(liquid pours)
(clink)
(projector reel clicking)
(projector reel whirring)
(choir singing in foreign language)
(thunder rumbling)
(choir singing in foreign language)
- [Narrator] The man, Adonis,
His exquisite, picturesque body was so attractive,
it brought notice to the Goddess of Love, Aphrodite,
(thunder crashes) (swords clanking)
Aries, the God of War, (horse whinnying)
Violence and power were his modus operandi,
which is why Aries's love for Aphrodite
soon turned into a bitter jealousy
when he heard of the goddess's ongoing affair with Adonis,
(choir singing in foreign language)
One day, while Adonis (ominous music)
was out for a hunt, Aries disguised himself
as a wild boar (boar grunting)
and brutally murdered the young man,
And where Adonis's blood was spilt,
there sprung forth the anemone flower, coated in red,
signifying the god's love of beauty in creation,
beauty in death, and beauty in new life,
carrying forth Adonis's mortal form
as a body of gods, (woman shrieks)
- [Woman] Please, someone help me,
Oh, help please!
(sobbing)
Somebody help me, please!
Help me!
Help me out please!
Please help me!
Help me!
(lighthearted music)
¶ Jonesie married Mabel ¶
¶ A wise old owl was he ¶
¶ He told his wife he never drank ¶
¶ A stronger thing than tea ¶
¶ But after honeymooning ¶
¶ At night he stayed away ¶
¶ And for a week he never got home ¶
¶ Till the break of day ¶
¶ At last poor Mabel asked the reason why ¶
¶ Said Jones, I'm going to tell the truth or die ¶
¶ Baby dear, listen here ¶
¶ I'm afraid to come home in the dark ¶
¶ Every day the papers say ¶
¶ A robbery in the park ¶
¶ So I sat alone in the YMCA ¶
¶ Singing just like a lark ¶
¶ There's no place like home ¶
¶ But I couldn't come home in the dark ¶
¶ She kissed him good morning ¶ (ominous music)
¶ To see him she was glad ¶
¶ And when she tucked him up in bed ¶
¶ He said I guess I'm bad ¶
¶ Next day, the same old story ¶
¶ He came home just at dawn ¶
¶ But he got sober right away ¶
¶ When he found she was gone ¶
¶ At noon he heard her slam the garden gate ¶
¶ Said she to Jonesie, is my hat on straight ¶
(man whoops)
¶ Baby dear, listen here ¶
¶ I'm afraid to come home ¶ (dramatic tense music)
(metal clanging)
(eerie music)
(choir singing in foreign language)
(ax thudding)
¶ Like your cell phone ¶
¶ As you're softly drifting off to sleep ¶
¶ Well, the NyQuil left you dreaming with the lights on ¶
(birds chirping)
- This looks cool,
- Yeah?
- (chuckles) Yeah,
I gotta pee,
(trunk door thuds) (keypad beeping)
(door rattling)
(phone ringing)
(birds chirping)
- [Tad] Hi, this is Tad,
- Hey, Tad, this is Sam--
- [Tad] Sorry I missed you,
I'm sure our conversation would've been
a delight, - Gotta be kidding me,
- [Tad] Leave me a message
and I'll get back to you
as soon as humanly possible, (Sam sighs)
- Hi, this is Sam with the--
(voicemail beeps)
(sighs) Hi, this is Sam Hagen,
We just got to the rental property,
The access code you've given us is not working,
Please gimme a call back,
- Any luck? (Sam sighs)
(cell phone chimes)
(Avery sighs)
- Hmm,
Already tried that,
(cell phone bloops)
(cell phone chimes)
(keypad beeping)
(door creaking)
What?
- [Avery] Finally,
(ominous music)
- I tried that the first time,
- [Avery] Maybe the customer isn't always right,
- [Sam] Oh, ha ha,
(door slams)
- Ooh, there's a fireplace,
(Sam yawns) That'll be fun,
(scoffs) Where is the damn squatter?
- [Sam] Maybe there isn't one?
- [Avery] Oh my gosh, if it's an outhouse,
(Sam chuckles) I swear,,,
- [Sam] Well, you remember the last place, right?
- [Avery] What?
Oh, with the fleas,
- The fleas, (Avery chuckles)
- With the fleas! - The fleas!
Fleas! - Flee the fleas,
(chuckles)
- [Sam] And it's no wonder that Cory got such a good deal,
- [Avery] Found it!
