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[narrator] The tale of the great knight,,,
always begins
in a troubled land,
A place where the people have lost their way,
Here, they chose distractions,,,
over actions,
They fought with their love,
rather than for them,
They ran from,
instead of toward, their enemies,
They became lost and alone,
And the only thing they ever killed,,,
was time,
It was a land in need of a hero,
Danny Kehoe was a hero,
though he didn't yet know it much,
Even as a child, he had been unique,
But for this, he had been tormented,
And eventually, he retreated from the world,
Hidden away in his ivory tower,
He was alone and safe,
And he was happy,
[in French accent] Excellent,
[narrator] But hiding, for a hero,,,
[thuds]
-,,,is always temporary, -[car door shuts]
[clatters]
-[switch clicks] -[light crackles]
-Aah,
[clicks]
[sighs]
[chair rustles]
[thuds]
[sighs]
[car engine starting]
[Danny] Wait!
I need the books,
I'm the only one who cares for them,
You gotta give them to me,
I can't do it, brah,
I gotta take them back to this disposal place,
Right here, see?
[upbeat music]
[narrator] Danny returned to his ancestral home,
It was, however, already occupied
by his niece,
A kind and ordinary maiden,
She busied herself with ordinary things,
And she was sure that her uncle would do the same,
[squeaking]
[narrator] But Danny had taken possession
of the books,
"Lord of the World!"
[narrator] And the books soon took possession of Danny,
Liberated from the bonds of work,
he devoted himself,,,
-[swords clanging] - ,,,solely to the texts,
And began to see that these were not just tales,
these were histories,
True accounts of real heroes,
kings, knights, maidens, and monsters,
"Amadee!"
[Danny mumbling in distance]
-Uncle Danny? -[Danny] "Lord of the World,
know that the glory,,,
-[Janelle] Uncle Danny! -,,,he has,,,"
[sighs]
Up you go,
[calm music]
I'm gonna close these shutters, so you can sleep in,
You need rest,
[narrator] And once you've seen life
as what it can be,
it's no longer possible to see it as it is,
Suddenly,
the world itself was filled
with symbols, meanings, and signs,
[rustling]
[coins clinking]
Change?
Change,
Change, Yes,
[coins clink]
[calm music]
[sighs]
[doorbell chimes]
[man] There ain't enough room for Kevin!
[woman] You never said a damn word
about it before!
[man] It's a dumbass idea!
[narrator] And as always,
the hero's path was guided
by the gentle hand of fate,
-[tire screech] -[thuds]
[splatters]
[crickets chirping]
[Janelle sighs] What am I gonna do with you?
You could have been killed,
With your stupid books,
[sighs]
[tranquil music]
[flames crackling]
[narrator] The poor niece was simply afraid,
She could not understand the power of the ancient books,
[thuds]
[flames crackling]
[tranquil music]
[coughing]
[thuds]
[groaning, coughing]
[footsteps rustling]
[coughing]
[Danny as Amadis] Danny Kehoe!
You've suspected all your life,
that this was not the world where you belonged,
Yes, you know what this means,
No,
[Danny as Amadis] Who in all the world would steal
the sacred texts of knight-errantry?
Who rides a beast that leaves behind
such a trail of sulfurous breath?
[gasps]
Yes, Yes, Freston,
The enchanter, Freston the Wise
and his accursed dragon,
[Danny as Amadis] And who, pray tell,
is the lone enemy, throughout time,
of that foul sorcerer?
[stutters] Freston,
Freston attacks, only true knights-errant,
Only the greatest among them,
[Danny as Amadis] The enchantment is lifted,
Now, at long last,
you can cast aside this sad illusion
and see your true self,
Your true destiny,
[as Danny] Yes!
[Danny as Amadis] Reject this tedious prison,
Embrace the code of knight-errantry,
and find the true glory
into which you were born,
Yes!
"For a true knight prays,
with every breath,
a glorious life,
a glorious death!"
[metal clanging]
[Danny as Amadis] You will wander the earth,
seeking adventures,
You will slay a hideous giant,
liberate the oppressed,
retrieve a sacred relic,
heal broken hearts,
and teach the code of chivalry
to the weak and the orphaned,
And in your success,
the people will sing and dance in your glory,
[upbeat music]
[clanging]
[suspenseful music]
[grandiose music]
[armor clinking, squeaking]
[narrator] And so, flags unfurled,
the great knight set out to claim his glory
and win the love of the people,
[Narrator]But as the histories had taught him,,,
[horn blaring]
,,,glory and fame
require a glorious name,
To your knees, knave! I am Sir Daniel!
[Danny] I am Lord Kehoe the magnanimous,
No, Dan the illustrious?
Dan the industrious, No,
[Danny] Sir Sansabelle,
El Pescator,
Monsieur de la Hoosey!
Don,,, Oh!
Don, Don, Don, Something,
Don Daniel de la Kehoe,
Don Danny! No,
Don,,, Quixotellano!
"Thanks and praise to thee,
oh, great and noble knight,
Don Quixotellaneo,
Don--
Let the world
forever mark,,,
[lance clatters]
[sword rasps]
Let the world
forever mark this day,
The day that great and noble knight
set forth to claim his glory,
and restore the promise of chivalry and greatness
to these corrupt and empty times,
Let his name moisten the lips of the people
through eternity,
For I,
Don Quixote
of La Mancha!
[heavy breathing]
[dogs barking]
[sword rasps]
[armor rustling, squeaking]
[Janelle] My good wench,
it appears that due to an enchanter spell,
I believe myself to be your uncle,
my apologies,
Now that my true identity has been restored,
I take my leave of you
to seek my glory and embrace my fate,
[Janelle] Oh, my god,
[upbeat music]
[armor clinking]
[narrator] It was soon proved
that all needs and desires of a knight-errant
are immediately fulfilled,
[tense music]
Easy, Easy,
Take my scent into your nostrils,
I am the master of your bridle,
[grandiose music]
[Don Quixote] My brave and noble mount,
The finest in all the world,
Rejoice, noble nag!
