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- After dinner,
we can go sliding on the ice, ooh, cookies!
- Why don't we let the children pick theirs first?
- [Both] Thanks, Mom,
- Well, what your mother hasn't told you two
is that I get the rest of them,
- Yeah, right, - It's true!
- How about we put some aside for Santa
and then you can fight over what's left?
- Well, I'm bigger, so I'll win,
- Two of us, so we'll win,
- You guys probably would win,
okay, fine, you can have them,
- Let's not forget about the stockings,
- Right,
Alright, little lady, can you go under the stairs, please
and grab the stockings?
I'll guard your cookies while you're gone,
- Okay, but don't let Jenny have any,
- I promise,
[light melodic music]
- Oh, hello,
Why are you dressed like that?
[gasping]
Are you an elf?
♪ Silent night
♪ Holy night
♪ All is calm
♪ All is bright
♪ Round yon virgin
- Just put those over there,
Now the sink, Are you gonna help me with the dishes tonight?
- [Jenny] Yes,
[footsteps running]
♪ Holy infant, so tender and mild ♪
[footsteps running]
- Argh!
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
[clattering]
[stabbing squelches]
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
[stabbing squelches]
[ominous music]
[screaming]
[glass shattering]
♪ Silent night
[dark upbeat music]
[blowing wind]
["Silent Night" on harmonica]
[locker slams shut]
[background chattering]
- Looks like we have some fresh meat in the house tonight,
- You mean old, dying, death meat?
- Hi, - Hi Lilly,
- Lilly, Mel's not in tonight,
so you actually have to pull your own weight around here,
- Sure, Amanda, whatever you need,
- She's not your fucking boss, Lilly,
- I'm also here, bitches,
Merry Christmas though,
- Alright, well I have a lot of things to do tonight,
so I need you to take our new patient down for his x-rays,
- Yeah, sure, I can do that,
- Lilly, she's taking advantage of you,
- No, she's not,
- Whatever, I'm not gonna do all of your work,
- She's being a team player,
- Whatever, man,
- It's really okay,
- I've got a lot of things to do,
- You mean like fudging your resume,
so you can get the new supervisor position?
- [Amanda] I don't need to fudge anything,
'cause I'm super qualified,
- There's a supervisor position?
- Yep, and Amanda's not gonna get it,
- Oh, and you think you're gonna get it?
Yeah, I don't think so, - Don't want it!
- Oh, she is so annoying,
You should go, he's been waiting for a while,
- You're welcome,
[eerie music]
[door creaking]
Hi, Mr, Iblis, I'm Lilly,
I'm here to take you for your x-ray,
[coughing]
- That certainly took you long enough,
- Yeah, I'm sorry about that, we're short staffed tonight,
At least you got to wait
in the nicest wing of the whole hospital,
- Hm,
I see you're stuck here on Christmas Eve,
- I volunteered,
Um,,,
Your old residence hasn't sent anything yet,
- Well, it doesn't surprise me in the least,
the place was run like a Calcutta whorehouse,
[chuckling]
- I'll call them after Christmas,
So what brings you here with us?
- Well, I was told the nurses are cute
[grunts]
and uh, I haven't finished dying yet,
- I'm sorry,
- Hm, there's nothing to be sorry for,
I've just worn out this old body,
- Well, I'll take very good care of you tonight,
Do you want me to hold that? [ominous music]
- No, no, I think I'll just hang onto it myself,
- Okay, - For a while,
- Alright, well let's get going then,
[background chattering]
Beautiful album,
- This album is even older than I am,
a friend of mine gave it to me once, hm, and then he died,
I keep it on as a bit of a personal
Christmas tradition actually,
- I'm sorry about your friend,
- Oh, don't be so damn sorry, everybody dies,
that's the one thing that all of you people have in common,
- What are those?
- Well, I was never really one for photographs,
so I used it as a kind of Christmas scrapbook
and I started out collecting stories and news items,
- [Lilly] I think that's lovely,
- Ha,
That's what most people think,
when they consider Christmas
filled with happiness and family and gifts,
but in reality it's much, much more interesting than that,
- You know what? You're right, I remember reading something
about how the suicide rate goes up like crazy
around the holidays,
I guess it's more than just crappy gifts
and couples getting engaged,
- Yeah, well fuck those people,
[laughing]
- You're such a Devil, Mr, Iblis,
most people love that traditional stuff,
- Well, thank you, but it does depend on your tradition,
have you ever heard of the Reed family?
- [Lilly] I don't think I have,
- Ah, well they were a lovely couple,
intelligent, amusing, good cooks too,
[ominous music] it really is too bad,
- What happened?
- Well, let's just put it this way,
I really don't wanna bore you with my old stories,
- Oh, we've got a few minutes before we hit radiology,
let me have it,
- Well, okay, but I'll give you the short version,
It all started years ago on Christmas Eve,
[ominous music]
[lively jazz music]
- [John] I can't find my black socks!
Have you seen my black socks?
- Wear whatever socks you want, they won't care!
Why do you only own one pair of black socks anyway?
- I have one pair of black socks and one tie,
why would I need any more,
when have I ever needed to dress up?
