You're going back and forth,
You never go back and forth with a mop,
You go side to side to side,
Where did you learn to mop?
You filled out an application,
Didn't I ask you when you took this job?
"I know how to mop, Yes, I know how to mop,"
But you don't, You don't,
This is how we mop at home,
Well, it's not how we mop here, lad,
It is not how we mop here, all right?
Yes, Mr, Crolick,
Side to side to side,
And not too much soap,,, that's expensive,
My life does not suck,
I've pictured this moment before,
Over and over again,
I saw it all very clear,
Today is the last day of summer,
I'll be committing some terrible acts,
You'll most likely hear about me on the news,
You'll talk about me and hear my actions,
Shocked, terrified, disgusted even,
But I won't feel sorry, Not ever,
Today is the day that I strike back,
That's what I thought,
Hello?
Hello? Excuse me,
Yup,
I'd like a room please,
Is that your rig out there blocking the driveway?
I didn't park, I don't drive,
You don't drive?
No, I don't drive, I don't have a car, man,
Anyway, uh, 34 is ready, She's all cleaned out,
That'll be $59,64, and I need your driver's license,
Shit!
No, no, no, my friend,
I'm telling you this is the best one on the market for your money,
I don't know,
Looks kind of used, Is it used?
Oh no, my friend, I took it out of the box this morning,
That is why there's some scratches on there,
Let me,,,
I can fix that for you,
I'm so careless,
Perfect! Like never happened,
And for you, I put in a brand-new video memory card,,,
for free,
Free?
Free! Free, no charge,
You can have it, Just don't try to take it out,
It,,, it's a little bit stuck, but it is not really a problem,
Stuck? What do you mean, "stuck"?
Stuck-stuck, it won't come out,
But y-you don't need to take it out,
You stupid boy, not too quick in the brain,
You cannot take it out, but you don't need to take it out,
It's good to go,
You want to make movie, you need the video memory card inside,
You make a movie,
Stop touching, You want to buy, you buy,
Asshole,
Oh, yeah,
One size fits all, my ass!
Listen up, this is Joe,
I'm a soldier of my destiny,
I rule my destiny,
And my destiny is,,,
I'm Joe,
Listen up, you degenerates you,
This is Joe, and I'm the soldier of my own destiny,
My destiny,
And,,, and I'm tired of you degenerates telling me what to do,
You,,, you degenerates,
Today, I'm going to teach the world a lesson,
Today, I rule my own destiny,
Today is the day that Joe is going to show the world
what he is capable of, with this,
Fuck, Where's the,,,?
Goddamn,,,
On this historic day, I will blow out your brain,
and the blood will wash away your sins,
My life does not suck,
How many more years can I deny this?
It does fucking suck,
I am a failure, That's what society has labeled me to be,
A meaningless nothing,
A meaningless stain smacked against the brick wall
we call society,,,
similar to these mustard stains on the ceiling,
I think it's mustard,
Anyway, it wasn't always bad,
Middle school was okay,
High school, that's when it got bad, but I won't go into detaiI on that,
I never really went back to school,
Instead, I took matters into my own hands,
After a few years of various odd jobs,
I decided to get into business,
The retaiI business was going sour after a rapid market decline,
That's when I got into my true passion,,, entertainment,
I struck up a partnership with my first rapper
and got him on the right track towards a record deal,
That's Timmy, the rapper,
# Yeeeaaah #
# Back on a block like a flock of birds #
# Ohhh #
# In the Ferrari, gettin' away from the popos #
# That's how I roll #
# Switchin' the speeds, I change the lanes #
# Faster than the buses and the airplanes #
Yes, I killed that one,
Yeah, Word, my dawg,
Uh, hey, listen, Uh, can we do it again?
Just maybe this time just a little faster, al right?
Uh, yeah, word, yeah,
I just wanted that shit to sound real clear,
Oh, yeah, it was,,, it was clear, dawg,
Um, but let me just check with my sound engineer,
Hey, engineer, was that clear?
Yo, Joey!
Joey, was that clear?
Uh, yeah, that's clear, yeah,
Hey, yeah, um, so it was clear,
So let's take it one more time,
but this time, like I said, let's just do it a little faster,
I'm gonna make my peeps proud,
Okay, Um, good,
Uh, engineer, go!
