Sure,
Orlando, I want you to know
that it brings me so much peace
to know that you're going to move into my home
without selling it,
Dad, youre a renter,
I have one more favor to ask,
Remember when I took you camping
up to mosquito lake for the fourth of July?
Sure, but of course,
I want you to go back on the next fourth of July
and spread my ashes
on the water of mosquito lake,
Can you do that for me?
Aw, pops, that's illegal,
Well, hey, hey, hey,
Pops, pops, pops, I'll do it,
I'll do it,
Bonjour,
Oh, la, la, la, la, la, ila,
I'here is something I really, really want to tell you,
George?
I had nothing to do with this,
Bonjour! Oh-la-la-la! There is something,,,
Don't you ever miss?
You always know the author,
Are you on the road already?
Ready to go,
And pops is right here beside me
in the passenger seat,
Are you as excited as I am about your trip
to California tomorrow night?
I am so excited, apprehensive, scared,
God, I can't wait to see you again,
Oh, honey, I want your trip to be perfect,
I've detailed my entire house just for you,
And don't you worry about anything because
I have taken care of everything,
It's hard to believe that we've known each other for six months
- and we've only seen each other once, - It's crazy, isn't it?
Oh, I got to take this call, It's my mother,
Oh, I understand,
Yes,
Karen, are you still planning on going through
with that trip of yours?
Mama, why can't you be more supportive?
We did not pay for braces on your teeth
for you to end up with a French teacher,
who at 35 is still a bachelor,
You forget, girl, I met him once,
And I'm telling you there is something not right with him,
He is a very responsible man,
Responsible?
Look, okay, I'll make you a deal,
If he doesn't show up at the airport on time to pick you up,
you're going to get on the next plane back to DC,
- Promise me, Karen, - I promise,
All right, then,
- Happy fourth of July, - Happy fourth of July to you, too,
- I'hat's a nice dog, - What's his name? Food,
Food? Yeah, I rescued him and it's the only word
I can get him to respond to,
So where are you heading?
Oh, oh, oh, I'm just uh, here for a day hike,
Nice, nice, Do you come here often?
Well, when I was a kid with my father,
every fourth of July,
You know, I noticed those marmots
are still getting unaer the car there, just eating through everything,
It's actually not the marmots, They haven't been a problem this year,
It's this uh,,, this ferret that is causing me the prob,,, there he is!
Gosh darn, he's fast,
So you going to joining us for fireworks tonight?
- Around here? - Oh, gosh, no,
Down at the bottom by the welcome center,
Oh, Oh, I don't think so,
I'm kind of here to get away from all that,
But thanks for the invite, ranger cantor,
Oh, you can call me ranger Sarah,
Ranger Sarah,
Nicely done, sir,
Going to go hike,
Come back, whenever,
Asshole,
I always hated these stupid trips,
roughing it in nature, make you more of a man,
You know, all it ever did was make me cold, wet, and sick,
And why'd you have to shoot George?
Rest in peace,
Amazing,
Man,
[Ominous musicl
Shit,
Ah,
Ooh,
Fuck,
Food,
- Well, hello lady, - Happy fourth of July,
There could be fireworks, Hmm,
Come on, buddy, come on,
- Oh, - Good boy, good boy,
Oh, hey, you decided to see the fireworks after all,
No, listen, someone took all my things,
my car keys, my wallet, my cell phone,
Wait, that's my cell phone,
- I'Hank you, oh, - I just found it,
Thank god, Okay, now, this is a good start,
Yeah, I'm going to need to see some ID first,
No, you don't understand, I have nothing,
Everything I owned was in that backpack,
I need your help, please,
I'm sorry, but I can't give it to you
without proper ID, sir,
May I ask, where did you find it?
Oh, right there by that very girly car,
Okay, that's right, but that's my car,
- Oh, really? - Don't you remember
when I parked it right here, you and I met a couple of hours ago?
Okay, yeah, but that doesn't mean it's registered to you, sir,
I'll tell you what, tell you what, I will give you my number, and you can dial it,
and you can hear my voice message,
Yeah no, that's not gonna work because cell phones don't work up here,
See, no bars,
Ah, food, stop it, Food!
I'll show you some pictures, I'll show you some pictures,
and then you will know that the phone is mine,
Okay, I've got some questions first, sir,
What's your name?
Really? Uh huh,
- Orlando leal, Jr, - Okay, Where do you live?
- San Jose, - Occupation?
Professor of French literature
at San Jose community college,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, - Uh, huh-huh, you mean, "oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui,"
Oh,
- Okay? - Okay, here,
You can enter your password,
- See? - Oh, Is that your wife?
- It's my girlfriend, - Oay, look, I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, I am gonna write you a report,
Maybe someone will find your things and turn them in, Going to get to it,
Maybe? I'll freeze out here tonight,
What am I supposed to do? Hey, what about that ferret?
I mean, that thing will just chew right through my new car, No, no, I need your help,
I have to pick up my girlfriend from the airport tomorrow,
and I cannot be late,
Show some compassion, Can you give me a ride?
Oh, park regulations prohibit anyone but park employees
but park employees from riding in official vehicles
within national parks, sir,
Maybe you'll find a ride with someone else,
Happy fourth, Independence, Come on,
Maybe I'll burn this damned park down,
and then that will give you a reason to call the cops,
That's illegal, sir, no matches in the park,
Then I realized after I bought it, fuck,
all gold in here,
By then, I alreaay spent all my money,
Oh I know,,, unknown number,
Oh, thank you, thank you, baby girl,
Yo, yo, hello, what's up, what's up?
Hello, Jerome,
It's me,
I don't know nobody hamed me,
Look, where in the hell is francisquito street?
What? Who the fuck cares and who the fuck is this?
And the name ain't no Jerome, understand? The name is cowboy,
Oh, come on, Jerome, We spent nine and a half months in a cell together
and you already forgot, - Oh, shit, it's that crazy cracker Dakota,
Everybody say crazy cracker Dakota,
- Hey, crazy cracker Dakota! - Hey, look, bud,
It's been like three years since I saw you last, man,
And the name ain't no Jerome,
I told you the name is now cowboy,
Anyway, that's where this guy lives,
and well, he's black like you,
and I thought you'd know him, and that whole thing,
That's some real racist shit, And what are you talking about, man?
I need you to focus in now, okay?
What are you talking about?
I found this guy's wallet and his keys,
and I remember in jail that you told me
that if I ever came across something
that 1 thought would be of your interest,
that I should call you Ana then we'd split it 50/50,
Yeah, I know that's all true and everything man, but you being real unpatriotic right now,
This is the fourth of July, understand? This is like the birth of our nation
and I'm celebrating the birth like a newborn baby sucking on some American titties
and some Russian titties, too, be honest with you,
Oh, come on, you're still doing gigs, aren't you?
