Open up, in the name of His Royal Wondrousness, King Snodd!
Alright, guv,,,
Blow, blow, blow on snow, My wish will come tomorrow!
I want a bear,
Now you, Jennifer,
Snow-wishes are for babies,
Gimme a break, I'm only seven,
All right, Tiger,
I wish that none of us are sent to the Troll Wars,
Oh, I,,, I wish for that as well, Obviously,
Then you should behave yourself,
Next time someone picks you, don't steal their cakes,
You don't think they will come after me?
Er, Happy Festivus, Mr Brittles,
I bring a gift for the orphans from His Royal Wondrousness, King Snodd,
How kind,
The children will write and thank him,
Well, goodnight then,
Our business is not concluded,
Track him down and ask him in person myself,,,
Every child in my orphanage
is of exemplary character! - Lies!
That is absolutely not proven!
Rejected orphans belong to the King!
Now listen up, all you horrible, parentless, unloved
and rejected little things!
One of you ate cakes that did not belong to you,
That child now belongs to the King,
Which one of you was it?
Undisciplined!
You'll learn discipline on the battlefront fighting trolls!
Was it you?
What's your name?
G,,, G,,, G,,, Gordon,
Which child ate cake, Gordon?
I want an answer or I'll take every child in here!
Five! Four! Three!
Was it you, boy?
Say it! Say it!
It was me,
Errant girl, Come to Mr Brittles,
Come on then,
Yes, I can see it in you,
Something that hasn't been broken in,
But they'll fix that,
No! No! No! She's lying! It was me!
Shut up, Tiger, Lie down,
He'll take you both,,, Lie down,
No! I ate the cake, I did! Me!
Bring her!
Jennifer! Jennifer!
Please, Mr Brittles, Jennifer is,,,
Mine, She's mine, One more word and I'll take them all, I swear it,
Jennifer!
Come on!
Wait 'til you get to the Troll Wars,
Minus 50 degrees in summer,
Your tears freeze on your cheekbones,
Good evening,
I've come to select an orphan for, er,,, indentured servitude,
Talk to the old hag,
Well, as it happens, I'm rather keen on the girl
that you are about to put in that cage,
Too bad, She belongs to the King,
She looks cold, You ought to provide her with a coat,
Lock her in, Let's get going,
To cage a 12-year-old girl, it's,,, it's unpleasant,
But to deny her a coat is downright cruel,
Oh,,, I'll take that as a compliment,
Jennifer deserves better, don't you think?
Remind me, Miss Strange,
What was it that your friend made his, erm, snow-wish for?
He wished for a bear,
A bear?
Polar or grizzly?
Brown bear or black'? Magic requires precision!
Erm,,, Polar!
One final thing, Mr Brittles,
I've made you into a bear, Sorry,
But now I will make you into a gentleman,
Offer the lady your coat,
Oh, come, come,,,
There we go,
Oh yes,,, Good,
What's going to happen to me?
I am the Great Zambini
and you, Miss Strange, will be my new assistant,
Where are we going?
You'll see, You'll see,
These magical barrier stones,,,
prevent humans from entering the Dragonlands,
What's inside them?
Dragons, Look!
They are the soul of magic, Jennifer,
But they're dying out,
This is my life's work,
We must do something to help them,
Will you assist me in my endeavours, Miss Strange?
Oh good,
Good,
And more of those, thank you,
Welcome to Gazam, an employment agency for sorcerers,
The last of its kind in the Kingdom of Hereford,
I employ two full-time practitioners,
The wizard Moobin and the venerable Lady Mawgon,
They are both rather odd
but then they're wizards, so it's to be expected,
Welcome aboard, Jennifer,
This is a house Moobin, not a ship,
Come on, let's get some tea,
Zambini Towers has been their home and mine for many years,
And now, Jennifer, It will be your home as well,,
Wizidrical power is limited, you see,
We can only use what's available,
So we measure it using this,,,
But magic is waning and work is drying up,
These days, drain cleaner is cheaper than a spell
electricity is all the rage
even magic carpets have been reduced to delivering pizzas,
Powerful wizards who could once control the weather
now scratch a living doing home improvements
plumbing and rewiring, Enchanted gutter cleaning and party tricks,
Yet the magic of the Dragonlands boundary stones
is as strong as ever
and a good thing too
as land is valuable and the kingdom is greedy,
As our indentured orphan
you are to be entrusted with a small creature of your own,
The Quarkbeast,
Fiercely loyal and, well, just fierce,
If you work diligently, study hard
and tolerate an employer who's obsessed by dragons
we hope your time at Gazam will be happy and lasting,
Don't get any closer,
Seven-point-three, - Seven-point-three,
Mm-hmm, - That's low,
There's been no sign of Finklehorn since last winter,
If he's died, that only leaves Maltcassion,
And,,, he's very old,
I wonder if the dragons dying out is causing the decline of magic?
What? - You've become rather clever,
I have some business to attend in town, - Can I come with you?
Not on this occasion, no,
See you at home then,
I'm roasting mutton for dinner,
Mmm! In that case, I shall return with an appetite!
Look for anything that might explain where he's gone!
Look! Look! His favourite shoes are missing!
I think those were on his feet,
Zambini!
Hello? Zambini?
There must be a spell you could do,
Some kind of finding charm?
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
I've never known magic so appallingly weak,
Anything?
