Here at Magic Motors, we make high prices disappear,
Prices disappear,
They're not disappearing,
Oh, he's coming!
All right, you clowns, gather around here, I wanna talk to you,
I've got cars out there gathering dust people!
Now you stiffs have got to get John Q and Jane Q's signatures on these contracts,
And then you turn your attention to the other lollipops
that are coming onto the lot,
Mr, Grismer, some of them just want to look,
Want to look?
People come on this lot because they prefer to drive, rather than walk,
Now your job is to sell from the heart,
From the gut, If you're not prepared to do that,
then you can get your low-production butt off my lot
and make room for somebody who is,
Now, get out there and shove those cars down their throats
before I really blow a gasket!
Somebody bring me some hot coffee,
Oh, Hi, little girl,
Would you like to see a magic trick?
Can you make yourself disappear?
As soon as happy hour gets here,
My dad says you probably didn't go to college,
My dad sells Cryptocurrency,
Well, I sell wonder and amazement under the guise of used car sales,
He says in five years, you'll be homeless,
Well, that'd be a step up, Now, beat it, kid,
before I turn your freckles into liver spots,
I hear your attitude was lousy out there today,
Yeah, You know, I think the smell of
baby puke might have weakened my charming personality,
You're paid to entertain, not depress everybody,
I bring the stiffs in Grismer, You know what?
Sometimes I think you forget,,,
who needs who,
Pitchmen are a dime a dozen, and your tricks are putting people to sleep,
It's only a matter of time until your dime-store magic isn't needed around here,
And there'll come a time when I land the big trick,
people lined up around the block
and you,,, you begging me to stay,
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Well, until that day happens or until hell freezes over,
you better shape up or ship out,
Yeah, Yeah,
I don't know how much more of this I can take, Mike,
Grismer?
- I need a new job, - Me too,
You're too good for this place, You should open your own shop,
With what money?
You're wasting your prime years, Mike,,, on Grismer, Think about it,
You are, too,
Yes, but only physically, Not my soaring soul,
There's no magic here,
Hey, Max, Just waiting for backup,
Doing okay there, buddy?
Yeah, why do you ask?
Well, it seems your friend Vinnie is at it again,
No, no, no, He's actually more of a neighborly acquaintance, Carl,
When he isn't blasted, Vinnie is the kind of guy who
makes death wishes before he blows out his birthday candles,
Wait, how often do you deal with suicidal situations?
Every morning, Right before I walk into work,
- Is that you, Max? - Yeah,
Yeah, me and
three news crews down the street,
You're getting more press than I am, Vinnie,
I lost my job, Max, I'm a failure!
Yeah, Of course you are,
- You've been drinking? - No,
- Why the hell not? - I hate the world, Max!
What's to hate, Vinnie? You never leave your house,
I should just hang myself and get it over with,
You'd look like a human pinata,
- Hold on, - I don't know if I can, Max,
Kill me, please, I want to die,
- Oh, God, - Hey! I haven't read that yet!
It's the morning paper, Ralph, It's five o'clock in the afternoon,
Let me guess, Vinnie, Will you tell him to just end it already, you?
Yeah, I'll relay your kind thoughts,
Hey, Max, I want the crossword section,
Try and keep that commotion down, I'm tired of that no-good bum,
Your a humanitarian, Ralph, did you know that?
Okay, Vinnie,
Guy with your looks is,,,
- probably good with his hands, - Yeah,
A little shaky right now, though,
Mmm-hmm, Yeah, How about a maintenance job?
I did fix your toaster a few weeks back,
Yeah, Yeah, It burns real good on one side right now,
You know, Vinnie, why don't you try looking on the brighter side, huh?
Remember, I once complained about a hole in my shoe
until I met a man with no feet, Hmm?
What does that mean?
It means, Vinnie, people got it worse than you,
I know a guy, works a nowhere job,
No purpose in his life, Drinks way too much,
His father thinks he's a loser,
He only has one friend in the whole world,
Can't even buy a date unless he makes them his lovely assistant,
Man! I'm glad I'm not him, Max,
He's just one signature trick away from fame and fortune,
Oh, so sad, Whoever this person is, it made me appreciate my life,
Who is this sorry excuse for a human?
I made him up!
Vinnie,
Go have a shot of scotch, huh?
Then you draw a nice hot bath,
with the bubbles and the candles, like you like,
Okay, Max, you're a real good friend,
Is that it? So now what?
Now I go home and try to figure out
why skipping college was a good idea,
You know, I should probably take him in this time, Max,
If you don't, Carl, I'll do another charity event for you guys, Huh?
This should be a really good ending to a really, really good day,
Excuse me, Hi, Mom,
What? Mom, slow,,, Mom, slow down,,,
What?
I'm sorry, Max,
I know you and your brother weren't that close, but still,
I'm really sorry,
Shot out of the womb,
Different directions, then never came full circle,
It's sad,
Plane crash, I can't believe it,
He was with his wife, too, I mean, the whole thing, It's just awful,
- Beer me, - Bet your dad is taking this hard, talking about life
just turning on a dime,
Ole!
- How's he doing? - Not good,
But, I mean,
I'm pretty sure he wants to stick around long enough to watch me
totally fail, So that's good,
But, Timmy, my nephew, No one to come home to for dinner,
No one to say, "Hello, Tim,"
How was your day, dear?
When was last time you saw him?
He was seven, eight,,,
- He's 10 now, - Who gets 'em?
Ah, can't be my parents,
Dad's too sick,
Mom couldn't handle pre-teen hormones 25 years ago,
This right here is the result of that,
So that's gonna fall on my shoulders, the kid,
- Can you handle that? - No, No,
I don't like humans,
Much less ones under 18, Now I gotta live with him,
- But he's blood, - To family, Max,
He's blood, And so I'll grind it out,
- Max, the good uncle, - The good Scotch,
Have you ever had like the worst day of your life?
I guarantee you, it isn't as bad as the one I'm having,
Me, I lost everything,
- All at once, - Hey, Tim,
Your long-lost Uncle Max,
Remember me? Famous magician,
I got all those television car commercials,
I sent you that autographed headshot for your birthday last year,
You remember that? Or was it,,, Maybe it was two years ago,
Uh,,,
I guess we share the same DNA, you know?
