رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
[Male Radio Host] Don't forget to plug in your cars and bring out the winter woolies,
[Female Radio Host] But the weirdest thing is it'll be going back out and
this will all melt almost as fast as it came
[Male Radio Host] Global warming or just weird weather?
Or cow methane or God knows what, eh Lily?
[Female Radio Host] You bet, Lar--
[Car door opens and closes]
[Cigarette lighter flicks]
It probably won't surprise you to hear that this wasn't
what I pictured when I decided to become a thief,
You know, I imagine myself roaming the globe with an
all-star team of criminals stealing rubies from shieks
Cracking safes in Shanghai
and then counting my millions on a beach somewhere,
But before I knew it, instead of the hula girls and the mojitos,
I was here, working alone, freezing my ass off
Trying to steal something from a house while the cops were already inside,
And if I didn't pull this off I'd lose everything,
Sure I'd make some lasting relationships in prison,
but that wasn't my preferred option,
Nope,
♪ Come find me I, leave no trails ♪
♪ A criminal flippin'’ it wholesale ♪
♪ We killaz and cowboys in hotels ♪
♪ On the run from the law we know well ♪
♪ The game I know so well They put me in jail but I post bail ♪
♪ Aint riding no coat-tails
♪ Expect my name in no folk-tales ♪
♪ My daughter prays for me Search the bible for a verse ♪
♪ It's more likely that you'll find me In a hearse than a church ♪
♪ In hell I'll be in good company ♪
♪ But a father though needs an honour code ♪
♪ I got street smarts, made honour role ♪
♪ Got a steel heart and a troubled soul ♪
♪ Tell the Devil get out cause I rob a home ♪
♪ To the brimstone and fire For redemption, no desire ♪
♪ Ghostwriter can't save me In Hades I might retire ♪
♪ In hell I'll be in good company ♪
♪ There's secrets you can'’t hide ♪
♪ Extortions or the bribes
♪ Up is where the jig lies Small town big lies ♪
♪ Oh lord I aint coming home with you ♪
Now this fucking clusterfuck
started about six hours ago with a call from [ding]
Iron Stripes is a proper thief under Don's wing
It was a living, but there's no future in robbing warehouses
and shipping containers,
I had to build something bigger for my family, and myself,
So I quit, And he actually let me,
[Don] Gus, it's Don, We need to talk,
[Gus] Now even though I was out, you do not ignore a call from Don,
So I had to detour the whole family from a trip
to my mother-in-law's birthday party to go meet him, and see what was up,
Gus, you do not want to play with me today, I thought you
said that you were never working with Don again,
[Gus] Now I know what you're thinking here, But
you'd be wrong, Diane didn't want me to go straight, She wanted me to
be better at being crooked,
Like any married couple we had our hopes, and dreams,
[Diane] Honey, do you know what good husbands do? Hmm?
What do good husbands do, darling?
Good husbands bring home the bacon,
Bacon!
That's right, bacon!
Well honey, I can't bring home the bacon
if I've gone away for a long time in the big house,
Don't go away daddy into the big house!
I'm not darling,
Well if you keep hanging out with losers like Don
you won't have to get locked up to go away for a long time,
[Gus] I couldn't really blame her for being pissed off,
She was right, And for a long time now I
hadn't been delivering on my end of the deal,
I just couldn't seem to find a good score on my own,
[Diane] If you smartened up you'd bring home the bacon,
Ha! And then maybe, if you were really lucky, you'd get your
sausage eaten,
[Gus] But now looking back, it was stupid to even have talked to him,
Hi Uncle Don! Bye Uncle Don!
Hey kid!
[Gus] Don had a way of prodding, finding your soft spot and then twisting,
I got one minute, Don,
[Don] What are you, on a date?
Fifty-eight seconds don,
Stegman,
Stegman? The porn guy?
Yeah, the porn guy, He stole something of mine,
You're my best thief, I want you to go get it back for me,
Well I'm not yours any more, Don,
[Car horn honks impatiently]
You know, she blames you, She blames you for me not making enough money,
Can you believe that?
It was your choice to quit the crew, Your mistake, not mine,
Alright, what did Stegman steal?
He broke into my place, took some VHS tapes,
Security footage of that jewellery heist that went south
a couple of years ago, It was just Stegman, so I sent Lars,
[Scoffing] You called Lars?
Yeah,
They say, half a loaf is better than no bread,
But what if the bread is moldy, and borderline handicapped?
Lars was supposed to be my replacement,
But if there was a school for thieves, Lars would've been the kid that
took three years to finish the first grade,
I didn't know anyone who actually paid for porn any more,
But somehow Stegman was able to juice big coin out of it,
So what? He was suddenly stupid enough to start blackmailing Don?
And a bunch of criminals? Even Lars smelled something
wrong here,
But he didn't really expect to find Stegman already dead,
Two slugs, Double tap to the chest,
Clothes all over the floor,
Shaving stuff on the counter,
Women's shit all over the place,
The toilet's backed up?
