Peter, Hi,
Hi, Did I wake you?
No no, I'm awake,
I can't remember you said to meet now,
- Coastguard Station,
Is it near the sea?
- Yeah, the Coastguard Station is near the sea, yeah!
I think I know the place, There's a kind of Prom, and some iron-man, an ice-cream man,
I'm sure I'll find it, um ,,,
Do you know if the Ice-cream man does coffee? - You're there already, aren't you?
Nooo ,,, !
- I can hear the Seagulls, Be there soon as I can,
Sigh ,,, Thanks for that ,,,
Is that what you're wearing?
What's wrong with it?
Nothing ,,, It's very smart,
It's just ,,,
What?
What ,,, I don't do I?
I don't know what appropriate ,,,
Appropriate?
Very ,,, You know ,,, quadrupedian
I was admiring the ice-cream-van too, what do you think?
The cream looks ,,, really creamy
My friends and I were admiring your paintwork
Great detail,
My son paints these,
Maybe this is one of his?
He does the jingles too,
You do a cappuccino?
Thanks!
Been here long? I was admiring the ice-cream-van
that's not one of mine
I don't do smiley ice-creams
I appreciate that,
Do you wanna go in mine or yours?
Yours then ,,,
I'll drive then ,,,
What do you think of this
Is it the new jingle?
I'm the wrong age bracket really,
No it's not a jingle
What with the overnight bag?
I thought we might need the make a night of it,
No no, I got to get back
Sue's got stuff to do,
Everything alright at home is it?
Fine thanks,
Just a funny way of putting things, that all,
What?
I got to be back because Sue's got stuff to do ,,, Haven't you got stuff to do?
Isn't this ,,, stuff?
Work, She's got work,
Right, what are you doing, it's like being in the car with Jack,
It's a word game an app ,,, lication
What was that about Jack, are you not relating to him properly?
Am I what?
You got in China and played a computer game for three days and nights
without a brake, Dropped dead of exhaustion, and you wanna watch your Jack,
What are you doing on your phone at a time like this? We should be talking,
Since when do games stop people talking? Talk is what we did when we played Scrabble,
We didn't play Scrabble,
What? We were always playing Scrabble, - It wasn't Scrabble, it was Scrabble-like,
It was called Scribble or Scrubble
It was a cheap rip-off of Scrabble ,,,
The letters came on a cardboard sheet, We had to press them out,
Oh yeah, and you were always insisting on having the dictionary on the table,
Well at least we played each-other and not the bloody phone,
That's the amazing thing, I'm not playing the phone, There's this guy called skinnythosaurus,
And he's absolutely brilliant
Fine ,,, talk to your digital mate,
What ,,, ?
I sure I'm going deaf, I don't hear half of what you're saying,
Alright ,,,
Yeah, I'm fine, We gotta come back in the morning
It's not even ten to yet,
The official who does it is on a job share type of thing austerity,
They finished early child-minding, we'll have to make a night of it,
No no, we'll go home and come back in the morning
But it's already getting dark, A-roads in the dark!
On coming full beams, nightmarish! We'll get some sleep,
We'll have to find somewhere to stay, - O that's OK, I already booked somewhere,
I never thought this was a realistic itinerary, I booked somewhere the day we heard,
All about you
There we go again, I didn't hear that either, It's almost as if you want to say things, but don't want me to hear them
It's like a kind of passive aggressive thing,
I said, I didn't bring a toothbrush,
Oh, well I noticed you didn't have a bag, so I got you one when stopped for petrol, Which do you want?
Cyberman ,,, or ,,,
Dalek?
Obviously the circumstances could be better,
But on the other hand, how often do we get to sit around enjoying each-others company?
Let's us two make the best of it, eh,
This is cozy ,,,
Can't beat a proper fire, can you?
Excuse me ,,, We couldn't have the music down a bit could we, or off?
I always say, the only good thing about Jazz is that it scores highly on Scrabble,
In fact you can't play the word Jazz in Scrabble!
There's only one Z in the set,
Oh, is that right?
That's very interesting that ,,,
There's only one Z,
I haven't played Scrabble for years, I don't suppose anybody does these days, do they?
It's all Grand Theft Auto now isn't it?
Arthur likes Scrabble, Don't you, Arthur?
