رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
- [Friend] Are you sure you're gonna go through with this?
- Of course, I have to,
- [Friend] You don't have to do anything,
I mean, you don't know this guy,
He could be a creep,
Or worse, a mass murderer,
- Well you know what, I want to,
And besides, my love life has nothing to do with you,
And Brian is not a mass murderer,
- [Friend] I'm just saying, just because he's a Christian
doesn't mean he's on the up and up,
I mean, I'm sure Jesus trusted Judas
and we know how that worked out, Ms, Christian Connection--
- Okay, just shut up,
- [Friend] Well, I'm just saying why would you
invite him here for your first date?
I mean, what are you thinking?
Gosh, it's like you might as well have a welcome banner
that says, "Happy date rape, Brian,"
- Enough, Amanda, okay?
I have enough problems trying to go out in public
and you should know that,
[sighing]
- [Amanda] I'm sorry, of course I do,
I'm just trying to protect you,
- I know you are, but I just,,,
I feel like,,,
I don't know,
I feel like I just need some normalcy in my life,
And I feel like Brian [sobbing],
I feel like Brian could be the beginning of it, you know?
- [Amanda] Look, I don't support the decision,
but I support you,
You hard up broad, you,
[laughing]
- You're such a bitch,
[upbeat music]
[ominous music]
- [Amanda] Okay, well just give me the safe word,
- What?
- [Amanda] You know, a safe word,
Like if he ends up being a creep or something,
you say the safe word, I come out, I freak him out,
freak him out and he goes home early,
- You will freak him out,
I,,,
[doorbell ringing] Shit,
- Safe word, - Oh my god, okay,
- Safe word, - Um, I, blueberry pie,
- [Amanda] Okay,
- Okay,
I'm all right, I'm together,
Mandy?
I just wanna say thank you,
- [Mandy] Of course,
What are sisters for?
[doorbell ringing]
- Angelina, I presume,
I'm gonna take that as a yes,
- Yes,
I'm sorry,
- That's all right, - I'm an idiot,
- No, no you're not, I'm Brian,
Nice to meet you,
- Very nice to meet you, - Nice to meet you as well,
- You too, - Thank you,
- You look really good,
- Thanks,
You look even more beautiful than your profile image,
- That's so sweet,
Would you like to come in?
- I'd love to come in, thank you,
Beautiful place you got,
- [Angelina] So, you're nervous too?
- Can you tell?
Yeah, it's not like I do this all the time,
I'm really scared to death,
You know, you could be a mass murderer for all I know,
- That's so weird that you say that,
My sister was just saying the exact same thing,
- Your sister? - Mm-hmm,
- Will she be joining us?
- No, no,
She won't be here tonight,
- Okay,
So, what's on the agenda for tonight?
Maybe a hot game of Naked Twister?
- Excuse me?
- I'm sorry, that was totally inappropriate,
I am really bad at telling jokes,
I just want to apologize for being so bad at it,
- Tonight, I wanted to scare the pants off of you,
- Oh,
You're talking about horror films, right?
I just, I don't really do well with horror films,
It's really not my thing,
Maybe you have a nice, I don't know, faith-based film
or a feel-good film we could watch, something like that?
- Really?
- [Brian] I guess I must've misread your profile
on Christian Connection, I'm sorry,
- No,
Actually, I have a confession to make,
- So, here it goes,
You're gonna tell me you're not a Christian, right?
I'm sorry, that's it, I can't do this,
- Really?
I just wanted to meet someone nice,
- You know I'm joking, right?
- You're a jerk,
- You're right, I am a jerk,
I'm really terrible with jokes too,
- You really are,
- I know, I gotta stop writing my own jokes,
I tell you what, I'll make a little deal with you,
Why don't we sit down and watch your horror films,
I'll sit through all of them, and at the end of it,
give me a little kiss,
- But I don't even know you,
- I know, but we're not talking
about like steaming up the room or windows,
I'm just talking like a little peck on the cheek,
Let's make a deal,
- Okay, it's a deal,
- All right, cool,
Let's make it official,
Pinky swear?
All right,
Let's watch those horror films,
[booming]
- Hey, hey, the good stuff, good stuff, good stuff,
- No, get the fuck out,
- Hey look man, look, look,
come on, you know I'm good for it, man,
Come on, talk to me, all right?
