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Well, look at you,
- It's been a long time, - Too long,
Couldn't get a black one?
- Cheaper, - Free,
- Oh, God, Beat me every time, - Yeah,
So, should we talk about the weather
or do you wanna give me a hug?
- Hug, yeah, - I missed you so much,
I missed you,
I still hate shotgun,
I won't ride it at night,
If someone's driving me I just
sit in the back like they're my chauffeur,
Oh, really? How proper of you,
- So you checked, she's not home? - I checked and double checked,
- I think we're good, - Let's get this party started,
Let's do it,
I like it, It's lovely,
Are you ready?
Boom,
Oh, Jesus,
Oh, Jesus Look he's a family man,
God, He's so domestic, settling down,
There's sleeping beauty,
God, He's shirtless,
I gotta grab his sweaty ass,
Oh, shit,
- Robin? - Night, night,
Night, night,
- You chloroformed him? - It was a plan B sort of thing,
I knew he wouldn't go down without a fight,
- There's your proof, - That was a real date rapist
move right there, Keats,
It's ether from a photography store,
Besides, who knees a guy in the balls right when he wakes up?
Self-defense class,
You're a monster,
- You break into my house,,, - It was unlocked,
Shut up,
- You kneed me in the nuts, - Yeah, I did that,
- You drugged me, - Ether,
Then you throw me in the trunk
with this shit and drive around for
what, two and a half, three fucking hours?
- I hit every pot hole though, - Yes, that you did,
No, no! Not my hair!
No!
Next person that gets hitched, gets a fist to the cock
- or a punch to the,,, - Dibs on the cunt punch,
Looks like you already got one,
- Yeah, gee, - Was that from,,,?
- Good, I'm glad, - What did you do?
Yeah, it feels great,
Red river,
No way,
So I just best-manned the shit out of this,
- Come here, you asshole, - It's good to see you, buddy,
- Don't mind my morning wood, - Yeah, pants first,
- And some deodorant, - You're gonna love that,
Odd choice of wardrobe, How terrible,
Let me guess, Keats packed my clothes all by himself,
I didn't pack that in the dark, no way,
So, how did you guys pull this whole thing off?
I had,
inside man, Woman,
Oh, Melanie was in on this too?
Why'd you think she had to "go out of town"
on business last night?
Ah,
And as the cherry on top,,,
- Remember this? - Let me see that,
It's got all the distilleries in it from ten years ago,
- Holy smokes, - Yes, Red River,
- Yeah, but wait,,, - Bristol,
- Drum roll, - Arcadia,
- It's still there, - We're gonna find it this time,
Hell or high water,
At each distillery we are going to get a
Polaroid of ourselves for the scrapbook,
Ten years later, sort of thing, And to commemorate
this second crack at the blue grass bourbon trail,
we are going to start with Gordie's favorite distillery,
The one that went down the wrong tube for Robin,
which will all know was bullshit
and made her hurl all over the bar-top,
What the fuck?
- What the fuck is,,, - Cool,
So you remembered the chloroform,
but you forgot to check if the place
was still an operational God damn distillery,
- It was ether, - Welcome to Red River winery,
- have you been here before? - Kind of,
We were here when it was a distillery,
Wow, that was a few years ago,
- Yeah, ten, - Their bourbon wasn't so hot,
People said it tasted like unrefined motor oil,
so the owners decided to convert it into a winery,
carry the name over, re-brand,
It took a couple of years, but now
business is booming as you can see,
- Did you say motor oil? - We have a sublime Merlot,
I will fucking buy you another one,
It's fine, it works fine,
- Just gotta fiddle it, - You have a yard sale problem,
- C'mon, Say wine and cheese, - Oh, yeah,
Memories, I'm going to get some Merlot,
How's it going? You could fill it up a little more,
I'm sorry, man, I should've checked,
Hey, hey,
It's great, the whole thing's great,
Wine will still get you wrecked, right?
- Have at it, - Yeah,
- We'll have a good time, right? - Yeah,
- That's right, Alright, - OK,
Go get 'em,
What do you say, Gordie?
I'm actually relieved it's not a distillery anymore,
Yeah?
Yeah,
That wine stinks, I think I'm gonna go for a stroll,
It is sad to see it go, though,
All good things come to an end,
Y'all lose anything?
Nope, just browsing,
And breaking stuff too,
- Was this working before? - Let's say, yes,
You in town for the Haunted Hayride?
The haunted what?
Hayride,
- Nope, - Only three things
bring folks to Red River this time of year:
The Colonia, the Haunted Hayride and the winery down the street,
- You must be a wine guy, - Yeah, I'm not a wine guy,
I'm a,,, I was a bourbon guy,
Came in town expecting your distillery and you got a winery,
Yeah, my favorite distillery no less,
Pa would've been happy to hear that,
Carolyn?
I was wondering when you was gon' get wise,
Jesus, The last time I saw you, you were like,
- this tall, - Yeah,
- Wow, ten years? - Yeah,
Well, what are you doin' here anyways?
- Bourbon trail, bachelor party, - Who's the one gettin' hitched?
Oh,
I better hurry up and get my wedding dress then,
You don't remember?
You and your pals came in to visit
like you always did,
it was Christmas time,
and you were wearing this sweater with,,,
I think it was a big red moose?
- It was a buck, - Right, a big red buck,
Yeah, I got down on one knee and proposed to you
with a little twist tie ring,
You never did come back,
Yeah, we got home that night,,,
Well, I got drafted, Life happened,
Wow,
I remember all of this stuff,
Let's see, This was above the urinal, for sure,
Spent a lot of time in there for some reason,
- I bet you did, - Oh, no way,
- You're gonna hate me, - Why?