In honor of your beauty and your breeding,
as well as the sweet fragrance
of your essential oils,
and your thorny defenses,
I dub thee,
[sword rasps]
Rosacea,
[clinking]
[engine sputters]
[girl] Daddy?
Somebody's on the scooter,
[engine revving]
[upbeat music]
[girl] Dad!
[engine revving]
[tires screech]
[upbeat music]
[narrator] Don Quixote
was a great vision of hope for the peasantry,
[woman] What the hell, boy?
Wiping grease up in the house,
[boy] I don't wanna get all up--
[woman] God damn it, Kenny!
It's your job!
[narrator] And he was a great threat
to the monsters lurking among them,
I thank thee, oh Lord,
for this glorious opportunity
to embrace danger
and court death,
Fly, Rosacea!
[horn blaring]
[upbeat music]
[engine sputtering]
[sword rasps]
To your knees, vile creature!
[grumbling]
[suspenseful music]
What? Are you as deaf as you are hideous?
Answer my challenge,
lest my glory be written in your blood,
[screaming]
[Don Quixote groans] Die, foul beast!
Your wicked reign
over these lands
shall end at the end of this,
my arm!
[metal clanging]
[creaking]
[Don Quixote] Yes! Recoil your hideous head,
I commend my body and soul
in these highly dangerous efforts
to my one true love and captor of my heart,
that peerless and noble beauty,,,
[heavy breathing]
That peerless and noble beauty,,,
[light music]
The Lady Dulce
de Leche of Tabasco,
Aah!
[grunting]
You're gonna break!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[Don Quixote] I've pierced your brain, foul beast!
[Don Quixote screams]
[loud thud]
[metal clattering]
[creaking]
[rasping]
Now I have you, odious Giant of Andecoria!
-Boom! -[clanging]
[grunting]
[Don Quixote groans]
[heavy breathing]
[creaking]
What have I not done?
[panting]
[tranquil music]
Of course,
Of course, My squire,
[Don Quixote] Where have you been?
I cannot successfully conduct adventures
without a squire,
It is not done,
-Ow, -[Don Quixote] Did you see it?
See,,, See what?
Quit your babbling and answer my question,
Did you or did you not see here a hideous beast?
With a moist and bilious eye?
Did you not smell the creature's putrid breath?
I,,, I just saw the oil machine, I didn't--
It cannot be,
Only a fool would attack a machine,
And I, as you well know,
am less a fool than any man alive,
[machine creaking]
Unless,,,
Of course,
Of course, Freston, Oh, you wretched cur,
[Don Quixote] Clearly, that wizard metamorphosed
the giant, at the last second,
into this iron contraption
to deprive me of my glory,
And you, you're the proof,
Obviously, such spells only work
on the acute senses of knights-errant,
So the fact that it was all invisible to your simple mind,
proves that it is so,
Come along, Sancho,
[armor clinking]
When a knight-errant strides forth,
his squire follows,
Come along,
My, my name is Kevin,
Nonsense, That's no name for a squire,
Only you, Sancho, would have your senses scrambled
by a blow to another man's head,
Ow!
[Don Quixote] You are Sancho, my squire,
Do I get paid for squiring?
Paid?
Isn't it enough to feel the frisson of adventure?
To know that you are loved and admired
for your deeds alone?
Isn't that the greatest reward
that a man could ever receive?
For some people maybe,
but I need 155 dollars because they shut my phone off,
And my stepdad's a piece of shit, so,,,
Fine, Fine,
You shall have all that you require and more,
I give you my word,
[upbeat music]
[narrator]With his loyal squire by his side,
and his lady's love in his heart,
Don Quixote was invincible,
[Sancho] Whoo!
[Sancho cheering]
[narrator] Together, they found many adventures,
-Aah! -[woman 2 shrieks]
[engine clattering]
-[engine hisses] -[woman 2] What's he doing?
[narrator] They repelled invaders,
[man 1] Son of a bitch!
[narrator] They suffered great deprivations,,,
until rations could be won,
[engine revving]
[man 2] Hey! Hey, you gotta pay for that,
-Oh, you gonna pay now, -Oh, shit!
[narrator] They defeated a great army,
[chicken clucking]
-[chickens squawk] -[sword clanks]
[narrator] And freed a holy shrine
from the flags of the infidels,
[Don Quixote grunting]
[narrator]This did not go over so well, however,
with the infidels,
[detective] Civilized men cannot sit idly by
while any one man puts his own desires
above his communities,
It threatens their comfort and safety,
It only takes the smallest tug on the thinnest thread
to unravel the fabric,
[birds chirping]
[chicken clucking]
[cackling]
[rooster cawing]
Sancho! Make sure that Rosacea is groomed and fed,
I think I'm gonna call you Dapple,
Yeah,
Glory is mine,
[Don Quixote] ,,,witness the very method of trickery used
by the great Renaldo De Morello
to defeat the Thousand Bulgarians
and their Tiger Army,
Wow! A thousand Bulgarian tigers?
-[thuds] -What?
There are no tigers in Bulgaria,
You just said--
Obviously, they were brought in from India or China
or some other tiger-infested realm,
and merely deployed by the Bulgarians,
Oh, okay, Okay,
But I still don't get how we're gonna get
a thousand tigers though,
-[thumps] -Ow! hey!
You must pay better attention, Sancho,
The Bulgarians had the tigers,
It is Morello's tactic to defeat them
that we shall deploy,
It is a thing of great cunning,
Oh, Wonderful,
[water sloshing]
[calm music]
Ha!
