The one and only
Lavell
Crawford!
Thank you, thank you, Thank you, thank you!
Well, golly! Give it up for y'all!
-All right,
Oh, up here in San Antonio,
I gotta give y'all dap, I'm up here in the Alamo,
I know this is where,,, white people lost bad up here,
There should be more black folk, Black folks ran all around,
I don't know, Mexicans, whatever,
They say it's Mexicans,
but white folks ran the hell out of the Alamo,
I love white folks 'cause everywhere they go,
"All right, we done, We good, Thank you,"
I like San Antonio, This a bad-ass city, man,
I should have did all my damn specials here,
They already have a championship basketball team all the time,
Yeah, Yeah, y'all was winning a lot,
A lot! A lot till everybody got old,
Yeah, everybody got old, you know, Tim Duncan,
his back got bad, he was like, "I'm gonna wrap it up, Yeah,"
'Cause y'all was kicking ass, Y'all had a dynasty down here,
-I was like, damn!
Yeah, man, 'Cause I live in Texas myself,
I live in Houston now, I moved to Houston, man, I,,,
-Yeah,
Yeah, I know a little bit about it down here,
I know one thing, y'all u-turns are some bullshit,
I tell you that,
I swear to God, I ain't never-- GPS can't even work down here,
We got GPS on like, "Hold on, hold on, hold on,
Go back around, dog, I think we missed it,
Hold on, Let me-- Pull over, pull over,"
Pull over? I ain't ever heard a GPS say "pull over,"
What kind of bull,,,
And if you miss your turn, you gotta go all the way
to Abilene,
Make a left at El Paso and come back around,
And nobody know how to get nowhere
around this son of a bitch,
"How you get down the street?" "Uh, this street?
Down which street?" I'm like, "Oh, shit,
You don't know your way around?
Well, just go around the U-turn, and come back around,"
You see, I like this part of Texas 'cause in Houston,
they don't have the QuikTrip,
Y'all have QuikTrip off the chain,
You have-- y'all know about the QuikTrip?
Some of y'all don't know nothing about it, it's a gas station,
But it got a hot dog bar, Yeah,
You can put everything in there on that hot dog bar,
It's like, they have peppers and onions,
And you look at that hot dog, you go,
"How long before they're ready?"
And there's always a hot dog chef,
"Six more turns,"
"All right, I'm counting it too, One!
Two!
I forgot to get some gas, Oh, shit, give me five on ten,
Shit, I forgot about that damn gas,"
You got six hot dogs, Kids be like,
"Can we get one?" "You should have been in there,
You didn't help me count the turns,
you don't get no hot dogs,"
Man, but it's good to be here, man,
I mean, for real, I'm turning 50,
-I'm 50 years old,
Yeah! Everything,,, you know, when you turn 50,
everything change, you don't be giving a shit
about a lot of things no more,
I don't care about a lot of stuff no more,
I don't be getting,,, Like, brothers try to draw me in
to the racism, pull me in to all this racism,
I can't get into it, I been around a long time,
I gotta,,, you know, when black people try to hang onto racism
like we ain't racist, Black folks is racist too,
You know you racist, You know your ass racist,
Black people-- black people,
Our racism just don't have no power, though,
Our racism can't stop shit, Right?
White people can stop you from moving in the neighborhood,
Black folks, this is our power right here:
"Better not bring your white ass up here,,,
Bring your ass here, white boy, and see what happens,"
This white dude like, "I'm coming in anyway,"
Brother be like, "Welcome to Popeye's,
May I take your order?"
Black,,, black folks try to get you all in and stuff,
I mean, for a while, we was going through it,
I mean, we fought about Donald Trump,
Donald Trump fucked up, we know he horrible,
We know it, Everybody, "You see what Donald did?"
Yeah, all right, we know,
You ain't getting no gold medal for saying the shit,
I said it on TV, Fuck Donald Trump,
Then your lights turn off, "All right, I'm sorry,"
Calm your black ass down, You know,,,
You get too black, See, that's what I'm talking about,
right there, he all mad, "Fuck Donald Trump!"
I mean, I don't think he-- he makes me laugh,
What's why I like him, 'Cause he,,,
Whenever you make people pissed off,
I think it's funny as shit,
'Cause he always doing some funny-ass shit,
He shut the government down, Black folks,,,
And black people blamed the shutdown on everything,
"Yeah, man, that's why I ain't looking for no job right now,
Damn government shut down,
I would have made it to church, but you know,,,"
I heard my cousin on the phone, "The child support check late
'cause the government shut down,
Call your government and ask them,
Call Trump, He the one that shut the shit down,
That's why I ain't got no check for you,
Them kids gonna have to understand the government,,,"
It don't even,,,
Some of the shit don't even affect us,
We be talking about shit that don't even,,,
It don't even affect,,,
Black folks, it don't matter, "We don't have a check,,,
As long as they don't shut the dollar store down, I'm good,"
You can survive,
Everything a dollar, Everything 99 cents,
They got groceries in the dollar store,
They got groceries in there!
You can buy groceries in the dollar store, you can eat!
You gotta eat it in line, though, You gotta,,,
You can't take it home, put it in the refrigerator,
You get some lunch meat out, "I'm gonna eat it right here,"
Keep the wrapper, 'cause that shit gonna deteriorate,
I bought some eggs, they hatched in line,
You can't,,, black folks will make up a lie,
My grandmamma, you tell old folks some shit
like the government shut down, "Lord have mercy, They,,,
The government shut down, ain't no plane in the sky,"
"They,,, they still flying," "Where they flying that?
