You Okay?
It's that cheap toilet roll you buy, I'm sore,
- What about the grass? - What grass?
Under Sarah's window, It looks like an elephant trampled it,
I haven't seen any elephants,
Why is it so dark in here? I can't see my hand in front of my face,
- Morning, - Hey,
- Who's that? - Mr, Boedecker,
- I help Sarah with math, - Yes, math, Great!
Okay, With math, right,
Yes, hypotenuse, the catheter,,,
The catheter?
Cathetus, The adjacent side,
- And the Pythagorean theorem? - Yes, the theorem,
- That is also immanently important, -Immanently important?
I think it's great, but I'm better at grammar than math,
Are you joking?
Let me guess, In order to explain the link between hypotenuse and cathetus,
you tread through my altai fescue,
- Your what? - Fescue, Fescue!
Atlas fescue, Festuca mairei,
A very expensive and sensitive Kazakh grass,
And then you climb up my house,
I,,, I didn't want to ring the doorbell so late,
And despite being told that my daughter needs help with math,
she doesn't need help with climbing,
- Dad,,, - Nils, Pull yourself together,
You are such a tray,
- A tray? - Nils, stop it,
And not from a sexually active teenager, with a considerable age difference,
No, I'm just two weeks older,
I can see that,
- Are you nuts? - Can't we just have breakfast in peace?
- He always starts it, -"He" is your father,
Not if it were up to me, you,,,
ass Kermit,
- Goodbye, Mr, Boedecker, - Let's go,
She threw a roll at me,
- She must have had a reason, Morning, - Morning, darling,
No phones at breakfast,
Put it away, It's rude,
If you want to land girls, maybe you should "straighten" your look,
Looked in the mirror lately? Last time you got any, cells weighed 20 kilos,
- You're lucky to have Mom, - I'd never put spray in my hair,
- Girls do that, - You don't have any hair,
- Try with these, - I don't need them,
Did they soak it in water? It's just,,,
Large font, They know it's for,,,
- You try, -,,,people in their late forties,
"Dear Nils, we sat our finals 30 years ago,
So, I'd like to invite you to a class reunion,
Everyone has been given a task, Yours is to give the closing speech,"
A speech, That's all I need,
- Where are you'? - Second row, third from the left,
There,
Cute,
What happened to your face?
20 years of working in an office, with my ass on an air cushion,
a mortgage I won't pay off before I die,
and kids who know nothing about authority,
Amen, Maybe you need to "straighten" up your self-pity,
It might help,
Jette,
If you met me today for the first time,
just as I am now,
would you fall in love with me again?
What do you see?
I see the man whom I married,
- It's the wrinkles, right? Crow's feet? - Crow's feet?
Or is it my butt?
- It used to be firmer, - Your butt was never firmer,
And I like it just the way it is,
You need to pick up the car, I'm so excited,
Don't forget the urologist,
How could I?
Your new Hyundai Tucson,
First of all, congratulations,
Of course, we recommend comprehensive cover for our new cars,
Is it more expensive?
Of course, but you are also covered for vandalism,
and damages caused by personal fault,
I've driven for 25 years without an accident,
Take a look, We're just looking at 10,24 euro more,
- Per year? - Per month,
Partial cover would be fine,
- Are you sure? - Quite sure,
Good, The keys,
I hope you're not making a mistake,
I will need a comb,
Why should I go to a class reunion? What should I talk about?
"We all had great dreams, Now, we have varicose veins",
You have hemorrhoids, It's common for men of your age,
It's the cheap toilet paper, It's so rough,
Maybe,
I'll take a look at the inside,
I will now put my finger in your anus, An erection is normal,
I will not get an erection!
Maybe you won't,,,
It's a joke, Nils, Relax,
Relax,
Why aren't we like wine?
Why don't we get better with age?
We start falling apart before we reach 50,
We can't read the menu at a restaurant, we have water in our knees,
and when we bend over, we get lumbago,
I can't get my finger out if you're tense,
This isn't one of my hobbies,
Was it as nice for you as it was for me?
A gift for you,
Could you also give me something for depression?
- Pills won't help your condition, - What's my condition?
- You're old and feel shit, like us all, - What should I do?
Apply the ointment,
I never thought we'd fuck again,
- We already have? - Yes, dummy, Lake Festival in Graz,
In 2014, behind the tent,
In Graz! Of course,
- You had different hair, - No,
No?
Hey, I hope the show went well, I'm tired and going to bed,
I know you'll still be celebrating, so have fun, and don't be long,
I miss you, Wake me when you come,
Why is he hiding? He's getting smaller,
- I'll get him up again, - Leave it, I have to go home,
Tommy, that was awesome! The best gig ever,
How,,, I must be dreaming,
- Who's this slut? - Slut?
What's going on? Tommy, are you cheating on me?
Simone, the judge said you must stay at least 500 meters away from me,
Know what, Tommy?
- I don't give a shit about the judge, - You promised to take your pills,
I did, I gave them to my cat, She sleeps better now,
Simone, listen,,, I have a girlfriend now,
- I'm your girlfriend, - I am his girlfriend!
You are not my girlfriend!
Get it into your head, Simone,
We were fuck buddies, Nothing more, okay?
- Fuck buddies? - Exactly,
I left my boyfriend for you,
I gave up my job for you so I wouldn't miss any of your gigs,
- So what? - Shut up, mouse tits,
Mouse tits?
Who's your hair stylist?
- Who wants to know? - It looks good,
- Hey, you! - Ladies! Hey, ladies!
Relax, okay?
Tell me the name, Who's your hair stylist?
- Udo Walz, - I should've known,
You're banned, For life,
Let me go, assholes!
Tommy, I love you!
- Tommy, where are you? - I'm here,
Tommy, were you serious? Am I really your new girlfriend?
- Hi, - You smell of fish,
- Your fly is open, - Oh,
- I'm Thomas, - I know who you are,
The aging DJ who bangs a groupie every night
and is now after my mom,
- That's nonsense, - It's not, I googled you,
There's a lot of shit online,
Tell the parking meter,
That metal thing you put coins in,
I get it, This is weird for you, You come back from abroad,,,
And your mother didn't tell you about her new boyfriend,
Sure she told me about you, Why do you think I came back earlier,
You listen to me,
I have no idea how my mother fell for you,
- What's the problem? - You will make her unhappy,
What'?
You're a moron who can't keep it in his pants,
- Now, you listen,,, - Watch out,
Anyone who wants to be with her must go through me first,
And there's no way you can go through me,
- Do you love my mother? - Yes,
Then you are now under observation,
- Lili? Why are you up? - Jetlag, I'm going to bed now,
Tommy, don't forget,
You promised me your new CD, with a dedication,
A promise is a promise,
Wait,
You are my angel,
- What's this? - What?
It's a mark, Quite a mark, too,
- No idea, Maybe it's paint or something, - Paint?
Looks like a hickey, How did you get it?
No idea, Maybe it's from my headphones,
- Headphones? - Yeah, a pressure sore,
- A pressure sore? - Yeah,
I send you video messages and you make outwith groupies?