Artist, go!
# I'm gonna murder this track, motherfucker! #
I murdered that motherfucker beat, I told you, man,
The entertainment business
didn't welcome me with open arms,
so I had to get into the food industry,,,
the bottom of the food chain, so to speak,
Gregory!
Gregory, how many times do I have to tell you
when the toilet is plugged up like that,
you have to get in there and clean it thoroughly?
Do you read me?
You have to get in there and clean out all the feces,
Every little bit of it,,, every kernel of corn that's stuck to the rim,
Get the feces!
Yes, Mr, Crolick,
Don't Mr, Crolick me, Get the feces!
And it all went downhill from there,
If you ever finish with that, I need you to start on the ceilings,
I'm supposed to clean the ceilings?
I'm pretty sure I just said that,
Of course you're supposed to clean the ceilings,
Look at them, They're filthy,
You are not the sharpest tool on the workbench, are you, lad?
What's going on in here, lad?
Uh, just a little clog, Mr, Crolick, I'm on it,
Oh, clog? Well, come on, we haven't got all month here,
Dig deeper, Get some strength into it,
I'm trying, sir, There seems to be something in there,
Oh, get,,, use your shoulder, Come on,
Come on, get down in there,
Use your shoulder, Get it all in there,
That's it! There you go!
That's how you clear a toilet,
That wasn't the end of it,
One day Crolick did something I'll never forget,
Lad! Hey, lad!
Yes, Mr, Crolick?
Ah, everybody! Everybody listen up!
I understand that today is your birthday,
Yes, sir, it is,
Well, I got something for you,
Tada!
Go on, go on, open it,
Now you got a chance to work your way up
to the Employee of the Month Board, aye?
Well, go get the feces!
I think he really liked it,
I hope so, I can't take it back once he's used it,
That was it, I had to do something,
After 20 minutes on the internet, I located a couple of guys,
They were supposed to be the real deal,
I am Black Harry,
That is Yuri,
Yuli?
Yuri!
Hi, Yuri,
Are you Antonio?
Are you a police officer?
No,
Lift your top,
What?
Lift your top now!
Now drop your bottom,
What?
Bottoms down!
Okay, Okay,
Desert Eagle Magnum from Israel,
Is that an Uzi?
Fully auto, 9P,
Do you want to see something bigger?
Yes,
All right, I'll take those four and the machine gun,
Do you want the bullets?
The bullets don't come with it?
Well, how much are they?
How much do you have?
$137,
And 90 cents,
You can have the junior,
A junior,,,
,,,for a junior,
All right, I'll take it,
But I want the bullets,
After a long discussion with myself,
my mind was set,
It was time to strike back,
I just couldn't let them get away with it anymore,
No more laughing,
No more pushing me around,
No more of this,
This is my time,
My time to show them,
Fuck them all!
All of them,
I don't care, Fuck 'em!
Happy birthday, kid!
Today is the day I strike back,
Today is the day that I make my mark,
Today is the day that you're all gonna stop and ask, "Why"?
Yeah, Joey, it's me,
Look, um, I need a quick favor, all right?
No, Joey, I'm not at the arcade,
I need you to focus for just,,, for just two seconds, okay?
Now, listen, I need you to get me the mailing address
to CNN News, you got that?
CNN News,
Because I need it,
Because I do,
Look, Joey, Just get your ass on the internet,
type in CNN, and call me back,
Hello?
All right, hold on,
And that's CNN?
Damn, what took you so long?
All right, fine, whatever, Thanks,
No, not today,
Because,
Just listen, Joey,
I may not be seeing you for a while or something like that, and um,,,
And,,, and I just want you to know
that you've always been there for me, and,,,
No!
What,,, what part of "no" makes you think
I wanna fuckin' go to Fun City with you?
I'm never going to Fun City with you ever a-fuckin'- gain!
You fuckin' retarded retard!
