Wexler Literary Agency,
Bernie, is Bernie there?
Why am I firing Lucien?
That kid is spying on me,
He's been delivering your groceries,
Just finds this after Carmelita died,
Why am I firing him now?
Lucien, he's spying on me,
Listen, I need the first two chapters,
I told you, all my characters are dead,,,
,,,I can't get past the first page,
Look, my God, Charlie, hiding in that house,,,
,,,is tipping you towards a psychotic spiral, all right?
I need you to pull yourself out of it,
I will fire Lucien, Just get me pages, you understand?
They're all dead,
Keep the drama for the page, please,
You like to research, yes?
So, figure out something to research and,,,
,,,go research it, Just get away from the house,
- F,,k, - Man, I got to go,
I have lunch with the iron maiden,
Oh, God!
Charlie is in that crazy, creative phase,,,
,,,like he is moving into that wild place,,,
,,,that you and I love so much,
We cannot mess with his creative,,, his process,
Charlie's amazing process has cashed a check for 1,2 million,,,
,,,dollars and hasn't delivered one single page in 18 months,
Look, genius takes time,
And you and I both know this book is gonna be a blockbuster,
Liz, you are doing great, I mean,,,
,,,you are the new Editor-in-Chief of Rush and Howell,
And the question is why, because we, you and I,,,
,,,discovered Charlie,
I am the Editor-in-Chief of Rush and Howell,,,
,,,because of the numerous, note that word, "numerous",,,
,,,acclaimed authors I have shepherded over my career,
There's only one, one-trick pony that is sitting,,,
,,,at this table and that is you,
You have lived off being Charlie's high school buddy for decades,
Unless there are some other stars the Wexler Literary Agency,,,
,,,has discovered that I'm not aware of,
We are,,,
Mr, Wexler, your card's been declined,
Yeah, this happens every time I go to Europe,
Oh, does it? No, nope, I am not gonna pay for this lunch,
You have two weeks,
If I don't get that first chapter, I'm coming after you,
And I'm gonna come after Charlie,
There's a Dawn Walsh here and Charlie won't stop calling,
- Hey, Bernie, - Hi,
You told me to come by to talk about my writing,
Oh, s,,t, that's right, I did, I'm sorry,
It was just so crazy, One of my writer is,,,
Look, I've been looking, one of my writers, Charles Elliston,,,
,,,is looking for a new assistant and I've been interviewing,,,
,,,all these students from Harvard and be,,,
,,,you,,, actually,,,
,,,maybe it's something that you'd be interested in,
Me? Yeah, what will, will I be doing?
Well, I mean, you will be doing basic sort of assistant stuff,,,
,,,and making coffee and cleaning up,,,
,,,after him a little, Doing his errands,,,
,,,but, you know, he's not easy,
He's,,, he's tough,
So? I'm tough,
Yes, And beautiful,
And amazing, and what happened,,,
,,,between us was crazy,
Bernie, your wife's on line one,
You're married, you're,,,
Tell her I'll call her back, please,
You're a f,,g a,,e,
- No, no, no, no, - What?
Did you think I was just some stupid,,,
,,,girl that you could just lie to?
No, no, I think you are a cool girl and I think that I can help you,
- We'll be an amazing team together, - That is such a crock of s,,t,
- Charlie won't stop calling, - What?
- You got to talk to Charlie, - Hold on a sec, Give me,,,
He's on line one and he won't stop calling,
- Just give me one second, - Yeah, just talk to Charlie,
Just give me, hold on a sec, What?
Could you come out and visit? That would be really, really nice,
Look, put in Groundhogs' Split,
No, I,,, that is for characterization,
This is much bigger,
Okay, Fine, Then, go to the dead,
Go to Nassau Coliseum 1990,
Oh, to,,, what is the last resort? Jesus, right,
I'm sorry, Just one second,
Tell me it's not one of your girlfriends,
Seriously, you have anybody new?
I don't know, Just look, just relax,
- Dude, - Breathe, be brilliant,,,
,,,and keep writing,
Hello?
You do this all the time, don't you?
I,,, no, Look, you wrote a lovely short story about a dog,
F,,k off, You didn't read it,
Okay, Fine, I didn't, but my assistant did and,,,
,,,it's in the Recommend file, right?
Look, if you take this job, you'll be working with one of the best,,,
,,,writers in the entire world, and I can read it, and I can help you,
- No, forget it, - What? Why?
I don't need your f,,g help, all right?
Now, get the f,,k out of my way, piece of s,,t,
Oh, my God,
There's a guy here from the Internal Revenue Service,
So if you wanna keep this s,,y job and what?
Write here after hours, night after night, instead of,,,
,,,taking a job working with Charles Elliston,,,
,,,probably the coolest novelist of our time,
I can't take that job,
Nic, I f,,d up, all right?
I slept with Bernie,
You did?
Well, then, I guess, you're not ready,
Ready for what?
To be a writer, like, a real writer,
What do you mean by that?
I mean, you, you can't just sleep with,,,
,,,every potential reader of your work, Dawn, right?
That's not logistically possible,
Why don't you just go ahead and keep writing anonymous quotes,,,
,,,on that dumbass blackboard and making other people coffee?
You know, you didn't have to pay for this one,
What? Dawn, you're this hermit, secretive type person and,,,
,,,and you finally, like, pull it together and you screw it up?
Like, what? Uh, at the first opportunity,,,
,,,where someone really wants to read your work and help you?
Bernie is married, okay? He's a damn a,,e,
- You're the a,,e, - Wow,
Thank you for the career advice,
God, you know, not everyone can just work hard and,,,
,,,get a scholarship to, to some fancy goddamn college,
Dawn, we've been best friends since you started working here, okay,
I know you've had it rough,
You can't let that stop you from living,
And unless you're actually fragile enough,,,
,,,to give up right now or to just,,,
,,,keep f,,g give up, literally speaking,
Right,
I'll let you,,, let you lock up,
Dude,
Hi, it's Nic, you know what to do,
Hey, I'm sorry about the fight,
I did take that gig after all,
You can't beat a room, board, and 600 bucks a week,,,
,,,so I'm on my way to Charles Elliston's house,
It'll be my Room of One's Own as the badass Virginia would say,
And, I'm gonna write something,
Who knows?
