I GOT THE CLUB SODA,
I SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO HARD LIQUOR,
GRAIN ALCOHOL DOESN'T STAIN,
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, AND I THINK I'M MAKING IT WORSE,
( LAUGHING ) I LOOK LIKE I SHOULD BUST THROUGH A WALL
AND FORCE KIDS TO DRINK FRUIT PUNCH,
- I WAS GOING TO SAY CARRIE AT THE PROM, - WOO, NICE ONE!
REALLY? STILL DRINKING?
THERE'S NO REASON NOT TO NOW,
YOU ARE THE WEIRDEST, MOST ADORABLE WOMAN I HAVE EVER MET,
YOU DIDN'T SAY BEAUTIFUL,
YOU'RE MADE OF RAINBOWS,
I'M SORRY ABOUT THE STAIN, I'M A GARBAGE PERSON,
AH, SCREW THE STAIN!
OH !
WHOA!
ANNOUNCER: AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME,
PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR MR, AND MRS, CAPELLIA,
AGAIN, GIVE IT UP FOR MR, AND MRS, CAPELLIA,
OH, THAT'S US!
- OH, WE'RE IDIOTS, - HOLD THIS,
- WE'RE FUCKING MARRIED! - ( GUESTS CHEERING )
MAN ON PHONE: IT WASN'T EASY, BUT WE FINALLY GOT APPROVAL FROM THE BOARD,
SO THAT'S GOOD NEWS,
I'M LOOKING OVER WHAT YOU GAVE US,
ARE WE ALL SET TO PROCEED?
THAT'S CORRECT,
YOU HAVE THE COST ANALYSIS IN FRONT OF YOU,
AND EVERYTHING YOU'LL NEED FOR THE RESTRUCTURING,
I THINK THAT SHOULD DO IT,
I'LL SEND MY INVOICE NEXT WEEK,
- GREAT, THANKS, - IT'S MY PLEASURE,
( PING )
FUCK,
TEXT VOICE MESSAGE: CAN'T WAIT, I'M GOING TO SEX YOU UP,
YAY,
( PHONE RINGING )
HEY, MOM,
I AM LEAVING THE BEDFORD CLOSING,
IT SOLD FOR 1,2,
MOTHER: OOH, MAZEL, WELL, I JUST GOT HOME
WITH SPENCER AND A ROAST CHICKEN,
OKAY,
DON'T WORRY, I WON'T BRING SPENCER HOME
UNTIL AFTER "WHEEL OF FORTUNE,"
HAVE A HAPPY SEX NIGHT,
OKAY, GREAT, THANKS,
BYE,
FUCK,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
UH, NOPE,
I JUST CAN'T DO IT,
( CAR LOCK BEEPING )
* I'M SO PETTY
NOPE, CAN'T DO IT!
* I'M SO FUCKING PETTY
* I DON'T CARE
I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO THIS,
* I'M SO PETTY, GET ME LOTS OF CANDY *
READY,
* YOU DON'T OWN ME
* I'M NOT YOUR ONE AND ONLY
( SNIFFING )
NO,
IF I'M GONNA DO IT, I'M GONNA ENJOY IT,
* GIVE ME LOTS AND LOTS OF CANDY *
* YOU DON'T OWN ME
* I'M SO PETTY, I'M SO FUCKING PETTY *
* I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANNA LEAVE ME *
* I'M SO PETTY, GIVE ME LOTS OF CANDY *
( SNEEZING )
* YOU DON'T OWN ME
PLEASE, PLEASE,
YES, I KNEW IT,
OKAY, HERE WE GO,
* YOU DON'T OWN ME
MMM,
OH!
* I'M SO FUCKING PETTY
* I DON'T CARE IF YOU WANNA LEAVE ME *
( SCREAMING )
* I'M SO PETTY, GIVE ME LOTS OF CANDY *
* HEY, YOU--
SICK,
NUTS,
OH, SHIT!
- ( SNEEZING ) - OH, SHIT,
EPIPEN,
( SNEEZING )
EPIPEN,
EPIPEN, EPIPEN!
( SNEEZING )
EPIPEN, EPIPEN,
( GRUNTS )
* LOTS AND LOTS OF CANDY
( MOANING )
( SIGHING )
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOUR FACE?
WE SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL,
MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY,
NO, I'LL BE FINE,
BESIDES, MY MOM'S COMING BACK WITH SPENCE BY 7:00,
7:00?
JUST LOOKING TO GET IT OVER WITH QUICK?
IT ONLY TAKES 11 MINUTES EVERY TIME,
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
11 MINUTES,
AND YOU MAKE SIX SCRUNCHY SOUNDS,
I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK,
I MEAN, FASHIONS HAVE COME AND GONE SINCE LAST WE DID IT,
YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE?
ARE YOU INSANE?
I MEAN, DO YOU EVER THINK ANYTHING THROUGH?
I DON'T HAVE TO, NICK, YOU PLAN EVERYTHING,
OH, I AM SO SORRY, I TRIED TO ARRANGE SEX WITH MY WIFE,
WELL, I CAN'T SCHEDULE MY SEXUAL IMPULSES,
- WHAT SEXUAL IMPULSES? - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
NEITHER ONE OF US HAS SEEN YOUR NAKED BODY IN SIX YEARS,
I MEAN, WHO WEARS FLANNEL PAJAMAS IN JULY?
MY MOM'S RIGHT, ALL MEN CARE ABOUT IS TITS AND ASS,
OH, GREAT! YOUR MOTHER!
I MEAN, I BET YOU CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HER ALL ABOUT THIS,
THAT'S HOW HUMANS WORK, NICK, WE SHARE OUR FEELINGS,
MOTHER: WE'RE HERE, IS EVERYONE DECENT?
I'M HOME,
MOMMY, DADDY!
- HI! - HEY, BUDDY,
- BUDDY, - ( NICK GRUNTING )
- YOU MADE IT SNOW! - WELL, OH--
DID GRANDMA STOP FOR A CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM ON THE WAY HOME?
- YEAH! - AND YOU SAVED SOME FOR ME?
- ( GROWLING ) - I WANT SOME ICE CREAM, TOO!
( GOBBLING )
OH, MY GOODNESS,
WILLA, I NEED TO HEAR EVERYTHING,
- NO, NOT NOW, MOM, - OH, GOT IT,
JUST TELL ME ONE THING--
DID YOU FINALLY CLIMAX TOGETHER?
OR SEPARATELY, LIKE USUAL?
I WANNA CLIMAX!
UM, LET'S GO UPSTAIRS, BUDDY,
- NICK, CAN YOU-- - YEAH, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT,
( WILLA SIGHS )
POUR YOU A GLASS,
FUCK, HE'S FINALLY OUT,
HURRAY FOR SMALL MIRACLES,
GOD, HE NEEDS TO HEAR SO MANY STORIES LATELY,
I KNOW, BUT WE CAN'T KEEP READING HIM STORY AFTER STORY,
- I MEAN, WE'VE GOT TO-- - CAN YOU STOP LECTURING ME FOR ONCE?
( SIGHS ) I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU STICK TO OUR PLAN--
I'M SORRY IF I DON'T LIVE UP TO THE PLAN,
( SIGHS ) MY MOM SAYS THAT--
OH, GREAT, HERE WE GO,
NOW I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO HER ABOUT ANYTHING?
FORGET IT,
I CAN'T ARGUE ANYMORE, WILLA,
I'M SORRY FOR--
WHATEVER,
GOD, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN TO US?
I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE, UH--
WE NEED SOME TIME APART,
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE SEPARATE?
NO,
MAYBE,
I'LL GRAB A PILLOW AND BLANKET, AND STAY ON THE COUCH,
( GRUNTS )
- FUCK, - YOU OKAY?
YEAH,
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME ONE SEC, BUD, I WANNA HEAR THAT QUESTION,
FIRE AWAY!
- IS IT A T-REX? - NOPE,
MMM, IS IT AMPHIBIAN?
NOPE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
NOPE! GRANDMA! GRANDPA!
THERE'S MY FAVORITE GRANDSON!
HEY, MY SLUGGER, READY TO HIT SOME HOME RUNS?
- YEAH, - ALL RIGHT!
- NICHOLAS, - SIR,
ANYBODY HUNGRY? I'VE GOT LUNCH WAITING,
- ME! - HEY, DON'T FORGET TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES,
ALL RIGHT,
HEY, MOM,
WHERE'S WILLA? I THOUGHT SHE WAS COMING, TOO,
SHE, UH, SHE HAD TO WORK,
WILLA: I DON'T WANNA END UP LIKE MY PARENTS,
THEY HATED EACH OTHER,
YOU GUYS SHOULD COME AND TALK TO OUR THERAPIST, DR, YING,
I'VE SUGGESTED THERAPY BEFORE, NICK JUST WON'T DO IT,
SO, WHAT? SO, HE WOULD RATHER WALK OUT ON YOUR MARRIAGE
THAN ASK FOR HELP?
( SIGHING ) IT'S JUST WHO HE IS,
- HE CAN'T HELP IT, - OH, DAVE, NOT NOW,
OH! OH, WOW, THAT'S DAVE?
WELL, TECHNICALLY, IT'S UH--
PIERRE LE POLE DE L'AMOUR,
SINCE WHEN IS YOUR HUSBAND SENDING YOU DICK PICKS?
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S DR, YING, HIS PROGRAM IS AMAZING,
OKAY? I MEAN, BE AWARE, IT'S A LITTLE EXTREME, BUT--
- I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH FUN IN YEARS, - CLEARLY,
I MEAN, YESTERDAY WE DID IT IN THE STARBUCKS BATHROOM,
- THE ONE ON BOLTON OR THE ONE ON RIVERSIDE? - YUP,
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M TEXTING YOU DR, YING'S INFORMATION RIGHT NOW,
I MEAN, YOU MIGHT AS WELL TRY IT,
- WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE? - ( TEXT BLOOPS )
- JUST TRY IT, - OH, MY GOD,
- OH, MY GOD, STACY! - SORRY, SORRY, SORRY,
LE POLE DE L'AMOUR IS REALLY MISSING ME APPARENTLY,
IT TRANSLATES TO, UH, "LOVE POLE,"
- YEAH, I GOT THAT, - OKAY, I JUST--
HOW DID YOU GET THE BERET TO STAY ON?
OKAY, FULL COUNT, BASES LOADED,
- ( SPENCER SIGHS ) - OH, SORRY, BUDDY,
THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT,
YOU'LL GET HIM NEXT TIME,
WHAT? NO! YOU KEEP HITTING, SPENCE,
YOU'RE NOT OUT YET,
WHO GIVES A KID ONLY THREE STRIKES?
YOU, MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD,
- ( SPENCER GRUNTS ) -WHOA! HOME RUN!
GO! GO! GO!
WHAT A GREAT HIT, SPENCE!
GRANDPA: ROUND! GO! GO! GO!
- GRANDMA: WOW! WHEE! - YES, SAFE!
WOW! WHO'S THIRSTY?
THANKS, MOM,
YOU LOOK TIRED, DEAR,
ARE YOU SURE EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT?
MARIE, LET'S NOT PUT OUR NOSES WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG,
A MAN DOESN'T DISCUSS HIS PRIVATE AFFAIRS,
MARIE: WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU BOYS TO IT, THEN,
CAN YOU STAY FOR DINNER?
