-Good morning, bay area!
It's a beautiful Monday,
Hope you'll get out there
and try to forget about this past weekend,
especially you sports fans,
I've never seen so much bad luck in three days of my life,
If anybody put money down on our bay-area favorites,
you might want to think about robbing a bank
and getting out of the country,
Or maybe you should just go back to Vegas and stay there,
I don't what to stay besides "music cures all,"
Here's hoping this new track
from "the illness" will do just that,
-Yeah? -Thomas!
Hey, it's Sam calling for my dad, Carl,
You have had
some of the worst luck anyone has ever had,
-I can have your money for you in a week,
-A week? The last time
my dad waited a week, i had to find the guy,
Had to track him down and cut off his finger,
Had to bring it back to my dad,
Ended up being the wrong finger,
The point is I got trouble, See, it's about image,
I can't go around cutting off everybody's fingers,
There's only digits on a guy's hands,
then I got to move to toes -- -I'll get it, all right?
Look, I'm on a new film right now,
I could just ask -- -a new blockbuster
like your last couple?
What was that last one you did with, uh,,,
With a plot?
-Just give me some time,
I'll have it,
-Well, I'm sure, I'll see you soon,
-Hey, pop?
This guy's not gonna come up with 15 grand,
even if he had a week,
You wanna make a bet this becomes an amazing action movie?
-Tomas will be out any second now,
Don't start the car until we see him,
-Hi, you've reached Sara, I'm not available,
Give me a call, but leave me a message,
-Don't worry about the sign,
It's a low-budget gig,
I'm sure you're gonna get some great action for your reel,
-Okay,
-Hey, guys, Sorry for the wait, There was a huge order
put in before yours -- a little bit confusion,
-Are you gonna put it down
or are you gonna keep babbling like an idiot?
You mean to tell me whose is which?
That's mine,
So put his there and give me my plate!
-Oh, here,
-What are you doing? -You're fired!
-I didn't --
-hey, Sara,
-Hey, baby, -I need to crash with you
for a couple of nights, Is that all right?
-Yeah, sure, Is everything okay?
-It's too hard to explain right now,
-All right, I'll see you soon,
-All right, thanks, bye,
-So, you've known Nick longer than I have?
-Uh, yeah,
I've known Nick since we were kids,
But you been working with him for two years now, right?
-Uh-huh, So, um,
Nick probably gave you a good idea of what we do here,
-Yeah, he said you guys get paid pretty well
for just taking a few pictures
and, uh,,,
Every now and then, things get a little physical, but,,,
It's not like you guys are running around in the middle
of a gun fight or something, right?
Right?
-Is that what he said?
-W-well, yeah,
Is that -- -don't worry about that,
Listen, sometimes things get a little physical,
but I'm assuming since Nick sent you here
today to fill in for him that you understand that,
- Well,,, yeah,
But,,,
-Yo, -Hey, is punk ass there?
-Yeah, your guy's here, You wanna stop by?
-Listen, I just got a ticket for parking --
-yeah, okay,
-Who was that?
-You blind?
This the guy? -Yep,
That's him,
-Was that -- did you just call?
-Don't matter, Stand up,
-Wait, is this -- is this -- -don't worry about it,
Get up,
What are you, like, 20?
-No -- -doesn't matter,
-Wait, wait!
How far is this supposed to go?
Hey,,,
-Nice,
-What, are you guys nuts? -Hey, hey,
I didn't know he was gonna do all of that,
-And who is he?
-That's Stan,
He's an old buddy of Nick and I,
He's been a bounty hunter for a couple of years now,
so, you know, we help each other out on cases,
-You work with this guy?
-Sometimes,
You got the job, by the way,
-Uh -- -grab that folder right there,
We're gonna make a run, drop off some pictures to a client,
Then you and I get to start on this new case together,
-Wha-- I --
what about -- what about Stan?
-But Josh handled himself like a pro just like you said he would,
-Hey! -All right, he's coming,
I'll call you back,
-Oh, you seem very okay with everything
that just happened in there, Man, I'm not cool with that,
-Listen, I'm not putting my life in the hands of someone
who needs some warning before something goes down,
I wanted to see what you got, Stan was down to help,
Now, you handled yourself like Nick said you could,
but I had to be sure,
If you want to fill in for Nick,
I got your back as long as you agree to get mine,
It's the only way this is gonna work,
-I told Nick I'd help fill in for him 'cause
him and his girl are having a baby
and he'd do the same thing for me,
-Otherwise, what?
You'd go get another job? -Yeah,
-Oh, really?
'Cause Nick told me about the last couple jobs you had,
-I could make money doing something else,
-Not as much as you would with me, but, you know,
it's up to you,
-I'm down as long as that is my last test,
-I told you you got the job, Why would I need to test you
again?
So?
-All right, All right,
-Come on,
So, I'm curious, You ever use a gun?
-Yeah, at a range,
-Okay, good, -Wait, wait, wait,
Is getting shot at a part of this job?
-Thinking positive is good,
but being prepared is even better,
-Do you have a gun?
Did Nick have a gun?
-No, Nick never carried a gun,
That's probably why he got shot,
I'm joking,
I think Nick would have told you if he got shot,
-Well, I don't know! He didn't tell me about Stan!
That's not funny, man,
-I just want you to know I'm carrying,
And I've never had to use mine,
but I feel better having it on me,
So, you know, whatever you want, Come on,
Let's go, Let's go,
-So, shouldn't I get a bullet-proof vest?
