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[tense music]
[gasping]
[moans]
- [Man] Cut!
Stop, stop, stop!
- For fuck's sake,
It's my only scene,
Tosser,
- Jesus,
Cut!
What the hell is going on?
I say when we cut,
- Well, if she's gonna attack me like that
and you don't see the problem's, Bruce,
then someone has to take charge,
- All right, all right,
Calm down,
- I've been up all night and I'm seriously
gonna get one of my heads in a minute,
- What exactly is the problem, Greg?
- It's that extra, or whatever the fuck she is,
If the undead are supposed to be attacking me,
then I'm gonna need them to be a little bit
more vocal about it,
- Vocal?
- You know, raw,
- She's a zombie,
- You're telling me,
Where the fuck do they get these people?
If she is just gonna go about whining,
and not take it seriously,
then it's not gonna make me look menacing, is it?
A real zombie wouldn't just moan,
- Right,
Well, we'll deal with it,
Rachel!
Can we get the zombie to roar when she attacks Greg, please?
- Roar?
- Just do it, sweetheart,
Okay?
- Thanks, love,
Look, I'm sorry,
I don't want to seem difficult or anything,
You know, I just want this movie to be marvelous,
But seriously, if she doesn't roar this time,
can we think about replacing her?
Maybe get a guy,
- Yeah,
Of course, Greg,
No problem,
First positions,
- Thanks,
- Thank you,
Okay,
First positions then please, everyone,
Greg, hat,
- Oh, sorry, love,
- Come on, people,
Continuity should be picking up on this stuff,
We'll take that roar out in the edit, okay?
Okay, we're going for a take on this one,
And rolling!
Speed!
And action!
[gasping]
[roaring]
[rifle thudding]
- That was better, Bruce,
I hope you didn't mind, love,
I wasn't being divaish, was I?
I mean, I wouldn't want people on set
to think that I'm some sort of,
- Cut,
[ominous music]
- Stop,
This isn't right,
We shouldn't be here,
- Let me see,
How did we get on this path?
- See, it must've been when we crossed this river,
See, we should've taken this route,
We're way off,
Can you get maps on that thing?
- No,
Still no signal,
Look, it's dark, I've had enough,
Let's just put up the tent here
and get a fresh start in the morning,
All right?
- Fine,
- Well, he was supposed to be in a scene yesterday,
only he never showed up,
It's not like him,
He still had his zombie eyes in, and his makeup on,
and everything,
- And is it true that he is not the first person
to disappear from this film set?
- Apparently, they found a body last week,
One of the camera crew, someone said,
It was horrible by all accounts,
Looked like something out of the film,
I think some animals had got to him before the police did,
- Yes, well they're saying that this film is cursed,
Hoo-hoo,
What do you think about that?
- They would say that, wouldn't they?
Horror film, isn't it?
It's good for publicity,
- And apart from the disappearances,
didn't the film also suffer delays when a scene
being shot in a zoo had to be abandoned because the star,
and members of the crew, were attacked by wild dogs?
- That's right,
- Well, Dawn,
Let's hope your colleague turns up safe, well, and undead,
- Yeah,
- Well, I'm sure you'll be keeping an eye out for him,
Ashley,
- Great,
Good,
In other news, the same film company
will be filming a second film which is,
[growl echoes]
- What was that?
- Probably just a deer, or a sheep, or something,
There's loads of animals out on the moors,
- Yeah, but we're not on the moors, are we?
'Cause we strayed off the path
exactly like we were told not to,
[creature growling]
There it is again,
- I heard that,
[tense music]
- Hello?
Anyone out there?
Great,
- I've got a torch on my phone with a camera,
- This had better not be one of those tricks,
or something to try to scare us,
It's a bright night and we'll find you,
And when we do, we'll tear you a new,
- [Man] Eyes,
It's human,
- Was human,
The fuck's done that?
- We've gotta go,
We've gotta go right fucking now,
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Calm down,
It's plastic,
- What?
- It's just latex and makeup,
It's not real,
Oh,
This is,
[creature growling]
[man yelling]
- Oh, that's better,
Hi,
Want to know some buried secrets and very interesting news?
- Not really,
- Probably shouldn't say anything
'cause I was sworn to secrecy by Phil at the butchers,
He says they're filming a new zombie film around here,
He said they're using our town as Lower Volts,
a made up village, ravaged by the living dead,
Like Milton Keynes,
- I'm serious,
- Yes, Les,
They start shooting on Monday
with scenes from the pub in Lower Volts,
- How do you know so much about it?
- Welcome to The Severed Arms,
- You are?
- They're using the pub as The Severed Arms,
the local pub in the film,
[breathing heavily]
- No way,
- Way,
They were in here a couple of weeks ago
measuring up and everything,
It's all supposed to be very hush-hush,
- Honest?
- Yep,
Showed me pictures of what it's gonna look like,
and all the stars, and everything,
[laughs]
Well, the main bloke does enough look like you,
- Who is that?
- Greg Lupeen,
I couldn't believe it when I saw his picture,
You must have a double,
- Well, I'll have a JD,
Cheers, Bob,
Oh, I know Greg Lupeen,
He's a right twat, he is,
And you think he's like me?
- Yeah,
Well, more so now,
[breathing heavily]
So this is gonna be one of the locations,
'Course it's gonna cause some disturbance,
but their gonna reimburse me for loss
of take-ins on top of the fee,
- What, three pints and a pork pie?
- Shh,
I told 'em it gets really busy,
[breathing heavily]
It's a bit of a secret, Les,
But do you know what they're paying me?
- No,
- Good,
I know what you're like with secrets,
Here, have a pork pie on the house,
[breathing heavily]
[door opens]
Jesus,
Is it raining?
- Pissing down,
- Hey, Mike,
Do you know what?
- Yep,
- Ah, well,
No you don't,
You don't know what I was gonna say,
- Pint please, Roberto,
I'll tell you what, Lesley,
If I can guess what you're about to say, you owe me a pint,
If I get it wrong, I'll buy you one,
Deal?
- No chance,
You'll win,
You always catch me out somehow,
What was I gonna say then?