- YEAH? - YEAH, SURE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT, MOM,
YOUR MOM MADE HER FAMOUS FETTUCCINI ALFREDO,
I AM A LUCKY MAN,
MMM,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
MAN ON VIDEO: WE'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER,
WOMAN ON VIDEO: IT'S LIKE WE'RE FALLING IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN,
WOMAN AND MAN: REIGNITE YOUR PASSION,
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
THREE, TWO, ONE,
AND WE BEGIN,
I, OF COURSE, AM DR, LANCE YING,
NOW, BEFORE WE BEGIN,
I LIKE TO START ALL MY FIRST SESSIONS
WITH A LITTLE EXERCISE THAT I INVENTED,
IT'S CALLED WORD ASSOCIATION,
PRETTY SURE THAT'S ALREADY A THING,
UM, NO, IT'S NOT,
SO, WHAT HAPPENS IS,
I SAY A WORD
AND THEN YOU SAY THE VERY FIRST WORD
THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND,
YOU MEAN WORD ASSOCIATION?
AH, EXACTLY, THANK YOU, WILLA,
NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT,
( DR, YING SIGHS )
CLOSE YOUR EYES,
DEEP BREATH,
- ( ALL INHALING ) - ( DR, YING EXHALES LOUDLY )
WHAT IS THE VERY FIRST WORD THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND
WHEN I SAY "NEWLYWEDS," WILLA?
HOT,
NICK,
UH,,,
( NICK EXHALES )
NICK? NICK?
( SIGHS )
WHEN I OFFER YOU MY WORD,
I WANT YOU TO THINK OF IT AS AN APPETIZER,
AND THEN YOU DELIVER THE ENTREE,
- GO, - SALMON,
- WHAT? - WHAT?
I WAS RESPONDING TO "ENTREE,"
NEXT WORD,
( INHALES, EXHALES )
MARRIAGE,
- FRIENDS, - ROOMMATES,
HUH,
OKAY, EVERYBODY STAND UP,
UP, UP, UP, COME ON!
GOOD,
STOMP YOUR FEET,
MAKE A LITTLE NOISE,
HO, HO, HO,
- OOH, OOH, - BEEP, BEEP,
BIGGER FEET,
- NICK: BEEP, - YES,
- BEEP, - ( WILLA GROWLING )
- MORE GUTTURAL SOUNDS, - BEEP,
- ( WILLA GROWLING ) - BEEP, BEEP,
LOOK AT EACH OTHER,
- ( WILLA GRUNTING ) - BEEP! BEEP!
LOUDER!
- ( WILLA GROWLING ) - BEEP, BEEP!
- BEEP! - STOP,
IT'S PERFECT, SIT DOWN,
YOU ACTED LIKE TWO FOOLS IN FRONT OF A COMPLETE STRANGER,
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
HMM?
IF YOU CAN ACT LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW
IN FRONT OF ME,
THEN YOU ARE FULLY PREPARED TO DO THE WORK
THAT WE HAVE TO DO TOGETHER,
RIGHT?
( CLEARS THROAT )
THIS IS MY WESTHEIMER AWARD-WINNING BOOK,
INSIDE THAT, YOU'LL FIND EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SUCCEED,
IT ENCOURAGES YOU TO WORK FROM THE OUTSIDE IN,
FROM THE PHYSICAL TOWARD THE EMOTIONAL,
IF YOU FOLLOW THE VERY IMPORTANT HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS
THAT ARE INSIDE THIS BOOK,
YOU TWO WILL HAVE SEX,,,
TOGETHER,,,
EVERY NIGHT FOR THE NEXT 30 NIGHTS STRAIGHT,
NO EXCEPTIONS!
THUS BEGINS YOUR JOURNEY OF RECONNECTION,
MENTALLY,,,
SPIRITUALLY,,,
SEXUALLY,
( CHUCKLING ) WHAT?
MENTALLY, SPIRITUALLY,
SEXUALLY,
LIKE, HIS PANTS SHOULD BE ON A WATCH LIST,
I LOVE THAT YOU ASKED, ARE WE TALKING 30 BUSINESS DAYS
OR ARE WEEKENDS INCLUDED, TOO?
THAT WAS AN HONEST QUESTION,
ARE WE 20-YEAR-OLD PORN STARS?
EVEN THEY GET A DAY OFF,
AND COCAINE,
I WORRY ABOUT THE CHAFING,
OH, SO MUCH CHAFING,
BUT, I MEAN, WE SHOULD AT LEAST TRY IT, RIGHT?
I DON'T WANT A STRANGER IN OUR PRIVATE LIFE,
I CAN'T IMAGINE THE SEX ASSIGNMENTS
A WHACK JOB LIKE HIM WOULD COME UP WITH,
( PHONE RINGING )
OH-- HEY, HI, GUYS,
- HI, - HEY, HEY, HEY,
- NICK: HEY, GUYS! - HOW WAS YOUR FIRST APPOINTMENT?
OH, WONDERFUL!
YOU READY FOR THE BEST 30 NIGHTS OF YOUR LIFE?
MM-HMM, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT, OKAY?
EVEN IF SOME OF THE NIGHTS ARE A BIT--
HEY, NO, NO, DON'T SPOIL IT,
OKAY,
I-- I KNOW IT'S A BIT NEW-AGEY,
BUT CONNECTING PHYSICALLY AGAIN,
LIKE, BODY TO BODY? IT WORKS,
YEAH, NOW WE CAN TAKE YOUR MARRIAGE OFF SUICIDE WATCH,
OH, HEY!
HEY, COME ON, COME ON, NOW, BE GENTLE,
- OH, YOU KNOW I WILL, BABY, - OH, EXCUSE ME,
- WHAT YOU GONNA DO? - YOU SEE WHERE I TOOK THAT DIDN'T YOU?
I SEE WHERE YOU TOOK IT, I WAS LIKE "BE GENTLE,"
- AND YOU WERE, LIKE, "I'LL BE GENTLE," - MMM,
- "I'LL BE GENTLE," - OH, YEAH,
- WHO'S MY GENTLE BEAR? - I AM, BABY,
- WHO'S MY GENTLE BEAR, - I AM, I'M ALL OF YOURS, SEE?
WHERE'S THE HONEY?
( WHISPERING ) AT LEAST WE'D BE HAVING SEX 30 TIMES,
AND IT'S PLANNED OUT, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE THAT,
ALL RIGHT, FINE, LET'S TRY IT,
MAN ON PHONE: COME ON, BABY, STICK YOUR THUMB IN ME,
- GOTTA GO! - HEY! WHOA!
( CHUCKLING )
CAN WE PLEASE JOIN OUR PARTY NOW?
JUST A FEW MORE, YOU'LL THANK ME LATER,
OKAY, NOW GIVE ME LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT,
AH-WOOGA! AH-WHOO!
SCRATCH THAT! OKAY, GIVE ME ROMANCE,
- ( BLOWING RASPBERRIES ) - YEAH!
GUYS! GUYS, GIVE ME SOMETHING I CAN USE,
WHAT ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?
YES! FINALLY!
THANK YOU!
YES! OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE OUTTA HERE,
- YES! - OH, I WANT THOSE PICS IN WALLET SIZE,
( SIGHS ) NEWLYWEDS,
OH, YOU KNOW, SPENCER IS STILL NOT WIPING WELL ENOUGH,
YESTERDAY I FOUND A STAIN UNDERNEATH--
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?
RIGHT, SORRY,
- ARE YOU SURE THAT WE CAN'T JUST WORK-- - WE HAVE TO TRY FOR SPENCE,
OKAY, I'M IN,
HERE WE GO,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
WOW!
- ALL RIGHT, - ALL RIGHT,
UH-- "CONGRATULATIONS, YOU HAVE TAKEN THE FIRST STEP
ON YOUR JOURNEY OF RECONNECTION,"
"JOURNEY OF RECONNECTION,"
A LIFETIME MOVIE STARRING VALERIE BERTINELLI,
AND THAT GUY FROM THE OTHER SHOW,
- NO, - OH, ALL RIGHT,
"REST YOUR FOREHEAD ON YOUR PARTNER'S FOREHEAD,
AND ALLOW YOUR NOSES TO TOUCH
AS YOU TAKE THE OATH OF COMMITMENT,"
LET'S OATH IT UP!
( CLEARS THROAT )
THIS IS HAPPENING,
- IS THIS RIGHT? - IT IS RIGHT,
I, WILLA, DO KNOWINGLY PROMISE
TO COMPLETE THE 30 NIGHT JOURNEY
FOR MYSELF, MY LOVE PARTNER,
AND MY MARRIAGE,
I, YOUR NAME HERE, DO KNOWINGLY PROMISE
TO COMPLETE THE 30 NIGHTS JOURNEY
FOR MYSELF, MY LOVE PARTNER,
AND MY MARRIAGE,
I WILL NOT QUIT OR LET MY LOVE PARTNER QUIT,
YOU WON'T QUIT, OR LET ME QUIT,
NO TURNING BACK NOW,
CAUSE WE TOOK A FOREHEAD OATH,
ASSIGNMENT ONE,
FOLLOW YOUR SEXUAL INSTINCTS AND DO WHAT COMES NATURALLY,
OOH, I'LL GO GET THE BEN AND JERRY'S,
SEE YOU IN THE MORNING,
AH, WHY DON'T WE TAKE OFF THIS FOXY PAJAMA TOP?
THAT WOULD NOT BE DOING WHAT COMES NATURALLY FOR ME,
DON'T I KNOW IT,
OKAY,
- OW! OW! - OH, SORRY, SORRY,
- YOUR WATCH, - I'LL TAKE THAT OFF,
OW,
- NOTHING IN MY HANDS, - OKAY,
TAKE TWO,
OH!
UH, I'M SORRY, I GUESS IT REALLY HAS BEEN A WHILE,
WHY DON'T WE JUST SKIP THIS PART AND GET IT OVER WITH?
HOT,
( WILLA SQUEALS )
( BREATHING HEAVILY )
( MOANING )
( SNORING )
( GRUNTS )
( SIGHING )
( GROANING )
OH, SHIT,
- NICK, - ( NICK GRUNTS )
STOP IT!
- WHAT? - STOP,
YOU FELL ASLEEP,
OH, SHIT,
( SIGHING ) WAIT, SO DID YOU,
THIS IS GOING GREAT SO FAR,
OH, IT'S MY FAULT,
I DIDN'T SAY THAT,
( SIGHING ) WELL, ONE NIGHT DOWN,
YAY,
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
NICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
UH, LOOKING INTO YOUR SOUL WINDOWS?
WELL, I THINK YOU CAN BLINK,
IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH SPONGEBOB,
AT LEAST I'M DOING THE ASSIGNMENT,
OKAY, SORRY,
HERE IT COMES,
SUCK IT!
NICK, DON'T BE SUCH A PUSSY,
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
THIS ONE IS WEIRD, I DON'T GET THE POINT,
THE BOOK SAYS WE HAVE TO TRULY SEE OURSELVES
BEFORE WE CAN SEE EACH OTHER,
YOU'VE REALLY NEVER LOOKED AT YOURSELF DOWN THERE?
DO YOU JUST STARE AT YOUR PENIS?
( WHISPERING ) ALL THE TIME,
WEIRDO,
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH TALK, YOU READY TO TAKE A LOOK?
NO,
OKAY,
ALL RIGHT,
TA-DA!