Let that foul wizard Freston
try and work his magic on me now,
I shall be as invisible as he,
Uh, shouldn't I have some mud on me to or--
You are but a squire, It's unnecessary,
But anybody who sees me is gonna see you--
Shush! Now, remember, Sancho,
You may only assist me if I drop my sword,
or if I need to be administered a poultice
due to some grave and bloody wound,
Whoa, What, what, what,
Oh,
Oh, oh, Oh, okay,
Oh, oh, okay,
In the pursuit of arms, Sancho,
death is your constant companion,
It is likely that,
I shall be disemboweled or receive a deep gash
to the head in a battle with a hundred of my enemies,
And as I lay upon the ground,
taking my final sweet breaths,
it will be you, my squire, who will weep for me,
Your tears falling down upon me like rain
on a parched earth,
Heartbroken, you will hear my final words,
in which I pledge my love to my lady,
Then you will, no doubt, remove my helmet,
better to hear my devotions,
You will take that helmet to the Lady Dulce de Leche,
and lay it at her feet,
She will see the marks upon it,
where I took my final blows,
Fearless and unwavering in my bravery and my devotion,
[whimpering]
And at last, I will be worthy
of her perfect love,
What's a poultice?
-[thwacks] -Ow!
-[Sancho] Where, where are you-- -[Don Quixote screams]
Prepare for liberation!
[screaming]
[light music]
[Don Quixote mumbling]
-[Sancho] What are you doing? -[screaming]
-[loud thump] -Oh, my god! That's a cop!
[Don Quixote] ,,,the illustrious, Darn the,,,
-[clanks] -Ow!
-[thuds] -[gasps]
-[man 3] Damn! -Ooh!
Repent, slaver!
A knight-errant cannot abide servitude,
-[man 4] Hold up, -Collect their weapons,
What? You said not to, to help you with the--
I'm making an exception,
Oh, my gosh, This is happening so--
I should remove your head,
but instead, I shall confound it,
-[Don Quixote] Answer me this, -[Sancho] I'm so sorry,,,
who is the greater fool,
the man who accepts his fate or the man who creates it?
Whichever one is you, that's the fool,
Incorrect!
[Don Quixote] I am the master of my fate,
You, mademoiselle, are a vassal,
A vassal does what she is told without regard to justice,
A free man does what is just
without regard to what he is told,
Bind her hands,
Are you sure? We just took her gun,
[Don Quixote] Bind them, noble squire,
[sighs]
[Sancho exhales deeply]
I knew I should have put mud on me,
[Sancho] I'm so sorry,
-[spray hissing] -[Sancho screaming]
[Don Quixote grunting]
Greetings, slaves!
-[Don Quixote] I, -[prisoner] Slaves?
Don Quixote of La Mancha,
hereby liberate you,
Go, wretched servants,
to the Lady Dulce de Leche of Tabasco,
and say that, I, Don Quixote of La Mancha
dedicate this great victory to you, peerless lady
and captor of his heart,
[Sancho whimpers]
Yes, Yes,
Go! Taste your sweet, sweet freedom,
Embrace the horizon and find your true calling,
Go with God,
What the hell is wrong with you?
[man 4] Man, I'm in for a D,U,I,
I got one week left,
Now, who you think's gonna go down for this?
Huh?
[grunting]
Avast,
-[Don Quixote] Flee, Sancho! -[Sancho] What, what?
-Ingrates! -Oh, my god!
[grunting]
[Sancho] Oh, my god! Aah!
[upbeat music]
[narrator] It is true that the captives were ungrateful,
[screaming]
-[thuds] -[prisoner grunts]
[yells]
[narrator] And that Dapple, Sancho's mount,
was sadly lost,
Still, it was a glorious victory,
You know Sancho,
I believe that one of those slaves was a criminal,
One of them? They were all criminals,
Impossible,
Only a fool would liberate a criminal,
And as I am certainly no fool,
they cannot, therefore, be criminals,
No, No, No, No, no, no,
The only two that weren't criminals,
were the ones that were cops,
Yeah,
[upbeat music]
[narrator] And Don Quixote's fame
spread across the land,
[radio static]
[policeman 1] Tony's fine,
He got a little bump on his head,
[laughs] Heh he was playing possum,
Disdain for authority
always presents an imminent threat,
We should be prepared to use lethal force,
I'm gonna work over this neighborhood,
Put another patrolman over here,
He'll be out in public somewhere,
Preening,
looking to be admired, respected,
That will not happen,
[Sancho] Um, what are you doing?
I am in repose,
What's repose?
Obviously, it is when you pose again,
All knights-errant spend their nights in repose,
standing in some glade, contemplating and fasting,
-What? -You must acquaint yourself
with the history, Sancho,
Knights-errant only eat at sumptuous feasts
and they never sleep at all,
They live on the meat of their desires,
and the sweetness of their love,
What do squires do?
The habits of squires are of such little importance,
that they are not mentioned in the chronicles,
[scoffs]
Okay, well, I think squires go inside,
-What? -I'm a squire, right?
I'm your squire, so I would know the most about being a squire,
I think that squires probably go inside,
And I think, since you keep saying I'm simple,
I probably do simple things like, eat dinner,
[Sancho] And sleep on a bed with clean sheets, and a fan
that makes a nice humming noise,
All right, All right, All right,
Sancho, as you well know,
I can easily withstand
the nightly knightly deprivations at hand,
However,
it may be unreasonable of me to expect a squire
to endure such rigors,
Perhaps, just this once,
we can suffer,
-such vulgar comforts, -That's all I could ask for,
-Just this once! -[Sancho] Okay, Yeah,
[water sloshing]
[Sancho] Yo, I'm guessing you got a nice house, right?
[narrator] The niece waited all night,
Had she read the books, she would've known
that a true knight could rest,,,
in only one place,
-[Sancho scoffs] -[dance music playing]
[narrator] A castle,
You see, Sancho,
When you're a knight-errant,
-[crashes] -a grateful world provides
for you every need and desire,
[Sancho] Yeah, [grunts]
Greetings, peasants,
I, Don Quixote of La Mancha,
am here to enliven your wretched and empty lives,
Servant boy,
bring some oats for my mount,
Out by the portcullis,
And fetch the master of this castle,
I'm the owner of this place,
Oh, My deepest apologies,
Your Moorish countenance
was obviously the cause of this misunderstanding,
We require a feast and succor for my squire,
[man laughs]
-[rock music playing] -[chuckles]
Many thanks, wench,
Typically, in such a fine castle,
this would be mutton or pheasant
or some other such rare game,
Your Arab,
is a different breed of man,
but this is a strange and marvelous cuisine,
Mm-hm, Yeah,
-We talked about,,, -Ow!