-Yeah, that's probably a good idea,
-Well, then shouldn't you get one, too?
-No, why? I already have one,
-So, who's this client we're gonna go see?
-Check out that folder,
-So, what, we just --
we go over there, drop off the pictures, that's it?
-Yeah, then we start looking for the action stars,
They're in there, You'll see,
-I don't recognize this guy at all,
-Tomas de la Cruz is actually a popular action star
from a small town in Peru, He made some cheesy action films
and now he's got himself a little cult following,
-What do you mean "cheesy" action films?
-Cut!
What the hell? -What's wrong?
-Somebody got the boom in the shot,
-Somebody got in my shot,
-Who?
-Jesus Christ,
-Well, I'm not doing all that again,
so you guys better just cut that up and take it from, uh,
this guy's fall, -Uh, he's, uh, not conscious,
-What?
-This is not the fake piece of wood,
-Why would there be any real pieces of wood anywhere near me
during this part of the fight? And what is the purpose,
if I may ask, of all this powder?
-I told you there's too much powder,
-Told me? -Yeah, Yeah, you,
-Why is that my responsibility?
Have him do it, -Hey, hold up,
Hold up, What? I could do it,
-Wow, All right, you know what?
He can do it, okay? I'm gonna go take a break,
You guys figure it out, Let me know when you need me,
And get this guy some medical attention or something,
Jesus,
-Tomas,
-Manny, just tell Carl that I'm getting paid
enough for this masterpiece I'm working on now,
-Yeah, okay,
Who's this?
-What?
That's just --
that's just his fan that came up to me and wanted an autograph,
- Yeah,
Yeah, sure he is, Come on,
You know I'm here to bring back something of value,
-All right, I got some cash in the car,
all right? Just hang on,
-Yeah, let me come with you,
Make sure your fans don't get too hostile,
-Tomas's beatdown put Carl's right-hand-man
in the hospital, -Damn,
-Carl's not a guy you want to be making bets with,
I mean, he's closer to a mob boss than he is to a bookie,
-So, why is Tomas up here
if he's an action star down in Peru?
-He thought he could break into the industry up here,
Since he couldn't catch a good break,
he started betting on a few things to make some money back,
but the losses started racking up pretty quickly,
-So, what, we -- we find him, tell Carl where he is?
-That's usually how it's supposed to go,
but if it was that easy,
I wouldn't need a partner to back me up,
People don't like being followed around, you know?
-Yeah, well,,,
Maybe they can choose their friends
a little better then, you know?
All right, who is this and where is he allowed
to be in action movies, man?
-Sameer yousef -- another popular action star
from sahab, -Where's that?
-A small city in Jordan, Doesn't matter,
Sameer's actually been following in Tomas's footsteps for years,
He claims he taught him everything he knows,
-So, sameer owes Carl money, too?
-I don't know,
But sameer's been seen with Tomas,
He's the only connection we have right now,
So far, we don't know if Tomas has any other friends up here,
and we still don't even know where the guy lives,
-So then how are we even supposed to find these guys?
-Well, Tomas is gonna be tough,
but sameer is actually a lead in an indie action film
that is now on hold 'cause he walked off,
So we're just gonna have to keep an eye out for that production
to get up and running again,
-Okay, cut!
-Did he just say "cut"?
-I'm feeling a little hungry, so why don't you go ahead
and bring my stunt double for now while I take a rest?
Okay,
-Yeah, right,
Okay, Uh, well, all right,
Let's get the stunt double out,
Okay, this guy's terrible, man, What do you say
we shoot the last few moves with the stunt double?
-Sure, It's good to make sure,
-Yeah? Okay, yeah,
Yeah, we're gonna take it back a few shots, all right guys?
-Hey,
You know, i could do these moves,
but I wouldn't want to stop the pace right now,
-Yeah, okay,
-All right,
Hey, do your thing, man,
-Do they look alike?
-He came highly recommended,
-Yeah, that's fine,
But we still have to shoot the shot,
Now, how do we do that when they don't look alike?
-If you shoot it at the right angle,
-Guys, sorry about the confusion on that last take,
Let's just work on the set of moves that we did earlier,
and you guys will be great,
-All right, guys, Let's lock it down,
Give me a slate,
-Scene 19, take 85,
-Roll camera,
And action!
Wow,
Cut, Wow,
That was incredible, man, Huh,
Man, if this guy lost 100 pounds,
you could have him as the lead,
Uh, all right, guys,
That's dinner, Food's out in the truck,
Let's go,
-Hey, man,
I think me and you, we trained at the same martial arts school,
-All right, I'm gonna go take --
-i detect a little disbelief,
You're probably thinking because I took a break time
it's your time to shine and make me look bad!
-I'm just trying to do my job,
If you have a problem, talk to the director,
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
I studied 10 styles of martial arts
and I never needed this spinning kicking stuff,
just the element of surprise,
Hey, what's that?
That was pretty good,
I'm glad you passed my test,
I only surround myself with the best talent there is,
And you, my friend, are good enough to be my stunt double,
-Find someone else, asshole, -Okay,
Okay, that's fine,
But just to let you know that you won't be nothing
in this industry,
Nothing!
-Hey, what's going on, man?
Why am I seeing Dave walk off like that?
-If you can't hire a professional stunt double --
-hey, buddy, That guy's obviously a pro,
He's been doing it for years! -Yeah?