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT BAD,
OH, WAIT, HANG ON,
( SCREAMING, GAGGING )
( WILLA AND NICK SCREAMING )
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- WE-- UH, WE'RE JUST, UM-- - UM, PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK,
OH, MOMMY WINS!
YAY!
ALL RIGHT, YOUR TURN, GO HIDE, BUD!
YEAH!
SPENCER: I'M IN MY BED,
YOU'RE NOT COUNTING!
BOTH: ONE, TWO--
JESUS, THAT WAS FUCKING--
( WHISPERING ) IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET HIM BACK DOWN,
( WHISPERING ) I KNOW, BUT HE CAME BACK IN
AND HE'S SO CUTE WHEN HE'S SLEEPING,
I THOUGHT WE AGREED HE HAS TO SLEEP
IN HIS OWN BED FROM NOW ON,
WE DID, I JUST FELT GUILTY OVER WHAT HE ALMOST SAW,
HOW THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO THIS WITH HIM HERE?
MAYBE HE CAN SLEEP IN THE CAR,
FUNNY,
MAYBE WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT LETTING YOUR PARENTS TAKE HIM FOR A WHILE,
THEY WOULD LOVE IT,
MY DAD WILL DRIVE HIM CRAZY WITH HIS DRILL SERGEANT RULES,
HE'S NOT LIKE THAT WITH SPENCE,
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S NOT PERFECT, BUT HE'S A SMART KID,
HE MUST SENSE THAT WE'RE--
YOU KNOW, SO SHOULDN'T WE DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT HIM
OR WOULD YOU RATHER HE WALK IN ON,,,
FISTING NIGHT?
( SIGHING )
- BYE, - BYE,
- BYE, DAD, - BYE, GUYS, WE LOVE YOU,
- BE GOOD, OKAY? - LOVE YOU, HONEY,
( TIRES SCREECHING )
IF MOM'S GONNA INSIST YOU GET MARRIED UNDER A HUPPAH,
THEN I'M SURE NICK WOULD LOVE TO BUILD YOU ONE,
OH, YEAH, HE WAS RAISED CATHOLIC,
BUT HE MODELS HIMSELF AFTER JESUS
WHO I'M SURE BUILT A LOT OF HUPPAHS
BACK IN HIS CARPENTER DAYS,
OW, OH, SHOOT, MEG, I CUT MYSELF,
YEAH, I GOTTA GO, LOVE YOU, TOO,
- ARE YOU BLEEDING? - YES, DON'T LOOK,
I CAN'T LOOK, IS IT BAD?
YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, I'M SORRY,
IT'S JUST A TINY CUT, DON'T GET HYSTERICAL,
I'M FEELING WOOZY,
THAT'S THEM, TRY NOT TO PASS OUT, TOUGH GUY,
IT'S AN AFFLICTION,
( LAUGHING ) YOU GUYS, THIS WAS FANTASTIC,
- OH! - THANK YOU,
WHOA, DUDE, WHAT IS HAPPENING THERE?
OH, YEAH, THEY'RE HER IDEA,
MM-HMM,
WHAT? I THINK THEY'RE SEXY,
HEY, IT'S ALL ABOUT TRYING NEW THINGS,
YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND, RIGHT?
- YEAH, TOTALLY, - YUP,
REALLY? OUR R,A, FROM COLLEGE IS AN UNDERWEAR MODEL,
HAND TO GOD,
SHE WASN'T EVEN THE HOTTEST GIRL IN OUR DORM,
- WELL, SECOND HOTTEST, - CHELSEA, FIRST,
- OBVIOUSLY, - OBVIOUSLY,
AND THEN I'D PUT REBECCA,
WHO IS IN THE LATEST J,C, PENNY CATALOG LINGERIE SECTION,
- ( CHUCKLING ) - CHECK IT OUT,
SO, HOW MUCH ARE YOU GUYS LOVING THE PROGRAM?
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S MOSTLY BEEN JUST AWKWARD,
AND, LIKE, A LOT OF PRESSURE,
- HMM, - I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S WORKING,
REALLY? SO, YOU DIDN'T GET TURNED ON
BY LOOKING AT YOURSELF?
NO, NO,
- WOW, - NO,
GOD, DAVE WAS TRANSFIXED BY HIS ASSHOLE,
I MEAN, HE WOULD HAVE TOSSED HIS OWN SALAD, IF HE COULD,
WE HAD SEX FOR, LIKE, TWO HOURS AFTER,
YEAH, THAT WAS NOT OUR EXPERIENCE,
- OH, - YEAH,
- CORNER POCKET, - MM-MMM, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN,
- ( BALL DROPS ) - WHOO! YEAH, SON!
OKAY, THAT "SON" SHIT ISN'T GONNA FLY,
- IT'S NOT COOL? - IT'S DEFINITELY ON THE BORDER,
- HMM, - YOU'RE JUST LUCKY THAT MY GAME WAS OFF,
DO YOU THINK YOUR SHOT WAS THROWN OFF
BY THOSE PINK MANTIES YOU'RE WEARING?
OH, YOU WAITED THIS LONG TO BRING IT BACK UP,
I AM VERY IMPRESSED,
- OH, THAT-- THAT HARD, - YUP, MM-HMM, YUP,
IT WAS ONE OF OUR FAVORITE NIGHTS,
NICK IS NOT GONNA LIKE THAT,
OH, DAVE'S ORGASMS WERE SO INTENSE,
I MEAN, WAY MORE SEMEN,
IT'S LIKE HIS DICK TURNED INTO SPIDER-MAN,
- JUST-- - ( CHUCKLING )
PLEASE STOP DOING THAT,
OH, HOW TERRIBLE IS IT THAT I'M HAVING MORE FUN WITH YOU TONIGHT
THAN I'VE HAD WITH NICK THESE LAST FEW NIGHTS?
HEY, SO HOW'S THE THERAPY GOING?
IT'S FINE,
( TV CHATTER )
OH, THANKS, HONEY,
I HAVE TO FINISH THIS REPORT FOR A CLIENT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
BABY, I REALLY--
I KNOW THIS WEIRD PROGRAM IS IMPORTANT,
BUT I--
OH, IT'S A TIE GAME!
THE BASES ARE LOADED,
( SIGHING ) LOOK, I HAVE TO--
( CHATTER CONTINUES )
I COULD TAKE A LITTLE BREAK,
- SPORTS ANNOUNCER: DID HE GET IT? - ( SIGHS )
- SPORTS ANNOUNCER: IT LOOKS LIKE HE DID, - OH, IT'S GRAND SLAM!
- SPORTS ANNOUNCER: HOME RUN! HOME RUN! - OH, I HOPE YOU KNOW
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO THIS EVERY GAME FROM NOW ON,
- I'M SUPERSTIT-- AHH-- - SPORTS ANNOUNCER: GRAND SLAM HOME RUN!
HONEY, ARE YOU EATING ENOUGH?
YOU LOOK REALLY SKINNY,
WE'RE DOING THIS,
WHY DO YOU LADIES TAKE SO LONG TO GET READY?
WHAT DO YOU DO IN THERE, ANYWAY?
WHOA, WHO'S MY PRETTY PRINCESS?
YEAH, YEAH, ( SQUEALING )
- UH-HUH, UH-HUH, - HEY, WILLA,
SHOULD I POST THE RIVERSIDE LISTING?
RIVERSIDE, YES, YES, YES, THAT'S GOOD,
GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, YEAH, GOOD,
( SQUEALING )
SO, I JUST NEED THE PHOTOS,
YES, PHOTOS, YES,
PHOTOS, YES, YES! YES!
YES, YES,
( NICK SNEEZES )
ALLERGIES,
THIS ONE ISN'T SO BAD,
IT SAYS RECREATE OUR FIRST INTIMATE MOMENT,
WHAT'S WRONG?
I JUST HUNG UP WITH YOUR MOM,
SHE SAID SPENCER ASKED IF WE WERE GETTING A "DIMORSE,"
OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID THEY SAY?
YOUR DAD CORRECTED HIS GRAMMAR AND YOUR MOM GAVE HIM COOKIES,
- HE KNOWS, - YEAH,
AND THEY'RE JUST PLYING HIM WITH SUGAR, AREN'T THEY?
I SHOULD HAVE SENT A LIST OF HEALTHY SNACK CHOICES--
SORRY, OFF TOPIC,
- ( SIGHS ) - WHAT DO WE DO?
- KEEP GOING, - OF COURSE,
I AM ALL IN,
FIRST INTIMATE MOMENT,
PERFECT,
WE'RE GOING TO MY MOM'S FOR DINNER TONIGHT,
WE CAN SNEAK UPSTAIRS,
RIGHT,
I AM ALL IN,
( EXHALES )
SO, I WALK INTO THE BATHROOM, AND MY LITTLE ESSIE
IS SITTING ON THE SINK SHAVING HER FATHER'S BACK,
AW, I REMEMBER DOING THAT FOR YOUR PROM,
WHAT? HE'S MY BROTHER,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU KIDS, AND YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS HAIR,
HE'S SHAVING HIS BACK, YOU ALL ARE WAXING,
AND GETTING RID OF,
YOUR SON OF A BITCH FATHER HAD A HAIRY CHEST
AND A LOT OF HAIR AROUND HIS RAM,
I HAD HAIRY PRIVATE PARTS, BIG DEAL, IT'S FUN,
IT MAKES IT LIKE A TREASURE HUNT,
( DOOR OPENS )
- HELLO! SORRY, I GOTTA GO! - OH! SORRY,
THE PREGNANCY HAS HER PEEING EVERY FIVE MINUTES,
- HI, DARLING, - HEY,
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, DON'T YOU?
IT'S A GIRL,
WITH WILLA AND MEG, I HAD TO PEE ALL THE TIME,
BUT WITH STAN, COULD HOLD IT LIKE A SOLDIER,
SORRY WE'RE LATE, WHAT DID WE MISS?
PLEASE, DON'T ASK,
HI, LET ME TAKE THAT,
( SNEEZES ) FALSE ALARM, LET ME TAKE THESE,
OH, NO, SWEETIE, I'LL DO IT, YOU REST, YOU'RE PREGNANT,
- AWW, - I'LL TAKE IT,
UM, I'LL JUST, UM, THROW IT ON THE GUEST BED,
- DAVE: HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING? - ILANA: GREAT,
- GOOD, - EATING ALL ORGANICALLY,
- YEAH? - MEGAN: YEP,
- YEAH, I'M FAT, - NICK: OH,
YEAH, I KNOW, IT'S OKAY,
DAVE: YOU DON'T LOOK THAT FAT,
WHAT?
( SIGHING )
OKAY, UM, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS,
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD, ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
UH-HUH,
- IT'S NATURAL, - MM-HMM,
YOU ARE A WOMAN,
30 DAYS, WE KNEW THIS WOULD COME UP,
I CAN DO THIS,
OKAY, REMEMBER OUR FIRST TIME UP HERE?
- MM-HMM, - YEAH?
WE CAME UP HERE TO CHANGE OUR SHIRTS CAUSE WE WERE ALL WET,
- OKAY, THAT'S GOOD, - CAUSE YOU FIXED MY MOM'S SINK,
PLEASE DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR MOTHER,
WE WERE WET, BECAUSE YOU FIXED THAT SINK, BABY,
YOU WERE A BIG HERO THAT DAY,
AND MY BIG STRONG HERO THREW ME DOWN ON THE BED,
LET'S DO THIS,
I'LL GO GET A TOWEL,
THE PACKERS ARE FAVORED TO WIN,
- STAN, I'M COLD, - HUH?
