-[baseball-game fanfare] -[bat hitting ball]
[spectators cheering]
[announcer] And a pleasant good afternoon to everybody, folks,
What a ball game!
It's the Triple-A championship matchup
we've all been waiting for
between the vaunted Rochester Honey Badgers
and the hometown Southfield Platypuses,
Gosh, I-- That never sounds right,
Plat-- platypi?
Platy-- platypussies,
Ooh, can I say that?
All eyes are on Ben McGrath, the hottest prospect in decades,
coming to bat in what surely will be his final game
in the minors,
With the top major-league scouts in attendance,
this once-in-a-lifetime talent is a shoo-in to get called up
to the big show,
[whoops] Go get 'em, baby!
His lovely wife is here and they are expecting a baby,
What a lucky guy,
[crowd cheering]
Look at that stance,
We're talking lightning in a bottle, folks,
A five-tool stud that every team would sell its soul for,
An athlete of Greek-godian proportions,
A legend in the making!
And here comes the pitch to this can't miss future superstar,
[whooshing]
[sound fades]
Ohh!
[groans]
[slowed down] Oh, fuck!
[thuds]
[crowd gasps]
No,
Oh, that's gonna hurt,
[groans]
[man] Idiot!
I told you, I want the stripes going this way!
Do it over!
[knocking]
-You're late, -I know, I'm sorry, Dana,
I had to re-stripe a lawn,
As long as it was something important,
Jack! Your father's here!
Hey, uh,,, I passed the bar,
Not something I heard very often when we were married,
I don't mean a place- that-sells-liquor bar,
I mean the bar exam,
To become a lawyer, I passed,
So all those nights studying paid off?
Congratulations, Ben,
Well, thanks, Dana,
I guess that makes you the most educated gardener in town,
Heya, buddy,
You ready for dinner with your dad?
I'm gonna miss you, Mom,
Aww,
Really, really miss you,
I know,
[sighs]
Hello, there, We would like two of your finest Sloppy meal deals
and make the fries celebration size because we are celebrating,
I just became a uh,,,
lawyer,
Oh, Jack,
Buddy, I thought we talked about this,
You don't have to wear a cup all the time,
And I've told you it's for protection,
From life hitting me in the nuts,
[exhales]
Look, what happened to me, it was just bad luck,
Sure, I spent months in rehab
and, no, I never played baseball again
and, yeah, I had some tough years after that,
But I'm on the right track now,
You know, I got some big interviews lined up,
Mom says there's no such thing as bad luck,
She says we make our own luck
and what happened to you wasn't luck,
It was destiny,
Me getting hit in the nuts?
You failing,
Your mom said I was destined to fail?
She said baseball is a game of failure
with even the best hitters making outs most of the time,
Technically, that's true but it gives a false impression,
So you didn't fail?
Oh, and hey, can we please get some,,,
-[horn honks] -napkins?
[Stallings] Mmm-hmm,
Mmm-hmm,
[Stallings] Mmm-hmm,
So, you have a typo here,
"UCLO" instead of UCLA,
Actually, uh, UCLO is correct,
I went to the University of Calexico Law online,
Mmm-hmm,
Well, Mr, McGrath, I can't tell you what a genuine pleasure
it's been meeting you,
You seem like a fine, upstanding young lad
and we'll be sure to get back to you ASAP with our decision,
So my focus was litigation, uh, primarily civil,
You look familiar,
Were you on some sort of reality TV show?
[exhales] Uh, no,
Dated a Kardashian?
-No, -I got it,
You're the breakin' balls guy!
You got nailed in the nuts and never played again!
[groaning]
[Strogonoff] That is a hacky sack exploding against a semi!
An erupting piñata!
Frida, get in here! You gotta see this!
It's like a ten-car pile-up on the freeway,
I wanna vomit in my mouth but I can't take my eyes off this!
This! This is art!
[sleeve rips]
I'll let myself out, [clears throat]
[weatherman on TV] ,,,14 miles per hour,
It's currently 75 degrees,
[commercial man on TV] Have you been screwed?
Are you being screwed right now?
Exes, landlords, creditors, insurance companies,
If you're getting drilled, we can help,
We're the law firm of Schmood and Associates
and we look out for the little guy,
Don't get screwed, get Schmood,
I'd rather keep gardening,
[phone rings]
-[phone continues ringing] -[irritated sigh]
Hello?
Yeah,
Tomorrow morning? Yes,
Yeah,
Great, thank you, very much,
[laughs]
Yeah, Ben!
Mr, McGrath,
I'm not late, am I? I thought I was early,
Being early is being late at Stenhouse and Gray,
Remember that,
I'm Iris Fletcher, an associate working under Mr, Stenhouse,
We're very excited that you're here,
Whoa!
[clock ticking]
Working days, law school at night,
and still first in your class,
That is very impressive, young man,
Thank you, sir,
Though UCLO isn't exactly Harvard,
Screw Harvard,
Screw Yale, screw all those prick factories,
What we're looking for at Stenhouse and Gray,
you can't teach at a school,
I'm talking about winners, Ben,
Winners,
Men who have faced adversity and kicked its ass
until it bleeds from every orifice,
So I just have one simple question for you, Ben,
Are you a winner?
Vertical! Vertical!
How stupid can you be?
Almost done!
I'll code-red your pansy ass if you don't fall in line!
[seething]
What do you want, Ben? Jack's still at school,
Is that a new suit?
You mean this mothball-free silk and virgin wool blend?
Yes, it is, And I know Jack's been talking about math camp
over the summer so, um, I thought I'd drop off a check,
[laughs] Okay, How much weed whacking did you have to do to get this?
I got hired as a lawyer,
Stenhouse and Gray,
I start this afternoon, field assignment,
Stenhouse and Gray?
That is the top firm in the city,
Well, it just got a little bit firmer,
Field assignment, Field assignment,
Field assignment,
Hey Johnson, it's not a hamster, Throw it!
Jeez,
Ben, hey!
Thanks so much for meeting me here,
Did I mention in our interview that I was the firm's softball manager?
-You did not, -Well, I am,
And I take great pride in the fact that I've put together
the most talented roster in the city,
We've won the prestigious Lawyer League Championship
Twelve years and counting,
Wait a minute, you--
you wouldn't happen to play, would you?
