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April?
Sorry, Should I sit?
If you want to,
Nice bones,
I just,,,
I like to take in a space when I enter it,
I\'m studying architecture and they
sort of train us to always be aware of our surroundings so that,,,
Am I talking too much?
What?
People don\'t usually ask that question in here,
I really like your office,
Thank you,
- D,I,Y,? - I\'m sorry?
Did you do it yourself or did you use an interior decorator?
I,,,
So this is all you?
- I\'m impressed, - Thank you,
So, April,,,
Well, Maybe you can tell me a little bit about yourself,
What,,, What specifically?
Well, Whatever you think I should know,
I\'m 23,
I go to Pratt, I\'m studying architecture,,,
I already told you that,,,
And urban planning,
It\'s a three-Year program, I\'m in my 2nd year,
My parents are both alive and still married to each other,
I have a brother,,,
Daniel,
He\'s a year and a half younger, We\'re pretty close,
I\'m single
recently,
Very recently,
We were together since the first week at Pratt,
So is,,,
Is that what you\'ve come to talk about?
My breakup?
I wish,
No, My breakup was
really fine, Totally amicable,
Kyle was really incredibly civil about the whole thing,
We\'re still good friends,
And his new girlfriend\'s just
delightful,
And her father owns five buildings on Park Avenue,
So,,, that\'s nice,
I\'m sorry, I\'m really bad at talking about myself,
You\'re gonna have to ask me questions or something,
Are you that kind of shrink?
I can be,
I found your name online,,,
Pratt listserv,
I wanted somebody close to school
who actually takes my health plan,
Nobody had commented on your page,
There\'s a space where patients can recommend or not recommend,
Yours was empty,
That\'s probably \'cause I\'ve just recently moved to the area,
I assumed it was a new practice,
I thought you\'d be younger,
Would you prefer a younger therapist?
No, Actually,
You seem great,
How\'s business?
Hard?
Why\'d you move?
I\'m sorry,
Well, I just can\'t help but notice
that this is the third time that you have,,,
That you\'ve apologized to me,
I\'m not really sorry,
- I was just being polite, - OK, I just want you to know that
you don\'t have to apologize for anything in here,,,
Anything that you say, You can\'t,,,
You can\'t offend me,
- I can\'t? - Well, Of course you can, But,,,
I can take it,
What I mean is you don\'t have to censor yourself
to spare my feelings,
So is this your first time meeting with a psychologist?
No, I saw somebody at school,
They give you 9 weeks for free over the course of the school year,,,
Nine weeks, That\'s,,, that\'s not long,
It would\'ve been plenty if she hadn\'t been such a fucking idiot,
First of all,
Jennifer
was barely older than me,
One of those girls who,,,
You could just tell she became a therapist
because she didn\'t know what else to do with her life,
Like she woke up one morning and thought,
"I look like I\'m a good listener"
"and I have nothing really to say, I know! I\'ll be a therapist,"
- No offense, - That\'s fine, That\'s fine,
She was just waiting for some
rich doctor in a bad marriage
to crawl into her office and fall in love with her
so she could give up the whole charade,
I could tell wen I was sitting there in front of her she was thinking,
"This girl is a complete waste of time,"
And what told you that?
I don\'t know,
It was just this feeling I had, This
polite glaze in her eye,
Also, She told me
the same story twice, Which was pretty disheartening,
In the same session?
No, Two different sessions,
So you went to see her again?
Yeah, I figured I owed it to her,
How do you mean that you owed it to her?
She was a nice person,
She was trying,
So what was the story, The one that she told you twice?
It\'s not significant,
I mean, It\'s not even a story,
It\'s more of a joke,
You probably know it,
Maybe not,
Try me,
It\'s the one about the hick who comes to New York
and,,,
Everyone\'s moving really fast, Nobody gives him the time of day,
Taxis cut him off,
People try to pick his pocket,
And all he wants to do is get to the museum of Natural History
to see the dinosaurs,
But he can\'t find it,
You know, He,,,
He can\'t find it, He\'s walking in circles,
So finally he walks
right into the middle of Times Square,
Taps a cop on the shoulder and says,
"Excuse me, Officer, Can you tell me how
to get to the Natural History museum, Or should I just go fuck myself?"
I\'ve heard it, Yeah,
It\'s a,,,
It\'s a classic,
Well, She told it to me twice,
And it wasn\'t funny the first time,
When I didn\'t go back, She called me like
87 times, I was like,
"Take a hint, Lady,"
Do you think it\'s possible she didn\'t know
that you had chosen to stop therapy?
How many phone calls does a person need to ignore
before you realize they don\'t want to talk to you?
So you never spoke to her again after you decided not to continue therapy?