[faint, muffled cry]
[tense music plays]
[Octopus] Lars,,, come to me,,, Feel me Lars,,,
[Lars] Huh?
[Octopus] Touch me, Come to me, Lars,,,
Touch me, feel me Lars, come to me,,,
Love me lars, love me!
[muffled cries]
Who are you?
I'm just the actress,
That dead shit in the shower, that's Stegman, Right?
Stupid bastard, Who did it?
I,,, I don't know, I was unconscious,
Stay there,
Stegman is dead?
That's stupid,
The hell?
[safe lock beeps]
[Screaming]
Jesus Christ! Fuck!
[grunting, groaning]
Lars? Lars sucks,
Well, now I can't even get in touch with him,
So I would like you to go in, See if you can suss this out,
Now?
[Car horn honks impatiently]
What?
Give me your balls you jackass!
Really?
You, me, Sergei, Kruger,
Jesus Don, it's been ten years since that clusterfuck,
What happened?
He's been blackmailing everybody on the tape,
I'm surprised he hasn't called you yet,
No, he hasn't called me yet,
[Angela] Dad, we've gotta go,
Twenty four Roanoke Avenue,
I'm not doing this Don!
[Gus] Come on doodle bug, we gotta hit the road, Give me that,
[Don] Gus, it's best you do this,
I don't have to best do anything, Don,
[Gus] The thing about Don is that he never did something for nothing,
He knows we can't get pinched for a ten year old crime,
He knows I know that, Therein lay my worry,
[Don] I got you,
[Gus] I just couldn't see the angle here, And God knows, Don always had an angle,
You said you'd be quick,
Whyn't you just honk the horn some more?
Yeah, keep it up smartass,
Mom!
I'm sorry sweetheart, And you smell like smokes,
I only had one, Back me up, doodle bug!
Just one, I counted!
What is that?
Hot dog!
I told my mom you quit,
I did quit, As of now,,, I quit, So you're not a liar,
And we'll tell her I was in a fire!
What kind of fire, Daddy? -A big one! And I saved a little baby!
And I went back for a cat but the baby lived and the cat blew up,
Let the cat live!
Shitballs yeah the cat lives! And I'm the hero of the story!
Okay, okay, you know what? Be a father and stop swearing at your daughter,
What did Don want?
Nothing,
Yeah, that sounds likely,
Uncle Don was sad,
Sweetheart I don't want you to call him that, okay?
Someone stole something,
Hey, how do you know that? -I hear stuff,
Okay, you see this is exactly why I don't want her hanging around him,
If you had had successful partners,
they would know how to make money and keep secrets from children,
You're so pretty!
And you're so ugly!
You're so pretty!
You're so ugly!
And you're so pretty!
And you're so ugly!
You're so pretty!
Okay okay okay stop that,
[Upbeat musical interlude]
Too fat,
Too ugly,
Too duckface,
Way too emo,
Oh she's perfect for you! [Don] Get your feet off my desk!
I talked to Gus,
He'll go,
So he went?
He'll go,
What do you mean he'll go?
He needs time to suss out the situation,
Dad, why do you even like him? Have you seen him with his wife? He's totally pussy-whipped!
I like him because he's not an idiot,
What if he doesn't go at all?
Do something!
Try Lars again!
[cellphone rings]
Fuck! Fuck!
[phone rings]
[coughs]
[Lars moans]
[Phone stops ringing] [Lars moans in frustration]
Where are we?
We're en-route,
No we're not!
Yeah,,, It's called a shortcut,
Gus,,, Gus I will completely lose it if you do this
[Gus] Of course it wasn't a shortcut, Diane can be a pain,
But she is not stupid
She wanted me to forget Don and just move on
But my gut was telling me something
Something different
This was the moment that I realized there was a real problem
Sergei was no fool
He was the muscle in Don's crew
And when I saw him here, I knew,,, This blackmail thing,,,
It holds water
[window breaking]
Massive bullet
Probably fifty millimeter,
But no holes in the glass
[Lars moans downstairs]
Hey!
Help me
Somebody help me
Who's there?
Hello?
Hey, help me
Hey,,, Help
Shut up! Who are you?
I'm just the actress
[Lars] I'm so glad you're here man
[Lars] My eyes are fucked man
Hey, help me out man
I help you Lars, come on
Oh thanks man, Oh my god this is so fucked up
I can't see anything oh my god I'm totally blind! It's so fucked up!
The Octopus and The Girl,,,
[laughs]
That is so gay
Tell me if I'm close
It's a heist movie meets tentacle porn
Hot young asian chick
comes to rob a drug dude's den
But things get crazy
And before her appears
A magical octopus
That is the embodiment of all her sexual fantasies
And there's a guy,,, He does you, you do him
The octopus comes and does everybody and best play, roll credits!