Peter, You'd love a game of Scrabble wouldn't you?
There's a set over there, look, Under the Cluedo,
You need to count all the tiles ,,,
You don't want to get half way through a game and find you got tiles missing,
Off we go to bed,
Oh eh, it's only half past eight, Come on,
Have a game of Scrabble, you used to love Scrabble,
- I used to like Thundercaps,
I moved on,
What are gonna do?
Say my prayers,
It's a big day tomorrow,
E x t e r m i n a t e
You don't fancy making this a bit more interesting do you?
How do you mean?
A bet!
Flutter, a wager
Or maybe not, You obviously got a massive ,,, What it, a lot a words,
Vocabulary, Lexicon, Word-horde,
That's very good, What do you think?
Eh eh, three cent ,,,
Five?
You're a confident man, Arthur
I haven't got five hundred to spare unfortunately,
I've got two hundred, Is that OK?
Or two twenty in fact, But call it two hundred, never bet your last pound,
Two hundred,
Sure, why not,
Ladies first,
All, and I can Bingo!
That's when you can play all seven of the letters in one go,
You gonna get an extra 50 points for that, - O that's good isn't it? Bingo eh?
You learn something new every day,
Xi, That's a word is it? Is that a word?
It's a letter in the Greek Alphabet, Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Delta, Epsilon ,,,
So, it's not a word it's a letter?
No, it's a word, It's ,,, it's a word for a letter in the Greek Alphabet,
Mu ,,, What?
Muzjiks, Is that not a word? I know I have heard is somewhere before, but if you haven't,
Dictionary!
Arthur, it looks like a word, Play on!
I could change it to Muzak,
Muzjik, an indentured Russian peasant,
I knew I heard it before,
Where? - Where what?
Where did you hear that? It a very unusual word,
Not exactly in everyday use, is it?
Come on down to Muzjik-'R-us for all your indentured peasant needs,
Arthur, it's a word,
What's it score?
A hundred-and-seventeen
That's really good,
Murmansk, by the way,
I think I heard it in Murmansk, When I was in the merchant navy we were in and out of Murmansk,
It's what they call a storyteller in West-Africa when I was on the go ,,, - Just play the word,
Esrom
I think it's a font,
Actually it's a Cheese ,,, made by Trappist monks, The stinkiest cheese in the world,
Oh, looks like I Bingo-ed too!
It's an Italian card game, You have two teams ,,, Yeah, I know what scopone is!
I was going to play Quartz,
You beat him to the Q Is that right, Arthur?
What's Qi when it's at home?
It's em, life energy in Chinese philosophy,
My Aroma therapist was talking about Qi,
I have Aroma therapy for stress,
You'd know about it if you ever listened to a word I said, Well, I didn't know about it, did I?
He doesn't know anything about me, - I know you do Aroma therapy,
You don't do Aroma Therapy, you have it, - Like Chicken-pocks?
I have stress, You can probably see where I get it from
Ti, A drink with jam and bread,
That's not how you spell it, - No!
Tea?
Ti!! Do re mi fa so la ,,,
He's right, - I know I'm right,
It's a firearm with a ,,,
You know this don't you?
What did you do that for?
What?
What do you get for that? Six, Six points!
Why did you do that?
I was gonna use that 'MEN' I was going to turn it in anadyomene
Sixty-seven points!!! - Where are you going?
What's wrong?
It's only a game,
I'm going to take a leak,
Sorry ,,,
Go on then ,,,
I sorry about this,
He's on edge, - I can see that,
He's not always like this,
He used to be a singer, can you believe?
A singer? - Sessions, You know,
Remember back in the day, when they used to do those top twenty hits but not by the original artists?
Pickwick?
Pickwick, Top of the Pops,
No!
He was the Pickwick singer,
He has been them all, Ken Dodd, Freddy Mercury
Never sings anymore ,,, - O that's a shame,
We lost our son ,,,
He went missing ,,,
We haven't seen him since ,,,
He was nineteen ,,,
That's why we are here, the police has found a body
It might be the body of our son ,,,
Oh that's terrible, I sorry about that,
You think it's ,,,
It's the not knowing that is the hardest,
But tomorrow maybe we will know, and maybe we wish we we back not knowing, eh,
Hope is a great friend, - Yeah ,,,
He was bonny Tyler once,
Bonny Tyler?