They flying illegal then
'cause they ain't supposed to be up in the air,"
The government shutdown,
I mean, there's people that didn't make no sense
talking about the government shutdown,
My weed man talking about, "Uh,,,
All I got is dime bags today, dog,
This damn government shutdown tripping,"
Man, get your dumb ass out of here,
Only black people suffer,
Them little baby mamas out there,,,
"I can't use my EBT card! This is,,,
When they open it back up? This is ridiculous!
Can they open up-- give me my damn check, bitch!
I want my check!"
And Donald Trump, he gonna build a wall,
Just don't let my Uncle Jessie go down there,
He ain't gonna use good material,
he ain't gonna use no brick, He gonna,,,
"All right, I put brick over here,
but we ran out of money, We gonna put up wallpaper,
It look like brick,
Long as they don't run over here, they good,
They run over here, they in the United States,
All I'm gonna say,
Give me my money, player, It's up, Shit,"
We,,,
worried about shit, ain't none,,,
"See what Donald Trump did today?"
I don't give a shit what Donald Trump did today,
We the safest country on the planet right now,
'Cause we got the most ignorant president ever!
That's one thing you gotta look at,
It ain't been no thought of terrorism,
it ain't been no,,,
We ain't heard nothing from the Taliban or Korea,
They're like, "Shit, I ain't going over there,
You see who they got in their office?
They got a crazy son of a bitch in the office!
Let them be, man, we good, man,
We gonna just blow up people in our country, We good,"
Ain't nobody doing shit right now,
He done made it safer,
He done it made it safe and gas is $1,94,
I ain't talking good about him,
Only people booing ain't got no cars, Yeah,
Shit,
Shit, I loved Obama, but when he was in office,
gas was $4,96 where I was,
I was like, "Get your black ass out of that damn office! Shit,
I can't go nowhere with your black ass in that office!
You fucking up, Obama! You fucking up!"
I loved Obama, I loved him the first time,
I-- I loved Obama the first term,
That second term, I was kinda ready
for him to get out of there,
'Cause we was getting fucked up on the regular
with him in office,
We was getting fucked up so bad, shit, I was scared,
You had to play dead just to be around the police,
You know,,,
You,,, you know shit's bad when you gotta wear
a "family reunion" shirt to say your life matters,
I had to wear a shirt to say my life matters?
That's some bullshit!
I mean, them shirt's 25 dollars apiece!
Shit, what if my shirt is in the dryer right now?
Skinheads be like, "Boy, what is wrong with you?
Are you suicidal?" I'm like, "What you mean?"
"Where your fucking shirt at?"
"It's in,,,
It's in spin cycle right now,"
"You better get that damn shirt out or your ass is dead,
You hear me?"
I go get my son's shirt on,
It's so little and tight, it don't even say "black lives,"
It just say "matters" on that son of a bitch,
I'm 50 now, I can't get raised no more, I can't,
I be watch-- they be talking, "You like Kanye West,
sellout motherfucker, Kanye West,"
I did like his music, but we knew Kanye was crazy,
We knew, Y'all knew his ass is out of his damn mind,
You know, he hanging out with them Kardashian girls,
They girls crazy as hell, You know they evil,
They ain't got no talent,
they been on TV for 13 fucking seasons,
And they talked their daddy into cutting his dick off,
You know!
Talking about Kan-- black folks got mad at Kanye,
Kanye,,, Kanye was crazy,
Kanye went on there with a "Make America Great Again" hat,
And then he gonna go say slavery was a choice,
Black folks got mad like we was still slaves,
"What that motherfucker say?
Hold my cotton! Hold my cotton right now!
Master, I need a half a day off!
I need to holler at you, Kanye," Let me tell you something,
It didn't even faze me 'cause I ain't never been a slave,
I don't know nothing about slavery,
I seen a documentary like everybody in here,
I don't know shit about it but what they tell me,
And I can't get mad about it 'cause I wasn't one,
I don't know,
See, y'all can sit up here and live in your little world,
"That's some bullshit,,," No, hold on, bro,
You-- none of us could have been slaves,
None of us could have been slaves!
You,,, let me tell you something,
If I was back in slavery days,
I would have died at the orientation,
I'd be like, "Hold, master, hold,
Hold, What you say now? You say,,,
Hold up, I'm,,,
We gotta pick 1,500 pounds of cotton?
Apiece?
It ain't even a group?
Oh, my-- hold on, hold on,
Oh, Lord, we gotta sing too?
Oh, Lord, who has achieved this before?
This is a hell of a feat,
How you get 1,500 pounds of cotton in a day?
It's so light,
You ain't got no other openings, like,,,
buggy driver?
Read your kids a story?
Runaway slave snitcher?"
I'ma lose that job the first day I'm out there,
The first day I'm out there, "All right!
Half a day cotton check, boy! Half a day cotton check!
Let's see how much progress you made!"
I'd be like,,,
"How you doing, sir?
I did the best I could today,
I worked through break, it was hot out here,
And I sang the whole time,
I was able to bless you with eight pounds of cotton,"
"Boy, you mean to tell me you been out here
for eight whole hours,
all you got me is eight pounds of cotton, boy?
That's all you got?" "Well, sir, this is my first day on the job,
I did the best I could, I mean, I promise,
I'll make more progress tomorrow,
I might get you ten or eleven tomorrow,
And I had to pee in that bag to get you that eight pounds,"
"Boy, you a disgrace,
Let me see what my go-to slave,,,
What you got for me, Timbo? What you got?"