Any news at all?
Nothing about Zambini,,,
We have been offered an electrical rewiring job,,,
Oh,,,
I think she's having doubts,
Afternoon, I'm Jennifer Strange,
My husband thinks we should get a normal electrician
but my dad always swore by magical rewirings
so,,, I don't know,
Madam, with due respect
an electrician will carve holes in your walls
dig up your carpets and kick up enough dust to choke your petunias,
A magical rewiring is cost-effective
traditional, clean, and it's all done in an hour!
They seem quite odd,
They're wizards,
If they seemed normal, you'd be asking for your money back,
Alright, Alright then,
Very important that they not be disturbed,
Moobin! Concentrate!
I'm having a vision!
Moobin! - My house!
I'm gonna sue you for every penny you've got!
Jennifer, I saw the last dragon,
He's going to be killed on Sunday,
Your highness! Your highness!
Your humble Seer has received a vision!
I'll have you burnt before breakfast!
Waking me!
If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times -
what are you never to do?
Knock on your bedchamber,
Knock on my bedchamber!
Wake up, lock him in!
Sire, please! Argh!
I had a vision!
Of your own death?! How dare you wake me!
No, No, No, No! A vision of the dragon's death,
What did you say?
Maltcassion, the last dragon, will violate the Dragon Pact,
The Official Dragonslayer will slay Maltcassion
using the sword Exhorbitus at noon on Sunday,
And then the Dragonlands can be claimed!
Yes!
And I might double the size of my own kingdom!
Yes! Might Sire release me now?
And the Dragonlands will be up for grabs!
Yes,
Send for the Official Dragonslayer,
I am so pleased to have pleased you,
You have pleased me, You have pleased me greatly,
So I shall limit myself to just the one coconut,
Normally my visions are about football score predictions,
Oh, but the death of a dragon!
The last dragon,
Zambini would be devastated,
I wouldn't worry too much, Jennifer,
I could be wrong, I usually am,
Oh honestly, Moobin, who has a prophetic vision
in the middle of a job?
Oh! What fresh hell is this?
Help him, Moobin! Help him!
I can't! I can't!
He didn't have time to write anything,
The spell that bound him,,,
You could see it drain him every second he fought it,
What was he trying to tell us?
I just feel so utterly helpless,
It's the death of the dragon, isn't it?
Zambini and I talked about it,
They might take magic with them when they go,
Where,,, where are you going?
If magic dies with the dragon, we'll never get Zambini back,
Yes, but what can you do?
You're a non-magical indentured orphan whose only talent is for tea and toast,
I'm going to stop the Dragonslayer,
We are reporting live
from the historic and almost forgotten Dragonslayer Headquarters
where Sir Grifflon, the King's top knight and popstar
has arrived to summon the kingdom's Official Dragonslayer,
This just hours after a spate of synchronized visions
affected every seer in Hereford
foretelling that the last dragon would be killed
at the hands of the Dragonslayer,
I'm sorry, Sir Grifflon,
The slayer is nowhere to be found,
We've knocked and everything,
Do you want to be the one who informs King Snodd?
We'll keep looking, m'lord,
I'll deal with her,
No, no, no, Got to give something back,
You there!
Name?
Jennifer Strange,
My new film reel is out in October, Tell all of your little friends, yeah?
I don't have any friends,
Yeah, well, just spread the word then,
I'm looking for the Dragonslayer,
Oh, Guilty as charged,
My formal title is His Majesty's Official Dragonslayer
Overseer Of The Dragon Pact,
But you can call me Brian,
Has no one found you back here?
Oh, a very basic distraction charm, nothing special,
Only took me, ooh, 50 years to master,
I'm older than I look,
Sir, You will be aware of the vision that many wizards received,
Oh, about the slaying this Sunday, A very exciting prophecy,
Please don't do it,
I mean, I'm begging you not to slay the dragon,
If the dragon dies and magic ends -
Well, that is a big "if",
I can't let you do it,
I like your spirit,
Let me show you around, Come on, this way,
Now then, here you go,,,
Ooh, mind out,
So,,,
Ta-da!
Copper spikes, Dragons don't like it,
Magical six-cog engine,
Yeah, apart from that, it's in mint condition,
After all, it's never been used,
This is the sword Exhorbitus,
Cuts through anything, even magic,
Yeah, last fella who visited - he was very interested in this,
A sort of wizardish-sounding name,
What was the name?
Oh, the Great Zambini or something,
Yeah, Came six, seven years ago,
Wanted to know all about the Dragonslayer lineage,
What else did Zambini say - - Ah-ah-ah!
All questions will be answered
in this short induction film I made when I first got the job,
With all due respect, I'm only here to stop you,
Take a seat,
Oh, I think he likes you,
But,,, - Shh-shh-shh, Film's starting,
Dragons,
They ate the sheep
stole treasure from our kings and even ate people,
People didn't enjoy that much,
Knights tried their best to slay them
but the more dragons they killed, the more the dragons thrived!
Enter Shandar, the greatest wizard who ever lived,
He met with the King and promised to solve the dragon problem
for 18 wagons of gold,
Shandar met with the dragons
and discovered that they wanted a kingdom all of their own,
And so the dragons and Shandar pooled their magic
and forged the Dragon Pact,
Barrier stones where created
to prevent any humans from entering the dragons' land,
The dragons would remain free to fly beyond the boundary
but if a dragon ever violates the Pact
by harming a human or human property
then the Official Dragonslayer is called to action,
As the only two humans permitted to cross into the Dragonlands
the Dragonslayer and their Assistant must seek out the offending dragon
and slay it!
