When Stephane Matteau was traded
to the Rangers at the deadline,
he figured he'd just be a spare player,
waiting around in case someone got hurt,
That was March 1994, Two months later,,,
He's off to the Devil's place,
across ice into the far corner,
Matteau swoops in to intercept,
Matteau behind the net,
Swings in front, he scores!
Matteau, Matteau!
Matteau, Stephane Matteau!
And the Rangers have one more hill to climb, baby!
And it's Mount Vancouver!
The Rangers are headed to the finals!
Which they went on to win that year,
That's the thing about hockey,
As long as you're on the ice, you have a chance,
I was at that Rangers game, Seven years old,
Got to see some players leave MSG on 31st Street afterwards,
Never forget it,
Matteau gave me a thumbs up,
Mom, I told you, Don't wash my jersey every time,
That's me,
And as far back as I can remember,
all I could think about was hockey,
You forgot this last practice,
Coach, why can't we change on the fly?
Next year,
Can we at least keep score?
Let's focus on having fun,
Winning is fun,
And the things that will take you
much further than hockey ever will,
Like discipline, teamwork, and leadership,
Come on, Bobby,
You know no one on this team is going to the NHL,
Now, let's go get some pizza!
Someone has to play for the Rangers in 15 years,
Sanders streaks through the middle,
splits the D-men,
Think that's funny, Luke?
What are you going to do about it?
I figured,
Mr, Sanders, put your weapon away,
Morning, lads,
Morning,
Mr, Sanders, Watkins, blazers,
Mr, Watkins, last week it was your left loafer,
Now your blazer?
It was right here, Mr, Demeny, I promise!
At recess you can tell me your action plan
for becoming responsible,
Now,
"We know what we are but know not what we may be,"
Shakespeare,
Today's assignment is a gift to your future self,
Each of you will write a letter to yourself, and seal it,
I will mail your letter to you in 15 years,
Write about what you hope you may be,
Sitting in this classroom,
there may be a conductor of the philharmonic,,,
chief justice of the Supreme Court,
And perhaps the owner of the New York Rangers
ice hockey team,
You have 15 minutes,
Think about the future,
"Dear me,,,"
I knew exactly who I was going to be,
and it wasn't the owner of the Rangers,
- Ah, the new guy from New York, - That's me,
- Stewey, - Bobby,
- Welcome aboard, - Glad to be here,
- How's it look? - Looks good,
So, you want to get your name and number
up in the rafters like Clearys?
- Absolutely, - Okay, skate hard,
Keep your mouth shut,
- And don't be barking at the refs, got it? - Got it,
- Good luck, - Thanks,
I played forward for two seasons,
And then this,
L four and five are really herniated,
and they're just pressing on this nerve,
I'm really surprised that the pain in your leg
hasn't started until now,
So then what's the deal, more epidurals?
No, I just don't think they'll work at this point,
Okay, look, how do I get back on the ice?
I mean, maybe if the Rangers draft you in the first round,
a second surgery could make sense,
but I can't recommend that to you right now,
Until other alternatives are explored,
To manage the pain,
Like any normal person, I got a second opinion,
and WebMD convinced me I had tertiary syphilis,
Whatever that is,
Then came alternative therapies,
Electric stimulation just spread MRSA,
Acupuncture with Dr, Wong cured my allergies,
but not my back,
And hypnosis didn't do shit,
These didn't really do anything either,
Although two of them on an empty stomach
did turn Science B47: Cosmic Connections
into a transcendent experience,
I even got a B plus on my final project,
A diorama of Sombrero Galaxy,
Yeah,
The surgery was a success,
but the recovery kept me off the ice through graduation,
If I wanted to play hockey again,
my only option was to find
a minor league team located in an area
that didn't have internet access
so they wouldn't be able to look up my stats from college,
Figure skating was an hour ago,
That was a dog shit call, ref,
That was a great call,
Two minutes till full time,
Right side, idiots!
As a reminder,
after last Saturday's incident
alcohol will not be served after the first period,
What did you do to get here?
I think it was hooking or tripping,
I don't know, It was a dogshit call,
No, no, no, no, no,
Why is a Harvard guy playing hockey here?
Can I get an autograph for my ten-year old son?
You got a pen?
You played with Matthew Sullivan at Harvard,
You must still be friends, no?
They say he's going to be NHL rookie of the year,
He's my son's favorite player,
All right, I'll tell you what,
You shave ten seconds off my penalty,
I'll get you a signed jersey from him,
Six seconds,
Game worn jersey,
Fine,
- Eight seconds, - Yeah,
My address,
You're free!
Now, we all have our stories as to how we got here,
While I was in college,
that guy was in a Kazakhstani prison,
Guard, not inmate, I think,
This guy, best athlete on the team,
Apparently competed in the last winter Olympics
in pairs figure skating,
Doesn't really matter that I can't pronounce any of their names,
We're all laser-focused on the game,
And no matter how many fans show up, or don't,,,
the clock's always ticking,
And someone's always watching,
Yeah!
Well done! Keep it up, lads!
And the beauty of scoring a game's first goal
in these European minor leagues,,,
You're set with groceries for the week,
Nice goal tonight,
You studied this in Holland, right?
Um, it was Belgium, actually,
My main sponsor pulled out a week ago,
so the team went bankrupt,
Happens in Germany, too,
You're wasting your time,
I don't know, man, It kind of feels like a step up to me,
With that, It hasn't worked in two years,
Living the dream, aren't we?
Jesus, fuck,
Shit,
There are two moments you never forget,
The first time you walk into a locker room,,,
and the last,
And that's how they let you know,
They take your pants,
Cut or traded?
Traded, part of a package deal,
Where to?
Up,
Up like what?
Up like North or like a higher league?
Both,
When I was a kid,
I thought that there was some sort of correlation
between how far North you are
and how good the hockey is,
You know, like Buffalo was better than New York City,
Toronto was better than Buffalo, you get the idea,
By that logic, I should probably be surrounded
by a bunch of Sidney Crosby's here,
Holy shit,
Hey, uh,,,
Hey,
Um,,,
You from around here?
