[man in voiceover] You're probably wondering what the hell I'm doing out here
in a 110 degree heat,
I wasn't always so desperate,
At one time I made huge cash and lived like royalty
as I gambled the nights away with the Hollywood elite,
[slow music]
I made poker in LA hip
and made every big hitter scratch and crawl their way to my game,
Now,,, I was the one doing the crawling,
He looks like shit,
Relax, I just forgot my sunblock,
[reggae music]
Yeah, I was the king of Hollywood poker alright,
I thought it would never end,
My name's Duke Madson, I was an actor,
At one time I made good money in a whole lot of movies,
[pop song] ¶ Life is sweet, yay Under my umbrella ¶
¶ Baba baba baraba baba Baba Baba baba baraba ¶
[Duke] After Hollywood spit me out,
I scraped by doing pitch work and other hack jobs to make a buck,
Hey! You wanna see what else this mop can do?
[audience cheering] Yeah!
[camera beep] [man] Emphasis off the "can,"
Like what? Give me a reading,
[man] "Wanna see what else this mop can do?" Action!
Hey! You wanna see what else this mop,,,? Hey!
[man] "You wanna see what else this mop can do?"
[man 2] That was nice, [man 3] He's been drinking,
[man] I'd like to zoom in after, [man 2] I'd like to zoom out,
[man] And action! You know what?
You wanna hear other things? [man] Set,
[man] You're doing "And,,," Okay, come on, Can do!
[man] Keep your body still, And action!
This does everything, It'll scratch your back, It'll put you there,
You put the fucking thing in the water, Who gives a shit?
Let's hear some other things this mop can do!
[audience] Oh,,,
[Duke] After that was over, I was broke and desperate,
To support my family, I started up what I knew best:
A poker game,
Back then, I had my regular crew,
Okay, are we having fun yet, huh?
Here we go, Nickel, nickel ante,
[Duke] It was five card draw, Seven card stud,
And, of course, Texas hold 'em,
There was Danny, The Magician,
He'd come in his beat up magician's outfit, top hat and all,
He was also a terrible player,
Go ahead, Midge, it's on you,
Don't call me Midge, I'm a little person With a big cock,
[Duke] That was Bobby Sanders, AKA Peanut, A former jockey at Santa Anita,
And, hey, can I get a pillow for this chair?
I feel like I'm sitting in a fucking coffin, Jesus Christ!
[man] He's nervous for a jockey, [Duke] My crazy brother Carl,
[Duke] Carl used to be a top publicist in Hollywood until he screwed that up,
He was a two-bit hustler, to be honest, He was also an incessant namedropper,
Did I tell you guys I used to play strip poker
with Hugh Hefner at the Playboy mansion?
[man] Ay,,,
But the Playmates were naked from the beginning, It defeated the purpose,
[man] You're told to have stories already, They're very bright,
[Duke] And then there was Wing, Two hundred for me,
[Duke] He was a harmless action guy I met years ago at the racetrack,
He was the happiest loser I ever met,
Smoked me like Korean barbecue, [man] Abracadabra!
[Duke] But the secret to my game was to keep everybody happy,
And what a game! Over the years it got bigger and better,
We were playing two to three times a week,
Players were coming out of the woodwork,
My beautiful wife KC would work the phones like a car salesman,
Curt, are you in or are you out? I need to know,
[Duke] I knew every trick and nuance from the start,
When to bet, when to bluff, and how to read their tells,
Hey, KC, when the new guy has a big hand, he twitches, Write that down,
Okay, And Danny the Magician, Huh?
When he's bluffing, he yawns, It's a horrible tell,
Got it, Here we go, He's crushing it!
We're gonna play a round of hold 'em but limit,
[Duke] I was the ring leader,
A friend, a drinking buddy, and a banker,
Gentlemen! [Duke] Money was rolling in,
Then came my friend Sandor,
You wanna say it's carnival? Let's dance, Let's dance,
[Duke] Sandor was a compulsive gambler who came from a rich South American family,
Rumor was his mother would send him a million dollars every year,
and by year's end, he'd always gambled it away,
Another thing that made this game great
was there was always some kind of crazy prop bet,
[Duke] Props were side bets, Wait a minute, I won,
We bet thousands on all kinds of stuff, You name it,
Oh! Oh! Get off me! [men laughing]
[man] He's gonna lose it, [man 2] Thirty seconds left!
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen!
You're gonna make it! [Duke] Okay, great, back up,
[men] Go back, go back, Fuck you! Be specific!
Your right, your right! [man] He's gonna kill himself!
No, no, no, no, no!
[man] Damn it! The little runt did it!
[Duke] All in all, we were happy, We were out of debt, Things were beautiful,
Hundred, [bell ringing] I'll go,
[Duke] Then,,, it happened,
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Duke] A holdup, Holy,,, Fuck!
Put the fucking cash on the table! Now, assholes, now!
[Duke] He took us for everything, Gosh!
KC had had enough, We had to move the game,
Beverly Hills,
Swimming pools, movie stars,
I found this perfect spot in the back room of the Cuba Club,
What do you think? This will do,
[Duke] With KC by my side, the game exploded,
It became the biggest underground game in the city,
Doctors, lawyers, B-level celebrities, Nobody could play worth a damn,
Hey, hey, how are you? What have I missed so far?
[Duke] Like this big guy across the table from me, a local attorney,
Sounds about right,
Duke, Rob McNeely, brother! Nice to meet you, man,
[Duke] Who I found out quickly loved to crush your hand,
From that day on, I called him "Squeeze,"
Ready? Right card,
[Duke] Carl would hit up the new marks with old school con games,
KC hosted, did the books,
The stakes got naturally higher, and so did my winnings,
I was winning so much cash, we had to bury it in the back yard,
[KC] Watch my fingers, Watch my fingers! Ow!
[Duke] Then a few years later, the poker boom hit,
That guy just bet a million with nothing!
[Duke] It was all over TV,
And everyone wanted to play my game,
Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Sebastian, Good luck,
[Duke] Sebastian Salter, the hottest young director in Hollywood,
Humble, compassionate, unassuming,
These were qualities Sebastian would never have,
How're you doing? I'm Duke, I run the game,
I know who you are, You're the pitch guy, huh,,,
You sell catheters and diapers and all that shit, You're very talented,
Glad you enjoy the products,
[Duke] I knew this guy was gonna be trouble,
[Duke] But I also knew he'd be good for the game,
Yo, Sebastian,
I'm Carl, Duke's brother, How're you doing, man? Big fan,
I used to be a publicist, I handled Stallone,,,
Oh, you handled Sly, did you? No, Frank,
Anyway, welcome to the game, man, Big fan, big fan!
Yeah, yeah, Okay, Good to see you,
Check, This might break your heart,
Too easy, this is too easy,
[Duke] This guy was good, I thought I was with real men,
[Duke] And I mean very good,
What was that, third hand tonight? Here, sweetheart,
Hey! Hey, Pitchman, Am I good?
Yeah, Sit down, Sit down, Relax, Nice win,
Nice win, What? About ten grand?
Eleven actually, but who's counting?
It's barely enough to cover a weekend in Turks and Caicos,
But, I like this, and I like what you've done with the place,
This is fun, I like it a lot,
Man, well, you should, you're a good player, You've been playing a long time?
Mm,,, Six months, Yeah, about six months,
Yeah, I've got a photographic memory,
IQ of 175, I don't brag about it too much, but it's important that you should know,
I watched a lot of poker on TV, I learned, now I'm basically pro level,
Nobody likes a bragger,
Anyway, enough about me, How about you? How'd you feel about my being here?
