♪ I've been starting over
♪ For a long time
♪ I'm not ready For another day ♪
♪ I fail at feeling new
♪ The time is right I'm only getting older ♪
♪ I'm not ready For the second wave ♪
♪ The weight Of seeing through ♪
♪ No, be bolder
♪ Golden light for miles
♪ I've been starting over For a long time ♪
♪ There's an answer for,,,
Dad! We're gonna be late!
Dad?
♪ Wasted years
♪ Waiting for a savior
♪ I'm not made out For the simple path ♪
♪ I'll take it day to day
♪ No, be bolder,,,
Wakey, wakey!
Angela!
Darius, you need to stop FaceTiming me so often,
♪ Portions of my mind
♪ I'm not ready For the moment ♪
♪ I'm not ready For the tide to change ♪
♪ I'm not ready For the silence ♪
♪ I'm not ready For the fear and shame ♪
♪ I'm not ready For the weight again ♪
Shit,
♪ Take me from myself
♪ From myself
Is that one of Mom's recipes?
Yep,
- Looks good, - Thank you,
- Want to pray? - Yeah,
Okay, Thank you, Father,
thank you, Father, for this food, for this food,
Many, many blessings, many, many blessings, ah-men, ah-men, amen,
Amen,
- Did you finish your work? - Yeah,
- Um, it was hard, but I called Isabella, - Isabella?
I thought she was not a good student,
She is, Dad, Where'd you hear that from?
Well, you told me last year she wasn't doing too well,
Especially not in math,
- That was last year, - Okay,
What's at 1:30?
Come on,
- Career Day, - Yeah,
Yeah, I'll be there,
It's just that there's the time change, and I--
But this is the only time we have to talk,
I know that, - Darius, the breakfast is ready,
In a minute!
If we don't FaceTime, we won't talk,
How will we stay friends?
You need to make new friends,
- ones that live in your own time zone, - No, wait, please!
Just go out and meet people, Make friends,
You'll be happier that way, You'll see,
- Just, please, hold on, - Bye, Darius,
Didn't you hear me calling you?
My huevoshave gone cold, Rosa,
My huevos have gone cold,
- Christian? - Hey,
What are you doing, man?
I was just meditating,
You all right, man?
Yeah, Yes,
Yeah, I'm good, I'm awesome,
Bullshit,
Did she kick you out again? 'Cause you can't
keep passing out in your car like this, man,
You're pissing everybody off in the building,
Yeah, No, you're right, Absolutely right,
Cool, Cool, cool, cool,
Also, it's the 5th, so if you could
drop your check off in my box, that would be great,
You know what happens when it's the 6th,
- That was,,, - Huh?
,,,a one-time thing, okay?
That's great,
Cool,
Sweetheart, please call us back, Your dad and I are worried,
We know what happened with the record label, honey,
I know you must feel terrible,
We just want you to know
that we love you no matter what,
Please give us a call, honey, Please?
- Ugh! - Ladies,
Well, did you call 911?
- Yes, - What'd they say?
Well, they said since he's already dead,
it's not technically an emergency,
- I don't know about that, but-- - What are you doing?
Documenting, It's the first part of any investigation,
This isn't an investigation,
- It is now, - Ned, stop it,
If I see that on the Facebook,,,
Facebook?
I'm on Snapchat,
- I think we should move him, - Why?
Because the kids are gonna be walking right by here!
The kids, That's right,
Do you think it would hurt him?
- Where should we put him? - Um, let's put him in the, uh,
uh, up in the teacher's lounge,
- Okay, - Okay,
Oh!
Well, good morning,
Good morning,
You're here early, aren't you?
Uh-huh,
Well, why don't you just take a seat,
and we'll be right back,
Okay,
Move!
Stop,
- Wait, please, - Stop,
They told me to sit here while they moved the man,
Sounds good to me,
He's gone,
1:30, I don't want you to be late,
I'm not gonna be late,
- Promise? - Yeah,
- Who's that? - That's Mr, McCrow, He's the music teacher,
Is he smoking a cigarette?
Two,
Should he be doing that on campus?
Probably not,
Excuse me,
Excuse me!
Should you be smoking on school grounds?
- I mean, the guy is smoking three-- - Dad!
- I don't under-- - Dad, I've gotta go,
Okay, All right,
- One,,, - Thirty,
Darius?
Today's my last day,
What?
I got a new job with a new family,
I'm sorry, I,,, I didn't know how to tell you,
You're leaving me?
It's just too much moving,
Will I still see you?
I hope so,
Got you some Rolos,,, to help you make friends,
Bye, Rosa,
Bye, Darius,
All right, there,
Principal Nichols?
- Jesus! - I know,
We found him this morning next to a big pile of manure,
He must've passed away
before he had a chance to spread it over the lawn,
It's okay, Mindy,
But it really does make you think,,,
about the anonymity of it all,
I mean, this man tended to our grounds for a decade,
we don't even know his name,
- Kevin, - What?
Kevin, His name was Kevin,
Kevin,
Thought it'd have been something more Mex,,,
more monosyllabic,
Like Joe, maybe, or, uh, Ted,
You know? A good Ted,
But Kevin? Ha!
Never heard of a gardener named Kevin,
Mindy, we need to leave him here so the kids don't see him,
Now, I've called the paramedics, They should be here soon, Oh!
You're just a big bag of surprises this morning, aren't you, Kev!
That'll do, Ned,
Now, we've got to go out and do morning assembly,
When the paramedics arrive, lead them here and show them the body,
In the meantime, see if you can find his emergency contact information,
- We should notify his family, - Should I close the lounge?
Close the teacher's lounge?
Do you have any idea what kind of shit storm that would unleash? No!
Okay, but if we're gonna be storing a corpse here, don't you think--
Hey, morning, everybody,
Say, did you guys catch The Voicelast night?
