Stop the vehicle immediately,
Stop it right there,
I repeat, pull over,
I am giving you a direction to stop the vehicle,
Failure to comply with my direction is an offence,
Stop the tractor!
You are under arrest for trespass
and theft of a conveyance,
Stop being a dickhead and pull over,
I can't, mate! I'm trying to get to the airport!
Ok, Ok,
Argh!
Sorry!
My dad has a saying:
"A lie begins in the soul and then travels the world,"
There have been three lies that have shaped my life,
The first is the one that saved my father's life,
before I was born,
He was arrested by Saddam Hussein's men
for opposing the dictator,
He would have been killed,
had it not been for his friends
posing as prison guards,
Mahdi,
They escaped by crossing the border to Iran,
Surely that was a good lie?
I mean, without it, I wouldn't even be here today,
The second lie was us believing
we could have a life as Iraqis in Iran,
Eventually, we realised
we were never gonna make it in Iran,
We have just flown
out of iranian airspace
and can now serve alcohol in all cabins,
So please, sit back and enjoy
our in-flight service to Melbourne,
This leads to my third lie, my biggest lie,
Do I look like someone who eats bacon?
And as you and god are my witnesses,,,
Come judgement day, you answer,
,,Today this lie must end,
Today I will tell you the whole truth,
Prayer has started,
Kill them, bombers! Kill them!
Oh, god be with you, Watson! Run, run, run!
-Goal! Goal! - Yes, come on, bombers!
Ali, study, study,
- Mineralocorticoids, - God is with us!
Remember yaqoub from our village?
Mustafa found him here in the detention centre,
Yaqoub knows the guy
who supplies my cousin jaasem's shop in Basra,
- Mafia coming through, - Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?
Don't worry, i got this on a good deal,
The supplier told yaqoub he,,,
Please listen,
The supplier told yaqoub he saw my mother,
Hm?
My mother, alive,
- Still alive? - In Basra,
- Grandmother is alive? - Ali, study,
Thank god! I may finally have a mother-in-law!
One week to go, son,
Keep doing what you are doing and you will reap rewards,
Come on, boys, man up, - Top student,
- Prayer has started! - It's the last quarter!
What's this?
It's adult science, you wouldn't know,
- What is it? - If you must know,
it's the pancreas,
Lucky guess,
Go away, Ramona,
Do the tackle!
Baba, bring your mother,
And your costume for the play,
Why did we choose the bombers?
All they do is tear my heart apart,
Like you,
In the time of the bani umayyah empire,
the prince and his treasurer
were walking along when they came across an old man
planting a date seed,
That date seed will only bear fruit
after your death,
What will you gain?
Old men have planted before me
and I have eaten their fruit,
The prince was very moved by this,
He turned to his treasurer and said,
oh, old man, you are,,,
Ali, son, no improvising,
Sorry, dad,
- Sisters, please!
,,And replied,,,
Oh, exalted one, you suggested,,,
Jamal's parents came last week to ask for her hand
and they did not get to drink the tea,
Mum,
The prince turned to his treasurer
signalling for another purse,
I'm signalling for another purse,
But this time his treasurer put up his hand,
Enough wisdom!
This damn date seed will bankrupt our kingdom!
He thinks this place is a theatre for making jokes,
And they pay him, and I'm the one driving a taxi,
Brothers and sisters,,,
We do not know what fruit our seeds will bear,
But if our hearts and intentions are pure,,,
,,The rewards can be a thousand times what we expect,
Auditions for this year's musical
will be held after Friday prayers,
Will we encore our hit show, the prophet's last battle?
I still know my lines,
Hajjina, we have been singing about the prophet's battle
for three years now,
This year, inshallah, i will write
a more contemporary musical,
I'm tingling with anticipation,
The trial of Saddam Hussein,
It will be comedy,
The man caused us so much pain,
believe me, now he will make us laugh,
Ahh!
You follow in the steps of a great man,
May you draw upon his wisdom for your exam,
- Ayoob, - Yup?
- That's her, - Who?
- I'm gonna talk to her, - Oh, not here,
Ali, no,
No,
I'll get the jumper leads from my car to help you,
Yes, please, Jumper leads, Ok, Thank you very much,
Thank you,
Will you be wanting milk tonight?
Jumper leads! Jumper leads! Jumper leads!
I hope you're ready for the big exam, son of the cleric,
Jumper leads!
Man, you won't get into medicine,
Yes, I will, I got a degree in science, didn't I?
Just, They gave him a science degree too, you know,
But he hasn't spent the last year
studying for the medical entrance exam,
- Have you? - Look, man,
I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually ready
to sit this goddamn exam,
Do you even want to do medicine?
He has to sit the exam,
I'm a forklift driver and my father makes me sit the exam,
Except I'm smart enough to know I'm stupid,
- Put it back, - Oi! Twinnies!
I don't want to know,
- Reseal it, - Hey, is that the one?
Ah, yeah, Tonight's the night, boys, I'm gonna talk to her,
But you already did, - We had a great conversation,
- But this is the next level, - Ali,
don't do the stupid voice, no one gets it,
Good evening,
I see you came for the milk,
And I've got something special to show you,
Or a special that we have,
The chupa chups, they're on special,
Lot of specials, Ten for five dollars,
So if I spend 50 dollars you'd give me 100?
We don't have that many in stock,
That's a pity, That's all I wanted,
Um,,,So do you need a hand
carrying these to your father's shop?
- It's two bottles, - So you're ok?
Yeah, I'm ok,
Are you sure
you don't want the president of Iraq to help you
carry the milk bottles?