I don't want to make you uncomfortable having a ringer at the table,
It's your game, No, you're not, You're fine,
You're in the game, It's nice to hear,
It's nice to hear 'cause I've got a plan,
I say we get rid of all these amateur fucks,
I mean ruin 'em, Take 'em to the fucking cleaners, You know what I mean?
Put 'em out on the streets, Put down a lot of good money, you and me,
All we gotta do is get rid of the good players,
Wait, Slow down, Okay? I can't get rid of my friends because they win, you know?
Ah! Just one of my rules,
Also we don't rake here, you know?
We quit at two o'clock and we never cherry pick the players,
We have a friendly poker game,
I get it, I'll be your soldier, brother,
I'll be fucking Tom Hanks in Private Ryan, you know what I mean?
Only better looking,
[Duke] After just a few hours with this blowhard,
where all he did was brag and talk about his new found poker idols,
Doyle Brunson, Puggy Pearson and Amarillo Slim,,,
Now, come on, Puggy Pearson gave Doyle Brunson the same bet in the eighties,
Those guys were out of fucking control, That's when men were men,
[Duke] ,,,,who he always misquoted,
[Sebastian] "If you can't spot a sailor at the table, you're it,"
[Duke] Then he started bragging about other things,
Did I tell you I was a black belt in karate?
Ay! [Duke] This guy was a nut bag,
[Duke] And as we say in poker, I was priced in, and I had to see the flaw,
[Duke] With Sebastian playing, he brought in some high rolling friends,
like Angry Jim, who was in the meat packing industry, Or something like that,
Hey, assholes, help push the chips over here,
You want me to throw you down a flight of fucking stairs?
I'll do it, you motherfuckers,
[Duke] All I know is, you didn't mess with this guy,
[Duke] Then there was Puppet Hank,
who made millions years ago in the dot com business,
[Duke] He was a wannabe ventriloquist
who never went anywhere without his creepy puppet,
[Duke] But when he'd go broke, he'd go a little Tourette's,
Fuck you!
What did he say? I didn't say shit,
This one said, "Fuck you," Hank, put the puppet away, Okay?
Relax, Get some therapy, Alright, Fuck you, fuck you,
bitch, bastard, bitch, bastard, fucking shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck you,,,
[Duke] With Sebastian in, things were going great,
[Duke] He even livened things up by giving Carl an interesting free role,
[Carl] Who's got the black Audi? [laughs]
Fuck, man!
Hey! Three more months, twinkle toes!
If you come anywhere without wearing your D-cup, it's off,
[Duke] My crazy brother Carl,
For fifty thousand, he had to dress in drag for three months, Pathetic,
[reggae music]
¶ Yeah, na boy, na ¶
¶ Okay, Don't need no introduction ¶
[Duke] As the game grew, it was very clear,
Sebastian was a winner,
How can you fucking call that? Hm?
[Duke] But I was the one player he couldn't beat,
Lucky son of a bitch,
[Duke] And he hated me because of it,
[Duke] As time went by, we took lots of gambling trips together,
Cabo, Vegas, Miami,
But then we always came back to the golf,
Chucky Burns,
Television star, drug addict, drunk,,,
But just a sweetheart of a guy,
He has no idea, I haven't been outside for days,
Yeah? That's great, Alright, we got a four-way scramble,
three ways with the cube, I got Chucky,
I'll take Puppet Hank, Sandor, and Carly, 2000 a man, What do you say?
No, you're not taking Carly, She's playing on for six, I want her on my side,
[Duke] Okay, I'll take Squeeze then,
You take Squeeze, but stop coning me,
I'm not coning you, You're taking a piss,
Stop it, Okay, I'll take drag boy then,
Nobody's taking drag boy, Carly's staying with me,
[Duke] Puppet Hank, Put down the puppet,
You have to put that,,, You're on my team, He's,,,
Put it down, He's caddying me, You can't have him,
I got him, Fucking no, Carly, you're gonna caddie me,
Carly now? Don't make me punch you in the vulva!
[Duke] Ah, easy!
I hit the tits off of that one! I hit the tits off of that one!
[Carl laughing]
Well, he just ruined tits for me the rest of my life,
[Duke] We'd play all day, Eighteen, sometimes 36 holes in one afternoon,
Action bets on everything,
Give me your best shots, bitches, Fire!
[Duke] Like the five grand, hit the sucker bet for fifty yards out,
where our group had two minutes to hurt our victim,
Yeah!
[moaning in pain]
[Duke] After golf, we'd pay off the rangers,
Gentlemen! [Duke] Squeeze always insisted,
[Squeeze] Thanks for your troubles,
Ah!
Don't worry, I didn't forget you,
Oh! Jesus!
Be good, now, Thank you, Fuck,
[Duke] Then, it was payoff time,
[Duke] Afterwards, the real laughs came
when the guys got drunk and made stupid prop bets,
like the time Angry Jim and Sebastian bet 25 grand each
that the new golf caddie could eat 50 donuts in one hour,
And if you don't eat it, I'm gonna fucking stuff 'em up your ass!
[Duke] It was an impossible feat,
[Duke] About a half hour in and 25 donuts down,,,
Atta boy, you,,, Don't you fucking hurl on me!
[Duke] The poor kid turned green and ran out the place to take his one barf rule,
[Duke] But he returned quickly, and to everyone's surprise,
the kid ate the other 25 and won the bet!
Beautiful! Beautiful!
[Duke] Found out a couple months later,
the caddie had an identical twin brother,
[Duke] Angry and Sebastian set us up to perfection,
[Duke] You had to watch these guys, You never knew who was coning who,
Boys, I had my first cigar at five and first piece of ass at ten,
Was it consensual?
[men laughing] Yeah, your mom said it was okay,
Got you! Carly, close your legs,
I can see your balls by your knees, Disgusting,
Listen, I've got an idea, Walk to Vegas in seven days,,, A mil,
[men whistling] Walk to Vegas? That's,,,
Million dollars, Interesting,
Amarillo Slim and Doyle Brunson, Yeah,
He laid down a bet forty years ago, Forty years,
No one here can do it, I'm certainly not doing it,
Come on, Prove me wrong,
Listen, It's easy to figure out, Forty miles,
Yeah, A day, Because it's 280 miles,
No, It can't be done,
It's more like nine days, maybe ten, Or eleven,
Eleven! You can't do that in seven days, It's impossible, unwinnable,
Forget it, I'm not doing it, Me, neither, No chance,
I'd be lucky to walk to the car, [men laughing]
[Duke] But later that night, Sebastian showed his true colors,
[Duke] When he took Sandor back to his house and beat him for 250 grand,
[laughing]
[Duke] I found out about it a few days later,
Oh, come on, you're acting like a little bitch,
I told you, Sebastian, don't hijack my players, especially my friend Sandor!
He's a grown man, He knew what he was doing,
What's a fucking goat doing here? I asked for a camel,
You broke the guy when he was stone cold drunk!
No one's heard from him in days! [Sebastian] I don't know,
Maybe he's gone back to South America, scrounging another mil off his mother,
I mean, the point is, it's not my fault,
As the great hustler Amarillo Slim used to say,
"all is fair in a snake pit," Dukey,
[Duke] No, no, he said, "I'll put a rattlesnake in your pocket
and I'll ask for a match," you moron!
Alright, you ask me, we go the car, we get a golf club,
and we pay that creep a visit right now,
Relax, Carl,
[Duke whispering] Golf club and a car, Psycho,
[Duke] Carl was especially mad at Sebastian due to a situation a few days before,
Redheads,
I've always been into redheads,
Well, too bad for you, 'Cause I'm not a redhead!
