Hey, You need a ride?
So you're still riding the bus with all the ninth graders?
Okay, I like public transportation,
It lets me stay in touch with the youth,
What happens when all the youth get their licenses
and you're the last one on the bus?
Sick Top 40, bro,
It is sick, actually,
In what circles?
In all the circles, That's why it's Top 40,
Fuckin' touche,
You wanna hear sick?
Oh, no,
Oh,
What?
- Is it weird he isn't here? - Who?
Ben!
No,
Why?
Because you guys have a conjoined vagina,
You want a bite of my corned beef sandwich?
Uh-uh,
Why do you close yourself off to all of life's miracles like this? Live a little,
I don't wanna eat anything that has to be "corned,"
You don't like my corned beef sandwiches,,,
- you don't like my music, - Mmm-hmm,
I don't think that's how friends work,
I guess we have nothing in common,
Maybe we shouldn't be anymore,
We shouldn't be friends?
Yeah,
What do you say?
Not friends?
Not friends,
Okay,
I think we should have sex,
- In general? - No, I mean right now,
You're my little lemur,
You're my little panda bear,
I love panda bears!
- Fuckin' love lemurs, - Yeah,
Fourth time's the charm,
- Listen, Listen to me, - What?
It's getting really tiring hanging out with you
- while you're always on your phone, - You do the same thing to me!
You talk to Molly and Sally, I swear, for 45 minutes
- every time we hang out, - Are you kidding me?
You play your dumb little fuckin' video games all the time
with Ben on the other line, being like, "Meh-meh-meh-meh,"
- I'm driving you home, - I keep hearing fuckin' rumors,,,
from ninth grade about you getting blowies, which, by the way,
I don't know who even said, "blowie,"
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't give a fuck, Enjoy your meal,
I don't give a fuck,
,,,angry!
Okay, fine, you know what? Just let's,,,
What, are we posing like this? This is so fuckin' cliche, This is cliche,
Why did you choose Boston?
- April, have your salmon, - I'm not hungry,
Well, it's been two weeks, You need the omega threes,
- They help your brain, - What's wrong with my brain?
Honey! They're good for you,
Mom, she's allowed to be depressed,
- Thank you, - No one as good as Nick
will ever love her again,
Agnes, Show some compassion,
Yeah, Eat a dick, Agnes,
April, don't tell your sister to eat that,
- I'll eat Nick's dick, - Not okay,
You little perv, You don't even have your period yet,
- I do have my period, - Oh, yeah?
- Show me your tampon, - You,,,
You got your period and you didn't tell me?
Wow, You guys are gonna be single forever,
- No, we're not, - No, we're not,
Meanwhile, I'm gonna marry Nick and we're gonna own a yacht,
and a Jacuzzi, and a baby whale,
and we're all gonna live in Mexico in a beautiful Spanish-style house,
We're gonna have five kids and they're all
gonna be named after famous singers,
Let's see, We're gonna have Will,i,am, and we're gonna have Cher,
but we also gotta throw in some Beatle names,
so we'll have Paul McCartney and John Lennon,,,
Lemme get a Coke and a hot dog,
One Coke,
- And a hot dog, - That's gonna be $4 for the Coke,
Sorry, are you out of hot dogs?
- No, we have hot dogs, - Then,,, Then why,,,
Because the smell of your pig parts
are gonna ruin the cinematic experience for everyone,
Where's your manager?
Look, April, I like you,
You know, I,,, I like the way that blue shirt
brings out the brown in your eyes, you know, it's really stunning,
But you can't tell people what to order, okay?
Like, let them get the hot dogs,
- Okay, - Great,
That was a great talk, Really, really productive and,,,
Yeah,
Yo,
Yo! We're goin' out tonight,
I don't go out anymore,
It'll make you happy!
Are we going to a gun range?
We're going to Mordecai's,
Is that a temple?
It's a house party,
Don't even try to say no,
You need to get thirsty for a dick,
Yeah! Rebound dick!
Oh, it's the best kinda dick,
No, it's the second best,
- Wait, what's the best kind? - Love dick,
Don't talk about love in front of April!
Where the fuck did this Clara girl come from anyway?
- Her Instagram's on private, - Trick ass bitch,
I followed her from my fake account at TatianaRealicious,
Wait, she accepted someone named TatianaRealicious?
You dumb bitch,
You have a fake Instagram account that I don't know about?
Mmm,
You don't know everything about me,
When did you do that?
What is this photo of Shaquille O'Neal?
I saw Shaq at a bakery once,
I saw Kobe in a Petco,
It's so cool that they shop for their own pet paraphernalia,
Get this torture device away from me,
She's like
really pretty,
Oh,
- Sally! - Like, in a boring, classic way,
Shut up,
Ah, I love shots!