Maybe I'll even dedicate it to you,
Oh, s,,t,
It's over, The Red Socks have lost,,,
,,,the 1975 World Series to Cincinnati,
Oh, my God,
Yes,
- Hey, Freeze, m,,r, - Jesus Christ,
I'm Dawn, I'm Dawn, I'm Dawn, Bernie sent me,
- What? Who? - Bernie, your agent,
Is that a remote?
- Is that my bell pull? - Yeah,
You want me to clean around the TV and the computers?
I'm at dinner with friends right now,
You didn't tell him I was coming, I could have been killed,
- He's harmless, - Hey,
- Please hold, Yes? - Get rid of her,
Get her out of my house right now,
She said you held here at gunpoint?
She did?
Yeah, with like, a remote control?
Look, I'm writing, Make her go away,
- Hold on a sec, Yeah? - He's watching me,
- Just give it a week, okay? - I don't know,
Hold on a second, Are you watching her?
She's spying on me, Lose her right now,
What's all this food?
- Look, - What?
I can't keep doing this, okay? Just do me a favor,,,
,,,put up with Dawn, and give me the first two chapters,
- Do not call me back, - What?
And you, I will put you back on a bus and send you,,,
,,,wherever the hell it is you came from,,,
,,,unless you can calm down and handle,,,
Hey, don't you threaten me,
I will f,,g kill you, You understand?
Okay, okay, okay, Look, just handle it and I will,,,
I will double your first week pay,
We have no food in this house,
You know what? I can handle dust and grime,
He is beyond eccentric,
Okay, But Dawn, he's a genius, okay?
What did you expect? If I can deal with him, you can deal with him,
Charlie, S,,t, S,,t, I'm sorry,
Get away,,, get away from me, I'm fine, Get away from me,
Okay, Okay, Jesus, I was,,,
I hope you're okay, And you're welcome for cleaning the kitchen,
Leave me alone,
I'm gonna be in the pool house, F,,g spoiled brat,
I heard that, I heard that,
Yeah, well, you are, I spent hours cleaning that kitchen,,,
,,,and what kind of a person dumps his entire,,,
,,,can of coffee on a perfectly clean floor?
I can if I want to,
Oh, yeah, Yeah, you can, Good for you,
- What do you want, medal of honor? - Don't be sarcastic with me,
Did you want me to be polite?
You're the debutant? Why can't you be polite?
I can't be polite,
Hello, It's the Wexler residence,
Dad, it's the supreme narcissist,
Just because your mother calls him that, does not mean that you can,
Now, please tell Uncle Charlie that I am not home,
Dad says he's not home and I'm not supposed,,,
,,,to call you the supreme narcissist,,,
,,,even though mom does, So, goodbye,
Hey, guys, Val and I just finished our meeting,
You figured out a way to make money off of vegan crap yet?
Actually, yeah,
Seth, would you like to try the new macaroons I just whipped up?
Yeah,
No boy should get excited about vegan cookies,
He's still your son,
What's up?
Val and I got the Houseman wedding,,,
,,,so we're gonna make 50,000 in profit,
- You guys are gonna make a profit? - And we'll be able to pay you back,
Nicely done, Nice,
Yeah, But, also we wanna expand,
What does that mean?
It means I signed a lease for a rental space,,,
,,,but it's only $40,000, and we are getting so many orders,,,
,,,for Val's desserts, we just,,, we wanna sell them direct,
Well, I mean, we'll just,,, we'll have to, you know, look,,,
,,,I'll, I'll, I'll get a loan and I guess we'll just figure it out,
Thanks,
I read his first book, and, yeah, it was cool,
But look at the title of this chapter, "River of Tears,"
You know, where I come from, I would be smacked,,,
,,,upside the head and told to suck it up,
Self-indulgent b,,t,
If you read the whole thing, it makes sense,
It's kind of cool, actually,
Okay, Then I will get these two,,,
,,,but I'm gonna pay for them separately,
Coffee?
Don't ask for a latte because this godforsaken,,,
,,,thing hasn't worked since the day we got it,
Black, please, Hey, I don't mean to butt in, but,,,
,,,do you want me to take a look at that machine?
I used to work at a coffee shop,
- I would love that, - Is it cool if I open it up?
Sure,
Yeah, Your pump's cracked,
You have to order a new one, but they're not that expensive,
I'm not into Henry James,
Talk about passive-aggressive, it's tragic,
I read that book last year, She's an idiot,
- Word, - Hey, what's up?
She's taking care of Charlie,
Which is on the DL, considering he's a recluse, so,,,
Well, we've known the family since he was a baby,
My older sister Carmelita used to take care of Charlie,
- She loved him like a son, - He used to be in love with my mom,
- Really? - No,
He would come in,
He's married to his writing, I think,
Jesus, Oh,
- Oh, hey, - S,,t, What in the,,,
- Are you okay? - Do I look okay?
You put in dish soap instead of detergent,
- Is there a difference? - Yes, there's a difference,
Now you want me to clean this up?
I'll, I'll, uh, get towels,
What a disaster,
I think we got it all, It's good,
So, how old were you when you got your first book published?
I was 33,
Wow, That must have been hard,
Although, you are a trust fund baby and you have your clean,,,
,,,well-lit place, Do you ever get lonely?
Not really,
How'd you start writing?
I don't remember, I just,,, I, I don't remember not writing,
Are you a writer?
No, I was just,,, I was just curious,
Oh, You're just curious?