Just my luck, I'm by the overachiever slave,
"What you got for me, Timbo?" "Well, sir, I got the gout,
and I think I need my appendix taken out,
I got sour stomach, and I had dizzy spell,
But I was able to bless you with 1,500 pounds of cotton,"
"How the hell you get 1,500 pounds of cotton?
I was standing right next to your ass!
When'd this happen?"
"Timbo, you mean to tell me you blessed me with 1,500 pounds
of cotton and you sick as a dog?
And you still got 1,500 pounds and this boy over here,
well as he wanna be, ain't got but eight pounds of cotton?
Boy, what you got to say for yourself?"
"Well, I think Timbo stole some of my damn cotton,
And I think he pissed and shit in his bag too,
And if his ass is picking 1,500 pounds of cotton,
what the hell I'm doing out here for?
Shit, this position is filled,"
That ain't no job for me,
I don't know nothing about slavery, I can't,,,
I can't get all into it, I be watching Facebook,
and I found out I ain't black enough,
'Cause they be showing some brothers getting messed up
by the police, I mean the police grabbing 'em,
throwing them out the car, "We need to share this, brother,
Let them know how they doing us out here,"
And I'm like, "Damn, that's terrible,"
But every time you turn around,
it's another brother getting choked,
Another brother getting choked, All right, damn,
I mean, that's a lot of chokings and,,,
And I wanna march, but I mean,
I don't wanna find out, did y'all edit this shit?
We don't know exactly what happened,
We get over-mad, We gotta find out,,,
'Cause see, you know, cops are mean, they can be mean,
But most of the time when you chill out,
they're usually like, "Here's your ticket,
Get your black ass out of here,"
It don't ever be over that, you know,
But they don't ever show the brother, you know,
snapping off, "Motherfucker, I know my rights,
You ain't gonna do me like this,
Officer, what the fuck you doing, you damn pig?
Always fucking with black people," See,
that shit gonna get you fucked up,
I'ma just share something with my young black brothers,
'cause older black brothers know,
angry black Negros, all we get is pepper sprayed,
tased and shot,
Anytime you snap off, you get pepper sprayed,
tased and shot,
"I'm a lawyer!" Pepper sprayed, tased and shot,
"I pay my taxes,"
Pepper sprayed, tased and shot,
"I'm President Obama," Pepper sprayed,,,
tased and shot!
The best thing is shut your ass up,
get your ticket and go on about your damn business,
Always trying to be the hood cat,
always trying to be the man,
trying to show off to the police,
Okay, all right, I was with my cousin one day,
He is so-called, quote-unquote, "real n,,,"
He's a "real n,,," You know,
And I was in the car when the police pulled up on him,
My cousin goes, "Don't worry about it, cuz,
I'm fitting to handle this punk-ass pig,"
"What you say?" "Watch this, cuz,
I'm fitting to handle this shit," I said, "Okay,"
I don't got time to prove nothing to nobody,
Police pull me over, I don't care,
you can judge me if you want to,
But police pull me over, I ain't no real n,,,
I'm an Uncle Tom like a motherfucker,
Police pull me over, I'm in that car just like this,
"Hi, sir,
I'm so thankful you pulled me over, sir,
Oh, it's a blessing you pulled me over
'cause I was out here like, Lord, oh Lord, what am I doing?
Lord, what I'm doing over here?
Jesus, I'm so thankful Officer Cunningham
was able to pull me over
and point me in the right direction,
It's so late too, It's 1:00 in the afternoon,
It's too late to be out here, like I told my wife,
what we doing out here this late?
You say I got a tail light out, God bless you, sir,
'Cause I-- you a expert,
I ain't even know my tail light was on,
God bless you, sir, Bless you, sir,
I got a headlight out? I don't even have them on,
How you know they out?
Thank you, sir, Bless you, Jesus, bless you,
Can I pray with you?
Heavenly Father, this,,, please give this wonderful officer,
Officer Cunningham, safe out here
protecting peoples like myself,
Keeping me and my wife here safe from harm and danger, Jesus,
Get him home to his family, Jesus,
Peace, word of Christ, praise, Amen!
You take care, sir, God bless you,"
Soon as he pulled off, though,,,
I Tupac, Nat Turner, Ice Cube, like,,,
"Pussy-ass, bitch-ass cop,
Punk motherfucker! Swear to God,
You know how I do,
If that bitch-ass nigga didn't know no better,
I'd have reached in my glove compartment,
got my Glock out, it'd be another story up in this bitch,
Click, click, bang, bitch! Click, click, bang!
Bitch-ass, pussy-ass, punk-ass pig!
Fuck all them pussy-ass police out there!
On my nut, bitch!"
"Oh, I ain't see you there, officer,
I ain't--
I ain't know you came back,
We was just about to get out of here, sir,
Oh, you give me a ticket for not having my seatbelt on?
God bless you, Can I pray with you again?"
But we keep it real, man,
Life-- life is too short to be worrying about bullshit,
That's what I'm saying, All right,
I don't trip no more,
I turned 50, I realized I was grown as hell,
I respect it 'cause when you turn 50,
you know, things change,
Everybody talking about, "30 is the new 20,
40 is the new 30," 50 is just damn 50,
That's all it is,
Ain't nothing new about that shit at all,
Nothing new, The only thing new, you learn how to do shit right,
Like walk upstairs, You grab that handle,
That's what it's for,
Shit, I knew I was grown when I was sitting on the toilet,
I was sitting on the toilet and I said,
"Damn, this water cold,"
I thought my dickhead was sitting in the water,
I looked down, my balls were floating on the water,
Like two chocolate balloons,
And I said, "Oh, no!"
