- When you hear the first computer,
fax machine, female lawyer,
Where do you think they're all from?
The Silicon valley?
Perhaps even New York,
No, this is Iowa,
Home of the only division 1A football stadium
named after an African-American, Jack Trice,
Who attended Iowa State University in the 20s,
He was the second African-American competing
in college football at a major university,
Who's the first?
Frank Holbrook, who played for the
University of Iowa a decade earlier,
During the Civil War,
76,534 Iowans served in The Union,
No other state had a higher percentage
of its male population serve,
This is Waterloo,
Waterloo, Iowa,
This city, with the greatest tractors ever made,
This is East High,
Record for the longest football winning streak
in the state,
Strangely enough, the record
for the longest losing streak, too,
But whatever,
Hey, Cedar Falls, suck my dick from behind
for pointing that out in the first movie,
Waterloo West High,
The high school of the greatest wrestler
of all time, Dan Gable,
Waterloo is the home of the greatest
American Navy family, the Sullivans,
The Sullivan brothers all died on the same ship
in the South Pacific during World War II,
This is a story that inspired the movie,
Saving Private Ryan,
But my town of Waterloo,
that's where you're gonna get
the real American Experience,
A large glass of scotch,
plenty of great food,
and genuine conversation,
- American Pie was awesome,
- I can't believe the kid from Rookie of the Year
got Tara Reid,
- Harold was not aware of this,
Who was the kid from Rookie of the Year?
- Thomas Ian Nicholas, if I ever meet him,
I'm gonna tell him The Floater was shit,
- Tara Reid is hot,
- I like the part where the dude
put his dick in the pie,
- How do you know he's Jewish?
- Because his dad is Eugene Levy, Jew,
- You come off so antisemitic,
You need to work on that,
- The intern Clinton nailed was a Jew,
- You know, in 20 years,
our presidents, they'll be married to models
and plowing porn stars,
- You Neanderthals,
- Since your parents divorced,
your weekends with your dad have been great,
- Thank you Father,
for allowing us to watch R rated movies,
- Pisses Mom off, which is funny,
- I prefer American Beauty over American Pie,
It will win an Oscar,
- I would rather see a Jew screw a pie
over a plastic bag in the wind any day,
- Dad keeps asking me how many times
the new boyfriend comes,
comes about three times a week,
Mom comes about seven or eight,
Quit being such a fag, Dad,
Move on, get a chick,
sell some more Saturns or something,
- If you ever need to talk about your feelings,
after the divorce, Harold is a good listener,
- Feelings?
I have two Christmases now, you cock munchers,
- Hey, where's Taylor?
- He's hanging with his girl he met,
She's here for the summer,
- What is this, Grease?
♪ Those summer, nights ♪
- I prefer Grease 2,
Much better movie,
Musical scenes, way better,
Best bowling scene in film history,
- Taylor would sell out his buddies
for a chick any day,
Pervert, Dee tried to tell him
to keep his hands to himself,
- I will wait for the right girlfriend,
Harold is classy,
I want a lady with that same standard,
- Fag,
- No way Richard Gere's going
to rescue you if you're a hooker,
- Yeah, I guess he did make out with her,
You don't kiss a hooker on the mouth,
- No,
- They'll bite off the tip of your tongue,
- They'll bite right on,
- Like that shame on guy,
- Wait, Sham-Wow guy,
- You know the guy from the infomercial
with the shammy,
- Yeah,
He made out with a hooker,
And she bit off the tip of his tongue,
- Holy shit!
- Bit it right off,
You don't kiss a hooker on the mouth,
- No shit,
And Richard Gere gives her money
to go shopping?
- No, no,
- He would've taken her in an alley,
bent her over a dumpster, and said,
"yeah, take that pig!"
- Now that's a movie I would totally
go, I would pay money to see that,
- Yeah, you we think we're above men
in this area, but we are just as depraved,
How many copies
of Fifty Shades of Gray were sold?
Three blockbuster films,
- Oh, my God,
Honestly, I mean, I'd rather see that rich guy
work over that chick,
than watch the fucking Notebook,
- I would rather have my Catholic grandmother
catch me watching hardcore
gay porn
than to watch the fucking Notebook,
- Gay porn is the best, though,
That's a real romance movie,
- Well, no, watching some twink
get turned out by a couple of hairy bears,
hot,
- Yeah, take that pig,
- Hey, where's Tanner?
- I don't know, man,
I don't think his fiance
likes him hanging out with me,
- Why?
- She treats me like I'm from Marshal Town, man,
I'm gonna take him out to the Tiger's Den,
He's gonna get hopped up on crystal meth,
take a swing at a stripper,
- Well, she did have to pick you guys up last week
at four in the morning,
- It's different man,
Dave's stash makes some killer Vegas bombs,
Look at you man,
Maybe you're the issue,
Maybe he can't come here because of you,
You look like
the devil wears Tommy Bahama,
- Hey bro,
this shit gets me anything I want,
And you're no peach yourself either,
- I know,
A grown man wearing Justin Bieber jacket,
Maybe she's a little bit right,
But still, fuck her,
- Dude,
you tell him to tell her
he's at the real library,
- That's what I'm thinking,
Maybe you she'll
wind up allowing him to come out,
Maybe he's gonna go and say he's gonna
I don't know,
get like a boxcar kids
novel, or Sweet Valley High,
Hey, have we had this conversation before?
- Matt,
we have this conversation
every time,
- Tanner's fiance's a bitch,
- Major bitch,
She's says that Tanner can't come down here anymore
because she doesn't want him hanging around
Mr, Lance,
- Oh, she said Jeff Lance is a misogynist,
- What a dumb clam,
I don't even know gymnastics,
- No, dude,
That's a contortionist,
- What the hell's a misogynist?
- It's a man who's prejudice against women,
thinks that they're inferior,
- Doesn't she know
that I'm Jeff Lance?
I love women,
- That's right man,
You love women,
You're Jeff Lance,
You don't treat women like an object,
They treat you like an object,
- I know,
I'm actually sensitive,
I have feelings,
I want to be held and listened to
like a puppy,
- You know what,
I'm gonna text Tanner,
tell him
hey,
tell your fiance
that Jeff says
misogynists is an awfully big word
for such a little girl,
And send,
- Dude, that's something a misogynist would say,
- Exactly,
- Funny, bro,
- Don't worry about it,
She doesn't it to everyone,
- Yeah, she calls everyone sexist,
racist,
homophobe,
You name it,
- Small minds do it all the time,
Sexist,
Homophobe,
Racist,
Vocal trump cards for the idiots,
- You are a little antisemitic at times,
- Don't worry, Matt,
the Jews will not replace you,
- Hey,
Got a text from Tanner,
His fiance says she will let us come over,
but for just one drink,
And we have to have it in the driveway,
- In the driveway?
It's like on King of the Hill,
Dammit Bobby,
The Fiance is such a bitch,
- Yeah man, I don't know what you mean man,
You know what, fuck it,
Let's have shots,
- Shots,
You ever know about Toby Huss?
Actor from Marshalltown?
Played the voices of Kahn
and Grampaw Hill,
So anyway,
he was up for the part
of Mr, Miyagi,
and he showed up to the first audition
piss drunk and did the most racist,
asian voice he possibly could,
and got brought back for the second audition,
In his second audition,
he came in sober,
lost the part,
- So dude, where you headed?
Waterloo?
- Sierra Falls,
I'm fucking with you,
♪ The hate you fought for reason ♪
♪ Found out your faults ♪
♪ Hide behind ♪
♪ The picture perfect lights ♪
♪ the times you in the corner ♪
♪ Dusting for fingerprints ♪
♪ From cages painted pretty ♪
♪ Pictures of your sins ♪
♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What to give ♪
♪ Alright ♪
♪ Put on-on-on the table ♪
♪ Watch for shifty eyes ♪
♪ Serving cold revenge ♪
♪ With the side of spite ♪
♪ Satisfaction don't come easy ♪
♪ But to take it all with ease ♪
♪ With our guests, them guests ♪
♪ I'll just better leave ♪
♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
♪ Alright ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
- Pro-wrestling was a staple
in every kid's lives at some point,
There's three
prestigious
pro-wrestling hall of fame's in America,
Cauliflower Alley Club,
WWE,
George Tragos,
Lou Thesz Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame,
That one is held here
in Waterloo, Iowa,
Former inductees are,
Mick Foley,
Edge,
Kurt Angle,
Iron Sheik,
Jim Ross,
Terry Funk,
Rowdy Rowdy Piper
The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase,
the excellence of execution,
Bret "The Hitman" Hart,
and even the governor,
Jesse "The Body" Ventura,
But the one,
the one that always stuck with me and my friends,
the man,
spent more money
on spilled liqueur
from all ends of the world in one year
that you'll ever make in a lifetime,
I'm talking about the kiss stealing,
the wheeling, dealing,
Rolex wearing,
limonene riding,
jet flying son of a gun,
the nature boy,
limonene Flair,
Woo,
- I was in there
cause I'm loud in there,
and I saw you out here just bumming around,
I landed you a ticket,
- Dude,
When the fuck did you become a pro-wrestler?