I think,,,
Yep, There it is,
I should Kill you, I'm about to add
this to your tab, along with the broken watch,
It wasn't me, I blame the other guy,
- Oops, - Breaking all kind of things,
Nope, it's still in one piece, Look at that,
Oh, man,
- Yeah, - Didn't know we still had that?
Probably the last one in existence,
Really? And I almost shattered it,
You almost shattered the last one
in existence, I got an idea,
Alright, I like your ideas,
- To getting hitched, - No, I can't,
The southern hospitality dictates, "you say, no,
And I say, yes," And We go back and forth
a bunch of times until you finally agree, which is what
you want to do anyway, You want to take it,
Remember when I said I was a bourbon guy?
I was,
- Hell, I'm sorry, - It's alright,
- How were you supposed to know? - That's why you never came back?
Not exactly,
I don't wanna be a part of you fallin' off the wagon,
- or get back on, or whatever, - It's not falling off,
but no, this is just like anything else,
This is like pills, or guns or diet and exercise,
it's all about who's doing it, who's using it,
I just have to do one thing and that's keep it
bottled up, Right, sign? Right,
Best-man don't know you very well, bourbon trail
- for your bachelor party? - Yeah, Well, it's something
we did a long time ago back when it was OK for me to partake,
Anyways, Keaton doesn't know any better so,,,
Y'all plannin' to do Arcadia too?
That is the plan,
- Well, good luck, - Yeah, I know,
Well, you could always burn some time while you in those parts
looking for the Bullitt County treasure,
What's that?
I know it's around there somewhere,
What? You ain't never heard the Bullitt County treasure?
Well, here, Get close,
- Alright, - Listen good,
Not gonna say this more than once,
- OK, - Back during prohibition times,
the government was hammering down all the distilleries,
and the Bullitt family of Bullitt County
had one of the biggest,
ergo the target on their back,
So the legend goes
that they took all their money out in the Bullitt County
wilderness and buried it,
Supposedly millions,
And,,,
- And what? - That's kind of a short legend,
Well, I don't have the practice to make it all flowery,
Well, is it true?
Probably not, but from time to time you do hear about
folks lookin' for it never to return,
Rumors of the Bullitt family kin protecting it out in the woods,
- Spooky shit, - So a bunch of hillbillies
protecting buried treasure in the woods,
- Hillbillies?! - I just mean,
- it's Kentucky, - Oh, it's Kentucky,
- Let me tell you something, - OK,
All those disappearances in Bullitt County
were no coincidence, all those folks were out of towners,
- with fancy shirts, - Yeah,
We Kentuckians, every
bucktooth country bumpkin one of us
We're all least smart to say we've been diggin' up
what ain't ours,
This
fucking
sucks,
Buried treasure does not fucking suck,
It fucks up our plans,
- Your plans, - Yeah, for your bachelor party,
This is what you call a win-win situation,
we have all our camping shit right now, right?
We're just gonna be camping a little bit deeper in the woods,
We have the camping shit because, remember,
paying for hotels is what suckers do,
Right,
- Now you're a wine guy I see, - Oh, well,
you weren't there, but
the wine lady was explaining to us all these floral
notes that you can taste if you let them explode in your mouth,
- It's cheaper, - Bingo,
- Fuck yeah, - Dude, they got nothing on me,
Look at those fucking pussies over there,
They don't know how to talk to a woman,
C'mon, I know exactly what to say,
Come on, you gotta give him a break,
He spelled Gatsby wrong,
It's one big red X,
You know when people look back in their lives
and regret not doing something
that could've changed their lives,
this is that crossroads right here,
I, for one, am not gonna turn into some,,,
fifty year old blob of shit
who's sitting around in a shitty house, wearing a shitty robe,
obsessing over the one day that we could've taken a little
trek off the beaten path and
I don't know, potentially found Bullitt motherfucking treasure,
Bullitt family treasure? More like,
- hillbilly butt-hole pleasures, - Riveting,
- Groom card, I'm playing it, - Goddammit, Fuck,
There it is,
Tough break, señor Chardonnay,
Now when we do find the treasure,
what's everybody gonna do with the loot?
Invest, for the future,
- Hold on, are you serious? - Nothing, 'cause it's not real,
Hold on, it was a story, Gordie,
no different than the Great Gatsby,
All stories are based on some truth, you told me that,
- I never said that, - Yes, you did,
You came to Keats and my dorm-room and you were
crying your eyes out,
- I was not crying - You were bawling,
- I think you were, - And saying like,
"I don't wanna end up in a miserable job like my mom,
and she doesn't understand me, and I got to do it because
- it makes me feel alive, - OK, I was drunk,
Probably, but then came your infamous truth speech,
- Truth with a capital T, - Don't,
Life only has meaning when it has truth with a capital T!
Then you went on about that's why you do it,
because it gives you meaning and closer to that
truth with a capital T,
You said, "all meaningful stories, no matter how
fantastical or not real they are,
hold some of those deep truths,
Baby, how's it goin' over here?
I couldn't help but notice ya,
- Oh, - Mind if I buy you a drink?
- No, I'm cool, - Let her handle it,
Anything, they got some killer screwdrivers,
Hey, buddy, She said she's good,
You know,
some chicks don't know how they are until they've
loosened up a little bit with some drinks,
Gordie,
Maybe she wasn't clear enough, so allow me to be clearer,
Fuck off!
You know, it's not what I heard her say,
I heard her say she might need a good old Kentucky fuckin',
Hey, Gordie,
I could fucking kill you,
Alright, fine, let's get some fucking treasure,
Sorry,
Asshole,
- Fucking overreacting hothead, - I'm overreacting?