Eh?
Dictator,
That was Saddam Hussein's voice,
You can Google it,
I don't think I will be,
You're sitting the medical entrance exam?
Ah, yeah, I'm gonna be a doctor,
Hm,,,Charlie,
Oh, no, my name's Ali,
This is the aussie version, so it's ch,,,Ali,
I know who you are, Son of the cleric,
And I know who you are, dianne,
You're the daughter of the fish and chip man,
- Thanks,
That's how I like to be remembered,
Just put it on the account,
Salam alaikum!
You idiot! You just ruined it for me,
Oh, I ruined it for you?
It wasn't the Saddam voice that killed it dead?
You need to get married, bro, like me,
- You got married by mistake, - It's the damn tea ceremony,
It's a minefield, The turks do it different to the persians
and they do it different to us,
- How do you guys do it? - It doesn't matter,
The sex is the same, Unbelievable, man,
And my wife reckons
I'm starting to get the hang of it,
- Oh, you animal!
Retroperitoneal,
- Retroperitoneal, Retro,,,
I found this, Hassan's initial,
We put it on when he won the math prize in abadan,
I remember, dad,
He would have made a great doctor,
It may not bring you luck,
but it might bring you comfort,
Come, Breakfast,
- Ali!
Charlie,
Hey!
You never told me you were doing medicine,
I didn't know i needed your permission,
No, no, I mean we could've studied together,
Psst!
I got your chupa chups in,
I'm about to do a seven-hour exam, Stop talking,
Ah, Ali,
Hi, luay, Good luck,
Yeah, you too,
Baba habibi?
My leader, you are gracious
to spare this time for such a foolish man,
Please, hajjina, Ali will serve as witness, Sit,
What do you think you're doing?
That's my racket, you idiot,
We all must take a leaf out of this family's book,
Your children have self-respect,
This house is exactly
as we have come to know of the prophet,
We are all beneath god's wide, generous shadow,
But, please, to your issue,
Sheikhna, the last day of ramadan,
I coached soccer all day,
no water, no food, 100 degrees,
and I come home and she's burnt the lamb!
And the baklava was like concrete,
Even within this house there is the occasional angry word,
No, my leader, In my anger, i divorced her three times,
You said the words three times?
- More, It was more! - Mm,
Unfortunately, you are from the hanafi faith,
and once you say to god
"i divorce my wife" three times, there is no going back,
I've lost the most beautiful woman in the world
over a piece of baklava!
To be clear,,,
,,When you uttered the words "i divorce you"
did you say: "I divorce you" and then had a shower,
then came out and said it again?
And took a walk, and said it again for the third time?
I said it all in one terrible moment
that will haunt me for eternity,
So, it was one thought,
a continuum, a singularity,
What do you mean, my leader?
In soccer, when Ali kicks a goal,
the crowd cry "goal! Goal! Goal!"
But how many goals has Ali kicked?
- One, - One thought,
One divorce, Hm?
Go to your wife and commit to her with all your heart,
even to the baklava,
You have saved my family!
May you grow in his shadow and guide us all,
And with a good wife by your side,
See you at rehearsals, Ali,
Can you make your own laws, dad?
Believe me, even the prophet
would not have wanted a divorce,
No man is complete without marriage,
But tell me, how was your exam?
Good,
- You got a top mark? - Guaranteed,
Have you told dad you're fucked?
You won't even get 80, man,
You don't know that for sure, I answered all the questions,
You know I love you, bro, right?
Stop pretending you're gonna be like the old man,
You and I both know we're never gonna be as good as him,
Johnno, you fucking dickhead,
you're fucking cleaning that, arsehole,
- Mohammad, - This is my job, dad,
I have to speak Australian,
Get me the fuckin' keys to the car
you were meant to fuckin' put there,
Please,
Dad, we're meant to believe in miracles, right?
I mean, they do happen?
There is a riddle: A bridge is about to collapse,
- Any weight, it'd crumble,
Your temporary transport,
Whoo!
Hey, mate, don't put it in! Don't put it in!
Allawi!
96,2, But what is a number?
I'm sure your family will throw you
an even bigger celebration,
Finally, someone who's not a taxi driver,
Please, please, My son and i are merely slaves of god,
If my son becomes a doctor and serves this community,
it is not because of my genes
or my endless hours of schooling,
It is,,,Him,
Ali! My good friend,
University of Melbourne, here we come,
96,2, huh?
Maybe we should not be so vocal in our celebration,
We must remember not all can bask under god's glory,
If the prophet had not banned gambling,
I would bet my entire house
that Ali would have a higher score than luay,
So,,,Enlighten us, Ali,
Come on, Ali, tell us, The suspense is tingling me!
There is no man alive smarter than his father,
Maybe only his son,
I got 96 also,,,
,,Point four,
I would have won a house!
What is this I hear?
What is this they are saying at the mosque?
96,4?
Oh, praise be to god! 96,4!
I was worried you'd struggle to get 90!
All the years fighting in the war,
dragging my family from one hell to another!
My dumb brother is a genius!
My brother's a genius! A genius!
My dumb brother's a genius,
- My handsome son!
You are too gorgeous to be a doctor,
Here's to rid the evil eye,
Mum,,,
We have also ordered
a dozen sheep from the abattoir as an offering,
Oh, no, I don't want the sheep to die for no reason,
Free them instead,
Wait until everyone hears back home,
hears that my son is finally a doctor!