Yeah, not too far, a couple Swedish miles,
Cool,
Um,,, is that a good book?
- You must be the new American, - Yes,
The goal-scoring forward who's going to save the season,
I don't know about that, but I'm going to try,
- It's all in the papers, - Oh,
My little brother goes to all the home games,
Thousands of fans,
- Really? - Mm-hmm,
Actually, would you mind signing something for him?
- Oh, God, yes, Yeah, yeah, yeah, - Like an autograph?
Let's see if I have anything,
Maybe you could write on this?
See if I have a pen,
- Voilà, - Found one,
His friends will be so jealous when he's the first
to get the new American footballer's autograph,
Footballer?
Soccer, as you Americans call it, right?
Hey, fuckface,
Let's go,
- Sorry, Yeah, - Thank you,
Now don't freeze to death,
Well, hey, listen, Um,,,
Tell your brother maybe he should bring
his sister to a game sometime,
- Okay, I'll do that, - Okay, good,
Let's go,
Will you come with us into town?
No, thanks, Tomas, I'm waiting to get picked up,
That's good,
I think you forgot something,
Might be useful,
Why?
All right, let's go,
- See you later, - See you,
Okay, welcome to Sweden,
You never fly directly to these towns,
You take a plane, then a train,
then a bus, and sometimes a shitty Volvo wagon
with a snow plow,
Three rules for players,
One, give me everything you have on the ice,
practices and games,
Number two, if you get the puck in the defensive zone,
you have two options,
Chip it out or fuck off,
And three is no shitting on the bus,
Works for me,
What the hell?
I thought you quit,
- That'll have to be next season, - Well, that's good,
Oy, oy, oy,
Okay,
Oh, not you, fuckface,
Just this beauty,
- Hey, What's up, man? - Hey, nice to meet you,
- I'm Gabbe, - Bobby,
Nice to meet you, Great salad,
Thanks, Come on,
Oh, God,
So this is pretty much it,
This is the castle,
You have either bed over here,
This is where we eat breakfast, lunch, dinner,
That's the kitchen over there,
Hey, where's the bathroom?
Up the hill,
Up the hill?
It's only temporary during tryout period,
Once they have contract,
I think we'll move to better housing,
Jesus,
So, how long after do we rinse?
No rinse, man, It's a leave-in conditioner,
- Needs time for the biotin to activate, - Mm-hmm,
Don't use too much, it's going to weigh down the hair,
So use about the size of a kronor,
Plus, it's very expensive,
What they get in return?
Enough cash for a boss washer dryer combo,
Which model?
300 series, 14 cycles,
Stainless steel, stain feature,
Bloody hell,
You must be a goal scorer,
What the hell is that?
That's ragga runda,
Just silly guys racing around cars trying to pick up girls,
Small town shit,
You always smell a locker room before you see it,
It's the same everywhere,
That unmistakable scent that only smells good
to those that have contributed to it,
And then there's the sounds,
A collective groan from a group of guys
when someone interrupts a story
or delivers a punchline a little too early
just to be a stain,
We were playing Smash Bros,
And then Ragge said, "I can't do it,
because condom is too tight,"
- Hey, pal, Dean, - Bobby, nice to meet you,
- Yeah, you too, - Where you from?
- Sunshine state, you? - New York,
Right on,
King Roos!
Best jet fuel in Sweden,
Hey, Roos, how's it going?
- America, - Thanks, buddy,
Oh, fuck me, That's really good,
- Yeah, it's best in the league, - Huh,
- What's up? - What about that guy? Is he on the team?
Yeah, Dick pics lately?
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
Yeah, he's captain for the last five years,
Oh, shit, What's with the, uh, longer one?
Uh, bag skates?
On the ice in twenty minutes,
20 minutes,
No practice for you today,
Oh, no, I can skate, coach,
Ay, you take a rest,
We have some important games this week,
All right, all right, You win,
- Whatever you say, - Fuckface, you meet shithead?
- Yeah, - Yeah, we met, coach,
I hope you bring some super shootout moves,
If you lose, you wind up with something like this,
- Ah, it's starting to grow on me, - It suits you, Look like, uh,,,
- Tom Selleck, - Captain Hook,
Nej, Gustav,
You sleep in, you dress the part,
Get fucked,
What's up? You have shoulder bark?
No, got to Omaha hi-lo split tourney in 45 minutes,
Got to be at the casino,
Wish me luck, boys,
- Hey Deaner, - Yeah?
Win big money, Bring back penis pump
and two Viagra for Ragge,
He's going to need three,
You sure? This is an absurd amount of caviar,
- Let's get it, - You think so?
Holy shit, I know that girl,
- Hey, - Hey, how are you?
- I'm good, what about you? - I'm good, how are you?
Well, very good,
Hey again,
Oh, I don't think we met before,
You're the footballer, remember?
Isn't ringing any bells,
The weirdo from the bus stop,
Oh, it's you! Yeah,
Thought I recognized you,
- I'm Elin, - I'm Bobby,
- Nice to see you again, - Nice to meet you again,
Yeah,
Will you be using your Lingen bucks?
Oh, we get, uh, 200 kronor in store credit per week,
- Store credit? - It's part of the hockey sponsorship deal,
We'll use our credit,
Okay, that's good,
Kalles Caviar,
A lot of Kalles caviar,
Hey, it's this guy, It's not me,
Looks like you're rated 15th among
European skaters for this year's NHL draft,
Funny, I always wanted to play football,
Bye, Dean,
See you soon?
We play Tuesday?
Monday night still work?
If you bring your cute friend,
We're 4-0 the night's she's slept over,
It's not about me, Gustav,
It's about the team,
- Right, boys? - Shouldn't you be leading a revolution, Poncho?