,,,doing all this in public,
[indistinct chatter]
[Trout laughs]
[Trout] Shut up,
[Nikki] Stop telling me to shut up,
[Sancho] Oh, no, What are you doing?
Sweet virgin princesses,
Rest assured that in my presence,
you and your modesty are as safe
as if you were in the womb,
Hey, No touchie, brah,
Hey, No touching the girls, brah!
I assure you, sir,
my intentions are chaste,
You're about to get your ass chased right outta here
if you don't listen to me when I talk,
Hey, hey, man, Just cut him some slack, all right?
[whispering] He's a little crazy,
Imma cut him more than that
if he don't start paying attention,
I must warn you, sir, I am a knight,
Boss, um, this is not the time,
[Trout laughs]
You need to put that sword away before you get yourself killed,
Huh? All right?
You got the costume,
and you're talking all old-timey,
but you're not a knight,
[Trout] You know that, right?
-You,,, -[clanks]
are not a knight,
[somber music]
[armor clattering]
Yeah, didn't think so,
I told you he wasn't a knight,
[Sancho] What, what's wrong boss?
Boss? What's wrong? What's wrong?
It's true, I am not a knight,
I, I didn't wanna say anything, I mean, I thought you knew,
All the histories that I've read,
there's always some ritual,
Some manner of declaration,
An official bestowing of the title of Knight-errant,
I have had no such ceremony,
I, I must find a,
a king or,
a queen or,,,
a noble of some sort,
You, you, sir,
You're the Lord of this land, are you not?
Well, I'm the landlord,
You may commence,
[somber music]
All that's required is that you list my virtues,
[stutters] And use as many long
and meaningful-sounding words as possible,
"Let these be your desires,
To melt and be like a running brook
that sings its melody to the night,
To know the pain of too much tenderness,
[Kamil] To be wounded by your own understanding of love
and to bleed willingly and joyfully,
To wake at dawn with a winged heart,
and give thanks for another day of loving,
To rest at noon hour, and meditate love's ecstasy,
To return home at eventide
with gratitude, and then to sleep
with a prayer for the beloved in your heart
and a song of praise on your lips,"
Khalil Gibran,
[clanking]
[grandiose music]
I will be forever grateful to you,
It was my honor, [chuckles]
I can already feel my love and my righteous rage
becoming unbearable,
Prepare a room for my squire,
I must go and contemplate my disappointment and my pain,
Suffering is essential to my success,
Uh, where are you going?
[upbeat music]
Um,,,
I mean, I would love to get to that room,
That'll be wonderful,
[somber music]
[narrator]The glorious ceremony had filled Don Quixote
with a mystical vigor,
[sighs deeply]
[narrator] And he kept a keen eye
trained over this, his land,
[clatters]
[narrator] And humble Sancho,
reveled in the silks and perfumes
that filled the castle of the Great Lord,
It was the happiest night of his life,
[groans]
[sighs]
[ominous music]
[distant growling]
[snoring]
[Nikki shushes] Don't wake him up,
Ah, Oh, shit!
[Lexi] Stop it, What are you doing?
-[snoring] -[Nikki] Go check his pockets,
[Lexi] Okay, try his pants,
[Nikki] Okay, this guy has nothing,
-[Sancho coughs] -[Lexi] Oh, damn it,
Hey, baby,
I just thought you might need some company,
-[thwacks] -[screaming]
[Sancho groans]
[all screaming]
He punched me in the head!
-[Trout] Punched my girlfriend? -[Sancho] No!
-[Lexi] He did! -[Trout] You punched my girl?
-No, No, No, -Did you punch my girl, bro?
-[Lexi] Kill him! -[Sancho] No, No, No,
[Big Mike] Trout!
Might wanna think about the other legal issues
that come into play here,
We gotta do something, though?
[Big Mike] He's just a dumb kid,
No, please,
[Big Mike] I say we treat him like one,
-[all laugh] -[Sancho] I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
[upbeat music]
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, what's the matter? You scared?
[Sancho] Don Quixote!
[Sancho whimpers]
Please!
-Please! -[groans]
[Sancho] I quit doing it too!
Oh, no!
[all laugh]
[growling]
[Sancho screaming]
[growling and rustling]
-[grunting] -[screaming]
[growling, hisses]
[squelches]
[indistinct chatter]
[Don Quixote] Behold!
-[thuds] -[grunts]
How fortunate you are to bear witness to my success,
Though obviously too small
to be the Giant of Andecoria,
the creature towered over me
until I relieved him of his head,
whereupon his body vanished,
No doubt, from some ancient spell,
[Kamil] What is going on out here?
My Lord, take this tribute
to the Lady Dulce De Leche of Tabasco,
And say that, "I, Don Quixote of La Mancha,
dedicate this tribute to you,
peerless lady and captor of his heart,"
[grunts]
[fanfare]
[all laughing]
[engine clicking]
-[Sancho] Whoa! -[Don Quixote] Merci, Sancho,
Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait! I can't--
[light music]
[narrator] The great knight could sense that the excitement
had taken a toll on his poor squire,
Luckily, he knew a remedy,
[Don Quixote] It's your own fault, Sancho,
Your selfishness brought you this pain,
I should never have acceded to your demands
for safety and comfort,
Those things, Sancho,
are as dangerous as a thousand monsters,
We could instead have spent our time here
where all good things happen and all sweetness is made,
In nature!
Nature provides us with all we need,
There's a balm, Sancho,
that only a knights-errant may employ,
Luckily, I have the sacred formula
hidden away in my mind,
[Sancho groans]
[panting]
Behold!
The Balsam of Fierbras,
It cures any ailment and heals any wound,
[exhales deeply]
[stomach rumbling]
[panting]
[stomach rumbling]
[laughs]
-[Don Quixote chuckles] -[grunts]
The sweet elixir, [chuckles]
Whoa, Sancho!