- Since 2010,
You know that,
Dipshit,
- Jesus Christ,
That's awesome,
- Yeah, you can get one $20,
No, you know what,
friends and family discount,
30,
Yeah,
- Fucking A,
- Drinks after?
- Drinks after,
- Our boy, Frisco,
And the monster,
Malice,
Wrestling fans,
our winners,
Wrestling tag team champions,
the team of ,
and Malice,
♪ I was pouring myself a stiff drink ♪
♪ At Christmas ♪
♪ Eve ♪
♪ You was looking at me ♪
♪ Like I should ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ You think by now when see ♪
♪ That bottle ♪
♪ You should know ♪
♪ We're not walking sideways ♪
♪ I ain't trying to steal the show ♪
♪ Where I drink ♪
♪ So I drank ♪
♪ Now I'm drunk ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ Well I drink ♪
♪ So I drank ♪
♪ Now I'm drunk ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ I was watching the game at the bar ♪
♪ Last Monday ♪
♪ Night ♪
- Guys, how was it?
- Better than Bros,
♪ It was time to ♪
♪ Go ♪
♪ But my friends are here ♪
♪ And there's lots of beer ♪
♪ And the post game ♪
♪ Show ♪
♪ So before you get mad at me later ♪
♪ Just remember that I told you so ♪
♪ Well I drink ♪
♪ So I drank ♪
♪ Now I'm drunk ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ Well I drink ♪
♪ So I drank ♪
♪ Now I'm drunk ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ Well I drink ♪
♪ So I drank ♪
♪ Now I'm drunk ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ Well I drink ♪
♪ So I drank ♪
♪ Just like Hank ♪
♪ Now I'm ♪
♪ Drunk, again ♪
- Firewater,
a bar that is one block
from the Sullivan brother's center,
On stage right now,
Pamela the Punisher poet,
The only dominatrix poet
to ever make it,
And, her sidekick,
our good friend Sam the Slave,
- Ode to the little piggy,
dirty, nasty little piggy,
I'm going to make you mine
so get on your knees
and whine, you nasty swine,
I am Pamela,
the Punisher poet,
And you're just my little piggy
and everyone's going to know it,
I am the only dominatrix poet to ever make it
so get on your knees you nasty little pig
and take it,
- I love Pamela the Punisher,
I love poetry,
You girls have boyfriends?
- Yes,
Fantastic,
I love you Pamela the Poet Punisher,
- Rutro,
Where's Scooby and the gang?
- Solve any mysteries lately?
- No, not,
not today,
Why?
- Is your mom picking you up from little league later?
- I'm in a league,
- Is your priest still molesting you?
- You look like Lance Armstrong without the roids,
- You look like Tom Hanks
and the end of Philadelphia,
- You look like Chaz Bono in a fun house mirror,
- Sam,
What's up man, how's it going?
- Good,
Yeah, could I get a scotch please?
- Yeah, put that one on me,
- Classy as always, sir,
Dude, how's it going man?
Where's Tanner at?
- He's with his fiance, man,
- Well that's what happens, right,
You get older,
You get kids,
Got a nice wife, I guess,
Or you can just be the guy drinking alone at the bar,
- Yeah,
- Right,
- Yeah, yeah,
Apparently right now,
he's two knuckles deep
in a game of scrabble with his finance,
- Scrabble,
Don't you have to know words for scrabble?
- Yeah,
You know that guy's just playing idiotic stuff,
He's probably sitting there bored
making houses and stuff like that,
- Fucking lame crap,
- Idiot,
He's gonna play like this,
they, them,
it, as, and,
an,
and then do the D,
And then yeah, you know he's gonna get to there
and have like the wrong one,
Like he's gonna go ahead and say ah,
this means
they are, right,
They are, right,
He's gonna be asking,
- His fiance has to be having the worst time right now,
- Well, woo,
Look what he just played,
Actually, Tanner is playing scrabble
with is fiance
with a bunch of her friends,
She spelled Fount,
which earned her
24 points,
She was quite proud,
Tanner had a word too,
His fiance kept pestering him
on his vocabulary all night,
Starts with a Q,
That earned him
triple letter score,
So guess what Tanner's word is,
I'll give you a few hints,
Muff grunt,
box burp,
sliz sneeze,
womb wheeze,
cunt cough,
That's right,
Tanner's word is Queef,
And if you're still lost,
Google pussy fart,
Queef earned Tanner 63 points total on the word
and gave him the lead,
His finance was pissed,
But her Ceder Falls friends were impressed,
and also laughing so hard
that Tanner's finally in with them,
Just goes to show you
everyone comes together
at a campground
over a twat tune,
- Triple letter score on the letter Q, nice,
- Nice,
He's putting that extra chromosome to use,
- I'll drink my scotch to that,
- I'm telling you guys,
Jeff Lance is my real father,
I know it,
- He went in with your mom
when he was 12 years old,
you do realize this,
- That's what I'm saying,
She had Jeff in class when he was 12,
- That means your mom's a child molester,
- Yes, but my real father's a stud,
- Well, it makes sense,
You do like raw dogging the strange,
- Patrick Plumly,
He owns On The Rocks,
a bar with over 15 different Moscow mules,
eight craft beers on tap,
and even more bottled and canned,
A place like On The Rocks is a staple
in the Waterloo nightlife,
Come have some of the best drinks,
cocktails, beers in the whole Ceder Valley
all while taking in some artwork
of a vintage Waterloo,
The Dipshit Twins,
the smartest guys in the valley,
They received the highest marks at Iowa State University,
Later, they attended both Columbia and Harvard,
Inspired by their heroes,
Neil Degrasse Tyson
and Carl Sagan,
But like any other genius,
if you want to throw them off,
get them on a sex topic,
It totally throws a genius off,
Einstein can come up with a theory of relativity,
but ask that non-practicing Jew krout
to find the G spot on a woman,
and he will be more shaken
than Richard Spencer
asking for directions in a KFC
on the southside of Chicago,
- You know,
I was thinking
on the topic of black holes again,
- Here we go,
- We do not know
what laws of physics apply within a black hole,
We just don't,
We're applying standard laws of physics,
but they can't apply there,
They can't,
- Again,
the standard laws of physics
can apply to a black hole
if there is any presence
of something here on earth
such as
gravity,
- Gravity,
Oh, so that's what Google was talking about
when I looked it up earlier,
- Yes,
the same gravity that takes this beautiful dart
to the black
hole of that
gaping bullseye,
Right in the center,
Don't look,
- Well,
- Jesus Christ,
What in the world of Breaking Bad biology did I walk in on?
- Matt,
- You nerds talking about
Black holes again?
- Just because we identify as nerds
doesn't mean you can call us nerds,
We can call each other nerds,
You can't call us nerds,
Nerd,
- Hey, nerd,
- Hey,
- Yes, we're talking about black holes,
- Man, you guys talk about black holes
more than Robert Pinero,
- Hold on,
He's doing that comedy thing again,
Because
Robert De Niro,
Bobby as I call him,
he likes black women,
So that is funny,
- Bobby of Niro
likes black,
- Jesus guys,
Seriously,
But I'll play along,
- Oh,
- So,
let's just say the guy particle accelerator
and taken out all these mini black holes,
- Yes, you're speaking my language,
- They go ahead and toss us
into the Mandela Effect,
Mandela Effect,
The Mandela Effect refers to an enlarged number of people
share a false memory,
originally attributed to the existence
of multiple universes,
Are we currently residing in it?