I didn't make outwith them,
- Sure? - Yes,
I don't walk around making outwith groupies,
Did you fuck her?
- What? - Did you fuck her?
Don't lie, We promised each other,
I didn't lie,
- I didn't kiss her, - Did you fuck her?
Yes, but just a little,
Great,
- It was the first time, - Since when?
- Since we met, - Wow,
Five months is a long time to be faithful,
- I know, - Hey! Why do you do it?
- What? - Fuck around?
I don't fuck around, It was one time,
- I've known her for ages, - For ages! Go be with her then,
I don't want to, You're my girlfriend, I love you,
- I don't want any other woman, - Why do you fuck others, then?
- It's my job, Nothing to do with us, - Your job?
What's wrong with you?
Of course it has everything to do with us,
We are together, and for me, that means just you and me,
Your socks in my drawer, your yogurt in my fridge,
and mainly, your dick in no other woman,
- Get it? - Yeah,
- Monogamy, - You make it sound like an illness,
How would you feel if I had sex at work?
- You haven't, have you? - I'm a midwife,
Do I have to worry every time you have a gig that you'll screw a fan?
- No, you don't, - Because I really can't do that,
- I made a mistake and I hurt you, - You did,
And I'm really sorry, I won't do it again,
- I promise, - Tommy, I'm being serious,
It's happened before and I can't go through it again,
You and me and no one else,
What's this for?
For you to get the first monogamous rolls of your life tomorrow,
- Hey, old man, All good? - Don't call me that, Not today,
You can take the helmet off inside,
I know, but it's important to set a good example,
You never know what could happen in a bakery,
- Next, - I would like,,,
Hey! Get in line,
Calm down, grandpa, I ordered a cake,
- Cake for Bossman, - Whatever,
This is how it feels to be dead,
- You would've flicked him in the past, - I don't have the energy to argue,
Thank you,
It's on, grandpa,
Thomas Schilling?
Awesome, Can we take a selfie? Please!
- Okay, quickly, - Great, Thanks,
I'm nervous,
The other way round,
- Where's the button? - There,
- Right, - Smile,
- It'll be a great picture, - Ace!
Thank you,
You forgot something,
Yes, I don't know what's wrong with me,
Thanks again,
- Are you,,, - No, I'm not,
- But you took a picture with him, - He found me sexy,
Right,
- You are the DJ, - People often confuse me for him,
Yeah, right,
Okay, I am him, Happy now?
- No, now you're hoaxing me, - Yes, I lied,
But you are him, aren't you?
What is this? Can't you just order?
- Five sesame rolls, please, - Coming up,
Those are some first class fresh buns,
- Is Andreas coming to the reunion? - I don't know,
- Tanja really broke his heart, - What happened?
At some point, Andreas began to neglect her,
So, Tanja started to do yoga,
Yoga, The sex of the sexually frustrated,
Soon, Tanja did nothing but yoga, so, Andreas looked elsewhere,
- Did he cheat on her? - Much worse,
Andreas! Nono overslept,
You said you'd wake him up and,,,
- Why are you showering with your laptop? - Why do you think? I'm working,
- She bought that? - God!
Andreas was so addicted to porn, he had to go to therapy,
I don't want to watch and act out his pornos,
- There is nothing wrong with porn, - Did you hear that?
However, the porno consumer needs more and more stimulation over time,
What'? Can you speak plainly?
It starts harmlessly with schoolgirls,
and ends with grandmothers dangling from the ceiling,
- I don't watch MILF porn, - He's right,
I'm right,
- And then sex becomes boring, - Not for me,
- His dick doesn't get hard, - My dick still gets up,
- Yes, it's too short to hang down, - Too short?
It was a joke!
How can you get it up when you're always being criticized!
Your outbursts aren't constructive,
I would like you to promise Tanja,
that for the next three months, even if it's hard,
you will not watch any films with pornographic content,
Instead, discover the wonderful body
of your beautiful wife,
ONCE more ,
- Three months? - Three months?
It doesn't take that long! How big is she?
He tried for three months to rediscover his wife's body, but she said,,,
- I'm in love, Andreas, - With whom?
With Karsten,
The therapist?
- Yep, - I can't help it,
I met him once, Super hot, 29,
- One could become gay for him, - Shit,
20 years, Tommy, Down the drain,
He must really hate the therapist,
Yes, and every other guy under 30,
Watch it, grandpa, There is a cycle lane,
I've had enough,
- I've had enough of young people, - What are you saying?
"I'm young and beautiful, The world is mine",
It's not yours, We were here first!
And you'll be gone soon, We're just warming up,
Yes, have fun with that, you little prick,
Time goes by faster than you think, Stop smiling, or I'll hit you!
So fast, that if you blink, you'll miss it,"
You're already driving a Porsche!
It's as though the world exists just for them,
Fitness studio tits and their shaved bodies and flower tattoos,
- To the class reunion, - To divorce and the urge to urinate,
Cheers,
- Are you okay? - Do I look like someone who's okay?
I go out three times a night and I'm always tired,
I have no idea how to get through the next week,
- Or the next 20 years, - Andi's right,
Guys, get a grip, It's a phase,
My mother said that, too, but my brother is still gay,
Just hold in there, It's normal at your age,
- We're the same age as you, - But I don't look it,
Don't worry, Midlife crisis is over by 60,
Then it's all uphill,
- What do we do until then? - Hang ourselves,
Really, Cream on cream?
It keeps my feces soft, Plus, I need sugar,
- Let's get fat, at least, - Is that your plan?
Sit here, eat cream and wait for the first stroke?
You might as well move into an assisted living residence,
Not a bad idea, Try going upstairs with hemorrhoids,
Then start saving for a stair lift,
- Have you forgotten how much fun we had? - That was 30 years ago, Tommy,
My God, did it go by so fast, guys'?
Where did the years go?
At 18, you think you're immortal, and then,,,
you're anabiotic,
At 18, you ran stark naked through a Christmas market,
Wearing nothing but a white beard around your balls!
- Remember? - I now have that,
Your problem is that you're too boring, not too old,
- You urgently need to have some fun, - I urgently need my hemorrhoid cream,
The reunion is midday on Sunday,
We'll go on Saturday and book a luxury suite at the Lindenberger,
- Do you know how expensive it is? - It's my treat,
- What will we do there? - What?
We'll go to the sauna, get a massage,
put a mudpack on our faces,
and then we'll enjoy the nightlife,
We'll go crazy, It'll be great,
- Get a slut on our faces? - Mud,
You can put a slut on your face if you want,
- Or two, - Or three,
Nils, have you seen my mirror?
What are you doing out here?
I just wanted to see what it looks like,
- And'? - Can't see,
- Why didn't you do it in the bath? - Because I can't lock the door,
- The neighbors could see you, - I don't care,
Since when?
- Poor you, Is it that bad? - I'm a man, I can handle pain,
- Let me have a look, - No, No way,
Nils, I gave birth to your children and you were there both times,
- And'? - I can't see, There's too much hair,
- Go get a comb, - A comb?
Dad?
What are you doing?