I just want to add
it took me nearly three years to make this film
so feel free to clap, Yeah,
It's sort of ironic, seeing how you feel about dragons
given you'll be the first of us to actually slay one,
I'm sorry?
Look at the base of the blade, What do you see written there?
That is every Slayer since the role was first created,
What's that one down there at the bottom?
Your name as been on this sword for the last 300 years,
This is a mistake,
Only the Slayer and their Assistant can wield Exhorbitus,
If this was a mistake, you'd be burnt to ashes by now,
This can't be right,
Zambini would have,,,
, said something,
Sorry I couldn't stick around, Jennifer
but after you take Exhorbitus, I'll seriously start to feel my age,
I was 153 at my last birthday,
Oh, and, er, sorry for collapsing into a pile of dust and bones,
There's a dustpan and brush in the utility room, so,,,
That's the sort of thing your Official Assistant could do,
You should get one of those,
Good luck, girlie,
You'll do the right thing when the time comes,
I am not slaying the dragon!
Hello again, you,
You are going to love King Snodd,
Super, super good at ruling,
He just wants a little chinwag, You up for it?
And if I'm not,,,?
You're up for it! Great decision,
Sire!
Ah,,, Jennifer Strange,
Drop some bow-age, Drop some bow-age,
Ah, Jennifer Strange!
Thank you for accepting my invitation,
They stuffed me in the sack,
A forced invitation is still an invitation,
And today is a very special day for me,
For I'm meeting my Official Royal Dragonslayer,
Yes,
May I just say how much I really dig the way everyone is connecting in here?
It feels lifelong,
You know, tight buds, going on their,,,
Yes,
Jennifer, as your King and ruler
I have one request
concerning your slaying of the world's last dragon,
Killing the dragon might end magic,
Magic? Well, magic's fading, No one much misses that,
Now, marketing - that's the new magic,
Imagine two cans of identical fizzy pop,
One sells millions, the other one flops,
And now that's all down to marketing,
And land, well, that's magic too,
And I intend to turn the Dragonlands into shopping precincts and fortresses,
You don't need a wizard for that, Ha!
Wizard,,,
The Pact says if the border stones fall
the Dragonlands can be claimed by anyone,
Yeah, Well, I've got land tanks,
Which pretty much gives me the edge over my loyal subjects,
Now, you are to hire Sir Grifflon as your Official Assistant,
What? Really? Me?
That,,, Gosh, that is,,,
Me? That is a surprise,
But yeah, great!
How about it, princess? Hey?
No, thanks,
There will be no slaying, Your Highest Highness,
You dare to defy your King?
Seize her!
Feed her to the trolls, get her out of here,
And you better like the taste of coconuts!
Sire, Sire, Sire, Sire, Sire,,,
Sire, please, a tiny urgent word?
She is the Dragonslayer,
And without a Slayer to slay it, who knows when a dragon might die'?
Er,,, decades? Longer?
Alright, Whoa!
I was just testing you!
Release her, you idiots! Bring her back
Don't you just love him, Jennifer?
A king-sized sense of humour, Sire,
Jennifer, I'd like to offer you a deal,
Ten thousand gold pieces
your freedom from servitude, by order of the King,,,
I could get you a new,,, er,,, What?
Er,,, a date with Sir Grifflon?
Ah yes, A date with Sir Grifflon,
Yowsa! Love is in the air!
All this for agreeing, for Sir Grifflon to be your Assistant,
I mean, this is the easiest decision you'll ever make,
Take a day or two to think it over, yeah?
It's thinking that rocks,
Don't mind him, He's a bit of a hothead,
He'll be peachy once he calms down,
Come on,
So long, girlfriend,
Gramophones! Cutting-edge gramophones!
Come and take a look!
You've never seen anything like them in your life!
Sorry to swoop on you, Jennifer darling, but,,,
I am in the grip of a rather testing situation,
Do you remember Tiger Prawns?
Hello, Tiger, You haven't changed,
Hello, Jennifer,
It's nice to see you again,
You too, Tiger,
He's been sent back,
Again?
Again,
Third time, actually,
And if I can't get him placed somewhere by nightfall
the King's men will take him,
But the good news is I have found somewhere that will have him,
A television station, no less,
Oh,,, Oh, er,,, Stop,!
Hereford news can now reveal
that the girl who will slay the dragon is a teenage indentured orphan
known by the name of Jennifer Strange,
Come back soon for our exclusive interview with her!
An exclusive television interview is their price?
For taking him, Yes,
Despite him being very, very irritating
I really don't want to lose this one to the Troll Wars,
We both know you'll help him, Jennifer,
You're too kind for your own good,
Testing,,, testing,,,
Everyone alright? Everyone happy?
Yep, - Happy, happy, happy? Great,
Those bags! Were you asleep?
This is a lot of people,
They've started camping along the border,
Everyone wants to be in pole position to claim some land
once the nasty thing's dead,
That "thing" is called Maltcassion,
Yeah, that's nice, right, Sit down,
Okay, everyone, we're on, in five, four, three,,,
Wait! I don't even know what I'm supposed to be,,,
Hermione Twizzle here on the border of the Dragonlands
for a super-special, super-exclusive, little chat
with the girl who's going to kill a dragon on Sunday,
I know the crowd here is crazy to meet her,
It's Jennifer Strange, everybody!