- Let's see,
Answer the question,
- Bernstein,
I guess you could be a possibility,
Next question,
- It could be a possibility,
- But,
- If only you were to believe in
alternate timelines,
Or I don't know,
maybe something
like alternate universes,
A bubble universe,
- I get it,
Like Rick and Morty, right,
- No, I don't like Rick and Morty,
It's too smart for me,
Make my brain hurt,
- Pickle,
- Pickle dick,
Ow,
- It's pickle Rick,
I got another question for you guys,
You think
because - Yes,
- These black holes opening,
toss us into an alternate universe
within ourselves
that we actually have non binary people,
People who do not identify
as either gender,
nor masculine, nor feminine,
That they see neither of them,
That however they exist outside the binary,
and outside the cis normativity,
I'm telling you some people
do not see gender, but just see
who they actually are as a person,
- See people,
I've been to 17 different colleges,
- Dizzy,
Matt,
what the fuck are you talking about man?
- Yeah,
What are you saying?
- I'm just saying
these people don't see gender,
- You're hurting Dipshitowits one,
- Shut up, Dipshitowits two,
- How can you not see gender?
That's
all you can see when you're doing it,
Look,
hey, hey, hey,
Honk, honk,
- It's all you can see,
It's all you can see,
- Hey, hey, gender, gender,
gender, gender,
Hey, hey, hey,
- Let's put it,
hey,
Hey, - I'm doing both parts,
Hey,
What?
- You're gonna get us kicked out again,
- Sorry,
Sorry,
- What are you gonna do?
Oh yeah, here's a big seven inch
dark and red veiny,
sweaty,
smelly non-binary,
- It's my big,
huge,
two inches,
give or take
veiny,
Looks almost like--
- Big, huge,
two inches?
- Go,
- I mean,
I don't think they see it kind of that way boys,
- Well you sometimes you need a microscope,
but you can see it that way,
- You can see it,
I've looked,
Scientific curiosity,
Nothing weird,
Look, Matt,
let's put it in dummy language,
- Yeah, we're the Dipshits,
Sure,
- There's no denying dick,
- Yeah,
- There's no denying dick,
There's no denying dick,
There's no,
- You know what,
- What?
- Let's go home,
- Yeah,
- Get the whiteboard out,
put some fricking Windex on it,
And then we're gonna figure this out
for once and for all,
- Yeah Matt,
You're such a fricking A-hole,
Pardon my language, but
we're trying to
go on solve
the straight dairy problem,
Now you got me all twisted up,
Now we have to
fricking solve
non-binary,
- Computer scientists,
Let's go,
- A couple of science nerds,
they're not very PC,
Indepedent film,
They must have meant Independent film,
The Mandela Effect,
But an Independent film
set in Waterloo, Iowa
named Bros,
Oh man, that's got to suck,
- You running off my customers again?
- Come on man, they were just gonna drink up
my fucking favorite scotch,
- Doesn't matter,
- Tell you what,
I'm gonna drink the majority of that bottle
in there anyways,
And they were probably gonna have a bunch of waters,
It won't matter,
They're science dorks,
I'm a drunk,
I pay more,
- I love alcoholism,
- Hey, hey,
the Waterloo Manati meeting just let out?
- Matt, good to see you,
- Good seeing you,
- Where's your buddy, Tanner?
- He's out with his fiance tonight,
- Yep,
That happens when you get older,
People, they get married,
They have kids,
Be happy for your friend,
- Yeah, speaking of which,
he's playing scrabble with her,
Check out the word he played,
- Oh, yeah,
That's nice placement there on that Q,
Triple letter score,
63 points,
Very nice,
- Yeah,
I hate drinking alone,
- Eat your bread
with joy and drink your wine
with a merry heart,
for god has already approved
what you do,
- That's beautiful,
Who's that?
Luke Bryant?
Kanye West?
- It's Ecclesiastes nine seven,
It's from the bible,
- Yeah,
I always try to give musicians way too much credit,
- Let me ask you something,
what have you done so far today?
- Well, it started off,
I had some shots with Jeff Lance at the Library,
I went and saw
pro-wrestling at the Five Sullivan Center,
And went and saw Pamela The Punisher Poet next door,
It's been pretty cool,
- All that in the course of one Saturday afternoon
in the Cedar Valley,
You know,
the Douist define grace
not so much
by the words that you say,
but by your actions,
your movements,
how you live life,
You have more wealth in these few city blocks
than most people have
anywhere in the world,
Where else,
other than
maybe Las Vegas or something
can you get
a glass of scotch that full?
Be happy for your friends,
for they come and go,
You know they'll always be those children
and those wives out there,
Be happy for them too
because this too may come for you someday,
- Yeah,
What if it doesn't?
- Well then you're just another old guy at a bar,
But see that's okay too,
You need to cherish your memories,
enjoy your scotch,
and remember the five Sullivan brothers,
They would have loved to be able to come back to this town
and enjoy it the way that you have,
- How'd you get so wise?
- I come from Oelwein, Iowa,
Oh hey, I have two tickets to the court games,
Starts in about 15 minutes,
If you can find somebody to go with you, great,
If not, then you just enjoy your evening,
- Thanks man,
I always appreciated our friendship,
- Take care,
Finish that scotch,
- The Cedar Valley court games,
Waterloo's Midwest professional basketball team,
Actually, the Midwest professional basketball league
champions,
- Speaking of broke,
do you have enough money to finish
paying for your haircut?
- I see, it's cool, it's cool,
It's hard out here man,
- You look like Raggedy Anne after a house fire, man,
- People's hair,
I mean one more hair strand falls out your hair, man,
you're gonna look like broke Bruce Willis or something,
I'm just saying,
- Jersey Shore reject,
You look like old Asians,
- Speaking of that,
you sure look like you came off the gas
golf course seven,
- I did, I see you dad there,
- Speaking of rejects,
like your hairline's been rejecting
your forehead a little bit,
I don't know what's going on,
- Your hairline look like a fundraiser,
I'm sorry,
- You guys are black,
- You kind of look like an Oreo,
- A broreo,
I like that,
I like that, let's toast to that right there,
- Bros for life, - Bros for life,
- So I was thinking,
and I think I might like the sound
of some little feet pitter pattering,
I think maybe we should start a family,
- Oh my god,
I love being your wife,
I would make such a great mom,
I would love to have
a little boy or girl with you,
- Okay,
I'll throw away the condoms,
You start taking your temperature
and charting your days,
And I'll triangulate the insemination
for the best possible outcome,
- The way you sound it,
it's so dirty,
I love it,
- Black Hawk county seat
was originally in Cedar Falls,
- Yeah, and then some Waterloo residents
went over and seized the documents
and brought them back to Waterloo,
- Wait, is this a story
where they threw eggs at each other?
- Yeah, they called it the egg war,
- Hard boiled,
Just like city councils in these towns,
- Or over easy,
like the Cedar Valley women,
- So according to this,
we conceived on the weekend of the 11th and the 12th,
- Hey, that was the weekend
I was out of town at my nana's funeral,
- Oh my god,
Sorry,
- It's okay,
I fucked somebody else that weekend too,
- C'est la vie,
- Sera, sera,
- Mom, you got to stop hitting on guys my age,
Stop flirting with my guy friends,
- You know people think we could
actually be sisters,
- You slow down,
You're way too much,
- I am a cougar,
It's our time now,
I will not slow down,
It's MILF time,
- Gross,
- Your little friend, Jake, didn't think so,
- This is Elias,
a good Christian boy,
Drank way too much one night,
Actually, he went on an entire weekend bender,
Now, he's in alcoholic's anonymous,
So we refer to him as
AA Elias,
- Shit this shit's man,
Why don't they fix this shit, dude?
Who gives a shit,
- Hey, Jorge,
- What you want, dude?
- You know I'm really concerned about you man,
I'm really concerned about your health,
Hwy don't you take a look at this,
Really could help you out,
- You think?
- Yeah man,
It helped me,
- Whatever dude,
Go away dude, I'm drinking,
- Alright, just think about it, man,
- Yeah whatever dude,
Go fuck yourself,
Holy shit, AA works,
Alright,
- I love the two of you in Oz,
- What's up man,
- Hey, what's up Jorge?
What's up dude?
Marcel, can I get another run?
Thank you,
- This time of the day, dude?