I don't even know what that means,
Okay, guys, we are reviewing
the Robitaille game,
You're in offensive zone, face off head,
We have a,,,
Then down the field,,,
The game exists on many levels,
There's the theoretical game,
Run fast as hell,
There's the actual game,
There's the game coaches play with players,
players play with refs,
There's the games that we play with ourselves in our own mind,
So that you don't get stuck,
Then down the field with the puck,
and forward, you cover the damn defense here on the blue line,
Bam!
So, if a single bastard messes up, then he ruins the entire game plan,
We must 100% focus from start,
If just one guy fucks the dog,
the play won't work,
The rest will work itself out,
All good?
- Yeah, - Surely,
Now, work strong, fuckers, today, huh?
- Did you get,,, - I know, I didn't,
It's not English, so I rarely do,
Behind the left!
Nobody has 99 on his jersey, fuckers,
Make the pass when you get the lane!
Dean,
- Okay, it's time for the Robitaille, - Okay,
All right, what's the play?
He wants us to run the Robitaille,
- What the fuck's a Robitaille? - No idea,
Who knows? Just get the puck to me, We'll figure it out,
Get the puck to the winger!
That's not the Robitaille!
- Nice work, buddy, - Thanks a lot,
Dean! Dean,
Reverse Robitaille,
- Works every time, - Mm-hmm,
So, this is enough for you?
Huh?
Because that's what it looks like,
One big fucking joke,
Okay, boys,
We finish with a nice shootout
and Dean will go get changed,
so he doesn't get late for his casino,
Go, go!
I like it,
Keep doing it,
Make me very happy,
Bye, bye!
Elin! You should come out an dance with us,
Too sober to dance right now,
Maybe later, okay?
Suit yourself,
Hey, all right,
Well, look at that,
The cute American football player is here,
Look, I got "hello" and "footballer,"
- The rest is,,, - You almost got it,
- Almost? Yeah, okay, - Mm-hmm,
I'll have to,,,
Hey, you think I could get a, like a Carlsberg?
Is that cool?
Do you even have a brother?
- Two? - Two,
Johan's at university at Uppsala,
and Elias is trying to get through high school,
What about you?
I got through high school and college,
- Impressive, - I know, high roller,
- I meant siblings, - Yeah, I know,
I got, um, um, one, Younger sister,
Her name's Claire, She's 14,
So she's, um, a, uh, sophomore in high school,
Tough age,
- It's your turn now, - To do that?
I'd have to stretch first,
- Have you ever been to Central Park? - Central Park?
Yeah, I grew up across the street, On Museum Mile,
The apartments on 96th and 5th ave,
By the Guggenheim!
Yeah, well, like, ten blocks away,
Why, have you been before?
- Never been to the U,S, - Uh-huh,
But I looked into working there,
Oh, yeah, and what? What happened?
- I didn't hear back, - Oh,
But, it's still on my bucket list,
Bucket list? Maybe to-do list,
I think you're a little too young for a bucket list,
- To-do list, - Okay, I didn't mean it in that way,
Um, well, hey, when you do decide to go,
I think you'll love it,
Like, everything you could ever want is right there,
So why are you here in Nowhere, Sweden?
Well, um, playing hockey professionally
is the one thing I couldn't do there,
I could barely do it here,
Welcome to Sweden!
- Tak? - Tak,
- Tak,
Mm, Tak,
So, how did it go last night?
Good,
I think,
I'm supposed to see her next week,
Nice, Want some, uh, Kalles caviar on your krakes?
Um,,,
It,,,
Mm, close, It's not hears delicious, it sounds delicious,
It sounds delicious,
- It sounds delicious, - Yeah, it sounds delicious,
That's good!
- Okay, - There you are,
Thank you,
- I can't wait to cook in a real kitchen, - Mm,
Mm, so much for our relaxing breakfast,
You're in check by the way,
- Check? - Fuck you, check,
Better move your king,
Come on,
It sounds delicious,
Hey, just Sanders,
Gabbe's ride's on its way,
See you later, man,
I'll see you on the ice, yeah?
See you later, buddy,
Let's go,
Yo,
- Hey, coach, How you doing? - Ah,
Take a seat, Bobby,
We've had to make some hard decisions on players, Bobby,
As you know, it's, uh,
expensive to have an extra American on the club,
So,,,
this is a contract for the rest of the season,
I hope you're worth it, fuckface,
Thanks, coach,
Nice work,
So, play better, right?
Will do, Thank you, coach,
It's our shared passion for the game
that creates a deep understanding of one another's
hardships on and off the ice,
However, we are each other's greatest competition,
and having success on the ice,,,
is always at the expense of someone else,
They take your pants when you're cut?
Yes, well, it's, they're never really your pants,
They're more on loan, basically,
- So impersonal, - Is it? You think so?
- Yes, - Yeah, all right, Maybe I got used to it,
- Really, - Mm,
How did Gabbe take it when he was cut?
Um, I don't know,
I didn't really get a chance to see him before he left,
- You haven't spoken to him since? - No,
- So no goodbye? - No, well, we're not really big on goodbyes,
The longer you do this, the more it just kind of happens to everyone,
So, that's how it works,
- Kind of sad, - You think so?
- I don't,,, - Not saying goodbye to your new friends,
Yeah, yeah, Well, I mean, kind of the best relationships
I've ever had though have been these ones where I,
you know, these fleeting ones where I don't have to
say goodbye, I guess,
- That's really sad, - Is that sad?
- Yeah, very sad, - Is that really pathetic?
Well, the good news is you've got a contract,
and I think that's worth celebrating, you know?
- Have you had Swedish food? - No, I haven't,
Do you want to try some?
- It sounds delicious, - It sounds delicious?
- Yeah, - Good Swedish,
I'm trying,
So food must be pretty good in this place, huh?
- Trust me, it's not the food, - Mm-hmm,
Lindefors is closed on Sundays,
so this is the only place that's open,
- Oh, - Tak,
Uh, English for you,
Yes, please, Thank you so much,
- Thanks, - Who's the cute American?
He is kind of cute, isn't he?