(door creaks) - I'm gonna text them,
see what the plan is,
(cell phone bloops)
(cell phone buzzes)
(suspenseful music)
Huh,
- Boo! (loud thudding)
(Sam gasps) (Avery laughing)
- Shit,
Why?
- It's just so easy - Why would you do that?
- (chuckling) every time,
- (sighs) I hate you so much,
(tense music)
- [Avery] Do you think we can get Cory
to go skinny-dipping in the lake?
- [Sam] He's, like, naked 90% of the time, so,,,
- He is in a major naked phase,
- [Sam] Yeah,
- Wow, - Which is usually reserved
for like five-year-olds, but,,,
- [Avery] (laughs) And Cory,
- So,,, - Well?
- So?
- Head to toe, or?
- Ooh, but then our things would still be correlating,
- No, we'll go hole-to-hole,
B-hole, B-hole,
- [Avery] (laughing) B,
Yeah, I think - What?
- [Avery] I'm gonna still say no,
- Nothing can happen,
It's just butts, (Avery chuckles)
Just butts,
- [Avery] My butt likes its own bed, thank you,
- Well, my butt gets lonely, all right?
(Avery laughs)
- [Avery] Okay, bye,
- All right,
Fine, I'll take the master anyway,
- There's a master?
(mellow folk music)
¶ Well, cheap firecrackers ¶ - Feel like I should be
speaking with a beret on,
- Yeah, I know, - I just feel so French
whenever I drink wine,
- [Avery] And you just look good in a beret,
- [Sam] Thank you,
I've thought so, too, yeah, (Avery giggling)
Kinda looks like a big boob, (Avery chuckles)
- You know what I was thinking about?
Remember MC Mister E from college?
- No, (Avery laughing)
That doesn't ring a bell,
- I think you do,
- (chuckling) No, - Yeah,
- No, I can't, I can't,
- Pretty please?
- No,
- Please, - Come on,
You're gonna do the cat thing? - Come on,
- Okay, - Yeah,
- (inhales) All right,
- I just wanna see MC, - I'll do it,
Just give me a sec,
- Okay,
(Sam exhales) (Avery giggles)
- Gotta get into character,
- Mmm hmm, of course,
- So, I've got this car, right?
- (giggling) Right,
- And I don't get why you're laughin',
It's very serious, - I'm sorry,
I got it very, I'm sorry,
- So, I've got this car and it's pretty cool, I guess,
I've heard that you need one to sort of compensate
for certain endowments or lack thereof, so--
- (chuckling) Do you mean like your penis size?
- Yeah, (Avery laughs)
Just one of many Mister E's many insecurities,
- That's so weird because in most of your songs,
you sound so confident,
- Mmm hmm, yeah,
- Like, what's that one song?
- "Golf Club Dick," (Avery laughs)
Yeah,
- How does that go again?
- Um, let's see,
Um,,,
¶ Uh, uh, yeah ¶
¶ I got a golf club dick ¶
¶ It hooks to the left ¶
¶ I got a golf club dick ¶
¶ You wanna hole in one ¶
¶ I got a hole in fun ¶
¶ 'Cause I got a golf club dick in ¶
(chuckles) It just does that for like 10 more minutes,
(Avery laughs)
It does that over and over again,
- And it's the longest song,
- It is super long,
- (chuckling) It's such a good song,
- Okay, - Thank you for that,
- Yeah,
All right, let's see what we got here,
"Body of Gods, an exploration of Greek artistry,
"The perfect body and the minds that sculpted them,"
- That sounds like my kind of flick,
- [Sam] The sequel's better,
- (chuckles) Is that the only movie?
- Yeah, that's literally it,
- (laughing) Oh,
(Sam sighs) Okay,
Hey,
There's something I have been meaning to ask you,
- The answer is yes, I brought you here to murder you,
- (chuckling) Shut up,
I am serious,
Um,,,
Was it about me?
- Come on, is this like a Q and A or something?
- Okay, this isn't an interview,
I just wanna know,
You know, lines in it were actual conversations
that we have had,
Especially from that morning,
(Sam sighs)
- Look,
Yes,
The play was about you,
At least a lot of it was,
But that's just art, you know?