We're having an after-show party,
- Exactly, - Lenny wants,,,
Can't you see it's a bad time?
I can't get any peace in this house,
I came here to get a moment for myself,
- What? - But I,,,
- What? - Nils!
Me, me, me! Don't you get it?
It's not all about you, I'm in pain,
- Dad, you're so mean, - I'm mean?
- Bravo, - I'm sorry, I didn't mean it,
Sarah wanted to talk to you about Lenny, It wasn't easy for her,
You used to be good at putting yourself in other people's shoes,
Now you're the one who doesn't get that not everything is about you,
You're such an ass, Such an ass!
- Where are you going? - Class reunion,
- That's tomorrow, - We're going a day early,
- Really? Why? - To have some fun,
Hey!
- And what are these? - A bottle of Chivas Regal,
Funny! I meant these,
Those are relics from times gone by,
You don't need these any more,
Glad, we cleared that up,
- Got everything? - Yes,
The Lindenberger, I'm a bit jealous,
The Lindenberger? They have such a nice spa there,
I've always wanted to go, Mom, can I go, too?
Lili, it's his class reunion,
I thought he'd be happy,
We can go there together sometime,
I have a week before school starts again,
If it were just me, I'd take you straight away,
but I think you would get bored with us old guys,
I like old people,
And we'll have some time to get to know each other better,
Lili, you can't just invite yourself,
I'll behave and won't be annoying,
- Lili! - I thought he'd be happy,
Of course I'm happy,
- But only if it's really okay, - Yes, of course it's okay,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, You're the best,
I'll be right back,
Thank you,
Is it really okay if she comes?
Yes, it'll be great,
- Don't spoil her too much, - Of course I won't,
- Hello,
I'd like a passion fruit, yogurt,
- In a cone, right? - Yes,
- What do you think? - It's not exactly a pussy magnet,
A pussy magnet,,,
Great car!
I don't believe it!
The car's not even three hours old and it's already scratched!
Don't worry, I've got it,
What'? Andreas, stop it! Give me that,
What are you doing? Hands off! Give me,,, Man,,,
- You're such a square, - I'm a square?
I'm so excited, The three of us will have an awesome weekend,
Or just a weekend,
Thomas?
So, Lili, this is Nille and Andreas, my oldest friends,
And this is Lili, Linda's daughter,
She came back from her year abroad yesterday
and now she wants to see what the Lindenberger is like,
- She what? - And to help your pal keep a promise,
- What kind of promise? - Absolute, total sexlessness,
Are you crazy? We're going early to get it on,
- Sorry, Not going to happen, - But I want to fuck,
Andreas, come with me,
What's this?
We're going to a reunion, She can't come,
She invited herself in front of Linda,
- Uninvite her, You're a grown man, - Yeah,
- You nuts? She's Linda's daughter, - Cheesecake,
- So? You're just fuck buddies, - Not anymore,
We're in a real relationship,
- A monogamous one, - Since when?
Since yesterday,
Since yesterday!
- The kid doesn't think I can do it, - No one does, You're weak,
You're sex-obsessed,
Plus, it's part of a DJ's job to fuck,
I should've been a DJ,
I don't want to screw this up,
What if she fucks the therapist?
- We don't have a therapist, - Not yet,
- You can't eat ice cream in the car, - My money!
Jerk,
I said, no licking ice creams in the car,
You don't get anything licked anymore,
Shit!
I got it from Media Markt, "Greed is Great",
- That's not their slogan, - Super suction!
Move over,
- Hey, what are you doing? - Oh, no!
- Hey, you pedo-bear, - Get the cone out,
Get out!
You listen to yourself?
- It's going to be great, - Yes, man!
It says here that the paper gave your girlfriends numbers, Why?
There were three Mandy's and {our Jennifers,
It's all history, No one's interested,
- Why are you on a swim ring? - Hemorrhoids,
- What is that? - It's a sports injury,
-"Arteriovenous vascular pads"? - Varicose veins in the ass,
And around it,
Holy shit! Does it look like this?
Oh my God!
Give me my phone,
- Are you crazy? - Sorry, Displacement activity,
Stop, right now!
It's easier to find a needle in a haystack, Let's beat it,
Maybe for people your age it's just a phone without a wire,
but for me, it's everything, it has my whole life,
It's been a short life, You're 17,
I think your life has looked better,
There you go,
- Great, - I'm sorry, I'll pay for the damages,
- The 7 in pink, - Are you crazy? That's the 4,
Damages for pain and suffering,
"The ultimate pick-up lines,
I hope you're a snake charmer, because there's one in my pants,"
That's not a pick-up line, That's sick,
"Hey, you stink, Want to shower together?"
That's a good one,
Yeah, us women are really into such things,
Give it here,
Yes, just read it, Then I won't have to worry anymore,
I made the cover,
- What's this, Nille? - Put it back,
- What is it? - My nose hair trimmer,
Are you sure? Does it vibrate?
Is it Jette's?
- What do you do with it? - Brush my teeth with it,
Hair grows out of my nose,
Hair grows out of your nose! That's a good topic for your speech,
- Dude! - I did tell you to put it back,
Hey, you dick, It's red,
It wasn't me,
- Sorry, It wasn't me, - Yeah, whatever,
Hey, ladies, I'm from ADAC and I want to hook up,
- Are you okay? - No, it was a joke,
I'm from the garage and want to test your horns,
Did you fall on your head when you were a baby?
On my head? That's not my voice,
Stop it,
Andi!
Don't worry, Your insurance will cover it,
- You have full cover, right? - No!
You have a new car and no insurance?
- I've driven 25 years with no accidents, - Not anymore,
The salesman said I was making a mistake,
- You'll pay for the damage, - Are you crazy? Who was driving?
- No! - Uh-oh!
Oh, no!
He looks like he could lift the car up, With us inside,
Hello!
- Can you open the door? - I don't understand what you're saying,
I just want to talk to you,
You just drove into my car,
- I didn't see you, - I was right in front of you,
- Don't you wear glasses? - For reading,
Just for reading?
- I am really sorry, - I don't care if you're sorry,
- Whoa! Whoa! - Hasta la vista, baby!
That's a nice car, When was it built?
It was a nice car,
- Are you a bodybuilder? - No, I dig peat,
Could you let my friend go?
- We can settle this differently, - Of course we can,
First, I'm going to beat up your visually impaired friend,
- And then I'll beat you up, - Why'? He was driving,
He was driving, But your hat looks like shit,
Go on, do something! Do something!
- Hey, Arnold! - Come on!
Are you nuts?
- You're messing with the wrong guy, - Look at the dwarf,
That is fun!
Come here, Arnold!
Stop now,
I'm just beginning, Hasta la vista, baby,
- You little punk,,, - Get in the car!
- What are you doing? - Not without my door!
My door!
