رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
♪ electronic music plays ♪
[woman 1] I love all her Instagram posts,
It's just like the real-life person
of what normal people look like and do,
[woman 2] Well, I really like the Sierra one
she did recently, I just love the fact
that she's just, you know, breaking the mold
about, you know, how women should look
-and she's just the best, -[woman 1] A good role model,
[woman 2] Yeah, she's a great role model,
[woman 3] She makes fun of the beautiful things
on Instagram and turns them into something
absolutely ridiculous,
[laughs] Like when she was crawling,
Anything with a pool as well,
where every female can relate,
You know, where you got your bikini up to here
and you just don't wanna be seen by anyone,
[woman 4] I would be her if I were 20 years younger
-and Australian, -All right!
-Let's make a special! -[cheering]
[announcer] All right, New York City!
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Please welcome to the stage
-Celeste Barber! -[cheering]
[electronic music plays]
Hiya!
Oh, hi, New York City!
[cheering]
Ah, yes!
I fucking love it here! Thank you so much!
First up, I need to know,
where are my drunk moms at?
[cheering]
Drunk moms! Ah!
I love being a drunk mom!
Yeah! And no, it's not becoming an issue,
it's a fucking choice,
Love me a drunk mom,
There's usually two types of drunk moms at my show, right?
One group's like, "I'm drunk! I haven't slept at all,
fucking hell! [laughs] I'm drunk and I'm out!
[screeching] Whoo!"
-Hello, -[laughter]
I see you, Yeah,
Then the other type of drunk moms are like,
"Where are my drunk moms at?" And they're like,,,
"Yeah,
Oh, shit,
Oh, fucking hell, Oh!
No, it's fine, I'll just have another Prosecco, please,"
I see you girls out there,
Yeah, Has anyone come out on a little date tonight?
Like, ooh! Yeah! [growls]
With a date, eh? You're gonna be in for it,
because I'm an aphrodisiac,
I asked that at one of my other shows, I was like,
"Is anyone here on a date?"
And there were two women sitting there
and one woman went, [whispering] "Yes! Yes!
Oh!" And pointed to the lady next to her,
And this lady went,,, "No, we're not,
Oh, shit, No, no, no, This,,, this isn't that,"
But because of my accent,
this woman thought I said,
"Is anyone on a diet?"
"Yes! She is! Oh!"
And this lady went, "Fuck you,
Don't rat me out when I'm on a fucking diet,"
They went home in separate Ubers,
Turns out I'm not an aphrodisiac,
Is anyone looking at me right now going,
"Oh! Who the fuck are you?"
Hello, sir,
Oh, hello, sir, [chuckles]
Hello, sir, Yeah,
Big warm welcome to all the men here this evening,
[cheering, applause]
How very charitable of you,
Welcome to all the straight men, The gays are onto me,
-But whatever,,, -[cheering]
Yass! Yass, yass, yass!
Uh-huh!
Now, it's been a big few years for me,
And I've been traveling a lot and away from my kids a lot,
Which is really hard,,, for them,
I,,,
[muttering] Yeah,
"Mommy, we never get to see you,"
"Oh, shut up!
I'm off to be a star," [chuckles]
But on one of the trips I took a few months ago,
my seven-year-old son, just before I left,
my seven-year-old son has got beautiful thick hair,
like Aussie surfer boy sun-kissed hair,
And had all of his teeth,
And then I left,
and when I returned, two weeks later,
my husband had shaved his head
and he'd lost his two front teeth,
I just said to my husband,
"Hey, doing a great job,
But is it okay if, um, when I'm away,
you don't feed our kids meth? Is that okay?
Just a suggestion,"
It's a really confronting image when you get off a plane,
and your seven-year-old's like, "Hi, Mom,
Did you get me any stuff?"
"No, darling, I didn't,
Don't pick at the sores, sweetheart, They'll blister,"
But I have been traveling a lot, been really busy,
And I think the main reason I have been so busy
is maybe because,,, I got fucking famous!
♪ hip-hop plays ♪
♪ hip-hop continues ♪
[cheering]
Oh,,, people can be shit,
It's not all completely true, everything in that package,
I actually had a massive falling out with one of my friends
and her husband, and I'm down to four friends
in real life,
Yeah, So suck a fart, friendship,
[chuckles] Suck a fart,
Suck a-- suck a fart,
You think that's funny, fucking strap yourself in, mate,
Um,,,
Now, I haven't always posted inappropriate,
unflattering, half-naked photos of myself,
I used to have a really boring Instagram account
like all of you, but,,,
Well, okay,
Come on, Show of hands,
who took a photo of their dinner tonight
and posted it online?
Hey, girls,
Thank you so much, We all really appreciate it,
It was amazing,
When I started doing Celeste Challenge Accepted photos,
the account took off really quickly,
It was kind of really full on, I remember I got something
like 10,000 followers, something crazy,
it was around this photo,
So that's Britney, bitch,
And that there is me having a go, okay?