- You were gonna tell me about the new
pelican crossing outside the school,
- Wrong,
[laughs]
- You just lost yourself a pint then, didn't ya?
You want to try again?
- I don't know,
What do you reckon, Bob?
- Well, he got it wrong fist time, Les,
I'd give it a go,
- Okay,
You're on,
What was I gonna say then?
- You were gonna tell me that they're making
a new horror film around here using the local town
and various buildings for locations
in the fictitious village of Lower Volts,
Including using this place as their local boozer,
The Severed Arms,
- Shit,
- Two pounds today,
Please, Les,
- Cheers,
- How did you know all that?
- Bob told me last night,
[subdued music]
- Where do you want the stretcher?
- Won't need a stretcher,
- You'd be better off with a shovel,
- Christ,
Is that?
- No, no, no,
I've got a log burner,
Right,
Take those and put, 'em in the boot, Haskins,
- Okay,
- Well, the main body's over here,
- And now I'm getting one of my heads,
I knew this would happen,
- We'll have a word with her, Greg,
- Well, have two,
And make sure one of them is off,
- Well,
- Last night that zombie extra was trying to steal my scene,
My fucking scene!
- She was trying to do it quietly, Greg,
- All she had to do was get smashed in the face
with the butt of a rifle,
- You did hit her rather hard,
- First, she doesn't roar when she attacks me,
And then, when she gets her head smashed in,
she falls out of shot and only spits out two fucking teeth!
- They were her teeth, Greg,
- And now as it's my scene,
suddenly she can manage to scream for fucking England!
- We'll have a word,
- Well, make sure you do!
Now, fuck off!
- Cock,
- [Policeman] Looks like something a pack
of wild animals would've done,
- Well, I think we can rule out suicide,
Okay,
I want a full report on this as soon as you can,
And team, keep looking for any other bits,
There's still a couple of limbs missing,
- Is this how the deceased were discovered?
- More or less,
Haskins managed to slip in some,
- Over here, sir,
Found a phone,
- Excellent,
Bag it, tag it,
Get it to the lab,
- We've got a lab?
- Yeah,
Get it checked out,
I want to know if they made any phone calls before,
or after, they died,
Get that SIM card checked,
- Over here, sir,
Found something,
- Excellent,
What do we got, Haskins?
- [Haskins] Nice bit of spruce it think, sir,
- Are you all right?
- I told you,
I got one of my heads coming on,
Oh,
Oh, god,
It's gonna be fucking murder tonight,
- Shall I go and get?
- I just need to be left alone for a while,
I just want to lie down,
- I'll go and get,
- I do not want to be disturbed,
You're supposed to be a runner!
Fucking run!
[tense music]
- Well, that's me done,
I'll see you tomorrow, Robert,
- All right, Nobby,
Don't forget your torch,
- You off, Nobby?
- Yeah,
- See you next Wednesday,
[laughs]
- Cheers,
Stick it on the tab, Bob,
- You still owe me for,
What's that?
- [Les] A finger,
- Christ,
That's horrible,
- It's not even been something fried,
- It's just the box I put it in,
I found it on the carpark by the bins,
At first, I thought it might have been a fox,
- What, with human fingers?
- No, no, no,
That put it there,
- In the box?
- By the bins,
- Jesus,
- It would be a prop from that film, wouldn't it?
- Oh, yeah,
Of course,
Yeah,
Looks good, though,
- Finger lickin' good,
- The film crew will be looking for that, you know?
- He'll ask around,
- See those two over there?
I reckon they're with that film lot,
- Yeah, they stick out like a sore thumb,
- You got one of those in there as well?
- I don't suppose either of you are
looking for a finger in the carpark?
- They've been here all afternoon
drawing on their fancy iPads,
Here you go, Dad,
They made two glasses of white wine last all bleeding day,
- [Mike] Well, they're probably from London, ain't they?
Two glasses of wine cost 20 quid down there,
That's why I moved up here,
- Do you reckon I could charge 20 quid?
- No, Bob,
- Well, you just said in London,
- But we're not in London,
In London, you have London waiting,
proper decor, proper music,
- We've got proper,,,
Actually, this isn't even proper Blue Nun,
- Yeah, and the only waiting you have in here, it's um,,,
It's when,,,
Oh, bollocks,
That was a good joke, that was,
I nearly had it then,
- Yeah, don't worry about it, Lesley,
I don't think performing arts is for you,
- That's where you might be wrong,
Two more white wines, please,
- 18?
- No, Bob,
- You guys local, yeah?
- Local?
Us?
We're as local as,,,
As, um,,,
As your local shop,
- Our local shop is in Hampstead,
- Our local shop then,
- Our local shop's Lidl, Les,
Lidl's German,
- All right,
We're as local as, got it,
Waiting at the bar, London waiting,
That's it!
The only waiting you have in here,
- Shut up, Les,
[growling and screaming]
Sorry, I'm Mike,
The boys are local,
They grew up around here,
You were saying?
- That'll be 15 pounds, please,
- No it won't, Bob,
It's okay,
I'll get 'em,
Stick 5,50 on me slate,
- Thank you,
I'm Ryan and this is Trace,
Assistant producer on the zombie film shoot,
What I was saying is we're looking for some extras,
- So if any of you guys fancy it,
it's merely background stuff, but maybe a walk-on,
We got Greg Lupeen as the lead,
There are a few graveyard scenes that we need people
to be on night shoots as zombies,
Should be very exciting,
Lots of makeup, lots of blood,
All that kind of stuff,
- We get paid for it?
- Yeah, of course,
- I'm up for it,
Beats flipping burgers,
- Or plating my guys,
- Or bastard factory work,
I'm up for it, too,
Hey, can you imagine seeing this place
with brain dead zombie shuffling around?
- Well, we start in the morning,
so if you come with to the truck with prod,
our production office,
then someone should be able to sort you out,
- Do we have to wear our own clothes?
- Um,
- Do we have to wear our own zombie clothes?
- Do you have your own zombie clothes?
- Nothing zombie, no,
- No,
We're sure wardrobe will be able to sort you all out,
- You look strangely familiar,
What's your name?