So I'm gonna be the one that has to take care of you,
Not really qualified to be a parent,
Or a human being, for that matter,
I mean, I'm still trying to figure out my own life,
You know, what do I want? Who am I?
Working in a soul-sucking dead-end job?
I mean, I'm paycheck to paycheck,
Just scraping by, No insurance,
Oh, and my girlfriend just broke up with me,
after two and a half weeks, You believe that?
Said she'd rather date a clown,
Hurts, It hurts, you know?
Anyway, I feel a little better now,
Thanks for listening, You feel better too?
I've seen your magic on TV,
Why can't you bring back my parents?
I'm sorry,
There's only one guy who knows that trick,
You can forget about me living with you,
Tim, Oh,,, This is,,, This is gonna really be great,
Oh, honey,
You say that I can't live in my house
because you have sell it to the bank or whatever,
So why can't I live with you?
Oh, honey, your grandpa Lyle and I would love to have you live with us,
But he's not well now,
Tim, Grandpa is going to start on some medicine
that's gonna make him really sick,
They can't do it,
- Oh, I love you, - I miss them,
Now? Really?
- This is not gonna work, - Leave it to your mommy,
She could talk the devil into buying a Bible,
Maybe you ought to give up this cheap vaudeville stuff, huh?
Get a real job, like your brother, He had responsibility,
Something you don't know anything about,
Oh,,,
Hubba hubba,
Too soon?
All right,
What do you think?
I hate it,
I hate wearing that stupid thing,
Nope, No, No,
Look, let's just give this a try, all right?
Let me show you your room,
Maybe you'll like it, I doubt it, but maybe,
Yep, Go down the hall,
Nope, Left,
Huh? What do you think?
I mean, I know it's a little plain but,
that could work out to your advantage, right?
You can pick your own curtains,
pick your own bedspread,
Put posters up,
I used to have one right over my bed, Every night,,,
We'll keep 'em PG-13, though, Okay?
All right, I'm gonna leave you to it,
Lights out at 10:00, Don't try to climb out the bedroom window, okay?
My neighbor Vinnie has a Rottweiler out there,
and he roams the streets,
This is so hard,
You lost your dad, I lost my brother,
And now we're just sort of stuck together,
I gotta be honest, I don't know what to do,
What would your dad do in a situation like this?
He'd give me a hug and say everything would be all right,
Oh, okay, Yeah, yeah, Let's do that, Come here,
Bring it in, There you go, Timmy,
Just let those tears fly, Everything's gonna be,,,
Okay, Good night,
Tim, I got some break,,,
Teach that kid a learnin',
Figure out there's one boss in this house,
We'll see when Max attacks, man,
Well played,
I don't care,
You don't get it in the first 50 takes this time, I'm dubbing your voice,
Did you know you had a gift for encouragement?
- How's your, um,,, - Nephew?
He's fine, Come on, you've seen me with the kids,
- They love me, - Right,
Isn't it illegal to leave a 10-year-old kid alone by himself all day?
I tied him to a chair until my next door neighbor could come watch him,
- How are the hemorrhoids? - Quiet on the set,
Are we ready?
Roll it,
Here at Magic Motors, we make high prices disappear,
Cut, Cut,
Tim, I got you a burger, man, Come get it,
Dinner of champions, buddy,
Uh-oh, how'd that happen?
I guess we'll just have to eat together, huh?
Or not, Oh, cool,
That kid is smart,
You see anything you like?
Some of these cars are antiques,
Well, that's a kinder way of putting it,
I'd like to buy something from this century,
Well, you know, they knock off 10 bucks for every dent you find,
Oops,
Do all of the salesmen wear magician outfits?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm not a salesman,
I'm actually the headliner here,
Yeah, you know, the guy who does all the charming television commercials,
who everyone comes to see,
But I'm really just biding my time for the love of the kids, I love kids,
and, uh, yeah, cracking the code,
Oh, and what code is that?
The ultimate magic trick code,
Think about it, Did anyone know David Copperfield before he made the Statue of Liberty disappear?
Before he levitated over the Grand Canyon?
Yeah, I think he was pretty famous before that,
Exactly, You know, I,,,
I've been thinking about a new trick,
I could use a new, lovely assistant,
Now, that sounds like a line,
Did it work?
I have a job, but thanks for the offer,
We're ready for you, Max,
Oh, oh, oh, They need me,,, the talent,
Probably another close up, Very little makeup, by the way,
Anyway, you keep,,, You keep trucking,
Yeah, thank you,
That's Frank "the Tank" from Old School,
- Yeah, ciao, - Bye,
See, you don't have to do my dishes,
- It's my pleasure, Max, - Thank you,
- How's Tim? - Oh, he's fine,
Mmm, He's a nice young man,
- Yeah, - Very quiet, But,
then that's to be expected, considering,
Yeah, considering he was downgraded to "Little Orphan" Timmy,
I remember him as a loud voice with a body,
Now he's like a closed clam in concrete,
Give him time, He's grieving, Max,
Well, bills,
I found out that his dad left me $33,000 in his will,
and he left the kids some money in a trust,
So it's not all bad news, This is, Bill,
- That was generous, - Yeah, Yeah,
I figure it,,, It buys a little happiness,
Max, you can't buy happiness, Don't you know that?
Yeah, I got the bad credit,
Maybe I can lease it, right?
What is this?
Nice try, kid, You forget that I'm a magician?
I can spot a fake spider miles away,
Oh, fishing line, That's pretty good,
No,
Get off me, Get off me, Spiders, spiders, spiders,
What's for breakfast?
Cookies,
Lame trick,
Cookies are not a nutritious meal,
Yeah, they are, They really, really are,
You crumble them up, You put 'em in a bowl, You put a little milk in it,
All right, we don't have milk, Look at the bowl,
I mean, that's what cereal is,
It's,,, It's,,, cookies,
What 10-year-old doesn't like cookies for breakfast?
