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[PETRA] Elena,
I had a dream about you last night,
You were soft,
Walking the streets of New York
in a silk blouse,
I try to get close,,,
touch you,,,
to feel your smell,
But when I look, you're on top of a wall,
entangled in a mesh of electric wires,
I look again
and it's me who's on top of the wall,
I touch the wires,
trying to get a shock,
and I fall off the wall
from very high
and die,
*Dedicated to the One I Love
[PETRA] Our mother always told me
that I could live anywhere in the world,
Except New York,
That I could choose any profession
except acting,
On September 4th 2003,
I started studying Theatre
at Columbia University,
They wanted me to forget you, Elena,
But I returned to New York,
hoping to find you in the streets,
I bring with me everything you left in Brazil,
Your videos, pictures, diaries,,,
letters on tape
because you were always embarrassed
of your handwriting
and preferred recording your impressions
of the days here to send us,
Today I walked through the city
listening to your voice
and I identify so much with your words
that I start loosing myself in you,
[WOMAN] How old are you? -20,
[WOMAN] 20? And how tall are you?
five nine and a half,
[WOMAN] You were born in Brazil?
I was born in Brazil, and I've been here
almost a year and a half now,
[WOMAN] What brought you to come
to the United States?
I was doing theatre there
since I was 14 years old and then,,,
the possibilities in Brazil are like,
either you continue doing theatre
which, I mean, there are very few productions,
or you do soaps,
I was invited to do one,,,
I mean after a while I was in theatre,
but I don't really like it,
[WOMAN] You wanted to do other things?
Films,
And in Brazil, it's like, almost none!
Especially now that the system changed there,
It's like, 1 movie a year at best,
[WOMAN] Do your parents get you involved
in this business at all?
No, My mom is a journalist and sociologist,
she writes for the newspaper there
and my father's a politician,
He lives in Brazil as well,
*soft music
[PETRA] Actually,
our father always said that we inherited
this dream of making films from our mother,
and in the middle of your videotapes,
I found this film that she never showed me,
It's a silent film where she plays the lead,
From the time she still dreamed
of being a hollywood star
and kissing Frank Sinatra,
This made her feel like a woman,
And helped her escape from a world
where she felt out of place,,,
misunderstood,
The daughter of a traditional family from Minas Gerais,
she could see no place for herself
except in marriage,
A society lady,
One day,
sitting in front of the mirror in her dresser room,
she makes a drawing,
The drawing of her sadness
and decides she has until her 16th birthday
to find meaning to her life,
And she finds our father,
A Brazilian who just arrived
from the country she dreams of in films and songs,
but who comes back from New York
not as a Sinatra, but as a Che Guevera
carrying in his pockets books by Marx,
and the desire to start a revolution,
And overnight, our mother leaves the Catholic school,
sells her TV, her hair,
and jumps into the street demonstrations,
Together they joined the Communist Party
ready to be sent off the gurrila warfare in Araguaia,
But when the leaders see her 6 month belly,
they don't let them go,
Almost all the young people that go
end up executed by the military,
It was you in our mother's belly
who saved our parents lives,
And in the middle of this turmoil
you were born
and raised in hiding,
never allowed to tell anyone where you lived,
I wonder how this time
stayed in your memory,
In your body,
The first images I find of you
you just turned 13
and got this camera as a present,
It was when I was born,
in the 80s, the time of the amnesty,
Our family exited clandenistity
and seemed to enter an american commercial from the 50s,
And you start to dance,
Dance,,,
*intense piano music
My mother said that since you were 4
you knew you wanted to be an actress,
And it seems you always found a way
of putting me in the picture,
*upbeat music
[PETRA] You showed me
all the Sherly Temple movies
and trained me to become an actress,
First, you teach me how to sing,
[PETRA] You spend the afternoons directing me
acting, creating scenes,
[doorbell]
[PETRA] I remember watching this scene
where you killed my Nanny
and I had so many nightmares of this,
*Dedicated To The One I Love
[PETRA] When you turned 15 our parents separated
and you stopped filming,
And little by little,
I feel you becoming distant,
I look for you,
You stopped playing theatre with me
to become a real actress,
And when you're 17
you join the Flying Bull Theatre Group,
[PETRA] The other actors tell me
you practiced non-stop,