Well, y-y-your pro just attacked me,
-I can't believe this guy is an action anywhere,
I got to see his movies,
-No, you don't,
All right, man,
Time to help break someone's heart,
Grab that folder,
-Are we just gonna give her the photos and that's it?
Isn't that kind of cold?
-We're not her psychiatrist,
What do you want to do?
-I don't know,
-Who's this? -I-I'm Josh,
Um, I'm -- I'm sorry for,,,
-Just come on inside, I'll get your money,
All right, let me see the pictures,
-Sorry, Michelle,
-Hey, um,,,
Michelle, you know, sometimes people, you know,
they've --
-son of a bitch is gonna pay,
-Was that normal for her to carry a switchblade
in her apron? -I don't know,
I'm hungry, though, You hungry?
-Oh, morning, -Afternoon,
-Really?
-Yeah,
I made you some breakfast,
You might have to heat it up a little,
-Thanks,
Hey, you think i could borrow your car again?
I-i-i got to get down to --
-Tomas, I have to get to class
and I have to work later,
-Right, right,
-What is it?
-I was thinking, you know,
you and I, we should -- need to take a trip, you know?
Like, let's get out of here, you know?
Let's do something to break the routine,
Just me and you, you know?
-Uh, that would be nice,
but you know I have finals next week,
But maybe after that,
-Mm-hmm,
-And besides, you have to finish your movie, right?
-Yeah, you're right,
Yeah, -Okay, I got to go,
-Yeah, who is it? -It's Tomas,
-If you're in debt, why don't you just use this
to pay whoever you owe money to?
-'Cause I think I need a little bit more on the down
before I could start making payments,
-Huh, Okay, Same time tomorrow --
you got a passport and I,D,
-Okay,
-Dick,
-Mmm,
What?
Want me -- want me to get something else?
-You're -- you're --
you're not even worried about what Michelle might do
to her now-ex-boyfriend? -Why?
Do you have some special place in your heart for cheaters?
-No, I -- I'm just saying, what if she actually goes
and nunchakus this guy up or worse?
-Yeah, well, she might do that,
She might have done that to the last guy,
I guess we'll never know, right?
Unless she pays us to follow her,
-Okay, so,,,
You're saying if you don't see anything, then,
-Out of sight out of mind,
I suggest you get used to it, all right?
Nick and I got paid for delivering information
to people, not for what they do with it,
Hang on, I got to take this,
Hello?
-Welcome back to "celebrity action rehab live!"
-Did you move my stuff?
-What stuff? -My makeup bag in the bathroom,
Did you move my stuff?
-Why would I move -- oh, really?
-What's this? Ladies, ladies,
Are we here to fight addictions
or are we here to fight each other?
-Hey, you down to make a couple extra g's tonight?
-Uh, yeah, What -- what's going on?
-Uh, my buddy needs backup,
-W-what does that mean, "backup"?
-Uh, we're probably just gonna make sure he doesn't,
uh -- nothing goes crazy, Whatever,
Hey, you ever see that show,
"celebrity action rehab"?
-No, what-- -it's stupid,
-But what are we gonna do? -Prime time slot,
Let's go, I'll tell you in the car,
-W-wha--
-you're real smart, bitch,
-I -- I just want to know who we're backing up,
-Hey!
Thanks man,
Why you always messing with my car?
-Who is this?
-So, what's up? -Some guy stole a Van
full of missing artwork on the way to the museum,
I've been telling him for an hour now --
three guys, didn't really recognize them,
They're probably buyers,
-Okay, so, who hired you? The museum?
-No, actually, this is the delivery company,
They figure the missing Van would be low priority
for the police,
-So u-haul hires bounty hunters?
-Was I talking to you?
-I'm just saying it's kind of funny,
a delivery company's hiring -- -if you want
a cut of this money, you better watch your mouth,
-I'm not even saying anything about you, man,
-Yeah, I didn't figure you'd want this again,
-Again?
You're memory's a little altered there, buddy,
-Hey, hey, Come on,
Look, we're here to get your back,
okay? Relax,
Let's go, -All right,
So, anyway, like I was saying,,,
All right, there's four guys,
They're unloading the artwork right now,
These guys are low-level,
The leader looks like he's young noir or something like that,
Three guys in there look like they're going clubbing
afterwards, -Wait, wait,
How many guys you trying to catch?
-I don't know,
Why don't you get a calculator and go figure it out?
-Hey, I'm just-- -so, what's the plan?
-My client's paying me to get the artwork back,
The Van they sold,
And whatever happens, happens,
-Question -- why wouldn't any of these guys have guns
or something? -They probably do,
But if they do, then so do we,
-Yeah, well, I don't,
-Oh, yeah,
-What did you expect, you idiot?
-Don't worry about it, There's two of us,
We got your back,
If people start shooting,
just hang back, -Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Hang back and see if you get a cut of the money,
-Don't worry,
Just do what you do,
-Oh, what are they doing here?
-Who? -Those three guys in black,
Those are Carl's guys, -Oh, good,
So we don't have to worry about them?
-I don't know,
I'm not buddies with them or anything,
I'm just saying i know them and they know me,
-So what now?
-Well, I'm guessing they're here to do some kind of deal,
and since we're trying to stop that from happening --
-all right, all right, all right, Well, we'll see,
All right, hey, I'm gonna go take those three,
-Fine, I got the guys on the left,
-W-what about the other guys? -Okay,
On three?
Hey! Everybody get on the ground!
-Ken?