Hi,
Hello,
I'd like to send this,
You filled out the wrong form there,
This is for international shipments,
Get one of those blue forms,
Actually, we are out of those blue forms,
I'm gonna get you one,
Fill out this blue form here and bring it back to me in a second,
Yeah, um, okay,
Um, I'm in kind of a hurry, so I you can just take this,
and,,, and, uh, bend the rules this one time, I'd appreciate it,
No can do, sorry,
Just fill out that form,
Uh, it'll only take a minute, Bring it back to me,
Okie-dokie?
Fucking coward,
Pardon?
I'm sorry, what?
- Did you just call me a coward? - Huh?
A fucking coward? Did you just do that?
Answer me, little man!
Did you just get the nerve to call me a fucking coward?
Huh, you little penciI stick! You little titty-licker!
Uh, can you give me the location of a shipment service
within a 5-mile radius please?
You don't have one closer?
Coleslaw, Coke, 21,
Gregory!
What are you doing here? I thought I fired you,
My favorite turd wrangler,
Here, I figured out what sign you are,,,
Sagittarius with feces rising,
Did you want something?
He's on drugs or something,
Probably forgot his plunger,
You fuckin' pussy! You fuckin' pussy coward!
Come on, come on,
Just pull the trigger, Just pull it,
Look what they've done to you,
Just go out there and make it right, Just pull the trigger,
Come on! Come on!
You're gonna do this, You're gonna make it right,
Come on,
Where are my buns?
I want soft buns, and I want them today,
No, I called you two weeks ago,
and the ones that you sent were hard as rock,
I don't like hard buns,
I like soft buns, and I need them now, all right?
No, I am not getting excited,
Now, Not tomorrow, not next week, now, Thank you,
Did she just look at me?
Excuse me? Miss!
Miss, excuse me!
Hello?
Hi,
Hi, I'm not interested,
What do you mean you're not interested?
Um, I just wanted,,,
I'm not interested,
Oh, hey, listen, I just,,,
I'm sorry,
I know this is weird, but I saw you in there,
and you were looking at me, and I looked at you,
so I just thought I would just come out and say hello,
Can I help you? Do you need something?
Why, do you have a boyfriend or something?
Is that why you don't want to talk to me?
Listen, hey, it's just like, you know,,,
That's kind of rude,
Yeah, I am so happy you called just now
because the skinniest, tallest little man
is standing by me and trying to talk to me,
I think he's trying to ask me out,
That's not nice,
You're being rude,
I'm just,,, all I wanted to do is,,,
All right, that's enough now, okay?
I'm just trying to be nice to you,
You don't let people be nice to you, I don't,,,
- You know what? - All right,
No, listen, You listen to me now,
Look at all these people looking at you,
- Nobody can see me, - Listen to me,
Listen,,, listen,,, listen to me, Listen to me, listen to me,
All right, All I wanted was to talk to you for two seconds,
and you can't even let me talk to you for two seconds,
but you're going to because I have this,
and we're gonna walk,
And if you try to get away from me,,,
Okay, let's walk,
Look at all these people looking at you right now,
Hi,
Oh, you're right, I'm doing this wrong,
Now,
We're walking towards the restaurant,
Look how natural we look together, We look good together,
We're gonna walk past the restaurant,
and we're gonna talk for just two minutes,,, just two minutes,
You can't talk to me for two minutes, what's wrong with you?
How drunk are you?
Aah!
You just shut up, bitch, You just shut up,
Don't you scream, or I'll shoot out both your fucking eyeballs,
Okay, okay,
Goddamn it!
Just tell me, Just fucking tell me,
Did you or did you not give me a sign?
You did, right? You gave me a sign!
Oh, you didn't! I knew you didn't!
Oh, I'm just a fucking idiot,
I always get this shit wrong when it comes to girls,
I always fucking get,,,
Don't you move, bitch! Don't you move!
See, I'm trying to be nice to you,
and you fuckin' wanna run away and tell on me?
I had a fucking plan, You fucked this up for me,
You're a fuckin' seducer, that's what you are!
This is your fault!
I was just eating my fuckin' lunch, and you looked at me first!
I didn't look at you!
Fuck! The fucking cops! Did you call them?
I didn't call the cops,
You're right, You could,,, you could not have called the cops,
Somebody called the cops, though, didn't they?
