♪ Baby, it's so real to me ♪
♪ Now that it's over ♪
♪ The space where you used to be ♪
♪ Your head on my shoulder ♪
Hi! Hi! Hi!
♪ All of the plans we made ♪
♪ That never happened ♪
Just a sec,
♪ Now your scent on my pillow's faded ♪
♪ At least you left me with something ♪
Hold on,
♪ There's this empty space You left behind ♪
♪ Now you're not here with me ♪
♪ I keep digging,,, ♪
Okay, Mike, cut the music, Let's cut the shit,
-Come on,
Hello, everyone! How are you doing?
Hi, I'm so out of breath,
It's so frightening,,,
to be so out of breath,
Um,,, When you meet people, you don't wanna be like,,,
right away,
but,,, I hope you know that it's only because I'm excited to be here,
Hi, how are you? Hi, Hi, Hi, How does everybody feel?
I'm so-- I'm still out of breath, I'm just, like, truly burning time,
I feel like a turtle that just got roller skates
and realized that things can be fast, I'm just like,,,
What if right now is when I got asthma, I mean, that's not,,,
I don't wanna begin that way,
Classic joke:
What if I got asthma?
Goodnight,
I am so, so happy to be here tonight, I really, really am,
I really am happy to be in sort of, like, a female tuxedo
for women who like to move,
-And I will also say
that I'm glad that you paid for your tickets,
but I literally would have paid you to be here,
I would have paid you, um,,,
but I guess you guys all like to watch, you fucking pervs,
Ooh, you pay to watch?
You guys are fucking sick,
Come back to my hotel and help me put on my pajamas after this,
It's a super-tight turtleneck,
I need so much help,
Um,,, I need so much help,
Have you ever seen a woman flirt with 400 people before?
I didn't plan to say this,
but I just wanna mention, isn't it interesting
that there are so many skeletons in here tonight, inside?
Like,,,
isn't it so scary that we're all,,,
that it's just a room filled with skeletons?
Let me-- Isn't it so gross,,,
,,,if you described us that way? That it was a dark room,,,
with red curtains,,,
filled with skeletons that were covered in slippery muscles and blood,,,
,,,enrobed in skin,
Ahh!
When you laugh, your skeleton's like, "Ay ay ay ay ay ay ay ay!"
I am a human, adult, woman
from planet Earth,
uh, which is where we are right now,
I love to be from planet Earth,
I'm super sad that the patriarchy ruined the planet,
Oh, my gosh! What a huge bummer!
Whoopsies! All of the bad men forever, But anyhow,,,
That's also not how I wanted to start,
but,,, it is how everything will finish, just to,,,
,,,leave that there,
It actually is crazy how the government acts just like your worst boyfriend,
Where you're just like, "You did that,"
And it's like, "No, I fucking didn't! You're fucking crazy!"
Then you're like, "I feel so much despair that now I'm silent,"
-Anyway,,,
So let me give you some good facts,
so that we can have an honest relationship, Um,,,
I'm horny, No--
I'm just,,, So sorry,
I dunno, I'm my biggest fan, I guess,
Who gives a shit?
Death will come for all of us,
I'm dressed for it,
Are you all mic'd up?
-And then I get one, too,
We're gonna go in there, They st up the camera,
Welcome to the camera in our childhood home,
These are my sisters,
Big sister, little sister, middle sister,
Um,,,
-We're excited, -Okay,
It's very embarrassing!
I have decided to make a film in our childhood home,
which is my dream and everyone else's,,,
-Nightmare, -Okay,
-I'm excited, -No, we're excited,
-Mom, we're about to start, - All right,
Oh, no! You guys don't have, like, a Netflix,
You really should get it,
I actually had a question about the password that you sent me,
You want me to tell you my password right now?
I'm in Hollywood,
Big time,
Foley rolling, Cell phones off please,
Is this fun?
You know what is funny about this? I'll just say,,,
Is that,,,
as a little girl, I probably didn't know what documentaries were,
but this is what I would imagine, is that the movie comes to your house,
You know what I mean? Like, the movie comes to your house,
It just shows up one day, and they just make a movie about you,
- Yeah, -I was always, like,,,
,,,hoping for it,
-Okay, are we ready to go? - We're ready,
Okay,
I am an actress, and I work in Hollywood,
and everyone likes the women there to look long and lean
and have the physique of Timothée Chalamet,
They want us to still super-wanna have their babies,
but just,,, not be supple,
"Don't bulk up!
"Do not bulk up!"
I love that, It's a fun pressure,
So, before we begin,,,
Interesting to say, "Before we begin,"
and watch an entire theater of people be like,,,
I get super-scared when things seem like
they're gonna last longer than everyone said they would,
I don't know if anyone here is a sucker like me
and does those, like, barre classes,,,
where you're supposed
to, like, sculpt your clit into an ancient arrowhead or whatever,
They're, like, "We're gonna target the small muscles,"
I'm like, "If I knew we were gonna 'target the small muscles,'
I would have stayed home because I super-know how to target,"
I get a bull's-eye every time,
I close my eyes and think of all my friends being like,
"Wait, we can't start without Jenny!"
And then I target, I target,
I target hard,
It'll be, like, you're already doing something that's really hard
for a long amount of time, and then some woman,
who's, you know, way closer to birth than death,,,
just, like, hasn't broken a sweat,
Meanwhile, I smell like a full bison,
and she's like,,, "Okay, let's get started!"
And I'm just like,,,
"I, like, already paid such a major emotional dowry just to be here,"
"I'm preparing for my death," "'Let's get started'?"