Obsessively,
That even when everything seemed perfect
for you it was never good enough,
Something was always missing,
*fast music
But you're not satisfied,
You want more,
You say you want to be a film actress,
[children singing]
And on my birthday you took me by the hand
led me up these stairs
came into this room
closed the door
and said:
[PETRA] You put the shell over my ear
and I hear the ocean,
[ocean waves fade in]
You were right,
7 was my worst age,
*fiddle music
[PETRA] You take your photos
to several film companies
and get to do some auditions,
You leave this interview excited
but the days pass
and there's no news,
No one calls you back,
You call them many times
and they tell you to wait,
You can't stand this time,
This waiting,
[subway noises]
[PETRA] I'm still 7
and you come back
thinking that here in Brazil
your roots will find more space to grow,
[PETRA] But a letter arrives
saying you were accepted to a university
in New York,
And our mom decides that this time
we'll go the 3 of us,
Together,
So we won't be so alone,
You get on the plane
showing me how everything works
how it flies,
But in an instant, you start crying,
It's your ears that hurt,
I feel strange seeing my big sister crying,
You argue with my mother,
There is anger in your crying,
Such deep, forceful crying,
*soft piano music
[PETRA] I don't like the first months in New York,
Olinda doesn't take care of me anymore
and I hate it,
I hate learning English,
The school
The teacher with her tiger skirt,
And the cold,
When I get home
I do 2 small rituals:
I scratch my wrists with a serated knife
till there really red
and I put a bandaid on my forehead,
You see me,
and pull me into the bathroom,
Serious, you say:
Petra, be a good actress,
If you want to draw attention, do it right,
Nobody's going to believe
in this bandaid in the middle of your forehead,
Hide it a bit under your bangs
and it will be much more convincing,
At that time I didn't believe in God
or in Santa Clause,
But I believed in mermaids,
They seemed as possible to me
as the seahorses I saw in the aquarium,
You take me to watch "The Little Mermaid"
in the cinema near our house
and on this day,
you start playing theatre with me again
and we come back singing
and feeling like her,
underwater,
Dreaming of changing skins,
Then, you read me the original story
where the Little Mermaid suffers
to be come a woman,
loses her voice and dies,
What do you mean, she dies?
I feel betrayed,
I ask to sleep with you,
What's left of this memory
is this dance we created together,
[PETRA] The Little Mermaid
accepts the pain of a knife
cutting into her body
bleeding her body
to get legs
and be able to dance,
[PETRA] One afternoon
I bring a friend home,
My first new friend after months,
I start showing her our house,
The living room, the bedroom,
until we come to yours,
I knock on the door
and come in with the girl,
You're all covered up
only your face is showing,
Your eyes are red,
Maybe you said something from your bed,
I don't remember,
All I remember is that when we left the room,
my friend with an anxious look
asked me what was wrong with you,
She's like that, I answered,
She's like that,
[PETRA] Our mother spends hours
looking for you in the streets,
desperate,
but after some time, you come back,
she takes you to a psychiatrist
and you start being treated with lithium,
[PETRA] You wake me up in the morning,
You're sad, I don't like it,
Your sadness,
I remember it's the day of show and tell
and it's my turn to take something
to show and tell to my class,
You go to your room,
you come back with a blue stuffed dog,
You explain that it has special powers
and that whenever I really wanted something
I just had to close my eyes,
make a wish,
shake the little dog,
and my wish will come true,
When it's time for show and tell
the children form a circle
and my turn comes to explain what the dog's about,
It shakes, and has sad eyes,
And the children ask:
but doesn't it play music?
Doesn't it do anything else?
No,
It only shakes and has sad eyes,
You stay home,
All day long at home
alone,
Doing what?
Talking to whom?
At the end of the day, a friend calls you,
You were supposed to meet,
I've been imagining this person
for 20 years,
What did you say to him?
What did he do?
[MAN] This one weekend
that we had planned on her
coming to see the show I was doing,
I called her late in the day,
She didn't sound good,
So I said 'Elena, I'll come and get you,
we'll go out for a drink,
we'll go out for a coffee
or whatever it is you like to do
I'll come get you,'
She was hysterical over the phone,
She was like 'I don't want you to see me like this'
and 'I'm not doing so well'
and I said 'No, Elena, it's OK
it's not a problem, I'll come and get you!
