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* Keep my glass full, I don't ask for much *
* This is pretty straight, so try not to fuss *
* Life and a good time is the key and the cure *
* Put the knife down, return to the icebox *
* Put a few away
* Forget the head knots and the worries of the day *
* No thoughts of revenge, don't think about death *
* Leave the dirty dishes, put your chores to rest *
* Leave me at the fire
* If I want to nurse from my glass breast *
- Ow,
(distant punk music)
- Hey, you touching the merchandise,
are you gonna buy something?
- Gino, put these on my tab, okay?
- Not until you pay your back bill,
I'll take it in trade,
- Oh, blow me Gino, come on,
- Hello, how are you?
- Hi,
- Would you like anything else?
- Yes, the usual, please,
- You're here every day,
Why don't you buy a big bottle and save some money?
- Because I like that size, Gino,
- Here, a little gift from me,
- Oh, thank you,
- Have a great day,
- Thanks, you too,
- Hey, and you, what are you doing?
- This is the best part,
- Would you pack up this stuff?
- There's like, nobody in here,
- If I wasn't banging your mother, you'd be so outta here,
- I heard that yesterday,
("She Had a Plan" by Girl in a Coma)
(seagulls calling)
* When yesterday is over
* And tonight just began
* You sit there in your corner
(retching)
* And wish it was the end
* But listen here my friend
* The story never starts until you break your heart *
(acoustic guitar music)
(singing)
* We go out and party, but nothing kills my pain *
* And I know there's no one else to blame *
- Oh, for God sakes,
(groaning)
Does that work?
(breathing heavily)
(sighing)
Okay, purse,
Just let me grab it,
(sighs)
Of course I will,
How much?
* When you feel your world is closing in *
* Ending before it begins
* When you feel it coming at your feet *
* And you're holding everybody that you meet *
* You know you better change
* Change to something better, something better *
* Yeah, something better there within *
* You know you better change, change to something better *
* Something better, something better *
* Yeah, something better here
* There's something better here within *
(beeping)
- Oh! - How you doing?
- Shit, - Did I scare ya?
- Yeah, (laughs)
- No need to hide the alcohol,
- What do you?
Oh wow,
- Do me a favor, do you want to shut the car off?
- Officer, - Ma'am,
- Yes, sir,
- Did you hear me?
You wanna shut the car off?
- Would you like my license?
- I'd like you to shut the car off right now,
- Okay,
- Take the keys out of the ignition,
- Shit, um, yes,
- Put the keys on the dash,
- Thank you, license and registration,
- There you go,
There you go, sir,
- This is your medical marijuana license you handed me,
- Really? (laughs nervously)
Huh, - Yeah,
- Yeah, I've--
- Do you want to step out of the car?
- I've had a really bad day,
- Huh, really? - Yeah,
- It's about to get worse, - Why?
- You can button up your shirt, I'm gay,
- I wasn't driving,
- Put your hands behind your back,
- Whoa, dude!
- Put your hands behind your back,
- Oh, fuck!
Ugh, you can't open the car?
- Yeah, yeah, funny,
Get in,
- [Jane] Ah!
- I'm not gonna tell you again,
- [Jane] Ow!
- Okay, before we proceed I've got some announcements,
You know, there's an old coffee can outside,
It's been there for a couple years,
that's for your cigarette butts, smokers, okay?
So please, throw them in there,
There's a Smokers Anonymous meeting here in the mornings,
and all that temptation for those sick fuckers, come on,
All right, also Panda Express,
they're kind enough to give us food for the meeting, right?
You'd think we'd be kind enough
to throw their containers in the trash and not in the alley,
Also that alley is not a toilet,
(door slams shut)
Come on in, come on in,
You got a seat right there,
- Here's a seat,
- Very good, just grab a seat,
There you go, there you go,
Okay, who wants to start the shares?
(light guitar music)
- I'm Larry, and I'm alcoholic,
- Hi Larry, - Hey Larry,
- People say the stupidest shit at work,
and I get so frustrated,
like I blurt out these inappropriate remarks and it's,,,
It's like I have Tourette's,
- I finally decided to makes amends with my wife,
- The truth is, my wife left me 'cause I was an alcoholic,
- Shit, I don't even know where to start, man,
(sighs)
So much blow and hookers, (chuckles)
Look man, fuck this, man,
Look, look, look, when she finds out about this,
she's just gonna divorce me and use it against me,
Man, forget it,
I'm done, forget this,
- My name's John, I'm an alcoholic,
- [Group] Hi, John,
- And I had a great day today,
I woke up, I didn't come to,
I didn't have to wonder where my car was,
Like some, I don't have a car right now,
but that's, I did my little morning spiritual thing,
you know, and then I meditated,
- Meditate?
You don't meditate, that's bullshit,
- Yeah, right, (group chattering)
- Please,
- Thank you,
And, I mean, it's a beautiful day, right?
And there's a beautiful swell in the water,
I got some really nice waves, and I got a new student,
A new client that feels good, it's a rich kid,
and sometimes when I sense a little disrespect from
like, a rich, entitled kid,
it's like they have this condensation attitude towards me,
Just like, I let the ocean just kick their ass,
and I enjoy it, and that's probably bad,
and I should do some inventory work on that, but,
but I had this revelation that surfing and life,
they're not that different really,
I mean, some days, - Okay, okay,
- I'll wrap it up, so anyway, I just,
I loved, I loved being alive today,
and I love AA and thanks for calling on me,
- You say the same shit every week, bro,
- That's my life, man,
- Very good, John, thank you,
New girl, would you like to share?
- Uh, hi,
Uh,,,
I'm Jane,
- [Group] Hi, Jane,
- I got a DUI, so the courts made me come here,
- So Jane, do you think you might be an alcoholic?
- No, I think I'm lonely,
but I don't know if I'm an alcoholic,
- Well, if you have to think about it, you probably are,
You know, normal people don't end up here,
but if you're not an alcoholic,
I'm afraid you can't share today,
- No, that's, that's okay,
I didn't really have anything to say anyway,
- [Group] The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference, amen,
- [Billy] There you go,
- Jane?
Uh, Rose,
- Hey, how's my hair look?
- It looks like shit, who cut it?
- I did,
- You look like one of The Monkees,
(laughing)
- Oh my god,
- This form tells you if you're an alcoholic,
- Great, thanks,
- You only need to get three right,
- That's my dream girl, my dream girl,
- Asshole, that's everybody's dream girl,
And besides, she's way above your pay grade,
- [Larry] Yeah, you can't afford a girl like that,
- Don't fuck with my hair,
Hey, you want me to rub that out for you?
I'm a pretty good masseuse,
- Masseur,
Masseuse is feminine, masseur is masculine,
- Masseur, masseur,
How's that feel?
- Um, pretty good,
- Jesus, your whole back is so tight,
- Yeah, well, I'm a little stressed out at work,
- [John] I'll say,
- Oh lord, he's not gonna go there is he?
- What do you do?
Are you a model?