Ah!
Boom, McGrath,
That's you,
Ben, we both know I didn't hire you
for your brilliant legal mind,
Come on, to build a championship-caliber team,
everyone has to have a role,
And at Stenhouse and Gray, this is your role,
Ringer,
[laughs] Now, why don't you just step up to the plate
and let's see what you can do, big fella,
Come on,
Now, Mr, Stenhouse, I'm really sorry,
I don't play anymore,
You see, there was an incident,
Yeah, yeah, I know all about your incident,
I also know that you batted 360 in Triple-A,
Only a total loser would let an errant ball to the nards
erase all that skill,
Batter up!
Come on, There you go,
Center-field fence, 480,
Go for it,
[heartbeat]
-[groans] -[crowd laughs]
[laughing]
[baby laughs]
[pager over PA] Every surgeon report to the OR, stat!
That is one shattered nut!
[screams]
Whoa, What in the name of holy hell is happening?
I'm sorry,
At Stenhouse and Gray, we're not interested in "sorry,"
We're interested in winning!
You're fired!
Scotch, neat,
To being nut-punched by life,
Again,
[pours]
[Mel] Hey, pal,
You don't seem to understand how this drinking thing works,
No, I know how it works, believe me,
I'm just here to wallow,
I worked my ass off to become a lawyer,
only to get fired on my first day,
Who would fire somebody on their first day?
Gordon Stenhouse,
Stenhouse! That arrogant, sleazy bully!
He gives lawyers a bad name!
Ooh, hang on,
Excuse me, sir?
Please, take my card,
If you ever need help with a DUI or vehicular manslaughter,
Or estate planning for your widow,
You're a lawyer, too?
What? No,
I own a law firm,
Speaking of which, you're hired,
Without an interview?
We just had one,
You're a lawyer currently not drinking,
you hate Stenhouse, and you own a suit,
You're perfect,
Come by the office tomorrow morning,
[tires screech then crash]
[Mel] Coming!
[sighs]
I guess that makes me an ass,
Excuse me, I'm sorry, Okay, okay,
[clears throat]
Mr, Schmood, Hello,
And a hardy how-do to you, too,
Um, I was told to meet here by a man in a bar?
Was it the Bottom's Up?
I mean, I hear they have a nice ambience,
He said you have an opening I might fill,
Oh, my,
-Mr, Schmood, I um-- -He's not Schmood,
he's the actor that plays him in the commercial,
Easy on the creepy, Howard,
-Mr, Schmood, I-- -I'm not Schmood, either,
I'm Mel Carmichael,
Schmood was my lawyer until I caught him embezzling,
He got four years and I got this crap company in the settlement!
But I kept the name because I like the slogan,
[deep voice] Don't get screwed, get Schmood,
-[Mel] That's the one, -[laughing]
Now, save it for the commercial!
So, you actually want the job,
Stupendous, follow me,
[phones ring]
Well, what do you think?
You wouldn't believe the deal I got on this abandoned school,
Saves me a ton of overhead,
Plus, it has everything a lawyer could need,
Now, we recently had a lawyer named Jeff who left us
so I'm gonna give you his office and his caseload,
Ta-da!
You can thank me later, Good luck, son,
Whoa!
[Mel] McGrath!
When you're done settling in, I need to see you in my office!
[yells]
I know, I know,
[chuckles]
I went crazy on the tchotchkes after I made my first billion,
You've already met my North American pine martin,
This is the robe that Elvis actually died in,
This is a paper weight with Gandhi's actual toenail,
And this are the remains of an annoying robot butler,
[Number 7] Who's calling who annoying?
He made the moves on my ex-wife so I keep him in this bucket,
-She came on to me first, -Shut up!
Now, what can I do for you?
Uh, you called me,
Oh, that's right,
I need an opinion on Reedy's Hole,
-Who's hole? -[Annie] It's a place,
The town we're in right now,
Ben McGrath, Annie Holm,
She's a Berkeley law grad clerking here for the summer,
-Hi, -Hi,
Enough of the ogling! This is no place for chemistry,
Show him the letter,
The city sent us this,
It's a notice of a zoning commission hearing
to consider a proposal for building
a new sewage treatment plant in this area,
Building that plant will mean the end of Reedy's Hole,
They'll compensate everybody at fair market value,
While ruining a community,
Well, as long as they follow proper procedure
there's nothing we can do,
[sighs]
That's what Jeff said,
Uh, anything else, Mr, Carmichael?
Call me Mel and that'll be it till 5:00,
What happens at 5:00?
Softball,
Oh, here we go again,
Let me guess, you looked me up on the internet too?
Well, you listen and you listen good,
I don't play anymore!
I don't have time for the internet,
and all I said was softball!
It's a game, not a colonoscopy,
But if you don't wanna play, that's fine,
You'll manage,
Well, I'm sure I will, I've made it this far,
No, no, no, I mean you'll manage,
Well, well, if it isn't Mr, Stenhouse-- Why are you wearing jeans?
Did you get fired already?
[sighs] I left for another opportunity,
The kind where I should hold off
depositing your math-camp check?
Can you just go get Jack, please?
Fine,
-[screams] Jack! -[sighs]
[Jack] So, back to gardening?
I'm dressed like this 'cause I have to manage my new firm's softball team,
I was hoping you'd help,
You know I don't know anything about that dangerous sport,
Sadly, yes,
But you do know math and I need someone to help with stats,
Batting averages, hits, that sort of thing,
And the job comes with this,
The T55 titanium graphing calculator?
Are you bribing me?
Yes, I am,
So you in?
[grunting]
Hi, everybody,
I'm Ben McGrath, your new manager, apparently,
I'm Smegman, Third base,
Let's hope things work out better for you
than they did our last manager, Jeff,
What happened to Jeff?
He hung himself,
Uh,,, Jeff was a deeply-in-debt manic depressive gambling addict,
I'm sure the team had nothing to do with his suicide,
It didn't help,
Neither did his wife, who was rumored to be sporking
some rich lawyer behind his back,
All women eventually spork a rich lawyer
behind their man's back,
Isn't that right, Monica?