But anyway, let's get started,
Let's get start-ed!
Um,,, Okay, I think it's important to start with facts,
Well, first of all, here's a neutral fact, or one that I actually really love,
My name is Jenny Slate,
My name's Jenny Slate,
and if you're looking at me, um, from any angle,
you will notice that I am a Jewish woman,
Got that look,
And I will say,,,
when I was younger, I looked almost exactly like Anne Frank,
And I was incredibly stuck up about it,
And I would walk into any remotely Jewish situation and be like,,,
"I'm still here,"
It's a very cheap thing to do, but I did do it,
But yeah, my name is Jenny,
and it's not Jennifer,
because I am from Boston, and my mom's a titch snobby,
And she was like,
"Well, we couldn't name you Jennifer because everybody would call you Jennifa,"
It's like, "M'kay,"
And it also was just like, w--
It was 1982,
Did you only know two names, Jenny and Jennifa? Like,,,
Obviously, I'm not asking for, like, Kelly,
You know what I mean?
As much as I would love to be named Kelly O'Brien,
I know it's never gonna happen,
I'm just-- I just,,,
I know I'm thinking what you guys are all thinking,
which is,,,
Susan is the most beautiful name that a woman can have,
Everybody knows that,
I just feel that,
because I'm Jenny, which is like a bouncy, nickname-y name,
I have, like, sort of a personality
that's just like, "Sproing-doing! Who cares?
Everybody poops in their pants," It's like, "No they don't,"
No, they don't, No, they don't, No, they don't,
Like, this is how I enter a room, any room, because I'm Jenny,
It's just like this,
This is how it goes,
This is me with authority,
Hi-- Oh, sorry!
Oh! Sorry,,,
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry,
I'm Jenny, I'm Je-- Oh, my God!
Sorry, I'm Jared-- Jerry-- J-Jenny,
It's easy, Sorry, Uh,,,
And then I throw up, you know? It's just, like, so bad,
So bad, It's never good,
I meet anyone, and I'm just sure that they look at me,
and I'm like, "Hi, how are you?"
And they're like, "Oh, my God,"
"God!"
Whereas, if I were Susan,
this is how I would enter a room, I'd be like,,,
"Okay, let's get started,
J, K, We're already done, Get to bed,"
- Yeah,
And then I wouldn't even leave, I'd just be like, "Up, up!"
And I would, like,,, whoosh!
Like, go up through the ceiling,
I'd be going up into the sky, and everyone would watch me,
and they would see up my skirt,
and they'd jerk off with crazy eyes, Like,,,
Jenny,
So the game that Abby and I used to play
was called Dana and Susan, Although, eventually, Stacey joined in,
-Your name was Diane, - Yes,
Dana and Susan were two women
who lived in an apartment building in New York City,
We'd be like, "I'll meet you down in the lobby,"
Yeah, They didn't really have jobs or an actual life that we played out,
-but they were grown-up and successful, -I think my husband had cancer,
and so I had to use a different dishwasher,
-Yeah, That was,,, -Wow,
Well, obviously, we knew nothing about cancer,
but I remember being like, "My husband has cancer,
and so I have to wash his forks in a different dishwasher,"
-Yeah, My,,, Yeah, -Mm-hmm,
Me, as Dana, I had a lot of stress,
-And you still love Susan, -And I love that name, Susan,
-Lives on,
'Cause every time you take a tape, we never watch 'em,
and we have, like, stacks and stacks, and we're not watching them,
so I can act really weird on this, and you'll never show it to anybody,
In case you're like, "What weird,
late-in-life bat mitzvah did I stumble into?"
This is a performance,
But what has happened, unfortunately, is that,,, um,,,
since Y2K, I've just been melting,,,
-I've been melting my brain by pot,
I know a brain is supposed to be like,,,
-Like that,
Like, have mass and volume,
My brain is more like a crepe,,,
,,,that has been rolled by someone who isn't French and is not committed,,,
to the cuisine, and then,,,
And,,,
And then inside of the crepe is just one naked, wiggling worm
that's getting really tired,
and doesn't know how it ended up there in that bad sleeping bag,
and it's just like,
"Oh, mother!"
And then I imagine my brain like the bathhouse in Spirited Away, like,,,
It's, like, a thought comes in or something to discuss,
and it's, like, a token that pops down in front of the worm's face,
and the worm's like,,,
"Modern art! Oh, shit, man!"
And then, in life, I'm like,
"Jackson Pollock put jizz on his paintings,"
"Jackson Pollock, starring Ed Harris, put jizz on paintings,"
And then someone's like, "Get outta the Guggenheim!"
And I'm like, "Gooky-hime? I thought this was the aquarium,"
"You guys fucked yourselves by calling your museum the Gugugugu,"
That museum is fun because you're like,,,
-I went there one time on drugs,
Um,,,
This is my room,
I picked out this wallpaper in fourth grade,
It is Laura Ashley,
Um,,, my mom made the curtains,
Yeah, at the time, my bedroom walls,,,
I had 27 pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio,
And then, of course, all of my speech team trophies,
It's a lot of trophies,
I did speech team very competitively,
I was, um,,,
three-time New England champion, and I think four-time state champion,
Not to be like that, but,,,
The truth is the truth, and I was a champ,
So this is,,, my closet,
and this actually is, kind of, what it was like,
This is Audrey Tautou who played Amélie, and I was obsessed with her and still am,
Um,,, Okay,
And then there's, like, a dream catcher,
I've written in three colors of colored pencil,
that manipulation should be against the law,
Um,,,
And then it names one of the girls that I think was mean to me,
and that she deserves no mercy,
Wow!