Yeah, I was just curious,
I enjoy reading novels and appreciate writers, so whatever,
Most writers write about their childhood,,,
,,,which is a cliche travesty in my opinion,
I write about,,,
,,,what embarrasses me, what makes me nervous,,,
,,,what enrages me beyond the pale,
Right,
One rule of thumb, always write for yourself first,,,
,,,worry about the world later,
Oh, hi,
Just, watching the stars,
What are you doing?
I'm just gonna go for a dip in the pool,
Oh, you can't,
Why not? Is there like a dead mouse or something?
It's my mother's pool,
I thought that your mother was, um,,,
She's,,, yeah, she's dead,
Okay, So what? Is she buried in the pool?
Of course not, Please,,, hey, hey, no, no, no, No, no,
Hey, Please just, go away, go away,
Please, Go, Go, go, go, go, go,
Just,,, hey, I said no, okay?
Please, Just get away from the pool, Go away, Go away,
Okay,
Hello? Dawn? Dawn,
I wanna get two walkie-talkies and they,,,
,,,won't let me do it on this stupid card,
We could just text like normal people,
I prefer walkie-talkies,
Okay, I'll look into that for you,
Is that necessary?
Oh, sorry,
May I come up?
Um, yeah,
Where do you keep your credit card statements?
Those look like,,,
Any particular reason why you keep this stuff?
Okay, Just because I get sick of playing a game doesn't mean,,,
,,,that I may not play it eventually, so please,,,
This game sucked when I was 12,
It's like an old friend, You spend a lot of time with it,
You develop a sentimental connection,,,
,,,and you just do not get rid of it,
Okay, You can,,, all right, definitely,,,
,,,probably that one, but,,,
This one's broken,
It is?
Okay, So how about we make a deal?
Anything that's broken or stupid, I get to throw out?
Well, okay, but not the books, okay?
Don't, don't,,, no, no books,
Do you think I'm f,,g stupid?
That's impressive,
Oh, the books? Yeah, They're,
They're research for,,,
,,,well, this section is research for the guitar book and,,,
,,,that section is research for the, the baseball book,
Karmic payback, I got kicked out of,,,
,,,high school and now all I do is, is research,
Huh, Charles Elliston of the Boston Tea Party,,,
,,,Ellistons got kicked out of high school,
Followed the dead for a year, and made,,,
,,,grilled cheese sandwiches at the shows,
Oh, I bet your parents were proud,
What time, are you making dinner?
What time would you like me to make dinner?
7:30?
7:30,
Charlie's been through a lot,
That father of his is a difficult man and,,,
,,,the mother, serious emotional problems,
Yeah, Well, he needs to get over it,
Your package from Aunt Helena came,
Dawn, do you mind if I run to the post office?
I'll hold down the fort,
Go ahead, I'll meet you outside,
You shouldn't expect so much of a man like Charlie,
- It's that family, - What about them?
The mother was rough on Charlie to be,,,
,,,sure he was the perfect little boy,
Okay, Everybody has it rough in one way or another,
Their little boys can't be perfect,
They're little boys, and one summer,,,
,,,she decided the best way to teach them his,,,
,,,manners was dunking his head in the pool,,,
,,,again and again, until he promised to be perfect,
She used the pool, That is so f,,d up,
Yeah, My sister Carmalita had to stop it once,
Look, I get it, okay? I mean,,,
,,,kids, they go through terrible s,,t and,,,
,,,and they still have to wake up every morning,
- Dawn,,, - I'm just saying,
Everybody has s,,t that's just as bad as that,,,
,,,and they can't afford,,,
,,,you know, these big mansions where,,,
,,,they can just hide away and,,,
,,,and feel bad for themselves for the rest of their lives,
Okay,
Hey, I set you a place in the dining room,
- I'd rather sit in the kitchen, - Okay,
Well, are you gonna eat?
If you want me to,
Yeah, I mean,,,
My mom, she just,,, she used to work for a family like yours,,,
,,,and we didn't,,, we didn't eat with them, so,,,
Well, when I was a kid, I wasn't,,,
,,,I wasn't allowed in the dining room,
Really?
Before I could eat with my parents,,,
,,,I had to learn to participate in dining room,,,
,,,conversation which is impossible at 5,,,
,,,not easy at 7, and excruciating by 12,
I'm, I'm nervous just walking by the dining room,
Well, I've never heard anything like that,
No wonder why you hate talking to people,
So, who are your favorite writers?
Borges, DiLello,
I have a soft spot for Richard Powers,
Do you know them?
No,
David Foster Wallace is a master,
- Not quite Pynchon, but,,, - Yeah, I, I,,, I know Wallace,
Pynchon, I've, I've never heard of that guy,
I've got a lot of books upstairs,
You can borrow them anytime,
Who's your favorite writer?
I read a lot of Faulkner,
He is unrelenting, It's harsh,
Oh, he's so much more than that, He's,,,
,,,when I,,, when I read Faulkner, I think of dirt,
It can be hard, but then it can also,,,
,,,if you dig deep enough, it can,,, it can be soft,,,
,,,and it, it breaks apart in your hands,,,
,,,and it, it gets into every little tiny crack and crevice, I,,,
Charlie?
I'm writing,
- Bernie, - What,,, Dawn?
Listen, Charlie's card is almost $12,000 overdue,
What, what, what are you doing going through,,,
,,,his statement? He's got plenty of cards,
No, No, that's not the point, the point,,,
,,,is what are you gonna do about his bill?
That's above your pay grade, just stay out of it,
No, Don't hang up,
Is this something you're writing?
No, What?
- Charlie, can you just please,,, - I can do whatever I want,
You're just gonna make fun of me, Charlie,,,
You are a writer, I see you out there,
I just wanna see what you're up to over here,
Please just,,, Give it back, Charlie!
- Give it back! - Jesus,,,
- Give it,,, - Jesus Christ,
Back off, You're such an a,,e, I hate you,
And you're a coward,
I'm not a coward,
Can you help me up?