Smegman's wife sporked a rich lawyer behind his back,
Ah,
I'm Kashmir, First base and Sikh,
What's wrong with you?
No, not "sick",
Sikh,
As in the religion that teaches the five virtues of truth,
compassion, contentment, humility, and love,
In case you're the type of American
that likes to randomly punch foreigners in the face,
I'm Milford, center field,
They call me "The Milf,"
No, they don't, No one calls you that,
That is Dobkins, our catcher,
and Schmood's chief investigator,
Hey,
I know who killed Tupac,
The ear piece connects to no one,
And that's Howard, our pitcher,
We've met,
And I'm also into catching,
I mean, uh, whatever the team needs,
Speaking of the team, where's everybody else?
This is it, Five,
One for every base,
Uh, six, when we count you,
Oh, no,
I'm,,, just here to manage,
I can't hit,
Sweet, Neither can we,
[horn honking]
Hey, Mel, I didn't know you were--
Fertile?
Gonna be here,
Well, sure, I wouldn't miss the first game of the season,
Wait, I thought this was just a practice,
It's both,
Meet my latest offspring, Melanie,
AKA Mel Junior,
I was never supposed to be born,
[Mel chuckles]
Mel Junior was a key piece of evidence in a law suit
over my botched vasectomy,
I got $1,2 million and a fantastic kid,
-Dad, -Oh,
Oh,
Okay, Well, Melanie, it's really nice to meet you,
and this is my son, Jack,
Can you mutilate a radioactive zombie with a rusty machete on that thing?
-Um, no, -Didn't think so,
Let's go play Gore Wars,
Uh, Mel, listen,
We can't play a game today, we only have five players,
I love a good underdog story,
[horn honking]
McGrath,
You're with Schmood now?
There's a one-way ticket to Loserville,
[laughs]
Yeah!
Get outta here,
This isn't cricket! [laughs]
Whoo!
Are those bullets?
I've seen some things,
[screams]
All right, right here, come on!
[yells]
See what you've done to me, Monica?
Did you know, that in space, no one can hear you fart?
Or smell your fart? Or even fart themselves, because the vacuum in space
would cause them to implode before they can let one rip,
Unless they're in a space suit, in which case they would be
the only one smelling it, in what could euphemistically
be called the ultimate Dutch oven,
And what's that weird lump in your pants?
[cheering]
Yeah!
Suck on that! [laughs]
Attaboy,
Hey, Stenhouse, you're up by ten,
Doesn't this league have a mercy rule?
Well, only if both sides agree,
I'll check with my side,
Guys? No?
Okay,
Sorry, My guys say no,
They need the batting practice,
Boop,
[Jack] That was painful,
Yep,
Although weirdly, Mel said that was the best they played in years,
I meant sitting next to Melanie,
She spent two full innings talking about serial killers and their pets,
Dad, why does the Schmood team even try
when they only have five players?
They never had a chance,
I don't know, buddy,
Maybe it's to keep the winners of the world honest,
Force them to actually go through the trouble of beating ya,
Hey,
I thought you said there was nothing we could do,
Well, where's the fun in that?
Well, looky-dooky here,
-Oh! -Whoo!
[chuckles]
Seriously?
It looks like I get the pleasure of annihilating you twice in the same week,
Boo-yah,
This guy's everywhere,
All right, What've we got here?
Gordon Stenhouse on behalf of the city
for the Reedy's Hole sewage-plant proposal,
Gordo,
[laughs] I haven't seen you at the club in a while,
Yeah, I guess we'll have to get a foursome together soon, Ger,
As long as it's not a threesome,
[laughter]
Oh, my God, please,
And you are?
Uh, Ben McGrath, Schmood and Associates,
We're here to oppose the facility,
Obviously,
But on what grounds?
Well, it'll destroy Reedy's Hole,
A sewage plant in that neighborhood would be an upgrade,
Plus, that's not a legal basis for an objection, Mr, Chairman,
He's right, on both counts,
-What else you got? -Uh,,,
Sir, the chief engineer, Mr, Capposseri,
failed to sign the report authorizing the project,
A simple oversight, Mr, Chairman,
Fortunately, the assistant to chief is here
and can sign on the chief's behalf,
I'll allow it,
[mouths] Thank you, [speaks] Sir?
[Stenhouse] Okey-dokey, John Henry right there,
Now, if there's nothing more,
Uh, hold on,
According to rule 14,2, no vote shall be scheduled any earlier
than ten days after the submission of a signed report,
said signing taking place eight seconds ago,
Surely we aren't going to delay a $100 million civic project
over such nonsense,
Sorry, Gordo,
I'm afraid we are,
You know, you are only delaying the inevitable, McGrath,
because you're gonna lose,
and you know how I know you're gonna lose?
Because you're a loser and that's what losers do,
They lose,
So, what do we do now?
I have no idea,
But uh, whatever it is, we got ten days to do it,
Wow, you actually grew up here, huh?
Yep, downtown Reedy's Hole,
This is where they wanna put the plant,
Right in the heart of our community,
But it makes no sense,
We're below the water table,
making it vulnerable to flooding,
Girl really knows her sewage,
A girl also really knows when her town's being railroaded,
Come on, the mayor's waiting,
[New Age music playing]
[Ben] Uh,,,
[clears throat]
Mr, Mayor?
Thank you, uh, for meeting us,
I'm Mayor White,
And thank you for meeting me at work,
Mayor White,
We are here to discuss the city's assertion of eminent domain,
Insertion of what?
Assertion,
Their sewage-plant proposal will literally tear up our town,
To be honest, Annie, it's not much of a town already,
What?
I can't believe what I'm hearing,
Or seeing,
[Annie] This is our home,
Mayor, we need your support,
I'll think about it,
-Ooh! -[Mayor White] Turn over!
[Annie sighs]
Well, that was a bust,
Not that I didn't enjoy watching your mayor lube up
one of her constituents,
[Mel] It better be good, I'm completely nude,
Yeah, hey Mel, it's Ben, Listen, I've decided to pursue
the Reedy's Hole case with Annie,
My guess is we're gonna need an expert witness,
probably cost about five grand,
What are you, my ex-wife?
