[AUDIO LOGO]
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[SOFT MUSIC]
Don't worry, buddy,
I got you,
[SNEEZES]
[SOFT MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it's
Tinseltown Tonight with Eric and Angie,
And we have exciting news on the reboot front,
Out of ideas, Tinseltown is attempting to reboot another
'90s sitcom,
Yep,
Angie, Randy Roberts is behind the reboot of a Baker's Dozen,
Baker's Dozen was the tale of a baker
who inherits his sister's 13 foster children after she died,
He knows he can't keep them all on a baker's salary,
Mm, that's right, Eric,
But he falls in love with all of them in the pilot
and the rest is history,
But the magic didn't last forever,
Mm, yes, sadly,
The so-called baker's curse plagued the cast
after the series ended,
ERIC: Let's reboot the tragedy,
ANGIE: [LAUGHS] Recap,
The characters Danny, Doris, and Dillard
have been in rehab for years with addictions
ranging from cocaine to huffing shoe polish,
Also, Delilah, Derek, Drew, and Diana committed suicide all
before their 33rd birthday,
And sadly, Doris, Darnell, and Deborah,
and Darren are all serving life sentences, respectively,
stabbing, maiming, setting fire to, and pistol-whipping
their spouses,
The only survivors are the biggest stars
of the show, Randy Roberts, who played Donny and Vegas
Winters, who played Dusty,
We know Randy went on to several TV series,
but the whereabouts of his co-star Vegas are unknown,
Where is he?
[LAUGHS]
You think I'm stupid, Dusty?
Shh,
What?
Oh, you're hurting me,
I had the Baker's Dozen muffin tin,
I had the Baker's Dozen pie tin,
It'll be a fun recap,
[LAUGHS] Reboot, reboot, reboot,
[LAUGHS]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Get in here,
Be quiet,
Aw,
Be quiet,
Sit down,
God, take-- take get easy,
All right,
OK,
You didn't hear anything,
All right?
And how many times have I told you
not to drink beer in the laundromat?
You did mention it before,
So what about this?
I-- I'll finish this one,
And then I won't do it again,
Is that cool?
OK,
[SNEEZES]
Hey, what is with this name, Vegas Winner?
What is that?
I thought you-- are you Paul?
Paul,
Yes, it is Paul,
You changed it to Vegas Winner?
OK,
My dad was a huge Elvis Presley fan,
What about Elvis Winners?
He thought that was a little over the top,
No, it makes sense because no, no, Vegas was a lot more subtle,
[LAUGHTER]
It's fine,
I'm changing it to something normal,
What are you talking about?
Aren't you going to do that show?
No,
No, I'm not interested,
Wait a minute,
Hold on,
Why not?
You could make a lot of money and you could get the hell out
of here,
Because everybody who said they loved me and supported
me left me alone as soon as that show ended,
On that cheery note,
Fuck,
Hey, how about speaking of an all right mama?
That woman who played the stepmom on the show, oh, my god,
Oh,
Please tell me you and her, mm, a little
like inappropriate hormonal Greg and Carol Brady,
Hey,
Sunshine day,
Come on,
I would never even go near her dress,
All right,
OK,
You're gross,
Get out of here,
That's all right, mama,
OK,
Hilarious,
That's all right with you,
Have a sunshine day,
OK, we'll do,
[LAUGHS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
[MELLOW MUSIC]
WOMAN: Where the hell are you?
Hey, babe,
Baby?
I'm not your baby,
We broke up four years ago,
What's the matter?
I'll tell you what's the matter,
It's done,
It's over,
I've told you that stop sending me flowers,
It's our anniversary,
It's over!
No more anniversaries,
I told you, stop,
Move on,
Do something,
Do anything but hang out this fucking dumb
with these fucking losers!
Hey,
Sorry,
No!
I'm sorry,
I'm the stupid ass woman who believed all your stories,
What-- what was the one about the laundromat?
You were going to spawn a chain and have a waffle bar,
I can't remember the name,
What was it?
Washffle,
Yes,
It-- it was something you were going to do like five years ago,
What happened to that?
You know I've had issues,
I know, Paul,
I know you've been depressed,
But how fucking long does it have to last?
You told me you were going to go on medication,
It doesn't happen,
You were going to go to therapy,
It doesn't happen,
You were going to buy a book,
It doesn't happen,
People get sick,
They're depressed,
But they do something about it,
I will,
When Paul?
I waited for you,
I waited forever, you did nothing,
You don't see that in me,
When I chase my dreams, I grab those
and I devour those motherfuckers,
You're a kindergarten teacher who wants
to be a college professor,
And I'm on my way,
First, elementary school teacher,
Then, high school teacher,
And boom, college professor,
I don't think it works that way,
Wow, Paul,
What a shock,
You just shit all over my dreams while doing nothing
about your own,
I'm done,
I'm completely done,
(WHISPERING) Oh, I do feel like this is something I did,
Because I know what I want,
I deserve love and success and adventure and passionate--
Passionate living,
Fuck you,
I don't know why I said that,
I know why you said that,
Because you're a lost, scared asshole
who doesn't have a fucking clue what he wants or how to get it,
Do nothing,
Get nothing,
It's that fucking simple,
[HORNS]
Excuse me,
I know this is a really shitty time,
but your change machine is broken,
[CLANKS]
Oh, shit,
I'm Nila, by the way,
I'm Paul,
Yeah, I heard,
I bet she has a lovely singing voice,
[WHIRRING]
[COINS CLANKING]
There you go,
Ah, excuse me,
You owe me $0,24,
For what?
Penny for your thoughts,
I never understood that saying,
All my brain's thoughts are only with a penny?
You're right,
It is an old ass saying,
So I'd say adjusting for inflation, you owe me $0,18,
[CHUCKLES]
No sale,
[COINS CLANKING]
Yeah,
Why don't you guys just do one big load
so you don't have to keep coming in here all week?
We don't have anywhere to go,
Don't say that,
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Motherfucker,
[YELLING]
Anybody home?
[YELLING]
Oh, my god,
Push it, baby,
[LAUGHS]
[YELLING]
What is that?
Hey, hoo, hoo, hoo,
Shh, shh,
This place is a business,
Fuck,
The brownies are kicking in, and this asshole
is killing the vibe,
Let's go,
No!
No, no, no, no, no,
Hey, get the fuck out, grandpa,
[GIGGLING]
You don't understand,
That machine is malfunctioning,
And I have to alert my partner to the problem,
Oh, damn,
He's like the fucking drunk on that '45 old-ass show,
Ah,
What's his name?
No luck,
Otis,
He was Otis, the town drunk,
So, Otis, are you drunk?
[OOHING]
Because I distinctly remember hearing
that you're not welcome--
Wait a minute,
Hey, hey,
--at this particular time,
Got it?
You know what?
Can I-- you know what you got?
You know what?
You-- you guys don't even understand how rude you--
rude you--
[VOMITS]
[SHOUTS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[JOYFUL MUSIC]
Hey, baby,
Are you ready for your Valentine's Day present?