- What,,, - He's getting the door,
Leave it and get in,
I have it already,
As good as new,
I don't know how to tell Jette,
Say it was a hit and run in the hotel parking garage,
That's good,
- I'm going to kill myself, - Hey, don't do that,
Andreas and I will get you a new one,
- Really? - Yes,
Andreas, that's very generous of you,
What'? I think I misheard,
It's your fault,
I didn't know he didn't have cover,
- How could you be so stupid? - Let's go,
Go, on, take out the passenger side door too,
- Will anyone not be coming? - Yes, Ludger won't be coming,
- Why not? - He's dead,
Ludger? The one who always told on us?
- Yes, - Carried the teacher's bag?
He was at an amusement park with his family and dropped dead, Embolism,
- Had he bought tickets? - Why'?
Because then he just wasted a load of money,
Watch out!
Calm down, It's trashed anyway,
Park it and take care, it's new,
Welcome to the class reunion,
This is going to be great,
Andreas?
- What's with the bottle? - I'm in charge of the balloons,
- Four rooms under Schilling, please, - Of course,
Why don't we have a suite? Are we poor?
Oh, new magazines,
The terrace suite is still available,
With two rooms, bathrooms,
whirlpool and lake view,
How much is it'?
Two nights for 1,800 euros,
We'll take it,
- In that case,,, - We only have the presidential suite,
- For 3,900 euros, - Great,
Your credit card, please,
Slip dress? With style guarantee?
As a single you have to be informed on fashion,
If it's the right way up, you can read it,
It's great you're messing up my reunion,
- It's my reunion too, - You packed your bags and left,
- You have no right to be here, - Will you hate me forever?
That's the best about a divorce, I can be as angry as I want,
What happens later has nothing to do with you,
Do you know what your problem is?
You're not angry, You're sad,
That's okay,
I'm sad too,
I thought the problem was that you fucked the therapist?
Don't you think I thought we were forever?
Do you think I said yes and thought, "only as long as it's fun"?
I'm just as distraught as you that we did not manage it,
I'm actually happy, Being single has its advantages,
- Hey! - Dream on, love,
See? I just need to snap my fingers and she's in my bed,
Just because I left you doesn't mean I don't miss you,
That I don't miss us,
I thought you should know,
Daddy! Are you coming?
Where shall we start?
Let's go to the gym,
Of course, the gym, I haven't been today,
Push! Push!
You can do it! Come on!
Maximum muscle fatigue!
Come on, push!
One more, come on!
You animal!
He“? me!
- Was it too heavy? - No, the hemorrhoids!
- Pardon? - The hemorrhoids!
I have a new hearing aid,
It's the smallest one there is,
But it's better than the big one,
Super! How much is it?
Eight thirty,
Come on, one more set, I have to get fit for tonight,
Push, you animal!
- What? - Your VISA,
Are you kidding?
I need a little wellness,
- What? - Your PIN?
-4510, - Thanks,
That pink top is really cute,
I'll take that,
I hope you're a snake charmer, because there's one in my pants,
Andreas, step it up! She's beating you,
- You really smell, - What's wrong?
Shall we shower together'?
- Okay, - Really?
- You won't believe where I am! - The Lindenberger,
- Are you serious? - Yes,
They have a pillow buffet
with 16 types of duck down pillows,
And 'm the bathroom they have “La met“,
Pancakes cost 24 euros,
A bottle of water, 12,
It's more expensive than the Barefood Deli,
It's crazy, Why don't you come?
- How do we get there? - I'll send a limo for you,
- A limo! - Stretch?
What else?
- You do have a white beard down there, - That's what Tanja said,
- What? - Do you shave your balls?
Of course,
- Do you think Karsten shaves his balls? - I would guess so,
Do you think Tanja takes his balls in her mouth?
- I would guess so, - She never did it to me,
No surprise with that bush, It looks like a jungle,
Looking at you, I'd guess that Jette never sucked on your balls,
Perhaps we are influencers with our bushes,
Like those guys who listen to vinyl again,
Guys, get a razor and do it, You look like hairy dickheads,
We're going to the disco, You need to take it off,
Shave them,
Okay, I'll do it, If you do,
- Okay, - Good,
That's better,
Sorry,
This shower is available, that one too, come in,
I didn't really need a shower,
How deep do I shave between the ass cheeks?
As deep as you want,
But always against the direction of growth,
You said the same direction!
I said against! Didn't I say against?
- I thought the same direction! - He said against!
He's my witness, - I'm bleeding,
Call 911,
Here 911,
Please tell me calmly and precisely,
Our friend is bleeding,
- Where? - His ball sack,
That's not good, You lose a lot of blood,
He has a hard-on,
- What blood type is he? - Negative,
He's a hemophiliac, I have a call on the other line,
Hello?
Hey, Nille, what's up?
- Hello, are you there? - Are you still alive?
Don't you find it funny?
- What are you doing? - You said we should disinfect them,
The razor, you fool,
Tommy, I feel born again,
It's like rubbing cherry tomatoes with lube,
Hi, there,
Did you change your mind?
- What do you mean? - You're showering after all,
Tommy, look, I can see my reflection in my balls,
- Want to suck on them? - Later, baby,
Shit,
What are you doing?
I'm training my pelvic floor,
Give me a hand,
- Wait, I was just,,, - Where are you going? Sit with us,
If I knew you were coming I would've brought four,
Cheers,
What is wrong with you?
It wasn't me, It was him,
Andreas, stop it,
Not true, It wasn't me,
The fart was clearly from your direction,
Are you saying I'm lying?
Maybe it's an illness and you can't help it,
- My grandpa was incontinent too, - I'll smack you one,
- Andreas! - Sorry,
When I bend over I just can't hold it in anymore,
It's too depressing in here,
- Andreas! - What?
I'm stuck,
Is it your hemorrhoids?
My balls are stuck, In the bench,
- Thomas! - What?
- Nille is stuck, - What do you mean, he's stuck?
His balls are caught in the bench,
How did that happen?
- That's not good, - Really?
But if they got in, they'll come out,
No, they won't,
They're swollen,
Let me see,
- What? - Oh fuck!
God, Nils!
Those aren't balls, they're eggplants,
- Eggplants? - Yes, they're dark blue,
- Are you crazy? - You missed something,
Ever thought of reading glasses?
Holy shit!
- Doesn't look good, - That's what I said,
- What now? - No idea,
Stop talking and help me,
Rub this on to make them slippery,
Do I look like the Cirque du Soleil? How do I reach them?
Please, God, no, Please,
- Please, - Sorry, I have rough hands,
I don't want to live without my balls,
- Rock, paper, scissors, - Rock, paper, scissors,
Rock, paper, scissors,
- You're it, Tommy, - Fuck!
Tommy? Do it with love,
That really tickles!
Don't pull like that, Tommy,
Sorry, it's the first time I've done this,
Okay, Try it again,
They'll find my skeleton here, My children need their father,
You pull, I'll push,
One, two, three,,,
Time to close, Everyone out, I need to lay some new pipe here,
Don't pull it that way,
- Hello? - We have a problem, can't you see'?
This isn't a gay sauna,
He's stuck,
Do you have a crowbar or something?
No, I have a jigsaw,
No way,
It'll be fine, Nils,
Absolutely not,
Not in that direction!
Wow! He)', girl,,,
- It is so fresh here, - So nice!
Bye-bye!