Please let me come and get you,
I'll jump in a cab and I'll come and I'll get you!'
and she said 'No no, Michael please,
I don't want to see you, I feel bad,
I feel terrible and I don't,,,'
I said 'I'm coming to get you,'
So I jumped in a cab with my roommate
and rang the bell, rang the bell, rang the bell,,,
She wasn't answering,
and then I ran to the corner
to a pay phone and I called her,
and I kept calling and calling and calling her
but the line was busy,,,
I was so frustrated, so angry,
I'd been out there for, like, an hour
and I didn't know what to do
when your mother showed up,
[PETRA] You take a whole bottle of aspirin
sit at a desk and write this letter,
[PETRA whispers] This time
I was not supposed to fight,,,
*soft piano music
[PETRA] When I got back home
I saw my mother with such a sad,
desperate look I'd never seen before,
Did Elena die? I asked,
And she told me it was you,
I found everything so cruel,
[PETRA] In the days that followed
my cousin told me that if I waned
I could keep on talking to you,
That you'd be invisible, but you'd hear me,
I do this,
I talk to you,
[PETRA] After you die,
our mother becomes longing,
Always with a sad, distant look,
I ask:
'what is it mom? Are you sad?'
She watches me in silence,
tries to smile and says
'I'm thinking of Elena,'
I come close, give her a hug,
touch her, just to try to make her smile,
And we repeats this ritual,
this talk everyday,
many times a day,
until I don't even have to ask,
I look at her and know she's thinking of you,
Almost always thinking of you,
Our father, when I ask him about you,
he can't speak,
He only looks away in silence,
Psychological report:
Petra is a 7 years, 6 month old girl
who was brought for psychological evaluation
by her mother,
The mother indicated that Petra started saying
that she wanted to die
and has been experiencing nightmares,
There is also evidence of depression,
and feelings of guilt,
Petra avoided talking about her sister,
Petra is using defences,
which suggest obsessive compulsive tendencies
in order to cope with difficult situations,
She is likely to continue using these defences
for a while,
which permit her to deny admission
of her true depression,
I turn 10
and my mother and I decide to spend our vacation
at the country home of some friends,
They have a golf cart
and I spend my days driving up and down,
One afternoon,
going around in circles with the cart,
I realize you'd died forever,
*soft music
Won't she ever come back again?
No,
She's dead,
She'll never come again,
I go back to the house
and realize my mother can die
and think that if I thought this
it means she'll really die at any moment
that it's a sign
and that I have to do everything that I can
to avoid it,
I start making promises constantly
that I won't ever eat salt again,
that i'll climb all the stairs
to the 19th floor of our appartment on my knees,
and that I'll never look at a mirror
so that she won't die,
I always went into the bathroom
with my eyes closed,
Then, like everything,
the fear disappeared
and you slowly disappeared with it,
Until it's time for university admission exams,
I study a lot,
but don't know where to go
what path to take,
At the very last moment,
I choose theatre,
But when night comes, I can't sleep,
Not even a minute,
2,,,
3,,,
5 days go by
and I don't sleep,
I start to feel that my brain's
going to explode,
Break down,
That a piece will come out of place,
Changing clothes,
I hear myself talking alone,
I look at the mirror
and can't see anything behind my eyes,
[PETRA] She convinces me
that life's not worth it,
I have to die with her,
I'm afraid,
Afraid of what time is going to do to me,
What's my role,,,
What's my role in this film?
I turn 17,,,
18,,,
And feel as the hours go by
I get closer to you,
Until on my 21st birthday
my mother looks at me and says:
'Now you're older than Elena,'
The fear that I'd follow in your steps
began to dissipate,
But I kept on finding that you,
Elena, were in me,
A part of me,
I stop feeling this
when I started looking for you,
You began taking shape,
A body,
Being re-born a bit, from me,
But to die again,,,
And I,
much more conscious to feel your death
this time,
Immense pleasure,
that comes with so much pain,
I drown in you,
In Orphellius,
*soft piano music
I perform,
I perform our death
to find air,
To be able to live,
And little by little,
the pain turns to water,
Becomes memory,
*soft piano music
Memories go with time,
They fade,
But some finale songs,
just bits of relief
in the small openings of poetry,
You are my unconsolable memory
made of shadow and stone
and it is from this that all is born
and dances,
*Dedicated To The One I Love