ROBERT: Hi-yo, you NerdGasmics, nerd-a-maniacs,
tuning into our podcast,,,
ROBERT AND SEAN TOGETHER: For the win!
ROBERT: As always, this is your boy Hot Rob and the Seanster,
We're coming to you live from our fucking bat cave, yo,
SEAN: Ground zero,
ROBERT: It's our Area 51, yo,
SEAN: You can't even see this, it's so secret,
ROBERT: It's so super secret, Supercon's this weekend,
It's gonna be in Westwego, Louisiana,
SEAN: It's gonna be really magical,
We're gonna have great guests on the show,
ROBERT: All of your favorite stars from TV, film, comics,
SEAN: Live from Supercon
with our very own Supercon special edition podcast,
ROBERT: We're gonna be coming to you live
from the cockpit of the shuttle craft,
so come and see us at Supercon at Westwego,
You'll get to see us, your boy Hot Rob
and the Seanster,
ROBERT AND SEAN TOGETHER: For the win!
ANSWERING MACHINE:
MAN: This call is for Mr, Mahar,
This is Lavar Apartments, This is Rodney,
You're behind on your rent, sir,
Please give me a call back immediately
to avoid getting evicted,
ANSWERING MACHINE: Next message,
WOMAN: Hi, Mr, Mahar, This is Cindy,
I work for Supercon owner and promoter Mr, Gil Bartell,
He wanted me and remind you how important it is that you wear,,,
Oh, it says here a turban from your show Tex Johnson,
Mr, Bartell says you have to wear it
or no one at the Con will recognize you
from when you were a kid,
Thanks so much and have a great Con, Bye,
ANSWERING MACHINE: Third message,
MAN: Mr, Mahar, this is your soon-to-be ex-wife's attorney,
I've made many attempts to get a hold of you in regard to Bob,
Please call me back immediately to resolve this matter,
Better yet, have your attorney call me
because if you haven't obtained an attorney, you're gonna need a good one,
ANSWERING MACHINE: Fourth message,
MAN: Princess, it's Wheeler, Where you at?
I'm at weapons check, waiting for your fat ass,
Oh, Rob and Sean want us to do their podcast in their shuttle craft
I know that gives you a boner, Hit me up, buddy boy,
Oh, God,
WOMAN: I think you've lost weight,
Last time I saw you, I don't know if you were this size,
which is not to say that you didn't look good back then,
You look good now, You look good all the time,
You need anything at all,
you just find one of us red shirts,
Take care now, Don't hurt nobody,
Okay, all right, bye,
Sir, this is only for VIP guests,
I am a VIP guest,
Tex Johnson, US marshal,
Can you be a doll, Tammy, and help out Mr, Larry Long
OMG, You're Matt Wheeler,
You can call me Wheels,
Oh, my roommate's gonna freak out,
Let her freak, Mmm!
I love Hiccup and Stringy, It's my total fave,
I'll do it for you, but only if you do the Stringy voice,
Hey, gorgeous!
Are you a parking ticket?
'Cause you got "fine" written all over you,
Oh, Stringy!
Deal's a deal,
Now, what's your name? Steven Spielberg,
Maybe I should try looking under "Douchebag,"
I think Gil would probably want you to move Keith
next to my table right here,
Can we do a little something about that?
Yeah,
Great,
KEITH: What the fuck was that?
That's the sound a little dick makes,
I have a little dick, and it doesn't make any noise,
I have a big dick, and it makes lots of noise,
Mm-hmm!
Did you hear that? You heard that,
Hey, I recognize you, handsome devil, huh?
Ah, get your pictures now, There ya go,
Sure, sure, just a couple of free ones here,
75 bucks at my table,
Ah, this pen doesn't work, Sorry,
Hey, come on, Easy, no touching,
Hide me, hide me, What?
Fucking cocksucker's here,
You are the fucking smallest guy here,
and I have to use you to cover me,
Is that Keith Mahar?
Right there, Hey,
Hey, everybody, look,
It's Hadji, my costar from Tex Johnson,
Keith, My name is Keith,
Sure it is, Just busting balls,
Hey, speaking of balls, how they hanging?
Fucking prick,
Can I get a photo with you guys?
Sure, sure, anything for the fans, right, Keith?
Yeah, Sure, sure, come on,
Oh, okay, okay,
Here, get my good side,
Go, good,
All right, smile,
And,,,
Fucking dick pic,
ADAM: Ah, that's not bad, You missed your calling,
You should've been a photographer, Hadji,
KEITH: Hey, well, you know, All right,
Catch ya later, Hadj, Yeah, great,
Hope you catch something later, you fuck,
Move, move, move, move, I bet you him and her
stand beside each other at the urinal,
Where the fucking hat I bought you
Nobody knows who the fuck you are without the hat on your head,
I believe the appropriate term is "turban,"
Okay, turban, the jihabi,
the Pamper you was wearing on your fucking head,
A jibjab rag, a diaper, where's the fucking hat?
Um,,, You know this guy?
Harold
I'm not fucking either of those people,
Callahan, This is my head of security,
and this is my brother-in-law,
and I'm gonna let him loose on your ass
if you rearrange my seating again,
I don't play that shit,
Get Jay on the phone, Motherfucker!
Can't even move fast enough to fucking scare me,
Osama bin fucking eating,
Seriously? Yeah, dude,
She left me for her fucking personal trainer,
I should've known something was up,
She would go to the gym in high heels,
Who works out in high heels?
Staying fat wasn't a clue?
She filed for divorce, emptied the bank account,
kicked me out of the apartment,
Can't you get spousal support or something?
Yeah, I would need a lawyer for that,
and I'm already paying for the fucking lawyer she hired
to divorce me,
She's what they call "a cunt burger,"
Ooh, I've had one of those before,
MATT: Yep, I told you that wench was bad news,
You're an asshole, You fucking introduced me to her,
In Vegas, baby,
Didn't you shit your pants? It was a shart,
Motherf,,,
Good,
Controller's busted, Round two,
Go home, old man, you suck!
Really?
I've seen a naked woman,
In real life,
Oh, mike drop,
I didn't tell you the worst part,
What's that?
She took Bob,
She fucking took Bob?
She stole my dog,
What kind of a person steals a man's dog?
An animal,
Yeah, She didn't even like the fucking dog,
And she ties him up in the apartment all day,
Now I'm in a custody battle over some shit I can't even afford,
And what was your name again?
You know, I can't believe your Con agent let you go out
looking like a special-needs M, Night Shyamalan,
Look at this,
Yo, check it out, Ms, Lily's here,
Mmm,
You know sometimes when I'm drunk, I do two things,,,
Watch Ms, Lily's Classroom,
and then I jerk off while watching Ms, Lily's Classroom,
Not to the classroom part, Just Ms, Lily,
I'm not a fucking creep, Kinda wanna jerk off right now,
Why don't you take that glorious headshot over?
Oh, yeah, this is what she wants,
An unemployed former child actor
whose life resembles a pile of dog shit,
Hey, Wheeler, where's Hiccup this weekend, man?
Rehab,
Hey, who are you? Keith Mahar,
I was on Tex Johnson,
Was that Keith Mahar?
Testicular cancer ring a bell?
Oh, my God, You're the ball cancer kid!
Hey, everybody, it's the ball cancer kid! Hey!
Mommy, I got ball cancer!
Oh, geez,
Fuck me, I thought you were dead,
Nope, didn't actually have testicular cancer,
therefore didn't die,
Just your career,
Fuckwad,
Hey, Bobble D,
A lemmy for me and an Irish Car Bomb
for my terrorist friend here,
I'm Indian, you fucking dummy,
WOMAN: I didn't know this was a gay bar,
Hello, lesbo face,
We were just about to start scissoring,
McNealy, that filthy mouth of yours
is not gonna get me back to your room tonight,
Chardonnay for me, thanks,
Can I get that In a to Jack and Coke, please,
And can he get a thong and a scrunchie
and maybe a Tampax with that too?