I've been looking for an opportunity
like this for a long time now,
and mainly just to show you that I'd be a great partner,
Well, you could tell a real cowboy
by the kind of horse he's riding,
I'm talking about riding your ass, girl,
I'm talking about riding your ass,
Hey, man, this dude better be worth it,
This dude is worth gold,
Alright then, llooks like we might have ourselves
a little deal in the making,
Thank you, white girls,
- Hello? - Karen, baby, ooh, it's me,
Orlando, are you okay, honey boo?
I ran into some problems,
What, I can hardly hear you, Did you say you have a problem?
Oh, no, no, it's nothing that you need to worry about,
I lost my wallet Ana I might need you to call greyhound
and get me a ticket back to San Jose,
Honey, what is all that noise?
I can't hear anything, What's wrong?
Do I have to cancel my trip? =-no, no,
- No, no, I told you,,, - Nine, eight,,,
- Everything will be perfect, - Seven, six,,,
I'll call you again, What?
- Five, four,,, - I said I'll call you again,
Three, two, one!
What?
Whoo!
- I'll call you again, - Okay, okay,
- Congratulations, - For the fourth of July?
No, on the places you will go,
Oh, you'll get there,
- You guys have transportation? - Yes, we do,
and you are going to be the one who will decide where to go,,,
Because you know what you know,
Exactly, I know where to go
and I know how to get there,
Okay, I am Orlando leal, Jr,
Finally, you gals are like a gift from heaven,
I'm fabella,
- Call me fab, - Okay,
And I'm gwendon, but you can call me gwendon,
Oh, it's settled, you're gwendon, You're gwendon,
Come on, let's go, Let's go, let's get out of here,
Listen, I am in a baa situation all day,
Are you cold? I was spreading my father's ashes
and, you know, it's illegal, =lt's beautiful stars,
Yeah no it's a very, very,
- very beautiful night, - And do you feel the air?
The air is very fresh, it's very fresh,
Really, I need to get home, I have to, what is this?
- It's a bus, - A bus?
Okay, that's, that's perfect,
That's perfect,
But it runs, doesn't it?
Come on in,
Orlando, this is our journey companion, negris,
Wait, are these your stage names?
- Are you in a band? - Come on, sit down,
All the world's a stage,
He's going to join us in our ceremony,
I don't know anything about the ceremony,
but I was kind of wondering if you fellow travelers
would help me get back to San Jose,
If San Jose is your destination, San Jose it shall be,
Thank you,
That's very kind of you, yeah, thanks,
- You see, I lost my wallet, - Shh, it doesn't matter
what you've done or where you've been,
What's important is where you are,
and you have the right to be here,
Oh, yeah, the big picture, I get that,
It's kind of this existential idea,
which actually is basically French, right?
Be here now,
Okay,
- Dakota, - Yeah,
Yeah, didn't I tell you I'd come through?
That's one of the things you said, yeah,
Mm-hmm, Well, we got a deal, Jerome?
No, man, I got out of my ho-filled hot tub,
put on my boots, brought two of my guys out here and their truck,
just to look at your ugly ass face,
And the name is cowboy, asshole,
Well, now, I don't want to call you asshole,
- T'hose are nice boots, though, - Stop looking at my boots,
Stop looking at the boots, Well, I like them,
Let me see the fucking wallet,
Yeah, uh-hum!
We said 50/50,
Be cool, man, alright?
I'm cool, you cool,
You cool?
Then I'm cool,
Mm-hmm,
Oh, brother, huh?
Mr, Orlando, where does this dude live? Where's his house?
Right there, Why do you think I'm parked there?
I see, Did you stake it out?
Someone might be home,
It's dark in there,
Are you afraid of the dark?
You look like a mountain man, =no,
Okay, then, take the keys, go inside,
and see if there's anything in there to take, Me?
- Yes, you, - No, Isn't that supposed to be your job?
Alright, alright, Let me just break down this work relationship to you, alright?
My name is cowboy, and what I do is I provide transportation
and dissemination of goods,
And you, my friend, you are Dakota,
and your job is to secure said goods,
secure them in that house, brother,
Alright, get out of the truck, go do your job,
- There you go, - Ain't no goddamn,,,
Don"t mumble, man,
Let's see what we got here,
Motherload,
Well, hey, look, I need you to run a little credit check for me, man,
on a line of credit,
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
last name leal, first name Orlando,
That's a bullshit name, right? Yeah, he's black, too,
Yeah, that's crazy,
Oh,
Vim,
What? Get, get, get over here,
Go, no, come here, What the heck is this, you all are selling ice cream now?
This is like residential camouflage, man, nobody will know,
I mean, look at the neighborhood,
white folks love ice cream,
This is my brother-in-law's, okay, it's all I could get,
- but we can fit a lot inside, - Alright, alright,
Back it up, let's fill it up, Come on,
- Good, just be careful, man, just don't,,, - And you are?
Oh, I got you,
We are
we are volunteers, ma'am,
Oh, yeah? =yes,
Volunteers?
Oh, we from the charity,
We're here to take Orlando's old furniture to charity,
Oh, is he moving?
'Cause he told me he was just going to go
to sequoia for the day,
Oh, no, no, no, no, he's not moving,
See, it's his lucky night, he just won
all new furniture in a big sweepstakes,
and we're here to take his old stuff
and donate it to the charity,
Oh, yeah? =yes,
- What charity? - Oh, that would be
the uh, save the free range chicken charity,
Oh, yeah, You know, I had an uncle, he's defunct now, my tio chato,
but anyway, that's another story,
Like I was saying, he liked to get involved
with a whole bunch of charities to the point
that his wife wouldn't even talk to him anymore
'cause he never paid attention to her,
It became like a, what do you call that, a compulsion,
- Oh, - So she finally ended up divorcing him,
Oh, oh, that's a lot of words to come out of your mouth,
Oh, yeah, Well, I could tell you some stories, you know,
I bet you could,
Oh, hold on,
Ooh, meche,
Hey you're not going to believe this,
but you know my next door neighbor,
well, he just won a bunch
of new furniture in this sweepstakes,
And these really cool guys are here,
Theyre going to take all the old furniture away,
Yeah, yeah,
You know, remember, my next door neighbor, Orlando,
Of course we're good friends, Yeah, what do you mean? - Nothing,
Okay, Alright, I'll see you in a bit, Okay, bye, - Bye,
[Comical mariachi musicl
we're going to need these boxes for the stuff in the living room,
Simon,
- Fuck this! - Come on, let's go,
Come on,
What do we got here?
One elk,
It's not an elk,
Oh, my bad, one reindeer,
It's not a damned reindeer,
- Well, what is it? - It's a moose,
Right here, andale,
- We want to donate some stuff, too, - Okay,
This is my friend Jasmine and Juan,
Juan's unemployed right now, but that's another story,
Anyway, like mother Theresa said, "give until it hurts,"
That's very nice of you,
Hey, boss, we ain't got no more room,
- Especially for an antelope, - It's a moose!