There was this guy, had the face of a toad,
I mean, this guy was ugly,
even by amphibian standards,
but then he opens his mouth to sing,
and darned if that toad doesn't just turn into
a strapping young prince right before your very eyes,
But then I guess that's why they call it The Voice,
Excuse me, I'm sorry about this,
All right, have a good day, I'll see you later,
- Close the lounge, - Yeah, go ahead and close it,
Now,
- Hello? - Daniel?
- Yeah? - Daniel Crawford?
Yes,
This is Bob,
- Bob? - Nadine's wife,
Husband, Sorry, I meant husband,
Listen, I know about you and Nadine,
- What? - Spare me the bewilderment, Danny,
I know it's happening, you know it's happening, we both know it's happening,
I'm calling because I want to get lunch with you,
You want to get lunch with me?
- Yes, - Why?
Lots of reasons,
curiosity being the largest, I guess,
A man having sex with your wife,
you're naturally inclined to compare yourself to him,
It's masochistic but unavoidable,
Oh, and there's one other thing, I don't want to lie,
so I'm going to be very up-front about this,
- I may kick your ass, - No, Bob--
My secretary's going to call Nadine, and they'll set up a time for us,
I'm totally cock-fucked with appointments today,
but I think I'll be able to squeeze it in,
Look, Bob, can I call you later? Please, this--
Sorry, Daniel, got to run, I've got a meeting I've been dreading all week,
Shit,
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Morning, Daniel,
What's going on here?
The whole office has gone bat-shit,
- That's what's going on, - Why?
- They're not saying, - Who? Who's not?
Building security, It's been like this since 6: 00 a,m,
They taped off the kitchen and won't say why,
Can we use the coffee machine?
Maybe you didn't hear me,
They taped off the kitchen!
How am I supposed to get to my office?
You got to go down to the lobby and take the freight elevator,
- Are you kidding? - Do I look like I'm kidding?
This,,, This is ridiculous,
Don't expect me to cover for you, Daniel!
If you get caught, I'll roll over on you, Don't do-- Don't--
♪ To you
- ♪Happy birthday to you ♪ - Field Publishing,
Good morning, Daniel, I have some--
- Bob called, - Shit,
- Look,,, - You ruined my life,
- Do you hear me? You ruined my life! - I'm sorry,
Oh, I'm glad to hear that, I'm glad to hear that you're sorry!
In all fairness, I wasn't acting alone,
Don't you dare try to put this on me, You took advantage of me!
Took advantage? You sent me an email with a typo saying you wanted to blow me,
- Well, you took me up on the offer! - Yeah,
Let's not point fingers here, We'll figure this out,
Gonna figure this out, We're gonna figure this out?
That's easy for you to say, You don't have anyone to lose!
I'm sorry, That was mean,
Bob wants to have lunch with me,
- And he's-- - My husband, Bob?
- Yes, - Wants to have lunch with you?
- Yes, - What's he gonna say to you?
What are you gonna say to him? What are you gonna tell him?
Are you gonna tell him about the,,,
Don't tell him, Do not tell him,
- Don't talk to Bob! - I'm telling you because he said
he was going to have his assistant contact you and schedule it for today,
You can't have lunch with him today, He's cock-fucked with appointments today,
Yeah, he said that, He said that exactly, actually,
Oh!
Oh, this is rich,
Enjoy your lunch with Bob, Daniel,
And he's gluten-free, so don't fuck it up!
Go through it,
Give it here,
What's this?
You know I'm allergic to nuts, idiot,
I'll be back, Hey, you're new,
- What? - You're new,
Yes, This is my first day,
- I like your glasses, - Thanks,
What are these, crystal?
Can I have my glasses back?
I'll think about it,
Come on, I need them for class,
You can have them back if you beat me in a pushing contest,
What's a pushing contest?
Come on, let's go,
♪ Now, I don't Hardly know her ♪
- Thanks, - Of course,
You might want to stay away from Rufus,
Right,
What class are you looking for?
- 17-A, I think, - Um, you're in my class,
Come on, Follow me,
♪ And when she comes Walking over ♪
I know you guys are all super excited
for your parents to come this afternoon for Career Day,
but we have a lot of work to do this morning, so we're just gonna get going
on our crazy busy day, all right?
Uh, Rufus, are those your eyeglasses?
- No, - Take them off,
We're gonna start with going over last night's homework
before preparing for the chapter test on Friday,
♪ And I'm not Such a sweet thing ♪
♪ I wanna do everything
♪ What a beautiful feeling
♪ Crimson and clover
Hey,
Look, it's not important which direction you go,
What's important is that you commit,
If you're gonna go left, go left,
If you're gonna go right, just go right, all right?
Don't dick around and teeter from foot to foot,
Just choose,
commit, and move,
You got it? Say it back to me,
Choose, commit, move,
Yeah,
That's great, Okay?
What was that all about?
Nadine, she--
It's nothing,
Look, Lenny, I can't really talk,
I have some stuff I need to finish early
so I can get to Patricia's career day,
You ever done one of those before?
- No, - Wait, you got a plan?
Those kids can be rough, man,
It's not like standing up
and talking in front of a group of 40-year-olds,
I can tell you that much,
Career day is an event,
It's a happening, It's a happening of monumental proportions,
Those little fuckers can be brutal,
You-You've been to one?
Last year, My nephew,
I was sure that they were gonna love me,
that I was gonna leave that classroom a champ,
They made me feel like a loser,
Let me give you some advice,
Don't lie, They can tell, and they hate you for it,
- I don't care what they think, - Yeah, but Patricia cares,
Oh,
We've got a department meeting in the conference room,
Building security called it,
Come on, I'll race you,
All right, everyone, stop your talking,
Stop your talking!
My name's Arthur Schneedy,
Corporate transferred me over here to shape this department up,
and shape it up I shall,
I want to be brief so we can all get back to work, so I'm just gonna
turn it over to the head of building security, Melanie Brickman,
- Melanie, you want to take it? - Uh, it's Melissa, sir,
- Melissa, Melissa Brickman, - Thank you,
Good morning, people,
My name's Melissa Brickman,
My friends call me Brick,
but none of you are my friends,
so you can just disregard that little peek behind the curtain,
I'm sure you've all noticed
the yellow caution tape blocking off the hallway,
And I'm sure the "foodies" among you
have noticed the department kitchen is closed,
Right?