This is Rocky, We went to Michigan together,
Now we're just fucking,
You're not a personal trainer, are you?
He's a DJ, He's spinning the rave tonight,
KEITH: When he comes, does soy sauce come out?
Green or red? The low sodium or the regular sodium?
Keith,
They call me Pharaoh,
What do they call you?
Pharaoh, Oh,
I thought you were saying, "Herro,"
I should take off, Al, get my shit together,
Yeah, they're animals,
MATT: I'm a DJ too,
He works out, I work out,
Yeah, but he's supposed to be working out math,
He's dehydrated, He's lost a lot of fluids,
He is pretty big though,
Yeah, He's huge in Japan,
Hey, three inches is big in Japan,
Yeah, so you're like average there,
Does he go down on you with chopsticks?
You ever go down on him and you're hungry half an hour later?
He was big though,
Wait a minute, What?
What time is your Classic TV panel?
Um, at,,,
Oh, fuck-me-o'clock,
I'll drink it,
You got this, Now you're ready,
Bye,
Tell King he sucks,
ANNOUNCER: Downtown Crime,
Starring Brock Hutchinson
as Detective Mitch Sipes,
I look like one of the Village People,
I'm gonna tell you the true story here right now,
Brock, being the guy that he is,
he gave a bit of encouragement to a young Tom Selleck,
He said, "Now this is between you and me,"
You're out of breath?
The bar is next door,
Don't judge me, Mm-hmm,
What did I miss?
Just your dignity, sweetheart,
"Tom, why don't you go on home, grow yourself a mustache,
and then try it again,"
Let's bring out the star of Downtown Crime,
ladies and gentlemen, Brock Hutchinson!
Come on out, Brock, Come on out!
I came out years ago!
Hello, Westwego,
When you get the clap from you guys,
I think you really mean it,
I don't wanna leave you out here all by yourself there, Brock,
Our next guest, everyone's favorite ball cancer kid,
Fuck me,
Ooh!
You've been a bad Hadji,
That's gonna leave a mark,
You see here, little fella,
down here in Texas, we take care of our own,
Speaking of which, you feeling okay?
Go ahead, Hadji, We're all friends here,
It's okay to talk about, Judge Glover,
Tex told me I have testicular cancer,
Oh, Hadji!
All right, from Tex Johnson, US Marshal,
it's that crazy go-kart-driving Hadji,
Keith Mahar!
Get the fuck outta here, Prick,
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Supercon,
Remember, personal hygiene affects everyone,
Hey,
If you smell someone, tell someone,
Keep it in the pants, man,
Skip,
Hey, you see that guy? Is he your type?
Over you? A thousand times, yes,
How about Adam King of the Cocks over there?
He's a prick,
Hides it well from the fans though,
Well, you and Mr, Sulu, that really happening?
Listen, you need to let this go,
You're too pretty to give good head,
Never had to work for it, I'm just not that into you,
When you're banging Chairman Mao,
do you think of me the whole time
or just during climax?
Which I can only assume happens
while he's neatly folding clothes in the other room,
Is neatness even a racial stereotype?
If it's not, it should be, right?
I don't fuck racists, Bye, Felicia,
Cold, cold,
MAN: Football is in my possession, RTV, over,
Copy that, Callahan's on his way to your office, sir,
He's got money from the first round of photo ops,
Is it true he's a Navy Seal?
What? I'm surrounded by idiots,
We're still having that little issue,
Copy that, Back over there,
Okay, Seth Green, sir, he needs a new chair,
He's too short, evidently,
Saw the legs off the table, Shit,
That's a good idea, sir, Um, one more thing,
Adam King is flirting with our interns,
and she's only 15, Gil,
First off, my name is Mr, Bartell,
Oh,
Yeah, Second of all,
my man Adam King is signing for four hours each day,
We move 10 mouth-breathers through the line a minute,
He gets $75 per signature or a photo,
That's roughly about $180,000 per day,
120 grand to me,
And 420 grand to him,
Green is for the money and what?
Gold is for the honey,
Every time he's not signing autographs and taking photos,
you're literally taking money out of my pocket,
No, sir, I wouldn't,,,
Wait, How much does Adam King charge?
Go pick it up,
Now? Let's go, let's go!
Yes, sir!
How'd the panel go? Could've gone better,
You know, these fucking things are making way more money
than we are this weekend,
My show ran for four seasons,
and those four wheels of shiny wax shit
broke down every episode,
One of 'em blew up once,
For no reason at all, Just kaboom!
Hey, this is weed,
Are you a cop?
Where the hell is Wheeler?
He forgot something in his room,
BOTH: He's taking a shit,
Oh, my God,
I gotta call you back, Dad,
I know, You're speechless,
Thought we were getting an Uber,
Everyone, meet Mr, Sean and Mr, Robert,
Hey, guys, Together, they are NerdGasm,
To call these gentlemen "fans" would be an insult,
I like to think of them as men among boys,
Can I ask you guys, the experts, a Con question?
Adam King, awesome or asshole?
Wait, you mean Captain James W, Slade?
Right, Asshole, right?
ROBERT: AKA Future Force's Golden Guardian?
Or Tex Johnson,,,
US Marshal?
Uh, he's awesome,
Tell me, do you guys pick up girls in this thing?
It's like Spanish Fly,
It's a panty-dropper,
Dorks,
By the way, where are we going?
You guys like barbecue, crawfish?
I like Applebee's,
Yeah, it's just like that,
You gotta take a left right here,
Since we're all here, you know, Sean and I, we do a podcast,
It's called NerdGasm, F-T-Dub,
Never miss it, Yeah?
Uh-huh, I thought of the name,
We wanted all you guys to be on it,
Love to,
Allison's gonna need a small mike,
She likes small mikes,
There's a smaller red one,
or we got a big black one up here,
MATT: Kid
We can see what we got, Baby mikes?
ALLISON: Party size,
Party, There you go,
ALLISON: Better for anal,
ROBERT: So is that a yes, or is that a,,,
Well, you know Matt did say we'd do it, so,,,
Great! Three, two, one,
Oh, check the levels,
Oh, you mean now,
Levels, Sean!
ROBERT: Hi-yo, you NerdGasmics, nerd-a-maniacs,
tuning into our podcast,,, BOTH: For the win!
As always, it's your boy Hot Rob and the Seanster,
'Sup, Coming to you live
from the cockpit of the shuttle craft,
You say cock? I didn't say cock,
Cock-a-doodle-do, we are right here, gentlemen,
What the fuck?
Look at this piece of shit,
This doesn't look like Applebee's,
Hey, nice ride, Captain Kirk,
Set your phasers to fag,
Whoo!
Hey, man, sorry! We gotta go! Bye-bye!
Yeah!
I think you dropped this,
Queers,
Fuck you,
Dude, what the fuck was that, man?
That guy looked like my dad, I don't need that shit, man,
Fuck you, man, That was ball cancer kid?
Aw, fuck,
Called respect,
Respect,
Ball cancer got balls, Respect!
Fuck! That was my last beer,
ALLISON: There's been a rumor going around
that Dragon-Con was robbed of 100 grand
by some guys dressed up like stormtroopers,
KEITH: New Hope or Force Awakens?
ALLISON: Does it matter? KEITH: It matters,
New Hope, okay? Stay with me,
It's an urban legend,
Bullshit, I heard it from a very reliable source,
Her pot dealer,
Medical marijuana provider,
What's the story?
Evidently the guy, or guys, walked in
and held up the con office, like Pulp Fiction,
They grabbed the cash,
and then they escaped
by slipping into the big cosplay parade
that takes over downtown Atlanta every year,
They timed it so perfectly,,,
They blended in seamlessly with the 501st Legion,
Clean getaway,
Oh, fuck,
Not this fucking guy, Here?
I gotta throw a piss,
GIL: Look who that is, KEITH: How do you throw a piss?
ADAM: Oh! BROCK: You leave a piss,
ALLISON: Maybe he doesn't hold it, KEITH: You throw a party,
Oh, my God, Maybe it's a piss party,
Hadji!
