رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the RVIP lounge,
In preparation for the greatest ride of your life,
please listen to the following important safety information,
The RVIP lounge is a mobile karaoke unit
housed inside of a customized RV,
It serves as equal parts transportation
and entertainment,
Transport-tainment,
Hi, I'm Channing,
I'm Chaz,
And we make the RVIP lounge,
It's a karaoke bar that's inside an RV
that drives around and parks on the side of the street
and has a free party for whoever happens to walk in,
And it's fucking awesome,
It was originally just for fun,
But when our little Winnebago died on the side of the road,
we realized that we'd had the best nights of our lives on there,
and our friends had too, so,,,
I withdrew my life savings
and bought this 40 foot monster RV named Biggie,
Like a lot of creative projects,
it grew out of our own control,
And we just had to sort of follow it where it led us,
I quit my job,
And we are gonna take this RV
on a tour of our country,
As always, we can't do it without you,
And as always,
we're some people here asking you for some money,
This is the equivalent of us standing on the side of the road,
like "Need Gas" sign,
We can't guarantee that you'll write the great American novel,
find the love of your life,
or start a new computer just because you sang karaoke with us,,,
But it is possible,
because those things have happened,
So, we'll see you on the open road,
As we walk through the cabin for a final safety check,
please remember:
You're so fucking special,
(Sighs)
(Slams glass on table)
(Squeaking)
(Sighs)
Dude,
(Music)
YO!
Hi,
Hey baby! - Hi,
I cleaned out the RV,
And,,,
Check this shit out,
(Inaudible)
Fuckin' smoke machine, Here,
Whoa, - Sit that down,
(Clunking)
I'm sorry, baby,
I'm gonna take a shower, - Okay,
You can have fun with this,
And I'll talk to you soon, - Okay,
(Hissing)
(Smoke detector beeping)
Fire! Fire!
(Smoke detector beeping)
Fire!
(Music)
(Inaudible)
No, I'm good, Thanks,
Right?
They call it (Inaudible),
(Inaudible)
You're very creative but you don't like your breasts,
(Laughing)
It's like you can see what's inside her,
She told me that at a dinner party once,
Remember that?
(Inaudible)
Thanks everybody, for coming to our,,,
Our Bon Voyage party,
Cheers! - Cheers!
As you know, we're going,
We're setting off on a,,,
,,, on a trip across our great nation,
America,
And there's also another,,,
another little announcement,
Another little thing that we're doing,
We are officially,,,
not trying to not get pregnant,
(Cheering)
(Inaudible)
Yeah, so we're gonna have,,,
There will be a baby,
At some point,
Maybe not,,, probably not for nine months,
Depending on,,,
I guess, ovulation,
Which I'm totally comfortable about,,,
him talking about in public,
(Laughing)
Good, good,
Because I'm gonna do it dozens of times,
(Inaudible)
(Mouthing words)
So thank you all for being here, and being part of--
But we're going to New York! - Yeah,
And it's gonna be awesome! It's gonna be a riot!
(Cheering)
It was nice knowing you,
I have to cry,
I love you,
I'm so glad you're having a baby,
No one else should, None of you,
There's always gonna be that percent of children,
no matter what you do,
they're probably gonna be sociopathic killers,
(Inaudible)
(Music)
All right, buddy,
Here's your RVIP Lounge crash course,
Okay, so this is the basic bar,
But it's gonna get way better,
because there are gonna be lights behind all the bottles,
And there's gonna be a big whiskey button,
and you press that and all the whiskey lights up,
Today, Graceland,
Tomorrow, Versailles,
This is the kelp,
(Inaudible) go underwater at the TED conference,
but now it transforms this regular carpet
into a magic underwater flying carpet,
And it has a button,
Cellphone charging station,
People can plug in their phones and charge them,
And,,,
This NPR reporter emailed,,,
and asked if they could do a feature on us,,,
for national public radio,
Oh my god,
Shit, that's incredible, - Yeah,
I have to go to this job interview,
You have a job interview?
What job?
Secret dream job,
It is basically a mix between a mad scientist
and an artist and a corporate executive,
So, you know, No pressure,
So I'll be gone for like four or five hours,
And then, I'll come back,
pick up the RV, take her to the mechanic
for a little pre trip inspection,
Awesome,
Thanks, baby, - Thank you
Go Team - Okay
Have fun,
See ya later, - Do it!
Teach me,
* From sea to shining sea
Just like that, basically,
You just like press play and press stop,
And then it's just two ladies with microphones
having a conversation,
This is how it's gonna be for the next month,
This is how it should be forever,
We should just keep these, We should have these on us at all times,
This is how we should communicate with the world,
Yeah, I'm happy to field any questions you may have,
Scheduled, we're gonna push out the schedule maybe a little bit,
You're pushing a baby making schedule in, That's why,
Oww,
Don't fuck around,
Let's just get into it, Just tell me,
Because when you guys made that announcement the other day,
there was a HINT of terror,,,
in your eye,
And he's not around, You can tell me the truth,
I mean, we're,,, how do you feel about it?
I feel like not doing it,
So don't do it,
It seems really simple, doesn't it?
It is very simple,
I don't know, I just feel like,,,
by not doing it,,,
that I'm robbing Chaz of a child,
and,,,
I see my older sister Alex, who's 37,,,
and desperate to have a kid,
DESPERATE for someone to do it with,
I don't know, They say that there's never a good time to have a kid,
So just pull the trigger, and,,,
And you're not ready,
So don't do it,
Nobody else in the world is gonna tell you
that it's okay to feel that you don't want to have a baby,
but I will,
I give you permission to not have a baby right now,
If you don't want one,
You don't have to do it,
I will never do it,
George motherfucking Washington did not die,,,
for this great nation to see you,,,
pushed into parenthood at an early age,
*America,
*God shine His grace on thee,
*and crown thy good,
*with sisterhood,
*from sea to shining sea
(Inaudible)
Stop it,
I don't want to,
(Inaudible)
It's time to start our new project,
What project?
Special family project,
(Snickering)
I have an idea for how to start,
Yeah?