Okay! Settle down, everyone,
Okay, first question, And it's a big one,
What are you going to wear to kill the dragon?
Is it like a really nasty, bulky armour thing
or can you twin your weapons with something cute like a mini-skirt?
Maybe a scarf could really help your sword "pop"?
Look, I want to make this clear,
I'm not going to kill the dragon,
Not unless it violates the Pact, which looks very unlikely,
But Sunday is Slay Day! We've all made costumes,
Yeah!
Everyone should just go home
and stop hoping for the death of the dragon,
It's the soul of magic!
What the hell are you doing?
Give them what they want!
The dragon's a goner!
She's just playing with you,
I am not!
Don't you chicken out!
Killing that dragon's my only chance of getting some land!
I dream of building a pay-by-the-hour car park!
You cow!
Hey, if we kill her, then we get a new Slayer!
Jennifer! - Take Tiger to Zambini Towers!
Tell them he's to replace me!
Moobin! Moobin, where are you? What are you doing?
Look!
What is it?
It's the note that Zambini wrote,
Or rather tried to write,
"My darling Jennifer",,,
He didn't get very far, did he'? - Turn it over,
It's a receipt!
And the date is the day he disappeared,
And quite possibly it's from the last place he visited,
A seeing spell, perhaps?
If we can manage it,
We have to find him, Moobin,
I,,, I don't think the girl can cope without him,
You're not worried about her, are you, Tilly?
Of course not!
I'm a bit worried about her,
Being the Dragonslayer's a lot of pressure
and she's got the whole of the kingdom bullying her into doing the deed,
Yes, and she is not even grown up,
But you're not worried about her? - No!
Now, would you kindly collect all the apparatus we need
and stop being such an appalling ass!
The last Dragonslayer seeks an audience with the last dragon!
I should tell you,,, I'm not here to slay you today,
It's not Sunday yet, is it?
Did you get the vision too'?
Dragons have a talent for visions,
Now, tell me, what brings you here so prematurely?
My employer, the Great Zambini, has been magically trapped,
But I thought, with you being the soul of magic,,,
Please,
I'll give you anything you want if you'll help me,
He was like a father to me,
I'd sooner roast than stop trying,
Bold,
Perhaps ours will be a glorious battle after all,
There will be no battle,
Now, will you help me?
That kind of magic would tax even the most powerful young dragons,
My time is nearly over,
I am old and my magic is weak,
I cannot help,
You will face me on Sunday,
No,
I would never end magic!
If you fail to face me, Dragonslayer
then magic will destroy the kingdom,
Everyone you love will perish,
That is the truth,
Jennifer! Jennifer! I need you!
Now, you get down, you,
Ee, Gods! What have you sent us?
I thought we might need an orphan to tend the house
while I'm the Dragonslayer,
Where's Moobin?
Moobin?
This boy,,, I told him to get tea and gin and biscuits,
And that's what she got,
All mixed up together in a tea cup!
The last of the biscuits! Nearly the end of the gin!
I tried it, Now I'm all spinny,
Tiger, you shouldn't be drinking gin,
It might be the biscuits,
Now,,, who wants to fight or dance?
Well! This creature is a crisis in human form!
I don't care if you are the Dragonslayer
I want a better service than this
otherwise I'm sending both of you back to the orphanage!
Yes, it's a sword, but it's also a nail file and a mascara!
Magic is being very strange,
I'll put Tiger Prawns to bed,
See if you can find a pillow for him,
He's going to have a cracking head in the morning,
And he'll deserve it!
It's been a very, very long day,
Oh,,,
I spent a serious amount of my boyhood
trying to turn this into a self-replenishing biscuit tin,
And now, with magic on the rise again
I thought why not dust off the dream?
Rather foolish of me, I know,
Is there something on your mind, Miss Dragonslayer?
How much of Hereford do you think it'd be okay to destroy
in order to save one person?
That's a wonderful question,
It's one I've asked myself many, many times,
I think I could allow someone to, erm, destroy, say, a fifth of my kingdom
for someone they really loved,
But not the whole thing?
That'd be pushing it a little bit, wouldn't it?
It's nearly midnight,
If we're gonna do a seeing spell, we ought to go,
What?
The thing Zambini dropped was a receipt,
We think we know where he was the day that he disappeared,
You sure this is the right place?
This is the StuffCo branch that was on the receipt,
But it's closed,
Oh! Oh, I can see that with my own eyes!
Bloody stupid observation!
Anyway, that's what a seeing spell is for,
Provided you're standing in the right acre
the spell can show you events from the past,
Sirius in the ascendancy, Tilly,
Focus, Moobin,
Zambini's“ final
before he disappeared,
Oh, there!
Oh, by Shandar, that was quick!
It's not him, Jennifer,
It's just a vision of what once was,
- No, no, no!
Did the spell break?
No, it did not,
So where did he go?
He disappeared, and right on this spot,
And he tried to run,
Trapped, by persons of vast magical power,
In a bloody supermarket, of all places,
Jennifer?