- Yeah,
You have the same one too,
- I'm in mourning dude,
- Yeah, I guess I'm in mourning too,
- Why, Anthony Bourdain too?
You heard about that shit too?
- No, Tanner,
He's got a fiance,
Can't hang out with me,
- He found someone tighter than you, huh,
- Yeah, I guess in a way,
- In a way?
Really?
- Yeah,
Who's fucking push light is that?
- That's that milk weed,
Tyler of the tool,
- Oh Jesus Christ,
Was diet mountain dew too spicy?
- For that milk weed
motherfucker, maybe,
- Oh yeah,
Extra cheese was a good call,
It's a two flusher, baby,
Pouring one out for your dead homies over there?
You guys both have a grinder,
That's how you guys met,
That's awesome,
Good for you guys,
You guys are a beautiful couple,
I like the melting pot
kind of situation going on here,
- Hey, at least I get swiped right, motherfucker,
Hey, what's with the jacket?
Were you worried about the Jews replacing you?
- You couldn't replace me,
I look like
if Adolph Hitler could perfectly design somebody,
A genetically modified boy band member basically,
- Yeah, the Richard Spencer Five,
I've heard of them,
- You're just like my uncle,
You went south of the border,
You got a nice Hispanic wife,
You're like the guy
from Modern Family,
That's awesome,
- You're adorable,
- That's like your mom said,
She thinks I'm real cute,
She put me up in her big strong Mexican arms,
like a big bundle of fruit,
Just picked me up,
- Hey,
where's your dipshit friend at?
Tyler?
- Pulling doubles over at the golf course, man,
Golf pro,
Making that good money,
He's got a kid on the way,
He fucks girls, unlike you guys,
- Putting,
The short game,
Well, half the game actually,
You master this, and
I think I see a little green jacket in your future,
But,
but you got to eye on the ball
and then put through
to the hole,
Through to the hole,
But,
you got to focus,
Buddy,
Focus,
- Hey, I thought that was a baby ruth in Caddyshack,
- Yeah, but all they had was snickers,
- Hey, no more Caddyshack references,
- But man, orange balls,
Hey Wayne, this is a swanky joint,
Go tell him you're Jewish,
- No more Caddyshack references,
No more Caddyshack references,
I'm fucking serious,
- Oh baby,
This is a big one,
- Alright, don't count that one,
That was interfered with,
- The whole world needs ditch diggers too,
- What'd I say about Caddyshack references?
- What's the matter?
I just want to bring you a present,
- No
more
Caddyshack references,
- Hey, that's from Caddyshack two,
- Yeah, it's from Caddyshack two, bra,
- Shit man,
The last time I saw you,
the night in Cedar Falls with Heather,
- Yet that girl talks about how small my dick is,
Like you're six foot four,
everything looks that small
compared to that,
Come on,
- You ever notice when she gets mad,
she kind of looks like William Defoe?
- Oh dude, it's like
kind of like seeing my stepdad,
It's crazy,
Like
the guy that got shot by fucking Jake Taylor
from Major League in Platoon,
you know what I'm talking about,
- Yeah dude,
Oh my god,
Was she on the rescue in the Boondock Saints?
- Yeah,
Born on the fourth of July,
- You two are peas in a pod,
What are you, a fucking
shake swords together sometimes,
- That's not a bad idea?
- Yeah man,
Hey, you got to have somebody from a movie
talk shit about your dick,
who would it be?
- Oh man, probably Hannibal Lector, man,
He'd be like
go into great detail about it,
and then like snack that shit up with some fava beans,
What about you?
- Weirdly,
Cruella de Vil,
- 101 Dalmatians,
- Yeah,
Yeah, she'd talk shit about it,
she'd still see the beauty in it,
She'd just have to find a 100 more
and fashion it in to a fashionable jacket,
- A nice little dick coat,
- Yeah, who wouldn't wear a dick skinned jacket?
- I would look good in a dick coat,
- That jacket is tighter than dick skin,
- Absolutely,
- So,
fuck it,
You want to go to Lava Lounge?
I'll buy you a scotch,
$12,
the good kind,
- Trailer Park Boys, nice,
- Nice,
- Well, it looks like I'm Julien on this one,
cause I'm taking my drink with me,
- It's about to fucking time,
- Have a good one,
Adios amigo,
- Yeah, fuck yourself,
- No, C3-PO has a silver leg,
- Mandela Effect,
- No, what,
No, no, no, no, no,
C3-PO is gold
and Han did the Castle Run
in 12 parsecs,
Duh,
- Pretty sure it was 14,
- He told Chewy
that he rounded down in Solo,
- Either way,
it's still impressive,
- So,
is Rey Han and Leia's kid?
- How the hell
would Luke and Leia not sense that?
I mean these jedis are unreal,
Leia can Mary Poppins through the vacuum of space,
but she can't keep track of her damn kids,
- There's no way that Rey is their kid anyway,
Han and Leia,
no, there's no way,
No,
- Jedi's are shitty parents,
- Do you think
that
at like another bar in this town,
there are girls talking about Star Trek
like we're talking about Star Wars,
- No way,
- Yeah, Star Trek is dumb,
- You're right,
- You can have your Captain Pikard,
You can have your Captain Kirk,
but I'm after that Spock,
There's a reason for live long and prosper,
I'd put a smile on that Vulcan's face,
- I understand that,
But I want Mr, Chekov
as I want to make him my first,
You know them virgins,
I want to take him boldly
where no man has gone before,
- Girl,
- You know in can do a little,
- Only you girl,
- I'm telling you,
that's the way it's supposed to be,
- Cheers,
- You know, I gotta say,
Rent by far is the greatest musical
ever created,
It has heart,
It's visceral,
And it just moves you in every way possible,
And also, it really hits home
with all my gay friends
and what they have to endure,
- Les Miserable is the greatest musical of all time,
It digs into the human spirit,
the struggle,
They yearn to be part of a higher power,
and the grace of humanity,
- Cats is the best,
I just love it,
Cute little cats running around,
And they don't make me sneeze like real cats,
- The Music Man,
a light hearted musical
set in Iowa,
It saw the best production of it
at the Cedar Falls Community Theater
at the,
The Waterloo Community Playhouse
also had a superb production of it,
- You guys are all wrong,
I'm not trying to be a dickhead but,
awful selections,
Greese 2 is
profoundly better than everything you guys have mentioned,
You can roll your eyes,
but it really is,
You're just gonna have to revisit it,
The Music Man?
I don't mean any disrespect,
I just,
that's like,
it's child's play for grandparents,
It makes Iowans
seem like
frumpy fools that can't spot a fraud
a half a cornfield away,
It's not any good,
Cats,
I don't have enough scotch for Cats,
Rent man,
Rent's insufferable,
It just, like I get it,
Like I understand the struggle,
Totally sympathize with the gay community
in New York City during Aids
and persecution,
living in weirdly shitty apartments,
But really all it did was enable
white sorority sisters
to slaughter more Karaoke songs,
I can't, I can't,
Cats?
Les Mis,
I mean I don't hate it,
I like Anne Hathaway in the movie,
It's pretty great,
But Jean Valjean
is not
and will never be
Cool Rider,
In Greese 2, Michael
comes to America with a dream,
He makes his money
writing essays for the
less fortunate folks at his school,
And he saves his money
and he builds a motorcycle
from scratch,
A cool rider was needed,
He built it from scratch,
He repurposed these parts
and he built them into something stronger,
faster,
and just beautiful,
I don't know what else you would want,
It's the American dream
in musical form,
Michelle Phieffer needed hell on wheels
and by god,
Michael bird hot,
It also has the best bowling scene
in cinematic history,
It's way better than that trite
gooey Beatles karaoke movie
across the universe,
- Seriously, Harris,
That's the best you can come up with?
- Please I,
please, I prefer Harold,
- I prefer Harris,
- Okay,
- A couple reasons why Greese 2 is shit,
First of all,
Michelle Phieffer sounds like
she's got a dead cat stuck in her throat,
Her singing is atrocious,
- And yet she persevered,
- That was easily the worst movie
she's ever been in,
Secondly, there's a production going on right now
called 13,
These kids are in junior high
and they're putting on something better
than these 30 year olds could,
Last,
these four musicals
were on a stage,
been on Broadway,
Greese 2 has only been in theaters
and has never won an award,
- Well,
better is the local theater,
They chose to do Greese
instead of the wrong one,
If they would have got their heads
out of their asses,
they would have picked the right one,
they would have found a cool rider
and Harold would have obliged,
- So what are you drinking there?