What kinda trouble you getting into now, son?
Oh, you're not eating pork, are you, Mahar?
Aren't all the other cabbies gonna get pissed
that you're chowing down on the sacred cow?
Cow, pork, same thing, right? Fucking idiot,
Oh, Allison, looking stunning as usual,
Brock Hutchinson, you old queen,
What are you doing hanging out with the supporting cast, huh?
I haven't seen an asshole this big
since Andy Dick's Christmas party,
Good call, Yeah,
Hey, listen, Adam, we're about to leave,
Excuse me, are you Adam King?
Hold on, hold on, Adam Future Force King?
Not right now, player, Not right now,
Good eye, kid,
Can I shake,,,
Gil, it's okay, I can't,,,
It's okay, Gil, it's okay,
I just wanna,,, Oh, my God,
Sir, I'm an actor too, Where did he come from?
I've learned so much from watching your shows,
Do you teach an acting class or something?
We'd love to take it, Fuck me,
ADAM: I'll give you one for free,
From one great actor to another actor,
those that can't, teach,
I learned everything I needed from the streets, kid,
Is it true that you turned down
the role of John McClane in Die Hard?
Let me tell you something,
The King can't be upstaged by a skyscraper,
Ah! Nakatomi ain't got nothing on the King,
Well, you just keep doing that awesome thing you do,
Got no other choice, kid,
Yeah, dude! Come on, man!
All right, come on, Let's get something to eat, huh?
You'll never make it, Wheeler,
Never in life, Let's get some chow, huh?
I suggest we get outta here,
Let's go see DJ Chardonnay, Copy that,
What a fucking racist, homophobic prick,
He used to do the same shit to me on set when I was 10 years old,
He'll get his,
Might be sooner rather than later,
WOMAN: And she's gonna tell us all about
her favorite hat pattern,
WOMAN 2: Oh, thank you! WOMAN: Good to have you on the show,
WOMAN 2: It's nice to meet you, finally,
I've been working on this for a while,
It's a basket-weave hat,
like you make the basket-weave for the baby blankets,
Well, I have always loved that pattern,
All right, I got something
that's gonna turn this night around,
All I'm offering
is the truth,
Nothing more,
How can we refuse?
Brock?
Mmm, I'm in,
What are they?
Does it matter?
Swear to God, if this is Viagra,
we're gonna find out if Brock's a power bottom or not,
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Supercon,
the Klingon linguistics panel has been changed to,,,
You look like hammered shit,
I think I might've fucked a chicken last night,
Been there,
It's all a blur, The last thing I remember is,,,
The Dixie Pig,
From last night,
Motherfucker!
You know, you're a real fucking asshole,
Guess that barbecue sauce is going to leave a mark, Hadji,
Don't fuck with the King,
Yeah,
Ball cancer kid, Ball cancer kid,
I'm telling you, man, he fucked a chicken,
Wasn't pretty,
What you do, I guess,
Mm, Ned Stark, right?
And that 'fro is on fire, my man,
Keep it hard, Mr, Cronin,
Keep it hard,
How you feeling?
Day two, guys, How are you doing?
Oh, hey, it's big day,
You know, lots of people to meet,
lots to get signed,
I missed you guys last night,
We could've used you, Really?
ANNOUNCER: Attention, security, please report to section three,
Oh, no, whoa, That's King's section,
How the fuck do you know that?
I mean, come on, if there's anything I know this weekend,
it's who's at what table,
This guy,
ANNOUNCER: Security, report to section three,
Oh, shit,
Ball cancer kid! Ball cancer kid!
Fuck you! Hey, what the fuck is wrong,,,
That's the last time, Hadji,
You piece of shit!
Not the face! Not the,,, You,,,
You fucking,,, Stop it, stop it!
Break it up,
GIL: Stop it! Come on, man, Break it up!
Stop! Stop it!
Eww,
Oh, no,
That's barbecue sauce?
Keith and King got in a fight,
More of a mud wrestle,
Gil got involved, It got ugly,
And he fired the three of us,
All three of you?
Where's Gil?
GIL: Is it really that bad? He's upset with me?
What kinda shit is that?
He's really upset that he,,,
Do you really wanna be with him?
I mean, be honest,
You are living proof that evolution works in reverse,
How you gonna fix this, Gil, huh?
Come on, Shock me with an intelligent answer,
Blow my mind, I fired everybody's ass,
Ehh! Wrong,
That is YP, not MP,
Your problem, not my problem, I got it,
See? Even she knows what I'm talking about,
Picture this, Aw, man!
Hundreds of sweaty, obese single parents,
the walking fucking dead with their fat little fingers
holding illiterate crayon signs saying,
"Supercon sucks,"
No! Why
Leave,
Can I have a hug?
I just want a,,,
You usually hug me,
Oh, what fools these mortals be,,,
Or not to be,
That is the question,
Shakespeare, baby,
I might have to ask you for something very special,
Lucky me,
Yes,
Uh, Gil, What do you want today?
It was all my fault, okay?
Fuck, Listen, you can't fire my friends,
You gotta un-fire 'em,
I ain't got time for your shit today, Wheeler,
Well, I'm telling you, man, this shit's gonna come out
no matter how you wanna play it,
Gil, listen, man, you can't fire Allison, Brock, and Keith
for something I fucking did,
Watch your tone, It's my convention,
I'll do what the fuck I want with it,
But you got it all wrong, man,
Talking about my friends, Gil,
Yeah, yeah, your friends? My friends,
Really, yeah, whatever, your friends,
Where,,, All the fucking XLs are gone? Shit,
Hello, How are you? I'm Matt Wheeler,
It's lovely to meet you and all your cash,
Wow!
Wow, Is this all the Con cash?
Stop touching shit, all right?
This is crazy, Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Your eyes, your eyes, avert 'em, right here,
This cash that you see? This is mine,
Your fucking buddy last night went and drew a big-ass cock
on Adam's car,
He assaulted him,
Keith couldn't assault a freaking turtle, man,
Yeah, yeah, right, If he did, it's 'cause King
was slapping his balls time and time again,
I could've had your ass arrested,
That's right, but I didn't send you to jail,
You could've got,,, What? Ten years,
But I did something a little lighter for you,
You're fired,
You're fucking fired,
And you and your little loser-ass friends
don't ever, ever come back to Supercon again,
You're a fucking idiot, You're banned,
And you'll never work the Southern cities like, uh,,,
Dallas, Dallas,
Houston, Houston, You love Houston,
Dustin, Dustin,
Fucking New Orleans, Baton Rouge,
Best seafood in the world, Baton Rouge,
MATT: You're just throwing out cities,
The boot, bitch,
You're an idiot,
You're banned,
For life,
You know, one of these days,
all this shit, all of it,,, Yeah?
It's gonna catch up with you,
Yeah?
And I'm gonna be right there to see it,
KEITH: Do you piss or shit yourself when you get tased?
'Cause you fucking smell like both,
Speaking of which, I gotta take the bus back home,
You ever been on a fucking Greyhound?
Mm-hmm,
Another round, Aaron,
The bartender, That's classy,
Even he has a better shot than you,
Well, at least we all got fired together,
What fucking kills me
is that Gil's making so much money off of everyone,
that he needs the cash machines from Scarface to count it all,
It's insane, Shit ain't right,
KEITH: You can't win if the game's rigged,
I got an idea,
Oh, I hope that's not what he sounds like when he comes,
Why are we meeting in here?
Because it's a gym during a comic convention,
This room is safer than the White House,
Yeah, but what are we doing in here, Matt?
Hey, I'm not just gonna blurt it out,
I'm gonna seduce you,
Things are gonna get moist in here, my friends,
Very moist,
All right, well, spit on it
and put it in already, for fuck's sakes,
Let's rob Supercon,
The fuck did he just say? Excuse me?
I'm in,
What'd you give him last night?
Oh, she gave me hope, baby,
We all know Gil is the motherfucking
Tony Montana of Supercon,
Do you remember what she said
about the stormtroopers robbing Dragoncon?