Okay, geez,
Ethereal musicl
you know, I, I really appreciate you guys helping me out,
My car is here, but my stuff,,, =shh,
J all of you on the streets j
we are bound to be transported to the spirit world,
Well, I don't need to go that far,
San Jose will do,
This plant is from the Brazilian forest,
- I got it from a shaman, - Oh, well, this, listen,
this looks really fun and all but I,
I really just need to know when you're planning on heading back,
you know, just like ballpark estimate,
Yes, it's all natural,
With all due respects to your religion,
I mean, it is a religion,
I'm just not really into this kind of stuff,
It's called virola,
extracted from trees of the genus,
And what does the plant do?
Its principal psychoactive ingredients
include powerful tryptamine alkaloids and beta carbolines,
But what does it do?
It promotes the ascension of the spirit,
Through the mucous membranes,
There is no reason to be afraid,
Me, afraid?
No, I'm not, I'm not afraid,
Follow me, - Oh, oh, wait,
I'm dizzy,
Oh, my head's spinning,
- Oh, I'm falling apart, - Within the next 100 years,
you have to ask yourself,
what type of planet are we going to be
or are we all going to be planets ourselves?
- Huh? - Survival is not a guarantee, man,
And fighting for it is optional,
Don't be so afraid,
No, no, I'm not brave,
I'm not brave,
Ethereal musicl
Don't kill her,
Well, I'll take this one,
- Well, look what else I found, - Oh, that might matter,
No, I'm going to hold onto this, okay, I might need it,
Now what? - Well, now you go home, get yourself a good night rest
- and I'll call you as things progress, - Where is my cut?
Now, we are equal partners, remember?
Look, Dakota, I hate to say this to you, man,
and I don't want this to sound offensive,
but if we're going to be equal partners,
you got to step up your clothes game, man,
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Look, look at yourself, - It's a rugged look,
It's a horrible 100k,
When was the last time you got laid?
Man to man, when was the last time you got laid?
- Ah, well, uh,,, - I guess it was in prison,
Look at me eye to eye, was it in prison?
I'm just saying there's a method to this madness
that you see before you today,
Here's what I want you to do, partner,
I want you to take $100, right here,
Go out and get yourself a makeover,
- You think so? - Absolutely,
Find a shower somewhere, You know, comb your beard,
Check for gnats, - Now, we have an understanding, now, right?
This is your cowboy, Of course, we've got an understanding,
I know we had our problems back in that cell,
but I knew we were meant for greatness,
- Ugh, - I
ugh,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Okay, hold on, make this nice and easy,
Put your hands where I could see them,
Where you going dressed like that at 5:00 in the morning, guy?
Oh, officer, I,
I lost my wallet Ana my car keys, And my car is still there,
but I had to go home and get my spare keys,
I was just walking down the hill to the main road,
Let's see your ID,
No, my ID is in my wallet, sir,
So what do you do for a living?
I'm a professor of French literature,
That's how French people dress for class?
You know, officer, there's a certain odor back here,
Oh yeah, like what? Like a jockstrap flew out of a donkey's ass
- at 90 miles an hour? - That's, that's very perceptive of you,
You have a way with words, officer,
Yeah, No, actually, a guy threw up back out there a couple months ago,
The uh, the stomach acid leaves a very robust aroma,
that mixed with piss, so you've got that going on,
Like to keep it that way for our special vip guests,
So how are you getting down there to San Jose, hitchhiking?
Oh, any way I can,
Okay, tell you what,
I'm going to leave you in this old country back road over here, still illegal,
at least no one will bother you and you've got a better chance of getting a ride,
No, no, no, I appreciate that, officer,
Well, I have absolutely no reason to believe anything you've told me,
but since it was just our country's birthday,
I'm going to ahead and give you a break,
Stay out of trouble, don't make me regret this,
Oh, I won't,
I won't,
Okay, ugh, watch your step,
- Oh, it's cramped in there, - Little tight,
Orville to unit 1099, we have two 1057, 31st,
- Copy that, - Happy fifth of July,
Behave,
Off to catch me a drunk driver,
- Butt fucker! - Hey!
- Bonjour, Oh, la, la, - I've got to change this ringtone,
There is something,,, =hello?
Oh, my god, I just realized it's 6:20 in the morning there,
1 can never get it straight if you're ahead or behind,
No, no, it's okay, sweetie, I'm already up,
So what happened, are you okay? Where are you?
- Someone lost a greyhound? - Oh, yeah, it's a lady,
but they found it, everything's perfect,
Good, because my mother is already freaking out
about me coming there,
Django,
What was that?
Ooh, this is my mom, let me call you back,
Taxi? -I have found the nearest taxi service,
Would you like me to call them?
- Yeah, yeah, - / didn't get that,
Do you want me to call them?
- Yes, - Connecting,
Hello?
Hello, I'm on a country road
and I need a ride back to San Jose,
San Jose? Where exactly are you?
It's just outside sequoia headed west,
I'm across from some cornfields and three towers,,,
Sequoia, that's 47 miles from where we are,
You expect me to send a driver out there?
Let me get your credit,,, =never mind,
I left the party because that bitch,
Janet Mitchell tried to tell me that,,,
=h, -
oh, oh my god, Herman, a black man,
Oh, no, no, no, sweetheart, I'm coming for my,,,
=-hello?
He tried to get in my car, and I tasered him, - What's he doing now?
- Well, what do I do how? - Heather,
What's he doing now?
- Stay in the car, Heather, - Oh my god,
- Heather, please, - He's going to kill me,
- Calm down, Heather, Hello? - I just, I need your help,
Hey, you, look at me!
I'm getting out!
Now you, listen to me,
Don't try anything funny with me,
I'm the county calf roping champion,
I can take very good care of myself,
How am I going to hurt you?
I teach French,
I'm just trying to get back to San Jose to get my spare keys
so I can keep my car from being destroyed by ferrets,
Look at me!
1 have no clothes,
Wow, you're in worse shape than me,
Please just, just give me a hand,
Well, I'm just going another mile,
and my father's going to kill me for being out drunk
and so late with a black man,
Well, this is all I can help you with,
It's better than nothing,
Another dead end, Hey, you told me you knew the way,
I'm following the directions, but they don't make no sense,
If you weren't high all the time, we'd be there by now,
Man, the sun's already coming out
and I got to be at work in an hour,
Then tell your brother-in-law to put a GPS in here,
GPS, maybe we need a new you,
Hey, we haven't even delivered the goods yet,
I'm going to lose my job,
Hey, is this cowboy going to have us killed?
Dude,
youre thinking this way too much,
Give your brains a break,
Here,
Relax,
You stupid, man, stupid,
I'll be back for you, moose,
I'm ss o ry y I'm ss orry 9
I need a hand,
I'm hungry, and I need a ride back to San Jose, Please,
25,000, that's the dude's credit line?
Oh, my, Jerome!
- No, I mean cowboy, - Oh, ho!
Yeah, I've got to go, Wow, Dakota!
- And I mean, mmm, - Let's go to work,
Wow, how did you find me? How did you know I was here?