You might be cool with lettin' shit like that slide,
but somebody's gotta put him in his place,
It's not your place,
If I pulled a knife every time a guy was a pig
I'd be in fucking prison,
Fucking idiot,
- He was being a piece of shit, - You're a piece of shit,
OK,
"Hey, baby, you want some killer screwdrivers?"
And I'm the jack-off,
Should we get out of the street?
We might get hit,
You fucking dick, Let's go,
You don't really think this is real, do you?
Really? Bullitt family, buried treasure?
Well, there are a ton of "no trespassing" signs
out here in the middle of nowhere, for a reason,
The reason is, they don't want trespassers,
Trespassers that might find their buried treasure,
Hey, guys!
New plan,
I'm not digging for treasure anymore,
I'm not digging my own grave,
so when I'm done, just fucking bury me, please!
- Groom card, - I'm gonna beat you to death
- with this, I swear to God, - With that?
How much did you save on that there kitty shovel, Mr, Merlot?
59 cents, bitch,
Robo,
I'm sorry,
"Sorry's gotta be backed up by actions,"
I know, I'm always apologizing,
I just hope I can,,,
prove it to you, I guess,
"You're a piece of shit,"
Can't argue with you there,
I'm just a revolving door of fuck ups,
But just know that I am sorry,
I'm really trying to get my actions to line up with that,
Great talk,
Hang it up, Keats, We're done for the day,
Day three of the botched treasure hunt debackles '77,
- You throwing in the towel yet? - Me, I quit,
Yeah, how 'bout you shut up and light me up,
- Mr, Sauvignon Blanc, - Yes, sir,
- Ah! - Yes!
- Do us the honor, - Really?
- Man of the hour, - Too kind, Alright,
Ne, ne, fu, fu!
- Indians, - That good?
Keats, was this buried in your backpack since high school?
No, I got that last week, From a guy who knew a guy,
How much did you pay for this shit?
OK, it can't be that bad, Here, let me try,
If it tastes as bad as it smells,,,
I'm not a cheap skate with everything,
some things I actually do spend some money on,
Not a lot, but,,,
That is some evil shit, Keats,
- Here, c'mon, - No, I'm sticking to this,
I'll fall on the grenade,
It's a bunch of stems and seeds, but it's something,
The dealer says that's the best part,
- Shut up, - Speaking of which,
do you guys know what time it is?
- The witching hour? - It's time for
what's in Keaton's backpack!
- Oh, God, - The game where I get to raid
the whole of Keats' backpack from high school,
One grab is all I get to find out what's left over
from when little Keats was transitioning from an awkward
boy who isn't getting any, to an awkward man who still
isn't getting any,
Although the man part is absolutely debatable,
Alright,
- Good luck! - Keep digging,
Oh!
You fucker! You set me up!
Do you wanna keep digging? I think I've got a butt-plug,
God!
On second thought, I'm keeping this,
No, I have to return it,
Well, I hope you can return used items,
I oughta shove this up your ass,
It is insecure babies like you
that got Ulysses banned,
- Oh, here we go, - World War I,
Just wraps up with men firing dick-shaped rockets
and dick-shaped bullets, And why?
- Who cares? Oh, God! - Why?
The assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand,
Death! Dicks!
Violence! The male organ stabs and penetrates!
And then World War I ends
and James fucking Joyce
unleashes this golden poem upon the world,
And he has the balls to finish it
with an orgasm, Not just any orgasm,
a female orgasm,
- Is there such a thing? - You wouldn't know,
And he gets fucking banned by the same jack-offs no doubt
- that supported the war, - This James Joyce
that you speak so highly about, is that a,,
woman or a man?
- Fuck off! - Ow!
Incoming,
How 'bout this, OK, man was here first, right?
God took Adam's sternum or femur,
and the chick, she took a bite from the apple
in the garden of Eden, so there's that,
OK, So, fine, but,,,
Who made her eat the apple?
The snake, right? What's the snake a metaphor for?
The devil, Greed,
- Temptation? - Death?
- A cock! - Everything you say is
"cocks", you know that?
It's a violent man's world, we are just livin' in it,
Yeah, well, what about Batman? He uses violence for good,
Here we go, OK, but Batman is a shit character,
What?
I can't be a part of this,
I'm sorry, The guy's parents died 20 years ago, get over it!
Let me tell you something, it depends on the book, for one,
Clearly you don't know your history, but,,,
OK, but like, your parents are dead, move the fuck on,
That's gives him his powers, his ability to never forgive,
The whole essence of him,
That is a really good way of putting it,
- It is, - Another way of putting it is
fucking move on!
- Yah! - What the fuck?
- Robo,,, - Asshole,
- Keats,,, - No, it's OK,
- I didn't,,, - I know,
- He won't remember it, - How convenient for him,
Well, he's just far out there, super stoned, you know?
You have to be to do that to you,
Look, he's had his fair share of worn and dones
and he's oogled plenty of chicks, but
he's always put you on a pedestal and
a lot of gals would give anything to be,,,
- revered like that, - Yeah, he does it again,,,
Pepper spray? That's a bit of an overreaction,
I'm only kidding,
Every time we get together I fool myself into thinking
it's gonna go back to normal,
- Yeah, but what is normal? - Not getting my tits grabbed,
OK, Fine,
You wanna grab my tits?
One of them at least? Here right for the picking, I won't look,
Hiya!
Be quiet,
He's gonna hate you,
Stop,
Who's there?
I tried fixing it,
The pocket watch, But it might be beyond repair,
You would've made a good gook,
Never hear you coming,
What's that old saying?