Me, too!
I miss Nick,
To the universe for testing us all,
Huh?
- I'm an existentialist, - Cool, I love horses, too,
All right,
Oh, yeah, your tits,
Ah, it smells bad in here,
You're a good kisser,
Yeah, yeah, Say,,, Say more stuff like that,
If you blow me, I'll fuck you,
What?
- April, April, - Get over here,
- She's here, - Who?
You know who,
- Is Nick with her? - We haven't seen him,
If this is too hard for you, we can go,
Or we can get you a Lyft and you can go,
I feel bad, I feel so bad,
- Should I say something to her? - Like what?
Like, "Hi, I'm April, I hear you're letting the boy I love cum inside you,"
- That's so weird, - Please don't ever say that,
So, they're like, "Oh,"
- Want some tequila? - Mmm-hmm,
- I have some coke, too, - I'd do a little coke,
- April? - Fucking Judas,
What the fuck?
"What the fuck" to you, Benjamin,
Uh, yeah, sorry, so I've been to like three bedrooms already,
You were not specific, and this is a big-ass house,
Are you having sex with her, too?
What? Clar,,, No, no, we're just friends,
No, who the hell is this girl? How come I've never heard of her?
Okay, Clara, uh, her parents are like my godparents,
and we kinda grew up together and we used to take baths,
- With each other, You know? - Oh!
That's so cute, Tell me more,
Right, I don't know why this is a thing, you know,
'cause she's, like, moved here, she doesn't have any friends,,,
And you thought,
"Before I show her the Chinese Theatre,
she should see Nick's penis?"
I didn't think that,
but maybe she hasn't seen it yet,
I'm gonna break into your house and force feed you ghost peppers,
- That's incredibly specific, - I am gonna hunt you down
when you're old and you're sick,
and I'm gonna turn off the oxygen,
I'm gonna tell weird stories at your funeral,
- so no one remembers you accurately, - Okay,
I don't wanna play your death threat game,
and I don't wanna be in the middle of whatever weird, toxic shit,,,
You're not in the middle, You're fuckin' taking their side!
I'm not taking their side, because there are no sides, April,
- You're making this up, It's all in your head, - Yes, you are,
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey!
This is a private area,
Right, It's my parents' bedroom,
Mordecai?
Yes?
- That's Mordecai, - It is,
- Ben, do you know this person? - I do know this person,
- You know this person? - We're leaving,
- Thank you, - We're leaving,
You're so strict,
So strict, Okay,
Bedrooms are off limits, guys,
It's not me, Mordecai,
Hi,
You're April,
Uh-huh,
Clara,
I'm aware,
Have,,, Have you seen keys for a Volvo?
No,
Is that it?
No, I just,,, I saw you walking in here and I thought
maybe I should say something,
About your keys?
No, forget the keys, That was just like an icebreaker,
It's still icy as fuck in here,
Okay,
Maybe this was a bad idea,
That's astute,
I didn't know about you until two days ago,
Also, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna throw up,
if that makes you feel any better,
A little,
Do you wanna go do a shot?
I don't drink,
♪ Bling-bling, bitch Do my own thing, bitch
♪ Fuck a wedding ring
♪ That ding a ling was just a fling, bitch
♪ Looking out for my mama and my day one bitches
♪ Independent women We accumulatin' riches
♪ Blowing haters kisses Forever fly misses
You know this song!
I don't really,,, Not really,
You know, I can hear you singing it,
- I don't know, - That's not the rules,
You have to sing if you know the song, You know I'm right,
- I don't know,,, - You know I'm right, You have to, Come on,
♪ Lemme tell you how bitches really be
♪ Here's me, here's JP
♪ Reportin' live from the streets
♪ And you best believe
♪ That I got the keys And I got the trees
♪ And I got the tweets
♪ Ain't no stopping these prophecies
♪ Am I a thot for lovin' Ciroc
♪ Gucci or not I'm a cheat 'cause I got
♪ All my hot girls with me and we
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties
- Yes, yes, yes, yes! - You can do that,
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties
Come on,
♪ Dance around and bounce those titties
♪ Bling-bling, bitch Do my own thing, bitch
♪ Fuck a wedding ring
♪ That ding a ling was just a fling, bitch
♪ Bling-bling, bitch Do my own thing, bitch,,,
Oh, fuck,
♪ Eenie, minnie, moe How many niggas is ready to go?
♪ Down on a bitch for the Galaxy 4
♪ 99 reasons why niggas ain't shit
♪ Shit is not funny The mission is critical
♪ Setting yourself up for disses and ridicule
♪ Talk to these hoes and I got them to switch on you
♪ Talked to ya mom and now she gonna shit on you ♪
I can hold my own hair,
You were the one who was supposed to puke,
Sorry,
How do you feel?