- Apparently he's making the attempt,
- Listen, did you get her number?
- I'm not gonna give it to you,
- What?
- I always wanted to learn how to surf,
- Oh, it's so easy,
I could give you a lesson sometime,
- [Jane] Really?
- Yeah, I'll let you guys talk, okay?
Hey, it was nice to meet you, Jane,
- Thanks,
- I can't believe you got to touch her,
- Yeah, I can't believe it either, poor girl,
- I deserve a girl like that,
- Please, please, you don't deserve shit,
- Yeah, you don't deserve shit,
* Simple man
* What dirty hands I have
(Jane sighs)
(light rock music)
- Hmm, are you an alcoholic?
Is drinking make your whole life unhappy?
I don't have a whole life,
Do you drink alone?
(laughs)
Have you ever had a blackout?
Well, isn't that just called sleep?
Do you miss time from work due to drinking?
Very interesting,
Do you want to drink the next morning?
Yeah,
Hey Adam, it's me,
You should call me,
Call me, call me, call me, bye,
(cellphone ringing)
Hi, Adam?
- No, it's Rose from the meeting,
Who's Adam?
- Oh, hi, sorry,
He's just some guy who's never around when I need him,
- Why don't I come over?
We can hang out,
We can play cards,
- Play cards, huh?
- [Rose] Backgammon, watch a movie,
- Okay, yeah, you can come over,
but you gotta bring some vodka, okay?
- What's your address?
- I'll text you,
- [Rose] Why don't you just tell me your address right now?
- I'll text you,
* I don't wanna feel like a loser anymore *
* And I don't think that I can take another 24 *
(coughing)
- Dude, the hottest chick came into the meeting tonight,
It's like she doesn't know how hot she is,
She must be from the Midwest or something,
- I knew you only went to those meetings to pick up chicks,
Sign me up for the next one, bro, (laughs)
- Do you have to drink beer
right in front of me in our room?
- What's the difference between beer and weed, Cheech?
- I'm not drinking beer right now,
- All right, chill out, man,
Look, spark this up, take a hit, cool out,
What step is that in your program?
- It's called Marijuana Maintenance,
It's got a name,
It's like, I'm on the Marijuana Maintenance program,
- That's a good name,
that actually would be a good band name,
Marijuana Maintenance,
- Marijuana Maintenance, - Yeah, right?
- I wanna be on the Marijuana Maintenance team,
- I'm not alone, there's a lot of people on like the pill,
the Vicodin program, you know?
Like if they don't drink, they do Vicodin,
- And it's cool?
- No, it's not cool, - No?
- Don't tell anybody I'm smoking weed,
I don't tell any people,
I don't, like, "Hey, I'm smoking weed,"
But there's a name for it, Marijuana Maintenance,
- I tell everyone that I'm smoking weed,
(wave crashing)
(water bubbling)
* I know that people talk
* Some tell me what they say
* It used to get to me, but I won't change my ways *
* As time goes by, I will never lie *
* I don't care if anyone knows
- [Operator] Suicide Hotline, hello?
- Hi,
Hi, who's this?
- Jane,
- Jane, okay,
Jane, what are you doing, Jane?
- What am I doing, or what do I do?
- What do you do, Jane?
- I'm a legal assistant,
- Okay, so why'd you call Suicide Hotline?
You okay?
- Well, that's an interesting question,
I mean, what kind of responses do you get to that question?
- Bitch,
Well, it's what I'm told to ask, Jane,
I just wanna know, and plus, I do care,
That's why I do this fucking job,
I do it 'cause I care about people,
(phone ringing)
- Can you hold, please?
- Wait, hey Jane!
- Hi, Tate and Associate,
- Fuck, I hate this fucking job,
This shit sucks,
Hold this call all the fucking time,
- I'm sorry about that, I had to take a work call,
- Yeah, well, you're working,
Most people are looking for jobs,
It's good you got a job, Jane,
- I don't want to be here,
- Well, then go take a break,
Take a lunch break,
- No, no, I don't want to be here,
- Well shit, I mean, how can I help you with that?
You sound a little drowsy, are you okay?
I mean, are you drinking or something, Jane?
(Jane laughs)
- Yeah, yep,
- Okay well, so that's all right,
- Oh, this is stupid,
(cellphone ringing with rap ringtone)
- Oh fuck, Jane,
Yeah, I'm sorry,
I have a life too, Jane,
I'm sorry, excuse me,
- I gotta go,
- No Jane, don't hang up, don't hang up!
(Jane sighs)
Bitch, fucking,
(coughing)
- Hey, John?
What are you doing?
- [John] Nothing,
- Bullshit, I just saw you smoking,
Why are you denying it?
- What are you doing, man?
Why aren't you at work?
- I'm on my lunch break,
If you had a job, you'd know what that was,
You know he's trying to get sober, right?
- Yeah, so?
Why are you barging in my mom's house,
harshing my buzz, bro?
- Good friend,
- He is a good friend,
- Yeah, I don't see you letting him live at your house,
- He has, - Not now,
- You've been taking dirty chips,
- No, that's I've--
- You've been taking dirty chips,
You're lying,
You're lying, I know you're lying!
You're lying, you're taking dirty chips!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey bro,
You're getting a little too "Sex and the City" for my taste,
and not even the good one,
it's like the sequel where they go to Zimbabwe and shit,
Hey man, if you need it, and Carrie, take care of Samantha,
You know how she gets,
- Don't look at me like that, man,
If you had my life, you'd kill yourself,
- Just listen, John, you can do whatever you want,
I'm not gonna judge you,
I'm still your friend, but you know the path it goes down,
It's smoking, drinking, coke,
- Relax, okay,
It's just a hit of pot,
It's not gonna kill me,
- Listen man, I'm there for you,
Will you please come to a meeting?
- I am coming, I'll come,
I am coming to the meeting,
- Look at me, promise? - Yeah, I promise,
I promise!
Give me some water will ya?
You got a sippy cup in there?
- I do not know why I'm your friend,
- Don't help me, man,
I'm not taking a newcomer chip, all right?
I don't want judgmental Billy's eyes,
like, trying to shame me,
I just want to see if Jane comes back,
- Jane, why?
- Why?
'Cause, fuck, I mean, she's the hottest chick in the world,
She's beautiful and I had a dream about her last night,
- Yeah, I creamed about her last night,
- Hey, respect my girl, man,
- [Scott] You think you got a shot with her?
- I know I do,
- I bet you all the money you owe me you can't,
- You'll bet me all the money I owe you I can't get her,
- [Billy] I will bet you all the money you owe me,
you can't get her,
- Define get her?
- The 13th step, and all rules apply,
But don't act like a baby,
Last time Larry and I destroyed you with Anna,
now Anna's all on your shit, and Anna all in you,
and now she hates you and you complain to Larry and I,
- Anna, don't, Anna's fucking nuts, right?
Anna does not count,
Anna, no Anna,
This is Jane,
Bet, - Bet,
Money in the bank,
- You haven't called me in awhile,
You know, if you want me to be your sponsor,
I said you had to check in occasionally,
So, what's going on with you?
- Nothing, I'm good,
- Really? - Yeah,
- Really, you can't even look me in the eye, buddy,
What's happening, huh?
I'm serious about this, if I don't hear from you,
I'm gonna assume you're not taking it seriously,
you don't need me as a sponsor, okay?
'Cause I don't want to sponsor people
who don't take the program seriously, right?
You got it? - Okay,
- You got it?
- I'm gonna miss you, but I'm in the cards,
- They're all assholes, eh?
All right, meeting time everybody,
I only have one announcement,
Somebody had their dog shit in the neighbor's yard
and did not clean it up,
and I got in big trouble because of it,
So, let's not do that anymore, okay?
I mean, who has the audacity
to not clean up their dog's shit, right?
If we don't clean up our dog's shit,
the world's gonna be covered with dog shit,
- That's the type of shit I'm always complaining about,
- Right, it's like a metaphor, but it's,,,
And by the way, I'm assuming it was dog shit,
Knowing you guys, who knows?
Anyway, subject of tonight's meeting,
surrendering to your higher power,
- Look who decided to grace us with her presence,
- At least I made it,
- Ugh, so superior, - What?
- All right, who'd like to start the shares
on tonight's subject?
Who wants to share next
that was not super late for the meeting?
- I had a good reason,
- What, were you getting stoned?
- No, but I'm sure you'd like to burn one with me,
- Respect the meeting,
- Well, she started it,
- Who wants to share?
- I've seen a lot of people like you, Roxy,
and that's why I'm upset,
I'm upset for you because I feel like if you don't clean up,
I'm gonna see you and then you're gonna be in the hospital,
and you'll be in jail, and then you'll be dead,
and I, I'm just scared for you, that's why,
I'm resentful and afraid,
- Well, if you'd let me share, maybe I won't kill myself,
- Oh my god! - Come on, really?
- Rose, don't jump into this,
How do you know it's drama and not real?
- All right ladies, Roxy, would you please share,
- I would like to share,
- Okay, please do,
- I mean, come on, man,
I thought we were supposed to be able to be vulnerable here,
I can relate to you, and you, and you,
and you, and you, and you, and you, and you,
What you just said,
I feel it,
Now listen, man,
my mom died like about a month and a half ago,
You guys don't know that because you don't know me at all,
but I was very close to her,
and since then I've been really spiraling out of control,
and I'm scared and I don't know what to fucking do,
I don't want to end up alone like my mother with nothing,
except my guitar, and that's it,
You know, my guitar's my best friend,
I mean, how lame is that?
I mean, come on, man,
I'm done, I'm done sharing,
Share away, (sighs)
- [Billy] Okay, thank you, Roxy,
Thank you,
Um, Deen, what's going on today?
- [Group] To accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference,
(phone buzzing)
- So I can call you?
I mean, I will call you, - Yes, yes, John,
- I will call you,
- You can call me, - Okay thanks, goodnight,
- Bro, I'm trying to eat here,
- I have a hot chick's phone number in my phone,
She gave me her number, she put it in my phone,
and she said I could call her,
I should call her,
She's probably just sitting around
waiting for me to call her, - Dude, just call her already!
It's been like, three days of this shit,
You're like an eight year old girl
trapped in my grandfather's body,
- You don't know what it's like to be my age,
- I don't,
- But I know what it's like to be your age,
'cause I've been there, - True,
- These kids these days are,
all you ever do are you're looking at,
it's all porn for you,
- Yeah,
- Maybe she's calling me,
Nope,
(light guitar music)
- I will, yes,
I will tell him right away,
(phone ringing)
Best to you,
(phone ringing)
Hello?
- Jane, it's John from the meeting,
- Oh, hi, - Hey,
What are you doing?
- I am working,
- Ooh, sorry,
I was just calling just to see
if you wanted to watch that movie with me tonight,
- Uh, yeah, sure,
Fine, I don't have any plans,
- Great, what's your address?
- [Jane] Why are we going to my place?
- Oh well, I mean, I, I have a roommate,
I share a room with a roommate,
- [Jane] You share a room?
- It's, um, he's my surfing buddy,
and we share a beach house, you know?
It's like--
- Fine, I'll text you my address,
- Yes, cool, great!
I'll bring popcorn,
- [Jane] Wait, wait, wait, wait,
Um, we're just watching a movie, right?
- Oh no, yeah, no,
I know, I'm not, I don't do that,
I can't do that, I mean, I don't even know you,
but we should just get to know each other,
Like maybe I'll massage your neck or something,
Okay, I'll see you at eight,
(energetic rock music)
(bong bubbling)
Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane,
Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane,
How's my hair?
- Solid,
- Nose hairs? - Check,
- Tongue flash? - Check,
- How's my hair look?
- Still solid, bro,
You could be like a Solid Gold dancer,
- Exactly, - Flex your pecs for me,
You can't wear that shirt, you wore it yesterday,
It smells like wet dog and low tide,
- Oh, good call, good catch, man,
(energetic rock music)
(sighs)
- [Fishbone] Solid,
- Bag? - Check,
- Movie? - Check,
- See ya,
- You're all set,
You're like an Eagle Scout,
* The dance on stars and fly on vibes *
* And scream on trains
(sniffing)
(coughing)
- [Both] Hi,
- I brought porn,
Corn, I brought the movie and some popcorn and some soda,
- Great, um, please come in,
- [John] Okay,
- You can, you can have a seat if you want,
Did you pop this at home or did you get it from a theater?
- Which would be the best answer?
- The truth,
(John laughs)
- I get it from a theater,
It's just a day old, they're gonna throw it away,
and I'm a freegan, so it's free,
- You know, it's okay,
I'm just gonna out this right here, okay,
Did you seriously
bring an open box of condoms?
- No, that's my roommate must've put that in the bag, I--
- No, no, no, shh!
What were you expecting to happen?
- Nothing, I know nothing's gonna happen here,
Let's just, let's just eat some porn,
- What?
Just eat some popcorn and watch the movie,
You have a really nice apartment,
How long have you lived here?
I mean, there's nothing in here,
- I'm just, I like things around me to be neat,
I'm OCD,
- Me too,
Wait, what does that mean?
- Obsessive compulsive disorder,
- I know, but what?
I mean, what?
Are you a neat freak or something?
You like to clean, that's awesome,
You like to cook?
- I cook, - Ah, nice,
You want to have kids?
- Stop talking,
Please, sit down,
Just sit down on the couch,
- That's a firm couch, - Yes it is,
- Hmm,
I'll be good,
- Oh no, no, no,
You're not gonna be good,
(sighs)
- It's good,
* I need someone
* Whoa, I need someone
* I need someone, someone like you *
Ah jeez, you're really good at that,
(moaning)
- [John] Whoa,
- You all right? - Open your mouth,
Open your mouth,
(moaning)
I can do this all night, baby,
Oh yeah,
(mumbling)
Oh yeah,
(moaning)
- Oh yeah, oh!
Ow!
Yeah!
(moaning)
- Oh my god, I haven't done this in awhile,
All right,
I'm coming, oh, I'm fucking coming,
- Oh yeah, - Oh my god!
Oh, I'm coming!
Oh, I'm coming, - Yeah,
- Oh my god!
Wow, oh my god,
Oh my god,
- Oh,
(snoring)
- Oh, thank god,
- I'm really not a morning person,
I've gotta get ready for work,
- I wanna make you feel good again,
- Oh, I don't want to feel good,
I just want to sleep,
- It's okay, I like that,
You be asleep,
I'll go so quick, you won't feel a thing,
(energetic rock music)
- Laundry day, sweet,
He shoots he scores,
- If I do your laundry, it's 100 bucks,
- Dude, you're cleaning like you got laid or something,
What's up?
- I did!
- Oh shit, that's headline news,
When's the parade?
- It was awful,
He was like a jackhammer and he was just,
he kept going and going, and going, and going, and going,
- Oh, that sounds terrible,
Why didn't you stop?
- You can do that?
- I cannot bring her over here,
This is a pig sty, man, and she's OCD,
- Whoa, this must be some Superfly Jimmy Snuka pussy
if it got you cleaning like this, (laughs)
- Yeah, she's the best pussy I've ever had in my life,
- Boys will be boys in any circle,
(Jane coughs)
- Wait, does he have a disease or something?
- No, just, um, well,
John is,,,
- [Jane] What?
- He's a loser,
(moody rock music)
- Hey, - Hi gorgeous,
The usual?
- Uh, no,
The big one, please,
- Ooh, upgrade, - Yep,
- There you go,
48, please,
(ice cubs rattling)
(exhales)
- Okay, I've only got one announcement tonight,
You know why we love
having homeless people come to this meeting?
I mean, besides the fact they're inspirational and,
it's because they never ever park their fucking cars
in front of the neighbor's driveway, ever,
They never do that,
So please, stop that, okay?
- That's what I'm talking about,
- Oh shoot,
Okay, who wants to start the shares?
Anna?
- I'm Anna and I'm an alcoholic,
- [Group] Hi Anna,
- I'm seriously starting to wonder, what matters?
Like I mean, I'm really spiritual,
I think I just need a new boyfriend, a real one,
Not some loser,
always after a new piece of ass, talking about,
"Baby, if I owned the world, it would be all yours,"
But all he ever has is a pending tab and,
(speaking in foreign language)
Mama didn't raise no fool,
I got my head on right,
and I'm coochie real tight, thank you,
- Ooh, did she just say she had a tight coochie?
- Okay, thank you, Anna,
- Thank you, Anna, - Thank you,
- Hey Anna, - Hey,
- [Billy] Hilda?
- Hi, I'm Hilda, I'm an alcoholic,
- [Group] Hi Hilda,
- I'm really having a hard time,
You know, I know what I'm doing,
For months now, I have been,
um, hiding vodka in my shower,
in the shampoo bottle,
I take showers like three times a day,
It's the stupid, I'm the cleanest alcoholic probably,
I'm so ashamed,
I just couldn't sit here and not tell you,
That's all,
You're only as sick as your secrets, right?
Thanks,
- Thanks Hilda, - Thank you,
- John?
- My name's John, I'm an alcoholic,
- [Group] Hi John,
- And also as sick as my secrets,
Thank you for that share,
I've been taking dirty chips,
I've been smoking pot and I'm just fucking sick of it,
I'm sick of my own bullshit,
I'm just, I'm not, I'm like a 40 year old child,
- You're still lying,
- I'm like a 42 year old child,
- You're still lying,
- I can't fucking tell the truth, man,
I'm like, I come to these meetings, I share,
like I think I'm trying to be cute
or I'm trying to be cool or something,
but I'm just a fucking scared little kid, man,
I'm afraid to grow up,
I'm afraid of the feelings,
My mom gave me everything I have, you know?
She gave me everything I'll ever be and I'm ever gonna be,
I just fucking wasted it,
She's not gonna live to see me do anything,
(crying softly)
And I'm gonna fucking bury her or something,
burn her fucking shit,
I'm just gonna be a fucking drunk, a fucking street guy,
but look, you know, fuck!
I just wanna fuckin' take responsibility for myself,
You guys, I've been depending on you,
and you guys have been carrying me,
but I'm gonna take some actions and be accountable for like,
little simple things like my time,
I got three days,
I'm three days sober,
- [Billy] Thanks, John,
(light rock music)
- I'm fucking lying to everybody,
I tell everybody I'm sober, but I'm not,
I fucking leave here and go get a fifth, you know?
I know it's tough,
- Really?
* Something's gonna happen
* You're staring off now to the sky *
* We're staring off now
(energetic drum music)
- Fuck Roxy, you scared me,
- Hey dude, can I have a bite of that, please?
I'm starving, come on,
- You can have it, have the whole thing,
- You want a roach for it?
- Okay,
Hey, thanks for never ratting on me,
I don't need this anymore though, thanks,
You keep it, if you want it,
- Really? - Yeah,
- All right,
- Your loss,
- Have a good day, - Okay,
- Hey, man,
- Hey, John,
- Hey, you were right, man,
You were right about everything,
I'm not okay,
I'm obsessing about the girl, I'm obsessing about her,
What should I do?
(Billy sighs)
- Meditate and pray to remove the obsession,
- Yeah, does that work though?
- John, you know what?
We've been having
this same fucking conversation for four years,
You sound like a goddamn 12 year old boy,
- You say the same thing every time too,
that's all you ever say,
You say the same shit to me and it doesn't work,
- You're wasting my fucking time,
There's 50 other guys that I could be helping,
If you want to be dishonest, this is bullshit, John!
This is fucking bullshit, everything you say is bullshit,
I have to play along with it,
If you don't want my help,
if you don't want to be sober, I don't give a fuck!
If you don't want to live, I don't give a fuck,
That's your life, but don't fucking waste my time, John!
- I do it, I'm on my knees saying it,
and it's like I'm stupid,
It's like math, it's like hocus, I don't--
- People that actually fucking listen to me,
and they get better, but you don't,
and you're just doing the same goddamn shit over and over,
and the same fucking stupid questions about pussy,
- But what did you do?
Just tell me what you did, what do you think I should do?
Just tell me what you did, I don't care,
Don't tell me what you think I should do,
just tell me what you did that worked,
- Meditate and fucking pray to remove the obsession, John!
Got it?
- Okay,
All right, I get it, thank you,
- Okay, call me later,
(breathing heavily)
(inhaling)
- Hey God,
I want to thank you in advance
for putting Jane in my life and helping,
helping me get her, and we can get Jane together,
So, if I do get Jane, I won't ever smoke weed again,
and I'll try to think of others
instead of just myself all the time,
I feel better already,
Thank you,
* Oh, my gun is in my hand
* I'll have to make my stand in the highlands *
* And Lord, it's getting hard to ride *
* The bullet in my side took its toll *
* Oh, the sheriff spoiled my plan *
* To be the richest man in the highlands *
- Hey Rose, yeah, it's me,
* Now I have to say goodbye to my girl *
* Oh, oh, oh
* Give me the time to spend
* One more night with the lover of mine *
- Hey Mom,
- What do you want?
- I just came over to see you,
I miss you,
- Yeah, right,
- It's pretty obvious,
- Anytime you come over unannounced,
it's always about money,
- I just need 500 bucks for rent this month,
It's been a really slow month,
- It's always a slow month,
When are you gonna get a real job?
- I have a real job, Mom,
I just, I need more clients,
It's summer, so it's a slow season for surf lessons,
It's not for drugs,
It's just for rent,
I don't drink, I smoke a little pot sometimes,
A little pot,
I'm trying, I'm doing the best I can,
I just gotta get, I just gotta get over this month,
- It's the last time I'm doing this,
I mean it,
You're a 45 year old baby,
- Ouch,
See ya,
- John!
Come back and sit down,
What's gonna happen to you when I'm gone?
You know, I'm gonna be fumigated and stuck in the ground,
There's not gonna be any big inheritance coming,
- I know, I know,
- You gotta get your shit together,
You gotta find a good woman,
Be a good husband and be something,
Otherwise you're just gonna be
some loser son of a bitch like your dad,
It's long overdue that you stand up
and take responsibility for yourself,
Stop poaching off of me,
You just, shape up and be a man,
'cause that's the last goddamn check I'm gonna write to you,
- Your sponsors are constantly here,
Oh, there she is,
Hey Jane, Jane!
Hey,
- Oh god, there he is,
- Don't let it get to you,
Just ignore him, come on, come on,
- That was smooth,
- I don't know, she didn't call me,
She didn't write me, she didn't text me, that's weird,
- Hey Rose, - Hey Rosie,
- Hi guys, - Hey Rose,
- [John] Hey Jane, what's up?
- Screw you,
- Whoa, - What?
Hey, hey, what's with the Jekyll and Hyde attitude?
- Yeah,
- You're a rapist,
- What? - Whoa, hey,
Wait a minute, John's a loser, but he's not a rapist,
- Hold on, I didn't rape her,
I did not rape you, take that back,
- [Scott] Take it back,
- You're right, you're right,
You didn't rape me, but you certainly helped yourself
to seconds the next morning while I was trying to sleep,
- Nothing wrong with that,
- My recollection, Jane, is that we came together,
and it was real hard and beautiful,
- Oh, I faked it,
- Ooh, she faked it, - No, no, no, no,
- You didn't come?
Not even a little squirt?
- Jesus, - Hey, hey, hey!
- Look, I'm calling DQ, okay?
You lost the bet, you still owe us money,
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Did you bet on me?
- No,
- [Both] Yes, you did,
- Ugh!
- Don't ever talk to me again, - Just come back,
- You guys are fired,
- Fired, for what?
How's this my fault?
You didn't make her come and it's my,,,
John!
- Yeah, you're pathetic,
- John! - You guys are so uncool,
- Uh, hi, my name's Deen and I'm an alcoholic,
- [Group] Hi Deen,
- Yeah, how do you do?
I've been sober for like, four hours,
and I got, I had this sponsor,
and he fuckin' told me that I had to get off all my meds,
and it's like, I got subscriptions to like,
Adderall and suboxone, and like,
I don't know how I could fucking cope without them,
I don't even know how I could wake up in the morning,
or even go to sleep, and it's like,
he told me that's how I had to be really sober
to get off of those and it's like,
I just, anyway I lost him,
I lost that sponsor and it's, uh,
(sighs)
it's been a hard day,
(crickets chirping)
- Hey Jane, hey Jane, Jane!
- Don't!
Don't touch me,
- I just want to talk,
I just want to talk to you,
- You okay? - Yeah,
What do you want to talk about?
- I just want to know why
you said those terrible things about me,
- Did you even know
there was another human being in the room?
- It's been so long since there's been another human being
in the room with me, (laughs)
It was, hey, let's watch another movie,
I'll make it up to you,
- No way, John,
- Jane, give me another chance,
- No!
You know why, John? - Why, why?
- Because you are totally undateable,
- What does that mean?
- It means please stay the fuck away from me,
- You missed a good meeting, bro,
- Hey Brutus, come here,
- Brutus? - It's okay, come on back,
I'm not gonna hit you,
Brutus, hey, Jane just called me undateable,
What does that mean?
- Yeah, so what?
You are,
- But what?
I'm smart, I'm funny, I got a nice body, big dick,
What's the problem?
- First of all, you don't have a car,
You don't have a job,
You share a room with a dude named Fishbone,
- Hey, he didn't even ask me out on a date,
He just assumed that he was gonna come over,
- He can't afford to take you out,
He borrows money from his mother,
- What a guy, you don't want that,
What?
- It's Adam,
- Crack is calling,
- You got a crack dealer?
- No, it's my ex,
He's just,,,
You know, I occasionally sleep with, I really liked him,
- I am an old, broke,
no car, no house, no health insurance,
surf instructor, alcoholic, drug addict,
I do not look good on paper,
So, what do I bring to the table?
I am smart, I am funny, I have a nice body, and a big dick,
and I bake fantastic cookies,
So, what is the plan?
- Hey, John,
- Get out of my house,
- Man, you're acting like a baby,
You know the rules
when it comes to betting on the 13th step,
- Were you up inside of her vagina?
Were you inside of her vagina?
- No John, I was not inside her vagina,
- Okay good, because I was inside of her vagina,
(Scott laughs)
- Okay,
- I was in her vagina when she had an orgasm,
Who are you gonna believe?
- Listen, it doesn't matter,
There's a foreigner in the game,
and he's definitely not on the team,
- How do you know?
- Jane got a text, a booty call,
- Jane got a booty call text?
- Yeah, from some guy named Adam,
I think he's a crackhead, crack dealer,
- Okay, wait a minute,
Is he a crackhead or a crack dealer?
- He's rich,
- He's rich?
- And younger,
- He's younger than I am? - Yeah,
- And he's richer than I am?
- Yeah, and I think she loves him,
- Why do you think she loves him?
- Because she said, quote, "He would be a great father,"
- She said that?
- Yeah,
- Okay, where is she?
- Probably putting on something sexy,
- Give me your keys, give me the keys to your car,
That was a good choice,
Now you can have a cookie,
and you're back on the team, buddy,
- Oh, and she said one more thing,
It's Saturday night and she wants good sex,
(energetic rock music)
(sighs)
* Wanna be bright but I confess I never cared *
* Terminal boredom, terminal boredom *
* A pee-chee stained with drool is lying on the stairs *
* Terminal boredom, terminal boredom *
* Feet don't move any other way *
* Arms lie still, eyes begin to glaze *
* And just last night I heard my baby say *
* Terminal boredom, boredom
* Tell me something dumb
* Or something cute over the telephone *
* Terminal boredom, terminal boredom *
* I need to be distracted, I don't want to be alone *
* Terminal boredom, terminal boredom *
* Can't stay fixed, every single day *
* Boredom creeps, ain't even afraid *
- Just a little,
* Terminal boredom, boredom
- Oh!
(moaning)
- Oh my god,
- [Both] Oh shit!
- Is this what you do when I'm out of town?
- No babe, this isn't happening,
- This isn't happening?
I just saw you eating out this whore in my kitchen,
- I am not a whore,
Who are you?
- This is my house and this was my fiance,
- Fiance, what?
You told me this was your house for the last year,
- Wait, you've been sleeping with her for a year?
- It was not that long,
- What the fuck, you bitch!
(shouting)
You whore!
- You bitch!
- Okay, that's it, I am done with this!
- No, no, no! - Babe, no babe, no!
No, shit!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, - I am done, I am done!
Don't you ever call me babe again, ever!
Just get your whore and get the fuck out of my house,
- Okay!
- Don't call my girlfriend a whore,
- What? - Who the fuck are you?
- I'm her boyfriend,
She's my girlfriend,
- I'm not your girlfriend,
Why the hell did you get here?
- Baby, I was making us chocolate chip cookies
with the sea salt like you like, and Scott came over,
and said you were getting a booty call from some crackhead,
So I got upset because you are my girlfriend, and you know,
I called you but you didn't pick up your phone,
so I took his car and I followed you,
- No, no, no, - You have to stop talking!
Just stop talking,
- Stop and get the fuck out,
- Thank you, - Go, go, go, go!
- [John] Walk,
- [Charlene] Seriously, get the fuck out!
- [Adam] Babe, babe--
- What the fuck were you thinking?
- [Adam] Babe, come on, come on,
It was only one time!
- You fucking bitch! - Oh!
- How dare you follow me!
- I care about you,
Baby, you shouldn't be driving,
I don't want you sleeping with that jerk,
You are my girlfriend,
- I am not your girl,
- I got your purse,
- That's not mine,
- That guy doesn't even surf!
(car engine revving)
Goddamn it,
(light rock music)
- What is this?
What kind, like is it real?
'Cause I can't have dairy,
(light rock music)
- Hey, what happened?
- She hates me,
You ate all the cookies,
Those were for Jane,
- They were pretty good,
- That's my private journal,
- Yeah, I see that,
You know, I'm really touched,
You wrote some nice things about me,
- Anything I can do to get her back?
- [Scott] No,
(light rock music)
(sniffing)
- Now what is it?
John,
"I wish we could start all over again,
"Please accept my apology,
"and let me take you out for a nice dinner,
"Please say yes,"
- That was really sweet,
Are you gonna go to dinner with him?
- We'll see,
(bus engine revving)
(background chatter)
- I ended up working on Santa Monica Boulevard
with some other runaways and we did tricks,
that's what they're called,
We sucked guys' dicks, you know?
And there was one guy in particular, we called him Old Spice
'cause he smelled like his balls smelled like Old Spice,
like he put it on and then he put it in his pants,
one of those fuckin' dudes,
And I mean, I could tolerate the dick sucking,
but the Old Spice was gagging me,
Hey guys, guy, hey John!
It's a meeting, please,
- I'm just trying to see
if she's gonna go to dinner with me,
I'm sorry, Billy,
- Okay,
- Did you have to say that in front of everyone?
- Say yes,
- Say you'll go to dinner with him and then we can move on,
- I will go to dinner with you,
- All right, all right, - That's gonna cost me,
- Okay, back to the meeting,
All right, amends,
- Screw amends, man,
I'm so sick of you people and all your honesty bullshit,
I told my wife, okay?
I told her everything and you know what she did?
She left me,
What am I supposed to do now, huh?
Her lawyer's about to scrape me clean,
And what, I'm supposed to go back to some hooker
at some seedy hotel room?
- Thanks, Larry,
That's good, that's good,
Yeah Larry, right,
All right, who's next?
- She said yes!
Can I get that 100 bucks that you said you'd loan me?
- I'm suicidal, man,
I don't have no more money for you,
- Can't you see he's suicidal, asshole?
His wife hates him,
She's probably gonna sleep with another man,
- What? - I'm sorry,
- Sorry, sorry, man,
Scott, please? - No,
- I'll wash your car, - No,
- I'll clean your house, - No,
- I'll do your laundry?
- Will you do my daughter's laundry?
- I'll be your slave,
- Wait, don't say that, - That's disturbing,
- Don't say that,
- Yes!
What would I do without you?
- You'll pay me back, right?
- Oh yeah, totally,
Um, I don't have any clean shirts or anything,
- What do you want me to do, lend you a fucking suit?
- Yes, awesome!
- Rapist,
- How about this one?
This is the one,
- I don't like it, - Yeah, I like it,
- No, it doesn't suit me, - No, it's this one,
- No, it's not me, man,
I don't like it,
- Pick something you want,
- Anything I want?
(Scott sighs)
- Hey,
- What is he doing?
He didn't finish my laundry yet,
- Uncle John's on his lunch break,
He's got a date,
Want to help us find something to wear?
- With a girl, - Okay,
- How's this look?
- Goofy,
You don't look good, - Goofy,
- Okay,
- He hasn't been on a date since Anna,
- Oh, okay,
Wow,
You look fat, you look fat,
- I look fat?
- You look fat in this,
- Do I look fat? - You look fat in this,
- Have I gotten fat?
Do you think I'm fat?
- I don't think you're fat,
You look fat in this suit,
- You look fat, change it,
- I don't know what to wear!
- Try the black one,
- No, that's my favorite suit,
- [John] Black one?
- It's his first date in awhile,
Come on already,
That looks nice,
- It's nice, it's nice?
- Even I would date you in that suit,
- No, you wouldn't, - Really?
- Okay,
- It's really nice, - Yeah,
- I'm just nervous, dude,
I don't know how to act on a date,
- Just be yourself,
- No Dad, he can't be himself!
He can't be goofy, he has to be nice,
He was to treat her like a lady and tell her she's pretty,
and chew with your mouth closed,
and you can't fart in front of her
and pull out your underwear to let the wind out,
- You noticed that? - Duh, you do it all the time,
- You do it all the time,
- What else should I do?
- You have to walk on the outside of the street,
right, Daddy?
- That's correct,
- Are you gonna kiss her? - I hope so,
- Daddy says good girls don't kiss on the first date,
- That's correct,
- And you have to open the car door for her,
- That's correct, the car door,
I need your car, - No,
- Yeah, - No,
- Come on, Daddy, - No,
- I'm not taking a bus, dude,
- He can't take her on the bus,
What would you do?
- Your 10 year old, 10 year old daughter!
- Okay, take the car,
- Hey Lanie, you're my favorite baby girl forever,
Number one!
- You have to finish my laundry,
- You're just a little troublemaker too, my car, huh?