I feel the strength,,,
of a hundred,,,
no, a thousand men
coursin' through me!
-[Don Quixote] I feel alive,,, -[groaning]
,,,and new in every sinew,
Oh, Sancho,
We knights-errant can become callous
to the daily miracles of our trade,
But this, this is truly
the work of God,
Imbibe the Balsam of Fierbras!
Now, you will feel,,,
-[Pancho groans] -,,,the restorative power
of such a concoction,
The energizing,,,
-[Pancho gulps] -,,,effects,,,
of the sacred,
invigorating,,,
elixir!
-[sighs] -[stomach rumbles]
Oh, I actually feel something,
This,,, This is working,
Well, did you doubt me?
Well, yeah, but,,,
Works on ahead,
I feel something, No, I feel something,
It is indeed a powerful,,,
-Nope, No, -,,,balm,
[Pancho groaning]
[grunting]
-[stomach grumbling] -[Pancho grunts]
[groans] I'm dying,
[Pancho yelling, grunting] I'm dying,
[Don Quixote] Do you not feel,,,
-it's restorative power? -[stomach grumbling]
I feel,,,
-mighty,,, -[stomach growls]
,,,alive,
-[Don Quixote grunts] -[Sancho coughs]
[Don Quixote groans]
[farts]
The older one is severely mentally ill
with delusional projections and extreme narcissism,
[detective] The younger one, we think,
just suffers from extremely low cognitive function,
Which is to say, he is not smart,
Did you ever see any one of them before?
No, [clicks tongue]
Don't know 'em, [sighs]
So, um,,,
Where,,, Where do you think they are now?
Probably, still in the area,
The last sighting was
at the Nighty Knight's Inn on 61,
That's where one of the instances
of ritual animal sacrifice occurred,
[exhales sharply]
Ah, There's no need to worry,
We're just making people aware
and, uh, asking for information,
[chuckles] Okay,
I'll promise you this,
we don't allow this kind of thing
in the Parish of St, Bernard,
[detective]We'll have them both off the streets soon,
One way or another,
[tranquil music]
[tranquil music continues]
Sancho?
[Don Quixote] Sancho?
,,,approved vacation days, so today, I'm using one,
[motorcycle revving]
Sancho, where are you going?
I'm going home,
Sancho, I implore you,
do not disappoint yourself,
That cow has already left the station, I'm going,
Sancho, I command you to stop,
My name is Kevin,
Kevin is my name, okay?
And if you really want me to stay,
how about you give me the 155 dollars
you said you'd give me?
If you must know, I carry no lucre,
What, what is that?
I carry no money,
What?
Knights-errant are above it,
Money is vulgar,
I've never known a knight to have a single penny,
-[scoffs] -He has simply given
all that he needs or desires,
Silks, ermines,
precious oils, inuslas, Duchies,
Can you not hear what you're saying?
Ermines and Ursulas don't,,, they're not real, okay?
I'm done! I'm leaving,
Sancho, stop this insolence!
[Don Quixote] After him, Rosacea!
[Sancho] Leave me alone,
-What do you want? -Sancho,
I beg you, Please,
The code of chivalry requires, that I have a squire,
I need you,
[Sancho] I don't wanna be your squire!
-[Don Quixote] I need you, -I, I'm gone,
Sancho! Do, do you see it?
Glistening in the sun?
It is the most sought after relic
in all of knight-errantry,
[Sancho] Not listening!
It is the helmet of Mambrino!
Surely in the hands of a thief of Lapato!
[Sancho] This is worse than home,
Come, noble squire!
Here is an adventure you do not want to miss,
For glory and my squire!
[motorcycle revving]
[Don Quixote] Relinquish the sacred relic,
-infidel! -[clanks]
-[clattering] -[thuds]
[Ferdi] What the hell, jackass?
The helmet,,,
of Mambrino,
[clangs]
[Don Quixote grunting]
[Ferdi] Seriously?
You're stealing bridal shower gifts?
[panting]
[clanks]
You touch it,
I swear I'll bash your brains out,
[suspenseful music]
-[Don Quixote panting] -[man sniffs]
[grunting]
[Don Quixote] Sancho! Sancho!
The helmet, do not let the infidel
sully the sacred,,,
[Sancho] I got it, boss! I got the helmet!
[engine starts]
[whimpering]
[Don Quixote] Sancho!
Here!
The helmet! The helmet!
I dedicate this great victory
to the Lady Dulce de Leche
of Tabasco!
[engine revving]
[both cheering]
Guide me, Mambrino!
[tires screeching]
[Sancho] Oh, crap!
[Sancho laughs]
[Sancho] Oh, my god! Yeah!
Yes!
[narrator] Sancho didn't even wonder why
his master was protected with two helmets
while he had none,
He was filled with joy for having done something brave,
[Sancho] Don't know how you did that! Sweet!
Oh, Sancho, such squirely behavior,
Your thoughts were only of me!
I don't know what I was thinking,
The histories will be kind to you,
Why do you care about history?
You won't even be there to hear the story,
Oh, sweet, simple Sancho,
this is the story!
Life is a story, And this one is mine,
I write the dialogue as I speak and the actions as I move,
The same is true for all men,
Though few ever choose
to cast themselves as the villain,
many choose to be the victim, or even worse,
the bystander,
But in this story,
The Ingenious Gentleman, Don Quixote of La Mancha,
I am the hero!
And, as this is a great and unlikely story,
I must do great and unlikely things,
Only a fool sits by while the music plays!
[gasps]
[Don Quixote] Can you hear it?
I don't hear anything,
[chimes clinking]
I can hear music,
[Don Quixote] It is the voices of angels, Sancho,
Knights-errant are often lead by angels in just this fashion,
Come along,
[chimes clinking]
[grunts] Whoa,
[chimes clinking]
[sword rasps]
-[chimes clinking] -[Sancho chuckles]
[calm music]
[narrator] Now a true squire,
Sancho could see all the hidden wonder
and magic of the world,
[Sancho grunting]
[chimes clinking]
[clinking continues]
Wow, [laughs]
[Sancho grunts]
[sword rasps]
[exhales deeply]
[laughing]
It's good,
My god!