Well, I'm here to explain why,
Got here around 5:00 this morning,
Did my usual rounds, Nothing was out of the ordinary,
Everything seemed hunky-dory,
It wasn't until about 6:00, when Mr, Schneedy called
and informed me
that something was, in fact, amiss,
Mr, Schneedy,
you wanna go ahead and tell them what you told me?
First thing I did in the morning,
I made a beeline for the coffee machine,
I fired that baby up, I gave her a few minutes,
came back to pour myself a cup of joe,
but when I tipped the carafe, nothing came out,
Not a goddamn drop,
At first I was confused, I was disoriented,
And then I spotted it,
The power cord had been slashed,
That's right,
Somebody sabotaged the coffee machine,
Ah, but it gets worse,
Next to the broken appliance,
I found the following note:
"Fuck Field Publishing,"
And it is adorned with a god-awful drawing
of a human penis,
just shy of climax,
Now, once Mr, Schneedy
informed us about the crime,
my boys did a sweep of the department kitchen
and concluded that
the machine had been sabotaged,
most likely over the weekend,
So, the only people who would've had access are
employees of Field Publishing,
accounts department,
which means everyone in this room,
Now, Mr, Schneedy has requested an investigation,
so we're gonna be setting up shop in the conference room next door,
We're just gonna ask you all to stop by, answer a few questions,
With all of your cooperation, we hope to settle this matter
by the end of the day,
That's all I have for them at this point, sir,
I'm not a stupid man,
I get it, I'm hip,
Let's keep it real,
I know what you're all thinking,
New guy comes in,
Whoa,
he's overreacting to a relatively minor incident,
but let me be clear:
This is not about an electrical appliance,
This is about vandalism,
All right, you can go,
One more thing, Uh, when you're done talking to Brick,
I want you to shoot by my office, introduce yourselves,
I want you to come prepared with your name,
your favorite work achievement,
and one interesting fact about yourself,
It'll be a good way for me to get to know you all,
- This guy's dead, - Yeah,
Well, this is how I found him,
He was lying dead like this outside
- by a pile of manure, - A big pile of manure,
He was outside?
- Yes, - And how did he get inside?
- We moved him, - You moved him?
You bet we did,
I mean, we had to wheelbarrow him up those stairs, It was a workout,
Do you know that moving a dead person
without the consent of the family
or civic authority is illegal?
- Totally! - Wha-- Wha--
She gave the orders on that one,
Well, what were we supposed to do?
We can't leave a corpse in the middle of a field,
This school isn't public,
Next time you move a dead body,
just make sure you ask permission first,
Well, hopefully there won't be a next time,
Lady, there's always a next time,
Well, aren't you going to take him with you?
- We're paramedics, - So?
We don't deal with dead bodies, we deal with dying people,
Whoa! So you're just gonna leave him here?
We can't just drive dead bodies around the city, okay?
We need to keep our van open for real medical emergencies,
You know, people with strokes or heart attacks,
People that have fallen off of buildings, that sort of thing,
Well, what are we supposed to do with him?
- Call the coroner, - Oh, my God, I can't-- No!
You're actually going to leave a dead body in our teacher's lounge?
You're the one who moved him,
What are they doing?
They took the donuts,
What,,, They're not taking the body?
Well, apparently, he's too dead for them,
- What? - Did you tell everyone the lounge is closed?
- Yeah, They weren't too happy, - No shit,
What about his emergency contacts?
We don't have anything on file for him,
so I called the landscaping company,
but they have four Kevins on staff,
What? Ha!
Are you serious? They got four gardeners over there named Kevin?
Yeah, So?
So, I'm still trying to absorb the fact
that there's one gardener named Kevin,
and you come in here and tell me there are four?
I feel like it's a set of Russian dolls,
I just keep, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!
- Kevins coming out of my ears! - Stop!
Just find out which Kevin he is and contact his family,
In the meantime, I am going to reach out to the coroner,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, wait, Mindy, Mindy--
The Bayeux Tapestry is a record
of all the Norman conquests, which is amazing,
because they were actually able to weave and--
All right, guys, see you after art class,
Excuse me,
Can I have a word?
Um, sure,
In private, if you don't mind,
Okay,
Oh, my gosh!
- Would you like a Rolo? - What are Rolos?
They're candies, Adult candies,
Thank you,
So, um, what did you want to talk to me about?
- I wanted to thank you for helping me this morning, - Oh, yeah,
Don't worry about it,
It's tough being the new kid,
People, they seem to pick on you,
- Yeah, - I'm used to it, though,
I've been to tons of different schools,
- You have? - I just moved from London,
I've lived everywhere-- Chicago, New York,
Mumbai-- that was hot,
- I'm Darius, - Nice to meet you,
I was named after Darius the Great,
Who is Darius the Great?
- A musician, - Cool,
Well, I'm Patricia, I was named after my grandma,
- I bet she was a lovely woman, - She's not dead,
Oh, good,
Hey, Christian,
You'll like this,
Mike Friedlander shat his pants in my class this morning,
Right there at his desk,
He gets this concentrated look on his face,
and I'm thinking, there's no way
he's that into my lecture on sanding and then,,, pfft!
Whole room smells like a five-week-old order of chicken tikka masala,
The boy is 12 years old,
When does it end?
You all right? What's going on?
When a man loses everything,
what's he got left?
Is this a trick question or something?
No,
Uh,,, nothing,
If a man loses everything, he has nothing left,
Yeah, that's about right,
You all right? You seem more down than usual,
Over the weekend, I had this realization, It's like,
- we spend our entire lives-- - Shit, they got the table saw,
Isaac! Put the blade down!
Isaac!
- How long have you lived here? - My whole life,
Your whole life?
Wow, Must be nice to have that kind of stability,
- I guess, - I used to,
Then my mom died,
Your mom died?