You'll never get that kind of money outta me,
[hangs up]
Okay,
Look, the Mayor will come around,
When you've been losing for so long,
it can be hard to know you can still fight back,
Yeah, kinda like a five-person softball team,
Hey, speaking of, what're you doing tonight,
say, between 5:00 and 7:00?
Trying to find a free expert witness,
Looks like we both have our work cut out for ourselves,
Hello, everyone,
It's been a real honor taking over for Jeff
as the softball team manager,
Poor Jeff,
I can't believe he hung himself,
Me either,
He owed me 80 bucks,
And I'm carrying his baby,
You're not carrying his baby,
Anyway, we need a few more players to be competitive,
Literally, any warm bodies will do,
We're gonna have a lot of fun, and uh,
hopefully win a few games?
Okay, good talk,
[man with Canadian accent] Oy, captain!
I'm Dougie, mailroom liaison, and I'm a goalie,
There are no goalies in softball,
I know, but uh, Kashmir told me there's free beer, eh?
[laughing]
[laughs] Cheers, bud,
[motor approaches]
And you are?
On a medical scooter,
Thanks for the bulletin,
-No, I meant-- -My legs are paralyzed?
Well aware, believe me,
Really? I was just--
Asking if my package still works?
That, good sir, is none of your business,
Though the answer is an emphatic yes,
Welcome aboard,
Krinsky,
And I'm only here to avoid rush-hour traffic,
-Yeah, -[beeping]
Phew!
Hi, I'm Ramona,
I have been dying to come but I just took on a massive load
and my back has been up against the wall,
Uh,,, [clears throat] What's your favorite position?
Was that some sort of sexual innuendo?
Because I will not tolerate harassment!
I meant in softball,
Oh, [laughs]
Well, I can fill the hole, I can really handle the squeeze,
and I can gobble up all the balls pounded in my gap,
I'm extremely flexible,
Who are we playing again?
Lorey &amp; D'Angelo,
An appellate firm full of ruthless thugs,
They look more like math teachers,
You haven't seen them whine,
Ball!
What?
-Come on, ump! -Guys, quiet!
[indistinct arguing]
See?
Hey, look, that guy is wearing hockey gear,
Strike!
Are you gonna crouch behind me the entire time?
Because I can feel your gape,
This is literally the one place I'm supposed to crouch,
Isn't this great?
America's pastime,
Everyone enjoying each other's company,
Get some!
Out!
Of feeling in my lower extremities?
Thanks for the diagnosis!
Come on,
Oh, boy, beer, ball, beer,
[Kashmir] Drop the beer! [Smegman] Put the beer down!
[team jeering] [Dougie groaning]
They're hopeless, Dad,
They aren't gonna win a single game all season,
Hey, we only lost by eight runs this time,
We're improving,
Maybe some people are destined to fail,
[sighs]
Buddy, losing isn't the same thing as failing,
If you always lose and still keep trying,
that says something about your character,
Maybe there's nobility in futility,
That sounds like something losers tell themselves
to feel better,
Hey,
I got your message,
An engineer from this firm willing to testify on contingency?
-How'd you find him? -Craigslist,
[elevator dings]
Mr, McGrath?
-Miss Holt? -Hi,
Hi,
I'm Arthur Wilde,
Oh, hey, hey,
Why don't we just chat here?
[Arthur sighs]
So, you need an expert to review a county water-treatment report?
We were very impressed by your qualifications,
An advanced degree in engineering,
a fellowship in environmental design?
Though, after that there's a gap,
[phone rings]
Hang on, this could be important,
Arthur Wilde,
Uh-huh,
Lavender double latte with extra froth
and have them punch your frequent-buyer card,
Yeah, right away, Mr, Angel,
Yeah, I'm an intern,
Waiting for the job market to improve,
I figured helping you guys would look good on my résumé,
Hmm,
[sighs]
Iced mocha, anyone?
[Ben] The key is gonna be cross-examining the chief engineer,
Right, Remember how nervous his assistant got?
That was just signing his own name,
[clanging]
What was that?
Uh,,,
[Annie] We're being robbed!
Where are you--
[gasps]
What?
Hey, you!
Well, that seemed unnecessary,
[both gasp]
I see that we have a proverbial Mexican stand-off here,
with me being an actual Mexican,
Drop the thumbtack!
-Drop the raccoon! -It's a pine martin,
-Why'd you break in? -Break in? That's racist,
And stupid because there's nothing in here worth stealing,
Well, then why are you here?
To clean,
I'm Manny, the magic fairy who appears each night
to scrub your toilets,
Why'd you run?
And what's with all the crazy parkour?
You scared the bejesus out of me,
And where I come from, that's not called parkour,
it's called "get the hell out of Dodge, ICE is coming",
Oh, Fair enough,
God, you're fast,
Thank you,
And a Schmood employee?
Guys, this is Manny,
He's joining our team,
Anything you wanna say, big guy?
Stop peeing on the toilet seats,
It's disgusting,
Manny is the ninth player we've been looking for,
He completes us,
For the first time, we can finally field a full team,
That was supposed to be inspiring,
Anyway, he's gonna hit lead off and play second,
moving Dougie to right,
Anybody know who we're playing today?
Go! Go Manny!
Go, go, go, go, go!
[cheering]
-Safe! -Yeah!
We're ahead, Hey, we're actually ahead!
[cheering]
Take it, I barely had any,
I shouldn't, Not while I'm carrying Jeff's baby,
You're not carrying Jeff's baby,
It's all right, we'll get 'em,
I'm so ashamed, I'm letting the team down,
-[team protests] -No, Kashmir, what are you talking about?
Maybe first base isn't for you,
It's not the base, Ben, It's the sport,
I joined this team because it was the closest thing
I could find to my beloved cricket,
But the similarities are greatly exaggerated,
I mean, in cricket, we don't even use a glove,
Then don't,
Don't what?
Use a glove,
[grunts]
Yeah! Great catch, Kashmir!
Or whatever they call it in cricket!
We just call it a catch,
[screaming]
Monica!
-Can I get one of those? -A tattoo?
A hairy chest,
I couldn't be prouder,
Keep your heads up, we got this, We got this,
Last ups, we can do this!