Got you,
[Duke] That little incident cost Carl fifty grand,
[Duke] Sebastian stiffed him on a technicality,
[Duke] As the years went by, the game shifted to mansions, hotels,,, Went to another level,
[Duke] My winning streak continued,
[Duke] I kept hiding most of our cash in the backyard, Just in case of the unknown,
[Duke] Then we were playing in this mansion in some day game
a couple of days before Thanksgiving,
[Duke] We were supposed to quit that night, but Walter Brooks,
a wealthy billionaire friend of Sebastian's, was just getting started,
[Duke] Brooks was one of the most successful
diamond field and hedge fund owners,
[Duke] He was down over 200 grand that day, and he didn't blink an eye,
I'll buy another fifty, please, Me, too,
[Duke] Then there was Chucky Burns,
[Duke] The drunken, drug-addicted sitcom star having his own struggles,
[Duke] This was the game of games, The perfect storm,
[Duke] The problem was we played right into Thanksgiving Day,
and no one had any thoughts of leaving,
[KC] You know that we are four hours away from people arriving,
[KC] Where the hell are you? I'm killing it here,
I'm in the greatest game of all time! This could change our entire life!
If you don't get home soon, I'm gonna change your entire life!
[whispering] No! No, get out,
[Duke] Chucky lost a record seven hundred thousand,
[Duke] I won two hundred and fifty thousand of it,
[Duke] The biggest score of my entire life,
[Duke] A few weeks later, Angry Jim came by
to pick up money I owed him from a boxing bet, about 10 grand,
[sighing]
You made me come out to the San Fernando Valley,
You know they got poison gases out here that the government covers up,
Oh, by the way, did you hear?
That actor prick, Chucky?
His check bounced, Yeah I know, I know, Mine too,
He owes me two fifty, Don't worry about him, He's very good for it,
Yeah, Well if he's not, I'm gonna rip out his eyes and rape his fuckin' skull,
A little much? Maybe,
My blood sugar's low,
[Duke] Is that Carl? [groaning]
Carl! What happened?
Carl! Oh! What happened?
They took my car, They accused me of cheating,
Who? Who accused you of cheating?
The Mexicans, in the Calexico game!
They said I had phony dice! Did you?
Duke! That's out of line! Out of line!
How stupid do I look? [Duke] That meant "yes,"
[Duke] For years Carl would run down to this border town game in Calexico
in the back of a seedy bar and roll dice with scum bags and gangsters,
[Duke] It was just a matter of time,
Anyway, they took me out back in the alley,
Threw hot sauce in my eyes, Hot sauce!
And then the last thing I remember, they're beating my knee,
Look at this, Beating my knee with a frying pan,
[Angry] Frying pan? Fucking Mexicans, Always thinking of food,
[Angry laughing] Okay, alright, That's not funny,
Hey, Can you pay this guy? They took my whole roll,
Yeah, Yeah, No, I got it, I got it,
[Angry] I got you covered, [Carl] My God!
Can I stay for supper? [Angry] Here you go,
I'm starving,
[Duke] From that day on, my brother walked on sticks,
About a month later, Walter Brooks flew us all out to his Napa Valley vineyard,
It was to celebrate this new fancy wine he acquired for a zillion dollars ,
We were all having a blast, higher than the state of Colorado,
before the temple of doom cornered me,
That actor prick Chucky,,, He still hasn't paid me,
I know, I know, Angry, He's good for it,
Oh, man, Fucking pisses me off! Bad debts ruin games,
You know what I ought to do?
I ought to throw that cocksucker down a fucking flight of stairs!
Easy, Godfather, He'll pay,
[Duke] I sounded confident, but I was owed a lot of money, too,
[Duke] Chucky was back in rehab,
[man whistling] [clinking glass]
[applause]
Thank you, thank you, one and all,
[Walter] I want to begin by welcoming all of you to my home,
Even my degenerate group of gambling friends
who have set such a terrible example for me,
[laughter]
But seriously, I am a very lucky man,
[Walter] But wealth is of no value unless you have friends with which to share it,
I regard each and every one of you as my friend,
[laughing]
And because you are my friend, you are my family,
[Walter] It would honor me greatly if you would accept my invitation
to participate in my extraordinary good fortune,
Hear, hear! [applause]
[Duke] Checkmate, Slam dunk, over!
[Duke] The most successful business man in the world
just gave us an "in" to all his investment riches,
[Duke] Impossible for the ordinary man, But we were chosen,
Congratulations,
[Duke] As bad as Sebastian was, I owed him for this one,
[Duke] When I got back to LA, I rounded up practically all of our money,
[Duke] Total about 1,2 million and wired it immediately in to Walter's main hedge fund,
[Duke] Deep down, I knew money really couldn't bring you happiness,
[Duke] But right now, we weren't very deep, and we were really happy,
[Duke] Time went by and all was well,
even though Chucky went sideways and never paid anyone,
[Duke] Then, the day got real bad,
We are following breaking news tonight,
We've learned that billionaire Walter Brooks,
chairman of one of the most successful venture capital firms,
has been indicted by the US Government
for what appears to be running a Ponzi scheme,
Now his whereabouts are unknown at this time,
leaving disgruntled investors in ruins and desperate for answers,
What?
[KC] No!
[Duke] After days of phone calls to lawyers, cops, even FBI,
we finally realized that our money was gone,
[Duke] The worst part about it is that Sebastian told people
he never really trusted Brooks and never invested a dime,
[Duke] To make matters worse, he was having a game,
[Duke] My game with my players,
I got a knife and duct tape! And I'm bringing it!
Who do you think we are? The Sopranos? Get back in the car,
[Duke] Where's Sebastian?
What is all the excitement? Huh?
Ah! Dukemeister,
What the hell's going on?
You're relieved, big man, Thank you,
What's that? What're you talking about?
What are you doing? You having a game?
My game? And you don't invite me?
This is a hundred grand buy in, You told me you're broke,
You're trying to steal my game,
Wah!
Duke, remember, I'm sixth degree in black belt on martial arts scale,
Do not make me karate the fuck at you,
Okay, But for the record, it's fifth degree black belt,
It only goes up to fifth degree!
Not in Europe, It's a different fucking scale!
Different scale? Really? It's the metric system!
Explain, What do you mean explain?
Didn't you go to school? Yes, I did!
Right! Well, the metric system!
What are you talking about? The European metric system!
I know the metric system!
Is it fifth?
Fuck! That's embarrassing,
[Duke] With my game stolen and my bankroll destroyed,
I quickly tried to collect on my Chucky Burns marker,
[Duke] This whack job did owe me a quarter of a million dollars,
Hey!
Hey! Hey! You look good,
You look good, Thanks, You?
Yeah, I'm fine, You look good,
Very healthy,
[Duke] Look, I got a problem,
I'm really busted, I need money,
You owe me some money, Two hundred and fifty thousand,
[nervous laugh]
Do I really owe you a quarter of a million?
I'm not doubting you, I just have no memory of it,
Yes, Yes, you owe me 250 000 dollars,
Remember the Thanksgiving game? You got gobbled up,
Right, Right,
Can I offer you a line? No,
You want some of these? No,
Some of these? No,
Some of this? No,
Okay, So,,,
I wanna pay you, I wanna pay you the money,
Thank God, Thank God, I knew you'd come through, Thank you!