I don't,,,
I don't feel good,
I know you can do this,
I don't,,,
I don't want,,,
to start the project,
Want to take a shower?
No,
I don't actually want to start it,,,
,,, quite yet,
FUCK,
I feel like ever since we decided to,,,
have a baby,,,
As of April 1st,
it's been like a countdown to like,,,
Having a baby?
No, like my death,
Like the end of my life,
This is the beginning of your life,
You know how, it like,,,
Everybody who does anything cool,,,
and anybody you like and think as,,, that you admire,,,
They all have kids,
Barack Obama,
Michelle Obama,
Tina Fey,
Martin Scorsese,,,
Does Scorsese have kids? - Yeah,
The Scorsese Kids,
But it's not gonna end,
It's gonna like, it's gonna start,,,
It's gonna be cool, and it'll be the thing,
It'll,,,
We talked about this a bunch,
This month is a good month,
because then it'll be like a new year baby,
Yeah, but I don't,,,
I don't feel it,
Like I don't,,,
I don't feel like I'm ready,
And I want to wait,
Like, push out the project,
We did that,
And then we did it again,
(Sighs)
Or,,,
What about this dog?
Come here little dog,
See?
She's not happy about it either,
See, what if we,,,
Can we just promote her to human baby
for like six more months?
And then we can have a real human baby in six months?
Can I have six months of my life back?
But it's not even life back,
It's like,,,
Look at this face, Look at--
If your baby comes out looking like this I'm sending it back,
(Inaudible)
She's beautiful,
She's a beautiful dog,
Just an ugly baby,
Of course I'm not gonna make you have a baby,
Try as I might, - Yeah?
I feel like,,,
Well, can we at least still bone?
Because I feel like this morning,,,
I lost a baby and a bone,
In one shot, - I'll bang you,
I'll totally bang you, - Right on,
Let's bang, - Okay,
Can you go down on me? - Yeah,
Go on,
Move it, fat,
(Growling and giggling)
No biting!
No poking!
Hey, if you're gonna have a dog baby you're gonna get a few bites,
Hello, gorgeous! - Hi,
Hi,
Thank you so much
for that lovely party the other night,
You're welcome, Hi,
Hi,
And,,,
I'm very excited about your little announcement,
God,
You know, I was gonna say something,
but I'm really glad Chaz did,
You're not getting any younger,
And, now we can do it together,
Hey! Do you have your period?
Yes,
I have my period!
Oh my god!
That means we're ovulating at the same time,
OH MY GOD,
Pregnancy buddies,
Okay, But listen,
I don't want to have a Gemini baby,
because I have enough Geminis in my family,
and they're fuckin' crazy,
Also, I don't want to have the baby in the winter,
because they all have colic,
Also, I met the most amazing prenatal yoga teacher,
She's also a (inaudible),
And she does classes on Tuesdays
and Thursdays,
I don't know when we're gonna do this,
So,,, like,,,
Rewind,
Alright, well,,,
You know, every month that you wait to have a baby,,,
Your eggs start to atrophy,
What does that even mean?
Do you remember when we went to Napa?
At the end of the summer?
Right?
And all of the grapes, they started to shrivel,
So what you got,,,
were good raisins,
Do you want a raisin baby?
Like that baby that Brad Pitt played,
where he was a ninety year old baby?
Or do you want a juicy,
bursting full of flavor baby?
I,,,
My doctor says that we have time,
Does your doctor have kids?
No,
Okay, That's like going to a dermatologist who has bad skin,
Or a dentist who has yellow fangled teeth,
It's gross,
Okay, well,,,
I'm just gonna feel it out,
I understand,
Okay?
Well, I'm so happy for you guys!
Thank you,
I love you so much, - I love you,
Thank you,
Oh here's your jacket, - Oh thank you,
You forgot it,
Alright, I got to go, - I'll see you soon,
Alright,
Is that a gray hair?
Right,,, - Where?
Oh, I don't know,
There it is,
Alright, I'll see you later,
Oh, and,,,
Can I borrow those shoes when you get back?
Yeah,
Oh, and that afgan, - Okay,
Bye, - Bye,
Love you, - Love you,
(Door closes)
(Groans)
(Saw whirring)
Your phone's ringing,
It's Mike,
What? - It's Mike,
Hello,
Yeah,
Cool, Okay,
Alright,
Okay, Talk to you soon,
Bye,
What he say?
I got it,
You did?! - Yeah,
You got the job? - Yeah, we're,,, yeah,
CHAZZY!
Chazzy! Chazzy! Chazzy! Congratulations,
That's so awesome,
You did it! You did it! You did it!
You got a dream job, - Yeah,
That's so cool,
When do you start?
Next week,
So,,,
So I can't go on a trip,
OH, - Oh,
Fuck, - Yeah,
I'm gonna have to learn how to drive this thing,
Yeah,
Okay, well that's good, - Yeah,
Congratulations,
I'm gonna call Benny, Can I use your phone? - Sure,
Good job,
(Trumpet ring tone)
Hello,
You okay?
I will be,
I drank wine,
What's up? - Chaz got the job,
Yay, Chaz,
You must be so happy,
Honey, I'm flipping out,
He's not coming on the trip,
And we invested
all of our money into buying this RV,
And NPR wants to do this story on us,
and it's like the biggest opportunity I've ever had
in my entire life,
I want it so badly, and,
Just to validate what I've been doing with my life
to my parents and all these people that gave us money,
And I know it's just like,
a stupid karaoke thing fueled with alcohol,
But on a good night,
we help people find their voice and change their lives
in tiny, tiny ways,
I really want to do it,
And I'm scared fucking shitless doing it without Chaz,
And I want to know if it's something we can do, like,,,
You and me,
But I don't know what your situation is, Like,,,
No, Fuck that,
We're doing this, We could,
We're doing this, We can totally do this,
I will be
the Commander Riker to your Captain Picard,
And together we'll
take NPR and the world by storm and,,,
melt their American faces off
with the power of karaoke,
Really?
Yes, This I believe,
I love you,
Okay,
Let's get dinner tonight and talk about this,
What's your story? Are you working today?
No,
I don't really think that that company has much to offer me anymore,
What about your paycheck?