No, no,
Ugh,
Otis was right,
The machine is 187'd,
Oh, he said his partner's in back,
That's right,
[JOYFUL MUSIC]
Ooh,
[MOANS]
[JOYFUL MUSIC]
Baby, hmm,
[MOANS]
What the?
[SCREAMS]
What are you doing?
Oh, what am I doing?
What are you doing, bitch?
No, no,
Don't,
Don't you dare,
Oh hell, yes, I dare,
This bitch is going live at 5:00, my man,
You're going to be famous, and I'll get a million likes
on this, motherfucker,
No, no, no,
I beg you,
Don't post it,
Or what?
[SCREAMS]
Easy, Peewee,
Calm your ass down,
We're going to be rich, baby,
Wait!
Anything,
Anything I'll give you money,
I'll give you anything that you want,
Anything,
You know what I want is to unsee
your disgusting ancient hand on your wrinkly, gray, bald junk,
[LAUGHTER]
You see, we wanted to come in here after getting baked
and watch your big machines spin around,
You gave us something way better,
Instant pleasure,
[LAUGHS]
Get it?
Instant pleasure,
No, wait,
You get pleasure from watching him jerk off?
No, you dumb bitch,
I meant he was pleasuring himself,
And that gave me pleasure because I felt--
forget it,
I'm begging, please,
Oh, beg all you want, boner boy,
No,
Get off me,
No,
[SHOUTING]
Now, see, that wasn't--
[BANG]
[MOCKING VOICES]
Oh, my god,
[YELLING]
[SAD MUSIC]
No, please,
[TINKLING CHIMES]
[SOBBING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[THUNDER ROAR]
Vegas Winters was finally located by a lucky phone film
maker,
We don't know what this means for Randy Roberts supposed
reboot of Baker's Dozen,
And when we tracked him down, he would not comment,
Well, Vegas is still a lucky man,
How so?
He didn't get charged with animal abuse,
What animal abuse?
Well, he choked the chicken, spanked the monkey,
flogged the dolphins, smack the salamander,
and pump the one-eyed snake until he puked,
Oh, my gosh,
You are such a jerk off,
[LAUGHS]
[CROWD CHATTER]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS]
Fuck them,
Fuck all of them,
All of them,
Do you hear me?
Fuck them,
OK,
I got to go to my AA meeting as soon as I bury these,
Russ,
Hmm,
I know, I know,
Don't drink in here,
All right,
Just remember what I said, fuck them,
Fuck them all,
OK,
Good,
You're doing great,
By the way,
I put a present for you on your desk,
[SOFT MUSIC]
[SIGHS]
Excuse me, Paul,
Oh, hey,
Um--
Oh, Nila,
Nila,
Nila, this is for employees only,
Oh, I know,
I'll go,
One for the road,
Sure,
To the greatest generation, Gen Z,
[CHUCKLES]
Amen,
Oh, wow,
That's-- that's good,
Thanks,
Mm-hmm,
I just feel bad for you,
It's so fucked up what they did,
I mean, everybody does it, you know,
You just seem like a really nice guy who
just finds his own business,
I guess it's harder knowing that you're
going through a rough time and they kicked you
when you were down,
It makes me sad,
OK,
Ah, I'm a dork,
Wow, you're going through something real
and I'm just being a douche bag,
Plus, I'm late for work,
Those things won't serve themselves,
OK,
No, Nil-- Nila,
I mean, I-- I appreciate it,
The kindness,
Here is my number,
If you need someone to talk to who isn't a weepy
loser or screams at you,
I promise I will oblige,
Deal?
Deal,
Hey, take care of yourself,
The best you can,
Because there are a few nice people who give a shit,
[CHUCKLES]
Have a good night,
You too,
[CROWD CHATTER]
What's up, bitches?
Let him alone,
You've done enough,
No, bitch,
I haven't done enough,
At least that's what Tinseltown is saying,
You see, they want me to come out there and take what they
call "meetings,"
Meetings, bitches!
[CREAKING]
God, you're an asshole,
Well, then you're a toilet paper,
And you should wipe me because I'm covered in diarrhea, bitch,
Ha, ha,
Yo, Vegas,
You here?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
I want to grab a selfie with you,
I want to post a picture with my new bestie,
[LAUGHS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Oh,
Oh, come on,
Time to face reality, bitch,
Take a selfie with me,
Dude, it'll make you seem so much cooler,
OK,
Now, you're just being an asshole,
OK,
I came here holding out an olive oil and you fucking reject me?
No,
No, no, no, no,
Look, look, we got a sick pig by the machines, OK?
I already have the title too, bitch,
"Les Helps Vegas Clean Up His Act,"
Get it?
In front of the cleaning machines,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
The fuck, no,
[SCREAMS]
[BEEP]
[SCREAMING]
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC]
[ALARM]
[SOFT MUSIC]
What's that doing here?
Well, I was drunk,
[SOFT MUSIC]
Whitney White, Junior College Gazette,
If I may, Slay Diamond of the Southern Post,
Edgar Bogger,
Was masturbation involved?
Do you work here?
RUSS: All right, everybody, out,
Just get out of here,
Get out of here,
Oh, yeah,
Yeah,
All right,
Your father must be very proud of you,
OK,
I know exactly which one of you threw that,
I think you got to just lay low,
And then the whole thing will blow over,
OK?
Lay low,
OK,
Blow over,
Hold on,
Hey, everybody,
We're the same two people you were staring
at for the last five minutes,
Why don't you put your noses back in your skidmark underwear
and out of our goddamn business?
Thank you,
But I told you, you cannot yell at the customers and drink
a beer in the laundromat,
Got it,
Don't yell,
Don't drink the beer,
[CROWD CHATTER]
Ah, you need to tap that,
OK, that's-- shut up, OK?
No, no,
That'd be good for you,
VEGAS: OK,
And then you tell me about it--
OK,
All right, all right,
Just-- just leave me alone, OK?
That's all right, Mama,
OK,
That's all right with you,
OK, OK,
That's all right, mama,
Going to do the things you do,
Hello, Nylon,
[CHUCKLES]
Nila,
Nilon, Lon,
Hey, do me a favor,
Put a smile on sourpuss's face, OK?
I'll try,
That's all a man could ask for,
There-- there it is,
OK,
OK, Paul,
I'm just going to get right to it,
OK,
It takes balls to give someone your number
and the whole three day rule is just crap,
So give me one good reason why you didn't have the intrepidity
to at least--
Whoa, whoa,
Intrepidity is an impressive word,
Thanks,
I use my thesaurus,
Did you use your thesaurus for "takes balls" too?
Of course, not,
I want to show you I have book smarts and street smarts,
I'm not half bad package,
Not bad at all,
Just, you know, it's not a great time,
Question,
If you were drowning and someone threw your lifeline,
would you say it's not a great time?
Touché,
Touché?
Is that your impressive word?
Well, you'll have to see where it falls in my verbal arsenal
when we hang out on Thursday?
Good save,
But you kind of ruined my whole speech, you know,
Oh, I'm sorry,
Hopefully, Thursday makes up for the decimation of your speech,
Damn,
Touché and decimation, you win, Roche, you win,
[LAUGHS]
So Thursday, I'll be where?