Then it seems like I either wrote a poem, like, I quoted a poem or,,,
I have no idea, It says,,, Wow, this is really dramatic,
"The twilight dims, my eyes shine bright,
sing in me strength, for eternity,"
Is that a real poem, or is that, like, a Jenny Slate original?
You're, like, "That's the Bible," Um,,,
So maybe it seems, um,
like I'm someone who's been raised by animals,,,
,,,in a wild place,
and has been given a silken tuxedo,,,
in order to enter society, just this eve,
But I actually do have a family, and I know them,
And they talk to me, and they like me, They're super-nice,
My family all lives in Massachusetts,
My parents are two of my best friends, Their names are Nancy and Ron,
Can you guys, um,,,
Well, tell me how you met,
-He wanted my sandwiches, - He what?
He wanted the sandwiches that I had for lunch,
Say more about that,
So, we--
We had to bring our lunch or buy lunch, The cafeteria food was terrible,
So, there was a very good delicatessen where I lived,
and they had spiced beef and coleslaw,
-He,,, He wanted your spiced beef?
Not exactly put that way, Jen,
but yes, he asked me to have part of my lunch,
I am lucky enough to have two grandmothers,
One of them is named Rochelle, and she is a Turkish/sort of Cuban,,,
um,,, French lady,
And she answers the phone all the time exactly like this,
"Hello-aye-oh-aye-oh-aye-oh!"
Oh,,, What's his name?
He was a,,, um,,,
-scientist, -Uh-huh,
You know, with white hair, and a little cuckoo,
What's his name?
Albert Einstein?
Albert Einstein,
Sorry, So five years ago, Albert Einstein--
Five years ago,
he went to, uh, his laboratory,,,
-Hmm, -,,,where all his scientists were,
and he said,
"Gentlemen,,,"
No, Nana, No,
-Albert Einstein is way dead, -"Gentlemen,,,"
It's not right,
All she eats is stinky, little fishes and mustard,
I'm obsessed with her,
And then my other grandmother is named Nana Connie,
which is obviously the cutest name in the entire world, um,,,
-and she is 41 pounds,
She has the physique of a little cocktail shrimp
with, um, non-threatening eagle talons
that are painted red,
and then she has, like, a Nancy Reagan head,
and she answers the phone like this,,, "'Ello,"
My Nana Connie's voice is like diamonds being rolled around in the dust,
She calls me very often,
and she always says the same thing, and it goes like this,,,
"You are gorgeous,"
"And it's not just that you're gorgeous,
It's not just that you're smart,
It's that's you're good,"
Aw!
Suck on that, dick-heads! Fuck you! J,K,
My nana's a nice person,
You're terrific, Jenny, You really are,
- You're terrific, - We all love you,
-And I can't wait to see the next movie,
-Well,,, -It's coming out soon, I hope,
I have no idea,
Yes, yes,
-That's the way my life goes, -No,
The last one could have been the last one, We'll never know,
No, no, you're in one now that,,,
um,,, some of my friends have already seen it,
You shouldn't go see that one,
No? You don't think so?
No, I mean, I get eaten by an alien,
-so, it's not the best one for you, -Yeah, I know, but,,,
-I wasn't going to tell the surprise,
-I knew the surprise, -You already found out the surprise,
Nana Connie is incredibly,,,
incredibly tidy,
Like, I don't wanna disturb this, but,,,
she's had this sweater for my entire life,
And this whole closet smells like powder, and,,,
the perfume that is called Shalimar,
Oscar de la Renta, Okay,
Nana Connie's not sleepin' in bullshit,
I mean, this was only worn once,
It was my Aunt Barbara's bridesmaid's dress at my mom's wedding,
Of course, it has a,,, turtleneck,
And my mother was married in a turtleneck as well,
and I am a turtleneck,
I'm a turtleneck as a person,
What I want to do is try on some of the dresses,
If I could do that hook,
but I can't,
-It looks good, -But it is comfortable, but,,,
It looks good, It looks great,
What do you think?
It's tight, though, It's tight,
Have you seen her in this dress?
What do you think, Nan?
You look great,
- Come in, - You look beautiful,
-It fits you perfectly, It's yours, Okay,
I am,,, an optimist, I really am,
I'm a relentless optimist, and, like, I am such a foolish optimist
that sometimes it's hard for me to go to bed at night,
because I'm so excited for the new day,
Like, I,,,
I was getting ready to come here to do this, with you guys,
and I got into my bed, and I was like, "Okay, time to go to bed,"
"All right, shut your eyes,"
I just did that all night until dawn,
and I was like, "I'm exhausted!"
I am an optimist, but I will say,,,
And I am not the first person to say it,
That while the Jewish culture is,,, It's very beautiful,
Um,,, Very beautiful,
I'm just gonna pick my wedgie super-quick,
By "my wedgie," I mean a whole blouse and entire trousers are in my ass crack,
Which I had waxed yesterday, so it's just, like, super-intense,
We're real close tonight, guys, Closer than you think,
but back to Jewish culture,
Sorry, I don't know how I bridge the gap between my asshole,,,
Oh, my God!
I'm gonna get so many emails, It's such a bummer,
We can edit this,
But I recently went to a midnight Catholic mass,
First of all, midnight! Way to go!
Jewish people are like, "It's sundown, You'd better stay inside!
Be careful!"