- Les,
- What?
- Les,
- What?
- Les!
- Yes, Les what?
- Oh,
Jarvis,
- Have you made any films before?
- I made a few copies of naughty nudes once,
but they all came out crap,
[creature growling]
- Another drink?
A little wine?
- Crumbs, I wouldn't say it was little,
- No, Lidl,
It's from Lidl,
Would you like?
- No, no, no, no,
We've gotta be off,
- Yes, well here's my card and we'll see you in the morning,
Bye,
- [Mike] See ya,
- [Les] Bye,
[growling]
- What the fuck was that?
- Hey, how about that?
We're gonna be in a film in the morning,
I better pull me finger out,
Get it?
- Stop pissing about, Les,
Stick that behind the bar, Bob,
- Yeah, gonna be in a proper film,
- That one called Trace,
Was that a bloke or a woman?
- He had an Adam's apple and hairy arms, Les,
But because his name's Trace, suddenly you're not sure,
- Well, it's a woman's name,
I went out with a Trace once,
- Ah, that's why you're confused,
'Cause that one had an Adam's apple and hairy arms as well,
- Did you hear what he said though?
He said I seemed familiar,
- Yeah, well I wouldn't get too familiar, Les,
You know what this film lot are like,
They're all trouser bandits, mate,
- I know,
Look, he's even put it on his card,
Ass prod,
- No, you donut,
I think you'll find he's the assistant producer,
- I reckon Ryan and Trace will be
grooming you in the morning, Les,
- Nah, they have hairdressers for that,
I don't see those two wanting to put
product in me hair somehow,
- I don't know,
I reckon the one might,
[tense music]
[yells] [wings flapping]
- Fucking,
[gasping]
[creature growling]
[yelling] [creature growling]
- Oh, shit,
- Morning, Les,
- Hello, Mike,
Have you seen how much stuff you can have for breakfast?
There's bloody loads of it,
You can have as much as you like,
- What time did you get here?
- About six,
- [Mike] We're not called till seven,
- I know, but they said breakfast will be served from five
'cause they're shooting some dark,
scary scenes at the graveyard,
So I thought I best get here pronto
before them bleeding actors get in and wolf it down,
- Just for the free breakfast?
- Too right,
Saves getting your own, doesn't it?
- That's typical Les Jarvis, isn't it?
All them bleeding actors have been working through the night
with all them bleeding film crew,
You turn up at six o'clock in the morning
just to get to the front of the queue,
- I wasn't first in the queue, for you information,
I was a few minutes late,
I would've been first, but me mum had done me
a lot of toast and bacon,
- So you'd already had a load of,
- Hello, Mike,
You all ready?
Seen any zombies yet?
- Just the one, Bob,
- Hi, Bob,
- Bloody hell,
What time is it?
I'm not late, am I?
- No, five minutes early, actually,
- Blimey, this,
That looks good,
Gray putrified flesh and the hair,
They're good, these makeup people, aren't they?
- He's not been in yet,
- Oh,
- [Mike] He's only been to the catering unit,
- Yeah, I've just been there,
They ran out of nearly everything,
All the meats gone,
- Apparently, the meat got stolen in the night or something,
- [Bruce] And cut,
Okay, that's breakfast,
Back on set at quarter to, everyone,
Thank you,
- Why'd they nick all the meat?
Bastards,
Bloody starving,
Did you get anything?
- Did I, heck,
Lesley seemed to scrape through though, didn't ya?
- I was lucky, really,
Hey, I managed to save the last of the sausages for later,
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, there was only a couple left,
They were like bullets,
Normally, I wouldn't eat this stuff with a 10-foot pole,
but, well, you know,
Hey, you should've got down here earlier, Bob,
I was the early bird and that's why I've got worms,
- I'll have a word with the girl in a minute,
- You should have a word with the director or someone,
Never speak to the monkey, Bob,
Always speak to the organ donor,
- Okay, my lovelies,
I'm Alison,
I'm the first assistant director,
If you've been to hair and wardrobe,
go and get yourself a breakfast and sit on the bus,
Someone will come and collect you when we're ready,
- Breakfast?
If only,
- Sorry,
Yeah, I heard that they run out of breakfast
pretty early today,
And you are?
- Fucking starving,
- I'm Mike and this is Bob,
- Hi, Mike,
- [Mike] And this is,
- Oh, hi,
That looks good,
Didn't expect to see you here,
- I'm just chatting and stuff,
- [Alison] I thought you were on set,
- Me?
Nah,
- Okay,
It's just that I've never seen you speak to extras before,
What is it that you call them?
Detestable pond life,
- Nice,
- We're sitting right here, love,
- Oh, did you manage to get your special breakfast?
- Your what?
- [Man On Radio] Alison, are you there?
- Sorry,
Go ahead, Steve,
Sorry, Greg,
I've got to leave,
You're breaking up, Steve,
- We'll be in the pond if you need us,
Cheeky gal,
- Greg?
- Who's Greg?
- How come Greg gets a special breakfast?
She called you Greg,
[phone ringing]
- She must've mistaken me for someone,
- Yeah,
Greg,
Greg Lupeen,
Even she thought you looked like that twat,
She's not far wrong, is she?
You must look like him if you even fooled her,
[sighs]
- That was the police,
They found Nobby from the pub,
A real mess,
- Well, he had sunk a fair few,
We were all in a bit of a mess, weren't we,
[laughing]
- He's dead,
- What?
- He was attacked,
- When?
- Last night near a park on the way home,
It was a frenzied attack,
Literally been ripped apart,
- Serial killer, or psychopath,
They seems to be random killings
following a similar pattern,
These horrible murders are all linked
by one common connection,
- All male?
- No,
- All savagely attacked?
- No,
- All found in, or near, woodland?
- There's,,,
There are a few common connections, but the,
- Oh, oh, oh,
All occurred during a full moon?
- No,
Did it?
Right,
Make a note of that,
The one common connection,
[pens rattling]
The one common connection is,
[pen banging]
The one common connection is [phone vibrating]
that they are all in some way linked
to this bloody zombie lot making a film in the village,
So, what do we have?
