RATTLING BREATHING
Alison?
RATTLING BREATHING INTENSIFIES
Alison?
SHE WHIMPERS
SHE SCREAMS
SHE WHIMPERS
Help! Help! There be creatures in the house!
Strange men with the heads of flies!
THEY LAUGH
We all knew they were coming today! Well, they scared me,
Everything scare you, Am I right?
Yeah, it\'s true, You\'d be scared of a teddy bear if it spoke,
Actually, that is quite scary, but you know what I mean,
You\'re a scaredy cat, What be they?
Well, they\'re just woodworm men,
Woodworm,,,men?!
GHOSTS CHATTER
Well, what are you all doing out here?
You don\'t have to stay out, only me and Mike,
Did the woodworm men banish you?
Well, no,,, Yeah, They\'re, um,,, They\'re fumigating, Fumigating?!
Yeah, it means we can\'t go back in
cos if we inhale their mist then we\'ll,,,
,,I don\'t know, like, die or something,
MARY GASPS
Look, you guys can go back in,
I\'ve turned all the pages in your books
and the chessboard is on the table, ALL: Ooh!
I shall miss you, OK,,,
Terribly, Thank you,
The TV\'s on the movie channel and, Kitty, Grease is on at four,
I think you\'ll love it, How lovely! What time is it now?
Oh, nine,
Gosh! I\'d better hurry!
It\'ll be nice to have some peace and quiet for once
without Michael\'s popular music blasting on the speakers,
Hang on, is that a tent?
Yeah,
You\'re going camping?
Yeah, we\'re camping here,
Oh, goodness gracious!
You sleeping outside by choice?
Yeah, It will save us money, Plus, it\'s fun,
It fun until a wolf eats your eye,
Hm?
My cousin, Hm,
I always used to enjoy a night under the canvas,
on manoeuvres and so on, You know, bracing fresh air, camaraderie,
horseplay in the lake, Yeah, Yeah,
OK,
Sure about this?
Er, are YOU sure about this?
I\'m just saying, we could still get a hotel if you prefer,
Yes! Hotel - luxury!
Walls, windows, roof,
This\'ll be fun,
Mike\'s not very outdoorsy, Huh, what\'s that?
I am outdoorsy, actually, Proper outdoorsy, just so you know!
Why does he always talk to us as if we\'re up in the air?
You left Glastonbury to find a toilet,
This, again! What about that wedding? That was camping,
That was glamping! The yurts were already put up,
We had a four-poster bed and a minibar,
Yeah, outside, That\'s camping,
He wouldn\'t last long in National Service, would he?
No! No, I\'d probably have to phone his mum,
get her to pick him up in the middle of the night, THEY LAUGH
Yeah, You having a laugh, are you?
With your mates? Your little dead mates? Yeah?
Well,,, Fine! Who\'s going to have the last laugh?
Mike is,
Get into the corners, do it right
and they won\'t be back for ten years,
MARY WHIMPERS
CHANTING: Woodworm men, woodworm men, pay you gold
and your power is spent,
SHE SHUDDERS
Not outdoorsy! I\'ll show her,
BANG
Mm,
Ah!
SHE SIGHS
HE SNORES
Ooh, you!
Ooh!
Cryptic!
Eight letter, occupied anatomy,
Occupied anatomy?
What are you up to?
Crossword, Napping,
Well, good,
Make sure you keep the noise down, I\'m reading,
Busybody! Oh, here we go,
Yes, I wondered how long it would take
for you to resort to name-calling!
Eight letter, occupied anatomy -
busybody, Busybody, Hm,
Well, quiet!
Just make sure you keep it down,
But, yeah, busybody,
JULIAN CHUCKLES
Right? Very good,
Now, as ranking officer, I suggest a full inventory before you start,
Patrick, at the double, quick smart, All right,
Sleeping bag, sleeping mat,,, Yes, ,,mallet, tent pegs,
I know, And what\'s that there?
Oh, that\'s a puller, Yes, that\'s for the tent pegs,
Yes, Yes, I knew that, Just checking, Right,
HE CLEARS THROAT Guy rope,,,
Camping in your own back yard?