I was thinking about that paycheck,
I'm thinking,,,
I,,, have to puke right now,
I have to puke right now,
Love you, Love your work,
FUCK,
Okay,
Welcome to the introduction to RVIP Lounge health and maintenance,
We're gonna learn about 500 million things about the RV today,
You have to remember absolutely everything,
Because you're gonna be on your own, so,,,
Pay attention,
Alright,
Here we have the Quiet Pack 75D generator,
Oil, power, fuse,
And the fluids are back there,
And here,,,
is the engine,
Oil, hydraulic reservoir,
Check the oil every few stops,
The big thing about this,,,
as the driver, is to be super Zen,,,
because you have the life of everyone behind you in your hands,
And you have the lives of a bunch of other people
around you in your,,,
Like, you shouldn't be texting,,,
during,,,
safety lectures, because,,,
I'm here,
Yeah, This is really important,
This is where you,,,
where you make or break the whole thing,
Road dog has to be on the spot with everything,
That's me, - Yeah,
That's you, - That's me, - Yeah,
The road dog should always be on call,
and should always be like, co-driving,
They should be looking for trees that we might hit,,,
be looking for cars,,,
they should be,,,
just taking responsibility for all the stuff working
just as much as the driver is,
Mirrors, the transmission,
the air brakes, the levels,
the suspension, or the exhaust brake, the fog lights,
RPM and miles per hour are normal,
Fuel, Fuel's normal,
But the rear air and the front air,,, you need to watch,,,
I fuckin',,, I can't do this, man,
I feel like I'm gonna fuckin' kill someone,
Okay,
This is,,, You can do this,
Just take that feeling,,,
and feel it,,,
and then put it away,,,
and think about what this is,
This is a machine
that is engineered to be driven
by somebody like you,
So, what you have to do,,,
is memorize a few things,,,
And then you just need to get a feel for it,
This is a machine,
and you are the boss,
Are you ready to be the boss?
Okay, boss, - Yeah,
Turn it on,
I'll fuckin' take it,
Put on the brake, Turn on the ignition,
Take it,
(Engine starting)
Well,,,
I didn't get the laser beams or the lights,
On the outside, or Versailles,
You got the sign,
Yeah,
I guess we'll just add those other guys
to the museum of unfinished projects,
Yeah, That's a big museum,
Yeah man,
(Exhales)
I'm gonna miss you,
I want to come too,
But you're gonna rock it,
You're gonna be great,
You're gonna go and be the boss of this whole nation,
Of NPR? - And of NPR, yes,
You're gonna do great,
Thanks for setting it all up,
Thank you for taking over the whole thing
and making it all happen,
I am merely here to execute your vision,
Miss you,
I'll call you when we first pee,
Okay, Call me every time you pee, - Okay,
Every time,
Okay, - Alright,
Okay, here,
Captain's hat,
Ay-ay, sir,
Alright, Bye,
Bye,
(Music)
Hi, Channing,
Renee Brewster, NPR,
calling to confirm our interview a week from Thursday at 9:00AM
I have to get on my flight at noon,
Sorry to make it so early,
Let me know is this works for you, Okay, Thanks, Bye,
Hey baby, it's me,
I was just calling to say I love you and I miss you,
I'm here and I love the job,
And the cats are great,
And I'll see you soon, I love you,
Hey, I sent you the link to the prenatal yoga classes,
And we have to sign up in the next two weeks or it gets filled,
Hey,
Hi,
Hey, What's going on here?
We're doing karaoke, and it's awesome,
Can I get in? - Yeah yeah yeah,
Alright, Alright,
(Music)
(Bottles clanging)
I have cleaned up so much puke,
So much,
Memories, This sounds just like college,
And,,,
NPR asked to do a feature story on us,
Are you serious? - Yeah,
Mom and dad are gonna be SO excited!
That's awesome, - I know!
It's amazing how the validation of one liberal news source
can change you from stupid hippie into,,,
upwardly mobile entrepreneur,
You seem smarter already, honestly,
Just talking to you about this,
We are gonna have just enough money
to get home and pay our crew,
But it's tight,
I'm really excited,
And I'm trying not to fuck it up,
It's not your only point of validation with them,
Remember, you have another one on the way,
Okay,
Why is everyone trying to get me to ruin things with babies?
I am happy,
I found a donor,
A sperm donor?
Holy shit! Who is it?
I don't know his name, I'm not allowed to know that,
But it was a lot like going onto Etsy,
Instead of looking for that ethnic handbag,
I instead was looking for a healthy child
who may or may not be a liberal arts major,
Hopefully he'll get an MBA, maybe a law degree,
Wow,
So you're actually gonna get basted,
I'm so giddy, I mean,,,
It's kind of amazing to like go into a situation
where you know you're gonna have sperm inside you,
you're definitely not gonna orgasm,
so there's no expectation of having fun,
and also, like, I don't have to worry about getting HPV,
I'm just getting a baby, That's all I want,
I hope that you get exactly what you want,
Okay, I would like an orgasm too,
But that can happen later,
Call me and let me know how it goes,
Or I'll call you from New York when I see Flora, okay?
Bye, I love you,
(Music)
Okay, we're leaving Texas,
I miss you,
I'm really tired,
Call me,
Stop it,
Sorry, I'm not sure what you said,
STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
(Music)
I don't know if you got my texts,
or my voicemail yesterday,,,
Okay, I love you,
And I hope that the job is so awesome
that that is why you're not calling me back,
Miss you a lot,
Call me, bye, I love you,
I just got elbowed,
In the head,
Which is fine, but,,,
I like stopped singing,
and I stopped seeing people,
and I stopped hearing music and I was like tunnel vision,
and I had to get out of there, I was like,,,
getting phone calls and text messages from my ex-girlfriend
that I broke up with before I came,
And I'll need escape time,
I need to get,,, I need,,, I had to get out,
You don't need to apologize,
You seem unwell,
Could,,, - Yeah?
Can I ask you a question? - Yeah,
Have you had anything to eat?
Or drink? Or have you slept?