But I'm broke,
You're broke,
Yeah, No one's fucking hiring me anymore,
I don't get it,
Well, it's a shock to me,
Look, I'll see you around,
Hey Duke! Hey, uh, hey Duke, Duke?
I'm really sorry,
Hey, don't worry,
My old man used to tell me everyone goes broke, only bums don't come back,
You're not a bum,
No, I'm not a bum,
Winner, I'm a winner!
I'm a winner! Whoo!
[Duke] Months went by and things got worse,
[Duke] I was dead broke with bills to pay
and a family who acted like I didn't exist,
Hey! Love you guys!
Yeah, right dad, right!
[phone ringing]
[Duke] Then,,, a break,
Hello?
[Duke] A call from Sebastian to meet, He said he had good news,
[Duke] I was at his house in twenty minutes,
Beautiful, last, we'll sink a little bit lower
with each out breath, each inhale,
lengthen, from middle sternum to crown of the head,
each exhale sink a little bit lower,
there we go, One more in, press your in,,, Hey,
Now let's move,,,
[Sebastian] Get me a nice towel,
Namaste, Duke,
So, why am I here? To watch you audition for Peter Pan?
What, does this make you uncomfortable? Hmm?
Listen, the reason you're here,
I know you've had a tough time with Walter Brooks,
I know that prick Chucky still owes you some dough,
So I'd like to buy Chucky's marker off of you,
Really?
It's worth 250 grand,
Yeah, but rumor has it, he is one foot in the grave and he's MC Hammer broke,
You know? So, I'm thinking, I'll buy his marker,
Maybe it pays off in ten years, Maybe it don't,
But for forty grand, it might be with worth it,
Forty grand! No, that's ridiculous,
Okay, I knew you'd bargain,
I'm willing to go up, Sixty, But not more,
I'll take it,
Of course you will,
[Duke] With the sixty grand, I laid low for a while,
[Duke] And waited for the right game,
[Duke] A thing happens when you're used to playing
for a hundred grand and now you're playing for ten,
[Duke] You play bad, I lost the entire sixty in one night,
So,,, we're down to the two dollar tequila now, huh?
Pathetic,
Here's some bad news,
What? What is this?
Yeah, Great timing to sell to Sebastian,
Chucky's rich again, I heard he paid Sebastian back the 250 K weeks ago,
It gets worse, Read the part about who's executive producing the show,
Sebastian, Oh, my God! No, no!
Which means Sebastian knew he was doing the show
and he couldn't wait to hustle you, Fucking,,,!
You better just straighten up, you drunken fool, Alright?
You just got robbed again by that scumbag!
Time to get your balls back,
Let's snap this guy,
[Duke] About a week later, I met up with Angry Jim,
[Duke] I was gonna try and sell him my golf clubs for two hundred bucks
even though they were probably still worth a grand,
[Duke] I was desperate for money,
You made me come out to the valley again for these?
These clubs look like they've been through a war,
[Duke] Yeah, [phone ringing]
Hello,
What?
[Duke] Sandor was dead, He had a heart attack at the racetrack,
Sandor was a very special guy,
True gambler,
A man with great passion and many, many friends,
Don't seem like to me, There's what? Eight people?
If you were broke, Sandor would give you money,
He wasn't about himself,
Unlike other people in this room,
I think he's talking about you,
He was about giving, Oh, he gave,
He still owes me like twenty five grand,
Welcher, welcher,,, Hey, come on,
Sandor, you were a great man,
May the river card always hit you,
I'm sorry, So sorry,
You know, I think I'd like to say a little something,
Hey! You can't say a damn word! What? I'm paying my respect,
Respects? Respect him? Yeah,
You didn't respect him when you broke him
for 250 000 when he was stone cold drunk, did you?
Why are you bringing that up now?
Sit down, You sit down,
I will sit down, You sit down, I stood up first, You sit down,
Sorry, He's very emotional,
He's emotional, My apologies,
He's emotional right now,
Sit down, You sit down,
No, you sit down, Sit down,
I'm gonna sit down, Sit down,
He's insensitive, Insensitive! Yes!
[knocking on wood] It's a nice fucking box, What is that, oak?
I'm very sorry for your loss, Thank you,
[woman struggling]
[sighing] Hi, Papiana,
Oh! I'm so sorry!
Oh, sweetie, that was so beautiful,
Thank you, Thank you,
And thank you for what you said about my brother,
Thank you, Anyway, uh,,,
Every year my mother would send Sandor a sum of money to enjoy his life with,
Right, Anyway,,,
In honor of Sandor and your friendship,
my mother and I would like you to have this,
Oh,
[Wing] What is it?
[Wing] You're kidding! No way! Holy fuck! Oh my God! Oh my God!
[Wing] Duke just inherited a million dollars!
We're saved, We won't lose the house!
[Angry] Wow! Duke's rolling in the big money now, huh,
[Wing] Woohoo! My grandpa used to say
sometimes good can come from sorrow,
Hey, listen, Perhaps with this, maybe the old man here
could buy his way back in my game with this sort of money,
Relax, conman, I'll never play in your game again,
Why are you calling me names? Why is he being so hostile?
I was just coming over to congratulate you,
No, you weren't, You came over here because of this,
We have a little money again that we can get out of debt with,
You want to hustle it, I know you,
But I don't want your money, Good! Good,
Now please leave before I bust your face! How about that?
[Wing] Hey, come on guys, He's mean to me,
Now I am mad, I do want your fucking money, Hey, hey!
You want my money,
He is bragging about how he wins any prop,
Smartest man in the room, Right, Duke?
Don't know what you're talking about,
Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?
You pick a prop, Anything, Sound fair?
Head's up at poker? Game of golf, Whatever you want,
Be a big man, Put your money down,
You're not really thinking,,,
Babe, stay out of this, You know what I think?
I think the problem is that you've played the knowing gambler too long,
You're a has been who just wants to play
in his shitty little valley game,
I'll do it! Get your million ready,
[Wing] Oh, no, Oh God, Are you crazy?
We got our life back, now you want to risk everything?
Babe, Sandor would've wanted this, I've got the edge,
We'll win, Who's crushing it?
Not you! You're on your own!
This is without me, [Angry] That was awkward,
So, what's the bet gonna be?
A million dollar walk to Vegas!
Very sexy! Okay assholes, the bet is on!
Either one of you guys pulls out now, you owe a hundred grand,
[Angry] After tonight, it's two hundred! The overall bet is a million,
Extra betting is encouraged, Let's do this!
[Duke] We bickered for hours going over every little detail,
Okay, so three times a day for fifteen minutes,
Duke can come into the RV, use the restroom, the shower if he so pleases,
No! Twice a day! Tops, That's it, I'm not running a fucking hotel,
[Duke] Most of the big issues were settled on,
[Duke] I had to sleep outside, I could walk or run, 90 % in the daytime,
no hats allowed, and I could only eat or drink what I packed in my bag,
Now let's talk about the biggest issue of all: days,
Wait, wait, What's he talking about? We decided it was going to be nine days,
No, we said eight or nine days to be negotiated,
But I'm leaning towards eight,
Guys, get serious, I'm 48 years old,
Okay, the walk to Vegas in eight days is 36 miles a day, Impossible,
Yeah, There's no way he's going to make that,
Look at him, He's an old drunk,
Sorry, Duke,
No worries, [Angry] He does drink a lot,
That is true,
[Hank] Fuck, shit, fuck, shit,
Boys, he's been playing professional tennis his whole life,
He works out twice a day, He's conning us,
No, it's eight days, Take it or leave it,
Okay, you got me! Eight days,
And as long as you're stealing my money, how about this one?