WELL, YOUR MOM SAID THERE WERE SOME SWEATERS IN THE GUEST BEDROOM,
OH, GO GET YOU ONE,
( WILLA MOANING )
YEAH, YEAH!
NICK, YOU SLIPPED OUT,
OH, HANG ON,
OKAY,
( BOTH MOANING )
YEAH,
( MOANING )
OH, NICK?
NICK?
WILLA: SHIT,
- UH, - OKAY,
OOH, CHECKERS!
NICK,
MOTHER: SO, WHAT HAVE SOME OF THE ASSIGNMENTS BEEN?
WILLA: LET'S SEE, OH, THE OTHER NIGHT I BLEW HIM WHILE HE WATCHED THE GAME,
YOUR SON OF A BITCH FATHER USED TO LOVE NIPPLE PLAY,
- THINK THAT'LL BE A NIGHT? - WELL, WE STILL HAVE 20 NIGHTS OF ASSIGNMENTS LEFT,
- SO FINGERS CROSSED, MOM, - OH, YES!
WILLA, CAN I TALK TO YOU IN THE OTHER ROOM FOR A SECOND?
YEAH,
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - NICK, WE'RE MARRIED,
EVERYBODY KNOWS MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE SEX,
KNOWING IN THEORY, FINE, THEY DON'T NEED A PLAY BY PLAY,
YOU WANNA FILM A CLIP AND SHOW IT BEFORE DINNER NEXT TIME?
LIGHTEN UP,
WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I NEED YOU TO KEEP THE DETAILS BETWEEN US,
IT'S NOT LIKE I TOLD THEM WHAT YOUR PENIS LOOKS LIKE,
WELL, NO, I MEAN, I DID WHEN WE WERE FIRST DATING,
I TRACED A ZUCCHINI,
- ( BREATHES HEAVILY ) - DINNER'S READY, YOU TWO,
OH, AND NICK, I USED THAT TOWEL TO WIPE UP THE CHICKEN JUICE,
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
- WILLA: BING, - SHHH,
BING,
YOUR MARRIAGE IS A MACHINE,
- BING, - SHHH,
- YOU MUST WORK TOGETHER - BING,
SO THAT IT WILL RUN SMOOTHLY,
- SHHH, - BING,
TOGETHER WE WILL FOCUS ON THE PHYSICAL,
I,E, YOUR SEX LIFE,
NOW I WANT YOU TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH ME,
- BING, - BEFORE THE PROGRAM,
HOW OFTEN DID YOU TWO LITTLE LOVE BIRDS HAVE SEX?
- UM, ONCE EVERY TWO MONTHS? - SHHH,
IS THAT RIGHT?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER?
BING,
SOMETHING ON YOUR MIND, NICK?
- BING, - SHE TELLS HER MOTHER EVERYTHING,
EVEN THE PRIVATE STUFF,
BEING OPEN MAY BE SUITABLE TO YOUR NEEDS, WILLA,
BUT YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LISTEN
TO YOUR PARTNER'S NEEDS AS WELL,
OH, MY GOD, THANK YOU,
HOWEVER UNSOPHISTICATED THEY MAY BE,
WAIT, WHAT?
- BING, - OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH,
STOP, JUST STOP,
WE GOT OFF TRACK, SIT DOWN,
( DR, YING SIGHS )
NOW, NICK I WANT YOU TO TELL WILLA
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THE INFREQUENCY OF YOUR COITUS,
I WANNA HAVE MORE SEX, DON'T YOU?
I DON'T KNOW,
I'M A MOM,
HOW CAN I FEEL SEXY WHEN I'M COVERED IN SAND
AND FISH STICKS EVERY NIGHT?
NICK: IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S JUST YOU,
I'M NOT SAYING IT IS,
BEFORE THIS PROGRAM, THE LAST TIME WE TRIED TO DO IT,
HE HAD SILLY STRING STUCK TO HIS PENIS,
WE HAVE A KID, OUR PRIORITIES HAVE SHIFTED,
EXPLORE THIS,
WHAT TIME DOES YOUR SON GO TO SLEEP?
- EIGHT O'CLOCK, - AND THEN WE HAVE DINNER,
AND THEN WE'RE BOTH FULL AND WE WATCH TV,
- AND YOU FALL ASLEEP, - I'M TIRED,
I'M TIRED, TOO, BUT I RALLY,
YEAH, NICK, YOU SLAP YOURSELF IN THE FACE AND SAY "GO TIME,"
I NEED A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT,
LOOK, I CAN DO MORE,
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED,
THAT'S THE PROBLEM, I-- I DON'T KNOW,
EVEN IN THE FOG OF LOVE, THE BLIND OTTER CAN STILL FLY,
- WHAT? - WHAT?
OKAY, THAT'S OUR TIME,
JUST LET THE PROGRAM DO ITS MAGIC,
NEXT WEEK IS DESIGNED TO FULLY OPEN YOU UP,
MOSTLY YOU, NICK,
-( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING ) -( WILLA AND NICK GRUNTING )
WILLA: SERIOUSLY? DID YOU FORGET HOW PERIODS WORK?
I WAS THINKING,
BEFORE YOU END UP UNCONSCIOUS ON THE FLOOR,
MAYBE WE COULD SKIP TONIGHT?
I GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT,
OH, YEAH?
- BLEED AWAY, BABY! - CLEVER,
- OH! - UH-HUH,
- THIS THE TOY? - YEAH,
- I GOT THIS, - YEAH,
WILLA: OH!
YEAH, HE CANNOT EXPECT ME NOT TO TELL MY MOM ABOUT THIS,
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
( FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING )
( BAD ACCENT ) I AM A SEXY FRENCH PROSTITUTE,
YOU CALL ME TO YOUR HOTEL ROOM?
CLOSE ENOUGH,
( ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING )
SING FOR ME, MY ANGEL, MUSE,
( SINGING SOPRANO NOTE )
- WOMAN: YOU'RE, LIKE, COMPLAINING ABOUT IT, - MOTHER: IT'S OKAY,
LOOK, MOM, IT'S MY WEDDING, NOT YOURS,
I JUST NEVER-- WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT COLOR?
WASABI? PUS?
MOM, NOT ALL BRIDES WEAR WHITE,
WILLA, WILL YOU HELP ME OUT HERE?
I JUST READ THAT AUDREY HEPBURN WORE
THAT SAME COLOR TO HER WEDDING,
OH, I LOVE HER, SAY NO MORE, IT'S PERFECT,
I WAS GONNA WEAR THE BLUE WITH THE CORAL, IS THAT OKAY?
- YEAH, YOU CAN WEAR WHATEVER YOU WANT, - GREAT,
OH, MEGAN, HONEY, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED US TO MATCH
- FOR THE PICTURES, - I TOLD YOU, OKAY?
IT'S JUST AN INTIMATE CASUAL PARTY
WITH OUR CLOSEST FRIENDS AND FAMILY,
ALL WE REALLY NEED IS EACH OTHER,
- HMM, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, - EXCUSE ME?
YOUR SISTER'S JUST GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH,
IT HAPPENS IN ALL LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS,
- HILLS AND VALLEYS, - RIGHT, ILANA?
UGH! WHEN I GOT PREGNANT WITH ESSIE,
OUR VALLEY BECAME THE GRAND CANYON,
YEAH, I FIXED THAT WITH KEGELS, NOW I'M TIGHT AS A FIST,
OKAY, EVERYONE, LISTEN, ALÉ LOVES ME PREGNANT,
HE THINKS I'VE NEVER BEEN SEXIER,
JUST WAIT UNTIL THE THIRD TRIMESTER,
OH, ACNE, CONSTIPATION, GAS, OH, AND THE TEARING,
I STILL HAVE MY HEMORRHOIDS, I NAMED THEM AFTER YOU KIDS,
AWW, THAT'S REALLY SWEET,
I LITERALLY HAVE THREE ASSHOLES,
- ( LAUGHING ) - OKAY,
YOU KNOW WHAT? I GET IT, IT'S GONNA BE DIFFERENT,
BUT ALÉ AND I ARE GONNA BE FINE,
JUST CAUSE YOU HAVE A KID DOESN'T MEAN YOU STOP BEING SEXY,
OF COURSE NOT,
- RIGHT, WILLA? - RIGHT,
AH, WOO!
OH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO NERVOUS,
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRY THIS,
YOU HAVE? WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING?
WELL, I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO THINK
I WAS LIKE A DIRTY PORNY FREAK,
YEAH, GUYS HATE THAT,
OKAY, AH, LET'S DO THIS,
OKAY, SHH,
JUST TRY TO RELAX AND LET GO,
I AM RELAXED, JUST STOP TALKING
- AND STICK IT IN, - OKAY,
- OH, FUCK YOU! - OH!
ALL RIGHT,
TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY,
SHH, JUST TRY AND RELAX,
THAT'S VERY FUNNY,
( SCREAMS )
OH!
AT THIS POINT, YOU'VE BEEN PUSHED OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONES,
IT'S VULNERABLE, SOME COUPLES HAVE QUIT,
SOME COUPLES HAVE SUED,
BUT YOU SIGNED A WAIVER, SO,,,
YOU FIND YOURSELF AT A CROSSROADS,
YOU REALIZE IN YOUR VERY INTELLIGENT MINDS,
THAT THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY RECONNECT
IS TO FORGE FORWARD WITH COURAGE,
YES?
YES,
CONGRATULATIONS,
YOU JUST REACHED THE HALFWAY POINT,
I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU, I'M PROUD OF YOU,
TODAY I'D LIKE TO EXPLORE SOME
OF YOUR UNDERLYING ISSUES, NICK,
NICK, WILLA HAS LABELED SEVERAL OF YOUR EMOTIONAL QUALITIES,
I'D LIKE YOU TO PICK ONE OFF, LOOK AT IT,
TELL US HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL,
OVER-THINKER,
SURE, I'M AN ANALYST,
OKAY, UH, WILLA,
NICK HAS LABELED SEVERAL OF YOUR PHYSICAL QUALITIES,
PICK ONE OFF, LOOK AT IT, TELL US HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL,
I FEEL WEIRD,
- WHY? - IT SAYS INVITING,
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER HE SAID?
UH, PASTY? CHUNKY? CAN IT BE TWO WORDS?
DON'T SAY THAT, I LOVE YOUR LEGS,
NICK,
PRIVATE,
I'M FINE WITH THAT, TOO,
- ( SIGHING ) - OH, JEEZ,
OKAY, NICK, YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE EXERCISE,
HERE, TAG OUT,
HI, I'M NICK, I LIKE SPORTS,
REALLY?
WILLA, MY DARLING,,,
I FIND IT VERY HARD TO LET GO OF THE REIGNS,
I CAN'T OPEN UP BECAUSE DEEP DOWN
I'M JUST A VERY SCARED LITTLE BOY
IN A VERY FRIGHTENING WORLD,
- OH, NICK, - TAGGING BACK IN!