No,
Geez,
Just give me the damn password and I'll see,
He's weird, "itsagratefuldead,"
What could that possibly mean?
Well, looks like Charlie's got a lot of accounts,,,
,,,with, like, not very much money in them,
Wait, It looks like all his accounts are linked to this,,,
,,,one that's a trust account shared with Wexler Literary,
What? Bernie?
Money from the trust account just keeps,,,
,,,getting transferred out to an account at,,,
,,,Boston Commonwealth Bank, yeah,
It's, it's under Bernie's name,,,
,,,so Bernie's using Charlie's income like his own private stash,
The last transfer was $40,000,
Wait, Does Charlie never look at this s,,t?
No, Of course he doesn't,
Rich people are so weird,
Well, it doesn't look like he's rich anymore,
Nic, I don't know what to do,
Yes, you do,
God, Why did I f,,k Bernie?
I mean, there's the whole feminist contractor on resources,,,
,,,control their men and women are, unfortunately, just,,,
Yeah, I know, I know, You've told me,
D, We all do f,,d-up s,,t,
Oh, my god,
The Boston Globe covering the wedding,,,
,,,it is perfect for our launch,
I mean, best press we could've hoped for,
Oh, we're gonna dazzle them with the cake-crystal line orchids,,,
,,,I figured out how to make them out of agave syrup,
You go girl,
- Mrs, Wexler? - Yes,
There's no possibility of an equity loan on your house,
Your husband's taken out three loans already,
- Three loans? - In fact, the mortgage is,,,
,,,four months past due,
Four, four months?
Mia, are you okay?
Are you having a heart attack?
- Emergency, Medic, ambulance, - Panic attack, Panic attack,
A panic,,, okay,
Keep calm, breathe, Breathe,
Set the coffeemaker now and wait for my 3:30 run,
- Done half an hour ago, - Okay,
- Hey! - Okay, Okay,
Mia?
Mrs, Houseman, you look beautiful,
I count four tea roses here, I bought and paid for five,
Actually, we agreed on four tea roses to, cut costs,
It's right here in your contract,
Oh, right, I remember, I have to talk to you,,,
Bernie, please meet Mrs, Adolph Houseman,
Her daughter is about to get married, Pleased to meet you,
- I really don't give a rat's ass, - Bernie, what the hell?
I need to talk to you,
What happened with Mrs, Houseman?
- I need to talk to you, - Not now,
- You called a divorce lawyer? - We are broke, you didn't tell me,
It's a,,, it's a cash flow issue, that's all,
No, it's not, Bernie, it's that soul-sucking vampire,,,
,,,of a narcissist Charlie and you keep choosing him,
That's not true, Look, we, we are going to be fine,
You risked our financial security on a crazy person,,,
,,,and you hid it from me because you knew,,,
,,,that I would make you choose him or me,
I mean, the mortgage? You knew I'd go ballistic,
Please don't do this, okay? You know that I love you,
All right? Just,,, I just need time,
Partial custody, That's what you get,
M,,r!
S,,t!
- Charlie? - I'm busy,
Hi, hi, How's the writing going?
Has anybody, uh, resurrected themselves yet?
Well, uh, let me repeat myself,
It's about a post-apocalyptic world,,,
,,,everybody's dead,
Right, Listen, so I looked into that,,,
,,,that credit card issue that you were having,
Oh, that's, uh, yeah, Forget it about, it's fine,
No, no, it's not fine, There, there is actually,,,
- Dawn, your writing, - What?
Your writing sucks,
If you wanna be a writer,,,
,,,you have to interpret the world around you,,,
,,,not merely regurgitate your tawdry life experience,
My tawdry life experience?
You f,,d Bernie,,,
,,,and then you compound your mistake by,,,
,,,romanticizing it in this like,,,
,,,hackneyed pitiful Hallmark card of a story,
Like you don't romanticize yourself with,,,
,,,your books that are filled with f,,g idiots who,,,
,,,who feel sorry for themselves or guitar-playing losers?
Oh, wait, but that's right, there are millions,,,
,,,of losers that could commiserate with your s,,t,
Well, I'm, I'm just curious, how, how many,,,
,,,non-talent women who f,,k married men,,,
,,,and have time to read do you think are out there?
F,,k you,
What the f,,k do you know about women?
When was the last time you even had a conversation with one?
Let alone, walked down your own goddamn driveway?
I know you,
You know you don't have what it takes to be,,,
,,,a writer so you f,,d Bernie,,,
,,,thinking that it's some sort of, like, legitimate pathway,,,
,,,of getting yourself published,
Let me just tell you something, no matter,,,
,,,how good a piece of ass you are,,,
,,,it doesn't make bad writing readable,
- What are you doing? - What does it look like?
Isn't this why you're mad? Huh?
He's seen my ass and you haven't?
Well, feast your eyes, d,,d, because I'm going swimming,
- Wait! That's not allowed - I'm going in that goddamn pool,
I said no! Don't,,, hey! Don't you dare!
Hey, don't come any closer,
Stop! Dawn,,,
,,,would you act like you're reasonable for a minute?
Please? Hey! Dawn,,,
I,,, get back here right now!
Come on, Charlie, cannonball or swan dive?
- I said I forbid you! - I can't hear you,
I am just a no-talent piece of ass who's hard of hearing,
Does the word forbidden mean nothing to you?
Do you just,,, you just think you can come here,,,
,,,and s,,t on anything and everything you want because,,,
,,,'cause you're angry?
Look, did I ask you to come here, did I?
Hey, I swear to God, you crazy f,,k,,,
,,,if you come near me, I jump in,
I'm, I'm going in the house,
I'm turning my back,
No,
You were supposed to take care of me,
You're supposed to take care of me,
No, Why do you have to go and hurt me?