Yeah, We dress up,
we steal the stash,
and we walk out like nothing every happened,
You wanna steal everyone's payout money?
You dick, No, That's the sexy part,
Allison, Gil pays out everyone working the Con Sunday morning,
right before we all start catching flights or buses home,
He pays out everyone, except Adam King,
'cause his humongous panel is Sunday 2 p,m,, the last day,
So the only cash left in the office will be,,,
Gil's money, And King's money,
Bringo,
I'm in,
Yeah, but the cops will catch us in a heartbeat,
You bet your flabby ass they would,
but who's calling the cops, man?
IRS will be all over him,
plus an audit would show that he's been skimming off the top
all these years,
I'm in,
You're nuts,
Talk to me,
I'm outta here,
Enjoy your heist there, Danny Ocean,
Where you going, little lady? I got a bus to catch,
Your idea fucking sucks, and my ass isn't that flabby,
You didn't even hear the plan, Casey Affleck,
I heard enough, and Casey Affleck
is easily the better Affleck,
Later, fuckface,
Go get him, Go get him,
Don't move,
Keith, wait up, you big puss,
At least hear the plan first, Keith,
You did enough, man, all right?
You just got me fired from my only fucking source of income,
and now you want me to go to prison, for five to ten years? Fuck that,
I needed the fucking money from this weekend,
Look, your share of the money from this plan,
you're gonna be a very wealthy terrorist, my friend,
I don't know if you know this, but you're a white guy,
You have all the opportunities in the world in Hollywood,
I don't have shit,
You could be a leading man,
You could be a fucking supporting role,
You can be a Japanese woman if you needed to be,
I was a series regular for five years
on fucking Tex Johnson,
and my parents took every dime I made,
These conventions are the only thing that give me any money,
and thanks to you, I don't even have that anymore,
I haven't worked in over a fucking year,
and I just lost my agent,
Why?
'Cause she's a fucking asshole,
She keeps wanting me to go out for these auditions
for Terrorist Number One and fucking Cab Driver
and 7-Eleven and Call Center,
Well, with your share of the money,
you can buy a 7-Eleven,
I don't need a fucking 7-Eleven!
I'm not going to jail 'cause I'll be a fucking candy bar,
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
I'm sorry that every acting job you go out for
is for some racist shit,
But you can't just walk away,
Who wrote Harry Potter?
Some fucking bitch in England,
WOMAN: You mean J,K, Rowling?
Yeah, you fucking dork, Yeah, thanks!
J,K, Fucking Rowling, Dumbledore!
She wrote that book after her husband left her stone cold,
J,K, had no money,
J,K, had a baby to feed,
J,K, had to go on welfare,
J,K, didn't rob anybody,
She wrote a children's fucking book,
J,K, grew some balls,
And that's what I'm talking about,
'Cause if you walk, the Gils, the Adam Kings of the world,
they beat you,
It's time for you to grow some big, hairy,,,
Harry Potter balls,
Can you do that?
With or without cancer?
You guys know this is a dumb idea, right?
Oh, yeah, we do,
I'm in,
You forgot one thing, ugly,
Never underestimate Future Force,
All right, Guardians,,,
The bridge is secure, Get the door,
Babe, door,
Attack formation to the hangar,
Sector seven, go,
Hookers can't open doors?
Hey! Oh, it's you,
Hail to the King!
I was looking for you in your hotel room,
After the party last night, it was barely habitable,
You're gonna get the bill, Don't get cheap on me, man,
All right, yeah,
So what's up, Gil?
I thought you said you were gonna fix things around here,
You know what, Mr, King?
I'll assure you that I'ma get to the bottom of this,
See, I could've killed you right there,
You either had your hand in her ass
or your ass won,
Get your shit together, Gil,
Yeah, I gotta get it together, All right,
So what's the drop, fat man?
Okay, last night, we made about 45 grand,
That was before the incident,
So we cool, we good,
No, no, We made a little money,
We looking pretty cool, No, not good enough, chief,
Sorry, Jack it up,
We should've made 75 grand this morning,
Okay, okay, okay, I understand,
But you know the fans,,, Fuck the fans,
Those underweight knuckle-draggers
will pay what I tell them to,
You just,,, Gil, you gotta smile at 'em,
All right,
Smile right in their faces,
and you reach around and grab their wallets, you see?
I like that, I like that,
Now, you know the cons, we never charge you,,,
Stop! Shh,
Shh, don't, don't talk, don't speak,
Say my name,
BOTH: Adam King,
Tex Johnson, US Marshal,
The Golden Guardian, huh?
MAN: Who ordered steak and lobster?
GIL: Get your ass in here,
Come on, motherfucker, Food's here,
I have a lobster thermidor
and a porterhouse steak extra well-done,
Oh, yeah, all right, For your food,
Cristal and beluga, Yeah, there it is, there it is,
Oh, where's my kiwi?
Babe, what color is kiwi?
Green, like money,
That green? No,
Is that green? No,
All right, it's green, Okay,
Looks like a big mast of testicle,
Okay, I'll,,, Kiwi,
See any kiwi? Okay,
Gil will take care of it, Yeah, come on, man,
Here's the bill, Fuck the bill,
Get your ass out, Come on, Jonathan Winters,
Get your ass outta here,
Fuck you, Get outta here, Get your ass outta here,
Yeah, big fan, Mr, King, Hey, fuck you,
Your movies got me through a tough time in my childhood,
Get your ass outta here, Eat a dick,
Woo, woo!
Yeah, take a number, Woo, woo,
** Pop a bottle
** Pop a bottle on a bitch
Woo, woo,
** Pop a bottle on a bi,,,
No, I wasn't calling your girl a bitch,
It's a new song out called "Pop a Bottle,"
2 Chainz or one of them, Open that,
Okay,
I know you all must have a ton of questions,
You know, um,,,
Brock, can you please not,,,
Brock, just,,, Not now,
I gotta concentrate,
Time and a place,
I got all the ins and outs covered, you know that,
Ugh, I hope this plan is better than your pickup lines,
Don't hold your breath,
Look, we all know that when King leaves the stage,
he gets the fuck out of Dodge,
But not before he hands Gil the autograph and photo money,
Exactly,
So we have to get that money
before it gets backstage and into King's hands,
Did you just,,,
How do we do it?
MATT: We start with Brock breaking into Gil's office
through the air vents,
When he gets to Gil's office, he rappels down,,,
Think first Mission: Impossible,,,
And takes out Callahan,,, VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER: Fatality,
MATT: Sub-Zero style from Mortal Kombat,
Allison, you're gonna be looking like Emilia Clarke
riding in on a fucking dragon,
You lure Gil all the way to the loading dock,
And just when Gil thinks he's gonna get lucky,
you drop a lighter into a puddle of gasoline
that Gil just happens to be standing in,
turning him into the Human Torch,
MATT: Now, me and Keith are gonna meet up with Brock,
We crack the safe, we load up the bags,
and we get the fuck out of there,
We all meet up out front of the Con,
We're scot-free, We celebrate,
Me and Allison make out, just like she always planned,
That's the plan? So much wrong with that plan,
You think I'm gonna just light a man on fire?
KEITH: What about Adam King?
What about security cameras? What about Callahan?
What about people seeing our fucking faces?
Why don't we just do the stormtropper thing?
Because we're doing an original, This is not a sequel,
But I'm wearing a Targaryen princess outfit
for absolutely no reason?
Well, one reason,
I think I could still catch that bus,
Well, I'm in, MATT: Thank you, Brock,
You can still grow some balls in plan B,
Right before Adam King's panel starts,
Keith and I will be on the floor in costumes,
so we won't get caught,
Yeah, bitch,
Callahan will be on guard outside Gil's office,
Allison, it's gonna be your job
to seduce Callahan away from the office,
You do this by having sex with Callahan,
And in the middle of that disgusting act,
you knock out Callahan with a tire iron,
Now, after breaking in through the air vents,
Brock, you're gonna radio me and Keith, so we can come in,
grab the cash, and skedaddlee-do outta there,
Allison, you're gonna infiltrate, that's right,
infiltrate the security office
and wipe all the security footage clean,
wearing a different sexy cosplay outfit,
Dealer's choice,
We meet up in the parking lot,
We drive off into the sunset in Bigfoot Number One,
Allison, you and me make out hard,
Go big, finish big,
Why am I the whore? Why can't Keith be the whore?