Yeah,
My mom did too,
Really? That's so--
Uh, I think we got to go to class now,
- Right, - Bye,
Patricia!
Yes?
- Will you go with me? - Darius--
Look, I know it's a big decision, so,,,
how about you think about it and tell me at lunch before Career Day?
Sure,
Okay,
Patricia?
We got to find the Swiss Army knife,
- What? - Find the Swiss Army knife,
What do you mean, "find the Swiss Army knife"?
Well, clearly whoever did this used a Swiss Army knife,
- Why do you say that? - I watch a lot of NCIS, Daniel,
and after a while you pick up on certain investigative tactics,
Isn't NCISthe navy one?
Just because the crimes are aquatic
don't mean that the techniques are any less useful,
Gotta pay attention to the little details,
That cord was cut clean,
That was a sharp blade,
All we got in the kitchen are those little plastic knives,
You can't even cut a bagel with one of those,
No, It's not a scissor,
That'd be like gnawing at that cord,
Nah, this is a sharp blade,
Not a little Swiss Army knife for your cuticles but, like,
a pocket knife, Swiss Army knife,
- Kinda makes sense, - "Kinda"?
No, it does make sense, It's like The Fugitive,
- I don't want to hear about The Fugitiveagain, - Find the one-armed man,
But we're not looking for a one-armed man, we're looking for
a two-armed man with a Swiss Army knife,
- This is Daniel, - Daniel, security is ready to see you,
- How are you, Daniel? - Good,
Good, Care for anything to drink? Water, soda, anything like that?
No, thanks, I'm okay,
Coffee?
I thought the coffee machine was broken,
I was just kidding,
You got your wits about you,
You'd be shocked how many we fool with that one,
Okay, children,
little ones, friends,
Jesus,
Look, um, I know I said we would be
working on recorders today, which is fun,
always is, but, um,,,
there's been a change of plans,
Uh,,, What's up, Nathan?
I need to go to the bathroom,
I sympathize with you, my man, but, um,
I can't let anybody leave today, all right?
The lesson's just too important,
yeah, and, uh,,,
it actually might be the most important lesson
that you've ever learned, and, uh, trust me,
you'll learn it,
I'll get started, Okay, so, uh,,,
today, guys, I just want to
talk to you about,,,
- Fear? - Failure!
Yeah,
Failure,
What time did you arrive at work this morning, Daniel?
Around 9:00, I think,
When you got here at 9:00, what did you do?
I walked in, and I saw,
you know, the,,, the crime scene,
I asked what was going on, and then I went into my office,
Daniel,
look me in the eye,
Did you sabotage the coffee machine?
- Are you serious? - Oh, I'm dead serious,
- It's a simple yes-or-no question, - No,
Daniel, look me in the eyes,
- Did you sabotage-- - No!
Let me finish the question,
I know what you're going to ask,
Wow, You seem to have a strange affinity for telepathy,
I did not sabotage the coffee machine,
That'll be all, Mr, Crawford, Thank you,
- You all right? - No, it's a full-on interrogation,
What?
Hey, don't forget to go meet the new boss,
Damn it!
Yell at me,,,
And it all boils down to this,
All right, this is the moment of clarity, wherein
pessimism gives way to nihilism,
and nihilism gives way to acceptance, right?
We will all reach this day,
And for me,
that day,,,
is today,
Today's that day,
- Daniel Crawford, - Go on in, hon,
Daniel Crawford, sir,
- Please, - Thank you,
How was your, uh, meeting with Brick?
Fine, I mean, it was a little intense,
Intense? How?
They're really just treating this whole thing like it's a major crime,
Which makes sense,
Well, the whole purpose of this sit-down is just
for me to get to know you, so,,, let's hear it,
Okay, My name is Daniel Crawford,
My proudest work achievement,
I would say, I-I guess, is,,,
securing the Bridgewater account-- that was a big deal,
- The Bridgewater account? - Yes,
That was-- That was your achievement?
You mean, was I personally responsible?
- Yeah, - No, but it was a team, you know--
Well, then, that's not really your achievement, is it?
I mean, can you think of anything that you've done
that other people didn't have a hand in?
Yeah, Yeah,
Does it have to be recent?
Jesus, Daniel, it's not supposed to be a difficult question,
The thing is,
- I'm an account manager, so-- - So?
So, the job I do is mostly administrative,
- So? - So, it's like,
what I do is help the ship run smoothly,
it's not like I would have a ton of achievements, per se,
I didn't ask you for a ton, Daniel, I asked you for one,
Yeah,
you know, I,,,
I write the company newsletter,
The company newsletter?
Yes, I-I write it,
The company newsletter,
- Yes, - Okay, uh,
why don't we just, uh, move on,
Tell me something interesting about yourself,
Well, something interesting about me?
Yeah,
I play guitar,
Acoustic or electric?
Mostly acoustic,
That's not interesting, Daniel,
Not interesting at all,
Well,,,
- Psst! - What?
Have you thought about it?
I thought I had until break,
You do, I just thought I would check in, you know?
Oh, well, um, I haven't really been thinking about it,
Okay, great, No problem,
Psst!
- What? - I just wanted to let you know
while you're thinking about it
that I'm a really great guy,
I always look both ways before I cross the street,
and I don't kill bugs unless they look poisonous,
I'll take it all into account,
Great, thanks,
- Psst! - What?
Can I borrow a pencil?
Oh, yeah, Sure,
- Here you go, - Thanks,
Daniel, hey, you get my message?
I know I said we could do lunch,
but it's gonna have to be coffee instead,
I've been getting butt-punked with meetings all morning,
3:00 work for you?
Actually, no, That's why I called,
It doesn't, I have my daughter's Career Day this afternoon,
I know that, My wife is your assistant,
I'm pretty in the loop as far as your schedule is concerned,
Right, but I don't know how long Career Day's gonna last,
and I don't know if there's some type of thing afterward,
- You mean like an after-party? - Yeah,
Is Jay Z's kid in the class?
Look, Bob, the truth is, I don't want to meet,
No "buts," goddamn it! You put your vagina in my wife's cock!
