So, can you use a gun?
We're up with our fists,
Who will I be fighting?
Our enemies,
Have you ever been to prison?
Why'd you ask?
The terms you're willing to take,
What did you do?
A power saw something in his shot wing that I wanted,
So I drive into it,
It's called a smash,
Smashing rub,
Yes, I know,
I do read the papers,
Says here you've recently worked for a film actor,
Yes,
As his bodyguard?
Amongst other things,
But before that, in this bookshop,,,
Why did you leave there?
I didn't care for it,
And you're happy with this arrangement?
A book has his life,
I have mine,
It works,
I'm amazed more people don't do it,
I knew him,
Your father,
I knew him before the war,
You knew him,
Jack?
This is,,, I can't,
Jack, where are you going?
But your previous employer trusted you?
Yes,
Despite your history,
Because of it, perhaps,
And should we trust you?
Well, suppose you'll find out when the next session comes,
Nora,
I never did it,
Never did what?
Made shillings out of ice and put them in the meter,
What's all this corrosion then?
That's rust,
Yes, it is,
Oh, well, isn't it?
We could burn a few,
No, we couldn't,
Not even the Georgette Hayers,
No, really, Nora,
If someone's so new to the pleasures of
reading, you're first becoming a terrible snob,
What is it?
Feels quiet without him,
God bless the waltz again,
And all who sail in her,
Oh, God,
Bloody hell,
Don't forgive me, my dear,
I seem to be in a state of advanced repression,
Oh, I have no respect to just stay there or fetch a cloth,
Oh,
God,
Thank you,
Here,
It's for him,
Look,
Look here,
Please enjoy,
Not enough lemon juice,
Too much ice,
And I did not like the way you shook it,
Too violent,
Of course,
Excuse me,
They think I'm too violent,
It's a violent art,
Good thing I didn't waste any gin on them then,
You're a quick learner,
I'm glad you've fallen on your feet,
I had no idea you'd be here,
We haven't seen you in weeks,
How are you?
Look,
I haven't got long,
What do you want?
Oh, Jack,
Is this silly?
We miss you,
We both hoped you'd found a safe birth in Archangel Lane,
Oh,
Look at me,
Well, our arrangement is unusual, I know,
But as I said to you, when we first met,,, Love is where it falls,
And how does my father fit into all of that?
Yeah,
Well, Mr, Bug's little balance is, was he?
Well, but we need to talk to you about your father properly,
But our marriage protects us both,
Don't we have the right to be happy?
Happy,
Well, Gallivant enough into the night,
Him with God knows who and you,
So the latest is it,
Fellow of the moustache,
He's kept in awe only in before the war,
Oh, dream about the officer's mess, was he?
Something like that?
Listed slightly now, don't I?
Bloody!
You don't know how to pick him,
Mrs, Bug?
Well, we better not keep him waiting,
Excuse me,
I'll come to my room and help me dry off,
I'm wet, woman,
Give me the damn cloth,
Come on,
You're running hands off me,
I won't have it for shame,
Oh, dear sir,
Oh, you've had a right miss up,
Who's this?
Wet trousers are against the dress code, you know?
Just the walls in them,
So why don't you go back to your room, take
the wet pants off and have a little lay down?
I have never been so insulted,
I'm sure you have been,
I'd better like you,
Victor Orr,
My old friend,
I can't leave you alone for five minutes, can I?
Let it go,
Can't take a joke,
Sit down,
Erm, can we have a couple of girls?
What do you call them?
We'll sit them sours,
For the two ladies,
For their royal harnesses, you mean?
These are on me ladies,
And may I say, you are looking superbly bulking tonight,
That salute, the House of Scotari,
Whichever commissar lives in it now,
Take a good look, Chutty,
That's what happens to you when you get dethroned by the Reds,
Oh, dear,
Allow me,
So embarrassing,
I do apologise,
Not at all, not at all,
Look after the pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves,
Hahaha,
Now then,
Oh, yeah,
Had a bit of luck on the horses,
You know, ask it,
Very well, sir,
How is the going?
Oh, well,
Good to firm,
After this, shall we, yeah?