Hungry,
Oh,
I saw some fancy cheese in the fridge,
- Please, stop, - Stop what?
Why are you being so nice to me?
What, I mean, what? Do you want me to be like a bitch to you?
Kind of,
I want a reason to give you a black eye,
God, your eyes are pretty,
Your eyes are pretty,
And your boobs, they're like,,,
really good,
No,
It's a push-up bra, Feel,
Could I ask you something?
Yeah,
Why isn't Nick here with you?
I don't know, Ask Ben,
- They are so gay together, - I know,
I'm gonna,,,
You have to go?
Yeah,
They look friendly,
They're not friendly, they're just,,,
my friends,
Well, it was nice to meet you,
Yup, It was less bloody than I envisioned,
Take my number,
I,,, Uh,,,
What?
What about,,,
Nick,
Yeah, That person,
I don't have to tell him,
Well,,,
good luck with your keys, I'm,,,
Oh, my God, just take my phone number,
Have you lost your damn mind?
What happens when she gets jealous?
I'm not forcing her to hang out with me,
Oh, yeah, you just gave her your cell phone number for what?
- Shits and gigs? - Chill, Benjamin,
Oh, my God, You know, you and April are the only two people
who call me that?
Which is exactly why we should be friends,
That's a really flimsy argument,
What if I'm the one who gets jealous?
Why,,, Why would you get jealous?
Because she's like the,,, The long-term ex,
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure relationships with sex
take priority over relationships, you know, without sex,
Then I guess we're just gonna have to scissor,
Look, I'm asking you to do me a favor, okay?
- It depends, - Are you kidding me?
I helped you with all those fucking shelves with the Swedish names,,,
Then what is it?
Just don't hang out with April,
And if you do, please, stop hooking up with Nick,
Huh? Just pick one,
Send it,
What if you don't respond?
Why would I give you my number?
Well,,,
Maybe Nick is balls deep inside you,
Maybe,
But on the other hand,,,
fuck it,
Send,
- So, you know I,,, - What do you,,,
- You go, - No, you,
I was just gonna say, I stalked you on Instagram,
- You did? - Yeah, like 106 weeks,
Well, I stalked you, too,
but, uh, only made it to that Shaquille O'Neal post,
I just wanna hug him, you know?
- Sure, - And fuck him,
Wait, how did you see that photo? My account's on private,
I had a friend follow you from a fake account,
Your friend is TatianaRealicious?
- Yes, - Oh, my God,
that answers so many questions,
Did,,, Okay,
So you're just not going to school?
I mean, I might, one day,
I forgot that's even an option,
What made you move here?
I don't know, Just to move here, Fresno sucks,
That's so baller,
Yeah, I'm ballin' real hard using my employee discount to buy oven mitts,
- You can cook, too? - What, you can't cook?
I put chocolate in the microwave before,
with, like, some marshmallows and stirred peanut butter in,
- and I can eat that, - Don't tell people that,
Someone's coming, What do I do?
Nothing,
Hi,
Hello, dog,
You never peed outside before?
What do you use for toilet paper?
You drip dry,
It's pooling against my shoe!
Just take the test again,
I can't bring my mom's car to Boston,
Well, yeah, but at some point in your life you're gonna want your own,
I do have my learner's permit,
That's good,
It's expired,
Oh,
Nick used to get so pissed having to drive me everywhere,
What the fuck is up with his tinted windows?
He thinks he's a drug lord, clearly,
Right, because all drug lords drive around in their shitty Jettas,
listening to Carly Rae Jepsen,
He truly loves her,
He's not being ironic?
- No, - Fuck,
Did he always used to put your nose in his mouth?
Literally all the time,
What, is that supposed to be sexy?
I have no idea, I actually had to Google it,
What about when he grabs your boob like it is a tightly-sealed jar?
- Okay, thank you, - Yes,
I would get freakin' bruises,
What about when he refers to his dick as a quidditch stick?
He,,, He hasn't done that with me,
I think we should make some rules,
- I concur, - Cool,
First rule, no talking about Nick,
Second rule, no telling Nick,
Ooh, Okay, so rule 2B should be no social media,
- That's so smart, - Yeah,
And if things get weird, we have to tell each other,
- These are really good rules, - Yeah,
I feel like we're in Fight Club,
Yeah, You can be Brad Pitt and I'll be George Clooney,
Well, you can be George Clooney if you want, but he wasn't in Fight Club,
Oh, Well, I watched it when I was on whip-its,
Okay, is this crazy?