This is what we're gonna do,
We're gonna walk, It's not very far, We're gonna walk out of here,
Yes, we are, We're gonna fuckin' walk,
and if you move or if you scream, I'm gonna shoot you in the face,
Okay, let's go,
I don't fucking give a shit about shit,
- Where are we going? - Don't talk, or I'll shoot you,
Eyes forward,
Don't make this hard on me, I'm having a very bad day,
Sir, please just let me go,
I swear to God I'm not gonna tell anybody anything about you,
I don't even know you,
Do I look like an idiot to you?
Stop looking so nervous, You're so damn obvious,
Don't you move, or I'll shoot you,
The key doesn't work
Stop! Come back here!
You stabbed me, bitch!
Come on, Come here,
Don't make me shoot you, lady,
Please!
I'm sorry,
Okay, So walk,
And don't you fucking try to move,
Okay,
- Please let me go, - I can't let you go,
- Just let me go, - I can't, You'll tell on me,
No!
So you think this is the guy,,, Gregory?
Well, I'm not actually saying that,
I'm actually implying that it could be him,
I mean, those could be his bullets there,
So you think that it might be him?
Right, yeah, Well, I,,, that's what I'm implying,
I'm just,,, I'm not really saying it, You know,
So, you're making an implication but you're not actually saying it?
Yeah, yeah,
Well, you know we can't make an arrest
solely on your implications, right?
Oh, man, I fuckin' blew it,
This is great,
Fuck,
Fuck!
Just when everything was gonna happen,
I fuckin' blew it, I blew it,
Now a fuckin' hostage,
What the fuck am I gonna do with a hostage?
Goddamn it, What a fuckin' mess,
Fuck,
Do you think this is gonna get infected?
Hello?
Time's up!
What?
Half a day is gone, Pay up or be gone,
Oh, shit! I only paid for half a day?
Oh, shit,
Hey, can I borrow 30 bucks?
Come on, Are you comin'?
Fuck,
Jesus Christ! How long are you gonna make me stand out here?
Listen, I'm gonna go pay this man, and if you scream,,,
Look, you got to pay if you want to stay,
That's the way that it works,
I don't make the rules, I just got to pay the bills,
The only way I can pay the bills is if you give me money,
So if you're staying, give me money, If you're going, get the hell out,
So is there anything else that you could tell us about him?
What was his position?
He was a,,,
You got to get one more out!
Part-time custodian,
And you fired him because,,,?
I fired him because he couldn't do the toilets,
- The toilet? - The toilets,
He truly didn't care about his position,
I didn't have a choice in the matter,
So you let him go because he couldn't clean the toilets?
Yes,
Thanks,
I'll pay you back, I promise,
This really isn't like me,
All this stuff,,, especially with money,
I promise I will pay you back, I don't like to borrow,
So please, what are you gonna do?
Listen, you know, if you wanna rob the place,
I really don't care,,, I swear to God,
You mean the restaurant?
Yeah, I swear to God, I won't tell anyone,
Shit,
Why couldn't you just say hi to me?
What's so hard about saying hi to somebody?
I don't talk to strangers, I'm sorry,
Well, I'm Joe,
And you are?
Linda,
Linda, what is that, like a nickname or something?
What?
Yeah, On your license, when I was paying that guy,
I saw in your license it said Stephanie,
So, which one do you prefer?
Do you prefer Linda or do you prefer Stephanie?
Stephanie is fine,
So why do you have a license anyway?
I noticed you didn't have a car,
It's in the shop, It's being repainted,
Yeah, mine, too,
Sir,
Joe, please just let me go, okay?
I have a 5-year-old son at home, and he's alone,
and I have to go be with him,
Please,
You have a 5-year-old son?
Really?
What's his name?
Brandon,
Why didn't you have any pictures of him in your wallet?
What do you mean?
What the fuck do you take me for?
Do you think I'm a fuckin' idiot?
- So I guess we're done, - Yeah,
Wait a minute, Hold,,,
Now, hang on, what about me?
What about you?
I could be in danger here,
I mean, who knows what this kid is capable of,
Kids these days? Come on,
But we absolutely have no proof that he dropped those bullets,
No threat, no motive,
so we can't officially charge anyone,
What are you implying?
- No, we're saying it, - You know what?
I think you should just relax and just go on with your day,
Try a little chamomile tea,
Okay,
What am I doing?