A broken clock is right twice a day?
- Some bachelor party, - You don't wanna be here either,
- I'm here 'cause you're here, - So is everybody else,
- And what's wrong with that? - It's just not the same,
It's not like how it used to be,
Well, yeah, that's impossible,
Everybody grew up, got jobs, etc,
Ah, Et cetera,
You know,,,
I'm not one for signs and all that but
if you ask me, the reason why this whole thing isn't going
your way is,,,
Well, I'm going to be blunt,
You're not ready to get married,
I'm not saying anything you don't really know,
That thing with Robin earlier,,,
- I don't even,,, - Believe me,,,
I don't know what that was,
I know what it's like
to be ready for marriage,
I was more than ready, Then,,,
Commitment is a pledge for the future and
you can't commit to anything if you dwell in the past,
You know, before I headed off to college and met all you guys
I spent one of those summers trying to "find myself",
Which is ridiculous because trying to find yourself
straight out of high school is like nailing Jell-O to the wall,
There I was, I saved up some money,
I'm gonna head out to Big Sur and rough it for a few months,
Yeah, I wanted to see the Pacific, I'd never seen it,
I'd never seen a state outside of Indiana for that matter,
So there I am in Big Sur and the first thing I do is
I just start trudging it up this mountain,
"I'm gonna get to the tippy-top"
so I could watch the sun set over the Pacific and,,,
Find yourself,
Man, that sounds really stupid,
But at the time, yeah, of course,
So there I am, I'm hoofing it up this mountain
and I'm not taking my eyes off the top,
I'm just going and going, Watching so I don't fall down,
But I'm not as fast as the sun setting,
so by the time I get to the top
it's pitch black, So I turn around to head back down
and boom! There she is,
The pacific, she had been at my back,,,
the entire time, If I had turned around once,
you know, I would've been able to see the sun set over her,
but,,,
You told me that before,
That's a sad fucking story, man,
I'm just saying, if I were in that Gatsby class of yours,
I would've aced that fuckin' paper,
- Is that right? - Aced it,
Didn't even take that long to read, finished it this morning,
And that last line, God, it stuck with me,
"Our boats float with the green light of tomorrow,"
Close, "So we beat on boats against the current,,,
born ceaselessly into the past,"
♪ On a misty morning Near Bristol road ♪
♪ There I chanced upon Desmond O'Toole ♪
♪ With a look of mischief, he flashed me a grin ♪
♪ And we never quite Made it to school ♪
♪ He said come share A bottle with me ♪
♪ Yesterday's gone And today's not so long ♪
♪ And God only knows what Tomorrow will bring ♪
♪ So come share a Bottle with me ♪
♪ T'was a fine spring day With my one true love ♪
♪ I went to bench Flowers and wine ♪
♪ But I ran into Desmond And he asked for a sip ♪
♪ And we somehow lost Track of the time ♪
♪ He said come share A bottle with me ♪
♪ Yesterday's gone And today's not so long ♪
♪ And God only knows What tomorrow will bring ♪
♪ So come share A bottle with me ♪
♪ Well the day finally came When I'd had enough ♪
♪ I said Des don't Come round anymore ♪
♪ Though I tell myself That it's better this way ♪
♪ I still wait for A knock on my door ♪
Now sing! ♪ Come share A bottle with me ♪
♪ Yesterday's gone and Today's not so long ♪
♪ And God only knows What tomorrow will bring ♪
- ♪ So come share,,, - Hello there,
My goodness, Bill, We just
scared the livin' daylights out of these kids,
I think you're probably right,
Figured y'all could use something a little more fillin'
than marshmallows,
Yeah,
This was my father's,
Mr, Hitchins, this is a piece of art,
Springfield 1903 bolt action 30 cal,
- World War I, right? - Mm-hmm,
He was just a lonely private at the Battle of Hamel,
I always wanted to visit France,
What are you, a history nut, a gun nut?
I guess a little bit of both,
Fiction was definitely not my thing,
Yeah, I didn't care too much about
something they just made up out of thin air,
Hence the history books,
Yeah, well, they say that history
is written by the victors,
Which is probably why I'm a gun nut,
- So where did you serve? - That obvious?
I know a fellow serviceman when I see one,
I don't know how much you can call it serving,
I was called up by uncle Sam, hopped on an airplane,
then a helicopter, I landed in the middle of Saigon,
It was January 29th, 1968,
- That is some bad luck, kid, - Yup,
- Right at the start of Tet, huh? - Mm-hmm,
That's right, so the extent of my serving was
waking up the following morning with a large shard of
mirror lodged in the back of this leg,
Blown out barracks, I was home within a week,
Didn't even pull a trigger,
Back home without seeing the worst side he has to offer,
I might have to start calling you lucky after all,
No, thank you,
Yeah, I was in that neck of the woods once,
Just toward the end of the second World War,
things were winding down,
- Helpin' out the frogs, - Right,
- Clearin' out the Japs, - The Japanese, yeah,
You know,
When you're firing at anything that moves in the jungle
in the dead of night, God only knows how many you've killed,
I had men in my platoon who wanted to know,
They saw it as a point of pride to get to a hundred
or some such thing,
They were collecting prizes from the dead,
Me,,,
I always preferred not knowin',
But there was this one,,,
This one that I hit from up close
and I saw him go down not very far in front of me,
I had to know, I had to look,
So I wandered out into the dark,,,
and I saw him lying there
in all the wet ferns and moss,
wide eyed, staring up at the moon through the trees,
His blood black in the moonlight,
I knew I got him then,
♪ Come share a butt hole,,,
Anyway, I stick to bucks nowadays,
You got any of those mounted up around here?