'Cause I just took a doo-doo, and,,,
It was already sitting in doo-doo water,
but if one of them turds brush up against them,
I had to take another bath,
So I hoisted my nuts up and set them on my lap,
Then my wife come in, talking about,
"Whose baby you got on your lap?"
I looked at her like, "First of all,
what an absurd question to ask,
Why would I sit up here with my drawers down
with a baby sitting on my lap?
Second of all,
what baby you know look like nut skin?"
Everybody here know what nut skin look like,
It look like kneecap skin and your elbow skin,
If you see a baby with full nut skin all over his body,
you need to get him to a dermatologist immediately,
But the thing about it is, you know, I love people say,
"What's the name of your special called?" "New Look Same Funny,"
You know, I gotta tell you, let me give it up for my son,
My son did this picture right here,
My son, Deangelo McMahon, did this picture,
And this young lady from Instagram
did the one in the back, See, basically what it is
is a transition, I lost 180 pounds,
-See right there? Yeah,
See, right there, I got the tie on,
it's choking the shit out of me,
And then over there, I look like a sugar daddy,
Yeah,
I did the same,,, "New Look Same Funny,"
You know, that's where it came from,
I lost 180 pounds,
And I didn't do it for a round of applause,
I did it 'cause I was about to die, you know, Yeah,
My check engine light kept coming on and shit,
Shit, that mother,,, was coming on like a son of a bitch,
You know? And you walk up a couple of stairs like,
"Goddamn, Phew! Shit, How many flight was it?"
It was no flights,
"It was two steps, you dumb son of a bitch,"
"Shit, they need an escalator in this son of a bitch,"
I knew I was getting too damn big,
I was getting too big when you snore while you awake,
You ever be around a motherfucker like that?
He be looking right at you and snoring right at you,
"Ah!"
"Where y'all about to go?"
"Wasn't you--
Wasn't you asleep?"
"Uh-uh, part of your ass was asleep,
Your ass was open, but the rest of your ass was asleep,"
Oh,,,
You know you're getting too,,, I was getting big,
I know I was too big when I couldn't even sleep
on my back 'cause I'd hang myself,
You know what I'm talking about? My head was that fucking heavy,
I lay there,,,
"Boy, you better put a pillow under your head before you die!"
But,,, but they always trying to get,,,
try to give up fat, 'cause I was in fat denial,
I got up to like 550 pounds,
-Yeah, yeah, People go, "Whoo!"
'Cause people always say shit, "You better lose some weight,
You gonna die fat," I was like,
"What kind of stupid answer,,, die fat,"
If I was fat before I died, I'm gonna be fat when I'm dead,
I ain't worried about that, that's my pallbearers' worry,
They're gonna have to carry my ass,
♪ Nothing but the right ♪
"You dragging him!
Let him go, put him down,"
"What the fuck you mean, we dragging him?
We gotta drag him! You feel how heavy this son of a bitch is?
Shit, why he had to die on my day off? Shit,
Whoo-whee! Look at that program, make sure my name on that shit,
Don't look at me like that, pastor,
You ain't even helped carry, You walking with your bible,
ain't doing shit for us,
Call on the Lord, 'cause we need some more help down here,
Where we gotta take this body anyway?
Up them steps? Bullshit, Uh-uh,
Uh-uh, Everybody come on down, Come on down,
I ain't got no more sick days, Uh-uh, Come on,
He didn't walk up the steps when he was alive,"
'Cause I didn't have no problem being big,
I used to be in fat denial, though, for real,
I didn't even think I was that damn big,
I used to watch that show, My 600-lb Life,
For real, while eating my dinner,
Judging like a son of a bitch,
Like, "That's some fat motherfuckers on there,
If I look like that,
I get my shit together,"
I finished eating while like, "Oh, my God!
I'm gonna be on the next season!"
But that show is bullshit,
They try to portray fat people as unhappy,
Fat people are not unhappy, There is no truth in that,
They are not unhappy, We are happy people,
For real, food is our drug, We're not unhappy,
We are happy, we eat some Cinnabon
and some Blue Bell ice cream,
We be high!
You skinny people the ones unhappy,
You're popping molly, doing Percocet,
sipping on syrup, smoking laced-ass marijuana,
make your head,,,
Wake up, you done gave a dog a blowjob,
Cinnabon ain't never made me blow a dog,
Unless he was made of Cinnabon,
Then I weigh it up, Is it fresh?
Fat people are never unhappy,
We ain't unhappy, Skinny people are unhappy,
You see 'em at the fast food restaurant,
They there on they cheat day,
"I really want some-- I really want to eat something bad today,
It's my cheat day, I really want something,
I,,, I really want a double cheeseburger,
but if I get the double cheeseburger, I ain't gonna
be able to get the fries, But if I get the fries,
I won't be able to get the chocolate shake,
And I love that chocolate shake,
Oh, I'm so confused, I don't know what I want,
Sir, you can go ahead of me,"
"Good, bitch, move out of the way, Yeah,
Yeah, give me a double cheeseburger,
everything on that bitch, and,,,
and a triple cheeseburger the same way,
Give me a large fry,
Put cheese on that son of a bitch,
And a large chocolate shake,
Shit, put cheese on that bitch,
Give me something to drink too, I'll take a Diet Coke,"
I lost weight 'cause people always thinking they can say
anything to fat people anyway, like, you know, like,
people ask me, "Before you lost weight,
what was your favorite restaurant?"
I said, "I used to love the Golden Corral, boy,
Oh, What?!"