It's, it's 155 dollars,
It's exactly how much I needed!
We are not thieves,
Hey, finders are keepers and losers are wieners,
is, um, what I'm gonna say to that, so,
"Ode to Lucinda,
Most beautiful creature in the world,
The moment I saw her, I knew she was my girl,
She even said she'd rather die,
than ever do another guy,
It was heaven on this rock we call Earth,
I was filled with mirth,
But when I told Ferdi, I regretted every wordy,
He was my friend, But then, he sinned,"
What loving heart and learned mind
could concoct such beautiful verse?
-[Carl screaming] -[gasps]
[screaming continues]
Gentle poet, please,
I am no poet!
Did you not write these words?
[Carl screaming]
What is wrong with that guy?
He is a poet,
Mad with love,
He was sent here to me, Sancho,
to teach me, to challenge me,
To remind me of the very heart of knight-errantry,
For a life without the torture of love,,,
is no life at all,
I have long been gone from the sight of my lady,
She has, no doubt, been tempted
by other men as was this fallen Lucinda,
Women are not as stable in their words and deeds
as we men, Sancho,
I could, of course, return to her
and put my suspicions to rest,
But it will be more heroic to stay here
and allow those fears to torment me,
It will be even more poetic
should I die in the act,
[panting]
[Don Quixote grunts]
[Don Quixote] I too shall write a poem, Sancho,
Take it and this map,
so that you may find my lady, [panting]
What?
And with your testimony,
bear witness to the depths of my madness,
And take the Helmet of Mambrino,
Though it is unconventional
for a squire to don such a helmet,,,
Yes,
[Don Quixote] I know that it will protect you,
No one will stop you, Sancho,
no one,
-For we are,,, -[paper ripping]
,,,invincible,
Okay,
[uplifting music]
[paper rustling]
[birds chirping]
[foreboding music]
[narrator] Sancho eagerly embarked
on his sacred errand,
Leaving Don Quixote
to commence his poetic suffering,
But soon, an enemy appeared,
You're Kevin,
You live in that trailer on Mereaux Road right?
Uh, uh, I don't know,
Oh, you don't know? Okay, Where is he?
[chuckles]
-My uncle, -[groans]
I saw pictures of you with him,
Shown to me, by the way, by cops,
Now, where is he?
No, I'm his squire,
and I, I can't deluge his secrets,
Divulge,
Hey!
I was supposed to give that to the lady of the leche,
The milk lady?
"Oh, beauteous maiden,
pristine in your tower,
I succumb to your beauty,
your grace and sweet power,
Though the greatest knight-errant,
-I am unworthy,,, -[Sancho grunts]
,,,of the sweet amber nectar of your fearless love,
So I shall ne'r view your flesh,
So, supple, so pliant,
-till a princess I've saved,,, -Please,
,,,from a ravaging giant,
Yours, in love everlasting,
The great and humble, Don Quixote,"
[panting]
-Please, just give-- -Is this where he is?
[stammers] I,,,
Go back and tell him that you gave his poem
to the woman he loves
and she loves him very much,
And she wants to see him,
hopes to see him, very soon,
And tell him, that, um,,,
she wants him to wait where he is, and um,,,
await the hand of fate,
Oh,
And she wants him to not do anything stupid,
[Janelle] A princess and a giant,
He's not stupid,
[panting]
[calm music]
¶ The bats are in the belfry ¶
¶ The dew is on the moor ¶
¶ Where are the arms That held me ¶
¶ And pledged her love before? ¶
¶ And it's such A sad old feeling ¶
¶ All the fields Are soft and green ¶
Excuse me,
¶ ,,,that I'm stealing But you're innocent,,, ¶
Excuse me!
¶ You're innocent When you dream ¶
¶ When you dream ¶
¶ You're innocent When you dream ¶
¶ I made a golden promise ¶
¶ That we would never part ¶
[narrator] The squire cared for his master,
even concocting tales
of the peerless lady's sweet reply,
Oh,
Take care not to bind my loins, Sancho,
[narrator]And he was rewarded with a great and unlikely thing,
Is that the great Don Quixote I see?
My name is Princess Muh,,, Micomiconia,
and I seek a knight to, um,,,
[Janelle clears throat] Um,,,
My lady beseech-eth thee to slaughter a giant,
which vexeth-eth her land,
[Don Quixote grunting]
[groaning]
[bones cracking]
[chuckles]
-[Don Quixote] Sword, Sword, -[Sancho] Oh, Uh,,,
-[Don Quixote grunting] -[sword rasps]
[Janelle] My lady thanks you, oh, great knight,
Wait!
Before we embark,
you should know that my heart is owned
by the peerless Lady Dulce de Leche of Tabasco,
[Don Quixote] Her love is the only thing in this world
-against which I am powerless, -[chuckling]
-[snickering] -[Don Quixote] And so,
though undoubtedly,
you will find yourself in love with me
as a result of my heroic deeds,
if you have not fallen so already,
I will not ever be free,,,
to marry you,
[all snicker]
Oh, well, that's very disappointing,
To the giant!
[blows air]
Rosacea!
[narrator] The heroes, so pure of heart,
could not see the treachery at hand,
Little did they know
that they were being lead to the one place
that spells defeat for the adventurer,,,
Home,
But fortune will often give a lost hero a sign,
[electricity buzzing]
[Don Quixote] Sancho, you remember that castle?
[Sancho] Yeah, I remember it in my bones,
I feel it is my gentlemanly duty
to pay a visit to my old friend, the lord of that place,
It was he who first dubbed me knight,
I feel rightly obligated to accept
whatever offer he may have of a feast
or, perhaps, a bed,,,
[Janelle] No, no, Your Grace, the giant awaits!
[Sancho] Uh, actually, Your Highness,
Don Quixote hasn't slept or eaten in, like, days,
Rejoice!