One that wants to see 11,
Mrs, C is gonna be here soon, try not to kill her,
Can we get a dog?
It's supposed to help with grief,
Nice try, I'm still trying to get the whole kid thing down,
I mean, I gotta figure out, Do you eat too much?
- If you need shots, - If I'm potty trained?
- Are you? - Yes, I know
how to pee in a toilet,
Look, can we just try to get through this week?
Then we can talk about adoption, All right?
Pet or person?
Because I have no interest in a sibling,
- Especially a sister,,, - Tim,
- How tall are you? - Why?
What do you think about a magician that can cut a kid in half,
An illusion,
Yeah, sure, An illusion, Okay,
I think it's been done,
You're right,
Why don't you get a good cavity started, huh?
Try not to break anything,
I'll be home after work,
And here are the keys to your new car,
- Thank you, - Now, when it breaks down,,,
If it breaks down, be sure to call us,
- Will do, - Enjoy,
Oh, hello, Oh, you bought one of our cars,
Got a decent deal,
Really?
Well, you will be happy to know that part of our policy here
at Magic Motors is for the charming magician,,,
to provide lunch to all of our new buyers,
Except I don't do it for everyone,
- Uh, well, thanks anyway, - Oh, oh, oh,
I think I see what's happening here,
I think the life of a magician must seem unattainable to the lay person,
Glamorous, uh, well, magical,
But I assure you, underneath this cape,
I'm really just a regular guy,
- I'm sure you are, - Yup,
And I am really only in the market for a car right now,
I mean, do I have plenty of other interests?
Sure, Many goals and, well, long-range plans,
Like what?
Like I said, there are so many, How could I name just one,
Surviving my nephew, Excuse me,
- World peace, - Really?
- Yeah, - Me, too,
Well, congratulations on your new car and I will see you for lunch,
Impressive, I think the depth of your character blew her mind,
Shouldn't you be working?
- I'm reading the paper, - Really?
When did you become interested in world events?
I'm not, I'm just checking the obits, hoping to find your name,
World peace?
I couldn't think of a single thing that I'm passionate about,
Oh, come on,
Have you ever seen anyone choked to death?
Like really choked to death, even in the movies?
Because that's what it was like,
So how's Tim?
Makes Godzilla look like a gecko,
That bad?
I think he's trying to force my hand,
I mean, he doesn't wanna live with me, Who does?
He probably just feels alone,
Amelia Earhart was alone, Charles Lindbergh was alone,
Those people that got stuck at the top of Mount Olympus, they were alone,
- It's Everest, - Exactly,
I'm getting hit in the face by this parenthood like a brick,
And I'm picking adolescent shrapnel out of my body,
Look, I'm gonna give him the get-to-hate-me grace period,
like I give everyone else and, uh,,,
I don't know, throw some chores at him,
What's chores?
The ones I don't wanna do,
- Hi, - First time here?
Yeah, I just moved in across the street,
- Welcome to the town, - Thank you,
What can I get you?
Um, can I get two scoops of chocolate please?
You got it,
Is chocolate your favorite?
Yeah, I like the original flavors,
I was gonna get vanilla but I decided chocolate, so,
- Here you go, - Thank you,
Oh, are you okay?
- Here, - Thanks,
Can I buy you another one?
No, I think one of the scoops got down my throat,
I'm Brandi, You live at those places near my house, right?
Yeah, Tim, I'd shake your hand,
but you'd probably get sticky handlebars,
Thanks, I've got to go,
But maybe I'll see you around,
- Okay, cool, - Bye,
- Hello, - What?
I want to call a truce, Okay, I surrender, Whatever it takes,
You clearly have a future in espionage,
You know, Tim, when I thought about having a kid,
I thought it would be a baby crib and nursery rhymes,
and I got an adult,
I want you to have that,
That's my very first magic hat,
Be careful with that, Actually lost my virginity,,,
Tim, when a man loves another,,,
Okay, I know what virginity is,
- You do, Good, - Sure, okay,
Okay,
- You like being a magician? - I love it,
You know I like the best, though,
The idea that I could maybe make somebody's day
a little less miserable than mine,
Not too difficult to do it, I might add,
I could teach you some if you want,
What are you going to teach me first?
How to put a snake in a cookie jar?
You know, Tim, magic's a mindset,
You start small and you build it up,
and then you're catching bullets with your teeth,
I'll teach you everything I know,
Except,,,
my big signature trick,
Why not that one?
Tim, it's dangerous,
even death-defying,
Plus, if I told you,
I would have to kill you,
Not if I killed you first,
You can't 'cause I'd disappear, Poof!
My dad used to teach me stuff,
I wish he was here,
I do, too, I miss him,
Anyway, tomorrow,
we get magical,
Give me it up high, Down low,
Too slow,
Ooh, I'm out, I'm safe though, right?
- Sure, - You sure?
Yeah, You're good,
- I hope so, - Watch out for the spiders!
- Oh! - Nah, I'm kidding,
Cups,
Put the ball in,,,
- Woah! - Voila!
I did it!
Cool,
Hey!
Getting some ice cream?
Not today,
Sunflower seeds are safer,
Probably not as sticky either,
- Want some? - Sure,
Clifford?
Yeah,
Ew,
So where do you live?
Right down the street,
I'm staying with my uncle,
Parents on vacation?
No,
they died,
My daddy died in the war,
Ew,
You're not supposed to eat the shell,
Why?
So you have to crack the shell,
and then you spit out the shell,
and then you eat the stuff inside,
That's gross,
No, try it,
Okay, here goes,
It takes some practice,
Got a whole bag, Keep trying,
My mom would love seeing me do this,
You wanna see a magic trick?
Sure,
- Red and blue, right? - Uh-huh,
Now, it's yellow and green,
Whoa,
- Wanna try? - Sure,
Nope,
A magician never reveals his secrets,
This is so cute,
I'd like to buy it, How much is it?