Oh, normally my favourite ellipses, but I just
think we should call it a night now, Victor,
Oh, trotty,
You're no fun anymore,
It's amazing how different things can look without the benefit of the blackout,
Here's to Joe Stalin's next stroke,
Tinkity-tongue,
Victor!
This is a Deutschmark,
Yes,
This is Chinese,
Oh,
And this is a button,
It's a very nice button,
Nora, have you been taking shillings from this tin?
No,
Remind me, what's the price of a green penguin crime novel?
A shilling?
Ah,
That's better,
Ah,
Success,
Oh, it's you,
You ready to commit a frame, Miss?
No, Sergeant, she was just, um, browsing,
I hate to seem inquisited, but why are you here?
There's a chap being killed at the walls in them,
Poisoned,
Dead in a pile of pound-nouts on the floor of the river bar,
Oh, that's just our sort of thing,
Don't get too excited,
The inspector wants a book,
A G-book, that's quiet,
There's some foreign royalty involved, it seems,
He says, uh, do you have anything on the Balkan rules of revenge?
Specifically the canon of Scotari,
How to too ridiculously obscure?
Do you have it?
Almost certainly,
And, uh, 504, he says,
504,
Room with a view?
I'm sorry, for some, I suppose,
Mrs, Book's already checked in,
Why?
Oh, uh, she's one of the suspects,
Trouble in paradise,
Is this her?
Oh, what a beauty,
Yes, might be one of those clues,
We like those,
Do you mind?
Yes,
Do people really say what's your poison when we're at the bar?
No idea,
I don't get out much,
What do you mean?
Well, sing up,
So's he,
Oh, yeah,
Let's, uh, let's get him somewhere more prior,
Not the main entrance, please, Inspector,
I'm sorry we can't be more discreet,
You may, I suggest the service corridor,
Oh, yes,
Thank you, Mr, Kind,
Nothing to stop reopening the bar tomorrow, I think,
What do you mean?
You have a reservation,
I know my wife,
You're what?
Mrs, Book, have you seen her?
I'm afraid she may be distressed,
No book,
Oh, 504, Freddie?
I know I'll keep this one,
Thank you,
What's happening?
What's this about a corpse?
Why have I been scaring my stacks?
It looks like a Vulcan blood feud,
Oh, I'm not proud of myself,
I was champagne,
I'd date the races,
Riddle me re-in the dude, Bertie,
Cop tales, war, cop tales, and then,
Georgie, we live our own lives,
That was always the deal,
Self-flagellation is never helpful,
Not nearly as much fun as someone doing it to you,
Who was he?
Or,
Or?
With two a's,
Naval Captain married admitted me for an air raid, 41,
He, er, made a pass at me in,,,
In,,, Where?
Please don't make me say the F word,
Foyles,
Yes,
I'm not proud of you,
I just fancied a good time,
Well, there's nothing wrong with that,
You don't have to be the most awful bore,
Well, as you know,
In the morgue,
Oh,
One last night on the tiles,
And there's something else,
Look,
That got you here,
You ready?
For what?
To interview royalty,
It's a little irregular, isn't it?
You don't care,
They terrify me,
I'm not going in there alone,
Haven't you taken their fingerprints?
I've got Morris to do that,
I may be a coward, but I'm not awful,
I have our primary text,
A canoe and a scotari,
Oh, no,
Looks expensive,
Will it pay for our sweet inspector?
Oh, the late Captain had taken care of that, Missy's book,
You're in the room next to the princesses,
Oh, what are they like?
Oh, they're glamorous and sort of disappointed and stateless kind of way,
Perhaps this time I kept a close arrival in an ear, too,
I used one of those little glasses,
They keep by the sink,
So, will this help us find you've done it?
Look at customary laws, remote mountain communities without a magistrate of justice,
The village elders consult the text and then tell you how much Reiki to provide
for your daughter's wedding, what to do with your bees, escape and build a nest on
your labors land, that sort of thing,
And who you're allowed to kill if somebody kills your cousin,
Well,
what language did you think it was going to be in?
Well, we have three native speakers on the premises, but they're all suspect,
Who's the third?
Oh, he's a rather good-looking cocktail waiter,
Well, don't fret too much,
The beautiful Teutonic scholar did publish a translation of it in the German,
How are you?