How about seven days? [man] What?
What are you talking about? You're kidding?
I'll do it in seven days in the tradition of the Doyle Brunson bet,
But Doyle was 32 when he made that bet,
He was in superior shape, He could run a marathon in three hours in his sleep,
[man] Damn right, I suppose you'd want odds on it,
Yes, of course, I want odds, Big odds, or I'm out of here,
[man] That's right! That's crazy!
No, it's not, Seven days to walk to Vegas at 48 years old,
a semi drunk in hot desert heat?
Give us a break, He could never do it, so it's gotta be twenty to one, at least,
[man] Yeah, [man 2] Thirty!
[man] Thirty to one! That's what I'm thinking,
What do you think we should give him?
You think he can actually make it?
It can't be done, Not by him, It's a fucking lock,
Alright, alright, Here we are, Here we are,
In the tradition of the Doyle bet, we do it in seven days,
But big man here's gotta wear a suit, What? What?
A suit? You want me to wear a suit in the desert? Are you crazy?
[Sebastian] That was part of the original bet and you know it,
Seven days, you in a suit, I'll give you five to one,
This is crazy, You know Doyle never made the bet?
He stopped, He pulled off because he knew it was impossible to win, Yeah,
Yeah, because you knew about the suit, which I'm impressed by,
you must also know about the Jack Binion clause,
That his best friend Jack Binion could actually relieve him
the last 25 miles if need be,
That's it?
That's all you're whining about as our sticking point? Fuck, Alright, Deal,
[Duke] Deal,
You'd better warm up some,
[Duke] With only ten days to prepare, I had to move fast,
[pop song]
¶ You calm down, calm down ¶
[Duke] To make it official, all the money was put into an escrow account,
[Duke] Very reputable,
¶ And I'm bound, I'm bound In all our place ¶
¶ There is no sound No sound ¶
[Duke] I hadn't worked out this hard in years, But I was feeling great,
Hi, neighbor! Fuck you!
¶ Ey, ey ¶
I'm the king of the Valley!
I'm ready to go, Where are these guys?
They said noon, Yeah,
[musical car horn]
[man on speaker] Welcome, K-Mart shoppers!
Oh! Oh! Lookin' sharp!
So this is what a Valley looks like, huh?
Sweet RV, Sebastian!
Suck a dick, Carl,
[Carl] Yeah,,,
Where's the missus? Where's the boy at?
I thought you guys would be celebrating,
Have some confetti, some balloons,
I got my family covered, Don't worry about it,
Okay guys, Pops is leaving! I love you!
Fuck you! [door closing]
In case you don't know, they still aren't talking,
I fucking got it, Carl!
Alright, love, ready, huh? I wanna get out of here,
This Valley smog is burning my eyes,
Yeah,
[Hank laughing] Bye-bye,
Okay, million dollar walk to Vegas, begins now!
[Duke] 280 miles to the Vegas sign,
I had to win this bet,
I chose to wear the suit that I proposed to KC in, 13 years ago,
It was my lucky suit,
I took the old back route from the north end of the Valley through Santa Clarita,
All the guys had action on the bet,
most taking pieces on Sebastian's side,
[Duke] Just Wing and Carl making bets on me,
[musical car horn]
[man in speaker] Hey, Dukey, we're all having ice cream sandwiches,
[man] I don't wanna brag, but we are having ice cream sandwiches,
[Duke] I got through 40 miles on day one,
[Duke] I was right on schedule,
[animals howling and barking]
Thank you! Thank you, coyotes!
I'll be here all week!
I can't believe the bastard made Vasquez Rocks on the first day!
Vasquez Rocks? Isn't that where Rock Hudson shot that movie "Rio Bravo"
where he killed all those Indians?
I don't care, No, incorrect,
That would be John Wayne,
Did I ever tell you I handled his son Patrick back in the day?
You didn't, But you know what? I'm having trouble sleeping at night,
so why don't you call me later and retell that story?
[Duke] Day two I hit it early and sprung down the road,
[Duke] I cruised down Pearblossom Highway, And was making time,
[Duke] I breezed through the mountains like it was nothing,
[Duke] It was hot, but I was kicking ass!
[Duke] With the beautiful sun shining down, I was strong and full of vitamin D,
[Duke] My body was in its zone,
[Duke] I was excited about life and at total peace with the world,
Yo, Pops! You're fucking sick!
[laughing]
Come on, punks!
[Duke] Fucking millennials, They think they're all hot shit with their craft beer,
After that debacle, I started to hurt and slow down,
Around noon time, I felt tingling around my neck,
The start of heat stroke,
Alright, 15 minute RV break starts now!
Give him room!
[Carl] Okay! Okay, here he comes,
[Carl] Here comes the champ, You know something? You're getting a good tan,
[Carl] Uh oh,
Someone give him a cell phone, So he can call the misses,
Too soon?
I take it back,
Oh, my gosh! Yeah, it takes a real tough guy to hit a child,
[Carl] Hey! You're looking good,
[Carl] And you're feeling good! [Duke vomiting]
He's fine,
[Duke] That afternoon, I was dragging,
But with five million dollars to win, I pushed on,
There were times I'd get ahead of the RV,
They'd stall, have lunch or go to some sleazy strip joint,
I cut across a lot of open desert to make better time,
Of course, Sebastian wouldn't trust me,
so he hired this scout to walk behind me about a half mile away
just in case a motorcycle didn't pick me up and drive me ten miles down the road,
[Angry] Oh, we're fucked,
Duke's already gone a hundred miles in two days,
That guy's a fucking machine, Nah,
We'll be alright, He'll tire out after day three,
Nobody beats a fucking desert, Trust me,
[door knocking] Check or bet,
Hey, guys, it's too hot in here, I need some water,
Wonton, get the fuck back in there,
You pop out again, you lose the bet!
[Hank] Water? He wants water? I don't think so,
[laughter]
[Duke] By the end of day two I was exhausted,
And with everything at stake, I went into autopilot,
and made Victorville before nightfall,
Day three, Way ahead of schedule,
My body feeling surprisingly good,
I was off,
[police siren sound] [man in speaker] Pull over,
[police siren sound]
[Sebastian] What is this about?
I stopped you because you're slowing down traffic,
Ugh,,,I don't have time for this, I mean, clearly, you're insane,
How are we slowing down traffic when there is no fucking traffic?
Jesus Christ! Look,
I know for a fact that we paid all you hillbilly cops off,
Rather handsomely, I may add,
Who you calling a hillbilly? You,
Hey! What's the problem? What's the problem?
This silly hick fuck wants to shut us down,
Hey, sir, return to your vehicle! Now!
My what? Return to your vehicle now,
Do it! [Sebastian] What did he say?
[Duke] Let go! [Sebastian] My vehicle?
[Sebastian] They don't even speak English,
There they go with their guns, Get in there!
For fuck sake, Officer,
Vehicles, It's not even a word! Officer, Can I explain?
My name's Duke, I apologize for that guy, He's a movie director,
Oh, I know who he is,
And you Hollywood pricks think you can get away
with whatever you want, don't you?
Yeah, actually, I agree with you about Hollywood pricks,
They all are, I used to be an actor in Hollywood myself, Yeah,
But anyway, that guy in there, trust me,
he's the biggest Hollywood prick you'll ever meet,
You know what? I'm broke because of that prick, Yeah,
I can't support my wife and my kid, Honest to God because of that prick,
And, sadly I made a bet with that stupid prick
that I can, it's crazy, walk to Vegas in seven days,
A walk to Vegas?