I would have taken you to Paris,
to drink the finest wines
and marvel at the view from the steps of Montmartre,
Oh, right, Where\'s the ground sheet? You\'re missing a ground sheet!
Oh, it\'s built in, Wow!
Fascinating modern age we live in,
What\'s that for? What\'s that?
This,,,
,,is my tent,
That\'s your tent, We\'ll see who\'s outdoorsy, Oh!
Seriously?
Seriously, It\'s, like, 80 years old,
Nothing but a number! Prime vintage,
I\'m pitching my tent,,,over there,
OK, good luck,
Good luck, you, I don\'t need it,
Yeah, you do, Don\'t you worry, Alison,
you\'re going to win this competition hands down,
With my expertise and,,, And mine,
,,and your ability to follow orders, then,,,
Oh, no! What am I going to do now?
Ah, yes, Well, I\'m afraid without a strong main mast,,,
Ridge pole, Erm,,,
,,you\'re just left with the floppy, flappy thing,,, Fly sheet,
Have you really put up a tent?
Or have you just ordered other people about? Because,,,
Rub-a-dub-a, rub-a-dub-a, rub-a-dub-a!
That\'s beside the point, Without a strong and sturdy ridge pole,
you\'ll never be able to get it up, You\'ll have to admit defeat
and join forces with Michael, Nonsense!
There\'s more than one way to make a shelter
and we\'ve got plenty of useful kit,
Come on! Where are we going?
The woods, Ooh!
There\'s nowt sturdier than trees,
Come on! OK, Pat!
Yes, well, I suppose he does have some,,,
,,expertise in camping,
Good,
Sorry, I would help, but I physically can\'t,
Yeah, I know, Thomas, thank you,
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out,
Get out!
Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out,
get out, get out, get out, get out,
Get out!
Well,,,worth a try, I suppose,
TV: Stay with us on the Family Movie Channel because coming up at four,
we have the classic musical, Grease,
And what are you up to, Kitty?
I\'m going to watch Grease, Do you want to watch it with me?
Of course not, Alison says I\'ll like it,
It\'s starting in a few hours,
Not going to be running around the house singing or anything, are you?
No, just watching,
All right, Well, don\'t turn it up,
I can\'t, Well, make sure you don\'t,
I can\'t, Well, good,
Good,
Right, you want the peg at an angle away from the centre,
Aah, Lovely, That\'s it!
Right, First time, Moving on,
Nice and tight round there, OK, Very good,
That\'s it, That\'s marvellous,
Get it under the,,, Yeah,
That\'s it,
Now, extra point for who can tell me what this knot is called?
Er,,, Well, that\'s a reef knot,
No, it\'s a clove hitch,
Damn it and blast it to hell!
OK,
That\'s it,
Pull it nice and firmly, Alison,
Yes,
Yes, There she goes! Whoa! Ha-ha!
Oh, wow, Lovely, Tie it off, Yeah,
Make sure she\'s tied nice and firmly, Very good,
It\'s dead smart that, in\'t it?
Yeah, Mm, I wonder how Mike\'s getting on,
Oh, I\'m on it,
Hopeless,
What are you doing down there? He can\'t see you, mate,
Oh, yes, right,
Sorry, Yes, the old training kicking in,
Right, How\'s he getting on?
No, it\'s hopeless,
Modern men, eh? Well, quite,
Alison\'s got this competition sewn up,
Lovely, Now, remember, we need nice, dry ones,
Erm,,, Like this one?
Yes, excellent,
Well, there are some good ones here, And over here, please,
Can anyone tell me why you use the small sticks first?
Ah, yes, please! Well, they catch quicker,
with greater surface area allowing the oxygen to feed the flames,
Yes, Captain, Very good answer, Ah!
Gold star, Ah, well, there we are!
Yeah, that\'s excellent, That\'s it, That is first class,
Oh, yes, here we go,
Feed it, Feed it, Feed it, Feed it,
Firm blows, Alison, firm blows,
And now on Family Movies, it\'s over to Rydell High with the Pink Ladies
and the T-Birds in the classic musical, Grease,
At last!