You certainly speak the German,
In his sleep sometimes,
So where is this translation?
Nora is looking for it now,
It must be somewhere in the law section, or social science, or etiquette,
or propping open a door,
You said there was something else,
Yes, these princesses have been given gainful
employment, one of the capital's dispossessed,
Oh, yes,
I know,
And there he is,
I'll turn down the bedspread,
Sergeant Morris will be a long scene to take a statement,
Yes, of course,
I'd be great for Mrs, Booker if you didn't leave the hotel,
It's perfectly all right, Inspector,
You have to do your duty,
You're here to see the Royal Highnesses,
Hello,
Oh, dog,
Where is it?
Green,
Straight, greened,
Morocco-bound folio, with a lot of academic monographs bound inside,
Slightly foxed, according to the catalogue,
You want no help?
They're coming, they're scotary,
What would I do without you?
Time
for a little chat,
Mrs, Book,
Poof,
I beg your pardon,
I apologize for it,
That we have sank solo,
Remember the great banketing table through here?
Chairs made with birch,
As silvery as the snow on the mountain tops,
Upholstered with the masks or so,
Oh, we've been in more awkward situations than this, haven't we, Inspector?
That we have book,
So, which is the policeman?
You?
Or this book?
He's taking notes for me,
Helping with the Pittman's shorthand,
So useful,
Tal and redheaded,
Like the poppies of our homeland,
I realise that this will be very difficult for you, your royal highnesses,
But if there's any detail you can recall, however
small it may help us discover who killed Captain Or,
That is easy,
I killed him,
Sorry,
He did what?
It is true,
I switched the glasses,
He drank the poison, meant for one of us,
We have a routine, my sister and I, to couse a distraction,
I salute the house of Scutale,
I shall have a commissar lives in it,
Take a good look, trust me,
That's what happens to you, if you get dethroned by the Reds,
Oh!
Oh dear!
This is so embarrassing,
I do apologize,
Not at all, not at all,
Look after the pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves, right?
It is a habit, a necessary precaution,
Like this,
This was the third attempt on our lives since we left New York,
There was a stewart on the Beringaria,
Can I turn over your room, madam?
So transparent,
And that Salvation Army woman outside the opera,
Shaking her tin box,
She denied everything, of course,
Who do you think is trying to kill you?
The Communists, of course,
Opera?
They already have your palaces, your estates,
Our summer house, on the Adriatic,
There is a leg there,
When the rising sun touches it,
It is like the blush,
In the spring, our country was proclaimed, the People's Republic,
They want,,, what's the expression?
A big finish,
Hence the bodyguard,
And how are you finding him?
As he felt to prevent an attempt on our lives,
I would say he has not covered himself in glory,
Don't the Communists also have your other sister?
We do not speak of her,
Sameer, yes, the youngest,
She renounced her type,
We do not speak of her,
Red scum,
She betrayed her Beth, right?
Her country,
Her family,
Thank you,
Of course, if this does turn out with the case, then your
switching of the drinks will not be without consequence,
We are used to being pilloried,
We will take whatever comes to us,
Right,
Now then, in your statement, you said something about
this murder being written about in the Canunu scutari,
What does that mean?
It means that the killing like this follows certain customary principles,
It means the first thing you must do is arrest a cocktail waiter,
It smells guzzily,
Guzzily,
Why?
He's from the mountains,
These people know the rules of revenge,
They are obsessed with them,
You must arrest him,
And you must bring in any others on the staff,
Of a mountain man?
Yes,
Well, thank you so much,
This has been most helpful,
So you will do as we say,
No, I will not,
Why?
Because Princess, I am not your subject,
And in this country a man is innocent until proven guilty,
Whatever altitude he was born out of,
Sometimes in respect to who you make me proud to be from the gutter,
And where you thought of myself as a Republican?
Well, it's the war that changed us all,
I never really thought of myself as a Jew,
Never come here during the Blitz,
I had to let you in if there was a raid on,
Even without a tie,
It used to come down to the lower bar,
It's known as the fruit cellar,
That was quite the mixed grill,
You did nothing,
You're supposed to be my boyfriend,
And you did nothing,
What do you expect me to do?