I didn't really sleep,
because I cleaned up last night,
And then Bunny had to do something this morning,
so I covered for her,
You know,
You need to take care of yourself,
It doesn't work
if Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs have not been satisfied,
Yeah, I just,,, I wanted to help,
I want to be helpful,
Are you fucking kidding me?
You're the hardest working person I know,
Thanks,
And I'm so sorry that I let you down,
And I am so grateful that you exist,
You must take care of yourself, - Okay,
You just got out of a breakup?
Yeah,
Why didn't you tell us?
Nobody wants to hear about that shit,
DUDE! - What?
(Inaudible)
But that's why I came! I needed to like, get out of Dodge,
You're with THREE WOMEN
on a road trip,
That's all we want to know, - Okay,
That's what Texas is for,
Just talking about your feelings,
Yeah, sorry,
What the fuck, Come here, buddy,
I'm sorry, - Thank you,
I'm sorry you feel shitty,
Just take care of yourself,
And if you need to,,,
If you just need to sing it out, you know,,,
If some bitch is giving you crazy ass text messages,,,
You could just exorcise her demons,
Like a song about crazy people?
Yeah, Like Patsy Klein "Crazy",
I'm interested,
Or Gnarls Barkley "Crazy",
What about,,, what about like "She Drives Me Crazy"
by Fine Young Cannibals? - Oh yeah,
"Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
by Queen,
What about "Crazy On You" by Heart?
"Shine On, You Crazy Diamond"
That BeyoncÃ© song,
"Crazy In Love" - Crazy, yeah,
Queue up a crazy playlist, - Okay,
And then if you want, you can sing it,
But you can also just go to sleep,
No, I want,,, - Okay,
I want, - Okay,
Alright,
(Music)
Hello,
Hi,
How are you?
Good, good,
Do you know?
Is this the 27th bus?
No,
No?
Am I on the wrong bus?
Where do you need to go?
Well, I need to go home,
I just got some cat food,
I have to feed my cat,
This is not the 27 bus,
But, this is the bus that will take you home,
Okay?
Doesn't look like the bus that'll take me home,
(Stifled giggle)
I promise we will,
You will? Okay,
Okay,
I'm Bunny, - Hi, I'm Alexis,
It's nice to meet you,
It's nice to meet you too,
That's not really my name,
Bunny's my Christian name,
But hey, I'll take you up to the front,
And we'll tell the driver where you have to go,
And maybe,,,
You want to sing a song with us,
On the way,
Sing a song? - Yeah,
We're all singing songs,
I haven't sung since the 60's,
Me either, Come on, It'll be easy,
Okay, - Let's do it,
*Kumbaya, my lord,
(Music)
I thought I got on the wrong,,,
Well, I did get on the wrong bus,
It's not the 27th,
But this is a great bus,
I think I got on the right bus, - YEAH!
(Cheering)
(Music)
That was a good one,
Good job, my friend,
Yeah,
It's 6:00AM,
which means that NPR is coming here to shoot
and do interview stuff,,,
in three hours,
Okay,
And I have to talk to them,
so I should figure out what I want to say,
Can you be in charge of,
getting the RV like ship shape?
And swabbing the decks?
And just making it presentable to,,,
America?
Yeah, Of course I can,
Really?
Yeah, I got you,
I love you, Commander,
Of course, - Thank you,
(Stumbling and giggling)
There's people,
(Inaudible)
Oh my god, - Whoa,
Oh my god,
How are you?
(Drunken ramblings)
You! You! You!
(Drunken ramblings)
Okay,
(Drunken ramblings)
Come here!
That just happened,
He just said he was the Big Bad Wolf,
Yeah, He is,
He is her Big Bad Wolf, - Yeah,
They totally defiled our bathroom,
Yeah they did,
And I will not be swabbing their deck,
Not necessary,
Oh my god, I love you,
Thank you, thank you, thank you,,,
I got you,
Well, you made it sound really fun,
Oh, thank you, - It looks fun,
It was fun talking about it with you,
So here it is,
Welcome to the RVIP Lounge,
Oh yeah,
And then the outside we got
designed by this company in San Francisco,
(Gasping)
So, can we sit? Or,,,
Yeah,,, Yeah,
I'm sorry, Let me just,,,
This like,,,
isn't supposed to be like this,
FUCK,
I'm sorry,
You know, we can stand, We can stand,
Like, I have this thing with like surfaces,
I just have to have mine,,,
You know what I mean?
It's like messy bed, messy head where you just can't,,, focus,
Okay, well let's just,,,
I'm just gonna hand you a microphone,
and ask you a few questions about the,,,
And then, you can,,,
get along with your day,
There's that, - Thanks,
Dude, do you actually want to like sing karaoke?
Because we're kind of more about, like, being interactive,
Do you like,,?
Oh, I don't sing,
Like Morrissey, or like Justin Timberlake?
Or are you more like Spice Girls / Top 40 ?
Or like,,,
Patsy Klein? Pat Boone?
Pink Floyd?
You know what I think?
We got some really good stuff,
At the cafe,
So I think, actually,,,
I think I actually might just go with that,
I mean, if you wanted to come later,,,
It's a lot better at night time,
Then you actually feel like singing Journey,
because then it's night time, - Oh right!
Everyone else is there, and,,,
Okay, well really nice to meet you,
Fuck fuck fuck,,,
Fuck shit, Sorry,
Sorry I'm late,
Sorry, sorry, sorry,
(Exhales)
Well, it doesn't even really look that fucked up in here, actually,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry! Channing,
Hey!
You're gonna silent treat me now?
You want to keep it quiet?
I feel like you have something to say,
Let's just have it out, Let's do it, Let's go!
Okay, Okay, You're a FUCKING flake,
And you sabotaged this extraordinary opportunity
for this project,
and you fucked over EVERY SINGLE person who's ever worked on it,
I overslept,
(Sighs)
I'm tired, Okay?
I'm fucking tired,
I've been working my ASS off for you,
And up until today,
I have done everything that you have asked of me,
If this was the single most important thing
that you had going on for this ENTIRE trip,
you should have taken the responsibility on yourself,
You should have never left it with me,
Oh, I'm sorry, You're tired?