No,
The missus don't allow any dead animals around,
She says she can feel them watching her
from beyond the grave,
Can't argue with her there,
♪ Yesterday's gone and today's not so long ♪
♪ And God only knows What tomorrow,,, ♪
Bullitt,
Oh, shit,
Arcadia,
You're way off the beaten path there, aren't ya?
Maybe so,
But it hasn't been too bad
killin' some time out there in the woods,
So that's what you were all doin', killin' time?
A lot of people come out here looking for buried treasure,
Oh, the Bullitt treasure,
Did you find anything out there?
We're just havin' some fun
for ol' Gordo's bachelor party,
Don't lie to us, young lady, especially after we invited you
in here for something to eat,
Alright, we were looking for the treasure,
but we,,, You know,
it's just a silly, stupid thing to do,
Yeah, you're right, it was a stupid thing to do,
You know, you ain't the first ones to be
traipsing around out there in our woods,
Were our signs out there not clear enough?
Anything buried out there,
is meant to stay buried,
That was a nice bathroom,
Did you get a shower and a shave too, son?
You sure took your time,
He has a tiny bladder,
Yeah, you made that perfectly clear earlier,
Nightmare on road trips and all,
How'd you like the décor?
This young fella don't give a damn about doilies,
He don't look like no loafer to me,
- I got it, - No, please,
Let me,
Look at me, boy,
His name is Scott, Scott Keaton,
I said, look at me,
Were you plannin' to use this?
I,,,
Just "yes" or "no" would be fine,
Your sign in the bathroom,
You said your name was Hitchins,
If this were loaded,
you'd be pissin' your bridges right about now,
Well, I,,,
I found some bullets back there so,,,
Did you now?
Where?
I never keep 'em loaded,
Now if you just give us back our money,
no one gets hurt,
- We don't have your money, - You're an awful liar, kid,
I told ya, I never keep 'em loaded,
Except this one apparently,
Hey, Keats, How about you grab that gun?
You better think about what you're doin', kid,
That soldier you killed,,,
- What was his name? - I don't know,
I think you do know,
You checked,
- We all check, - I don't know,
Yes, you do, What was it?
Himora Horochi,
Ah, there it is, Now,,,
What's your name?
Hitchins,
Doesn't sound like that in the little sign in the bathroom,
Let me try that again, what's your name?
Bill Hitchins,
What,,,
is,,,
your name?
William
Henry,,,
- Bullitt, - Gordie!
Oh, my God,
No, you killed him!
Oh, God, You sick son of a bitch!
He pointed a gun right at Keats,
It wasn't loaded!
He went for the rifle, that sure as fuck was loaded,
but I got there first 'cause no one threatens my friends,
- nobody! - Threaten your friends,
- You're so fucking,,, - Alright, Robin,
You're so fucking heroic!
What are we gonna do?
Robin! Shut up!
You know exactly what we have to do right now,
Yeah, I know,
You know I'm right, She's gonna go to the cops,
and she's gonna come after us herself,
She knows our fucking full names, Robin,
Do you want to spend your whole life waitin' for some old lady
- to come after you? - Shut up! She's a scared
little lady, she didn't ask for this,
Shut up!
They came out into the woods after us,
we were minding our own fucking business,
- It's their property, - They could've asked us
to leave and we would've, but they didn't,
They lured us back to their fucking house,
Where is she?
- Oh, God! - Shh!
- Is she dead? - No,
This is absurd,
A woman's life hanging in the balance of a short straw,
- Fair is fair, right? - She's not gonna do it,
I wouldn't neither if I were her,
I'll clean up the mess, but what she does, is her choice,
turn us in, stalk us, nothing,,,
it's not our place to kill her,
She'll squeal,
- That's what I'd do, - Not everyone's you,
Wouldn't blame her if she did,
It'd be the right thing to do,
Right,
I'll do it,
Neither one of you can look me in the eye,
I think that's the least that you could do,
Would you have pulled the trigger?
It wasn't loaded,
But if it was?
It takes two things to kill somebody,
Bullets and balls,
What have we done?
It was them or us,
I'll go grab a mop or something,
Leave no trace,
Yeah, we'll leave no trace,
- I'm sorry, - Don't apologize
before you kill somebody,
About your husband,
Don't apologize for that boy out there neither,
Sending a woman in here to do a man's job,
I drew short straw,
Then do what you came in here to do,
- Do you think,,, - Quit stalling,
Listen, when I first came here,,,
I was even younger than you are now
and I didn't know the first thing about chickens,
They were just a bunch of dumb birds as far as I was concerned,
but I filled this coop up with hens,
and then I got myself one rooster,
Before you knew it he had pecked two of those hens to death
and scared the living hell out of all the rest of them,
so they quit laying their eggs,
All that took was one rooster,
and so I shot that rooster,
I didn't see any reason to do otherwise,
You don't always have to shoot the rooster,
Robin,
- Do you need any,,, - I'm gonna bury her,
I can do it if you want me to,
I made the mess, Keat, I'll clean it up,
You all done?
- Yeah, - Come with me,
Do you see him?
Nope,
Good,
Where is he?
He was gonna shoot you, Keats,
- That was fast, - Little old lady,
Let's get out of here,
You comin'?
Yeah,
This is wrong, we can't just pretend none of this happened,
It's not something we can erase,
This will always follow us,
I had no choice,
Right?
Yeah, right,
You always have a choice,
This right here, this is a bad one,
I'm gonna go clear my head,
And I saw him lying there,,,
What was his name?
,,,in all the wet ferns and moss,,,
You checked, We all check,
,,,his blood black in the moonlight,
Anything that's buried out there
is meant to stay buried,
Gordie?!