I don't have any upper body strength,
None whatsoever, Seriously,
These bad boys,,, they are just for show,
Really,
What a fucking show they are,
[cheering, applause]
Don't do that,
Yeah, But I remember when I was at school,
there was always a group of girls who loved
to do handstands, Remember those girls?
At lunchtime they'd be like, "It's not lunchtime,
It's handstand time,
I'm getting so excited for handstand time,
I cannot wait, handstand! Huh-huh! Handstand! Handstand!
Oh, I'm so excited, handstand! Ready, Karen?"
"Sure am, Sharon!" And they'd,,,
find a wall
where every prick in the school could see them,
I'd get there, they'd be like, "Ready? Yeah!
Five, six, seven, eight!"
And they'd flip over and they'd be up there
for a fucking month,
I couldn't do it, I was usually on,,, on this side
of the school,,, probably trying to steal someone's food,
Like, "I'm so sorry, You seem to have misunderstood me, Tracy,
I don't want a bite of your muffin,
I want the whole fucking thing,"
But then I'd seem them, and I'd be like,
"Challenge accepted," And I'd run over,
Who runs like that?
Who's-- I mean, she's fun,
I would have fucking hung out with her at school,
But I'd see them, but I could never go
all the way over the way they did,
I always had to turn around and back in like a Mack truck,
Beep, beep, beep,
Yeah,,, all right, fuck,
Rest your ass up on the wall,
Oh, shit, all right,
I shouldn't have had that whole muffin, fucking hell,
Your leg's nearly up there,
You're like, every prick in the school is watching,
You nearly got one leg up,
and the bell goes and Karen and Sharon
flip back down, they skip off like,
"Yay, let's go suck some cock!"
Hey, it's true, I went to a Catholic school,
Yeah, So, um,
my Instagram account kept growing and growing,
And I remember getting something crazy,
like 100,000 followers, It was around this photo,
[laughter]
So that there is what Kate Upton looks like
getting out of a pool, Yeah?
[laughs]
That,,,
is what all of you look like,,,
getting out of a pool,
[cheering]
It's what we look like, you guys,
And I know some of you are here tonight with your friend going,
[laughs] "I mean, I don't look like that, You do, Jennifer,
But I don't," You do as well, Cindy,
We all look like that, and it doesn't matter how hard you try,
I'm still trying, I'm like, "Today's the day, [grunts]
Oh, it's not,
Oh! Shallow end, of course, Shallow end, Yeah,
[grunts] Oh, I'm heavier up here, Fuck you, gravity,
Deep, Deep, Deep, There we are,
Oh, yeah, Light as a feather, Push,"
You nearly get there, but in the end,
you just gotta throw your leg over,
My husband is usually on the other side of the pool going,
"Bitch, take the stairs,"
Um, I gotta be honest,
It was a pretty big day in my house
when I cracked a million followers,
-[cheering] -Yeah, Thanks,
Thanks,
Yeah, Like, "Oh, wow, I am better than everyone,"
It was around this photo,
[cheering]
I did that photo at my friend's house, yeah?
I showed it to her, I was like,
"Here, babe, I want to do this photo, I need some fruit,"
And she went, "Oh, Sorry, I don't--
I don't have anything that matches,"
And I was like, "Me either, So,,,
What's the hold up?"
But at the time, her seven-year-old son
was having a playdate,
So I was like, "All right, I gotta be quick,"
So I'm there, I'm out the back,
I'm all like,,, Tits McGee, Ah!
And this little boy came running around the corner,
he was like, "Um, excuse me, Is it okay, um,,,
[shudders] Oh,,,
It's okay!"
Yeah, He ran off crying,
Like, "Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I'm so sorry,
Make sure your mom follows me,
[laughs]
I know your dad does,"
[cheering]
Yeah,
Now, remember when we could start
uploading videos to Instagram?
I was like, "Try and stop me now,"
And I decided to upload this little ditty,
♪ r'n'b plays ♪
That's not me,
♪ r'n'b plays ♪
♪ Fruit salad ♪
♪ Yummy, yummy ♪
♪ Fruit salad ♪
♪ Yummy, yummy ♪
♪ Yummy, yummy, fruit salad ♪
[cheering]
Wow,
Yeah, that doesn't get any easier to watch,
It really doesn't, And I've watched it a lot,
Some of my friends were talking to their friends
who I don't know about that video and they were like,
"Celeste doesn't actually look like that in real life,"
And then I met those friends and they were like,
"Yep, she does,"
Did anyone else have a really shit time at school?
-[cheering] -Yeah, Yeah,
You're not alone, my friends, Seriously,
School was a bag of dicks for me,
And not the good kind, Yeah?