This is the best bit, you know? Yeah,
Everything\'s up, fire\'s going, you\'ve got your brew,
you\'ve got your biscuit,
You can dip it,
Yeah, OK, SHE CHUCKLES
Dip it again,
THROATY GROAN
Lovely,
Yeah, Lovely that,
Yeah, this is nice, actually,
You always make the best of a situation,
One of the many things I love about you, Hm,
But the truth is a woman of your culture,
your sophistication, deserves to see the world,
Have you travelled a lot, then?
Oh, have I!
I have,
My grand tour, you might call it, chasing the muse across Europe
in search of inspiration,
Paris, Venice, Vienna,
Different sight, sounds and smells
to inspire the bubbling cauldron of language,
to paint the landscape with words,
What was Vienna like?
Really,,,
,,nice,
Nice?
Hm, Very,,,
,,nice,
You\'ve got a fire?
Yeah, How are you getting on?
Good, actually, Yeah? I, er,,,
I\'m going to do my fire next,
Oh, Just came to make sure you were all right,
She\'s fine, Yeah, great,
Cool, Thank you, All right, You OK?
Yep, Good, See ya,
Oh, watch out for the, um,,,
Oh! Yep,
Saw it,
He didn\'t,
Can you stop? I can\'t enjoy them if you\'re looking at me like that,
MARY: Yous are not welcomes here!
Oh, be gone, ye servants of Beelzebub!
Oh, Mary! Oh, you simply must watch Grease with me,
All the boys have wet hair and they sing about their cars!
Mary!
One,,, HE SIGHS
Well,,,
,,let\'s see if we can find something a bit more adult, shall we?
Heh-heh-heh!
Hey! CHANNEL CHANGES
Hm,
Ho! CHANNEL CHANGES
Eugh, ,,on the planet,
Hah!
SULTRY MUSIC Heh-heh! Oh,,,
Hah!
HE SIGHS Ah!
And now we return,,, Never any fun around here!
,,to A Nightmare On Elm Street,
KITTY: Don\'t worry, I\'ll tell you the whole story later,
TV: It was the worst dream I\'ve ever had,,,
Oh, Danny\'s changed his hair,
WOMAN SOBS ON TV
How\'s the competition doing?
Well, he\'s trying to light the firewood without tinder or kindling,
Oh, very good, Captain, Well, yeah,
I hope he likes the cold, because he\'s going to be cold,
PAT CHUCKLES Oh, dear,
Oh! I could blow that over, Oh, yeah,
And I\'ve got asthma,
And I\'m dead,
Yes,
FANNY: Just about had enough of all this,
Oh, can\'t bear it,
Oh, for goodness\' sake!
Fallen off your body again, have you?
I suppose you want me to put you back,
I\'ve got better things to do, you know, than traipse around,,,
SNORING
Well, good,
Thank God for that!
HE HUMS
Willy-shaped dude,,, Bishop,
He goes doo-ka!
Take lighthouse, MARY: That\'s right, be off with ye!
Shoo, shoo! Damn! Evil creatures, begone!
Get out, get out!
Shoo!
SHE WAILS
They,,, They shed their skin like serpents!
THEY CHUCKLE
That showed you! I\'m not a scaredy cat!
Off you go, stupid, scaring us,
SHE EXHALES
But what if they return?
Oh!
KITTY SHUDDERS
SCREAMING ON TV
MARY CHANTS: Let no servants of Satan prey upon the peoples
that live in this place,
May this house be sturdy from the woodworm men,
Let no demons cross these walls,
Let no servants of Satan prey upon the peoples that live in this place,
EVIL LAUGHTER ON TV
KITTY WHIMPERS
SCREAMS ON TV
ELECTRIC BUZZ
Oh-ho!
KITTY GASPS
SCREAMING
Right!
Come on!
Argh!
Ugh!
Mm,
Get over,,,
SCREAMING
Wonder what got her goat,
Probably just scared of the dark or something,
Suppose we ought to,,,investigate?
Yeah? I know it was too much to ask that you quietly,,,
Kitty? Where has she,,,?
Ooh, No,,, How peculiar,
Kitty?
JULIAN CLEARS THROAT Hello?
Anybody there?