- Gordie?! - We're never gonna
find him this way, Robin,
- Gordie?! - Robin, it's a huge woods,
We're not splitting up,
You should get rid of it,
I should get rid of a lot of things,
Is that some sort of threat?
The pocket watch,
I thought you said it was, "beyond repair",
I said it, "might be beyond repair",
I'll keep noodling with it, See if anything shakes loose,
You gonna drink that?
Yes,
Yes, I am,
It's been ten years,
There was a guy at a meeting once that said he kept
a vodka shooter in his pocket to remind him of his weakness,
I mean, that's all those meetings were,
reminders of my weakness,,,
for then fucking years,
That's all I did, I just wallowed in it,
I wallowed in my weakness,
Banding together in common weakness
is what creates strength,
It's the only way to deal with all the horrors in this world,
It's why people get married, and form friendships
and reunite to relive the good old days,
He's probably scared, It's gonna get dark soon,
- One hour, - One hour, that's it,
Either way, if we find him or not,
- You got it, Promise, One hour, - Be careful,
Yeah, you too, I'll see you in an hour,
Got it all down there, Gordie?
I sure did, Thanks, Mr, Jay,
Yeah, I'll see you next time you're around,
Will do, alright, Take care,
- Look at you two ding dongs, - Gordon!
Watch that,
Hey, Santi Clause,
- I gotta deliver presents, - Yeah, here we go,
Here we go,
- Arcadia, - We're gonna find it one day,
Nope, I don't think it exists, It's like fuckin' Sasquatch,
Don't you talk about Sasquatch like that, he's very real,
I don't think so, but it did give us a very great excuse
to come right back to the Red River,
I think that the owner's gonna put you in his will,
You know what? He probably will,
But, hey,
- Yeah, - Shh,
- I hate their bourbon, - What?
- You're fucking with me, - Nope, I kinda hate it,
- It tastes like gas, - I thought it was your favorite,
No, not the bourbon, the distillery, dummy,
With their and little Carolyn,,,
it feels like home, I feel at peace here,
more so than anywhere else on the planet, really,
Yeah,
Are you glad you bought that piece of shit
at a shitty ass yard sale?
It works when it's supposed to 'cause look what just came
hot off the presses,
- Oh! - Your new bride to be!
That turned out,,, You took a good picture,
Yeah, some of them don't turn out all blurry and fucked up,
You know what I hope that happens?
- Can I be best man one day? - Yeah, why not,
I hope that thing crabs out on you right when we find Arcadia,
Like those people who's cameras don't work
- when they find Sasquatch! - Blah, blah,
Uh-oh, Robo's got Sasquatch on the brain,
Yeah, how could you not with hairy legs like that,
Don't even try it, I already
called shotgun, you big dumb dildo,
I wasn't even,,, You know, I don't give a fuck,
- Don't give a fuck! - Shh,
- Gordie, I don't give a fuck! - Shut up,
- Shut up, Ow, - Can't do it,
Hey, is this window open? I got an idea,
Yeah,
Robo, wait, Woah, wait,
I'm just full of great ideas, Red River, I'm full of 'em,
- Alright, here we go, - No,
Robo you gotta get up, C'mon,
You gotta help, Watch your head, Just sit,
That was not a good idea,
You OK?
Mmm,
OK, here we go,
Do you have my Santa hat?
C'mon, Gordo,
Stay awake,
Gordie?!
Gordie!
Goddammit,
Gordie!
In the flesh,
You look lost, Robo,
Lookin' for you,
C'mon,
Hey, before we go, let's have a little
- pow-wow on the log here, - We don't have time for this,
We have to get back to the car to get our stuff,
Robo, I got a lot to tell you, c'mon,
- Gordie, tell me at the car, - Sit on the fucking log!
OK, look at that, that wasn't so fucking hard, Good, OK,
Now we're cookin' with gas, Now, there's a lot I gotta say
I guess I won't beat around the bush,
I'll just come out and say it,
So here we go,
I didn't mean to grab your boob the other night,
It was a stupid, idiotic, mean, bullshit, Gordie thing to do,
and I know I upset you,
You know me, I would never hurt a friend,
I would never do anything to hurt you, right? You understand?
- Right, Robin? - Yeah, of course, Gordie,
"Of course, Gordie!" There it is,
'Cause as you can see, I don't have many friends,
As illustrated so well by the incredible turnout
of my bachelor party!
Wheow!
But then there's the friends I do have, they mean a lot,
There's one thing I won't do, is I won't hurt my friends,
But I hurt you the other night when we were sitting around,,,
I don't give a fuck that you grabbed my tit,
- I give a fuck! - Gordie,
- We just,,, - I am the one who gives a fuck!
- I don't give a fuck! - I fucking care!
I'm the one who only fucking cares every fucking time!
I care and you know why I care?
It's because I love you,
I always have,
As a friend,
But as,,,
as a friend,,,
a friend I treasure,
- I treasure you too, Gordie, - Mmm,
I got it,
You can grab my boob right now,
Tit for tat,
Come on, I grabbed your tit, you grabbed Keaton's,
now grab mine, a good old D,H Lawrence,
There's really something fucking wrong with you,
Woah, don't get up, Sit down,
What? It's OK if Keats does it?
It's fucking so funny when Keaton does it,
but not Gordie, I don't let Gordie do it,
What else have you two been up to?
I know,
When you think everyone's asleep,
Is that it? You go up and you live it up in Chai town?
And you come back for who? Not Gordie, never for Gordie,
You come back for your fuck buddy?