Cock in my wife's vagina! You know what I mean,
You fucked my wife, And now you owe me coffee,
And I mean that in a figurative and literal sense,
because I fully expect you to pay!
- I'll see you at 3:00, Daniel, - Look, Bob, that's,,,
All right, everybody, that's enough for today,
Patricia! It's break,
Have you decided?
- Yes, - Really?
No, I didn't mean "yes" like "yes,"
I meant, "Yes, I've come to a decision,"
Oh,
Look, Darius, um,
I'm sorry, but I don't want to go out with you,
Is it because I'm new?
No, no, It has nothing to do with that,
But if you knew me better,
maybe you would have said yes,
I mean, it's true I don't know you, but--
- I see, - Uh, are you okay?
Yeah,
Are you sure?
Yes,
Oh, Oh, no, Please don't cry,
It's just,,,
I've had a really hard day,
Sorry,
Yes, well, I've been trying all morning, Your line's been busy,
Yes, and they told me to call you,
Look, just get here as soon as you can,
Well, how long will that be?
All right, fine, Thank you,
So, what'd the coroner say?
They said they'd be here ASAP,
What does that mean?
Well, hopefully within the hour,
- No, what does "ASAP" mean? - A-S-A-P,
Oh, my God,
It means,
"as soon as possible,"
Okay, So, do they think they'll be here before Career Day starts?
How the hell do I know, Ned?
Okay, so I reached out
to all the emergency contacts for all the Kevins,
and they're insisting that their Kevin is still alive,
Well, one of them is wrong,
Yes, one is wrong, but which one?
Look, until we can say for sure which one it is,
I don't feel comfortable calling these people,
Okay, I understand,
Lounge is closed,
- Is this a joke? - I said the lounge is closed,
How come he gets to be in here?
Gary, please?
So the faculty gets cast out into the wilderness,
but the fucking gardener gets to nosh on bear claws all day?
This is bullshit,
All right, all,,,
how long before the parents start showing up?
Not long, and we need to start preparing
for situations like this,
Somebody could stumble in here before the coroner gets here
and destroys the body,
Coroners don't destroy bodies, Ned,
Mindy, please,
Let's not lose the forest for the tree,
Oh, my God, Well, I'll be damned,
What?
He's got a lottery ticket,
So?
So, it's a winner,
I doubt it,
How much?
Uh, I have no idea,
I can never figure these fucking things out,
All right, let's see, "Match three, show a prize,
Two diamonds doubles the prize, Treasure chest triples the prize,"
Huh? Okay, so he's,,,
What is he?
Hey, he won a free ticket,
- That is not a win, - How is that not a win?
It's just a ruse to get you to play this stupid game again,
Well, I'm keeping it,
Uh, you can't keep a dead man's lottery ticket,
News flash, Mindy: You can't move a dead man either,
but we did that, at what, 7:30 this morning, so I'm good,
- Throw it out, Ned, - No way,
Ned,,,
I will buy you 10 tickets, Just throw that one out,
Ten? I'm gonna hold you to that, Mindy, you're my witness,
Okay, fine, I'm your witness, God,
You got another coffee?
I'm sorry I didn't get you one,
She just brought it to me 'cause of my knee,
- You're just gonna rub it in my face-- - Daniel Crawford?
- Yes? - Mr, Schneedy wants to see you,
You wanted to see me?
Nadine just met with Brick in the conference room,
and,,,
she told her something very interesting,
She did?
Why don't you sit?
I'm-- I'm sorry,
You're sorry?
Yes, I'm sorry,
I don't know what else to say, I'm embarrassed,
Well, you should be, It's a goddamn place of business,
You can't behave like a child
and not expect to face the consequences,
I know, You're right,
Yeah, I know I'm right, I'm your boss,
Well, for what it's worth, it ended this morning,
Her husband found out, and,,,
she pretty much hates me now, so,,, it's over,
What the hell are you talking about?
Wait, what exactly did Nadine say?
Sweet holy Lord,
You're having an affair with your assistant?
I thought that's what she told Brick,
No, she said that you were the one who sabotaged the coffee machine,
- What? - You're cramming Nadine?
She said I sabotaged the coffee machine?
- Do you have any idea how reckless that is? - What did she say?
I told you what she said, She said that
you were the one who sabotaged the coffee machine,
- Two other assistants are backing-- - Two? Who?
Daniel, they overheard you making plans last Friday,
Plans? Are you fucking kidding me?
How much planning do I have to do to slash an electric cord
and write "Fuck Field Publishing" on a slip of paper?
I don't know, Daniel, I don't know the inner workings of the criminal mind,
You believe this bullshit? This is horseshit!
- I don't see why she should lie, - I just told you she hates me,
Yeah, well, we have two other assistants backing up their story,
Or did you break off affairs with those too?
They're her friends, You know how assistants are,
Actually, I don't know how assistants are,
You know why? 'Cause I don't fuck 'em,
- I didn't-- - You're fired,
What?
You're fired,
Pack up your shit, put it in a box,
and then follow your wandering dick out of the building,
Thanks,
I did not sabotage the coffee machine,
Escort,
Can I help you? 'Cause I'm trying to get some work done,
- You got me fired, - What?
I lost my job, Nadine,
- Daniel, they fired you? - Yes,
I got fired, and now I have to go speak at Patricia's Career Day,
Nadine, I'm out of cover sheets for the memos,
Hang on just a second, Aaron,
- I am so sorry, I didn't mean ever-- - Maybe you didn't hear me,
- Excuse me one second, - Sorry, This is important,
- Why would you actually-- - I'm out of cover sheets for memos,
I'm having a conversation, Hang on just a minute,
- Why would you tell him that I did that? - I am so sorry,
- Aaron, please! - It's what you intended!
- We're having a conversation! - Could you hold up for a second?
- You intended this! - I need the cover sheets,
- Aaron, please! Daniel, wait, - Just give me the cover sheets,
Right here, Right up here,
- Here! - Thank you,
It's pretty easy,
- All you had to do is just reach in a drawer-- - Dude,,,
Okay,
Just hand me your keycard, and you're good to go,
All right,
- How are you? - What?
