رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
- Well hello there,
If at first glance, you failed to recognize me,
you must live a rare life of seclusion,
and I pity you for that,
For the rest of you, you know this striking visage
is none other than I, famed author,
noted personality, and the host of television's,
Unexplained, Explained,
Walter D, Zaarke,
And I'm here today to talk to you today about one thing
and one thing only:
pizza,
What kind of pizza, you ask?
Why, only the best,
The most wondrous,
The most mysterious pizza out there today,
That's right, I'm talking about
Pi-Strodamous's Pizza Prophecy,
(slow synth music)
Experience the 'Za,
A dining experience unlike any other,
It just comes to me, I see that they have been rated
number one in quality assurance,
and customer service,
At Pi-Strodamous, every employee is handpicked
for their psychic ability and mental prowess,
like this young man right here,
so he can deliver on our famed motto,
- If we forget to predict the toppings on your order
before you've made your order, then,
because we forgot to do that,
it's gonna be discounted at 50% off of the order,
So half off of the pizza, because I didn't do it right,
- Great, and that's a sight seer's guarantee,
(yells)
Experience the 'Za,
You gonna finish that 'za?
Handcrafted to perfection, cooked to pure bliss,
with a sauce so savory and sweet,
it could only be crafted with a secret recipe
as illustrious and mysterious as the company's founder,
chef and esteemed magician, Amadeus Von Nostromo,
Nostromo,
So trust me, New York Post's best selling author,
fictional revolutionary, maverick,
and all around handsome man, when you're feeling hungry,
pick up that phone and call, but don't be surprised
when they tell you what you wanna order,
And remember,
experience the 'za,
- [Narrator] Pi-Stradamous Pizza Prophecies,
555-7792,
Corner of Craycroft and Speedway,
Call now and experience the 'za,
(soft, upbeat music)
(slow, dramatic music) (thunder rumbling)
- [Man] Have a good night, Sam,
- See you tomorrow,
(strange, dramatic music)
(dialing)
- [Jake] Hey, you've reached Jake,
Sorry I miss ya, (answering machine beeps)
- It's me,
Been a while,
You wanna hear something funny?
This might be tough for you to believe,
Your old man's turning 60 tomorrow,
I know, I know, I never thought I'd see the day myself,
I thought, I don't know, maybe, maybe we can get together,
Maybe we can meet up,
Grab a coffee, dinner,
Catch up,
Ah,
Just, just, face to face, you know?
The whole thing?
(strange, dramatic music)
You know, I don't actually have too much going on tomorrow,
Or tonight, for that matter,
Just, uh, if you wanna give me a call, just give me a ring,
I hope you're doing well, and, I can hear from you soon,
I love--
- [Answering Machine] To re-record your--
- Shit,
Goddammit,
(hits)
(grunts)
(strange, dramatic music)
What the?
(door creaks)
(strange, dramatic music)
(knocks)
(door creaks)
Hello?
- Finally,
I was wondering what was taking you all so long,
- Olivia,
What are you doing here?
Why's the door unlocked?
- You know, you take a potential home invasion
very calmly,
- I don't scare easy,
What's with the hidin'?
You okay?
- Yeah,
Yeah, I'm great,
I'm fine,
I just, I thought, you know, maybe tonight would be
a great night for your birthday dinner,
Surprise,
- You spared no expense, huh?
(soft synth music)
Life lesson, Olive,
Getting old is nothing to celebrate,
- Oh, goody,
You're already in a fabulous mood,
Great start to your party,
(scoffs)
- By the way, you know I get out of the gym late tonight,
and not that I'm ungrateful for this
extravagant celebration, but, don't you think it would
have made more sense to actually put this thing on
when people are awake?
(soft, dramatic synth music)
Jesus, you used up all my candles I was saving
for a special occasion,
- What special occasion?
- How about for settin' the mood when I have female company?
- That's ridiculous,
I'm the only one that visits here,
Plus, I'm female, and I'm company,
- You know what I mean,
Just because you're my neighbor--
- Favorite neighbor,
- Favorite neighbor doesn't mean you can use
the emergency key for anything other than emergencies,
What's this?