- I said fuck off,
- Look, man, look, I got something for real now,
Look, help me out, man,
I just need a little help, look,,,
Oh come on, man,
- Good for nothing creep, that is what you are,
If my brothers catch you here,
we will mop the shit out of you like housekeeping,
You are worse for wear,
- Look, man, look, I got this score all right, look,
You know I'm good for it,
Just give me till Monday and I'll have it here
delivered to your doorstep, I swear,
Just give me this chance, man,
- Why do you think I'd help you?
- Look, I just got this score, all right?
Look, cash in, cash out, I'm paying you in full in hand,
Look, you,,,
- Not anymore, you piece of shit,
I'm not gonna look,
Looking for everything, me,
Or I will find you and I will carve out your eyes,
- Okay,
Okay,
- [Gangster] Now fuck off,
[tense music]
[ominous music]
- Lightweight, - Here stick, stick,
- Don't waste that shit, - Fuck y'all,
- Fuck off, man, it's not my first rodeo,
- Oh, oh oh oh, look at this bitch right here,
Look at that fucking cunt,
See that shit?
Fucking cunt,
- How do you know she's a fucking cunt?
- [Burglar] How do you know what she's driving?
- Fucking bitch,
- [Burglar] Let's get high,
- [Blonde] Rick,
- In the kitchen,
You've been gone a long time,
Did you get his wine?
- Yup,
I got your wine,
- It's not my wine, it's his wine,
What time is he gonna be here?
- Pa's gonna be here at six,
- All right, great, thanks,
- Holy shit, - Whoa,
What the fuck, man?
How many people fucking live in this house?
Is she expecting company or what?
- Fuck, I don't know who the fuck that is,
- Fuck this, Dan,
Let's just go fucking hit another house,
They piss gold over in West Side,
- [Burglar] Yeah,
- Hey hey hey, We stick to this fucking plan,
We stick to this fucking house, you understand?
- [Burglar] All right,
- How do you know they have money anyway?
- Oh, they do,
- Yeah, well how do you know?
Hello--
- Hey, it's because I fucking know,
All right, that bitch is a fucking bank manager,
Fuck,
- Stop wasting gas, just what we need--
- Jesus Christ,
- Whoa whoa whoa, hey now,
Who do you think I am, Dean Martin or something?
- Really, Dad?
Two glasses are gonna kill you?
- Yeah, drink up, she went all over town for it,
- Really?
If that's the case, you can top that baby off, sweetheart,
[chuckling]
Hey wait a minute here,
You go through all this trouble
and you're not gonna have a drink with us, hon?
- Well, I can't right now, Dad,
- Goddamn, I'm gonna be a grandpa,
[laughing]
Great news and congratulations, you two,
- Cheers,
- What the fuck's going on in there?
- Probably in there jerking off,
- Sit the fuck down, Jesus Christ,
- Oh, we don't wanna miss that,
We should probably hit 'em now,
- Sit,
Sit,
- You know you love it,
[giggling]
Let's do this,
- Shut the fuck up, Mitch,
You sit the fuck back,
- [Mitch] All right, shit,
- [Dan] We go in when I say we go in,
- [Mitch] All right,
- [Dan] Fucking say it, Dolores,
- We go in when you fucking go in,
Good enough, captain?
- So, have you made maternity arrangements at the banks?
- [Bank Manager] Yeah, of course,
I mean, it's not due till August, but it's all set,
- And the plant, Rick?
- Yeah, the plant, I don't want to,,,
Let's not talk about it,
- Dammit, Rick,
- [Bank Manager] Dad, it's okay, we're gonna be okay,
- Mr, Weniger, Friday is my last day,
- Oh, that's just great,
What was it this time?
No, shit, I don't even wanna know,
- Look-- - No, you look,
Ever since you got back from war,
you've had problems with authority,
you've had problems with your temper,
You're just not the same Rick that married my little girl,
- [Rick] It's complicated, all right?
- Complicated?
Let me tell you about complicated,
In '67, my platoon was patrolling
a small village outside of Saigon,
And all of a sudden,
Charlie encroached us from our east flank,
You know, I was greener than bird shit
on my first tour duty,
I almost pissed myself,
Then, old Hopper from Dallas came out and he dragged me
into a villager hut to take cover,
I honestly didn't know what I was doing,
Well, I hear footsteps outside the hut,
So I slide on my bayonet and I wait,
All of a sudden out of nowhere, this little Vietnamese girl,
hell, she couldn't have been much older than 10,
runs in, shouting at the top of her lungs,
Now, I didn't know if she was getting in position or what,
[muffled grunting]
I didn't speak the language,
So I take out my bayonet and I plunge it in her neck
and I twisted it,
[grunting]
And that sweet little girl, she fell into my hands,
She looked up at me as though she was saying, "Why?"