How are you? I mean, you've had such a crazy day--
losing your job, your plot getting foiled,
There wasn't a plot,
You don't have to justify yourself to me, okay?
This is not the judicial part of the office,
This is Human Resources,
I am a human being, You are a human being,
We are humans, being together,
I just want to know you're doing okay,
- I'm not, I'm not okay, - Hmm,
That's what I figured, given your recent infractions,
but,,,
I wanted to hear you say it,
Thanks for all your good work,
Oh, hey, well, you know,
you train, you prepare, and when the shit hits the fan,
you just hope that muscle memory kicks in,
Well, it did, and I thank you, Now you should go,
Oh, yeah, Um, okay,
We need the conference room, Also, I got to head out early,
Yes, sir,
No one cares,
No one cares at all,
You all right there, pal?
Looks like you're having a rough go,
- Do you want to talk about it? - That's okay,
You wouldn't understand,
Maybe not,
but it couldn't hurt to try, right?
Come on,
Maybe we should talk outside,
Nonsense,
A little bacteria here and there is good for you,
Helps the immune system,
Come on,
So what's going on?
Do you have someone to share your life with?
You mean like, am I married?
Yes,
How long have you and your wife been together?
Mm, seven years,
Would you say you enjoy being with her?
Yes, most of the time,
Would you say she's your everything?
What?
Would you say she's your everything?
Uh, if pressed,
yes, I would say she's my everything,
She's your everything,
She's my everything,
Your everything,
- My everything, - Everything,
Okay, we've established her importance, Let's move on,
If a man loses everything,
what does he have left?
- Have you been talking to Mr, McCrow? - Who?
Never mind, It's just,,, nothing,
Um, nothing,
If a man loses everything, he has nothing left,
Thank you,
You've been very helpful,
You got it,
I can't picture her face anymore,
When I try,
all I get is fuzzy features and hazy eyes,
I lived with her for 15 years,
and I can't remember what she looks like, and I know she looks like our daughter,
but I can't remember,
I can't,,,
Have you tried dating or seeing someone else?
No, No,
Though I got involved with Nadine,
Which,,,
- That was stupid, - Nadine, Nadine, Nadine,
It got me fired, and now I have a meeting with Bob,
Who's Bob?
Nadine's husband,
Why are you meeting with her husband?
He wants to get coffee at 3:00,
Scratch that, 3:30,
And I have to go to my daughter's Career Day,
I have to speak at my daughter's Career Day, What am I gonna say?
I would not mention the coffeemaker
or getting fired
or Nadine,
Well, Daniel, I'd love to talk all day,
but I do still work here, so,,,
This does mark the end of your tenure here at Field Publishing,
but I just want you to know that I am available to you,
Okay? If you're ever in distress,
need support, or just a friendly voice,
I'm just a phone call away, okay?
I may not be a registered therapist, but I am a registered friend,
Thank you,
All right, good luck out there, okay?
- Yeah, - Gonna need it,
Oh, hey, Daniel? I should mention to you
that Mr, Schneedy requested that we cite
improper conduct as the reason for your termination,
so you won't get unemployment in this state,
- Serious? - I know,
It's like, my hands are so tied, you know,
but I think part of being human--
You're an asshole,
Beth!
See him out!
Uh, let's see, Where did we leave off last time?
We were talking about the mayor,
Does anybody remember where we left-- Patricia?
Um, Darius is gone,
- What? - Darius, the new kid?
Oh, No, he was here,
Um, but he's not now,
Well, you know what? He probably got lost,
If he's not back in five minutes, I'll go look for him,
Okay,
We were on 108, Page 108,
♪ So I fell asleep softly At the edge of a cave ♪
♪ But I should have gone deeper But I'm not so brave ♪
♪ And like that I was torn out And thrown in the sky ♪
♪ And I said all my prayers Because surely I'll die ♪
♪ As I crashed down and smashed Into earth, into dirt ♪
♪ How my skin did explode Leaving only my shirt ♪
♪ But from shirt grew a tree And then tree grew a fruit ♪
♪ And I became the seed And that seed was a brute ♪
♪ I clawed through the ground With my roots and my leaves ♪
Grab a crate, Take a seat,
♪ And I ate up the sleeves
♪ And they laughed out at me
♪ And said "What is your plan?" ♪
♪ Their question was foreign I did not understand ♪
♪ And then suddenly I'm ripped up and Placed in a mouth ♪
♪ And it swallowed me down At which time I head south ♪
I'm gonna take the LSAT this weekend,
I took the LSAT,
Mindy, Phone, please?
Yeah, I'm getting it,
Cathaway Central,
Is this the person who's been calling my family, telling them I'm dead?
Who the fuck do you think you--
- Who was that? - Kevin,
And the parents are here,
- Fuck! - Okay, should I call the coroner again?
No, don't do that!
No, no, no, no, no, They're already too late,
If anything, we should call them and tell them not to come,
so we won't have to carry a dead body out in the middle of Career Day,
All right, You should probably get ready,
Maybe get on your work clothes or something,
Thank you, Ned,
♪ And I dreamt about climbing Into the night sky ♪
♪ But I knew had I touched them They'd mouth back "bye-bye" ♪
♪ So I got up and walked down The path in the dark ♪
♪ And there deep In the distance ♪
Come on, hurry up,
♪ Of a crab twice my size
♪ With incredible strength
- You look worried, - I'm fine,
♪ And we drooled out together Right onto the ground ♪
I know you all have busy schedules, and we appreciate
your taking the time to come today and speak,
All right, the format is pretty simple,
- Do you have dreams? - Dreams?
Yeah, like goals,
ambitions, stuff like that,
I don't know, I guess,
Over the weekend, I had a realization,
We all have these grand aspirations
and these dreams
that we're never gonna live up to,
We're just gonna go alphabetically,
- What the fuck? - Oh, God,
What the hell are you doing here?