Oh, guess what?
Fucking everyone in the world is tired, Bunny,
If you want to do something with your life that's great,
then wake the FUCK up,
You are like a fucking train wreck,
You're making bad decisions left and right,
And it's not just you anymore,
You're hurting the people who you're closest to,
You don't get to attack me because you
didn't get the validation that you were looking for
from this reporter,
It was NEVER going to happen,
He's a reporter,
He doesn't give a SHIT about you,
You're a story to him,
SHE, It's a HER,
I'm gonna go back to the room,
And put on some pants,
Hi, it's dad,
Your mother wants to know how the NPR interview went,
She's really excited,,,
(Exhales)
(Inaudible)
(Rattling)
(Clicking)
What's happening?
I don't know, I don't know,
Guys,
It sounds like your engine just ate a family of armadillos,
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!
I don't fuckin' know,
(Inaudible)
Okay, Alright, alright, Relax,
Just pull over,
The temperature gauge is like flying,
FUCK!
(Buzzing)
(Exhales)
Okay,
I'm gonna go back there,
and check the engine,
I'm gonna call roadside,
It's great, Yeah,
Okay, yeah, Thank you,
Yeah, We'll be here, Okay, Bye,
Good news, everyone,
Roadside has located a local mechanic for us,
Who,,,
is probably at least two hours away,
We're all getting hangry,
There's a town a couple miles away,
I'm just gonna call a cab,
and I'm gonna go and I'm gonna bring food for all of us,
I'm gonna go with you, but fuck a cab, Let's just walk it out,
I could use some un-recycled fucking air,
Okay,
What's it looking like out there?
Not so bad,
I think that it's the fan belt,
because it smells like burnt rubber,
and that would make sense with the temperature gauge,
Is that bad? - No,
It's just you need the part, - Okay,
Let's do it, - Let's go,
(Birds squawking)
So,,,
I'm confused,
Why would you choose to rely on someone,,,
,,, who's not reliable?
Yeah,
Yeah, she's really fun,
And she was available, and,,,
Yeah,
(Knocking)
Hi, - Hi!
How are you guys? - Good,
I am so sorry to bother you guys,
I've got a weird question for you guys,
You know where a Pizza Hut is around here?
Oh man, - No,
We thought that you were,,, Fucking with you?
Yeah, I'm fucking with you, I'm the mechanic,
Hi, how's it going? - Hi!
Sorry about that, - Thank you for coming,
No problem, - I'm Max,
John? - Jack,
No, Randy, I'm Randy,
It's my mom's shirt,
Don't worry about it,
Listen, let me take a look here and see what seems to be the problem,
We heard this crazy sound,
It was a thwacking like,,,
What was that sound?
(Making noises)
Okay,
Sweet pea,
you got yourself one,,, broke ass fan belt here,
You totally called it,
You guys have a broken ass fan belt,
Good news, bad news, Which one do you want first?
Bad,
Good news first, I can fix this,
Bad news is I don't have the parts on me right now,
See, my boy Mauricio,
a little bit of a shitbag but he usually comes through,,,
Probably four hours, - Okay,
I can get you set ready to go,
back on the road about 500 bucks, What do you say?
Yeah, I mean,
If that's what it takes to do it,
If we could be going, Yes,
Believe it or not, getting going is my BUSINESS,
BUT,,,
You got to tell me what your business is,
What the hell is this thing?
It's a karaoke RV,
Like,,, like bowling alley karaoke?
Yeah, - Yeah,
Like Tuesday nights,
Mr, Neil Diamond "Sweet Caroline" karaoke?
Yes, - Yeah,
That is my JAM!
I might have to get inside and,,,
show you how it's done,
Let me call my boy real quick,
We'll get Mauricio on the line, see if,,,
See if he can get that part over for me,
Oh my god,
Sweet Caroline,
Mauricio,
Randy,
Hey man, listen,
I need a fan belt for a 2001 karaoke machine,
No, man, I'm fucking with you,
It's an RV,
I need a fan belt for a 2001, looks like the,,,
(Inaudible)
Yes, - Oh my god,
Yes,
Oh my god, - Good call,
That was,,,
Well, I still couldn't fix it though,
No, but it's,,,
I don't care, man, Just get it here,
I don't care, Whatever, Alright, four hours, That sounds good,
Alright, boys and girls, I've got you taken care of,
My boy's on his way with the parts,
Yes, Thank you so much,
Don't thank me, Thank me after I sing for you guys,
You guys give me a tour of this bad boy, Let's see how it's going,
After you, darling, - Yeah,
Step into my office, - Alright, Sparky,
Let's get this going,
Look at this place!
Slick, sharp,
I'm liking the lights,
I have a warm-up track for you, - Sure, sure,
I don't usually need a warm-up,
but if you feel more comfortable that's fine,
I just need a microphone,
Okay, I have a microphone for you,
There we go, - There you go,
And I need a place to sing, Where are we going?
That's your monitor, - Boom,
Let's heat up,
And actually I have a quick question, - Sure, Whatever you need,
How did the fan belt break?
I'm gonna let that one slide,
since you're a girl and all but,,,
There's two reasons why your fan belt's gonna break,
One of them is time, the other's pressure,
You two fucked up on both,
You see, when I got in there,
that fan belt looked like a torn up piece of beef jerky,
Now the problem is,
either ya'll have an idiot for a mechanic,
or you guys didn't look at anything,
Either way, ya'll shouldn't have been on the road at all,
BUT, enough about that,
Let's talk about some singing mastery,
You ready back there?
Do it, - Alright,
Just a warm-up, - Okay,
Take it away,
*Oh say can you see,
*by the dawn's early light,
How's it going over here?
It's going, - Yeah?
Want to do some yoga or something?
Yeah,
Yeah, That's actually an awesome idea,
(Music)
This is a legendary breakdown,
You've got your amber waves of grain,
We've got your noble oak,
The noble dairy farm,
Damnit! I was gonna bring some snacks,
Oh, I actually have,,,
a box of raisins,
Raisins! - Yeah,
Oh man, I have such a complicated relationship with raisins right now,
What do you mean you have a-- What does that even mean?