I take stuff from my life, from my point of view,
- Yeah, but it didn't happen to you,
- That night was, uh, scary,
I know especially for you
but for both of us,
I made sure nothing happened,
- You don't know that,
- I love you,
I have loved you
since we were stupid college freshmen
and I thought if we got here before Becca and Cory,
we could talk about it,
(sighs)
(Sam scoffs)
I knew it,
- Sam, if you-- - No, no, no,
I'm not doing that,
I'm not doing the whole inside joke thing with you anymore,
I can't (sighs) talk to you about your problems
that you're having with these other guys,
(Sam scoffs)
I'm done,
(Sam sighs)
(loud knocking) (tense music)
- Who the hell was that?
- I don't know,
- Aren't Becca and Cory coming tomorrow?
- That's what they said, but you know how they are,
(crickets chirping) (door creaking)
(sighs)
(metal clanging) Oh!
God,
Can I help you?
- Sir, I thought your car lights were on,
I wasn't sure if you guys were in,
Welcome to the home,
(chuckles)
I'm Tad,
- Oh, shit, man,
Scared me,
- (chuckles) I got you, man,
- You owner, right?
- That's right, yeah, yeah,
I'm sorry about the door code confusion,
It can be a real bitch,
(laughing)
(Sam chuckles)
- Yeah, man, no worries,
(sighs)
You live out here?
- In the woods,
Yeah, I'm a big-time minimalist,
- Oh, cool,
Well, I'm gonna-- - The body needs
very little when you treat it properly,
- Right, yeah, that makes sense,
- Well, I just wanted to welcome you to the home,
Amenities and everything should be taken care of,
- Yeah, man,
It's, uh, it's all good,
- It's all good,
(clicks tongue)
All right,
Good night,
- What the fuck?
(door slams)
(Avery sighs)
(eerie music)
(metal clanging)
(eerie music)
(Sam whistling)
(machine whirring faintly)
(machine whirring)
What's going on, man?
Hey!
- I'm sorry, did I wake you up?
(crickets chirping)
I apologize,
Did I awaken you?
- What are you doing in here?
- My god,
I'm sorry, I totally woke you up,
I figured I could just get in here, you know,
get out quickly enough without being noticed,
Oh boy,
- Sure,
- Tell me I didn't wake up your wife,
- No, she's not-- - Girlfriend,
Weekend getaway,
- Nope, she's just a friend,
- (laughs) Hilarious,
- All right, good night,
- My wife and I were friends for a long time,
Long time,
Then one weekend, I brought her out here
and I spilled my guts to her,
I mean, just like, you know,
And it took her a bit,
But she took my guts,
We've been going strong ever since,
But it takes time, you know,
Smoothie?
(blender whirring) (serene choral music)
- [Woman] Help me!
Help me!
(Sam grunts) (birds chirping)
(Sam grunts)
(tense music)
(Sam grunts)
(metal clanging)
- [Avery] Jesus,
- Attaboy, Sam
I like what I'm seeing, kid,
(Sam grunts) Whoo!
You're a monster, man,
I love what I'm seeing, (Sam grunts)
Man, now, let's go, sensei, (singing foreign language)
Let's go, Sam, (Sam grunting)
Push it, baby,
Push it, brother, let's go,
You're the man,
How you doin', huh?
How you're real fam, let's go, keep pushing,
keep pushing, keep pushing,
Let's go, it feels so good, man, let's go,
Yeah, let's go, keep driving,
You're doing so good,
I'm proud of you, Sam, I'm proud of you,
Go, come on, keep fighting, babe, let's go,
Come on, push, push a little bit, Sam, let's go!
Come on, Sam, let's go, come on,
Sam, don't quit,
Don't quit, let's go, come on,
- I got some coffee,
- I can't-- - Sam, god, you are able
to do so much more with this
than this will ever tell you, all right?
I get it, let's, uh, we'll take five, okay?
Get a little breather, (Sam panting)
- [Sam] Thanks so much,
- You must be Tad, I'm Avery,
Coffee?
- (chuckles) You trying to kill me, Ave?
- (chuckles) No,
- Then why are you offering me poison?
Sorry, I just prefer not to choke my brain and my organs
from oxygen just for a little caffeine kick,
(chuckles)
- Okay, more for us,
- Seriously, Sam, be careful, man,
We got like an hour left,
- (panting) No, no, no, no, no,
I don't think I can do that,
(chuckles)
I'm just gonna enjoy my coffee, poison and all,
- Right, (chuckles)
of course, yeah,
My wife,
my wife says I do this all the time
where I never shut up with all my theories
on the body,
Well, I guess I'm just,
I'm a health nut,
(chuckles)
- Oh, hey, Tad,
I was wondering about that extra room,
We have some more friends coming and I just thought it--
- Thought it was just the four of you,
(tense music) - Yeah, no,
Sam and I just each have our own room, so,,,
- Well, rental guidelines clearly state
that the homeowner needs prior information
to each additional guest,
so this is highly unprofessional, Ave,
- No, no, it's the same amount of guests,
- It's too much!