Went to this midnight mass,
Walked into the church,
which first of all was, to me, was like a miracle,
I thought that a doily that was also a spiderweb would come down,
and be like, "Not you!"
And I'd be like, "I know, Sorry, Peace,
'Scuse me, Sorry, I don't know what I was thinking,"
But, you know, the synagogue that I went to when I was a kid
looked like a Chinese restaurant from the '70s, without windows,
and it was, like, such a bummer,
And I went into this place, and I was like, "Holy shit!
Like, churches are just beautiful, little castles for God,
Like, this is gorgeous,"
But everyone in there was dressed in red and green,
and then, the guys came out, The priests,
And they had the incense, and they were like,
"Whoa! Yeah!"
Everyone's dressed up, and they sing the songs,
and weirdly, I knew some of the songs, 'cause they're, like, in our culture,
But even when I didn't really know the words, I could still be like,,,
And everyone was like, "Yeah!"
Just, like, the best mood, The Christians are in the best moods,
And I just was like, "Aw, man, this is so annoying!
Like, their God got killed as a hunk, and they're not even upset,"
And he's like, "No, I don't want to stress you out,
Don't worry about it, Like, my body's a cracker,"
"Drink my blood, It's wine, Like, this is a party,"
Like,,,
I just felt so short-changed, and like,,,
Like,,, Like, the Christmas songs, and thinking about it,
They're all just like,
"Jingle jangle! Everybody gets a present!
Like, Santa comes down, but he never catches on fire,
We don't know how it happens, Everything's fine,
We never worry, That's not in our culture," Like,,,
And the Jewish songs,
the happy songs that you sing
before you open your Barbie van or whatever you're lucky enough to get,,,
I got the Barbie van,
Uh, like, those songs are just like,,,
♪ They tried to kill us in the past ♪
♪ They're gonna do it again ♪
♪ Rest for just a moment ♪
♪ There's only one drop of oil for a million people ♪
It's like, "Fuck!"
- Watch out everybody, -Are we making a photo?
Do you remember when I got kicked out on Hanukkah?
- On the back porch? - Yeah,
Oh, yeah, I don't actually remember what lead up to that,
-but I do remember the door-- -She was out,
Jenny is on the porch,
-I did something that made Mom furious, - Which I don't remember,
She kicked me out of the house, She put me on the back porch,
I could see you guys through the window,
At the time, there was a window that was eye-level into the kitchen,
-Yep, and I could see you, -Oh!
And she was like, "Get out!"
And I was on the back porch, And I was out there for like--
-Which seemed like for hours, -Truly,
But, of course, it was only minutes,
But I remember feeling exceptionally nervous,
Oh, my God, I was so, so scared,
And I heard, like, a,,, Like a twig snap in the woods,
And I was like,,,
Just, like, hammering the doorbell,
I was like, "Ding-dong, Ding ding ding!"
And I opened the door,
and Mom opened the door, and she just goes, "What?"
-And I was like, "I heard a noise,"
And she goes, "You bet you did,"
Ripped me back inside, I was like,,,
-I was always in trouble, God, - Mmm-hm,
-Boo boo boo boo! -Get off me, Jenny! Jenny,,,
Will you talk a little bit about what is scary about the house?
-I mean, it's completely haunted, -Yeah,
That we're not the only ones that live here,
Well, I don't know if you can tell
by the fact that my entire personality is basically like,,,
Wait, Wha--
Ah! No, it is--
Um,,, I was raised in a haunted house,
I was raised in a haunted house,
So scary in there, Totally scary,
My parents are about to sell the house, and my sisters are like, "Oh, no!"
And I'm like, "Hmm, you know what? I'm good,"
Super-scared of it,
When my parents bought the house,
the couple that had lived in the house had both died there,
It was filled with their possessions,
Also, other people before them had also perished,
"Layers of deaths" is what the realtor was saying and,,,
"Lots of light, Layers of deaths,"
I'm not talking about a house that's like,
"Brr! Ooh, scary vibe!
Maybe my girlfriends and I will get a couple bottles of rosé,
and bring a Tarot deck, and see what happens," Like,,,
No, I am talking about a house that's, like, pumping with apparitions,
like, truly teaming with ghosts, dead people that are like,
"I have a message, and I want to send it, and I'm sending it now,"
Like, it's the scariest fucking place in the world, no holds barred,
These ghosts are happening,
It's, like, my mom looks into a mirror and sees someone else's face,
but she just is like, "All right,"
All right, all right,"
Or my sister is eating tuna salad at the breakfast table,
and sees a lady just walk out of a room down the hall
and float into the chandelier, just like,,,
You walk into the laundry room in the middle of the day,
and there's a young boy there in short pants
with, like, blood on his abdomen, being like,,,
"Did I miss the picnic, Nanny?"
"Have they served the ice cream?"
One night, I came down from my room,,,
and I saw what appeared to be a shape,,,
kinda floating up the stairs,
And it looked to me in the shape of a man,
As if he were wearing a large, dark coat,
And soon after that, um,,,
-we took the the runner off the stairs,,, - Uh-huh,
,,,and there was a packet of letters that we found under there,
And they were written from a man to a woman,
from a man who was traveling and who would write these letters to her,
And so, since they were tucked under the rug, um,,,
we immediately assumed that they were letters that had been hidden,
So, everybody got very freaked out,
Yeah,
So I, um,,,
I lit a fire in the fireplace, and we burnt them up,
This experience that you had
defines how Abby, and Stacey, and I have experienced this entire,,, place,
And I don't like going to bed here,
If that's the case, if that's the way it is,
then parents should be really careful
about what they tell their kids about ghosts,
Yeah!