Everybody likes raisins,
No, it's like a,,,
There's just a thing that,,,
If you tell me that you don't love raisins right now,,,
I meant, I like this raisin right now,
I don't like,,,
like not in a cookie or something,
Why not? Like oatmeal raisin? You don't like that?
Yeah, like why would you ruin a perfectly good cookie
by putting raisins in it?
Yeah, but what about like,,,
What about chocolate covered strawberries?
Good separate, Parallel universes,
Never intersecting, like,,, - OH MY GOD,
It's like once you cross the chocolate fruit line,
and you actually put the fruit in the chocolate,
the chocolate is like ruined of all its integrity,
And the fruit, it kind of sucks,
Like an orange in chocolate?
Who puts orange in chocolate?
Everyone, - Dicks,
Dicks?
I had no idea that you were a crazy person,
You are the one who's crazy,
That you can turn that around so fast,
What are you talking about?
I've said nothing crazy,
You were in defense of raisins, and that is very thin ice,
I'm gonna pretend,,,
that you have said none of what you just said,,,
over the last minute to minute and a half,
All right, all right, Do it,
The fact that we can do yoga together and do handstands against an RV,,,
In a wheat field is pretty,,,
It makes a good travel buddy, - Yeah,
But seriously,
I will say,,,
I feel lucky that we broke down here,
As crazy as that sounds,
Like relatively speaking,
I feel lucky to be sharing this
with you,
You are-- You are awesome, and,,,
You're awesome,
Thank you, but I'm being serious,
Seriously,
Look, you are,,,
You're like everything that I,,,
,,, am looking for,
Like I,,,
I think,,, I'm,,,
I'm crazy about you,
I'm,,,
I don't know, I'm,,, I'm,,,
kind of in love with you,
What are you doing?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I don't know,
DON'T DO THAT!
It was like, this is awesome,,,
Married person!
You're awesome,
You're an awesome married person,
Why would you say that? - I don't know, dude!
You were bummed out and this is great,
I know, but now I'm bummed out way more!
Way more,
Look, I misread you,
I misread the situation,
I apologize, I'm sorry,
It's okay, Just like,,, don't--
No, it's not okay,
It's okay to me, I can take it,
Just don't fuckin' do that to people, It's not,,,
I'm gonna go,,,
I'm gonna go walk back around, - Come on,
No, it's fine, I'm just,,,
I'm just gonna go walk her, Walk it out,
Take a stroll,
(Exhales)
(Music)
Hi,
Hi, What's happening?
We,,, busted a fan belt,
And basically,,,
like overheated and broke down in the middle of nowhere,
Well, where are you?
We're like in the middle of a fuckin' wheat field,
We're in a field of wheat,
And this mechanic came,,,
And he said that the fan belt broke,,,
because it was really old,,,
and it should have been replaced,
You gave all these lectures about safety,
and how important it was to make sure
that everything was all ship shape and ready to go,
And now,,,
Do you see what I'm,,?
Upset about?
Yeah, I mean, Fan belts break, That's what they do,
They,,, they stay together until they break,
And you can't avoid every situation,
Stuff just breaks sometimes,
You just deal with it,
That's not good enough,
You mis-managed,
It's got to be, I didn't mis-manage anything,
I,,, I,,, I did my part,
Really? Because I'm,,,
Yeah, What do you want?
Besides taking it to the guy who knows and having him look at it?
I want you to do what you say you're gonna do and do a good job of it,
Is this what it's gonna be like when we have a kid?
Am I just gonna be like on the side of the fuckin' road with a baby totally by myself?
Figure it out,
By myself while you're doing something more interesting?
No, no no,
You took the RV to a bad mechanic who fucked it up,
That's not fair,
And then you put our lives in danger,
And then you won't just at the very least say, "I'm sorry",
And I'm like left alone,
stranded on the side of the FUCKING road,
with like FIVE people looking to me,
I didn't put this fucking thing together,
I didn't even fucking want to get this RV,
and you fucking asked me if we could,,,
You wanted to get it! You wanted to do this! You decided to do it!
You committed to it,
You committed us to a fucking public party tour up the fucking coast,
And then you got an offer you couldn't refuse, and you fucking bailed on me,
I didn't bail on you, We discussed it,
We decided together to do it,
You decided that you wanted to do it, I said we could cancel it,
And saying that I'm an irresponsible father
before we even have a kid is totally unfair and unreasonable,
Okay, well,,,
It feels to me a lot like I'm fucking cleaning up your mess again,
Well I know that things feel to you like that all the time,
And you didn't do your job,
It feels to you like that
because you're having to actually take responsibility for it,
Okay, I am gonna take responsibility for it,
Me and the Children of the Corn are gonna go fucking deal with your mess,
I'll talk to you later,
(Music)
(Car starting)
I know you're on the road,
but I just wanted to remind you that we start ovulating this Thursday,
I had a dream that you had a little boy,
and I had a little girl, and they were--
Baby,
My little sweet baby,
My little doll baby,
Where's your bell?
Where's your bell on this dog?
You've got to have a bell,
If you don't have a bell,,,
He could get out in the street,
My dogs always had bells,
I always knew where they were,
Got to get this doggy a bell, Right, baby?
(Inaudible)
Just pretend you're listening to me,
Just get him bell,
And then you'll never have to worry about him,
And then also, do you give him carrots?
He loves carrots, I'll bet,
Do you love carrots? Yes, I know you do,
Does your momma give you carrots?
She's tried carrots before, But she doesn't,,,
There's no need for you to, you know,,,
I've really had a lot of experience,
And I know what's right for a dog,
A dog needs a bell,
You know, we didn't have kids,
We've only given birth to dogs,
And they are our children,
They're the most wonderful thing that ever happened in our life,
And not everybody has to have children,
It's a wonderful thing to have
beautiful little fur people
in our lives,
Now all our dogs are dead,
But it's still been a wonderful life,
Bye bye,
My ex-wife comes in on the second truck
that I have bought her,
looks me dead in the eye, and says,
"Honey, I can't get it started,"
Brand new truck,
No, idiot had my keys,
To my car,
Tell you what, sometimes women are-- oh hey darling,
How are you? - Hi,
So let's do this,
We got the fan belt, That came in, no problem,
Price check on that,
Mauricio coming in,
Yeah,
Looks like we are all squared away
and ready to go,
Thank you so much, We really appreciate it,
Definitely, you know, - Thank you,
I like the little thing you got going on here, Pretty fun,
No, I'm glad you got to see it, - Yeah,
You guys are gonna have to do a stop back through when you're back this way,
For sure, - I had a quick question,
Yes darling? What's going on?