Yeah
Sang the Pickwick version of 'It's A Heartache' you never have known it wasn't her,
We thought it would all be
over with today
but when we got here
The official who runs the morgue, can you believe this?
Is on a job share
Had to leave early ,,, Child care,
So ,,, anadyomene
I going to take AMEN of the board,
Alan doesn't mind, do you Alan?
No no, not at all, Part of the fun is the magic of lovely words,
Dad?
Are you alright? - Yeah,
You know me, I can't sleep without a walk,
I used to go out looking for him,
Just walking the street you know ,,,
It's just a habit now, A ritual,
I know ,,,
Bonny Tyler,
What?
It's a Heartache, nothing but a Heartache ,,,
What is?
Arthur, downstairs, Bonny Tyler, Pickwick,
Top of the Pops compilation album, - Nah
It's a fools game ,,, - Nothing but a fools game
It was for him anyway, two hundred I took off him,
You did what?
I beat him
You hustled him, You hustled Bonny Tyler,
I did not hustle him, I smashed him,
Did you use your extra Z on him? - What?
You can't play Jazz in Scrabble, because there's only one Z in the set,
And?
Did you play Jazz that night?
You play it of zygote?
Top right-hand corner, triple word score, Scored of the board,
They're are going up there themselves tomorrow
Up where?
The morgue,
They got a son went missing gonna take a look at the body,
Is that the same body we're gonna look at, the one that might be our Michael?
That's right,
Their son goes missing, they are going to look at the body and you hustled them out of two hundred quid?
Who are you?
When you put it like that ,,,
It started off as a game, Then when I found out I seem to ,,,
I got the feeling that ,,,
If I let them beat me it would be our Michael, and if I won it would be their lad,
I know it's mad ,,,
What are you doing here? This is where we ,,,
Were you waiting for us?
No ,,, We're here for the same,
My Lad went missing too,
You didn't say ,,,
I didn't like ,,,
You were telling me about yours
It was good of you to listen,
If I'd had known ,,,
You weren't to know,
Mister Mellor?
I'll cope,
I thought you were a woman, Childcare issues,
No I have a three year old and eh, I'm on my own,
Well ,,, Just the two of us, Alright sorry,
I'm not sure I am ready, - No, that's fine ,,, that's fine,
What my dad did last night, You'll have to excuse him,
It takes us all in different ways,
Oh, we know that, don't we Arthur?
It's nice to have something to take our minds off it, to be honest,
We should be apologizing to him ,,, really,
Well if I can make it up to you ,,, - No, it alright,
He probably thought you were millionaires,
Rock-stars,
We had all of those records, he used to get them for us,
You told him ,,, About that ,,,
Well it's not a secret is it, I mean ,,,
It was then, but ,,,
What are you doing?
I know it was, what was it, I think it was a couple of hundred quid
No, don't be daft, - What are you talking about?
Dad's side bet, He shouldn't have done that,
Bet??
He said it was ,,, a couple of hundred,
You bet hundreds of pounds on a game of Scrabble!
Not hundreds! Two hundred,
I thought he was ,,, - He took you?
He took you for the fool you are,
He cheated, - I'm sure he did,
No ,,,
He just a lot cleverer than you are, You keep that son ,,,
That's the price a fool has to pay ,,, for acting like a fool,
That's the fool tax!
It wasn't him! - I knew it wouldn't be,
All the best then, Come on,
Are you sure you wouldn't ,,,
No,
Let's hear the new jingle,
Small Faces, yes,
Or in my case Arthur Somebody
No particularly Yes at all,
I never thought of that, he probably sang this as well,
Why? - Why what?
He's second best of everything
He didn't have to scotch the real albums, it's only the peak we want,
We played Scrubble not Scrabble, - It was the same,
We didn't get proper Lego, you're always got us some snide Lego,
Oh now that was just as good
Never Air-fix, always Revell,
Revell was more Rock & Roll,
You didn't get us action-man, but something called action Joe
And he did not have grip hands,
Yeah, that wasn't good
Subbuteo? No, Chat valley big league,
Yes yes, you made your point
Go on, - What?
