There you go, Thomas, come on, come on,
Set it up,
You guys are doing great, man,
You're doing so, you're doing such a good job,
And honestly, this time, let's get it done,
Don't worry about that,
What the hell?
You call that a pass?
You call that a catch?
Your mom's a catch?
She's your mom too,
Hey, get off the floor,
What's the matter with you?
You're playing like JV girls out there,
And for the record, your mother is not a catch,
She was decidedly unfaithful to your dad,
Come on,
Oh, run again, run again,
Coach, is Gabe gonna be all right?
No, Gabe's not gonna be all right, David,
Gabe blew his ACL and probably our chance at being state champs,
But, Coach, you're already a state champ,
Two times state champ,
It's true,
For me, this is a minor setback for you boys,
This is it,
This is your shot,
No state championship means--
well, it means no making your parents proud,
It means no scholarship to Michigan,
But Michigan's my dream,
It means Gabriel died in vain,
You said it was his ACL,
Well, he can't score points in the second half,
so he's dead to me,
What about me and Blaine?
I mean, I'm being honest,
I see you both ending up used car salesman either way,
Nice,
But you can kiss your chances with Rebecca Vanderkamp,
Goodbye,
Damn,
She isn't into you,
No,
She isn't into you,
I'm rolling with the bat,
Come on, Coach,
You must have something to help us win,
I already threw three chairs on the sidelines, pal,
I don't know what else you want from me,
And that was inspiring for sure,
But--
But what?
You know,
You want to pep talk, Alex?
Is that it?
You think I'm like one of those coaches on TV
who can just give a speech and change
the fates of every young man in a locker room?
That I could by dent of my rhetoric alone
so stir the hearts of my team as to snatch victory
from the jaws of certain defeat,
That by the virtue of my soaring oratory alone,
I might muster the animal spirit in each and every one of you
that you might do the impossible,
You might drive harder, dig deeper,
and say to that ancient enemy of man who promised an easy life
with no suffering or glory, no, not me, not today,
to call forth the future and all the wonderful and terrible
possibility it holds,
Not for the naked, but for the bold, for the brave,
For those willing to risk it all,
then history might remember their names,
remember their struggles, and remember
it means to be a tiger,
To those who say in the voice of thunder,
winners are just losers who win,
I said winners are just losers who win,
Winners are just losers who win,
Now get out there, Joe,
Let's go,
Javakers!
I'm Brian Kanger!
You're a god among men, Coach,
I am, Talboy,
I really am,
It's Felix,
It's over, but it's just starting,
Can't you see?
Ain't going nowhere until the others finally sing,
It takes a strong one to stand and face the coming star,
Strongly me,
Oh,
It ain't over,
No,
Strongly me,
No,
Oh,
It ain't over,
Wow,
They are calling you Coach Miracle, the coach
of the new millennium, the future of basketball,
What do you say to that?
Coach Miracle?
Sir?
What do you have to say to yourself?
Lady, what can I possibly say?
The three state championships, haven't said already,
Go Tigers!
Tonight's that indication,
The future looks right for Coach Miracle,
Go Tigers!
Go, Coach!
It's not the only church that you want today,
What does it take to be a man?
Is it money?
Fame?
Respect?
Maybe,
But what do those things have in common?
What do they take to achieve?
You have to win,
You have to be a winner,
So now you have a question before you, gentlemen,
You going to go out there today and play like it's just another game?
Or are you going to go out there and
play like this could be the beginning of--
Dammit, Kevin,
Could you put the cell phone down, buddy?
Please,
Dwayne?
Guys, this is serious,
Sports can be your pathway to a better life,
What like yours?
No, not like mine,
Better,
Like this,
The global games,
When I was a kid, you had to be an
elite athlete just to try out for the games,
Now they'll let any loser try,
Any loser,
And if that loser happens to win,
well, now he's not a loser at all, Lizzie,
He's a winner,
Isn't that worth something?
Isn't that worth a shot?
Nothing?
No,
All right,
Good talk, boys,
Please don't steal my catalytic converter again on your way out,
Yo,
Can't talk to us like that,
You're right, Kevin,
I'm sorry,
Hey, buddy, you dropped your cordless reciprocating saw,
Kevin!
I really feel like he would have heard that,
Damn it,
It's racism, Rob,
You can't tell a bunch of teenage boys not to steal,
Yes, you can, Gary,
It's one of the most important things you should be teaching them,
It's literally in the Bible,
Which you also can't teach them,
You're 86 from the rec center, pal,
Buddy, come on,
You know I need this job,
Gary?
Sorry, Miss Breswell,
I'm normally very punctual,
What's that?
This is the fourth time,
It's the obedience craft, lady,
I can't hear anything through it,
This is the fourth time,
For crying out loud, I don't even have a catalytic converter,
You gotta speak up,
This is the fourth time,
See?
There you go,
You're a beautiful woman,
It's a beautiful day,
Maybe a little concealer next time,
Put it there, kiddo,
Hey, what's wrong?
You weren't really late, daddy,
I know, baby girl,
What can I say?
Daddy was on the court, okay, huh?
On the court,
There she is,
What'd that big brain of yours learn at school today?
We learned all about the Cold War,
Oh, yeah?
Our history teacher led us in a moment of silence
for all the workers exploited by the capitalistic system,
You should ask your history teacher which side people ran to
when the Berlin Wall fell,
What's the Berlin Wall?
Oh, and Mary Margaret showed me her penis,
Some boy showed you his penis,
What? No, not a boy, daddy,
Gross, Mary Margaret, she's a girl,
Girls don't have penises, Winnie,
Mary Margaret does,
Penises are weird,
Stop saying penis, please,
Where did this happen, anyway?
In the bathroom,
Well, why are they letting boys in the girls' bathroom?
Why do you keep misgendering Mary Margaret?
Misgendering? What are you talking about?
It's very transphobic of you,
How do you know the word "transphobic"?
I'm eight years old,
Exactly, You're eight years old,
Okay, boomer,
You know what? It's fine,
We'll just have to get you into a private school,
Some of them have good sports programs,
Private schools reinforce white patriarchal privilege,
Did you teach that at public school, did they?
No,
Mommy's boyfriend Chris told me,
He's an ally,
He's a busy,
We'll see about that,
Hi,
How are you?