Guys, guys, just one second, Please be quiet,
- Be quiet! - Ssh, ssh,
I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of this,
No fuss! No fuss,
The next student is Jamal hilfi,
Unbelievable, man, I thought you were as dumb as me,
I only got 68,9, Your father must be over the moon,
,,Accepted into the paramedic course,
Well, paramedic may sound like a fancy name
for nurses driving vans,
but more important is that we serve the almighty creator,
Next to sit the entrance exam,
this humble slave's very own son, luay,
with a score of 96,2,
And easily accepted into
medicine at Melbourne university,
Next on the list is ayoob maitham,
Oh, dear,
Ayoob, er,,, With a score of 68,9,
- No gift for you, ayoob,
Some of our sisters are on the list too,
and one of them has achieved a reasonable score,
Indeed, 99,1, Wow!
Mashallah, Praise be to god,
She's also been accepted into
medicine at Melbourne university,
and if her father is willing to turn his back
from the way of the prophet
and let her to go to the university
and mix with westerners,,,
I hear she wears ripped jeans,
And our revered cleric's own son got a score of 96,4,
- Good on you, Ali,
and to everyone who succeeded,
Congratulations to our sisters on their scores,
notably our top student,
And if you were my daughter, i would be very proud,
Speech! Speech!
Speech!
- Brothers and sisters,
Don't use the echo,
Brothers and sisters,
first of all, I must congratulate our sister,
the true top student!
- But you! - You're a genius, bro,
Brothers and sisters, surely we are all equal?
There's a funny thing that the English say,
"You say potato, i say pot-ahto,"
Let's say, for example, i got 96,4,
Or 68,5,
Brothers, what I mean is, I'd be the same person
standing before you today, flesh and blood,
My heart would still pump blood,,,
Already he enlightens us with medical terminology!
- Thank you,
What is most important to you -
intelligence, appearance or cleaning skills?
- What? - Apart from wealth,
As a doctor you will make great money,
Forget it, I will sort it out, Cleaning, I think,
Ask him, father,
Ali, baba,
You failed, didn't you?
I got 68,5,
- You have to tell dad, - Are you crazy?
It'll destroy the family, dad's reputation,
Am I crazy? You just told the biggest lie in the world,
What were you thinking?
I'm the smart one like dad, I'm gonna be the doctor,
And you're the idiot who has to sort this out,
What?
Super save,
Come on! That all you got?
Hey! The queen!
99,1, huh?
Potato, pot-ahto, What's in a score?
Well done! See, i knew you were brilliant,
- You're our top student, - Really? You think that?
Yeah, Well done and a million well dones,
Hey, we're gonna do medicine together,
- I won't be doing it, - Why not?
Your dad, right?
I told him our community needed a Muslim
to look after our women, but he won't move,
- We've gotta go, - He'd have a heart attack
if he found out i played basketball, yeah?
You know, Charlie,
you and your dad were the only ones
that congratulated me on my score,
Come on, d,
Dianne!
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I did that already,
Salam alaikum, haj mohsen,
- Wa-alaikum assalaam, Ali, - How are you?
- All right, - Five potato cakes, thanks,
- How is our beloved cleric?
Although he's starting to get the aches,
But as soon as I'm a doctor, I'll fix him,
Perhaps you will fix me too, huh?
My shoulder, my knee, habibi, you don't want to know,
And the western doctors don't understand the arab body,
They know nothing, Whoa! Stop bowling wides!
How many runs are we chasing?
Do you have a doctor in the family?
Only my wife's family in mesr, In Egypt,
And here,,,
Then you need to find someone, Urgent,
My uncle adnan, he was written off
by every western doctor in the country,
But, praise be to god, alhamdulillah,
his niece devoted her life to him,
she studied medicine, and now you should see him,
He's a tennis coach, Fit like a bull,
Lbw! Wallah useless!
Bloody bludger and useless,
Ali,,,
You know the universities here,
Hm?
Horny boys, Hm?
You understand, hm?
I'll be going to the same uni, I could watch out for her,
tell you if I see anything,
Salam alaikum,
Ali!
- Your potato cakes, - Hm?
You want chicken salt?
So, my mother relocated from Basra to najaf,
No,
- Oh, to Baghdad! - To Baghdad?
What are they saying? Is faiq going to see her personally
- or is he sending someone? - My mother is in Baghdad?
- Where? - Get him to hire a car,
- It's only 500ks! - I can hardly hear you,
Ali, cut the noise! Your father can't hear anything!
I can't hear anything
because I have a mad woman next to me,
- Please, Faiq? - Talk, talk, talk,
Hello?
- Hello? - I lost the line,
I'll try again,
Dad, maybe I should drive,
It has a sports gearbox and an unusual clutch,
It's right here,
Dad, I have to tell you, I'm not as,,,
- I'm not as clever
- as everybody thinks, - I apologise!
I didn't know you owned the road!
This has been the week from god,
My mother is alive, the play will begin soon,
and you are to be doctor,
- No, dad, what I meant,,,
Dad, can you get out of first?
No, no, we are here, We are here,
Give Barbie back her car, you wanker!
Good on you, mate,
If only god would let me raise it back at you,
Dad, the mechanic's back that way, What are we doing here?
There are many paths in life, allawi,
Sheikhna! Ho-ho-ho! Hajina!
Wow!
- What a surprise, - A surprise indeed,
You know our daughter yomna,
She is as you described her, The pride of your eye,
This is the doctor in the flesh, Say hello,
Hello,
G'day,
Dad, you're in a no standing zone,
- We are sitting, - Sheikhna,
I'll see you at training, Ali,
Wow!