Okay, you know what?
I'm tired,
Why don't you go home and be weird at your own place, okay?
Come on,
- All right, all right, all right,
I'm gonna tell you something, but you have to promise
not to get mad,
I might have made a very minor, minuscule,
more in line with like a prank or a joke,
kind of bad, decision,
- Olive, what are you bringing me pain in the ass
this late at night for?
- 'Cause I wanted Samuel "Stonefist" Grant by my side
when the creepy new neighbor realizes I took this case
from his doorstep,
- You know I don't go by that anymore,
W-w-w-wait,
What did you do?
(knocking)
Who's that?
(dramatic synth music)
(hits) (man yells)
- Where is that blood-sucking son of a bitch?
- What the hell, Dragon?
- You made it,
Awesome,
(door closes)
Icks-nay on the Ampire-vay,
- Sorry for busting in Stonefist,
Hey, I didn't want Dracula's buddy getting the upper hand,
Olive, I brought the goods,
We eatin' here tonight?
- I don't go by that anymore, Dragon,
I've told you this,
- Sorry, Stonefirst,
Old habits die hard,
Hey,
Happy early birthday,
Y'all didn't open the Dracula case yet?
Talk about delayed gratification,
- We were getting that,
Oliva was gonna tell me about the part where
she committed a federal offense,
- Pardon me for taking some initiative around here
and learning about who else lives under this roof,
You ever noticed, the guy's practically never here?
Party's all night, sleeps all day,
Seem fishy to you at all, Sam?
- I take full responsibility for this because I'm the one
who tolerated you taking the excess plants
off of people's doorsteps,
Why you gotta make trouble all the time, Olive?
- Uh, I don't know, is this silly question time?
Uh, why do you always wear tracksuits?
Did you naturally decide to go gray?
Better yet, why did you decide to become a boxer?
Never heard that story,
And with the way you're acting, it sounds like you
would have made a better annoying dad,
(slow, dramatic music)
God, I'm sorry,
I was just messing,
I'm sorry,
- Olive, take this thing, and get it back
on the guy's doorstep,
- So, I can just leave and maybe come back
when y'all decide to deal with the Dracula situation?
- Why do you keep saying that?
- Remember how I said not to get mad at me earlier?
Let's keep that in mind for this part, too,
The whole surprise birthday thing wasn't entirely true,
I'm sorry,
- You don't say?
- This is more of a gathering of concerned residents,
See, some of us feel, on no uncertain terms,
that our mysterious new neighbor, is a vampire,
(lightening strikes)
- You have to pardon, between old age
and all the punches I've received to my face,
I'm a trifle deaf now,
Can you repeat that?
- The guy in 931's a vampire,
- Both of ya, get the hell out of my house,
- I know this sounds crazy, - Right now!
- I know this sounds crazy,
(door slams)
- No shit,
- But we've all experienced something unusual
since the guy moved in,
- All two of you?
- There's more coming,
Sam, just hear me out,
If the story doesn't convince you, then we'll be out
of here faster than you can say war and peace,
- War and peace,
- By war and peace, I kind of meant reading the whole
novel, out loud, from start to finish,
but you have the cover down,
so I'll go ahead and get started,
Two weeks ago, I pulled a late shift at the restaurant,
(dramatic synth music)
It was a double,
(woman laughs)
So all I had patience for was stuffing my face
and crashing for the night,
(woman laughs)
And that's when Mister Mysterious showed up,
And with some lovely little company no less,
(woman laughs)
Actually, that's a bit of a stretch,
She really wasn't that special,
Honestly, she was a little plain,
- Get on with it,
- I'm just saying,
For an exotic fellow, his taste is kind of vanilla,
So, she's laughing and giggling with her tacky red heels
and eating out of the palm of his hand,
"Oh my god, your accent is so sexy,
"Does everything you own come in black?"