- Hockey player? - Yes,
Um, cute footballer, actually,
We don't have a football team here,
- You guys don't have a football team? - We don't have a football team,
Sorry, I lied before,
You know what?
- What? - I was thinking,
Thinking,
I think we should end this,
End what?
- What're we talking about? - This,
Us, like our relationship,
- Mm, - Spare us both the heartache,
Yes, yes, End, so you're ending
this on our first date,
Okay,
And, um, I really enjoyed our time together,
and I think you're a really sweet guy, Bobby,
- Mm-hmm, - It's been magical,
I just feel like we've been drifting apart
over these past few minutes,
Yeah, you know, I'm not surprised,
I'm hurt, but I'm not surprised,
I sort of started feeling a distance,
- Uh, the moment we met,,, - You felt, you felt it too,
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I should really call my mom, I think she was really
banking on this one working out,
Well, now that we got it out of the way,
should we just enjoy this?
Yeah, well, sure, but there's one thing first before we
- call this quits, - What?
You think that if, uh, we're breaking up
you can split the bill maybe?
We were going to split the bill anyways, This is Sweden,
Okay, well, then maybe you can pay for me,,,
,,,considering I'm so heartbroken,
Hey, they let you keep your skates and equipment on
when they're taking these measurements?
Quit bullshitting around, Let's go,
Come on, Play the game,
That's Matthew Sullivan, Sully,
Plays forward for the Pittsburgh Penguins,
Best friend since college,
Yes, and Mackers is up next,
Let's see what we got,
You will be streaming gay porn
on all wired internet library computers,
- Not too shabby, - That's right up your alley,
- Mack, - What?
Your costume's shit, by the way,
It cost me 35 dollars,
Ladies!
Either of you happen to find me lucky charms?
Maybe the Sugar Plum Fairy took them,
I'm more of a Wheaties guy myself,
Great source of fiber,
Let me guess, lacrosse initiation?
- Ouch, - Best you just bus your trays
and get out of here, Before you make even bigger fools of yourselves,
- Why you always got to be a dick? - Fucking asshole,
But seriously, lacrosse initiation?
Seriously? I don't know,,,
What the fuck are you doing now?
Updating the Penguins GM
on how their second round draft pick
is preparing for the season,
Oh, don't touch me!
- Why you benching me? - This guy's better than you,
How's the girl?
Well, she's Swedish,
She's 23 and she's hot,
The hell she doing with you?
That's the same bullshit glitz goal you used in college,
It's gutless,
All right, all right, all right, Hit X,
No, What's the point of scoring if I can't cele?
Why do we even have to play with offsides anyway?
Because you suck at rock, paper, scissors,
How are the girls in Pittsburgh?
What do you think? It's not Sweden,
It's Pittsburgh,
How's the body holding up?
Good,
Fucking bullshit skill stick,
Are you serious? You can't pause the game
when I'm in the middle of a breakaway,
I got to get to practice,
That's an automatic forfeit,
Fuck that, We'll finish up tonight,
Hey, by the way, I'm going to need another signed jersey,
It's going to have to be game worn this time,
Hey, don't you dare record that win,
All right, fine, Relax,
Robert H,
Sanders!
Would you rather make out with the mustache girl
from the kabob shop five minutes,
or get a hand job from Ragge two minutes?
- Eye contact? - Goes without saying,
- Kabob place on Kuddegard? - Yeah,
- Hand job Ragge for sure, - Hand job Ragge,
Yeah, hand job Ragge,
Hey, hey!
Do you know what he's listening to all the time?
Roos!
He wants to know what you're listening to,
If he scores tonight, I'll tell him,
He says if you score tonight, he will tell you,
Wash your hands, That's gross,
You know your blood type?
O positive, negative,
- Why? - Leveque, Going to want to stay out of his way tonight,
Oh, is this the guy?
This is the guy,
Two years in the show,
Three years in the jail,
Making his comeback,
Yeah, well that's some serious redemption,
You got to respect that, bud,
He tried to kill a guy with a pair of scissors,
Oh, well, good luck,
I didn't even know he could do that, I mean, it makes sense,
but scissors? Jesus Christ,
Don't want to fuck with that guy,
Hey, Leveque, they sell those muffins
by the dozen, you fucking plug?
He's going to kill me or he's going to kill you,
Let's go,
Come down!
I fought him before,
Even beat the piss out of him one time,
Of course, I was playing NHL '03 on my PlayStation 2,
Fuck,
- You don't want to do that, - Yeah?
Looks like your boy's trying to give him French braids,
What are you doing here?
Way back to the NHL, you?
- Still working on that, - Huh,
Going to be kind of tough with your skates untied,
Keep your head up out there, eh?
Hey, my sister had one of these growing up,
One of what?
Um, Pippi Longstocking doll,
Pippi Langstrump,
Oh, you guys had your own name for it too?
The Swedish fairytale that you Americans stole,
Yeah, well that's what we do best,
Although, you guys did steal Halloween and
uh, Mother's Day, Black Friday, plastic surgery, and,,,
You better be quiet because Pippi Langstrump
is the strongest girl in the world and she will kick your butt,
Oh, yeah? On dry land maybe,
I think on skates I could take her,
No, no, Her dad's a sea captain
so she's been on the seas her whole life,
India, China, Arabia,
America,
- Not yet, but she's going to get there, - Right,
Where are you taking me tonight?
I am taking you
on a camping trip in the Carpathians,
Whether we make it back is a risky prospect,
Tell me where we're going,
Come on,
Ladies first,
All right, one second,
You're going to have to help me,
- Okay, ready? - Yeah,
And we're,,, gliding,
And we're float,,, Oh,
You got it, Ready,
Hey, Roos!
Thanks, bud,
You are welcome, fuckface,
This is very sweet of you, fuckface,
- Oh, thank you so much, - This is beautiful,
- That's, wow, - Thank you,
Thank me once we survive this,
Yes, you have to, you have to teach me how to do this,
- All right, ready? So,,, - So,
You push off, say, with your right foot
and then glide on your left and then vice versa,
- You got it? - Okay,
- You got it? - Eh,
That's pretty good!