- God, you don't need a tie to impress my parents, John,
they're going to love you, because I love you,
Besides, you can't wear a striped tie with a plaid shirt,
- What?
- [Iris] That is a crime against nature,
- You know, you keep saying they're gonna love me
and then you keep telling me how old-fashioned they are,
are they gonna be pissed that we're living together?
- Oh, my God, it's not that they're old-fashioned,
it's just they have certain traditions,
that are important to them and they're important to me,
Just relax, it'll be fun,
You know what, I've an idea,
- What?
Wait, no, no, no, no, no, Iris, no,
- Come on, it'll be fun!
We've only got a gram left anyway, we'll split it,
- You know, last time we did this,
I watched a candle burn for six hours,
I was convinced it was, don't,
I thought it was dripping the New Testament,
- Oh, okay, okay, okay, now you have to do it,
because that'd mean that I have a problem
and you're an enabler,
- Oh, fine,
Oh, ah, those taste like feet,
Um,,,
Okay, you know what, just keep me away from any mirrors,
'cause the last thing I want is to be tripping balls
in front of your family,
- Deal, let's go! - Okay,
[psychedelic music]
[laughing]
[siren blaring]
- Hey, you kids been drinking tonight?
[car door closes]
- Oh, my God, Arthur, how are you?
- I'm doing good, keeping busy, protecting the neighborhood,
rescuing cats from trees, the usual,
It's so good to see you,
I was actually just talking to your dad this morning,
- Oh, my God, we're on our way there now!
- Yeah,
- Oh, Arthur, this is John,
[clearing throat]
- Nice to meet you, John, - Same,
- Arthur and I grew up together,
- We sure did, hey, take good care of her, John,
She's the uh, she's the one that got away,
- Okay, - Really though,
I'll throw you in jail, [laughs]
No one will ever find you, [maniacal laugh]
[Iris laughs]
- Okay, you're hilarious, Arthur, we've gotta go, bye,
- Have fun, John!
- I'm really glad I got to meet your policeman ex-boyfriend,
while on shrooms,
- We were bound to run into someone I know anyway,
this place is like one big family, always has been,
- Speaking of which, any advice
before you throw me in with your family high as a kite?
- Yes, don't call my dad, sir, he hates that, call him Frank
and don't mention my sister's ex-husband either,
Oh, and don't even try to talk to my Aunt Marge,
she is, she's crazy, if she does talk to you,
just be polite and agree,
even if it's alarmingly racist, [laughs]
[light Christmas music]
- [Rose] "Misery?"
- Oh, oh, "Alive!"
- Dying peacefully in your sleep!
[vinyl record scratching]
- That's not a real movie and no,
- Ooh, "Sleepless in Seattle!"
- Yes, yes! - Oh!
- I love that Tom Hanks, he's so handsome and personable,
[door opening]
like a milkman,
- Don't be weird!
- So are you ready?
- Not at all,
- Oh! - Baby!
- Hi Mom! - Oh!
And you must be John, look at that bone structure!
- Uh, Thank you? - Come in, come in,
[laughing]
[lively jazz music]
- Hi, Frank and Rose, I've heard a lot about you,
- So formal, in our family we hug,
Now come on in,
Emma, can you bring John a beer?
- Yes, dear, oh, and I've got some great finger foods too,
- Oh, excellent,
So what do you do, John?
- Uh,,,
- Oh, cheers, thank you, - Oh,
- Uh, I work at the mall at a music store,
I'm the assistant store manager,
- Very cool,
You look surprised, like you expected me
to be disappointed you're not a doctor,
- Truthfully I was a little worried,
- Ah, I love music,
I'll show you my record collection after dinner,
it's quite the extensive library,
everything but Sinatra,
ever since the war, I just can't listen to Old Blue Eyes,
- [John] You were in Vietnam?
- Oh, you bet, 1st Battalion 9th Marines,
the old one nine, [ominous music]
you know what they called us?
- No, sir, - Don't call me sir,
- [John] No, Frank,
- They called us The Walking Dead,
highest killed in action rate
in all of Marine Corps history,
[beer can clicking]
One day we were down in the An Lao Valley
just before Operation White Wing,
Sinatra's playing on the radio,
my buddy, Hershel, he had this little radio
and he was always playing either Old Blue Eyes or Presley,
We were waiting for the other units to show up,
so we could start to evacuate the villagers,
before the air strikes,
when out of nowhere our guys started getting ripped in half,
[eerie music]
[sighs] I went to grab my rifle and I slipped
and fell in the mud and Hershel grabbed my arm to help me up
just as a grenade landed right beside us,
Hershel didn't think twice, he jumped right on it,
when I woke up, I was buried in the mud,
left for dead
and covered in bits and pieces of Hershel,
- Hors d'oeuvres!
[lively jazz music] [laughing]
- I'm just kidding with you,
I own a barber shop down the road,
I haven't fired a gun once in my life,
[squelching] - Whoa!
[psychedelic music]
Oh,
- [Frank] You okay, son?