- Dude! It's so cool here! - Check this out!
Lili!
I'd like to order room service,
- Nice to see you, - What's all this?
- Shop til you drop, or what? - Did you win the lottery?
Who did you steal that from?
I don't steal, Thomas Schilling is paying,
These are yours and we've just met, okay?
- You met some friends? - Yes, we just met,
We just met,
And these are our things,
Gucci, Prada, what generous parents you have,
Yes, her father is an oligarch,
Olli-what?
- No shit! - I'm his favorite daughter,
- Okay, now we're going pony riding, - Huh?
Pony riding, join me,
Yes, pony riding,
This can't be true!
- Maybe I can help you? - The printer cartridge just signed off,
The printer cartridge,
That calls for dexterity, and a little force,
I'll have this in no time,
Dexterity and a little force,
All right then,
- Do you really want to go pony riding? - Are you crazy?
Let's party!
I can't see anything,
After the chimpanzees, they are our closest relatives,
I'd like some room service,
The bathroom really is full of "La mer" stuff,
- Take it all, - Where? I haven't got a bag,
Take one that I just bought,
6 club sandwiches,
and 6 pancakes,
No, no, no,
750 euros for a bag?
That's not all,
I need six Pornstar Martinis,,,
- Check out the cool bathrobes, - Really?
And four steaks,
Hey, I'm vegan,
- For the dogs! - Right,
How long will it be?
A bit quicker would be nice,
That's Rugina, The silverback is the leader of the gorilla group,
He demonstrates his power as the master of the house,
Hi, I'm Nils,
I'm giving a speech but I can't think of anything to say,
A little misfortune happened to me, My balls got stuck in the sauna,
- Don't you want to wipe that off? - It won't come off,
- What won't? - It doesn't come off,
I can't go out like this,
We'll just tell them you are Gorbachev's nephew!
Hemorrhoid cream,
Wrong hole, Nils,
Go out and have fun, I'll stay and hang myself,
This is our weekend, if you stay, we stay,
What'? Are you crazy?
I understand that he's depressed, but did we do that to his face?
Did we pinch his nuts?
No, it's our evening too!
This is my chance to go out and meet a nice girl,
- And he spoils it! - Andreas, shut up,
What if today's the day a girl falls for me?
- And I'm not there, - What if? What if?
What if you wake up and realize you made one wrong decision,
now you're in the wrong life?
- What decision was that? - Taking the shit editorial job,
Now I'm stuck there forever,
I should have written my novel,
You started a novel?
I had a title, That's the most important thing,
Maybe I shouldn't have married so early, I'm a shit father,
Ask Jette, Maybe I shouldn't have had kids,
That's a lot of bad decisions, Nils,
Nille, you're a great father and your kids are perfect,
You can't show photos of them without a tear,
Two years and I'm fifty,
My back is already stiff,
I bet I have osteoporosis,
The only thing with porosis is your head!
Getting old is the only way to live longer,
You're 48,
- Some don't make it that far, - Exactly,
Think of Benny, Fucking motorcycle,
Or “ya,
- He didn't make 48, - Yeah,
46,
Always smiling, full of joy,
And then he has his daughter and,,,
Liver cancer,
“Ya,,,
That was harsh,
We're still here, And we have each other,
The researchers are very lucky today,
They rarely see the lead animal Rugina this close,
He vanishes into the camouflage of the underbrush,
- Hello, - What are you doing?
Sarah and I were watching a documentary about gorillas,
- She fell asleep at the opening credits, - Sounds cozy,
It's strange when you're not here,
- You know how much I love you? - I love you too,
I am sorry that I,,,
We'll manage, With Sarah too,
Maybe the two of you can do something, You can speak to her about Lenny,
As understanding and sensitive as you are,
Are you still there?
- Are you listening? - Yes, of course,
Can we talk about some things for my speech?
I'll begin with,,,
You are unbelievable, Truly unbelievable,
I am,,,
- You are so egocentric, - Egocentric?
I'm talking about your daughter,
and you just think of your stupid speech for this damned reunion,
that nobody wants to go to?
MY Stupid speech?
For months I've put up with your permanent grumpiness,
Who's grumpy here?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to be with you right now?
Every day I feel it's harder to recognize the old Nils,
not only to see the grumpy, ill-tempered older gentlemen,
who makes life difficult for everyone?
Come to the point!
If you knew how shitty my day was!
How about a bit of compassion?
Tomorrow, I'll stand up in front of 80 people and make a speech about my life,
Which is not even exciting for me!
I'm sorry,
I don't know how you can make your boring life with us more exciting,
Jette! Jette!
Mom,
Is everything Okay?
Yes,
- Will you get a divorce? - Of course not,
Life and death decision,
You have to do one thing, or you die,
Make outwith a guy for ten minutes
or put his cock in your mouth for one minute,
- One minute? - Come on, say,
But you have to really suck it,
Then I'd make out,
- With tongue? - Still better,
I think I'd put it in my mouth,
- Why'? - I couldn't tongue kiss a guy,
I don't believe it,
We're together for the first time in years
and you're just talking about cocks,
Let's party!
It's five to twelve, Let's go, Buffalo!
- What about Lili? - I'll send her to bed,
Lili, the grandpas are heading out,
Lili, what happened?
Did you drink everything here?
I had one Pornstar Martini, Maybe two,
- The others drank much more, - The others?
Linda will kill me,
Your mother will kill me,
Tommy, I don't feel so good,
What's that?
It's what will save your life tomorrow,
- Looks gross, - Tastes gross too,
Drink it, you'll feel better,
Message from Mom,
Hello, you two, I'm eating spaghetti and drinking some wine,
But honestly, it's only half as nice without you,
I just wanted to make sure my angel is behaving as promised,
I'm sure she is, I'm fine,,,
I hope you're having a blast,
I miss you both a lot,
Love you, Tommy,
We should answer,
Your daughter is behaving so well,
She is very well-behaved and so humble,
We've had so much fun, so much fun that she's fallen asleep
and is lying in bed,
I'm going to the disco with the lads for a bit,
I miss you too, and I love you,
- Thank you, - No problem,
Why was it important to sleep with so many women?
- It was a bet, - How about without joking around?
No idea,
Maybe I thought I'd miss something,
Or I was scared I couldn't keep up with someone 20 years younger,
It's more like a sport to you, I thought it was about love,
It is about love,
But it's not that great when you realize you're halfway through life,
and you haven't done anything,
Done anything?
Something really important,
I've never planted a tree or built a house,
I've never had a child,
As far as I know, anyway,
And fucking helps?
- It's the only thing that works, - Worked,
Worked,
I just need to find out what to do for the rest of my life,
You can start with being the best boyfriend to my mother,
I can try,
I'm a little late with my first real relationship,
Don't be too harsh on me,
I'm still learning,
I wish you were not practicing on my mother,
I know, but I've fallen in love with your mother,
Why my mother?
She makes me better,
- You'? - Yes,
- You're a wimp, - Why's that?