I'm sorry,
It's got to be here,
All the paparazzi and everything,
OK,
Got it,
I'll see you then,
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
No, officer,
We haven't heard from him in two days,
Tell him that he's supposed to meet me in Tinseltown next week,
He never even texted me,
--hasn't texted her,
Hang up,
No,
I know who to call,
[CLINK]
ANDREA: Hey, Vegas,
Is that your name you fucking liar?
Vegas, Andrea's talking to you,
What else did you lie to me about, Vegas?
[LAUGHS]
Hey, hey, hey,
Take it easy on him,
He's had a hard time with it,
Get up!
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
He's had a hard time?
What about me?
I dated this fucking two-faced pervert,
And what did I tell you, huh?
I'll take care of it,
Oh, my god,
OK,
Sexy,
Sexy?
That's right,
I trade it up,
This is what success looks like, Paul or Vegas
or whatever your fucking name is,
Oh, hey, Andrea, again with the interruptions, huh?
Bloody hell,
I'm so sorry,
I know,
Now, Vegas,
I have got my hands in several pies,
And they've been very fruitful,
They've afforded me certain luxuries, huh,
[LAUGHS]
Fruit pies,
I get it, boss,
Fruit pies,
What are you, a fucking parrot?
What are you doing here?
Like I was saying before I got interrupted,
I've never had the pleasure of meeting a real TV star,
Never and here you are,
Well, you've seen me and I've seen you,
So we're good,
[CHUCKLES]
Vegas, Vegas, Vegas,
Always the funny guy,
Now I know I've seen you,
The thing is nobody else knows I've seen you,
And now that you are a viral celebrity pervert,
hmm, seeing you, my friend, is more valuable than ever,
So you want a picture?
No, fuck a picture,
ANDREA: Fuck a picture,
I'm going to need you to sign this,
My prized possession,
Hmm,
You don't do pictures,
I don't do autographs,
No?
You do tonight, my friend,
You do tonight,
Now fucking sign it,
ANDREA: Yeah, sign it,
[THUMP]
Now, write,
"To Tommy,
Love, your pal"-- hey--
"Vegas Winners,"
Now, you see,
Now, that wasn't so tough, was it?
Hey, did I dismissed you?
Now I got what I want,
And I always do,
But I'm not sure that my little lady friend
has gotten what she wants,
Yeah, what's that?
See you suffer like you made her suffer,
Suffer,
You know what, kitten?
When I get what I want, it makes me want to do bad things,
Yeah, bad things,
Very bad,
[GASPS]
Like peaches,
Oh, baby,
Are you ready?
Yeah,
You're getting excited?
Hey, don't go away,
Don't go away,
OK, no,
You, take this and hit record,
You got to be kidding,
I never kid,
You ready, baby?
Ready,
Huh, you want some of that?
Is that what you want, huh?
Give me some-- huh?
Yeah,
What are you going to do, put it in for me?
Scram,
Yeah, you wait,
[MOANS]
You ready?
Are you ready?
I'm ready,
TOMMY: Yeah, yeah,
You like it?
Can you see that, baby?
[SCREAMS]
Shit,
[HEAVY BREATHING]
Oh, baby,
Oh, my god,
Did you learn anything?
Yeah,
Who needs to have sex for more than 40 seconds?
Wrong answer,
[GUNSHOT]
[SCREAMS]
Why the fuck would you do that?
Because he deserved it,
No, you could have killed him,
And where the fuck did you get a gun from?
Shut the fuck up,
My God, he could have killed you,
I know,
I'm like a negativity magnet right now,
Now we're going to go to Tahiti or not, baby?
Yeah, baby,
We'll go to Tahiti, but we need to talk,
Are you a spy?
Are you with the IRS?
Don't you ever ask me about my business,
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]
[EERIE MUSIC]
Are you the Andrea Scarpelli that was romantically
linked to Vegas Winters?
I'm Maze,
Will you--
Are you pleasuring each other?
Quiet,
[SCREAMS]
What the hell?
Listen to me!
It was a sock monster!
Stars,
Wow,
It was a sock monster,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
ANGIE: The Baker's Dozen curse has widened and jinxed
an Italian side dish,
That's right, Angie,
Winner's ex-girlfriend, Andrea Scarpelli,
had just left Suds laundromat with boyfriend, Tommy Furlong,
where he was strangled in the car,
She proclaims her innocence,
However, no one else was at the scene,
Ranting hysterically, she was taken
to a nearby mental facility,
Help,
I swear,
It was a monster,
It was a sock monster,
Swear to God,
And he killed him!
I swear to God,
Please, believe me,
Sources tell me that Mr, Furlong had mob ties
and that Andrea is hiding out in the asylum due to fear
of retaliation from said mob,
Well, if that's true, we just told you where she is,
Oops,
It is so horrible to see a person fail epically,
especially when they're super cute,
Famine, war, disease,
They're all annoying,
But not quite as troubling as seeing a hottie lose it,
Amen, Eric,
Amen,
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Don't say anything about your fucking ex,
OK,
Deal?
Deal,
What are you going to do anyway?
Um, she said in her text that we're doing something special
for our date,
Special?
I wish I could be there to watch whatever that is,
But my AA meeting starts soon,
And if I don't get there early, the fatties eat all the donuts,
[DOOR OPENS]
OK,
Is that the "something special" for our date?
Sure is,
Clothes?
What, are we playing dress up?
No, we're doing my roommate's laundry,
We're in a fucking laundromat,
What else did you expect?
OK,
So how is that special for us?
Oh, because I get to do my roommate's laundry
and that special for me,
And you get to be a gentleman and pay for it,
See?
Little help,
And then I decided I wanted to go someplace quiet to have
a studio so I came here,
Here's good for that,
Yeah,
[CHUCKLES]
I like it,
And when I came in to do laundry that day,
I never thought I'd meet a complete loser who
owns the place,
I mean, it's every little girl's dream, right?
So I had to make a move, you know,
before the other lady snatched him up,
[LAUGHS]
And you did,
Congratulations,
Seriously, what are you doing with me?
I mean, I'm just a broken down has-been that could never give
you anything that you need,
You can't now, but you could in the future,
How do you know that?
Because this is just a phase,
It'll pass,
OK, look,
After we talked that day, I did Google you,
Like all smart women do if they're interested in a guy,
And I saw that kid on Baker's Dozen,
And he was having a great time,
Even though he was a shitty actor,
Hey,
Just teasing,
Sort of,
But really, really, I saw a spark,
Something in his eyes that told me he hadn't disappeared,
He just lost his way,
What happened to that kid?