Ugh, everyone's a critic
Where are the tapes?
I don't think it's finished yet
The security tapes!
I,,, I don't know anything about them
[gunshot] [scream]
[gunshots]
[chuckles] you know I was hoping a midget would fall down from there
Every porn, needs a midget
[grunting]
Here we go
Ooh,,, Lars, [chuckles]
Lars? you are so much better when you're quiet
Tell me darling
What is your name?
[ding]
Evy
Evy?
And Evy, what is that thing that the midgets like to be called?
Little people
Really?
That is way more insulting
Okay, Evy
I just did you a huge favour
You will win one of those porn awards and be able to afford some good tits
Now
You help me too, huh?
You see, I think
You
Know
Something
No, nothing nothing
Where does he keep his important shit!?
Downstairs, Videos, boxes, there's all kind of shit down there
Good girl
[Evy] Can you help me now?
Help yourself
[espionage music]
[Gus] I am a carrer criminal
Now, There are only a couple of rules that we live by
Rule number two:
Don't tell other criminals your business
It protects you, it protects them
Diane's grandfather taught me that,
He was a legend in his day and he made sure Diane's dad was a proper thief too,
Which has made my recent losing streak so much worse, I think
the real reason Diane hid my profession from her family is that she
was just flat out embarrassed
[Diane] Ok sweetheart you remember what to say
if anybody asks you what your dad does for work? [Gus] Russian spy
[Diane] He's like an entrepreneur,
He works with money
[doorbell]
Okay, here we go
Hi mom, happy birthday
Thanks darling
You're late
My fault Mrs, Stewart, you can blame me -Oh get in here
Tell her about the fire daddy, tell her about the cat
Oh I will, go on in
Apparently we have a cat
Well that's lovely Angela,
I can't wait to meet him, Come on in
Is uncle harry here?
Oh yeah, I've seen him here somewhere with a drink in his hand
Now did you just trick me into getting you a cat?
Smart, eh?
Very smart, Now I've gotta make a phone call
can you make sure your mom doesn't find me?
Wait, First help me with my jacket
She'll think you're being responsible in a fatherly way
Are you sure you're my kid?
Alright
Take that off
Alright, Now, Give me your hands
Say a little prayer with me alright?
Close your eyes and repeat after me
Lord give us strength,,,
Lord give us strength
To accept the things that we can not change,,,
To accept the things that we can not change
And courage to change those we can,,,
And courage to change those we can
And wisdom to drink all the pain away
And,,, what kind of prayer is that?
One that's gonna come in handy one day, doodlebug
Just you and me, sitting on a porch
Dad?
You're so pretty! Now go find your mom alright?
[Gus] That right there is what this was all for,
So we just wait?
Theres a ticking clock dad
Let me see that
Where'd you get this?
The hands look like boners
[laugh]
What do you know about time?
You know dick!
[laugh]
- Shut up, - Shut up,
[laugh]
[Both] Shut up!
[Gus] Jesus, kids always seem to have all the right questions
It's like
Why shouldn't you have your cake and be able to eat it too?
I just wish I had all the right answers for her,
Sometimes all I've got are questions myself,
[Gus] Is this for real?
I think so
Lets see if I'm awake
Ouch, you're supposed to pinch yourself!
You sure?
For god sake Gus
Dr, Field said, positive steps
Moving things forward -That guy's such a new age tool, you know that?
[Gus] The only thing I hated more than old people parties,
Marriage councillors
[Gus] I apologize, you're right,
I hear you, I accept you, I appreciate you, I'm trying, trust me
Focus, this is my one family day for my mom's birthday and there are
a lot of people we don't know here this time
You know if you took things more seriously you may actually find opportunity here
Opportunity?
Just when I thought things were bad
Harry, Hello, how are you?
Very good, very good
Nice to see you -Yeah
And who's this?
Hi my name's Angela and this is my dad, he's an entrepreneur
Hi I'm Gus, I'm actually a registered martial arts expert
I'm required to say that cause I'm on a
list I kill people with my bare hands using Kung Fu
He's joking Harry
I am joking, I'm actually in venture capital
Right, right, How's that work?
Gus makes investments, If somebody has a good idea, Gus seems an opportunity
Yeah, Actually 95 percent of them don't make any money
but the five percent that pay off, they're the ones that bring in the bacon, Ain't that right?
I can imagine
Bring home the bacon to mama, and sausage,
What business are you in Harry?
Well I own what you might call a cleaning company
But now I'm retired,
you know what they say, goodbye tension, hello pension
Oh I didn't know they said that
Yeah
Who said that?
I just said that
Yes you did [cellphone vibrates]
Actually, excuse me I have to take this
Where are you going? Everything's going so well
Diane I'm telling you,
This thing with Don, it might be important
One call, Alright?
One call
Just be my hero
I'll be right back
[under-breath] For fuck sake
What did you just say?