I'm sorry, I was just joking, Charlie,
Get away from me, I can't do this,
No one is hurt, Charlie, I'm sorry, I,,,
I can't do this, Just,,,
- I can't do this, - Everything is fine, I'm,,,
- Get out of here, - Okay, Okay, f,,k,
I'll be out of here in an hour or so,
I don't want you to go, Dawn,
I'm, I'm sorry I got angry and,,,
,,,I, I lost it,
And I'm so, so sorry,
Yeah, Well, I'm sorry too, I mean,,,
I don't really know what to think,
I mean, is this what polite people do? Do they,,,
,,,do they just say they're sorry and go of tears?
I don't know what other people do,
I think we've established that fact,
- I can only speak for myself, - Okay,
Well, I'm not,,, I'm not proud of my behavior and what I said,
And I lied, which is,,, it's unforgivable,
Well, I showed you my ass, so I'm sorry for that,
- Oh, that,,, that's okay, - It's not,
Well, do you think we could put it behind us, and, you know,,,
,,,I want to go over your stuff if,,,
,,,we haven't really done that, so,,,
Okay,
So,,,
,,,let me just start by saying,,,
,,,you've got a long way to go,
This is a very strong story,,,
,,,in terms of setting the scene, the,,,
,,,the catalogue of debris, and the Mary McRiver, the,,,
,,,shopping cart, broken slabs of Styrofoam,,,
,,,oil slick, it's gruesome,
But what you aren't doing is revealing the,,,
,,,whole range of emotions,,,
,,,of the main character, her whole soul,
You've got opinion and action, but no inner life,,,
,,,but the passage at the end, where she's alone in her bed,,,
,,,there you've captured that private,,,
,,,emotional I'm talking about,
Her shame, it's visceral,,,
,,,in the halting rhythm of the sentences,,,
,,,the stark choice of words, it's,,,
,,,it's,,,
,,,well, it's breathtaking,
The ending just sort of came out that way,
What? What did you say?
The ending, it just,,, it just sort of came out that way,
Oh, well, if you wanna be a writer, you've got to,,,
,,,find your way deeper into those channels, okay?
I, I don't know how to do that, I mean,,,
I mean, no one's ever taught me,
Well, no one ever taught Kerouac or Twain or Angelou,
You know what you're doing,,,
,,,you've got talent, ridiculous amount,
You just got a lot of scathing opinions,,,
,,,cluttering up the good stuff, the raw stuff,
So how do I tell the difference between the,,,
,,,things that I care about which is basically,,,
,,,everything that I've put into this, and not what I,,,
I'm not letting you off the hook,
Do you wanna be clever or do you wanna be great?
Charlie,,,
,,,thank you,
Sick,
- Yo, - Oh,
Hi,
I have a surprise for you,
Oh, surprise!
Come on,
No, no way, I can't,
You can, I promise,
Come on,
Slow down! Slow down!
- What? - It's Bernie,
Hi,
It sounds like I'm the gas company calling you,
Look, I got good news,
All right, we're getting now four weeks out of Liz,,,
,,,but she's hired some pretty f,,g,,,
,,,scary lawyers, so how's it going?
It's going good,
Do you wanna, like, bounce any ideas off of me?
Um, not really,
Just tell me where the book's going,
Remember how we flipped the main character in Guitar Book?
Like, maybe we should consider,,,
I don't really wanna talk about it right now,
So, you don't wanna talk about it?
Uh-oh, that means what, that, like, you don't need me?
Oh, you know what? Wait, I need,,,
,,,I need two walkie-talkies,
You know what? You have an assistant, F,,k you,
- Wow, this, this carpet's awesome, - Dust is a little scary,
Look at that, Spacious, it's bright, it's kind of pretty,
Yes, Here, come here,
Um, so I was, um, this table, can we,,,can we get rid of it?
Yeah, And then afterwards,,,
,,,maybe we could do something about the mausoleum,
The mausoleum?
I,,,did I just say that out loud?
Yeah, you said mausoleum, What is that?
It's where the dead people live,
I'm gonna go get the vacuum,
Charlie? Charlie? Charlie?
Bernie, Hey,
You good-looking preppy a,,e, Hi, bud,
How are you?
Oh, it's good to see you,
I didn't know you were gonna be here, Good to see you,
- Yeah, - Dawn?
- Bernie, - Hey,
Before I forget, here's your salary for the week,,,
,,,and a little something extra for the house,
Hey, let's go grab a beer, Come on,
Dawn, you wanna,,,
Just let her keep cleaning, Besides, I, am so very,
Oh, come on, big, go big or go home, kid,
Oh, hey, by the way, did I show you the article that I scored us in,,,
,,,Rolling Stone Magazine that perfectly,,,
,,,sets up the release of the book?
Dawn showed me the link,
They call to Charles Elliston,,,
,,,existential angst, in postmodern paranoia,
Cheers,
Am I really brilliant and relevant?
Most definitely,
Dude, haven't you heard?
Every generation goes through a crisis of,,,
,,,faith and a love affair with nihilism,
I mean, if you don't get Charles Elliston,,,
,,,you just don't get it, man,
I don't get it,
Neither do I,
The mere possibility that you could get some,,,
,,,it gives you like this temporary superpower to,,,
,,,listen to any of the b,,t that comes out of a woman's mouth,
It's like blah, blah, blah, boom, in triumph,,,
,,,you find yourself in her apartment,,,
,,,banging around into the goddamn furniture,
But it's great because you're gonna f,,k her,,,
,,,or her roommate who's crazy and has a cat,,,
,,,and is neurotic, and stutters, but you might f,,k her, too,,,
,,,which is also f,,g great because f,,g is great,
The best sex I've ever had in my entire life, bar none,,,
,,,without a doubt is my wife,
Like married sex, when it is good, it's, it's the best,
Then one day, you catch her looking at you,,,
,,,and she's got this,,,
,,,this like look of disappointment in her,,,
,,,eyes and then she's never the same,
F,,g is a f,,g mystery,
Boys, I'm going to town, I'll be back,
Hey,
Wait, are you hungry? Because I am,
We would like some food, please,
Well, there's a fridge with leftovers,,,
,,,so you can get it yourself,
Just don't forget the Saran Wrap,
Otherwise, you'll choke to death,
Dude, no, why don't you have Dawn do all this?