Nothing,
Is he the one from this morning?
Yeah,
Came out me in a silk dressing game with everything pointed north,
His name is Captain Victor Orr,
Not anymore,
They already gave me a warning,
What?
Yeah, I've heard any shit and not lecherous customers,
Isn't the well-singing way,
I'll speak to Mr, Kind,
It was Mr, Kind who gave me the warning,
One more black mark on about my arse,
Hey, this place,
You know,,,
I was doing okay here,
At least I thought I was,
What's the holding point?
Here they are,
I'm sorry,
You know, my dad was right about you, his male,
And I should have listened to him,
Leave me alone,
Careful, officer,
My friend, Boris, is Jaz Mags from the Make 3D,
You can't shock me, sir,
I've been to the windmill theatre and seen
those gents with the newspapers on their laps,
And brought a few into the station,
You and Jaz and me this one, sir?
No, no, they're a lot,
Put me right off,
Oh, you hate your royal family, dear?
They're not my royal family,
They've been nobody's royal family since 1940,
Ever since they left us with that champ,
You might as well go, what was his name?
What's Selene, mate?
I knew you'd known me,
Right, oh, sir,
Combskate and this is evidence,
You enjoyed this, don't you?
It's just work, sir,
Keep your temper,
I suppose I usually take all that aggression out on the ice cubes,
Book for Mr, Book?
No,
It's the canoe of Scotari,
It's Albania,
Mrs, Book's out of the picture,
You can't be certain of that, sir,
I've read a statement and I'm satisfied it's nothing to do with her,
But, sir,,,
I'm satisfied, Maurice,
Cleo,
So,,, You think it was one of us?
I don't think anything yet,
Senior Barbarini?
Okay, well, I've noted down to two,
A royal member of the house of Scotari,
Not for you, or for you,
No, to who?
Method?
Poison,
Something slipped into the cocktail glass after he tried it on with the Elirato,
That's the chamber, mate, yes,
So, where was she when Captain Orr coughed his last?
I've gone already,
Motive?
You think of any reason why anyone would want to kill Captain Victor Orr?
Are you kidding?
That Captain was always here with different women,
Usually in the same room,
Five or four,
Really?
Mm-hmm,
City view,
Knows this bedsprings,
Duchess's raid for favorite patrons,
And that Captain has been coming here for years,
Usually once a week,
Without a squake,
You're very well informed,
No secrets that there was in them, sir,
We see all the dirty learn,
Because we have to clean it,
Some might say, Mr, Gazuli, that it's the duty of a grand hotel to make sure that
the private life of the guest remains private,
And some might say, Inspector,
In a grand hotel, people are usually at it like cod in a bucket,
So it's a crime of passion, then?
No,
I reckon that Captain was something of intelligence during the war,
How do you know that?
We were tight,
Friendly, but so you're nothing,
With a drink, they'll always have one the other person's having,
So, why were the princesses want to kill a British spy?
Because British intelligence handed over Scutari to the Communist partisans,
And the Captain recognized the princesses,
Who are they?
Should I know them?
Balkans,
Same to you,
Ooh,
They're here and they're over here,
Princesses are the royal house of Scutari, proposed by the
Communists and now drifting around the world like Flotsam,
And glamorous Flotsam?
It wasn't a scandal,
They did a flit and a bullion from the National
Bank somehow found its way into their hat boxes,
Something of the sword,
And?
They're drifting our way, or your way, be precise,
And I see it in the market for a set of dictionaries, aren't they?
They're staying at the waltzing, just on the road from you,
And there have been letters, threats, vicious ones,
You should speak to the post office then,
We'd be ever so grateful if you just,,,
kept an eye on them,
I told you,
You know, just a book salad,
And I told you,
I reminded you that we helped find young Jack,
It wasn't easy,
Oh, it's you,
It's me,
It's time for, you know,,, Oh, don't mention it,
So does that happen at all, and does it?
It comes with a job, doesn't it?
Can I do you now, sir?
I wouldn't have killed him for it though,
Somebody did?
Yeah,
So, which side are you on?
Sorry,
Which side are you on?
Whoa, what are the options?