-Hey, man,
I'm just helping my buddy with these guys,
We're not here for you, -Hey, get on the ground,
-Stan, just one second,
-Carl sent us here to pick up some stuff,
Think you know what that means,
-Yeah, well, my buddy's here to get that stuff back,
so I'm sure you understand,
I'm sure Carl will, too,
-I don't think Carl likes you as much as you think he does,
-Hey, man, I'm still working for him just like you,
-Come on, guys, Let's go,
-Hey! Why isn't dick face
on the ground? -What did you say?
-I said, "why are you on the ground, dick face?"
-Stan, relax,
-Guns are for pussies,
And you, my friend, are a pussy,
I would own you, -Oh, would you?
-Just calm down, Stan!
-Oh,
Whoops,
Nick's substitute, right?
-Thanks,
-You didn't seem yourself while you were training today,
What's the problem?
-This last film i worked on didn't go too well,
First the director made a comment about my weight,
-David, shape and size cannot hide talent,
It adds character,
and your father was the living proof of that,
-Yeah, but he didn't try to make it the entertainment industry,
-I bet he could have if that's what he wanted to do,
Before he passed away,
he did everything he wanted to do in life,
He never let anyone tell him he couldn't do anything,
like you when you first started training with me,
-That's training here with you,
Out there, it's a different world,
During break, the lead tried to pick a fight with me,
-Jealous of your talent, maybe?
-He seemed pretty confident to me,
-People who pick fights
usually don't have someone to fight with them,
and people who talk down to people
usually need someone to listen,
-So what am I supposed to do?
Defend someone that wants to fight me and lend my ear
to someone that's insulted me?
-Not challenging enough for you?
-Hello?
-Hey, David, It's frank, -Yeah,
about that sameer thing, well,
here's the deal -- nobody saw nothing,
so unfortunately, it's sameer's word against yours,
-And what did he say?
-Well, apparently he says
he was talking to you about martial arts,
you somehow became offended and attacked him,
-What an asshole,
-Yeah, basically he's told everyone on set that, you know,
he refuses to work around a maniac,
-So what does that mean for me?
-Well, since he's the lead,
they're just gonna go with another stunt double,
But, hey, d-don't worry about it,
You know, I'll keep an eye out for you,
And besides, think about it this way --
as long as people keep eating all that fast food,
you'll have work, -Okay,
-Hey, listen, i had a breakfast burrito
and that thing's working its way through me,
I got to get to a toilet fast,
-Yeah, Bye,
-Yeah, talk to you soon, buddy,
-What's up? -Oh, hey,
How's it going? -Who's this guy?
-Uh, it's,,, bill
-no, I'm Tony,
-Might want to make sure it's actually bill,
I don't want to keep you -- you're busy --
but is my dad here?
-Yeah, what's up? -Rich, Vic,
and Ivan were supposed to pick up some artwork for my dad,
but they screwed it up,
I can give them one more chance, but then I have to kill
all three of them,
And then that's a bummer
because you got to take care of the bodies -- you know,
digging all the ditches and however you do it,
It's not my -- you know what?
I'll handle it,
Well, see you around,,,
William, Um,,,
Well, actually, I probably won't ever see you again,
But see you,
-Isn't this fun? Huh?
Aren't we all having fun? Right?
Silence!
Rico, my old friend,
-Hyena, -I thought you were dead,
-Didn't take,
-Ha ha ha,
-Get out of my way,
-You're just in time,
We're having a little party for this bitch,
-Well, you know what they say,,,
"It's not a bitch party without a bitch,"
-Indeed,
-One moment,
Hyena, there's just one problem,
-Yes?
-This bitch is my sister,
-My nuts!
-Oh!
-Drop the gun,
I'm British,
-I thought you were German,
-Well, people change,
Now turn around,
Ha!
What good is your code of Peruvian bushido now?
-It's good for this,
-Rico!
-Easy, Nothing,
-Oh, rico, if you weren't my brother,,,
-I'm not, I'm your step-brother,
-Tomas de la Cruz!
Man, I know I can make it like you did,
And I'll never forget what you told me that day,
Respect,
-What the hell are you doing, man?
-Sorry, Mr, de la Cruz? I'm a huge fan of yours,
I love your movies,
And "multiple impact" is such an action classic!
-You -- you've seen my films? -Yes, sir,
All three,
And I started acting and studying several martial arts
to be as great of an action star as you,
-R-really? Now, see, that's funny,
'cause actually I don't even take martial arts, man,
I just kind of punch and kick people,
-No way, man,
You must be a natural then,
because I studied 10 martial arts to be as great as you, man,
-Dang, 10? -And I read all 10 books twice,
-Oh, I see,
So you read fighting books,
-Yes, sir, -Well, hey, you know what?
Whatever keeps you motivated, you know, is --
is good, I guess,
-Thank you, Thank you,
-Yeah, hey,
-Can I take an autograph?
-Uh,,, sure,
-Can you make it out to, uh, sameer yousef, please?
I can't believe that I just met you now,
I was on my way to an audition downtown and,,,
This must be a sign,
Unbelievable, -There you go, man,
-Thank you, sir,
Can I take one picture? Just -- just one picture?
-Yeah, sure,
-My friends won't believe this,
All right,
Yes!
Hey, this is me, -Yeah,
Oh, hey, man, You know what?
I got to go, It was really great to meet you
and, uh, take it easy, all right?
-Is everything okay?
-Aye! -Hey, is something wrong?
Is -- is it paparazzi?
I'll create a divergence! -What are you doing?
Isn't that your -- get on the train!