(birds chirping)
(exhales)
Oh, my stars,
(chuckling)
Got the post-workout jitters
Oh, man,
(exhales) Well, Sam, making you work out on your vacation,
I'm very sorry,
I'm just gonna be on my way,
Leave you two alone for a bit,
Ave, thanks so much for offering the hot poison,
Just kidding, of course,
All right, well, ta-ta,
(laughing)
- The guy is a psycho, Ave,
- (scoffs) Clearly,
Geez,
It's like Professor Nigel,
(giggles)
- Oh, yes, yes,
Oh, Ave,
- Actually, sir, it's Avery,
- Don't interrupt me, Ave,
Don't do it,
(both chuckling)
(Avery chuckles)
- Avery, about last night--
- Sam, don't,
It was totally my fault,
I shouldn't have said anything,
I'm sorry, - It was just dumb
and I had too much to drink and--
- Sam, you really don't have to say--
- I didn't mean it,
(tense music)
- You didn't?
- Yeah, you know, I do that with girls sometimes,
the whole drink too much and share all your feelings and,,,
I just don't want anything to hurt our friendship,
- Yeah,
Yeah, of course,
We have too good a thing going, Mister E,
- Exactly,
(ominous music)
(man screaming)
(men shouting) (gunfire popping)
- [Becca] What about this?
- Oh, looks good, babe,
- [Becca] I don't know,
It doesn't feel very lake-like,
- How do you mean?
- [Becca] Huh?
Huh, babe?
- (sighs) How do you mean?
- [Becca] I don't know, like lake-like, like wintertime,
Like, I wanna feel like lake-y,
- Hmm,
- What about this one?
- Is that the same thing?
- [Becca] No, it's pink,
- Oh, um, well, you're beautiful,
- [Becca] You're sweet,
- [Cory] So, ready to go?
- [Becca] One second,
(eerie music)
(door thuds)
- Well, great,
- [Becca] What's up?
- [Cory] Oh, just Sam being Sam,
- Still with the Avery stuff?
- Oh, it's always with the Avery stuff,
Well, you ready for the best/longest
road trip of our lives?
All right,
- Sorry, babe,
- Oh, no sweat,
(engine rumbling)
(water sloshing)
- [Avery] Would you ever leave the city and live out here?
- [Sam] Join some small-town theater?
- Write on a typewriter?
- (chuckles) Yeah, I did that once,
- (chuckling) You did?
And what, you weren't hipster enough?
- No, I just immediately realized
why computers were invented, (Avery chuckles)
- I was just thinking about Instagramming this,
- Come on,
- [Avery] Okay,
- Oarsman,
(Avery chuckles) Pro oarsman,
(shutter clicks)
- What do you think?
- Oh, new prof pic,
(both chuckling)
- Oh my god,
(tense music)
- Hey, guys!
- God, does this guy stop?
- Says the guy who was working out with him this morning,
- I felt bad for him,
He started talking about his wife
and he's got a super sad story,
- [Avery] Hmm,
(ominous drumming music)
- Suppie,
I'm just getting in a quick three-mile row,
- Geez, dude,
- Yeah, yeah,
Gotta stay strong, you know,
You never know what's out there, so,
- Yup,
- What are you guys doing out here, though, for real?
- Just hangin', (ominous music)
- Yeah, it just reminds me of when my wife got sick,
She used to come out here and sit, you know,
(choir singing faintly)
- Is your wife still out here with you?
- You guys ever play Rock the Boat?
- (chuckles) Uh, not since summer camp,
- (chuckling) Summer camp?
Come on, man,
(oar thuds) - Whoa, all right,
- Come on, get me, Sam,
- [Sam] No,
- No, it's fun, just play this,
(laughs)
- Stop,
- Be a man, Sam!
Come on, rock the boat! - We don't wanna play,
Tad, stop!
Hey, Tad, - Not cool, man, stop,
- Rock the boat!
- Stop it, stop it! (Tad laughing)
What the hell!
- No, stop!
(Avery screams) (water splashes)
(gasps)
- What the hell?