Well, there's the management in this hotel who treat their staff like a monk and give
a girl a mouthful, just for standing up for a self,
Right,
And there's the workers,
Okay, well, the workers in,
Nice to hear your expression of solidarity, brother,
But it's,,,
D, it's not where it's the count,
Don't you think?
Right,
So why don't you go down there to that taxi stand?
Get me a nice cup of barvril,
I can't,
Maybe later, I just gotta get back,
To their royal bloody hindices?
Very so,
How does it feel working for those parasites?
Is that what they are?
Well, what would you call them?
Side,
I suppose,
Yeah, a bit side,
Well, speaking for myself, I'd line them up,
Shoot the bookers,
I could say a proper hello to you now, Edmond Kind,
Good evening,
More than kind, I used to say,
Well, that's too kind,
They closed it, you know, the lower bar,
The fruit cellar,
No,
What a shame,
Yes, for re-decoration,
But when the work will actually start, I don't know,
Seems they prefer it in moss balls, the management,
You mean it's all still there, the mural and everything?
I don't know,
Well, you could take a look, if you'd like,
Oh, I should really be getting back upstairs,
Of course,
I suppose a little peep wouldn't hurt,
Well, the question is, well, the lights work,
Do you remember that being, any?
We never turned the room,
Black-eyed, I suppose,
I don't know, it was just terribly unflattering,
Yes, you're right,
It has ten of them,
That's a soup song,
These walls could talk,
Kim Strang is dead, did you hear?
Kim Strang,
He used to keep his max factor in a gas mask box,
Well, he'd been in Egypt, and he had to keep that turn up,
What happened to him?
He walked into the sea at shore,
I'm sorry to say,
Somebody had his lattice,
Dreadful, really,
Dreadful,
When you're very married, I see,
Very, very married,
Thank you,
And thanks for your help with the other matter,
Not at all,
What does Jack know?
That my wife and I have an arrangement that I knew his late father,
Nothing more,
He found that difficult enough to take,
Ran out on us that very night,
Mm, floated here,
Where he's gainfully employed, thanks to you,
And able to keep an eye on the other bodies, floating around the regal scutari ones,
Why do you need to keep an eye on those?
It's possible they were the intended victims,
Not the captain,
It's a working hypothesis,
Are you with the police now, Gabriel?
You always were a dark horse,
It makes up a substantial part of my child,
Christ, isn't that dangerous?
I mean, one false step,
I'm all too well aware of that, Edmund,
Although I do have a special letter from Churchill,
Still, he probably shouldn't be found in a dimly lit basement bar with,,,
With a terribly handsome old friend,
No, perhaps not,
Double in the grid,
And the whole cinema isn't connected to the grid,
It has its own oil power generators,
They're being it in by the barrel,
Everything depends on it, even the plumbing,
And what's the grand hotel without power and heart-running water?
Well, I suppose it's just a big building full
of people who are rather cold and rather hungry,
And very, very rich,
I should get back,
Me too,
No big surprises on the poison front, Inspector,
The deadly glass contained boring old Irish Clorica said,
Oh, can't all be that choice,
That choice, see,
The thumbprint, enough for an arrest,
Enough for a hanging, maybe,
Okay, thank you,
Bye,
Where's Edie Rental?
Oh, um, I'll check,
Very good, sir,
Could the Blessed Sergeant get everything required from you, dear?
Well, I took him through it in exhausting detail,
Why did you get to?
I mean, talking to the staff,
Oh, yes, very nice of you,
Once you served your cocktails tonight,
Well, it was really only the younger one,
Guzzili,
If you say so,
Apparently, he poured a whole round down the sink, ice, some fruit and all,
Could he have tampered with the second round?
Yes, nobody was looking because of the Bruja,
Bruja?
Yes, one of the princesses dropped a reticule
that was loose change all over the floor,
Yes, I've heard about that,
And after the Bruja?
Well, I dragged it back to the bar,
He made a toast,
And then there was the Ferrari,
A Bruja, and then a Ferrari,
It was very confusing,
Oh, and there was a woman,
A woman?