- Yeah, I'm really sorry, I'm so sorry, I--
- It's okay, it's okay, it's an old carpet anyway,
it's fine, really, - Oh, okay,
I'm sorry, I'm just gonna use the bathroom real quick, so,
- Of course, it's up the stairs on your left, go ahead,
- [John] Okay,
- No, no mirror, okay,
- I am tripping the hell out, like I'm just, yeah,
- Well, it's fine, it's fine,
it's just a story my dad told you,
- Yeah, - Everything is going great,
- I mean, I just spilled beer all over your mom's carpet
and I just, I,,,
- It's going great, okay, it's just the drugs,
- Well, yeah, - Relax, relax,
drink some water, it'll be fine,
- Okay,
- Okay? - Yeah,
- You know my dad has a really twisted sense of humor,
but he is a sweetheart, I promise, I promise,
okay, just go with it, - Okay okay,
- No, no, no, no mirror! - No,
- [Iris] Come on, let's go, let's go, come on,
[lively jazz music]
- [Emma] Kids, dinner's on!
Iris, bring your aunt, - Okay, Mom!
Can you help Aunt Marge get up,
she has trouble standing, okay?
- Yeah, yeah, No problem, - Thank you,
I'm gonna help my mom and Rose with the food,
- Okay,
Okay, Aunt Marge, time for dinner,
Aunt-- - Oh!
I'm so hungry, I could eat a whole baby,
- Ha ha, Yeah,
- I'm just kidding,
the bones would get stuck in my teeth, [laughs]
[John laughs nervously]
- [Aunt Marge] Oh dear, oh dear, oh yes, oh yes,
- [John] Oh, thanks, Frank,
I'm gonna stick to water for now, thanks though,
- Emma, can you bring this boy some water?
He can't handle the booze, [laughs]
- [Emma] Okay, Frank!
- So John, - Hm?
- I don't know if Iris told you or not,
but our family is very big on tradition,
- [John] Yeah, she did tell me that,
- So I'll just warn you then,
we do a lot of organ foods for Christmas,
if you don't like something, don't feel forced to eat it,
- [John] I'm sure I'll love it all, it smells great
and besides my family's Scottish, so I've had haggis,
- [Frank] Great, that's perfect!
- I had Scottish once,
- [Emma] That's nice, Aunt Marge,
- He was delicious!
[eerie music]
- So John,
what Christmas tradition does your family celebrate?
- Oh, well my family's pretty spread out,
so my dad spends Christmas with my step-mom and their kids
and my mom goes on cruises in the Caribbean,
- Hm, - Yeah,
- Well, that's very sad, John,
I'm glad you're able to spend it with us then,
although not everyone has been so happy
to share in our traditions,
- Frank,
- [Frank] I'm sorry, honey,
- No, Mom, it's okay, I'm okay,
- John, Rose and her husband, Steven just recently broke up,
- [Emma] Frank, enough!
Enough,
- Mom, it's okay, I'm fine, Dad's right
You know, he just didn't understand me or our family,
- So of course I had to kill him with my bare hands,
[laughing]
- [Aunt Marge] He's in the freezer in the basement,
- Dad, stop it, you're scaring John,
- It's not like we're killing prostitutes
and burying them in the woods, we're just eating people,
- Dad!
[laughing]
- [Frank] Iris, you picked one with a little baby bladder,
[water running]
- I'm not high,
[slap]
Sweet, I'm not high!
Let's see,
Hey stranger,
- I am so sorry, are you feeling better?
- Yeah, I feel great,
- I'm really sorry about my weird family,
- Oh, they're not weird,
they're just kind of an acquired taste,
- [Emma] John, could you get the pies
from the freezer, please?
It's in the basement, bottom of the stairs,
around the corner on the right,
- Sure, no problem, - Thank you!
[ominous music]
- Ha, still not high!
Sweet,
[freezer door clattering]
[freezer door creaking]
[sinister music]
[tense music]
[panicked breathing]
- John, what's going on, what's wrong, what's going on?
- Iris, come on, we've gotta go!
- [Iris] What?
One second, I'm putting away the dishes!
- There's a body in the basement,
you really are eating people,
- Well, yeah, of course we are, we thought you knew,
- We thought you understood our traditions,
- Oh no, he's just like Steven,
- No, he's not, he understands,
you understand, right, John?
[Aunt Marge laughing]
- John, now put that down, let's talk about this,
We thought you knew, we thought Iris had told you,
- Steven's in the basement, we're saving him for Easter,
[laughing] [squelching]
[ominous music] [laughing]
- I'm so sorry, baby,
- I thought you'd understand,
- [John] I'm sorry,
- Get off my daughter! - No, get off me!
Get off me, you, get off me!
Iris, get off me, you murderer!
- You son of a bitch,
- I'm calling the cops!
- Open the damn door, John!
- Fuck, no! - Open the door!
- [John] I'm calling the cops and you're going away!
- Open the damn door, John, you stabbed Iris!
- [John] Yeah, well you're gonna fucking eat her next!
- No, I won't, are you crazy, open the damn door!
- You fucking cannibal!
I'm calling the cops!
- I don't think that's a good idea, John,
- Who to start with, huh, Frank?
Call an ambulance!
[footsteps descending staircase]
[water running]
[sobbing]
[siren blaring]
[sobbing]
- He's upstairs, Arthur, - Okay, thanks, Frank,
[knocking]
John, it's the police, can you open the door, please?