Are you out of your mind? Yeah,
Maybe I am, I don't know, But I'm doing it, I'm out here right now!
I'm half way through and, officer, if you stop me now,
I will lose, that prick will have ruined me,
I don't know what I'll do,
I'm sorry I called you a silly fuck,
Wow, he really is a prick, isn't he?
Well, listen, You got a bet to win,
And I'm not gonna stop you,
You're not? Really?
That's great! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You know what the difference between a porcupine and a bus full of Hollywood types is?
No, not really, Don't know, I don't know,
The porcupine has his pricks on the outside,
That,,, That's funny,
That's the porcupine reference,,, That's good,
Yeah, yeah, I just made that one up,
Yeah, we got a little comedy club in Lancaster,
Sometimes, I go in there and I,,, It's a hobby,
I try out some stuff, That's clever stuff,
Great sense of humor,
If I was you, I would get off this road,
You wanna head out up over that mountain there,
It's a little terrain, but you're gonna be fine,
The road bends back around,
It's gonna be a real shortcut, save you a few hours,
No, you're kidding, That's beautiful,
Officer, I can't thank you enough, You are,,,
I'm so sorry about him, and you're fantastic! And you're funny,
It's been a real pleasure,
Oh, Yeah, Real actor,
Meeting a real actor,
You ever been in anything I'd ever seen?
Never, Probably never, Way back, Thank you though,
No, I've seen your face before, I know you,
Could I give you my card?
I can't really do that now, So, listen, you get going,
Okay? You teach that Hollywood prick a lesson, Okay? You hear me?
Alright, I will,
Hydrate,
Oy!
What's going on? Is it happening or what?
Yeah, it's happening! The race is still on!
And he agrees, You're a Hollywood prick!
Adios,
Now they tell me!
[Duke] What is this?
[Duke] Hillbilly help! [voice echoing]
Okay,
Is that irritating? Some shortcut your pal took,
[Duke] Hours later, I hit rock bottom,
[Duke] Literally,
[Duke] It was a miracle I even found the RV,
Alright, your call, Hey! What the fuck is that?
Come on, You're putting the heater on? Seriously?
I'm not fucking Ben & Jerry's, Carl!
[Sebastian] Freezing in here!
You hustling creep! You got to that cop!
I'm sorry, I can neither confirm nor deny,
You son of a bitch! You're gonna play that way?
Look, I've got millions riding on this, pitchman,
Remember all skinning is allowed in a snake pit,
That's "I'll put a rattlesnake in your pocket
and I'll ask for a match," you moron!
You're misquoting Amarillo Slim again!
[Duke] That little stunt by Sebastian cost me nearly six hours,
[Duke] So I decided to cash in on some of my limited night walking time,
[wind blowing] [Angry] Okay, Oh, look at that,
[Hank] You feel that? [Angry] Whoo!
I'm glad I'm in here and it's cozy, Are we gonna play?
[Hank] Some kind of crazy sandstorm?
[banging the door] Hey! Let me in!
Yes, can I help you? I'm blowing away! Let me in!
Duke, I'm sorry, big man, you've already had your break,
We've discussed this,
You cannot a take break within three hours of each other,
I mean, the rules are rules unless you wanna concede,
Concede, my ass!
Take your hand off my door handle, Dukey?
[Duke] Sebastian wasn't budging,
[Duke] I had to get the hazmat suit
that Wing had brought along for emergencies like this,
Come on, Sebastian, This is cruel,
Let him in! What do you guys worried?
[Sebastian] If he dies, he dies, Let my brother in, come on!
[Wing] Yeah! [laughing]
[Duke] I need the hazmat suit, The hazmat suit!
Huh? What's he trying to say?
The hazmat suit! I need it!
Little Dukey, What's he trying to say?
He's trying to communicate, He's trying to play charades?
Oh, I love charades, [Hank] So do I!
A thousand bucks a man to whoever figures it! Whip out!
[Hank] No one beats me, I can play at Betty White's house!
[talking at the same time] Give me something to write!
[Wing] Dirty mag, soft porn, He's cold, Rock the cradle,
A hazmat suit, Ebola!
Wings, wings, it must be airplane!
He's saying airplane, Write down "airplane,"
[Wing] Airplane, [Carl] Airplane,
Oh! Not airplane! E!
That's the letter E, Write down E!
[Wing] Hold on, Hold on, [Carl] E, E?
Yes! Yes, Got it!
Second syllable, Looks like he's pitching softball,
[Hank] Betty White cookies, [Carl] Softball? Yeah, softball,
[Carl] I know what he's doing, He's bowling,
Bowling? [Carl] Yes, Write down bowling,
[Angry] Don't know anybody who bowls like that,
Yes! Bowling! Ebola! I need,,,
[Wing] He wants the hazmat suit! He wants the hazmat suit!
[Wing] Got it! Got it! I win four thousand dollars,
[Carl] You'd better hurry, He's gonna blow away,
[Carl] It's not in the fridge, [Wing] I love this game,
[jazz music]
[Duke] Day four was torture,
[Duke] It was 110 in the cactus shade, I was exhausted before the day began,
Hey, Carl, Duke slowed down real bad today,
Something's wrong, Hey, Wing, get out!
[Sebastian] Five minutes, You know the rules,
Duke! [Duke panting]
Don't tell me,,, You won another game of charades,
[laughing] No, I came out for you,
You are very slow today,,, What? What happens?
You mean what's happening, Wing?
I tell you say "what's happening,"
I don't know Wing, it's a little hot,
My legs, they feel like cement, They don't feel good,
[Wing] Uh, oh, [Duke] Oh, man,
Duke, I'm worried about you, What? You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay,
Maybe I'm not, Maybe I'm not okay, Alright?
If you ask me, you know, I think it's your stride,
I don't think you're walking right,
I'm walking right, I'm just tired of walking,
You know what, right now you look very slow,
You know, you walk like this, Like a tired creature,
You know you have to think, like, a Olympic style speed walker,
You know? Like this,
You look like you have the runs,
It doesn't matter what I look like,
This is how the best walkers move, you know?
Like, uh, like walking the catwalk at a fashion show,
Yeah, move that high knee, Come on, move that high knee, Let's go!
Yeah! Yes! That's good, okay, Now add some speed, okay?
Yeah! Like, uh, like you're a model at a cat ramp,
Okay? Give me some attitude, Attitude! Ah!
It's not bad! It's not bad,
And now! Add those arms, Yes! Like a butterfly! Yes!
Like a butterfly! Oh, yeah, you're fine!
He's got a fucking trainer,
Swing the arms, I'm good,
I told you swing the arms, You're like a butterfly, Okay?
Yes! Think like a butterfly,
Yes, yes, yes, I'm going, We fly!
We're swimming, I'm going,
We're swimming on the ground, yes!
Like De la Renta! You know, these big legs,
I feel uncomfortable within my skin,
And I feel like I can't look away,
Yes! Yes! Like a butterfly! Oh yeah, you fly!
Dukey, you fly! Stop, stop, stop, stop,
I'm not a butterfly, You fly!
But, But, But, wait, My hips hurt, My hips hurt,
I know your hips hurt, but you got to look sexy like me,
[Hank singing] ¶ Dadadada ¶
[Sebastian] Already I look like Dolph Lundgren's younger brother,
Now, take your clothes off,
I mean, like, what if he said that?
What did you mean by that?
We were goofing on them doing the voice,
Why would you say he's taking his clothes,
Nobody's taking their clothes off, Already it's inappropriate enough,
Why would one of them be naked? Don't look at me,
You say way more disgusting things than me,
Hey! Hey! Why would one of them be naked only?