I just remember,
She handed me a cloth,
Like Saint Veronica on the road to Calvary,
To mop up Victor Ors trousers,
There was something about the look she gave me,
Perfect,
People were recoiling in pure horror,
It was burning his neck out, but you could hear me,
A crackle,
I'm sorry you had a beastly time,
I just wanted to get stinker and wake up
somewhere with clean sheets and three egg onlets,
I wanted,,, something,
So I wanted it,
I do love you, Mrs, Book,
Did her,
Book,
Yes,
We never really talk,
Talk,
But the arrangement,
What's the talk about?
Well, to see that all's well, that we're both okay,
All is well,
Look, he left a light on for me,
I could have been making love in this,
And in the dark,
Has anyone told Victor Ors wife?
It's not like she was expecting him to come home,
No, she is,
I didn't really know who he was,
Still,
I suppose he did get us a night here,
Isn't it marvellous?
No clouds tonight,
Nowhere for the stars to hide,
We never really had a proper honeymoon, did we?
Bit of a diary clash,
The Luftwaffe had their heart settle in Eastbourne too,
Beats was very pappily anyway,
You covered in barbed wire,
Doesn't worry, though,
Disappoint you,
What?
The absence of landmarks,
Declarations,
Grand gestures,
Oh, no, Book,
In fact, I'm going to make one now,
Who is?
Let's order a bloody, huge bottle of champagne,
We don't see better,
I've got our papers,
Stamped and signed,
Tickets too,
Can't you do anything this quickly, my love?
We may have five minutes till at least platform six,
We can be in Paris for breakfast,
There are no Nazis in Paris, but there are quersons, so it's all going to be fine,
I can't come with you, Book,
For the same reason that you must leave,
Oh,
And I must return this to you, ma'am,
My dear fellow,
I love a good book,
A beautiful book,
And how easy it is to,,,
to picture myself on some winter evening in
the country, lying with this particular book,
It mules me so much, but
I'm afraid I cannot keep it,
I know it's frailties,
And some books get burned, you know,
And I should not like to be responsible for the loss of this one,
Because it is so dear to me, that I know it by heart,
Henceforth, wherever thou my strong, my blessing, like a line of light,
is on the waters of day and night,
And like a beacon guard thee home,
This is the let's stop,
Mr, Kind, I'm doing the rounds, explaining about the situation,
Be so good as to move around a little less silently to rouse a suspicion,
Forgive me, your Royal Highness, it's my training, you see,
It's mine too,
An engineer is investigating,
I do apologise for any inconvenience,
We are accustomed to hardship,
What are you carrying, show me?
This is the canoe, the canoe of Scutari,
Why do you have this?
I'm taking it to Mr, Book, in the next room,
He's helping the police,
This is most interesting,
Continue,
Well, he's a sort of expert witness, and he's staying here with his wife,
Who I believe,
I meant, continue in your way,
Good night,
Oh, I thought you were a bottle of how to spare it, ain't it?
A book for Mr, Book,
What is it there?
It's that book you wanted,
Oh, very good,
The lights were on the blink up here,
An engineer is investigating,
I do apologise for any inconvenience,
Is there anything more I can do for you?
Or tracking down or champagne would be nice,
Of course,
Extraordinary, man,
Smells nice, though,
Gardenia,
Capital,
Just what we need,
They're taking their time with that champagne, aren't they?
I think they're having trouble below,
They're the generators,
You don't need champagne, do you, Book?
Just anything with footnotes,
Then the bibliography,
Maybe an erotic slip,
You still love this place, you know?
In the war, the rooms were cheap, 35 Schlingen at night,
Well, the ones near us, the V-2s, anyway,
Always plenty of life down in the bar,
Bit too much, sometimes,
And now the waltzing them is listing,
Like an old ship,
Well, I'd like to smash a bottle against it,
Let me tell
the story of an old lady fare,
Standing sentinel across the years in the city's Bonnie Square,
Let me tell the story of a journey down to hell,
With a deer, dilapidated, waltzing a hotel,
Some came to stay, to rest, to play,
Some came to labor every day,
Some came to sound the passing bell,
The deer old, waltzing a hotel,
But who killed Captain Victor Orr?
Princess, waiter, maid, or morn?
Who came to sound the final bell?
For the deer old, waltzing a hotel?
Well, I am,
That's that,
What was that?
Eat it!
I've needed it,