She is nice, Don't you think?
I don't know, dad, Probably, yeah,
What did I press here?
Where's dad? I have to speak to him now,
No, no, you were right, I have to tell him the truth,
- Ali, no, - Hey, dad,
Ssh,
He's just learnt his mother has died,
Oh, dad,
She had a heart attack,
It would have been nice if she knew I was still alive,
She knew, I'm sure she knew,
Come, let's give your father some space,
- That really sucks, dad,
She would have been so proud of you, son,
- You're seriously doing this? - I can make this work,
I'll sit in all the lectures, study hard for a year,
re-sit the exam fully prepared,
You're an idiot,
Baba Ali,
Let the journey begin,
Go and return with health, my son,
Yeah, lots of healthy shit, bro,
Good luck,
Thanks, guys,
Hello, Charlie,
The queen! All hail! You made it,
I wanted to thank you,
It's because of you I'm here,
Oh, every arab man
has a medical condition he wants looked into,
Mind you, I have to find a cure for arthritis
by the end of the year - no pressure,
I should,,, I should go in,
Ali!
Luay,
Shall we?
We shall,
The plasmalemma,
otherwise termed the cell membrane, is composed of
phospholipids, proteins, glycolipids and cholesterol,
The plasmalemma is called the phospholipid bilayer
because its phospholipids have two distinct layers
and the molecules lie
so that the heads are at the surface
and the tails are on the inside,
I'm down in the hole,
You ask me why,
Smoking ganja and getting high,
He's getting high, getting high,
It all started with a lie,
Go, America, f-you, goodbye,
He's getting high, getting high,
Our president is getting high,
Stop there, please! Stop!
Very good, Er,,,
I think we need to make the dance less suggestive,
Can I speak with the bathists, please?
- Suggestive? - Should I shave the beard?
- Ali, - Hm?
So, what did you think of today's,,,
,,Immunoglobulin genetic diversity lecture?
I found it,,,
,,Intense,
You know, we might travel to uni together sometimes,
swap notes,
- Great, - Test each other,
Great,
Thank you,
- After you, - No, after you,
But you're to my right,
- Now you're to my right, - But you,,,
Are you two dancing or are you in this tute?
Yeah,
No, they swapped me over into this, so,,,
I am looking for my son the doctor, Ali albasri,
Call him for me,
Psst,
You know how we've been talking student to student?
I thought maybe we could talk male to female,
You know, speak-speak,
I mean, not now, but when you're ready,
How would you know when I'm ready?
- Morning, all, - Morning,
Right, everyone, Alicia here is patient x,
- Hi, - I need a volunteer
to take her case history,
You, Briefcase,
Your face is not familiar,
Yeah, I was swapped over,
Ali,
Ok, Ali, Come down,
This is a 26-year-old female
who comes into the gp clinic,
You're a second-year gp intern, Take her history,
So I'm the doctor, - You're the doctor,
- Good afternoon, Alicia, - Afternoon,
Thanks for coming to my clinic,
What seems to be the problem this afternoon?
I have a really weird discharge,
Oh, That's no good,
Not good,
What do you mean, he is not on the list?
He was the first boy at the mosque to get in!
- I'll find him myself! - You can't just go in there!
With the discharge, did you see it first,
smell it or hear it?
I saw it, and then I smelt it, But it didn't make a noise,
Come, come, come, come!
Oh, shit,
No wonder we couldn't find him, He is operating,
See? These mad people tell me they don't know you,
Is this your teacher?
I'm sorry, it's a family emergency,
- Is he a good teacher? - He's one of the greats, mum,
Our two families are having tea,
You need to dress up,
Hello, Ayoob, Hey, bro,
Hey, with this tea ceremony,
what do I do not to get married?
Spoon in? Spoon out?
Do I drink the tea, not drink the tea?
Relax but listen carefully,
So, you grab the sugar,
I thought ours didn't have the sugar,
No, it does! Oh, wait,
Look, forget the sugar for the moment,
The most important thing is when you drink the tea,,,
Ok, so when do I drink the tea?
Ayoob?
,,If you don't want to get married,
Ali! Oh, my,,,
When do I drink the tea?
No!
Don't operate until I see her,
And how is the play?
Excellent, My Ali is very gifted,
Although his primary concern,
as you have witnessed first hand,
is to be a great surgeon one day,
- That is so balanced of him, - Indeed,
He plays five instruments,
I must say, I never thought of Saddam Hussein
- as being this handsome, - It was an issue,
Saddam was an ugly, fat man
and my boy, well, you can see with your eyes,
Indeed, My own daughter,
I wish she could hide her beauty
behind a false moustache,
Speaking of my angel,
- She is beautiful, - Of course,
Sheikhna, please try my baklava,
He drinks the tea before i have given my approval,
The boy is so eager to marry, it is done!
Oh, my doctor son is engaged!
Very unorthodox with the sugar business,
but we are here,
A thousand blessings on our newly engaged couple,
Two faiths under one roof,
You are quiet,
Our son is speechless with joy,
I will call everybody tonight,
- You liked the tea? - It was tea,
That will show all those women
who thought you would be single forever,
Or worse,
It's my degree,
How can I be a proper husband when I'm studying?
Your father fought in a war, studied for two decades
and fathered four children all at once,
No, mum, I'm not as good as dad, I need to focus,
Maybe he's right, After all, this is Australia,
People only do one thing at a time,
Perhaps I could convince haj karim and other witnesses
to hold off the announcement,
Maybe till the end of your first year is better,
And you, no calls,
Just three calls,
No, not even half a call,
Woman,,,
The son of the cleric says he's in tutorials with you,
My name's dianne,
- Is it true? - Completely,
My name is dianne, See?