Thank you,
The first victim was a cameraman on the film,
Now, his body was discovered in Wales whilst filming,
Then we got that grizzly attack on the backpackers,
Now this,
[fingers snapping]
Yes?
- What makes you so sure it was a grizzly, sir?
[gasping]
- [Bruce] Great scene, Greg,
- You don't need to blow smoke up my ass, Bruce,
Jesus!
Who do you have to kill to get decent coffee around here?
[man yells]
- I'll get you some, Mr, Lupeen,
- Proper coffee,
Not the nasty shit from that pub,
Oh, and get me the rewrites to scene 17
before I actually shoot it, will you?
- Yes, Mr, Lupeen,
- I'll be in my trailer
where I'll be trying to fucking meditate,
Do not disturb unless you're Spielberg,
Angelina Jolie, or God himself,
- Yes, Mr, Wanker,
Alison, Greg's gone back to his trailer,
Seems he's his twatty self again,
- Oh?
I've just been speaking to him and he seemed fine,
He was even talking to the extras,
What's the matter with him now?
- He's calling everyone amateurs
and says he thinks he has one of his heads coming on again,
I don't think we're gonna see him again for a while,
- Shit,
We need to complete on the graveyard scene
before it gets too bright,
- Good luck with that,
He's gone to meditate,
He says the sunlight's giving him a migraine,
- For fuck's sake,
Bruce will go mental,
We're already behind schedule,
Bollocks,
- Were found dangling from a tree,
Now, with the new discovery of poor
Nobby,
God rest his soul,
I think we can be fairly certain that somebody
from this film crew has seen, or heard something,
There's a dangerous person, or persons, out there,
- Sir?
- Yes?
- We've had a breakthrough with the SIM card
from the backpacker's phone,
There's some footage on there I think you might want to see,
- [Bruce On Radio] We need to get ready to complete
on the graveyard scene, Ally,
Can you send Greg?
- He's refusing to come out of his caravan,
Rachel, you better tell Bruce that,
- Hold on,
Excuse me,
Les, isn't it?
- Uh, yeah,
- Les, it would seem that you have a doppelganger,
- No, they're just ordinary sausages,
You can have 'em back, if you like,
- A clone?
- Oh,
- You know Greg Lupeen, star of this film, right?
- I've seen pictures of him,
- You look so similar,
You could have the same mother,
- Shame he ain't got the same father,
Could save a lengthy search,
- See, I told you you look like him,
I thought it was you when I saw him
getting out of his car earlier,
- Why, does he look like a clown, too?
- Look, I'll be frank,
I need to speak to the producer,
but we need to get a scene shot urgently
and I don't think we're gonna get Greg outside,
It's only a middle distance shot,
but if we paid you some extra money,
would you be Greg for us?
- Okay,
Yeah,
- If he finds out though, he will go ballistic,
- [Les] Okay,
- Right,
So I'm gonna need you two to keep it under wraps, too,
Perhaps if we get you both in the scene as well,
that way we'll all be in on it,
- Brilliant,
Right,
So you're gonna be Frank, I'm Greg, so they'll have to be?
- Discreet,
- Brilliant,
We've all got characters,
- [Man On Tape] What?
[all gasp]
- [Man On Tape] Latex and makeup,
It's not real,
Oh,
This is,
[creature growling]
[man yelling]
[door slams]
- Fucking Jesus,
- Have I missed anything?
Ooh, Black Forest,
- How does he walk in these trousers?
I feel like I've pooed me pants,
Thanks,
This is brilliant, isn't it, Mike?
- I know,
Who would've thought it?
Yesterday, we were nobodies,
Today, we're stars in a film,
- Think we'll get our name in the credits at the end?
- No, we're just extras,
They don't put that, do they?
- No, I think he's right, Mike,
After all, it's like she said,
If we weren't doing this scene for them,
their schedule would be knackered
'cause of old stroppy bollocks in that caravan,
I don't think he's right, you know?
I'm going to ask them about that credits thing,
I think they should,
- I wouldn't bother, Les,
No one's supposed to know it's you anyway, remember?
- Oh, yeah,
- If you're gonna have a word with them about anything,
see if you can get some bloody food,
I'm starving,
- Hang on,
Here, Mike,
All right, Bob,
Get a load of this,
- Whatever it is, Bob, I think he's kept it warm for ya,
- That better be a sausage, Les,
- It is a sausage,
Look, I've even wrapped it in silver foil
so you can warm it up,
All you have to do is this,
- Les, what are you doing?
- It's clever, isn't it?
Only need a few minutes in there,
Here you go, Mike,
I'll put one in for you as well,
- Les, you can't,
- Actually, Mike, I think on this occasion
I'll take the chance,
I'm bloody starving,
Nice one, Les,
- Anything from Heddlu Cymru?
- Nothing, sir,
Oh, but the Welsh police did send this footage
of that cameraman that was killed from their investigation,
Similar circumstances,
They were shooting a scene in a zoo near Wales,
then this happened,
[man screaming on tape]
- Not great footage, is it?
- No, it's crap,
If you ask me, they're better off without that cameraman,
Sorry, sir,
- Look at all the animals,
They're going mental over something,
So is this when the cameraman was killed then?
- No, no,
I think someone got bitten or something,
It was later that night when the cameraman was killed,
- So it wasn't one of the animals,
- No, not unless one escaped from the zoo, sir,
But it was some kind of animal,
It was a real mess again, sir,
There were intestines everywhere,
Some were missing,
No human could do that,
Guts strewn about the place,
Blood gushing from every wound,
The ribcage had been ripped,
- Yeah, it's all right,
Thank you,
- Sorry,
- An animal,
An animal, Haskins,
That could be what we're looking for,
Right,
Get the lab to recheck those bodies,
- We've got a lab, sir?
- Yes, we have,
It's sort of,,,
Yeah,
And have a word with the Welsh Heddlu,
or whatever they're called,
Get them to check the cameraman's body as well,
I want to see if there's a hair, a tooth, anything,
- They all had hair and teeth, sir,
Except the old fella,
I don't think the teeth were his,
- Not theirs,
What killed them,
Can you roll that footage again?