For the love of God, what did I do?
- Dad, that is enough, - No,
Finish,
- Charlie passes,
We go out and attack them,
So I carry this girl out of the hut
and I place a little rag I found
in the hut over her face,
But as I get up, my commanding officer comes out
and he just punches my lights out,
So, when I come to, old Hopper picks me up on my feet,
And I asked him, "What the hell's the matter with him?
"She was tipping off Charlie,"
Old Hopper looked at me and he said, "No, Al, no,
"She was just scared and crying for her mama,"
See, we were in her home,
- [Rick] Jesus, Jesus,
- So you try rolling through airports
and having people yell baby-killer to you
knowing what I did,
You know, we did some good over there,
but damn if we didn't come home with some pain,
It was a simple mistake,
Reckon it's one I've lived with for over 30 years,
- [Rick] But you keep on living,
- [Al] That's the point, Rick,
Move forward and keep living,
- That is enough horror stories for me tonight,
You want dessert?
- [Rick] I'm gonna get a drink,
[screaming]
- [Dan] It's time,
- It's about,
[ominous tones]
- Hello, is someone in there?
Excuse me,
Hello?
Please,
My boyfriend just hit me,
I just wanna use your phone,
I got out of the car and I ran, I don't know,,,
Please,
- You expecting company, Rick?
- [Rick] Look, we can call 911 for you,
- [Dolores] I have nowhere to go,
- Rick, open the door, - He's gonna kill me,
- Rick, open the door,
Open the goddamn door for the girl,
- [Dolores] Please,
- Come on in, - Are you okay?
- And then I just got out of the car,,,
- Are you okay, are you all right?
- I'm okay, but you're not,
[screaming]
- Oh my god,
- What the--
[beeping]
- No, no, no, no, - Bitch,
- We don't want your wallet, - Take my money,
- What are you talking about? - Take my wallet,
- [Al] Fuck these punks,
They're not getting a thing,
- [Dolores] Really, got something to say there, punk?
- Fuck off, Dolores, - Aw,
- Let her go,
Let her go,
Stop it,
[drums beating]
- Zero fucks given,
Trust in me, Pops,
- Oh guys, guys, guys, let's just ease this tension
with a little song,
- [Rick] Think about what you're doing,
- Smoking rocks is always fun,
- What the fuck are you doing?
Put down the goddamn guitar,
Get to work,
- Rick, Rick, you look like a man that might have a safe,
where you keep all your trinkets,
[screaming]
- [Rick] Take my wallet,
- [Dan] Aw that's sweet,
[shushing]
- I'm trying to tell you,
- [Dan] I'll just fucking cut you,
If you don't cooperate, I'll slit her throat,
Come on, let's get him up,
Let's get going,
- On your knees,
On your knees,
- Come on, Rick, come on,
Just be nice,
Give us some help with the fog, Rick,
- [Dan] Come to the foyer,
- I'll babysit, guys,
[grunting]
- No,
[tense music]
- Get your ass to sit,
Woo hoo,
All right, butt plug, what's the combo?
[sobbing]
[shrieking]
- [Dolores] Here,
Here,
And maybe,
- [Al] Help,
Someone, please,
- [Dolores] Now there's boss,
- I wanna fuck you, come here, - No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
No, no, no, no,
- Seven,
No, I'm wrong,
11,
- She's with child, you goddamn monster,
- No, no, no, no, no,
- [Dan] No wonder she's so hot,
Yeah, I'm fucking her, yeah,
- 18,
[screaming]
- [Dan] You fucking slut,
[panting]
[tense music]
- Come on, come on, come on,
- [Rick] 74,
- [Mitch] Yes,
- You ruined it, you ruined it for me,
[gasping]
[tense music]
- [Mitch] So, who's the Marine?
[horrific tones]
[gunshot]
[gunfire]
[grunting]
- [Dolores] You dirty bastard,
[groaning]
[speaking in foreign language]
- Get up, soldier,
- Your pop is-- [gunshot]
- Is that the fucking best you can do?
Come on,
[gunfire]
[sirens wailing]
- [Rick Voiceover] But you keep on living,
- [Al Voiceover] That's the point, Rick,
Move forward and keep living,
[laughing]
- That was a trip,
- You can say that again,
Why don't you sit closer to me?