Kind of doing it,
Can you try and just,,,
I have seen a Picasso exhibit somewhere before,
- That's Cubism, Not impressionism, - Yeah,
Cubists painting have a more deranged idea
of time and space and matter and objects,
- Okay, - While us Impressionists, which are my favorite,
Right,
They use vivid brush strokes
and dream-like colors and it's very beautiful,
It makes my heart beat,
Wow, You do know your art,
I'll give you that,
Have you ever been to the MET?
Um, yes, I have and it is,
it's huge and you'll love it,
It's filled with paintings and statues of naked guys,
- mostly with their,,, missing, - Very funny,
No, I'm serious, It's the Catholic Church,
They ordered in the 4th century the removal of,
all of the statues',,,
- Penises, - Exactly,
And there's actually, there's a room somewhere,
There's a vault in the MET where all of these, you know,
- Penises, - Stone penises are meticulously cataloged and stored,
I mean, can you, can you imagine having to work there everyday?
I can,
I mean, it would be a dream,
- Not in the penis vault, - Oh, okay,
But at the MET, or the Guggenheim,
or some other museum in New York,
It would be amazing,
Well, tell you what, If you come visit me,
I'll take you to all those places,
Deal,
It's an accepted truth that the birthplace of ice hockey
is the frozen ponds of Canada, but thousands of years prior,
Vikings in Scandinavia invented a game called Knattleikr
played on thing ice, Players used sticks to try to put a small ball into a goal,
The game featured penalties, penalty boxes, body contact, spectators,
intimidation, and probably verbally abusing
whoever was officiating,
It's knowing stuff like this that keeps me from getting laid,
Hello, Where are you? Are you there?
- I'm so sorry, - Are you thinking about hockey?
Yeah, well, we are in a, we're in a hockey rink so,,,
Let's go somewhere else then,
You still thinking about hockey?
Hockey?
I don't think I've ever heard of hockey before,
I don't know who that is,
No, I was really thinking about how I should probably call my girlfriend,
I'm joking, I'm joking!
It's a joke!
Um, I was thinking about hair,
Hair? You're thinking about hair,
For the next game,
If I should slick it back
or keep it natural or,,,
So, where you off to next?
Um,,, Kiruna,
- Yeah? - Kiruna,
Kiruna, Um, which is north
of the Arctic circle,
No, I meant next season,
Where are you going?
Oh, Jesus, Um, Siberia I hope,
Somewhere warmer than here,
Oh, um, well,
maybe I'll just hang out here and hang out with the girl
who works at the super market, I don't know,
- That's the answer I wanted, - Mm-hmm,
- Yeah? - You can stay here,
In this bed,
For the rest of the season,
Countries change, players come and go,
Hell, even winning is temporary,
but there is one constant
we all take great comfort in, McDonald's,
That'll be 2201 kronor, please,
- They really love you on here, - Who?
The girls on the fan forum,
- What do they say? - Oh, well, this grade A bitch, wait,
Good evening, Baltic Holidays,
Mr,Dumaras speaking, which places would you like to visit?
- Firestick? - Yeah, Yeah,
Order from the Amazon,
and do the jailbreak,
- You know, how you watch for free so channels won't be suck? - Mm-hmm,
I show you,
Thanks, So I says to her, you may be a lady,
but Gunther's the hottest bitch in class,
You know, cause Gunther is a dog,
- Yeah, I can see that, - That's,,, right,
There's nothing funny about that, Sorry,
Fuck it, Roos thinks I'm funny,
Okay, who the fuck drank my McFlurry?
You don't drink McFlurry,
You eat McFlurry, you idiot,
Fucking Russians,
Pay day, Roos,
I scored tonight, Come on,
What's up?
How are you?
Good game, shithead,
Start,,,
Well, the expression is "lagom ar bast,"
and "lagom" is a word that means,,,
- It's kind of hard to define, - Mm-hmm,
Um, but it means not too much, not too little,,,
Not too little, just the right amount,
But, it's not like perfect either,
- Right, - It's kind of, anyway, so,
Is it like Jante Law a little?
- Is that how you say it? Jante Law? - Jante Law?
- Jante Law, - Where'd you hear about Jante Law?
Um, Gabbe told me about it when he was here,
Have you spoken to him since he was cut?
No, I actually haven't yet,
But, um, um,
- Oh, shit, it's Gabbe, - Is it really Gabbe?
No, it's not, Just kidding, It's my little sister,
- You want to, you want to say hi to her? - Very funny,
- Sure, Yeah, - Okay,
Hi, Claire!
What are you doing?
I am sitting on
this big ass lake with my friend Elin,
Hi, Claire, Nice to meet you,
You too!
She's so beautiful, Why is she with you?
- Okay, what do you need, Claire? - Do you have any of your high school papers
on The Great Gatsby? We have a term paper due in two weeks,
I can see when I get home, What's the topic?
I forget what it is exactly,
but it's something to do with the American dream,
Okay, I can see what I can dig up on my computer,
Can you just please send me whatever papers you have?
Yes, Claire! Did you even read the book?
Yes, but I don't really understand it,
Okay, well, um,,,
it's like, it's like Gatsby's reaching for something that's,
that's already behind him, right?
Please just send me any papers you have,
I'll make sure he does,
Thanks, Elin! Why are you with my brother?
Okay, thanks very much, Claire, Thank you,
She's so sweet, She's funny,
- Oh, you think that was sweet? - Yes,
- I like that she makes fun of you, - Okay,
- You deserve it, - Yes, yes,
Well, I miss her, I actually really do miss her sometimes,
- I understand, - Hmm,
I think we should swim, Should we have a swim?
- Swimming? - Yeah,
Yeah, absolutely,
We always went to swim with our clothes on
in Winter when we were children,
They had to like, test to see if we could stay afloat
- if we accidentally fell in, - Mm-hmm,
Yeah, and then we sauna,
So, we do like, in and out,
- and then we roll around in the snow, - Oh, okay,
Do you want to go inside and have a beer or something?