And I remember this woman coming and talking to us
in Year 11, and she was like, "Hello, class,
Um, I want you all to know that your schooling years
are the greatest years of your life,
Really, though, it's amazing,
It doesn't get any better than life at school,"
And I remember thinking,,, [chuckles]
"Fucking what?
No-- no, no, This can't be,
This cannot be-- If this is as good as it gets,
I'm gonna end it all now,
Seriously, give me two pencils and a desk,"
School was rough, See, I was bullied at school,
Um, well, I think, I think I was bullied at school,
The thing is, you guys, all right,
Full disclosure:
I've got ADD, "What? No, she doesn't," I do,
I've got full-blown ADD,
I've got the ADD, I'm pretty sure I've got ADHD,
and I know there's some fucking do-re-mi
thrown in there as well, I've got it all going on,
And I've gotta say, one of the best parts about having ADD,
aside from the drugs, is,,,
you don't have a long enough attention span
to stick around and listen to people talk shit about you,
So they get in a circle and they're like,
"Oh, Celeste, your face is gonna get so--"
"Squirrel! There's a squirrel!"
Maybe that's why I got bullied at school,
because I fucking ran around like that,
But the type of girls that bullied me,
they're the stereotype,
The really hot popular ones, You know the ones,
They've got tits that their dad bought for them,
And, like, incredible bangs that you could fucking surf under,
I was never a part of that crew, surprisingly,
I was kind of always over here, you know,
Tits that went like that on a good day,
And whenever a boy came anywhere near me,
I just instantly turned into Beavis and Butthead,
Just like,,, [laughing, snorting]
Ahh!
Uh,,, But those girls that bullied me,
they were really, really talented at flirting,
It blew my mind,
It just came to them so easily,
Just from nowhere, they'd be like,
"Oh, hi, Andrew, Um, hi,
I was wondering, um,
later on, after school,
if you're busy, if maybe you wanted to come
and help me, um, try on a bikini?"
"What the fuck?
What the fuck is that?"
See, when I tried to copy them,
I was a little more along the lines of,
"Hey, um, Jeremy, Hey,
J-- Jeremy! Hey, no, here,
Here-- hey! Hey, listen,
I was wondering,,,
if, um,,,
I was just-- Yeah, they go all the way up,
Um, I was wondering, I mean not that I fucking care,
but if after school, if you wanted to, um,
uh, if you wanted to come over and, um,
help me, um, yank out my tampon?
No?
No? Okay, I'm sorry,
I seem to have misread that, I'm sorry,
It is your loss, though, I am on a heavy flow,"
[cheering]
I don't know if you guys have noticed on social media,
but it seems that if you are rich, hot, or famous,
you are allowed to post whatever you want,
You're like, "Here's a photo of my cervix,"
Everyone's like, "Long as it's famous, Like,"
Now, if you were not rich, hot or famous,
you're not allowed to post whatever you want,
All of a sudden, "terms and conditions" kick in,
And your post can get pulled down,
-So tonight, New York City! -[cheering]
Yay! We put together a really fun game
called Allowed, Not Allowed, Yeah,
So I'll put up the photos and you guys need to yell out
if you reckon they were allowed to stay up,
or not allowed,
And if you want to, you can turn it into a drinking game,
-I'm going to, Yeah? -[cheering]
Yeah, And the rules of the game are:
just do what you want, I'm not your mom,
Okay, First one,
All right, So this is Kim Kardashian,
For those of you that don't know her,
she's a lawyer,
Do you think allowed or not allowed?
-[audience] Allowed! -Yes, Well done, Kimbo,
All the best, Next one,
Okay, So this is a lady that no one really knows,
She doesn't look like Kim, and note,
she is wearing more than Kim Kardashian was,
-Allowed or not allowed? -[buzzer sounds]
It got pulled down, Yeah,
That's why it's a drinking game, 'cause it's fucking depressing,
Drinking-- she just,, pfft!
Good, You're my kind of girl, Next one,
Alrighty,
Wow, Listen,
-I'm from Australia, okay? -[woman] Whoo!
And-- thanks, And it doesn't,,,
doesn't really snow there,
So I don't know what it is that you guys think
is appropriate to wear to the fucking snow,,,
but the general vibe I get from this piece of art
is that she wants to fuck me in the snow,
Which I am not mad about,
-Allowed, not allowed? -[audience] Allowed,
Yes, totally fine, Got another one, Ready?
Rita Ora, I really like Rita Ora,
This is actually a photo, I'm pretty sure, of Rita Ora,
um, in the studio laying down a track
for her new kids album,
"Chopsticks" are probably on there,
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding ding,,,
-Allowed, not allowed? -[audience] Allowed,
Yes, Now, throw me in, Beethoven,
[cheering, laughter]
Again, please note I am wearing more than she is,
I've got a thong on, You just-- you just can't really see it
'cause my belly hangs over it a little bit,
My lovely belly, Allowed, not allowed?
-[buzzer sounds] -No, it got pulled down,
One more, Ready?