Well, ever since I was a kid, I
had people making decisions for me,
My parents, my agents, every-- everybody,
And then when I came here, Russ made all the decisions for me,
And when his wife died and he started drinking,
I was hoping Andrea would pick up the slack
and make decisions for me,
But she didn't,
And it was some scary shit,
So I just kept waiting and hoping for a savior or a hero
to pull me out of this,
And it-- it didn't come,
So I got scared and stuck and bummed out,
And-- I'm sorry, you wouldn't understand,
Hmm,
Yes, I would,
[ROMANTIC MUSIC]
Just like anyone else,
And sooner or later, we figured it out just like you will,
And then you'll start making decisions,
And then you'll be the hero of your own story
who saves yourself and then everyone else,
Russ keeps saying that,
Saying that this will not last forever,
but it doesn't feel that way,
It just feels like I'm stuck here forever,
When this place was closed down--
[SIGHS]
--I used to grab a slice and throw on some cheesy music,
And just be free and dance all around the place,
[SIGHS]
You will again,
I promise,
I hope so,
Well, you-- you did make one decision,
What's that?
You decided to have this date,
[CHUCKLES]
Come on,
That was easy,
It was,
Why?
OK,
Miss Fishing for Compliments,
Oh, never,
I would never,
You're smart,
You're pretty,
You're confident,
You seem to have this thing we call life figured out,
You have a very kissable forehead,
Well, it is a large target,
[CHUCKLES]
[KISS]
Is that the best I get after I let you treat me
to an extra rinse cycle?
[KISSING]
This cycle has 27 more minutes left,
Do you want to go to your cot and fool around?
OK,
I just-- I just don't go that far on the first date,
Oh, don't worry,
Neither do I,
[CHUCKLES]
[THUMP]
What's that doing there?
Come on,
It's OK,
[EERIE MUSIC]
[BUZZ]
Beat it,
No one's allowed to be alone with the patient,
[SOBBING]
[COINS CLANKING]
You got seven minutes,
[SOBBING]
[THUMP]
Tell me everything you know about homicidal socks,
[CHOKING]
Thank you, Ms, Scarpelli,
You're a hero,
[BUZZ]
Thanks for going pre-wash with me and not the full permanent
press,
I just-- I just haven't been with any intimately since
Andrea, and I just--
Stop,
You're fine,
You give good laundry,
[LAUGHS]
Thanks,
That's what I do best,
[KISSING]
For now,
Just for now,
[LAUGHS]
[CAMERA SHUTTERS]
[WHIRRING]
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
Oh,
Oh, someone's happy to see me,
Yeah, I am,
This is nice,
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
Jesus, don't you do anything else?
Who are you?
Pull up your goddamn pants,
What are you doing?
Making sure it's not in here,
What's not in here?
The socks that killed Tommy Furlong,
You don't believe that, do you?
I most certainly do,
Major Bynes, paranormal investigator,
Everyone listens to paranormal investigators now?
Not yet,
But they will when I prove strange shit's out there,
Hey, hey, take it easy,
You got to get out of here,
Not until I find your sock monster,
There is no sock monster,
Wrong,
That last kid, the one that took the video,
my sources say he never showed up to his meetings
in Tinseltown,
Real meetings,
His last cell phone records came from here,
So what?
So your monster killed him,
That's what,
Ms, Scarpelli saw it firsthand,
She made it up,
She's lying,
Oh, yeah?
Explain this,
It's a sock,
Wrong,
Not just any old sock, but an actual piece
of the sock monster,
Andrea went to great lengths to make sure the right people got
hold of it,
You're insane,
Get out of here,
[THUD]
Not a chance,
You have a murderous paranormal entity in here,
And when I find it, you and it are going to get the chair,
And I will finally get the respect I deserve,
Where is the sock monster?
I need to see the sock monster!
[SCREAMS]
I knew it,
I was right,
Tell everyone,
I need the world to--
[SCREAMS]
--to know that I was right,
There are others, Vegas,
Just like me, others,
Checkmate!
I win!
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLS]
No!
Don't kill me,
[GROWLS]
It was you,
[GROWLS]
[SLOSHING, WHIRRING]
We've got an exclusive that even TMZ doesn't have,
Directly from Randy Roberts manager, Lindsey Haim,
Randy Roberts wants to let America
know that despite recent setbacks,
he's taking steps to bring back that special feeling America got
when it watched Baker's Dozen,
It's going to happen regardless of rumors to the contrary,
OMG, that is so exciting,
I wonder what he has up his sleeve,
Or should I say, pants leg when talking about this cast,
You are the worst,
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, goodness
[GROWLS]
I got to go upfront,
I'll be back,
What should I call you?
You're just an old crusty pile of socks,
[GROWLS]
Crusty?
[GROWLS]
Crust,
[GROWLS]
I'll call you Crust,
[GROWLS]
OK,
I'll be back, Crust,
Hey, what's up with you?
Wait a minute,
You didn't fuck it up, did you?
No, we had a great day,
OK,
Thank God,
I want all the details now,
Hey, babe,
Thought I'd stop in before work and see
how my favorite loser is doing,
[KISS]
Hey, Russ,
Hello, young lady,
Ah, not as young as I look,
Sorry,
But you are a lady,
Eh,
Oh, darn it,
Hello,
Yes, this is Vegas Winters and I am not taking interviews,
I-- what?
Oh, OK,
Can I have some time to think about it?
At least a day,
OK,
Ah, sure,
Tomorrow morning, 10:00 AM,
I'll be available for a call,
Thank you,
Well, that was Randy Roberts' manager,
And they said they want to fly out here in person
to talk to me about doing the reboot of Baker's Dozen,
Nice,
That's great,
I don't know,
Are you kidding?
It's no accident,
You're ready, Paul,
Ready to take your life to the next level,
I got to think about it,
No, she is right,
Now, here's what you should do,
Get on the phone,
No, it's not your decision,
It's my decision, OK?
How do they know what's good for me?
Only I do!
Finished that show again, though,
God, I felt so good back then,
It'd be nice to make some money,
What if I suck?
I haven't left this place in a long time,
I haven't done anything in a long time,
Fuck,
I don't know what to do,
God, it's hot in here,
[EERIE MUSIC]
This is my life,
If Nila figures me out, she's going to leave me here forever,
It's going to leave me here forever,
Stop it!
Get it off your intention,
Stop,
Breathe,
This is an opportunity for you to make a better
life for yourself and for Nila,
And yes, Randy was a dick back then but maybe he's nicer now
or he's not,
I'm so afraid,
I can't make another fucking mistake,
I can't make another mistake,
Not again,
Fuck, fuck,
I can't make another mistake,
Fuck!
Fuck,
[EERIE MUSIC]
I'm so afraid,
This too shall pass,
[GROWLS]
It's OK, buddy,
I'll be OK,
I promise,
I don't mean to scare you,
I'll get better,
I promise,
Oh,
Crust, you OK?
Oh, good,
"Hey, here are some cheesy pizza and a cheesy song,
Eat and rock out with your cock out,
Too soon?
LOL,
Enjoy and let go,
Love, Nila,"
OK,
Hangover pizza sounds real good,
[GROWLS]
What?