(dry heaves)
Then the poor thing tries to start up a conversation,
- Hi,
- Hello,
- That's a nice jacket you got there,
- And I like,
your shoes,
- Do you work at a restaurant around--
How much does it cost to live here?
- When he gets to his door, the creep has the cojones
to wink at me,
That kind of good looking creep,
Anyway, the two go into his eerie apartment
and disappear for the night, (door closes)
- The guy gets lucky, and that makes him a monster?
That's hardly enough to convict him of something
so ridiculous,
- If you let the story teller finish telling the story,
she might get to the meaty parts,
As I was saying,
something just felt off,
So I stayed by my door and waited for signs
of activity the rest of the night and,
nothing,
(dramatic piano music)
I was lucky enough to have the next day off,
So, I kept by my door for a stakeout,
(dramatic piano music)
- [Sam] Oh I'm sure you were very thorough,
- Pffht,
Uh, yeah,
(snoring)
Finally around sundown, there was movement,
He came out with only two things:
a trash bag in one hand, and his date's red heels
in the other,
She never left, Sam,
I don't know how to describe it, but,
when he walked by my door,
he smirked,
Like he knew I was watching,
Ooh, the hair on the back of my neck just stood up,
- Hm,
Mm mm,
Fuckin' Draculas, bro,
- Well?
Sounds like the story of a young woman
who had a very hard night at work
and then stupidly decided to stay up all night,
Because why?
You love being a Nosy Nancy,
- More like Observant Olivia,
- You know, Olive, there's no such thing as vampires,
Just saying it out loud makes me sound crazy,
- Let's not jump to conclusions, boss,
Some of the shit I saw back in my trucking days
would have you hummin' a different tune,
Jesus, just in Alabama alone you couldn't keep
the snake dancin' redneck demons off ya,
It's true,
Life on the road is W-I-L-D, dudes,
You should have seen some of the shit
my buddy Jack saw working down in Chinatown,
(gong rings)
- Will you wait just a second?
Sam,
- I don't have time for this, Olive,
I'm getting up early tomorrow to train with a contender,
so both of ya's take this witch hunt back to
your own places,
- Vampire,
Vampire hunt,
- Olive,
I'm turning 60-years-old tomorrow,
Do you know what that means?
I can't keep up with your crazy games,
- Oh god, what is with you?
These past few weeks, you've been overly mopey,
It's not like you at all,
- When you get to be my age, you start to reflect on
your life,
My kid,
You know what?
You wouldn't understand,
You still believe in fairytales,
- Surprisingly enough, I also believe in slapping
people that deserve it,
- If I may be so bold as to humbly interject,
I too have a tale of terror that lends further
proof to our theory, but it's not for the faint of heart,
- Oh well then, it might be too intense
for Old Man River here, so,
- Against my better judgment, enlighten me, Dragon,
- All right,
The story begins,
A few nights ago, I find myself in the bind
of a vicious hunger after a long day of, eh,
you know, work,
(soft bongo playing) (coughing)
(soft bongo playing)
- [Sam] Dragon, you're unemployed,
- [Dragon] I'm involved in projects, brother,
Projects,
(soft bongo playing)
Speak to me, wise one,
(psychedelic music)
(farts)
(grunting)
Anyway, being so busy, I lost track of time,
To my luck, I remembered that my favorite
pizza joint, Pi-Strodamous, doesn't close 'till
well in the night,
So I ordered myself a pie,
- [Olivia] What kind?
- [Sam] Olivia,
- [Olivia] What, his story's making me hungry,
- 'Tis a good question, m'lady,
because it actually plays into the events of the night,
Like the start of any treasure hunt,
I needed to find my map,
(psychedelic music)
I ordered my favorite: a meat lover's supreme
with loads of garlic, and I'm talking like dump
the whole bucket on it,
This prize is dubbed The Dragon's Treasure,
'cause once you take a whiff, you're gonna wanna
fight me for the whole thing,
That, and I'll set your ass on fire to stop ya,
This time was different, you see,
This time, someone wasn't appreciating my gold,
you dig?