I didn\'t have anything to say to her,
I just didn\'t want to come back to therapy,
I just wonder why you felt that you couldn\'t just
just tell her,
I didn\'t want to hurt her feelings,
The,,, Okay,
First of all, The woman was borderline stalking me,
I\'ve had friends who\'ve gone to therapy at school and,,,
And if you quit, They\'re supposed to call you once,
Send you a letter and that\'s it,
Jennifer was
way over the line, Second of all, She was an idiot,
And third of all,
Do you know her or something?
No, I don\'t think so,
Why?
Because you seem really invested in my relationship with her
and the whole reason I came to you
was because I didn\'t think that
you knew anybody that I know,
Well, I\'m trying to understand what
you\'re trying to tell me when you tell me this story,
Dude, Back up, I wasn\'t trying to tell you anything,
You\'re the one Who brought her up,
Can I ask you if,,,
If anything else happened
in those sessions that might have
disturbed you?
Oh my god,
I just told you the woman
had oatmeal between her ears,
She barely noticed me,
I mentioned that my brother was autistic,
That he took up a lot of my mother\'s time, And
she was like, "That must\'ve been hard for you,
Do you think you\'re angry at your brother?"
And I was like,
"I love my brother,
But I could throw you off a bridge right now, Bitch,"
I don\'t understand you people,
I thought I could come here and
you know, Somebody might actually listen to me
and instead,,,
All you want to do is waste my time talking about my first shrink
and what a fucking disaster she was,
I don\'t think we\'ve been wasting our time,
Of course you don\'t,
All right, Look,
It may seem to you like I\'m a bit slow on the uptake,
But I really have been listening,
And I think I know a little bit more now about
what\'s important to you,
You\'ve told me not to tell you things twice,
Not to feed you platitudes, Not to waste your time,
You\'ve told me that you\'re fiercely loyal to your family
and if I fail to engage you,
You\'ll disappear on me,
Even if I call you 87 times,
It wasn\'t really 87 times,
So,,,
So what have you come here to talk about?
How many people come to you with like
a really big problem?
Like what?
I don\'t know,,,
A death, A rape,
I don\'t know,
Anything that you tell me I can handle,
I wasn\'t raped, Don\'t worry,
I\'m trying to tell you, I just,,,
I can\'t get the words out of my mouth,
Can I write it down?
Of course,
How do you feel?
Tired,
What type of cancer is it?
You know what? I,,,
I don\'t really want to talk about it,
I just wanted to tell someone,
I have so much other shit on my mind right now,
This project is due in two weeks,
I have so much drafting to do,
Not to mention the model, Which I haven\'t even started,
I\'m so fucked,
Are you sleeping?
Not really, No,
I wake up in these cold sweats, They\'re pretty awful,
The whole bed is soaked,
Night sweats are apparently a very common symptom
of lymphoma,
And other things you never wanted to know,
So how long have you known?
Five weeks,
And
how did you find out?
I had a cough,
It was totally minor, But it wouldn\'t go away,
And it was embarrassing to be sitting in class coughing all the time,
So,,, I went to the health center
and they gave me antibiotics,
But they didn\'t help,
Which is not really a surprise because the health center is total shit,
We have this joke that
you could go in there bleeding profusely from your head
and if you\'re a woman, They\'ll give you a pregnancy test,
So,
You know, I figured I\'d suck it up
and whenever I finally talked to my dad he\'d tell me What to do,
Is he a doctor?
In the army,
He\'s supposed to be retired, But,,,
Now he\'s working With the V,A,,
And they\'re so understaffed, It\'s impossible to get him on the phone,
Anyway, Where am I?
You were talking about your cough,
Right,
So I couldn\'t reach my dad
and then,,,
I started having these awful night sweats,
So I went back to the center and guess what they did,
- What? - Accused me of taking diet pills
or cocaine, The doctors couldn\'t agree
on what controlled-substance abuse I was keeping from them,
So that was awesome,
Finally someone had the bright idea to
send me to Brooklyn Hospital to get a chest X-ray,
And then,,,
Well, The rest is history,
I have a big mass
behind my spine,
Don\'t ever get a bone-marrow biopsy, Okay?
Just tell them to find another way,
They do it in front of 10 medical students,
And they\'re all flirting with each other,
As if you\'re not even in the room, You know?
As if you\'re already dead
and it\'s an autopsy,
It sounds horrible,
Primary mediastinal large B-cell,
Non-Hodgkins lymphoma,
You\'ve met,,,
You\'ve met with an oncologist?
Yeah, The same day I was diagnosed,
Were you alone?
You didn\'t want anybody to go with you?
- Like who? - A friend,
- Or parent, - Hell no,
How did your mom and dad react when you told them that you were sick?