-Hey, Vic, Let's get ready to move,
Looks like they're getting on this bus,
-I swear, if we lose these guys, you guys
are all walking back to Carl's,
-What? Why?
-'Cause you guys keep asking me stupid questions,
Let's go,
-I get it,
You keep pretending that people are chasing after you
so you keep your acting sharp,
Wow, -Yeah, no,
It -- it helps, It does,
It helps,
-Wow, That is fantastic,
Hey, can you give me any other advice?
I would really appreciate it,
-Well, it's a tough business, -Okay,
-All right, there's always gonna be some asshole trying to Jack
you of your opportunities, all right?
So don't trust anybody, -Okay,
-Okay? -Thank you, Thank you,
-Yeah, I hope you make your audition, man,
-Thank you so much, sir,
Hey!
Hey, it's an honor!
Whatever,
-Man, that was a waste of time,
He didn't even have a gun, -Don't worry about it,
Look, we've got snacks now,
Hey, man, You got to try these chips,
-Those look like not chips, all right?
Why are we walking through all these alleys?
-I don't like to pay for the parking,
Chinatown sucks,
-Man, I don't need one of those, What I really need right now
is -- -one of those?
-Hey, shut up and give me your wallets -- both of you,
-Man,
This is just -- -what are you doing?
-I'm giving him my wallet, -Just shut up,
And you, do the same thing --
wallet, now, -No, I don't want to,
-What? -Are you crazy?
-Yeah, man, What are you, crazy?
-No,
Look, if I give you my wallet, can I put
these down on the ground? -Whatever,
Wallet, now, -You know what?
I don't want to do that 'cause it smells like someone
took a piss here and i don't want to mess up my chips,
So you hold this, -Hold this?
-Hold this,
Look at that,
-Yeah, uh, it's a gun with no -- no clip,
There's no bullets,
-Always complaining,
-Okay, come on, man,
-So, this guy, Pete, he makes fake I,D,S
-yeah, there's only a few guys that are really pro,
Right there -- white door,
-So, what? We just wait?
-Yep, -All right,
-Hello? -I told you weren't out of it,
-What's up?
-New martial arts film casting
for an overweight actor who can throw a couple of kicks
and they don't care what you look like,
Now who's the man?
-Live! -What am I gonna do?
Take drugs through my phone? Is there an app for that?
What right do you have to take my phone from me anyway?
-It's part of the agreement that all patients
make when they're receiving treatment here,
Attacking the nurse is not the way to deal --
-attacking? -You stomped on her foot,
-I'm sorry, okay?
-After you apologize to the right nurse,
-Okay, fine!
-Okay, stop it right there,
Take it back a couple of seconds,
-Yeah, what am I gonna do? Take drugs through my phone?
Is there an app for that?
-Okay, right when she says "i hate this place,"
I want you to cut to her crying
while she's talking about her dad's abuse,
And then I want you to cut back to her
talking to Amy saying "I've never had a friend like you,"
and then I want you to cut to her slapping Amy,
I think that's gonna play out really nicely,
-Yeah, no problem,
- Hello?
-Hi, amera? -Yeah,
-Shelley's not working well with us,
She's getting increasingly violent,
-Yeah, and you've been doing such an amazing job with her,
-Take your bad shoes and go out!
-I'm placing a request to transfer to --
-oh -- oh, wait, wait, wait, No, you can't do that,
Our ratings have gone way up since she joined the show,
-You know, my contract says I have the right
to treat these patients as I see fit,
-Okay, No problem at all, Thank you,
-You are wasting my time,
Did you not hear me? -It's looking good,
-What is wrong with you? Out! Out!
-We really need to find somebody to replace shelley
before she goes,
-Are you insane?
-I was just showing him how to do the moves properly,
-Proper-- y-you hit the guy in the back of the head
with a wooden sword!
How are you gonna hit him in the back of the head
if he's supposed to be watching you?
-Hey, I took it upon myself
to make sure that he does his job right,
which you guys apparently screwed it up again,
-Well, apparently I don't think this went down the way
you say it did,
because you're obviously a no-talent poser
who was suggested to me by a casting director
that I'm never gonna use again,
Huh? What was her name again?
Was it your cousin? Huh?
-Well, you can't fire me unless you're gonna re-shoot everything
I just did, which is gonna end up costing you,
-I'll be just fine, Thanks, man,
But you can expect a lawsuit from this guy when he wakes up,
Now get the hell off my set,
All right, guys,
I guess we'll finish these scenes when this guy's okay,
And we'll do the pickups when we find a new actor, all right?
Now let's -- let's start setting up, guys,
-Okay, I'm gonna give you one last --
-get the hell of my set, you maniac!
-Okay, you know what?
You're making a mistake,
You're firing the next Tomas de la Cruz!
-Who?
All right, somebody call the police,
-This is bullshit!
-Hey, w-when can I get bullets for this thing?
I mean, what is the point -- -wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, There he is,
-So what do we do?
Do we -- do we call Carl now or what?
-No, no, no, no,
He's gonna be in an out and on his way,
So we'll just wait right here
and then follow him to wherever he's staying,
-Thanks,
-Oh, Here we go,
-Hello? -Yeah, we found Tomas,
He's at 2135 green street,
It's an apartment building, -Nice going, Kenny,
-Uh, we tailed him from a guy who makes fake I,D,S,
so I'm guessing he's not gonna be here for very long,
-I'll have some guys there soon,
-All right,
-Last chance, then you're digging ditches,
Change first, but whatever,
-What happens now?