[whispers] Rihanna, I fucking love this woman,
I have an unhealthy obsession with Rihanna,
This here is a photo of Rihanna just,,, cleaning her bits,
Just,,, fucking,,,
Just getting in up there, Just like, "Oh,,,"
♪ Work, work, work, work ♪
-Allowed, not allowed? -[audience] Allowed,
Yes! Now, throw me in, hello,
-[cheering] -Yeah,
Cleaning very similar bits, thank you very much,
♪ Shine bright like a diamond ♪
-What do you reckon? -[audience] Allowed,
No, It got pulled down, Yeah,
But don't worry, guys, I put it straight back up,
-I'm the boss of me, -[cheering, applause]
So,,, [chuckles]
it now seems to be known,
somewhat worldwide,
that I'm married to a man who is universally hotter than I am,
- ♪ rock music plays ♪ -Get ready!
Yeah! That's my husband!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah, baby! Drop me in the pool!
I fucking love it!
Oh, yeah! I can see your nipples,
Come on! I can see your nipples! Oh, yeah!
Oh,,,
Oh,,, And that there is my TED Talk on reverse sexism,
[chuckles]
[cheering]
Oh, look at him, That photo,,,
That was taken the morning of our wedding, Yeah?
[chuckles] He turned up late to our wedding,
I was like, "I don't fucking care if you look like that,
Seriously, what? I don't care at all,
I mean, don't come, for all I care, [laughs]
I mean, please come,
Like, I mean, trust me, you'll come, But,,,"
Oh, wow, That went there, Okay,
But he is excellent, that man, I tell you what,
He's the duck's nuts, He really is,
Duck's nuts?
Okay, All right, all right,
You know, like, um, bee's knees?
Yeah, Duck's nuts,
The nuts of a duck,
Yeah, And you know the other one, cat's pajamas?
Yeah, okay, And one
that I'm really trying to get off the ground, you guys,
Dolphin's earrings,
Imagine a fucking dolphin wearing earrings,
It would be amazing,
Just like,,, [titters]
[titters]
[titters] Oh, fuck, you get it,
Um,,, yeah, he's excellent,
I've gotta say, the best part about being married
to someone so fricking hot, you know,
aside from the crippling fear that he will leave me,,,
No, you guys, it's a real thing,
And it's a relatively new thing as well,
See, we've been together for like 16 years,
So when I was 21, we got together,
-and that,,, Oh, thanks, -[cheering]
You saw him, it's not hard,
But when we met 16 years ago, I was like,
"Hey, yeah, baby, Yeah, I'll do whatever you want,
Ha-ha! I might even initiate it, Hey!
And let's try it in the club restroom
and I might even try it sideways, Alrighty!"
Now, I'm like,,,
"Oh, I probably won't,
No, I haven't got a headache,
I just don't want to,
Yeah, I know, and I know when we were out
with your friends having drinks and I was like,
'Yeah, when we get home, I'm gonna do all this stuff,'
Now that we're home,
definitely won't,
No, I'm not even drunk enough just to lie here
and let you do it yourself, I'm sorry,"
But he is excellent, It's really fun now as well,
because, you know, more people know about him,
which is my own stupid fault 'cause I'm the fool
that introduced all of you to him,
So I panic when he leaves the house on his own,
I'm like, "Where are you going?"
He's like, "Just to get milk,"
Like, "Why?"
He's like, "You just asked me to go and get milk,"
And I'm like, "Oh," [laughs, snorts]
[shudders] "Oh, fuck, Um,,,
Hey, uh, put a shirt on,"
"I've got a shirt on," "Put another shirt on,
Put two fucking shirts on,
And put a really loose one on, Go and get one of mine,
Yeah,
Yeah, and then don't go alone, Take the kids, Yeah,
Take the kids, Yeah, all of 'em,
Take the two that came tearing out of me
and the two that you brought into this fucking relationship,
All of the kids!
And put on some rollerblades!
No one's gonna wanna fuck you if you're rollerblading!"
[sighs]
Click, click,
"Come on, kids, She's lost her fucking mind,"
Yeah, he's a good man,
It's fun, though, I get messages from people
congratulating me on being with someone as hot as him,
Yeah, "Girl, your husband is hot as hell!
My congratulations to you,"
I reckon she probably runs like that,
I have a fear, I have a genuine fear,
I worry that we are an uneven couple,
You know those mismatched couples where you look and go,
"How the fuck did that happen?"
I worry, is this us? Is that me with an Olsen?
Okay,
All right,
All right, well, what about this?
Is that me topless at the beach?
[laughter]
Okay, thank you, That's--
Don't look directly at it, you guys,
It'll burn your eyes right out,
I think I should point out something,
I don't hate hot people, okay? I don't,
I just-- I get annoyed that they seem to get away
with more than us Walmart Wendys get away with,
Yeah?