Just,
Yeah,
Stop there,
- What is it, sir?
- I need to piss,
- [Toy] And this little piggy went
wee, wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home,
- Daddy, can you take my music box, please?
- Oh, thank you,
I'll listen to it while riding,
- Wear your helmet,
- Yes, dear,
- Don't yes, dear me,
Steve's wearing his,
It'll save your life and you'll thank me for it,
- Hiya,
Oh, see you've got music to cycle by today,
- Yeah, Bella said I've got to take it,
- Cool,
You ready then, Scott?
- Yeah,
Where are we going today then?
- Over to the other side of the moor,
- What?
That's miles away,
- You said you wanted to get fit,
- That'll kill us,
- Come on,
- See you later,
Bye,
- Bye, Dad,
- [Scott] Bye-Bye,
- Bye,
- How the fuck can they be shooting the scene if I am here?
Answer me that,
- It's only a wide, Greg,
- A fucking wide of the fucking scene in which I behead
25 of the living fucking dead by myself,
Me, the star of this fucking film!
So, how the fuck can your fucking scene be shot
and not include fucking me?
- You were in your trailer, Greg,
- I was in my trailer?
So you decide to carry on without me?
So what if the director decides to take a piss?
Someone else takes over?
- Sir,
Sir, look at this,
[growling and screaming on video]
- This had better be important, Haskins,
What is it?
- Look, sir,
All the wilds dogs are snarling and going mental, but look,
They only seem to be going mental
and snarling at one person,
- God, yes,
- Just move it on a few frames,
- No, I do,
Yeah, just,
- There,
Jesus, look at those teeth,
What the hell sort of dog is that?
Now that one there is the director,
They're all the same, aren't they?
What a bender,
And that,
That's the actor Greg something from all the adverts,
Christ,
They're like catnip to them dogs,
Oh, god,
It looks like that dog thing really bites him,
Looks like it takes a bite out of them all,
- Jeez,
- Nasty,
- Greg Lupeen,
That's who that is,
Right,
I think we ought to go and have a word with Greg Lupeen,
I want to know what spooked all those animals that night,
Yeah,
I also want to know what happened in that cage
that evening as well,
Better bring your notebook,
- Autograph?
- Yep,
Oh, Haskins,
- Is something burning?
- And what makes it worse is that you were going
to film it in secret while I was locked in my trailer,
- Something is burning,
- The only thing that should be burning
is my fucking contract!
I could shut this film down!
Here we go,
We've got the producer here now,
- I am sorry, Greg,
I have only just heard,
This had nothing to do with me, I promise,
I will make sure that the scene is shot with you
in the middle distance,
And we will make sure that we see you
decapitate the zombies,
Heads will roll, Greg,
Trust me,
And not just the zombie ones,
Let me speak to Bruce,
- If you want talentless untrained pond life
to star in your two-bit movie,
then maybe you should've got Danny Dyer and not Greg Lupeen,
- Greg, darling,
I had nothing to do with this ridiculous decision,
- What?
Wasn't it you that said?
- Quiet,
Go and get Greg a coffee now,
And find Bruce,
Let's get this mess sorted out,
- I'll go,
- Thanks, Rach,
Can anyone else smell pork?
[snorts]
- [Man On Radio] We've just had a report back from the lab,
The university,
The professor of film and media has managed to enhance
individual frames of the phone footage
and can quite clearly see what attacked those backpackers,
You're not gonna believe this, sir,
But he says it looks like a cross between a giant,
- A giant?
- [Man On Radio] Wolf-like dog and a man,
- A nutter,
I told you, didn't I, Haskins?
A psycho,
I'm gonna need a list of everybody
associated with that film,
Oh, and get me a list of everybody
that was on that shoot in Wales as well,
And get me the results of the teeth
and hair check on those bodies,
- [Man On Radio] Oh, another thing, sir,
The earlier footage from Wales shows
that the animals in that zoo
were a vicious hybrid of the timber wolf,
The crew should've been nowhere near 'em,
They're lucky they escaped with nothing worse
than just a bite,
I know this is gonna sound crazy,
but there could be some validity in the lycanthrope theory,
You don't know what I mean when I say lycanthrope, do you?
- Of course I do,
He'll be saying we're looking for a fucking werewolf next,
- Thank you,
You're not gonna take it serious, are you?
Werewolf?
It'll be druggies on skunk,
- Haskins, the victims were ripped apart,
- It's strong stuff,
[engine starts]
[subdued music]
- [Haskins] Fucking cyclists,
Look at 'em,
Like a right pair of benders all in Lycra,
- Right,
Pull up,
Let's see what they're up to,
You know, I really need to have a word with you, Haskins,
- [Toy] And this little piggy stayed home,
- Uh, lads,
You can't be,
- [Toy] And this little piggy had roast beef
and this little piggy had none,
- Could you switch that off a minute, please?
- [Toy] This little piggy went,
- You can't stop along here with two bikes,
- I've got a puncture,
- Even so,
You can't stop along here,
You're likely to cause an obstruction,
Look, it's for your own safety,
So, if you've got to do that then take it up there,
Right off the road,
That's it,
A bit further,
It's a nasty stretch along here, you see?
I mean, I wouldn't want anything to happen to you out here,
If anything did happen, well,
I wouldn't want anybody to point their finger at me and say,
- Is this him?
Is this who you've replaced me with?
- Greg, it was a mistake,
- He is a mistake,
You were going to use this hideous gargoyle
and you thought he looked like me?
- Hang on a second,
I might be hideous and even look like a gargoyle,
but I am not,
Shit,
- You are nobody,
Did you really think you could just jump in
and become the great Greg Lupeen,
star of over 17 films and the voice of Chunky Cut Crisps?
- Look, mate,
Oh, is that you on the Chunky Cut adverts?
[laughs]
♪ When you need a snack that's a little bit chunky ♪
♪ Get the bag that's a little bit funky ♪
♪ Grab a Chunky Cunt
Cut,
Chunky Cut,
- What the fuck?
Get me my fucking agent on the phone right fucking now!