- Young lady, I am not drinking
anything,
I am experiencing this
single malt scotch,
- You know,
every time you drink scotch,
it makes me really frisky,
- Well I do suppose that the
experience is different for everyone,
- Well what are you doing later?
- Young lady,
must I inform you
that I'm wearing my purity ring,
- Why are you wearing a purity ring?
- Because
purity rings are so cool,
- Cousin Harold,
Are you doubting the
coolness of my purity ring?
- Well if your ear wolf hat
is an indication,
yes, I am,
I've decided that purity rings
are no longer,
- Well then they are no longer hip for the Oliver,
Young lady may entice away,
- Do you want to experience my place or yours later?
- Oh, Oliver does not want to wait that long,
How about
out back behind the dumpster?
- Dumpster fucking?
Yeah,
- Oliver,
please,
- Oh cousin Harold,
I suppose you're right,
How about we go back to my place
and we experience a bottle of single malt scotch
and I will show you my huge
vinyl collection,
- Okay,
- My work here is done,
- Thank you, cousin Harold,
Thank you,
- Did she say dumpster fucking?
- I believe they said dumpster fucking,
Have you ever dumpster fucked?
- I've never had a dumpster fuck,
but I've had a handjob behind the Tasty Freeze one time,
- That sounds like you,
- You how I feel about those tractor shots,
It's just kind of like,
actually that guy up there
on the TV,
He seems like a guy who probably put himself
in his own movies,
- Yeah, multiple movies on the same subject,
- Always in the same bars,
in the same locations,
and it's always the same gay dick jokes,
- Constantly,
Because the only thing this guy finds funny
is dick jokes after a life of touring and bar hopping,
- Drinking nothing but scotch,
Pretty sure it just runs through his veins
and he just like
pisses straight scotch,
- Burns all the time,
You can never tell when he's got the clap,
- I mean I'm sure he's got some good drugs for that,
But three movies,
Fuck,
Kevin Smith won't even make a third Clerks,
- Definitely not,
- Strip clubs,
pornography shops,
come on Boss,
There's got to be something else out there,
- What would you suggest I do?
- Christian bookstores,
- Boss,
This is the Boss,
He owns a strip club
and an adult bookstore in town,
This guy's former boss,
The Adult Shop Mop,
- Okay, the idea of
being in business is to stay in business,
You realize that, right,
Hey, you're a good kid,
Everybody likes you, Elias,
You know they call you AA Elias now
cause of that weekend,
But that's okay,
AA's probably good,
Alcoholics anonymous works for some people
and seems to
work pretty well for you,
And that's good,
Let me pose something to you,
Imagine there's a good Christian man,
He goes to church
every Wednesday and Sunday,
Goes to bible study,
a great man,
very faithful,
He's driving down the road one day
on his way to a bible study,
soup kitchen,
what have you,
He gets a tightness in his chest,
It's pains in his arms,
Realizes he's having a heart attack,
pulls off to the very first place
he could find
to seek out help,
He dies on the floor of that business,
Say it's
my adult bookstore
or one of my strip clubs,
The news will read
77 year old man dies of a heart attack
at 10:00 AM in the morning
at an adult bookstore or strip club,
You're automatically gonna think this man is bad,
Let's go the other side,
Imagine there is an awful guy,
A guys that goes to my strip clubs all the time,
He's at my adult bookstores,
complete porn hound,
A complete reprobate,
A drunk,
A whore monger,
He's driving down the road one day,
It's a tightness in his chest,
Pains in his arms,
Knows he's gonna have a heart attack,
Pulls off to the very first place he can find
to seek out help,
and it's a church,
The news will read
77 year old man
dies of a heart attack at 10:00 AM
on a Wednesday morning
at a church,
You're automatically gonna think he's good,
- Well,
at least I tried,
- Always remember this,
amazing grace was written by an atheist
who was saved,
So never stop trying,
You're good man,
- Thanks Boss,
See you later,
- Bye,
- Praise be,
Last time I saw an ass like that,
it was carrying our lord and savior,
- Are you seriously
objectifying her right now?
- No, I'm not objectifying her,
I'm just looking at her ass,
What's up with you broads
making up words and shit,
I'm trying to
get my dick wet,
Talk to you later,
Anyway,
I feel like you can be Columbine
and I decide to shoot a bunch of kids inside of you,
Hmm?
You know mid 90s,
you're a pog,
I just start slamming that shit,
Maybe you pull a Fonz
and just bang against the jukebox til
Incubus plays,
whatever that shit is you're into,
Kati Perry?
Taylor Swift?
I don't know
how old we are yet,
Can you get a drink?
Do you need a drink?
- Hey Boss,
- Matthew,
- How's it going?
- Kevin, get
this bro a drink on me,
So scotch?
- Definitely,
Definitely scotch,
- I got this Highland Park viking scotch,
Kevin suggested it,
- Viking's honor,
Good for us Norwegians,
- Yeah, but you know what's not good for us,
What the fuck is this AA pamphlet doing here?
AA Elias in here?
- Yeah, he was just in here,
- I thought I saw that snail trail leading in,
- Oh you heard about that weekend, huh?
- Yeah,
The bender to remember,
- Alcoholics anonymous
suits people like him,
That was a hell of a weekend for him,
I mean Jesus,
parents got to him late Sunday night,
His liver's inflamed,
He's got the worst case of chlamydia or gonorrhea,
That kid could not handle a weekend of liqueur,
That was really,
I heard it was an epic weekend,
I heard it was a lot of fun,
- I saw him at the beginning of that weekend,
He showed up with a bottle of scotch
ready to roll,
- Oh yeah, he was a ball,
But yeah, I think alcoholics anonymous
is the correct position for him,
I think that's the
great place for him,
- Hey,
coasters?
- I didn't see any,
Kevin, you got coasters?
- We're all out,
- AA works,
- Alright,
- Do you need someone to co-sign a loan for you?
I don't know where you're at in your life,
Would you like to see how much of my penis
could fit in your mouth?
I think you could almost get the whole thing,
You seem like you have
like a really
just can do attitude,
you know what I mean,
You're a fighter,
You're a survivor,
- Are you a letter?
- I've been told that I'm a D before,
So,
- As in a douchebag?
- Like dick,
I don't know if it's a big one, but it's a pretty cock,
It's nice to look at,
- Anyway,
Since you're a letter,
I'm gonna need you to C your way out,
- Oh, that's funny,
I'm gonna need to see you M on those tits,
- I was actually
one of your businesses today,
- Well thank you for your patronage,
- Yeah,
- That's classic,
Alright, which place were you at?
- Mini cinema,
- Did you wash your hands
before you shook my hand there?
- Shit,
- That's okay, that's okay,
- So it was weird,
I went in there
and I didn't see Porn peddler Pete,
- Oh, he doesn't work for me anymore,
- What happened?
- Well he pirated pornography,
I can't stand for that,
I mean when you sell pornography,
you have to pay the taxes,
the rights,
all these different fees towards it,
He didn't do that,
That's not right,
People spend a lot of time and money
making pornography,
They should be paid
a living wage for such things,
Yeah, so he was pirating pornography
all over town,
And I found out about it
and I had to let I'm go,
Broke his heart,
He loved that job,
- He did love that job,
Man, this whole time,
everybody thought you were morally bankrupt,
I guess we were just in a recession,
- Irony isn't it,
- Now you say it,
now I do remember something about it,
I heard his house got raided,
Like the police came in,
swat team came in
and they found some stuff in the basement,
- I didn't hear about this,
What?
- He had an archive of secret things,
I mean it was almost like Donnie Darko
and you realize Patrick Swayze
had like the
kiddie porn dungeon in there,
It wasn't like that,
It was a whole nother thing,
Raider porn,
- What's raider?
I've never heard of a Raider porn,
What's Raider porn?
- It's when white supremacists
have furry parties
and they bang each other
and film it,
- But wait a minute,
How many animals in the animal kingdom
are actually white?
- Like a snow leopard,
- You got doves,
Like an albino squirrel maybe,
- God man, a polar bear,
- Polar bear,
Yeah, polar bear,
- You know when it's white supremacists
is all in the missionary position,
So it's gonna be boring as hell,
- But wait a minute,
if a brown bear comes in
it just kind of throws the whole thing off,
- Yeah,
They ain't letting this guy in,
Come on,
- Imagine he walks in,
do you mind if I dance with your dates?