Hot Husband does! He gets away with shit all the time
because he looks the way he does,
We had a pretty big conversation a few months ago,
you know, about moving our entire family
to the other side of the world,
And when I was getting into the logistics of it,
um, he,,, [chuckles] he just started yawning,
Yeah, Yeah, His perfect, pillowy lips right up in my face,
And I was like, "Dude, are you yawning?"
And he said, "I just get really tired
when you start talking,"
[audience] Ooh!
"Oh,,, Aw,,,
Do you?
It's funny because there's people in America
who will spend tens of dollars to hear me talk!
Tens,"
[laughs] That guy's like, "We paid for this shit?"
Yes, mate, tens of dollars, You'll be fine, unclench,
But the thing is, if someone
who looks like a hatful of asshole said that to me,
they'd get a swift kick to the dick,
But because my husband is such an Adonis, I was like,
"Oh, shit, babe! I'm actually really sorry,
I didn't consider that,
That's-- that's my bad, Yeah,
Hey, listen, I have an idea,
Why don't you go and have a lie down, yeah?
Maybe like pop on a little face mask or something,
And I'll go and workshop new and much more exciting ways
to deliver information to you,"
"Yeah, thanks, babe, That would be great,"
I don't hate hot people, I don't,
If anything, to be completely honest,
I worry about them,
They seem to get confused a lot,
Have you ever noticed that, though?
Have you ever noticed a banging hot person
just confused in the street?
Just kind of like,,,
"Uh,,, uh?
I just came out here today to show you all of this,
Now, I don't know what to do with the rest of my day,"
And now, when it's done on Instagram,
it's a profession called being an influencer,
Which, if you ask me, is just a series
of really attractive people
constantly looking for shit they've dropped,
"Where'd it go?"
[cheering]
"Is it over there? I don't know what's going on,"
Exhibit A: bam!
Exhibit B: bam, bam!
And I'm like, "Hello, little one! Hello!
What's happened? What's going on?
Have you dropped something? Hey, what are you looking for?
P-- your talent? Fuck, we'll be here a while,"
[cheering]
In the land of being a lady,
it seems that if you look a certain way,
if you a really like,,, [whistles] tall
and a bird-- what the fuck?
Um, tall and slim, you know, all arms and legs,
like,,, think,,,
Think praying mantis, if you will, Like,,,
A praying mantis doing Fosse, it seems,
But if you look like that,
and you are an excellent, gorgeous praying mantis woman,
and you wanna post naked photos of yourself,
you, my friend, you are empowering,
That is empowering to women, Thank you,
Now, if you are not so,,,
praying mantis,
and a little more,,,
armadillo,,,
and you also wanna post naked photos of yourself,
not empowering to women,
It is, however, very brave,
You'll never guess what category I fall into!
"Just stumbled onto your page, You are hysterical!
And, oh, so brave!"
"You're such a brave woman, I love it!"
"You are 'perfekt,'"
Do you know what's brave? Staying in school,
"Thank you so much for your courage,"
Do a little photo breakdown for you,
Bella is empowering,
Barber, fucking brave,
Emily, empowering,
Me, whoa, brave!
That was Wednesday,
[laughter]
I don't wanna talk about it,
Look, it's not brave, it isn't, It isn't,
When I think of that word, "brave,"
I think soldiers are brave,
Um, firefighters are brave,
Nurses are brave,
You know what's really brave?
The first poo you do after having a baby,
[cheering]
[groaning]
"Oh,,,
Oh,,,"
[groaning]
[grunting, shuddering]
[moaning]
"Ah,,, oh, fuck!
Oh, God!"
[moaning]
"I've been though enough!
Oh,,, sh, sh, sh, sh,,,
All right,
Oh, fuck!
Oh, I don't even know where that's coming from,
Oh, it's cold, [shudders]
[moaning] No, don't come in! Please, thank you,
Thank you, nurse, Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay,
Oh, okay, yeah, Maybe you should check on my husband,
I think he had a rough night,
[grunting] Oh, my God!
Well, that's just one big hole now,
All right, [grunts]
[blows] Oh, fuck it, I'll try it tomorrow,
Seriously,"
[cheering]
Oh!
How full-on is labor? Whoa!
-[cheering] -[laughs] There's a guy
out there going, "Uh, she gonna tell a birth story?"
[laughs] Yep, So,,,
[laughs] I'm one of those people
who was lucky, very, very lucky,
that when I had both of my children,
I managed to have them in the bath
without any drugs at all, okay?
Because I'm a fucking hero, No, that just,,,
That just happens to be my experience,
I don't care how you have your kids,
Pull 'em out of your fucking ear, for all I care,
Seriously, or even if you don't have or don't wanna have kids,
also fine with me,
That just happens to be my experience, okay?