We're just,,, we're just triaging here, man,,,
- That's the issue with help, - ,,,come on,
Once you have help, like,,,
,,,all that happens is you end up cleaning,,,
,,,more for some weird guilt-based reason,
Help? Okay, Lord of the Realm,
Oh, you're looking at me?
I learned that expression from you, you overprivileged a,,e,
I never had help in my life,
So then, does that simply make you an a,,e?
Oh! Guilty,
- Oh, what's that? - This, this is the deal here,
You use that soap to wash the dishes,,,
,,,it is not for the dishwasher,,,
,,,which is an entirely different situation,
And when you're done, you get to moisturize,
- You get to moisturize? - Go ahead, smell,
- Oh, bro, - Right?
This smell,,, this smells like,,,
,,,this smells like a garden in springtime,
- Oh, come on, man, - It just smells like,,,
No, no, no, It smells like the ocean,
- No, no, no, no, Oh, the ocean? - The ocean, Right?
Oh, that's good, You can smell this,
You know, waves,
Dude, you oughta try some of these doughnuts?
Bernie?
Hey, So,,,
I was just,,, I was just kind of looking just for the first chapter,
Oh, it's not done yet, man, Just wait,
- Okay, but,,, - Just wait,
Yeah, I know, I just,,, I, I just thought,,,
,,,we can set the essence, do our thing,
The book, like, do the thing that we always do,
Shall we watch a baseball game?
No, no, no, no, no, let's,,,
,,,let's not watch an old depressing baseball game from,,,
like, it's,,, oh, 1975, We're, we're just toddlers, man,
We weren't even at that game,
Besides, the Red Sox have won three World Championships,
- It's kind of dynasty, - Not my Red Sox,
Uh, look, I didn't even actually wanna talk about the Red Sox,
Let's talk about, like, the first chapter,
I've been holding the line as long as I can,,,
,,,but we're, we're officially out of time and we have no money,
Well, this book has been the best experience of my life,
It's like a different dimension, so,,,
,,,so the,,, really, the, the best thing that you could do,,,
,,,would be just leave me alone and just let me finish it,
But I need to,,, I mean, I need to read it,,,
,,,and I need to help you,
I mean, we crushed it on Baseball Angels,,,
,,,and we have to crush this book,,,
,,,bro, we need to hit, like, a homerun,
Yeah, see that, you can't help me, This particular book,,,
,,,you just,,, you wouldn't get it,
Well then, party on, Tinkerbelle,
Okay, man,
F,,k,
Oh, you're lucky I didn't see you on the,,,
,,,road because I would've driven over your ass,
You're drunk, you shouldn't be driving,
Oh, any more suggestions, Nurse Machete?
Hey, you don't have to insult me,
Do it, Well, why won't you go be his housekeeper,,,
,,,nanny, assistant, handmaiden/whatever the,,,
,,,f,,k it is that you do, sweetheart? Go,
Where were you? It's almost 5:00,
Three guesses, the one diner, grocery store, and one gas station,
There's no lunch, I can't find you,
You were asleep when I left,
I'm, I'm looking over the rocks here,
Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that you wanted lunch,
I was just having a conversation with someone at the diner,
Well, it's just that I've finished,
Oh, wow, That's, that's, that's amazing, Charlie,
It's called Grace,
And I was wondering if you'd give it a read,
Me?
It's not like anything I've ever done,
It's, uh, sort of a love story, complete departure from my groove,
There's this 2,000-year-old whale,,,
,,,in this post-apocalyptic world and a sylph,
- A sylph? - A thousand-year-old sylph,
A sylph is,,,like,,, it's like a mermaid,,,
,,,but it exists in the sky and back in the day,,,
,,,they gave the secrets of the earth to the mortals,,,
,,,and they've often been mischaracterized,,,
,,,but this sylph speaks the truth,
The truth, which is the purest, finest construct in the universe,
The whale and the sylph feel as though,,,
,,,you know, they, they, they can't possibly,,,
,,,fall in love because their world is beyond repair,,,
,,,but their souls collide, which is to reignite time,,,
,,,collapse in each other so, the whale and the sylph,,,
,,,feel as though they can't ever fall in love,
There's no hope because everything is beyond repair,,,
,,,but their souls collide,
- What is that? - Your manuscript,
Did you like it?
It changed me,
What, so you have a grade school crush on the crazy person?
Well, yeah, but that doesn't matter,
You've clearly gone insane,
No, uh, you, you look very happy,,,
,,,right now and that concerns me greatly,
Seriously though?
I mean, whenever we,,, whenever we spend time together,,,
,,,it's just like we're in this different dimension, It's crazy,
Maybe that's because he's decades older than you,
Stop it,
You really have to read Grace,
I mean, it's just,,, when somebody writes,,,
,,,about you, it's like,,, it's like they're,,,
,,,describing everything that you,,,
,,,know about yourself and then,,,
,,,and then there are these other things,,,
,,,that you hope are you,,,
,,,and I don't know, I, I,,, it's like,,,
,,,it's like half of me was always just,,,
,,,a few steps ahead, and,,,
,,,the other half just never caught up and,,,
I don't know, he, he gave that to me,
Yeah, but,,, I mean, you're you, right? So, like,,,
,,,Charlie helps you see it,,,
,,,and that's amazing, you deserve that, but,,,
,,,it was yours to begin with,
Yeah, I guess so, It just,,,
I don't know, I guess my whole life, people,,,
,,,have always, you know, made me think I was this, this,,,
,,,one thing, this thing that I had to be, and, and,,,
,,,so I was just being that thing,
Yeah, you're the only one who can change that thing, right?