THAT A BOY,
I THINK THAT WAS A REAL BREAKTHROUGH FOR YOU,
- YEAH, - OKAY,
YOUR TURN,
SEXY? OH, PLEASE, MAYBE 10 YEARS AGO,
- ( SIGHS ) - AND THAT'S WHEN YOU MAKE A COMMENT,
I LOVE YOUR BODY, I THINK IT'S SEXY,
I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER,
( HIGH-PITCHED ) BUT YOU CAN'T CONTROL MY EMOTIONS,
YES! YES! THAT'S IT, AND IT DRIVES HIM CRAZY,
AH-HA!
SO THE ANSWER IS DO NOTHING,
LET HER KEEP HATING HER BODY,
AND THAT'S OUR TIME,
WOW, I AM EXCITED,
YOU GUYS ARE REALLY TEED UP PERFECTLY
FOR THAT NEXT ASSIGNMENT,
CARING,
THERE ARE MINTS AND BOTTLES OF WATER IN THE CORNER,
REALLY?
WHY DON'T I GIVE YOU A TOUR?
OVER HERE WE HAVE THE HARNESSING STATION,
THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT OPTIONS,
BUT I MYSELF AM FOND OF THE SPREADING BAR,
OH, WOW,
OVER HERE WE HAVE BLINDFOLDS AND WHIPS,
FOLLOWED BY PADDLES, DILDOS, AND MORE PERSONAL RESTRAINTS,
SO MUCH TO SEE,
SINCE THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME,
I'M HERE IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS,
NOW, HAVE YOU DECIDED WHO WILL BE THE DOMINANT
AND WHO WOULD BE THE SUBMISSIVE?
I'M THE DOMINANT,
DIVINE,
YOU'RE REALLY GONNA NEED A SAFE WORD,
FUCK THE SAFE WORD,
SPENCER: ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA?
I AM GLAD YOU DIDN'T SAY BANANA,
- SPENCER: ONE MORE! - NO, BUTTON, THAT WAS THE LAST ONE,
I LOVE YOU, GOOD NIGHT,
GOOD NIGHT, BUDDY! I LOVE YOU,
- SPENCER: I LOVE YOU, BYE, - ( DIAL TONE )
ALL RIGHTY, I HAVE HUNG BLANKETS ON ALL THE WINDOWS TO MAKE IT TRULY DARK,
ARE YOU READY TO HEIGHTEN OUR SENSES?
COME ON OVER, STUD,
OKAY,
( KISSING )
- WILLA: OH! - NICK: HERE WE GO,
- OH, - MM-HMM,
NICK: YEAH, UH, THAT'S A-- OH, WOW!
- WILLA: WHAT? - NICK: NOTHING, I CAN SMELL THE GARLIC BREAD YOU ATE,
- IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE, - ( WILLA SIGHS )
- KEEP GOING, - OKAY,
- ( KISSING ) - MMM,
WILLA: OH, WHY IS YOUR PENIS SO SALTY?
YOU'RE SUCKING MY THUMB,
I DIDN'T WASH MY HANDS AFTER I--
WAIT, YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS MY PENIS?
- NO, I-- - ( GRUMBLING )
WAS THAT YOUR STOMACH?
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOURS,
AND THAT'S THE SOUND A GHOST MAKES BEFORE IT INHABITS YOUR SOUL,
THAT'S NOT FUNNY,
I'M HERE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO HELL, ( LAUGHING )
OH, MY GOD, IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX IN A NIGHTMARE!
( CACKLING )
LISTEN TO THIS,
MEGAN PICKED UP CHICKEN CUTLETS FOR DINNER TONIGHT,
WHICH IS FUNNY, BECAUSE I HAD JUST BOUGHT CHICKEN CUTLETS,
SO, WE'RE JUST-- MMM,
( CHUCKLING )
OH, NOW SHE JUST SENT ME AN EMOJI OF A DANCING CHICKEN,
( SIGHS )
I'M SORRY,
LET'S BUILD A HUPPAH,
NICK, WHAT CAN I DO?
HANG IN THERE, I GOT THIS RIGHT NOW,
WELL, SINCE YOU WON'T BE NEEDING MY SERVICES AT PRESENT,,,
WHO BRINGS A WHOLE COOLER OF BEER JUST FOR HIMSELF?
A GODDAMN CHAMPION, THAT'S WHO,
ALL RIGHT, WHERE DO WE START?
UH, I AM JUST MEASURING,
THE KEY IS TO CAREFULLY MARK WHERE TO CUT,
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE STARTING TO SOUND JUST LIKE YOUR DAD
WHEN WE BUILT THAT DECK BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL,
"SILENCE IS FOCUS, BOYS,"
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT IS SO YOU, MAN,
SILENT, CLENCHED,
YOU KNOW, YOU DO GET THAT LOOK SOMETIMES,
LIKE YOU'RE CONSTIPATED,
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE!
YOU SHOULD TRY THAT LADY YOGURT,
I'M NOT CONSTIPATED!
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK,
- SEE? SILENCE IS FOCUS, - YEAH,
I HATE YOU,
( LAUGHING )
- CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE? - NO,
OKAY,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
- COME ON, - IT'S NOT GOOD?
NO! IT'S,,, GOOD, JUST, YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR ME?
I GET IT, IT'S LIKE THE FAT GUY IN THE FULL MONTY,
- THAT CAME OUT WRONG, - YOU THINK?
IT'S JUST, OKAY, HE WAS GONNA DO THIS FULL MONTY STRIPTEASE,
BUT NOW HE'S NOT BECAUSE HE DOESN'T THINK
ANYONE WANTS TO SEE HIM ALL FAT AND NAKED,
I AM MAKING IT WORSE,
NO! NO, PLEASE, COMPARE ME TO MORE FAT SCOTTISH MEN,
HOW DID SCOTTISH BECOME PART OF THE INSULT?
I'M NOT DOING THIS,
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND SHAKE IT IN MY FACE,
WHY? WHY DOES THIS TURN YOU ON?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT DOES,
THE MALE SEX DRIVE IS WEIRD,
AND IT'S THE ASSIGNMENT, SO DO IT,
WELL, WHY DO I HAVE TO GO FIRST?
FINE, FINE!
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( VOCALIZING )
* YEAH, BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE, THIS JAM IS TURNING ME ON *
* FEELING FREAKY ON THE WEEKEND AND I WANNA GET DOWN *
* YOU GOT ME GRINDING, SWING THAT ASS FROM BEHIND *
* AND DO YOU WANNA RIDE IT? DO YOU WANNA RIDE IT? *
* BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE, THIS JAM IS TURNING ME ON *
* FEELING FREAKY ON THE WEEKEND AND I WANNA GET DOWN *
* YOU GOT ME GRINDING, SWING THAT ASS FROM BEHIND *
* AND BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE, THIS JAM IS TURNING ME ON *
- AAH! OH, MY GOD! - * AND I WANNA GET DOWN
* YOU GOT ME GRINDING
- YEAH! WOO! - * SWING THAT ASS FROM BEHIND *
- I'M MAKING IT RAIN, BABY! - * DO YOU WANNA RIDE IT?
* DO YOU WANNA RIDE IT?
( MOANING )
( WHISPERING ) COME ON,
YOU'RE LIKE AN ANGEL,
NO, NO ANGEL STUFF,
I WANT DIRTY TALK,
TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU FEEL?
YOUR VAGINA,
NO, NICK, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN,
TELL ME HOW IT FEELS,
DOES IT FEEL HOT AND WET?
YUP,
CAN YOU FEEL MY PULSING PUSSY ON YOUR ROCK HARD COCK?
YUP,
NICK THIS COULD BE A REAL BREAKTHROUGH FOR YOU,
TELL ME WHAT A DIRTY LITTLE WHORE I AM,
- OH, YOU'RE LIKE A-- - YEAH?
LIKE A FILTHY HOMELESS PERSON, AND I WANNA GIVE YOU MONEY,
OR FOOD AND A JOB,
THAT'S SO WEIRD, KEEP GOING,
AND THEN AFTERWARDS, I WANT TO GET YOU SET UP IN A NICE APARTMENT,
I WANNA COOK YOU A NICE MEAL,
AND THEN I WANNA BAKE YOU A FUCK CAKE,
AND WATCH YOU EAT IT!
( SCREAMING )
( MOANING )
( GIGGLING )
WHY DID THAT WORK?
OH, I HAVE NO IDEA,
ANY SPINACH?
NICK: NOPE, NO, YOU'RE GOOD,
I'M IMPRESSED I DON'T SEE ANY SHRIMP COCKTAIL ON YOUR DRESS,
OH, I PUT ONE IN MY BRA FOR LATER,
HELLO, HONEYMOON SUITE,
OH, SHIT, IT'S MY COUSIN GARY FROM PENNSYLVANIA,
WATCH, HE ALWAYS YELLS, "CHARLIE HORSE PATROL,"
AND THEN HE PUNCHES ME IN THE LEG,
- WHO DOES THAT? - HEY, NICKY!
- GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS? - WATCH THIS,
CHARLIE HORSE PATROL!
OW!
OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE MY HERO,
NOBODY MESSES WITH MY MAN,
MY AUNT JOSEPHINE GAVE US A HOMEMADE SALAD BOWL,
WE HAVE A REGISTRY!
LET'S DO THIS!
( MUSIC PLAYING )
* I LOVE TO BLAME
* 'CAUSE WHEN I HEAR YOU SPEAK MY NAME *
* I JUST CAN'T LOOK AT YOU THE SAME *
* AND THEN I'M GONNA NEED TO TAME *
( SHUTTER CLICKS )
* I MUST CONFESS
( TEXT BLOOPS )
* AT YOU THE SAME
* AND THEN I'M GONNA NEED TO TAME *
( SHUTTER CLICKS )
* OH, I MUST CONFESS
* MY FILTHY MIND IS TO UNDRESS *
* YOU ARE THE THING I MUST POSSESS *
* DIRTY GIRL, MAKING SUCH A MESS *
( SHUTTER CLICKING )
OH, NOPE, NOPE,
NO, OOF,
( SHUTTER CLICKING )
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
I GOT TICKETS FOR SPENCE AND ME FOR THE BALL GAME ON, UH--
AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
DID YOU EAT ALL THE CHOCOLATE PUDDING?
- AND THE WHIP CREAM? - DID I?
WELL, QUICK, PUT SOME ON YOUR TITS, I'LL LICK IT OFF,
AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I WAS GONNA LICK THAT OFF OF YOU,
- BUT YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT, - IT'S FOOD NIGHT!
DO WE STILL HAVE STRAWBERRIES?
( NICK GROANS )
WE CAN STILL DO IT,
OOH, I THINK WE HAVE CINNAMON BUNS,
HOW ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY?
WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?
- HA-HA! - NO, NO, NO!
- NO! BAD IDEA, - OH, SUCH A GOOD--
- BAD IDEA, - OH, IT'S A--
- DON'T DO IT! NO! - I WON'T, OH, NO!
- MMM, - ( GIGGLING )
OW! I HATE YOU,
OH!
I THINK I HAVE SOME GUACAMOLE IN THE NIGHTSTAND,
( LAUGHING )
NO SHIRT,
WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M FREER WITH MY BODY
WHEN I'M DRUNK ON GUACAMOLE,
THERE ARE CHIPS EVERYWHERE,
- EVERYWHERE, - DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
YOU'RE MAKING PROGRESS,
YOU IMPROVISED,
- HAD IT ALL MAPPED OUT, - YEAH?
HOW TO USE THE STRAWBERRIES,
WHERE TO PLACE THE WHIPPED CREAM,
THERE'S A SPREAD SHEET SOMEWHERE, ISN'T THERE?