But what I find interesting is, by all accounts,
doing it that way is natural, Yeah,
Being split from asshole to breakfast
and feeling all of it,,, natural,
Yeah, "The most natural thing you will ever do, love,
It's what the woman's body was built to do,
It's why the woman is here, 'Cause that is natural,"
And I'm like, "Oh,
Is it, though?
Is it?"
'Cause I think if that is the most natural thing
I will ever do,
then everything else I do in my day
should dislocate my hips and make my ass explode,
"Hello, can I please have a soy flat white?"
[screams, makes exploding sound]
"Oh, I slipped on that," [chuckles]
"No, I will not clean it up, It is natural,
Well, get some extra fucking staff on, Starbucks,
I am not touching it,"
When my husband and I decided to have kids,,,
[laughs] Well, that never happened,
When we were shocked as shit both times to find out
I was pregnant,,,
Yeah, One thing we did decide on was to do calm birth,
And with calm birth, you get to work with midwives,
And I love midwives,
And our midwife's name was Susan,
And Susan was so excited
to be a part of the natural birthing process,
From the mama bear through the annals of the life
and the history of the world coming in through the water
of the oceans into the arms of the cub
into the mama bear lioness,
What a dream this natural progression is,
Everything the light touches,
the legs are tree trunks,
the guttural experience
of mother to child,
Crystals in orifices that no one can pronounce,
Let's go into it,
The moon is in the sky because you have a cervix,
Ah!
And I was like,
"Sorry, Susan, is it? Yeah, hi, Hi,
I'm about to vag-shit a baby out of me,
So if you could rein that the fuck in, that would be great,"
So after about eight hours of me going,
"Oh, this is a massive fucking mistake!
Everyone pack up your shit! We're going home!"
Susan going,,, [moaning]
And my husband, just in the corner, confused,
Susan came over to me, Oh, well, she put down her tambourine,
And she came over to me,
And she said, "Okay, my mama bear,
Let's bring all the earth and the power in,
Oh, mama bear, What I need you to do
is get out of that restrictive clothing,
Hop into a lovely, warm bath,
And get on all fours,"
I was like,
"Well, that's what got me into this situation, Susan,
So,,, sure, all right,
May as well fucking book-end it, Let's go,"
So I'm in the bath, I'm on all fours,
And I know it's close,
Because I got that feeling,
Ladies, you know that feeling you get when you're like,
"Oh, my God!
Oh! I'm gonna die here!
Yeah!
This is where I'm gonna die!
Or at the very least, flip the fuck inside out,
So all my insides become my outsides,
And everyone's confused,"
And Susan was onto it too, She came over--
Well, she put down her flute, She came over,
and she said, "Okay, mama bear,
Okay, my lioness,
It is time for us to meet your cub,
I want you to push into your bottom,
Push,,, into your bottom,"
Now remember,
I'm in this bath completely naked,
I turn around, and Susan is also completely fucking naked,
[mouthing words]
"Push into your bottom,
And if you feel the need to poo,
I don't want you to worry
because I have brought a poop scoop,"
Now remember, this bitch is completely naked,
And at no point during this entire exercise
do I ever remember her coming into that room
with any form of fucking tool kit,
So I've got no idea where this poop scoop has come from,
My body is facing this way,
My head turned 180 degrees to face her,
And I went, "Susan, I don't care if I shit on your face!
Put some fucking pants on!"
[cheering]
There are two things they do not tell you
when you have your children "naturally,"
The first thing is,
when your baby's head comes tearing out of you,
it feels like a Johnny Cash song,
It is a burning ring of fire,
Yeah,
Yeah, And the second thing is
the only way to describe what the rest of your child
coming out of you feels like is,,,
[sputtering, groaning]
[spits]
[cheering]
Is anyone pregnant?
Hi, babe! Oh, my God, hi, babes, hi,
Listen, these are just jokes, I am just,,,
I am just telling jokes up here,
I'm shooting a fucking special, It's just jokes,
Seriously, And to be completely honest with you,
if you eat a fully organic diet,
you'll probably have an orgasm when you have your baby,
[mouthing words]
[chuckles nervously]
Um, I get approached,,, [chuckles nervously]
I get, um,,,
Do the rest of the show this way,
Um, I get approached by a lot of companies
to collaborate with them on my account,
And I say no to most of them,
Mainly because the type of products that approach me, yeah?
And see if you can find a common thread here,
Detox tea,
Meal replacement bullshit,
And diet pills,
Uh, yeah, I hate it, It drives me crazy,
And I always respond to them with the same thing, That is,
"I don't support any products that make women feel
that we need to look a certain way
-to feel a certain way," -[cheering, applause]
Yes, ladies!
Yes!
You know that! You're smart! It's so annoying,
I hate that sort of stuff,
I do want to put at the bottom of that just a little PS,
Just a little handwritten guy, Just like,
"How much are we talking?