-Well, he's sending some guys over,
so all we got to do is make sure Tomas doesn't leave,
-See that dude in front there?
That's that prick i was talking about,
-Oh, rich?
That little guy in the middle? -Yeah?
-He's been wanting to fight me since day one,
I don't know what his problem is,
-I almost feel bad that we're helping these guys,
-Listen, um,,,
I'm probably not gonna be seeing you again anytime soon,
-What do you mean?
God, whatever, Tomas, You know what?
You're being just like any other guy with your bullshit,
-Will you just wait a second? -No,
I will not wait a second,
And I will not wait for your explanation,
I got to admit, though,
I have never heard the "bookie's after me for $15,000" excuse,
Lame,
-I really wish you'd just listen to me for a second,
-Yeah? Can I help you guys?
-No, but he can, -Okay,
All right, all right, all right, You know what?
Just -- can we take this outside?
-Why? Is that where you keep your money?
-I don't have it right now, all right?
But I'm gonna get it, -Why don't you just
call your buddy here and have him bring it instead?
-My buddy? -We saw you guys last week
by the piers, You were giving him something,
-That's not my buddy, all right,
That's just some fan who wanted an autograph,
-Can we get your autograph, too?
-All right, this is crazy, I'm gonna call the police,
-Aw, now why you got to go do that?
-So, how long's it take three punks to kick the crap
out of one action star?
-What? Let's go,
-What do we do? What do we do?
-Call an ambulance,
-Yeah, yeah,,,
-Hey! Who you calling? Huh?
-You gonna come kick this phone away from me?
-What if I do? -See what happens,
-I'll get you later,
-Welcome back to "celebrity action rehab live!"
-Now we will meditate to the music
as our anger and tension melt away,
-Guess who I saw yesterday, -Who did you see?
-Sylvester wonton, -No way,
-Oh, what was the name of that last movie he did?
-"Garbage man," -Did anybody go see that?
-Yeah, I did, It was like being a tampon
in a heavy flow, but you needed another one,
I needed to call for backup,
-Well, Ivan's dead,
I can't kill rich and Vic now,
Not -- "let's all three of them," you know?
It doesn't feel right,
They're like the three brothers, the three amigos,
three compadres,
-And when I started bugging him, he got pissed at me 'cause
his friend died,
And I'm like, "am I supposed to care about that?"
He'd be perfect for the show,
-I'll be right back,
Are you just stupid?
Is that what the problem is?
-He put Manny in the hospital,
He just threw Ivan out of a window,
-So you thought, "kill this guy -- an eye for an eye,
Cover your tracks really well
and everything will be just fine?"
Never mind the 15 grand,
so long as you teach someone a lesson?
That's what the goal is here? -He just killed Ivan,
-Ivan was a prick and he slept with your sister,
Ask him,
-Why don't you speak English --
-hey, why don't you shut up
or I'll kill you right here? How about that?
-Look, let me just explain to Carl, okay?
-I said shut up or I will drop you in the street,
You're not explaining anything to my dad,
In fact, he doesn't want you anywhere near his curb,
Here's what you two are gonna do -- you're gonna
find Ken and his little buddy and you're gonna follow them
wherever they go,
And you better hope Ken finds sameer,
and you really better hope sameer has that money
you're so sure he has,
-What if Ken doesn't find anything?
-Did I not tell him to shut up or I'll kill him?
Do not speak in my presence any more,
Find Ken,
Then your life depends on him finding sameer,
And you, call me when it's an order,
Or a text,
Shoot me a text,
Go,
-Aren't you tired?
-I haven't pulled an all-nighter in a long time, you know?
-If you want to take off and get some rest,
it's cool with me if you don't mind walking or taking a bus,
-All right,
Hey, listen, man,
Um, I don't know what you're planning on doing now, but I --
I don't think I can help you find that other guy for Carl,
I-i didn't expect this job to be like this,
-Hello? -Kenny, my man,
Excellent work last night,
My pops sent over Doe with the payment,
I hope Tomas's fan won't be too hard to find,
-Yeah, shouldn't be a problem,
-Great,
-Okay, thank you,
-No, thank you,
-Carl put double payment in my drop box,
-You won't have to worry about rent for months,
What?
-I just -- I don't know how I feel about that,
-What happened to honorable judge Josh?
Didn't Tomas deserve this?
Doesn't sameer deserve his, too?
Because -- -yeah,
I said that people should choose their friends
better if their friends get them into trouble,
but I don't want somebody to die just to prove my point,
I don't want anybody dying for anything,
I mean, maybe to you, Stan, and Nick,
this is like normal everyday --
-this isn't normal for me, okay?
I've been doing this for a few years now,
and besides Carl's guys roughing up a few people
here and there, the worst I've ever seen
is some property damage or a few broken hearts,
Everything else was for show,
All the clients Nick and I've had,
talking about getting back at people,
nothing has ever gone this far,
-Well, that's what I'm saying, man, I just --
I don't think I could continue this case with you
if it's gonna go that far,
-Well, me neither,
I get what you're saying,
I just feel like if i don't get to sameer first,
somebody else will,
So, if you want to help,
I could use it,
But if not, hey, I understand,
-All right, wait, wait, wait,
-Hey, come see this,
-The death of Tomas de la Cruz,
In the life after death,,,
-Hey, guys, What's going on?