Should I just run?
Yeah, I'm gonna just run,
What about her?
Who is she gonna tell?
Yeah, she'll tell,
Oh, pussy,
No!
Miss?
Oh, Oh, shit,
I've never hit a girl before,
Never really hit a dude either,
Now I hit a girl before a guy, Fuck,
Not a good way to start a relation,,, or friendship,
No, I don't know,
What the hell do I call it? An interaction?
I brought you a snack,
What? No appetite?
Okay,
Excuse me,
- Mr, Crolick, - Gosh!
Jason, Come on, kid,
Come here, come here, come here, Over here, over here,
- The bathrooms are cleaned, sir, - Are they?
- Yeah, - Good,
You,,, you sure looked like you're doing a good job,
Oh, well,
Listen, Hey, Jason, you seen,,,?
Have you seen anything suspicious going on around here?
Well, in one of the toilets I saw an unusually large,,,
No, no, not that, not that,
I mean, around here,
- Here? - Yeah,
Never mind, Never mind,
Listen, you are a fine boy,
You really are,
I'm proud of you, lad,
- You keep up the good work, - Okay, sir,
- All right? - Yeah,
- Take care, - Okay, All right,
Atatat, go this way, this way,
- Right, - Okay,
Right you are,
Oh, Jesus,
Sorry,
Oh, you work at a hospital,
What are you? A doctor?
Listen, I'm really sorry about hitting you,
But what else was I supposed to do?
I mean, you're coming at me with a knife,
Please take this off,
What?
Let me go,
Are you gonna rape me?
What?
No, I'm not gonna rape you, I'm not a sicko,
Joe, I really don't care what you do,
I really don't care if you rob that place,
I promise I'm not gonna tell anyone,
Joe, I give you my word, okay?
I swear to God I'm not gonna tell anyone,
Honestly, I don't even know what you look like,
Yeah, I suppose I have one of those unrememberable faces,
That's not what I meant,
People don't get me, you know,
When I was 7 years old, I thought that I would own the world,
you know what I mean?
I mean not really, not literally,
but I really thought I was on to something big,
But I wasn't,
Red Star Buffet,
That sounds nice, Is it fancy?
Oh, looks like I'm not the only criminal in the house,
Whip it up with miracle mix,
I did,
More miracle mix, please,
Mr, Crolick, I already made a whole batch,
Don't "Mr, Crolick" me, Just do as I say,
More miracle mix,
People, listen up,
My meat will not be taken for granted in this kitchen,
When we're dealing with my meat, we always use an extender,
This is good, This is really good,
I don't really smoke that much,
Me neither,
It calms me down,
- Yeah? - Yeah,
Well, it easily makes me paranoid,
Really?
No, not really,
But seriously, can I ask you something?
Why didn't you talk to me when I approached you earlier?
You,,, you can tell me the truth, I won't get mad, I promise,
You know, honestly, it has nothing to do with you, It's me,
No, don't say that, Come on,
I don't know, Maybe it's your voice,
My voice?
The way you were talking, It was kind of weird at first,
I think I smelled something,
Was it me?
I don't smell anything,
Can I ask you something?
Why'd you decide to approach me?
I told you, I thought we had a moment,
you know, the way we looked at each other,
I was just trying to be spontaneous,
I'll never do that again,
Do you hear that?
Where is that coming from?
From the tub, I think,
You're gonna break it,
I don't care, This isn't my house,
Shit!
Shit, that's big!
Ken, working hard, I see,
Chopping onions,
Chop, chop,
Really slowly,
Hey listen, Ken, have you, uh,,,
have you seen anything out of the ordinary here lately?
I don't know,
No, I mean, anything out of the normal, let's say,
I don't know,
Have you seen Gregory today?
Not today, I saw him yesterday, but I didn't see him today,
Right,
You're happy working here, aren't you?
I mean you're a happy worker, right?
It's okay,
Not disgruntled in the least?
Yeah,
I like,,, I like working here, too,
Great job, Great, great job, Good benefits,
All right, Well, listen, it's been great rappin' with you,
and, uh, you carry on, okay?