I used to love the Golden Corral,
I like going early before all them damn people
with them bad-ass kids come up in there,
You know, them kids come up there and mess up a buffet,
Little boy, I was in there one time, right after church,
little son of a bitch standing right at the mac and cheese,
He ain't by the sneeze guard, So he right there,
sneezed right in the mac and cheese,
Ah-choo! I fucked his ass up with that spoon,
Pakow!
He had mac and cheese running all down his face,
I said, "That'll teach you to cover your damn mouth,"
And I put some mac and cheese on my plate,
It was hot, It probably burnt all the bacteria off,
I liked the Golden Corral,
But people think they can say anything,
I'm going in the Golden Corral one day,
this dude ran right past me, "Whoo!
Let me get in front of you!
I know you about to wreck this place!
It's about to be apocalyptic up in this son of a bitch!
I was driving in the parking lot, I seen your big ass
sliding towards the door, I said, 'Please help me, Father,
Just let me find a parking space,
Anywhere, Lord, so I can just get one plate, Jesus!
If it's your will,' So I just parked illegally,
and ran in front of you,
Thank God you had on flip-flops, I would have never made it!"
I love the Golden Corral, but my mama always wanna tag along,
My mom here, My mom here,
She is, she came down to San Antone to support me,
I love-- I love my mama,
I love my mama, That's my girl,
She's been there all the time,
But,,, but she always wanna go to Golden Corral with me,
My mama is a racist,
A racist against fat people,
For real, she is, She lost a lot of weight,
She's beautiful, but she still thick, you know,
But she hard on fat folks, We can't enjoy our meal,
she's talking about every fat person come to the door,
"Look, look, look, look, look,
Look, but don't look,"
And then she goes, "Her big ass knows she don't need
to be up here, shit,
Big ass sliding across the floor with them ballerina shoes on,
Lord, what ballet is her big ass at?
Sliding past the salad to the fudge,
To the chicken, to the fudge,
She putting fudge on her damn chicken,
This child here, Lord have mercy,
And she has on one of them pink Victoria's Secret,
pink jogging suit, It supposed to say "pink" on the back
of the pants, but the 'i' and the 'n' in the crack of her ass,
All it say is, 'pk!'"
But,,,
But, you know, in the midst of it, you know,
like I was talking about the "New Look Same Funny,"
You know, one of the things about it was
the new look, you know, I had, you know, people saying,
"What's your secret, Lavell? What'd you do?"
You know, I gave up sugar for three months,
You know, that's a hell of a give-up,
'Cause sugar's like crack, man, You give that shit up,
boy, you like, "Damn, boy, I,,, for a Twinkie,
I don't give a fuck," You know,
I didn't really say that, but I'm just saying,,,
You know, but you get-- you get in the thing,
but I lost like 70 pounds, you know, doing that,
Sugar is a hell of a thing, Plus, you know, I had diabetes,
I was on drugs, medicine, and all that shit,
'Cause I wasn't taking my diabetes medicine right,
I was taking it with sweet tea, You know,
But, uh, but the thing about it was, you know,
I, you know, I did a lot of things, but, you know,
I had weight loss surgery,
And people say, "Oh, that's a cop-out,"
I say, "Bullshit," I had a gastric sleeve, dog,
You ain't ever been in no surgery, you know,
I had to get half my damn stomach cut out
just to lose some damn weight, That's some shit,
You know, and you gotta be mentally ready for that shit,
'Cause you can fuck yourself up, you know,
"Man, I got half a stomach, I can still a half a turkey,"
No,
Slow your ass down,
It ain't like that, I mean, I used to give--
My stomach damn near the size of a Twinkie,
I used to eat a whole box of Twinkies,
Now I can eat one piece of the Twinkie
and put the rest in my pocket,
But, you know, I was in that surgery, man,
I don't like surgery, man, I went to the doctor
so I won't have to go to that son of a bitch no more,
And I went in for that surgery, man, and that shit is,
that's a mission for your ass, you go in there,
'Cause they don't-- you know, when you go in surgery,
you're almost like, man, you be scared like you gonna
wake up and you have a white man inside you
controlling your ass like on Get Out,
You running and shit,
"What the hell am I eating hummus for?"
But,,, but, I mean, they be so-- you know,
in the hospital, they so, you know,
they give you this little bullshit nurses that talk to you
and I mean they great, you know, they talk to you,
And they just hype you up, like this lady,
she goes, "Hi, I'm Stephanie, I'm your anesthesiologist,
And we're gonna take you down and we're gonna give you
a little bit of sedative at a time,
because when we did some x-rays on your heart,
we found that you wasn't getting proper blood flow,
But we're gonna still sedate you," I was like, "Uh-uh, bitch,
No, you not, No--
Bitch, if I'm almost gonna die, you gonna kill my ass!
Let's hold up, Where the doctors at?
This is some bullshit! Bitch, you better not put me on it!"
And I thought I was still cussing her ass out,
I don't know what they give your ass in there,
but I woke up, she was gone,
I was like, "And furthermore, bitch, what--
Oh, my God! Where'd she go?"
"She's been gone for four hours,"
"Four hours? What did y'all do to me?
Do I still got my dick? I know it's little,
but it's all I got!
Oh, please don't take my dick!"
And I was in pain like a motherfucker,
I was in pain, my stomach was hurting and shit,
And I was like, "Man, y'all trying to kill me, man,"
I was going through, he said, "Sir, we're gonna give you
some pain medicine, What we gonna give you?"