$5,
I think this is five,
One, two, three, it's five,
Well, thank you so much,
You're welcome, Enjoy Bonita,
Thank you, I will,
Hello,
- Just that, - You look familiar,
Wait a minute, You do, too,
You bought one of our freshly-impounded used cars,
Jen-ni-fer,
Oh, that's such a,,, That's a beautiful name,
And you're that, uh,
Merlin, the magician guy,
Max "the Magical,"
At your service, my lady, It's catchy, isn't it?
Merlin is the guy with the beard,
Old guy, not like me,
And he helps the kid with the sword,
It's a good movie,
So where is your magic outfit?
It's at the cleaners,
It's tough getting all that fairy dust off, you know,
Plus, a little baby throw-up, too,
Listen, I know this timing is maybe a little weird,,,
$49,95,
You know what? I actually have this,
That's embarrassing,
Um, I will just get this beautiful little heart,
$10, Cash or credit?
I love the way you say that,
"Cash or credit,"
Cash, 'cause I have plenty of cash,
Cash has not been a problem for me,
if you know what I mean,
Do you wanna buy Park Place or Boardwalk?
Remnants from a series of pranks with my nephew,
We called a truce,
Actually, I surrendered,
Um, it's a long story,
We all have stories, don't we?
$10 for the heart,
Ten and one,
That's for you,
Here's your heart,
Thank you,
I'll go,
Bye,,,
That's four times through the line in a half hour,
I know, I love it,
I think it's my new hobby,
Your quest will be fruitless, you know,
Mmm,
I believe in Cinderella stories,
I believe in tragedies,
Hmm,
That's really funny,
$3,50,
Oh, yeah, You know what?
I know how stores always need change,
It's funny they never have change,
So that's why I'm paying in change,
not because I don't have money or anything like that,
But I brought you some,,, Some quarters,
Quarters are important,
One, two,,,
Three,,, Let me take you away from this,
You know what? That's good enough,
Just take the bird,
Thank you, from me, too,
You should see me in my cape,
I did,
- Oh, sorry, - You scared the hell out of me,
I'm sorry, Sorry, I hurt my whole leg,
Oh, hi, How are you?
Funny meeting you here,
Okay, look, you seem like a nice guy,
Thanks, I am, I'm really nice,
Okay, I just got into town, I've got responsibilities,
Meeting a man at this point is not a priority,
Oh, well, how far down the list do you think it is?
It's about where your shoes are,
- So you're saying there's a chance? - Okay, I'm just keeping it real,
- That's from Dumb and Dumber, - I know,
You do? See, we have this in common,
Um, okay, You know what? You know what?
Catch me on one of my TV commercials,
Aren't your TV commercials late at night?
Yeah,
Technically, the next morning, So?
You hurt my feelings,
I will look for it,
I'm gonna send you a secret signal,
Monopoly money, I'm gonna wave it out,
I'm just gonna walk around you,
- This is our thing anyway right? - Yep,
Oh, that was,,, That was magic,
Max, Did Tim tell you about his new friend?
No, Big deal, Mrs, C,
It's a girl,
Facts of life are in play already, huh?
All right, come on, Let's go,
Little man talk, Mrs, C, Let's go,
Okay, I got it,
This is gonna be awkward, Okay?
Hit me,
- What's your secret? - Secret?
With the babes, man,
You're getting everywhere, I'm getting nowhere,
There is no secret,
I just let it happen naturally,
Okay, I see what's happening here,
You want to see old Uncle Max burn up on reentry,
You know what?
I'll tell you my secret
if you tell me your big trick,
A magician never reveals his tricks,
Okay, good luck with the babes,
Hmm, Good talk?
He still has a lot to learn,
I've sent a few items gathered from your past,
I knew I never gave you
all the father-son talks you deserve,
I was never a hug and kissy type of father,
You had many more coming than I ever gave you,
You never let me down, You always tried your hardest,
And when we argued, you were mostly right,
But I couldn't bend in my thinking,
Life is so short, as they say,
so make your years with Tim heartfelt and full of joy,
Always here for you, Love, Dad,
What's that?
My, uh, my dad sent this,
It's all stuff from when I was a kid,
Broke my nose trying to catch my first grounder,
Nice catch, Oh,,,
Here,
Your first hand-me-down,
Be careful with that thing, You could poke an eye out,
Or mine,
Maybe I should use it on this boy named Clifford,
He's got it out for me,
I noticed the scratches once in a while,
Clifford? Huh?
- Cliff-ford? - Mmm-hmm,
Clifford,
I'd be a bully if my name was Cli-fford,
So what's his racket?
- Takes lunch money, huh? - Oh, yeah,
That and he makes people pay for protection,,,
from himself,
He calls it life insurance,
Word is, he has 500 bucks in his backpack,
- What? - I say it's like closer to 150,
Not too sure what I'm supposed to say here,
I think I should say,
"Don't ever take that slingshot to school for any reason,"
- Hmm? - Okay,
You gotta settle it with your fists, Capisce?
- Really? - You give him a one-way ticket
to knuckle airlines, uppercut, Uppercut,
- Seriously? - Let me see what you got,
Yeah, that's it, You kick butt,
- Name names, - Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, That hurts, okay,
You walk away,
You know, bullies are just bullies
because they're scared,
They don't want anyone to know so they put on this big act,
You stand up to him, you got no problems,
I never thought about it that way,
Well, this time, you should,
I can't hit a thing,
- Can I try? - Sure,
Hey,
- Yeah? - Mmm-hmm,
How did you do that?
Just did it,
So, have you cried yet?
No,
I cry every day,
Especially at night,
Leaving already?
I hear my mom cry at night,
Crying is good,
I wish I could talk to my mom and dad,
You can,
Visit them at their grave site,
It helped me,
I gotta go, See you around,
See you later,
So, yeah, I just waited for her outside her store,
you know, suave and stuff,
So you,,, You're stalking her,
Stalking,
staking, staking out,
So?
The Berlin Wall went up again,
So, break it down again,
It might take another hundred years,
Definitely would be worth it, though,
Yeah, Hi, Mrs, C,
What?
Unbelievable,
Yeah, No, Lock him in the closet with no food or water,
I'll be there as soon as I can,
What happened?
Timmy, the kid,
broke a car window with a slingshot,
Who gave him that?