[subdued music]
- That's weird, isn't it?
Listen,
- I can't hear anything,
- Exactly,
No birds, nothing,
- Hadn't really thought about it,
I suppose it is a bit weird,
Especially out here,
It's quite eerie, actually,
- Hurry up,
Could lose the light in a few minutes,
Look, use the light from that sign there,
- You know, that's the only light along this entire stretch,
It's no wonder there's been so many incidents along here,
- Les, think your sausage might be done,
- Just wait till my agent arrives,
You bunch of amateurs are in deep,
- Shit,
- Shit indeed, my friend,
Deep shit,
- Christ,
I'm never gonna eat,
- Your coffee, Greg,
- Mr, Lupeen!
- Your coffee, Mr, Lupeen,
Can we get someone to look at this light?
- What, for the burnt bulb?
Jesus,
That just about sums you people up,
You can't do a goddamn thing for yourselves,
Make a decision, use the right people,
shoot the right scenes!
And now, a simple job like swapping a fucking bulb,
- Let me call someone,
- Call someone?
Christ,
All you have to do is take one out
and put another one back in its place,
Like you do with lead cast members it seems,
- I think we should call someone,
- Oh, just get out the way!
All right,
What's in here?
Halogen, tungsten?
- Cumberland?
- I'll get someone from elecs,
- Maybe you want to get an extra
who just looks like someone from elecs,
I mean, isn't that how you people operate on this shoot?
Well, just like in the scene,
If you want something done properly,
get the real Greg Lupeen!
- Seriously,
Greg, I'll get someone,
- You want to get someone, Alison?
Then get my fucking agent!
And then get me the union rep,
Someone is going to fry over this,
And I do mean fucking fry!
[electricity zapping]
[Greg grunting]
- [Man On Radio] All the power's just gone down here, sir,
- Same here,
- [Man On Radio] Right,
Well, good news,
We've got a match on some DNA
found on the cameraman in Wales,
- Go on,
- [Man On Radio] It seems that a Gregory Baggins was swot
when he spent the night at Her majesty's Pleasure
during the poll tax riots in 1990,
Gets better,
The same DNA was found on the baseball cap
found at the scene of the backpacker's murders,
- Got him,
Hold on,
Who's Gregory Baggins?
- [Man On Radio] He later changed his name to Greg Lupeen,
- The film star,
I said that, didn't I?
Didn't I, Haskins?
- No,
- I bloody did,
- [Haskins] You never said it was him,
- I did,
- You just said you thought it might be
one of that film lot,
- I said it was,,,
Just drive, Haskins,
We're on our way,
It'll give me great pleasure to charge him,
- [Man On Radio] Then you'd better turn around
and head back,
He's just been rushed into Norton Hospital,
He's been electrocuted,
- Sounds like he's already been charged then, sir,
[laughs]
[imitating electricity zapping]
- What's the matter with you?
- I'm sorry, sir,
I think it might be the energy drinks,
- Right,
Get a uniform placed outside that ward,
We're on our way,
Right,
Hospital,
[tires squealing]÷¦ [liquid splashing]
For fuck's sake, Haskins,
- Oh, great,
The only light for miles around and the power goes off,
- Well, at least it's a full moon,
- [Scott] Here,
- Ah, thanks,
That's a bit better,
Not much, but at least,
[creature growling]
- What the fuck was that?
Shit,
♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪
- Turn that shit off,
♪ Big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, ♪
♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪
♪ Tra, la, la, la,
[creature growling]
[tense music]
- [Scott] I think you better hurry up,
- Who'd have thunk it?
A big star like Greg Lupeen, a bloody werewolf,
- Well, we don't really know that for sure,
But one thing we do know for sure is that we can place him
at the scene of these horrendous murders,
And as well as the DNA in his hat,
It also had his bloody name in it,
- Gotcha,
I never knew werewolves were actually real,
I mean, I know Frankensteins are,
So, are we gonna arrest the bastard?
- Haskins, he might not be a bastard yet,
He has to be found guilty first,
Anyway, we may have to wait a while for that now,
- He thought he was gonna be in a big film,
but he just end up in casualty,
[laughing]
You get it?
- Haskins, I can assure you that that is not
in the least bit amusing,
Anyway, with him now in hospital,
at least there'll be no more killing,
[tense music]
- [Scott] Come on,
How much longer is it gonna take?
Fuck this,
Just leave it,
Ride it as it is,
Let's get out of here,
- I'm going as fast as I can,
I can't get the valve lined up,
[creature growls]
- It's in the trees,
- It's coming,
[creature growls]
- Fuck this,
Come on, let's get out of here,
- No way,
These are 26-inch Shimano Dura Techs,
Do you know how much these bad boys go for?
[yelling]
[creature growling]
[thud echoes]
- What the fuck was that?
[growling]
♪ Who's afraid of the big bad wolf? ♪
♪ Tra, la, la, la, la,
- Good morning and a good day to you,
We've quite a meal for you here,
There's some bacon and eggs, porridge,
orange juice, and toast and jam,
That's good stuff here,
Now eat it up and I'll be back for the dishes
when you finish,
- Cold,
It's just like being back in the '80s,
- Good morning,
Ah,
So you must be,
- A werewolf,
That's what they're saying,
A bloody werewolf,
- I know,
Unbelievable,
They reckon it was that Greg from the film,
- Yeah, that's what this one says,
A professor at the university has evidence, he reckons,
Says the recent wave of brutal attacks
was the work of a lycanthrope,
- Which is?
- No, not witches,
- A werewolf, Les,
- All the brutal murders took place during a full moon,
All were torn apart and the claw and teeth marks
match that of a timber wolf, only larger,
Greg Lupeen has no alibi for the times of the murders,
always alone in his trailer suffering from severe headaches,
All which coincided with lunar activity,
- This one says his hat was found at the scene
of one of the murders with his DNA on it,
- Oh, the dirty bastard,
- No, Les,
DNA doesn't necessarily mean,
Oh, forget it,
- Apparently, he was bitten while they were
filming a zoo by Wales,
- How do you get bitten by whales?