Probably,
So, um, should we, like, make out now, or,,,
I did already touch your boob,
- That's true, - Yeah,
Good night,
Just so, um, we're clear, I'm not actually a lesbian,
I feel like I've been giving you some lesbian undertones and, like,,,
I did,,, I did, uh, make out with my friend Sally once,,,
but I didn't enjoy it,
- I was worried, I'm glad, - Yeah,
Thank you for the clarification,
You can drive away now,
- Bye! - Bye!
Whoo! Clara!
No!
- I got him for you, - For me?
It's bad,
Clara to the stockroom,
Clara, please come to the back,
Yep, That's what we're gonna do,
Do you want a bite of my patty melt?
I'll have a bite of the bread part,
Just the toast?
- I don't wanna ingest weird meat, - No,
Open your mind,
Right there, The cheesy part,
Fine,
- Oh, my God, Mmm, - It's so good, right?
- What? - Nothin',
Just the first time I get to see you guys in action,
And?
And I feel like a traitor,
Oh, you're blowing this out of proportion,
Yeah, maybe we measure proportions differently, you and I,,,
And Nick,
- Are you gonna tell him? - Hmm?
- Are you a rat, Benjamin? - Yeah, a cheese-eating rat?
Do you wanna know what happens to rats?
- They get their toes cut off, - They get shanked in their sleep,
They get their carbon monoxide detectors disabled,
They get their sunscreen stolen, you ginger fuck,
There it is,
Yeah,
You guys are perfect for each other, you know that?
Oh, shoot,
- Oh, I need to take mine, too, - Yeah,
What?
- Benjamin, what day is it? - It is Tuesday,
- Tuesday, - Tuesday,
So, what's up with April?
You mean Clara?
No, I saw Clara yesterday,
I meant April,
Don't go to your weird, silent place,
Give me the shit,
Um,,,
Yeah, uh, I don't really know,
I guess she's,,, She's still, um, working at The Palace,
Hmm,
Is she hookin' up with anyone?
I'm way too high for this shit,
Dude, what shit?
Look, she doesn't tell me anything because she knows I'd tell you,,,
So, you are talking to her, then,
Let's not talk about 'em back to back like this, It makes everything weird,
All right, dude, You're the one who brought her up, not me,
What? Which one?
Clara, dude, Are you okay?
Ooh, you're done, dude,
You're toast,
It's a normal question,
I don't know,
How many people have entered you?
Can we not talk about my vagina like it's a room, please?
I asked you first,
One,
So,,,
Yeah,
Got it,
- And? - What?
- It's your turn, woman, - Mmm,,,
- Four,,, - That's not that bad,
,,,teen,
What? There's not a lot to do in Fresno,
I'm not judging you,
Good, 'cause if I were a man, you'd call me awesome,
Well, you are awesome,
I don't even think I know 14 full people,
Who were they?
Well,,,
I lost my virginity to Henry,
It took him three times to break my hymen,
And then, there was Dario,
He was an exchange student from Palermo,
and he taught me how to make pasta,
He also gave me chlamydia,
So who was number three?
Oh, no, Dario was, like, number six,
I'm just giving you the highlights,
What, you want me to tell you about all 14 of them, you weirdo?
And then there was Micah,
From summer camp,
We were counselors together,
And then he cheated on me,
I really liked him,
God, I just wanna be disrespected like once,
You really don't,
Were any of them serious?
Not really,
What about Ben?
What about him?
Have you ever,,,
Oh, my God, no!
That would be like incest, Not the hot kind,
What is the hot kind of incest?
It's like a sexy stepbrother or something,
You should do Ben,
Oh, I don't know, I can't picture him having an actual penis, you know?
Oh, no, he does,
I mean, unless some sort of accident has happened since our baths,
Ah, Yes, your famous baths,
A massive baby peen,
You know, Ben is also best friends with,,,
Right,
- And you and Nick, you're,,, - Rules,
Oh, right,
Hey, baby,
Hey,
I've really missed you,
You don't know how lost I've been without you,
That's all I've wanted to hear,
I was only gone for five minutes,
What?
I should've been with you from the very beginning,
Hello?
My little panda bear,
You're my little lemur,
I'm the lemur, I'm the lemur!
I fuckin' love lemurs,
Driver? Shut the partition,
'Cause we gonna fuck!
It sucks being third wheel, huh?
Where have you been?
You know, just hangin' out,
With who?
Various people, Get out of my closet,
So you're rebound fucking?
What? No,
Rebounds are healthy, I had two after your father found Maria,
- Mom, - What the fuck, Mom?