At the beginning, you were so dumb, and now you're so nice,
That's strange,
You don't fit the concept,
If you want, there's an over 60s party around the corner,
I heard it's quite funny,
Make an exception please, Tomorrow is our class reunion,
Class reunion? How many years?
- Thirty years, - Enjoy the other party,
This is a closed party,
- I'm part of it, - Are you trying to bribe me?
You better go home,
What is this? I'll smack you!
- Piss off! - Leave it, He is too fragile,
Watch it!
- Anwar! - Tommy! How are you?
Super, The boys are with me,
- Your lucky day, - Good to see you,
- Keep going, - Hey, Tommy,
Chivas Regal, give me the whole bottle,
Sure, Tommy,
Aren't you that DJ?
No, I'm Brad Pitt,
Really?
Awesome,
Your Deutsch is very nice, You have zero accent,
- That's because I have a German mother, - Really, like Leonardo di Caprio?
We have the same mother,
- What! - Amazing!
Oh my God!
Brad Pitt is the brother of Leonardo di Caprio,
Exactly,
Do you want a Huntermaster?
Or Undermountain?
Have a good evening,
Hi, You were at the "Savoy",
And, you still have my panties,
- No shit, - What a coincidence, Mine too,
- It is and we'd like to have it back, - We could swap,
With yours,
Stop,
One arm distance,
- What's wrong with you? - I'm monogamous,
- Mono-what? - Monogamous,
- Since when? - Since yesterday,
- Since yesterday! - We can cure that,
Tommy, we'll make you healthy again,
- I'm taken, okay, - We won't tell,
Are you crazy?
Cool place, I've never seen you here,
- How tall are you? -6 foot one,
6 feet one, Wow!
My mother was 6 feet,
- Cool, huh? - Why are you so short?
My father was only 4 feet 11,
But they were close,
Shit, Karsten,
- He looks hot, - Who looks hot'?
The therapist,
Nille, what's up?
I have to go to the loo,
- Let me go, okay? - I think it's better if you stay,
- Piss off, - So unfriendly,
You should be friendlier or I won't fuck you,
Fuck yourself,
Young lady, you said you'd be home at one,
Sorry, Dad,
Evening,
Going out at your age?
Respect,
I wouldn't mind, but you know how your mother is,
Yes, Thanks,
Want to try? Pornstar Martini, Crazy shit!
Want to get together?
What'?
This is the night, I feel it to my bones,
Andreas, this is Sanne, Sanne, this is Andreas,
- Want something to drink? - Cool,
Are you here a lot?
It's my first time,
The first time? Wow,
May I?
Is that a Pornstar Martini?
- Awesome, - It was quite expensive,
- How did you get in with that mark? - My friend Thomas,
- Thomas who? - Thomas Schilling,
Are you joking?
Are,,, you alright?
You're sweet,
- Hi, - One tonic water,
- Yes, - With two straws,
- What do you need two straws for? - I'm with a woman,
- Thanks, - Four euros, please,
- What? - Four euros,
That's theft,
Four euros,
That's for you,
Stingy bastard,
How are you doing?
Stop! You shitbag! Stop running!
Open the door! You stole my wife,
She decided to leave you, Andreas,
Every break-up is a loss, Andreas,
Losing is the best for winning,
This is the women's toilet, Piss off,
- Are you crazy? - Sorry,
Fucking asshole,
Can I get it back? Let me know if you want another hit,
Anger is just a symptom,
- What's this shit? - Totally,
He's not in good shape today, This is nothing,
You know what is making me sad, Karsten?
That I missed to give you,,,
a fucking kick in the arse!
You asshole!
- Andreas! Come here, - Tommy!
You sure are a cry-baby,
What I see is not psychotherapy, it's quack sorcery,
Tomorrow morning, I report you to the Medical Association,
He'll take her to the hotel,
Then she lets him fuck her when I'm alone in bed,
We won't let that happen,
Stop being a PUSSY-
Thanks,
- Why do you have ink on your face? - A pigment disorder,
- You can't go round like that, - I don't have a choice,
I have make-up remover, Shall we go to your place?
- You have laugh lines, - Yes, crew's feet,
The rest is physical decay,
- You know you have really nice eyes? - They are far-sighted,
Are you always grumpy or is today special?
Good question,
I think it's been a while,
I know,
How old are you then? 26?
You are young and beautiful,
You have all the freedom and no problems,
Everyone envies you,
It's the best time of your life,
You're right,
My boyfriend went off with my best friend,
I studied law for ten semesters
and still don't know if it's right for me,
All my friends are having kids, I don't even have a cat,
My mother is in a bad mood just like you,
because my father is all over my little sister's teacher,
It's the best time of my life,
Wahoo!! Good, that I brought something,,,
Should we plan a double suicide?
- That's romantic! - You are so sweet,
- Let's share it, - What is it?
Small beasts, They make you so happy,
- I think I must pass, - Okay,
Keep it for when it gets worse,
I'm married,
I know,
We'll just comfort ourselves a little,
I can explain,
Sanne, come on, that was a hallucination,
Nils?
Hey you,,,
- So? - What?
You said we wouldn't let it happen, We're just watching them fuck,
They won't be so quick,
You stink, have you farted?
- What's in here? - Not a lunch bag,
This isn't what I think, right?
That depends on what you think,
- What do I do? - Put it in front of the door,
And then?
- Light it and knock politely, - And then?
He comes out and stamps out the fire, Date night over,
It's a classic,
You think I'm going to set light to dog shit?
Who said anything about dogs?
What'?
Where would I get dog shit in the night?
You think they've got it in the minibar?
Forget it, I'm not doing it,
Okay, then we'll go to the bar while Karsten fucks Tanja,
Go for it,
Oh shit!
What are you doing here?
- I wanted to apologize, - What for?
Andreas and I had a small argument,
It won't happen again,
What smells so bad?
Nothing smells,
- Maybe you stood in some poo? - Human poo or dog poo?
- Not on me, - Then it's the other,
No,
- It comes from your jacket, - Why would I have a bag of poo?
What kind of bag?
No, I don't smell it,
- I have to go, - See you tomorrow?
At the reunion?
- Sure, - Great,
- Tommy! - What?
I need a lighter,
God, forgive me, Tommy,,,
Shit,
Nils, if I ever had the chance to win Tanja back,
I've completely lost it,
In the truest sense of the word,
Nils, I'm in deep shit and you're just snoring,
Nils,
Shit, No wonder Jette is fed up,
You've got proper tits, What meds are you on?
I'm sleeping here, With Nils,
Well, be happy I don't have a hairy chest,
Room number, now,
I can't let you in the room without Mr, Schilling's permission,
This is unbelievable,
What is this?
- I'm sorry, this is our policy, - Your policy?
Good evening, this is the Lindenberger,
That is not for little dogs,
- Tommy, - Sleep more,
Thank you for the party, Mr, Schilling, Nastrovia!
- Room service, - I'll be back,
Did you order something?
Enough is enough,
- The girls have had enough, - Surprise!
You pig,
You're crazy!
I have it in black and white, Ask the judge,
- Where's the slut? - What slut?
What's happening?
I went to the salon for you, It's like Monroe,
Like it?