'Cause if you're gonna give me a million bucks,
I'm more than happy to body shame any bitch
over a size two,"
A few years ago, I went to Hollywood,
And it was very exciting, I got like managers
and agents and they set me up with, like, meetings
with big, exciting people, I gotta say,
I've been in American a lot now,
You Americans, you're a very positive bunch,
Holy shit balls, Batman, You guys are like,
"Fucking you can do anything," I'm like, "Pretty sure I can't,
But looks like I'm trying," It's amazing,
Like, I had meetings with some fancy, fancy people
and when I came out of them, my husband was like,
"How did it go?" And I was like,
"Oh, I don't really-- I don't really know what just happened,
But pretty sure I'm hosting the Oscars next year,"
You guys are so positive and supportive,
See, we are not like that in Australia,
No, sirree, Bob, No,
We're like, "Oh, you probably won't be able to do that,
No, No, no, no, try, though,
'Cause I'm gonna laugh my ass off when you fuck it up,"
Yeah, Yeah, We don't really care,
Unless, of course, you're a Hemsworth brother,
Yes, We love those boys as much as you love those boys,
All of a sudden, there's these conversations
where people are like, "Oh, my God,
It's a really funny story I never told you,
But, um, I actually know a guy who knew a guy
who fucked a guy who knows a guy who knows Chris Hemsworth,
So we're kind of dating, [laughs] Yeah,"
We used to be like that with Mel Gibson,
Not anymore,
Mm, No,
But it's awesome, people come up to me on the street,
really nice and supportive, They're like,
"You're killing it!" And I'm like, "Thank you so much,"
"Like, you know, you're just like me,"
And I'm like, "Yes! I used to be like you guys,"
No, but I'm doing some pretty fancy shit now,
Holy crap, Like, remember when Tom Ford
-flew me to Fashion Week? -[cheering]
Yeah, But what fool wouldn't?
I got to sit front row, you guys, with these people!
Look at this! [gasps] Rita Wilson,
Woody from Toy Story,
Devil Wears Prada,
Crazy Rich Asian,
Cardi B, And that's my leg!
[cheering]
This one!
Zoom in, get all the cameras on that! Yeah! This one!
It was so exciting, There were other people there too,
Look, So there's Cardi, there's Auntie Celeste, Hi,
That's Russell Westbrook,
And that there is Hailee Steinfeld,
Which, by the way, I don't know if you guys know this,
She is in no way related to Jerry Seinfeld,
Okay,
So-- okay, You guys laugh about that like you kind of know,
Yeah, I would have really appreciated
a fuckin' heads-up,
Before I launched into a 20-minute monologue at her
about how much her dad has inspired my comedic career,
But it was so fancy,
When I got there, I was like, "Just be cool,"
And I was, I was like, "Hello!" Soon as I walked in,
"Hello! Hello!" I don't know why I became Mr, Bean,
I was like, "Hello!
Hello!"
And I sat down and Russell turned to me, went, "Hi,
Who are you?" And I went, "Ditto, Who the fuck are you?"
He's like, "Oh, I'm Russell, Can I get you a drink?"
And I was like, "Yes, please, Now we're married,
Thank you, Russell,"
And then I turned to Cardi B and I was like, "Hello!
Hello!" She was there, "Hello!
Like, um, congratulations on all your success,
You are absolutely killing it,"
And she turned to me and she went,,, [beeps]
Or whatever that noise is,
Just like,,,
"Don't fucking spit on me, mate, I can't--
I gotta give this dress back, [mutters]"
I turned to Russell and I was like, "Russell!
Russell! Russell! [chuckles] Russell!
I think Cardi's having a stroke,"
He just kept looking straight forward, he was like,
"No, that's just her thing, Chill out,"
Already there, already chilling,
But after the show-- oh, which, by the way,
they do not like it if you call it a parade,
Oh, shit,
Don't-- it doesn't matter how cute they say your accent is,
don't call it a fucking parade,
So after the show, we went to the afterparty,
And it was free drinks, I was like,,, [blows raspberry]
"I live here now,"
And I was there with some of my friends,
Thomas was there and a group of friends,
And someone came up to me and went,
"Celeste, Mr, Ford would love you to come
to an exclusive VIP party,"
And I was like, "Oh, wicked, Can I bring my mates?"
And she went, "No, no, no, It's just a private invitation,"
I was like, "Oh, shit,"
And I remembered those conversations you have
when you're in school, you know, with your friends,
You're like, "Um, when I'm famous,
we're gonna do like everything together,
And if we can't, then I won't even do it,
I won't, seriously," It doesn't happen,
Doesn't happen,
I looked at my friends, I looked at her,
looked back at my mates and went, "See ya!"
Pfft! I was fucking out of there,
Deleting their number out of my phone as I went,
Like, "I'm off to hang out with Forrest Gump, Fuck off,"
Bang!