I love you
[slow suspensful music]
[porn music]
Whoa
[Website Narrator] Stegman's, home of the legendary eight- legged octopus cam
Tentacle play, why watch one when you can see eight?
A salty dog always gets his bone
[Diane] Seriously?
[Website Narrator] Let us shiver your timbers,
because we filmed a giant squid attack at a private girls school
Wanna schilak your schillaly like it's the first time?
Well just join us because--
[Gus] It's the most I've gotten in six months
That's hilarious, you're really hilarious,
You can get used to laughing and doing everything else alone
I want you to make that call and get your ass back to the party
[phone ringing]
It's him, heh heh!
[Don] Yeah?
Hey, it's me,
I just went by, fucking Sergei's out front,
The fuck is going on don?
Tell him dad
You remember that night there were two security guards
Yeah I was there remember?
[Don] Yeah well then you'll remember it was as cold as a witch's tit, wasn't it?
[Gus] Uh huh [Don] Well, when you disabled the motion sensors system you
also shut off the heating system
So?
So they froze to death
They froze?
Like they,,, they died?
Fucking christ Don, why didn't I read about this in the newspapers?
[Don] If there's no bodies there's no murders
I had to send somebody in to clean it up didn't I?
Kruger right?
And his partner,
They cleaned the whole mess up and they brought me back the security tapes
I just cracked the safe Don
[Don] Gus? You, me, Sergei, Kruger, his partner we're all on those tapes
And we're on the hook for felony murder while in commission of a crime,
Shit, fuck, piss Don, Fuck you for not getting those tapes back,
How did Stegman get them anyway?
[Don] That doesn't really matter
What matters is we get the tapes back
Or maybe it doesn't, you know,
Little Angela, maybe she can raise herself
All the parenting's done on the internet these days
I mean she could talk to men in chatrooms about
doing the Daddy thing
[dial tone]
[knock knock]
[whisper] got my cigarets?
Mom will kill me
Christ, you too? Come on
What are you doing?
Busted
Oh no you're busted too pal, Give me this
You know this is exactly what Dr, Field said you'd do
Using Angela as your little go between
Don't say it
As your enabler
Diane I'm in trouble
Oh yeah, that's something new
Come on Diane
What's to understand Gus?
You stopped being good at being crooked,
Why would I expect you to be able to earn
Did you really just say that?
Wow
Hey doodlebug why don't you tell mom that the cat had post traumatic stress, alright?
That plays nice with the fire story and this way if I leave now I can save the cat,
What's wrong with him?
Doodlebug, there isn't even a cat
I'll be right back okay?
I am not kidding Gus, if you leave now don't bother coming back, cause I'm done
Diane I gotta go take care of some business so we can
keep doing the things we like to do, alright?
Oh and, you know, I'll remind you,
You're the one who fucked someone else, not me
I love you
I love you too
[Downtempo music plays]
♪♪
Something's not right here
No kidding
There is a girl downstairs,
dressed like she should be fucking octopuses
Octopi
So I wonder why, you don't have the whole costume
[phone rings]
Answer it
Hello?
They hung up,
It was some girl
Pff, Lars can't get girls, Can Lars get girls?
Maybe you dialled wrong dad?
I didn't dial the wrong number you little asshole
Then who was it dad?
You know who it had to've been?
The cops
The cops have Lars's phone, they're playing us
They're playing us
I hope they did get him, he's fucking useless
Who? Stegman?
No! Lars and Gus, always talking about how good a thief he is
And all other kinds of literary shit
[Annoyed grunt] I know who that was
You know, I don't like this thing, What do you do with eight tentacles?
Seven
What?
Octopi have seven tentacles, The eighth one is called the hectocotylus
His dick
Shit, Which one is that?
It would be easier to show you than tell you,
Mmm but, you didn't tell me about the girl downstairs, Did you?
No no no that changes the whole movie,
Hot chick number one comes to burglarize the dude, that is the girl downstairs,
But, she is interrupted by hot, but timid, asian chick number two, that's you
And you come to the house and you have the octopus come down and he fucking you
You know I think a man with an accent is really sexy
[Heavy breathing]
[Sigh]
You think my accent is,,,
Do you think this is sexy?
How do you like my accent when I say
Who the fuck are you bitch? And where are the tapes?
[noise at the door] [Police] Police!
Guess what?
I like my tits
[Knocking at the door] [Police] Police!
[Lighter flicks]
[Choking noises]
[Police] Hello! Police! There has been a call about shots fired!
[Knocking on door] [Police shouting] Police!
[gasping]
[Police] Hello?
Is there anyone home?
Hello?
Hello? [Sound of door being kicked in]
[Police] Anyone home?
We're entering your first floor!
Hello?
Show yourself!
Just like Sergei and Don, Stegman had been trying to blackmail her too
He had no idea who he was stirring up,
What a dickhead
[Upbeat spy music]
♪♪
[Mumble]
What?