Obviously! I mean--
I never thought to hide the story,
because I don't think I really understood,,, the impact,
That's what's really funny, though, is that
if you had never told us, I wonder how we would be different,
And I started to think what would I be like
if I just was one of those people that grew up in a house without ghosts?
The thing about bad dreams in our house,
it's, like, you better be sure,,,
that that dream is so scary that you will die from the fear,
because waking my mom up will put you into cardiac arrest,
She's like,,, You know how assassins,,,
like, if you wake them up, their deep training kicks in?
Even if you're their dear wife or their beloved mother,
and you wake them up, they're like,,,
Like, rip your dick off, and your head is ruined or whatever,
Like, it's just,,,
My mom has deep training for disaster, and, like,,,
So, it was just like, I don't wanna startle her, you know?
I don't wanna spook her, but I remember being like, "Okay,,,,
the dream I just had was so scary,
I'm having pain in my body from fear,
It's like the pain that an old woman would have right before death,
but I'm young, so this is bad,"
And I'm just like,,, "Okay, I've just gotta wake 'em up,"
I would get into the hall,
which is the scariest place in the United States of America,
And get into the hall and be like,,,
Get halfway, I'm totally comfortable with the stream of piss,,,
that's just, like, flowing down my leg,
I'm like,,, "Maybe I should turn back,"
and, like, turn around,
and it's just a sea of Edith Wharton, Emily Dickinson people that are like,,,
"Come dance with us little girl,
Come waltz in eternity, Do you like books?"
And I'm like, "No, I don't wanna talk about books,
I like books, Don't tempt me!"
Going into my parents' room, which is, like,
flowing with mists,
And it's like,,,
Enter in,
Their bed, literally, is like a canopy bed
that looks like a coffin with a bride's veil on it,
It's, like, the most intense bed you could ask for,
My mom is there, sleeping like an ancient mummy,
She's like,,,
She's wearing a floor-length, heavy-duty, flannel nightgown,
The turtleneck with a padlock on it,
My dad is, like, 100% nude on top of the covers
wearing only a CPAP machine,
They're gonna sue me,
They will sue! Um,,,
And I'd be sitting there and be like,
"I'm just gonna scream, 'Mom,' and even though her name's Nancy,
she'll know!"
I'd be like,,, "Mom,"
at which point my mom would be like,,,
And I'd be like,,, And my dad would be like,,,
He'd get up from the bed, totally naked, being like,,,
And I'd be like,,,
My mom would be like,,,
And I'd be like,,,
I'd fly across the hall with the force of her scream,
My pajamas would fly off,
Like, hit my bedroom wall,
Let out one long, like,,,
,,,crazy fart,
'cause we had Boboli for dinner, and I didn't take my Lactaid,
You guys remember Boboli?
Oh, brother!
Yeah, um, in case you can't tell from me saying, "Lactaid,"
I was a dork,
Super-huge dork, um,,,
and I was either disregarded or really, really disliked
for reasons that I could not understand, because I was cool at camp,
So it was like, "I don't understand what's going on here,"
-Zip, Zop, -Zap,
And to make matters worse,
I didn't hit puberty until I was 16 and a half,
Truly was, like, four-seven until midway through my sophomore year,
and,,, but, like, I did have crazy-ripe pits
and, like, a super-strong bush,
And, of course, was born with the horniness
of a 57-year-old divorcée,
who is like, "Mama loves to fuck, Who's up? Tick-tock, Romeos, Let's go,
Let's go!"
"Line up!"
It says, "This is a box of things that make me mad,
Things that make me really,,," Underlined,
",,,mad or just sort of mad are also in it,
I'm making it so that I can get my thoughts out,
and so I'm honest,
I think it's okay if this box gets filled up,
I think it's okay to be pissed off,
If you are not Jenny Slate, and you are reading this, you suck,
and should close this box,
Thank you,
This box is for me, I think it is good,"
My first sex dream was in first grade, and it was me and a boy,
and we were in a washing machine, and we were going around,
Gorgeous, erotic,,, creative,
I love myself,
"Crying about boys,"
"Being underappreciated by someone like Mike,"
Okay, Mike,
I have no idea who that is,
"Fucking bullshit about next year! Please, don't test me,"
"Bullshit," Also, "Bullshit,"
I'm so pissed about bullshit as a young woman,
that I'm horrified every other day,
"Trevor,"
I was so, just like, always ready,
and anything would give me a tiny, weird, teen orgasm,
Like, I would see a mountain in a science book, and be like,,,
"That looks like something"
Who was Trevor?
Trevor was in my, um,,, a cappella group,
And he made me a mix,
and he was, like, my boyfriend for a second,
and he did, He made me mad,
So hard, so difficult
to be that filled with energy and have nowhere to put it,
Except for, truly,
in the face of an upside-down teddy bear four times a day,
Never said that out loud before,
Well, I've said it to special people but never to, like, a theater,
I was mad that I treat myself like shit constantly,
That one hasn't really subsided,
I mean, it has,
That, "All I want is to be cared about," Like, there's a lot of loneliness,
"That I would really do anything for Trevor,"
'Kay,
I think there's something that happens when you're bullied in school,
or you're ignored, or you're just like,,,
Like, it just was not great for me,
That it's either you keep your head down, and you're like, "Uh!