Go back to sleep,
But I need my luggage,
My first night here, I couldn't sleep either,
Because I was used to you and the others all snoring next to me
and it was too quiet here,
But I didn't want to complain, so I just lay here awake,
And in the morning, he saw I was tired
and I think he figured out why
"Jennifer,,,
if you're to live with three old farts
you ought to have something younger to boss around,,,
And then one day, by the border stones, he gave me the Quarkbeast,
And he let him sleep in my room
even though Lady Mawgon called it a travesty of hygiene,
I think I'd always wondered what it was like to have a mum or a dad,
But you don't like to think about that,
But then it was in that first week
I was in the garden with my new Quarkbeast
trying to make him sit
with Zambini standing there laughing at me
and I suddenly realized,,,
Oh,, right,
So this is what it's like,
It's exactly this,
And I burst into tears
and he came over and he picked me up
and he hugged me,
And I just knew that one day when I'd be grown up
and free to leave, I wouldn't want to leave him,
Not ever,
Do you understand?
Just like I love my Polar bear?
Something like that,
Now go back to sleep,
Goodnight, candle,
Can I ask you,,,
Did you only bring me home because my name was on that sword?
Am I just some part of some plan of yours?
Because I thought,,,
I sort of hoped I might be,,,
I can't hear anything!
Please, I can't hear you!
Yes?
You did a rewiring job for my client,
She's suing you for 500 gold pieces,
Suing us?
Send the money to the address in that envelope,
We already have nothing, Now we'll have even less!
Oh, sorry, If I may?
Are you not together? - Oh, no, no, no,
No, far from it,
I'm your new Assistant, Miss Strange,
Do I know you?
Yeah, Erm, we,,,
We were orphans together,
Gordon,
Um,,, G,,, G,,, Gordon,
I was bit older, A bit shy,,,
Erm, I took the liberty of visiting the site of the accident
and I have questions,
Your client had a duty of care to these wizards,
Did she take precautions to shield them from distractions?
My client's home was destroyed,,, - Hmm, I'll assume the answer is no,
Are you 18, Miss Strange?
No, You see, Miss Strange is therefore not old enough
to legally sign a contract
invalidating any contract that your client believes she has with this agency,
Consequently, I cite the 1743 Act of Magical Licensing
indemnifying wizards against casual magical damage,
Finally - this,
I'll give your client one clay to withdraw suit, apologise, indemnify and recant
or I'll sue you!
Hmm!
Um,,, Your new Official Assistant?
Welcome aboard, Gordon! - Ah!
Touche', Well, I'll be at the Dragon Station,
just catching up on the paperwork, Ciao,
I can't pay you,
Oh, I'll just take a cut of the merchandising,
What in the name of Shandar is "merchandising"?
Aha! It's happened! By Shandar!
What is it?!
I think it's a custard cream,
I just waggled me finger, then this lot happened!
Moobin! I do not wish to go to my grave decapitated by a ginger nut!
I can't stop it, The magic's out of control,
Maybe if magic ends it goes out with a bang,
Well, why aren't we all drinking tea, for goodness' sake?!
Can the death of the dragon make magic unstable?
Zambini'd know, wouldn't he? - He would,
We need his notebooks, We need to open his study,
Oh, don't be ridiculous, Nothing will open that door,
We've tried magic, and pliers,
I recently inherited a sword that's extremely good at cutting things,
Oh!
No one's done the accounts in about 300 years,
I'm having a great time,
Well,,, thank you, Gordon, - Oh!
There you are!
Let's see how this handles a lock,
Gordon?
The Slayer must die!
We weren't properly introduced,
I'm Jennifer Strange and this is Gordon,
The wizard Blacklock,
I've been chased by a mob, threatened with royal execution
and now shot at with magical arrows,
I'm not exaggerating when I say it's been a difficult few days,
So give me a compelling reason not to chop your hands off,
You're going to kill the dragon,
The last dragon, That is a terrible crime,
Put your hands out,
If you're gonna take my hands, you'd better take my head as well,
I'd rather die than live in a world without magic,
I've been trying my hardest not to kill the dragon!
But even Maltcassion seems,,,
to want me to show up with a sword this Sunday,
But,,, you're the Dragonslayer,
That's just my job title, It's not my opinion,
My employer loved dragons,
He might have died for them,
So if anyone tries to slay the dragon on Sunday
they're gonna have to get past me first,
You, young lady, are completely wonderful,
I'm so sorry I tried to kill you,
You tried quite hard!
Well, I should have taken you out for a coffee or something first,
Asked you a few questions,
But no, Stupid old Blacklock goes charging in with his bow and arrow,,,
Apology accepted, Oh!
Oh, isn't he lovely?
Hey!
Do you like that? Do you?
What should I do? I want to honour Shandar's Pact,
But,,, - Remember, Shandar forged the Pact
not for justice but for gold,
He may have been a great wizard but he was also a greedy man,
You can't say that about Shandar!
Before the Pact, there were hundreds of dragons,
Now just one remains and he never leaves his own lands,
Something is rotten there,
Be sure to camp out, the perfect spot
so tomorrow you can be in prime position to claim some land!
Tomorrow is Slay Day!
Last chance to grab your "Slay Day is my Pay Day" souvenirs
t-shirts, tankards and pencils!