Catch you on the flip-flop,
I'm just one of the guys,
Right, Carry on,
Say something cool,
Come on,
Nah, wait,
Just be natural,
You don't have to think at all,
Just don't try so hard, Just be smooth,
Oh, no, Let her talk, She'll think of something,
Nah,
Think of something cool,
I,,,
I always felt bad for the lobsters,
You know the lobsters in those big glass sinks in the supermarket?
They're just in there piled on top of each other,
This one time, me and Joey, my friend,
we got obliterated, and we went down there,
and we were staring at them,
and I kept thinking, "I wonder what they're thinking," you know?
I mean, they're in there,
and they can see us through those glass walls,
and we must look like giants to them,
Then they're just there and just hanging out,
waiting for their turn to go into the pot,
What a life,
Man,
Hey, Joe,
Yeah?
What are you gonna do?
I don't know,
What are you gonna do with me?
I don't know,
We could talk,
Do you wanna just talk?
I'm so tired,
I'm just really, really tired,
Of everything, you know,
I'm just so tired,
I wrote a book once,
You did?
Yeah,
That's cool, What was it about?
Well, it's a novel,
and, um, the main character,,, he, um,,, he has this dream
of building the worlïs tallest building, this tower,
only he has all this opposition,
Everybody's trying to mess up his plans,
and he doesn't know who his enemies are,
But he also doesn't know who his friends are either
because people keep shifting identities, and,,,
Well, it had some sci-fi elements to it,
That's cool,
Yeah,
What'd you do with it?
I sent it to a few publishers,
What did they say?
They sent me back letters,
It said something like, um, they couldn't read it
because it was unsolicited material or some shit like that,
whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean,
Fucking cowards, I hate fucking cowards,
Like, Mr, Crolick, for instance,
Who's that?
He's my boss at that burger joint,
Get the feces!
Like, he made me stick my arms up to my elbows in toilet bowls,
He's fucking sick,
Did you quit?
Almost,
On the day I decided to quit, he fired me,
Damn it, Gregory, I've had it right up to here with you,
Right up to here,
You were the worst employee I have ever had,
and you're out of here,
You hear me? Gone,
Ah, he's the king of assholes,
This one time he put up a picture of me
right up next to the Employee of the Month
with a big sign underneath that read,
"Gregory Wilks, a lazy, incompetent employee," '
He wanted to make an example out of me or something,
Out of me, like, for what? What did I ever do to him?
Did you just say Gregory Wilks?
Yeah, Gregory fucking Wilks,
Joe's my nickname,
Well, not really, I just call myself that,
I like how it sounds,
Did you go to Stevenson High?
I don't really like to talk about high school,
I went to Stevenson High,
So, wait, are you, like, the Gregory Wilks?
Yeah, why?
Oh, my God,
You're the guy that got caught jerking off in study hall,
I've heard that story, like, a million times, You're a legend,
Can you just do me a favor?
Can you just humor me for a second,
and can you just tell me your version of this, please?
So many facts about that story have gotten twisted around,
Yeah,
I mean, I barely even got started,
All right,
- No, no, listen to me, - Okay,
I was,,, it was a study hall,
and everybody was on a field trip that day,
I was alone, I was all by myself, and I barely even,,,
And well, no, listen,
And later I found out that there was a hidden camera in that classroom,
I have a solid case against it,
- Gregory, I'm sorry, - Cut it out,
- It's not funny, you're right, - Shut up,
It's really fucking funny,
Shut up! Shut the fuck up!
I could shoot you in the face!
Do you know how fucking embarrassing that was for me?
My parents thought I was a freak,
The school played them the video tape
as if me admitting to it wasn't enough,
They said I needed therapy,
Therapy? For what?
Fuck therapy, and fuck you,
and fuck all of this, and fuck my,,, fuck!
Oh, goddamnit!
God!
Oh, fuck!
Fuck!
Can I see it?
No! Get away from me!
Let me see it, I'm a nurse's aide, Come on,
I broke it, I fuckin' know I did, I fuckin' broke it,
Hey, where are you goin'?
Oh, God!
Come here,
Put it in there,
Just let it cool for a second,
Oh, God,
I broke it, I know I fuckin' broke it, I know I did,
Does this hurt?
Yes!
Okay,
Hello?