I'll just wait until I can go to college," Or you're just like,
"Actually, I'm taking this one back,"
which is totally unwise,
And I remember getting the CrazySexyCool CD by TLC,
And getting these sort of,,, Being like,
"Well, if I can't have friends, I'll be friends with TLC,
and dress like them, and go to school like that tomorrow,"
Like, "Ooh, immediate plan: really pull back," But I didn't,
Um, and I bought these black corduroy overalls and, like,,,
You know those '90s, knit, hip-hop hats
that sort of look like condoms that rolled?
I was like, "This oughta do the trick, I'm a tiny Jew,"
Just, like, appropriate this culture that is not mine, Um,,,
And went into school and was just like,,,
"I like myself as I am," or whatever,
which is just,,, ,,,wonderful,
And I remember, you know,,,
I ate my lunch in the bathroom a lot during middle school
'cause I was, like, "You know what? I'm gonna opt out,
It's been bad,"
But I remember having my overalls, and I was in the cafeteria,
which was seventh graders through seniors,
and I was holding a tray that day,
and I remember walking with it, and, like, stopping,
and there was a senior boy in front of me, and he took me in, and I,,,
Whatever it was, my presence did something to him
that made him so furious,
and he just looked down on me and was like,,,
"Why do you look like a fucking baby?"
Really intense,
Jock culture is really interesting,
Isn't it?
I think that, like,,, I mean,,,
I'm happy for the men
that they can have sort of ways to blow off some steam,
Like, I think it's so sweet how they have their sports,
I think that's so darling,
How they have their football teams, I think that's funny,
That's so sweet,
And I love football because I don't like to watch it at all,
but I love to imagine things about it,
And what I like to imagine is that
all of the men have decided to be on a team, of course,
because they're best friends,
And they love to be best friends, and that's why they wear the same outfit,
and get together on a strict schedule
to put on the same outfit and then go rush after the toy,
Oh, my goodness! How darling!
Um, and I like to imagine them in their locker rooms
where they keep their underclothes,
And they're standing in there, and it's, like,,,
Tom Brady,
and he's standing there next to Gronk, and they're holding hands
'cause they're super nervous,
So nervous about their game,
and then Tom looks at Gronk, and he's like, "Gronk,,,
if I get the toy, I'll give it to you,"
And then Gronk looks at him, and he's like,
"You're my best friend, Tom,
Good luck today,"
And then Tom's like, "Thank you so much,"
So sweet, so darling,
And then they all go out there on the lawn,
and they rush after the toy, and then they fall down in a big pile,
and I think it's very, very important
that also they put their,,, tender, little penises and balls into cups,
Because it would be very, very bad
if something were to happen to their penises and balls
while they were playing their game,
Haven't figured out how to make their hats work as well,
but just as long as their penises and balls are safe,
All those tender penises and balls,,,
when they get bumped, it really hurts,
I get such bad stage fright,
And it's not fake humility,
I've tried to get hypnotized for it,
It ruins my day, It fucks my body up, I get crazy diarrhea,
I was sitting backstage, and,,,
my friend was like, "What's the deal?
Like, do you really believe that you're not funny?"
And I was like, "No, it's not that I think I'm not funny,
It's that right before I go on stage,
I am, like, presented with this,,,
essential question,
which is, like,,,
Will they,,, Will they,,, like me?"
And I know that they will once I start to talk,
But,,, I don't earn the love
unless I give something beautiful that goes out,
So, my stage fright comes from a deeper thing of, like,,,
of exchange,
The worst thing,,,
other than a white man saying, "Just be confident!"
Unless he's saying it to another white man who can get it done,
Um, is,,,
Is, like, "Just be yourself!"
'Cause I'm like, "Oh, okay,
You should see how many selves there are in my psyche,
'cause some of them are fucking murderers, and they're trying to kill me,"
I'm surviving them and living with them, you know?
And I'm just like,,,
I am so sure,,,
Like, okay, it feels bad now, but when I get up there,,,
I'll be filled with joy,
And the thing that I'm the most scared of about tonight,
is that, after all of these people getting here,
and doing all this shit, and helping me,
that I will deny myself the moment to have fun,
And I'm so angry at myself that that might happen,
that I'm probably gonna make it happen,
and I don't feel good right now,
And I just have a few hours,
Maybe I will have a drink,
I will, I will have a drink,
I don't have alcoholism, I just, you know,,,
Trying not to drink that much,
So, are you getting to the point now
where you can make a joke about your divorce?
I'm starting,
I'm divorced,
-I'm divorced,
Thank you, I mean, you can kind of cheer for it,
I don't know how I feel about that,
I mean, I'd never wanna do anything-- I'd never make jokes about,,,
my actual ex-husband, who's obviously a lovely, precious person,
but,,, I am starting to make jokes about myself,
Every time I get to the point where I'm gonna say it, I get scared,
"Maybe I should just go to sleep on stage and wait till everyone leaves,"
Maybe if I just went down onto the rug
and started to snore really loud, everyone would be like,,,
"Is she out?"
I would like to do some material about just, like,,,
what it looks like to try to act normally when you're just not normal,
like, when you're just screaming inside of yourself all the time,
and you're just trying to pick out a shirt or look at a menu,
and you're just looking at coq au vert or whatever,
and inside, you're like, "I eat shit!