-We're so close! -[Krinsky] What's the point?
We're giving everything we got and we still can't catch 'em,
I'm sorry, Ben,
But this team has no fire,
What did you call us?
Losers?
Failures?
Bottom feeders?
Oh, did you say, suckers?
We take offense to that!
What're you talking about?
He hasn't said anything the whole game,
Oh, and you,
Your momma wouldn't know a strike
if it sat on her lap and introduced itself,
How dare you bring my momma's lap into this?
Well, how about a little bit of this?
Well, how about a taste of this?
Oh, yeah? Well, what about that?
-Well, how about some of this? -[scuffing ground]
You're outta here!
-Oh, you gotta be kidding me! -I'm not kidding!
How could you?
This is unbelievable!
Man, you have the coolest dad ever,
I can hear you,
Shh,
There's something happening right now,
Yeah, it's called a rally,
Let's finish this!
For Ben!
[cheering]
Safe!
That's an RBI from an HUI,
Hitting under the influence, Boom!
Yeah!
[cheering]
We won!
-[cheering] -We won!
[cheering continues]
We just won our first game!
[cheering]
Hey, it feels pretty good, doesn't it?
So you just pretended they called us losers to motivate us,
That's some serious Jedi mind stuff,
Of course, given our record,
that would have been factually correct,
We are still technically losers,
[Mel] No,
You're benchwarmers,
I've seen this magic before,
A group of misfits who comes together to form a team,
A team that learns to believe in each other,
and somehow, against all odds, finds a way to win,
You remind me of that team,
You're the Benchwarmers,
-[all] To the Benchwarmers! -[cheering]
[phone rings]
Hello?
It's Arthur,
I can't talk long but I just read the engineer's report,
I noticed it's numbered 78446-B but there's no 78446-A,
I don't know what that means,
Well, it might mean that the engineer wrote an earlier report
but then changed his mind and--
Oh, oh, hold on,
Uh, yes,
He likes when you draw a puppy in the foam,
Anyway, it could help to get a hold of that earlier report,
How dare you?
You think you're my master, able to summon me by ringing a bell?
Why have a bell if,,,
Never mind,
Um, we need to see the file
on the Reedy's Hole sewage-plant proposal,
And whom is asking?
I don't think that's right,
It's public record so it shouldn't be a problem,
Great,
[files rustling]
Thank you,
It's gone,
Excuse me,
Excuse me, sir?
Let's sharpen that up,
Tell me you didn't just ring that bell,
Uh, report number 78446-A?
It's missing,
And what do you want me to do about it?
Look for it?
Please?
-It's not here, -We know it's not here,
She meant go look for it somewhere else,
Well, if it's not here, then it's been misfiled or,
more likely, "misfiled",
-What's the difference? -One's not on purpose,
You need to see the chief engineer,
Then we'd like to see the chief engineer,
-He's on "vacation", -"Vacation"?
Did I say "vacation"? I meant vacation,
What is happening here?
[sighs]
Missing reports,
the chief engineer was "unavailable"?
They are obviously up to something,
It's not "whom",
[cheering]
[whoops]
The lawyer who sporked Monica,
This one's personal,
This one's for Monica, you monster!
[Monica] Oscar?
-Monica, -[Monica sighs]
I have never seen so much passion from you,
It's all I ever really wanted,
You care, You really care,
Si, Mon,
Si,
[exhales]
[cheering]
Oh, yes!
[pants]
A toast, to us making the playoffs and a speedy recovery
to those who suffered minor electrical injuries as a result,
[cheering]
Dad?
Yeah, what is it, buddy?
I was thinking maybe I could postpone the math camp,
I mean, until later in the summer,
You're gonna need your stat keeper
during the post-season, right?
I think we can work something out,
Come here,
Check out my regular season stats, Iris,
It's all about power,
Raw, unadulterated power,
You reek of it, sir,
And, of course,
still dominating with the top playoff seed
is Stenhouse and Gray,
Two games up on,,,
Schmood?
[phone rings]
[Mel] McGrath!
You wanna see me, sir?
I just got a notice from the city,
Instead of building the sewage plant in downtown Reedy's Hole,
they wanna put it here!
What do you mean, here?
Here, Literally,
My desk is ground zero,
[Number 7] Perfect, Rubbish to rubbish,
[Mel] Save it, Number 7,
They're obviously trying to intimidate us,
Well, it's working,
The only chance Schmood and Associates has
is you winning this case,
[hangs up]
So, after careful examination,
the location of the plant can't be justified
based on current field conditions,
Mr, Wilde,
Yeah, I'm lactose-intolerant yet I'm craving a cappuccino,
What would you suggest?
Mr, Chairman,
he didn't even let the witness finish his last sentence,
Overruled,
I, too, am lactose-intolerant,
-Answer the question, -Um, perhaps a cap soy dry?
Ooh,,,
Sounds delish,
So is it fair to say that your level of actual field expertise
since you've left school
basically pertains to,,,
coffee products?
I guess,
And one more question,
What grade did you get in your
Design of Water Treatment Facilities course?
Uh, a D plus,
A D plus,
Good boy,
[clicks tongue] Your witness,
Anything else?
Uh,,, one second,
Um,,,
[beeping]
[text bleeps]
Uh,,,
Yes, Mr, Chairman,
Why did you get a D plus in your water-facilities course?
Okay, it was the night before my final and I was studying
when these two women next door asked if I could help
with a leak in their shower, which I did,
And afterwards they offered to thank me with a beer,
which turned into, well, several,
which turned into one of those crazy hugfests
which turned into, well, the most amazing three-way ever!
I mean, I'm talking a kaleidoscope
of flesh and passion,
By the time I woke up, I missed my final,
[laughs]
I mean, I figured when would I get another chance?
[groans]
I accept this man as an expert!