Is it true, dianne?
What, you want 100 points of ID?
Is it true he's in tutorials with you?
He, you mean Ali?
What do you have against him?
I have worked day and night to get where I am,
I deserve to be here,
And I don't like to see the son of the cleric
getting an easy ride,
He's not a good Muslim, You should know that,
So I will ask you again,
Is he in tutorials with you as he says he is,,,
Dianne?
Yeah, he comes to every session,
And he's the second smartest student in my class, luay,
Why did you do the potato/pot-ahto speech
at the mosque?
It was a spontaneous speech,
You didn't get 96,4, did you?
- It's complicated, - What are you doing here?
I'm doing the study, just not enrolled,
What, so in six years, you're gonna become
a pretend doctor and treat pretend patients?
The prophet says it's not so much the end result,
it's the intention, I'm doing it for my dad,
You of all people should know what it's like,
Dianne, ever since I was a kid,
I was introduced as dr Ali this and surgeon Ali that,
I didn't have the guts to tell them I was moron Ali,
And now I have to carry this with me every day!
- What, a briefcase? - It's my older brother's,
He was the smart one,
He should have been the great surgeon,
but he had to go and step on a fucking landmine!
You know what? It's er,,, it's my problem,
I won't bother you with it again,
We're out of milk,
How about the 100 chupa chups?
Charlie, do you even want to do medicine?
It doesn't matter now,
But, yes, I'd like to help people,
I'll help you,
You helped me get in, I'll help you get in,
What's the most common disorder of
the autonomic nervous system
that can impede systemic circulation?
I know it's not good,
Great, What's it responsible for?
The heart?
Ali, the hardest thing in the world for me
has been getting in, i can't waste time,
Tell me when you've studied it properly,
One of the most common disorders is
the long-standing diabetic damage
to the autonomic nerves,
They call it the er,,, Diabetic autonomic neuropathy,
Give me the physiology of what happens
to your cardiovascular system out of a warm bed,
Give me to lunchtime,
Your blood pressure would drop immediately
and your heart would contract
and beat more rapidly and vigorously
as your arteries increase their tone
and then your blood pressure recovers,
Like every day, when I see you,
No, dianne, I'm sorry, I,,,
Were you talking to her?
Yeah, about the last lecture,
Oh, the causes of cirrhosis,
- What were they again? - Why? Weren't you listening?
Alcohol abuse, viruses, hep a, b, c,
No, not a, just b and c,
I'm really sorry, That was wrong,
I can't study with you tonight,
I understand,
I'm going to a film with my basketball team,
At 8:30, The dorset cinema,
Soldier down! It's ray!
Mum, there's this girl at the mosque quite pious,
she's also doing medicine,
That chick with the English name?
- Dianne, She's really nice, - The Lebanese one?
I think her mum was Egyptian or something,
- Not Iraqi, - I see her at uni sometimes,
Yes, They say her father doesn't approve,
but she seems nice enough,
Listen habibi, layal,
the one her son went to school with rami and momtaz,
she has a sinus problem, i said you'd go check it out,
- What? I'm not a doctor yet, - You're as good as one,
Dianne's gonna be a doctor, she,,,
The antenna guy quotes us 200 bucks
to put up the aerial,
You know what I told him to do with it?
You just assume I told him to shove it up his arse,
Anyways, I'll put up the aerial myself,
save you guys some cashola, huh?
You are the muscles of this family,
- Thank you, - Brains, Muscles,
I have all the children i need,
My fee? Let's call it 100 bucks,
You'll still be up 100 buckeroos,
- Give him 50 dollars, - One day I'll be out of here,
Dianne's surprisingly devout,
She was born here, wasn't she?
But doesn't the koran say
we're all the children of one earth?
Yes, but the koran was written
before Australia was discovered,
The prophet didn't know about the beaches here,
You know the rumours we hear about girls born here,
I was born here! - Ahh!
Your sister, she has seen things beyond her age,
Men in bathers, People kissing on TV,
I can still hear you, - Mohammad!
Get your sister to help you with the antenna,
I'm not going on the roof with that lunatic!
- Mum, dianne is different, - Ali, habibi,
Girls brought up here are like our dishwasher,
We thought we were buying it brand new,
till we found out it was a floor model,
And she's not right for your brother,
- For moe? - Enough! She's Lebanese,
Ramona, get up here!
You call yourself fit?
If I was the coach, I'd get you all
to strip naked in the desert and run like donkeys,
I've got to go, I've got to study,
The oil in the fryer needs changing,
We never change it,
Customers need to be served,
If I change the oil now and serve all night, can I go?
Please, I'll be back by eight, I'll make you mum's tagine,
Hm? Yeah?
Everything now and back by seven,
- Thank you, - Mm,
- I love you, dad, - No smoking,
I know,
I could never tell my dad we speak-speak? Could you?
Mum's funny about the Lebanese,
My dad thinks you Iraqis are the source
of all the misery in the middle east,
Oh,
My mum just reckons you guys ruined middle eastern food,
Oh, I don't know what I want,
I do,
It's so beautiful here,
You know, this is as much as we can ever do,
Yes, I know,
Good, good, Apart,
We're a very modern family here,
I'll be downstairs if you need me,
- What? Really? - I hate children,
They can be annoying,
Test match cricket,
Mm-hm, As long as you're comfortable, I will be too,
Ah!