They dropped this baby off at my door in 15,
and it's steamin' hot, but I gotta admire
the craftsmanship now,
So I bust it open, and start devourin',
And yeah, my mouth is burnin', my eyes are waterin',
but it tastes like heaven,
And that's when Dracula's buddy enters,
He opens his door to leave, but he doesn't step out,
It's like he's just standing there,
I almost hear him breathin',
(neighbor coughing)
But it was more like wheezin',
(wheezing)
That's when he starts hacking up bad like a five-year-old
hittin' his first pack,
and slams his door shut, (door slams)
Creeps me out a little, so I take everything inside,
But man as soon as I do, I hear his door
pop back open and the sound of wind
blasting through the hallway,
When I check to see what's goin' on, nothin',
If someone were to look at my door,
scratches, up and down, all over,
like a pissed off animal markin' its territory,
Fuckin' ruined my Chuck Norris poster,
- I saw the door,
I just thought you had a wild night,
- I may be a lot of things, Stonefist,
but I'm an A, number one tenent, through and through,
So when Olive told me this was going down,
I said sign me up, and I brought the goods,
(hip hop music)
(laughs) - What are these?
- Sweet huh?
Lead lined gloves with crosses carved in the knuckles,
I got 'em off a couple Jesus freaks in Mississippi,
- Are you saying these squirt guns are
filled with holy water?
- Well,
It's not like I know any actual priests, but my deal,,,
Uh, my buddy, he's called The Rev, so I had him
spit in 'em,
(hip hop music)
- This is a real steak, Dragon,
- Yeah, covering my bases,
(knocking)
- Oh, just what this fire needs, more fuel,
(knocking)
- Hey gang,
Room for another on the Transylvania Express?
- You're supposed to be the smart one, Gretchen,
(scoffs)
- I found the stuff, Olivia,
- Nice one, G,
Come on in, it's like a party in here,
(rain falling) (thunder and lightening)
- [Sam] What should I expect next?
A talking dog?
- I've been up the last 48 hours compiling anything
and everything I can think of to help us
figure out the truth behind our creepy
next door friend,
- So what kind of bloodsucker do you think
we're dealing with here?
I mean, the big, gnarly, bat-monster kind,
or the sort of frilly, scary in the eyes until you
fall in love with them kind?
- Wait,
You haven't opened the case yet?
What have you been doing this whole time?
- Trying to convince Sam we're not crazy,
- Oh we're way past that already,
- Ha, that's funny,
Here,
Everything I can think of that seemed relevant,
We've got a book on Eastern European folklore,
Monsters Among Us,
Real Life Scary Stories to Keep You Up in the Dark,
Then we've got Bailey School Kids
Vampires Don't Wear Polka Dots,
And then we've got, you know, Bram Stoker's classic,
Oh,
That one's actually just for me,
- Ah, Team Jacob all the way,
- Let's back up here,
Why is it funny?
Do you actually buy into this?
Got your own weird story?
- Of course, don't you?
(jazzy music)
- Let's look at it this way, Mr, Grant,
Oh, excuse my manners, I mean Mr, Stonefist,
- Not my name,
- Sure it isn't,
Listen,
There's a very good chance that yes,
we've gone crazy and lost all our marbles,
But, in your very staunch opinion of us,
did it once ever occur to you that you sir
are the minority in this situation?
(claps)
- Burn,
- Gretchen, for Christ sakes,
You're a woman of science,
- I prefer to think of myself as a woman
who appreciates cool shit,
And this is pretty cool,
(chuckles)
- What happened to you?
- Besides getting bit?
- What?
- Get her,
(laughs)
- No, god you guys are so jumpy,
I'm just kidding,
What happened to me was a little less dramatic,
I just heard some weird stuff is all,
- Like what?
- It happened a few nights ago,
The night Mrs, Darcy from the floor below me
lost her dog, Donut,
Now let me be clear,
Donut and I have what you might call
a complicated relationship,
And unfortunately, I ran into him in the elevator
that morning, (Donut growls)
The funny thing is, Donut and I were finally
becoming more amicable,
(Donut growls)
But ever since our mysterious neighbor moved
onto the floor, Donut has become intolerable,
- Okay then, come on darling,
She was a smelly girl, wasn't she?