I thought it would be funny that,,,
I thought we were doing,,, Like doing a bit,
And one of them would be naked?
In the bit, In the joke,
[Duke] As the day went on, I continued on guts alone,
[Duke] The more I tried to forget the pain,,, The more it was there,
[Wing singing] ¶ Can you bake a cherry pie ¶
¶ Billy boy, Billy boy ¶
[Duke] At first I thought it was psychological warfare from the gang,
¶ Darling Billy ¶
[Duke] But then it was clear, Another prop bet,
[Duke] How many patriot songs Wing could sing word for word
in twenty minutes with an over and under of five,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
[Duke] Who knew Wing majored in patriotic folk music in college?
[Duke] And was a genius in his field,
¶ ,,,in is hat And called it macaroni ¶
[Duke] Bunch of gambling degenerates,
[Duke] Speaking of gambling degenerates,
when word spread back in Hollywood about the walk to Vegas bet,
everyone wanted to be a part of it,
[Duke] Squeeze showed at the party and crushed a few hands,
[Duke] Even Chucky showed up, fresh from his new TV series in a party bus,
[Duke] With just a few days to go and still ahead of schedule,
I decided to press my luck,
[Duke] I took some Korean herbs that Wing had been saving for me for emergencies,
[Duke] He swore it would give me tremendous power,
[Duke] I started thinking about my wife KC and my son,
[Duke] I had to win this bet, For their sake,
[Duke] Wing's herbs were making me feel sentimental,
[Duke] I took some more,
[Duke] This was the greatest day of my entire life!
[Duke] Then actress and poker player Jennifer Tilly showed up,
[Duke] Along with poker pros Phil Laak and Antonio Esfandiari,
No!
[Duke] This bet was getting so big, there was a betting line in Vegas,
When it comes to prop bets, you should always bet on the man,
[Duke] I was at Wimbledon, I was down five-two in the fifth set,
[Duke] It was ugly, You cannot be serious!
I don't think he can do it,
Can I sell some of my action to you because I am not feeling good?
Yes, I'll take it,
[Duke] What the hell was I on?
[Duke] Duke's here, yay!
Duke, I've heard so much about you,
This is incredible what you're doing,
Thank you, This is my girl, Jennifer,
It's an honor, Hi, Jennifer,
So nice to meet you, You are a legend,
Everybody is talking about you,
Far and wide, Not just the East Coast,
Talking about you in Europe, Everywhere, everywhere,
You can finish a bet like this, Do you know why?
Why? 'Cause you're having fun!
It's all in the power of the mind!
We just wanted to see how you're feeling before we put any money down,
Don't take any breaks at this point,
You take a break, your body will seize up!
Oh, boy, How are you feeling?
Not good, Oh, we should bet on the,,,
Hold up! Hold up!
I gotta shake your hands, Oh, okay, Hi,
No!
[Duke] I got out to finish the rest of the day,
Wing was right about those herbs,
For some reason, I just kept going,
Hey, man! You got a buck I could borrow, man?
[traffic light] Wait,
Hey, forget it, man,
You're worse off than us,
I know, But I'm going to Vegas, [traffic light] Walk, Walk,
Vegas?
You ain't making it to Vegas, bro!
You look like Brad Pitt on crack!
[Duke] The rest of the afternoon was hell,
My knee was starting to blow up, and I struggled to go on,
There was some good news though, There was a rumor going around
that Sebastian knew I was so far out in front, he might want to settle,
That kept me going,
It's over, guys, I gotta get off this bet,
What are you talking about? You're only 90 miles out,
You're gonna make this easily, No, man, you don't know,
My knees are shot, They're shot,
It's killing me!
I'm serious, I gotta get off the bet,
Now look, I say we settle right now,
You settle for as much as possible before this thing gets really bad,
Well, there he is,
You're gonna die, huh? Fucking freezing in that RV,
[Sebastian] Hey, Guys,
How're you feeling champ? Good, Pretty good,
Yeah? Yeah,
You look a little shaky out there, buddy,
Shaky, no, I'm fine,
I like it, Good, Good,
I've been thinking about it,
I'm thinking 'cause we're friends, maybe,
Maybe I'll be open to a deal,
A deal? Yeah,
A deal? Why? A deal, man?
Why would I do a deal? 'Cause you're a dummy,
I'm ninety miles out, Got three days to do it, can probably do it in two,
So, Do you think he can do it?
[Carl] Yes, he's gonna do it,
Yeah? You got his back, hm?
I tell you what, Hey, look,
Because I have this horrible sunburn and I'm a nice guy,
You know what?
You give us three million bucks, Not a penny less,
And we'll think about it,
Three million?
I gotta lock, We're gonna be in Vegas two days,
That's it,
Yeah, Alright, Alright,
Call it, square, What do you think?
Ah, fuck, I don't know, I suppose so,
Works out for everybody, You know?
Then it's over? It's a deal?
Just in time, It's, uh, a little surprise I have for you all,
Just before we lock this down, you know, set it in stone,
Come with me, You're gonna love it! Come here!
Oh, Thank you, Lawrence, My friend,
So, guess who I found playing poker in an Indian casino down in San Diego?
Any takers?
Who's under hood number one?
Sandor?
What the fuck is going on?
Fucking moron,
He's alive! Thank God!
Yes, thank God! Thank God,
Shut the fuck up, Carl, It's a scam, Don't you understand that?
Of course he fucking understands, He's in on it,
Oh! Come on, guys,
Why did you do that?
You motherfucker! You're next!
Alright, everybody get back!
Get out! Go on! You want it again, you piece of shit?
You will be dead!
Get in the bus, All of you, Move it!
Come on! Shut the fuck up!
Who! Whoa! Whoa! Shut the fuck up!
So this asshole is still alive?
Which means there ain't no will, There ain't no mil,
What were you betting with, Duke?
Nothing,
You were using a fake escrow guy, Right, Carl?
Yeah, It's true, My buddy Max, Great actor,
Did a lot of theater, Crossdresser, actually,
I don't need a fucking monologue, Carl!
You guys were trying to rob me? I'm insulted,
Guys, relax, If I lost the bet, I was gonna get you paid, I guarantee it,
What about when you hustled me with Chuckey's debt? Huh?
What about when you made me climb up that mountain,
lose six hours with your cop friend? Huh?
Whatever happened to all's fair in the snake pit?
I guess he's kinda got a point,
Yes, The point is, is he wasted my time,
Laid down a bet and he don't have the money to back it,
It's insulting,
I was hustled, I'm telling you, Duke, Even I wouldn't go that low,
[man] Take it easy, [man 2] Don't do that,
Step the fuck back!
[Sebastian] This fucking bet is over, and you guys are done,
I'll back him,
The dead has risen, Chucky, you're hammered, Go back to sleep,
Why?
Look, seems to me this bet could still happen,
You want to take a walk? [man] Chucky, Alright,
[Sebastian] What the fuck are you talking about?
See, Chucky, you can't blow your money, man,
My knee is bad, It's shot,
Okay, there's no guarantee out there,
Hey! His fucking knees are fine!
They've been that way the whole race!
I'm not worried,
Okay, No worries, No worries,
But the line is no longer five to one, It's even money,
So tell me big boy, can you get five million by the morning?
Yeah, Can you?