Sure,
Do you think your family wishes you were more
conventional with your life choice?
Conventional how?
Get a stable job, like a 9:00 to 5:00 kind of thing,
Living in New York, having a girlfriend, and all that kind of stuff,
- Yeah, sure, sure, sure, - That kind of thing,
But, I mean, I think that they're,,,
I think that they're pretty supportive,
Whether they understand it
completely is a different story,
I mean, what about, what about your folks?
Do they, are they supportive of your,,,
artistic ambitions?
- My dad was an artist so he's kind of thrilled,,, - Oh, yeah?
,,,that I'm doing the same thing or that I'm interested in,
- you know, his passion, - What kind of an artist?
- He worked with wood, mostly engraving, - Mm-hmm,
Well, what happened? You said "was,"
- You happened? - I happened,
I think I came as a bit of a surprise to them,
I wasn't planned and, you know, living the bohemian life
in Stockholm in a small apartment didn't really work with a baby,
so we moved back here and, all of a sudden,
23 years have gone by and here we are,
and he's a wood shop teacher now,
Well, do you, do you ever, do you think that he ever,,,
you know, dreams about what might have been?
He probably, probably does,
I think he's happy that
he can live vicariously through me,
Um, yeah,
What about you? Do you think that you would be resentful
if you had to stay in America and not follow your dream?
I'd like to say no,
- Okay, well here's a question, - What?
- If you were to wake up tomorrow,,, - Mm-hmm,
,,,to the shocking realization
that you suddenly have three kids,
and you had to put your whole life on hold for obvious reasons,,,
would you resent those kids?
Guess I would, yeah,
- Here's another question, - Okay,
Do you even want to have kids?
- Is it terrible if I say no? - No, it's not
- terrible at all, - Because I don't think I want kids at all,
I just thought I had you pegged,
Pegged as Swedish housewife,
- No, no, - Caring for her husband,,,
- No, no, no, No, no, - ,,,and her children,
cooking cinnamon buns all day,
Okay, okay, no, no, I guess I realized
I just don't really know you, That's all,
I guess you don't,
- I'm Elin, - Bobby,
- Nice to make your acquaintance, - Nice to meet you, yes,
- Finally, - Yes,
- Your dream is to go to the NHL? - Yeah, something like that,
What do you, what do you think the odds are that you'll go there?
Kind of not so great odd,,, kind of terrible odds, actually,
So why keep doing it?
Okay, first thing I ever slept with was a two piece aluminum stick,
I got it for my seventh birthday, I scored in three straight games,
- I used it in Mike's, Yes, - You talking about hockey?
- We're still talking about hockey, - Okay,
- It's a really important thing to me,
I think it's still in my parent's house somewhere,
I put it somewhere, English, please,
I need all the help that I can get,
Thank you, But yeah, I think it's still
in my mom's apartment somewhere, Anyway,,,
Just when you think they're about to fall apart!
Ducks fly together!
When the beer is warm and the girls ain't pretty!
Ducks fly together!
When we're up by five and there's ten minutes left!
Ducks fly together!
We all know that last one's never happened boys,
Let's get real,
Conway is a defensive liability every shift,
Yeah, well, if Bombay put him on a line with some
play makers rather than Connie Moreau,
then maybe he wouldn't feel the need to
do everything himself,
New movie!
- We've seen this a hundred fucking times, - Which way's the bus face?
Hey, uh, what's rule number three?
- No shitting on the bus, Tomas, - Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it,
I make the rules, I can break the rules,
Tak, Klas,
You keep playing how you did tonight,
and I'm going to lose you to that league, fuckface,
Yeah, there's only two North American imports for each team, right?
Three when I played there,
- When was that? - Two seasons before the sharks signed me,
San Jose?
Hmm, I never played the show,
Got to play in Cleveland for their farm team,
Did you,,, Oh, no, thank you,
How long did you play in Cleveland?
Four weeks,
Hurt my shoulder, Got cut,
Came back to play here,
All rise for the honorable Judge Graybeard,
Please be seated,
- How do they plead? - Guilty, All of them,
Okay, let's, uh, let's start with Gustav,
50 Kronor for, uh, stepping on the logo,
Dumi, another phone call in the locker room,
Third offense, 100 Kronor,
I get rebuttal?
Not today,
Then kiss my ass,
Bobby,
70 Kronor for, uh, snapping your stick in the equipment room,
I got docked for that last paycheck,
Twice the amount for rebuttal,
That's 140 Kronor,
- Dean, - Hmm,
- 50 Kronor for that haircut, - Make it 100,
No one should look this good,
Hey, I got one,
It's on Roos,
He told Elin I have the worst shootout moves in all of Sweden,
- What do you say, Roos? Is it true? - Absolutely,
I guess that's it,
Court is adjourned, You may finish
preparations for practice,
Ah, please roll me out,
Klas, you look like Oreo without cookie,
- Yeah, double stuffed, - Rookie, let's go,
Wheel him out,
All right, I'm going to need you, need you
to give me some help with some simple math here,
You're assuming a lot on my behalf,
Do you carry the one or is that, uh,,,
Well, first of all, court is spelled with a "U,"
Yeah,
Is that wrong?
- We'll figure it out, - Okay,
Ooo, Money money,
You're going to look dashing with that mustache, Bobby,
No pressure,
Okay, if I miss this,
it's my turn to grow a mustache,
Shit,
I don't know if I can even grow a mustache,
Maybe I should go Gunner Stall on this one,
Triple deek, hi-glove, You know, I like to get fancy,
Man, Dumi has a good fucking command of the English language,
I should hang out with him more,
Triple deek?
That's one of the dumbest ideas I've ever had,
I can't believe that entered my mind,
Plus, didn't Julie the cat stone Gunner in D2?
Wait, why the hell does Gunner do a full stop after the triple deek?