- You're seeing things, - Yeah,
A lot clearer now,
I just need you to know something,
look at me,
Robin,,,
I would never do anything to hurt you,
Never, ever,
Never, ever
do anything to hurt you,
Ten years, man,
Ten fucking years,
I thought you were better than this,
That's a sad fuckin' story,
Find your own way back,
I sure will!
Meet ya at the car, Robo!
Hey, guys,
New plan,
I'm not digging for treasure anymore,
I'm not digging my own grave,
So, when I'm done just fucking bury me, please!
- Groom card, - I'm gonna beat you
to death with this, man, I swear to God,
- I will beat you to dea,,, - With that?
How much did you save on that there kitty shovel, Mr, Merlot,
59 cents,,,
bitch
Robin, I'm sorry,
Alright, Keats, Hang it up,
Yeah,
We're done for the day,
Fucking Keaton,
Robin!
- Leave no trace, - No trace,
- Yeah, - Yeah,
Oh,
Hey there, guys,
That oughta do it,
Thought you guys were gonna leave without me,
let me fend for myself, just like you did last time,
This isn't anything like last time,
Ah, no,
I think it's almost exactly like last time,
Just like last time,
I seemed to be the only one who gives a shit,
The past has a funny way of
repeating itself
over and over again,
- What the fuck is that, Gordie? - Oh, yeah,
Except I loaded it this time,
Bullets and balls,
- You told us to leave no trace, - Gordie?
- What the fuck are you doing? - That's impossible,
- We all know that's impossible, - There's no such thing as
leave no trace,
There's always a trace,
Always a trace,
- He's been drinking Red X, - Always a trace,
Ugh,
Uh-oh,
I've seen this look before,
The "Gordie's lost it" look,
Well, haven't you?
I don't think you've seen me lose it, Robin,
At least not yet,
Hey,
- No, you don't, - Why shouldn't I?
- You're not that person, - I've already killed two,
- what's one more? - What happened to you?
Put the fucking gun down,
I had a bit of a spill back there, hurt my head
real bad, It's got me seeing double,
Just put the fuckin' gun down,
Anyways,
Shotgun,
Where are ya? There you are, little buddy,
Let's just get the fuck outta here,
Hm, hm, hm,
Open the backpack,
- What's that? - Do it,
- Just get out of here, Gordie, - Shut up,
We all just wanna go home,
Open it up, Keats,
Did you have this at the Bullitt house?
No,
I killed a man because he accused my friend
of stealin' his money,
Didn't make a difference whether we had the money or not,
they thought we did without any proof or anything,
You saw him, Gordie,
You saw him, he went for that rifle,
but you got to it first,
Remember what you said to me on the porch?
He was gonna shoot me,
You saved my life,
You saved me,
- He was gonna kill me, - I killed him,
Yeah,
Don't you get it? The legend was real,
It was real, I can't fucking believe it myself,
But what was it you said at the bar
about being at a crossroads?
You wanted to come out in the woods
and look for buried treasure, well here you go,
buried fucking treasure, This right here,
- this is truth with a capital T, - Stop,
Keaton, just stop,
This is a lie,
This is all a fucking lie, you lied to them,
- You had it the whole time, - No,
and then you lied to us,
I was going to tell you guys,
of course I was gonna tell you, 'cause it's our money,
We found it together for Gordie's bachelor party,
Together,
Huh?
Yeah, and then sick shooter blew the guy's fuckin' head off,
- then everything went to shit, - What's one more exploding head?
You know what? Robin, you've got blood on your hands too,
both of you, I didn't,,,
kill anybody,
- I didn't kill anybody, - You left me alone out there,
You left me alone with him,
Well, that's not really bein' alone out there now, is it?
You know who was alone?
Me,
Ten years ago,
you remember that?
I'm driving,
You gotta get the car to work first, chum,
Robin, you got the keys?
I don't think you know how automobiles work, dumbass,
So what do you wanna do, Gordie? You just wanna go camping?
- Come share a bottle and all? - Yeah, sounds great,
I dunno if you can tell from what I'm wearing, something
did fuckin' happen right here,
- It looks great, - Yeah, it was a good time,
You know, Gordie, you were never the same since that night,
Oh, yeah?
I mean, there were
glimpses of you,
the old you here and there, but,,,
it changed you,
Tell me more, professor,
You know, some people,,,
can dig themselves out of their holes,
Not Gordie Solomon,
You know I have a gun, right?
Huh?
You tell yourself you're such a loyal,
caring, selfless friend,
What a guy,
So you don't have to face what you really are,
And what's that?
A Pisces?
You're nothing,
You motherfuckers!
You almost hit me,
I can't believe she pepper sprayed me,
Well, you did point a gun at her while threatening to shoot her,
People listen better this way,
Or they pepper spray you,
OK,
OK, Good point, yeah,
I got all I need anyways,
Toodle-oo,
You still with me?
Not giving up on our friends,
I've ruined my life on account of my so-called friends,
They get to move on, do whatever the hell they want,
What do I get?
You do realize he just walked by a second ago, right?
He's lost,
And so are you, you selfish asshole,
Yeah,
Well,,,
That's OK, I think Karma got me,
Jesus, Keaton,
I'm not a doctor or anything, but,,,
I think it's a femoral artery thing,
OK, we gotta get you outta here,
I'm not exactly out here for the view,
It's not so bad actually,
Alright, I'm gonna go get help,
OK? It just might take me a while,
No, what are you, a big bad hunter now?
- He's not in his right mind, - Yeah, I know,
That's when you need to keep the fucking gun,
We lost him, didn't we?