-Hey, I'm just showing her this guy's web blogs,
He's supposedly an action star
from the middle east or something,
And he's all depressed about his idol's murder,
It's got to be a joke,
My friend worked as a P,A,
On an indie film this guy was a star of,
and he supposedly fought on-set with his own stunt double,
-Really? -Yeah,
Do you want to see him talk about it?
It's hilarious, -Yeah,
Actually, does he have any contact information
on his channel?
-They're gonna be my road hunt,
-So, again, for the camera, if you don't mind,
-Okay, after doing a long set
of some fight choreography that I did,
So I walk off and --
and I'm going straight to grab my water bottle,
and here he comes --
David -- walks straight up with an attitude,
Walking, he looks at me
and he goes,,,
And he does these faces,
And I'm wondering, "why you want to do that, bro?
Come on, this is professional work,"
Anyhow, so I let it go
because I'm a bigger man than that,
-We have to find this guy David and bring him in here,
Hey,
-And I just kind of pushed him to congratulate him,
-Yeah, can you get me some information on the stuntman
named David palatnikov? Yeah, Thanks,
-Drinking my water, minding my own business,
and after the set is done, he walks up, right?
And -- and he's walking towards me still with an attitude,
-Are you out of your damn mind, son?
You don't get your hands dirty, Call him now!
-All right, all right!
Just really creeps me out,
He wants me to call Kyle,
Yeah, I know, Creeps me out, too,
-Hey, Sam, How's your dad?
-Hey, at least we tried, right?
We can't find sameer, maybe nobody else can,
-Yeah, maybe he left town or something,
-Yeah,
-Got to take a piss,
-Welcome back to "celebrity action rehab live!"
-Good afternoon, everyone,
I'd like to welcome sameer yousef to our group,
It'd be great if we could all begin with a brief introduction,
-Yeah, I'm Jimmy,
and this is moe moe,
-Sorry, I need the music for my rage,
-No problem, Nice to meet you,
-So, what brought you here?
-Samantha, can you just say "hello"
and tell him your name?
-Hello,
And, uh, he just said my name,
-Hello,
-Sameer, would you care to share your story with us?
-Sure, Um,,,
-He actually got on that show,
It's not gonna take long for Carl's guys to find him,
-Okay,
-Can we stop at a bullet store on the way?
-Not now,
Let me make a call real quick,
Hey, Stan, Yeah, we found the guy,
Are you still down? Okay,
Thanks, man,
-What's up? -I told him back in the diner
that we're gonna go after sameer,
-So, what, he's gonna back us up now?
-Sort of,
-Did you meditate today?
-Yeah, it's good,
No one was around, so I, uh, popped in my jet li DVDs
and just lathered up with some oil
and just really relaxed,
-Hello?
-Hi, this is David palatnikov, I got your message,
I believe you have some work for me,
-David,
Is it possible for you to meet us at the shooting location?
I'll text you the address,
-Okay, yeah, I'll head on over,
Thank you,
-Great,
-Yep? -Hey, Mike,
-Yep? -I have a David palatnikov
coming over there right now,
I need you to get a camera on him and on sameer asap,
-You got it, -Okay,
-Hey, -So, good stuff so far today?
-I got some hilarious footage of the new guy,
-Awesome, Thank you,
I'm gonna go welcome David to the house,
He should be here any minute, -I'm ready for him,
-I'll send him in when he gets here,
-Okay, sounds good,
-And make sure that Mike has a new tape,
-I just did that, -Is Dr, Derek around?
-No, he just left, He probably won't be back for a while,
-Okay, good,
I need you to keep an eye out for him,
And if he comes back any sooner,
we might need to stall him, -Okay,
I can do that,
Oh, hey, Marty,
-I mean, you guys have seen "fist of won," right?
It's Tomas de la Cruz's best movie, man,
-Yeah, keep going, man,
I'm listening,
-And I really don't know why people keep giving me
a hard time for loving the guy,
I just want to carry on his legacy,
I mean, he made amazing action movies,,,
So, I did meet the guy -- which was crazy,
Next thing I know, he's dead,
And the woman who contacted me said she wants
me to be on this show to pay tribute to him,
but I haven't had the chance to do so yet,
And I still don't know why I'm here,
But I do like that you guys do listen to me,
-Yeah, man, It's what we're here for,
-Thank you, man,
-Because he always forgets that, too,
And don't worry about calling for Marty
unless there's a real problem,
We need to let Mike get enough footage of David
and sameer's reunion,
-I got to go, David's here,
-This is gonna be great,
-Hi, I'm David,
Amera sent me here to work on a project,
-Come on in, -All right,
-We got to get in before the gate closes,
-Just park where you see the other cars
and take the path up to the house,
-Hey, uh,,,
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, This is private property,
You need to leave,
-Yeah, we need to get in there,
Um,,, Want to help me here, man?
-There's a guy in your cast
or whatever you call it -- he's in there
and he's in some big trouble with some very bad people,
We're just gonna go in and --
-everyone here is probably in trouble with bad people,
-Allow the music to soothe you,
-He pretended he didn't Tomas de la Cruz,
I wanted to test my stunt double
to see if he's capable of doing this difficult move,
You know how it is, right?
-Why are we wasting time?
Let's -- look, we're gonna go in,
You can do what ever you need to,
-No, No, I don't think so,
-Marty? Can you come down here, please?
-Let's just jump this fence,
-Hell no,
-You ruined my career and now you're here to rub it in?
- Beginner moves,
Who are you guys?
-We're friends of Tomas, -What?
-Well, the last ones to hang out with him, anyway,
He was a real asshole, wasn't he?