Roll up for your t-shirts, tankards and pencils,
I have t-shirts in large, extra large and extra, extra, extra large,,,
not that you need it, madam,
Feel free to come and touch my goods,,,
This bottle is human-made,
But this belongs to a dragon,
Jen! Ah, ah, ah!
The Slayerette! - Not now!
I have to check something, - Ah, ah, Dragonslayer!
Dragonslayer, ha-ha!
No, but,,, you are actually under arrest for failing to pay council tax,
Babes, I know!
But the royal accountants say that the rates on this building have never been paid
and as the Official Slayer, you are on the line for that debt,
You owe 2,000 gold pieces,
Let me go! - Babes, babes, Come on,
You get this isn't me, right?
I'm more of a fizzy wine and sunsets kinda guy,
These guys are going to torture you and I hate that,
Just make me your Official Assistant and all this goes away,
Excuse me? Sir Grifflon? Erm,,, We do have the money,
We just need to collect it,
Erm,,, Sword handling is a perk of being the Official Assistant,
- I'm told it's a coveted role, - Yes,
Right,
Thank you, Gordon, Let's get our,,, very many gold pieces,
You won't find fresher in StuffCo!
Sir Grifflon! Oh my God, we love you so much!
Whoa! - Thank you! Thank you!
Oi, Slayer, Trying to not kill that dragon?
Ain't right,
You sorting her out, Sir G? - Oh, everything's peachy, ladies,
Alright, look, into the Wonderbarn, please,
Ah,,, fans!
I love them,
They're all real people to me, you know?
Get lost!
The girl did have a point, though,
You are, you are a born Dragonslayer, Jennifer, not a dragon-hugger, Ha-ha!
Why not drop this ridiculous Charade
about having 2,000 gold pieces
ditch the geek and slay the dragon
with a proper, hotter Assistant, like me,
Or not! That's also fine,
Dragon chili chutney!
Oh, they're expecting us!
And fresh in today
our new range of Jennifer Strange Dragonslayer merchandise,
Exlusive to StuffCo,,, Why is my face,,,?
Trust me on this, I'll explain later,
Oh, Mrs President, hello!
Hello, Gordon,
Here at StuffCo, we are big fans, Jennifer,
There's just so most exciting brand synergy with you and Fizzipop,
I mean, I ask you, what drink could cool you down
after a dragon had blown fire into your face?
Um, Fizzipop?
Exactly! In a can or in a takeaway tankard!
Pop this t-shirt on,
No, no, no, She's fine, she's fine, - Get off!
If you have a better way to raise 2,000 gold, then speak up,
Merchant! Where is the King's gold?
Er - bring the knight his money!
Money! Money!
We have some incredible - yes, incredible - things
for you here at StuffCo today,
One for two on all Dragonslayer fizzy pop,,,
Yes, that's one for two,,,
I trust everything is to your satisfaction, Sir G?
Jennifer, we need worldwide rights for a year
two guest appearances at Fizzipop events
and the t-shirt does need to stay on until the end of Slay Day,
Agreed?
Always a pleasure, Gordon,
Now, time to do some filming!
Tim, you ready? I'd like you to start from here,
The image we're looking for, Jennifer
is you sheltering from the flames behind your shield
enjoying a nice cool can of hawthorn-flavoured Fizzipop,
I'm being attacked by a dragon, but I'm pausing to enjoy a soft drink?
Yeah, not "enjoying" so much as "relishing",
Oh, relishing is very good,
Really savour those bubbles, Miss Strange,
And the line, Miss Strange, is written on the inside of your shield,
Slaying a dragon? First I'll drain my flagon,
A flagon of Fizzipop!
Sold! Somebody get me a can!
Sorry, was,,, was just tying off the paperwork,
Hey, on the upside, you're not being tortured in King Snodd's jail,
You seemed friendly with the StuffCo lady,
Before I took this job with you, I was an indentured orphan there,
Oh no, it's no biggie,
No, it feels like half the kingdom works with them,
Look, the StuffCo President's a good woman,
She looked after me
when she could have just treated me like any other orphan,
It might sound,,, slushy to say it
but she was like a mother to me,
We're lucky, you know,
To have been indentured servants for people who were kind to us,
Zambini treated me like,,,
Well,,, - on,
He loved you,
Tomorrow I'm going to fail him, - No, you won't,
I've tried to find him, I've tried everything,
Something about this situation is off, I can feel it in my gut
but I can't see what to do, I can't see what the right thing,,,
Jennifer!
Jennifer,,
Tomorrow, just stay away from the Dragonlands,
If your instinct is not to kill the dragon, then go with that,
If you think that'd make Zambini proud, then ignore the pressure,
Refuse to go, They can't make you,
I believe in you,
Oh,,, Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have,,, - I'd better go home,
Say my goodbyes before the King cuts my head off,
Yeah,
Well, look, I'll be at Dragonslayer HQ if you need me,
Just fending off bad guys,
Thanks,
I mean,,,
Just thanks, - Oh!
Erm, yeah, I,,,
What the hell is this?
I don't want money!
I want a bigger kingdom
and for that, I'll need a dead dragon!
I know, it was a serious surprise when they paid up,
None of us saw that one boomeranging back in our faces, did we'?
Stocks, - Socks!
The King requires socks!
Bring him the most comfortable socks ever knitted!
Stocks! - What?
For you, Sir Grifflon!
I'm gonna throw coins in your face until I feel better!
Sire! I do actually have - get off!