Look, I am a three-dimensional human being who's had sex,
And UTIs,
And I have this little vibrator, and I have had many orgasms,
Your father put his penis into me and you two came out,
- Stop talking forever! - Okay, never again, Mom!
Fine, Fine,
Who is the rebound with?
If you say you're back with Nick, I'll actually kill myself,
It's not Nick, It's not a rebound, It's just, like, this girl,
Oh, shit!
- That's not what I meant, - What did you mean?
Do you just finger each other really hard?
Okay! It is platonic, and can you leave now?
How did you know about fingering?
I'm 13, Mom, I know all about fingering,
I find that shocking, I did not know about fingering until college,
I find that shocking after your history lesson on your vagina,
I did that to illustrate a point, not to humiliate your sister,
A whale!
What?
There was no whale,
I just want your attention,
- Oh, I'm just tryin' to get my shift covered at work, - Hmm,
Okay,
Can we roll around and make out now?
- Yes, - Finally,
People think that Pirates of the Caribbean
was like the best adaptation of a Disneyland ride,
but I really don't think Tomorrowland got enough credit,
Tomorrowland is a land, not a ride,
Hmm, That's actually a really good point,
Would you wanna go sometime?
I have,,, I have a Platinum Pass,
Oi! Krillholtz!
Yeah, Yup,
Really quick,
You ready to go?
I mean, yes, but technically I have like two more hours of this,
Here you go,
For when you have real keys one day,
Clara,
Okay, don't be weird about it, It's just a keychain,
Okay, let's go,
Where are we going? Where do you wanna go?
Wherever your heart desires,
Okay,
- Palm Springs? - What's in Palm Springs?
I don't know, It's pretty far,
Ooh, maybe we could get mochis from Trader Joe's,
No, fuck that, We're going to Palm Springs,
My dear,,,
I don't do deep breaths,
Just breathe, Look, He's right there, It's gonna be super simple,
Palm Springs, Palm Springs, Palm Springs,
Oh, my God,
I heard acid can get, like, stuck in your spinal column
and then you have flashbacks forever,
Yeah, Less talking and more drugs, please,
Maybe when we're home, when we're in like a really familiar environment,,,
You're welcome,
The colors,
Lango Faringi!
Snucky plonko!
Garmu!
Are mine too blue?
Huh,
I think it means you have enough oxygen,
Or it means something is wrong with me,
and that's why I'm always really cold,
Is this betters?
What am I gonna do when I'm freezing in Boston without you?
Wear a jacket made of my skin,
Okay, but,,,
how am I gonna make friends?
What are you talking about? You're gonna make so many new friends,
I'm not cool and confident like you,
I can't just move somewhere and figure everything out,
Are you kidding me?
I have nothing figured out, You, you have,,,
this whole path,
I really don't,
At least you have a plan,
I suck at making plans,
I don't even know what I care about,
What about canary school?
Like studying birds?
- I meant,,, You know what I meant? - Hmm?
I meant culinary,
I made dinner for you one time, Once,
Yeah, but you'd be like the coolest chef on the planet,,,
like with a bunch of tattoos, getting to cook pasta all day,
I miss my family,
You can have mine,
Can I meet them?
You really want to?
I really do,
Hey,
Hmm?
You're my best friend,
I learned about Fresno once during social studies,
It was part of the Gold Rush,
Interesting, But I don't think it was,
Well, maybe I'm confused,
Maybe Fresno is just famous for having a bunch of whorehouses,
Agnes,
I, uh,,, I drove through Fresno once on my way to San Francisco,
It looked really nice,
Oh, Well, that's because you didn't stop,
So, how long have you been here?
- A month and a half, - Oh, do you like it?
Yeah, I'm still tryin' to figure everything out, but yeah,
How did you and April meet?
How about you let her chew her food, Mom?
No, Mom, That was such a great question,
I mean, considering she's fucking Nick,
I am seriously going to fuck you up,
- Girls! - Maybe I should go,
No! Agnes should go,
Why are you mad at me? You should be mad at her!
- You're insane, - I'm in love,
With my ex-boyfriend!
You mean with her current boyfriend, you dumbass!
Okay, I'm sorry, She loves Nick?
Stay out of it, slut!
All right, Are you really seeing him?
Thank you, Thank you for the salmon,
- Good riddance, - Clara,,,
Suck my dick, Agnes,
- You suck my dick, - You suck my dick,
- You suck my dick! - No, you suck my dick!
Enough with the dick sucking!
Wow, This is impressive wrapping,
Are you sayin' I'm smelly?
Sometimes,
Do you want your real present?
Yes,
For you,
- You love it? - No way! No way!
- It's limited edition, - I know, I love it!
Holy cow! Yeah!
No! Stop!
I don't wanna smell like a boy!