That completely negates the purpose of it,
Just shoot the fucking puck,
- Nice dump in, Sanders! - Oh!
Goal line,
Bobby, you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, Yeah, I'm good, - You okay?
Okay, guys, that's it for today,
Yeah, right,
Yeah,
What do you think? Is it bad?
I want to do an MRI,
Too much swelling to know for sure,
but there's nothing wrong with the range of motion,
Could be just a pulled hamstring,
- but, uh, we'll do an MRI to be safe, - Sure,
It's open,
I got some really good news,
Hey, Elin, this Dr, Svensson and you know coach Tomas,
- Nice to meet you, I'm Elin, - You too,
- Hi, Tomas, - Elin,
Is everything okay here?
I just, I tweaked my hamstring at practice
a little bit, but it's not a big deal,
Take two of these with every meal, and, uh,
- ice it every 20 minutes and keep it elevated, - Okay,
I'll get the MRI scheduled first thing on Monday,
Very good, Thanks,
Thanks for coming by, Tomas,
Yup,
You get some rest,
He should rest,
Okay,
- Bye, - Bye,
An MRI? That sounds kind of serious,
No, it'll be all right,
You sure?
Yeah,
Um, what's the good news?
Oh, um, nothing,
- Nothing, Silly, - Well, now it's mysterious,
It was nothing, I was trying to make a joke,
- It was nothing, I promise, - Okay,
Roberto, what's shaking, playa? Want to play NHL?
Nah,
I fucked up my hamstring at practice today,
- Bad? - I don't think so,
Anything to do with the back?
I have an MRI Monday to see what the deal is,
Hey, why'd they, uh, scratch you from last night's line up?
Uh, Pittsburgh traded me, man, to the Rangers,
Coming home,
Dude, that's pretty sick, Playing in the Garden?
Oh, please, man, Come on,
You're the one with Swedish girlfriend
and guys that actually play video games on your team,
All the young guys here are Russian,
They don't give a shit about vids,
And the older guys, they suck,
So, I'm stuck playing with the captain's ten-year old kid,
and that little shit uses all these bullshit cheat codes,
so it's either that or playing
fucking campaign mode on Call of Duty,
Ah, that's still pretty sick,
Being in New York I'm sure will be better,
I heard Michelle Hull's moving back,
What?
Remember you took her roommate out
sophomore year and ended the date
by kissing her on the forehead?
Dude, she had mono,
Yeah, freshman year, brother,
You got the squarest wheels in the league,
That shit,,, it's contagious,
They can be dormant for over a year,
- I don't,,, whatever, - All right, look,
If your leg falls off and need to come back to New York,
Macker can probably get you a look at Goldman's,
Yeah, who hires a leprechaun to guard their gold,
Exactly, plus I'll have an extra bedroom,
I'll send you a link to this place I found,
Tribeca, no broker fee,
Oh, and I got the new Call of Duty: Black Ops,
I'll hit you later, Sully,
All right, brother, I'll talk to you later,
Well, no sign of a tear,
Thank fucking God,
But, we can't rule out a recurring problem,
Now, this could be the result
of your body overcompensating for your previous injury,
Now if this is the case, and you continue to play, it could be a great risk,
Okay, um, but if it's not the case,
and it's just a pulled hamstring,,,
I mean, how long you think until I can get back on the ice?
You'll miss three games, maybe four maximum,
Think we could tell Tomas three?
Don't worry about that bastard,
He'll understand, but I will tell him three just in case,
Thank you very much,
So um, how long have you guys known each other?
Oh, um, classmates as kids,
and we've been friends now maybe 20 years,
Wow, So, what's the deal with the, uh, shoulder then?
- Shoulder? - Yeah, you know,
He played in Cleveland,
Injured his shoulder,
Had to quit, come home,
He stopped playing because of his goddaughter,
She has the same problem as Roos,
He came home to take care of her,
All right, Bobby,
- Take it easy out there, - Yeah, Thanks very much, doctor,
Thanks for the lift, pal,
Uber's dog shit out here,
Yeah, how'd it go?
Uh, bullshit automatic shuffler,
Well, you got to play the cards you're dealt, buddy,
Yeah? You play the cards you're dealt,
they'll butt fuck you half the time,
- I thought you were good, - I am,
However, the key is knowing when to fold,
Oh, yes, Kenny Rogers? And how do you know when to fold?
Well, if I knew that, I probably wouldn't be here, would I?
I'd be yucking it up at the final table with Phil Ivey,
You want to know when to fold? You play enough hands, you figure it out for yourself,
There she is,
- Who? - Rebecca,
My home game muse,
She, uh, looking to play a little double dutch?
Yeah, she wants me to serve
a five minute major in her penalty box, baby,
Do we play home this weekend or are we on the road?
We are away,
Fuck,
You going to save that sucker to drafts?
Yeah,
Can't fuck with tradition,
Hey, yeah, she actually kind of reminds me
of, um, a girl from college,
Was she hot?
- Yeah, sh- - Okay, so stop right there,
Just think the story through first,
The timing and shit like that, You know,
Fuck you,
Hey, you ever, you ever thought about
what you might do after hockey?
Yeah, I got an idea,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
No joke, it's like a trillion dollar idea,
And if that doesn't work out,
I'll probably be a cop back home,
So, what's the idea?
Yeah, right, You think I'm going to tell you
and let you steal it like those robot douche bags
took Eisenberg's Facebook,
Keep dreaming, buddy,
I mean,,,
truthfully, I think next season will probably be my last one,
Because you know, there's a point in hockey
when you go from prospect to suspect,
and even the police academy's
got an age limit for consideration,
So, I figured I'd make the call
before the hockey gods do,
What about you?
It's like, you do something long enough,
you kind of don't know what you'd be without it,
Yeah, well, maybe you find out
who you are by first finding out who you're not,
Oh, shit, check it out,
What the fuck is that?
I think it's the northern lights,
How does that happen?