- THERE MAY BE, - YEAH,
WELL, I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU,
I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE,
YOU WERE LIKE A HUNGRY GRIZZLY,
- YEAH, - I WAS NAKED,
THERE WAS FOOD,
I HAD TO LIE VERY STILL,
AND YOU LIVED THROUGH IT,
THINK YOU CAN SURVIVE THE NEXT NINE NIGHTS?
- I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, - DON'T GET COCKY,
OOH!
SORRY,
THANKS FOR COMING, I AM BURIED IN DISCLOSURES ALL NIGHT,
OF COURSE, HONEY, IT IS NO PROBLEM,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
* I'M FEELING FREE TO BE
HARDER! HARDER!
* I WANT RESPECT
- HEY, - YEAH?
- MY FACE IS SMUSHED UP AGAINST THE GLASS, - OH, SORRY, SORRY,
- OKAY, - I'M SORRY,
OH! RIGHT, GET IT!
* I'M NOT THE BUGABOO, I WANT RESPECT *
OKAY,
* I WANT RESPECT
* YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SHOW *
AT THIS POINT, IT ALMOST SEEMS NORMAL,
* I WANT RESPECT, HERE WE GO, COME ON *
YEAH, HARDER!
* IT'S ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT *
COME ON,
I DON'T WANT A FUCKING ANGRY BABY,
* IT'S ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT *
CAN YOU SAY "MILK"?
* BREAK IT DOWN
* YEAH
GOOD BOY?
* IT'S ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT *
HARDER!
* COME ON, BABY, YEAH
( SPEAKING CHINESE )
MY MOM'S VISITING FROM CHINA,
SHE WANTED TO SEE WHERE I WORK,
HOW VERY NICE TO MEET YOU,
I NEED A NEW JOB,
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
HOW ARE YOU SO CALM?
THE BOOK JUST SAYS "SURPRISE DELIVERY,"
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S OUT THERE,
LET'S JUST GO WITH THE FLOW,
IT'S LIKE A GIFT FROM SEX SANTA,
HI, IS THIS THE CAPELLIA RESIDENCE?
DR, YING'S OFFICE SENT ME,
HOLY SHIT,
GOT SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU TWO,
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
HOLY SHIT,
ARE YOU THINKING THREESOME?
HOLY SHIT!
HONEY, YOU START CHECKING THINGS OFF,
TRYING TO ANTICIPATE WHAT WE HAVEN'T DONE SEX-WISE,
I JUST ASSUMED IT WOULD BE WITH A WOMAN,
OF COURSE YOU ASSUMED THAT,
I DON'T WANNA DO IT!
BUT A WOMAN? YOU SEE THAT BEARD?
THAT IS SOME SERIOUS LUMBERJACK BEARD,
HAIR IS HERE, HERE IS HAIR,
HAIR IS HERE!
OKAY, LISTEN! WE HAVE TO TRUST DR, YING,
IF WE WANNA SAVE OUR MARRIAGE, WE GOTTA FUCK THAT GUY,
- ( NICK SQUEALS ) - ( KNOCK AT DOOR )
- HI, - ( SCREAMING )
YEAH, YEAH! UH-HUH!
YEAH!
- ( CLEARS THROAT ) - HERE WE GO,
YEAH, IF I COULD JUST GET YOU TO SIGN JUST RIGHT HERE,
UM, YOUR PACKAGE IS OUTSIDE THE DOOR,
SO, PLEASE,,,
( WILLA SIGHS )
- THANK YOU, - THANK YOU, GUYS, HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?
OH, A SEX SWING,
I'M GONNA GO SET THIS UP,
ACTRESS: JESSICA, YOU ARE LATE ON YOUR RENT AGAIN,
JESSICA: I'M SORRY, BRANDY,
BUT ISN'T THERE ANY OTHER WAY I COULD PAY?
WELL, THERE IS ONE WAY,
( WOMEN MOANING )
FEMALE BRITISH NARRATOR: "YOU AND I,
IT'S AS THOUGH WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO KISS IN HEAVEN
AND SENT DOWN TO EARTH TOGETHER,"
- ( TEXT BLOOPS ) - YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE ON?
JUST KEEP GOING, I'M JUST CHECKING,
OH! IT'S STACY, I HAVE TO CALL HER,
REALLY? TELL HER I SAY HI,
NO, WAIT, THAT'S WEIRD,
- NOT A GREAT TIME, - ( STACY CRYING ) HE'S LEAVING,
- ARE YOU OKAY? - HE'S GONE,
STACY, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU,
- ARE YOU? - CAN YOU COME OVER, PLEASE?
YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE,
STACE? THE FRONT DOOR WAS OPEN,
- WHERE-- - ( SOBBING )
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DAVE AND I ARE SEPARATING,
HE JUST PACKED A BIG SUITCASE AND LEFT,
WHAT? NO, NO, NO, NO, COME HERE,
IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY,
NICK: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I'M IN SHOCK,
YEAH, AND SHE SAID IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT FOR YEARS,
THEY SEEMED SO HAPPY,
YEAH, WELL, SHE SAID THAT ALL THAT SEX WAS JUST COVERING UP
THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE NO REAL CONNECTION,
- WHAT? JESUS, - I KNOW,
I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE UP THERAPY,
- DO YOU THINK? - TODAY,
I GOTTA GO CALL DAVE,
I JUST FELT SO BAD, SHE JUST KEPT CRYING
AND THEN REPEATING HERSELF,
AND THEN I STARTED CRYING, AND--
AND THEN, FOR SOME REASON, WE BAKED COOKIES,
NICK, YOU SAW YOUR FRIEND DAVE TODAY, HOW DID THAT GO?
WE DIDN'T CRY,
SO WHAT DID YOU AND YOUR FRIEND DO?
GO HUNTING?
WE RENTED HIM AN APARTMENT,
I SEE, YOU'RE PRACTICAL AND PROBLEM-SOLVING,
WAIT, HOW DID DAVE GET AN APARTMENT?
I HAD TO WORK MIRACLES TO GET THEM THAT HOUSE,
HIS CREDIT SCORE'S A JOKE,
I CO-SIGNED,
WITHOUT TALKING TO ME FIRST? WHERE IS IT?
IT'S IN THE FAIRVIEW COMPLEX,
FAIRVIEW? THOSE ARE ALL TWO BEDROOMS,
WHY DOES ONE GUY NEED SO MUCH SPACE?
WHO'S THE OTHER ROOM FOR?
HE CAN RENT IT OUT OR--
- OR WHAT? - ( EXHALES )
WHY DID YOU CO-SIGN WITH HIM?
BECAUSE 27 NIGHTS AGO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SEPARATING
AND DAVE, HE NEEDED MY HELP,
AND I SUDDENLY SAW IT AS A BACKUP
IN CASE WE DIDN'T--
I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GOING REALLY WELL,
WELL, THEY HAVE BEEN, I DON'T WANNA LIVE THERE,
NO, YOU JUST NEEDED TO HAVE A PLAN,
DAVE AND STACY DID THIS ENTIRE PROGRAM
AND THEY STILL SPLIT UP,
AND NOW DAVE DAVE IS BUYING CRAPPY IKEA FURNITURE,
SO, YES, I NEED A PLAN IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS,
THAT'S HOW ADULTS MOVE THROUGH LIFE,
THANK YOU FOR THE LESSON, PROFESSOR SHITHEAD,
LET'S JUST TAKE A SECOND HERE AND EXPLORE NICK'S THINKING,
JUST FOR A MOMENT, IT MAY HAVE SOME REAL VALUE FOR THE BOTH OF YOU,
NOW, WHEN YOU FIRST CAME TO ME, YOU WERE BOTH ON THE BRINK,
SO, WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE IF NICK AND WILLA DID SEPARATE,
AND, NICK, YOU DID GO AND LIVE WITH DAVE? GO,
OH, YOU MEAN, NICK AND DAVE'S SWEET BACHELOR PAD
WHERE THEY THROW KEG PARTIES EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT?
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT, WILLA, AND WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS EVERY SATURDAY,
WHILE I'M THE ONE WHO'S STUCK AT HOME WITH SPENCER
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN BACKUP?
WHO SAYS SPENCER WOULD LIVE WITH YOU? WE WOULD--
OH, GOD, SPENCER,
WHAT ARE WE DOING? THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
IT'S VERY CLEAR THAT THE TWO OF YOU
- LOVE YOUR SON, - OF COURSE,
BUT THIS IS ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE, ALL RIGHT?
DO YOU THINK THAT WE CAN MOVE PAST THIS?
COME ON, TAKE A BREATH, ( INHALES, EXHALES )
DR, YING: GOOD,
NOW, EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH, IT'S TOTALLY NORMAL,
WHAT I RECOMMEND IS THAT YOU GO FIND
SOMETHING CALM AND TRANQUIL TO DO THIS EVENING,
CAN YOU DO THAT?
( CHUCKLES )
THIS IS CANTALOUPE HOUSE RUGBY,
- YEAH, - ALL RIGHT,
THE GOAL IS SIMPLE,
CARRY THE CANTALOUPE SAFELY ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM
AND THROW OR KICK IT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
OR THE KITCHEN DOOR,
- FULL CONTACT? - ABSOLUTELY,
- UH! - VIOLENCE IS ENCOURAGED,
IF YOU GET TACKLED WITH THE BALL, YOU TAKE A SHOT,
IF YOUR PASS GET INTERCEPTED, YOU TAKE A SHOT,
THE OTHER TEAM SCORES, YOU ALL TAKE A SHOT,
I'M JUST GONNA DRINK THE WHOLE TIME,
STAN'S GOT BAD KNEES, HE'LL BE SERVING AS REFEREE,
( BLOWS WHISTLE )
LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!
ALL: YEAH!
( MUSIC PLAYING )
UM, UH, DUNE BUGGY,
MOM, IT'S BRIDAL THEMED,
WHY WOULD IT BE A DUNE BUGGY?
A COLD SORE!
OR MEG, REMEMBER THE TIME YOU GOT THAT STAPH INFECTION?
YEAH, I DON'T THINK IT'S THAT, MOM,
NICK: WHOA! INJURY TIME OUT,
( GROANING )
YOU GUYS REALLY DON'T LIKE IT WHEN HOLDING IS CALLED,
IT'S NOT HOLDING, BRO, COME ON, MAN,
GAME'S OVER, GO GRAB A BEER,
IT'S STREET RULES! COME ON, MAN, GET OFF,
WHO IS THAT GUY?
- IT'S RABBI LEVINE, - NO SHIT,
- ( STAN MOANS ) - WHOA!
DUDE, I FEEL TERRIBLE,
- PEAS? - IT'S OKAY,
IT'S THE RULES OF THE GAME, YOU CAN'T PASS TO YOURSELF,
GENTLEMEN, IT'S ABOUT TIME FOR THE EVENING'S
REAL ENTERTAINMENT TO BEGIN, WHOO! WHOO!
DIOS, MÍO,
- AH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, - OW! AAH!
SO YOU ARE BEING A TOTAL PILL BECAUSE?
- I'M AWFUL, - YEAH, LATELY YOU ARE,
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU?