I just thought the dude was a little off,
- Well, did you see his arms?
- No?
- Dude, it's covered in heroin scars,
(suspenseful music) - No way,
- Yeah,
Doctor Health Nut won't drink coffee
but he'll dig deep into the black tar,
- (scoffs) God, that would explain things,
- Maybe if we just chill until Becca and Cory get here,
he'll leave us alone,
- [Sam] (sighs) Good call,
- [Avery] (scoffs) I swear, if I have to buy a new phone,,,
- [Man On Audiobook] It was on a dreary night of November
that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils,
With an anxiety that almost amounted to agony,
I collected the instruments of life around me
that I might infuse a spark of being
into the lifeless thing that lay at my feet,
- Okay, can we do something else?
- [Becca] You don't like this?
- [Cory] It's not that I don't like it,
I just really, really hate it,
- [Becca] Fine,
- [Cory] I'm sorry,
I looked into the dull, yellow eye of the creature
and beheld-- - How much longer?
- [Cory] Mmm, not much,
- [Becca] God, I have to potty,
- Think you can hold it for another four hours?
- [Becca] Oh, yeah, totally,
- Cool, cool, cool,
It was almost one in the morning
when they arrived at the house
and Cory was already dead from complete boredom,
- [Becca] It's a good book,
- Cory 100% disagreed,
(Becca scoffs)
It's a pretty good impression,
You laughed,
Or at least pity-laughed,
Hold my hand? (serene choral music)
¶ Ave Maria ¶
(singing in a foreign language)
- [Narrator] As the god creates,
so the sculptor sculpts,
portraying through his art the idea
of a god in the body
or the perfect body,
the artist emulating the god's essence,
a resurrection of the spirit in the stone,
getting across in one way or another,
life after death,
This is the true artist objective,
- [Avery] I feel like I'm really high right now,
- [Sam] God, at least make this a little more interesting,
(Avery chuckles)
- [Narrator] Now are brought back to life
(knocking loudly) in a way they hadn't
been before,
- [Avery] God, I hope that's Becca and Cory,
- [Sam] Would you get it?
I can't even move right now,
(Avery chuckles)
(choir singing in foreign language)
(door creaking) (eerie music)
- [Avery] Tad,
- Ave,
(sighs) I can't tell you how horrid I feel about earlier,
- [Avery] Yeah, I mean, hopefully it's nothing terrible,
- Just horrid,
(chuckling) Horrid,
- Uh, thank you,
It's okay, though, seriously,
- No,
I did a bad thing, all right?
And I'm not gonna feel at peace until I do a good one,
- Tad, honestly, thank you so much for your apology
but we'll just chalk it up to a silly game,
I promise you it's okay,
- Let me cook you two dinner, (birds chirping)
- We're just trying to enjoy our vacation,
- Oh,
(chuckling)
Of course, right,
I need to get my, uh, need to get my rude oil checked,
(squeaking)
'Cause I am rude,
(laughs) (Avery chuckles)
Oh, man,
- [Avery] Uh, no worries though, really,
We'll just go somewhere in town,
- Oh, no, (tense music)
No, seriously, there's nothing nearby
worth checking out whatsoever,
(food sizzling) (wine sloshing)
(utensils clinking)
- Well, hey,
Here is to us and our vacation,
(glasses clink)
So, do you eat this meal a lot?
- Well, ever since my wife
was diagnosed with rhabdomyolysis,
I'm pretty strategic with what I consume,
Have you two ever heard of rhabdo?
It's horrid,
It comes from overworking the muscles in your system,
Oh,
(clears throat)
You know anything about horses, Sam?
- Sure, I guess, - Horses, when they're
overworked or overrun, they just (fist slams) die,
Flat out, dead, (chuckles)
But humans, we are not horses,
No, see, we have this awesome ability in our minds
to push beyond our factory settings,
That's the beauty of the human spirit,
- And your wife?
(Tad sighs deeply)
- We didn't always get along,
Tad and Jan,
Best friends,
Prom king and queen,
Twice,
But you know how life goes,
Abuse, (tense music)
Verbal,
All from her,
I had to lash out a few times,
But then I discovered FitFree,
I mean, it was like fairy dust,
We started loving each other again,
We cared for each other again,
Give me your hands,
give me your hands,
Sam,
Now, hold each other's hands,
Ave,
Sam here told me everything,
(tense music)
The relationship,
The play,
The alleged attack,
(chuckles)
Don't be mad at Sam,
Don't be mad at Sam, okay?