I mean, just in case you get scared,
- I'm gonna go get us some popcorn,
- Sure,
[booming]
[whooshing]
[bacon sizzling]
- Charge said to him, "Okay, come back in 10 years
"and get your car,"
"And he said, morning or afternoon?"
[laughing]
And the fella behind the counter said,
"Well, 10 years from now, what difference does it make?"
And he said, "Well, the plumber's coming in the morning,"
[laughing]
[applause]
[blow dryer whirring]
[rock music]
- Audrey, Clay, Toby, come and get it,
- Hey, you hear your mother, move it,
- Mom, Audrey keeps hogging the goddamn bathroom,
- Clay, language,
- For Christ's sake, Carol, he'll be an adult in six months,
- Hell yeah, Dad,
- Don't push it, Clay
- Mom, Dad, can I please have this?
- What the hell is this?
- A sea critter, Dad, they're really cool,
- Stupid,
- Shut up, Clay,
- [Carol] Sea what?
- No, Mom, it's a sea critter that you feed
and take care of,
- Take care of?
You've barely started wiping your own butt, champ
and you wanna take care of something?
Ha,
- Honey, right now we really can't afford
to buy an aquarium, and fish, food,
and all it takes to care for fish,
- Right,
- Really, Dad, they're only $1,25,
And he comes with everything it takes to care for him,
- It would help him learn about responsibility,
- All right,
Here's the deal,
You wash the car the next two Saturdays,
- Deal,
Oh, I need another buck for shipping,
[easygoing music]
[horn honking]
[whooshing] [ominous music]
Yes,
They're here, they're here,
- What's that, honey?
- My sea critters came in the mail,
- That's nice, honey,
[ominous tones]
- Boy, I can't wait to give you a name,
[whooshing]
[glass tapping]
Clay, you jerk,
- Clay, leave your brother alone,
- [Clay] Loser,
- Shut it, now,
- Mom, I don't understand,
I did everything right, and nothing,
- [Carol] Are you sure?
- Yes,
- Well, maybe you got a bad egg, baby,
Go get ready for school and I'll see if Dad will chip in
on another order of those things,
- Really? - Really,
- Cool,
- We can forget all about you, you bastard,
[drain rumbling]
[sighing]
- May I be excused?
- Yeah,
- Toby, hold up a second,
Let's go upstairs and talk in the tent,
Come on, little man,
- What do you want to talk about, Dad?
- Mom told me about your little fish,
- [Toby] It wasn't a fish,
It was a sea critter,
- All right, all right, my bad,
Well anyway, she mentioned that you were real down
and out about this whole subject and she thought
that I should talk to you about raising pets,
- I tried, Dad,
- Hey, you tried,
That's what matters,
Come on, look at me, man,
Besides, you got off easy,
- [Toby] What do you mean?
- Since you've been alive and a member
of this entire family, do you recall us ever owning a pet?
Ask your brother,
Ask your sister,
They'll both give you the same answer,
Do you wanna know why?
Because of Tippy,
- Who?
- Tippy was a bull terrier that I had
when I was about your age,
We went everywhere together,
Now, she then tried to go to school
with me almost every day,
- [Toby] What happened?
- What happened was, pardon my French, someone gave birth
to the nastiest, soulless, witch from hell,
Ms, Hart,
She had it out for old Tips when she was a pup,
Well one day, I came home from school
and my mom tells me that Tippy attacked the old bat,
Well, it was a false accusation, of course,
But she had friends visiting from out of town
who backed her story
and also claimed getting attacked themselves,
Hart was in good with the city,
So they put an order out to capture Tippy and put her down,
- You didn't let them, right?
- Hell no,
There was this wood area back behind my parents' house,
I took Tippy deep into those woods and tied her up,
I went back into the city and it was like she'd ran away,
I mean, hearing that old girl whimpering
and howling into the night, every night,
That's when I knew she'd never be happy again,
Have no freedom,
She even started to develop an infection
from the collar rubbing,
She tried to free herself to come back to me,
- Just cut her loose,
- Would've done it if I could,
She would've come back to me,
- What did you do?
- One day after school, I went to see Tippy one last time,
Only this time, I brought my dad's old Remington,
I let her loose to watch her run and play in the pasture,
[horrific screaming]
And then I took that Remington,
I pointed it between her eyes,
Bam, [screeching]
And that's all I have to say on the subject of pets,
Now go brush your teeth and get ready for bed,
Grandma's coming for the weekend,
- Oh,
What a delight,
[whooshing]
- So, how did everyone's day go?