Ah, no,
No,
I don't want to dance right now,
OK,
We'll listen to it,
[BOBBY DAY, "ROCK-IN ROBIN] Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweedle-lee-dee-dee, tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee, tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweet, tweet
He rocks in the treetop all day long
Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singing his song
All the little birds on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin' robin
Tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin' Robin
Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee
I need a dance partner,
We really going to rock tonight
Tweet, tweet, tweet
Every little swallow, every chick-a-dee
Every little bird in the tall oak tree
The wise old owl, the big black crow
Flapping their wings singing go, bird, go
Rockin' robin
Tweet, tweet
Rock, rock, rockin' robin
Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee
Blow rockin' robin 'cause we're really going to rock tonight
Tweet
Blow
A pretty little raven at the bird-band stand
Told him how to do the bop, and it was grand
They started going steady, and bless my soul
He out-popped the buzzard and the oriole
He rocks in the treetop all day long
Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singing his song
All the little birds on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin' robin
Tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin' Robin
Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee
Blow rockin' robin 'cause we're really going to rock tonight
Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee
Well, all the pretty little raven at the bird-band stand
Told him how to do the bop, and it was grand
They started going steady, and bless my soul
He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriole
He rocks in the treetop all day long
Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singing his song
All the little birds on Jaybird Street
Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin' robin
Tweet, tweet, tweet
Rockin' robin
Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee
Blow rockin' robin 'cause we're really going to rock tonight
Tweet, tweedle-lee-dee
Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee, tweedle-lee-dee-dee-dee
Tweet, tweet
[WHISTLES]
[LAUGHS]
What the fuck?
[GROWLS]
Hi, Lindsey,
Vegas Winners,
Yep,
Come on out,
[WATER RUNNING]
Looking good,
Thank you,
Wow,
[LAUGHS]
Oh, shoot,
I forgot something,
OK, good,
Paul, I think we should talk,
No, no, no, I can't,
Randy's going to be here any minute,
[CLANKING]
Let's-- I'd--
I'd like to talk to you before you put yourself out there,
I don't,
What's that for, babe?
Oh, just some laundry I got to do a little bit later,
No big deal,
You know let me do this,
Let me just, you know, move it out of the way,
Hey, will you put it down, please?
It's fine,
[THUD]
Sorry, guys,
I'm just a little--
just a little nervous,
I haven't seen Randy in a long time,
And, you know, it's just really nice,
You know he's coming because he cares
for me, which is really nice,
I mean, sometimes he wasn't,
He was like big brother to me,
Most of the time,
Ask the question,
First off, I'm a huge fan,
Is this masturbation an issue in the Roberts household?
Randy, is this a reunion everyone's talking about?
You'll hear it from me first,
I promise,
Oh, shit,
There's my boy,
Bring it in here, baby,
[LAUGHS]
Who have we here?
Um, this is my good friend, Nila,
Hmm,
And this is my, uh--
Sure,
Great, great,
So, Nila, you a fan of our little show from way back when?
I might have seen a few episodes,
Yeah,
Well, I hope you're a fan of our new show,
Right, Vegas?
Yeah,
And that's why we're here,
Hey, Vegas,
Lindsey Haim,
We spoke on the phone,
You want to talk about it,
Pete Coleman, Renee Spears,
We're so excited,
We love Randy,
Can't wait,
Randy's the best,
Let's hurry,
We got that call back at the hotel in 30,
Yeah,
Come here,
Buddy, let's have a man to man,
Excellent idea,
Pete, why don't you go over there and give him some room,
Nila and, um, y'all can go over there and join,
Fuck this,
Is that Randy Roberts?
Ah, don't waste your time,
Are you famous?
Well, let me answer that question with a question,
Do you drink?
I do,
Let me tell you how famous I am,
Awesome,
Here, come down here with me, bro,
So it is so good to see you,
I mean, you look really good,
I look like shit,
Ah, beauty is in the eye, my friend,
OK,
What's going on?
What's with all these people?
Can we go to my office?
Stay with me, Vegas,
Stay with me,
Fuck, OK,
No need to swear, buddy, OK?
So let's get down to brass tacks,
Everybody knows that you've had some issues lately, right?
Sure,
And we go way back,
I mean, some might say we're best friends, right?
You used to call me termite because of my big gums
and teeth,
And you wouldn't let me hang out with your friends
unless I told jokes or dance,
That's bullshit,
[LAUGHS]
Sorry, bro,
Sorry,
I'm just upset because I hate to see you this way,
You're a star,
You're a huge talent that just needs a second chance
like everyone in life,
Everyone needs a second chance,
Don't you agree?
Sure, I guess,
Then just say it and it's yours
Say what?
That you need a second chance,
[SIGHS]
I guess I do,
No,
Say, "I need a second chance,"
I did,
No,
Say the words, "I need a"--
I need a second chance,
Fuck, yes,
Did we get it?
Did we get it clean?
We did it,
What the hell is going on here?
You were great, bro,
Great,
Phase one, complete,
Vegas, your friend here is a genius,
A modest ass genius, but a fucking genius nonetheless,
In order to garner interest again
for the reboot of Baker's Dozen, your boy here
came up with a reality show called Second Chances
that we pre-sold to networks if we got this footage, baby,
All you got to do is sign this contract and release,
So excited,
Way to go, Randy,
Pumped,
You're the man, Randy,
Roll on this, Pete,
Ready?
Ready,
That was great, buddy,
This is just the beginning,
A reality show?
You're a fucking asshole,
Don't crumple the contracts,
Keep rolling, Pete,
No, don't keep rolling, Pete,
Hey, hey, hey, babe,
Baby, it's OK,
Let's just--
No, let's just not do anything,
All of you, get out of here,
Get the fuck out of here,
Yeah, he's right, you guys,
Why don't you bounce and I'll see you at the hotel,
You sure?
Yeah, I got this,
We love you, Randy,
To Randy,
You fucking asshole,
I actually thought you cared about me,
I do, Vegas,
Oh, no,
It's not Vegas,
I'm changing it,
Oh, don't do that, bro,
Why, bro?
Because it's going to fuck with your little scheme,
Baby, please,
Look, pal,
This isn't the way I wanted it to be, OK?
But if you play along and let me call the shots for a few months,
then we can both get what we want,
No,
No one is calling my shots anymore,
I'm calling my own fucking shots,
Bro, please,
No,
You're an asshole,
Shut up,
Vegas, give me a break,
No,
You're an asshole,
Shut up,
You're being a dick,
Let's talk,
Calm down, babe,
No,
You're an asshole,
Shut up,
You know what?
Fuck you then,
You could have had something, but you're a fucking loser,
And you deserve exactly what you get,
Hey,
So do you, asshole,
Now!
[GROWLS]
[EERIE MUSIC]
We're safe,
I've got you,
We're safe,
I promise,
I promise we're safe,
No, no, no,
We are,
He's fine,
Do you trust me?
OK,
I got you,
I'm going to go check if he's dead, OK?
Vegas,
It's OK,
We're safe,
You heard me,
I tried to tell Randy to shut up,
I tried to get him to leave and he just wouldn't,
And I can't control Crust,
God, listen,
I don't know who he is or where he came from,
but he's like my guardian angel,
[GROWLS]
Now, remember, I didn't kill him,
Crust did,
Crust?
It's the best I could come up with for this little guy,
He likes you,
[GROWLS]
How do it's a boy?
Oh, don't call me sexist, but I
think he's a little too badass to be a girl,
You're sexist,
This little guy need a bath,
No,
Detergent's the worst thing for him,
It couldn't hurt him very, very badly,
I'm sorry, Crust,
What are we going to do about Randy?