- Almost as if he can smell the weirdness in the air
and it's making him crazy,
(Donut barking, growling)
Wait,
I saw them at 9:17, which is weird because Mrs, Darcy has
a daily spa appointment at nine,
She's always on time, all the time,
so that would make her late,
(snaps)
Plus, I usually wait a little bit so I don't have to
run into that dog,
(panting)
- How do you know her schedule?
- Well I know everyone's schedule,
I know that every Thursday night, Olivia works late,
so she orders from Wayne Chee's restaurant,
- Yeah,
- And then Dragon, at 4:22 everyday, I hear the same
exact song playing from your apartment,
I like the sound, Dragon,
And then Sam, once a week I see you pacing
around the parking lot, trying to make a call,
that you never actually make,
Why is that?
- Finish your story, Gretchen,
- Okay,
So later that night, I was prepping my application
for an internship I am very jazzed about,
(dramatic synth music)
It was late, but that didn't stop Donut from
having a yelp fest,
(Donut barking)
Not necessarily atypical behavior for him,
He usually has major ADD,
Barks a bunch, gets bored, goes back inside,
But he wouldn't let up that night,
Something was really bothering him,
It caught me off guard, so I dropped everything
to get to the window and see what happened,
(Donuts screeching)
But I couldn't,
There was a fog blanketing everything,
Then I didn't hear Donut anymore,
That's when the howling started,
- [Sam] Howling?
- Not from Donut, (creature howling)
Not even from a dog,
This was something tougher, more primal,
Like a wolf,
It howled with so much intensity, that the other animals
in the neighborhood started to howl, too,
It's weird, it reminded me of something that I read
from Dracula about how he was able to take
different forms and control creatures of the night,
I got so spooked, I ran to my covers
and cranked my Pure Moods mix tape all the way,
- That was damn dramatic, Gretchen,
- I guess it was, wasn't it?
- You're a weird one, G,
- We should be so grateful,
- Assuming that you're correct, and our new neighbor
is a living dead blood sucking demon from hell--
- Geez,
You say I'm dramatic,
It is undead, not living dead,
Those are two totally different things,
- Of course,
Assuming he's an undead blood sucking demon from hell,
did you guys figure out what your next move was gonna be?
- Well, I say we bust open his door,
stake him in the heart a few times,
cut off his head, stuff it with garlic,
You know, the usual, (thunder breaks)
- You say that way too damn casually, my friend,
- Listen,
I'm just sayin',
I'm a hard dude,
Killin' a puppy?
That's cold,
You're just askin' for a whoopin',
- The next step was to get you involved,
- Is that a joke?
- Did it sound like I was joking when I said
I wanted you by my side earlier?
- Of course it did,
What is a now 60-year-old man gonna do against a monster?
- Happy birthday, - Oh, happy birthday,
Honestly, 60 is the new 40,
- Yo Stonefist, you're not old, you're like me,
(all chattering) - Stop,
(all chattering)
Stop,
What do you guys expect from me?
Do you really know who I am?
Do you have any idea?
Stonefist, Stonefist this, Stonefist that,
You throw Stonefist around like it means something,
It doesn't mean anything, that guy's not even
here anymore,
Stop looking at that wall like it's anything
but ancient history,
You can expect, from me, Sam Grant,
to let you down, that's all I've ever been good at,
Look at this place,
Only a loser ends up in a place like this
for as long as I have,
Really,
- What does that make us?
- Olivia,
It's not about you,
- Then what did you mean then?