I just, like-- "I eat shit,
I'm trying to find shit on this menu, 'cause I eat shit, and I live in garbage,"
I don't know,
Clearly, it's not funny yet 'cause you're not even laughing at all,
Even though I live in a world where lots of people get divorced,,,
It's modern times, It's not like,,, like,,,
Lots of people get divorced, but I felt like, because I got divorced,
suddenly, there was this weird governess over my shoulder all the time
being, like,,, "Uh-uh-uh! You're bad," or whatever,
I felt like every time I would say, "I'm divorced,"
it just came out like, "I was in a volcano accident,
I'm the only person it's ever happened to,
I was in a mall, and suddenly, a volcano happened,
It was very shocking,
I'm broken now,
and if you mention, like, mountains, or inclines, or declines,
I'm just gonna freak out,,,
and the force of my sadness is going to ruin your life, plus mine,"
Like, I just didn't feel like there was,,,
I felt like I was so sad
that there was not a place for me to be in the world,
and that my behavior was so shocking and abnormal to everyone,
and I had crazy anxiety for a really, really long time,
And I, um,,,
When you have really bad anxiety, people will suggest, "Just workout,
Just lift something up, okay?"
I'll lift something up,
"Lift something up," and I was like, "Okay, I'll just workout,"
but I never stopped smoking weed,
I was like, "I'll just keep smoking weed while working out,"
and I got more and more anxious,
and working out more and more, and being like, "Why isn't it working?"
And smoking huge hits of weed, and then going to the gym,
and huffing and puffing, and lifting my two-pounders,
And just being like, "What the fuck? Why am I lifting these two-pounders?
Why am I even trying to change my body at all?
My body is beautiful, Like, I hate this industry that I work in,
They're trying to make my body look like the body of Billy Elliot or something,
and just fuck them for trying to fuck with my holy life cycle,
and patriarchy is fucking with me so hard that I feel it in my spirit,
My spirit lives in my pussy, and my pussy hurts so badly,
This gym is hurting my fucking pussy!"
And then it was like, "Why does my pussy hurt so much?"
And then it was like,
"Oh, my God! I'm on drugs, and my thong's on backwards,"
Yeah,
It's like, "Why are you on drugs for the gym?
Why are you on drugs all the time? What are you doing?"
And I suddenly was like,
"Hmm, I'm thirty-mm years old,
I, like, constantly call the refrigerator the computer,
I have no idea what's going on,
I'm gonna try to see what happens when I don't smoke weed
and, like, what my personality even is,"
And,,, um,,,
I will say,,,
that for me,,,
it was very bizarre timing to,
for the first time in my adulthood, literally, to have a clear mind,
and be single, and lonely,
and hoping for a new partner
right when the Me Too Movement dropped,
Just doesn't give you the best attitude about connecting with guys
when you're just like, "Wow, a lot of you have been really doing disgusting stuff,
and the rest of you were sort of complicit in this ancient, heinous thing,"
And I would show up to a "coffee date,"
because I'm afraid to meet anyone after dark
and be like, "Do you know?
Do you get it?"
Really, a guy would come up to me,
and be just nice and innocuous, and say something like,
"Hey, I'm Trevor," And you're just like,
"Hey, Trevor, Do you think I'm a fucking sucker?"
"Go sniff around someone else's stall, you bitch!"
Not great,
Not great, Um,,,
Finally, my friends were like, "You need to go on a date,
We can't hear about how lonely you are anymore,
It's such a bummer, Just meet someone,"
So I got set up on a blind date, and,,,
I'm gonna keep this short because I haven't gotten to enough therapy
to really talk about this without freaking out,
Um, but I went on a blind date with a man who showed up--
And I'm not exaggerating, I'm not exaggerating,
I know that comedy benefits from hyperbole,
but this fellow showed up in a full suit of armor,
Chain mail, coin purse,
a tunic that apparently,,, He corrected me, It was called a tabard,
Like, it was,,, legitimately a nightmare, and--
No pun intended, And, um,,,
Like, I don't know if it was supposed to be a joke or like,,,
The most annoying thing you have to do, as a woman, is to try to fucking decipher
why some asshole made some shitty decision that you're involved in,
It's like, "No thanks,
I'm actually not interested in why you thought this was the move,
I'd rather get any operation right now than think about this,"
And I had to,,, And I sat across from him
and was just filled with this--
I was just like, "Is this my option?
This is the one date I go on, and it's this?
It's this, It's this guy who like can't sit still in his seat
because his chain mail's digging into the back of his thighs,
This is, like, insane,"
So bad,
and not to mention that someone came up during the meal
and was like, "Hey, I really love your show, Broad City,"
And then I betrayed these beautiful women in my community
by being like, "Yeah, I'm them, I'm either one,
That's right, I'm those women, I'm both, It doesn't matter,
I'm them, They're here with this fucking chode, not me,"
So hard, So obviously, after that,
I moved directly back to my parents' house,
Because you do know when your life is over, You can smell it,
It's just like that part in Beauty and the Beast
when, um,,, you know, the beast is just despondent,
and the townspeople are trying to kill him,
and he's like,,, "Let them come,"
That's how I felt, I was just like, "Let it happen,
Let it happen,"
I'll actually always come back here
after a breakup and,,, um,,,
In general, I've always been really, really afraid to be alone,
and of what that means about me and my worth and,,,
I think recently I've really understood the difference between,,,
solitude and abandonment,
Do you think of yourselves as people who are lucky in love?
-Mm-hmm, -Mm-hmm,
-Yeah, -Wow,
At last,
Took a while,
Yeah,
But you've wound up lucky,
-Yeah, -Yeah,
Why do you think that I am so concerned
with love, and romance, and having a boyfriend or a husband?
Well, I think, our family, we have a lot of things
that most people would consider antiques, that we actually used,
So, we have a jukebox that played music from, like, the '30s,
We're kind of,,,
I don't wanna say in a time warp, but,,,
we just have a romantic idea of certain things,
So you think it's, like, romance built-in?