Someone who should definitely not
have responsibility over young children,
Whoa!
- Max, - Hi,
- Tim left, - What?
Vinnie, open up!
I didn't call the cops,
Vinnie, I don't have time for your games,
My nephew, Tim, took off, Which way did he go?
You're really high up,
Sorry about the window,
It's all right, The wind made it curve,
Are you gonna punish me?
Nah,
That is nah,
as long as you tell me your secret,
All right, I'll go first,
My secret is,,,
I don't have a big signature trick,
I never have,
That's why I work a nowhere job for peanuts,
I lack inspiration,
I like your magic tricks,
Yeah, well, thanks, 'Cause you're a rare breed,
All right, that's my secret, You're up,
My secret?
Yeah, come on, I just spilled my guts out,
The secret is to be yourself,
That's what I do,
No, no, no, no, no, no, Come on, This is serious,
Listen, I met this total babe, and,,,
I mean lady,
And every time I get around her,
I say stupid things, I do stupid things,
I get real nervous,
For the first time,,,
ever,
I need help, man!
Come on, spill it,
Like, how did your dad get your mom?
How am I supposed to know? I wasn't even born,
Yeah, Good point,
Well, just take a guess,
She always liked compliments,
Ah, yeah,
Jennifer, you're so hot,
No more specific,
Like,,,
Your hair smells delicious,
Or,,, I like your boobies,
No, come on,
Like, your eyes are beautiful,
Oh, yeah, yeah, Eyes are good,
She also liked thoughtful gifts,
Oh, yeah, I could get her like a,,,
a gift certificate to the movies,
Come on, More thoughtful,
Like, if it's the first thing that comes to mind,,,
Yeah, Then it's not that thoughtful,
No,
Good talk, Good talk,
I'm falling,
I, Max
"the Magical,"
shall levitate that cup into that can,
- Do you believe I can do it? - No,
You wanna put your money where your 10-year-old mouth is?
- Quarter says I can, - Bet you a dollar you can't,
Dollar's pretty steep, Okay, you better pay up,
Please, I need complete silence,
I am conjuring my personal force,
Yes!
- You see it? It moved, - No,
- That was the wind, - Wind-schmind, That was me,
That was Max "the Magical," Watch,
Watch and learn,
Can I pay you next week?
No, no, The reason is I gotta call my accountant,
move some things around, offshore accountants, It's for tax purposes,
Yeah, right,
Did you make mistakes when you were a kid?
Tons,
I did so much stupid stuff, my dad was so fed up with me,
Wait,
I think I just,,,
Yeah, I just got an idea for a new trick,
- The big one? - Could be,
Could be, But I'll tell you what,
It's gonna take a little humility
and a lot of embarrassment,
So, do it,
Not for me, for you,
- I look ridiculous, - You do not,
You look great, You said you wanted to be my assistant,
Man, I hope no one sees me,
Everybody's gonna see you, And we're gonna see,,,
Yeah, hold on, Just don't move,
- Pull the thing, Pull,,, - Give me that,
How many times have I told you? Don't play with my magic stuff,
- His fault, - I'm sorry,
Now, if you want me to show you how to do it, I will,
But not now, because I'm mad,
Oh, but listen, I was thinking about this other trick
when I levitate, and then I come back down
and then,,,
You don't know how to levitate,
I know how to levitate,
Hold this,
Hey! Get off! Get off him!
Stand right there!
What the heck is going on?
I leave you alone for two seconds
and you get into a fight?
Self-defense, Clifford started it,
- He had it coming, - Hey,
You beat it before I make you pay for the hat,
Whatever, I'll teach you later, Tim,
Listen, you're not,,,
- I'm not doing this anymore, - No, Hold on,
Hold on, the outfit, Don't do that,
The outfit's paid for, buddy,
- What about the big reveal? - Do it yourself,
Tim,
We were gonna be,,,
Go to Mrs, C's, Tim,
Mom, Dad,
I know you're in heaven and I'm gonna have to wait,
but I think I know what you told me,
This is my life now,
I should make the best of it, huh?
I miss them,
I miss them, too,
I'm a failure, Jim,
I'm warping this kid's young, fragile mind,
Oh, phones!
Hi, Mrs, C,
Yeah, I know,
Sidekick thing was a bad idea, I,,,
Tim just got home?
What do you mean he just,,,
It's 10:00, Where the hell was he?
Brandi?
He was with Brandi,
That little player,
Her mom's there,
She's mad,
Extremely mad,
Not at me, though, right?
No, no, no,
Okay, I'll be right there,
Sorry I'm late, Mrs, C,
- Oh, my God, - Oh, my God,
You two know each other?
- Yeah, we met, - Briefly,
I think I hear laundry calling my name,
Why don't you two go watch TV for a few minutes?
- I wanna go with them, - You, stay,
I was worried sick,
Two 10-year-old's have no business
roaming the streets at night, We have rules,
You're darn right we do,
Now what are we gonna do about her?
Oh, she's in trouble, too,
Ever since Brandi's been hanging around with your nephew,
I am slipping on sunflower shells all over the house,
Oh, no,
They're kids, they bond in different ways,
Mrs, Chambers told me about your brother,
I am sorry,
It's not easy, We can relate,
And, Tim, he seems like a great kid,
But keep him away from your daughter,
No, I don't want that,
It's not fair of me to take that away,
But I cannot be at work wondering if Brandi is safe,
Mrs, C could watch them,
And then you could swing by to pick them up,
I'm thinking six-ish,
So you guarantee her safety?
Mmm, I'm gonna have to ask you for a favor,
Godfather,
I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm doing,
This is new to me, you know?
Yeah, I'm guessing it's not easy being an instant parent,
Parenthood was microwaved
and then thrown into my life like a frozen TV dinner,
But I don't have the directions,
so I don't know which part to put the slit in
or which part to peel back,
And so I end up with overdone peach cobbler
and frozen chimichangas,
It is not easy, I will give you that,
Well, thank you,
B, we gotta go, missy,
One second, Mom,
So how does one globally warm your attitude towards them?