But it's really nice, the support I've been getting
from the people that I parody because, let's be honest,
that could have gone either way,
Trust me,
But the first like fancy celebrity
to like reach out to me was Rosie Huntington-Whiteley,
This little sauce pot, Look at her, Yes,
Constantly confused in the street, the poor bitch,
"Why am I wearing wings?"
This-- no, this is actually, um,
a photo of her at school drop-off, this one,
So when I was out here, she organized for us
to have a lunch together, And she's very [indistinct]
Like, "Yes, Rosie, I'll give you a shout-out,
Fucking step off,"
But, um, while we were there, her manager was there as well,
And her manager said, "When are you coming back?"
And I said, "Early next year,"
And Rosie went, "Oh, Is, uh, Hot Husband coming with you?"
[laughs, snorts]
And I just looked at her and went, "No,"
I just looked at her and went, "He's not gonna fuck you,"
I did, I actually said that to her,
Actually said those words to her, It was amazing, Yeah,
And she looked at me and went, "Oh, he might,"
"Well, he's getting really good at rollerblading, bitch!
So try and fucking catch him!"
My husband loves that story, He's like,
"Tell the Rosie story! Tell the Rosie story!
Tell the Rosie story!"
I'm like, "Dude, we're at parent-teacher interview,
Calm down,"
I get sent some pretty excellent messages on my account,
I like all the comments I get, They're all very supportive,
But my favorite messages are the,,, the private ones,
The ones that just get sent through just, you know,
slip into my DMs,
Like, "Yes, do send me that private message at 3 a,m,, yes ,
You are safe with me, Absolutely,"
But it's always fun trying to figure out
and decipher if they came from a man or a woman,
Like, come on, Please send them, You know,
It's not like I'm gonna screenshot them
and put them on a big screen and tour them around the world,
So, New York City, for the last part of the show,
we put together another fun game called He Said or She Said,
♪ upbeat music plays ♪
-[cheering] -Alrighty!
First one,
"You're absolutely one of my favorite people,
You're so unapologetic and confident
and I aspire to reach your level of self love,
You're real and I love it," He said or she said?
-[audience] She said, -Yay, ladies!
I love my ladies, Okay,
Next one, "You should do porn,
Like low-key,
I'd like to see it personally,
and I'm sure many, many people would agree,
You have a body like a Benz,
Oh, I apologize for that last message,
I just watched your live video with your kids
and husband in it,
That other message was to a single and horny Celeste,
Please disregard, Oh!"
[laughs]
-He said or she said? -[audience] He said!
-[buzzer sounds] -Yeah,
Now, my favorite part about that message,
I mean, if I just had to pick one part,
it's the beginning,
"You should do porn,
Like, low key,
Like, sh!
Like, I kind of,,, I kind of want you to do anal,
but like keep a bra on, bitch, Yeah, keep it low key,
Next one,
"Real and gorgeous and hilarious,
Thank you, Celeste, for making me and the masses
laugh out loud on a daily basis, You are good for the soul,"
-He said or she said? -[audience] She said,
Yeah! Ladies are the tits! I love my ladies!
Next one, "I would love to dump inside of you,"
Hello, sir,
-He said or she said? -He said,
-[buzzer sounds] -Yeah, Yeah,
Let me point out, though, benefit of the doubt here,
It doesn't say, "I would love to take a dump
inside of you," Yeah?
Yeah,
Romance isn't dead, girls,
Next one,
"Celeste is the best, She makes me laugh so hard
every time she shows up in my new feeds,
Love, love, love her!" He said or she said?
-[audience] She said, -Yay! All right!
We've got one more, Yeah,
Not too sure about this one, though,
Okay, I'll put it up and you guys let me know what you think,
"Please join me, Porn movie, I work, My body is good,
Ten man gathering, I do it,"
It's a bit of a puzzler, this one, isn't it?
What do you think? He said or she said?
-[buzzer sounds] -He said,
Yeah, I would love to know how that conversation went down,
Were they just ten guys all sitting around,
and one guy goes, "Five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten,
Oh, you guys, I have an idea,
Yeah, I totally have a really good idea,
I've got a really good idea,
We should all fuck each other and film it,
And we should get in just one chick, Yeah,"
And some other guy goes,
"Oh, yeah, that's a wicked idea,
Yeah, Oh,,, Oh, I know the chick,
Oh, yeah, I mean, I don't 'know' her,
But yeah, I can message her, Yeah, yeah, for sure, For sure,
Oh! She would love it!
She'd be mad for it!"
It's like, "Really?" "Absolutely,"
"Why? Why do you say that?" "No, no, I know she would,
I know she would, 'Cause she's really brave,"
Thank you so much, New York!
-[cheering] -I really appreciate it!
Thank you for the love!
Have an awesome night!
♪ instrumental hip-hop plays ♪
It was so funny, I was crying with laughter
for the,,, the childbirth, It was,,,
It was so good,
Amazing, Amazing, hilarious,
I belly laughed the entire time,
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