Well, you also didn't have a mother, did you? Just a dad, so poor substitute there,
Left hand down,
I can manage,
I could back a bloody panzer out of here,
What was that?
I said, get back in the car, get out of the cold,
Sure ,,,
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?
Your Father is back,
It wasn't your uncle Michael,
I think he's relieved,
Well, it's hard to know what for the best, isn't it? I mean ,,,
Well obviously the best would be ,,,
,,, if they found him and he was alive and well,
Having a lovely life ,,,
Or would it, I mean ,,,
,,, that'll be hard, wouldn't it?
To find out that he been happy all this time, and just ,,, you know ,,,
… shunning you,
Let you go all through this,
Like the sightings
You know people contact your granddad and say they've seen Michael,
Some have said they talked to him,
There was one in Argentina
Imagine ,,,
I'm not saying it be better if he was dead
Just saying, if you have to choose ,,,
Everything OK?
Are you visiting long?
Don't worry about it,
Alan ,,,
It's lovely to see you, Have you eaten?
There's plenty of leftovers, I'll get you a bowl,
That'll be lovely, if you sure there's enough
I'd be just as happy with a bit of toast and Marmite, - No no,
You know you can't take Marmite into Canada?
Because Marmite has a secret ingredient,
And the Canadian government took the view ,,,
That not telling them the secret ingredient was tantamount to asking them to import something without knowing what it is,
That's why the people of Canada have no Marmite, Imagine,
The second largest country on Earth
More or less nine million square miles and not one jar of Marmite,
How do they survive? - Vegemite,
A poor substitute,
But then sometimes a poor substitute is all there is,
Is Jack out there? - Yeah,
Upstairs,
Gaming, - That's a worry isn't it?
Why would that be a worry? He's at home,
He's not on the streets, Haven't gone missing,
You didn't hear about the girl in China then?
I did ,,, ,,, hear about the girl in China,
Imagine that is a worry, - I know China is different but ,,,
Exactly, I wouldn't want him to end up like her, - You should watch him,
I do try,
This business is probably affecting him more than you think
Do you think so? - No!
I think you might be right, - He's got exams, he doing A-levels
They're stressed, They're all stressed,
They're supposed to be stressed,
If he can't be stressed about your A-levels what can he be stressed about?
He doesn't seem stressed he seems more soft to be, you know, playing that game,
Which does beg the question - The girl in China question?
Exactly!
You know why he's saying Jack's Stressed?
No ,,,
'Cause he's stressed himself
Is he?
Classic transference of anxiety,
He was stressed on the drive then, was he?
Oh yeah, Very defensive, quite guarded
Do you not find him a bit passive aggressive?
I do ,,, sometimes but you have to make allowances,
Oh,
A present,
That's kind of you Alan,
What is it?
It's a thing doing labels
just putting labels on everything when we were kids
Jumpers only
Please fold towel before replacing, Please replace after use,
It helped keep things running smoothly, you know,
But also the font, look, it has an elegant precision
You don't really see that font anywhere else, I don't know what it's called, but I thought you'd appreciate it,
Well ,,,
It's getting late ,,, - Yeah it is,
Obviously you're welcome to stay,
Or you would be
only erm
don't really have a spare bed, do we? Just the bunk in Jack's room, so ,,,
I'm sure that will be fine,
Which is you?
The one with the big cleavage, that's you?
There is total sexual equality among the undead,
Doesn't make any difference what gender you are,
So why choose to be a girl with enormous breasts
Stop saying things like that - Not breasts
Bosoms
Assets, Glands,
Bazookas, which do you prefer?
Other players are more polite to you if you're a girl,
You look a bit choppy, if you don't mind me saying
What?
It's not running very smoothly, is it?
It's slow and then it's jumpy, you want me to change the settings for you?
I'm in the middle of an action, - It'll only take a moment,
Granddad? - What?
That's my bed
Yeah?
You didn't expect me to climb up there, did you?
Or did you? I could give it a go
No no, no I didn't expect that
I'm saying my prayers
Jack? - Mom ,,,
Nothing, Nothing,
We just ,,,
,,, don't normally see you for breakfast, that's all,
Jack?
Alright, Alright,
Granddad is up there and he's playing on my computer, Where else am I supposed to go?