HE GOT AN APARTMENT,
- WHAT? WHO DID? - NICK,
WE JUST GOT THROUGH THIS CRAZY MONTH,
AND I THOUGHT THINGS WERE GOING REALLY WELL,
BUT I THINK HE'S DONE,
OH, HONEY, NO, THAT-- THAT CAN'T BE,
YOU GUYS? OKAY, ALÉ WANTS US TO COME OVER
BECAUSE HE'S AFRAID OF STRIPPERS,
ISN'T THAT SO CUTE?
SO CAN WE JUST BRING THE PARTY TO HIS PLACE?
WAIT, THERE ARE STRIPPERS AT MY HOUSE?
- SURE, WHY NOT? - ILANA: I THINK WE BETTER PICK UP
SOME DISINFECTANT ALONG THE WAY,
GOD, I'M WANNA FUCK THIS DIP,
- ( DOORBELL RINGS ) - ( MUSIC PLAYING )
I HOPE YOU BOYS ARE READY
FOR SOME TRULY FILTHY ENTERTAINMENT,
BECAUSE THESE LADIES WILL DO ANYTHING,
- ( MUSIC STOPS ) - ( CRICKETS )
( SCREAMING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
* ONE FOR THE HONEYS PARTYIN' AFTER WORK LATE *
* TWO FOR THE FELLAS GETTING SOME ON THEY FIRST DATE *
* THREE FOR THE FREE SHOT POURED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY *
* FOUR FOR THE SUBSTANCE WE LOVE IN THE WORST WAY *
* ONE FOR THE HONEYS PARTYIN' AFTER WORK LATE *
* TWO FOR THE FELLAS GETTING SOME ON THEY FIRST DATE *
* THREE FOR THE FREE SHOT POURED ON YOUR BIRTHDAY *
* FOUR FOR THE SUBSTANCE WE LOVE IN THE WORST WAY *
* ONE RULE, EVERY MOVE IS EFFECTIVE *
* BLESSED WITH FINESSE SINCE I STEPPED THROUGH THE ENTRANCE *
* YES, I IMPRESS, AND I REP IT TO MY EXIT *
* BEST OF THE BEST ON THE WEST COAST FLEXIN' *
* AND, GIRL, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR SOCIAL ILLS? *
* SEXUAL DEVIANCE AND THOSE POTENT PILLS? *
* I'M THE LAST MAN TO JUDGE, I KEEP IT SO FOR REAL *
* SO IF IT'S TABOO, THEN YOU KNOW THE DEAL *
* ENTICING EXCITEMENT, I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES WHEN *
* YOU DECIDE TO LET ME SLIDE IN *
* 'CAUSE THAT'S WHEN IT'S THE TIGHTEST *
* I'LL FUCK YOU IN THE ASS ON MY SIDEKICK *
HANG BACK A BIT, THAT'S MY ADVICE,
NO WAY, MAN,
I WANNA BE THERE THE MOMENT WHEN MY BABY ARRIVES,
YEAH, BUT MAYBE DON'T BE RIGHT THERE,
THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CAN'T UNSEE,
( URINATING )
WHAT WOULDN'T I WANT TO SEE?
"YAY! MIRACLE OF LIFE, SO BEAUTIFUL," I KNOW,
BUT THERE YOU ARE STARING AT YOUR WIFE'S MOST PRIVATE PART,
AND SUDDENLY-- OH, MY GOD!
A HEAD, AND SOME OTHER SHIT, LIKE, ACTUAL SHIT,
LITERALLY EXPLODES OUT,
AND THEN YOU WAKE UP ON THE HOSPITAL FLOOR,
AND A JAMAICAN NURSE IS SAYING, "YOU OKAY, SUGAR BISCUIT?"
AND TO THIS DAY, YOU FAINT WHENEVER YOU SEE BLOOD,
CAN I GET YOU SOME WATER, BUDDY?
AND THEN IT'S FIVE YEARS LATER,
AND SHE HASN'T LOST THE BABY WEIGHT,
AND SHE CAN'T GET PAST IT, SO NEITHER CAN YOU,
CONGRATS, BUD, YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT,
COME ON, YOU GUYS, SAPPHIRE'S GONNA TEACH US HOW TO TWERK,
- ALL RIGHT, - ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT,
- IT'S TWERKING TIME, - YEAH,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
HOW COULD YOU?
OH, HONEY, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH,
I KNOW, I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW TRAUMATIC GIVING BIRTH WAS FOR YOU!
I TOTALLY GET WHY YOU'RE UPSET, AND I AM SORRY,
BUT CAN YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN?
- HEY, YOU GUYS OKAY? - OH, YEAH, WE'RE FINE, THANKS,
NO, NO, WE'RE NOT FINE, NICK, WE'RE THE OPPOSITE OF FINE,
- HONEY, NOT NOW, - WHY NOT?
YOU SEEM TO WANNA SHARE NOW ABOUT MY FAT BODY
- AND MY EXPLODING VAGINA! - THAT'S ENOUGH,
HOW COME YOU GET TO DECIDE WHEN IT'S ENOUGH?
SORRY, GUYS, WE DON'T USUALLY DRINK THIS MUCH
- AND SHE'S A LITTLE-- - YEAH, I'M DRUNK,
I'M DRUNK BECAUSE I COMMITTED TO DRINKING CHAMPAGNE TONIGHT,
SO I DRANK TWO BOTTLES!
I DIDN'T CO-SIGN ON A BOTTLE OF VODKA "JUST IN CASE,"
- TAKE A BREATH, - WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO TELL EVERYONE, NICK?
DO YOU WANT TO TELL EVERYBODY THAT NEITHER ONE OF US
CAN EVEN LOOK AT MY LADY PARTS,
OR HOW ABOUT THAT YOU TASTED YOUR OWN COME AND LIKED IT?
- EWW, - JESUS CHRIST, WILLA,
WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?
HEY, I'M GONNA CALL YOU GUYS A CAR, HUH?
YOU CAN WAIT OUTSIDE,
COME HERE, BUNNY,
NICK: ,,,LOST ALL SELF CONTROL,
YOU JUST RUINED MEGAN'S PARTY!
LIKE YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT,
UH, DID I PISS IN THE DIP?
I DIDN'T FUCKING PISS IN THE DIP,
I'M GIVING AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT I DID NOT DO
THAT WOULD HAVE RUINED THE PARTY,
THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE, YOU JACKHOLE!
UH!
UH! ANIMAL,
WE NEVER DID TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT,
SUCK MY BIG FAT HAIRY COCK,
( WILLA GROANS )
THIS IS PERFECT!
REAL CONNECTION MEANS EXPOSING YOURSELF
TO EVERY CELL OF YOUR PARTNER'S BEING,
THEIR WORDS, THEIR SOUL, THEIR FLUIDS,
UH, IS YING KIDDING WITH THIS? WHAT A SHIT DICK,
YOU'RE LIKE A SAILOR WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK,
- FUCK YOU, - COME ON!
YOU'RE ALREADY PISSED AT ME,
THE WORD HAS TWO MEANINGS,
GRANDMA: ANYBODY HOME? SORRY WE'RE SO EARLY!
MOMMY! DADDY!
- OH! - COME HERE, BUDDY!
WILLA: I MISSED YOU SO MUCH,
- GUESS WHAT? - WHAT?
GRANDMA MADE HOMEMADE DONUTS WITH SPRINKLES AND CINNAMON
- AND POWDERED SUGAR, - YOU'VE HAD A FEW, HAVEN'T YOU?
- TWO! - WHAT?
CAN I HAVE ONE MORE, PLEASE?
I TOLD HIM HE'D HAVE TO ASK YOU FIRST,
HEY, MOM,
SIR,
AM I TO UNDERSTAND CORRECTLY THAT SPENCER
DOESN'T GET AN ALLOWANCE?
DOES HE OWE YOU MONEY?
SON, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SARCASTIC ABOUT IT,
AN ALLOWANCE TEACHES CHILDREN ABOUT THE VALUE OF MONEY,
I'M GONNA GIVE HIM $5,
WHAT? NO, WE'RE HIS PARENTS--
IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO TEACH RESPONSIBILITY,
I HAVE A BIT OF A HEADACHE, NICK, COULD YOU GRAB ME AN ASPIRIN?
- ( KNOCKING AT DOOR ) - HELLO?
YEAH, LISTEN, SON, I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERFERE
BETWEEN YOU AND SPENCE ABOUT THE ALLOWANCE,
I KNOW IT'S--
IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?
YES,
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS,
MY MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE,
AND I AM TRYING TO SAVE IT, SIR,
AND ALL THE RULES, THE PLANNING,
THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE GUY YOU TAUGHT ME TO BE,
NONE OF THAT IS HELPING,
BUT I WANT TO HOLD ON TO MY FAMILY,
YOU TAUGHT ME THAT, TOO,
SO, I AM TRYING SOME CRAZY SH-- STUFF,
WHICH LEADS US TO THIS,
WELL, HMM, I'M SORRY
TO HEAR THAT YOU AND WILLA ARE HAVING PROBLEMS,
BUT I'M GLAD TO KNOW YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, SON,
AND YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK,
BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE INTIMATE THAN A HAMMOCK,
- COME AGAIN? - I HAD ONE GROWING UP,
I CAN'T SEE ONE WITHOUT HOPING TO CRAWL IN,
- SIR, I-- I-- - MOST RELAXING THING IN THE WORLD,
OH, THESE MODERN ONES LOOK A LITTLE CHALLENGING,
NICK? NICK?
MY FATHER WAS JUST SAYING HOW MUCH HE LOVES
OUR NEW AGE HAMMOCK,
I'LL GO THROW THIS OUT,
MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T FALL, I GUESS?
BOOM!
HERE YOU GO, MOM,
THANK YOU, DEAR,
DID YOU AND YOUR FATHER TALK?
SORT OF?
HE'S TRYING,
LOOK HOW GREAT HE IS WITH SPENCER,
I KNOW, HE'S A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON,
PEOPLE CHANGE,
EVEN AN OLD DOG LIKE YOUR DAD CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS,
I LOVE YOU, MOM,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
OH, NO! HE'S TOO STRONG! OH!
- OH, IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL, - MM-HMM,
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
- CAN I COME IN? - I DON'T KNOW,
LAST TIME WE SAW YOU, YOU WERE ACTING
LIKE ALL THREE OF YOUR ASSHOLES,
YES, I KNOW, AND I AM SO SORRY,
YOU MUST HATE ME,
I DON'T HATE YOU, WILLA,
OH, MY GOD! I MEAN, YOU REALLY NEED TO THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK,
YOU'RE RIGHT, AND TODAY I PROMISE I WILL BE PERFECT,
IF I GET OUT OF LINE AT ALL, YOU CAN TELL MOM ABOUT THE TIME
I MICROWAVED HER PEARLS,
I OWN YOU,
WAIT, WHAT ABOUT MY PEARLS?
MOM, YOUR BABY'S GETTING MARRIED!
OH, YES! MY BABY'S GETTING MARRIED, OH, DARLING!
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE PEARLS LATER,
OH, SWEETHEART,
( BLOWING BUBBLES )
NICK, THEY NEED SOMEONE TO MOVE THE CAKE,
IT SHOULD NOT BE ME,
HEY, BUDDY, I GOTTA GO HELP OUT,
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
UH, DO YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES ON MY PHONE?
- YEAH! - YEAH, ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU GO,
STAY WHERE I CAN SEE YOU, OKAY? YOU, TOO,
( MUSIC PLAYING )
HEY, SAILOR, YOU MARRIED?