This says that the total is $1537,00, - Right,
Sure, We'll just do $1500 if you guys want to,
That'll be fine,
But we had,,,
We had agreed,,,
That $500 was the rate for it to be,,,
Yeah, like when you quoted us, you said $500,
That is,,, I see exactly where you're coming from, - Yeah,
So the ESTIMATE ORIGINALLY,,,
for the issue at hand was 500 bucks,
Then you got to tack on time and labor,
And Mauricio, he had to close his shop down,
So, you see where it comes from,
It all just kind of adds up, - Yeah,,,
It's little things here and there,
But I mean, you knew that,
I'm actually cutting you a deal, so,,,
I figured we'd just pay now,
and we won't have to worry about it,
But you see what I'm saying, right?
Because you knew that he had to come,,, - Oh I see what you're saying,
From two counties over, - I see,
I'm just like,,, - HEY!
I SAID I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
NOW YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING,
Let me tell you what's fair and even,
The gun that I've got in the back of my car right now,
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S FAIR AND EVEN,
MY BROTHER, THE SHERIFF
DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK
WHOSE BODY HE FINDS,
I think we should just relax, because--
I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,
YOU BETTER STOP THINKING AND PUT YOUR GOD DAMN HANDS DOWN,
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE PANSY ASS BITCH GIRLFRIEND HERE
COMING IN TRYING TO FUCK ME AROUND?
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW,
YOU DON'T HAVE 1500 BUCKS?
HOW ABOUT TEN GRAND?
I'LL HAVE YOUR PIECE OF SHIT HERE IMPOUNDED,
TOWED, AND STUCK IN MY GARAGE
AND HELD FOR, OH I DON'T KNOW,
A THOUSAND DOLLARS A DAY,
I'LL TAKE OFF THE FAN BELT THAT'S MINE,
AND I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU WITH IT, HOW ABOUT THAT?
Okay, okay, Just relax,
YOU PUT YOUR GOD DAMN HANDS DOWN,
I'll bet you've got $1500 now, don't you?
I suggest,,,
you reach into those little FAGGOT pants you got,,,
find your wallet,,,
and cut me a check for 1500 dollars
before it starts going up,
Okay,
(Sighs)
Why don't we just,,,
You want me to give you a credit card?
Credit card would be JUST fine,
Just fine indeed,
There you go,
Be right back,
(Music)
Bat Girl,
(Inaudible)
(Music)
Bat Girl, can you take me home?
Bat Girl, can you say "I'm sorry,"?
Bat Girl, can you say "I love you,"?
(Sniffles)
Bat Girl,
Have I wasted my life,
You love me, little dog,
I love you too,
(Music)
(Ringing)
Hi, What's happening?
Hi dad,
You okay?
Yeah, I had a bad day,
What's up?
Just fucking broke down in the middle of nowhere,
And fucking got in a fight with everyone
that's close to me,
Did anyone get hurt?
No, I just mostly feel like an asshole,
Oh come on now,
Well, what happened?
Seriously?
I went to,,,
do something great that makes the world a better place,,,
And instead,,,
I pushed the people that loved me away,
Can you just back up a bit?
You know, take a look at what's going on,
and focus on,,,
what it is that you want to do,
If your life is like mine,
if you have a kid,
you'll find out
what the really most important thing in life is,
What it means, to,,, you know,
Have a purpose, so,,,
And all you got to do is just back up,
So what's important for you at this point
is just to do what you want to do,
(Exhales)
I love you, dad,
Give me your card,
It's right there in my bag,
Yeah hi,
I want to cancel a charge because of fraudulent vendor activity,
Yeah, Thanks,
Alex,
I totally fucked-- - Hey,
Are you okay?
It didn't stick,
I just,,,
I wish like, it's not that I wanted everything to work out,
I just wish, like, anything worked out,
I'm sorry,
I really like kids,
I really wanted a kid,
No, I know that you really wanted that,
And I know that you spend a shitload of money on it,
I don't know,
My only financial plan after I spent all that money on IVF
is like identity theft,
I'm thinking about like putting my purse out,
and hoping someone steals it,
Maybe I can just start over,
That's a really shitty plan,
(Inaudible)
I'm just gonna have to go back to anthropomorphizing my poor dog,
How are you?
Yeah, Everything's fine,
Over here,
Feel better,
(Music)
Bunny, I'm sorry that,,,
I got totally pissed off at you,,,
and you're like the hardest working,,,
most loyal legendary rockstar friend that I've ever had,
And I'm super sorry,
For lashing out at you,
I'm sorry that I overslept,
and ruined your big morning,
I know that was really important to you,
I fuckin' saw,,,
my Ghost of Christmas Future,
Should I continue making
poor relationship and fashion decisions,
and I,,,
misaligned my priorities,
Temporarily,
You're way more important to me than any journalist,
regardless of their news affiliation,
Well,,,
Your misaligned priorities
did push me into town,
which helped me,,,
do a little self-discovery of my own,
Which I've now,,,
cracked the case of why I've been oversleeping
and in a perpetual state of hangover,
I'm pregnant,
Whoa,
Fuck! What are you gonna do?
Well I certainly don't want to keep it,
I,,,
due to the grand powers of the world wide web,,,
have tracked down a Planned Parenthood
and they're willing to fit me in in the morning,
if you'd be able to drop me off,
Yeah, We can totally do that,
But is that what you actually want?
I mean, Do you want to,,,
fly home, or,,,
No, I don't want to go home,
That sounds awful,
I don't want this to interrupt my life,
I just,,,
I don't even really want this in my life,
I just want to deal with it, and move on,
I did think,,,
that when I get home, however,,,
I would like to set up an appointment with my doctor
and talk to her about getting my tubes tied,
Are you serious?