What are you trying to tell me, Ali?
Two,
I'd want two kids,
At least,
And three sugars,
So this chick you're saddled with, she's a dog, eh?
No, She's beautiful, Nice too,
I'm struggling to see the problem,
- She's not the one, mate, - Then who is?
Not that medical chick?
Unbelievable man, How could you keep this from us?
- You animal! - It's weird,
When I'm with dianne, i feel like I'm me,
It's weird because you're engaged,
You can't be seen together or speak to her,
Does dianne know you're engaged?
- Off course not, - Call off the engagement,
He can't! What would people say? Your father?
- I know, - Moussa's mum, remember?
Two weeks in hospital after he called it off, Unbelievable,
Can't you guys have, like, 72 wives or some shit?
Forgot your gun, There you go,
Saddam Hussein!
Cue Saddam Hussein 20 minutes ago!
What are you doing here? Go away,
I found a way we can be together,
- Temporary marriage, - Temporary marriage?
You came here just to say that?
C'mon, that's just a loophole for horny arabs,
Yeah, but it's a written law,
"A man who desireth temporary marriage
must first set a reasonable time limit,
reasonable dowry, treat the woman with dignity,"
I'm all about that,
It's not in the koran, not in the text,
But it's here,
It means we can have a proper full relationship,
But, you know, temporary, Like Australians,
What are you two talking about?
Your daughter's just asking me about a cure for arthritis,
Ok,
Jewell station, tomorrow, at 11 o'clock,
Ok? Go,
Go,
I haven't got long, I'm supposed be delivering these,
How does this work?
I don't know, but once we get married we could do things,
I could say things to you,
We can say things now,
No, like when we're alone, I could say I like you,
And if you felt like it, you could say you like me,
Apart from standing around saying we like each other,
what else can we do?
We could go bowling!
Ok, We could go bowling,
We could have ice cream together,
We could go to the aquarium, We could watch another movie,
I could put my arm around your waist this time,
How long would we be married?
Medicine is six years,
How about we start with six weeks?
- Sure, Great, - Ok,
But no one can know,
I think we need two witnesses,
- You look so beautiful, - Say your vows,
We've got to catch the next train,
I, Ali dianne,,,
Ali albasri, take dianne mohsen
to be my lawfully,,,
Religiously lawfully wedded wife,
- and her dowry being,,, - The fish and chips will do,
Her dowry being 200g of snapper,
Flake, Don't eat the snapper at our place,
- Quick, - So do you take me?
I do, For six weeks,
We've now witnessed this solemn proceeding,
So kiss her,
We should give this temporary marriage thing a go,
I will never, ever be caught!
Yes!
All your secrets will be open,
Master, the Americans have crashed through the gates,
- We must run,
What's happened? Oh, no,
Allahu akbar,
Come on, Saddam!
Nuke them with your might and power!
Yeah!
- There are no wmds!
I had to fake it till I make it!
No! It cannot end like this! Please!
- We're going to Broadway, - Broadway!
- Unbelievable, man! - No, no, no!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
No! No one said Broadway!
It's the ibn khattab multipurpose hall,
How does that even sound like Broadway?
It is a Muslim community hall in Detroit,
- We're going to Detroit! - Detroit!
Yes! Yes!
Our very dear friend, doctor hasoon albandar,
is the brother-in-law to the Iraqi ambassador in the us,
He saw the show and he loved it, He made one call
and we have been invited to perform it live in Detroit,
Sheikhna, won't that mean
we'll be serving the devil regime of the usa?
Luay will not be needed, Principal cast only,
So your conscience can remain guilt-free,
I'm not going to Detroit?
Bro! Moustache!
You've got your hair out,
And you've got a stupid moustache,
Oh, yeah, Listen, I've found a way for us to stay together,
We are together,
No, together-together, Forever,
- The play's going to America, - What?
- Yeah, - That's amazing!
- You were so good, - Really?
- I was really proud, - So this is god,
the author of destinies and will,
and he's laying out the path for us,
- Slow down, Charlie, - God wants me to disappear,
In the states, I'm going to call dad,
away from the mosque, away from everything,
I'll tell him the truth, I'll stay and won't come back,
- I don't want you to go, - Just hear me out,
So, I drop medicine,
You were never doing medicine,
I'm going to get work there as an actor,
Hollywood always needs people like us to play terrorists,
Then you can join me, You come over and we get married
and stay there until our parents forgive us,
This sounds like one of your plans, We can't just run away,
I'm not turning my back on medicine,
- No, you mustn't,
There's great medical schools there,
- This is insane, - No, it's more than insane,
But we're muslims, what other options have we got?
In America, we can live like Australians,
Do you really want to be with me forever?
Please don't,
Please,,, Charlie,
Dianne,,,I want to marry you,
And not temporary,
- Shit! - What?
Fishbone,
Dianne, I've never known ever what I've wanted, but,,,
This I know,
- Don't you want to marry me?
What have you done with my glasses?
They'll be on his stupid head,
Please just think about it,
I'll call you as soon as I'm settled,
Flight 41 to Seattle,,,
Tell us one more time, We like hearing your aussie accent,
How many times do I have to tell you? It's a musical,
A comedy, It's a funny play about Saddam Hussein,
We don't tend to laugh at terrorism,
- Terrorism? - It's on your phone,
What have you guys planted on my phone?
"We will come back and kill them,"
That's not mine,
Your words,
"I'll have front row seats,"
- What? - "I will watch them suffer,
The bombers will slaughter you,"
Should I keep reading this obscenity?