You stand there and complain about where
your life went, and you're too stupid to see everything
and everyone you have now,
(thunder and lightening) (slow, dramatic piano music)
Look, I'm sorry we're not the glamorous life
you used to have, but at least we have each other,
At least we have our home,
(slow, dramatic piano music)
You're right,
This is a complete waste of time,
We'll get out of your hair,
Have fun getting old alone,
(rain falling)
- Olivia,
You don't need this heat on you,
I'll take responsibility for this and get it back
to the guy,
- I don't need you to be my hero, Sam,
- No,
But I am trying to be your friend,
- Oh, - Aw,
- Plus, you invaded my house, you kept me up way
past my bedtime, and I listened to the craziest
stories I've ever heard in my life,
Plus, I haven't had my party yet,
And I think I'm owed a little more excitement,
I can't think of a better way than to find out
what the hell is in this thing,
(slow, dramatic music)
I guess we're all accomplices now,
(slow, dramatic music)
- [Dragon] Oh, what a bust,
I thought it would be an arm, or a severed leg or somethin',
(slow, dramatic music)
- This is really old,
- It's ancient,
- [Sam] Yeah, congrats everybody,
It looks like we're just dealing with a weirdo
with expensive taste,
Mystery solved,
(bottle drops)
- Oh my goodness, Mr, Grant, I am so sorry,
My reaction time is usually impeccable,
- Gretchen, don't worry about it, I got it,
(slow, dramatic music)
What the?
(slow, dramatic music)
- Woo, Stonefist, didn't know you liked
to party like that,
- Is everything okay, Mr, Grant?
(water running) - What is it?
- Something you don't forget the taste of
after being decked as many times as I have,
That's blood,
- Holy shit,
Do you know what this means?
- Oh snap,
- Bring on the beatdown!
- You know what this means?
It means that the guy is a freak and we have no
business messin' with him,
- Well should we call the police?
- For what, stealing his mail?
- We have to do something,
- We stick to the original plan,
I will be responsible for getting that back to him,
In the meantime, you stay clear of this psycho,
Dragon, the case,
(slow, dramatic music)
- No,
Sam,
Stop it, (slaps)
This is worse than our plan, and we didn't have one,
- Olivia, what do you wanna do?
Get yourself hurt or even worse?
- I don't know, Sam, I'm like everyone else here
that's never been in a situation like this before,
- Speak for yourself,
- All I know is doing all this was about finding
some kind of evidence and now we have it,
We have to do something,
Waiting around for him to get tired of this place
and leaving is not a solution,
- And spraying him with a water gun's
gonna make a difference?
- Hopefully,
At least ruin his day,
- Listen,
It's only a matter of time before he stops
picking up bimbos and he starts catching his meals at home,
I thought, I thought maybe if we did this together,
we could protect each other,
- Olivia, I get it, you're spooked,
But you keep on lookin' for monsters,
eventually they're gonna come for you,
(dramatic music)
- Eep!
(door slams)
(sighs)
There we go,
There were those impeccable reaction skills,
- Was that--
- Uh no, 'cause admitting that would be admitting
that I just shat myself in front of you guys,
- This is ridiculous,
Look, look at us like little kids sittin' around
telling scary stories all night long,
He just wants to know where his package is
and rightfully so, we need to get it back to him,
It'll be okay,
I'll take care of it,
I'm sorry, my friends and--
(dramatic synth music)
- Okay, so just to confirm we're not all
completely crazy, we did see a creepy bastard
standing there a minute ago, right?
(lightening strikes)
- [Olivia] Sam?
- [Sam] What the hell is going on?
- [Gretchen] Wow,
- [Sam] Everyone stay calm,
Just stay calm,
(all mumbling)
(slow, dramatic music) (rain falling)
(door creaks)
(slow, dramatic music)
- [Vampire] Am I interrupting,
am I interrupting,
am I interrupting something?
(all squeal)
(all yell)
(slow, dramatic music)
(diabolical laughing)
- That's it,
That's it,
Come after me,
you're gettin' a fist full of Jesus, punk,
- What are you doing?
- Wait, guys, it's okay,
This was a scare tactic,
He can't do anything unless he's invited in here,
- Oh my god, uh, about that,
Remember when I tried throwing him that
Welcome to the Complex party and he never showed?
Uh, I might have told him that the party
would be hosted here,
That doesn't count does it?
Oh my god, that counts,
Does that count?