I think it's kind of,
Kind of, the idea was: This is,,,
In a perfect world, this is what can happen,
Do you think I have another chance?
-Yes, -Yeah,
-So, you hope for love for me, -Absolutely,
You know, keep on asking questions,
That's the only way,
-Well, you know what you always say? -Yeah,
-You have to have a sense of humor, -Yeah,
That's right,
-I'll keep on asking questions, -Yeah,
I am the only one in my family that is divorced,
Like, even in my cousins,
there's just not a lot of people that have been divorced,
I'm looking around,
My parents have been together since high school,
My older sister married her high school sweetheart,
My little sister has recently married
a lovely, beautiful, handsome, blond man named Johannes,
I'm like,,,
Sitting there, being like, "How the fuck did this happen,
that I'm the single, middle sister with, like, a triangle perm?
Like, this is legit crazy,"
And I was just like,
"Know what? I'm just gonna be everyone's weird aunt,
I'm gonna dress monochromatically,
I'm gonna start to hangout with the elderly community,,,
and be the nice young woman that everyone's like,
'Did you hear the tragedy about her?'
And ride that, I guess, Just ride on that sympathy
and just jerk off in my parents' house, I guess,"
Masturbate in there, which,,,
You know, this plan was good, Required no change in my schedule,
And I was like, "Cool, Um,,, Maybe I'll get into porn,"
And I started to try to watch porn,
It made me very upset,
I don't like what they do,
I mean, obviously, I typed, like, "sex" into the Internet,
Like, I don't,,,
I'm sure there's cool, feminist porn, with nice lighting
that would be great for me,
but I typed in, like, "blow job" or whatever,
And it wasn't actually that I was like, "This is degrading!"
It was that it was just some lady with impossible implants,
painted orange, being like,
"Now I'm gonna suck your dick,"
And I was like, "Yeah, no, duh,
I clicked on this 'cause it says, 'Lexi sucks big dick' or whatever,
Show, Don't tell, This is a bad movie,"
Not to be a cinephile, but these lines are bad,
You guys are bad at acting, believe me,
And then I was like,
"Well, maybe I could dip into some of my disgusting fantasies,
like my boss who needs to take a lot of Lipitor is like,
"Hey, Slate, get in here and sit on my dick,
Otherwise, you're fired," Then I'd turn on the news, and it's like,
"Another boss said, 'Sit on my dick, or you're fired,'"
And I was, like, "Ugh!
Can't go to that anymore,"
And I just was like, "I cannot believe this is my life,
I'm alone, I'm in my parents' house,
and I don't even know what to masturbate to anymore,
because my life is empty of dates,
and my world is filled with predators and fools,
Like, this fucking sucks,,, so much!"
And then,,, And I'm gonna tell you the story,
and then you can call the police, or leave, or whatever you wanna do,
I was, like,,,
in the bed at my parents' house, which I can't say enough,
And sort of turned my head because I was ready to pass away,
And I looked out the window,
and it was just this, like, astounding,,,
full moon,
And I was like,,, I felt shy a little bit,
But I was like,
"What's your name?"
The Moon was, like, "What's up? I'm the Full Moon, girl,"
And I was like, "Uh-huh,"
And then, I was like, "You know what? I've got nothing left,"
I straight-up just steeled myself, took a deep breath,
clamped one hand on a nip,
and just, like, electrocuted my clit with this vibrator
while staring at the Moon, I was just like, "We will see,"
And had,,,
the hugest,,,
scariest,,,
orgasm of my life,,,
where I was just like,,,
"Moon!"
And I just wanna say,,,
before we all go to bed,,,
-that either--
Thanks, truly, Starting to cry
That this is what I did,
My name is Jenny, I'm thirty-mm years old,
And this is what I had to do,
and I did it,
and it either means that my life is over,,,
and I'm just gonna jerk off in my parents' house
until they sell it later this month,
At which point, I will turn my pussy into a museum,,,
with a major alarm system,
Or,,,
And I think it's this,
I have made love to the Moon,
And I've opened a portal to Jew love
'cause look at us all here tonight!
I think we're doing it! I think it's happening!
Thank you very much for being here, and listening to me,
and being with me, and I really appreciated it,
This is a dream come true,
I really mean that,
Thank you so much,
Goodnight, new friends,
Bye,
♪ When I walk up Main Street ♪
♪ It isn't the same street ♪
♪ To me it's a haunted avenue ♪
♪ The crowded ballroom ♪
♪ Seems empty and blue ♪
♪ This town's a ghost town ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ What memories I find in ♪
♪ The cafe we dined in ♪
♪ The sound of our laughter ♪
♪ Lingers on ♪
♪ This was a gay town ♪
♪ From dusk until dawn ♪
♪ Now it's a ghost town ♪
♪ Since you've gone ♪
♪ Sweetheart, your face is ♪
♪ In all these places ♪
♪ And my heart embraces ♪
♪ Each vision of you ♪
♪ If only we'd make up ♪
♪ These shadows would break up ♪
♪ And I'd see the sun come Shining through ♪
♪ So, darling, come back ♪
♪ I need you, I do ♪
♪ Cause it's a ghost town ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ I'll walk up Main Street ♪
♪ It isn't the same street ♪
♪ It's a haunted avenue ♪
♪ So, darling, come back ♪
♪ I need you, I do ♪
♪ Cause it's a ghost town ♪
♪ Without you ♪
♪ Ghost town, without you ♪