Well, I was just down at the corner at the barbershop,
You told me to get a new look, so there you go, partner,
Yeah, buddy, you did that, That is what I'm talking about,
I knew you'd like it because it's back when I was kicking ass,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like it doesn't even describe,
- Mm-hmm, - So you already made it
all the way from the mountains back?
No, no, we got to go up and get the dude's car in sequoia,
Oh, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, look,
another little thing popped up that I've got to deal with at this moment in time,
Why don't you go and procure that automobile?
Then, I, your partner, will sell it,
You've got it, partner! Yeah!
Alright,
No problem there, not a problem,
Idiot,
Ladies,
How you doing?
Ah, well,
- Good morning, - Good morning to you, sir,
Is there something specific that you're looking for?
As a matter of fact, there is,
I'm going to be affirming my love for my lady,
and I'd like to see a diamond,
in the form of an engagement ring,
Wise choice, Diamonds are still a girl's best friend, young man,
- That is true, - I'm Mr, feldman, and you are?
Mr, leal, Orlando leal,
like Neal but with an I,
- Mr, leal, - Mm-hmm,
You know, “initiative is doing
the right thing without being told,"
Victor Hugo,
These are straight out of the oven,
metaphorically speaking, of course,
I just love this piece,
Oh yes, I see why you love it,
That is something to be loved,
Now, what is the price on this?
- Oh, that's $2250, - Oh $22,500?
No, no, no, no, $2,250,
Oh,
Oh, Mr, feldman, my woman is
so special and I,
I love her so much,
1 just hoping that I could find something
that's as special as she is,
How special did you want to go?
Well, I think we could afford to add another special zero
to the end of that $2,250, Let me show you a picture of my girl,
Her name is Karen, and I keep this little photo of her everywhere I go,
Oh, I understand,
I think I know just what you're looking for,
Will wait here,
You ladies look beautiful today, I don't know if either of you are into cowboys,
but I'd like to be into you,
- In your dreams, - Let's just go,
Alright, see you later, then,
Hello,
Wake up!
Look at what time it is, man, you and your stupid idea of getting high,
We're dead, Fuck, what now, tato?
I have to pee badly,
You kidding me? When nature calls,
- I have to pee, too, Hurry up, - Okay,
- Hey, cj? - What now, tato?
Aren't you hungry?
What is wrong with you? Man, how do you stay so skinny?
Yoga,
Alright, man, let's eat,
Let's go make some food,
[Upbeat musicl
This is top of the line,
$22,995, Hmm,
Now, that is exactly what I am talking about,
What's the resale value on something like this?
I mean, just in case, you know, she doesn't want it,
or I suddenly get the Alzheimer's and she decides to leave?
Well, I can assure you, it will retain its value,
In fact, its value will increase over time,
Well, Mr, feldman, we have got ourselves a deal,
Oh, wonderful, Indeed,
Your fiancee will be very pleased,
And what size is she?
36 double d,
- I meant ring size, - Oh, oh, finger size,
That would be not important right now,
I'm sure this will fit, I'll just take it,
Okay, fine, You know, she can always come back
- and have it resized any time, - Yeah, sure,
Now, how will you be paying?
I'd like to pay in plastic, sir,
- Mm-hmm, - There you are,
Mm-hmm, And I'll of course,
I'll need to see some identification,
Naturally, you would, sir,
So,,,
It's interesting, - Oh, you're not about to racially profile me, are you,
'cause that was before I, you know,
kind of modernized myself,
That was before, you know, the makeover,
Of course,
You're approved,
Oh, good, goody, goody, goody, goody, goody,
- If you would just sign here, - Okay,
Alright,
Karen and I, we met on a French literature blog,
It was an intense discussion on Mathilde's life
by guy de maupassant,
And I wrote, "Mathilde believes she deserves another life,”
She wants to be envied and sought after,
and these are things that people just identify with,"
Oh, but that's when the magic happened,
Because Karen, she wrote,
"the difference is that some people
aren't willing to make the sacrifices,,,
For one night of pleasure,”
In such a poetic way,
I mean, that's when I knew, I mean,
that we were just meant for each other,
She's perfect for me, Ah,
You know, cj, it doesn't get better in life than this,
We're fucked, man, we're fucked,
Why do bad things happen to good people all the time?
I knew that when I spread the ashes it was illegal,
You know, I probably shouldn't have called my dad an asshole, but for goodness sake,
I'm just a lover of French literature,
I'm just a lover, not a fighter, that's it!
I love French,,,
Hey!
I said I wasn't a fighter,
Oh, but that,,,
Hey, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Hey, guys, guys, guys, I lost my car keys,
I just need a ride to San Jose,
That's it, just to San Jose,
Good boy, food,
How are you doing, sweet meat?
We're headed to San Jose, aren't we?
San Jose?
Alright, just San Jose,
Do you think I got where I am by begging?
Get a job, assclown,
What the hell?
Why you click beast, clank slacking,,,
Ha-ha-=ha!
Ha!
Woo0o-hoo,
Six, that's all you get me?
How am I going to run business
if people don't want to work, huh?
Are those sandwiches?
- Is this whole grain? - Yeah, I think so,
Ugh, oh, I'm famished,
You don't know how long I was out there, mmm,
Do you have any hand sanitizer?
Here, wear this, Hm?
Don't answer it,
Let the message go to speaker,
Cj here, leave a message,
Cj, it's caballo,
Yean, that's the only word I know in Spanish, man,
Look here, I'm on my way to storage,
Make sure that you both are there
with the truck and the goods so I can pay you all,
- Cowboy, out, - I told you!
Tato, I told you, man,
We are dead men,
This cowboy, he's little, but he's vicious,
You know why he wears those cowboy boots? =nuh-uh,
I heard a story about this dude named Manny
who tried to rip up some of cowboy's shit,
Cowboy kicked him in the balls so hard
they came out of his throat,
Out his mouth?
Both of them,
Come on, let's go, everybody, let's go,
The sun's going down,
Sir, Orlando leal,
Okay, I just want to express my gratitude for all your help,
Really, I'm so grateful, If you give me your address,
I insist on reimbursing you for any of your expenses,
You talk too much, you work now,
Oh, obviously there's been some kind of mistake, I'm not here to work,
You don't work, why do you eat my food? Maria, give him a bag,
Well, sir, I thought that this was a charity that was for distressed travelers,
I mean, I do volunteer work at my church,
No, hey no, hey!
This has been a mistake, I'm not here for any work,
No mistake, no charity, you work,
Hey, hey, hey, calm down, okay? No, I will reimburse you when I get my wallet,
Hey, hey, hey, no, hey, hey, hey, hey,
Son of a bitch, I'll kill you!
Maria, go get my gun,
Hmm, what are you grateful for today?
Today, not a fucking lot of much,
Anything to share?
Because we know how to help you,
I'm not sharing,
My sonatas,
Bonjour, on, la, la, la, la, la, la,
- I'here is something,,, - Oh, fuck me,
! Really, really want to tell you,
I'm not fucking sleeping,
Honey boo, is that you?