You could keep my kid safe, for starters,
- I can do that, - Good,
Good,
You know, actually, um,,,
- there is one thing, - Yes,
No, I just never gave up hope,
What?
Um, it's Brandi's 11th birthday on Friday,
Maybe it would be cool if you and Tim
could swing by around dinner and surprise her,
Surp,,, Surprise,
- We'll come, - Good,
- I'll have cake and food,
Cake is good,
She doesn't know anyone, so it is kind of a big deal,
You don't have to get her anything, Just yourselves is enough,
No, no, no, no, no, We're gonna get her something,
I mean, not too extravagant, but,,,
And then maybe a little magic on the side,
- You see what I did there? - Yes,
- It's innuendo, - It's great,
- Thank you, - So Tim knows where we live,
It's just down the street, 1167,
1167, 1167,
- Okay, then, See you later, - 1167, 1167,
1167, Not you,
Max, this is Chubby the Clown,
Chubby is gonna be helping us out here,
He'll be getting the laughs and you do the magic,
No way, Grismer,
This is my turf,
I've worked this gig hard for years,
I'm the headliner here, Grismer,
We need some new blood,
So you brought a clown?
People love clowns,
Oh,
If I had a dollar for every time you threatened to switch to,,,
If I had a dollar for every dollar I've lost
because of your bad attitude and stale tricks,
I wouldn't need a clown,
Don't even try it, I make compliments rain,
Yeah, that's all pity,
Pity, nothing,
If it weren't for me being so damn charming
with my damn charming television commercials,
you wouldn't sell a thing,
Well, we'll just have to see about that,
I'm thinking of a new act,
It's not your act, Max, it's you,
You're fired,
I quit!
Oh!
Whoo! It's raining, it's raining!
You're not only a bad magician, you're a bad person,
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah!
You think I'm a bad person, huh?
You, think I'm a bad person, huh? Huh?
I'm a great person, Yeah,
I'm a,,,
I'm America's sweetheart,
I'm a national frigging treasure,
I'm the Julia Roberts
of used car sales, baby, Rain it down,
I'm a good person,
There goes employee of the month,
Go rob another makeup store,
Clean up on aisle three,
Think he forgot his meds,
Not a lot of positions for an out-of-work magician,
- Birthday parties? - No,
Know what those little monsters
do to magicians at those parties?
It's not pretty,
Birthday party,
What's today?
Uh, Friday,
Friday!
I suck,
Put it on my tab,
I'm sorry, Brandi, I'm sorry,,,
Look, I don't have the energy,
Do you care about anyone but yourself?
I'm done,
Can I come in?
All right, Um,,,
I'm sorry,
I know I let you down,
I let everyone down,
You know, I had a bad day,
Yeah, that's just an excuse, isn't it?
I'm a work in progress, Tim,
I'm really trying, but I'm gonna make mistakes,
But I'll keep trying, I promise you that,
Wonder what your parents would be thinking of me now?
I'm not much of a father,
I wasn't much of an uncle either, was I?
I just hope you can forgive me,
Do you think you can?
I mean, you don't have to answer that,
All right,
I know she liked it
when my dad went out of his way,
Like one time, he gave up his night at the gym
to go take a swing dance class with my mom,
He said that earned him all sorts of points,
Dad noticed the little things,
What little things? What do you mean?
Well, "You changed your hair,
"You've been working out,
"New outfit,"
Got to make sacrifices,
Sacrifices,
I don't know what I'd sacrifice, Tim,
Well, maybe instead of focusing on this big trick
that you think will make you rich and famous
and attractive to women,
you should put in the work like my dad did with my mom,
Can I help?
You've cooked enough for me, It's my turn,
Wow, This is a pleasant surprise, Max,
Well, I wouldn't say that just yet,
- I hope you like scrambled, - Yes,
- Shells or no shells? - Without shells, Max,
But I'm not picky,
- Mrs, C? - Yes,
Um,,,
if you could have one thing,
just one wish, what would it be?
I don't know,
Maybe a planter on my porch with some flowers in it,
Ooh, How's it going, Max?
What do you think?
- Oh, my goodness, - Pretty good, huh?
Uh! Max, Max, Max,
Mmm,
- You know what, Mrs, C, - What?
I think I have to beg for my job back,
I have to do it for Tim,
I mean, I got to take care of him,
So swallow your pride and just do it,
Yeah, I'll tell you what, though,
If he starts yammering on
about magic running its course, and clowns running its course,
"I'm gonna have a petting zoo,"
I don't know if I can keep a straight face,
much less not hit him,
You can do it, Max,
- Mrs, C, - Mmm-hmm?
How do I know if I become a selfless person?
When it comes to you naturally
and you don't have to think about it,
Until then?
Until then, you just do what you're doing now,
You got a big heart, Max,
that you don't want people to see,
Shh, There are neighbors,
You're a good person, Max,
Little unorthodox with your parenting,
but you care, I can see it,
- And you know what? - What?
Tim can see it, too,
- You know what, Mrs, C? - What?
You always make me feel great,
I love you,
Mr, C was a lucky man,
Mmm,
I love you, too, Max,
Keep working on it, baby,
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna build you a whole bunch of these,
Oh, Help me,
- Oh, hi, - Hi,
Hi,
Hey, baby,
Max is right back there,
Hello,
Hi,
I don't wanna punish them for something someone else did,
I was hoping you'd say that,
There's nothing I can say,
but there is something I can do,
Yeah? What is that?
Be a man,
I started last night though,
You can probably tell already, I shouldn't have said that,
What is that?
A planter box, I built it for Mrs, C,
Pretty nice, huh?
Oh, I didn't realize you were handy,
Yeah,
You must have a green thumb,
Well, I didn't make the plants,
I bought 'em,
It's the thought that counts,
Right?
- Hi, - Hi,
- You're here for play date with Tim? - Mmm-hmm,
Around back,
Can I go, Mommy?
Of course, sweetheart,
Ahoy,
And if Mommy wants a play date,,,
That's stupid,
It was good to see you,
- Susan, - Oh,
You look lovely,
That's a letter for Mike,
It's from an anonymous source,
And I want you to deliver it,
Why? Why don't you do it yourself?