- I crapped myself once today,
- Grandma, that is gross,
- He asked, - So anyways, Larry Henderson
got his butt kicked behind the gym today,
- And that's something to gloat about?
- [Grandma] He probably had it coming,
- [Carol] Mother, you're not helping,
- You call me Sandra, or Mrs, O'Connor,
- Ma, - Well, she is,
- When are you gonna start popping
out those great grand babies, huh?
- Grandma, - Donald,
- Ma, - What?
It's the natural thing to do,
- Ma, she's only 18 years old,
- I was just a year older when I had you,
Oh, and if I hadn't had that back alley abortion
a year after, why, you'd have a half-black brother
from boxer Joe Lewis,
- [Donald] Ma, you know that's not true,
[laughing]
- Grandma was a player,
- Maybe,
- I don't believe it,
- I'm through,
I'm gonna go work on my ride,
- How's that going, son?
- Do you know how much,,,
How many girls I'm gonna escort home
once I fix my fuel pump?
Do you mind if I'm excused?
- [Carol] Yes, you may,
- Grandma, you up for a game of checkers?
- [Carol] Toby, you know you have to help with dishes,
- Oh nonsense,
That is work for the woman of the house,
- Look, Sandra, we're trying to teach Toby responsibility,
- Ah, horseshit, we're playing checkers,
Oh, as soon as I watch my Henny Ben,
- Cool,
- Well, I have to go get ready for a date,
- [Donald] With whom?
- Johnny, I met him three days ago at a protest,
- Oh Jesus,
- We're just going for a ride,
I'll be back early,
[mimicking creaking] Grandma,
He is a decent guy,
Really, you should see him with his kids,
- Oh Jesus,
I need a hot shower,
And a drink,
Ma, you know you don't smoke,
- Cheer up, Grandpa,
Toby, set up the checkers in your room
and I'll be down in 30,
- Yes, ma'am,
- And you, you get your ass on them dishes,
I thought I smoked,
Do I smoke?
- Call me now,
And let's be that there is ka-mel-ah,
[soothing music]
[water bubbling]
[ominous music]
- Son of a bitch,
I swear, if I have to call the plumber again,
[screeching] [horrifying music]
- Ma,,,
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad,
- What's up, buddy?
I'm a little busy right now,
- Something got Mom,
It grabbed her from the sink,
- Sorry, buddy,
Can't quite hear you,
Wait until I get out,
- Okay,
[ominous music]
[screaming]
- Are you perfect?
Are you in pain?
- Grandpa, where you been?
Oh, the store,
Did you remember to bring me my chocolate bar with almonds?
[laughing]
Oh, you brought me one of those on our very first date,
I remember it like it was yesterday,
I opened the door, and you were standing there
in your Navy uniform,
So tall, so handsome,
Ah, just took my breath away,
Oh, and then afterwards we went dancing,
That big band sound was something,
Afterwards, you took me home,
It was so romantic,
Full moon, you held me in your arms and kissed me,
I knew you were the one for me,
Oh, Grandpa,
Where'd you go?
Why'd you leave me?
I miss you so much,
I love you,
Where are you?
Oh, you went to the store,
[laughing]
Remember to bring me that chocolate bar with almonds,
- [Toby] Grandma, Grandma,
- Who the hell are you?
- Grandma, it's me, Toby, your grandson,
- No, I heard about you creeps on 60 Minutes,
Coming to bleed me dry of my social security,
- Grandma?
[shouting]
[whooshing]
[sighing]
- Audrey, we've dry-humped for three days now,
I'm really starting to chafe,
- I'm sorry, Johnny, I'm just nervous, I guess,
Do you have protection?
- Sure, baby,
I always carry a crowbar in case we run
into a pack of undesirables,
- Jerk, you know what I mean,
What the hell is that?
- Some Spanish fly,
You know, to get you in the mood,
- I don't know,
- So, baby, just pop it in your mouth,
down it with this wine,
- Then what?
- Didn't you say your parents were sound sleepers?
- I don't know, Johnny,
- Come on, baby, just drink it down,
go up to your room, and unlock your window,
- Okay,
- There we go,
And Audrey?
Put on something sexy,
- See, Grandma?
- It's starting to come back to me now,
Who are you again?