I practically split him open this morning, all right?
I'm gonna split you open, too, okay?
But that's just what FitFree does,
It's just a part of the program,
Now, I believe that through fitness
and through eating right,
I can get the two of you to a place of oneness
that you didn't even think imaginable,
It's a very simple process but I can get you a discount,
(Avery chuckles)
What's so funny, Ave?
- I think this is a joke, right?
- Mmm, FitFree is not something to joke about,
- Yeah, no, you're right,
I'm sure,
I'm just amazed that you can ruin our phones,
our dinner, and our vacation
and you still try and sell your little Ponzi scheme
to some tenants,
- It is not a Ponzi scheme,
- Why would you tell him that?
- [Tad] Did you not like your supper?
- Yeah, Tad, what's next?
Vitamins and proteins that we need
to get our friends to sell?
- Vitamins are part of the tier one supplement package
but that's because I want you both to be healthy,
(fork clatters) - Just shut up, Tad!
- Avery,
- What?
(scoffs) Are you actually buying this?
Sam, he's cheating us,
Using your sad rejection to get you
to buy fucking milk powder,
(sighs)
- I gotta go,
Thanks for dinner, Tad,
- Sam, come on,
I'm just trying to make you see how stupid this is,
Sam,
(footsteps thumping)
(door slams)
- You offended Sam,
I'm disappointed in you, Ave,
- My name isn't Ave,
And who are you to be disappointed in me?
Or does your habit make you all high and mighty?
(Tad sighs)
- I wish you wouldn't drink so much,
(Avery chuckles)
Especially as a woman,
(tense music)
It's no surprise you were drugged,
- Excuse me?
What did you just say, Tad?
Do you even have a wife?
Or did she leave you 'cause you're a fucking junkie?
Leave us alone!
(eerie music)
(laptop bloops)
(metal clanging)
- (sighs) Whatever,
(eerie music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Man] Help me!
Help! (Avery gasps)
(panting)
(metal clanging)
(tense music)
(metal clanging) - This is restricted access,
- Oh, you scared me,
- Property owners are allowed to deny access
to any part of the home
so long as what's advertised is provided,
- I just thought I heard something,
- It's just my workout facility,
(eerie music)
You're a curious woman, huh, Ave?
Tell me, do you know how rhabdo works?
When a body is overworked, muscle mass breaks off
and it enters the bloodstream, causes immense pain,
blood in the urine, sometimes death,
(furniture thuds) Whoa, careful,
Rhabdo nearly killed Janet,
But through my personal sacrifice, she survived,
(metal clanging)
- Let go of me,
- We can be masters over death,
Don't you see the beauty?
(door clattering)
(suspenseful music)
(vase shatters)
(loud thudding) - Avery,
Are you okay? (Avery panting)
- It's Tad, (suspenseful music)
(light switch clicks)
(Avery breathing raggedly)
- What happened?
- He was aggressive, I don't know, high or something,
- Did he do anything to you?
- I heard noises in that room,
- [Sam] Are you sure?
- He was here, Sam,
- No, I know, it's just,,,
- He grabbed me, - I'm sorry,
(scoffs) Just stay here,
- Where are you going?
- [Sam] (sighs) Look for him, try to straighten things out,
- Sam, you don't have to-- - No,
I mean, what's he gonna do?
Work me out to death?
(eerie music)
(insects chirping)
(footsteps crunching)
Tad!
(suspenseful music)
(button clicking)
(insects chirping) (footsteps crunching)
(fire crackling)
(tense music)
(mallet thudding)
(Avery panting)
(door creaking)
(mallet scraping)
(light switch clicks)
(eerie chaotic music)
- Hello and welcome to FitFree with Tad and Janet,
This is Volume 237, all right?
Woo!
We've got a new recruit,
He's been coming along nicely
after dealing with a little emotional turmoil
from, you guessed it, a girl,
(laughing)
Janet couldn't be here today
but we're making a lot of progress,
So, let's get right to it,
These are military-style jumping jacks,
(upbeat electronic music)
(serene synth music)
The Etruscans, the Mesopotamians, the Aztecs,
all great societies that believed
that healthy blood is what equals a healthy soul,
These are burpees,
(phone bleeping)
I decided to make these videos as Jan recovers,
Jan, I love you, baby,
(sniffles)
Rhabdo ain't no thing,
Bicycle kicks!