Behind you
[Muffled cries]
Okay, I'm just here
Freezing my ass of
Obviously, no hula girls, No mojitos
But at least I look like I'm coming up with a plan, Right?
Well I haven't
I have no fucking idea what to do here
How do I get around the cops, snag the tapes and get my game tight again
I fell back on the criminal code
Rule number three of being a thief, Never push
Wait for your moment
This one's still alive
It's alright
You're safe now
There's another girl downstairs
Muligan, Go see if there's another girl downstairs
[Dramatic musical flourish]
Turn around
Walk
Turn around, and go back into the closet
Grab my pants
The bag
I'm just the actress
And my jacket
You can't blame a girl for taking off her pants when she wants something
Now can you officer?
March
You know, it's not that we're worried you're not handling this dad
It's that we don't trust Gus -Or Lars
Or Stegman
Yeah especially Stegman
But basically none of them
It's time to bring Kruger in
Burn the place down
Stegman and all the evidence
Yeah, Kruger can get girls
Yeah, fuck us
We can't wait around forever for him to get something done
He doesn't even have a nickname
If he did, He'd be the,,,
Procrastinator
Exactly
How do we even know Gus isn't involved,
He's a dirty thief
And whoever stole those tapes, they were good
like, Gus good
Gus good
[Resigned sigh]
Maybe it is time to call in Kruger
Alright I want you guys to get down there too
What?
Yeah, shouldn't we just wait? -Yeah it's not even four yet
Alright mister dick for time,
You think Gus is involved?
You two get down there and keep an eye on him
Fucking Gus,
Fucking Gus
Gus
We'll take the jag,
Gotta get used to girls wanting to give me a blowjob through the window,
Hey!
You leave the jaguar alone, take your own car!
Kruger,
Get in here
[Gasp] I hate that,,,
[Sirens]
Door
Put your guns down
[Don] What's going on?
Well a girl just came blazing out of Stegman's
Put your gun down now
Move over there
What girl?
She has a gun, cop and,,,
[Evy] Do you see the bag in his hand? It's a bomb
,,,maybe a bomb
Does she have the tapes?
What a cop and a bomb isn't enough?
Gus,
You get to her
Don, she's surrounded
Yeah, I'm sure many a fine daughters been raised by daddies that are in prison
What?
And don't forget to remind Angela about the evils of doing Meth, and sexting
Or sexting while on meth
Wha,,, What about Stegman?
Forget about him
You just get me the tapes and the girl
[Click, Dial tone]
Get in
Get in!
Go
[Angry scream] Okay
Back inside
Stop right there!
[Groan] Who the fuck are you?
I'm the actress
You need that?
No
Fix this
Fix it right
Make this turn and then go straight
Give me my pants back officer
Shame on you
How about we play a game?
If you can get to your gun, faster than I can get into my pants,
Then you can take your best shot
No peeking boys
And I had to do that with my hands ties two hours ago
Now it's your turn to take off your pants officer
What?
We'll turn up ahead
[Train horn]
Hey hey is that him?
[Sal] Yep
Oh baby, Lady Luck is on line today!
[Jessie] Look at that car [Sal] It looks like a grandma's car
Lets sneak around, spy on them from the parking lot
That one we just passed
[Jessie] You know that's not a bad idea, I'm surprised at you
[Sal] Why? Why is that surprising?
[Jessie] Ah no reason
It's cold out
Shit
[Both] Oh,,, shit,,,
I don't want to die like this
How do you wanna die?
No i'm serious, I'm interested
How do you want to die?
I have a wife and kids
Watch them grow up
Retire
Buy a boat
A boat?
A boat!
Dude Is she gonna ice that fucking guy?
He's a cop right?
Yeah
That would be so dope
Then what? Just die on your boat?
That's all there is to it, right?
You done learning?
[Jessie] She's a fucking trained assassin man
[Sal] Then why is she putting her gun on the ground?
That's not professional at all
Thank you
[mumbling]
[Evy] Take it easy,,, Take it easy
There you go
You're welcome
Who sent you?
Oh table's turned
You show up out of nowhere in front of cops
Why?
I'm on those tapes also,
So Stegman blackmailed you too?
Don sent me
Did you even find the tapes?
You try finding tapes in that house with half the criminal world dropping in
So how do you know Stegman? [Evy] I don't, He found me
He's got footage of me getting rid of some bodies
And he wanted to know how much I'd pay
So you work for Don too?
Worked
[phone ringing]
Yeah?
Dad?
[Gus] Oh hey doodle, what's going on?
Mom says we're leaving
No, I'll talk to you soon
No it's,,,
[Diane] Give me the phone
[Diane] Angela, Angela now
Where are you going?
What's going on?
We're leaving
[Angela] Mom?
What?
What do you mean? Why is Angie crying?
[Diane] I bought Angela and I plane tickets
I did it last week
[Diane] I knew it would come to this
[Diane] I can't stand this horse shit anymore
Ok just wait okay, Just,,,
[dial tone] Diane!