- The zoo near Wales,
He was bitten by a wolf,
- And another thing,
In the Star, it says here,
if you change a letter of his name, Lupeen,
it spells lupine which means wolf-like,
There you go,
Now that's proof,
- How is that proof, you donut?
My dad's called Leonard,
You change a letter in his name,
does that make him a leopard?
- I don't know,
Which letter?
[tense music]
- You all right?
- Jesus,
Never seen a body in such a state,
- Should've worn his helmet,
- Haskins, the lower half of his body's missing,
What the hell could've done that?
[toy winding down]
- Something doesn't add up,
Why would he come into the woods to fix his bike?
Why not just do it on the road?
The moon was full,
It would've been much brighter,
- [Haskins] And safer,
- What have you got there, Haskins?
- Music box, sir,
- Has it been dusted for prints?
- No, sir,
- Put it down then,
Don't wipe the,,,
You'll wipe all the,
- Hang on a minute, sir,
Isn't that one of the cyclists that you told to get off the?
- You know what, Haskins?
Do you want to go and wait in the car
for a couple of minutes?
- Better still, help us find the other cyclist,
There are two bikes,
There must've been two riders,
- Or maybe the other one got away,
Maybe, just maybe,
he battled valiantly to escape this depraved killer,
Help us sort out this gruesome mystery once and for all,
Make a positive ID on Greg Lupeen,
And tell us exactly what he became,
Help us solve this mystery of what happened
on that horrible night,
- [Haskins] Well, sir,
He's over here,
- The sooner we wrap on this movie, the better,
The police and the media, they're everywhere,
- Look, this may sound mercenary,
but have you seen the publicity it's generating?
This film is gonna be huge,
Shame it wasn't about werewolves instead,
God, you couldn't buy publicity like this,
- Verity, it may have escaped your attention,
but not only is the power still down,
our lead actor is a frigging werewolf and serial killer,
He's been electrocuted, got third degree burns,
is in a guarded hospital ward,
and possibly in a bit of a bad mood,
And if he ever does get out of his hospital bed,
it'll probably be just to get transferred
to a secure prison,
So we may have a bit of a wait,
- What's left to shoot?
[sighs]
- Just some crowd scenes, some establishing shots,
and a piece with the heroine,
- Do we need to use Greg?
I mean, can't we complete using that guy again
that looks like him?
- We could, and I'm sure we could find him,
but there's a very good chance he could be,
- Shit,
And he's not in a good way,
Says here he's got a detached retina from the shock,
And third degree burns to the soles of his feet
where he earthed,
- Do you think I'll get a reward?
- A reward?
- Well, yeah,
I caught a crazed killer,
I caught a bloody werewolf,
Well, it's as plain as the egg on your face,
If I didn't have the looks of a film star,
you know, that Greg,
he'd still be out there killing people,
- So you think it was your looks that finally snared him?
- Well, in a roundabout way, yeah,
- And not by placing a fat-filled combustible
into the heat of a 20 kilowatt studio light?
- Well,
- Or by wrapping it in tinfoil making it
less of an incendiary device and more of a live conductor?
- Yeah, well,
It was an awful flesh smell, wasn't it?
- Well, I reckon 50,000 volts went through him,
- Did you see his face?
[grunting]
- Les,
- Hey, I know it sounds a bit rude,
but when the buzzing was happening
and he was starting to smoke and stuff,
he looked like he was having a shit,
- He probably bloody was,
- I wonder how he is?
- According to this his teeth were still hot
when the ambulance got him to the burns unit,
Oh, and of course they couldn't do anything for him
till they got the power back on,
- Oh, yeah,
The entire county's down,
- Oh, Christ,
- What?
- Well, the real ale's all pulled on draft, aren't they?
And the lager's electric,
So, does the lager still work?
- The entire county has got no heating or electric,
Schools have been forced to close,
And the local hospital's struggling
because the overhead power cables have melted,
And Lesley Jarvis is concerned about what?
- Go on,
- I don't believe this,
- What?
Is the lager on, Bob?
[phone ringing]
- Is he as bad as the other one?
- No, I don't think so,
Look, sir,
He was wearing his helmet,
- Is he still alive?
- I think so, sir,
I think the helmet must've saved,,,
No,
[phone rings]
- Severed Arms,
Sorry, Dirty Hog,
Yeah?
Who?
Les Jarvis,
Yeah, I know who he is,
Yeah, well he's here, so I'll tell him,
All right,
Bye,
- Full house,
- Five kings,
- Not again,
- Apparently, producer of the film wants to see
the man who resembles Greg Lupeen,
- I thought me ears were burning,
- So you really do resemble him,
- Why do they want to see me?
- Sounds like you're in the shit,
- I wonder what for?
- Oh, I don't know, Lesley,
Maybe bringing down a county's entire power supply,
- Causing a small fire,
- [Mike] Causing thousands of pounds worth of damage
to film equipment,
- Being a twat,
- Yeah,
Electrocuting a film star,
- That's all,
- Oh, great,
Blame Les,
I bet they'll be blaming me for his detached retina next,
- Well, there's a good chance, Lesley,
as one, it was all caused by you,
And two, it was all caused by you,
- What was B again?
- You better get ready to face the music, Les,
- Oh, no need,
Guess who's just walked in,
- Go on,
- Okay,
Look who's just walked in,
- Uh-oh,
It's the main zombie film woman,
- Makeup's not very good, is it?
- Can I have a word with you, Mr, Jervis?
- Jarvis,
How are you, Alison?
- I don't know about you, Mr, Jervis,
- Jarvis,
- But I don't believe in beating about the bush,
- That's a surprise,
I've heard all about you film lot,
- I'll come straight to the point,
We are in the shit,
- Yep, like I said,
- All right, Les,
How can we help you?