I don't want to have kids,
You're supposed to have kids,
I was never supposed to have kids,
It's the one thing in my life that I've always known,
You know?
And I want to do it,
Do you want me to come with you?
(Laughing)
I would love for you to come with me,
Okay,
How did,,,
How did you bang someone?
Without me knowing?
My vagina works in mysterious ways,
(Music)
Hi,
Oh, baby, What's going on?
Our RV broke down,
Oh,
And then this angry redneck man took like $1500 of our money to fix our generator,
Oh no,
And fucking,,, then I got in a fight with Chaz,
In a field of wheat, - Oh no,
And I like,,,
I feel like I'm not cut out for long term,,,
,,, relationships,
That's probably true, Yeah, - Oh no!
But you know,
you could go back to being single again,
That was fun, right? - Oh my god,
Start working out,
Start going out again, Yeah,
No? Yeah, marriage is,,,
the worst,,,
Except compared to everything else, All your other options,
Come on in,
We can solve this, Take a shower,
Have some dinner,
WHOA! Hi monkey!
OH YEAH!
You want to go? Okay!
Listen, I am your sister,
And I love you,
And I know things,
And right now I know you need to go the fuck to sleep,
So,,, lie down,,,
take off those filthy clothes,,,
and rest up,,,
because we're gonna have an awesome party at my store this weekend,
(Music)
(Running water)
Hey, this is Chaz, Leave a message,
Hi Chaz,
I'm in New York City,
I'm at my sister Flora's house,
She's having that big party on Saturday,
and I wish you could come,
I did have a little bit of a realization
of what's been spooking me so much
about parenthood,
And it's that,,,
By having kids, I'd be,,,
,,, ruining my life,
Like, in terms of,,,
you know,,,
sleep deprivation and cleaning up puke,,,
and being responsible for someone else all the time,
A lot of the same things,,,
,,, that running a karaoke RV entails,
And I want that,
I like having a lot of responsibility in a difficult situation,
I feel like I'm,,,
gonna love having a kid with you,,,
and I think I'm ready to,,,
Message erased,
To record a message, press '1',
To send a message, press '2',
Seriously?
(Music)
This is a white sangria,
White sangria with winter rosemary,
And if you'd want grenadine or (Inaudible),
(Music)
Oh my god,
I feel so awesome not to be hosting a party,
Yeah, I mean,,,
If you're the host of the party,
you're responsible for everybody else's emotions,
But when you're at the party,
you've just got to take care of you,
Yeah, - Yeah,
Well,,,
You want to start taking care of you?
Yeah!
Good one,
Yeah,
Thank you, - You're welcome,
It feels so good to take a break,
Why? What have you been doing?
Are you taking a break from high finance or,,?
No, Like the opposite of that,
I've been running a karaoke RV,
A karaoke RV?
That's a stupid thing to complain about, I guess,
Like the RVIP Lounge thing?
Are you-- is? - Yeah,
You do the RVIP Lounge?
Yeah!
The thing that drives around, like south by southwest?
(Inaudible)
You know, drives them around for the night of their life?
That's you? - YES,
Oh my god, That is so cool! I love that thing!
I've been following you for a while,
How,,, did you know about us?
(Snorts)
Dude, I work with this woman,
And she's hated me since college,
This is messed up, I'm sorry this had to happen,
But like, I pitched a story about you guys,
And she spiked my story,
She did it, and then she spiked it,
I was like, "What's going on? This would be great!"
This is great personal interest, It's really fun,
And,,,
You know, I've moved on,
I,,, You,,,
You wouldn't want to do a segment? Because,,,
I got my,,,
I got my mic here,
And in my car, I got my SSD recording device,
And, you know, It would be great, I mean,,,
I'm only on Miss America now,
I'm not on All Things Considered anymore,
And I think Ira would love it,
And I think it would make for a really great piece,
Yeah,
Like, I want this,
But,,,
It somehow feels wrong,
I can't believe I'm fucking saying this, right now,
Fair enough,
I feel like we are taking ourselves too seriously
and I kind of just need to get fucked up tonight,
Yeah, well,,,
I got the thing, Check this out,
Alright, so let's take this up a notch, I got,,,
(Inaudible)
Be careful, because there's a hangover in this bottle,
I'm trying to get a hangover tomorrow!
Okay, well here's one with floral notes,
Oh my goodness, Thank you so much,
Oh yeah, it's like burning hibiscus,
It's great,
Thank you,
Here's to burning hibiscus,
(Exhales)
(Music)
I missed you a lot,
I missed you too,
I'm sorry,
It's okay,
I'm sorry,
It's okay, baby,
I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you when you needed me,
I cried in the middle of a deserted street,
On multiple occasions,
I believe that,
I watched Arrested Development all the way through like three times,
Oh you did?
It was pathetic,
I emptied septic tanks,
and just smelled like shit,
It was shit,
It was everywhere,
I just did nothing for days at a time,
I held my head back like a baby and cried,
I missed you so much,
I really missed you,
I,,,
considered the proposal for the project,
And,,,
I would love to work with you,
On it,
Okay, - Okay,
Which project?
Special family project,
Really?
Like, when do you want to start?
Fuckin' right now,
Okay,
(Music)
(Inaudible)
Road trips represent the American dream in a capsule,
And you expect,
as every American does,
for that to change you,
And then it starts to drag,
And it starts to feel longer,
We get tired, We get hungry,
You don't get fed when you want to get fed,
You don't get a chance to sleep when you want to go to sleep,
And pretty soon you start to lose perspective,
You're becoming,,, comfortable with the idea
that you're not gonna find out
what you got on the road to find out in the first place,
You knew that going in,
And, still,,,
We all still bind to the clichÃ© about road trips,
That this is what a road trip stands for,
Is hope,
As somewhere down here, on the road,,,
I will turn into the person I want to be,
I'll turn into the person
I believe I could be,
To hasten the journey,
we bring now an hour of public radio
on today's program, Road Trip,
Act 1: Transport-tainment
(Music)
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