[sighing]
[ominous music]
[groaning]
- Johnny,
[moaning]
Johnny,
- You see, Grandma?
It took her,
I bet it was that sea critter,
- Ugh,
What I see is that your mom is a real pig,
- Come on, let's check on Clay,
- Toby, what the hell did you say that thing was?
- I hope you didn't start without me,
[squelching]
You're into some kinky shit, aren't you?
[sighing]
Thank you, Spanish fly,
[ominous music]
What the?
What's under here?
Audrey, I didn't know you had a cat,
[screeching]
- It got him too,
- What did?
- The sea critter,
I know it,
Come on, let's get Dad,
- Toby, why don't we go get your dad?
I just don't know, Toby, I mean we looked in the sink
and all I say was like a bunch of mess
and then we went into the garage and then--
- Whoa, whoa, hold the phone,
and what the hell are you two babbling about?
- Dad, that sea critter that Mom flushed awhile back?
Well, it came back,
It's bigger, meaner, and eating everyone in the house,
It got Mom, it got Clay, maybe even Audrey,
- What he said,
Donnie, look in the sink,
- [Toby] Yeah, Dad, look in the sink,
[ominous tones]
- Let's go find everyone,
- They're gone, Dad,
- We'll see about that, come on,
I'm gonna get my gun,
[tense music]
[screaming]
- [Sandra] Donnie, what are you gonna do?
- Screw this,
I'm gonna call the cops,
- You should call the cops,
[tense music]
Don?
- Dad?
[screaming]
Dad,
[screaming]
- Back, I say, back,
Toby, hold this, hold on,
I've got something for that shit-head,
- Get back,
Grandma,
Get back, get back,
[screaming]
Get back,
Grandma, kill it,
[tense music]
[flame roaring]
- Burn in hell, fucker,
[door knocking]
- Is this your residence?
- You got a warrant?
- No, Grandma, they're here to help,
- We got a 911 call reported some screams coming
from this here residence,
Y'all know anything about that?
- Well, apparently there's a whole lot of shit going on
and we're here to keep the peace,
- Hey, peace this, copper,
You got nothing on us,
- Son, your grandma, well she's not doing well, I take it,
Hm?
- Mister, you have to help us,
You have to kill it,
- Well hold on, hold on now,
Kill exactly what?
- Sheriff, please,
It's in our house,
Ate my mom, dad, and brother,
Help us,
- All right, kid, so where is this intruder at?
- My grandma sprayed it with hairspray and it ran away,
I have a sister,
This is her boyfriend's car, sheriff,
- Have you seen her recently?
- [Toby] No,
[gun cocking]
- Show us her room,
[tense music]
- [Policeman] We have probable cause and we're coming
in there whether you like it or not,
[ominous music]
[gunfire] [screaming]
- Toby, in here, quick,
Oh my god, baby, baby, are you all right?
Oh my god, my-- - What are we going to do now?
- I don't know, I don't know, I don't,,,
[shouting]
- You must learn to start grabbing the fly by the balls
and squeeze, squeeze, I say,
Squeeze,
- Wait a minute,
You said that thing was a sea creature, right?
Right,
It belongs in the sea,
So, we will give him the sea,
- How does this work?
- Now, Toby, this is where
you're gonna have to be brave, okay?
What I need you to do is I need you
to go down into your sister's room--
- No, Grandma, I'm scared,
- Now, Toby, this thing was your pet,
Accept the responsibility,
- Grandma, this thing's a murderer,
- Well, get mad,
I mean, hell, he killed your father and your brother,
and I mean, who knows what it did to your sister,
- It took Mom too,
- Well, Donnie could've remarried,
- Grandma,
So, I bring this thing here,
What are you going to do?
- You just bring it here
and I will stick a lightning bolt up its puckered ass,
[mimicking zapping]
[tense music]
[screeching]
Run, Toby, run, run, hurry, hurry,
Toby, I want you to get on the tub,
balance yourself on that ledge,
- Why?
- Bait,
Get your ass up there or we're both gonna die,
Move, move, move,
All right,
[panting]
[screaming]
Eat lead, bozo,
[zapping] Oh yeah, die,
Ugly asshole,
Die, die, die,
Ah shit,
[tense music]
Stay away from my grandson, you salty son of a bitch,
[screeching]
[yelling]
[whirring]
[panting]
Oh, Toby, Toby, it's dead,
It's dead,
[laughing]
We won,
Oh yeah, oh yeah, we won, we won,
Oh yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh,
Oh man,
[sighing]
[somber music]
[tense music]
[screaming]
[screeching]
- Now now, it's almost time,
- Time for what, Grandma?