You did the right thing, son,
Oh, boy,
Uh, then, Mr, Chairman,
next we'd like to call the assistant chief engineer,
What? No,
As McGrath knows, the assistant did not write that report,
If he wants to know its contents,
he needs to address the chief engineer,
Who has somehow mysteriously disappeared into thin air,
Mr, Chairman, we need to call a continuance
until we can find this witness,
If McGrath wants a continuance, then Schmood should have
to cover all of this city's legal costs, should he lose,
Works for me,
[grunts]
[woman in movie] Oh, Marcus, fate has finally brought us together,
Tell us again why we had to meet at a movie theater,
[loud shushing]
Sorry,
You never know who might be listening,
Anyway, this is Ray Capposseri,
He's the chief engineer,
and our only chance of winning the Reedy's Hole case,
We need to find him ASAP,
Mmm-hmm,
-Capiletti, -No, Capposseri,
He's supposedly on vacation and could be anywhere,
Canissetti,
Capposseri,
Here, I'll write it down for you,
-[woman in movie] I'll never doubt again, -[man in movie] You'll never have to,
And you want me to find her,
-[both] Him! -[shushing]
I'm sorry!
And, yes, as fast as possible,
It'll cost 20 grand minimum,
We've got 400 bucks minus our movie tickets,
Consider this Carbonelli found,
[both sigh]
We're screwed,
[sighs] You think?
And a man down for tomorrow's game,
Hey, you wouldn't wanna play for us while he's gone, would you?
Look, I admire what you're doing with the team, I really do,
It's just not for me,
[woman in movie] Then take me, take me like you've never taken me before,
Oh, come on!
[shushes]
Now that we're a playoff team
it's time we look like a playoff team,
Courtesy of Mel,
[excited chatter]
Now, unfortunately, Dobkins can't be with us today,
which means we're gonna need--
[Mel] A savior,
[Number 7] Run, Melanie, It's a giant spandex tomato!
Mel, I didn't know you played,
I don't,
But I can stand in the outfield and chew gum like a pro,
Sold,
We'll put you in right,
and, Dougie, we're gonna move you to catcher,
I'll do it!
I'll play sober,
[shocked gasps]
Not what I asked but probably best for your long-term health,
All right, let's hit the field!
[chanting] Om!
Public-interest firm,
They represent PETA
and that Save the Pink Dolphins organization,
They believe humans and animals
are all equal on God's great earth,
-[cheering and applause] -[man] Come on, Mel,,,
[woman] We love you,
Namaste,
Nama-you-stay, you hippie, away from me,
Say, you do know the ball is covered with cow hide, right?
What? Oh!
[laughs]
Ugh!
Oh, come on,
[Number 7] Real proud of yourself, aren't you?
Well, guess what,
You still look like a giant tomato,
-[spits] -Ew!
Okay, we just need one more run, Now, who's up?
[panting and retches]
[Kashmir] My God,
Sober Dougie's like a normal person drunk,
Dougie,
Beer is your oxygen
and quitting it is exactly what should happen,
But after this game,
For the love of God, drink up,
[opens can]
More,
That's it, Yes,
You see?
Rock and roll!
-[cheering] -Whoo!
He just shotgunned a six-pack and said "rock and roll,"
Are we bad people?
Yes,
Yes, we are,
[cheering]
All right! Take that Bud! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
I think he's dead,
Nope, Just Canadian,
In the event of an injury you're allowed to pick a pinch runner,
Manny, you're up,
[Krinsky] No!
I'm going in,
You guys had a seventh-inning stretch,
I had a tune-up,
It's a squeeze play!
That's one hell of a bunt!
Bunt!
I said, bunt!
Man, that can't be legal,
Damn, that's dope,
I can't feel my legs,
Welcome to the party, pal!
[cheering]
Hey,
Glad you came by yesterday,
Me too, coach,
Your first playoff victory,
Yeah,
Don't let this get out,
but I really think we got a chance to go the distance,
[phone rings]
Dobkins?
I'm with Ben,
I can't talk long,
I'm undercover on the Capolinski case,
[both] Capposseri,
Right,
That guy,
Anyway, I got a bead on where he's at,
Really? Where?
On the road,
Could you be more specific?
Not really,
He bought a $180,000 RV and took off,
Likely to Canada,
Or Mexico,
$180,000?
Where'd he get that kind of money?
I got other leads, too,
He likes Croatian food and Civil War reenactments,
-That's it? -I've found guys on less,
[kids] Cannonball!
Well, keep looking,
What now?
Without Capposseri, our only hope is that missing report,
Yep,
Which means another trip to,,,
[singing] ♪ Hey, there, Mr, Clerk Man Am I annoying you? ♪
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ Please-don't-be-a-butt! ♪
Oh, my God!
I am on a break!
I don't care if you're on ecstasy, buddy,
We need access to your files,
You want access?
I'll give you access,
[door clicks and squeaks]
Well, good luck finding that missing report,
Or should I say "missing"? [snickers]
Well, that's five hours we're never gonna get back,
That file's not here,
You know that, and I know that,
But do they know that?
You mean lie?
Oh, you have a bright future as a lawyer, young lady,
[laughs]
[clerk] Denied,
Denied,
[sing-song] Yeah, we got the file!
Hey, hey, hey! There's no joy allowed in this office,
Oh, no problem,
We found what we were looking for,
Thanks for your help, [blows kiss]
My,,, help?
They found the original report,
That's impossible,
Capposseri assured me that all copies were destroyed,
Well, one must have slipped through,
I can't survive prison, I'm too pretty,
Nobody's going to prison,
and you're the furthest thing from pretty!
Let me handle it,
[hangs up]
[frightened gasp]
Your serve!
[screams]
All this waiting is killing me,
You really think Stenhouse is gonna take the bait?
[sighs]
I don't know, but whatever happens,
Ben, I'm really grateful for all your help,
You're welcome,
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
It's certainly possible, what're you thinking?
-You go first, -No, you go first,
No, really, you,
If I go first and I'm wrong,
it could result in me being disbarred,
Then again if I'm right, it would be engaging
in an illicit relationship with a fellow employee that would,,,
[phone rings]
[Annie] Is that yours or mine?
[Ben] Yours or mine what?
[Annie] Phone, We should get it,
It could be important,
[phone ringing]
Hello?
I'm ready to talk settlement,
Settlement?
One that leaves Schmood untouched,
and helps those Reedy's Hole idiots,
-Great, -Right now?
Yes, right now,
Do you wanna settle or not?