Spare some shampoo, Dumbledore?
Oh,
You mean this bottle of Pantene, which is actually a horcrux?
Accio Pantene,
Wingardium leviosa Pantene,
Protego Pantene,
Expecto patronus Pantene,
- Do you like this manly beard? - Yes, I do,
I love you,
I love you harder,
- Great, Yeah, - Did you see that?
- I thought,,, - Yeah, right, It's beginner's luck,
- You look so cute, You're so cute, - Natch,
Santa Barbara's not that far,
I could come see you on the weekends,
Yeah,
- So should I just invite Nick, or,,, - That's not funny,
- I think it'd be pretty funny, - Well, we don't,
April gets to invite her friend, Why can't I invite mine?
- I'm your friend, too, Ben, - Ah, but you're also Nick's,
- Can you not say his name? - Why?
Because we have rules,
Oh, yeah, that's, uh,,, That's great,
That's really gonna keep this whole thing together, huh?
And speak of the devil,
Okay,
Hey, Nick, buddy,
Hey, what's up? You wanna go eat?
Yeah, actually I'm eating right now,
- I 'm gonna fucking kill you, - Um,,,
With my cousin,
Ger,,, Gerald,
You have a cousin named Gerald?
Well, where are you at? I'll just come meet you,
- He wants to meet up, - Tell him you're far away, dingus,
I'm,,, I'm far away, At a fair,
- You're at a fair? - No,
- Don't say "affair," - Not "affair,"
A fair, as in like a fair with a Fer,,, Ferris wheel,
Not "affair,"
He's my cousin, that would be,,,
That would be incest,
And not the hot kind,
You're digging a hole,
Yeah, buddy, anyway, me and Gerald are just diggin' holes
- at the fair, and, um,,, - Dude,
How fucked up are you right now?
You wanna hang up the phone now?
I gotta,,, Gerald's,,, I gotta, man,,,
I gotta go, I love you, though,
Be safe, Bye! Bye, Bye,
- What the fuck was that? - Why would you pick up?
Oh, why would you put me in this position?
How 'bout that?
See how easy that was?
That was,,,
You guys are like two geniuses who use the pull-out method, you know?
One day you're gonna fuck while you're ovulating,
and you're going to have a baby,
Well, I like the pull-out method, so,,,
Holy shit,
And he knows,
Why is he calling you?
I don't know,
He's outside right now, With a machete,
And he's gonna cut us into cubes,
and he's gonna put us in trash cans all over the city,
I'm gonna let it go to voicemail,
You should see what he wants,
What?
Okay,
Um,,,
- Hello? - Hey, dawg,
How can I help you?
By not talking to me like you're a robot,
- How can I help you, Nick? - That's better,
Thank you,
I just wanted to call and say thanks for the text,
I didn't know what to write back,
- Uh-huh, - So I just called instead,
which, I guess, creates the same kinda problem,
Yeah, it kinda does, So, um,,,
Hey, I'm sorry about Clara,
You know, it just,,, It happened really fast and,,,
Yeah, Um, you don't need to explain anything,
Ben says that she's a great girl,
Well,,,
Okay,
Bye,
Bye, April,
You just really felt the need to text him "Happy Birthday"?
You know, me talking to him or not talking to him wasn't specified rules,
Because it's,,, so obvious,
Are you still in love with him?
No,
Are you in love with him?
No,
I would tell you that,
There's a party on Saturday,
You wanna go together, like, in disguise?
Is it that Bruno Shabaz thing?
Yeah, You know about that?
Yeah,
Uh, Nick's going,
Okay, so let's just skip it,
I was probably just gonna go with him,
Yeah,
So,,,
I'll just skip it,
Cool,
Well, whatever, I'm so over high school parties anyways,
- Yeah, me, too, - Yeah, we've evolved,
Your ID is kinda bootleg, though,
It says you're vision impaired?
I did that for realism,
Okay, but it says that you're 5'11",
That was a typo,
You should've got it done from these guys that we met,
- They're Romanian, - Mmm-hmm,
I mean, if I don't get in, we can just do something else,
You're gonna get in, It's gonna be fun,
Yay,
Oh, we're gonna miss you so much!
Oh, you have to visit us in Miami!
Oh, my God,
Oh, my God!
Bold move, Krillholtz,
Are they in the vicinity?
Why? What do you have planned?
Nothing, I wanna stay as far away as humanly possible,
Right, Okay, they're over there,
- so we're gonna go this way and have a great time,,, - Thanks, Ben,
That's not chill,
What'd you expect?
- Thank you, - Mmm,
Pass me that bottle of brown stuff,
I'm not passing you licorice schnapps,
Why not?