Although, I mean, there\'s no need to go all the way,,,
What\'s the point in going all the way up? Something silly,
I was going to say,,, Maybe we should go see the others together,
Go together, We\'ll go together, yeah,
Spaghetti Napolitana?
From a tin,
What a fascinating modern age we live in,
Italian food didn\'t always agree with me,
Oh, did you say you went to Venice?
Indeed, What was it like? I\'ve always wanted to go,
Oh, very,,,
,,nice,
Nice?
Again? Nothing more specific?
Well, you have to remember, it was 200 years ago,
I can\'t remember every single detail,
Sounds like you can\'t remember ANY detail,
Fine, I\'ll tell you the truth!
You didn\'t go,
No, I did, I did go,
I saw the most celebrated sights of Europe,
I just,,,wasn\'t inspired,
No matter how beautiful the landscape, nothing came,
I returned home with an empty notebook,
You must\'ve got something from it,
Ah,,, Signore!
Sorry!
Un momento per favore! Signore! HE SIGHS WITH RELIEF
Carol always wanted to go to France,
I said, "You don\'t need to go abroad to have a nice holiday,
"We haven\'t seen half of this beautiful country yet,"
but she had her heart set on it, so I decided to book
it for our anniversary,
That\'s lovely, Yeah, but we didn\'t go in the end,
Oh, no, Why? Because I was dead, Alison, I was dead,
Right,
Here you all are!
Thank goodness! The lights went out in the house, Oh, That\'s strange,
Yes, and the TV turned off, Oh, sorry, Kitty,
That\'s OK, I wasn\'t much enjoying it anyway,
Oh, I thought you\'d really like it - a high school romance,
Yes, but I didn\'t like the man chasing the girl,
Well, he\'s the man of her dreams,
Yes,
And he won\'t stop until he gets her,
That\'s what being in love is like,
You should wait till the end because then she starts chasing him,
Does she? I hope she gets him,
Then we can all sleep again,
ROBIN: Hey, everybody,
How is it I get,,,? Oh, look! Hi, guys! Look, there she is, Robin,
She\'s right there, She\'s OK,
Ah, we heard you screaming, Kitty - just wanted to make sure you\'re OK,
I\'m fine, thank you,
Yeah,
So you can go back in now if you like,
BOTH: Erm,,,
That\'s OK, you know, You\'ve already light fire,,,
Change is as good as a haircut, Cosy-wozy,
CAPTAIN: Sorry, I thought you said camping was a stupid idea, Robin?
Don\'t think so,
Must be another caveman,
Oh,
OWL HOOTS IN DISTANCE
It\'s creepy in the woods at night, isn\'t it?
No, not really! I love it! Is it?!
Hey, since we\'re all around the campfire, we should
tell ghost stories,
Good idea, THEY MURMUR ENTHUSIASTICALLY
Yeah,
SHE CHUCKLES Yeah,
What\'s the matter, Alison?
Oh, come on, you\'re ghosts,
What, so we can\'t tell ghost stories?
Well, no, I\'m not,,,
I\'m not saying,,, No, yeah, please,,,
Yeah, go on, Pat,
Right!
Well, this one\'s actually a true story, actually,
It\'s about my friend, Susan,
Susan and I used to walk home together from school,
She didn\'t have a dad and her mum used to work late sometimes,
so she used to have to let herself in,
She had this little game
she played with her doggy, you know, to let him know
that it was her when she got home,
She\'d stick her hand in t\'letterbox and he\'d give it a lick, you know,,,
HE PANTS LIKE A DOG
Well,,,
,,one day,,,
HORN HONKS
CAR APPROACHES
Here you go, mate,
Nice one, Cheers, man, OK,
ENGINE REVS, BIRDS CAW
She slowly crept up the stairs,
All the while she could hear it,
Scratch!
She felt cold suddenly,
She reached out her hand and the door creaked open,
And there it was,,,
,,a figure standing facing the wall,
Slowly, very slowly, it began to turn towards her
until she could finally see its face,
It was a,,,
Alison! THEY SCREAM
Mary, you gave us a fright,
Well, the woodworm men have gone,
I\'ve blessed the house,
Oh, thank you, Thanks, Mary, That\'s great,
Er,,,
Are they gone? Oh, yeah,
THEY PANT
Robin! Julian!