- They're eating people, they're actually eating people,
- Okay, John, you're in shock,
- Okay, there's a body in the basement in the freezer,
I'll take you to it, okay,
- Okay, okay, you have to cooperate though,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, - Okay,
- What are you doing?
- I'm putting you into custody for your own safety, John,
- No, there's a body in the basement,
it's in the freezer, I'll show you!
- Of course there is, John,
now I told you, I protect this neighborhood,
we have our own traditions
and we don't expect outsiders like you to understand that,
I don't know why the Parkers keep on insisting,
but this will be the last time, I assure you that,
Relax, John, - No, no!
Help, help! - Shut up, John,
- [John] They're eating people!
- You're under arrest for the murder of Iris Parker!
- What? - Anything you say,
et cetera, et cetera, get the fuck in the car!
- They're fucking eating people!
They're fucking eating people!
Argh, argh, stop, they're fucking eating people!
Argh, argh!
- What more can you tell us about this incident?
- Well, I think it's just important,
that this serves as a good lesson,
that even in a tight knit community like this one,
drugs come into play,
and turn a whole family's life upside down,
The suspect was found
with very high levels of various substances,
that we presume he took just prior to the incident,
- Quite scary,
As you were taking him away, I thought I heard him yelling
something like, "They're eating people,"
- Ha, ha! Yeah, who knows, right?
Kids, say no to drugs,
[eerie music]
[singing]
- They're eating people!
- Oh, that poor girl,
Did that really happen?
- [Mr, Iblis] Pretty certain that it did,
- Ugh, teenagers,
- Yeah, my exact thought,
- And you knew them?
- I knew them very, very well,
- That's so sad,
- I heard that he got gang raped in prison,
- [laughs] You're terrible,
- Did my little story cheer you up?
- Yeah, it really did actually, [laughing]
[mellow music]
[humming "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"]
- The Geezer Wing is practically empty tonight,
it's so fucking boring,
[sighing] The only dinosaurs left are the ones
whose families don't give a shit about them,
Then again, that's why I have a job,
I'm going for a drink tonight after work, do you wanna come?
- Are bars even open on Christmas Eve?
- The good ones are,
- No, thank you,
- Your loss, it'll be a healthy mix of fun and sadness,
- I gotta see my mom tonight,
- Bring her,
[whooshing]
- Why don't you just ask Amanda to go?
- No, she always booty calls her ex on Christmas Eve,
now that's sad,
- It won't be sad when I become your supervisor
and give you all the worst fucking shifts,
- Clearly I already have the worst shifts,
- I don't think it's sad, everyone has
- Nobody asked you,
- Don't be a bitch!
- I just, I just meant that--
- Why are we still talking about this?
Lilly, I need you to take the trash downstairs,
- The trash? - Yes, the trash,
- That's not her job!
- Well, the janitor's off tonight
and I'm pretty sure leaving a whole bunch of garbage bags
in the hallway is some sort of health code violation!
- Why can't he do it?
- 'Cause I'm on break, bitch!
- Oh, come on!
- It's okay, I'll do it,
[ominous music]
[deep rumble]
[sinister music]
[ominous music]
[machine beeping]
Mr, Iblis, are you lost?
- No dear,
I'm just exploring this wonderful and interesting place,
- I'm afraid there's not much to see here,
just more rooms in need of renovation,
- No, you're quite wrong,
imagine more than a century
of the dead, the dying, the disturbed all walking the halls,
I imagine there's some pretty delicious secrets here,
- I could tell you a few,
but they'd be about the other nurses,
- Oh, they do seem like an awful lot,
- Not all of them,
[ominous music]
- Has something frightened you?
- How did you,,,
I guess, I hate going in there, it creeps me out,
- Do you suppose it's haunted?
- I don't know,
- You have every right
to be frightened of the dead, you know,
Have you ever heard of the tale of Drunk Dead Debbie?
Hm, this is the one that you might want to relate
to your friend at the front desk,
before she ties one on tonight,
[haunting music]
[audience applauding]
- Sisters & Misters is coming back for season six
and we need you, this time the Misters will be choosing
who they wanna spend their lives with
and the Sisters will be competing for their affections,
Do you have what it takes
to capture the hearts of Dan and Derek,
our eligible Misters for this season?
Make a video of you and your Sister
and tell us why you deserve to be on the show,
We wanna see your personality, your charm
and any other assets that make you stand out,
[phone ringing]
- Yo! - Are you watching this?
- Uh, Yeah, I can't believe they picked Connor and Cole
over Tim and Chris,
- Tim has the most amazing six-pack,
- Hm-mm,
- But that's not what I'm talking about,
the casting call, did you see the commercial?
- Yeah, those brothers are fucking hot,
- And we're two hot sisters, we should totally make a video!
- Are you serious?
When would we have time?
We leave for Christmas Break with Eva in two days,
- That's perfect, we could bring our camera,
our makeup and our best push-up bras,
We'll show them that while we're ready to settle down,
we're still party girls at heart,
- Alright, let's do it! - Yes!