(tense music)
- Oh, my god,
- Boo,
(chuckles)
Did I scare ya?
Well today, I am pretty excited
because we've got a very special guest,
(tense music) (chuckles)
Very, very, very special,
Wouldn't you say, huh?
You know, when they told us (insects chirping)
that she wasn't gonna make it,
well, little did they know, my baby's a fighter, a survivor,
That's my Janet,
So now, for the very first time since her fall forward
as we like to call it,
here's Janet!
(insects chirping)
- Avery?
(tense music)
Tad?
- She's, (chuckles) she's being a little shy,
(chuckles)
Nothing a little FitFree can't fix,
(syringe rustles)
Perfect,
(eerie choral music)
(insects chirping) (ominous music)
(tense music)
(Tad whistling)
(eerie pulsing music)
Ave? (Avery gasps)
I did a bad thing,
I just, I just wanted to come apologize,
Ave?
(glass crunching)
(door creaking)
Ave?
(door thuds) (eerie music)
Ave,
(bones crunch) (Tad groans)
(Tad shouting)
- [Avery] Sam,
Sam, Sam, wake up, wake up!
(Tad groaning)
(suspenseful music)
- [Tad] Avery!
(Avery panting)
Avery!
(Tad shouting)
- [Avery] Damn it,
(Tad shouting)
(dramatic music)
(Tad grunting)
Ave,
(Tad groaning)
- [Avery] Shit, shit,
Sam, Sam,
Shit,
(Tad coughing and groaning)
Shit, shit!
Damn it!
Oh!
(Avery gasps) (dart gun pops)
(Avery panting)
(Tad groaning)
(Tad shouting) (Avery grunting)
- [Tad] Ave!
Where are you going, Ave?
We need you!
Ave, where are you going?
Don't drink and drive, Ave!
Don't go anywhere, Ave!
(dart gun pops) (Avery whimpers)
(Avery panting)
- [Avery] Come on, come on, come on,
Shit!
I don't have time,
Shit,
(panting)
(insects chirping) (eerie music)
(choral singing in a foreign language)
(car doors thud)
- [Cory] You sure you're good to drive?
- [Becca] As long as you're not, I'm happy,
- [Cory] Rude,
- [Becca] Just wanna get there alive is all,
- [Cory] Well, I'll stay up with you,
- Hmm? (seat belt clicks)
(Cory snoring) (soft radio music)
Hey, wake up,
- [Cory] Hmm?
¶ Cory screams in silent dream alone ¶
(gear knob clicks)
- Oh, my god,
¶ Dirty sheets ¶
It's perfect,
¶ The keys behind the door ¶
(keys jingling)
Babe,
(grunts)
Grab the case here,
One, one, four, four, pound,
(door creaking)
- Interesting place,
- Yeah, should we find a room?
Oh, yeah,
This is the one,
- Shouldn't we see which one they want first?
- [Cory] No, we got here first,
- You don't think Sam will be mad?
- [Cory] Oh, whatever, he'll get over it,
(sighs)
- Didn't he want like a night alone with Avery?
- [Cory] Then he can take a canoe out on the lake
and they can talk there,
(Becca sighs) Come on,
- Good, 'cause I want this one anyways,
- Yes,
(Becca groans) Well, whatever Princess wants,
- [Becca] Princess wants a shower,
(water splattering)
- [Cory] (grunts) What have we got here?
Nothing,
(chuckles)
(water splattering)
Mmm,
(door creaking) (suspenseful music)
(door creaking)
Hello?
Oh, my god,
You okay, are you okay?
Becca?
(water splattering)
(dramatic music)
Becca!
(Cory grunts)
(flesh ripping) (Tad grunting)
(water trickles)
- Cory?
Cory,
(choir singing faintly) - Now are coated in red,
signifying the gods' love of beauty and creation,
- Please don't scare me,
I'm too tired,
- [Narrator] Beauty in new life,
carrying forth Adonis's mortal form as a body,
(ominous music)
(choral singing in a foreign language)
- [Becca] Somebody help me, please!
Help me!
Help me out, please!
Please help, please help me!
(object bangs loudly) (insects chirping)
(body rustling)
(bird cawing)
(eerie music)
(inhales raggedly) (gentle music)
(water splashing)
(Sam groans)
- [Sam] Cory,
- Sam?
- Where are we?
- We're in the lake,
- Tad?
- He's at the house,
(Tad grunting) (ominous music)
- [Sam] Did he hurt you?