Because I want you to,
Isn't that your job, to deliver correspondents to everybody?
Kiss my butt, But I'll do it,
And then you need to ask Mike out,
Why?
Because,,, he likes you,
And if you wait for him to ask you out, you'll both be old and gray
before he musters the courage,
Okay? So,
Got it,
Thanks for the tip, Max,
I take back some of the things I said about you,
- Like one or two things, - Okay,
I said a lot of bad things,
- I'll take that, - Okay,
Mike! Mike!
What? What's this?
It's a letter from an anonymous source,
Anonymous? For me?
- Open it now, - Yeah,
"Dear Mike, if anyone deserves
"to launch his own repair shop, it's you,
"Here's a cashier's check for,,,
"for $20,000 to get you started,
"A friend," Are you serious? Are you kidding me?
- Are you kidding me? - I'm,,,
Oh, my gosh!
- I'm so happy for you! - Oh, my gosh!
Yes! Yes, I'll go to dinner with you tonight to celebrate!
- Really? - Yes,
I apologize for barging in,
but I,,, I really do need your advice,
When I first met Max,
he didn't seem content,
and he seemed a little self-absorbed,
In all honesty, I did not think that he was father material,
But I gotta say, it seems like the proof is in the pudding,
and I may have misjudged him,
Max is like a starched un-pressed shirt
that needs a little iron on it,
Got it,
He's a work in progress,
but he has a good heart, Always has,
Now, he may become the best dad in the world,
but then again, he could drive you crazy,
- You got the stuff? - What stuff?
The seeds, man, the seeds!
Oh, right,
Come on,
Thank you,
You ever think that your mom could be into my uncle?
Ew, if they ever got married and you got adopted,
that would make us brother and sister,
Good point,
At first, I would've said no possible way,
but I have this weird feeling,
Like what?
Like he might be growing on her,
- Yikes, - I know,
We have to find a way to stop this
before we become brother and sister,
But how?
I don't know,
Stop,
Mike,
Hey, Thank you,
- For what? - Susan decided to go out with me,
That's great,
Why're you thanking me?
Because I think she said yes
because you made me look good by comparison,
Mike, I got problems, man,
Tomorrow is "bring your parent to school" day,
- Nice, - Not nice,
What if I blow it, you know, the kid?
Plus, there's a fundraiser after school,
and for some reason, I volunteered to be the headliner,
Wow, that's,,, That's high-pressure,
You're not kidding, man,
We're talking about first-graders,
Brutal,
Hi, class,
Well, I should first start by explaining
that I am not Tim's dad,
Or his mom,
Tim's parents couldn't be here today
because they are in heaven,
Let's all take a moment of silence for Tim,
Okay, great,
I am actually Tim's uncle
and I am a magician,
Who knows what a magician is?
Yeah, We're not in kindergarten,
Right,
Hold your questions till the end, Thank you,
Now I'm sure you've all seen me in my television commercials,
Well, the parents have,,,
Okay, well, why don't I get started
with a good easy trick?
And I think that Mr, Helpful over here
is gonna be my lovely assistant,
for I do believe
that you have something behind your ear,
Where did that come from?
Isn't that egg-cellent?
Now, I'm going to levitate this egg over your head,
and what you have to do is say the magic word,
The magic word is "scrambled,"
Scrambled,
Are you ready?
Scrambled,
I'm so sorry,
Here you go,
Wipe yourself off, young man,
Uh-oh, that was the wrong rag,
Whoops,
Now, does anybody have $20, please?
Do the parents have $20?
How about $10?
Can I get a ten-spot, please?
Wow, thank you, You're very brave,
Now, I am going to rip
this $10 bill four times,
Oh, no, wait,
This was supposed to be a rope,
Does anybody have a rope?
How about a string?
Oh, Well,
I am feeling very bad about your money, sir,
Would you please check your inside pocket?
Nothing,
Nothing?
Well, where could it be?
Perhaps it's in this levitating bag!
Whose backpack is that?
That's real money, kids, Get it!
Where did all this money come from?
It's raining! It's raining!
You better get that, That's real money,
Let's go! Let's go!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
And Max is so rad, he made this backpack
levitate in the air
and then a bunch of money came raining down,
Where did all the money come from?
A magician never reveals his secrets,
But I swear, he was like Robin Hood,
Taking from the rich and giving it to the poor,
It was so cool,
Oh, right,
And, um, he gives me cookies for breakfast,
By the way, it's super bad for your teeth,
Ix-nay on the ool-kay,
Hey,
- Hi, - Hi,
I heard you were a hit at Parent Day,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
First let me say, whoa,
And second,,, Hey, Tim,
Thanks for the good props, wingman,
Is there something going on with you?
Why do you ask?
I don't know, I, uh, I noticed a change,
I'm blossoming,
It might just be my imagination,
No, I'm blossoming,
Well, it shows,
He has been good for me,
He makes me see things differently,
He lights up when he talks about you,
Yeah?
You know who else he lights up for?
I was thinkin' Friday after school,
if you're not busy, we come back here,
we'll have a nice picnic, all the the four of us,
We'll do it here, too, because this is gonna be our spot,
I don't know, Um, we got a lot going on,
Right after school?
Well, yes, I mean, we have,,,
We're going into the weekend,
and Brandi has this thing,,,
I'm not talking about anything different than what we're doing right now,
Except with food in a basket,
I know, I will think about it,
Good, And when you decide yes,
come meet us back here
and maybe we'll be here, too,
And if you can't make it, don't worry,
We probably couldn't either,
I like spending time with you,
And making sure you eat,
We'll see,
Thank you for the invitation,
You're welcome, See you Friday,
Okay,
Tim!
Report back to base at 6:00 p,m,, soldier!
That's military talk,
Bye,
We have to stop this picnic/romantic interlude at all cost,
But how?
I have an idea,
Well, we might be doing something else right after school,
Mike,,,
business is dead,
No customers means there's no sales,
no sales means there's no broke cars,,,
and no broke cars means there's nothing for you to fix,
So, it's over,
Well, I'll be fine, boss, I'm more worried about you,
You know Chubby is no Max,
He's got these freaky balloon animals, they're scaring all the kids,
Do you know any good magicians?