-Any enemy of Tomas is an enemy of mine,
-Sameer?
Everything all right?
-As rage becomes calm,,,
-Get his legs,
-Hey, sameer?
-What is that? A stick?
-Yeah, That's gonna hurt,
-You go first, -Me?
You're the one that wanted to come in,
-Gonna say something?
There's somebody in that house who could be in a lot of trouble
very soon,
We just want to help him out,
-Man, what is -- what's going on down here?
-Hey, Marty? You might want to come up here soon,
-He's busy, Mike, -Okay, whatever,
-Relax and --
- no!
Moe moe! No!
Let me go, Fight me one-on-one,
David! David! Help me out, man,
I'll handle these fools,
-I got him! Get the guns! Get the guns!
Hit him, don't shoot him! Hit him! Hit him!
-His head broke your -- broke your gun,
-What'd you use my gun for?
-I don't know, how am i supposed to know which gun --
-you're the one --
-can't I put your bullets in my gun?
-No,
-You all right, man?
Hey, man, Are you all right?
-Wait, where'd he go?
-Oh, those two guys you were fighting
just wrapped him up in a carpet and took off,
-When? -Just now,
-What the,,,
-Hey, Hey, man,
Are you okay? -Yeah,
Two guys in black, They took someone,
-Ah, let me guess who,
-Sameer? -Yeah,
How'd you know?
-Man, how'd he get by us?
Is there like a back road or something?
-Well, let's go, Come on,
-All right,
-So, where we gonna go?
I mean, there's no car to follow, so,,,
-Carl usually takes people to this factory,
so I think we should try there first,
-Hey, man, you sure you want to come with us?
All right,
-No, it's my dad,
He's giving me a bunch of crap about my jacket,
Yeah, the blue one,
No, I know, It's my favorite one,
Hey, I got to go, All right,
Bye,
Hey, there, sunshine,
Welcome back,
Why does everybody do that? You're tied up,
We're standing right in front of you,
What's all the struggling about?
If you so much as loosen anything or even try,
I'm just gonna have these guys beat the crap out of you,
Whoa,
What are those?
Which one of those goes into his eye?
Now, see, here's the thing --
your boy, Tomas,
he owed my dad a pretty penny,
But someone couldn't collect before stabbing him,
He's talking with the tape on his mouth,
You see what I mean? This could be very frustrating,
Take it off,
-Aah! Aah!
You think that hurts?
Untie me now,
Fight me like real men,
-Why are you trying --
listen, my boys
saw Tomas give you something
and then you disappeared,
So now, unfortunately,
you're stuck holding your friend's bill,
We're gonna start the collection
with whatever it is Tomas gave you,
-Tomas would have never given out his autograph
to anyone like you,
-Wow,
This guy's a lunatic,
You know, put the tape back on,
Can you put something sharp in his face?
Maybe speed this process up a little bit?
See what we have to put up with
because you can't control yourself?
Now, this fools out here all by himself,
too stupid to understand that --
Ken?
-Come on, Sam,
He had nothing to do with Tomas's debt,
He was just at the wrong place at the wrong --
-when did you start caring so much?
Ah, Nick's substitute,
You know, Kenny?
You better walk away right now and live with the fact
that I'm gonna be giving you some very negative reviews
online, pal,
Who the hell is this guy?
-So you gonna let him go?
-Private investigator turned superhero -- Ken champaco,
No, you know what? Shoot him,
All of them,
Seriously?
Neither of you guys are carrying?
'Cause you know I don't,
This guy just brought a bucket of tools, some plastic,
had enough room for a chair,
but no gun?
I see now why you guys have been doing my dad's bitch work,
Now would be an excellent time to redeem yourself,
Now hurry this up, I'll just be a minute,
Not bad,,,
For a fat guy,
You're still fat,
-Come on, Hit me,
-Ha!
-Aah!
Where's the rest of them, man?
-We got them, We got them,
Can you check on him?
Please? All right,
So what do we do now?
Carl's obviously gonna come after us,
and then him and then David,
-I think we should wait to hear from Stan,
-Yeah, where is Stan? What is he doing?
-Aargh!
-All right, so, since I know every piece of shit
that you're gonna hire to go after me and my buddies,
I think it's safe to assume that we're done here, right?
-Don't you know what kind of movie this is?
First you finish him, then we fight,
-Cheap shot, -What did you say?
-I said, "cheap shot," I wasn't ready,
I was gonna kick you ass, -Oh, would you?
-Yeah,
-Let's go!
Argh!
Aah!
Argh!
-All right,
All right, and then push me,
-Watch it,
-Lucas is gonna fall outside the window
into these boxes and mats,
- What?
-I'm just gonna kick his ass,
-Action,
And one, two, three,
-Cut!
-Good shot, good shot,
-Oh, man,
-Come on, come on, come on, -Oh, shit! Sorry,
-Now you gotta trip him,
-Oh, shit,
-Nice, man,
You all right?
-Sorry,
-Let's go, man,
-Cut,
-Ready? -Yeah, you?
-Yeah,
-Last time,
-I'm gonna get a sandwich,
-Oh, hit cut,
-Hey, Nick, remember that thing i was telling you about?
You know, like, back in '84? -Uh,,,No,
-Weren't you a baby? -There it is,
-I don't know man,
I still want to be a p,I,
You know, I got a kid now,
-So, what, you want to buy a taco truck?
Who's gonna run it? -I can cook, man,
-Okay, I can't,
-Can you ride a skateboard?