I'm sure it's very difficult for you having Granddad in your bedroom,
But ,,, it's very nice for us having you for breakfast
Oh, I'll give you a lift if you like
Bye then,
Why doesn't he want a lift, you drive past his school every day?
There's a girl, - Oh,
He walks past two bus-stops to be at the same bus-stop as her,
And he stands next to her, but he doesn't speak,
Really, How do you know that?
It's a guess?
Yeah man, last night was ,,, colly,
We would go more or less all night
oh, we just listened to music, jammed
wrote a few new songs It was a good night man,
Jaaack!
Breakfast ,,,
Do let me know if that is not to your satisfaction,
Half a million registered players I'm never short of a game,
Does that mean you be staying another night then?
Unless it's a problem
No, no it's not a problem,
It's just ,,,
No, it's not a problem ,,,
Most of them play the board, not the man,
Always play the man,
Go for two-letter words,
They're your real friends,
There are a hundred-and-one two-letter words, Five of them are letters of the Greek alphabet,
Mu, M u, Nu, N u,
Pi, obviously
And Xi, X i
And then you got your unusual ones like O E, Oe, which is a wind on the Faeroe Islands,
Did your father ever tell you about your great-grandmother's shop?
She had a shop, sold all-sorts,
liquorice all-sorts? - No,
All sorts of things, bread, the papers, hairnets were big business I seem to remember Harpic,
Are you telling me a bedtime story?
I'm telling you your family history,
Coal, She sold coal,
People would ask for 5 pound of potatoes and a bag of coal, she'd go downstairs and get them the coal,
Why? Why didn't she just keep it upstairs?
Ah, that's the point ,,,
One day someone from the coal-board, (coal was nationalized then) heard about this and thought ,,,
We don't deliver to that shop, so how come she sells coal?
Go on,
Well, it turns out there's a seam in the cellar ,,,
The cellar of the shop, one wall of it, had a coal seam running off it
If you asked her for coal she'd go down there, pick up a pickaxe and chop out a bit of fresh coal for you,
She was a part-time freelance coal miner your great-grandmother,
That story ,,, is completely ,,, untrue
That story is a true as my name,
Sorry em ,,, I was just em - No, good idea,
Give it a go, Which one do you like best?
I never been in there before, No ,,,
Stand straight,
It's hard to gauge the fall of the trousers without proper shoes,
It's got to be Oxfords really, You might get away with a Chelsea boot, Have you got a Chelsea boot?
I don't know what you're talking about, - Ah,
When this is done, the thing you have to remember about these buttons is, sometimes always never,
What?
The buttons a man keeps fastened, sometimes, always, never,
Now take it off, and we'll make it sing
You know how this suit needs a bit of a tidy up, a trim,
Same thing goes for your hair,
You look spruce, Doesn't he look spruce?
Well, I wasn't sure it was him,
Is it one of your Granddad's?
Haven't got a spare gun, have you? So I can shoot myself,
Don't matter, your father matters, It's not endearing,
And it's not effective,
I know it's inconvenient with your Granddad,
It's not inconvenient, it's disorientating,
Awkward?
Destabilizing!
Confusing?
Not confusing, Unsettling?
Disquieting ,,,
Tense,
Anyway, it can't be helped,
And eh, well ,,,
You look spruce,
Well, I would not want to play Scrabble with you,
Really? ,,, Wouldn't you? - Or your Mom,
Jack, Give you a lift if you like,
So, his brother went missing and ever since then ,,, - The prodigal son,
What? - Well, the prodigal son goes missing, and then comes back,
And the dad kills the fattened calf and everything,
Gives him a ring, and the other son, the one who stayed behind to help him, he gets nothing,
I hate the prodigal son,
Then you're like my dad,
Erm, are we in the way? - No ,,,
No, it's fine,
Are you ,,, eating with us? - Is that OK?
Yeah, Then you can carry on after food,
I will beat him by then,
Good,
Good game plan,
Play the man, not the board,
She a girl Granddad, - Me too, as a matter of fact,
Zo?
You can't have that, Zoo has got two O's, - You know actually 'zo' is a word,
Are you sure?
Definitely, 'zo' is a word,
What's that? - Oxycamphus,
What's an Oxycamphor?