I haven\'t told them,
So who have you told?
You,
Me,
Anybody else?
A construction worker,
One of my biggest Pet peeves is,
When I\'m walking down the street, And some asshole at a building site
tells me to smile,
You know? Like, "Smile, Sweetheart,"
"It ain\'t that bad,"
So,,, You know, I\'ve always wanted
to say something back that would really shut those guys up,
So the other morning I was walking to school, And
this guy yells out,
"Hey, Doll face, Smile will you?
It\'s a beautiful morning,"
And I shouted back, "I have cancer!"
It was awesome,
Not really,
So the only people that you\'ve told
about this are
this construction worker and me?
I wanted to talk to someone who was
objective,
Someone who doesn\'t care what happens to me,
You care I\'m sure, Because you\'re a human being, But you won\'t like
get hysterical If I tell you that,,,
I don\'t know, That maybe I don\'t want to get treatment,
You know, Like if I tell you maybe I want to die right now,
Right here, On your couch, You\'re not gonna,,,
I don\'t know,,, Jump out The window, Right?
I just
need to think about all this for a moment,,,
Maybe see an herbalist, An acupuncturist or something,
Figure out what my options are before I start telling everyone
and managing the hysteria,
Who would become hysterical if you told them?
Your mother?
Your father?
And your brother?
Daniel doesn\'t get hysterical,
- Violent, But not hysterical, - Violent against whom?
What?
No, Nobody,
Himself,
Don\'t worry about it,,,
You seem to me to be really
independent,
And I can imagine that the idea of
accepting treatment
putting yourself in somebody else\'s hands,,,
I can imagine that that would be kind of scary,
I just told you I want to explore my options,,, Meditation, Yoga,,,
These are good Stress-Relievers,
But they\'re not gonna stop the progress of this disease,
Not according to Western medicine,
Did you come to me
looking for somebody to tell you that it\'s okay
not to get treatment?
Do,,, Do you smoke?
What?
Socially, A bit,
This isn\'t lung cancer,
There\'s an old adage,,,
A saying that
the reason that smokers don\'t believe a cigarette can kill them
is because a cigarette has never killed them before,
I don\'t understand,
I\'m wondering If you really
believe
that you have cancer,
I know I have cancer,
Yes, But do you believe what you know?
What else did the oncologist tell you?
She said that I was at stage three and I should start chemo immediately,
- Do you trust her? - No,
- Why not? - I just don\'t like her,
Could that possibly be because she was telling you
that you do have cancer?
I just told you I want to look into alternative medicine,
Maybe a homeopath,
Do you see any pattern between going to different therapists
and going to different doctors?
Did you tell the other therapist about your disease?
Why not?
I could tell she wasn\'t really interested in me,
- And how could you tell that? - She told me the same story twice,
You know, I\'ve been thinking about that story,
The man who needs assistance,,,
He refuses to ask and refuses to ask, And then
when he finally has no other choice he goes up to the cop, But
instead of asking for help,
He assumes the cop is going to insult him,
So,
He insults himself before the cop has a chance to say a word,
I think it\'s really the story of a man
who\'s undergoing an intense internal conflict,
A man who has a hard time
trusting other people,
It was just a joke,
But I\'m just wondering if she told it twice for a reason,
Is it possible, Do you think, That she really was listening to you?
- She was a moron, - That might be true,
But she may have been trying to tell you that
it\'s okay to rely on other people,
That it\'s okay to ask for help,
- This is ridiculous, - Everybody at some point
in their lives needs help, And I think that
- you need help now, - You haven\'t heard a word I\'ve said,
I think you need to have a conversation that takes place outside your own head,
I think that you need to talk to your oncologist,
I think you need to tell her that you\'re considering alternative therapies,
I think you need to ask her how she thinks you should proceed,
- And you do need to tell your parents, - Just stop it,
- You\'re at stage three, - Stop it, Stop it,
Stop it,
How dare you tell me what to do? You do not know me,
What, Did you formulate your little theory as soon as I walked in?
"Young girl, Cancer,,, This is an easy one,"
You have no idea what I am capable of,
You\'re right, I don\'t,
- Would you like to tell me? - You know, I,,,
I have to go,,, Our time\'s up,
April, I\'m sorry that you felt I was telling you what to do
before I\'ve gotten to know you, But
but I do think that we should schedule another session,
Let me think about it,
How is friday,,, Friday afternoon?
You know, I actually,,, I don\'t have my schedule this week,
I\'ll call you when I get back to the dorm,
When do you think that will be? I don\'t know,
This time is very crucial,
- So I hear, - So,,,
- What about the session? - I\'ll call you, Okay?
Thank you,