Stop
Give me your keys
I'm on those tapes too
Those bodies you fixed, they were mine
Okay? I gotta go get my girl
Alright, you coming?
Alright
[Jessie] Oh where do you think they're going?
[Sal] You know, that girl with chloroform is pretty hot
[Jessie] Dude I just figured out how to un-cluster this fuck right here
Okay, just follow along, okay?
Kruger is gonna fix the shit show at Stegman's, we're all cool there
And meanwhile
we make sure that Gus doesn't get his dirty fucking thief hands on those tapes
[Gus] I gotta hand it to these boys,
I didn't think they had the stones to try to pull off something like this
But their little bean bags were pebbles
compared to the shiny brass monkey balls that Stegman was showing,
Instead of just blackmailing Don like they had planned
Stegman double crossed Jessie and Sal
He got greedy and tried to fleece the whole crew
Asshole
[Male porn actor] You are so full of shit Stegman
I'm not putting my dick in that! [Stegman] Why not?
[Female porn actor] I think it's kinda hot! [Stegman] See?
[Sal] Put his dick in what? [Jessie] Shut up man!
[Male actor] If that tentacle thing wasn't so cheap looking I might be into it,
[Female actor] Wait Stiggy, I think he's kinda
right, I feel like I need some actors motivation too
[Stegman] Fine, what if you're wearing a gas mask?
[Female actor] What for?
[Stegman] Who cares it's art, besides I've got one in the basement
Darling come on with me
[Female actor] Okay
[Male actor] I'm going for a shower
[Jessie] Fuck man no-one was supposed to be here
[Sal] Shut up
You shut up
You go upstairs and get the guy,
I'll go downstairs and get our tapes back, Go!
What the fuck, I don't do guys
[Silenced gunshots]
[Sal] Fucking Gus, Loser
[Jessie] Yeah, right?
[Sal] Yeah
[Sal] Let's get the fuck out of here, [Jessie] Oh fuck
[Sal] Drive, He figures this out we'll
be completely fucking pooched
[Jessie] We gotta stop him no matter what before he gets to Stegman's
[Sal] No matter fucking what dude
[Funky musical interlude]
[Gus] I can get her myself
[Evy] I'm going in with you anyways
You understand that I'm not a thief right? Just so we're clear
[Gus] Well I am a thief and I never thought I'd kill anyone until about two hours ago
[Evy] Yeah and who let security guards freeze?
No donuts no coffee,,, I never killed anyone who didn't deserve it, Ever,
[Jessie] Okay, she is hot but--
[Sal] But what?
And I've never robbed anyone who didn't deserve to give some back,
Wow, Peas in a pod
[Sal] Bigger tits, blonde, and a little less asian,
She'd be perfect
You must be a wonderful lover
Where's Angie?
We're done
Who the fuck is that?
This isn't about her, this isn't about Don,
this isn't about money, This isn't even about you and me and our fights,
Alright, this is about everything,
We gotta handle this or I'm going to make it comprende compondre?
Now where the hell is my kid?
Angie? Angela?
[Diane] She's not here, [Gus] What do you mean she's not here?
-She's gone, -She's just gone?
-Yep, she's gone -Gone
-Yep gone -Oh, Diane?
[coughing]
Hey there doodlebug, come on
You stay right there Angela
Mom?
Hey remember our talk, how there might be a time when we have to go?
-Yeah? -Did you change your mind?
No
Hey where's your mask?
Did you forget it man?
No I told you,
I learned
You look like a condom
Shut up
Now's that time,
Trust me, This thing with Don is completely out of control,
We have to leave now
Come on
Shit, I dropped my bullets
Pick it up dork
Quick, this is serious man lets go
Okay, I'm cool,
Lets hit it
Mom don't worry, we'll call you from the road
Get back!
Everybody on the floor now!
Now! Get over there
Over there, over there
Yeah you, you, you too
Everybody down!
Get on the floor, c'mon
Does everybody here speak English?
Nana and papa get your shit on the floor!
Go! Old man, come on
[Old Woman] Oh, my back,,, [Old Man] Keep your shoulders together,,,
Lets go, we don't have all day!
Get down! Get your skivvies on the floor!
Asshole Gus, that fucker never even brings home the bacon
Hey shut up!
Okay everybody, listen up
This guy right here, he stole something from our dad, tried to blackmail him
But you know what? No one's gonna get hurt,
Maybe he will,
Just cooperate, okay?
The fuck is wrong with you?
Aint you got some dumb quip?
Brevity is the soul of wit
[Old man] Somebody do something! [muted cries of distress]
Nice masks boys
Jessie, Sal
Stupid anyway
Where's the tapes?
I don't have them
No man, we know you stole them
I'm not a violent guy Jessie, I wouldn't want to have kill you
See this guy, this is what I'm talking about,
Who the fuck is like this?