[light Christmas music]
- Hey, you guys, it's almost Christmas
and this is our annual tradition with our best friend, Eva,
she's gorgeous, smart and funny
and she'd probably be better at this show than us,
but she doesn't have a sister,
- You can't say that, even if it it true,
We're trying to sell ourselves here,
- Hey, you ladies coming in
or are you gonna stay out in the cold all day?
Strawberry daiquiri?
- Yes, please,
- Oh, I can't believe how nervous this is making me,
I'm gonna need many, many drinks tonight,
- Who are you kidding?
You have many, many drinks most nights,
- You guys are gonna film all weekend?
Do I even get a say in this?
I mean, it is my place and all,
- Did you see Dan and Derek?
Totally worth making a tape for,
- Hm,
You said this thing has night vision, right?
I think our audition tapes will really stand out,
if we do our own after dark confessionals,
It's a huge part of the show,
- Chill, you lush, okay, once you get that set up,
then we can get going
on our ladies night of drunken debauchery!
[cheering]
- Yeah!
[upbeat Christmas music]
- [All] Cheers!
- Okay, you lushes, if you're gonna do
your after dark confessional thing, you'd better get going,
- Ooh, me first!
Okay, here we go,
I've always had a crush on Katie's ex, Ryan,
but don't worry, bros before hos
or whatever the female equivalent is,
But sometimes I still think about him when I'm alone,
- Okay,
Huh, there's no other way to say it,
I'm a dirty girl,
I will try anything,
Dan and Derek would like that, right?
Oh shit, I mean, what if they both like me?
The show will let you do that, right?
I should probably delete this,
[soft Christmas music]
- Holy shit!
I am drunk,
Which one of you lushes brought the 151 rum?
- That's Sarah, I can't stomach it,
you can literally start a fire with it
and my sister drinks it,
- Are you two done complaining yet?
Let's open presents, - Ooh!
- Alright, well I'm gonna be traditional
and I'm not gonna open mine till tomorrow morning,
but you guys can have yours,
- Thank you,
[gasping]
It's beautiful!
I love it, thank you,
- [Eva] You're welcome,
- Oh, my God, Eva!
- [Eva] I overheard you talking
about how much you love those movies,
- Wait, what?
Seriously? - Yeah,
- "Die Hard?"
[sighing]
- The heart wants what the heart wants
and my heart wants young Bruce Willis
in the best Christmas movie ever,
- You guys are my best friends, I love you guys so much,
- Okay, break it up, [chuckling]
- Alright, oh, I've been sitting too long,
my ass is so numb,
Okay, who wants wine?
- [Sarah] Who would even put a picture like that?
- I know, like with a bird, - I know, who does that?
Who wants to look at a bird?
- [Eva] Hm, so nice,
- Hm, - Ooh!
- He's cute, - Hm-mm,
- Look at him, - Yeah,
- Oh, he's in a picture with a girl?
- Oh yeah, hm,
- Is it his sister, is it a girlfriend?
Oh, what about him?
- Hm, he's okay, - Yeah, he's got a beard,
never trust a guy with a beard,
- I know, you never know what they look like underneath,
Oh, look at, oh!
- [Katie] You're as bad as Drunk Debbie,
- You mean Drunk Dead Debbie,
- Who are you two talking about?
- I got this one,
[light Christmas music]
Debbie was nice but nerdy,
she didn't have a lot of friends,
so was always trying to impress,
They say that one year at her office Christmas party,
she had too much to drink,
This pack of she-wolves
decided to take advantage of the situation,
instead of helping Debbie and getting her a taxi,
they decided to see just how drunk they could get her,
They kept giving her shot after shot after shot,
they encouraged her as she stumbled around,
they laughed as she hit on her boss,
they chanted her name for every shot she took,
Then just like that, it was over,
the sickness hit her like a ton of bricks,
They laughed as she stumbled to the bathroom,
no one even cared to follow her,
she puked in the toilet, then passed out on the floor,
so out of it, she couldn't even wake up,
she ended up drowning in her own vomit,
They say her spirit is angry
and a group of three women can summon her,
all we need to do is say her name
and take a shot three times
and she will appear,
- Why the fuck would we wanna summon
a pissed off ghost covered in puke?
- Okay, all jokes aside, Sarah's right,
we shouldn't mess with stuff like this,
- Oh, don't be a wuss,
Plus it's a pretty good excuse to have three more shots,
[light Christmas music]
- [All] Drunk Dead Debbie!
Drunk Dead Debbie!
- Oh man, you guys promised me a ghost,
[electric crackling] [gasping]
[ominous music]
[laughing]
- [Eva] Oh wow, you can't plan that shit,
- [Sarah] Ugh, what's that smell?
One of you two has really stinky burps,
- [Katie] Okay,
let me find the camera and use the night vision,
just try to find the breaker box,
[sinister haunting music] - What?
Do you see something?
- [Katie] Guys, there's someone behind you,
[laughing]
- You almost had us there,
Stop fucking around,
- [Katie] I'm not kidding!
- Ooh, Drunk Dead Debbie
here to make sloppy lady love to you,
- Ew, I am not having my first lesbian experience
with a pissed off loser ghost,
[screaming]
[thudding] - Leave her alone!
Stop, no!