- Yeah, - Look, D, you,,,
,,,God bless you, you can come on a little strong,
Right? And then when one thing gets,,,
,,,like, a little bit wonky, you just,,,
,,,burn the whole f,,g house down,
I just,,,I don't want you to be disappointed,
- No, - I know, I know,
Don't come down on me right now,
Come on, Okay, I have to go,
- All right, - But, um,,,
I was wondering if you could just do me this favor,
Would you take a look at this?
This thing that I wrote, I, I just,,, I want,,,
- ,,,your opinion, - This thing that you wrote?
Yes, this thing that I wrote,
Finally, Yes, But hey, you're gonna get no mercy,
- No mercy, - Bye, D,
Bye,
- Dawn Royce, - Bernie,,,
,,,you're not answering any of my,,,
,,,phone calls so I came by to make sure,,,
- ,,,that you are sure,,, - He doesn't want,,,
,,,me to go around while I'm writing,
,,,you're coming to Charlie's birthday,
I am not going to his damn birthday,
He needs you to go to his birthday, It's tradition, No,
He needs to make money or he's gonna lose his house,
- What? It's that bad? - Yes,
Well,,, well, I read his book,
And it's actually,,, it's actually,,,
- ,,,incredible, - He's finished a book and I,,,
,,,haven't seen it, but he gave it to you?
Yeah, it's bizarre, but it's, like this perfect, perfect metaphor,,,
I don't give a s,,t, I need a copy of the book,
I'll pay you for it,
No, I'm not stealing from him,
It's not stealing, It's our business,
It's our survival,
It's your survival,
How much have you already taken from him?
Are you driving his f,,g Porsche?
The two of you, you've made millions, and where is it?
Where's it gone? Did you just,,,
,,,drain him of every last dime that he has?
You have no idea what you're talking about,
You know, what's gonna kill him?
And I wanna tell him every day what,,,
,,,a d,,k you are, but I can't, because it's gonna break his heart,
I'm not gonna sit here and justify my,,,
,,,relationship with my bestfriend,,,
,,,to some f,,g assistant, Now, please, get off my property,
D,,d,
Happy birthday,
You look nice,
Thanks, So do you,
I was thinking maybe we could eat in here tonight,
You know, just a romantic,,,
- Where's Bernie? - He's not coming,
No, he'll come,
He's not coming, I saw him and he said he's not coming,
Bernie always comes,
He said that, that he wasn't coming, so,,,
But, you know, uh, dinner for two is nice, right?
That was it, That was my high school career,
So, you got kicked out of Andover not because you were,,,
,,,cheating or because you were high but,,,
,,,because you ditched to go to a Red Sox game?
It was opening day, It's significant,
Oh, that's great, They kicked me out and Bernie,,,
,,,didn't talk to my father for two years,
I didn't finish high school,
Why not? Why didn't you?
It was nothing, It was,,,well,,,
,,,it was just this really f,,d up thing, and,,,
,,,I don't know, High school sucked anyway,
Who liked high school?
Kids, all they did, they were just,,, I don't know,
We just got drunk and high and we drove over mailboxes,
Did you run over mailboxes and stuff?
Sometimes, we did,
But it's not like I liked it or wanted to, it just happened,
Then I read To the Lighthouse, and Virginia Woolf, she,,,
,,,she f,,g hates her father just as much as I hate mine,
I mean, it, it was just so much resentment and desperation,,,
,,,and just beauty streaming off the pages, and I just,,,
,,,I just loved it, It was awesome,
I, I thought,,, I thought,,,
,,,I was super weird and so did everybody else, I guess,
Most people think I'm weird, They totally think you're weird,
I forgot, I got you something,
A present,
Okay, So, I was hoping that this would inspire you to new,,,
,,,heights, as they say,
And I also,,, I borrowed your,,,
,,,CD burner but I put it back,
Thank you, Thank you,
So, I guess I'm supposed to listen to new music now?
I think so,
Time for port,
Let's go, Come on,
- Oh, it's okay, - Port,
- Now what? - Okay,
Just put it around here, around this bit, top,
Okay, Clamp it nice, Okay, good, This is what we're gonna do,
Very pretentious tradition,
Okay, that's good, that's good,
Oh, And the old port bottles, the cork gets disintegrated,
Voila,
Now, that, that is some fancy s,,t, Fancy,
Right?
Cheers, I think, Do you do cheers with these things?
Yes,
What's that?
Aw, Look, you're so young,
Oh, Mr, Publicity, hmm?
How did he become an agent?
He stole my first piece of writing,
He gave it to Liz at Russian House, She loved it, she published it,
Oh, he,,, all he wanna do is get laid,,,
,,,and he told her some sob story about his poor friend who,,,
,,,Charlie, all he did was write,
Charlie, there's something I have to tell you,
What?
Just say it, You're going to anyway, You always do,
Bernie, he's steal,,, he's, he's,,,
,,,taking all your money,
I, I don't care about that,
I don't care,,, what why do you have it out for Bernie?
Charlie, he's a crook, which means,,,
,,,it means he's not your friend, That's,,,
Bernie was the only person who didn't laugh,,,
,,,when I said I wanted to be a writer,
He's, he's made it all happen for me,
Charlie, your, your writing is what has made,,,
,,,this whole thing happen for you,
Not, not Bernie,
That's, that's not enough, He, he's relentless, okay?
I could never have done it,
- You told me,,, - Not like him,
,,,write for yourself first, and the rest,,,
,,,of the world, it just,,, it comes later,
- Right? - I'm talking about friendship,,,
,,,and history,
I don't care about the money,
Charlie, Charlie, listen, What, what, what, friendship?