Its chemical,
I'm a chemist Alan, remember,
I'd check that if I were you, - You're not checking anything ,,,
She is a chemist,
If she says Oxycamphus is a chemical, it's a chemical!
I don't mind people check it,
Anything that spins the game out, to be honest,
Gue, by the way, is a traditional stringed instrument from the Shetland Islands,
Impressed, but I still want to check it,
I also want to know, if a dictionary tells us, why Jack would ever
know the name of a traditional stringed thing from the Falklands,
Shetlands, And what's 'yo'?
You can't have 'yo', What is it?
Clearly it's half a yo-yo, - It's a greeting,
Greetings are allowed,
Thank you, mister Jack's dad,
There it is, Oxycamphor, You were right
She knows damn well she's right, What are you talking about?
What was the next one 'yo'?
Don't look that up,
I just said it's a greeting and greetings are allowed,
You were forever using 'Hi' and 'Ho', You know 'Yo' is OK
Did you really play 'Ho', Granddad, as in Ho's & Cars
I said don't look Dad,
Dad! You're not even playing,
Dad?
Sue?
Sue, is that you?
Peter,
It's me, your Dad,
Sorry, - You're alright?
Yeah, I was just passing,
You don't have to get out, it's fine,
My house, your house, - I was finished anyway,
Cuppa tea?
I just wanted to say about last night ,,,
It's fine, no problem, Come on, cuppa tea,
I don't know how we keep ,,, rubbing each-other up, you know, the wrong way,
I think it's to do with Michael, isn't it? - Probably ,,,
Hey ,,, Come look at this,
Don't worry about me trying to communicate with you, or anything,
Where have you seen these words before? Erm ,,, in a game of Scrabble,
Our Michael used to play them,
What?
All the players use those words,
They're two-letter words,
You got them written down here, - It's him, I'm sure of it,
He's fast and got lovely words and he always maximizes the score,
And he's not sentimental, You know he doesn't play a word because it looks nice, It's him!
'Zo', He played 'zo' that night,
You said there was no such word, and that's when he walked out,
What?
You said there was no such word, and that's ,,,
Are you blaming me?
Who ,,, ? What?
I told you to stay in the bathroom, I did stay in there,
But I was turning into a prune in that bath,
Anyway ,,, What's to hide, done nothing wrong,
I know you ,,, I met you,
You're married, - Not anymore son,
Looking for our Nigel, was the only thing that kept us together, and once we found him ,,,
Recriminations, boredom ,,, You name it,
What? What have you been ,,, ?
You had sex?
Did you had sex in my bed?
Well, we weren't gonna have sex in Jack's bed, were we, it's a bunk bed, I'm not Tarzan,
Anyway it didn't feel right, did it, to have sex in the kids room,
You had sex in my bed ,,,
How could you do that, Even I don't have sex in my bed ,,,
Don't you? - Son ,,,
You must ask yourself why you are making so much fuss, I mean ,,,
What harm we're doing? Anyway, you should be proud of your Dad,
Let me tell you he's a very considerate and accomplished lover, - Oh God, shut up!
No, seriously ,,, - Please!
Please, - He's got everything ,,,
No-one ,,, - Please stop talking!
I'm gonna go ,,,
And when I come back this hasn't happened ,,, OK!
Yeah ,,,
You see the thing is, the traffic is horrendous
I mean maybe ,,,
So let's re-schedule,
Then I can get my ducks in a row,
No, I don't mean literal ducks,
No eh, I do do ducks
I don't do chipmunks either
Chipmunks ah, I mean, chipmunks aren't even an indigenous species,
And we already agreed on squirrels
Squirrels eating ice-cream ,,,
Who's not gonna love that?
Oh ,,,
No problem,
Granddad's gone!
Gone? Gone where? Gone gone!
Bags are gone, the lot, Not answering his phone ,,,
He's left,
Did you say something to him, have you had a row? - What? No!
Ask him, I never said anything to him apart from goodnight,
We have to find him ,,, - What do you mean, we have to find him?
He's a missing person ,,,
What are you on about, he's a missing person? He's a grown man, He gone back to his own home,
I don't know why he left it in the first place? - Mom?