[stabbing squelch and flesh rip]
[screaming]
- [Eva] Ah, Ah, no, no!
No, no!
[sobbing]
Oh, my God, we're gonna die,
- [Katie] Okay, sh!
- We're gonna die, - No, no, no!
- [Eva] We're gonna die!
- It's okay, okay, okay, okay,
You're okay, it's okay, okay, okay,
Here, take this,
It's okay, okay, keep recording,
Somebody, somebody killed Sarah, I don't know who,
it's all fucked up,
What do we do now?
Shit, okay, okay,
we need to get the lights back on,
- We can't, we can't! - No, sh, it's okay,
- No! - We need,
we need to see, - No,
- We need to see, we need to turn the lights back on,
- I can't, - so I'm gonna go,
okay, it's okay,
- Don't go, - I have to go,
It's okay, it's okay, look at me, look at me,
[sobbing]
[heavy breathing]
[ominous music]
Fuck!
[gasping]
Oh God, you're alive, okay, okay,
I need to turn the lights back on, okay,
I'll be right back, I promise,
It's okay,
[heavy breathing]
[gasping]
Fuck!
[suspenseful music]
- My God, please, no!
Please, please, I'm so sorry!
Argh!
[choking]
[thudding]
- [Katie] Oh, my God,
- It hurts so bad,
Help me, - Okay,
It's gonna be okay, we're gonna get help,
but we have to get out of here,
- I don't think I can make it, I'm so dizzy,
- Okay, don't say that!
Can you stand?
Okay,
[eerie screeching] - Run!
[sinister haunting music]
- We didn't do anything to you!
You almost killed my sister!
- Katie, no!
I told you to run,
I'm sorry those girls were mean to you,
but do you know what, you fucking deserved it!
Nobody forced those drinks down your throat,
you just wanted to impress those girls!
You're ruining people's lives,
because you have no social skills,
you stabbed me in the fucking eye,
because you're a loser that has no friends!
[gasping]
[stabbing squelch]
[blood dripping]
[heavy thud]
- No!
Ah!
[grunting and panting]
No!
[coughing]
No, please, we were just having fun,
we didn't mean anything by it,
Just like you, I drank too much,
maybe, cough,
maybe, maybe I could be your friend?
[cracking thud]
[sinister music]
[retching]
[thick splashes]
[Debbie sobbing]
- Oh, my God!
- Definitely not God's work,
- May I?
- Don't you have to be somewhere soon?
- I'd rather sit here and listen to these stories,
it makes me feel better,
well, that my Christmas isn't the worst there is,
- Hm, well, Christmas is a strange time of year, isn't it?
People celebrating the birth of their savior
by giving each other gifts, hm,
and he wasn't even born on the 25th,
- He wasn't?
- The date of his birth was changed
to coincide with an already existing Pagan holiday,
- So they just stole some other holiday?
- Well, it's amazing what people are capable of,
They follow blindly,
they love blindly
and they destroy blindly,
[ominous music]
- Yeah, pretty crazy,
- Time to see your mother?
- Yeah, oh, soon,
I always spend Christmas Eve with her,
- That sounds lovely,
- No, it's usually not,
- You're a bright young woman
and I'm sure that she's very, very proud of you,
Thank you, little lady, you've given me hope,
and yeah, Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas,
[haunting music]
- What are you doing?
- I'm changing,
- Oh, I can see that,
but you didn't check with me to see if you could leave,
- My shift's over,
- Well, you know we're on a skeleton staff tonight
and sometimes you've got to chip in just a little bit more,
- But I'm already late
and my mom's gonna be really mad, if I'm,,,
- I don't care, Lilly, I'm in charge tonight,
not your mommy,
You should check with me to see if you could leave,
- But I have plans with my mother,
- So?
- Can I please go?
- Did you finish all of your rounds?
- Yes,
- Well, I guess you can go for the night,
You're welcome, Merry Christmas, Lilly!
- Lilly!
Lilly, hold up, hey!
- I'm done, - Yeah, I heard,
Listen, you've gotta stop taking her shit like that,
it does something to a person,
- Maybe I should become supervisor,
- Ha ha! Yeah, don't count on it,
But look, you'd do a better job than she would, okay,
Merry Christmas, Lilly,
[light music]
[sighing]
- Finally, you made it!
Do you know what time it is?
- [Lilly] Hi, Mom,
- Come in, come in,
I was worried something happened,
- [Lilly] Nothing happened, I just got hung up at work,
- [Lilly's Mom] Dinner's been ready for half an hour,
- [Lilly] I'm sorry, Mom, I thought I'd be on time,
- [Lilly's Mom] That's okay,
I've been keeping everything warm,
Next year try to get the whole night off,
then you'll be able to make yourself
a little more presentable,
- I'll try,
[ominous music]
- She made that in kindergarten,
isn't it beautiful?
You go get washed up, I'll put on dinner,
- Everything's delicious, Mom,
- Turkey's a bit dry, I should've taken it out earlier,
instead of waiting for you,
- I still think it's good,
- You should have higher standards,
- The place looks great,
I remember I used to help Dad decorate at the old house,
- Don't talk about your father,
- It's okay to talk about him,
- No, it's not,
- So I might be getting a promotion,
- That's nice,
- It'd be a supervisor position,
I think it'd be really good for me,
you know, to push myself,
- Good,
- Not that you care or anything?