- Only one, - How's that for timing?
No, no, no,
Don't poop your pants,
I came to apologize,
So, how's business?
Business is business,
You know how it is this time of the year,
you gotta mix things up and get a gimmick,,,
Magic has a shelf life,
Clowns are fun for a while,
Hey!
Maybe next week, we'll have a petting zoo,
Maybe I might be able to save your bacon,
- You wanna hear my plan? - Yeah,
Hear me out, Flubby,
It's Chubby,
How many clowns do you know?
I know a few, why?
We're gonna need more than a few,
Or at least their costumes,
- You're ready? - Yeah,
I was so hoping you would say that,
See you,
Well, I just had a nice chat with your principal,
You want to tell me your side?
Clifford,
You really belted him, huh?
Yeah, I got in a couple good ones,
That's my man,
I thought you'd be mad,
You do know that we had a picnic planned
with Brandi's mom and Brandi,
What's that face for?
Uncle Max,,,
if you guys keep hanging out,
then there's a chance you could get married,
and that would be bad,
Why would that be bad?
Because if you adopted me,
then me and Brandi would be brother and sister,
Well, let's not get our hopes up, okay?
Brandi's mom can barely stand me right now,
I mean, she probably left that picnic,
if she even showed up in the first place,
Let's go then,
- All right, All right, - Come on!
Where are they?
Oh,
Oh, you made it, We were beginning to wonder,
Well, we had a little bid-ness to take care of after school, right?
- My man, Tim, here had to,,, - Take out the trash,
- Clean-up duty, - Yeah,
Yeah,
- Aah! - No!
Tim!
I tried to grab his hand,
but I couldn't hold him,
Hey, you gave it your best shot,
And it was our fault for letting you guys climb so high,
One thing you can't stop is kids being kids,
I'll be right back, sweetheart,
Mrs, C will take care of you,
- Okay, - Okay?
Come on, baby,
Come to Mrs, C,
Yeah, you're gonna be all right,
Hi, Mom,
Dad,
Dad, wait, wait, Before you say anything,
I want to say something to you first, okay?
I wanted to say that I'm sorry,
I'm sorry that I made you worry about me so much,
You worked so hard for us,
and you had so much on your plate, and I just,,,
piled more on,
Because I understand now,
I really know what it means to love somebody,,,
so much,
Dad, I'm you now,
But I don't know what to do,
I'll call you as soon as I know anything, okay?
Yeah, I love you, too,
Hey, bud,
It's Uncle Max,
Hey,
This is all my fault,
I should have been paying better attention to you,
I should have been the grown-up that I was supposed to be,
And I let you down, buddy,
Can I go home?
Oh, you bet,
We're gonna go home to our home,
And then I'm gonna take you camping,
I'm gonna teach you how to fish,
I'm gonna teach you how to drive,
I'm gonna teach you every magic trick I know,
I'm definitely gonna teach you how to climb trees
that are lower to the ground,
And I'll never take you for granted,
Dad?
No, It's just me,
Oh, hi, Uncle Max,
How you doing?
Why are you shaking?
Tim, I'm shaking
because I just realized how much you mean to me,
And I've never felt anything like this before,
It's a little scary,
You look like my dad when I chipped my tooth in kindergarten,
Did I ever tell you that your dad
was like a dad to me when I was your age
because I was always getting in trouble
and, um, he was always looking out for me,
I miss him and Mom,
I do, too,
Pretty sure they'd be handling it a lot better than I am,
No, You're doin' all right,
Thanks, bud,
You gotta get some rest now, okay?
Thanks, Uncle Max,
I think the doctors are actually more worried about me,
They checked my blood pressure six times,
I'm feeling a little better,
Mmm,
Almost fully recovered,
Oh, there he is,
I've been thinking about your proposal,
You have? That's great,
Listen, order yourself a stiff one and keep thinking,
Jimbo,
I'd say I'll see you tomorrow,
but I won't,
- Adios, - Oh, um,,,
About that new trick, I'd like to talk about that,
- You would? - Yeah,
Well, I'd love to tell you about that,
but I'm not gonna,
My phone's been ringing off the hook with calls from other dealerships,
Well, if that trick's half of what you say it is,
- I'll,,, - Double my pay,
Give you a 5% raise?
Okay, Okay,
This is what I got planned,
The car's here,
Thank you everyone for being here today,
We wish Magic Motors every success,
- Whoo! - Congratulations!
Ladies and gentlemen,
I, Max "the Magical,"
would like to welcome you all to the grand reboot
of Magic Motors,
Today, we have an amazing experience
for you that you will never forget,
So, are you prepared to be amazed?
Are you prepared to be astonished?
Are you prepared to be mystified?
Yes!
Now I must confide in you
our owner here at Magic Motors
has gone completely bonkers,
Our owner, Mr, Grismer,
is offering a $750 discount check
to every single customer here,
picked by a clown today,
Now of course I said, "Are you mad, man?
"Don't you want to make any money?"
But he told me the customer here at Magic Motors
always comes first,
And so,
and without further ado,
send in the clowns,
Whoa,
Thank you,
Thank you, everyone,
Now let's buy some cars,
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Hey, mister, can I have a balloon?
- Sure, kid, - Thanks,
Be sure to tell your parents where you got it,
How about this?
Uncle Max isn't scared anymore,
Of love, I mean,
What do we have here?
Likes? Not loves?
Slow down, Mario Andretti,
Who carves "likes" on a tree?
Check back with me in a couple of months,
- So disgusting! - Really?
So inappropriate,
All right, all right,
I think,,, Yeah,
I have one more trick up my sleeve,
Abra-cadubra!
Come here, little rascal,
A puppy? For me?
Well, yeah, I don't think I know the spell to send her back,
so I guess you can keep her,
Really?
Can we call her Magic?
- No, - Max?
Are you kidding me?
And you know what?
I'm not scared anymore either,
At Magic Motors, we make high prices disappear,
Prices, Max, Prices!