I do actually have a Plan D
if you just let me lay it out,,,
Right in the face! - Hmm!
He was fixing this,
What is it?
Something he made for my birthday,
I found something Zambini never had -
a piece of a real dragon,
Tiger, the Dragonlands aren't just closed to humans,
The dragons can't leave,
It's their prison,
But if the dragons can't violate the Pact
what's the point in having a Dragonslayer to oversee it?
Why would the dragons help Shandar build their own prison?
We're missing something
something Shandar must have known about the dragons,,,
a secret,
I thought there'd be something in here,
Something that would save him,
It's Slay Day, everybody!
We're counting down until midday
at which time the prophecy says Jennifer Strange
the Official Fizzipop Dragonslayer
will finally get her slay going on!
Who's going to grab that dragon treasure?
Who's going to claim some land?
Magic's gone insane,
I think the world's ending,
Can I get you some tea?
Oh, great,
It's Slay Day,
Either the crowd will lynch me or the King will arrest me,
If they put you in the dungeons can I repaint your room?
I'd like to paint it sunflower yellow,
Oh my Gods, Tiger! Stay still! - Huh?
Shandar's company is StuffCo,
You mean, the people who are sponsoring you?
The company that Gordon was an indentured orphan at,
The company that Zambini visited the day he disappeared,
Oh gods!
Gordon?
Gordon, are you in here?
Gordon, we need to discuss your connection to StuffCo,
Can you come out here, please?
Babes,
Last chance at a deal, curly-fries,
We will offer the entire kingdom resources at your disposal
to find and bring back your old employer, the Great Zambini,
Magic, Money, Soldiers,
The King's own Seer, Me,
All of us at your disposal until he is safely back home,
I want to say yes,
Great decision!
She didn't say yes, though, So pay attention,
I'd do anything to see him again,
But he would never agree to a deal,
So I can't,
I see,
I'm sorry,
Yes, Me too,
Ah ha-ha-ha!
You won't kill me, You need me,
No, no, no, we actually,,, we thought we needed you,
But the literature states that the Sword must be handed to the next in line,
You don't need to be alive for that part, do you?
Arm comes off while you're still holding the sword
I remove the sword from your severed hand
handing-over is thusly technically completed,
Ta-da!
You're crazy, - I don't think so,
You'll burn to pieces,
That is a risk I'm willing to take, given the situation,
I've a lot at stake here,
It's actually been very stressful,
Oi, you, here! Leave my sword!
Tiger! - Jennifer!
Jennifer!
Your little friend is headed off to the Troll Wars,
And you could have had it all,
Get in there,,,
Shut up and fight!
Stop running away then!
Jennifer!
You're gonna regret this, boy,
Jennifer!
This is a big day for me,
I finally get to kill a girl!
Then I'll become the Slayer, kill the dragon
take his treasure, knock King Snodd off his throne
and then boom, back in time for supper,
A King's Supper!
Great, getting in the car,
This is your big plan, is it? Sitting in the car?
No, This is my plan,
Go! Get her!
Jennifer!
Hush, Hush, Hush, - No, you have to listen to me -
No, no, no, you listen to me,
Just stand perfectly still and don't say a word,
You there, crone! Where is the girl?
Oh, sir, I seen her go past the house about two minutes ago,
Heading for the Dragonlands,
You are lucky I don't gut you just for knowing her,
Make for the Dragonlands,
You can breathe again now,
How did you do that?
A glamour,
They didn't even see your car,
Which has ruined my petunias,
Moobin's at the boundary stones,
He thinks the world may end at noon
so I've come back for the last of the gin,
Are all here, hoping to claim free real estate,
The question on everyone's minds is,,, Where is our Dragonslayer?
With one hour to go, the mood here is anxious
as almost the whole kingdom has accumulated
at the Dragonlands border,
If I don't slay it,,,
They'll kill us,
They took Tiger,
But if I do kill the dragon, then magic might end forever and,,,
I don't know what to do!
Oh,,,
There, there,
Oh, hell's teeth,,,
You're afraid of letting him down, aren't you?
Somehow he might come back and think the worse of you,
I'm doing everything wrong,
I know he only gave me a home because I'm the last Dragonslayer,
Did you know?
Let me show you the note he wrote,
It didn't say anything,
Ah, it did and it didn't,
Zambini is a very clever man
and he wrote the most important words first,
You see, he didn't write "do this" or "try that",
He wrote "My darling Jennifer",
Because he wanted you know that he was thinking of you
and that he loves you
and that was the most important message he could send,
Never mind all the original plans,
He loved you,
Didn't have to,
Plenty wouldn't,
But he did,
You really have to believe me,
Jennifer,,
Do what you think is right,
So Gordon, tell us why you're here today,
Er, my boss Jennifer is a coward
so it falls to me, the Slayer's Official Assistant, to kill the dragon,
Oh, erm, big shout-out to my employers at StuffCo
from their new President of Marketing and Spying,
Love you, guys!
Gordon! Gordon! Gordon!
I have to stop him,
What about Tiger?
Leave Tiger to me, He's my property,
And nobody steals from a lady wizard
when she's on the best bloody form of her life,
Ah ha-ha!
Reload!
Fire!
Blacklock!
Hold tight,
Oh,,,
Bolt!
Oh ho-ho!
Like shooting a duck in a barrel, Eh?