Yes,
Pills, great,
OK,
Here's what we're going to do,
We're going to take him to the back,
We're going to pour the pills down his throat,
We're going to pour some whiskey down his throat too, OK?
You're going to say that we were partying,
You try to wake us both up,
You could only wake me up and he didn't wake up,
OK?
Oh, man,
I'm so sorry,
I knew this was fucked up,
And I know it's so weird,
I know this isn't what you want,
I hope--
It's fine,
I'll do it,
You will?
Yeah,
I love you, Paul,
You do?
Yeah,
I thought I'd fall for a loser, but it's way better than that,
I fell for a loser who has a bodyguard made of socks,
Hey, I love you too,
[KISS]
OK,
Grab his feet and we'll take him to the back,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
I can't get blood on this dress,
It's a thrift store dress,
It's my only one,
I'll give you a quarter for another one,
OK,
You'll pay for that later,
And the untimely death of Randy Roberts
is what everyone is talking about today,
That's right, Angie,
And unfortunately, not all of that talk
paints him in the best of light,
Two people on his personal team have come forward,
I kind of believe in karma,
And he wasn't very nice,
Hmm, or very smart,
I mean, who would take a great opportunity
and throw it all away for some piece of booze,
Randy was an asshole,
Period,
Vegas, sweetest guy I've ever met,
Exclamation point,
You heard it here first,
The reboot of Baker's Dozen lies squarely on the shoulders
of Vegas Winters because, well, he's the only surviving
member of the cast,
But is America ready to accept him
after we all saw him pull a prank on himself?
Or should I say yank on himself?
I just don't know, Angie,
Me neither,
Thoughts and prayers to Randy's family and blah, blah, blah,
In more exciting news, Russell Brand
has signed on to play Captain Hook in Ang Lee's Young Hook
Versus Zombies,
Yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll figure it out,
Uh-huh,
No, no,
Don't worry,
Someway, somehow, I'll figure it out,
Don't worry,
I'm good,
Thanks, Lindsey,
OK,
You can check that off the list,
No worries,
[SIGHS]
Hey, hey,
Everything's working out for you, huh?
Uh-huh,
Are you sure you're OK?
What does that mean?
Well, come on,
I saw you dancing with a basket of laundry,
I was thinking maybe, maybe, you take a little R&amp;R time
before you get reinvolve in this Tinseltown stuff,
OK,
You know what?
You totally misunderstood,
There were some really fun music,
Nila wasn't around,
And so I grabbed the closest thing to me,
I mean, hey, man, if you were around,
I would have grabbed you to dance,
[LAUGHTER]
That's bullshit,
No, it is,
It's bullshit,
Your ex say you have a sock monster,
Guess what?
I saw it,
No, I did,
I saw it,
I-- I saw it moving,
No, no, hold on,
No, wait a minute,
I can see you're concerned,
Don't be concerned,
I'm not going to tell anybody,
Nobody,
My lips are sealed,
Nobody knows,
I know how to keep a secret,
I'm not going to tell anybody,
Just me and my AA meeting,
You told your AA meeting?
Wait a minute,
I'm not gonna tell anybody,
What do you think they called this anonymous for?
No one's going to talk anyway,
Half of them think I'm crazy,
The other half are too fucked up to even understand
what I was saying,
It's going to be fine,
[LAUGHS]
You shouldn't have done that,
OK,
No, it's really, really, really going to be fine,
OK,
So tell me, what was the call about?
Well, Lindsey wants me to get on social media,
Twitter, Facebook, all that stuff,
get some kind of momentum building she said,
And then when I'm done that, she's
going to give me my next marching orders
and you know when we go,
I thought you said you were going
to take control of your life?
I am,
I just need some help with things I don't know about,
Like social media,
God,
Oh, hey,
Shh,
So cute when you get mad,
Listen, this is your lucky day,
How so?
Because my friend, you don't know this about me,
but I've been hacking since Fuckerberg was
sucking his mama's titty milk,
[LAUGHS]
And now you are on social media,
See?
So it's easy,
Now all you got to do is you start friending people,
OK,
Let's start with Nila,
It'll be under her artist name, Nila Phoenix,
OK,
Nila Phoenix,
So you go up there and you type that in there, Phoenix, and then
you guys are connected,
See?
Look at that,
Wow,
Yeah, you can see-- look at all--
That is so great to see all those pictures from her life,
Yeah,
She's had an exciting life,
Yeah,
You want to see something a little cooler?
You want to see the pictures she doesn't want you to see?
What do you mean?
Not just you,
Not "you," doesn't want you to see,
Just pictures doesn't want anybody to see,
Check this out,
See?
Hold on,
Let me find it,
This app here it's called Oh No You Didn't,
Now, look,
So Phoenix,
All right,
Let me just type this in here,
This finds a minute cloud,
Check it out,
Here it is,
Boom,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
OK,
I'm sure there's an explanation for this,
Yeah, there is,
She's a fucking fame whore,
No,
No, hold on,
Don't overreact because we don't really--
She's here,
Wait, Vegas,
Veg-- goddamn it,
Fuck you,
Whoa, I--
You fucking lying bitch,
OK,
Breathe, baby,
I don't know what you're talking about,
I'm talking about the fact that you didn't just
happen to find me here,
This was all part of your Insta fame plan all along,
No, that's not--
No, don't you try to deny it,
I saw it on your secret social media page,
I-- I found Vegas,
Mystery solved, bitches,
I'm going to blow up,
I know,
Oh, I knew it looks bad,
No,
It doesn't look bad,
It is bad,
You're bad,
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
No, just [STAMMERS],
OK,
I did-- I did come here to find you for the wrong reasons,
And I was going to--
I was going to--
I was going to do all those things that I--
that I wrote about, but then I couldn't go through with it,
I knew it wasn't right,
I went through a bad phase,
I mean, who was if I wasn't followed by a thousand people,
I just-- I just wanted--
I just wanted to know what it was like not
to be a nobody anymore,
Boo, fucking, hoo,
Fuck,
So I mean, I made a stupid goal,
I made a stupid goal to get attention by figuring out
your whereabouts,
Then I saw you that day,
I met you that day,
Not the TV star, but a person,
And I thought that you were sad and I wanted to help,
I wanted to help,
I wanted you to see that you could
get through it just like I did,
The more we hung out, the more I realized
I was falling in love with you,
I'm so sorry, Paul,
I love you,
I do,
Please don't leave me,
Please,
Please don't,
Please don't leave me, please,
OK,
Now--
Please,
Now that sounds very reasonable,
That sounds very reasonable,
Do you understand?
Shut up,
You two get the fuck out,
You're just a couple of hangers on,
You're losing your fucking mind,
I want to tell you something,
You know what you got to remember?
You got to remember who was there when times were tough,
That's what's important in life,
Who was there when you were down?
We were fucking there,
Please Paul, please,
[BANG]
That goes for you fuckers too,
I am not a shelter for fucking losers,
I told you,
Come on,
It's OK,
No, get you some fries,
It's OK,
It'll be fine,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
You're, uh--
Dead?
Bro, my twin brother is dead and your socky killed him,
And you both--
Do you ever hear that phrase, "Be careful,
I'm playing Frisbee with knives"?
Let's just say you weren't careful,
So you're an agent too?
Real estate agent,
Hard Homes, "Home is where the heart is,"
But I dabble in the paranormal and I always support my brother,
And I will avenge him,
I promise,
Look, we got off on the wrong foot,
Let's just go in my office and we can discuss it,
So your footwear can kill me too?
Not a chance, buddy,
I will get the both of you when the time is right,
And if you think I'm the only one who knows about this,
you're wrong,
There are others just like me,
Others,
[DOOR OPENS]
We have to get out of here,
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
I see you guys set up on social media,
That's good,
Now, I need you to set every request,
Got it,
I am so sick of this place,
I got to get out of here,
It's like a tomb,
I'm just ready to live again,
I love that,
I'm going to write it down,
It is going to be your People's magazine cover title,
I'm ready to live again,
[LAUGHS]
By the way, when you get here, don't fuck them,
Oh, my God,
I'm just kidding,
You can fuck them,
Now, back to work,
I'm going to have People Magazine print out
your cover story after you're done with your apology tour,
What's an apology tour?
Look, you do your male coopers, and we're good,
I've already got networks lined up that want to buy the show,
OK, great,
It's going to take some time, but we'll get in there,
Pete, pick that up,
Yeah,
Can you do that?
Now you're going to tell me how to do my job?
Ah, no,
Then shut up and listen,
You ready for the next step, my friend?
Yeah, I am,
And hey, I'm sorry about Randy,
That must be hard,
People leave managers all the time,
But he-- he's dead,
I thought you guys were friends,
Everyone knows he was a prick and dumb as shit,
Or at least that's what he needs to be now for our purposes,
You're the real deal, Vegas,
I like you a lot,
You were the heart of that show,
And everyone knows it,
Yeah,
Well, OK,
Look, I got to bounce,
But enjoy your new wheels,
Your new agents wanted you to know
how committed they are to you,
Love it,
Team Vegas,
So exciting,
Go, V, Win,
V is for Vegas,
And then win is for Win--
Winters,
Look, get out of here,
You cute as fuck, you tease,
Me and you, now,
Text from Nila,
[CHUCKLES]
"Can we please talk?
I'm leaving town in a couple of days and I would like to see you
just one more time, please,"
[SQUEAKS]
Don't give me that,
She broke my heart,
I can't trust her,
[THUD]
Hey,
We said no drinking in here,
Yes,
That's right,
That's-- that's a good rule,
I'll tell you what,
Let me finish this one and then we'll do it,
Hey, do me a favor,
Hand me the wrench,
I want to finish this in here,
Hey,
[THUMP]
No,
I said no drinking in here now,
What's the matter with you?
I have asked you repeatedly not to drink in here
and you just casually dismiss me,
And I'm not going to let you push me around anymore,
Push you around?
What are you talking about?
I-- I tried to be more than a partner to you,
I tried to be your friend,
Yes,
You've been a great friend when I'm depressed,
Excuse me?
You were able to be my friend when I was a loser like you
because that's the way you like me,
Lonely, sad, miserable,
But then, good things started to happen for me,
I got a career,
I got a girlfriend,
And then suddenly, you turned into an asshole,
How so?
You told your AA meeting about Crust,
You stormed out of the Randy Roberts meeting,
He was being a dick and you know that,
That's not the point,
You hated it because that was going to lead me to success,
OK,
It doesn't make any sense,
Oh, please let's not forget the most ultimate
fuck you of all,
Making sure that I saw Nila's secret social media
account so we would fucking get mad and break up,
That's so fucking stupid,
How would I have known what was in that?
You did know,
I didn't know,
You fucking knew it and you planned it,
I didn't know it,
The fact of the matter is you hated me becoming successful,
Why?
Because it made you look in the mirror
and see that you didn't fucking move an inch since Dana died,
You are lost,
I'm getting out of here and you are stuck here forever,
OK,
I'm going to--
I'm going to explain to you what's going to happen,
Oh, can't wait,
I'm going to finish this beer,
And then I'm going to fix this machine,
And then I'm going to go,
[THUMP]
That's it?
You got nothing else to say?
I don't talk to crazy,
I wait till it passes,
Crazy?
I'll show you what happens to people
who call me fucking crazy,
Jesus Christ,
Crust, did you hear all the yelling?
Did you hear it?
Russ is going crazy,
He's threatening me and he said he's going
to tell Agent Bynes about you,
[GROWLS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
RUSS: What's going on?
No, stop it,
Oh, God,
No,
Oh, my God,
No,
Vegas, help me,
Vegas,
[SCREAMS]
OK,
Crust, stop,
Stop,
I got you,
It's OK,
Here, put this on there,
Here you go,
[SCREAMS]
Now listen, Russ,
We're done,
Sell this place and I never want to see you again,
That thing could have killed me,
I know, but I stopped him,
Now go to a hospital,
Start a new life,
And find another loser to glom on to you,
You hear me?
Get out of here,
Now,
[SCREAMS]
OK,
I'll go,
Let me tell you something,
I believed in you,
And Paul, you got to surround yourself
with people who believe in you,
Wait,
You know what?
You're just a fucking asshole,
Fuck it,
Fuck you,
Fucking Vegas,
[THUD]
[SIGHS]
Just saw your friend Russ stumble out of here,
Everything OK?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
He's drunk again,
Really?
He seemed pretty upset,
He was holding a bag to his chest,
Was that blood I saw on there?
No,
No, it was just beer,
Yeah, right,
[CHUCKLES]
He is a drunk, you know,
[LAUGHS]
They spill a lot,
Ah, hey, hey,
I'm not feeling well,
We're closed,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Look, it's static electricity,
Interesting,
It happens all the time,
Maybe,
You're going to love Tinseltown,
It's so sunny and there's palm trees everywhere,
It's Nila again,
Should I listen?
[GROWLS]
OK,
NILA (ON VOICEMAIL): Hey, I just wanted
to say that you don't have to worry about me,
I'm leaving town,
And I won't tell anyone about your new friend,
Bye, Paul,
I'll miss you,
[GROWLS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
I know, buddy,
It's just--
[SIGHS]
[GROWLS]
Hey, Nila,
Can you come over?
[GROWLS]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
I missed you,
I missed you too,
I'm so sorry,
I was going to tell you about my past, I swear,
[SIGHS]
I wanted to tell you that I was lost just like you,
And I wanted to tell you that my obsession with-- with fame
was my escape,
Just like the laundromats' yours,
I want you to have the best life with or without me,
I want you if you'll have me,
I love you and I always will,
[LAUGHS]
Come here, you,
Take me,
Shut up,
[GROWLS]
Um,
Oh,
Hey, buddy,
Um,
We just need to hang out in here for a little while,
Can you please go hang on the dryer
for a second, please Crust?