As the town's business leaders, you should know
there's been a major development in the case,
We're close to exposing the whole process as corrupt,
which is why the city's made a settlement offer,
It's a sign they're worried,
meaning we have all the leverage,
What kind of settlement?
Well, increasing the amount that they'll pay for your properties,
How much more?
-40 percent, -[gasps]
On top of what they offered before?
Yes, but all your businesses will get shut down,
-Yes! -Whoo-hoo!
Now, this is a happy ending!
-[slaps] -Whoo!
[Ben exhales]
Look, I don't get it,
I thought you wanted Stenhouse to settle,
I thought so, too, but now I'm not so sure,
Hey, look, In our business, this counts as a win,
I mean, sure, Reedy's Hole is gonna get torn up,
but the residents will be 40 percent off better than they were,
And Schmood gets to stay in business, so,,,
But it's not right,
Doesn't that matter?
When I was a little girl, I always felt different
coming from here,
People would make fun of us
and they said we weren't as good as they were,
but one day, our school went on a field trip to the city,
to a baseball game,
A game where three guys let all the kids
who'd ever been bullied play,
It was a game dedicated to the underdogs,
You know who made that game possible?
Jay-Z?
Mel,
That day, he leveled the playing field,
He showed me that everyone is special, including me,
And that sticking up for the little guy
is the right thing to do,
Ben, with Reedy's Hole, we have a chance to do the right thing,
But if we settle, the bullies win,
I really wanna kiss you right now,
Do you wanna go in and have sex?
Yes, I do,
I need a bathroom, bathroom, bathroom,
Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee,
[crashing]
[shushes softly]
Softball!
-Liar! -[screams] What's happening?
I just saw your trophy room!
You said you didn't play softball!
I never said I didn't!
I said it wasn't for me!
Why not? You've got a room full of hardware in there
that says you were the winningest pitcher in softball history!
I was also the miserablest pitcher in softball history!
It brought out the worst in me,
It turned me into the one thing I hate most,
A win-at-all-costs douchebag,
So, I gave it up,
I went to law school instead,
You went to law school to be better liked?
You should go,
Wait, Annie, no,
Listen, I'm sorry,
I didn't-- Look, I didn't mean to--
Just do me one favor,
Hold off a day before accepting Stenhouse's offer,
Give Dobkins a little more time to find Capposseri,
Well, that'll take a miracle,
I believe in miracles,
[sighs]
[Ben] I still gotta pee!
Ben,
What a pleasant surprise,
I hear you kicked ass in the Reedy's Hole case
and forced our former boss to offer a settlement,
Well, kicked ass is probably a bit of an overstatement
And, uh, did you say "our former boss"?
I left,
For Forman Lasker,
Wow, Forman Lasker's no joke,
And, more importantly, no Stenhouse,
You know, they are still hiring,
and I'm on my way to meet the managing partners right now,
Care for an introduction?
Late?
This is the first semi-final game
in Schmood's pathetic history,
I know, Mel, and I promise I'll get there as quickly as I can,
You guys will be just fine without me,
Oh!
Ben's going to be late,
Oh, God, Oh, God,
Hey, Hey, don't panic,
We'll be fine,
[man] Hey, there's the wimps we're playing,
Can we panic now?
Ben,
Come on, they're gonna love you,
Hey, what's going on? I couldn't have missed more than one inning,
[Mel] That's all it took,
They scored ten runs in the first and called the game,
Season fini,
Where were you, man?
I, uh,,, was held up by a law thing,
[Number 7] Oh, really?
Team's all commiserating at Morty's,
-See you there? -No,
I really,,, I should get Jack home,
Hey, bud, Uh,,,
Where were you for real, Dad?
I was meeting someone about a new job,
You mean you might leave the Benchwarmers?
It would be for a high-class firm,
It could be a big opportunity,
What about the nobility of futility?
-[rock music playing] -[cheering]
Look at them,
[cheering]
Nobody's born with that kind of body,
[Number 7] Nobody on this team, [laughs]
They're obviously 'roided up,
Hemorrhoids?
Steroids,
-Oh, -But they should be disqualified,
Sure, but how do we prove it?
They're not going to voluntarily give us their urine,
And it's not like we can just order them rounds of beer
to make them pee and then sneak some inanimate object
into the urinal to collect a sample,
Oh, waiter,
[Number 7] What's happening? Where am I?
What's with the echo?
-[door opens] -Is somebody there?
[unzipping]
Oh, ahh! Ahh!
The horror! The horror!
[phone rings]
Hello?
It's me, Dobkins,
Dobkins, have you found him?
-Found who? -Capposseri,
Oh,
No, but I'm getting close,
I've narrowed it down to Asia,
But don't worry,
I've got a bead on a rare Mongolian metals dealer
who may have some info,
[sighs]
I'm sorry, Annie,
[dials]
[phone ringing]
[clears throat] McGrath,
We'll accept your settlement offer,
Don't sound so disappointed, McGrath,
Everyone has their price,
Ben, did you hear?
We got proof the team that beat us was doping,
They've been suspended by the league,
which means we're in the championship game,
We play Stenhouse and Gray tomorrow,
Isn't that great news?
Yeah, um,,,
Guys, I'm actually--
[Annie] Leaving Schmood?
I took a job with Forman Lasker,
I um,,, I was gonna call ya,
I was gonna call you, too,
I spoke with Mayor White,
I convinced her that she and the citizens of Reedy's Hole should keep fighting,
Oh, Annie, it's too late,
I already accepted Stenhouse's offer,
It's not always about winning and losing, you know,
It's about playing the right way,
What are we doing?
We should be thanking Ben for everything he's done for us
and wishing him the best, wherever his journey takes him,
-Play ball! -[cheering]
We wanted to review some of the options and when we did,
we found that there was a fourth option,
so we definitely went through that,,,
All right!
Let's put these losers in their loser place,
No matter what happens today,
each and every one of us deserves to be here,
Now, Benchwarmers on three,
One, two, three,
[all] Benchwarmers!
Is everything okay?
You seem distracted,
I'm sorry, everyone,
But my team needs me,
Well, well, Look at you, working at Forman Lasker now,
Not anymore,
You got fired again?
For the love of God, Ben! I cannot keep up!
Can I just talk to Jack, please?