A bit quieter, please,
What a nightmare!
Sorry, I fell on the remote, Go back to sleep,
The remote?
I need to pee,
Did you just throw a woman down there?
Dear alumni, so great to see you here,
You've hardly changed,
Everyone had great expectations for life,
We didn't just fulfil them,
We exceeded them,
Particularly our,,,
our Palentine cordial with 43% alcohol
is making us proud,
The analysis showed thistles are high in sugar content,
That never happens,
It's no problem,
The gorillas ate them,
It look like it hurts, when they are chewing,
I've been under a lot of stress recently,
Yeah, sure,
A six year old female uses a different technique,
She also,,,
Maybe we could turn to something else?
Maybe something,,, erotic?
No, leave it, I love gorillas,
They are so magical and wise,
If people were like them, there would be no more wars,
The talented female
finds another silverback more attractive than Rugina,
- Nils! - I'm okay,
Who is it?
- Sorry, - I'm sorry,
For you, my friend, Cheers,
I told your parents you ate too much,
- The first and last time I lie for you, - Understood, Mr, Schilling,
Didn't you forget your shopping bags?
We gave them all to Lili,
- What's in that bag? - Nothing important,
- Here are your pancakes, - Thank you,
- I want pancakes too, - Be quiet,
Let me hear your speech,
30 years ago, we said that school was the best time of our lives,
but what do you know when you're 18,
- You know shit, - Lots can happen in 30 years,
- I want pancakes, - Did you hear your mother?
Keep quiet,
But sometimes nothing happens,
- I want pancakes, - Shut up or no TV,
But I want pancakes!
Eat your sausages, now!
But what does happen, is that we get older,
- Did you see that? - What?
Yes, It's not for cowards, No, sir, it's not,
I want pancakes!
Order him some pancakes then, He won't quit,
But there's no reason to panic, The late 40s is the new mid-30s,
You heard what Dad said,
- I'm your mother and I say "no", - That's why,,,
- I want pancakes! - Quiet,
That's why I say, "Even if our asses get wrinkly, we're still the same",
- Man! I want pancakes! - Hey!
Do you know Moby Dick?
Great, because if you don't stop bawling,
I'll push you into the lake and you'll be a little white whale,
- Did you really just say that? - No, I sang it,
Instead of being on your phones,
make sure the boy gets some vitamins instead of that gruel!
Unbelievable,
- He looks like a pancake, - I don't believe it,
If he keeps on, he could get a job as a bouncy castle,
A bouncy castle?
He can't do anything about his parents,
Eat your pancakes,
- Great speech, - It's a pile of shit,
- I thought it wasn't bad, - I can fool myself,
There are only four hours left and I have nothing,
- Help me out, - Wait, there's a brass band in my head,
How do you think I feel?
I slept in a parking lot and Andreas slept with Sanne,
- Nille! - I know about the birds and the bees,
- I didn't, - Why not?
- Wrong channel, - Almost though,
The way soft spaghetti almost becomes hard again,
- What are you doing? - The stubble is itching like hell,
Now that you say it,,,
Do you see that?
Gentlemen, please come with me,
Why?
I saw you stimulating yourself in front of the kid,
No need to worry about me,
They just shaved their balls and now they're itchy,
- Shaved their balls? - You should do that more often,
I have to ask you to leave this establishment,
- Good, - Do you really have to do that?
- Yes, - How old are you anyway?
Do you have any respect for your elders?
No, you haven't!
Why do gorillas have a grey-haired leader?
I'll tell you why, Because they respect him!
They see the grey hair and know he's got experience!
He has his shit together, He knows what's what!
And there are three very experienced silverbacks sitting at this table!
- I didn't get a thing, Did you? - No,
I'll repeat it slowly for the rural folk, So, take notes,
Get down from there!
They will be banned from here,
We'll go home after the party,
We'll park the car, then we're off to the class reunion,
Tommy! I need you!
- Did you run her over? - I'll testify,
- Me, too, - Testify what?
She jumped in front of the car! You saw it!
Should we check if she's breathing?
- You heard it, She's dead, - She's not getting up,
Please,
- Piss off! - No! Please, Tommy,
Please,
Tommy!
- What was it? - My stalker,
Fuck, my balloons,
It looks as though they've sent their parents instead,
A big thank you to the "Greifswald Dixie Larks",
Those not standing at attention yet, come here and I'll help you out,
Half don't have a measurable blood pressure,
It was a pun, Not all get them,
I know that today is the highlight of your year,
so I won't disappoint you,
There's a warm buffet for you, Just help yourselves,
Your first three alcoholic beverages are provided free of charge,
By the way, what do you call a rodent without a name?
"Anonymouse",
Yes, I'll start with a sad subject,
- Andreas forgot the balloons I promised, - I didn't forget them, I lost them!
Andreas, don't interrupt me! You'll get,,,
Stop doing that, you stupid idiot!
Someone should put him out of his misery,
Our first guest will be Karin,
She'll read a short story she wrote, Yes, there she is,
Urs will impress us with his dancing poodles,
And to close things off, we'll hear Nils' great closing speech,
The event will conclude with Thomas and his hot beats,
But for now, we'll hear the best beats
from the '70s, the '80s and the '90s from Oliver!
I bet you didn't expect that from your bullying victim,
Awesome! Hey, Ole!
Ole! This party is awesome! Yeah, baby!
What did he take?
No one that old is that happy without drugs,
Oh, man! Thomas, you are way out, So funny,
I've never had such a good time before,
Nils' excuse is drugs, What's yours?
- Andreas, - Hi, Tanja, How are you?
Fine thanks, I want to talk to Andreas,
Andreas?
And now the stage belongs to Karin!
Nils, You seem to have trouble with that door,
- Hey, Harald! You're so old now, - Speak for yourself, baldy,
- That's the ladies', - Eva Lersberger!
Nils Boedecker,
- And'? - Nothing,
- Not even a little tingle? - Not a spark, No fireworks,
- Was I better before? - We never kissed,
You're thinking of Eva from biology, The four-eyes with the glasses,
- Yes, that's her! Is she here? - I think I saw her by the buffet,
Eva Helmhold, I'm coming!
After a third stroke,
my siblings decided my mother would be better off with me,
That was also the same winter,,,
my cat,,,
was diagnosed,,,
with psoriasis,
Chapter four,
The,,,
Thank you, Karin, Great,
- There are,,, No! But,,, - Thank you,
- There are still twelve,,, - No spoilers!
I'm sure they want to read it,
Thanks, Applause for Karin,
Great,
Are you having fun?
That's the way out,
- I doubt anything could top this, - I agree, I'll go freshen up,
Hey, Thomas, Come here,
Okay, Here's Thomas! With his driving beats,
Okay, maybe not, I've got another joke for you,
Okay, how do you make a nun pregnant?
You disguise yourself as a messenger,
That was a good one!
Wow! Hot outfit, I hope you're up next,
- Shit, - You weren't nice to me last time,
Why must I force you to do what's good?
Simone, they're waiting for me,
Wait, I've got one more, Wait,
It's my only option,
What do you say to an Indian who's followed'?