We have guns, he has none
Hey you're his bitchy wife right?
Get up
Do what he says
Hey
I've seen you online, why didn't you like me on milf chat?
[irritated grunt]
Seriously man? We've got a gun on your wife, your kid,
your whole family is on the floor and you're just like, no worries
Nope, not worried
I think you're right Sal, I think he's retarded
And not just like a retarded retarded but
like a new kind of retarded that isn't even invented yet
Yeah, well how about this?
Close your eyes sweetie
Don't open them until I tell you to
Oh dude you are so fucking dead
[Silenced gunshots]
[Relieved chatter]
Hamlet right?
Yeah
He stole this from Stegman's
That seems about right
They set this whole thing up, even set up their own father
Okay
That's the man I married
Yeah
You can open your eyes now sweetie
[Angela] No way!
Okay
Okay take her out of here, I'll take care of this [Gus] Yeah
Gus? Yeah?
Make this right
Of course
Lady?
I don't know you, But I've had a
shitty partner once and I can spot one in thirty seconds now,
And that guy there,
You can trust him with your daughter,
[Old man] Miss? Miss could you help me up?
[phone ringing]
Now's not a good time Don,
You got the tapes?
Nope
What about the girl?
It's Don
Hi Don,
[Don] Evy?
Yeah, So how did Stegman get the tapes?
[Don] Don't worry, it's all fixed
I gave you those tapes to have them destroyed, it's all on you
Every once and a while a man needs a little reassurance, doesn't he?
You fucked us
[Don] If you say so Evy
So if you don't have the tapes, who else did you send over to Stegman's?
I think you know who
Big mistake Don
Gus that's her, Kruger's ex partner, you can't trust her
Well I'm not so sure about that
[Don] Gus? Gus!
[Angry grunt]
[Tense, droning music]
The only good news here is it'll keep Kruger at bay, hopefully
I better go find the octopus
Aquariums are cool
Can you pass me that?
Thank you
Doodlebug, you stay in the car,
Evy, help me out with this
Hey, Hey! Let me out!
Kruger!
[silenced gunshot]
[Gunshots]
You're not Stegman,
Shit, shit
Angela, I'll be right back, okay?
Umm, Okay?
Oh for fuck sakes
Hey
Mind giving me a hand?
What are you doing?
You know, just trying to get the fucking tapes
[laughing]
Okay
I'll be back in a bit
Those belong to someone who's sloppy
Hey, you know maybe we could work together?
You know, cooperate, cooperation, you know maybe we could get out of here quicker
What are you doing?
[Chuckles] [Electrical buzzing]
You don't have to do that right?
Please,
Shit, shit
[Tense music plays]
Hi
Hello Stegman
You are a greedy Nelly
Where are the tapes?
I was just trying to finance my film
Aren't there bankers for that?
Nobody will back me,
Too long, Too complicated, Too many characters, Too many flashbacks
Bad hero, bad reveal, bad structure, bad ending
I gotta take my shoes off, grounding is important
Hey!
Okay look, it's a morality tale, There's an octopus and a girl and it's practically art
And there's all these extra story layers
Ugh I hate those
No wait, wait, wait,
I call it,
The Octopus Comes at Night
[Annoyed] Where are the tapes?
They're beside the Shakespeare,
[Evy] Hi Kruger
Evy
[Evy] Get inside
[Snorting noise]
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah I'm okay, I thought I told you to stay in the car?
But the woman followed you and I followed her through the side window to find you,
You did that?
Well you're like a little ninja,
So the last time we saw each other, you left me for dead
I did what I could
You didn't do enough,
Put your gun down
[whistling]
Hey what's that?
It's pretty
Oh, That's the only thing you're allowed to touch in here, okay?
Where are the tapes?
Show me
Pass them over,
Wait a minute
Your hands are very small
What?
What did you find in the can?
Good
Well well you sneaky little bugger
Stegman,,,
you know I only tried to blackmail you guys because I was trying to fund films
[Evy] Aren't there bankers for that?
Evy? You still working alone?
I'm rethinking
Now get your hand right up in there,,, Yeah
Now you gotta think about the long game
This is a career, Sometimes the first steps are a little slippery,
Gross
So is this how you always saw yourself?
What?
Dying with a man like this,
What?
[Choking noises]
Pull it
Missed you Evy
So I guess there's only one question left
What's that?
Can you get out from the inside?
Bye Kruger
Bye Evy
[Under breath] Oh she's beautiful,,,
This kind of life requires a skilled craft,
One that can be passed on from father to daughter
And I'm a good father right?
Yep, I love you dad
Yeah
Yeah, you're a pretty good father,
Hey and ah,,, Kruger?
Done
Good
I got the cameras daddy!
Good job
Now, We came here to do something very important
You helped, big time,
But the key is to know when to skidaddle,
and do you hear those sirens?
Now's the time, Lets go
Good job sweetie
Hey kiddo, how you holding up back there?