I don't think that's a very good idea,
He is very upset about you leaving Schmood,
Well, he should be,
So just tell him one thing,
I embrace the nobility of futility,
The what of the what now?
That's okay, Mom, I heard,
So what do you say, buddy?
You wanna catch a ball game with me?
[cheering and applause]
Great day for a ball game,
Ben,
Hi,
Hey,
I'm gonna go sit with Melanie,
Good luck, Dad,
Thanks, buddy,
So, listen,
I've come up with a plan to save Reedy's Hole
but it's gonna require several miracles happening,
Well, you know how I feel about miracles,
What are they?
First is you accepting my apology
for trying to force you to play,
It's your decision and I should have respected that,
Apology accepted,
Miracle number one accomplished,
That was miracle number two,
Miracle number three?
Getting Stenhouse to drop the settlement
and buying Dobkins more time to find Capposseri,
Hey Mel, can I have my old job back?
Didn't know you left,
We're only up by two,
We should be crushing these idiots!
I suspect poor coaching,
Well,,,
I thought you moved on, McGrath,
We had some unfinished business,
Like delivering you a copy of what we found
in the zoning commission office,
Blank pages?
A trick to get me to settle?
Well, I could have your law license for this,
But if you really feel that way,
we'll let you pull out of the deal,
No, no, I smell another trick,
No dice,
[Mel] Then how about a bet?
A bet?
On the game,
You win, they put the sewage plant on Schmood's lot,
I'll even throw in my Gandhi-toenail paper weight,
And if you win?
The city leaves Schmood and Reedy's Hole alone
and puts the plant wherever it was originally slated to go,,,
And?
And what?
And why would I take that deal? I already have a settlement,
You don't wanna pay those idiots,
as you call 'em, 40 percent more than you planned,
Winners don't settle,
Unless the great Gordon Stenhouse
is scared of losing to a bunch of benchwarmers,
Fine,
Deal,
We're up by two anyway,
I trust you know what you're doing,
Not at all,
Good enough for me,
That's what I'm paying you for!
That's lookin' good, fellas!
Let her rip!
[wolf-whistle]
[Stenhouse] Oh, there she is! The sexy stench-warmer!
Hey, put your hips into it, baby!
Let's go!
You want sexy?
I'll give you sexy,
You pervs,
[cheering]
[Stenhouse] She's not that hot, you idiots! Field the ball!
What, you got an anchor tied to your ass?
[laughs]
Dammit!
Time!
That's right, sit your loser butt down,
You look totally gassed, Howard,
I'll be okay,
Feeling should come back to my arm any second now,
[Annie] Put me in, coach!
Miracle number four,
I object! This woman is not on the roster,
As long as a person's an employee of the firm,
it's by the rules,
So why don't you sit your butt down, Mr, Stenhouse?
Please,
I'm taking you out, Howard,
I have to warn you,
you're really not gonna like the person I become when I play,
Come on, how bad can Softball Annie be?
Let's go, doofus!
Get that candy ass of yours on up to my plate!
Mama's hungry,
Whoa,
-[yells] -Strike three!
-You're out! -Suck on that, princess!
Whew!
All right, send up the next turd, huh?
Good lord, she's like Gollum,
Hey, ferret face, nibble on this!
Strike one!
Strike two!
-Strike three! -Oh!
Yeah! Let's go, Annie!
Get on home to Kansas, Dorothy! [spits]
One more, one more!
You,
Strike one!
Strike two!
This is for Ben!
Strike three! You're out!
[yelling]
Yes!
I own you now, butt boy,
Butt boy?
I warned you, didn't I?
That you did,
So how'd it feel out there?
Freakin' amazing!
Oorah!
[Annie] Yeah!
[Ben] All right guys, listen up,
We got one inning to get four runs,
Let's do it!
[cheering]
Come on!
[cheering]
[Ben] Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
-Safe! -Safe!
Bring it!
Ball,
Ball four,
Take your base,
[clank]
And Krinsky walks,
How about that?
Okay, good work!
Good eye, Krinsky!
Good eye, buddy!
Seriously?
Go get 'em,
Bring 'em home, baby!
[grunts]
Did her water just break?
She really was carrying Jeff's baby!
No wonder Jeff hung himself,
We need to get her to the hospital,
Stop! You're not taking me anywhere,
You've got a game to win,
Taxi!
Oh, God, oh,
[laughing]
[Stenhouse] That's unbelievable,
Well, I guess that's it,
Schmood is officially out of hitters,
There's still one hitter left,
Time!
Pitching change,
You're gonna love this, McGrath,
I recently hired a new receptionist,
[helicopter approaching]
I believe you two have met,
[chuckles]
Hey, Jack?
Any chance I could borrow that protective cup, buddy?
I'm not wearing it, Dad,
I don't need it anymore,
[exhales]
Strike one,
Yes!
Well done!
[exhales]
Strike two,
[laughs] You feel that wind?
Foul ball,
[groaning]
Time!
Hit him,
In the balls,
What? I could strike this bum out in my sleep,
I am paying you 20 grand for an hour to do what I want,
And what I want is to see this loser crawling on the ground,
cradling the remnants of his shattered manhood,
Do you understand?
Come on, Ben,
For the Benchwarmers,
Those dirt munchers hit him on purpose,
Rumble!
-[screaming] -Rumble!
Come on!
[screams]
[screaming]
[yells]
Come on, Dad, get up!
The ball's live!
It's a live ball, you morons!
[groaning]
[laughs]
Come on, Dad, keep going!
Out of my way! Get out--
Whoo!
[groans]
[laughing]
Yeah, ha, ha, ha!
No, you don't,
[yells]
[groans]
Safe!
[cheering]
Dad!
You want some of this!
-Yee-haw! -Whoo-hoo!
This is fantastic, eh?
What do you call it again?
Water,
Somebody just kill me now,
[all] Yeah!
Look, guys, Milford had her baby,
It's a boy!
I named him Jeff after his dead dad,
He is so adorable,
[all] Aw,
Don't you just love a happy ending?
Say, I wonder what schmuck ended up getting the sewage plant,
No!
Guys, I think I'm finally on to something
regarding your friend, Castenari,
Guys?
رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال