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[Child] Trick or treat,
[Woman] Hi,
Oh, you guys look so cute here,
Alright, for you as well,
Alright,
[Child] Happy Halloween,
[Woman] Okay kids, Happy Halloween,
(woman chuckles)
(door creaking)
(knife slicing) (dramatic music)
(woman panting)
No right,
You had no right to,,,
(woman mumbles) (woman screams)
(knife slicing) (woman crying)
[Woman] Baby Mark,
(woman crying)
(eerie music)
[Man] Fuck!
(knife slicing)
(children chattering)
(door creaking)
[Man] Honey, I'm home,
(girl spitting)
(somber tinkling music)
(birds chirping)
(moving to ominous music)
(school bell ringing)
[Principal] Happy Halloween, students,
Masks will not be permitted on campus today,
So, if you have a mask,,,
Tommy, mask, off!
[Principal] Please place it inside your locker
and leave it there until the end of the school day,
Thank you for your understanding and cooperation, students,
And, have a blessed holiday,
Hey, Mama, what's your name?
My name is Mrs, Block
and I start teaching here next week,
Why?
Because I'm a teacher and it's my job,
No, I mean, why here?
Mrs, Block, Principal Dale will see you now,
Thank you,
It was nice meeting you, Tommy,
Call me,
[Secretary] God damn it, Tommy, stop hitting
on every woman who walks in here or I will end you,
(girls giggling)
So, how is small town life treating you, Mrs, Block?
Well, I mean, there's some adjustments for sure,
but, uh, it's nice,
[Principal Dale] Where are you from originally,
Los Angeles, if my memory serves?
Yes, my husband and I are both native to Los Angeles,
And, you taught middle school out there,
Yes, for about eight years,
(chuckles) Oh, that must've been hell,
It's not as bad as you might imagine or may have heard,
I'm sure, but I have heard stories,
What kinda stories?
Oh, you know, troubled youth stories, hooligans,
Los Angeles ne'er-do-wells,
I mean, there are certainly some bad apples,
but I can assure you that is not a California relegation,
(chuckles) Sure, sure,
But truthfully, this whole world has gone to hell
in a hand basket and not just Los Angeles,
We have to watch these kids closer than ever before,
keep an eye out,
These kids, they're dangerous,
They're dangerous now,
I'm sure I'll do just fine,
Are you a God-fearing woman?
Are you asking me if I'm religious?
I'm asking you if you fear the good Lord on high,
I'm sorry, Principal Dale, I'm struggling
to understand how that question is relevant,
[Principal Dale] It's not,
Consider it a personal inquiry on my behalf,
Okay, then I would say that I am agnostic, if anything,
I don't subscribe to a particular core belief system,
Oh, I see,
You're one of those science people,
Well, never mind,
Look, Mrs, Block,,,
Call me Ella,
Mrs, Block,
Now, you may be used to certain teaching methods
back where you're from and I, and by I, I mean,
the board, respect that,
But, what you have to respect is
this is a very particular town
with a very particular way of life,
way of belief, way of education,
If you can adapt to that with an open mind,
you'll fit in just fine,
You come highly recommended and frankly,
I thank the good Lord that you're here
because we could certainly use someone with your background,
I just don't wanna have any issues,
There won't be any,
[Principal Dale] Great, then I'm excited
to see you here come Monday,
Okay, see you Monday,
Oh, Mrs, Block, Happy Halloween,
(somber music) (birds chirping)
(phone vibrating)
(alarm chirping)
You set the alarm?
I don't wanna sleep all day,
[Robert] I thought you had a meeting this morning,
I did,
I came back home and got in bed
just to sleep for half an hour,
Get up,
Honey, even God took a day off work,
This moving is kicking my ass six ways from Sunday
and I don't like it,
There's a veritable boatload of boxes
crying to be unpacked,
We can't let their cries go unheard for very long,
We don't wanna look like bums,
But, everyone think we're bums, who?
Who's gonna think we're bums?
We don't know anybody in this town,
Not for long, shiny personalities such as ours
need other similar auras to thrive,
Honey, I start work tonight,
Halloween Night, at the hospital,
Brother needs to sleep,
Do you know how many candy apple-related child injuries
I'm gonna have to deal with?
Makes me sad just thinking about it,
[Ella] Fine, be a bum,
Okay, I will,
I'm going to do some unpacking,
Coffee, stat,
[Ella] Yeah, yeah,
Why do we even have this still?
It's a giant R,
[Ella] Coffee stat, my ass,
Coffee, coffee, no,
â™ª Da da da da da
Honey, is that you?
No, it's not,
[Robert] Hey, you wanna join me?
Sorry, too busy for copulation,
[Robert] Come on, we gotta break in the new place,
[Ella] There's a cup of coffee for you on the tub,
(Robert grunts)
Hey, hey, if I use, if I use curly shampoo
on my head, will it make my hair curly?
God save me,
You're stressing yourself out,
[Ella] I'm not stressing myself out,
You're worrying,
I'm not worrying,
We should hire day laborers,
You trust day laborers with our stuff?
Racist,
No, it has nothing to do with race,
[Robert] You know what this house needs?
[Ella] Organization?
A pumpkin,
Why the hell do we need a pumpkin?
It's Halloween,
Wow, is it?
Lady, you're oblivious,
Are you not aware of your surroundings?
Forgive me,
Are you gonna rinse that?
Eventually,
I'm gonna head to the supermarket we saw
on the way into town,
There's a supermarket on the way into town?
Oblivious,
Robert, we just have so much to do around here,
We don't need to waste our time decorating,
I'm gonna cut you off there,
We totally can waste time decorating,
It's the best part of being an adult,
You get to pick and choose when to be responsible,
And, plus, I'm not even saying we whole hog it,
I'm simply suggesting that we carve a silly face
into a pumpkin to help center us,
I'm centered,
You're also a liar, not a very convincing one,
but a liar nonetheless,
Fine, get your stupid pumpkin,
But, no candy,
I prefer not to have to field a myriad of knocks
from expectant hungry kids all night,
God, you're lame,
I have shit to do, understand?
I need keys,
[Ella] Pivot your head a little to your right,
Really?
That's the first thing you unpack,
Organization, that's what this place needs,
Well, it also needs a pumpkin,
Have fun unpacking,
Thanks,
(Ella sighs)
Rinsing,
Accomplishment,
(bird chirping)
It's gonna be a long day,
(sighs)
(somber music)
(loud knocking)
Who is it?
[Mrs, Dekker] Woo hoo,
Hi, it's Mrs, Dekker,
I'm your neighbor next door,
I wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood,
Weirdo,
Well, that's a bad idea, if ever I've seen one,
What is?
Well, I didn't hear you unlock the door,
which leads me to believe that you didn't lock it,
Which is a very bad idea,
Sorry,
Oh no, don't be sorry to me,
Be sorry to your future terrorized self,
(laughs)
I baked you a pie,
Oh, that's very kind of you,
It's got Halloween theme
and little bite-sized goodies in it,
(giggles)
Thank you,
You are so welcome,
Uh, did you wanna come in?
Oh no, no, I've been in that whole house
many, many times,
No snooping notions for this old hag (laughs),
No, I just, I really just wanted to welcome you
to the neighborhood and to
give you a little word of warning,
Oh, if it's about locking the door,
just consider that noted,
My husband just left,
No, it's a word of warning about the neighborhood,
You see, you being new and it's such a nice street,
It looks like it was ripped out of a Rockwell painting,
but there is one bad apple,
His name is Samuel and he is a sex offender,
I figured since you're new that you didn't get
that whole door-to-door admission of guilt thing,
Yeah,
[Ella] Yeah, no, thank you for telling me,
Yeah, he worked over at the elementary school on Madison,
And, you know where Madison is?
No, I can't say that I do,
It's right by here and well,
he was caught cavorting with his students,
Yeah,
Kids, just children, really,
Well, thank you for the pie,
Oh yeah, yeah, you're so welcome,
Um (chuckles),
Welcome to the neighborhood,
Oh, God damn it,
Hey, I'm back,
Hard at work I see,
(somber music)
Honey, I'm home,
Shit!
I'm beginning to question your work ethic,
Can't hold your breath forever,
Fine, if that's how you wanna play it,
Ass, turn it off,
You ruined my perfectly relaxing bath,
[Robert] That was my intention,
Ass,
You said that already,
I was taking a break,
From working oh so hard,
Yeah, I got a lot of unpacking done,
Not, I saw one box in the living room that was empty,
Did you check the kitchen?
No, should I have?
If you had checked the kitchen, you presumptuous fool,
you would've seen the results of the bulk of my labor,
And, I guess I'm just supposed to take a report,
You're my husband,
You're supposed to take my word on everything always,
Oh Christ, is that what I signed up for,
blind suppositions and constant nagging?
Constant nagging, my ass,
Get out!
No,
[Robert] But, I totally (mumbles) the temperature buzz
with that water stunt,
Actually, it's quite comfortable,
I think you should get in,
I should most definitely not do as you are suggesting,
Because I got a trunk full of pumpkins that need retrieving
then carving before I gotta haul ass to the hospital,
Pumpkins not pumpkin, meaning plural?
Plethora,
Oh God,
[Robert] I can't be trusted when seasonally shopping,
What can I say, I festive by nature,
Well, I've made a decision,
About what?
I think that you must take a dip,
What?
No, no, no,
(Ella giggles)
Yes,
General etiquette lesson, just putting this out there,
If you're going to dunk someone in a tub of water
against their will, it is just polite to have a towel
waiting for them,
A real towel, not a hand towel
the size of a Muppet's loincloth,
You drew first blood,
My actions were purely reactionary,
What the hell are these doing in the dining room, anyway?
You gonna help me with these pumpkins now?
Must I?
For better or worse,
This truly falls into the latter category,
Depends how you look at it,
Where's the blow dryer
and my cardigan?
(school bell ringing)
You know these chairs should have your names on 'em,
You're up here sitting in 'em so much,
Your teacher asked you politely to please remove the masks,
Politely,
Like a human being,
Principal Dale, I'm gonna take my lunch now,
That's fine,
Just let me know when you get back,
Okay,
Did you see what I did there?
That was being human,
(heart beating)
All right, you need to remove your masks,
Give 'em to me,
I'll get 'em back to you at the end of the day,
[Girl] No!
(tankard rattling)
(ominous music)
(Principal Dale moaning)
(Principal Dale crying)
Principal Dale,
(ominous music)
(receptionist screaming)
(birds chirping)
How much did all this cost?
Not much,
How much is not much?
Not much is not much,
Stop being a (mumbles),
I know not the meaning of the word,
Come now, let's get busy before I have to
rush off the hospital for a night of charcoal feeding,
alcohol abusing college cretins,
Yeah,
[Ella] Jesus,
What's wrong?
(ominous music)
Wow,
Who the hell is that?
The resident pederast,
Are you kidding me?
No,
Our lovely neighbor, who I assume is the resident busybody
informed me of his presence while you were out
participating in pumpkin palooza,
Why is he just standing there like that?
I know not the minds of sexual deviants,
Hey, be kind,
He may be reformed,
I'll go talk to him,
Hey there, buddy,
Uh, my name is Robert,
My wife, Ella, and I just moved to the neighborhood,
(birds chirping)
Okay,
Hey, look I was just curious why you were, you know,
standing here in front of my house,
It's a free country,
I can stand here if I want,
Fair enough,
Anyway, hey could you do me a neighborly solid
and you know, not lecherously stand here?
It's creeping my wife out,
No problem,
I don't wanna creep anybody out, not on Halloween,
There's enough creepiness in the air,
Yeah,
Name's Samuel,
You can just call me the resident pederast,
Everyone else seems to,
Well, that sure as shit took the piss out of my Halloween,
What the hell happened?
You need to keep your voice down from now on, okay?
[Ella] What do you mean?
I need to Clorox the first layer of skin
off my palm, forgive me,
Are you mad at me?
He heard what you called him, Ella,
What did I call him?
The resident pederast,
That's what he is,
Be that as it may, he's creepy,
he lives across the street,
and he's got an alleged rap sheet,
How the hell did he hear me?
I didn't scream it and I think there's enough space
between our house and where he's standing,
I don't know and I don't care,
All I'm saying is that was super awkward,
in a super awkward, throat cut in the middle of the night,
sort of way,
I beseech you,
Put on the guise of forward thinking whenever that man
is within earshot,
(sighs)
Now, my palm burns,
I'm sorry,
I didn't think he could hear me,
But, forgive me offending someone with that kind
of transgressive past isn't gonna cause me
to lose any sleep at night,
And, that's not what I care about,
Call him whatever you want on a piece of paper
that'll end up in your angry letter drawer,
but when a human being may be able to audibly pick up
on your negative feelings, I'm just saying be careful,
I don't want him hating us, hating you,
and then acting on some sort of nefarious impulses
he may be harboring,
Now, may I please carve a God damn pumpkin?
Please,
(somber tinkling music)
[Man] Whoa,
(sighs)
(fabric tearing)
He's alive
He's alive!
All right, be careful, psychopath,
I have created the perfect jack-o'-lantern,
I'm so proud of you,
Hey, I worked hard for this,
Get off your ass and come bask in the glory,
What the hell is that abomination?
What, it's a portrait of my grandpa,
Okay, there are so many things wrong with this,
A, was your grandfather Hitler?
And, B, why would you carve a portrait,
and I use the term portrait very loosely,
into a pumpkin?
I have no idea how you get Hitler from this,
Just look at his mustache, and his Jew-hating eyes,
Those aren't Jew-hating eyes,
Those are kindly old man eyes,
Used to carve pumpkins with my grandfather
when I was a kid,
That is adorable and the perfect way to announce
our anti-Semitism to the neighborhood,
All this work for nothing,
All right, I gotta go ready for my shift,
Okay, but be cool about what lights you turn on,
I don't want anyone stopping by expecting any treats
of any sort,
[Robert] Yeah, yeah, lame-o,
(crickets chirping)
(eggs thudding)
Shit,
(gasps)
What the fuck?
Jimmy,
What the fuck?
(light knocking)
[Girl] You can have it,
(woman screaming) (dramatic music)
Stop,
Get away from me,
No!
(woman screaming)
(dramatic music)
Oh no!
No, don't, (gun firing)
(crickets chirping)
(eerie music)
Lights,
Way to listen, husband of mine,
(light knocking)
Who is it?
[Girl] Trick or treat,
[Ella] Sorry, we don't have any candy,
Maybe next year,
(ominous music)
(gentle piano music)
(light footsteps tapping)
(dramatic music) Jesus!
Sorry (chuckles),
What the hell are you doing out here?
Disappointing children, that's what I'm doing,
Huh?
Somebody knocked on the door,
You left the light on the stairs on,
It doubles as a homing beacon for candy-seeking munchkins,
Well, what did you expect me to do,
stumble blindly up the stairs, trip and fall to my death,
Go back inside, scrubs, it's cold out here,
Why don't you wear a cardigan?
Yeah, a cardigan,
(ominous music)
(door slamming)
(Samuel vocalizing)
Oh, my Life Alert,
Please don't fail me now,
(vocalizing)
Look at you,
Hello,
(ominous music)
(chuckles)
The perfect mate,
Smiley face, smiley face, smiley face,
You missed me, didn't you?
Didn't you?
(chuckles)
(eerie music)
(vocalizing)
[Girl] Trick or treat,
Don't you know, I'm not allowed
to celebrate Halloween anymore?
Not legally,
Ultra totalitarianism at its finest,
(heavy pounding)
Yeah,
Who the hell is it?
[Girl] Fucking cunt, open the door,
[Samuel] What the fuck,
[Girl] Open the door, open the door let us in,
let us in, trick or treat,
(door slamming)
(Samuel sighs)
Trick or treat,
(door slamming)
I don't know who the fuck you are,
but when I find you, I'm gonna rip your fucking heart
out of your fucking chest,
Come on,
What the fuck?
(laughs)
Very funny,
I used to pull that fucking shit when I was a kid,
But, the best trick is when you take,,,
What, what the fuck?
[Girl] How 'bout a little fire, Scarecrow?
You're a fucking psycho,
(ominous music)
(groans)
You're fucking hilarious,
Now, get the fuck out of my house,
Or, on second thought, maybe stick around
and maybe we can see
what's under this mask,
(ax slicing) (dramatic music)
(Samuel groaning)
[Girl] Bend, bend,
Silly rabbit,
Tricks are for kids,
All right, lock all the doors and windows
and all that jazz,
See, you in the morning,
You look pensive,
[Ella] I am pensive,
Why are you pensive?
I'm just a little freaked out, Robert,
Why?
I don't know,
I'm going to be home alone, in a new house,
in a new town, on Halloween and you're going to work,
That's why I told you to lock all the doors and windows,
[Ella] We live next door to a pedophile,
Well, you're no his type, obviously,
[Ella] Is that funny?
It's a little funny,
It's not funny at all,
Look, nothing is going to happen, okay?
Today you were so mad at me because I opened my mouth
and that nasty guy heard me and now you're saying
everything is gonna be okay,
The hospital's a couple miles away,
I have my phone on me and if there's an emergency,
I can be home in 10 seconds flat,
Fine, but it's not 10 seconds flat,
Fine, it's totally 10 seconds flat,
Fine,
Happy Halloween,
I hate you,
I love you, too,
(ominous music)
(hard knocking)
It's too late, shop's closed,
(heavy pounding)
There is no more candy,
Come back next year,
Little cretins,
(loud thudding)
(ominous music)
(boots thudding)
What the fuck are you doing in my house?
Get the fuck outta my house,
(woman screaming)
(ax slicing)
(woman moaning)
You poor bastard,
Great night to have your first,
(yawning) You're telling me,
If I have to pump anymore charcoal tonight,
I swear to God, I'm gonna lose it,
(eerie music)
Is there any coffee in this place?
Um, you know, I would check in the break room
where coffee usually lives,
All right,
Yeah, yeah,
What's your name by the way,
Robert,
Macy,
Good luck,
Thanks,
(Macy sighs)
(ominous music)
(phone ringing)
Hey Mom,
[Mom] Happy Halloween, honey,
Yeah, Happy Halloween,
Where are you?
[Mom] Your father and I are at a party,
So, you're smashed,
[Mom] I'm not smashed,
I am your mother,
I most assuredly do not,,,
You're my mother, so you most assuredly are smashed,
[Mom] I resent that,
To what do I owe the honor of this telephonic reach out?
[Mom] Just saying hi and Happy Halloween,
Well, hi and Happy Halloween,
[Mom] Am I annoying you?
No, no you're not,
[Mom] You sound distant,
I'm just watching a movie and unpacking,
[Mom] Oh, yeah?
How is that going?
Fantastic,
(loud knocking)
Can I call you later?
There's somebody at the door,
[Mom] Of course there is,
It's Halloween,
I know, but I'm not really celebrating this year,
Can I call you back?
[Mom] Are you actually gonna call me back?
Yes, bye,
(loud pounding)
Wow, God,
When I was a kid, I took a hint,
(loud pounding)
Fuck this,
Who is it?
[Girl] Trick or treat,
(ominous music)
Look, I don't have any candy,
I don't have treats of any kind,
No pennies, no rotten apples, no razor blades, nothing,
Like, come back next year,
Sorry,
(slow knocking)
Did you not hear me?
(heavy knocking)
Go away,
(sighs)
[Robert] Hello, you've reached Robert's cell,
Leave a message at the tone or at the beep or whatever,
I'm, this is terrible,
Please leave a message,
Thanks for the effort,
(phone beeping)
Hi, it's me,
I know it's your first day of work,
I understand that,
But, I'm scared,
If you could just do me a favor and give me a call back
when you get a chance,
One of those calming, there's nothing to be afraid of,
reassuring calls,
I could really use it,
I love you,
(sighs)
You're going crazy, Ella,
You're going crazy,
(ominous music)
You're going fucking crazy,
(sighs)
Is that it?
Is that all you got?
(alarm beeping) (eerie music)
Hello,
Who's in here?
(panting)
(dramatic music)
(moving to ominous music)
(cell phone clattering)
(door creaking)
(knife slicing) (Ella screaming)
(panting)
(ominous music)
(plate shattering) (Ella screaming)
Fuck!
(plates shattering) (Ella screaming)
Stop it!
(plates shattering) (Ella screaming)
(dramatic music)
(light knocking)
(Ella screaming)
Oh fuck!
Fuck!
(groaning)
(knife clattering)
(loud knocking) (Ella screaming)
Who the fuck are you?
Why the fuck are you doing this to me?
[Girls] Trick or treat (giggling),
(Ella panting)
I can hear you breathing,
(door rattling) (Ella screaming)
[Girls] Trick or treat (giggling),
[Operator] Your emergency call is now being dialed,
Please stand by,
(Samuel groaning)
[Doctor] Clear the area,
[Doctor] Clear the room,
[Doctor] Multiple stab wounds,
(Samuel groaning)
[Doctor] Hold on,
Get an IV started,
(Samuel coughing)
I gotta call my wife,
[Macy] Where are you going?
Come on, Ella, pick up,
Come on,
Clear your voicemail,
[Macy] Hey, what happened?
I'm sorry,
I know that guy,
Yeah, we all know that guy,
He lives across the street from us,
He scared my wife and I just got a message from her
saying she was scared,
Oh, she's scared on Halloween night,
How surprising,
Look, I thought your sarcasm was funny before,
and believe me, I'm the reigning king of sarcasm,
but right now, it's not helping,
Look, did you see the thing around his throat?
What?
[Macy] The thing that looks like a garage door opener,
Yeah,
It's called Life Alert,
Geriatrics usually wear it,
If they fall and break a hip, they can press a button
that alerts us to come help them,
Sometimes people who get themselves in a lot of trouble
wear them as well,
Like Samuel,
Trying to calm me down?
(sighing) I'm trying to get you to think rationally,
The law of probability says that, yes, your wife's scared,
She's home alone, but she's not cut up
into a million pieces,
(sad music)
At home, shit like this would happen all the time,
Thought moving here, getting out of L,A,
would make it easier, but,,,
We lost a child,
We were so happy,
Freshly married, freshly parents,
The most beautiful baby girl you've ever seen,
She wasn't healthy,
We didn't know until one morning she wasn't breathing,
She had passed in the night,
[Macy] What was her name?
Melissa,
Fuck it,
Can you talk to me for a second?
Are you there?
Oh God damn it,
If you're there can you just knock?
(light knocking)
(somber music)
Okay, all right, thank you for that,
What did I do to you?
Why are you doing this?
Can you just answer those two questions, please?
Don't I deserve to know?
(ominous piano music)
Okay,
Well, if I'm going to die here,
which it seems like I'm going to,
You're gonna kill me, both of you,
If that's the case, can you just answer me one question?
Not why you're here or what did I do to you?
But, just another question?
[Girl] Okay,
How old are you?
How old are both of you?