Oh, it must be great to work for me,
Come on, we need to,,,
Wait here, I'll find help,
Save magic,
Save the dragon,
It's the Slayer!
Jennifer!
So long, girlfriend,
On, Jennifer!
Gordon,,, I'm coming for you,
Ever seen a troll eat, boy? They eats bones like cows eats grass,
At least they can't possibly smell as bad as you two do,
I'll have a word with the squadron, Send you to the front line,
Stop!
You have my property in that wagon,
I want it back now, this very bloody minute,
Unlock that cage or face the consequences,
Out of my way, old lady,
I am not old!
Thank you, Lady Mawgon,
Rang for my tea this morning, nobody came! So here I am,
What happened to Jennifer?
Gordon,,,
Jennifer?
Shh!
Jennifer, you're running out of rocks to hide behind,
The day Zambini disappeared,
Who did he meet from StuffCo?
Well, the President herself,
The woman you met at the Fizzipop sponsorship,
Why would Shandar's own company try to get rid of a wizard?
Dear old Zambini, far too interested in dragons and their secrets
he came perilously close to guessing how to save them,
But anyway, magic is ending!
Money is where the game is now,
Selling things to people,
And I'm quite the salesman, aren't I'?
"Oh Jennifer, I too was an orphan with a kindly employer,,,"
StuffCo's gold just bought me a villa with a sea view,
Gold also buys copper-plated explodi-tips,
Perfect for killing magical creatures,
Also effective on teenage girls,
When I run, you run,
And if I fall over, you keep going,
No!
Leave him alone!
Time for you to die, Miss Strange,
I'm on a tight schedule here,
Before you die, I ought to thank you,
The day you made me your Apprentice
you gave me the keys to the entire Dragonlands,
'Cause if you weren't my Assistant, you couldn't be here,
Touche',
Gordon,
You're not my Assistant any more,
You're fired, Officially,
What?
No!
Magic is going bonkers at the boundary stones today
with purple flashes of light whizzing out of the Dragonlands,
Purple being the colour that's in vogue this season,
The magic's out of control,
What happens if the dragon lives?
I believe the prognosis is troubling,
Erm,,, the end of Hereford,,, and,,,
Erm,,,
I order this to stop?
The hour has arrived!
You haven't violated the Dragon Pact,
In fact, you can't leave the Dragonlands, can you?
Slay or be slain,
It's your destiny as the Dragonslayer!
The Dragon Pact is a lie and you know it,
You're a prisoner here!
Die then!
Do you want to die?
I want to live,
But there are rules,
You must fulfill your destiny or the world ends,
Magic has become too unstable,
Look at them,
All waiting for you to die just so they can get rich,
Are they worth saving?
No,
Is that what Zambini would say?
If I slay you, and magic ends
I'll never see him again,
That is the nature of great sacrifice,
To give up your dearest desire
for the sake of people to whom you owe very little,
There, Your human property has been damaged,
The Pact is violated,
Now play your part,
I can't not see him again,
It is time,
Fight, or see your world destroyed,
I'm sorry,
Oh, Jennifer,
Wage!
I'm gonna be rich!
- I thought she killed it! - I thought it was dead!
There's a Pact, ain't there? - Yeah!
So they can't hurt us! - No!
Move!
Yar! Like shooting penguins in an ice rink, that was!
Reload, Reload!
We will find her, won't we?
Yes, of course we will!
Don't ask such ridiculous questions,
I'm so sorry,
Whatever for?
I failed him,
I killed the dragon,
Jennifer, There are young dragons flying above the sky in Herefordshire,
Not only alive, but free,
I don't understand,
Whatever you did, it was well done,
Yes, One is almost proud of you,
Maggie's on the up-and-up as well,
And where there's magic there's always hope of bringing Zambini back,
You done well, little one, You done well,
I didn't bring him back, though, did I?
And between us and him is the greatest wizard of all time
in league with the most-powerful supermarket,
I don't feel hopeful,
I'm sorry,
Excuse me,
Where's the Quarkbeast?
Best give her some space,
Ooh, tea, - Oh yes,
Three lumps, please,
I'll give you one,
Sugar's not good for the pancreas,
It's not me doing that,
That's interesting,
Ow!
My darling Jennifer,
There are dragons again,
I know,
I owe them my thanks for seeing you again now,
Quite remarkable,
I know!
Come and look at them, - No, no, no, I mean you, Jennifer,
You see, the night we met
I only really came to seek out the last Dragonslayer,
But soon I found that, quite by accident
I had instead brought home a daughter,
And you really are quite remarkable, Jennifer,
I'm so very, very, very proud of you,
I think dragons are reborn by being slain in combat,
Shandar's border stones kept soldiers away from them
so they started dying from old age instead,
That's an interesting theory,
I think that's why Maltcassion wanted me to fight him, I think,,,
How long do we have?
I'll find a way to bring you home, - No, you mustn't,
These are dangerous and powerful people, Jennifer
and I would rather be lost forever than ever see you come to any harm,
Now will you promise me?
No,
Ahem,,,
Yes?
Mr Grieves would like to discuss 17 new Wonderbarn openings with you,
Let's give him 10 minutes after lunch,
And a Miss Jennifer Strange has requested a meeting with you?
Yes, erm, I think not,
There's a note,
What does it say?
It says,,,
I insist,