- No, no, I'm okay,
We're fine,
- What about Becca and Cory? (Tad grunting)
- They never showed up,
I'm trying to find us help,
- No, no, no,
He had their phones,
(Tad grunting)
They were there before us,
(eerie music)
(Tad breathing heavily)
- We will all be fine,
Even you, Cor-bear,
Janet, don't cry,
Don't cry,
What do you mean it's not working?
It's working, it just takes time, okay?
It takes a little bit of time!
(sobbing)
(laughing)
Oh, fuck,
You're funny, baby,
(sighs)
Just a little more time and we'll all be free,
(tense music)
- [Avery] Becca, Cory!
- [Sam] Tad!
(door slams)
Tad!
(grunts) Please!
- I tried, Sam,
- Tried what?
- To let you in,
- [Sam] Becca, Cory!
- They're fine, Ave!
They're with me and Jan now,
- Go find something to open the door,
- [Avery] All right,
- Go,
It's okay, go,
- I tried to show you, Sam,
We're all so trapped,
- Let us see our friends, Tad,
- I am your friends!
We all want to be at optimal capacity,
Don't you see that with them and me
and us and Janet, life is achieved,
You, Sam, you, you could've been a part
of this beautiful circle, man,
You could've been a part of this beautiful circle, Sam!
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry you had to be tarnished,
You have to see,
We can be masters over death,
(door clattering) (eerie music)
(Sam groaning) (Tad panting)
You had so much potential, Samuel,
Ah!
(Tad grunting)
(scalpel clinks)
(dramatic music)
(groans)
(Tad grunting)
¶ Let us break bread together ¶
¶ On our knees ¶
¶ Oh my Lord ¶ (Tad grunting)
¶ Let us break bread together ¶
¶ Oh my Lord ¶
¶ When I fall down on my knees ¶
¶ With my face to the rising sun ¶
¶ Oh Lord ¶
¶ Have mercy on me ¶ - Janet,
¶ Oh my ¶
(breathing raggedly)
- We're free,
- Janet's dead,
(oar thuds loudly)
(body splashes)
(contemplative music)
(Avery panting)
(birds chirping)
(Sam groaning)
Oh, my god,
- [Sam] Avery,
Avery, - Oh, my god,
Sam, - I'm sorry,
- [Avery] Stop, stop,
I'm gonna go get help,
- Get Cory's phone,
- [Avery] Where is it?
- Tad has it,
- Okay, stay with Becca,
I'll be right back,
Oh fuck,
Come on, come on, come on, please work,
Hi, um, we're at--
(dart thuds) (Avery gasps)
(birds chirping)
(Avery panting)
Ow,
(whimpering)
(panting)
(whimpers)
(choir singing in a foreign language)
(lively rock music)
¶ Come over tomorrow ¶
¶ I'll build us a coffin ¶
¶ Fix you up ¶
¶ My favorite concoction ¶
¶ So fill it up and choke it down ¶
¶ We could go dancing ¶
¶ Come over tomorrow ¶
¶ It's that kind of evening ¶
¶ Get mixed up on both sides of the ceiling ¶
¶ I'll fill you up and drink you down ¶
¶ We could go dancing ¶
¶ And now you've lost your polish ¶
¶ How could I love you better ¶
¶ Hold my body ¶
¶ I'm watching your eyes sway ¶
¶ Tangled up in your talking ¶
¶ Why don't we stay ¶
¶ Ooh ¶
¶ I'll be okay ¶
¶ Come over tomorrow ¶
¶ Build us a coffin ¶
¶ The middle of the night ¶
¶ Laying all so often ¶
¶ You loosen up that smile ¶
¶ On the floor where we're dancing ¶
¶ Come over tomorrow ¶
¶ It's that kind of evening ¶
¶ We'll get mixed up on both sides of the ceiling ¶
¶ I'll fill you up and drink you down ¶
¶ We could go dancing ¶
¶ And now you've lost your polish ¶
¶ How could I love you better ¶
¶ Hold my body ¶
¶ I'm watching your eyes sway ¶
¶ Tangled up in your talking ¶
¶ Why don't we stay ¶
¶ Ooh ¶
¶ I'll be okay ¶
¶ And now we're creeping around your dresser ¶
¶ Taking kitchen knives to all the letters I wrote ¶
¶ I know I never said ¶
¶ The words that stuck inside your head ¶
¶ You've lost your polish ¶
¶ I couldn't love you better ¶