Oh, oh, it's me,
Karen, it's you,
It's both of us,
Oh, it's, of course,
No French?
So, what are you wearing?
Shorts and a tank top,
Did you just come back from a run?
Yeah, I've been running,
So you must be all sweaty,
Are you training for me?
Oh, yeah,
I'm all steamed up, Mm,
Do you remember the first time we had sex? It was over the phone,
Yeah, French literature, you know, can be quite a turn-on,
No, baby, you were a turn-on,
So listen, I don't have to be to
the airport for another few hours,
and I'm all packed up and ready to go,
Are you,,,
Touching yourself?
Karen, Karen, can you hear me?
Hello?
Oh, you too, George?
Call up Dakota, he'll know where my stuff at,
Hey, boss, we ain't got no more room,
- Especially for an antelope, - It's a moose!
What?
Are you kidding me? Oh, no,
Uhn-uh! You all three better not be working together to mess with my stuff,
You'd better not be messing with the cowboy's game,
Don't nobody mess with cowboy!
Nobody mess with cowboy!
Oh, my god,
They were really sloppy these charity people,
Irma, - Hey, congratulations on the sweepstakes, dude,
What sweepstakes? =the new furniture,
So you saw who did this?
Saw them? I helped them, and donated some stuff, too,
Oh yeah, we all did,
Irma, I was robbed, They robbed me,
They took all my shit,
Irma, how could you?
So what's next, jefe?
I may never amount to anything, tato,
but you know, it doesn't mean I have to stoop so low
that I break into some guy's house and steal his shit,
Yeah,
You know what? Fuck cowboy,
You know, ése, my problem,,, Is la ruca,
What ruca?
The only woman who ever really loved me
and wanted to be the mother of my children,
I could have had a good life,
So what happened?
I was an idiot and a coward,
I thought, back then so much pussy and so little time,
She just,,, she just got tired of it and married somebody else,
Hey, Orlando, I'm so sorry, I already called the police
and they're going to be here any minute,
The police? Okay, I have to go, Orlando leal?
I'm officer morales,
But you still think about her?
Every day, ese,
So give her a call,
No, I don't know about that,
Come on, She may still want your sexual juices,
She's married,
Hey, do you have any varos?
Man, you know I don't got no money,
I'm a socialist,
A socialist?
- Hey, - A socialist, eh?
That's my hot cheetos money, - The truck is eating the hot cheetos today,
May I see some identification?
I just told you, officer, they stole my wallet,
and my car keys, and my house keys down in sequoia,
And then they came here
and they robbed me before I could get back,
You know, they probably stole my car, too,
Oh, yeah, huh? Yes,
Here's a copy of his rental agreement, officer,
- He's my tenant, - Thank you,
You know, just out of curiosity, officer,
why do you think somebody would pretend
to live at a house that's just been robbed?
- Insurance, - Okay, that's,,,
Let me ask you something, How did you get up here without your car?
I hitchhiked, =hitchhiked,
You know, I can't help you if you're not taking this seriously,
- I am serious, - Oh, yeah?
Who picked you up?
- A girl, - A girl?
Yeah, the county calf roping champion,
she picked me up,
- What was she doing coming up here? - I don't know, to buy a calf,
What the hell difference does it make? My place has been robbed,
Hold on a second,
Hey, baby, Oh, yeah, mijja, I'll just be a second,
Yes, let me clear this up real quick,
Oh, yeah, alright, talk to you soon,
Alright, sorry about that, Alright, so you were robbed,
I'hings we know, That's a shame,
My baby!
Ethereal musicl
j once you once you got it better
j I been worried I been brave j
- y wha rah ran brrt j - &' I'm real I'm not a thing »
- j ihe origin shut j - ; Shut up j»
j be more rocking I'm ahead I need to clap j»
y clap clap clap 7 =I let me fruss j
j off of you
j it's the nice guy I fruss j
- alright, now what? - Well, what?
What's next?
Well, I'm going to give you a copy of the report
and if something comes up, we'll call you,
But, but wait, aren't you just going to go after the bad guys?
- Mister,,, - There's two hispanic guys,
There's one black cowboy, and then there's one whatever,
You can go after these guys,
We get about a dozen robberies a day,
My advice, get an alarm,
or a get a dog, or get both,
- Have a good day, - But,,,
That's a nice-looking bike,
Bonjour, on, la, la, la, la, la, la,
There is something,,, =hello?
- Is this Mr, Orlando leal? - Speaking,
I'm calling from visa card,
Do you have your card in your possession, sir?
- No, why? - Because there was a charge
fo your card this morning, in the amount of $24,995,
Did you make that purchase, sir?
Fuck no, I,,, excuse me?
I did not make a purchase in that amount,
I was robbed and I had everything taken from me,
Well, you should have informed us immediately,
But, I don't have your number,
It's on the back of your card that I don't have,
Well, you could have gotten it from your billing statement,
Oh, I'm tell you two kitchen boys,
you two are going to be one taco short of a combination plate!
I'm serious,
So have I answered all of your questions, sir? - Yes, you have,
Good, so from one to 10, 10 being best,
- how would you rate this call, sir? - It's a 10,
You will get a call asking you if you were satisfied with my service,
My name is,,,
Bonjour,
- Oh, la, la,,, - I'll tell you what,
Why don't we go outside and play a game
of hide and go fuck yourself?
Orlando?
Oh, Karen,
Oh, I'm so sorry,
Oh, oh, sweetie, these telemarketers,
they're driving me crazy,
Orlando, you're scaring me,
In 15 minutes, I'll be headed to the airport and,
are you sure you're okay with me coming so soon?
You sound flustered,
Of course, sugar plum,
You just don't know how fast my heart beats
when I hear the sound of your voice,
Don't blame me for being anxious, please,
I just,,,
I want this to be so special,
- You mean everything to me, - You promise?
Mon cheri,
I have something to tell you,
And it's very important to me that you know,
Oh, call me romantic,
but I just love it when you call me, mon chéri,
It just makes me melt,
But what were you going to say?
I've got a surprise for you,
A surprise?
I remodeled my entire house,
Oh, that's nice,
Well, I should be there in 10 hours, 15 minutes, 20 seconds,
but who's counting?
Who am I?
I have a code 347, a canine loose in the park,
He goes by the name food,
and he might be chasing a,,,
This ferret and,,,
Stop right there,
Oh, it's you, hi,
- Hi, are you okay? - Fine, why?
Oh, my god,
Look, 1 got to get back to my pickup,
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, You're not going anywhere,
I'm going to have you come around here,
We're going to go for a little ride,
No, I'm fine, please,
Maybe put a blanket down on the seat, no, okay,
We could have some hand sanitizer at the ranger's station, that would be great,
Hey, this is just a little bump in the road,
You'll get over it,
Fifty years from now, you won't even remember
that they stole all your shit,
and you'll have Karen by your side,
No,
No, guys like me,
we don't end up with the girl,
What are you talking about?