- I don't care?
I care more about you than anything in the world,
- You never show it,
- You have no idea what I do for you,
what I continue to do for you,
- Well, you just don't sound happy for me,
I'm a nurse, Mom, that's a real job
and you act like I work on a street corner,
- I'm happy for you, Lilly, I'm very glad
that they might be giving you a promotion at work,
[alarm clock ringing]
It's time,
- Mom, can we please not?
- Lilith, we're not gonna have this conversation
year after year,
- I just don't--
- Lilly, I ask very little of you, very little
and you continue to fight me on this year after year!
I'm a goddamn saint for putting up with this shit!
Now go to the closet,
[suspenseful music]
- No,
- I'm sorry?
- No, I'm an adult now, Mom,
I won't keep doing everything that you say, ah!
- After everything you've done,
I ask you for one thing and it's a no?
- No, Mom,
No, Mom,
please don't do this, - I do this for you,
you ungrateful bitch!
- No, Mom, please, no,
[lock clicking] [banging on door]
Mom, let me out, let me out!
Please, please!
Mom, please,
[sobbing]
[electricity buzzing]
Fuck,
[eerie haunting music]
Oh shit, I can't believe she still has you,
[footsteps approaching]
Mom, you can let me out now, I'm thirsty!
- [Mannequin] She doesn't care,
- Yes, she does,
- [Mannequin] You're so full of shit,
She doesn't care about you,
- You don't know that,
- [Mannequin] You think she does this for you?
- I don't know why she does this,
- [Mannequin] Because she likes it, it gets her off,
- Oh, shut up,
- [Mannequin] Oh, she's probably sitting in the living room
fingering herself right now
thinking about guys running a train, oh yeah!
- Alright, enough!
That's my mother we're talking about here,
have some decency,
- [Mannequin] Exactly, your mother is supposed to love you
and buy you presents for Christmas,
not lock you in a closet,
- You think I don't know that?
Do you know what it's like to be locked in here
year after year like some kind of freak?
Kids at school used to tell me all about their Christmases,
you know, how they would spend time together as a family,
open presents, leave milk and cookies out for Santa,
tell each other stories, sing songs,
[ominous music]
- [Mannequin] Give me a break, [laughing]
- Ooh, it's still better
than being locked in a goddamn closet!
- [Mannequin] Think it might be a gay thing?
Keeps putting you in a closet?
- Oh!
- [Mannequin] You're a little small for a bull dyke,
The Flannel Brigade! - I'm done talking,
- [Mannequin] Don't you ever ever get tired
of seeking for her approval?
Or trying to earn her respect or love?
- Hey, if you were alive, I would fucking kill you!
- [Mannequin] Are you sure it's me that you wanna kill?
Oh, come on, we both know that she deserves it,
- She doesn't deserve that,
- [Mannequin] She just dragged you by your hair
and locked you in a closet,
you, a grown woman,
- Yeah, she's a piece of shit, but she's my mother,
- [Mannequin] That's exactly why she deserves it,
- No, no, we're not killing anybody,
- [Mannequin] Hey, I'm not the one who brought it up,
- Yes, you did, this whole murder thing, it's all you!
- [Mannequin] Whatever, I like it in this closet,
It wouldn't be very hard to do,
Dad's old tools are in that box over there,
you could use those to pop the lock,
it wouldn't be very hard at all,
You know deep down it's what you want,
- I can't do that,
- [Mannequin] But we both know
that you're more than capable,
- Okay, I won't do that,
- [Mannequin] Fine, I guess I'll just see you
here next year, oh, and the one after that
and the one after that
and the one after,
how long do humans live?
The one after that, the one after that, the one after that,
the one after that, I don't have to worry about dying
and the one after that and the one after that,
how long do you think it-- [screaming]
[smashing]
- Lilly!
[ominous music]
Lilly?
Come out, Lilly, there's nothing to worry about,
just do as your mother says,
[wood creaking]
Lilly?
[wood creaking]
Lilly?
[ornament clanks on the ground]
[heavy breathing]
[suspenseful music]
- Argh!
[Stabbing squelch]
[flesh ripping]
[groaning]
[blood pouring and dripping]
[squishy thud]
- [Mannequin] Well, that,,,that just happened,
- Yep,
- [Mannequin] How's it feel?
[heavy sigh]
- I need a drink,
[mellow Christmas music]
[coughing]
Oh,
- [Mannequin] Nothing like a stiff drink
after murdering a loved one, am I right?
Yeah, I'm right,
- You know what, I feel really good,
- [Mannequin] Hm-mm,
- It's like this giant weight has just been lifted,
It's better than sex,
- [Mannequin] Yeah, I wouldn't know, no genitals,
[laughing]
- I wouldn't either,
- [Mannequin] Yeah, let it all hang out!
- You were so right,
- [Mannequin] I'm always right,
You should listen to me more,
- I'm trying to say thank you, you pompous ass,
- [Mannequin] I'm not pompous, I would say self righteous,
[sighing]
- [Lilly] Will you please just accept my thanks?