Well,,, I'll be the whore,
Bigfoot? What, do you live in the '80s?
Oh, yeah, and on that note, I cannot drive a monster truck,
You did in Downtown Crime,
That was Gary Jensen, stuntman,
Not a problem, 'cause I got it all worked out in plan C,
Plan C? Plan C?
Same thing out front,
Me and Keith are gonna be on the floor,
Brock, you're in your favorite place,
Allison, you're still distracting Callahan,
but you're not having sex with him,
You just need to get him away from that door,
You're gonna be hauling ass over to the security office,
and you're gonna be wiping all the security footage clean,
wearing a sexy, tiny Japanese anime number,
Brock rappels down the air vent,
He unlocks the door for me and Keith,
We crack the safe,
we load up all the bags and get the heck outta there,
We meet at the getaway car,
Lee Harvey Oswald's favorite target practice,
a cherry Lincoln Continental,
Hold up,
I'm not happy about being on security detail,
but I'll do it,
But you're in for the outfits, right?
Problem is, if we wipe the security cams,
we can't keep track of Adam King and Gil on the floor,
Not a problem, We got Brock in the air vents,
Cover all our asses,
Where are these cars coming from?
It's my plan, man, I get to pick the cars,
Hey, I got an idea,
Why don't we just take a shuttle bus?
This plan you speak of is full of holes,
Shut up, Matt,
However, I think we can really do this,
Guys, we gonna do this?
I'm in,
It's like the tip of my cock in your ass, Matt,
I'm in,
Yes!
We still need one more person
just to keep their eyes on Gil,
And King,
I have an idea,
I really should've been Obama, Why?
I don't know, it looks like they outsourced Trump's hands,
Where the hell is Brock?
Right here,
What, this old thing?
Watch it,
SID: Kirby taught me,,,
There's our guy,
How to be more dramatic,
how to make things bigger than life,
and he was absolutely right,
Kirby was a wonderful man,
I mean, he taught me so much,
Um, Sid, hi,
Allie bear, Rrr,
Hi, Love this disguise,
It's a Louise Brooks sort of goth nerd?
It's Louise Brooks-ish, yeah,
Everybody, this is my favorite artist working today,
Allison McNealy, and she is great,
Oh, by the way, great work on your book Battle Worlds,
It's fantastic, Great, kiddo,
Thanks,
Thank you, Sid,
Willie Nelson is playing a concert,
Sorry, hon, I'm a little deaf,
Willie Nelson is playing a concert,
This is,,, That's Vietnam, so you have to speak loud,
We've got great weed,
Guys, back in 20!
How much of this shit have you kids been smoking?
KEITH: Not enough,
Whoa!
Hey, you're in Silicon Valley,
Parks and Rec, Oh, that's not as funny,
I mean, it's still good,
I guess it's good,
Sid, come on, what do you think?
You in? I don't know, folks,
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this thing,
Which does not make it not the right thing to do,
I have a longer, darker history with Adam King
than you kids know about,
Back in '79,
my lovely ex-wife, God rest her soul,
warned me that he was gonna screw me
on the Future Force TV deal, which he did,
Had to fight for years to get the rights back,
spent a small fortune doing it,
Now I just wanna share stories with fans,
and not with the inmates of cell block D,
I grew up reading your comics, Mr, Newberry,
What made your comics great wasn't the superheroes,
Your books were about human morality
wrapped in a superhero cape,
When those pages were open, man,
I didn't think about being the weird kid,
I didn't think about Tito Lopez kicking my ass in the fourth grade,
When I was reading your books, I wasn't alone,
That's it, The people who come to these cons,
and I'm talking about all of us,
this is where we don't feel alone,
The Adam Kings of the world?
The Gils?
They're robbing that from us,
They overcharge,
and they treat the fans like shit,
Sid,,,
We wanna take it back for the fans,
You know, either this grass is really, really good,
or this kid just monologued me,
Sid,
Listen, that was very good, I wish I had a pen,
Sid, is that a yes? Is that a yes?
You're great kids,
and Adam King is an incredible asshole,
but unfortunately, he makes up a major part
of my retirement income,
so you see, he's my necessary evil,
Let's do another book soon,
Good luck, guys,
Sid,,,
Can you at least think about it?
Not if I smoke any more of that weed,
I'm gonna go play some Allman Brothers,
Oops, sorry,
Thought this was the hentai room,
Dare I ask about a plan D?
Who has a plan D?
Obviously not you,
Oh, oh, Mr, King! Mr, King!
Mr, King, can I please have your autograph?
Sure, big guy, anything for a Future Force fan,
You're my hero,
Oh, I love your work, man, I bet you do,
It's pretty good, isn't it? Yeah,
All right, there ya go, 75 bucks, bro,
Oh, my sister's at the restaurant,
I don't have any money,
I just thought you could give it for me for free,
Oh, I don't,,, I just thought,,,
Golden Guardian doesn't work for free, kid,
You can have this when you go into your sister's purse,
steal 75 bucks,
Got it right here for ya, all right?
Yeah, Let's go, babe,
Bye-bye now,
Oh,
Think fast,
I can't believe who they let in these things anymore,
You dick!
Motherfucker!
ADAM: Hey, Sid Newberry, you're still alive, huh?
Good for you, good for you,
You know, that's not his real name,
Yeah, I can't ride a bike, and I can't roller-skate either,
Sid! I knew you'd come back,
How'd you find us?
I just came in for some more of that weed,
Thanks,
You know you don't have to keep on working when you get fired,
Mm, This one's for me,
Really
You're not Adam King,
Golden Guardian, our fearless leader,
Fearless leader,
That's one thing I've never been accused of,
Uh-oh,
There it is,
Hey, I feel like you're about to bestow us some wisdom,
Here's some wisdom,
I just wish you guys would just fuck already,
Whoa, whoa, Don't do it for me,
Do it for you,
KEITH: I just want you guys to fuck,
Just get it out of the way,
and then we can be all normal again,
Can you believe this is possibly our last night of freedom?
This is the best night of my life,
I believe you,
The night was mighty dark,
so you could hardly see,
And the moon refused to shine,
There was this couple sitting underneath the willow tree,
For love,,,
For love, they pined,
The little maid was kinda 'fraid of darkness,
so she said,
"I guess I'll go,"
The boy began to sigh,
He looked up in the sky,
and he told the moon his little tale of woe,
He said,,,
** Shine on
** Shine on, harvest moon
** Up in the sky
** I ain't had no loving since
** January, February, June or July
** Snow time
** Ain't no time to stay
** Outdoors and spoon
** So shine on
** Shine on, harvest moon
** For me and my gal, yeah
** So shine on
** Shine on, harvest moon Where?
** Up in the sky That's right!
** I ain't had no lovin' since
** January, February, June It's so sad!
** Snow time
** Ain't no time to stay outdoors and spoon
** It leads to forking!
** Shine on
** Shine on, harvest moon
** For me and my gal **
MATT: You know if we get nailed,
I just ruined the lives of four people I really care about,
True,
Do you think you and this crew
can handle 10 years in a maximum security prison?
You heard Keith, He's happy for the first time since he was 12,
Brock is clearly loving it,
Sid's finally part of a superhero team,
So?
In or out, Wheeler?
If that's not Adam King, and I'm now the Golden Guardian,
you gotta make my package way bigger,
Just sayin',
MATT: Okay, guys, we all know the plan,
Until we actually touch the money,
we haven't done anything illegal,
We're just LARPing,
That's the story,
** Yeah
** Galaxy Enterprise
** You know what it is
** One, I'ma get it
** They say the sky the limit
** But I'm shooting for the stars
** 'Cause the sky, I'm living in it
** Last night I had a vision that I was gonna be rich
** Today I woke up rich Yeah,
** Ain't that a bitch There you are,
** I just get this Guwop and stack it
** Ain't no leasing on that phantom, nigga
** I just get this Guwop and stack it
Still got any body oil?