You're a good guy,
You don't even jaywalk like I do,
Just be a man,
Be a man,
I'm no longer even a decent man,
I've broken the law just twice this week, No, actually once,
The other one was just blatant pride,
That bike I brought inside,
cause I stole it, You what?
- Yeah, - Oh yeah?
But, that's not nice, Hmm,
Bonjour,,,
Orlando here, - Hello, Mr, leal,
officer buford here, highway patrol,
- We found your car, - Whoa, whoa, that's great!
You need to come get it,
Listen, just text me the location,
I'm on it immediately,
Yes, thank you, thank you so much, thank you,
- Ah, they found my car, - Oh, yeah?
I have four hours until they tow it, Shall I risk it?
Oh, yeah, go get your car,
Be a man,
Hey, how about that?
Her mother said she not only remembers me,
but she has fond memories, too,
Her daughter's husband died a year ago of a heart attack,
so she's working in the fields again,
Hey you, stop right there,
Hands where I could see them,
Look, you don't understand,
Officer, it's you, Yeah, you gave me a ride yesterday, That's my car,
Oh, yeah, Orlando, like bloom but not,
The car was abandoned on the side of the highway today, guy,
Yeah, by the same guys who took my wallet
and robbed my house, They took everything I own,
Tell you what, I have the name and an address
of the registered owner right here,
Why don't you go ahead and tell me yours,
Orlando leal Jr, 2156 francisquito in San Jose,
Confirmed, Problem is that car is not drivable,
Rats chewed apart everything under the hood, so no go,
Actually, it wasn't the rats, it was the ferret, Whatever,
Tow truck's on his way, The good news is, well,
you don't have to worry about paying any fines or tow charges,
Thank you, officer, You have no idea how much you're helping me out,
Ps, protect and serve,
Ah, ah, ah, not so far,
What about this beautiful bike, whose is that, is it yours?
- Not really, - Friend's?
What were you going to do with the bike once you retrieved the car, guy?
You know, do you have a phone charger?
Negative, Son, I like you, okay?
We're going to have to do a little background check on this bike, okay?
Sp, standard procedure,
Hi, hang tight,
And you're better now, yes,
No need to do that,
I'll take care of him,
I'm his friend,
- And you are? - Well, they call me cowboy,
and I've been looking all over for this rascal,
Do you know this cow,,, person? Uhm,
Okay, he can't drive in his condition, clearly,
Of course he can't, ma'am, that's exactly why I'm here,
What about his pickup? If it's not removed, it's going to be towed,
Well, to tell you the truth, I'd be surprised if that old thing even runs,
But missus, you do whatever it is that you need to do, Tow it if you want to,
Right now I am more concerned about my buddy here
than I am that old pickup truck,
Okay well, I'll take that back,
You,
- you have a nice day, - You too, ma'am,
And there's no smoking in the park,
Well, of course not, ma'am,
Somebody should have told you no smoking years ago, you little hottie,
- Okay, stop it, - Hottie, hottie,
Hottie, hottie, with a ranger's body,
Pew, stop,
Alright, best buddy,
let's see if we can't get on them old feet of yours,
Pal of mine, oh, Watch your steps, Get your sea legs going,
There you go, There is your wobbly-legged little soldier,
Careful, watch your step, friend,
Watch your step, partner, there you go,
Alright now, one simple question, redneck, where is it?
Huh, partner? What?
That thing with the wheels and the tires?
No, no, see, I already stole that
and I, and, and I was bringing it to you
and then the damned thing just broke down,
What, wait a minute, Are you trying to tell me
that you stole that ice cream truck full of goods just to bring it back to me?
Now, what kind of sense does that make? Do you think I'm an idiot?
Where the hell is that truck, and where did it break down?
No, no, I swear, I was bringing you back,,,
Wait a minute, what truck, what goods?
What if she doesn't want to talk to me?
You're not going to get all sentimental and shit on me, are you?
- We're the brown pride? - I'm trying, man, I'm trying,
Here, you just need to relax,
We're going to do this right,
Maybe that's a good idea,
Oh, yeah,
No, no, we're no longer in the gastronomy business,
We're in the moving of goods business,
It's more lucrative,
Does a Maria work here?
Maria?
There are many marias,
Take your pick,
Halt, You're under arrest for grand theft
and leaving the scene of a crime,
You have the right to remain silent,
Anything you say or do may be held against you,
He's the one, He stole my motorcycle,
The right to an attorney, If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be appointed to you,
No attorney, you go straight to jail, ha!
If you do not keep quiet, I'm going to read these same rights to you too,
in english and Japanese,
Don't care,
Now, do you understand these rights as I have told you?
You stole my motorcycle,
Correction, I borrowed his motorcycle,
Ah-ha, calm down, okay? Suspect is already under custody,
Now, we're going to handle this matter in a civilized and legal way,
Now, you the owner of the reported stolen vehicle?
Yes, He stole it and pushed me to the ground,
Okay, you're prepared to press charges, sir? - Yes, I'll press charger,
Officer, I can produce at least 12 witnesses
that will swear that he let me borrow that bike,
- Bulishit, - Oh, you can talk to them right now,
You can gather all the testimony you need,
Now, who are these dozens of witnesses?
Well, they work for him, They're working here right now,
Yeah, well, what are they?
What do they call them? They are,
oh, farm laborers, migrant workers, un,,,
Liar, you thief! You stole my bike,
you pushed me to the ground, No need to talk to nobody,
Now, Mr, huang, this is where the crime took place and they were witnesses?
It's my duty to gather all the evidence,
Why do you wanted to bother my workers?
Theyre busy working,
Huang, sir,
the way we handle disputes like this one in this country
is through good old judicial system, okay, the js,
You want to press charger, charges,
it's my duty to gather all the evidence,
every last juicy drop,
- Okay, okay, me no press charger, - Charges,
You go, take him, Smart ass,
Don't come back here ever again,
Wait, where are we going?
I'm booking you for resisting arrest by escaping,
Yeah, but technically you didn't put me under arrest,
You just asked to scan the plates on my bike,
I might let you bullshit your way out of that one,
but I'm not letting you get out of this one,
Within the last 18 hours,
I've been drugged, tased, sprayed,
I even had to accept food
from a homeless man who had a sign,
Now in the next five hours,
the perfect woman for me is going to land at the airport,
and if I'm not there to pick her up, I'm going to lose her,
Two words, about face,
- Oh, gosh, come,,, - Yep,
[Somber musicl
Maria?
Maria, Maria, Maria!
[Mariachi musicl
Can't you see? Este vafo doesn't get a second chance,
Stop it, bro, =no,
My life is all lime and salt, no Tequila,
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey, stop it,
And who's going to make,,,
Maria? Cj?
Cj,
Why are you here?
Because,,,
Losing you was the biggest mistake of my life,
I was a fool and a coward,
but all of that is in the past,
Now, I am here to take you away,
Oh,
Why there talk here?
Who's this man?
Mr, huang, my boss,
You mean your ex-boss?