- Oh come on,
they're gonna worry about it,
They're gonna produce some sort of skunk baby
in their minds,
Come on man,
That ain't gonna happen,
- Imagine a neo-Nazi
mid stroke in the middle of raider porn
and a black bear walks in,
Allah, adult shop mop
and I'm soft,
- I mean hand job
even just,
I watch you, you watch me,
I would
eat ass,
but that would be like
eating at Benny Hannas
from the looks of things,
- Seriously?
- Yeah,
For serious, oh big time,
- This is the best you can do to pick up a girl?
- I mean,
the next one is either pull out a wallet
or get you in one of my dad's Nissan's or something,
I don't know
what you're currently,
your like current APR is
or what your
as far as lease goes or anything,
but I can get you a car,
I can get you money,
Some fake titties, or something,
Whatever you want,
I would do it for you,
- Dude, I am too good for you,
- There's only one way to find out,
And a lot of times,
like the big trend right now
I've seen online is for women
to like carry men,
I can be that piece of shit boyfriend
that all your friends joke about,
And you know, really though,
when you come home,
I'm--
- Dude, I've been there, done that, so,
- You haven't done this yet tough,
- Raider porn,
There's actually raider porn,
That's not a joke?
- No dude,
I'm dead serious,
- Why the hell did he have raider porn in his basement?
- I don't know man,
He had like some weird, sick little obsession in there,
And he kept going with it,
- And the cops
came for it,
Oh god,
- They did dude,
- Oh my god,
I bet his nice little Methodist mother
lost it when she saw the cops showing up
to get his raider porn collection,
- He was always in to like
weird figure skating,
but maybe because it's like
usually white petite girls,
- Well he was an interesting,
he was an interesting duck,
- Always kind of floating through the air,
maybe like a bird,
- A strange kid, a strange kid,
But,
I can forgive all that,
But you don't pirate pornography
because people are not being paid
the proper taxes, fees and residuals
that they are entitled to,
But raider porn,
that's a bridge too far,
- Oh my god,
Look at this sack of shit,
Look at him,
- Oh Christ,
That is worse than
having raider porn is being a stand up comedian,
- I heard that porno Pete was actually
saying that he was watching that stuff
to build up a stand up comedy act,
- So his
excuse was I have a raider porn collection to--
- Work on a bit,
- To work on a bit,
I think I'd rather be a porn hound
than be a stand up comedian,
That is like the lowest of the low,
- God, can you imagine what it would have been like
if we had to go around like
the community--
- You had to go door to door
and tell everybody he was a standup,
I'm sorry,
I'm Pete, I live down at--
- I live within your community,
- Oh my god,
What was his Methodist more upset about?
The fact that he was
peddling porn and pirating it all over town
or that he's gonna be a stand up comedian?
- Dude, I don't know,
It's got,
Oh my god,
- Speaking, yeah, Jesus,
speaking of the devil,
look at that sack of shit,
Oh my god,
- Oh my god,
How embarrassing would that be,
- See,
I bet his parents are so proud,
Oh my god,
- Oh yeah, definitely,
That guys is just driving like
a red mustang
with a canvas top convertible,
Not even a V8, a V6,
Automatic,
- It was a V8,
I hope I'm never
that low that I have to do something like that
to garner attention,
- Oh dude,
I'd rather be sucking dick from behind in the alley
making decent wage off of that
than to ever have to speak any kind of
words into a microphone,
- Matt, please, let's make a promise
that we never, ever have to do standup comedy,
- Yeah,
- Real quick, bathroom, three minutes,
- I don't want to,
- Behind this jukebox?
We fucking pull this thing out,
- I really don't want to,
- That's okay,
I'll watch you do some stuff,
- Indeed rather have the Bros two times over
than I'd have you,
- That'd probably feel about the same,
You got a little
nubby nubby in each hand,
A little corn holder,
If that's what you want,
I'll arrange it,
I know them,
- They don't like you though,
- No one really does, but I mean,
- Then why are you here?
If no one likes you, then why are you here?
Why don't you go fuck off?
Back to Douche land?
- I will do that,
If you change your mind,
I'll be over here, - I won't,
- That's okay,
You might, - So fuck off,
- I've got that thing
in the back of your mind,
You'll be thinking about it,
- Nope, - Think about it,
- Fuck off,
- God,
I can't get any pussy in this place,
I might as well go fucking kings and queens,
- Jesus Christ dude,
you're objectifying that sliz,
- What does that even mean?
Objectifying?
You sound like one of those broads man,
- You know,
loose morals,
a little bit of loose action,
That's what I mean,
- Yeah, then objectifying I was,
It's my objective all night to do that,
Trying to find some clam, man,
A little slam clam,
Clam digger,
Anything I can do to muff some duff,
- I didn't realize your a shoreman yourself,
Nectar Wookie,
a lifeless idiot
whose whole existence
consists of following around bands like Base Nectar,
When they're not out selling bunk drugs,
veggie burritos and grilled cheese,
they're often swiping drinks
and trying to borrow literally everything
at music festivals,
A Nectar Wookie is the natural enemy of a hipster,
kind of like in Twilight
with the vampires and werewolves,
Hey, Kristen Steward is a jew,
Why else would she get with a 100 year old guy
with a nice german car?
- I don't mean to cause alarm,
but doth my nostrils deceive me,
we have a nectar wookie
in our midst,
- Oh, I'm sorry yeah,
That's me,
I haven't,
I haven't showered in a few weeks, so,
- Also, Bonoroo has a bathroom in a few weeks,
- No, that's,
that's actually next week,
I'm pretty sure,
Yeah,
- I don't have marijuana,
That drink was not yours,
Bonoroo is that way,
- Oh, okay,
- Yeah, Phish is about to take the stage man,
You should go,
- Guess what,
guess what,
Base Nectar
not on the jukebox,
How about you dubstep
walk away from the situation
you fucking wookie,
- Jesus, okay,
I'm sorry,
- Stay the fuck out of gong fu, okay,
- By the way,
you guys have any mushrooms?
- Get the fuck out of here,
We don't have anything,
- Fucking Mark Walberg in Rock Star,
- That's not a bad movie, honestly,
- Hey, did you see what happened to my drink?
- Sorry man,
The fucking woff took it,
- Sorry man,
- Thanks for looking out, man,
Bartender, get these bros a drink on me,
- So bros, it's last call,
What are you thinking?
- Scotch,
- Scotch?
- Scotch,
- Better not be Doers,
- Alright, bros,
this is Singleton,
the Glenlive 12 year,
single malt,
You know about that, Harold,
- Hey, it's not Doers guys, we're good,
- We'll pour it neat,
- You know what that means?
- No,
- Harold,
- Yes?
- You're pouring it really quick,
That's neat man,
Neato,
- What I'm gonna do now
is I'm gonna put a couple drops of water
in each one,
It changes the molecular density,
It opens it up,
- Like a bouquet,
- Exactly,
- Like a lady's legs,
- With the best water
in the valley,
Actually in the world,
- Yep,
- Best hangover cure
right there,
Water,
- I wish we had some Roy Orbesen records,
Is that how you discard your scotch?
- Yeah, is there another way?
- My god, you're still doing
fucking Big League Chew?
- Fucking A right man,
cause I'm a pro,
- We should have given him Doers,
- What is the next plan of attack?
Cause this is a lot of fun and all, but--
- I have a Lyft,
- Who?
- Somebody named Ling,
- No,
No, no, no, no,
Trust me,
I got pepper sprayed by that broad,
No,
- I'm from Brooklyn, you motherfucker,
- Wait, wait,
there's a Brooklyn in China?
- I sprayed her with my pepper,
- Oh, I think I heard of that,
Did she join AA Elias after that?
- Oh hell yeah, she did,
- Okay,
- Oh yeah,
- Yeah I'd sober up if I had to bang this guy,
- I'm just saying,
if I had my dick inside you you,
your gonna make some good positive changes in life,
- My god,
Look, I'm gonna get on
Uber right now,
I know I'm not gonna get in the fucking Uber Jew,
- Oh, the Uber Jew,
Yah,
- Uber Jew?