Because you're not a homeless person,
Ugh!
- Well, that's rich, - What?
Ah,
Hmm,
- Are you okay? - Yeah,
It's just, uh,,, that girl Ben was with earlier,,,
You mean your ex-girlfriend?
How do you know about that?
I have the Internet,
Who's Brad Pitt?
Um, that is my friend, Olivia, from home,
We're just, like, obsessed with Fight Club,
Maybe we should just go,
Why should we go? She can go,
Right, but you know what? I'll split the Lyft with ya,
we can get some food on the way, It'll be dope, Let's bounce, Let's go,
I just got here, Why is everyone always tryin' to get me to leave the party?
Everyone isn't, Ben is, in order to save lifelong relationships,
You know what? Let's just stay,
And have fun,
Yeah, okay, Fuck it,
- Let's have fun, Cheers, - Yeah,
Do you wanna go?
No, Why?
I mean, I don't know if you're uncomfortable she's here,
I'm not uncomfortable,
Okay,
Is it uncomfortable for you?
No,
I'm not uncomfortable at all,
You know, there's a, like, a really wicked EDM scene in Boulder,
and they do, like, these insane laser shows at Red Rocks,
I didn't know you were a laser enthusiast,
I'm a huge laser enthusiast,
That's one of the many things that you don't know about me,
I'm sorry,
Man, it's gonna be weird when we don't see each other regularly,
I mean, you could always come visit me,
For sure,
I'm gonna bring my laser arsenal,
- I mean, that was implied, - Yeah,
One goes like, "Pew-pew-pew,"
The others are like, "Zing-zong, zing-zong,"
- Your lasers make noises? - Uh-huh,
Okay, That's,,, That's cool,
Oh,
Let's just go say hi,
Uh,,,
It's just weirder not to,
- Hey, guys, - Oh! Sorry,
This is the dance party area, For dancers,
- Yo! Nick, what's up, man? - What's up, man?
Um, April, this is Clara,
Nice to meet you,
Nice to meet you, too, Claire,
It's Clara,
You have a very firm handshake,
- Very strong, - So do you,
- Do you work out? - Do I work out my hands?
Okay, I'm so glad we can all be here, and it's not awkward,
Right,
Not all of us are as drunk as you are,
Well, it is the last party of our high school,
Seems like you're having a difficult time moving on,
Should we get shots? I want shots, Shots,
- Yes, please, Nick? - Yes! Can't wait,
Yes, That would be great, I'll take one,
Can we go, please?
Actually, we're just gonna go,
Yeah?
Go ahead and say it,
Say what?
Everything,
I'm an idiot,
I don't think we should do this in front of Steve,
- Oh, fuck Steve! Come on, - Jesus!
This is what you've been waiting for, Lay it on me,
Yeah, well, what are you? A dock worker?
- Lay it on me! - No yelling in the Lyft, please,
Look, I don't have to tell you you're an idiot, You know you're an idiot,
- Well, she's the one who started it, - We're not six years old, April!
Oh, don't yell in the Lyft, Ben!
I thought you wanted me to lay it on you,
Well, I changed my mind,
- What is it you want? - I don't know,
- Sorry, - Get out!
Like, get out here?
Yeah, let's stop,
- It's there, - What?
Nothing,
Okay,
- I'm gonna order a new car, - Absolutely,
- Surging, - Is it?
Are you here to murder me?
I don't think murderers tell their victims they're outside,
Where's Clara?
I don't know, She's at home,
Did you leave with Ben last night?
We split a Lyft,
Clara's tits looked pretty vibrant last night,
Can we not talk about her?
Why?
She's your girlfriend,
She's not my girlfriend,
Then what is she?
This isn't the conversation I wanna have,
What conversation did you wanna have?
I think about you all the time,
And then, seeing you last night,,,
You broke up with me!
- You broke up with me, - After you brought it up,
That was hypothetical,
Don't you miss me at all?
Oh,
Okay, Oh!
We out, motherfucka!
Fuck you, Ms, Leinart!
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
- I hate your blazers! - I hate you, Dad!
Attention,
April Krillholtz eats hummus with her fingers,
Attention, Nick Ellis can't pronounce the word "arugula,"
Arugyula,
- Arugula, - Arugyula,
Arugula,
Attention, April Krillholtz used to flirt with me in history class,
Oh, my God, You texted me cute little monkey emojis
while we were learning about genocide,
Yeah,
It's 'cause I had a demented crush on you,
I'm pretty sure that you had a crush on me, too,
Attention, I'm pretty sure that you had a crush on me, too,
I don't recall,
So then, we just,,,
dated for two years after that because,,,
I had a huge crush on you,
- You fucking lying whore, - What?