They gave me some of this shit called Lortab,
- Yeah! -You know what that shit is?
Oh,,,
I ain't never did crack, but I realize
I took that Lortab, and let me tell you something,
I had just came out of surgery about an hour ago,
I was out of surgery and I took that Lortab,
I was ready to fuck up everybody,
"I don't give a fuck, bitch, I'm Freddy, bitch,
I didn't have surgery, there are my stitches,
I fuck your ass up, bitch, Hit me with something,
motherfucker, I ready, I'm a gangster,"
And,,, but they wear off in 20 minutes,
"Why'd that motherfucker punch me?"
But I take that Lortab and was getting hooked on it,
I was getting hooked on that shit so bad,
I started having nightmares
that I was selling ass,,,
to get Lortab, I was selling man pussy,
I had a horrible nightmare
that I had a G-string on with some fishnet stockings,
"Hey, big boy, Wanna hook you up for some Lortab?"
I was like, "Ahh!"
I woke up checking my ass and shit,
I said, "I can't do that shit no more,
I had to get off that shit quick!
That shit was addictive, man, It was addictive,
But every time I come in pain, I'd just take a little sip,
But I was out there bad, man,
And I was out there bad and, you know,
they wouldn't give you no food, man,
You couldn't eat, That's how you lose all that damn weight,
You can't eat for damn near 24 hours
'cause they gotta make sure the surgery stuck
and they got the glue and the tape
and the fucking staples on your ass,
And I'm sitting there like, "Oh, shit,
I'm hungry, I'm thirsty,
I'm so thirsty! Oh, God, I'm so thirsty!"
And I had this nurse, and I called her my white angel nurse,
She was so sweet, and she was like,
I was like, "Hello, white angel nurse,
I'm so thirsty, white angel nurse,
I'm about to pull my IV out and just drink it, I,,,
I gotta drink something, Can I get a cool glass of ice water?
I'll do anything you want, sell my ass, I'll do anything!"
She's like, "Mr, Crawford, you can't drink anything
because you had surgery,
But I can put some ice water on some sponges
and you can swab it on your lip,"
I said, "Oh! Please!"
And when she gave me this swab, I'm gonna keep it real with you,
I was gay for five minutes,
I was sitting there like,,,
I deepthroated the shit,
I forgot I had a gag reflex,
And I thought I was by myself, Next thing you know,
I must have been doing it so well,
the janitor outside, he had his pants down,
"Goddamn, boy, that boy made me bust a nut!"
"What the fuck you doing out here?"
"I'm doing good now, boy,
I be back to clean your room personally,"
Like, "Oh, no! Somebody shut my door!"
I knew I had to get the fuck out of there then, man,
I knew I had to get the fuck out of there then,
when that damn-- damn old man was in there,
I had to get my shit together, And also, you know,
'cause the hospital ain't a place to be, man,
I hate being in hospitals, man, It's so lonely,
And I'm in there trying to get some sleep,
They don't never let you rest,
I'm in there trying to sleep, it's 2:00 in the damn morning,
Hear this lady come out of the shadow,
I'm hallucinating, I was like,
"Oh, my God!
Are you the death angel?"
She said, "No, I'm Dr, Teriyaki, How are you?"
I said, "Your name ain't no damn Dr, Teriyaki,
Am I-- am I hallucinating? I am not in a Panda Express,
What kind of shit is this?"
She said, "Mr, Crawford, my name is Dr, Teriyaki,
I'm here to check on you, I'm here all night,
I'm here to check on you, I'll write my name on the board,"
I was like, "Okay, Dr, Teriyaki, If you can give me one of them
sponge ice,,, them ice-- them ice water sponges,
I would really appreciate it,
And make sure that janitor don't know about it,"
And I mean I couldn't get no damn sleep,
And I,,, and next thing you know, I woke up again,
this lady's grabbing my arm and taking my blood,
"What the fuck are you?" She said, "Hi, Mr, Crawford,
I'm your phlebotomist, Miss Orange Chicken,"
I said, "Bitch, you,,,
Do you know Miss Teriyaki, 'cause,,,
ain't no way your name is Orange Chicken,"
"I'm here to take your blood," "Why the fuck you wait
till 3:00 in morning to take my blood?
Do you work here, bitch? Are you a vampire?
Security!
White angel nurse, I need you!"
But the white angel nurse had left,
She was not there anymore,
And who was there to replace her,
but the night Negro nurse,
And when I tell you she was the meanest,,,
son of a bitch I ever been around in my life,
She come in, "Yeah, wake your black ass up,
You gonna get up,
Yeah, I know your ass just came out of surgery,
You ain't getting no more ice water or none of that shit,
You gonna get up and do some walking
so you can walk your big ass out of here,"
I said,,, I'm like,
"You can't talk to me like that,
I just came out of surgery," "You ain't had nothing
but a little bullshit surgery,
Your ass gonna get up and walk,"
I said, "I'm not walking anywhere,"
"You wanna just die? You wanna catch a blood clot,
go up to your brain and kill your ass?"
I said, "The way you talking to me, yes,
Yes, I'll take one,
Where's my white angel nurse at?"
"You ain't got nothing but real nigga nurses now,"
I was like, "Oh!
Oh, no!"
"You gonna get up and walk?" "No! I am not gonna walk!"
I said, "When I walk is when you show me that bill,
When you show me that bill,
I'll show your ass a fucking miracle,
'Cause I'm gonna walk out of here,"
I was sick, I said, "I'm in pain, night Negro nurse,
Can you please give me some Lortab?"
"Oh, so you wanna sell man pussy, huh?"