(Lanie laughs)
- No! - Little smartypants,
(restaurant patrons chattering)
- For the lady, - Thanks,
- For you, sir, - Thank you,
- May I start you guys off with a bottle of wine tonight?
Perhaps a light peppery Sangiovese?
Or my personal favorite is the Amarone,
It's a spicy, yet subtle--
- Just two glasses of water, please,
- Oh, water,
No, that's perfect,
(upbeat acoustic music)
- I think you already said you were gonna get it,
so I'm gonna get garlic too,
- We both have garlic,
- Not that that means anything,
- No, I know,
No, it doesn't,
- But we'll be around each other,
- Um, so,,,
Mm,
- Okay, do you taste all that food?
- It tastes great,
People who don't drink aren't bad, (laughs)
- Twirling, twirling, twirling,
Yeah, and lift, ah!
Perfect bite,
- That was a perfect bite,
I like learning new things,
- I really like this restaurant,
- It's got a nice ambiance,
Is that right?
- You have a car, I have a license,
I don't have a car, you don't have a license,
I should drive your car,
- A little bit, right here,
- I have stuff on my face? - Right here,
(Jane gasps)
- Oh my god!
Oh my god!
- It's okay, it's okay,
- No, I have to clean this,
Will you marry me?
- Wow, on our first date,
- That was not a no,
That's wasn't a no,
(upbeat rock music)
I'll say,
- I had a really nice time,
- So did I,
- So, you don't want me to come up?
- I thought we were supposed to start again,
- Yes,
- That's what you wanted,
- I know, I want, I said it,
You're right,
I mean it too, I meant it,
Well, when can I see you again?
- At a meeting,
- No, no, that doesn't count,
That's not the same,
Would you come surfing with me?
You said you wanted to try it,
- Okay,
- Oh, good,
- Okay, let's go surf Sunday,
- Let's go surfing Sunday,
- I'd love to go,
- It's on then, - Okay,
- All right,
- On the cheek,
(bright pop music)
(water splashing)
- [Scott] Jesus, John, obviously the date went great,
- It's a little stain, I got a little stain on the suit,
- It's not a little stain,
You gotta get it dry cleaned,
- Put it on my tab, - Tab?
You don't have a tab, no,
- I'm gonna pay you back, come on,
- Pay me back?
Who have you paid back?
Name one person you paid back,
- My life's together, man,
I got a girlfriend now,
(Scott laughs)
- Get your life together, you've got a girlfriend now,
You've gone out on one date,
that really doesn't constitute a girlfriend,
- I'm gonna give her surf lessons,
- What a scammer, you're so cheap,
- I can see her in a bathing suit, all wet and beautiful,
- Yeah, they all get old eventually,
- She's different,
I think I'm in love with her,
- Oh my god, I'm in love with her?
Oh, I'm in love with her one date, that's called--
- What do you mean, they all get old eventually?
Did Mom get old on you?
That's why you kicked her out?
- No, no, Daddy didn't kick Mommy out,
Mommy left me,
- You mean she left us?
- Well, shes a drunk, - Hey, hey, hey!
- Just, she wasn't a bad person,
It's not her fault,
She was a sick person like me and your daddy,
- That's enough,
- I'll get your suit dry cleaned,
You're out of gas,
- It's not like I didn't know,
Just like you thought I didn't know what a hickey was,
- You know what a hickey is?
- Yeah, it's where you suck on the neck,
- Okay, (laughs)
That's enough,
(sighs)
I'm sorry,
- Wow, - Mm-hmm,
- I wish I had a rich husband,
so I could lay by the pool all day,
(Rose laughs)
- Well, it can be boring being a tossed aside trophy wife,
(laughs)
- Okay,
- So, how was the date?
- He was so cute!
He wore a suit, - No?
- Yeah,
- I've never seen him in anything
other than flip-flops and a dirty T-shirt, (laughs)
- Really? - Mm-hmm,
- He's taking me for a surfing lesson tomorrow,
- Oh no, you're dating Undateable John,
- Oh, he's growing on me,
He likes me,
- Jane,
(light acoustic guitar music)
- [John] If you could do one or the other thing
for the rest of your life, which would it be?
Surf or have sex with a beautiful woman?
- [Fishbone] Surf,
- [John] That how I felt when I was your age,
Now I'd rather be with a beautiful woman than just surf,
so I can share surfing with her,
I want to share things with her,
and surfing's a beautiful thing,
and I want to share it with my beautiful woman,
- [Fishbone] So, it's like community service?
- Yeah, you're being of service,
- So you're like, helping other people,
by having sex with them? - Yes, that's what I do,
That's what, exact, that's what teaching surfing is,
and that's what having good sex is,
You're helping the other person,
- Now see, that I can get with,
- Yeah,
- That I can go out at night, and feel good about myself,
knowing that I'm gonna help these girls,
- I used to think that way, - You did?
- Yeah, - So, you used to be cool?
- Yeah, a long time ago, - What happened, man?
- I grew up,
(light acoustic guitar music)
(bus brakes screeching)
Hide that, you gotta hide that,
She's coming over right now,
In fact, you should hide too,
Just, can you just disappear?
- No way, bro,
I'm a check out this toothless loser
you got coming over from rehab, (laughs)
- Put a shirt on at least,
- This is my look, I'm getting some sun,
- Hello, hello, knock, knock,
Hello, hello, hello, - She's here,
- Knock, knock, knock, - Hey, hey, Jane!
Hi,
- Hi!
- [John] You look great, thanks for coming,
- [Jane] Thanks,
- This is my roommate, Fishbone,
- Hi, Fishbone, - Just call me Bone,
Nice to meet you, not so plain Jane,
I heard a lot about ya,
- Easy, - Really, what?
- Oh, just that you make our friend Johnny here so happy,
- [Jane] That's sweet,
- You're late for spinning or butt class,
What do you do?
- Yeah, today's abs and butt,
You should come by, Janie,
- No, - Nice to meet ya,
- Yeah, and you,
- Okay, thank you, - No, I'm just saying,
- Thanks for everything, all right?
I mean that, do that thing,
Okay, he's a kid,
He's a nice kid,
Okay, this is for you, ready?
- Well, I don't know how ready I am,
It's small, but I'm as ready as I'll ever be,
- Nothing to be scared of,
I'm gonna take really good care of you,
You're in really good hands,
- That's a huge board,
- [John] I know, it's perfect for what we're doing today,
Perfect tool for the job,
- [Jane] Why do I stay cooped up
in my apartment all day long?
- Yeah, the ocean's my higher power,
Riding waves is like conscious contact
with a power greater than myself,
I just don't like when they trash it out,
do you know what I mean?
Okay, I'm gonna give you a beginning standup surf lesson,
Are you a regular foot or a goofy foot?
Okay great, perfect,
You're a regular foot,
I'm a goofy,
- Uh-huh, - Bring your feet up,
- Good, press your back foot down, stand up,
That's perfect, that's exactly what we're gonna do,
(energetic rock music)
(Jane shouts)
(shouting)
* So screwed up
(Jane moaning)
(energetic rock music)
- Excellent, awesome, oh, that's great,
Perfect, you're the best surfer in the whole world,
- I can't believe,
I can't believe you did that,
- What?