We should find him, - Definitely, eh ,,,
What? Have you both gone crazy?
He didn't live here ,,,
That, or the fact that he's is not here, does not make him lost,
On the contrary, it means he's gone back to where he's suppose to,
How do you know that if he's not answering his phone?
Maybe you go around and check?
He's lived in that house for 50 years ,,,
Not once in all of that time have I ever considered going to see if he's still living there,
What?
Dad?
Is he in? - No he's not!
Do you know where ,,, - Where is he?
I don't know where he is, Do you?
He's not in there, I've looked, - I know, but ,,,
Can I have a look around, I've never been inside, he's funny about it,
Well, if he's funny about it, it's not for me to be serious about it, is it?
But ,,, Well, I thought there might be, you know, a clue,
If he's not said where he is, maybe he doesn't want you to know where he is,
We were supposed to going to this thing in Chester, He bought me tickets,
A present, Why would he buy them and not turn up?
Why does he do most of the things he does?
Has he told you about this ,,, erm Skinny, what's his name?
Thosaurus? - He doesn't know anything about him,
Says he wants to meet him, Everyone knows you should never arrange to meet someone you only know from the Internet,
It's dangerous,
There was that girl, wasn't there, from Barnsley, Ran off with some guy who turned out to be 30 stone,
She was only fourteen ,,,
I don't think anyone been sexually grooming my Dad, - No ,,,
But what if this Skinny fella turns out to be a kid?
And people erm, think it's you Dad doing the abducting,
Jesus!
Is this you?
Yeah, That's me and ,,, - Michael,
The one who ran away,
Is that him? - That's him,
The prodigal son!
I'm Fine ,,,
I'm not fine, at all
Arthur?
Arthur, I'm ,,, I'm sooo ,,, Sorry,
I don't know ,,, I don't know what I was thinking ,,,
I need you ,,,
I'm so sorry, can you come and pick me up?
I saw these pictures and ,,, That's his ,,,
I remembered being in the morgue, All right, it's OK,
What was I thinking of?
Is he mentally enfeebled in any way?
No more than he ever was,
Confused at all?
No more than the rest of us, - I can take his details,
I'll get you a photo,
If I get an unidentified body or injured person that matches the description, then sure we can give you a call and ask ,,,
Don't do that
I don't wanna do that
To be honest, he's hale and hearty He's past the age of consent ,,,
Unless he's waving around unlicensed firearms or driving around without due care and attention, then I don't see ,,,
I know, I know
You know one night my son went missing
He got in a big nark and walked out of the room, We were watching Top Gear
I told him to stop talking over it, off he went ,,,
Banged the door and he never came back
State of panic, Rang all his mates ,,,
I was driving around the streets looking for him Wife in tears, you have no idea,
Yes I have ,,,
I'm driving around and I'm literally shaking,
Called the station, got people on it, Didn't know what else to do,
And then I went up to his bedroom, - Ah ,,,
No no, I went up to his bedroom,
And he was fast asleep,
He'd gone straight to bed,
There he was all cosy,
It happens,
Not all the time,
It's a Heartache, nothing but heartache ,,,
Hits you when it's too late ,,,
Hits you when you're down ,,,
It's a fools game ,,,
Nothing but a fools game ,,,
Standing in the cold rain ,,,
Feeling like a clown ,,,
It's a Heartache,
Nothing but a Heartache ,,,
Love until your arms break
Jack's found him, - What, is he here?
No he's not here, - He synced his phone with my desktop
The app 'find my phone' turned on, So if I go here,
That's him, That's where he is,
Where is that? Somewhere near ,,, Ainsdale
Well then he's fine, isn't he? He just got to get away from it all
That's where used to go on holiday when we were kids, What if he gone to meet someone?
What?
He talked about going to meet some guy of the Internet, He's not going to meet some guy of the Internet,
What a guy of the Internet doing in Ainsdale?
That explains why he's not answering his phone, He's got no signal,
You don't even care ,,,
You don't even care one little bit, - What would you want me to do
He's gone on a Jolly, he just said,
I know my Dad better than you,
And I know he's OK,
But I'm gonna go up there,
But I'm doing it for you, Not him, OK,
Lissom?
What's that?
Just a nice word ,,,
I'm just ,,,
playing with words,
Do you know what my favorite word is?