Body oil, Babe!
** It's all about actin' To be all G, these niggas PC
** 'Cause they definitely ain't Mac'n
** Talk bricks all in that stash box
** But he certainly ain't trapping
** They think the lane theirs They ain't playing fair
** To I catch 'em off up in traffic
** Run on 'em off the road The king overthrown
** Before ya realize what happen, whoa
** One, I'ma get it
** They say the sky the limit
** But I'm shooting for the stars
** 'Cause the sky, I'm living in it
** Last night I had a vision that I was gonna be rich
** Today I woke up rich
** Ain't that a bitch
** I just get this Guwop and stack it
** Ain't no leasing on that phantom, nigga
** I just get this Guwop and stack it
** Ain't no leasing on that phantom, nigga
** I just get this Guwop and stack it **
Good luck,
I feel like that was a reference to something I should know,
This is it, See ya in a few,
All right,
Yo, Wheeler,
Yeah, Don't fuck this up,
there might be something waiting for you at the end of it,
Motherfucker,
Boom!
All right, We have a hole,
That's quite a hole,
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not bad,
Speaking of, Wait,
You couldn't just be a cat burglar,
You had to be a sexy cat burglar?
This was the only outfit I could find on the floor
that fit the job,
Are you wearing heels?
Yes, I am,
Well, more of a go-go boot, but yes,
Where the fuck is your harness?
It's underneath,
Want me to ruin this line?
Well, you working it, pussycat, Come over here,
Thank you, Matt,
Let's give you some light,
Must be so tight on my junk 'cause it feels very good,
It's a natural tea bag, Thank you,
Oh, God, wait! Those are my balls! Please!
You're touching my taint! Get outta my taint!
That's my face, Oh, sorry, Can you smell that?
Go, Brock, go!
It's like being a suppository in the anus of hell,
I can't believe that you got,,,
Oh, shit!
BROCK: I'm fine, Brock!
It's good
BROCK: Help,
I mean, just stay where you are,
Okay,
Jesus!
Can you feel your legs?
BROCK: I've got legs?
Let's just get him the bags,
BROCK: Just stay where you,,, Throw me the bags!
Oh!
Thanks,
Okay,
MATT: Let us know when the eagle has left the nest,
KEITH: I'm fogging up faster than a teenager
in the back seat of a Honda Civic,
MATT: Be thankful you're not wearing a turban,
You know, 40 years,,,
Ooh!
38 movies, 2 television shows,
and you are by far the worst sound guy I've ever worked with,
I mean, seriously, look at this,
Looks like I have a hernia,
You giving me a hand job now?
Hi, gents,
Do you guys mind if I hang back here,
see the big panel?
I just love to see the fans' faces
when they talk about Future Force,
Yeah, well, that makes one of us,
GIL: You want me to get this guy, King?
Who the fuck,,, Ah, that's okay,
It's all right, He's harmless,
Aren't you, Sid?
Glad you're still my fan
after all those lawyers got through with ya,
Boy, he's asking for it,
Oh, now it looks like I have R2D2 hanging from my balls,
Seriously? Sorry, sir,
Come on, beat it, Pepe, Get outta here,
Yep, you know, I haven't killed a man since Vietnam,
but that may change today,
Here you go, honey, You're welcome,
I can give you this handheld mic, if you'd rather,
You mean this was an option the entire time?
I'm sorry, I just thought that,,,
Oh, my God,
ANNOUNCER: You know him as Tex Johnson,
you know him as the Golden Guardian,
it's the one, the only, Adam King!
Yes!
Look at us, What a great crowd,
I think this is the biggest crowd so far at the Con,
Isn't it
I know it is,
They sold too many tickets, you know,
but there's a line all the way around
this huge, uh,,,
This huge convention center,
It goes all the way around, You people are the lucky ones,
The eagle is in flight, King's onstage,
I got eyeballs on Gil, We're good to go,
MATT: Allison, you're up,
Get Callahan off that door,
What are you doing here
all by yourself?
Nothing's working,
KEITH: He's gotta be a terminator,
MATT: No red-blooded male can resist that,
BROCK: He's gay,
That UFC macho shithead bullshit isn't fooling anybody,
He's gay as a goose,
Puts the dump in cumdump,
He's so gay, he puts an S in turtle,
Damn light's not working, Damn this piece of shit,
I'm above the office, Get in here,
KEITH: We should've got Brock for this,
I see, I see a bunch of Xenas here,
Look, yeah, there's one up there,
Ooh, very nice, You should move down in front,
Very good,
Ah, Lucy, Do we love Lucy? Do we all love Lucy Lawless?
I met Lucy many, many years ago,
Of course, she wasn't Lucy Lawless then,
She was Lucy Kiwi,,, I don't know,
This statuesque, remarkably clear-skinned girl
comes up and gets her diploma, and I said, "Who is that?"
She was, boy, barely 18, I think, and she was,,,
Guys, Gil's starting to move, MATT: Stall him, Sid,
How? The Elvis story,
Gil, I just wanted to thank you
for letting me hang back here and watch King in action,
I really appreciate it,
No problem, Sid, no problem,
Which, by the way, speaking of King,
did I ever tell you about the time
that Elvis and I nearly died in a private plane crash?
No,
When the scene was over, which got a little steamy,
the director yelled cut,
she looked down at me, and she said,,,
CROWD: Whoa!
"Yes! You are the King!"
Don't stop me if you've heard this story,
July 4th of 1971, yeah, 'cause it was right after
Elvis did his big comeback special,
the one with the black leathers,
Uh-huh Anyway, we're on the plane,
Sonny and Red and me and E,
and all of a sudden, on the way back to Memphis,
the Colonel just brings out this huge bag of mushrooms,
What? I mean, just incredible,
Don't you think people are too hard on the new DC movies?
You know what I really love about the new Supes?
What's that?
Red undies on the inside because, you know,,,
Hey, Sid, I gotta go, Have a good one,
Sick bastard,
Douche nozzle,
Okay, you guys, we lost him, I can't hold him,
The walrus is back in the water,
KEITH: Allison, do whatever you gotta do,
but do it right now,
Copy,
Did you just call me ma'am?
Do I look like a ma'am to you, dickhead?
No, I wasn't trying,,,
Does this ass look like a ma'am to you?
Ma'am, you have to leave, Oh, you just said it again,
I don't have to do anything, What is this, Nazi Germany,
you goose-stepping, leg-day skipping Hitler wannabe?
What? You heard me, Ferrigno,
MATT: Oh, yeah, What?
You get to tell me what to do just 'cause I'm a woman?
You got a dick?
No, no, no, no, you jackboot-wearing
Game of Thrones Mountain wannabe!
First of all, it's Mr, Ferrigno,
And I ain't no Nazi,
And I have never missed a leg day in my life,
Put me down! Are you fucking kidding me?
Chicken leg!
Are you kidding me? Put me down!
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Supercon,
If anyone found a red nylon wallet
during this afternoon's furry pile,
please return it to the Con op's office,
Getting screwed today is me,
Open, you faggot!
KEITH: Imagine that, The door was open the entire time,
MATT: Let's go, ladies, Get him up,
How do you even pick me up with those chicken legs?
What, do you just skip leg day every time?
Shut up,
Actually, you know what, I think we're good,
You can just put me down here, Sounds like a misunderstanding,
See, I thought,,, She is outta here!
Escort this to its car,
I'm sorry, I thought those were white supremacist tattoos,
I haven't been to prison,
I watch too much Lockup, What do you want from me?
I have a badge, It's inside,
I have to pee, Can I go pee?
I'm on my period, Can I,,, No?
You guys wanna wrestle for this?
You wanna tussle?
Who wants to get their ass kicked by a girl? Come on,
Escort this!