- [Mannequin] You're welcome,
- Hm, there you go, I feel like a new woman,
I can do anything, I can do what makes me happy
and she can't do anything about it, [sighing]
- [Mannequin] Hm, it's a Christmas miracle,
- Can you sit down? - Legs don't bend, sweetie,
- Alright, you know what I regret?
- [Mannequin] [sighing] Uh, What?
- I regret killing her too quickly,
I wish I could've told her what a bitch she was,
how much pain and embarrassment
she's shown me my whole life,
how much she fucked me up,
[laughing]
[ominous music]
- [Lilly's Mom] You've got to be kidding me,
- Mom?
- I fucked up your life? [laughs]
Well, at least you're still alive,
- [Mannequin] Oh, my God, what's going on?
- What the hell, Mom?
- You've got some nerve accusing me of ruining your life,
- You locked me in a closet every Christmas Eve,
since I was a little kid,
- Oh, go throw yourself a pity party, you whiny bitch,
'cause you're so much worse,
- Ooh, and you wonder why Dad left you,
[laughing]
What?
[both laughing]
What's funny?
- You think your Dad left because of me?
Poor little girl,
you'll have to look in the mirror for that one,
- Ooh, uh! [slapping]
[laughing]
[slapping] Uh!
[laughing]
What the, uh!
Uh!
- You cunt! - Uh!
[cheerful Christmas music]
[coughing]
[thudding] - Ooh!
Uh!
[slapping] - Uh!
Uh!
Argh!
- Uh!
- Argh! - Uh!
[stabbing squelch]
- [Mannequin] Nice shot!
- Congratulations, Lilly,
apparently murder's the one thing you're good at,
[dramatic music]
[grunting] [squelching]
- Argh!
Argh! [thudding]
Argh!
[dishes smash]
Uh!
Oh!
- [Mannequin] I really don't think this is helping anything,
- Fuck off, Giggles!
Argh!
- [Mannequin] I just don't feel like this is productive,
[groaning in pain]
- [Lilly] I think this is very productive!
- Argh, argh!
Argh, argh! - Just die!
[thudding]
- [Mannequin] So did that help?
- As long as she stays down,
[heavy breathing]
- [Mannequin] Woo!
If I could sit, I'd be on the edge of my seat,
[sinister haunting music]
- Sorry to disappoint,
- Oh,,,
- [Mannequin] Tough bitch!
- You win, I give up,
[spitting]
- Oh Lilly, poor, sweet, dumb Lilly,
- You always knew how to make me feel loved,
- I always knew how to protect you,
- You never protected me,
- How'd it feel when you stabbed me?
- It felt good,
- And?
- I don't know,
- Think, Lilly,
- I don't know!
- Come on, Lilly, stop being such a fuck up and think!
[haunting music]
- It felt comfortable,
- And?
- And it felt
familiar,
That wasn't my first time,
- Bingo!
- [Mannequin] Tell her what's she's won, Bob,
[sinister haunting music]
- Dad, did I?
- Yep,
[stabbing squelches]
- [Mannequin] Now you're getting it,
- There's something about Christmas,
that always seemed to set you off,
You wonder why I locked you up?
- But I, I remember,
- [Lilly's Mom] Go on,
[suspenseful music]
[metallic whooshing]
- Jenny, oh, my God, I killed Jenny!
And Dad!
- All my sweet little girls,
- All?
[thudding]
Oh, shit!
- And you wonder why I just didn't like you very much?
- I didn't know,
- [Mannequin] You were always such a natural,
[metallic whooshing]
[dog whining]
I remember everything!
- And now you're-- - Ready,
You protected me,
- You're my little girl, you're all I had left,
- I'm sorry, Mom,
[slow piano music]
- I'd do anything for you,
- Thank you,
I have to go,
- I know,
[somber orchestral music]
- [Mannequin] Well, that took long enough,
- I'm so proud of her,
- [Mannequin] Hm-mm,
[sinister haunting music]
- Hello Lilly,
- I like your suit,
- Well, I am a man of wealth and taste,
For the first time, I can see the real you,
I knew you would get there,
- And how did you know?
- I know many things,
he is not the only one who works in mysterious ways,
Are you ready?
I am,
♪ Silent night
♪ Holy night
♪ All is calm,
♪ All is bright
♪ Round yon virgin, mother and child ♪
- Shall we?
♪ Holy infant, so tender and mild ♪
[slicing squelch]
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
[pouring blood]
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
[gulping]
[eerie haunting music]
♪ Hush little baby
[eerie haunting music]
- Lilly, are you still here?
Are you okay?
Holy shit!
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go get help,
- Oh hey, - Lilly killed Mr, Iblis!
- What?
What the fuck is going on, ugh!
♪ Silent night
[squelching]
♪ Holy night
♪ All is calm
[thudding]
♪ All is bright
♪ Round yon virgin, mother and child ♪
[sobbing]
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace
- What the fuck are you doing here?
[thudding squelch]
- You're welcome,
[ripping flesh]
♪ Silent night
♪ Holy night
♪ Jesus Lord, at thy birth
[squelching]
♪ Jesus Lord, at Thy birth
[light Christmas music]
[dramatic orchestral music]
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