He broke up with me,
Hey!
- He just showed up at my house, - Oh, really?
How long after you showed up at the party?
- That's not why I went, - Okay, Why'd you go?
I had English with Bruno Shabaz, You don't even know him!
Bruno Shabaz is not the point!
If it were the other way around, you would've gone,
You don't fucking know that!
You loved boxing me out of my own life,
And you loved making me your creepy boyfriend placeholder,
That's not true!
Using me so you could sneak your way back to him!
Well, at least you got everything you wanted,
acting like,,, Like he was your wife and I was your mistress,
I'm sure you would've loved that, April,
What the fuck does that mean?
I am not the one that's fucked like half of Fresno,
Have fun on your bus ride back to Mommy's,
I was with him for two years, You were with him for two months,
You know you're fired, right?
You've, uh, exhibited limited personal growth, so,,,
We have to tell Nick,
About you and Clara?
About you and me,
That's a hilarious joke,
Just to be clear, you were also in those bushes, buddy,
I'm developing an ulcer talking to you right now,
You're 18 years old, You're not developing an ulcer,
Funny story, I actually had an ulcer when I was 12,
You should see a doctor, then,
I did,
He told me to avoid stressful situations,
He's gonna find out eventually,
Well, isn't that the most familiar sentence in the history of this fucking summer, I,,,
I know, I just,,,
We're all leaving,
Right, And before we go to college, we should all hate each other,
Forever,
I feel like if we have this shit hanging over our heads,
then we would hate each other forever,
Shit that you created,
At least this gives us some kind of chance,
We could do it together,
Strength in numbers,
I feel like an asshole,
You're not the asshole,
Obviously,
You're the asshole,
Okay, well, there's one other thing,
I'm friends with Clara,
Or, we were friends,
Are you Brad Pitt?
I wasn't trying to hurt you, Or,,,
I was, I was trying to hurt you at first,,,
but then I just really liked her,
Please don't let me ruin things for you and Ben,
Oh,
Whenever you're ready,
Hey,
Want half this cookie?
Is it sativa or an indica?
It's a hybrid,
No hat,
What do you think?
I'll be home in two months,
I've never been away from you for more than two weeks,
Seems like the world will keep spinning,
Yeah, you have this little strumpet to keep you company,
- Kiss my fat ass, - You kiss my fat ass,
- You kiss my fat ass,
No! We were going to have one dinner
that does not end in talk of kissing asses and sucking dicks,
Your mouths are staying away from each other's genitals,
Your mouths are staying on your faces
and eating this fucking salmon that I made,
You're my daughters, my only two daughters,
and you're growing up, and April is going off to college,
and we are gonna make a very fucking nice memory!
All right, they do this in France,
Ooh!
I'll clean that up,
All right, Cheers,
Mom, you are so cool right now,
Yeah, I know, Thank you,
Just so you know, I'm over Nick,
You can have him, if you want,
Oof, He peaked in the 11th grade,
But there's a boy in my class I've been texting,
Isn't that a little young for you?
He shaves,
- Hey, is April here? I just need to talk to her for,,, - Ugh!
That girl's here!
I,,, I kinda had this whole speech planned,,,
but I'm not really sure if it was any good,
I'd still be interested in hearing it,
Well,,,
basically the main thing was,
I'm sorry for getting angry at you because you were upset,
that I was fucking your ex-boyfriend,
If you follow that,
I do, Yeah,
And I'm sorry for throwing Icee at your face,
You threw it at my boobs,
I was aiming for your face,
Well, I deserved it,
You were right,
I went to that party because I was jealous you were with him,
I know,
But really, I was jealous that he was with you,
I had a lot of fun with you this summer,
Me, too,
I'm sorry I fucked it up,
Well, can we un-fuck it up? I mean, when do you leave?
Tomorrow, At 3:00,
So,,,
Oh,
I was gonna show up at your door in the morning,
I was gonna drive there,
Because I drive now,
You got your license? Krillholtz!
So,,,
where are we going?
You're the one that's leaving, You choose,
- So you're staying in LA? - For now,
I'm thinking about checkin' out some canary schools,
'Cause I'll be back in November,
- Mmm-hmm, - And December,
And summer, so June, July, August,
And we can FaceTime,
So, like, a long-distance relationship,
Exactly, But without the sex,
Good, Because I love you, but I'm not gonna have sex with you,
What'd you say?
I said we are never fucking,
You said you loved me,
Oh, my God,,, Yeah, I love you, Don't ruin the moment,
But I want to ruin it! I love you, too,
I love you so much!
Okay, but you, you love me,
- Where are we going? - I don't know,
All right,
You love me,
Oh, God,