[Girl] Five,
[Girl] Seven,
[Girl] 32,
[Girl] 56,
[Girl] 13,
[Girl] 46,
[Girl] 34,
[Girl] 600,
[Girl] 16,
[Girl] 40,
[Girl] 142,
[Girl] 147,
[Girl] 67,
[Girl] Two,
[Girl] 101,
[Girl] Four,
[Girl] 100,
[Girl] 14,
She was our world for that short time,
My wife, Ella, it hit her hard,
I mean, it hit me hard,
but I didn't wanna lose her, too,
You know that happens so often,
You lose a child and then your marriage falls apart,
Better worse, in all honesty, but I couldn't lose her,
I just couldn't,
Losing my daughter destroyed me,
but I had to be strong,
I have to be strong,
My wife, she's a teacher,
She loves kids,
She was so happy when Melissa was born,
And, I mean, it was a hellish labor process too,
But, she seemed to revel in it, you know,
As if she could see with, as if she could see
in her heart what was at the end of the rainbow,
This perfect amalgamation of her and I,
Our child,
I don't know how she does it,
She's got a job at the local middle school,
She's jumping back on the saddle,
I can't imagine what that's like,
Being a mother for so short a time and then
having to be around kids five days a week,
I just don't know,
I like you, Robert,
I'm glad you're here,
And, I hate everyone,
(Robert chuckles)
I hate the doctors, the nursing staff,
Actually, I hate the entire town,
Everyone's just so boring,
[Robert] Yeah, can tell that already,
Go be with your wife,
No, you're right, it's probably nothing,
Go home to your wife,
I'll cover for you,
It's still Halloween,
It's far past Halloween at this point,
Technicalities,
Happy Halloween,
Thank you,
(hatchet pounding) (ominous music)
(moving to dramatic music)
(chanting music)
(Ella grunting)
(girls laughing)
(eerie music)
Honey, I'm home,
Ella,
Oh, Jesus Christ,
Oh my God,
Ella!
(dramatic music)
(knife slicing)
(Robert screaming)
Where's my wife?
(ominous music)
(whippoorwill cooing)
(sad piano music)
(eerie music)
Just kill me,
That's what you want, right?
That's why you're doing this,
because I didn't answer the door,
Because I didn't give you a fucking treat,
And, so you kill my husband,
Just kill me,
Wait,
(dramatic music)
(sad piano music)
(Ella crying)
(ominous music)
Uh, I fucking hate Halloween,
I told you being a sexy (mumbles) was a stupid idea,
I look ugly and fat,
Nothing good ever happens on Halloween ever,
In fact, mostly bad things happen on Halloween,
I'm so fat, I just wanna eat chocolate,
But, I can't have any chocolate
because then I'll get fatter,
[Woman] Wait, you don't know what happened here?
Here?
Like here, here?
She doesn't know,
Wait, something happened here,
And I assume whatever the something is,
is something bad,
Something happened here and neither of you
until this moment have felt the need to tell me?
Well, count us as shitty friends then,
But, is Halloween night, so I guess we should tell you now,
That's great, tell her now,
[Pregnant Woman] I hate you guys,
I would say stop if you've heard this before,
but we've already established that you haven't,
so I'm just gonna run my mouth,
Run it, run it, run it, run it,
Okay, I get to tell a ghost story,
I am so amped,
It was Halloween night,
(woman giggling)
What?
Shut up, I'm having fun,
You guys are literally the worst,
Go on, I'll be a good girl,
Thank you cuz,
It was Halloween night,
[Woman] 15 years ago,
Was it?
Doesn't seem like that long ago,
It was forever ago,
Well, the first part was,
[Woman] The second part was last year,
Guys,
Okay, okay,
It was Halloween night and there was this woman,
She was knocked up to hell and back,
Oh my God, like you!
There are no words for how annoyed I'm getting,
Well, this pregnant bitch,,,
Why do you have to be so ugly?
Fine, pregnant broad,
Thank you,
This pregnant broad, she was dating
this total piece of shit,
You guys remember my cousin Trish?
Who doesn't know Trish?