The great Don Quixote requires a feast,
[Kamil] Your grace,
We have chili!
[Big Mike] Oh, chili, nice,
[Sancho] Yay,
[calm music]
[narrator]The lord of the land provided a great feast
filled with fellowship and joy,
Sancho regaled his new friends,,,
-[yells] -[all laugh]
,,,with stories of his first-ever adventures,
That was a good one,
[all laughing]
I thought he was my best friend,
[narrator] The poet came in from the woods to account again,
how the devious Ferdi had stolen his sweet Lucinda,
It's intriguing, really,
[narrator] And Don Quixote dreamed of the great dance
that would declare him worthy and loved,
It now seemed an impossible dream,
[Ferdi laughing]
[Brittany] What are you doing?
You stay here,
[car door closes]
Our wedding,,,
[Ferdi] Jackass,
[Carl screaming]
[grunting] You frickin'--
Ferdi!
Wait, how the hell do you know Ferdi?
-[Dotty scoffs] -[screaming]
[babbling]
[Dotty] Hey, Lucinda? Yeah, I know you,
Do you know me? Dotty,
Ferdi's other fiancée,
-Wait,,, -What?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, -[Lucinda shrieks]
[all gasp]
-In the absence of the Princess, -[wood clattering]
who is,,,
who is surely resting
and will be grateful to have missed such behavior,
I, Don Quixote of La Mancha,
have the sole authority to administer justice
-and to take a life! -[all gasp]
Which I will gladly do if provoked,
-[Janelle] I asked the Prince! -Silence!
Oh, shit,,,
Are you indeed the fair Lucinda?
That same damsel that inspired the sublime verse
my squire and I encountered
in a distant castle of this realm?
Which of these swains, Lucinda, do you love?
My sword demands the truth!
[gasps]
I love Carl,
-[all gasp] -What?
You have a hell of a way of showing it,
You just disappeared!
Is this who you left me for?
What? I just met her,
I left you for nobody,
It was all Ferdi's idea,
-[all gasp] -Uh, no, I, I said,,,
You said it was a test,
You thought I needed a test?
[Carl] Well, apparently, you did,
You told me you'd kill yourself
before you slept with someone else,
Well? Why didn't you?
-[all gasp] -[Don Quixote] Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Poet, when you see her now, do you truly wish her dead?
-Do you? -No,
Death is a easy peace,
She chose instead to live, to torture herself daily
with the knowledge of your unfaithfulness
and her own,
Besides, there is a true villain in this tale,
-And he must be punished, -[all gasp]
No! [panting]
Ah, broken and shamed, yet still she cries out,
[Don Quixote] Such is love,
Poet, your failure was
that you ran from your enemy rather than toward him
and, thus, you could never be satisfied,
This we must remedy,
You, sir, are indeed a villain,
However, by sacrificing Lucinda to her true love,
by honoring your promise to this lady,
And by allowing the poet to exact his revenge,
you may yet be redeemed,
-Revenge? -Poet!
Hey!
[Don Quixote] Exact your revenge from the very loins
this scoundrel used
to betray the honor of your love,
Not the loins, Not the loins!
-[Ferdi groans] -[all cheer]
-Yes! -[all applaud]
Justice is done,
["Get Down Tonight" by KC & the Sunshine Band]
¶ Baby, baby Let's get together ¶
¶ Honey, honey me and you ¶
¶ And do the things Oh, do the things ¶
¶ That we like to do ¶
¶ Oh, do a little dance ¶
¶ Make a little love ¶
¶ Get down tonight ¶
¶ Do a little dance ¶
¶ Make a little love ¶
¶ Get down tonight ¶
¶ Baby, babe ¶
¶ I meet you ¶
¶ Same place, same time ¶
¶ Where we can Oh, get together ¶
¶ And ease up our mind ¶
¶ Oh, do a little dance ¶
¶ Make a little love ¶
¶ Get down tonight ¶
¶ Hey! ¶
¶ Do a little dance ¶
¶ Make a little love ¶
¶ Get down tonight ¶
¶ Get down tonight, baby ¶
[police sirens blare in distance]
Cops!
What the hell do they want?
-Unhand me! -[Janelle] Get him outta here!
-[Kamil] Come, follow me! -I flee from no man!
[Sancho] Those are cops, we gotta go!
I could easily defeat a hundred such,,,
petty functionaries!
-[Sancho] We gotta go! -[Don Quixote] Unhand me,
you scoundrels, I said unhand me!
[Janelle] Move!
-[grunting] -Uncle Danny, listen to me,
[Janelle] You, you are not a knight!
You're not Don Quixote, you're not,,,
Your name is Danny Kehoe,
And you are a lying hag!
They're gonna lock you up, Uncle Danny, please!
I am Don,,,
[Sancho] Stop, stop, stop,
I can settle this, I can settle this,
Uh, Your Grace, Your Grace, I have a question,
I have a question to ask, okay?
[Don Quixote panting]
[Sancho] Do you have to pee?
[Don Quixote panting]
[Sancho] In all the stories you've read about knights,
does anyone ever have to take a piss?
[panting]
If you have to pee,,,
you're not a knight!
[panting]
-[thwacks] -[Sancho grunts]
[groaning]
-Wait, stop! -[Don Quixote yells]
-[Janelle] Oh! -[screaming]
[Sancho] Please, please, please!
[detective] Civilized men will not sit idly by
while one person puts their desires
above the community's
and threatens their comfort and safety,
Now, where is he?
[Janelle sighs]
[police siren blares]
[Sancho] Crap, Crap,
[Janelle] Don't shoot him!
Okay,
[car door slams]
¶ I'm chained to the wall ¶
¶ I'm nothing at all ¶
¶ And my eyes Look into the sunset ¶
¶ Thinking Of better things to do ¶
¶ Like a monkey in a zoo ¶
¶ The days go so slow ¶
¶ And i don't have no friends ¶
¶ Except all these people ¶
¶ Who want me to do Tricks for them ¶
¶ Like a monkey ¶
¶ In a zoo ¶
¶ And it could happen to you ¶
Hey, Sancho!