Yeah, Yeah, Ma,
No,
No, Ma, I don't know,
No, No, I won't be home for dinner,
Because I won't,
Yes, I have my key, Yes,
I can handle it, all right?
Sorry,
You live at home?
Yeah,
Like, with your whole family,
like, your mom and your dad and everyone?
My dad, my mom, my sister, my older brother, our dog Steve,
It's really embarrassing, right?
It's kind of cool actually, I'm a little jealous,
I wish I lived with my parents, you know,
My dad left, like, pretty soon after I was born,
so I don't really know him,
So it was just me and my mom, you know,
So my mom was, like, my best friend, you know,
It's just me and her,
And then, um, when I was 14, she died, so,,,
And then I lived with my aunt, and I finished high school there,
She, um,,, we didn't get along,
So you're kind of lucky, just so you know,
What did she die of?
She had cancer,
I'm sorry, It's none of my business,
It's fine,
How is it with your family?
All right, I guess,
Do they know that you run around with a gun
trying to rob a fast food restaurant?
No, They wouldn't think I had the balls to do that
in a million years,
They think I'm just,,, mediocre,
I mean, I always wanted to do something,
You know, something to show them
that I'm man enough to actually do something with my life,
That I'm not,,,
that I'm not worthless,
Yeah, that's the word I was looking for,,, worthless,
I just,,, I just don't want them to think that I'm a pussy,
I think they think I'm stupid or something,
I don't think they think that,
No, I mean, I did try to do something,
I really, really did,
I mean, sometimes good stuff just doesn't happen to people,
I mean, maybe if I had a little luck, but I didn't,
and,,, and so things just didn't work out like I planned,
Why don't you write another book?
Ha-ha-ha, Yeah, that's funny,
Don't make me laugh,
No, I'm serious,
I mean, do you think your parents will love you more
if you become a career criminal and get shot?
At least they'll know I'm not a coward,
Can I see your hand?
Ow, Can you help me?
Well, I tied you up good,
Let me see,
Shit!
You don't dick with the Crolick,
Are you talking to me?
You must be talking to me, 'cause I'm the only Crolick here,
Are you talking to me?
Yeah, watch yourself,
You want piece of me? You want a piece of me?
Would you like several pieces of me?
Yeah, Yeah, mister!
Take that, Yeah!
I almost had a heart attack when you came to me with that knife,
Which time?
The second time, The first one, I didn't see coming,
Well, what did you expect?
I thought you're, like, the hitcher or something,
- The hitcher? - Uh-huh,
You're the one who almost took my head off with that machete,
You're the one who kidnaps me,
Yeah? Well, you're the one who couldn't even say hello to me,
- You looked creepy, - I thought we had a moment,
You put a gun in my hip,
Yeah, I was going through a rough patch,
You were under a lot of pressure,
Plus, I probably stank,
Is that a mustard stain?
It could be,
Somebody should really clean the ceilings in these places,
How do you clean a ceiling?
That's what I'm trying to figure out,
Oh, shit!
I never a minute of peace,
Enter!
Mr, Crolick,
We had a little malfunction in the bathrooms,
but I took care of it, sir,
There's no problemo,
Yeah, well, I used my best instincts just like you instructed me, sir,
Very good, lad, Very, very good, Jason,
So, what you doin', sir?
I'm making a shank,
I'm reading the,,, the paper, That's all,
Well, if you, uh, check the lavatory, sir,
check them for leaks,
You know, leaks, Little bathroom humor,
Sorry,
Good, It's good, That's a good one,
No, you know what, I'm gonna do that later, Thank you, Jason,
Very well, sir,
Great,
Go away, Jason,
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Sorry, All right, See you,
Good grief!
Stool,
You know what I hate? What?
The guys who are on MTV who are always bragging
about their cribs and their hoes and their grills,
I don't understand little ketchup packs,
Why did they make them so small?
You have to use 20 ketchup packs just to eat a thing of French fries,
It's a waste, It's a waste of plastic, I'm just saying,
- Oh, you know what I don't get? - What?
Dudes with ponytails,
You know what I don't get?
Soft-core porn,
You know, it's like two hours of a bad story
mixed in with 15 minutes of fake sex and bad acting,
Why do you have a camera?