Hey,
senor Mr, huang,
I'm here to tell you that Maria is putting in
her resignation effective,,,
I need this job,
Speak english,
She work here,
She leaved, she fired,
Listen, I have some money saved up,
and a little casita in the sweet rampla,
which is all ours,
Hey, you two, leave,
You, go back to work, now,
I love you,
Sorry, Mr, huang,
[Upbeat musicl
Ugh,
Okay,
Thanks for the help,
Okay,
There's the highway,
Good luck, stay out of trouble,
Don't make me regret this,
Hey, I never caught your name,
Didn't throw it,
Carruthers with a c,
- Thanks, - Yep,
[Upbeat musicl
good afternoon,
Good afternoon,
I know, honey, I'll be home tomorrow,
I know, I love you, too,
Okay, baby,
Alright, bye-bye,
[Dramatic rock musicl
I'm Warren, Karen,
Nerak?
Oh, my name spelled backwards,
How did you do that so fast?
My first girlfriend's name was Karen,
and when we were about 13 years old,
I used to call her nerak and she would call me nosredna,
Nosredna? Anderson,
It's my last name spelled backwards,
Backwards, okay, I see,
That's so sweet,
Orale, leave some for the honeymoon, okay?
And what's with you, you tired of living?
No, no, I'm headed to San Jose,
- I can really use a ride, - Sorry, vato,
- Listen, I'm in a jam, You got to help me, - Hey, slow down,
We're already full, there's three of us inside, You don't want us to
get a ticket, do you? - Alright, I'll ride in the back, You know, I don't care,
I'll make ice cream sundaes for everybody while you're driving, What kind of sundaes?
Banana split, - No, bro, we're full, Plus, we're transporting merchandise,
Look at me, I'm wearing a pink shirt, These are not even my clothes,
You wouldn't leave another man in distress out here, would you?
I don't want to make Maria wait,
Sorry, maybe next time,
- That's fine, thanks, - Here,
Here, What?
It's not much,
but it's better than nothing,
I don't know you,
Uhmph, I've got to pee so bad my teeth are yellow,
Now, you see there, a real cowboy would have said,
“I've got to see a man about a horse,"
Shut up, And you're coming with me, come on,
No way, I got no desire looking at your pipe,
I have a beautiful pipe, and you're coming with me,
I'm concerned about your bladder, get out!
Oh, yeah, Woo,
You know, cowboy, if we're going to be partners,,,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
This partnership is over, okay?
It's dissolved, annulled, it's done,
You dumb ass, country ass, droopy cooter,
And by the way, the name ain't cowboy no more,
I'm going back,
It's Jerome now,
Yargh, what the hell?
What are you doing?
Do you realize how expensive these boots are?
You can't just buy these boots anywhere! What the hell?
Come here, get back, Get back here!
Son of a bitch,
Aargh!
I got to eat something or I'm going to faint, - Again?
I got the munchies,
Yeah, me too, but do you have any money?
I don't got no money,
[Somber musicl
Oh,
Huh,
"We are healed from suffering
when you've experienced it to the full," Marcel proust,
Pops, I'm sorry I called you an asshole,
Please,
do something,
He's probably already waiting for me at the airport,
And what,,, Warren? =yeah,
- Where do you live? - Oh, I live back in Georgetown,
I'm just in California for one night,
I've got an early board meeting, and then back to D,C,
Hmm,
- I'm an architect, - How nice,
Who am I fooling?
The writing has been on the wall and I refuse to read it,
I can just feel like something is wrong,
He might not even show up,
I'm so
haive,
so sheltered,
Ah, what an idiot!
Here, take this, please, Karen, come on,
Come on, he's going to show up, You have to understand,
you put yourself in a really vulnerable position,
It's completely natural to have jitters,
Are you married?
Hey, beaner, is your ass itching?
Why does the garbage man always forget to take out the white trash?
Oh, yeah, where did you leave your leaf blower?
Your house moves, but none of your nine cars do,
Hey, let's move it before the police arrive,
Well, you give me 100 bucks and I'll be out of here,
- What, what? - Give you what?
We didn't hit your car,
Hey, I know you,
You were with us at the house,
What are you doing in cowboy's car?
And you're the guys that cowboy is looking for,
- Cowboy is looking for us, - Cowboy is looking for us?
Yeah, yeah, cowboy's looking for you,
And now I found you,
Senor Mr, cowboy, I swear on my mamacita's grave,
never miss a good chance to shut up while you're ahead,
Alright, we're going to play a little bit of vehicle switcheroo, Give me the keys,
- I left the keys in the truck, jefe, - Okay,
But it's okay, When you get in the truck,
the keys will be there waiting for you,
- I get it, - I'm going to drive the truck
that's got the keys in it, and you're going to drive the car,
which also has the keys in it,
So there, do you understand?
- Yes, boss, - Let's go to the warehouse!
- Move it, - Yes, boss, yes, boss,
Hey, Maria, we're going in this car now,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, get, get over here,
Get over here now!
Who the hell is Maria?
The love of my life, I'm going to marry her,
Oh, well, congratulations to you,
- Thank you, cowboy, - Oh, not a problem, got!
We about to do this thing, stay right there,
Ha, ha! Ha, ha, here we go,
You, to the automobile, me,
to the ice cream truck, let's go,
Okay, but one more thing, jefe,
We just put like 50 bucks of our own cash in gas, so,,,
Do you really want to do that right now?
That's what I thought,
Move it!
Hey, hitchhiking is considered
opportunistic transportation, sir, and it is illegal,
No, look, I just need to get back
to sequoia to retrieve my pickup,
Oh, your pickup is not there anymore,
What? Mother piss box,
Are you telling me that somebody has stolen my pickup?
No, no, it wasn't stolen, it's been impounded, It's at the police garage,
That's what your, your charming cowboy friend told me to do,
It's going to cost you about $500 to get it back, sir,
He did what? =yeah,
Well, fuck a piss shit,
That black Clint Eastwood wannabe,
- he is going to pay for this, - Hey, you watch your mouth,
I have a dog in the back,
Why the fuck do you have to be using
all that goddamn profanity all the time?
You piece of shit!
I'm just so confused,
1 don't even know who I am anymore,
Yeah, god, that happens to me all the time,
Alright, alright, if you calm down, you stop cursing,
I will take you where you want to go,
Come on, hop in,
Come on,
Mind the hat,
Where you going?
Well, could you take me back that way where you came from?
Yeah, sure, no problem,
Alright,
Didn't you lose your dog?
Yeah, yeah I found him about five miles back
with a German Shepherd,
I think he's too young to date,
but you know, what can you do?
Kids these days,
Go,
You have no right to get me involved in all this,
Hey, there's no all this,
We're going to get paid, What's the big deal?
Como? What's the big deal?
The man came at us with a gun,
Oh, my god, I can't believe you,
Come on, let's go, let's go, let's move it, Move it, come on,
You disappear from my life for 15 years, -13,5,
Ay, okay, 13,5, And then you kidnap me from my job
to get me involved in some sort of criminal activity?