No, I don't,
Soap!
Soap,
Go on, Give it a go,
Soap,
Sssoap!
Small pleasures eh?
Dad?
Alan?
Dad? - You broke his heart, you know,
All he ever talked about was you!
Doesn't matter what conversational gambit you try,
The tide, the weather
European fishing quotas, The sudden appearance of Bottlenose Dolphins,
The mating habits of the North-Atlantic Grey Seal,
It all comes back to you, I wish he was here, - I'm his other son ,,,
What? - The one who didn't run away,
The one he's been staying with,
The one he went to possibly identify the body with,
I've got a son, Jack, He's quite close to my Dad,
My wife Sue ,,, - No way,
We were a bit worried about him, We worried he might have gone in a distracted state and done something, you know,
Hang on a minute, How do I know that you're his son?
How do I know that you're not the tax or the police?
Why would the police be after him? - I don't know,
He's an awkward bugger, - He's my Dad,
We're worried about him, Just tell me what you know,
Yeah, yeah, Now I see it,
You're the very image of him, when you get narky,
He's out, - I know he's out,
That's why I'm worried about him, - Why are worried?
He's a very experienced sailor, isn't he?
Is he? - Yeah,
Storms and gales - he's had the lot, him and that little boat,
Yeah, very experienced, very experienced,
What are you looking for?
What have I been looking for all these last years?
When I put on my coat and walk, and walk, and walk,
What do you think I was looking for?
I remember you doing it
But I didn't know what you were doing at the time,
I thought all dads did that, you know,
I didn't know where else to look
Apart from everywhere,
They tell you to think about ,,, everything you know about them,
But it turns out
I didn't know that much
Only the Scrabble thing
And I don't even know if he liked Scrabble that much, just ,,,
It's stuck in my mind because he walked out in the middle of a game,
I should have gone after him,
You were in a nark,
I should have gone after him,
That's true, I never thought of that,
I hate Scrabble ,,,
You think it gonna be about the words, but it's about the numbers,
You think you gonna be playing 'Lagoon' and 'Lambent'
Or 'soap',
But it's all, 'Mu', 'Pi'
'za' 'zu'
Nobody leaves home over a game of Scrabble,
It wasn't about the Scrabble
Scrabble was just the occasion,
It was Mom!
As soon as Mom died ,,,
He was just angry all the time,
Something bad happened to him, When I should have been protecting him,
Dad we don’t know that ,,,
And then this ,,, Skinnythosaurus started,
I mean, look at this ,,,
He plays exactly like our Michael, same words sometimes,
I've been playing him, I know I have,
He's found me, or I found him ,,,
And if he is ,,,
you know ,,, I've been playing a ghost,
All good players play the same way, - Yes, until the other day, and then ,,, look
Look at this ,,,
Marauder, down the side there,
Would you waste a 'U' on a word like that? Marauder is the name of our caravan,
He's trying to talk to us - Dad
So I messaged him - Dad ,,,
I gonna meet him ,,, - Dad ,,, Everybody knows you shouldn't
What do I got to be scared of, The only thing I'm scared of is dying before I sort this out!
Hello son ,,,
Fancy a game ,,,
Where did you get that? - E-Bay
We've been playing each other for weeks, haven't we?
What?
You're him, aren't you, Skinnythosaurus?
I'm sorry ,,,
I'm all there is, Pickwick 'Top of the Pops' sons,
It's alright, I'm the 'Chat Valley Big League' of Dads,
This is bloody useless, isn't it, The pieces are too flimsy,
It get crumpled when you try to pick them up, look,
But that's all there is, If you wanna play, that's it,
We have to make the best of it then,
Yeah ,,,
It's clearing up ,,, - Yeah, it's OK
Nice day,
Well ,,, not nice ,,, ordinary,
He's not coming back ,,,
The prodigal son
Not today ,,, - Give him a minute ,,, Traffic is terrible,
The other son ,,,
The non-prodigal one ,,,
Do you know what he got for his troubles?
Days ,,,
Mornings ,,,
Afternoons
At home ,,,
With his family ,,,
Ordinary days, like this one ,,,
That's what he got,
Alright? - Yeah, you?
Not bad,
Are you coming?
The end!