Name the bombers,
The bombers,
The bombers are a footie team,
Afl,
Aussie rules, You guys have NFL, we've got afl,
Those were texts I sent to my mate wazza,
cos he's an idiot magpie fan,
You gotta admire the guile of these guys,
They concoct a pro-American play,
sell out to a thousand crazed zealots in Detroit
and then hide all their sicko terrorist messages
behind a football team,
Wow,
No, no, no, I've got to be in Detroit,
I've got to disappear, It's god's plan!
Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking,
Fasten your seat belts,
We have some turbulence on our descent into Melbourne,
A few bumps ahead, I'm afraid,
Ali?
I will ask you this once and once only,
All I want is a straight answer,
Are you doing medicine?
Did you get the score you told everyone you got?
Sheikhna, don't be too hard on the boy,
I was only trying to let them know you were overseas
and they told me you weren't even enrolled,
So naturally we thought there must be a mistake, but alas,
When have I given you the impression I am your enemy
or, worse, a dictator? Or,,,
You couldn't come to me and tell me straight?
"Dad, I failed, I'm sorry,
- I tried, but not to be," - I'm sorry, dad,
Sorry nothing!
You will apologise to the community,
I am done,
The prophet has said that lying is a sin,
which burns away at the soul as fire burns through wood,
Hence, I stand before you and before god,,,
,,Offering my repentance,
Ahem!
We've now heard it, Where to now? I hear everyone ask,
Sheikh mahdi has done a reasonable job
raising his children,
I don't see the need for our sheikh
to step down,,,Immediately,
However, if my son had been a lying failure,
I know in my heart I could not live with the shame,
It is with great pain,
I must reveal another, yet more shocking, truth,
I, unwittingly, while driving my taxi,
stumbled upon Ali with a loose Muslim woman
at places not consistent with our religion,
A bowling alley! An aquarium!
The picture resolution is not perfect, but if you zoom in,,,
What is this fool on about? Tell me this was with you?
No,
Haj karim, you offered Ali
your daughter's hand in marriage,
And he has betrayed her with another woman,
It helps no one to name names,
The girl knows who she is,
That's what happens when we let
our women go to university,
Please, sir, it's not her fault, Please,
I beg you, nothing improper happened, She's guiltless,
It's not her fault,
- You have said enough,
Dianne, wait, I've never touched yomna,
My parents, the community, they arranged it, Believe me,
Why would I do that?
You've told so many lies you have no soul left,
Everything about you is just a lie,
Everything except you is a lie,
Do you get what you've done, Ali?
I can't do medicine,
He's going to send me back to Lebanon,
You have fucked up my life, You have fucked up my life,
I'll talk to your dad, I'll talk to my dad,
Don't talk to anyone, Ever,
Sit in a cave for the rest of your life,
Just leave me the fuck alone,
- But I love you, - I absolutely hate you,
I hate you! I hate you!
I divorce you! I divorce you! I divorce you!
I divorce you! I divorce you a thousand times,
That's one continuous thought,
All this madness will soon be behind us,
Let's just get through today, hm?
Good boy,
Prove yourself a worthy husband to yomna
and all will be forgiven,
Not many girls would have forgiven you,
She has accepted
you just knew the Lebanese from uni,
- Mohammad, - Yeah?
Inside,
You gonna be ok?
Ali, you're in luck!
My dad just bought a second-hand taxi,
The night shift's yours, In two years,
you could have the day shift,
- Thanks, ayoob, - It's a good turnout,
I might say hello to your old man, What do I say?
- Your holiness or some shit? - Just say hi,
Oh, hello,
Ali,
I do,
Shall we begin?
Smile,
Dance, Go on, dance,
Woo!
Move your seat forward, will you?
Couldn't you just get a Holden?
You kidding, bro? Porsche!
What's this?
Abu ghaith's wife, married that half leb, Linda,
- She knows johnno from work, - Who is the letter from?
I was meant to give it to you after you got married, Dunno,
Moe green,
Ooh,
"Ali, you're married now,
Congratulations,
Yomna will make you a good wife,
as I'm sure you'll make a good husband,
I leave for Lebanon tonight,
For many days I blamed you,
but maybe medicine was not god's wish for me,
We are both trapped by family,
There is no escape route, just duty,
Dad thinks it will be best for me to go away
and spend time with his sisters,
At least I'll learn how to cook a good kibbeh,"
It's ok, dad,
It's ok,
Ah,,,
- It's ok, - I've failed you,
Please forgive me, habibti,
"I know I divorced you,
but our six weeks were almost up anyway,
What I didn't tell you
was that they were the happiest six weeks of my life,
You're mad, but you dared to dream,
and I will miss that,
Dianne,"
Moe, can you pull over, bro? I just need some fresh air,
- This is a convertible, bro, - Just pull over,
- We're almost there, man, - No,
Let him,
You look very beautiful,
Ali,
What's he doing?
Ali, you dickhead!
No!
Drive me back,
Come on, god!
If you want me to get to dianne, show me a real sign!
Your last few have been shit!
Ah, thank you, god almighty!
I'm trying to get to the airport!