- Why, for my great grand babies, of course,
- Wow, - That was awesome,
What did you think?
- I can see myself in your eyes,
[door knocking]
- You know what, I think that's the pizza guy,
I ordered pizza earlier,
Do you think you can get it?
- I don't mind at all,
I'll be right back,
- Thanks,
[knocking]
- [Brian] Yeah, yeah, yeah,
- Pepperoni and sausage,
- At least we know she likes meat, right?
How much do we owe you?
- 21,
- Here you go,
- Holy shit, are you guys watching a fucking horror movie?
- Yeah, we guys are watching a fucking horror movie,
- Won't you guys need company?
- You're kidding, right?
Does it look like we need company?
- I get off in five minutes,
- You know what, and in five minutes,
you can march your sorry ass to your fucking house
and never see us again, how's that sound?
- Well, what about my tip?
- Oh, your tip?
Here's your fucking tip,
Use it well, all right?
- Motherfucker, - See ya, fuck you,
Pizza's here,
[booming]
- Well, yeah,
I think that I need a little time,
- What?
You put me through all this bullshit
and now you're dumping me?
- No, don't you dare put this all on me,
- What am I supposed to do, turn my head
against your all on the road womanizing?
- Okay, I understand that traveling may be an issue but--
- Don't but me,
You come home at odd hours of the night,
clean your clothes, and then erase your inbox daily,
Oh, oh, and here's the clincher,
Panties in your glove box,
- I explained that,
- [Kitty] Ah, I met your sister,
If she wore those, she'd be blue from the waist down,
- I break up with you
and now you wanna take shots at Martha?
- Don't turn this around, I'm just calling bullshit,
- Look, it's late and I'm in the middle of Bumfuck, USA
trying to get to this seminar I don't even want to go to,
And I'm fighting with you now?
Hello?
Kitty?
Fuck,
[tire exploding]
[tire screeching]
[ominous music]
Fuck,
Dammit,
[car beeping]
Fuck,
You've got to be kidding me,
[grunting]
[yelling]
Fucking rental car,
What the fuck is that?
You've got to be fucking kidding me,
[ominous tones]
[sighing]
[digital screeching]
[door knocking]
Hello,
Anybody home?
[knocking]
Hello, I need a phone,
[knocking]
It's 10 o'clock, where the hell is everybody?
Hello? [knocking]
Knock knock,
What the fuck is this?
[knocking] Hello,
There, you see?
Maybe my luck's turning around,
[knocking]
Dammit,
Hello,
[knocking]
Need a little help,
[ominous digital music]
[dogs barking]
Whoa,
Fuck that shit,
Excuse me, sir, I need a phone,
I need a little help,
- Look who has arrived,
If it ain't the goddamn guest of honor,
How you doing, friend?
Why don't you come join the lamb feed?
- No, you don't understand, I'm stranded,
I need a phone,
- No no no no, you come,
Okay?
Have a good time,
We all here to have a good time,
- Thanks for the invite to the Mayberry Mixer,
but no thanks, I really just need a phone, man,
- Will you just come in, okay?
We got a phone,
A matter of fact, we've got lots of phones,
But first, we celebrate,
- Smells like a carnival shithouse out here,
- My name is Wicker,
Like the chair,
Like the basket,
- Like a phone?
Really, I'm charmed,
- You know, sure do got a smart mouth,
But that's okay,
You know what I like about smart mouths?
- What's that?
- I like to wash 'em out,
Now let's go get ourselves a drink and calm down, sea boy,
Have a good time,
Come on, let's go,
Okay?
[slow rock music] [chattering]
- Whoa, hey, great shindig,
Now where's that phone?
- So, you like what you see?
- No, I mean,,,
Kinda,
- 'Cause they like you,
They like you,
That's what I see,
[spitting]
Filthy sluts,
- Whoa, okay, where's that phone at?
- Yeah, okay,
I get phone,
But you,
You drink up,
Sip on this,
[laughing]
[humming]
- [Traveler] What the hell?
- [Stranger] I killed my dog about eight years old,
- Excuse me?
- [Stranger] You're excused,
I said I killed my dog when I was eight,
I took a rock, hit him upside his head,
- So you had anger issues,
- [Stranger] It wasn't anger,
I loved that dang dog,
This was yearning,
- Yearning for what exactly?