I hope you guys are having better luck than me,
Why I had to improvise,
Just hurry the fuck up,
What superhero could wear fucking heels?
That's a big door,
Guys, we got a problem,
There's a heavy-duty, fire-rated big-ass locked door,
Where the fuck is the money?
What's wrong? I don't think I can,,,
MATT: You in?
Come on, we're working here!
Are you in?
Convenient,
I'm in,
Bringo, Found it, Bag!
Bag, bag, bag, bag,
Come on, come on,
Bag, bag, bag,
Take it, take it, take it,
Shit, tell me there's more,
What the fuck?
Yeah, fucker, yeah!
Yeah, you motherfuckers thought y'all was gonna come in here
and get my money, didn't you?
Put it down, I will fucking shoot,
Take the fucking mask off, What the,,,
Aw, hell no,
MATT: Damn!
Bitch better have my money,
Yeah, I told you I'd be there,
Whoopsies,
No, you didn't,
That's not gonna stop ringing anytime soon, right?
No, and I made sure it was fully charged for today,
Fuck,
Give me a boost,
If I turn something down,
the next guy they go to is Bruce Willis,
and Bruce would say, "Oh, yeah, I'll do it,
"Did King turn it down? I'll do it, I'll do it,"
Right, well, it worked out for him,
It worked out for him fine, you know,
because lightning strikes every now and then,
All right, enough of this, Let's bring the girls out,
It's photo time, huh? Yeah, good,
Yeah!
There we are,
Yeah,
All right, everyone, that's my time,
Guys, we got a problem,
The King's wrapping up his panel,
Guys, this is gonna take a few minutes,
MATT: Do not let him leave, You gotta stall him, man,
The future,,, Is yours,
Sid Newberry, everybody,
What are you doing, old man? Don't worry, Junior,
Just approximating how a real man does it,
This reminds me of a story
in, around, I suppose, the early 1980s,
I was ghostwriting a little television film
in the beautiful city of Detroit, Michigan,
ANNOUNCER: Attention, Supercon,
now signing in Autograph Alley,
William Shatner's brother,
George Takei's aunt,
Leonard Nimoy's sister,
and the great Wil Wheaton,
Ooh,
Shit,
Ugh,
Fake ass piece of fucking gun,
My money,
Ah, my fucking money!
Son of a bitch!
Oh! Fuck!
Where the fuck was you at?
I had to throw somebody out,
Damn! What happened to your face?
Don't worry about that,
Go radio everybody and lock the doors,
No purple Guardian, no yellow, gold Guardian,
no none of that shit!
You said this would be open!
Why isn't it open?
I'm not going to fucking jail,
And I'm not getting arrested in baby blue Spandex, man,
Hey, hey, hey, let's just go out the front doors,
Are you fucking nuts?
Yeah,
Fucking white people,
Jesus, what the hell is that smell?
I'm too old for this shit,
I'm some fucking TV star,
I'm in a fucking pipe over a Comicon convention,
Gotta stop doing so many drugs,
That's what you get for dropping acid at a Bananarama concert,
Oh, wrong ear,
Hi, Dad,
No, I don't know what,,, No, soda,
Soda, That's why it's called a scotch and soda,
I gotta call you back, I'm busy,
I'm in a tube,
I think they come out at night,
ALLISON: Brock, where are you?
BROCK: Guys, I'm stuck, I'm lost,
ALLISON: You can't go back to Gil's office,
Callahan just got back,
Just stay where you are,
We'll come get you,
BROCK: Oh, that smell,
Would you please shut up?
Man's trying to take a shit here!
BROCK: Those tits are huge!
I have no idea where I am,
I'm gonna go, I'm gonna head up,
This cannot be this fucking hard,
No,
Jesus Chri,,,
BROCK: It's like beef and broccoli,
It's like,,, Oh, my God,
All right, I'll give you that one,
That one was bad,
Listen, stop it! Just get me out,
Mister, get me out!
Shouldn't have had that hot dog,
It's like making out with David Lee Roth,
I will come up there, so help me to God!
I'm gonna come up there!
What the fuck is wrong with people?
BROCK: Get me out of here,
Somebody get me out of here,
Ahh!
Oh, my God, kung pao chicken,
Fine!
You win, asshole!
You win,
Oh, my God, it's so gross,
I'ma leave you a little gift,
I'm not wiping, so fuck you,
He's not even wiping!
Guys, you gotta get me out of here,
Asshole,
What the hell was that?
Allison? Allison, get me out of here,
What the hell? Oh, my God,
Gotta get me outta here, Get me outta here!
Brock, whatever's going on with you, you gotta suck it up,,,
MATT: Please tell me you killed those hard drives,
You know what? You think it's so fucking,,,
Bringo,
The drives are dead, KEITH: We're stuck,
Get out, We got a fire alarm that could go off any minute,
ANNOUNCER: Tonight's screening of Chum 3-D
is brought to you by Flotex, Sid!
If you're bleeding, you're leaving,
You're gonna be at the nursing home
giving out $20 ass-licks up there with them old ladies,
Yeah! All because you didn't wanna do your fucking job,
Fuckin',,,
Ah! Shit!
Come on, let's go, Let's get the fuck outta here,
You hijacked my panel, Grandpa,
I've killed men for less,
Don't you ever get tired of the hacky macho act?
Don't you turn your back on me, you old hack,
You know, you come to these conventions
what, just about every week,
tell the same old tired stories,
fleece these kids for all their worth,
On a certain level, I think that's totally fine,
You get what you want, and that's great,
and I guess they get what you think they want,
And I understand you are at the top of Convention Mountain,
But I gotta tell you, it's not always gonna be that way,
What you thought the fans wanted wasn't what they wanted,
What they wanted was a connection,
And you never had a connection
with any of the people that you've spent all this time with,
You can't even open your eyes to the enjoyment
that your talent gave to your fans,
So my prediction for you
is unpleasantness in the days to come,
My prediction for you is not much force in your future,
Now, do you think I am fucking lying to you?
Do you think I am fucking with you?
'Cause I'll tell you, I am not fucking with you,
Adam, we need to talk, man,
No, listen, it's all right, I was just busting his balls,
Oh, God!
Damn! What was that all about?
It's okay, What,,, What's the issue?
Son of a bitch!
What'd they look like? Fuckin' Future Gold,
One of 'em's gold, one of 'em's purple,
I know what the Future Fucks look like,
Grab the intern, get my money, Copy that,
I didn't spend a whole weekend shaking hands
and signing shit for these assholes for free,
I'll take it out of your hide, Out of my,,,
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: We regret to inform you
that Supercon is officially over,
We are closing the doors,
Who the fuck gave them authority to do that?
Shut up, shut up,
Somebody on your team has their head out of their ass,
That means there's only one way out for these pricks now,
Close all the doors, No exceptions! None!
Come on, No exceptions,
Get outta my way!
VIP coming through! GIRL: Hey!
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: We regret to inform you
that Supercon is officially over,
We are closing the doors,
Please make your way to the main exit
at the front of the convention center,
My turn, asshole!
Nut check,
Go, go, go! I got this,
Fuck that, I'm not leaving without you,
I will find you, Go, go,
No, I'll never be the same without you,
My God,
Who's there?
Help me! Somebody there? Somebody give me a towel,
A wet wipe?
Maybe a napkin?
Somebody
Oh, my God,
It's in my mouth,
Oh, my God, who's there?
Help me!
When I say "scat," I mean get away,
Who's there
Oh, my God,
I want my mother,
SID: Allison, don't worry about Brock, I got him,
Gather our stuff and let's get the hell outta Dodge,
Thanks, Sid, you're the best,
Hey, you,,,
Okay,
Hey, I got a question, Where'd you get that suit?
My son loves this show, He thinks it's awesome,
You see Adam King? That guy was dynamite,
LARPing, right? We were just talking about this,
It's incredible, Just smile,
Last picture this guy will ever have with a full set of teeth,
All right, hold on, tough guy, We'll get to you in a minute,
All right, okay, all right,
Uh, you know where the hentai room is?