[Punch th ud ow! 3
I am a decent woman, and I have a son to raise,
It's not what you think,
Let's go, let's do this,
What's in the truck, cj?
Stuff,
Look, I love you and I will always love you,
and I'm going to help you raise your boy, That's all that matters,
Yeah, but how do you know he's not going to kill us all?
Oh, no, fuck this shit, Maria?
- Hey, Maria, - Tato,
No, Maria's right, fuck this shit, I'm keeping my balls,
Tato, Maria, come back,
Don't make it 13,6!
Maria!
Oh, Maria!
What the f,,,, come on!
=no!
How come everybody run away from cowboy?
Why does everybody run away from cowboy?
- Ah! - Whoa, Sir, sir, please,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you,
Put your hands where I can see them, both of them,
- Right here, I just,,, - Step away from the vehicle,
- Yes, just,,, - Step away!
Right there, stay there,
Don't shoot, don't shoot,
I'm not a thief, I am not a thief,
I'm just a law-abiding citizen
with a master's in French literature,
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought maybe you was somebody I knew,
=no, no, no, My bad then, brother, My bad, put your hands down,
We're just two brothers standing beside the road,
Aln't no sense in drawing attention to ourselves, right?
- Yes, - Alright, argh!
God, shit, argh, some on my neck, some on my neck,
Something on the back of my neck, Get it, get it,
- It's just a bee, - I get it, get it, get it,
- Gah! Damn, - Oh, you've never been stung?
No, I've never been stung, - Well, you know, some people they have allergic reactions,
I don't have reactions, okay? I'm a reactor,
1 don't have them,
Ugh, thank you for that, man,
- That's alright, - What are you doing out here?
You know, in about four hours, I'm supposed to pick up
my girlfriend from the airport and I got robbed, Wow,
So even if I get there, I mean, what can I do with her?
I got cleaned out,
Oh, that's, that's a tragedy, =yeah,
An American, an African-American tragedy,
- You know, - Sorry, man,
It's the way the country's going, Hmm,
So a career with the forest service
will challenge you to manage and care for over, guess,
no, don't guess, 193 million acres
of our nation's most magnificent land,
Tell you what, though, man, one brother to another, let me help you out,
How would you like to make $100 cash money right now?
Well, yeah, but what do I have to do?
Can you drive a truck? Well, I guess, yeah,
That's it then, I just need you to drive that truck,
I'm gonna follow you in the car, We'll eh, a couple miles down the road to this warehouse,
And when we get there, we drop it off, you collect,
Boom, bam, bip, it's all done,
- But how am I going to get to the airport? - Well, the bip part is
you get to the airport the best way you can,
I just told you, I'm going to give you $100,
A hundred dollars you can take a cab, uber,
You can have a woman in a motorized massage chair, - I get it,
- I don't,,, - I get it, okay, poor Karen,
- Oh, Karen, wow, - Yeah,
- It's a beautiful name, - Oh, she's lovely,
Do you have a picture of her?
- In my wallet, - Those sons of bitches,
You know, no disrespect,
put how do I know you're going to pay me?
I just,,, - Okay, okay, I'm dealing with a businessman,
I get it, 1 get it, You're an entrepreneur, - This is new, this is new,
Okay, okay, hold on, How about I just front you,,,
20 dollars, get the rest when you get there,
Yeah, I, half would be better, It's just normal, - Okay,
Half, - Alright, Mr, Black businessman of America,
Here's $40,
Ltake it or leave it,
- Got it, - Alright, okay, Let's do this thing then,
- Stop! - What, why?
Because I said stop the car,
It was really nice meeting you,
Jeez, Son of a bitch!
Karen, sweetie, it's Orlando,
Listen, there's, there's something really important I've got to tell you,
Hey, hey, you can't partner up with this piece of shit,
He shits on everybody around him,
You damned double-crosser,
Excuse me, Who, who are you?
I'm the one who put together this whole heist,
and I'm the one about to kill a cowboy,
Oh, yeah?
Well, what you going to do, Tom tumbleweed?
First, I'm going to derail you,
and then I'm going to pee on you again,
and then I'm going to take the whole thing for myself,
The deal is off,
Just give me my $100 back,
What the fuck is going on?
Oh, my sweet Jesus,
Oh, wait, is that a bee buzzing
around your shoulder there?
Karen, it's me, I'm so sorry about this
but I have something really important I have to tell you,
Ah-ha, ha ha,
- Ah ah ah! - So you're the one,
You, you're the one who stole my possessions, You're the butthole,
Yes, I stole your wallet, and your keys, and your car,
and I even gave out your address so they could fill that truck with all your jerk off shit,
Then you're the one who's going to pay for this,
Oh, and who's going to be the collector, you?
Well, as a matter of fact, yes, me,
Oh, I am really scared,
Now, get out of my way, I've got to,,, -
ow, ugh, oh,
Yes, it's like sartre said, well, fuck sartre,
"Everybody has a plan until they get hit in the face,"
That's Mike Tyson,
Fuck this shit,
Thanks, pop,
You were just teaching me how to survive,
I think you just have to trust your gut,
I think it's going to work out just fine,
- I think this is where we say goodbye, - Yeah,
Are you sure you don't want me to stick around just to make sure he shows up?
No, no, no, you should get to your hotel,
Yeah,
Just in case you need to get a hold of me, offer still stands,
Thanks, No, I really appreciate it,
It's my pleasure, Ake care,
- Oh, hey, Warren, - Yeah,
You forgot something,
Karen,
Orlando?
Looks like you underestimated him,
Good luck,
- Yoou came! - Oh,
I have to be honest, I didn't think you were going to show up,
No, no, no, nothing could have kept me from coming here tonight,
What the, what's up with the ice cream truck?
Baby, it's a long story,
Yes!
You can tell me all about it after a nice hot bath
and a glass of wine at your place,
Well, actually, we're not going back to my place,
I thought we'd spent your first night in town in a hotel, in a suite,
Yeah, alright, with room service, a bathtub,
- fit for a Princess, - Oh, really?
What's this all about?
Ah, we'll discuss it over champagne,
Oh,
You got me a welcome gift?
Hmm? -
oh my, oh my god, you propose?
Oh my, oh my god,
Where did, where did that come from?
- Yes? - Yes, I even yes!
Oh, my god, wait until I tell my mother about this, - Yeah, but where,,,
Sir, you've got to move your truck,
Oh, oh, my god,
It's the perfect size, How did you know?
J call me daddy j
j whisper in her ear j
j call me daddy j
js her and her best friend j
j call them to come out j
j now you in love ah j
j excuse me, miss what's your name j
j got a pocket full of dollars let me be your change j
j and I'm loving the way your body fit in them jeans while we for this we get j
j ine rest to take a walk in my dreams j
j letsgo j
[ominous musicl
Congratulations,
For what, for escaping?
No, on the places you'll go,
Well, let's go,
Think it's time to call it a day,
J stars and stripes forever j
j stars and stripes forever j
[Mariachi musicl
J imma please all my girls be the baddest j
jd j
Jd j