I think it was just a matter of time,
Look at me, Two bullets,
No, you keep the gun,
When I get back,
we're giving all that money to charity,
- OK? - OK,
OK,
Two bullets,
Just walk away, Gordie,
- Whoa, - Get the fuck away, man,
That doesn't look very good, Keats,
Now you're gonna shoot me, is that it?
I don't want to, but you kinda leave me no choice,
- What the fuck are you doin'? - Who runs away
from a guy with a loaded gun?
Everybody,
Maybe so, but I don't feel very comfortable
with you pointing that at me,
Yeah? Well too fucking bad, man,
- Just stay where you are, - Hand it over,
Keats, we talked about this, you need bullets,
you need balls,
- Bullets, - I will fuckin' shoot you,
Bullets,,,
and,,,
balls,
Yeah,
It's kind of funny,
I leave the gun back there and it turns up,
Well,,,
I am sorry about all this,
Are you?
- Mm-hmm, - Yeah,
You're always sorry, aren't ya?
Yeah,
You took a drunk,,,
on the fuckin' bourbon trail,
What were you thinking?
What were you fuckin' thinking, Keats?
I don't know,
I just,,, I don't know,
I don't know, I just thought maybe,,,
things could go back to the way they used to be,
Well, things
used to be a fucking travesty, Scott,
A fuckin' travesty,
And you know what? For me
there's no such thing as the good old days anymore,
Just don't
let me die out here like this, OK?
Well,,,
We don't get much choice in that, do we?
Taking this,
Gordie,
Listen to me, Gordie, Deep down you're a good person,
but you're burying that person deeper and deeper,
- "To thine own self be true,,," - I am not a good person!
Not deep down or otherwise,
You know what?
- I'm OK with that, - That's not true,
You above all people have the balls to tell me what's true?
You know what you are?
You're a figment,
You don't know me, Gordie!
You never knew anything about me!
Not my name and
this ridiculous accent,
You convinced yourself you knew all about me
in order to make it easier on yourself,
Or perhaps to make it harder,
You don't know me any better than
the way in which you know yourself,
So who are you, Gordon Solomon?
I'm Gordie Solomon,,,
and I'm an alcoholic,
Hm, hm,
Wasn't able to fix this,
Wait,
You need your friends,
I need you,
You need your friends, Gordie!
I need you!
Hey, buddy, You OK?
Can you hear me? You alright? OK,
I'm gonna get you some help, OK?
Can you tell me what your name is?
Hang on, OK?
Wayne, hang on for me, OK?
I am so sorry, I was just trying to get my friends home,
No, Wayne, Look at me, Hold on,
Gordie?
Wayne?
Wayne!
Should we get out of the street?
We might get hit,
You need your friends, Gordie!
Gordie!
We'll find it this time, guys,
You saw him, Gordie,
- Hell or high water, - I never keep 'em loaded,
- You went for that rifle,,, - Where did you serve?
You got to it first,
We're just havin' some fun for old Gordo's bachelor party,
- Sad, - Always sorry,
Keep it bottled up,
Some bachelor party,
Gordie Solomon,
Robin!
Gotcha,
Oh, God, What did you do to him?
Oh, yeah, this,
He's probably dead by now,
Let's get a look at you,
Wow,
I'm not even gonna ask how,,, And there's so many,
You are gonna have some mighty bad scars,
Yeah,
Yeah, you are never gonna be the same
again,
Please just leave me alone,
- What's that? - Leave me alone!
Do you even know what his name was?
- What? - Wayne!
His name was Wayne, If I hadn't buried him
the last ten years would've been a little bit different,
Mm-hmm,
You and Keats get to go on your merry little way,
live your lovely little lives,
You know what I got?
Guilt,
But not anymore,
This is where I say "I'm sorry", but I think we both know that
I don't mean it,
Son of a,,,
If this works,
we'll never see each other again,
- Are you done? - Yeah,
You don't always have to shoot the rooster,
I'll just have to see about that,
You don't always have to shoot the rooster,
They're lucky to have you in those meetings, you know?
Old Gordie, you're the best listener I know,
What's that?
Yeah, all I'm doin' right now is listening,
Haven't had the nerve yet to start talkin' myself,
Well, don't keep it all bottled up,
Did you guys order without me?
Look who it is,
- We figured we'd wait for ya, - To pay!
To pay? Oh, gosh, Let's see what's on the menu then,
Tap water and peanuts,
- For everybody! - What a guy!
Look at me, I'm so generous,
- I'm hungry, - What do you want there?
- I don't know, - I don't know if you knew this,
but they actually increase the prices,
- They jack 'em up on holidays, - No, they don't,
- Especially New Year, - You always say that,
- And they give you less, - They might be doin' the draft,
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah,
Well, I'm glad I'm a woman,
Yeah, I hope they diagnose me with flat feet or somethin',
What do you say, guys? Onion rings before midnight?
No!
- Cheese sticks? - Yes!
- Cheese sticks! - Get two orders,
Before or after midnight?
It's two minutes to midnight,
- You gotta be shittin' me, - No,
My watch says ten-forty,,,
- Fucking yard sales, motherfu,,, - Yard sales,
Hey, you know a broken watch is right twice a day?
Yeah, it is and it's wrong every other time,
You guys ever think about what we did?
Hey, let's ring in 1968 and we'll talk about that,
- Later, OK? - Yeah,
- Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry, - No, it's,,,
- Save me some cheese sticks, OK? - Yeah, sure thing,
God, Another year, Flies by,
Yeah, it's hard to believe,
1968,
Well,,,
1968, Hey,,,
I'm gonna go, You know the whole small bladder thing,
Another year down, another year to go,
- Here we go, - One day at a time,
Ten, nine,
eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three,
Why are Irish songs always so sad?
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