Can I? It's in the van, My boys just collected it,
Wait a minute, There ain't no free ride for this guy here,
Chucky, you're down for four mil,
But the last mil is on Duke here,
[Wing] What? [Angry] Yeah,
He's gotta have pain in this game,
Are you kidding? I'm broke, You know that,
A few seconds ago, you had a way to cover it,
Now you're broke, That's your fucking problem,
Bad shit's gonna happen if you stiff me,
[Sebastian] Alright then, Bet's back on, Five million dollars,
That's it,
A game of poker? Huh? Come on,
You fucks have balls, I'll give you that,
You're crazier than I thought,
I'm an actor,
Besides, you said only bums don't come back, I'm betting you're not a bum,
[Angry] We're gonna win, right?
Listen, His knees, Shot,
His feet no good, That's real, He's done,
Tomorrow's gonna be about one-twenty, so there's a good chance he might die,
God willing,
[Duke] Ninety miles to financial freedom, I was ready,
I took my maximum six anti-inflammatories and was off,
I took the old highway hidden away from the average world,
I always heard people that got shot, they didn't really feel any pain,
They'd go numb,
That's where I was right now,
Day six was a blur, I continued on guts alone,
I slept for twelve hours straight, with horrible nightmares,
¶ Home again, when Johnny comes marching home ¶
[Duke] I woke up early drowning in sweat, I got myself ready,
[Duke] Day seven, The last day,
[Duke] Twenty-five miles to the Vegas sign,
[Duke] I had to do this,
[Sebastian] It's over, You're a has been,
[KC] You're not doing this,
[KC] We got our lives back and you're going to risk everything?
No! [KC] You're on your own,
Stay away! [KC] This is without me,
[KC] Be a big man, Put your money down,
[Angry] But the last mil is on Duke here,
[Angry] Bad shit's gonna happen if you stiff me,
[Angry] You want me to throw you down a flight of fucking stairs?
[homeless man] You ain't making it to Vegas, bro!
How're you doing there?
You're gonna have to say it,
You're done,
Oh,
Oh, I'm done,
[cheering and laughing]
With only twelve miles to go!
Duke Madson cannot answer the bell,
[laughing]
Alright kids, what do you say? Little drinking?
[cheering] Hold on everyone! Hold on,
You might want to hold off on your celebration,
What'chu talkin' bout, Willis?
[Sebastian] Pour the drink, [Angry] Please,
[Angry] What you talking about? [man] Come on, Alright,
It's not quite over yet, What are you talking about?
I have this, What the hell are you talking about Carl?
I'm talking about the Jack Binion clause,
Binion, He's right! He is right!
Sit the fuck down, He's just conceded,
No, he said "he's done,"
And according to the Binion clause,
it says that anyone in the RV in the last 25 miles can take his place,
So we're not done yet, Yeah! That's right!
[Wing] Exactly, [Squeeze] Right!
Alright, Alright, yeah, Okay,
It's in here, but it also does state that I get to choose who replaces him,
And I can pick anyone in this RV, Huh?
I'm ready, Anybody I want,
[Sebastian] Anybody,
And I pick you, Carl, [Wing] What? No!
[laughing] Oh!
You can't do that, It's not fair,
Hey! You, shut it, Alright? Zip it,
You'll be dead in like three minutes, Relax,
The man's on crutches! He's a gimp, He can't even walk!
[Sebastian] So, Carl, what's it gonna be?
Can you get your ass out there?
If not, you quit, just like your brother did,
Fucking hustler, huh? I've been called worse,
Tick-tock,
Okay, Okay, Yeah?
Chop, chop, Sunshine, cause we've got a,,,
Hey don't get all butt hurt on us, okay, there, sticky boy?
It's a lot of cobblestones out there as well, Go easy,
[Wing] Good luck, Carl,
[Hank] You can do it, You can do it,
Bro, that's ill advised,
Look at that little name dropper go!
Hey, don't get too excited, alright?
He's got twelve miles to go and three hours to do it in,
It's basically impossible,
Really? Yeah,
What are the odds on impossible?
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
Look, that gimp has no chance, Wait, wait, wait, Shh!
He's a big boy, He knows what he's doing,
Feeling frisky? Are you lush? Huh?
Give you five to one on it, Oh! Don't do it, Don't do it,
I'm in, [Wing] What?
Three million more,
Three million? To your fifteen,
Fucking hell! He's got some balls, isn't he?
I like it! My man knows how to gamble! I'm in!
Yeah, baby, [Wing] Okay,
[Duke] With the extra money bet, eight million on me and Carl now,
Sebastian was in for twenty,
And it didn't look good,
As time went on, it was apparent,
[Duke] Carl wasn't going to make it,
This is not right, Sebastian, The man has no chance,
[Duke] Everyone wanted the bleeding to stop,
Wing and Sandor wanted to settle for eighty cents on the dollar,
But Sebastian declined, He wanted all their money,
Chucky, get your dough ready, No one beats me, huh, big man?
[Duke] Then, something happened to Carl,
A determination I hadn't seen since he stole my girlfriend in ninth grade,
What the fuck's he doing now? Moving like that?
[Angry] You gotta be fuckin' kidding me,
What heart, what determination from the name dropper,
Now shut that fucking puppet up, will you? Fucking shit,
Is this possible? Can the gimp really be doing this?
[Duke] Five and a half miles outside of Vegas,
with only 42 minutes left, Carl was still pushing hard,
Ah! Ah-ha, yeah!
[Angry] He's quitting, It's over,
[Angry] It's over!
[Angry] Show me the money, baby,
[Angry] What the fuck is he doing?
[Wing] Ey,,, There,,,
[cheering]
He's sprinting? Now he's fucking sprinting!
How can he be doing that?
[Wing] He's three miles out! He can make it!
[Wing] He's only got two miles to go! Go!
Move it! Ah!
Go!
[Duke] I see the Vegas sign, Sprint, Carl, Sprint!
[Duke] Yeah! [Wing] Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!
[Duke] He's done it! He's done it!
[cheering]
[Duke] When Sebastian went to pay, it was like he was another person,
[Sebastian] No dramatics, no whining, no crying,
[cheering]
[elevator bell]
You had to cut it to the last minute, huh?
Thought I'd make it look interesting,
Besides, I thought I'd give us a chance to get more action,
Here's your cut,
A million bucks,
[Duke] What're you gonna do with it?
Definitely gonna hang around here for a few days,
Roll the dice with it,
I'm gonna turn this into ten mil,
Ever tell you about the time I played craps all night long
with Johnny Depp in this very hotel?
It's back when he was doing 21 Jump,,,
Hey! Hey!
Hey, Johnny's my best friend!
A toast! Yes!
[Duke] It took Carl three years to set up his mark,
So you're telling me you're gonna walk around on crutches
for who knows how long just to set one of these guys up?
Yep,
Alright, a toast,
To my brother Carl, We did it!
Twenty million! [everyone] Yeah!
Hello, Sandor is dead,
Wait for it, Wait for it! Emotion!
What?
Who's crushing it?
Okay, guys! Pops is leaving! I love you!
Fuck you!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry I was cussing, You know that we're just acting, right?
You want a hot fudge sundae?
We are, and we always will,
Well, we still have each other,
[Duke] Yeah, let's hear it for Chucky birds! What a performance!
Look, Carl does not really need crutches, It's a sting,
You in?
[Wing] Duke just inherited a million dollars!
[Duke] I never did go back to the big game,
With the five million I won,
with Chucky's four million dollar free roll incentive,
I spent more time with my wife and my son and never looked back,
Then I landed a great gig as a poker host of a big show,
And I've been doing it ever since,
Now, the big game's behind me,
And the poker needle slowly disappears,
I don't miss it much either,
But not a day goes by that I don't think
about that bet in the desert and what we pulled off,
[pop song]