I'm fine actually, I feel pretty good,
She's a chip off the old block
I got you something
It stinks
That's the art
What bout Stegman?
[fake accent] Mr, Stegman? He dead!
[giggle]
You know Evy,
You're gonna have to back us up at Don's in case anything goes squirrelly,
What about that Sal and Jessie thing?
Mum's the word on that,
Where is mom, dad?
We're gonna go get her doodlebug Once I change out of these clothes
What about, these?
Don't break those, okay, We've gotta take those to Don's
Okay okay
You're so pretty!
And you're so ugly!
And you're so pretty!
And you're so ugly!
Yeah!
[Sal] That chloroform comes in handy dandy, she's like a dead fish, Should've fucking
known it wouldn't be that easy to take out dad
[Jessie] Yeah I guess so,
But man I just wanted to see that old
bastards face when they lock him up for good, [Sal] Ah fucking Stegman,
Greedy little bastard, we should've never given him the tapes
Those stupid freaking, backstabbing kids of mine
And these are from Sal's gun
[Gus] Today's shit show, first rate
With Evy tied up
And Stegman locked away in his panic room
These miscreant kids scoured the place for their tapes
and of course found zilch
[Sal] Stegman is dead
That's for sure
[Gus] Right about then is when Lars broke up their party,
Oh christ, is that Lars already?
I can't get the bar out
Come on man, we just gotta go, leave the bar, Come on lets go!
It's your boys who set you up Don
I'm sure you're not gonna be surprised if I keep these, safe this time
How about my two little pricks there? Do you know where they are?
Don't know
Well I guess they'll make it home sooner or later huh?
Come on dad, you promised me a cat
That's right, I did,
Lets go
Oh, One more thing,
Destroy that evidence, no second chances,
Oh yeah, for real, I'll do it
Insurance! [laughs]
Motherfucker
[Sound of gun loading]
Bad boy Donald,
[Evy] Shame on you
I think you should give me those now
Once, maybe, But not twice
[silenced gunshots]
[Gus] It's all by the code
There's only a couple of ways to get yourself killed by someone like Evy,
Betrayal is one of them
So is making the same mistake twice
Don says goodbye
Bye uncle Don
Time to go get mom
Yes!
[Upbeat music plays]
[Gus] Hop on, Good girl
I'm gonna have to get rid of this car
Welcome back
It was great mom, we did this thing-- [Gus] Shh! Angela, No
What took you guys so long?
We hit a few snags, it's all good, But what happened to the, uh,,,
I know this seems a little unusual, but even though we said we were retired,
We can still tap into our, what you might call our professional sides
We?
You know age has made me realize that family need to be handled
Speaking of which, how did you get here?
Yeah we have a car to get rid of
Ethel?
[Ethel] I got a guy down at the recycling yard,
It'll be roofing for the Red Cross by tomorrow
Uh, keys?
Let's get back to your future
There's a lot of experience sitting around this, uh, tea party
Diane has told us about your recent struggles,
And we were thinking that maybe, witness protection could be a
very opportune next step in your line of business
Well I do have a partner,
Yes I know
No a business partner
[Concerned mumbling, tense music]
Interesting
This changes things
[Sound of multiple guns cocking]
Maybe for the better
[Sound of gun safety switches being reset]
Young lady, I've seen your skills, this includes you too
Wonderful, who wants tea?
I think this might be a good fit
You bet,
[Gus] It really was easy enough to end up dead, or behind bars,
Retirees are the best in the business, Which is why they're retirees, and not inmates,
[Lady] Thank you!
Oh, Oh you're quick
You're like a ninja
Glad you've made the right decision,
Works like this,
You I,D, Kruger as the cop killer and we
put you and your gentle family into witness protection,
Charges of kidnapping a police officer, aiding and embedding a felon, threatening of a bomb,
impersonating a police officer, leaving the scene of a multiple
murder, dangerous driving, tampering with evidence,,,
and all of the other serious crimes you may or may not have committed that day go away
You have a lucky charm up your ass,
[Angela giggles]
You like hitting all the buttons don't you?
Sometimes you just gotta break the rules dad,
Atta girl
Who want's steaks?
I'm thinking we need a boat -A boat?
Yeah a big boat
[Gus] So there you have it, Whether it was the promise of a boat, or steak dinners,
or my little apple that's fallen so close to the tree,
Or my new lease on marriage, or my new partner,
Or all of it all together, My best self was back
Under the cover of witness protection we could steal and fence
just about anything we wanted And we were completely off the cops radar
New I,D, new home town
I was back, [Hopeful music plays]
Stay close kid, here we go
I'm with you, partner
[Gus] So, what's rule number one of being a thief? Aspire to retire,
[Sound of power tools grinding metal]
If I even tried to explain it, it would just sound stupid,
[Silenced gunshots]
["In Hell I'll Be In Good Company feat, Rich Kidd" by The Dead South plays]