- Yeah, - Yeah,
- It seems a little
antisemitic and maybe a bit tasteless,
- Oh my god,
It's not like I fucking called in the sheeny shuttler,
Fucking kike cart dude,
Oh my god dude,
- I'm on the old hieve highway,
- Hey,
- I wouldn't say I'm gay,
But I've definitely done some gay shit, dude,
- Yeah you have,
- Yeah,
- We're fully aware,
- You haven't?
No?
- No,
- Harold was never
partook in homosexual,
- You're gonna tell me with that jacket,
and that beard you guys have never done anything gay?
- Maybe watched the WNBA,
- I would tell you,
if you got more in touch
with your male side,
you might have,
I don't know,
more luck getting women,
- I actually prefer the WNBA,
It's more a team sport,
- The only reason you like watching the WNBA
is because a lot of those ladies
have Adam's apples,
- I really appreciate their talent,
- God, would you be in to it
if they did?
- No, dude,
I'm like a fucking ancient Roman warrior,
That is the only reason why me and my other male friends
have bonded in the way that we have,
I wouldn't say it's anything sexual about it,
It's more about
becoming brothers,
becoming closer than you ever could,
Someone's life in your hands,
you want to really trust somebody,
jerk that dick off,
You know what I mean,
You really learn a lot about somebody,
- Achilles and Hector, you are not,
- No, hell no,
I'm not gonna die because the back of my fucking ankle
gets tweaked,
You know what I mean,
No, I'm
like Brad Pitt,
but more like Brad Pitt in Snatch,
You know what the fuck I mean,
- You like dikes?
- Yeah,
Do I like dikes?
Or docks?
- Guys,
You like guys?
- Eh, I wouldn't say I like them,
but if you've never had a dude jerk you off,
you haven't lived,
The textile strength that a man has
is so much better than a woman's,
- Those calluses,
- It's like getting a fucking handjob
from a ranch hand, you know what I mean,
Just a good firm old Midwestern hand shake,
You know what I'm talking about,
In fact,
let me show you,
From what I've learned by,
I don't know,
being amongst my fellow men,
I'm gonna teach that lady over there
a thing or two
she's never seen,
I'm gonna get her to suck my whole penis,
- Her?
- Yeah,
- Her? - Yeah,
Tiddle biddies over there,
- Her?
- Yes, let me,
let me show you guys, okay,
I'm, this is gonna be
Trojan warrior
and that's my young squire,
- This is the moment where Harold
is continually baffled at how we are friends,
- Let me give you a piece of advice,
- I wouldn't recommend this,
- I would not recommend this,
- Why?
She's too easy,
It's too easy of a kill?
It's like hunting a wounded deer?
That's fine,
That's all I fucking hunt,
you know what I mean,
- I think Tyler needs a challenge,
- I'll accept roadkill,
Yeah, absolutely,
- Okay,
- How about just enough funds
to go malt scotch
to appreciate this moment,
- You guys keep my seat warm,
I'll be getting my dick wet,
When I get back,
you guys can help dab it off
and tell me how great we did,
- He's always so rude,
I'm not a prude,
but I can see him appreciating the crude,
- What's up girl?
Get you a drink?
- Yeah,
Like Red Bulls over here, baby,
- Sure, I love to smash Red Bull vodkas with you
all night
and then you can fuck me doggie style
while we watch the new season of Blue Mountain State,
Do you like Nickleback as much as I do?
- Yes,
- Yeah, - Oh my god, yeah,
- I fucking love Tool,
Yeah,
- Pull my hair,
- You're towing my toolbox baby,
- Oh god,
Get this little tool out right here,
- Why do you call it little?
- Damn, can I get a couple vodka red bulls on her please?
- Wow, seriously?
- Uh uh,
- Who the fuck do you think you are?
Do you think I'm just some little tool shed
you can do whatever the fuck you want with?
God, you are such a typical Cedar Falls WASP
who probably only got through high school
on the fact that daddy owned a car dealership,
How many freshmen cheerleaders
have you had your dirty little fingers in
after a lacrosse game?
Huh?
Go home,
Yeah, I can smell them from here,
Go home,
wash off the Axe body spray
and wait for the next time that your mom
signs you up
for a bachelor date night
at your town's failing country club,
- Wow,
You blew it,
Guess who played piccolo their freshman year,
Peace,
- Whatever,
Small penis,
- It's bigger than yours,
- I can't even see it through your jeans,
Get out of here,
- That's cause they're dark,
- Oh, what gives Charlie Brown?
- Fuck you man,
I struck out,
- Her?
With her?
- Her?
- Yeah, I struck out with her,
What's happened to me?
- Fuck this,
- Like pirates
- I think it was Kirk tonight,
- Guys,
I'm calling in the nuclear option,
- No,
Not the man who's had more girls
than anyone in Cedar Valley,
- Yes,
The sultan of sliz himself,
- I do admire that man's sexual prowess,
- And send,
- She's doomed, - Oh boy,
- Sir, you have a message,
- Tyler,
Matt,
Harold,
- Mr, Lance,
Now might be a real good time
for you to get horny,
- It's my secret, Matt,
I'm always horny,
- Mr, Lance, - So cool,
- He called me Harold,
- Oh my god,
Are you Jeff Lance?
- You're goddamn right,
Bros, Jeff Lance,
- So what are you guys doing after this?
- Going to Cornstalk at Spicoli's,
- Oh really,
- I heard Carolina Spine is playing,
- Caroline
Spine,
- Caroline
Spine, - Get it right,
- I'm sorry,
- You know that song about Waterloo, right,
- Yes, called Mrs, Sullivan,
- Okay, so like about this Sullivan brothers and
all that jazz,
Okay, okay,
- So oh my god, right,
we gotta go,
- Yep, gotta go,
- Let's do this,
- Carolina Spine,
- Alright guys seriously,
get on the fucking horns,
We need a driver,
We gotta get down man,
Caroline's Spine,
- Okay, got it,
- Look at this, the initiative,
I love it,
Tyler the tool,
Does that say fucking Grinder?
- Yeah dude,
trying to get my butt hole licked,
- Can't meet a woman with a tongue strength
that I require,
- Tyler,
cool it with the butt stuff, bros,
I've done it,
- You got a ride?
- I'm a miracle worker,
- It can't be Lyft,
- Doth my eyes deceive me,
- There's this asian lady,
I climbed her great wall
like I was Mongolian,
Genghis Khan up in that bitch,
- This,
this is as poetic as Silvia Plath,
It is,
- Silvia Plath?
- It most certainly is,
- The chick that wrote Frankenstein?
- Harold's eyes doth not deceive him,
- Oh my god,
They should have sent a poet,
- They did,
- Like Robert Frost?
- It's gold doth stay,
- The Uber Jew,
the Jewish Uber driver
who is very Jewish,
hence he is
Uber Jew,
the greatest uber driver ever,
Fucking love that hebe,
Hey, he
who finds faithful friend
finds a treasure,
That's a Jewish proverb,
- Hey,
Bros got room for one more?
- Tanner!
- Hey,
- Turtles Reunion tour?
- you got to sit in the back,
- You got to sit bitch,
- Okay,
- Oh my god,
There hasn't been
anyone
as happy to see a Jew
since I don't know,
the disciples on first Easter,
- Starting with that right away, huh,
- Wait, so why are you back here again?
- Well, I moved back,
The cost of living in
Chicago was a little too high for me,
- Were you really in Chicago though?
Were you in Logan Square?
- I don't believe we've met, - Or more like Evanston?
- Well Schaumburg actually,
- I'm Harold,
No, we have not had the pleasure,
- Yeah, I was gonna say
I would remember that beard,
- Is it reminiscent of mahogany and ash?
- No,
- Dude, that fucking hat is sick,
I gotta get me one of those
with gold on it,
And instead of the star,
maybe use something like a knife
or like a or something,
- I think that would be a little much,
You know I have to say,
I'm a little surprised,
- Oh,
- To see
a hipster,
a tool,
and bros all in the same car,
I'm a little proud of you guys,
I am,
- Is it breaking your heart
that we're ride sharing right now?
- Kind of makes you wonder why
Israel and Palestine can't get along,
- You know, there's actually more to that,
- I know,
- And just like that crystal
knocked the whole coverup bullshit
you guys came up with,
I know a fucking scam
when you're trying to get that
window pane insurance money,
My dad sold them,
I know that he--
- Hey Tyler,
Crystal knock knock,
- Who's there?