The wife, she's into all that,
Oh, sorry for interrupting, I'm sorry,
Get back to your stupid,,, Let's go,
You are not gonna believe
how shitty the camera on my phone is,
'cause this was totally so blurry,
One more, one more,
All right, get in there,
Hentai!
Fantastic,
Hey, what do you got that big sword for, big guy?
Pick on this little guy?
You're gonna kick his ass anyway, Who cares?
Just drop the sword,
Come on!
Nice, Thank you,
He is gonna kill you, Let's go,
Thank you very much, gentlemen,
Come with me if you want to live,
Nice,
Go, go, go!
I got a bad feeling about this,
Yeah!
King! Love the weave!
Like this?
Oh, shit!
Keith! Keith!
I'm okay,
You're an idiot,
Hey! Watch where you're going, assholes!
Yeah, he can't drive, man,
Boys, don't forget your backpacks,
Thanks, Ms, Lily,
Holy shit, you're Adam King, Can I get your autograph?
Where are those sons of bitches?
There, There they are, Come on,
GIL: They're getting away!
Not before I kill 'em, Bitches, move,
Get in there, I can't drive no car,
Shut up! Get in there! The fuck is this, man?
I can't even drive a stick,
Go!
Come on! Hey, what the fuck you doin'?
Hey! Come on, Gil,
You gonna kill us, Drive, you son of a,,,
You see what he did to my hair?
Your hair was already fucked up,
They put their hands on me,
Go! What's the matter with you? You crazy?
There they are,
I got 'em, I got their ass,
Come on, man, accelerate!
What the,,, Hey!
Yeah, right here,
Help! Yeah!
Help!
Okay, okay, okay, slow down,
It not working, It not working!
What the fuck?
Oh! Get me outta this shit!
You call the police,
No! I'm getting the fuck outta here!
Smartphone?
TMZ would pay a fortune, no?
ADAM: I'm gonna kill these guys!
Gimme that shit,
Where's the fucking money at, man?
GIL: Where's the shit? ADAM: Where's my money?
Where the fuck is the money? I don't know,
Just play it cool, Keith,
Hey, hey, shit! Where's my money?
What money?
My money, you,,,
Went all weekend collecting this stuff, man,
Why were you guys running then, huh?
'Cause you two fucks fired us,
Adam, Just shut the fuck up, Gil,
Look, I know you two stole my money,
You think I'd come here on the weekends
and sign stuff for these sweaty bastards because I want to?
Because I crave their attention? Because I want their approval?
No, I'm Adam Fucking King,
That shit is Sid's job with his little fucking bow tie
and his suspenders and his shitty toupee,
I'm Adam King! Where's my fucking money?
You think there's room in these outfits
for your greedy money, you shithead?
Well, let's find out, Hey, whoa!
Here, Mr, King, here, That should cover them,
What is this?
It's for a photo op with you,
I'm sure these guys meant to pay you,
but that's all I have left,
Your prices were a little outrageous this year,
if I do say so myself, Are you kidding me?
I'm talking hundreds of thousands of dollars they stole,
Hundreds of thousands,
I don't have it, man,
Make sure you all get my good side,
God knows you morons don't have one,
Let's get the fuck outta here, Look at yourselves!
Painted faces, rhinestones everywhere,
Stupid costumes! God!
I got it all, and that's the way it's gonna stay,
I see any of this on the Internet, I'll sue you all!
I'm Adam Fucking King!
Future Force!
Shazam,
Yeah, Hey,
Oh, wow, a Future Force helmet,
This is for me?
The future is yours,
Cool,
Hey, aren't you the ball cancer kid?
Yeah, Yeah, I am,
Nice,
Oh, so sweaty inside,
Ugh! And it stinks!
Ugh! Like ball cancer,
Don't even ask, The money's gone,
Oh, my God, Brock,
Not another word, Matt, Not another word,
You guys didn't think you'd get away that easy, did you?
MATT: No way,
Ms, Lily?
I gotta hand it to you guys,
You sure made this Fourth of July fun,
even if I did have to dig Brock out of the bathroom,
That was you?
Don't worry, That's all yours,
I already took my share, What?
Well, I put a little extra in there for Keith,
If I hadn't drawn that big cock on King's car,
Gil probably wouldn't have fired you,
I felt just a tad bit responsible,
Yeah, but how did you,,,
Duh,
You mean J,K, Rowling?
Thanks, Dumbledore,
We regret to inform you that Supercon is officially over,
Help me! Thank you, Ms, Lily,
I did that Dragoncon job
because who's gonna put Ms, Lily,
loved, adored, respected, children's show host
behind bars?
Besides, it's a hell of a rush being more bad than good,
Right now we gotta get outta here,
And, sweetie,,,
My couch pulls out, but you don't have to,
MATT: Oh, snap,
Well done, lady,
You guys did amazing,
Yeah, her too,
Oh, oh, my God,
Not one word,
I was number four!
Number four sexiest man in the world, 1982,
You know what? Fuck the fans,
I'm done with all you fucking hairless fanboys,
I think you got it backwards,
We're done with you!
Oh, the mouth-breather speaks, What'd you say?
Yeah, fuck you, Adam King!
Yeah, you supposed to be treating the fans
with love and loyalty,
and you treat the fans like that?
Fuck you! Supercon don't want your ass either!
Supercon's done with your old KFC-looking ass,
You would never try to screw anyone
out of their hard-earned money,
would you, Gil?
Douche nozzle!
Little motherfucker,
Are you all getting good shots for free?
This should cost you,
Geez, you all are pathetic, Look at you,
What are you laughing about?
What, you think this is funny?
What is the matter with you people?
Liberace, you know him?
He hit on me four times,
What has happened to this country?
You wanna be me,
All you women wanna be with me,
You see, I have something you all don't have,
You know what it is? Power!
I'm the power of a celebrity, and you,,,
Rule number one,,, Don't fuck with the fans,
Told you that car was a piece of shit,
Don't mess with me!
Don't mess with the King,
Hey, NerdGasm! Rob, Sean,
We just got back from Supercon, and holy shit,
Adam King lost his mind!
Social retards,
You're 180 degrees of pathetic copycats,
While you all are beating off in your grandparents' garage,
I'm gonna be banging a supermodel,
What do you think of that, huh?
Sean can't even get his fucking helmet off,
My whole world is blowing, It's going like this,
What do you know? J,J, Abrams?
He sent me the script for Lost, right?
What a stupid name, Then I fired his ass,
We don't know what's happening, Like shit is crazy,
We got fucking kids stealing shit,
Everybody, steal some shit, He doesn't have cameras here,
Come down to Lickety Split and steal some shit,
You know Joss Whedon?
Joss? SEAN: Yeah, we know Joss,
I'm the guy that told him to drop the H,
so he would stand out,
Joss Whedon owes me his entire career,
ROBERT: That was actually a pretty good suggestion,
Yeah, it was, wasn't it?
What are you, the sweatiest man in the world?
What's up, YouTube?
Adam King at the end of Supercon,
He makes Mel Gibson look like a freaking pre-school teacher,
Carrie Fisher and I got to second base,
I was drunk, You know who she is, don't you?
Duh!
Adam King is fucked,
He just stepped into a big vat of shit,
Supercon is done,
The future is fucked, Forced,
You think that David O, Russell shit was something?
Wait till you see this,
We are going to sell this shit to TMZ,
and we're going to be rich!
I cannot wait for it,
Warren Beatty is my wingman,
Hasselhoff's a pussy,
I got it all, and that's the way it's gonna stay,
Fuck the fans,
** Passion hides
** In painted smiles
** Tropical liaisons
** Wet and wild
** Mingle and chime
** The latter climb
** For glamour and for glow
** The jet set meets the maritime
Hey, watch it!
You're Lizzie Fisher?
I love your movies so much,
Can I have your autograph?
Princesses don't work for free, kid,
Let's go,
** And your will is dying **
Let's go get you drunk,
I knew there was a reason I liked you,
Twat,
MS, LILY: Supercon is officially over,