-Look up, dude? -Sancho!
[indistinct chatter]
[man 2] Gotta post ya! We'll see you real soon!
[creaking]
¶ No, it wasn't always Like this ¶
¶ Oh, but I never saw It coming ¶
¶ I'm so alone ¶
¶ This is my home ¶
[Janelle] These first two, you should start right now,
it's the antipsychotic,,,
and a sedative,
The other one you were already taking
in the hospital, It's, um,,,
for depression,
Remember, you have to take these, okay?
It's part of the deal for getting the charges reduced,
You understand?
[Janelle] Uncle Danny?
[sighs]
[gulps]
Thank you,
[sighs]
[laughter on TV]
[buzzing]
[laughter on TV]
[applause on TV]
[police siren blaring on TV]
[narrator] And so, the great knight,,,
quietly died,
No, This is no way to end this story,
[Janelle] No, Kevin, No,
-Milord! -No,
[Janelle] No, Kevin, Get out!
I am a humble squire,
seeking a knight-errant to serve,
and I won't settle for nothing less
than the greatest of all time,
the great Don Quixote,
Don Quixote is gone,
No, he's not,
[panting]
[upbeat music playing]
What the hell?
[woman 2] Driving to work, and, um,,,
You know, I look over and,,,
And out of the woods comes a guy,,,
,,,butt naked, just,,, [yells]
¶ Butt naked, butt, butt,,, ¶
[Sancho] Somebody made this,
- Funny guy, -[Sancho] See that?
- Funny guy, -[Sancho] We did all of this,
You and me,
[woman 2] ¶ Butt, butt naked ¶
- ¶ Butt naked ¶ -[Kamil] ¶ Funny guy ¶
[woman 2] ¶ Butt, butt naked ¶
We love you, Donky Keyhote,
¶ Love, love, love ¶
-[Don Quixote] Behold! -[man 3] Donky Keyhote,
- ¶ Love, love, love ¶ -[Kamil] ¶ Funny guy ¶
[man 3] ¶ Donky Keyhote ¶ [vocal auto-tuned]
[Sancho] Oh, yeah,
And that, but still,
¶ And I will survive Like I'm singing karaoke ¶
¶ Don Quixote ¶
¶ Don Quixote, Don Quixote ¶
¶ Don Quixote,,, ¶
See, boss?
One million, two hundred fifty-six thousand views!
You're famous just like you said you'd be!
Uncle Danny, this is just our neighbor, Kevin,
My name is Sancho,
[exhales]
Come on, man, You can't just be amazing one day,
and then go back to just sitting around and,,,
[Sancho] What,,, what is that?
Medicine,
Why? Why would you give that to him?
I'm trying to save his life!
Yeah?
So was I,
[Sancho exhales]
[Don Quixote] Blasphemers,,,
[foreboding music]
Hideous, vile,,,
-blasphemers, -[Sancho] Don Quixote,
Besmirching
the name of the peerless lady,
[Don Quixote and Sancho] Dulce de Leche of Tabasco!
[Don Quixote gasps]
I reject thee vile toxins,
[Don Quixote retching]
Oh!
[laughs] Yes!
[panting]
Gentle nurse,
the care you have given me in my illness
has been tireless and sweet
and clearly born of love,
You have my gratitude, eternally,
-Sancho, -Yeah, yeah,
Wait!
Milord? I hope you will return to this castle
each evening for,,,
uh, feasting and the rest you assuredly deserve,
Gramercy,
-[smooches] -[sobs]
[Janelle sobbing]
[laughs]
[bed creaks]
[chuckles]
Sancho,
I believe the reason a knight-errant needs a squire
is because the world is simply too mad to face alone,
I thank you, my friend,
Of course, boss,
Dapple!
How did you get her back?
[woman 3] Oh, my god! Oh, my god, It's Sancho,
[woman 4] It's Don Quixote!
Don Quixote, I love you!
-See, I told you, -[woman 4] Can I take a photo?
Oh, my gosh, Oh, my gosh, Thank you so much,
Oh! I love you, Bye!
Yes, Sancho, My fame is indeed great,
Yeah, mine is too,
But Sancho,
we must now embark upon our greatest adventure
and find the maker of those lies and blasphemies against my lady,
That cur,,,
will beg her forgiveness
or suffer the wrath of my blade,
[Sancho] Yes!
-[engine starts] -Yeah, Let's go,
[engine revving]
[cheering]
[narrator] And that is the true tale
of the Ingenious Gentleman,
Don Quixote of La Mancha,
who arrives in times of darkness to bring hope to the people,
For a great story, before it can be told,
must be lived,
["Livin' the Dream" by Posh Kristoff and the JJ's]
¶ Blow on that bugle ¶
¶ And call the brigade ¶
¶ No second guessing ¶
¶ The plans have been laid ¶
¶ On with my boots ¶
¶ And off of my bottom ¶
¶ Light 'em and smoke 'em ¶
¶ As long as I got 'em ¶
¶ I fell out of bed ¶
¶ And went heels over head ¶
¶ Babies, I'm living the dream ¶
¶ Head in your helmet ¶
¶ Sew your vest too ¶
¶ Put the kettle of medals ¶
¶ And a hundred balloons ¶
¶ Fast on your feet ¶
¶ You stand at the ready ¶
¶ To fire your blunderbuss ¶
¶ Throw your confetti ¶
¶ Rise from your chair ¶
¶ And go any ol' where ¶
¶ Baby, you're living The dream ¶
¶ Blow on that bugle ¶
¶ Call the brigade ¶
¶ No second guessing ¶
¶ The plans have been laid ¶
¶ Over horizons How glory she beckons ¶
¶ We stand in our stirrups ¶
¶ We nod to our seconds ¶
¶ We fell out of bed ¶
¶ And went heels over head ¶
¶ Babies We're living the dream ¶
¶ We fell out of bed ¶
¶ And went heels over head ¶
¶ Babies, we're living ¶
¶ The days we are given ¶
¶ Babies We're living the dream ¶