I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME,
THINGS HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF HAND, HUH?
WHAT YOU HEARD AT THE BACHELOR PARTY, IT WAS JUST--
I KNOW, I'M SORRY, I OVERREACTED,
MAYBE YOU WOULD OPEN UP MORE IF I WAS BETTER AT LISTENING,
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOUR BODY,
I WISH YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF AS I SEE YOU,
I'M TRYING,
AND YOU ARE HELPING,
BUT I THINK WE SHOULD THROW THAT HAND MIRROR IN THE RIVER,
TOTALLY, FUCK THAT DEVIL MIRROR,
I LOST CONTROL, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOLD EVERYONE
- YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF YOUR OWN-- - LET'S NOT SAY IT
OUT LOUD EVER AGAIN,
YUP,
SO, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN HEAR YING'S VOICE INSIDE MY HEAD,
"FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED,"
I DID BRING MY STUFF FOR NIGHT 29,
- YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE, - THAT'S FUNNY, I DID, TOO,
WE ARE SO CLOSE,
BUT WE'RE AT MEG'S WEDDING, WE CAN'T JUST--
NO, TOTALLY WE CAN'T,
MEET YOU UPSTAIRS IN FIVE?
UPSTAIRS IN FIVE,
WILLA: PROMISE NOT TO MAKE FUN OF ME?
NICK: PROMISE, WE GOTTA DO THIS,
WILLA: ALL RIGHT,
- IN THREE, - NICK: THREE,
BOTH: TWO, ONE,
- I LOVE YOU, - I LOVE YOU,
( LAUGHING )
ROAR!
WHAT ARE YOU ROARING ABOUT?
IT'S A DRAGON'S MOUTH,
OH, MY GOODNESS,
- OH! - OH, MY GOD!
( LAUGHING )
- DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? - IT'S A PARTY NOW,
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, WELL, THAT'S REASSURING,
WOW,
EVEN BETTER THAN OUR WEDDING NIGHT,
OH, THANK YOU, THANKS, HEY, THERE'S MY FAVORITE RING BEARER,
WHERE ARE YOUR FOLKS, SPENCER? IT'S TIME FOR THEIR SPEECHES,
- WHAT HAVE YOU GOT THERE? - ROAR!
OKAY, ( CHUCKLING )
WE'RE GONNA TAKE THAT AND--
HONEY, WHAT TIME IS IT?
OH, UH, SPENCER HAS MY PHONE,
HE'S PLAYING GAMES ON IT,
NICK? NICK, I NEED MY BEST MAN,
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR SPEECH,
- HOLY-- - WE ARE SO BUSTED,
( CHUCKLING )
WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?
NICK?
WE WOULD TRY CALLING YOU GUYS, BUT SPENCE HAS GOT YOUR PHONE
DOWN HERE WITH A PICTURE OF A DRAGON'S MOUTH,
A DRAGON'S MOUTH? WHY DO YOU HAVE A PICTURE
OF A DRAGON'S MOUTH ON YOUR,,,
SHIT! OH!
NICK, TELL ME YOU DELETED THE PHOTOS,
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!
HEY! SORRY,
HEY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
RIGHT, SO, HEY, BUDDY, WHY DON'T YOU GO INSIDE
- AND PLAY WITH YOUR COUSIN? - OKAY, COME ON,
- THANKS, - COME ON,
ALEJANDRO, MEGAN,
ESTEEMED GUESTS,
MIGHT AS WELL NOT BEAT AROUND THE BUSH,
( GROANING )
THAT WASN'T A PICTURE OF A DRAGON'S MOUTH YOU SAW,
THAT'S WILLA'S BEAUTIFUL VAGINA,
( GROANING )
OH, HE SAID IT,
SHE TOOK A PICTURE AND SENT IT TO ME
TO HELP SAVE OUR MARRIAGE,
AND I AM SHARING THIS WITH ALL OF YOU,,,
BECAUSE BEING OPEN IS IMPORTANT,
THAT'S SOMETHING YOU'LL LEARN ALONG THE WAY,
SO IF YOU WIND UP ON DIFFERENT CHICKEN CUTLET SCHEDULES,
OR YOU STOP FINDING EACH OTHER SO ADORABLE AT EVERY TURN,
OR YOU END UP CONTEMPLATING A THREESOME
WITH A BURLY DELIVERY GUY,
STAY OPEN, AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF
MORE IN LOVE ON THE OTHER SIDE,
TO MEG AND ALÉ,
MAY YOU STAY OPEN TO THE ADVENTURES
THAT MARRIAGE BRINGS,
MAN: HERE, HERE,
- SALUD, - ALL: SALUD,
THANK YOU, NICK,
AND NOW I'D LIKE TO HEAR FROM MY MAID OF HONOR,
MY SISTER WILLA,
WHO PROMISED ME THAT NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG TODAY,
COME ON, NO? JUST WALK THROUGH MY RECEPTION IN,,,
- HI, - ,,,YOUR WEDDING GOWN,
UM, THANKS, MEG,
HELLO, OH, GOOD,
SOME OF YOU ARE FILMING THIS,
UM, WHEN MEG AND I WERE LITTLE,
WE USED TO DREAM UP HER PERFECT HUSBAND,
HE WAS A HYBRID OF LUKE PERRY
AND ALL THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK,
- EVEN DONNY, - ( GUESTS LAUGH )
- WHAT? - BUT NOW THAT WE'RE GROWN UP,
WE KNOW THAT PERFECT DOESN'T EXIST,
BUT RIGHT DOES,
AND ALY IS RIGHT FOR MEG
AND SHE'S RIGHT FOR HIM,
ALL: AWW!
AND I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR BOTH OF YOU,
TO MR, AND MRS, RIGHT, OH, THANK YOU,
I SAY MAY YOUR LOVE GIVE YOU THE COURAGE
TO TRULY ACCEPT YOURSELVES AND EACH OTHER
AND THE HUMOR TO SEE YOU THROUGH,
I LOVE YOU GUYS,
- OH, - THANK YOU,
- ( WILLA GIGGLING )
AWKWARD HUG,
BUT NOW YOU'VE GOTTA TELL US WHY ARE YOU GUYS
IN YOUR OLD WEDDING OUTFITS?
UM, SOME THINGS DESERVE TO BE KEPT PRIVATE,
EVERYBODY, DRINK, DANCE,
AND IF YOU WERE NOT THE ACTUAL BRIDE AND GROOM,
CHANGE OUT OF YOUR WEDDING GEAR,
CHEERS!
( TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING )
YOU DID IT!
THE 30 NIGHT CHALLENGE,
HOW DOES IT FEEL?
WELL, WE DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD END WITH AN ENTIRE WEDDING
LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF MY VAGINA,
IT HAPPENS, YOU THINK YOU'RE THE FIRST?
BUT WE'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER,
IT'S LIKE IT WAS WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED, BUT BETTER,
OH,
OH, IT'S DELIGHTFUL,
WELL, WHENEVER WE HAVE A SUCCESSFUL CHALLENGE,
I LIKE TO INTRODUCE A FINAL EXERCISE,
IT'S A LITTLE SOMETHING I LIKE TO CALL THE MOIST CLOWN,
OH, NO, NO,
HELL, NO,
- NO MORE EXERCISES, - WE CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE,
THANK YOU, DR, YING,
WE COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU,
YOU GUYS ARE MY FAVORITE,
GODDAMN IT, YOU ARE GOOD, YING,
NICK: I FEEL LIKE WE'D BE CHEATING
IF WE DIDN'T COMPLETE ALL 30,
WILLA: I AGREE, I'M ON BOARD,
HOW MUCH ARE YOU DRINKING?
NICK: ( SWALLOWING ) I WANNA BE READY,
WILLA: BUT THIS DRESS IS DRY CLEAN ONLY,
DO IT!
I CAN'T,
I TOLD YOU, THE OUTDOORS MAKE ME SELF-CONSCIOUS,
WHY CAN'T WE GO INSIDE?
'CAUSE I AM NOT CLEANING THIS UP,
IT MIGHT HELP IF YOU LOOKED AT ME,
- WHAT? WHY? - I DON'T KNOW,
OH, WAIT, I THINK I'M ABOUT TO,
( SQUEALS )
- HEY, GET BACK HERE, - NO! SORRY,
- I CHANGED MY MIND, - COME ON!
SORRY! IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANNA COMPLETE THE PROGRAM,
OVER HERE!
OKAY, JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO GET--
OOH! OOH, IT'S SO WARM,
( GAGGING ) MY MOUTH!
- ( SIGHS ) - ( NICK COUGHING )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
* MY HEART IS ACHIN' IT'S OUTTA CONTROL *
* BABY, YOUR PLAYIN', BUT I RULE MY OWN *
* I DON'T NEED A LEASH TO PULL ME ALONG *
* THE ICE IS BREAKIN', THE FIRE IS LIT *
* YOU WON'T BE RESCUED IF YOU FALL IN *
* IT'S SINK OR SWIM, THAT'S YOUR ONE WARNING *
* IF I CHOOSE YOU, HONEY
* CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
* I GOT A SWEET TOOTH, HONEY
* I'LL TAKE YA FOR A RIDE
* WITH MY CHERRY MOONSHINE
* MY CHERRY MOONSHINE
TAKE ONE, MARK,
I, OF COURSE, AM DR, LANCE YING,
* YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE REASONS *
UH, SHOULD I TRY THAT-- LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN,
WILLA: THIS LITTLE PIGGY STAYED HOME,
SUCK THAT ONE,
MAN: OKAY, CUT,
( CREW LAUGHING )
WOMAN: MARK,
MOM, HI, NICK JUST KNOCKED HIMSELF OUT WITH A DICK CHUCK,
OH, LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
MAN: ALL RIGHT, UH--
YOU MUST WORK TOGETHER SO THAT ( BABBLING )
SO THAT WILL RUN-- HI,
( BAD ACCENT ) I AM A SEXY FRENCH PROSTITUTE,
( CREW LAUGHING )
( BAD ACCENT ) I AM A SEXY FRENCH PROSTITUTE,
SHITBALLS! SHIT!
( BOTH GRUNTING )
MAN: KEEP ROLLING, I JUST-- I--
I WAS JUST WATCHING, OKAY, HERE WE GO,
- HERE WE GO, READY? - READY TO ROLL,
I FORGOT THAT I WAS IN CHARGE OF THINGS, HERE WE GO,
* IF I CHOOSE YOU
- AND CUT, - ( LAUGHTER )
- RIGHT HAND, -( CREW LAUGHING )
NICK: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I WAS GONNA LICK THAT OFF OF YOU,
( MUMBLING )
GOOD, ( SNEEZES )
SMOOTH, ( COUGHS )
SURE, JUST GIVE ME A HIT,
( CREW LAUGHING )
YOU GUYS ARE JUST TEED UP PERFECTLY FOR THE NEXT ASSIGNMENT,
OW!
I'M SO SORRY, I'M SORRY,
( LAUGHING )
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
* MY CHERRY, CHERRY
MAN: I LEAVE FOR COLLEGE TOMORROW,
SO I'M SURPRISING MY PARENTS WITH BREAKFAST IN BED,
OKAY, HERE WE GO,
- OH, HONEY! - SPENCER!
( SPENCER GROANS )
( MUSIC PLAYING )
* MY CHERRY MOONSHINE