Robin, where are you?!
PANTING
Robin! Julian!
I\'m scared! Julian!
Where are you, Robin?
Oh, my God, oh, my God,,,
Night, then, guys, Goodnight, Goodnight!
THOMAS SIGHS
I\'m not comfortable, Patrick,
Are you comfortable?
I don\'t mind swapping if you,,,
I\'m all settled in now, mate,
Can we talk some more, please?
I don\'t want to go to sleep,
Kitty, please, we can\'t stay up all night, But if I dream, then,,,
Just try to imagine the man from the film wrapping
you up in his arms,
Daley used to have nightmares, used to try
and get in bed with me and Carol,
Walked in on us once when we were,,,
Guys, can we just,,,can we,,, can we go to sleep, please?
Just,,,just no more talking, All right,
WHISPERS: What happened to Susan, Patrick?
She was never seen again, Mm,
She moved to Leeds, Ah,
There was a chap from Leeds in our unit,
Or was it Halifax? Who is Susan?
THOMAS: Oh, Patrick will tell you the story,
Oh, yes, Well,,, CLEARS THROAT
,,this one\'s actually a true story, actually,
Right,,, Happened to a friend of mine, Susan,,,
We used to walk back from school together,
She didn\'t have a dad and her mum used to work late sometimes,
so she used to have this little game she played with her doggy,,,
ALISON SIGHS
Mm,,, Who\'s there? Just getting in,
Hello,
Ooh,
Move up, Thanks,
Ah, Well done, What?
You win, No, yours was way better,
Mm-mm, Disqualified, I had help,
Mr Outdoorsy,
It\'s all my fault,
I pretended we were fine and now I\'m scared of everything,
I don\'t want to die out here,
I mean, I already have, but, you know,
Wait, when I was alive, was much to be scared of,
but I know what make feel safe,
Come on!
PAT: Carol, Carol, Carol,,,
SNORING
Oh, Kitty,
You\'ve been awake all night?
I was scared the man from Grease would get me in my dreams,
Danny Zuko? And the other man,
Kenickie? Freddy, Freddy?
Freddy Krueger, Oh, no,
I think I know what happened,
Lovely, isn\'t it?
It is, Mm,
I was just thinking, it ought to be dull and commonplace -
the same sunrise over the same house in the same tiny piece of England
every day for 200 years,
But it is beautiful, Mm,
I travelled miles and was unchanged when I could have been here
and,,,transported,
It\'s no fault of the sun if the eye sees not its beauty,
That was really poetic, Thomas,
The sun,
The sun, you rise when night is done
Like a big, yellow,,,
,,bun,
Yeah,
Come, sweet sun
Let us have fun
Must weigh a ton,
THEY CHATTER
Alison, just a moment,
You have been exemplary,
Oh, And so I\'d like to present you, if I could,
with your camping,,,
,,forester,,,
,,and fire safety badges,
Congratulations,
THEY CLAP Oh, thank you, Pat,
Oh, and, Captain, What, me?
Yes, you have shown a wonderful attitude,
enthusiasm and a keen interest,
and so I present to you the teamwork award,
Oh, Congratulations,
It\'s a very high honour, Come on,
Oh, that\'s where you got to last night, What were you doing in there?
They were scared, Alison!
THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER No, no!
ROBIN: Not scared!
Just wanted to do some camping Robin-style,,,
,,the chimney, you don\'t want the rain coming in,
,,in the cave there, you see,,,
SCREAMING, THEY SCREAM
MARY: Scaredy-cats!
THEY LAUGH
Morning, Lady B, You OK?
Julian, did you change the channel on the TV?
Cos Kitty saw something adult, Did she?
Mm, What\'s the code? Good morning, everyone,
Back from your little adventure, are we?
And what\'s on the agenda today?
Food club, is it? Or what I\'d wear if I could today?
Oh, can we not forego?
Yeah, we\'re all a bit tired, Fanny,
Bed? At this time?
Yeah, Never have I known such a feckless bunch
of good-for-nothings,
That\'s better,
Oh, Alison, don\'t forget, the boiler man\'s coming at two,
The boiler man?!
SHE WHIMPERS