Oh my god, that counts,
- You are never allowed in my house again,
- [Vampire] You took something of mine,
something of mine,
- Dragon, your bag,
- [Vampire] I want it back,
(plops)
(slow, dramatic music)
(diabolical laughing)
(slow, dramatic music)
- [Olivia] What the hell?
- [Vampire] You should have listened to your friends,
You should have listened to your friends,
- Where is he?
- [Gretchen] We need garlic, can anyone find garlic?
- Where'd he go?
- [Olivia] I don't know!
- Wait guys, I think I have something in my bag,
- [Olivia] Do you hear that?
Do you guys hear that?
(heart pounding) (slow, dramatic music)
- [Sam] Where's that son of a bitch?
Guys,
- [Vampire] Hello there,
(heart pounding)
- [Dragon] This wasn't like this the last time,
- [Vampire] Watch your step,
- Holy shit,
- There's somethin' there!
- [Olivia] What?
- [Sam] Where?
Dragon! - Cheese and crackers!
(screams)
- Gretchen,
Watch your backs,
- [Gretchen] Oh my goodness,
- [Dragon] Get away from him,
No seriously, he was right there,
(slow, dramatic music)
- [Vampire] Got you,
Got you, (lantern drops)
- Olivia, your neck,
(slow, dramatic music)
(diabolical laughing)
(slurping) (slow, dramatic music)
(snaps)
(chuckles)
- Oh shit, he's a frilly one,
He's gonna try to seduce me,
- You're all so entertaining,
I really get a kick out of this whole
amateur detective game,
Enticing stuff,
But after studying up on me all night,
let's see if I have a read on you,
The loner,
The dunce,
The misfit,
And the has been,
It's quite sad, Mr, Stonefist, I was a fan,
- Jesus, you've got to be kidding me,
- You used to be quite spectacular in your heyday,
But alas, time catches up to us all,
Well, some of us,
Was I close?
(clears throat)
Well, as entertaining as you've all proven to be,
you're turning out to be equally as annoying,
and I don't like annoying,
So I'm going to explain this to you as simply
as your plebeian ears can understand,
This is my home now,
I will do whatever I want, whenever I so please,
There is nothing you can do because now you see
what I can do,
What I can do to each of you with the most
minimal of effort,
So, if I even think that you're planning
one of these lovely little tea parties again,
I will end each and every one of you,
leaving behind so little, it will be as if
you never existed at all,
Nod if you comprehend what I'm saying,
(slow, dramatic music) (rain falling)
Now,
(slow, dramatic music) (rain falling)
Since I think it was you that took what is mine,
I think it's only fair that you rightfully return it,
The bottle, my dear,
(slow, dramatic music) (rain falling)
- Silly question time,
You know why I became a boxer?
'Cause I don't like bullies,
(growling)
(hits)
(slow, dramatic music)
God,
Like a brick wall, Jesus,
(disembodied cheering) (grand orchestral music)
(bell rings) - Stonefist is back!
- It never left,
- What, what do we do now?
(grunts)
(slow, dramatic music)
- Let's make our friend feel welcome,
(hits)
(gasps)
I must be going crazy,
Vampires?
Really? (camera clicking)
I'm going senile, (camera clicking)
Must be, (camera clicking)
(grunts) (camera clicking)
The pictures, stop, help me, please,
Ladies, come on,
- I think he's waking up,
- Quick, he's not looking,
(grunting) (hitting)
- That's for freaking me out
and that's 'cause you're a jerk,
- Yeah,
- [Sam] Ladies,
- Sorry,
- Not sorry,
- Don't believe that I'm sorry,
(claps)
(slow, dramatic music)
(chuckles)
- [Sam] What's next?
Bigfoot living in the basement?
(shaker shaking)
Wakey, wakey sleepyhead,
(sizzling) (shaker shaking)
- What are you doing?