- An inside job,
- And six million less Jews,
- You guys have not changed one bit,
- Why did you come back,
You were with your bubby you said,
And you were gonna work for your uncle,
- Well,
it ended up not working out,
- Is it bubby or booby?
- I'm not as good with the money
as I thought I was,
- That's the first you
I will ever admit that joke,
- So you weren't quite making six figures?
- We won't talk about it,
- They can't even make six inches,
- What are you doing?
Just rubbing nickles together
to making our money or what?
- Oh, I've missed you guys,
I really have,
- I just can't believe we found you on the app,
It was a Christmas miracle,
Oh sorry, a Hanukkah miracle,
- Yes,
- Does Hanukkah have miracles?
- You can say Christmas,
I'm not offended,
- I don't want to offend,
I just want to be historically accurate,
- We're not offended that you killed Christ,
- You know I really love riding with you,
You give us road scotch,
- Road scotch,
- Jesus Christ,
Glen Levit,
- At least it's single malt,
- Yeah,
- What, were they out of Cutty Sark or what?
- Hey, you never know when someone's
gonna stiff you,
I can't reach for the top shelf,
- You're like fucking Pauly
drinking,
- Even the middle shelf,
- Like that time Piccolo's had Doers,
Jesus,
- I thought they didn't have Doers,
I thought they had
like Lauders,
- Harold had water that evening,
- Yeah,
- What's your middle name?
- What's your date of birth?
- Oh my goodness,
I do not have time for this, okay,
I work two jobs,
got a kid,
I'm getting crow's feet,
Okay, I just want to go to the concert,
- Hmm, well head on in,
- Sounds good to me,
- She looks pretty good for 46,
- 105,7 KOKZ,
Iowa's classic hits,
My name is Craig Lowey,
You know where you need to be tonight,
You need to be at Spicoli's in Waterloo
because a fantastic band is coming to town,
Jimmy Newquist and Caroline's Spine
are gonna be in town,
I know these guys for a long time,
They have the hit song,
Sullivan, among others,
We definitely want you to get out
and support
not only Spicoli's,
but Jimmy Newquist and Caroline's Spine,
If you've never seen them live,
you are certainly missing out,
And we want you to experience
Caroline's Spine tonight,
Spicoli's in Waterloo,
Check it out,
- Erin McCool,
My life changed,
How are you?
- Cool dude,
- I prefer a handshake,
- Hey guys, this is James Patrick
at Rock 108,
Make sure you get to Spicoli's tonight
cause for one night only,
Jimmy Newquist,
Caroline's Spine
rocking the hell out of Spicoli's,
So make sure you're there tonight,
- Harry, how's it going?
- It's be better if you'd call me Harold,
- I keep forgetting,
- I prefer it,
- Well Harold, I got something special for you,
Here's something that you'll actually prefer
more than our water selection,
- Or your Doers?
- Or our Doers,
Alright, would Harold approve of this?
- Harold would approve,
- I'll pour you one up,
- It's better than Doers,
- There you are, Harold,
- You could have done without the ice, but,
- Hey, welcome back to the show
on press roll with the sports guy,
I'm Gary Rime
along with my in studio producer
and cohost to the program,
Chris Gobinacker,
We affectionately call him
the sports stud,
Hey sports stud,
I got a memo here,
Caroline's Spine
is playing in Waterloo at Spicoli's
on University Avenue tonight,
Hey wasn't there a Caroline Spine
that was a great American figure skater?
- You're close, Sports Guy,
Caroline Zont,
and she is a great American figure skater
that is a three time champion figure skater,
- Awesome,
Hey Sports Stud,
you know there's a
two time champion right here from Waterloo,
the Cedar Valley court kings,
our minor league basketball team,
- You're right Sports Guy,
back to back Midwest league basketball champions,
- Not to mention out own champions
on the ice,
on their skates,
the Waterloo Blackhawks Hockey Team
Anderson Cup Champions,
- It's impressive stuff,
- Oh, baby,
I love these teams,
- What's going on boys?
- What's up?
- Drink it you pig,
- Yeah,
- It's a good night,
Wow man, nice penises boys,
You especially,
Shit man,
- Dude,
no homo man,
- What do you mean?
No, there's nothing gay about that,
It's just me applauding another man's gift,
God clearly has blessed this young man,
- You're buying drinks, right?
- I'll put them on your tab,
Easy boys,
- See you,
- This is a song that introduced me to you guys,
♪ It's not hard to reach back into a day ♪
♪ Underneath that Iowa sun ♪
♪ Running to the tower of Waterloo ♪
♪ Looking for the Sullivan's train to come ♪
♪ And his five boys would run to the top ♪
♪ And salute him as he went by ♪
♪ First we'd wave hello ♪
♪ Then we'd wave goodbye ♪
♪ Goodbye ♪
♪ It's not hard to reach back to the days ♪
♪ After the attack on Pearl ♪
♪ Overnight my buddies turned into men ♪
♪ Running out of time for games and girls ♪
♪ And the Sullivan boys were not overlooked ♪
♪ Uncle Sam calling each by name ♪
♪ The very next day they left on a mystery train ♪
♪ Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs, Sullivan ♪
♪ And don't you cry, cry, cry, cry, cry ♪
♪ We regret to inform you ♪
♪ The Navy has taking your sons away ♪
♪ All five, five, five, five ♪
♪ So put your blue stars in the window ♪
♪ Your window ♪
♪ It's not hard to reach back to her smile ♪
♪ When she'd receive a letter ♪
♪ And the letters they sounded generally the same ♪
♪ Said if they couldn't be home ♪
♪ At least they were together ♪
♪ On a mighty fighting battleship ♪
♪ Somewhere in the South Pacific ♪
♪ The letters never got much more specific ♪
♪ Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs, Sullivan ♪
♪ And don't you cry, cry, cry, cry, cry ♪
♪ We regret to inform you ♪
♪ The Navy is keeping your sons away ♪
♪ All five, five, five, five ♪
♪ So keep your blue stars in the window ♪
John, can you bring the lights down a little bit?
Jut bring them on down a bit?
♪ It's not hard to reach back to the day ♪
♪ When the war finally came home ♪
♪ Uncle Sam, he'll send you a telegram ♪
♪ So he doesn't have to tell you over the phone ♪
♪ I heard she cracked up ♪
♪ When they found out what the war could cost ♪
♪ When all five of her boys ♪
♪ Were lost ♪
♪ They were ♪
♪ Say goodbye, bye, bye, Mrs, Sullivan ♪
♪ Go ahead and cry ♪
♪ We regret to inform you ♪
♪ That all your sons have passed away ♪
♪ All five, five, five, five ♪
♪ So change your blue star to gold ♪
♪ Blue star to gold ♪
♪ Come on mommy ♪
♪ Change them to gold ♪
- This is how it usually goes
in about every town,
People grow up,
They get married,
They have kids,
They move on,
The good times are cherished and remembered,
When you see the wold guy at the bar by himself,
drinking,
he was a bro one day too,
There are five Sullivan Bros
from this town
that would have loved to have been back here,
I try to remind myself of that as much as possible,
- Hey, it's Corey Ford with KFUK radio,
Okay, fuck Cedar Falls,
It's gonna be a great day in Iowa,
It's gonna be a great day in the Cedar Valley,
Our future
is bright,
And for the very last time,
this one goes out to the bros,
♪ They hate you for the reason ♪
♪ Found out all your faults ♪
♪ They hid behind ♪
♪ Picture perfect lies ♪
♪ They found you in the corner ♪
♪ Dusting for fingerprints ♪
♪ From pages painted pretty ♪
♪ Pictures of your sins ♪
♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
♪ Alright now ♪
♪ Put it on-on-on the table ♪
♪ Watch for shifting eyes ♪
♪ Serving cold revenge ♪
♪ With a side of spite ♪
♪ But satisfaction don't come easy ♪
♪ But to take it all with ease ♪
♪ Well I guess them guests ♪
♪ All just better leave ♪
♪ Give me ig-ig-ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ig-Ig-Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
♪ Alright now ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
♪ Give them ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪
♪ Give them ignorance ♪
♪ Give what you can give ♪
♪ Ignorance ♪
♪ Hit them with ♪
♪ What they give ♪