My kid's in this class, What are you doing here?
I just-- I just love Career Days,
Excuse me, I'm sorry, Uh,,,
- Is this Miss Arin's 6th-grade class? - Yes, you're in the right place,
- Great, - I just want you guys to pay attention today and really be--
What's your dream?
I wanted to be a musician,
Were you any good?
Yeah, I was good,
I was pretty good,
You know, I think I was good,
But it doesn't matter,
I'm gonna die having never done anything, ever,
- The thing about hospice is,,, - This is awkward,
Yeah,
You know, if I had any idea you were gonna be here today,
I would've waited to fire you till tomorrow,
- Wow, You got a big heart, - Oh, don't patronize me,
- Don't talk to me, - Shut up,
Well, my dad's name is Daniel Crawford,
and he works for a magazine publishing firm
called Field Publishing,
Oh, yeah, This'll be good,
Um, would you like a minute, Mr, Crawford?
- Hmm? - Would you like a minute?
No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine,
Well, first of all,
I don't work for Field Publishing anymore,
I got fired today,
So technically I'm unemployed,
I don't have a career, But, um,
I was an accounts manager, and actually,
if any of you parents know anyone that's hiring
or maybe hiring yourselves, I would love to talk to you after class,
Well, I guess I can take questions now,
- Yes? - Why did you get fired?
I was accused of breaking the department coffee machine,
Yeah,
- Did you do it? - No,
- Yeah? - What are you gonna do now?
I don't know,
My dad says you should only do what you love,
- What does your dad do? - He's an accountant,
And a liar, An accountant and a liar,
Any more questions?
Uh, no, no, I think that's enough for today,
- Thank you, Mr, Crawford, - Oh, but there's one last thing, one last thing,
The guy who fired me
is standing right there!
Oh, God,
- Wow, really? - Mm-hmm,
Yeah, you wanna? Okay, How you doing?
- Who's next? - I'm next, I'm next,
- We're going alphabetically, - Well, that's okay,
I don't think we need to go alphabetically,
- I think I'll go next, - That would be great,
- Great, Yeah, let him go next, - You okay with that?
Yeah,
- Let's see what you got, - Okay, Darius,
why don't you introduce me?
Where is he? Is he on a bathroom break or something?
Hey, man, I'm spilling my guts over here,
What, uh, brings you up to the roof?
Nothing,
A man does not go on a roof
in the middle of the day for no reason,
Even if he is a very small man,
So what's up?
I guess I'm just lonely,
Yeah,
I'll introduce myself, My name is Arthur Schneedy,
I am Darius's father,
I am senior operating officer at Field Publishing,
My job involves a lot of travel,
I'm constantly put in situations where I'm forced to
take control of offices
filled with employees who don't know me and resent me
because of my superior status,
But I do my job,
The moment a problem arises, I nip it in the bud,
Just this morning, I,,,
I was given the opportunity
to show some new employees how I do business,
I invited Daniel into my office to discuss
a vandalized coffee machine,
and he took that opportunity to let it slip
that he had been carrying on a-- how do I put it?--
a series of brisk workouts in Cupid's gymnasium
- with his female office assistant, - This is getting inappropriate!
I'm sorry, but I got to finish,
- Okay, This is getting inappropriate, - Hang on one second,
- Keep it about the career, - Uh, yeah, This is exactly
- what I was dealing with at work today, - They're 6th graders,
I appreciate that,
It turned out that Daniel and his vagabond sausage,
they were violating office policy,
They broke-- everyone in the office
knows that he broke rules--
Everyone in that office knows that you are a piece of--
Tread lightly, Daniel, Tread lightly,
The last person who called me that, they got kicked real hard,
- Okay, boys, that's enough! - Real hard,
- You,,, - Don't do it,
- Are a piece,,, - Daniel!
- You cannot un-ring that bell, - of shit!
- We're going outside! - Let's go outside,
Outside!
- Yeah? - Yeah, we're gonna do this,
- Oh, it's time to go! - Yeah, uh-huh!
I need to ask you something, because,,,
it would be irresponsible not to, but,,,
you didn't come up here to jump, did you?
'Cause if you did,
I can't let you go through with it,
No, I just came up here to get away,
Did you?
I'm gonna make you my assistant,
Make you my little assistant,
- Here's what I'm gonna do to you, - I was tracking my steps,
All right, I'm ready,
You're going down!
Come to Daddy, Come to Daddy,
- Come on, - Come on, bro,
You wanna come?
You think I don't study this madness?
What is going on?
- The roof! - Oh, Jesus!
Uh, uh, call 911!
What's going on down there?
Looks like a fight,
Looks more like they're dancing,
- Jesus, - Who's that?
It's my mom, She's worried about me,
You know how moms can be, right?
My mom's dead,
So maybe you don't,
Come on, Grandpa!
- When did she die? - A few years ago,
You miss her, huh?
When she was around, the moving was easier,
I could handle everything,
You're lucky you still have your mom,
Yeah,
Yeah, I guess I am,
You've gotta be kidding me,
You wanna make it real? You wanna make it real?
- Yeah! - Make it real!
- Real! - Real!
- Give me one sec, - Yeah, yeah,
I think that's my dad,
Who, the guy in the tank top?
Yeah,
I hate him,
Why? 'Cause he beats people up at your school?
Because he's always making me move, I'm always the new kid,
No one likes the new kid,
They all pick on him, shove his head in toilets, call him names,
- Being a kid sucks, - Yes,
Yes, it does,
Lady, we're not gonna pick up the dead guy,
No, the dead guy is not the problem,
That is the problem,
- Suicide case? - I don't blame him,
- Two, Two suicide cases, - Well, we don't do suicides,
- What? - We don't do suicides,
That is police domain, Just call the cops,
We called 911, Why do you keep showing up?
Why do you keep requesting us?
911 is not a deejay,
You don't make requests,
Well, clearly someone's never worked in emergency services,
Is this interesting?
Is this interesting at all?
That's my boy up there,
Darius?
What's he saying?