Mm, negatively charged ions
near the poles or something like that,
Easy, Harvard,
Well, it has to be a good sign,
♪ I've been keeping it on the DL ♪
♪ Got a girl that keeps it real ♪
♪ That's all I need to know and all you need to know, babe ♪
♪ Since you been gone I'd been getting laid back ♪
Hey, nice fanny duster, brother,
Hello, hello, this is Dumas,
Yes, it's two hours to Vilnis,
Only five minutes walk to world famous Pussy Lounge,
What are you doing, brother? Are you booking a vacation? What is it?
Sorry, please hold, Please hold,
No, no, no, no, no, I have, um,
Air BNB's, American's love them,
I have like six of them,
Yeah, sorry, Sorry, I, uh, have, uh, I'm in the club,
- It's very loud, - That's bullshit, You do it on an app,
Why is he on the phone?
Hustling all day, every day,
Fellas, Sorry I'm late, boys,
Hey, so how's the, um, how's the Rebecca situation?
Home game muse,
High maintenance as usual,
Couldn't get out of my room this morning,
Told her we had practice, She wanted to watch,
so I had to audible an off ice workout,
hence the whole headband and,,,
Jesus Christ,
She did however, show me the uh,,, Roganverdon?
Oy, oy, oy, wheelbarrow,
I love this one, Yeah, it's nice,
So, what's the, what's the Roganverdon? What's the verdict on that?
I wouldn't do it with a pulled hamstring,
- No? - Yeah, yeah, we will need a spotter,
What's this?
It's an '82, It's good, You sip it slow,
It gets you drunk fast,
No, no, no, no, no, I,,, what the fuck?
- I don't drink this shit! - You'll drink horse piss,
but you won't drink delicious box wine?
What's wrong with you? Fucking Russian,
- I'm Latvian! - Whatever,
In NHL action, the New York Rangers
defeated Florida Panthers four goals to two,
The Rangers were led by a two goal performance
from newly acquired center man Matthew Sullivan,
In local news, band legend,,,
Hey, you ever thought about, you know,
what it might be like, you know,
if you were, if you were better?
Ah, in Latvia, my grandfather always tells me,,,
"It's better to have the sparrow
in the hand than the pigeon on the rooftop,"
Yeah,
I literally have no idea what you're talking about,
It means what you have in the hands
could be what you're looking for in the skies,
What do you see?
Yeah, yes, I understand glass half full perspective,
Thank you very much, Ragge,
That's great, Thank you,
If I was in the NHL right now,,,
I would be having drink at bar, yeah?
Celebrating you had good game,
Sharing drink with teammate,
What is this?
Try it, Yeah?
Latvian vodka,
Make Russian vodka
look like baby juice,
That stings,
Oh, my nose,
Hey, guys,
All right,
Hi!
- Drink? - Yes, please,
- This for me? - Yeah,
Cheers!
- Cheers! - Cheers!
- Here's to you getting back out on the ice where you belong, - Cheers,
Kumla breaks through, two to one, goal!
He put Kumla first on the leaderboard!
Hey, did you, did you know that coach Tomas,
he, he played for Kumla?
Of course, dude, They retired his jersey
in ceremony last year,
See, that's bullshit, How the hell is turnstile Tony still in that league?
I don't understand why they take guys like that,
I don't know, man, He's got a pretty good shot,
Wasn't he like a Devils draft pick
- a couple years ago? - Does not matter,
He's not good at hockey,
He can't skate backwards and
he fumble fucks backhand passes, He's bad,
Okay, well this is starting to sound a little bit personal here,
What's your problem with fumble fuck Tony?
I don't like him because he took my spot on the national team,
You weren't going to make the national team,
- I could have made the national team, - No, shut up,
No, you must play like ferret in kiddie pool
to be on national team,
Here you go,
- Thanks, - Oh, one more,
I don't why I didn't tell him,
Guess I'm no better at goodbyes than he is,
I don't know, Still seems kind of fucked up though,
Yeah, I probably should have seen it coming,
To be honest, I kind of respect her for it,
Yeah, well,,, you were probably
going to leave her in the dust at the end of the season anyhow, so,,,
Yeah,
Hey, want to play NHL?
Can't do it, buddy, Poker tourney starts in five,
- Got to pay rent, you know? - Okay, brother,
- See you in the morning, - Later,
Sometimes I feel like it's not
a reality I'm living in,
The game requires and unrelenting,
alienating self-absorption,
Maybe that's just how I see it,
When was the last time I had a conversation that didn't revolve
around me and hockey?
It's like I'm on this delusional journey,
All these people around me are the extras and the places just pit stops,
Is this all just another memory for me
to tuck away, never to return to?
Maybe this is the dream, and I've been missing it all along,
Spring is just around the corner,
which means desperation time in the European minor leagues,
Some guys desperate to make the playoffs,,,
others desperate to go to Thailand,
The season's pretty much done,
Mathematically eliminated from the playoffs,
Once the regular season's over,
some guys will say goodbye,
Most guys won't,
Nearly everyone will end up here,
raiding the equipment room,
stealing extra gear for the summer,
- You got that? - Yeah, let's get out of here,
Hold on, One second,
- You hear back from Tomas yet? - No,
It doesn't make any sense, I don't know why'd they cut the leading goal scorer,
It makes all the sense in the world, man,
Four throw away games left,
they save money by cutting me now,
Yeah,
Hey, need your help,
And grab a twig,
All right,
Yeah, You give me that?
All right,
So what's the game plan?
Uh, my good buddy Sully's playing
in New York for the Rangers,
so I was thinking I might, yeah, stay with him,
Yeah? That or track down Elin,
Yeah, maybe,
Snap a pic,
Wait, wait, wait, how's the salad look?
- Brutal, - Sick,
Take a step to you right,
- Yeah? - Your other right,
Hey, fuckface,
I wouldn't retire that just yet,
Kumla called,
They want you in their lineup tonight,
Hey,
Dear me, I hope you find something you love
as much as I love hockey,