- I had what Mama called the yearning,
I had it real bad,
- Old-timer, I don't know if I like
this conversation too much,
- You know, Mama used to say that the gall bladder
of a living thing was the best eating,
The most powerful eating,
- I see you've met my pa,
- Yeah, he's a real humanitarian,
- He is, ain't he?
[laughing]
Did Pa tell you that he was a medic
in the Special Forces back in Nam?
But he got discharged,
On account of too much yearning,
- That's disgusting,
- Nam was different,
It was me or them,
I see you have a bit of yearning in you,
- [Traveler] Yeah, you could say that,
- Well, so do I,
- Oh, you're insane, man,
[chuckling]
Bathroom?
[somber rock music]
[ominous music]
Fuck,
Fucking poisoned my ass,
Stay together,
Get it together,
Mitchell, get it together,
Fucking assholes,
[screaming]
Come on, focus, focus, focus,
Okay,
You can do this,
Okay,
[panting]
[chattering] [somber rock music]
[laughing]
[acoustic guitar music]
[whistling] [cheering]
[screaming]
- Shut up,
Shut up,
[heavy footfalls]
[whooping and hollering]
[electronic rock music]
[screaming]
- Remember me?
- This is not the car I requested,
I specifically requested a black Cadillac,
That's all you have?
- Yes,
- Fucking country fuck,
[spitting]
- You city fuck,
[electric guitar tones] [screaming]
- Nobody fucking move,
- Thank God, - Shut the fuck up,
You sick sons of bitches,
Dispatch, I need all units to the hall immediately,
[laughing]
I had a sneaking suspicion something weird
was going on here and I was right,
- Well then, why don't you go ahead
and put a bullet right here,
- Don't mind if I do,
Bang,
[laughing]
I thought you guys wouldn't start without me,
[laughing]
Son, you're fucked,
- God, no,
- Pow,
[laughing]
- All right, buddy boy, let's get the anthem going,
[banging]
- I said hands above our hearts,
I said hands above the goddamn heart,
♪ America
♪ God shed your girl on me
♪ And take your life
♪ With the butcher's knife
♪ And let that blood
♪ Flow
♪ Free
Cut his ass up, Hugh,
Cut his ass up,
[screaming]
- Jesus,
It was just a dream,
- But it's not,
Remember me?
Wicker?
Like the chair?
Like a basket?
Like a cockroach?
[laughing] - No,
No, no,
[screaming] [squelching]
- [Kitty] I fucking hate you,
[groaning] [rock music]
[heavy breathing] [subdued music]
[slow rock music]
- [Answering Machine] Hello, no one is available
to take your call,
Please leave a message after the tone,
[beeping]
- [Kitty] Thank God for GPS,
I'm coming for you, babe,
[heavy rock music]
[squelching] [crunching]
- What are we going to do now, Daddy?
- What we gonna do?
[chuckling]
We gonna get more lamb,
[laughing]
♪ We gonna get more lamb
[heavy rock music]
[sighing]
- Okay, I'm just gonna get some more pizza,
- Pizza?
You need more pizza?
[grunting]
We need more popcorn,
We need more movies,
We need more pizza delivery guy,
It's one thing after a-fucking-nother,
We finished the films, right?
Is that it with the movies?
Are we done?
I lived up to my end of the deal,
Remember the deal that you made?
You made a deal with me, sweetie,
You gotta live up to your end of the deal,
I sat through the movies,
We don't need more pizza,
We don't need any shit,
Bitch on the street last weekend
tried to pull the same shit on me,
Look what that got her,
So let's do this thing,
Now it's your turn to live up to the end of the deal,
Have you got that?
[grunting] [tense music]
Look what you fucking did to me,
It's gonna be fucking hard,
It also ought to be fucking fun,
[panting]
- Blueberry pie,
- Blueberry pie, what?
[screaming]
[squelching]
[growling]
- [Mandy] Take that, dickless fuck,
So sorry, I'm scared,
- Thank you, Mandy,
- That's what we're sisters for,
[screaming] [crunching]
[somber rock music]
[electric guitar rock music]
- You like this? - Fuck yeah,
Eats,
- [Actor] We have y'all's attention now?
- [Actor] I can take 'em out nice and slow,
- [Actor] Now let's come to some type of understanding,
- What the fuck happened to that other guy?
- Don't worry about it,
- He was a dick, - Don't worry about me,
You got a bigger problem,
- [Actor] Help me,