I think he's shouting my name,
Your name's Darius?
- What are you doing up there? - Like Darius the Great?
That's what I always tell people,
but my parents just found it in a name book,
Darius, sweetheart, what are you doing up there?
I should probably go down there,
- Yeah, you probably should, - Darius, be careful!
Hey, um, I know you had a rough day,
and you don't think anybody cares about you,
but I enjoyed talking with you, and,
for whatever it's worth, I care,
Thanks,,, What's your name?
Uh, well, you're supposed to call me Mr, McCrow, but,,,
but just call me Christian, all right?
Thanks, Christian,
And if you want my opinion,
I don't think you're a failure,
Hey, Darius,
Yeah?
I think I'm gonna come with you,
He's leaving! He's not gonna jump!
Christian!
That was pretty scary,
I won,
♪ Do you know when You were already gone ♪
Don't move, The paramedics are coming,
- They're on their way, - It's a miracle!
That has to be, like, 30 feet!
Sir?
Sir, can you hear me?
Can you tell me your name, please?
It's Christian,
- Any dilation? - Yep,
Pulse? Okay,
Sir, I'm gonna put some oxygen on, Just breathe normally, please,
- All right, on my count-- - Christian!
Hey,
Good move leaving the roof,
Are you gonna be okay?
You should tell your dad what you told me,
What the hell were you doing up there?
I don't know,
What were you doing up on the roof?
I don't want to move anymore, I just don't want to move,
I love you, buddy,
Patricia,,,
How could you do that?
How could you just come in here and,,,
Dad, do you know how hard
I've been trying to keep the two of us together?
- To keep us-- - Yes, I do,
And I behaved like a real jerk,
And I'd be upset too if my dad
showed up at school and got into a fight,
It's not that,
You and I are supposed to be a team,
Especially now that Mom's gone,
You should've told me first,
I deserved to know before the rest of my class,
- You're right, - And if you would've told me first,
I would've been able to say
that we would be okay, and that you would get another job,
and we'll make it through,
That's not your job,
It's not your job, okay?
I love you,
I'm sure glad you take after Mom,
Yeah, me too,
Darius,
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I am,
Dad, this is my new friend, Darius,
- Nice to meet you, Darius, - Nice to meet you, sir,
Actually,
Darius and I have a lot in common,
His mom died too,
I'm very sorry to hear that,
See you at school tomorrow?
Take it easy,
Yeah, you too,
♪ Shoved in the kitchen Of a city tomb ♪
♪ The light would flicker Like a violent womb ♪
♪ The night was thicker Than a smoky fume ♪
♪ And I just wanna Take you home ♪
♪ Love is a gentle thing
- ♪ Yours is thicker Than a velvet ring ♪ - I'll be right back,
♪ Yours is thicker Than a velvet ring ♪
Hey, Thought that was you,
Daniel,
Bob?
So sorry I had to keep rescheduling today,
I got, uh, fucking cock-rammed
with a whole series of meetings this afternoon,
- You want to order something? - No, I'm good,
You sure? Coffee, tea, anything like that? This place is great,
No, my daughter's in the car waiting, so I kind of want to make this quick,
- Smart, - What's smart?
Bringing your daughter along so I don't beat the shit out of you,
- That's not why she's here-- - It's fine,
Come on, Follow me,
Watch your head,
The bathroom?
The bathroom,
All right,
Pull out your cock,
What?
I told you, Daniel, I need to compare,
Healthy or not, I need to compare, It's human nature,
I need to compare our height, our weight, our hair color,
the way we pronounce certain multisyllabic words,
By the way, could you say, "antidisestablishmentarianism?"
Antidisestablishmentarianism,
Hmm, Interesting,
Anyway, I need to compare,
And of all the things I need to compare, the cock is the most important,
It's the part of you that committed the act,
Look, I don't feel comfortable
pulling out my cock in front of you,
And I'm not comfortable knowing you put your cock in my wife!
But I have to deal with it, Now, pull it out!
What are you doing?
You know what, Bob?
I've had a hell of a day today,
A hell of a day,
And I'm sorry what happened with Nadine, I really am,
But life's too short to waste time comparing cocks
with strangers in coffee shop bathrooms,
My daughter's in the car waiting, I'm gonna leave now,
Well, I'm gonna take your unwillingness to pull out your cock
as a sign that you have a tiny penis,
You can read it any way you like,
Okay, I will,
You still want to kick my ass?
No,
Nadine told me about what happened today,
Her lying about the coffee machine,
you getting fired and all that,
- Looks like you've had enough for one day, - That's kind of you to say,
Yeah, well I'm consoled by the fact
that your penis is unquestionably tiny,
You're free to go,
- Good to meet you, Daniel, - You too, Bob,
- What is that, an Indian burn? - Apache-style!
Ha!
Ow!
Oh, my God, What happened to your arm?
This dude gave me an Indian burn,
An Indian burn? I didn't know adults did that,
Well, neither did I,
Well, are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I think I am,
Buckle up,
♪ We wake up tired
♪ We wake up tired again
♪ We wake up tired
♪ My head is in your hands
♪ You hold me tighter
♪ Till pressure is too much
♪ But I say it's all right
♪ 'Cause every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, oh
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
♪ We wake up tired
♪ Your thoughts Are miles from here ♪
♪ I make my mind up
♪ About several times a year
♪ Really this time Really this time ♪
♪ We want the same thing
♪ But our paths Are not the same ♪
♪ Maybe this time, Maybe this time ♪
♪ Just hold me tighter
♪ And I'll hold you tighter
♪ Say it's all right
♪ 'Cause every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, oh, oh
♪ Every night you've got to
♪ Save my spot Till I am perched ♪
♪ From your hands
♪ Oh, oh
♪ It's all
♪ Undone
♪ And all of us Will be there ♪
♪ Just hold me tighter
♪ I'll hold you tighter
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, oh, oh, every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me
♪ Oh, every night You've got to save me ♪
♪ Every night You've got to save me ♪
- ♪ Every night - ♪ You've got to save me