"How do you know about that?"
"I'm the Negro nurse, I know everything,"
"Can I at least get an ice cold swab?"
"Oh, you wanna be gay for five minutes?" "No!"
"Let me go get Janitor John, then," "Damn!
I'm sick of your shit, I'm gonna show you I can walk
so I can get the hell out of here,"
And I thought I was gonna get up and just walk around,
you know, the front desk and shit,
This heifer had me out in the middle of traffic
with an IV, dodging traffic, I,,,
I ain't have no socks on, Like, "This bitch is crazy!"
"Run, motherfucker! Run that surgery out of you!
You want a blood clot, motherfucker?"
I was so thankful the day came
and my white angel nurse came back,
I said, "Don't ever leave me again, white angel nurse,
That evil night Negro nurse,,,
made me run in the highway!"
"Oh, I like Brenda," "Brenda?!
She wasn't Brenda last night,
She said she was a real nigga nurse,
She didn't play, She didn't play,,,
I gotta get out of here, white angel nurse,
Can you let me out?" She said, "Only way you can leave
is if you pass a stool or you fart,"
And that means you gotta take a shit or you gotta fart,
You know? I said, "Shit, I fart all the time,
Shit, I could have been out of here if I knew that,
Hell, I thought I was gonna shit on myself
out there running in traffic,"
She said, "You gotta fart," And when she said that,
I thought I could fart, But after surgery, you cannot fart,
I don't know what they do,
They take your fart volume off or what,
I don't know what happened, You can't fart,
I'm trying to fart,,,
I couldn't shit, fart, or nothing, I was like,,,
I said, "Damn, they must have took my farting power
when they took half my stomach,"
I guess my wife was happy I won't fart in my sleep anymore,
I was like,,,
I couldn't fart for nothing,
Finally, I squeezed all my muscles
and I finally got a little bit out,
And I even opened my butt cheeks,
trying to let the air out, Why I do that?
Here come Janitor John, "About time you come around,"
"What the fuck are you doing here?
Get out of here! Do you not take any days off?!"
I locked my door and put a chair up on that damn thing,
"I'll be out here waiting," "Shut up!"
And I finally got a little peep fart out like, peep!
It was like a little boop! I said, "Oh, night,,, morning,,,
white angel nurse, I farted! I farted!"
She's like-- she came in, she was so sweet,
She clapped, "Yay!
We need about-- we need a bunch more,"
I said, "How many the fuck you need?"
I started farting so much, I was out there,
my ass was beat-boxing, I put my ass on the intercom,
She was like, "What is that?" "Kurtis Blow, bitch,
Let me out of here!"
I was so glad to get out of that hospital,
I ain't know what to do,
I'm,,, I feel better though, lighter,
- You look great, Lavell! -Thank you, sweetie,
The only reason I talk about it is to inspire people,
If you ever feel that way, man, it ain't never too late,
My mama had-- went and did it,
My baby sister inspired me to do it,
And then my mom, I inspired my mom,
It's crazy, you know, we all living longer lives,
feeling better, my mama got a new attitude,
She throwing her hair,
My wife-- my wife is beautiful,
and she was blessed to get two different men,
First she had Heavy D,
And now she got Denzel,
I see a few haters there,
"Denzel? Ah,,,
Ah,,, maybe Ving Rhames,"
But, you know, I love my wife
'cause she been with me through the thick and thin, man,
And I really mean the thick and thin, you know,
She been there through the good and bad,
-and she hung in there,
Yeah, I got a good one, man, We, like I said,
we fight each other, but we fight more to stay together,
And that's a beautiful thing,
You know, but my wife sometimes she give me something special,
she do something special for me, Like, you know,
one time I came home back when I was a lot bigger,
She surprised me, right? You know,,,
Surprised me, she had a little negligee on
looking sexy as hell, you know,
Stand at the door, said, "Come with me,"
And I followed her into the bathroom,
She had rose petals all over the floor and shit,
She had candles all around the tub,
And she had a little Luther Vandross playing,
It was real romantic in there, yes,
It was like, and we was about to do it,
it was steamy, she said, "We about to take a bath together,"
I was like, "Oh, shit, All right,"
I ain't really a bath kind of brother, you know,
Yeah, I do showers, I don't fuck with that tub,
You know, but for that booty, I'll do it,
You know what I'm saying?
All right, let me figure this out,
She had Skin So Soft all in the tub,
Some people don't know what Skin So Soft is,
That's black people bug repellant,
-You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, make your skin supple, you understand?
If you ain't got none, get you some, you know,
So she had put that all in the tub,
and she said, "Okay, baby," We took our clothes off,
And she got in the tub, she said,
"I'ma get in the tub-- I'ma get in the tub,
you get in with me," I said, "You get in first, boo,"
So she got in like a little pebble, Boink!
She said, "Okay, you get in now,"
I said, "All right," I took my time,
I put one foot in like The Hokey Pokey, and I took it out,
I put the foot back in,
and I gingerly put that other leg in, As I lifted my leg up,
butt-ass naked, I gingerly put it in,
But when put the foot down, I must have stepped on
some of that Skin So Soft,
'Cause my foot just slipped from under me,
I went up in the air and hit that water like boom!
I hit that water, tsunami! That's all I'm gonna tell you!
Washed all the romance and ambience out of the tub,
My wife left on a tidal wave,
I don't know where she was, All I heard,,,
heard was, "I'm naked in the street!"
Wasn't no water left in the tub,
But I-- it was plenty of Skin So Soft,
I couldn't get out of the damn tub!