- So I'm going to explain this in a way that
even your freaky demon ass is gonna understand,
Now,
If you ever threaten these people again,
or so much as think of touching a hair on their head,
you'll deal with me,
(breathing heavily)
Now, my friends and I, we're not killers,
But, I've been in the business of pain
for a very long time,
So let me make this very clear to you,
If you ever show your face here again,
unlike you, I will personally leave enough of your
mangled body around so that the next blood suckin'
son of a bitch who even thinks about settin'
up shop here,
won't even come through the door,
Eh, capisce?
(cracking)
- You idiots!
Do you know what I am?
Huh?
(growls)
- It's funny,
After debatin' that all night,
turns out you're just an asshole,
I revoke my invitation, now get the fuck out of my house,
(growls) (slow, dramatic music)
(slams)
- [Vampire] Ow,
(vampire growling)
(chittering) (Dragon chuckles)
- Fuckin' Draculas, bro,
- Fuckin' Draculas,
(girls laughing)
I told you I'd take care of it,
- Didn't doubt you for a second old man,
(Gretchen giggles)
(knocking) (dramatic synth music)
(yelling)
- What the hell are you doing?
- Sorry, it's been a long night,
- But not too long for some grub,
My apologies,
I called 'em while you two were gettin' your fight on,
Some of the Dragon's Treasure, my friends?
- [Gretchen] Sounds tasty,
- What the hell, it's a birthday party, right?
(mock laughing)
- Man, y'all gotta get this place checked out,
There were like a lot of freaky ass noises all around
and I think there's like bats everywhere?
- We'll let the landlord know,
- Hey can maybe like one of you guys
like walk me to my car?
Wait, 'cause I'm a little freaked out right now!
(synth rock music)
- [Jake] Hey Sam,
Dad,
Uh, it's me, I wanted to return you call,
I'm sorry, but, I've just got a lot of things
going on right now and I can't meet up, but um,
happy birthday, okay?
And take care of yourself,
(synth rock music)
(slow, dramatic music)
- What's this?
- You think I'd completely ignore the fact
that it's your birthday?
(soft synth music)
- Wow,
- It was my dad's,
- He had great taste,
He made a great kid, too,
Thanks,
Thanks, Olive,
- Thank you, old man,
(creatures howling)
(banging) (creatures howling)
(blinds rattling)
- [Vampire] Anybody home?
(diabolical laughing)
Did you really think it would be so easy?
(glass shatters) (all yell)
(synth rock music)
(rock music)
♪ Wow ♪
(rock music)
♪ Haven't slept in 300 days ♪
♪ Haven't had one sober night ♪
♪ Running out of whiskey like I'm running out of time ♪
♪ And there's carousel of madness in my living and I ♪
♪ Think I'll dance with them 'till ♪
♪ The moon and sun collide ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
♪ You're running faster and faster and I ♪
♪ Know it just doesn't matter so stay ♪
♪ And listen to everyone kissing your blues away ♪
♪ Fingertips to the painted black sky ♪
♪ I'll give you gold, no one can deny ♪
♪ I'll throw your love, throw you love, throw you love ♪
♪ Until your devils feels alive ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
(rock music)
(hits) ♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪ (yells)
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
(heavy breathing) (heart pounding)
(rock music)
(hits)
(rock music)
(shucking) (blood spurting)
(yells)
(hits) (blood gushes)
(spraying) (yelling)
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
♪ I'm a king, and nobody knows ♪
♪ Oh, oh my soul ♪
(yells) ♪ I'm a king and nobody knows ♪
(dramatic synth music)
- [Sam] Did you see me knock that guy's teeth out?
Wasn't that awesome?
(Dragon laughs)
- Hey, what's this?
- Oh,
Some crazy guy at the library was trying
to pawn that off for beer money,
Maybe it was shotgun shell money,
Anyway, he overheard me talking about how I needed,
you know, books on fighting the undead
and he said that would help,
I told him I only had $20 on me, but, he just shoved it
in my hands and said, "Good luck,"
- That's pretty damn weird,
Just like this book,
(strange synth music)
(creatures growling)
Hm, more pizza?
- Uh, yeah, that's a good idea,
More pizza,
So, anyway, about this internship,
it's pretty wicked,
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