You have a good time?
Yeah,
Daddy was okay? Was he late?
No, he wasn't,
Okay, okay,
Good time,
Hey!
We need to talk,
Thank you for picking up Winnie, Robert,
We're married for 15 years, Darby, call me Rob,
Darby,
And Robert will do just fine,
Coach Rob!
Oh, good,
My lover, former lover,
Okay, my God,
Yep,
Okay,
Look at us, One big, unconventional family,
Lover, I think your transition into divorce will be smoother
if Coach moved in with us,
Absolutely not,
Never gonna happen,
Coach, now that we're basically co-dads,
I was wondering if you'd like to help me train
where the Nashville runs,
$5,000 prices,
My body's a sacred temple,
I'm all about physical fitness,
Bug-based foods, mRNA vaccines, equitable and inclusive hiking,
There it is,
My lover says you were a great coach back in the day,
Honey, why don't you go help Winnie with her homework?
Light and love, Coach, Light and love,
This is the guy you replaced me with, seriously?
I'm not having this conversation,
Yeah, well, I don't like the things that he's teaching Winnie,
How about that?
Chris is a good man who cares about other people
and the world around him,
Not just winning some stupid game,
Hey, basketball is not a stupid game,
And winning matters,
It's the key ingredient in becoming a winner,
Maybe you should try it sometime,
Unbelievable,
I,,, I,,,
Can I help you?
Yeah, I used to work here,
They said I could come back anytime,
How long ago was this?
Mm-hmm,
25 years?
Is this still compact discs forever?
Not for the last 24 and a half years,
But it doesn't matter,
You're hired,
Cool, You don't need to ask me any questions first,
We only have one question at the dollhouse,
What's your bra size?
What the,,,
Boy, mate,
Well, mate, yes, shortly,
Coach?
Alex?
What a way to make a living,
I just had no idea men could be so handsy,
It only makes you think about how you treat women,
Thanks, babe,
Mm,
What the heck happened to you, Coach?
That's just it, Nothing happened to me,
I stayed the same, and the world changed,
One day it's all about winning,
The next day they want you to lead from behind,
Don't be mean to the kids,
Don't push them so hard,
Don't make fun of the losers,
How are you supposed to win that way?
Man,
What about you?
Mm,
You know, everyone always told me I could do anything I wanted,
so what does any kid who can choose anything in the world do?
Mm, Actor,
Actor,
I always thought you were straight,
I am straight,
Who could doubt it?
Well, either way, it turns out white male of non-exotic sexuality
is the only ethnic group not being cast by Hollywood these days,
Yeah,
I hear Disney's gonna make the new
Snow White and neurodivergent lesbian,
Neurodivergent black lesbian,
I don't understand the world,
It wasn't that long ago we were champions,
Winners,
You're the fastest point guard in Tennessee,
No, I'm still pretty fast,
Yeah,
How fast are we talking?
Just going to the end of the alley and back?
Nothing to it,
On your mark, get set,
Coach, this is ridiculous,
I gotta get some sleep, I'm working nine to five,
You hear yourself, right?
What?
Buddy, we're talking about $5,000 here,
Think about what we could do with that money,
Think about what we could not do with that money,
I do miss being a winner,
Yeah, you do,
Knowing who you were, knowing your purpose,
That's what I'm talking about,
The money could be nice,
Damn right it would be,
Fine,
Hold my heels,
Attaboy,
On your mark, get set,
We are definitely homeschooling,
End time,
Not bad for a girl,
Seriously, buddy, I think with some
training and some excellent coaching,
you could be competitive,
No,
How much?
We're not actually ladies,
I see it,
How much?
Damny's fast,
All right, Coach, you got this,
Just like the old days,
Just get out there and win,
Here we go,
You're late,
Tina made me clean all the fry traps again,
I nearly got grease all over my good wig,
Now we'll lose the wig, would you?
We're in public for crying out loud,
Coach Rob?
Daddy!
Hey!
Oh, there's my girl, former lover,
Don't call me that,
It came and cheered me on,
Actually, I'm here professionally,
Look, profession,
You remember Alex, my former student?
Oh, hey, Mrs, G,
Oh, hey, Daddy, You're gonna be a coach,
Yes, I am,
I see you,
Okay, big guy, We feel seen,
Thank you,
Just gonna go get seen by the registration lady, huh?
Good luck, pal,
Thank you,
I need to register my athlete, please,
Name?
Alex Cruz,
I'm sorry, sir, The men's events are awful,
Next!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, What are you talking about?
You're late, and there's nothing I can do, so next!
That's bullshit,
I will tease a white man,
I've been here the whole time, Cut me some slack,
I need to help the next athlete,
Help me what? You said it's false,
Are you gonna move?
I am not,
Coach, I'm sorry, I couldn't find my wipes,
Oh, my crap, You're a trans woman,
Oh, my crap, I teased an ally,
Oh,
Oh, there you go, miss,
This is everything you need for the
women's heptathlon and all other events,
And you know what?
I'm just gonna go ahead and wave that in, Treffy,
It is so wonderful what you're doing,
No, I'm not,
I'm just glad we were able to get this worked
out without having to get social media involved,
Please! I have a family! And a queer dog!
Oh, she tastes me,
Yeah,
Let me down, Let me down,
Let me down,
Coach, what the heck was that?
You can't,
I'm not gonna compete against women,
Are you crazy?
Do you have any idea how much faster even a man
past his prime like you is than a female athlete?
Past his prime?
High school boys can run faster than world record female sprinters,
You're gonna get out there and you're gonna beat these chicks,
I'm a man,
Seth, who?
I have a,,,
That doesn't matter anymore,
Look, my eight-year-old daughter told me all about it,
This is the way the world is now,
This is wrong,
We wear a dress every second day,
When was the last time you could say
we were wearing the dress of a champion?
This last time you could look in the
mirror and say this is the makeup of a winner,
The tatas of a titan,
You're wearing a thonger,
Yeah, you're a staying character,
Unbelievable,
This is the hands life is, don't you?
Are you gonna waste it?
Or are you gonna get out there and be the best lady you can be?
Best lady I can be,
That's the spirit,
Oh, no,
There we go,
In these hard streets
They say she should just go home
She'll never make it out here
Her pretty face won't cut it alone
She knows she's got it all
Get it right, keep it tight like a psycho girl
Burning bright, watch her fight like love of the world
Keep your good, you keep your coach, you keep your product
She's okay with secondhand and working harder
Golden sight every night like a psycho girl
She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl
Go! Go!
Don't look at me, you're the son of a bitch
Get it right, keep it tight like a psycho girl
Burning bright, watch her fight like love of the world
Keep your good, you keep your coach, you keep your product
She's okay with secondhand and working harder
Golden sight every night like a psycho girl
She's a psycho girl, be like a psycho girl
Call the station, we've got a story,
There's breaking news tonight from the All City Haptathlon
Where Alex Cruz, a brave and beautiful trans woman
Has taken gold in the female competition
Winning in every single event by wide margins
That's right, Drake, And WIAW's own Gwen Wilde
Is on the scene with more from this unprecedented moment
Thanks, Daisy, Indeed, history was made today
As Middle Tennessee's own Alex Cruz, a brave and beautiful
Former high school basketball state champion
Absolutely dominated the women's Haptathlon
Setting new records in both javelin and shot putt
The secret to her success according to Alex, her coach
I want to thank my parents for always supporting me
No matter what, and my coach, Rob Gibson
I've never once been a winner without him
Gwen, Stacey Santiago O'Brien here
There's no question that good coaching can make a difference
But isn't there another reason why Alex might have
Completely crushed the competition?
I don't know what you're saying, Stacey
I think Stacey is referring to the obvious fact that Alex is a
A what?
Well, I mean, as brave and beautiful as he is
She,,, she is brave and beautiful
Of course, But she does have certain
advantages over a real woman, right?
Well, Stacey, Drake, all I can say to that is, how dare you?
Trans women are real women, and thus have no innate differences
With other women whatsoever, The only story here
For which I fully intend to win a Pulitzer is that absolutely
Nothing out of the ordinary happened here tonight
And we should all celebrate the brave, beautiful woman who did it
Back to you
Here's to you, bud, Probably the least
sexy elite female athlete of all time
Hold on, I've been informed that I am in
fact not only brave, but also beautiful
You know what you are, You're $500 richer, That's what you are
$500?
Well, you know what, there are taxes, attorney's fees, child support
Well, I choose that
What is that?
Bud Light, I'm sponsored now
Oh, buddy, They'll give that shit to any dude in the press
I better roll out, It's Wednesday tomorrow
The only day with double D's
It's a pretty big deal at the dollhouse
Dollhouse?
You're going back to that place
before when you got a corporate sponsorship
And five vengeance in your bra
I don't know, I guess I don't completely hate it there
And a man can't live on $500 for long
$500 is just the beginning
Win wild
Come on, On, on, on
Let's cut to the chase, I know you're not a woman
Hey, you dare me
I'm a journalist, I literally cannot be shamed
And I don't care how you identify
Unless you've cried three times in the
same day from the pain of menstrual cramps
Frustration with your boyfriend for not
understanding the pain of menstrual cramps
And frustration with yourself for being so mean to your boyfriend for
not understanding the pain of menstrual cramps
You are not a woman
That's strangely specific
It's cute that you think so
But you just did that entire story to what?
To make a name for myself, to get clicks, to gain power
What part of I'm a journalist do you not understand?
I guess all of it
Look, what do you know about the US Open for the global games?
First time in history amateur
athletes can compete to represent the USA
Exactly
The diversity and inclusion crowd
decided to democratize the global games
Now anyone has a chance
Any woman has a chance
Don't you see?
Men are faster, stronger, meaner
The entire reason we created Women's Sports was to keep you out
But now
Soon all the best women will be men
Cheating, low life men
Like you
You want us to compete as women?
Think of the sponsorships, think of the fame
People will hate us
People will love you
How do you know?
Because I'm going to tell them to
That's the deal
I won't tell the world the truth about you
And in exchange, I get to tell them the lie
I get the exclusive
Let's half the money
Half?
Go home, think about it
You'll see I'm right
Not you coach, you're going home with me
You're a winner now
Every woman wants a winner
You literally just called me a cheating lowlife
Cool
One
Now put your tongue down my throat
With your breathing
Coach?
Alex, we could play basketball,
It could be like the old days,
We'd have to get the whole team back together,
You think there's a chance?
You know you always get a fair deal on wheels
and three square mils here at Crane & Company,
And if you need a ride to the airport, we can do that too,
Because we have to gently use love wagons,
and one of us is more than happy to give you the ride of a lifetime,
Since 1987, we've had our own
continuously operational smorgasbord on-site,
So whether that's wheels, on wheels, or a ride to the airport,
we do it all for you, Middle Tennessee!
And we sell mailbox,
Alright, ladies, good job,
Listen, if you want to have dinner
later, just make sure you get me up,
Just let me know,
That should have gone to med school,
Oh, wait, daddy!
Oh! Boom!
Tell me the cameras are still rolling!
Wow!
Wait!
You have lost your mind!
You've lost your mind!
What did you just say?
You heard me,
Look clean to me, boys,
Coach?
Alex?
It's good to see you boys still love the game,
It means we can get right to it,
Yeah, coach, what's the deal with that?
A burger again or something?
Yes, I do, Jake,
But that's not why we're here,
We're here on serious business,
Basketball business,
Well, can I get the blinds, please?
Code 11,
You guys are going to love this,
What fresh hell is this?
Oh, yeah,
Boom,
This, my friends, is the Crane Cave,
Alex, is that a purse?
It's a purse,
What is this?
My man, this is where the kitchen happens,
What's this one?
My man, this is where the action happens,
In the same room?
Yeah,
Gentlemen, take a seat,
Let's talk basketball,
We're getting the old state champs back together,
For what?
Just say Alex and I are working on a new strategy,
Something to get us back into the game professionally,
Coach, we're old,
We're out of practice,
We're in,
We're in, Coach,
What?
Bro, professionals,
Honestly, when's the last time you felt like someone?
I mean, I kind of always feel like someone,
But when was the last time you got laid?
We're in,
Now, you guys got David already, right?
Coach, we have to have the human tower,
No one's heard from David since he
blew that college championship game,
But there have been sightings,
I'll give my hiking boots,
Hey, Coach, you didn't mention the hold,
One thing at a time, buddy,
One thing at a time,
Got it,
GBS says we're here,
I don't see anything,
Dammit, I lost the signal,
What the hell was that?
David?
Coach?
What are you guys doing here?
Stop!
I mean, it's fine,
You're all very safe,
We're not safe,
Sorry, Coach,
My life is here,
I'm a man of peace now,
How many badgers have you killed?
All but one,
Man, this jerk is great,
What is this?
This venison?
Squirrel,
Look, David, I get it, man,
You're fat, you're old, you're slow, you're very fat,
Like Shaquille O'Neal if he was mediocre and white,
That's it?
That's the pitch?
Yeah, Coach, I'm not a good speech-giver,
I'm sorry,
Look, buddy, we need you,
You're the heart of the team, you're the center,
I said no,
I can't go back,
Not after the--
Not after,
What was that badger hoping?
I don't know, buddy,
Maybe this is your shot at redemption,
I have been redeemed through badger blood,
Redeemed through basketball,
This whole badger murder thing is a weird tangent,
You guys should leave,
At least I'm not fat,
Disgustingly fat,
I miss you, pal,
You're not not fat,
What if this isn't about revenge at all?
What if it's just about basketball?
Please let me go,
Shut your mouth, you pervert badger,
I'll be back,
Coach!
I'm in,
Nice,
Is that a purse?
Let's play some basketball,
No!
We just need one more player to round out the spot,
What about Jamal?
Nah, he's dead,
I'm in the middle of the street with
a hole through the top of his head,
The cop said it was almost like some type of laser from space,
and it was all over the place,
Weird,
What?
What about that little guy who was always picking on?
Not a bad player,
Moishe,
We revealed he was a mussad, even back in high school,
Well, that's it,
That's everybody,
My man, looking smooth,
Man, you guys weren't kidding,
These Jeremy's razors are amazing,
And did you know that Jeremy's now offers a razor
specially designed for women?
And don't forget about Jeremy's shampoo,
And conditioner,
They keep our hair silky and smooth,
Didn't we just find someone else from the year before?
No, it has to be somebody from this team,
the championship team,
I knew this was too good to be true,
Hey, what about Talboy Felix?
Talboy Felix?
Guys, we used to shove him in the lockers after we won,
Oh, hey!
Hey, Jeremy,
Real small,
Total loser,
Totally,
I heard he's rich,
He's in,
I'm in,
What's with the cat?
Cindy Crawford?
She was my grandma's cat, and now she's mine,
I love her more than anything in the whole world,
Bro, I'm allergic to cats,
Ooh,
Cats are stupid,
More of a dog guy,
I can't wait to show you guys around,
Who is this guy?
It's like the Willy Wonka, the towel game,
Oh, my God,
The hand of wine's come on,
Talboy has become the Tal man,
You ever do--
Jim in your house?
Oh, yeah,
After I sold my company, I thought,
I'm going to build the sickest gym for when my bros come over,
But this is the first time we've ever come over here,
So it was totally worth it,
It's a drain-out festival,
Bring the kids,
And his wedding,
Nothing's changed,
Feels good to be back on the court, eh, big guy?
Oh, my God,
Is that our mascot?
Badger!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Easy, big guy,
That's our old tiger mask,
Dude, that's not nurse,
This is a purse, bro,
Hey, bud,
Hey,
Dad?
Huh?
Not dad,
Come on,
I'll never hurt you,
Huh?
I'll never hurt you,
I'm always--
What are you doing?
You know our kids got serious PTSD issues,
You got PTSD,
That doesn't even make any sense,
You don't make sense,
Easy,
Welcome to Edstein's Island,
You know too much,
Let's eat,
Whoo!
Hey!
Hey, what the hell's the matter with you?
That is enough,
You have a coach whistle,
That's funny,
I have a brain whistle,
That's not funny,
This is the dream team,
Seriously,
What's up?
I'm Jake, and I love poetry,
No one cares what's up,
I'm Blaine, and I hate poetry,
Easy, boys,
This is my,,,
girlfriend?
I'm a reporter,
And I'm here to start my profile on the team,
Profile?
Why would we need a profile?
We're just getting started,
Phew,
You haven't told them,
Told us what?
Guys, it's not that bad,
Really?
Have you lost your mind?
You know the name "creating company"
still means something in this town,
And we're not gonna besmirch it in this way,
I feel like I've spent the riddler on this--
I'm going back to the woods,
I've never been so disgusted in my life,
I ain't no chick, bro,
I cut my dick off for you, coach,
Just say the word, and it's gone,
And I'm not dragging him into it,
We need this guy!
I'm not dragging him into it!
You know what you want,
Come on,
Take a knee,
Boys,
No,
Men,
I know I'm asking a lot of you,
Hell, I've always asked a lot of you,
Even when no one else would,
Even when you didn't think you had anything left to give,
Do you remember where that got us?
I do,
I remember holding that trophy in my hands
with you boys by my side,
And where have you gotten since I stopped asking too much of you?
Jake and Blaine running the skeeziest
car lot on the skeeziest side of town,
They've been too afraid to even leave the woods,
It's so fat,
I've gained three pounds since high school,
You're fat,
And Felix--
I mean, Felix, you did all right,
Nobody saw that coming,
You know what I'm offering you now?
Something nobody's offered you in a long time,
A chance,
A chance at success,
A chance at dignity,
A chance at redemption,
What about me, Coach?
Kind of already into the speech, buddy,
Screw it,
I'm in,
Yes,
Fine,
Here's my boys,
Me too,
So are we or aren't we cutting our dicks off?
Nobody's cutting their dicks off, buddy,
I totally would though, just for the record,
Dude,
What's the deal with those two?
Heteropaternal super-fuckin-dation,
They're half-brother,
Twists,
Same mom,
Same time,
Different dance,
Sounds hot,
Daddy!
Hey,
Where's my little athlete?
Oh,
This is Miss Quinn,
Alex, boys,
It's good to see you,
What's up, Mrs, G?
Mwah,
Hey, you,
Hello, Robert,
Hello, Darby,
Put your hands off my boyfriend,
Thanks for bringing Winnie by, huh?
I got a little caught up,
Look at this,
You got the state champs back together,
Yeah,
We got a little something cooking, if you can believe it,
And a great friend,
She's a journalist,
You can't believe anything she says,
No, it's fine,
I mean, why wouldn't you date?
I just,,,
I hope you're friendly, Abby,
Darby,
That's right,
Walk away, bitch,
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
It's the mother of my child, okay?
Plus, I owe her a mortgage payment,
It's the newest one,
This just came out this year,
I saw a commercial for it,
Lady Balders,
Man up,
Come on!
Yes, sir,
Ladies, ladies, you look ridiculous,
Felix, get that bra off your head,
And you got to shave your beard,
Girls don't have beards, right?
Well, I've told girls have beards, Daddy,
My aunt teaches a girl,
Her beard is great,
Daddy's a little busy, so we're just
gonna put those head things right back,
Your little spawn is right,
Girls can have beards,
It's a great head line,
What else has your teacher told you?
Pansexual is a whole different category,
but really, you'll need a crap ton of drugs
or complicated surgery every seven or eight months
if your body is morbid,
So a guy can become a girl with no physical changes at all?
They were always a girl,
Unless they decide they're guys again,
In which case, they were always guys,
But what if they, like, go back and forth?
Oh, that's called gender-fluid,
Mm,
So I can be a woman on the court
and a man in the bedroom,
I can't believe it,
Nice!
You mean when you're sleeping?
Yes,
Okay,
I think that's enough knowledge for one day,
Thank you, sweetie,
So, any questions?
Yeah, Coach, what is a woman?
Guys, it's easy,
Women are just like men, only better,
Just shave your legs,
Tell each other how brave you are
for things that require absolutely no physical courage,
And don't be afraid to cry at work,
Easy peasy,
All right,
I think that's enough, ladies,
Better get some sleep,
Tomorrow, we start winning,
Let's go,
So brave,
History is being made today,
As for the first time ever,
the United States will choose the athletes
they send to the global games
from a competition open to all Americans,
It's nice to know the little guy has a chance for once, Gwen,
During my two weeks of sensitivity training,
I discovered that I am not only a raging scolio-sexual,
but also one 2,048th pure Dakota Indian,
So I know what it's like to overcome adversity,
Right, Stacey?
Stacey Santiago O'Brien is my slave name,
Okay,
Stacey, Drake, back to you,
Remember that feeling, boys?
The thrill of the crowd,
Are you crazy?
What?
All right, pack it up,
Pack it up,
Here we go,
That's the end of the men's qualifying round,
Up next, the women!
Who owns this game?
Lady Bo!
Who was born for this game?
Lady Bo!
Who loved America?
Lady Boers!
Who could keep a secret?
Lady Boers,
Lady Boers on three,
One, two, three,
The Lady Boers!
This is ladies' basketball, boys,
Nobody watch us,
You said the thrill of the crowd,
That was rhetorical,
How'd they clear out so fast?
I don't know,
No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Hey! What's your problem?
Never seen a ladies' basketball team before?
Those aren't--
Wait,
What?
Guys, I'm getting paid like 50 bucks to be here,
I don't care,
Hey,
I'm a lesbian,
All right, ladies, Keep it clean,
Keep it tucked,
Destroy,
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Back on deep! Back on deep!
Get out! Get out!
Let me in!
Let me in! Let me in!
What are they doing?
I think they're running a set,
They're making me nervous,
Hey, watch out! Watch out!
Oh, my God!
I am so sorry,
Hey! Get down the corner!
That's garbage!
Technical! And you shut the up the transphobic mother
Oh,
♪ Welcome to my rodeo ♪
Okay, it's going!
-This is much better! -This is much better!
Yeah! This is great,
It's like watching men's basketball,
Yes!
-Let's go, girls! -Go!
-You did it, Daddy! -Oh, there he is,
We're hugging, We're hugging, It's weird,
Lady balls forever, baby!
Davila,
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Lady balls forever!
-Come on, -Come on,
Up, up, up,
Guys, I'm on the team now,
That felt good,
The crowd loved us,
Have you seen the reaction on social?
We're heroes,
I didn't know it was gonna feel this good,
I want to stuff myself in a locker,
Pfft,
How does it feel to be winners again, boys?
-Amazing, -Incredible,
Amazing,
David, what's your problem?
I don't know, Coach,
It's just some of those girls were out there beating,
They've worked their entire lives for this opportunity,
I didn't make the rules, pal,
Okay, but aren't we just using our innate strength
and speed to wail on a bunch of girls
in a competition where we wouldn't stand a chance
against other men?
None,
I mean, Coach, what's that make us?
Winners,
I'll take the course I would for a thousand,
I'm a growing coach,
I'm keeping these cups a daily double,
Oh, no, darling,
-Aww, -Ugh,
Put a baby in me,
What?
No, you're right,
The last thing I need is another abortion this year,
You're a monster,
What?
You have any idea what it takes to be a female field reporter
in the 29th biggest media market?
No,
Whatever,
I just think what we're doing here isn't right,
No way,
I just got sponsored by Maybelline,
No, you didn't,
Nike wants me to be in a commercial about tolerance
or some crap,
Nike wants me to be in a commercial about tolerance
or some crap,
Shh,
I was just invited to the White House
to give a talk on women's rights,
You earn that,
You own it,
You go, girl,
Welcome to the virtue economy, girls,
And that's just from one game of basketball,
You could win at any sport,
You could win at every sport,
What?
No, no, no, no,
Focus up,
She's right, Coach,
We could dominate every woman's sport,
Running, swimming, soccer,
I said sport, Felix,
Hey, we talked about this,
We could be kings,
Queens,
No, that's not the plan,
We're here to play basketball,
We still have four games to go before we even qualify,
You can't assume they're all going to be this easy,
I'm with her,
Holy crap!
They are going to be this easy,
One small step for dudes, one giant leap for lesbians,
♪ You've always had the freedom ♪
Day one of being a girl athlete,
I've already eaten a whole pint of pistachio ice cream,
given up on parallel parking twice,
re-read "Sense and Sensibility,"
and started washing down Benzo Diassepines with rose,
I love being a girl, How'd I do, ladies?
♪ This is yours, the winner lose ♪
♪ We're counting on ya ♪
♪ Butterfly just look inside ♪
♪ We're waiting on ya ♪
♪ You've always had the freedom ♪
♪ Take any commas and meet them ♪
My pronoun-ter, I'm strong,
♪ You've always had the freedom ♪
♪ Take any commas and meet them ♪
And I guess if I'm really being honest,
I've never completely known myself,
or been known, until now,
You've all overcome so many obstacles,
I've developed body positivity issues,
She's a fan,
Yeah, it still hasn't been easy,
Yeah, some people won't even let us use
the women's showers, no,
Such bigotry,
You know, it's been a special hard,
for Felix here,
who was bullied in high school,
It's Sheilich's coach,
Maybe you can just like not dead name me
for five frickin' seconds,
Okay, that's, you know, as my daughter Winnie
has informed me, one can even be Trans-Aged now,
which provides Sheilich with a wonderful opportunity
to relive all the experiences that she
missed out on in school,
Like having my period,
Never happened,
Yes,
Let's go to the package,
What do you say, coach, to people at home
who suggest your athletes have unfair natural advantages?
And LeBron doesn't, Tiger doesn't,
We're talking about elite athletes, Quinn,
Of course they have natural gifts,
What about people who say that women
could never compete in men's sports?
Well, that's a lie,
Caitlyn Jenner won the men's decathlon in 1976,
My ladies were high school state champions
and boys basketball,
Some would say they were boys back then,
Well, anyone who would say that
doesn't understand science,
And cut,
That was fun,
You wanna grab some avocado toast
and tie me to the furnace again?
I think the blisters are starting to heal
from last time,
Not here, you idiot,
That was awesome, Mrs, Weil,
Who said you could speak to me?
Okay,
You did it, daddy,
Hey,
Oh, there she is,
Okay,
Daddy's gonna talk to the girls for one minute,
Can you wait for me over there?
What's up in here?
Bellas, where's the after party?
No party for me, coach,
Gotta work on my backhand
so I can make the women's tennis team tomorrow,
Yeah,
We're out too, coach,
Got a couple of hotheads coming over to the office
for an old fashioned sleepover,
Oh yeah,
Y'all know girls don't have sex with each other
at sleepovers, right?
Wait, what?
They told me tonight,
Get internet name safe, I didn't make this,
That's what I gave you,
You can have a bow in your ear,
What, what are you lying?
Well, that's why my mom hated you,
Felix,
Huh?
Got a blog, babe,
Day three of being a girl athlete,
I already have two million followers,
Like and subscribe, bitch,
Well hey, I need you fresh tomorrow for the game,
I don't stay up all night,
I'm always fresh, girl,
Hey, that was quite a display back there
with the waterworks, you all right?
I'm in every word,
This is the best experience of my life, coach,
I feel like a brand new woman,
Brand new man?
What?
Oops, where is my head?
I've got to get to the spa for a mani-pedi
before the game tomorrow,
That was weird,
Mommy!
Hi, sweetie,
Hi,
Can you go wait with Chris in the car for a second?
Mommy needs to talk to daddy for a minute,
What's up?
You have to stop, Rob,
Stop what?
The Crane boys, really?
What about them?
They barely even bothered to shave their legs,
My former lover, the turf,
Oh please,
Look, I don't know what to tell you,
My girls say they're girls, so they're girls,
But they don't even believe it,
Except maybe Alex,
That kid isn't well,
No,
You know what I think they need?
A hug,
Half of these ideas come from Winnie, you know?
Between your stupid woke school
and your stupid woke boyfriend,
That's different,
How is it different?
Chris, he's big hearted,
You're taking advantage,
So guys like Chris get to just make this crap up
and if I go along with it, I'm taking advantage?
That's real nice,
You're better than this, Rob,
You're the one who couldn't handle
being married to a loser,
You're the one who told me to try winning sometime,
I never cared if you won or lost,
I just wanted you to be happy,
You were always so unhappy,
Well take a good look, cause I'm happy, baby,
You know this is wrong,
I'm happy and my girls are happy,
They're not real girls,
Chris?
No, you know what?
Fine, I'm the bad guy,
Come on, Winnie,
At least we still have each other,
How much?
Alexa, what's your problem?
Hit the game!
Come on,
Get it!
Come on!
Get your weight, girl!
Excuse me, are these seats open?
Nevermind,
Told you we should have sprung for the box seats,
What's your problem?
I think the girl broke my nail,
Get off my foot,
You?
Tennis looks so easy,
Blair, would you run a frickin' marathon last night?
Let's just say, David was wrong
about the girl's sleepover last night, Coach,
Jake?
Let's just say David was wrong
about the girl's sleepover last night, Coach,
Monica from the Hawkeyes played a little one-on-one
with her last night, shirts and skin style,
Kicked me up like half the night,
What?
Monica kept me up half the night,
Which half?
Hey, hey, hey!
Coach, you're not the targets,
What's the matter with you?
Shut up!
Hey, not that!
Hey!
First test,
All right!
What can I say?
It wasn't a pretty win, but it was a win,
My girls look forward to participating
in the championship game tomorrow, that's it,
Any questions?
Daddy, can we talk?
Daddy's a little busy right now, honey,
Can we?
No, of course you can, baby, anytime,
Come on, sit down, yeah?
I'm sorry you saw Mom and Dad fighting last night, huh?
That's not for you,
I wanna be a boy,
What?
I wanna be a winner just like you, Daddy,
What's that have to do with being a boy?
Boys are better at everything,
Oh, honey,
That's just not true,
They're better at basketball,
Okay, yeah, basketball,
And swimming,
Okay,
MMA,
That goes without saying,
And running, and javelin, power lifting,
shot putt, hockey, karate, football,
hole vault, driving, parking, most of the STEM fields,
rock and roll, opening pickle jars!
Okay!
Yeah, boys are better at all of those things,
But those are just things, Winnie,
Things boys made up so we'd have something to be good at,
Doesn't matter anyway,
Those girls can't become boys,
Boys clearly can't become girls,
Listen, women are better at all kinds of things,
They can be nurturing, and sensitive, and empathetic,
Better at doing lots of things at once,
and caring for a lot of people at once,
They're better at communicating, and building community,
and they civilize men,
It's the only reason we have a civilization,
No women,
No world,
Did mommy civilize you?
She tried,
I think she's still trying,
Plus mommy brought you into the world,
That's a superpower no man will ever have, yeah?
Okay,
You go with mommy,
Daddy's got a few things to figure out,
My God, you're weak,
How the hell did you get in here?
You gave me a key,
I absolutely did not give you a key,
You're right, I picked the lock,
What do you want, Gwen?
What do I want?
How about for you to stick to your end of the deal?
Your merry band of losers almost shit the bed out there,
Yeah, we won, didn't we?
And what's with all this?
Boys and girls are different, honey,
At least you can have babies,
Crap,
Won't you bug the locker room?
What if that had been for a different network?
Idiots,
I'm sorry, I forgot I was mic'd, okay?
I just need you to be open, Coach,
Okay?
No, no, I'm sorry,
I just, it's this divorce,
I think it's really starting to affect my daughter,
Seriously?
Of course your divorce is affecting your daughter,
70% of all people in prison come from broken families,
She's twice as likely to do drugs,
twice as likely to drop out of school,
four times as likely to have trouble fitting in,
three times as likely to end up in therapy,
twice as likely to commit suicide,
50% more likely to have health problems,
Do you people not even do a freaking Google search
before you decide to blow up the planet your kids live on?
Greeders,
Buck, when are you going to be fine?
I'm not going to be fine,
I'm just going to keep fighting with my mom
and get her into a school journalism program,
She could end up like me,
Oh God,
Look, I just need you to focus on what really matters,
Winning tomorrow and becoming the most important news story
in the history of sports,
Okay?
What we're doing to these women,
to the entire concept of women's sports is wrong,
Stop it,
You listen to me, coach,
These are not sexy slaps,
Do you hear me?
Do not get aroused right now,
Not even a little,
I've staked my entire future on this,
These transhumanist tech oligarchs
and nihilist college professors
have already convinced every self-righteous housewife
with munchausen by proxy to sacrifice their kids
on the altar of false virtue,
The least we could do is get rich off it,
Greasy,
You ruin this for me and I'll cut you in ways
that don't lead to orgasm,
I'll cancel you,
Robert,
Are we ever even gonna have sex?
How much?
It's an amazing day for Middle Tennessee
as 10,000 people are gathered right here in Music City
for the Women's Championship Basketball Match
in the first ever US Open for the Global Games,
A big day for sports and a big day for trans rights,
Which are women's rights?
Which are human rights?
Why do you always get to talk first?
I beg your pardon?
It's just evidence of systemic sexism and racism, Drake,
You are very white,
Ladies and gentlemen and in between,
from Nashville, Tennessee, the Lady of Orange!
That's my daddy!
And from Santa Fe, the skiddless cowgirls!
Why is Gwen Wilde talking to their coach?
I mean, what's wrong with his neck?
Furnace earth,
I dated a girl like that once,
The cowgirls seem to have made
some last minute substitutions,
Keep talking, big man,
Those aren't the Santa Fe cowgirls,
Let's just say I made some substitutions,
You can't substitute players in a qualification match,
Qualifying the players is the entire point,
There's no rule against it,
Yeah, we're pretty much just making it up as we go,
But they're not real,
They're not what?
She told me there's a sniper here
in the rafters right now,
Help me,
Okay,
What's the story there, coach?
Gentlemen, Alex, I've known you men since you were boys,
This isn't the first time we've walked
into a championship game as the underdogs,
Remember what happened last time?
- We won, - We won,
So ask yourselves this,
What do we have then that we don't have now?
- Practice, - Youth,
A black guy on the team?
- Heart, - We had heart,
That is heart,
We had love of the game,
We had the desire to win and the determination to do it,
There wasn't about money then, sponsorships, fame,
Trying to keep the psycho journalists
I've been trying to sleep with
from shooting us all with sniper rifles,
What?
It was about basketball,
Wait, you got tied to a furnace and didn't get laid?
I like to move slow, Blaine,
It's called respect,
It was about love of competition then,
Love of your teammates, love of America,
And it was about one simple, beautiful truth,
Winners are just losers who win,
There he is,
I said winners are just losers who win,
Winners are just losers who win,
Winners are just losers--
I'm so sick of you doing that,
How was I supposed to know when to stop?
Did you guys practice?
We just hit a party with a cage,
How are you rich?
- Yeah, - Come on, man,
Let's play some basketball,
That's the end of the half, folks,
Bro, you know tampons are for real girls, right?
No, now they're for people who bleed,
Where'd you even get those things?
I found them in Alex's purse,
Oh, God, oh, Lordy,
Where does he put them?
Oh, grip all the fire,
- Oh, - Oh,
Jake, Blaine,
Hey, Monica,
Hey,
There's something I have to tell you both,
Oh,
I'm pregnant,
Oh, man,
Who's the father?
Both of you,
Heteropaternal suprifacundation, man,
How did she know any of that this soon?
Shh,
And the sins of the father will be visited upon the son
even until the third and fourth generations,
Fathers,
What are we gonna do, coach?
Coach?
Coach Gibson, Drake Diamond, WIAW News,
How?
Coach, win or lose, you have clearly changed the game
of women's basketball forever,
In as much as no matter the outcome tonight,
for the first time ever, the American team won't include
a single real biological woman,
How does it feel to change the world?
All right, that's enough,
Whoa, all right,
Don't push me off my land, white man,
Is literally every journalist a lunatic?
Coach, you all right?
Let's play some basketball!
Coach, what are we gonna do?
Now boys, we've taken this thing about
as far as we're gonna take it,
Coach is right, they're not even real girls,
We're not even real girls,
No, we're not, Jake, but we're not men either,
Maybe we still can be,
We just have to lose,
You mean we'll never be going to the global games?
I am, already qualified in powerlifting,
I landed a spot on the swim team and the marathon,
And your meter hurdles,
400 meter hurdles,
I am the fastest female jockey in the world right now,
Congrats, man,
Not the brag, but you're gonna
forfeit all of those positions,
Coach, coach,
Guys, you don't want your legacy to be erasing women
from women's sports,
It's time to man up,
So what's the plan, coach?
I think I've got it all figured out,
but I'm gonna need you boys to buy me some time,
Can you do that?
Yes sir, yes sir, we can,
Coach, there's a--
A little red dot on my forehead?
I know, but I know Gwen,
She's a vindictive little mince,
but I don't think she'd actually hurt anybody,
- I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, - Oh look,
A lucky penny,
She's got a gun, she's got a gun,
What?
Dammit,
Hey, let's look at this,
What?
Coach,
You what, pal?
I understand why this is wrong,
I mean, Jake can blame his real women,
Please,
It's a miracle we got away with it as long as we have,
But I am--
You what, pal?
I am a woman,
I mean, all those years playing basketball,
I never really felt like myself,
A decade in Hollywood, trying to figure out who I really was,
and then I started working at the dollhouse,
and this is the real me, Coach,
This is who I am,
Proud of myself for the first time,
My parents are proud of me,
Have your parents ever not been proud of you, bud?
What do you mean?
Your parents love you, Alex,
That's a good thing,
Parents should love their kids unconditionally,
Shouldn't be proud of you unconditionally,
Shouldn't be proud of you when you do what's right,
What we've done here, this, this isn't right,
You're confused, I get that,
We all get confused sometimes,
and if you need help, buddy, I'm gonna help you get it,
You gotta believe me when I tell you this,
You are not a woman,
You're just a lost man in a lost world
with shitty parents and a real shitty coach,
We've all gone along with this lie
instead of just hurting your felence
and telling you the truth,
How can you be so sure I'm not a woman?
Good talk, man,
Good talk,
Hymns, hers and sims,
It's your boy, Deuce Johnson, here,
This was a basketball!
What are you doing?
I'm gonna take it easy, buddy,
No, no, no, no,
I have to do this,
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make,
I, Blaine Crane, of Lady Ballish fame,
am not only a woman, which is obvious,
but I'm also a hot lesbian,
A lesbian in love,
Monica, my love, I knew I was gay for you
since the first time I saw you,
Please, come down here,
That's fine, I'll do it from here,
Monica, will you be my lesbian wife?
And I, Jenny Claine, of Lady Ballish fame,
am also a super lesbian,
People say I'm the best lesbian around right now,
Monica, I love you,
You're the one for me,
I'm trying to get married, you dick,
I'm getting married,
I am,
You're stupid,
Rob,
I don't care, fight,
Oh no, she didn't,
How much?
That's the biggest dick I've ever seen on a lady,
Come on, we're here to topple the patriarchy,
not each other,
Wait!
The Lady Ballers are making some substitutions,
Come on, Coach,
What is this?
What?
You never seen a ladies basketball team before?
What are they doing?
I think they're running a set,
They're making me nervous,
Dink it, dink it!
Oh, hey!
Get it, man!
They killed it all!
Yeah!
Get on your man, get on your man!
Come on, hustle, hustle!
How do you say?
Proud of a team,
Oh,
Come on now, hustle!
I can still cancel you,
I can cancel all of you,
You can,
You probably should,
I won't,
You gave me a good story,
It pains me to say it, but you're a winner, Rob,
A reluctant winner, but still a winner,
But I don't ever wanna have sex with you,
Aw,
I don't ever wanna have sex with you either, Quinn,
Really?
Oh no, I do,
I really, really do,
But I think our time together is heading in,
Mm-hmm,
Uh-oh,
See you around, coach,
See you around, Quinn,
All right, ladies, form up, form up!
And that was the heartwarming scene
at today's Global Games Final Qualifiers,
Just about the cutest thing I have ever seen,
A true testament to the power of sportsmanship,
Absolutely,
Though ultimately the little girls were trounced,
the final score, 418 to six,
Welcome to the grand reopening of the Crane & Company
Luxury Used Cars and Youth Sports Center,
Where you can still get a deal on new wheels,
And now you can help kiddos learn how to dunk and steal
here at Crane & Company!
You still sell bail bonds,
Plus, kids will have a chance to figure out
who they really are,
I'm the best coach anyone could help for,
Coach, you wanna come say a few words?
Tellers, tellers, tellers,
I look at it all your faces,
Some of you loved me even when I didn't deserve it,
Some of you slapped me when I clearly deserved it,
You tased me, precious little provocation,
I'm sorry,
They have a restraining order against you,
Oh, I say, was there a merge?
Look at all these families and children,
How do these people live like this?
It's disgusting,
All of you helped me learn an important lesson,
There's only one win that matters,
Now let's play some basketball, huh?
Woo!
Hey, how big an investment did you make
in Crane & Company anyway?
Oh, I wanted it outright,
Makes sense,
Probably sell it next week,
Touché,
Whoa!
Hi,
You're a good dad, Rob,
You're a good mom, Rob,
I was thinking,
if only the three of us get together this weekend,
have a little picnic,
Oh yeah?
Why not?
Hey, Baldilocks, I wanna see a rebound,
Come on, run that set again,
Remember, winners are just losers who do what's right,
Come on now, hustle, hustle, hustle,
This is his favorite line,
Oh!
Here we, whoa!
Oh!
We'll get him next time,
Your dad is so silly,
Another sweet daddy Walsh adventure
comes to a satisfying conclusion,
What are you talking about?
I don't understand how anyone else helped to make this situation better,
Don't you?
♪ You think it's over ♪
♪ But it's just starting ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ It ain't going nowhere ♪
♪ Until the others finally see ♪
♪ It takes a strong one ♪
♪ To stand and face the coming stars ♪
♪ It's strong and we owe it over ♪
♪ No, it ain't over ♪
♪ It ain't over ♪
In fifth grade, Lacey Logan called me pretty,
Not handsome, pretty,
And that felt good,
Everybody loves a compliment,
In seventh grade, Moisha convinced me
to steal Carly Truett's underwear
from the girls locker room,
And I did,
And God, they were so soft,
Silky, you know?
Why don't they make men's underwear more soft, doc?
And eighth grade, I had a down pad for Jessica Montgomery,
And I didn't feel like a girl at all that year,
You know what I mean?
But in ninth grade, Jessica broke up with me
and I had a good cry,
Jake called me a sissy,
I don't know why it's so wrong for men to cry,
But we'll make that a lie,
♪ You made it ♪
♪ No one could take it from ya ♪
♪ A legend history was waiting for ya ♪
♪ You've always had the freedom ♪
♪ Take any commas and meet them ♪
♪ Ah ♪