I'm spinning around in this son of a bitch!
"Oh, my God! And my wife's naked in the street!"
I couldn't get out from it,
Finally, I had to push my belly up,
On the tub, and ooze out,
Like melted caramel, I just,,,
And I still couldn't stand up
'cause I was slippery and supple,
So I had to inch across the floor,
Like a fat caterpillar, just,,,
Finally made it to the carpet,
I was able to get some grip on the carpet,
And I lay down, but all the carpet had laid up on my chest,
Looked like I had a bra on and it was in my crotch too,
Looked like I had a two-piece furry bikini on,
Told my wife, "You can't do that shit no more,"
No more baths,
Just showers,
But the most positive thing about it, uh,
losing weight, though, is I could see my dick again,
-That's,,, that's,,,
Oh, yeah, Fat dudes know what I'm talking about,
'Cause I used to go pee, long as I heard water,,,
it was all right,
Come out of there, my shoes be soggy as a son of a bitch,
But,,, but it's also good, I can aim it now and make love,
I can aim it in, Used to be I'd be making love to my wife,
like playing Battleship,
"Am I in?" "No!"
"How about now?" "No!"
"How about now?" "Hell, no!"
"Well, you know I can't see down there,"
"Hold your stomach up," "Okay,"
You know, big girls, you can lose a few pounds,
see your cootchie again, You know?
See your old friend, you know?
And it's good for your man, he down there
munching on it for you, It's hot as hell down there,
Like you got a hoodie sweater on,
"How it feel, boo-boo?" "It feel good,
Just keep on going,"
"All right, Can I get some ice water?
A fan or something?"
And I remember the first time I,,,
You know, 'cause, when you see your dick, you need therapy,
You see your dick, I had a buddy of mine,
he had lost a lot of weight, I inspired him,
He had lost a lot of weight, And, you know, he,,,
He hadn't seen his dick in a long time,
Woke up in the night, must have had a hard-on,
thought it was a snake,
Shot his dick off,
I went to the hospital to see him, I said,
"Damn, Earnest, what's wrong with you, man?"
"I hadn't seen my dick in a long time,
Thought it was a snake, You know I don't play with snakes,
I shot that motherfucker,"
I said, "Why you shoot it twice?"
"Well, the first time, it stung when I shot it,
I thought that son of a bitch had bit me,
So I shot it again,"
I had kind of a similar experience,
You know, when I first saw my dick again,
I was laying in the bed, had a dirty dream,
Woke up a dirty dream, woke up a dirty dream,
and man, I woke up, like "Oh!" It was dark in the room,
And all I seen was this giant shadow,
Between my legs, like a giant anaconda,
All right, all right, A baby anaconda,
Oh, hell with y'all, Rattlesnake,
All right, a garter snake,
But it was a dark garter snake and I was afraid for my life,
I thought it was about to bite me too,
I was about to shoot it too!
Then I said, "Wait a minute, I think I know this snake,"
I clicked on the light, and it was my dick just looking at me,
I was looking back at my dick and my dick said,
"Lavell?"
And I said, "Richard?"
And we both said at the same time, "Hey, man!
Where you been all this time?"
I hugged him and jacked him off and went on back to sleep,
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I've been Lavell Crawford,
Thank you, San Antonio,
The Alamo!
This is your third special,
- Yeah, -How was it different
-from your first one? -Oh, man, I mean, you know,
It's gonna be exciting, Every one has a story,
You know, my first one was just first one, you know,
Just very first one, getting it out there,
getting some love, then finally do a special,
The second one, "Home For the Holidays,"
just sharing stuff with people, man,
about the holidays, and my idea of the holidays,
But this one was very, very, very tumultuous to me, man,
Very, very exciting, a nice step in the right direction,
'cause I changed my look and I call it
the "New Look Same Funny," But I lost a few pounds, man,
I lost a few pounds, I got myself together,
-You know? -What would you say
to other people to try and do
what you've done with your health?
Um, man, you know, it's not easy, man,
It's not an easy road, man, But I realized, man,
when you wanna change, you change,
And one of the main things is I walk a lot,
take a lot of stairs, and my diet, man,
The diet is very important, The diet is very important,
I'm eating lots of green vegetables,
I mean, I juice, celery, broccoli,
You know, even some kale, man,
I didn't even want kale before, But it's so delicious
-now that I eat it,,,
Who is that? Excuse me for a minute,
Who's knocking on the door in the middle of an interview?
-Who-- -Hey, brother,
-You order a pizza? -No, I didn't order no pizza,
What are you talking about, man?
It says a large pizza for Lavell Crawford,
-You Lavell Crawford, right? -Yeah,,,
I am Lavell Crawford, I didn't order no pizza,
somebody must be playing with me, man,
-My life has changed, bro, -No, you sure,
because it says right here, "Lavell Crawford"
ordered a meatlover deep dish double-cheese,
you ordered double-cheese and a side of kale,
-This is yours, Lavell Crawford, -Excuse me, man,
-Excuse me for a minute, -You ordered a pizza!
Hey, look, brother, look, brother, Look,
I'll meet you upstairs in five minutes,
I told you not to come down here,
I'm in the middle of an interview, bro,
-I'm sorry, -Trying to do better
about myself, See you in five minutes,
Keep it hot,
Yeah, you know,
-Jokesters out here, man, -What happened?
I don't know, It's something,,,
Whatever, man, Just, all I say,
eat a lot of green vegetables, man,
But you know, you don't have to give up all your meat,
You know, I myself love meat, But pizza, come on, man,
I would never do that,