And that, your worship, is roughly the whole story,
Actually, there's other stuff i should add,
No, no, no, mr albasri,
I've had an hour of you talking,,,
- Your honour,,, - ,,And it's been riveting,,,
- ,,The handbrake fell off, - Yes,
But you had no business being on the tractor,
As for defrauding a university,
- it's not good character,,, - I've already pleaded guilty,
I can do community service,
You can slap me with a fine, anything you like,
but, please,
today's the day that dianne flies out,
Now, your honour, I'm not talking to you
as a judge anymore I'm talking to you as a human being,
Human to human,
You're a woman, you understand love,
Please, I could still make it,
Mr albasri, I'm more a woman who understands the law,
If I could just borrow a car,,,
I am not convinced that you understand
the recklessness of your actions,
I find the charges proved,
Given the inordinate amount of time you've used today,
I'll adjourn until Monday for sentencing,
I've got to get you back to the holding cell, mate,
The birds in this country are not very musical,
How's yomna?
Sad, Embarrassed,
But possibly she's,,,Relieved,
I think i should get a divorce,
When you are only married an hour and a half,
I think it is called an annulment,
But to protect yomna's dignity,
abu faisal came up with a useful excuse,
Yeah, Good,
Everyone now thinks you are impotent,
Great,
There is always a price,
And how did you part with dianne?
She's gone,
She said, "i absolutely hate you,"
and divorced me a thousand times,
A good woman you have to earn,
You'll never have the son you deserve, dad,
I have been a very bad father,
If I have not communicated to you,,,
How much you are loved,,,
,,Then I am the failure, i am the bad Muslim,
Because you are loved,,,
,,Without condition,
You and your,,, Insane brother
and your brilliant sister,
You are loved,
I thought,,, I thought maybe i could go back to Iran
and study medicine there,
You are not listening to me,
What do you want to do?
I just want to make you proud, dad,
Then be proud of yourself,
There is a million ways to serve god,
This has all been part of his plan,
The exam, uni,,,
,,The wedding, prisons, all god's plan?
I think,,, I think I've got
to stop blaming god for my mistakes, dad,
It's time we gave the almighty a break,
What's going to happen to you at the mosque?
During the abbasid dynasty,,,
,,A man and his son rode on a donkey,
Once they reached the town of qandahar,
the people abused them,
They said, "poor donkey, you make him carry two fit men?"
So the father rode and the son walked,
But when they arrived at the next town, people cried,
"look at this fellow, He drags his young, defenceless boy
through the desert heat
and he enjoys the ride of a lifetime!"
So, in the next town, the son rode
and the father walked,
but people shouted at the boy,
"you are young, You are healthy,
You make your elderly father suffer,
He is marching in the heat!"
So, together, the father and his son decided to walk
with their donkey,
As they passed through the next town, people laughed,
"Look at these two idiots,
Why don't they ride their donkey?"
And in every town people criticised them,
In the end, the father said, "stuff this",
and he and the boy carried the donkey on their backs,
But we tie ourselves up in terrible knots,
trying to live up to the judgment of others,
So, I will not carry the donkey on my back any more,
I have made my peace with haj karim and his fine family,
Hajjina, you are a credit to this mosque,
as is your daughter,
And now I will step down,
I will hand my duties over to seyyed ghaffar,
No!
- We don't want him, - No,
- Not him, He's boring! - He's a shit cleric,
Who will write our musicals?
He has no stories!
Please,
- Respect the place, - Sheikh mahdi!
Sheikh mahdi! Sheikh mahdi! Sheikh mahdi!
You ignorant fools!
He wears the white turban,
He is nothing! I wear the black turban!
Have you all forgotten what it means?
I am the direct descendent of the prophet!
I am an imam too!
I studied in the seminary for 11 wretched years!
You all are beneath me!
I'm starting my own mosque!
Who will follow me?
Who?
Sheikh mahdi! Sheikh mahdi!! Sheikh mahdi! Sheikh mahdi!
She's there,
Yomna,,, Yomna, I am truly sorry,
You deserve to be loved,
And you will be,
Recording,
Hi, dianne, How are you?
Before you unplug me, please,
I've got a couple of things to say to you and that's it,
First,,,I'm truly sorry,
Second, I hope you're really, really well,
Third, and this is really my first and only point,,,
,,I love you,
I love you so much,
My marriage lasted one hour and 40 minutes,
Turns out not even muslims can marry someone
when they've got their heart set on someone else,
Look at this, huh?
50 dollars' worth,
Dianne, last year I went to uni every day
for a whole year,
This year, I'm gonna go to the airport every single day
and meet every single flight out of Lebanon,
just on the off chance that you're gonna be on one,
You've got community service,
Shit,
I can't do Tuesdays, I've got community service
for a couple of months,
but every other day I'm gonna be there,
And you know I'm mad enough to do it,
Because what's my life worth
if I can't wake up next to you every morning
and,,,See you with your hair out?
Beep, beep, mafia coming through,
She's not gonna show, bro, Lebs never show,
Salaam,
Oh, Ramona,
Wait, wait, wait!
If by some miracle she comes,,,
,,A small gift from the family,
- What is it? - It's a cookbook,
- Iraqi, not Lebanese, - Thanks, mum,
Sorry, mate, Sorry,
Hello?
Dianne mohsen,
Mohsen, the guy who has a fish and chip store in Melbourne,
I called you yesterday, My name's Ali, Ali albasri,
Yeah, the impotent one,
So tonight's the night, huh?
- Ooh, I can feel it, - Good luck, my friend,
What do you mean, privacy policy?
I just want to know if she's on the plane, that's all,
Mate, it's a matter of life and death,
No, no, that wasn't a threat,
Tonight's the night!
Hey, man, it's free! It's free!
Welcome to Melbourne international airport,
For security reasons,
please keep your luggage with you at all times,
Any unattended luggage in the terminal,,,
Charlie!
Dianne,
Captions by CSI Australia