Every throbbing cock in town knows Trish,
Yeah, yeah,
Go on,
This Katy dude, my cousin Trish, she knows him,
Well, knew him, for that matter,
He used to frequent Barney's, that piece of shit
along the wall, pseudo dive bar at the (mumbles),
And, this happened when she sees the dude,
well he knocked her up,
But, this chick, well, he was abusive, total piece of shit,
Verbal meets physical and this grand perfect storm
of fuck you machismo,
Well she gets wise and she leaves the dude,
But, she's already attached to this burgeoning vermin
inside of her,
Like she's so excited,
She always wanted to be a mother,
Forget the sperm sprayer who put the two kids inside of her,
Wait, twins?
(ominous music)
You are the worst storyteller ever,
Fuck and you,
What do you mean?
I am a great storyteller,
No you're not,
Spoiler alert, that the kids are twins,
You might as well just tell the audience,,,
Okay, guys, I'm kinda freaked out by this whole thing,
Apparently something horrible happened in the house
in which I dwell and my two best friends
decided not to tell me until I moved my ass in,
So, if you could finish the rest of the story, please,
They were twins,
Are,
Who's ruining the story now, bitch?
[Woman] Sorry, go on,
This skeezy dude, he's spurned because she dropped
the mother fucker like a bad habit,
Girl power,
Well, she started dating another buck,
Nice guy,
But, still on the low proverbial end of the higher class,
But, still a nice guy,
Well, this guy, man, he can't take it,
her running around with this new beau
while carrying his kids,
No!
No, sir,
And, one Halloween night,
15 years ago,
He snaps,
And, he stabs her in the belly right here in this kitchen,
(ominous music)
Are you fucking kidding me?
He stabbed her seven times,
Six,
It was seven,
I promise you it was six,
I swear to you it was seven,
Google,
Okay, guys, please,
I'm kinda freaked out by this whole thing right now,
I don't care if it was six or seven or 12 or 30 times,
A pregnant woman, pregnant, got stabbed in my kitchen?
[Both Friends] Yeah,
Okay, never mind you worthless slags not telling me,
but shouldn't my landlord?
I mean, God, this is something they're supposed to reveal
at some point, right?
[Woman] Well, yes and no, but it just depends,
That's the end of the story,
She dies,
I bet,
But, the kids didn't,
14 years later, those two girls,
those twins of evil,
those bad apples born out of violence,
they took to the streets,
one Halloween night years ago,
Lord knows why they chose that year,
You're talking about now,
It was the same year as you moved to town, no,
How did I not know about this?
They start going door to door knocking arbitrarily,
No rhyme, no fucking reason,
But, if you weren't celebrating,
if you didn't have your lights on, oh man,
did they have a treat for you,
Technically tricks really,
They killed a pedophile,
You know the one that did the little draws kids
waiting to the area,
Oh, those poor little angels,
Good riddance to the bad rubbish on that guy,
They kill a trailer trash broad,
Some old chick,
But, the really sad one, was this teacher gal's husband,
They kept her alive to deal with
all the pain and the misery,
Yeah, I see, I figured you were aware of this,
This is some really fucked up shit,
Those two brats, they totally cut,,,
No!
No,
That's the best part,
This is my time,
Fine, go ahead then,
Those two little brats,
they carved into his chest
a fucking jack-o'-lantern,
I have to fucking show you the pictures,
I think it's on run,com,
[Woman] Really?
I'll look it up,
Google it, bitch,
Guys, I don't wanna hear this anymore,
I know that I said the male entry was the best part,
But, really,
this, this is the best part,
Those two bad bitches, they're still alive,
What?
(giggles) See, that's the part I don't believe,
What, it's true,
They never found the bodies, I swear,
Okay, ladies, I'm done,
It's time for bed,
We have had a blast,
I need to go to bed,
(woman mumbles)
Have a carrot,
Ow,
(crickets chirping)
(loud knocking)
(ominous music)
(loud knocking)
(loud thudding)
Okay, (mumbles),
It just wasn't,
I'm fine,
(loud knocking)
(mumbles)
(loud knocking)
(mumbles)
(loud knocking)
(door creaking)
And, it was fucking nothing,
(door creaking)
(eerie music)
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