He has been stealing from you,
That's not friendship, Charlie,
So, you get to screw Bernie, and now I can't be friends,,,
Hey, yes, I slept with him, Okay? And, and, and it is a,,,
,,,huge, pathetic mistake that I am,,,
I am trying to recover from,,,
First best opportunity comes along,
Bernie, then me, then someone else, and you just,,,
- No, No, no, no, Charlie,,, - You just hop aboard,
- No, - You're like a little,,,
,,,toad from lily to lily,
No, you don't get to twist this around, Charlie, okay?
Get out,
- What? - Get out,
No, Charlie, you do not get to act like,,,
Get away from me, Get out,
Charlie, Charlie, wait, I was only trying to help,
- Charlie, - Go away, I don't,,,
I don't need you,
What? What are you talking about? What about what you wrote?
What about Grace?
It's, it's, it's not about you, It's, you're just a muse,
It's, it's fiction,
I'm, I'm done with you,
Why don't you go?
You f,,g a,,e,
F,,g b,,d,
Leave me alone,
Charlie, Open the f,,g door, you f,,g p,,y,
Open this goddamn f,,k,
Charlie,
Your mom loves me, and she always will, and I'm always,,,
,,,gonna love her, But we just, you know, we,,,
,,,just can't live together right now, That's all,
I heard her crying last night, You need to get back together,
Well, I'm sorry you heard that,
That's,,, that's terrible, pal,
But sometimes, you know, things break, and you try to fix it,,,
,,,and sometimes, they get fixed, and sometimes, they don't,
I wanna go back to the house now,
What? I want a dad hug,
- No, - No?
Liz, hey, Hi, I was,,, I was just gonna call you,
Charlie is almost finished with the entire book, Great news, right?
Bernie, your time is up, And I've got confirmation,
Not only can I sue you personally,,,
,,,I can go after the copyright on all of Charlie's books,
He's written the most beautiful book of his career,,,
- ,,,we you should be happy, - Good, I own that, too,
- Charlie, Charlie boy, - Tip me over and pour me out,
You really got after it, huh?
I mean, this place is a s,,t show,
Get it out of your system?
Hey, you're gonna sing that song, you got to sing it right,
I'm a little teapot Short and stout Here is my handle Here is my spout
That's not the book, is it?
Tell me you have other you have other copies, right?
No, no, It wasn't really me anyway, man,
And why would you do this?
I mean, honestly, why would you do this to us?
Get me that outline, get me that first draft,,,
,,,I got to sell it, Then, goodbye, Charlie,
Dawn says it's your best work, you've never been better,
Huh, you're just gonna destroy that?
I quit,
I quit writing, Bernie,
You're supposed to be my friend,
How, how have you ever been my friend, huh?
Since the first f,,g day you got,,,
,,,published to being the writer of a generation,
This, right here, has been a one-way street,
It's you needing me,
I do everything for you, Let me ask you a question,,,
,,,you where's the nearest grocery store?
You ever bought groceries?
You ever, you ever pay taxes, you ever pay your mortgage?
What do you do for yourself? Nothing, You know why?
Because I do everything, Me, It's just your name on the goddamn book,
You stole, my money,
I stole money?
You owed people pages for,,,
,,,a year and a half, a year and a half,
Powerful people, and it was my ass in the goddamn hot seat,
My entire family has been bet on you,
Every single dollar that's ever come out of this relationship?
Trust me, m,,r, I have earned,
And the one thing, the one thing that made all this,,,
,,,worth it is that we were a team,
Every single paragraph that you have ever shaped,,,
,,,I helped you orchestrate,
And I'll tell you right now, being that close,,,
,,,to you being brilliant,,,
,,,made it all worthwhile, all of this b,,t,
And now, this girl comes along and all of,,,
,,,a sudden, what? I'm, I'm shut out?
I'm not good enough for you? What? Am I nothing now?
You're dismissed, Bernie,
I'm gonna find that f,,g book,
Hey, Hey, Hey, don't you think,,,
,,,you're going anywhere with that goddamn book,
I don't have it, Ask Charlie,
Well, he's acting like a lunatic,
He claims that he's destroyed every last copy of that manuscript,
He wouldn't do that, not to Grace,
Look, he almost burnt down the whole goddamn house,
Hey, hey, hey, Listen, I'm serious,
I, I have,,, I have to have that book,
- Hey, hey, - I have to have that,,, I,,,
Hey, Hey, F,,k!
- Get the f,,k off of me, a,,e, - No,
No, Stop, God, stop,
Charlie,
- No! - Charlie,
Are you all right? Can you hear me? Are you all right?
Are, are you okay?
Tell me what it was like to grow up next to the Merrimack River,
It sucked,
Just like,,, just like here,
Yeah?
I hit Bernie first,
I,,,
I hit him first,
I have to stop doing that,
It's just,,,
You can,
Oh, God,
- Throw the heat, - I'll be back,
- Hey, - Hey,
Gonna come watch Seth?
I parked the car,
But I just,,,
I can't face you,
It's understandable,
Seth,
We broke his heart,
Your son is batting cleanup and the score is zero to three,
Seth always kicks ass when the pressure is on but,,,
,,,it would be good if you were there,
Come on,
Hey, batter,
Go Seth, Go Seth, Come on,
Let's go, batter, Come on now, Let's make contact,
- Come on, Seth, Let's go, - Batter, batter, batter,,,
,,,batter, batter, batter, Woo, Come on, big guy!
Yeah, Seth!
Oh, my God,
Hey, Charlie, Liz,
How's it going? It's good to hear from you,
Great, I'm, I'm doing great,
Listen, there's something I want you to read,
I am so glad we decided to come in,
This work is different, it's a very challenging,,,
,,,material, but the writing is stunning, It's,,,
,,,visceral, I would call it darkly beautiful,
Thank you, We all agree that it's time for a new,,,
,,,voice in the literary world, So, are you ready?