- As you probably know, Greg Lupeen, the star of the film,
has been incapacitated and will be
out of action for a while,
Tomorrow we'll be announcing,
that although he's making progress,
he will not be returning to filming duties
on this particular production,
- Sorry to hear that,
I bet you've invested a lot in this film,
- You wouldn't believe how much,
We have been blighted with problems,
First, the crew getting attacked and bitten
during the zoo shoot,
Then, the death of a cameraman,
some grizzly incident near to our location,
And now the hospitalization of Greg,
We have lost time, money, and even equipment,
We could stand to lose over three million,
Fortunately, all of Greg's close-ups and action scenes
had already been completed,
So all we really need now are some long shots, silhouettes,
and profiles for the remainder,
And this, Mr, Jarvis,
- Jervis,
- This is where you come in,
- I've been here ages,
Could I just have a moment at the bar, please?
- Oh, please do,
- Well, I'm impressed, Lesley,
For once you've taken the time to understand something
and think about it,
- I just wanted a pint,
What was she going on about, Mike?
- They need you to fill in for Greg Lupeen, you twat,
They need you to finish the film,
otherwise they're in the shit,
You are holding the trumps,
- Could you tell?
I did squeak one out earlier,
but I didn't think anyone had heard it,
- I still can't believe this werewolf thing,
Well, let's go see our werewolf Mr, Lupeen
in hospital, shall we?
See if he's in a mood to talk,
He might want to know that we've found his latest victims,
- Something else doesn't add up with these cyclists,
As well as why they were up here in the first place,
It's the time of death,
You say you saw them alive, Officer?
- Yeah,
Me and the DA did,
That was when the DA told them to get off the path,
- Just tell her the time,
- 10 till eight,
- When we saw the cyclists,
- 8:15,
- Okay,
Okay, listen up, everyone,
I'm sure you've all heard the stories by now
that Greg Lupeen is the chief suspect
in a series of gruesome murders by an alleged werewolf
that took place in the woods,
This is absolute nonsense,
And please, do not talk to the press about it,
Greg Lupeen has been nowhere near the woods,
He was also hospitalized yesterday,
So just to keep you in the loop,
his condition improved a little overnight,
but he is not out of the woods just yet,
Not that he was in the woods,
When I say out of the woods, I mean,,,
I think we owe it to Greg and to our investors, of course,
to finish this movie,
So we will be completing on scenes 48 and 62 this evening
using our new Greg lookie-likie, Les Jervis,
- Jarvis,
- Whatever,
Now, there may be a police presence during
these last few takes while an investigation is carried out,
So please, can you all be as cooperative as possible
and they will hopefully be as quick as they can,
We have been assured that the power will be back on shortly,
So let's finish this movie for Greg,
- Woo!
- Wow,
You're a sensation, Lesley,
- I know,
I've got the sweet smell of success ringing in me ears,
Did you hear what she said about the police, Mike?
I reckon they might want to question us
about that sausage electrocuting Greg,
Right,
We've got to make sure all our ducks
are signing on the same page, yeah?
We need to avoid talking to the police, okay?
- Yes, Les,
- Good,
Where's Bob?
- He's over there talking to the police,
- Shit,
- You spoke to them 8:15?
According to the ambulance crew,
they responded to the phone call from the studio at 7:02
and took Mr, Lupeen to the hospital
where he was admitted at 7:41,
You see, this is what doesn't make sense,
Greg Lupeen can't be your man,
- Right,
Let's get back to the film set,
Haskins, the car,
- Volvo,
- I know what it is,
Go get it,
- Sorry, guys,
The main power's back on now,
Stand by, everyone,
Just need a few minutes to reset,
Sorry, Bruce,
- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Okay, we need to get this scene bagged
and in the can quickly tonight, people,
And I do mean quickly,
I want to wrap in 20 minutes,
- Bruce, we've got a couple of hours on this
according to the schedule,
- Yeah, not tonight, Alison,
I'm a little concerned about the light, all right?
- It's a full moon,
- Yeah, yeah,
But it's just no good from my point of view,
It changes too many things,
Let's just get this done before it changes anything else,
- Don't you want to wait till the extra lights come back on?
- There's no time,
Just do it, okay?
- There, Haskins,
See that?
- Yep,
Chip shop,
Can I put the blues and twos on, sir?
- Go on then,
- Yes,
[siren wailing]
- Oh, fuck,
- What?
- Remember I wrapped that sausage in silver foil
and put it in the light for Bob?
- I think we all remember that, Lesley,
- Yeah, well there were two,
I put one in for you as well, remember?
- Oh, yeah,
- Yours is in that one,
- Oh, fuck,
[oil bubbling]
[tense music]
- Clear the set!
- Bruce, I thought we were going to shoot the second,
- Clear the set now!
- Okay, you heard Bruce,
Clear the set,
We're going for a take,
- No!
[yelling]
[growling]
[people yelling]
[dramatic music]
[growling]
[oil bubbling]
- What the fuck do we do?
- Show him your cross,
- I am fucking cross,
- He's not a fucking vampire,
[growling]
[people yelling]
Whoa!
Fuck off!
- Why is he running?
Technically, he's already dead,
Alison,
- Fuck me, that's hot,
[dramatic music]
[growling]
- What the hell?
- I told you they were like bullets,
- A silver bullet,
- Okay, listen up,
You may all be in danger,
- Uh-huh,
- We know that Greg is not the,,,
Oh,
[soft piano music]
Yes, well,
We worked out that it couldn't have been Greg Lupeen,
Although, evidence did clearly point that way,
The recovered footage shows that he was indeed attacked
by those wild dogs and it did appear
that he was bitten by one,
Hence our suspicion,
However, we don't always get it right the first time,
- That's true,
Remember when we sent that fella down
and he hadn't even done,
- All right, Haskins,
Do you want to go and tell uniform at the hospital
that he's free to return to the station?
And you can tell Mr, Lupeen that he's
free to leave the hospital as soon as he is able to,
Yes, on closer,,,
Yes, on closer inspection,
it appears that Bruce the director was, in fact,
bitten by one of these dogs, too,
And it was Bruce that had become infected,
Incredible as it seems,
Werewolves do exist,
Or did,
Thank god we were at hand, that's all I can say,
to put an end to this gruesome episode,
I think the village can rest assured once again
that they are finally living in safety,
[machine beeping]
They'll be no more murders on my watch,
Oh, no,
Not on my watch,
[roars]
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