There's someone be-Hindu,
Time to cooker you up, pal,
So, now the stage belongs to Urs and his dancing dogs!
You're such an asshole,
No, I can't believe it! Oh God,
Urs' poodles got car sick, they're puking everywhere,
You must go on!
- The crowd is waiting, - Okay, but pump up the volume,
His tracks are one-of-a-kind, his gigs on Ibiza are legendary,
and his eyes, as you can see, are as blue as the sea!
- It rhymes, - Lili,
I'd just started to like you, but it ends up you're just a liar,
The woman you just saw me with is Simone, my stalker,
- We ran her over, - Stalkers are tough,
- They always come back, - But she has to stay 500 meters away,
She does, If it were up to me, the rest should, too,
I've found the right one and it's your mother,
Oh, yeah?
Yes, I swear on my next Pornstar Martini,
- Very funny, - Lili,
What if she ends up in the trash next week, like your other women?
She won't, Not Linda,
Oh, yeah? How do you know?
Because I've never been bored around her,
And because I miss her as soon as she's out the door,
And because she,,,
She is beautiful and clever and,,,
damn funny,
And because she,,,
Because she can open beer bottles with her teeth,
And because she's a great mother to a wonderful girl,
Sorry ladies, I'm now taken,
Okay, let me see your hands!
Is everything Okay?
It really was your stalker?
She hangs there, I can show you,
Ff lends?
Friends, But I'm afraid only until you get your next credit card bill,
My What?
Thank you, Ole, Thank you, That was great,
But while we're waiting for this evening's main speech,
I'd like to say a few words about Tanja and myself,
Most of you may know we used to be married,
but it didn't last,
Tanja and I had 15 wonderful years together,
Then there were a few tough years,
But then Nono came along, Our son,
Then there were more tough years and then one last, really shitty year,
And,,,
since our divorce,
I only focused on that shitty final year,
That was easier, I could be angry,
I didn't think of the great 15 years,
and when I do, I just get sad,
I mean, I think it's okay if you don't manage to remain in a marriage,
But then you also somehow have to cope,,,
with not being married,
With just being friends,
I need to start listening to you, I promise I will listen to you,
We need to talk, and I will talk to you,
I will never be the biggest fan of your new boyfriend Karsten,
But I don't have to stick his polished balls in my mouth,
That's your job, Tanja,
Tanja, Santa is now shaved,
Exactly!
- What Santa? - I'll tell you later,
The stubble itches like hell,
What stubble?
Want a speech? You'll get a speech!
Eva Lersberger, you've still got the hottest ass!
- I'm a lesbian, - No!
No, you're not a thespian,
Lesbian! I'm a lesbian!
- No, you're just terribly old, - Lesbian!
I jerked off while thinking of you for 30 years,
Oh my God! Nils!
- Are you okay? - Yeah,
I've been driving myself crazy thinking about what to say,
Worrying if I'm too ugly or too boring,
Who cares?
I mean, I haven't seen you for 30 years and there's a reason for that,
I really don't care about you,
You don't care about me,
Because what's important
is what the people who are part of my daily life think of me,
It's taken me a while,
but I think I've finally got it,
When I'm really old,
I won't want to look younger,
I'll want to look happy,
I somehow forgot that,,,
I've been damn lucky so far,
Because there is nothing in this life
that I'll have to face alone,
Do you know why? Because I have my family,
My friends,
Give it up for my best friends,
Andreas and Tommy,
And thinking back, my life is actually,,,
super awesome!
Hemorrhoids and all! And bruised balls,
Oh my God!
I'll go get the car,
Keep your eyes on the road,
- What did you take? - A white pill a young lady gave me,
- A young lady? - Yes,
A very nice young girl who expanded my consciousness,
I'll always be grateful to her,
I thought drugs were shit,
Drugs are shit, but we'll make an exception in your case,
- You should take one every day, - No need, I'm a new person,
- Oops, Shit, - Andi, be careful!
Sure, You've been transformed,
He's doing it on purpose,
Here, "Greed is Great",
That's the worst slogan I've ever read,
- Greed is shitty, - Did you hear that?
I know that,
I'm not in the mood to go home,
Let me think,
Why were we kicked out?
Do you know what I'd love to do?
If you eat the burnt bits, you get cancer,
- I like them crunchy, - You'll get cancer!
- But I like them crunchy, - Tuck in, then,
Enjoy,
I thought your speech was great,
- Really? - The end part was a bit unnecessary,
But the part about family and friends
being the most important thing was nice,
Maybe the audience would've taken it in
if you hadn't shown your hemorrhoids,
- A toast, - Do I get some?
Of course,
- Very funny, - A toast!
Let's do this more,
- Oldies say that, it never happens, - You could join,
- Our age average will be lowered, - Deal,
- Nils? - Yes?
Have you ever told your children?
- Told them what? - How important they are to you,
Have you ever told them you love them?
They know I do regardless,
But have you told them?
I've told Sarah,
But not Olli?
- No, - Why not?
Because he's a boy,
- Boys don't want to hear such things, - Tray,
- Sarah always calls me that, - No wonder, You talk shit,
I say it Nono at least five times a day,
And he always says,
"Dad, you've already told me ten times"!
I always said that to my mom, too,
But I still liked hearing it,
Can we go to sleep now?
Good night, Nils,
Good night, Andreas, Good night, Lili,
Good night, Silverback,
Good night, Tommy,
Good night, John-Boy,
Tommy, you're the coolest,
- Want to eat? - Yes, We're hungry,
Gucci, Prada, Tom Ford?
Did you buy her those?
- You promised me! - I didn't buy her those,
Her friend Lisa, an oligarch's daughter, got them,
An oligarch? Lisa's dad is a landscape gardener,
A landscape gardener?
More or less the same, We had an awesome weekend,
I never thought I'd have a nice time with three silverbacks,
- Silverbacks? - Gorillas, Mom,
I'd tell you over breakfast, but I'm hungry,
- I bought monogamous bread rolls, - Delicious,
As of today, and till death do you part,
The butter,
- Have you got anything to say? - I could wash your car twice a week,
HI SILVERBACK, THANKS FOR A GREAT TIME, ANDI CHIPPED IN,
Lenny! Hey!
It's so nice to see you, boy,
There are my girls! Guess who was in the neighborhood,
I came home and saw Lenny climbing up the ladder,
I invited him to breakfast, I hope that's okay, Sarah,
Are you kidding me, you dummy?
Come here, little one,
I'm so sorry I was an ass, It will never happen again,
- I'm so proud you put up with it, - With what?
Being a teen, school, parents,
- And all that without taking pills, - Speaking of pills,,,
We'll talk after breakfast,
Check,
May I?
You're right, It looks fresh,
- What's up? - Never too late to have nice hair,
I love you, son,
You've never told me that before,
But I like,
Who knew reading glasses looked so good,
Depends who wears them, Did you always look so good?
Yes, you just hadn't paid much attention for a while,
Visa card,
Now, I'm curious,
Is everything Okay?
Everything's fine,
Subtitles: No Limits Media 2018