[GROWLS]
Thanks, buddy,
I hope you're not on a short cycle,
[KISS]
I'll do my best,
[CHUCKLES]
[GROWLS]
God, I missed you,
Ah, me too,
But hey, that is in our past,
Let's talk about our future,
[LAUGHS]
OK,
In a couple of days, you, me, and Crust will head West
and we will get a two-bedroom apartment,
The other bedroom will be a studio for your painting,
And then--
Yeah?
--we're gonna get married,
And then we're going to start a family,
[SIGHS]
I love it,
[KISS]
But,
But what?
Does Crust really have to come?
What do you mean?
He's part of me,
That's not true, baby,
I think he was helpful to you during your depression,
I mean, he gave you a sense of power
when you felt the most powerless,
People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or forever,
You and me are forever,
Do you really think Crust should be?
I mean, what if in the future we have kids
and you get mad at them or they fight you
when they're teenagers?
You don't know what he's capable of,
I never thought of that,
What?
I love that he was there for you,
He got rid of all the assholes in your life, though,
I could have really used Crust some junior high
when all those country chicks used to beat the shit out of me,
But no one needs it forever,
You're right,
So how do we get rid of him?
I know exactly what to do,
I-- I don't want to talk about it,
I just want to hold you,
OK,
[SIGHS]
I love you,
I love you too,
[KISS]
I'm sorry,
Me too,
LINDSEY (ON VOICEMAIL): I'm glad you're getting in shape,
Now, you're all set with Tinseltown tonight for tomorrow,
B-T-dubs, I'll send you some new clothes,
I'm out,
I know, Crust,
I'm excited too,
[GROWLS]
Excuse me, buddy,
I think I look pretty good,
[GROWLS]
Yeah,
What do you think?
[GROWLS]
Thanks, Crust,
[LIGHT MUSIC]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
And mainly, I just want to make sure
that I didn't hurt the kids,
You know?
They're so innocent,
I mean, they watch our show to escape this harsh world,
And if I have tainted the memory of our show to just one of them,
I'll never forgive myself,
I'm just so sorry,
You are so sweet,
Yeah,
I couldn't agree more,
So enough of that,
When do we get to see you in person?
Very soon, actually,
Let's be all Tinseltownian, "do lunch,"
That'd be nice,
Hey, on me, buddy,
Well, thank you both very much,
Bye, sweetie,
Bye, buddy,
Salt of the Earth type of character, isn't he?
Such a nice guy,
I can't believe people are giving him such a hard time,
He's genuine,
He feels for the children,
God, People are giving him a hard time,
Trash,
[THUD]
[GROWLS]
Oh, hey, Crust,
[SAD MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
Vegas,
Crust,
Nila,
You're right,
We're a family,
We are,
[CLANK]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
I'm so sorry,
You deserve a good life,
Come here, you fucking asshole,
Nila,
No, come here now,
[GROWLS]
What are you doing?
What's the matter?
Nila, stop,
[GROWLS]
Now,
[GROWLS]
[TINKLING]
[GROWLS]
Shit,
It's-- it's-- it's not working,
What's happening, Paul?
Nothing's happening to Crust,
These are coconut flakes,
What?
No,
No, please help me, Paul,
Please,
It's not Paul,
It's Vegas,
[SCREAMS]
[GROWLS]
Crust the lights aren't working,
Why not work on the hands?
The one that would have worn my wedding ring,
[SCREAMS]
Why are you doing this?
I love you,
Because I gave you a second chance and you blew it,
How?
You're insane,
When I asked about our future, you talked about one
without Crust,
You were only thinking of yourself
and you didn't want to share me with anyone,
Even our kids,
What are you going to do?
Get rid of them too?
I don't know what you're capable of,
And unlike you, when I ask Crust about our future,
he wanted us all to be happy,
He wanted us all to be together,
Even our fucking kids,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
He loves me more than you do,
He loves me more than you can,
[SIGHS]
And I know what I want now, Nila,
It's not love,
It's power,
Crust knows that,
Because in the end, love is easy,
[SOBBING]
Power is hard,
Who's the shitty actor now?
Large target,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]
He is so hard to pin down,
Vegas is disgusting,
Period,
[CAMERA SHUTTERS]
[ENGINE REVS]
We're out of there now, Crust,
You're good,
[SQUEAKS]
You know what I just realized?
Nila is the first person that you've devoured,
That's a woman,
Now, that makes you a real man,
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[GROWLS]
[LMO-415, "LOVE IS EASY"] Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge
I hustled hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you will end up dead
Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge,
I hustled hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you'll end up dead
On the edge of a cliff
You stepped on my hand
Left for dead in the sand in treacherous lands
Left me bleeding
You could hear me screaming
Pulled on my neck, I was barely breathing
Feet to my skull
I was beat to a pulp
I tried to find love
You can see the results
Come on in,
I've got a bungalow by the beach and a brother to avenge,
And I've got a story to write,
I'll drive,
Do you have room for one more?
He's got to fix this,
Oh, my god,
Are those--
I think so,
Let's roll,
[LMO-415, "LOVE IS EASY"]
Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge
I hustled hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you'll end up dead
Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge
I hustled hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you will end up dead
Can't give a sick fade with a 6-inch switchblade
My trust was misplaced to let love dictate
That was bitch-made like a litter of puppies
So fuck this place
I'm going to live for the money
Where the fuck were you when my life was hard?
I was dying from the start
Life ripped me apart
Made me sit in the dark
Put a split in my heart
Shattered to pieces like broken shards
Laughed at me while I struggled and toiled
Now I'm going to war like it's blood for oil
Time to live like royal while I own your soil
I'm taking your stuff like a kid who spoiled
Fuck being loyal
I want your possessions
Leave you starving and broke
Just to send you a message
Killing my targets with no exceptions
Time to learn your lesson
Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge
I hustle hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you will end up dead
Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge
I hustled hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you will end up dead
Love is easy
Power's hard
'Bout to show you motherfuckers who's up in charge
I hustled hard
I get my bread
Get in my way, you will end up dead
[GRAYSON LOW, "THE SOCKS"]
I'm allowed to have as many socks as I want
'Cause I'm my own damn person
And I'll do just what I want
Stretched out
Fading out
I make bad decisions when I'm by myself
Lived in
Wanting
Afraid of what could happen and what could have been
Whoa,
Feeling like a bleach stain
Wait a minute,
Taking up space where I don't belong
Where's my other sock?
And now it kind of seems like life wasn't seamless all along
I'm allowed to have as many socks as I want
'Cause I'm my own damn person
And I'll do just what I want
Left the old ones in a pile on the floor
Forming into problems that I've managed to ignore
[HUMMING]
I've been hung out to dry so many times
It doesn't hurt when I stare at the sun
I've been meaning to come clean
But it never rolls off my tongue
So I just shut my mouth
Feeling like I'm shrunk down
Finding my place here on the floor
And now it really seems like life ain't so seamless anymore
So I'm allowed to have as many socks as I want
'Cause I'm my own damn person
And I'll do just what I want
Left the old ones in a pile on the floor
Forming into problems that I've managed to ignore
I'm allowed to have as many socks as I want
'Cause I'm my own darn person
And I'll do just as I please
I left the old ones in a pile on the floor
Forming into problems I can no longer ignore
[HUMMING]