Can I see it?
Yeah, go ahead,
I mean, there's no tape in it,
You know what I don't get?
Laid,
This is Joe, - That's a good one,
Today, I'm the ruler of my destiny,
Today, I make justice my way,
With this, I'll make your blood spill,
and you'll forever remember what you have all done to me,
Give me that!
- This is Joe, - Fuck!
This is Joe, This is Joe,
Oh, fuck!
Fucking memory card,
You weren't gonna rob the place, were you?
I was watching this show on the Discovery Channel
about taboos,
On the Taiwanese food market, you can buy stuff
like pig brains and, like, dog testicles and snakes and stuff,
Yeah, I think I saw it,
It's pretty creepy, huh?
Yeah,
Yeah, Kind of like me,
I don't know what to do,
I just feel all this pressure,
I remember when my mom died,
I remember sitting in a bathtub filled with water,,,
,,,holding the plugged-in hairdryer over the water,
I was holding it by the wire,
Just holding it,
I don't know what I was thinking,
The weird thing is it wasn't even about my mom,
I just kind of wanted everything to just stop, you know,
Just,,, just be quiet for a second,
You know what I mean?
I know the feeling,
I'm sorry,
Yeah,
# Another lazy afternoon #
# I know you think it's time for me to do some moving #
# But it's hard to get started and dust my broom #
# My broom has passed by for several times now #
# This day is just one out of many #
# You know I am lazy so stop telling me so #
It's nice out tonight,
It's the last day of summer,
Yeah, But we still have fall,
So how's your,,,?
It should be gone by next Friday,
How's your,,,?
Um, it's all right, I guess,
Doesn't hurt anymore,
Good,
Yeah,
So, how about dinner sometime?
Maybe tomorrow?
Yeah, I know,
Well, I've got to get rid of this, so,,,
Stephanie,
# Oh, I can live without #
# I can live without a thought #
# Of going home #
# Oh, I can see it hurts #
# I can see whatever is in there #
# I can change my clothes #
# I can change my everything #
# To make your mind speak #
# I wish you were right here #
# I wish you were just every day with me #
# Here I go #
# On my own #
# Well, that's better than waiting #
# Here I go #
# On my own #
# Must be better than waiting #
# I could hold your hand #
# I could hold your hand real tight #
Gregory,
Crolick,
How are you, pal?
What are you,,,?
What are you doin' around these parts?
Hey, would you like a late dinner?
I think we have some leftovers,
Meatloaf, I think,
Listen, uh, I always thought that you were a great employee,
But, you know, there,,, there's always room for creative criticism,
Creative criticism,
Yeah, Well it's, you know,,,
It's an important part of being a boss,
You made me dive into a fucking toilet bowl,
Yeah, well, these are decisions that I have to live with,
Would you, uh,,, would you like your old job back?
My job back?
Yeah, uh, um, dishwasher,
I could upgrade you to dishwasher or potato peeler, That's even better,
Anything higher than that, we got to retrain you,,,
- Shut up, - Okay,
Hey, Crolick, how are your toilet bowls now?
They're fine, They're very good, We have a new lad,
Oh, God,
Do you want to make a move on me now, huh?
No,
Do you want to order me around now?
No, I don't,
Yeah, that's right,
You can't make me do shit,
You got that?
I hate you, Crolick,
I hate you because you're an asshole,
And I'm not gonna fuck up my life over you, lad,
Gregory, listen, L,,,
- My name is Joe, - Of course,
I hate the name Gregory, I always have, It's fuckin' stupid,
I agree, That's a stupid name,
I'm Joe,
And you can go flush yourself,
No,
You know what, Crolick?
You're not the problem, man,
You might be the biggest asshole in the world,
but you're not my problem,
Nice work, Crolick,
Pussy,
Shit,
# A sucker punch could land him to his knees #
# So count two, three, four #
# Count two, three, four #
# Amy had her friends and her sweet, sweet delinquents #
# To help her fall away from you #
# A six string is waiting for you #
# To steal the moment and blaze your entry #
My name is Gregory a,k,a, Joe,
My life doesn't not suck,
# Count two, three, four #
# Wrap the silver question around your head #