- You came inside me,
- What's the problem?
You're my girlfriend,
We can have sex, baby, it's good, it's okay,
- I could get pregnant,
- No, you cannot get pregnant in the ocean, baby,
Everybody knows that,
- What?
- You can't get pregnant in the water,
I thought you knew that,
- Are you sure? - Yes, positive,
And I would never have sex with a woman
I wouldn't want to have a kid with anyway,
You're the best first time surfer I've ever seen in my life,
Awesome, want to go do it again?
- No, I'm okay,
Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm positive, baby,
Everybody knows that,
(water splashing)
I told you, you were safe with me,
- Ha, no one's safe,
- You want to take a hot shower?
- Uh, no, I don't think so,
I think I'm gonna go home,
- Oh, don't go home, Jane,
Please, don't go,
- Oh, score!
- Oh, I'm sorry,
God, you shouldn't have seen that,
That's my roommate's,
- Oh, I've been dying for a hit,
- I can't, I can't let you do that,
I'm sorry, - What?
Well, I can find my own weed,
But if you'd like, we can smoke here together,
- Oh, that's really manipulative,
- Jane, I can't watch you get high,
I'd rather let you leave than watch you hurt yourself,
- Hurt myself?
- Yeah, you smoke pot, you're gonna drink again,
and if you drink again,
you're gonna start taking those pills,
It's a vicious cycle,
So, I'd rather you stayed sober,
even if it meant that I never got to see you again,
Do you want to watch a movie instead?
- Yeah,
- My roommate's not home,
(laughing)
- Wow, you really do share a room,
- Yeah, I think the maid came,
- Hey, this is really, this is really tight,
- I know,
- Want me to help you take it off?
I can help you,
I've done it before, I've done it a million times before,
It's no big deal, I'll do it,
- Okay, yeah,
But just halfway, halfway,
'cause the bathing suit's gonna come off,
- You want to hold the bathing suit down?
- Yeah, I'm gonna hold it, - Okay, I'll do it from,
I'll do it from behind,
Okay, you ready?
- Okay, - Ready?
- Yep, - Here we go,
- Oh okay, hold on, hold on,
I gotta put up my hands,
Oh, oh, I'm stuck!
- Wait, hold on,
- I'm stuck!
What are you doing?
Don't do that,
- Do you like that?
- I don't like it, it hurts right now,
- Okay, ready?
- One more time, one more time,
(Jane shouting)
- I'm so sorry!
It's gonna hurt,
You do it, you do it, you do it,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
- Oh! - Oh my god,
I'm sorry,
- Ow!
- We should make a porno after this,
I'm just kidding,
Oh, I'm sorry!
Okay, I'm such a klutz,
Here, sit down on my bed,
It's the only safe place in the room,
I swear to God, it's the only safe place in this room,
I am a klutz and you're perfect,
Just, you don't even have to lay down if you don't want to,
Do you want me to get you something?
- Can I have a shirt, maybe?
- Yeah, you can have one of my shirts,
- [Character Onscreen] It was you and your flapping jaw
that got Jesse into this mess,
(upbeat rock music)
- I'm gonna talk to you about something serious,
I started taking classes because I hate my job,
and I want to be a teacher,
I want to be a kindergarten teacher,
- Oh my god, that's exactly,
that is the perfect job for you,
That's so good, Jane,
You're gonna be the best kindergarten teacher,
Those little kids are gonna be,
oh, they're all gonna fall in love with you just like I did,
- Really? - Yeah,
- You love me?
- Yeah, Jane, I love you,
Do you love me?
(Fishbone sighs)
Hey man, ta-da!
- What'd you do?
- Things are looking up, Fish, - Nice!
Yes, they are,
You got a beautiful girlfriend,
and I got three boxes of cereal, (laughs)
Hey, are you gonna move out?
- Eventually, right?
I mean, we, you knew this was temporary, right?
- I most certainly did not know this was temporary,
I was, I was committed to this,
I thought we were bro-ing together,
Like bros do, they bro together,
They don't bro apart,
- You don't need me here,
You don't want me here,
I'm like a grand piano chained to your waist, dude,
You're gonna be fine, you're gonna be great,
Thank you though, for everything,
- You mean that? - Yes!
You're gonna be fantastic,
- So, I'll just be here bro-ing by myself, okay,
- Okay, I'm gonna read, okay?
- I'll just drink then, by myself,
- I love you, - You're leaving,
- Dude, I just said I loved you,
I, I, I love you,
You've been awesome, - I love you,
- I'm not leaving 'cause I don't like you,
We're not breaking up,
You're my friend, we're in it for life,
We're friends forever,
Friends forever,
- I love you too, man, - I know you do,
(light piano music)
(Jane sighs)
- Okay, I have one announcement before we get started,
Rose, would you please bring the candies starting next week?
- Sure, - Okay,
Larry, I appreciated you bringing the candy last week but,
and it was sugar-free, which was good,
but whatever made it sugar-free
also caused it to be super gassy,
and somebody in this meeting
accidentally sharted their fucking pants,
So, don't even,
You know, candy's important here, Larry,
I'm telling you,
I bet there's been 12 people that have come to this meeting
'cause they heard about the candy
and then they stuck around,
so, no offense, you're done,
You're on it, okay,
All right, who wants to start the share tonight?
Rose?
- I had a bit of a revelation,
I've been holding onto the hope that my husband
would eventually put down the bottle,
and remember that he loves me,
and I'm, I've been so proud of my sponsee, Jane,
and how she's been actually taking
some steps in getting her life together,
and I realized that I can't control them,
I looked in the mirror yesterday and--
- I'm pregnant, - What?
- I'm pregnant, - Oh,
- Who's the father?
- You son of a bitch!
You told me we couldn't get pregnant in the water!
- Oh no, - That guy's brain dead,
Of course you can get pregnant in the water,
- Holy shit!
- I'm a father,
That's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me,
- Oh, fuck my life!
- Oh baby, I'll take care of you,
- Let's get married, Jane,
Let's get married,
- What? - Let's get married,
- John! - Marry me,
- You don't even know me,
- I know I love you,
I'm gonna love you for the rest of my life,
You're the mother of my child,
I felt like I knew you the second you walked in the room,
(Jane crying)
It's okay,
- You don't even have a ring!
- I do,
I do have a ring,
It's an octopus,
- I know it's an octopus,
- He can't afford a diamond,
- He can't afford a wife,
- Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey,
Like, stop!
Stop!
This isn't meeting appropriate, number one,
Number two, who gives a shit about the ring, right?
You guys are having a baby,
It's grow up time for both of you guys, okay?
Alcoholics are the most narcissistic,
self-centered people on the planet,
You guys, seriously,
Your life is over as you know it, all right?
Effective now,
- Be my wife,
Say yes,
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