رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
- I hate school,
And I hate PowerPoint,
And I loathe standing in front of a crowd
which reeks of Clearasil and tacos
with images of my dead father
hovering over me like a wraith,
Dr, Marz thinks I have anger issues,
I get angry every time we discuss it,
This schoolgirl skirt makes me angry,
Oral reports too,
When I have to say things like ,,,
For a brief period in the 1980s,
no one wrote better songs than my father,
And what you didn't know, if you've never heard them,
is that each and every one of them rocked,
Jac does look good on the big screen,
17 years old,
Oh my God!
I would have fucked my father!
I need serious help,
You can turn down the music now, eh?
Questions?
- [Girl] Whatever happened to Jac Whyte?
- He died,
Overdose,
And onstage electrocution,
His remains are frozen cryogenically,
- [Girl] That's Walt Disney you're thinking of,
- [Echo] Walt Disney didn't rock!
(school bell ringing)
- Not much of an oral report,
More of a eulogy,
- Amen,
- Either way, wondering what you're doing
Saturday night, because--
- Jared, stop!
SAT-stop-sign, stop!
Just because my father was some
lived-hard-died-young rock star does not make me
the plucky yet sardonic heroine of a Nick Hornby novel,
- [Jared] Of course not!
- And just because you ran A/V for my presentation
does not mean you get a gander down my shirt,
any more than you did in third period chemistry,
- That's the only reason I took chemistry,
- That's the only reason
anyone takes chemistry,
(soft piano music)
[Marie - Claire voiceover] I envy them their perfect skin,
their perfect teeth and tits,
Their manicured, soapy cunts,
No caesarean scar,
Hmph, sallow youth, thy asses shall fall too,
to the ravages of cigarettes, and time, and men,
You'll look like the Sphinx in 10 years' time
and remember it like a distant dream
when I shone the light of fame upon you and said ,,,
Welcome, (foreign language), to Canada's "Top model Chef!"
(audience applauding)
- Hi, it's so great to see you!
- I'm so glad we can help you here today,
(truck rumbling)
(curious music)
You were asked out by a boy, and you said no?
- No's an option,
Ugh, Panda Supreme again?
Will someone explain to me
why my mother hosts a cooking show
and we're eating Chinese takeout three times a week?
- Busy, mon cheri (my dear),
BTW, how is school?
- We had to inflict a presentation on an influential person,
I chose Dad,
- You had to do a presentation on a celebrity,
and you didn't choose moi (me?)
(curious music)
- [Dr, Marz Voiceover] Midnight blue,
Pink grapefruit,
What is the point of ordering Victoria's Secret
when you live alone with a cat
and a Sharper Image vibrator?
- [Echo] What's up, doc?
Is that a Victoria's Secret catalog
peeking out from beneath my file,
or are you just glad to see me?
- Enough about me,
Let's talk about you, Echo,
Mais pourquoi (Why me?)
- What is so important
that I had to be dragged out of psych lab?
J'aime (I love) all things psych lab,
- I've got some important news for you,
- If this is about leopard print boy shorts being on sale,
I warn you, I am so over novelty undies,
- It's about your father,
- We never discuss my father,
- [Dr, Marz] Maybe we should,
- If you're looking for an autograph, it ain't happening,
Now, my mom, my ma could be the basis
of your next three books, a reality show,
a narrow-appeal fetish porn,
- These hostilities,
This anger,
Have you ever tried primal scream therapy?
You know, screaming when a metro is about to pass?
- Good call, doc,
Let me add that to my to-do list,
right after losing my anal virginity,
- Echo, have you ever heard of the Clinique Sacré-Coeur
outside of of Montreal?
- No,
- [Dr, Marz] Because they called, asking for you,
(relaxed banjo music)
♪ In this town or in these stables ♪
♪ In this field or in this bed ♪
♪ There are markets and there are tales ♪
♪ In the times you left me dead left me dead ♪
♪ The words never slipped out ♪
♪ Though I tried to let them go ♪
♪ Now I fear and I love you ♪
♪ But I guess you'll never know ♪
♪ Oh if I was brave enough for you ♪
♪ Oh we would see ♪
- Do I have to?
- [Dr, Marz] I can go in with you if you want,
- There must be some mistake,
My old man is dead, Mort (dead),
logged out, you know?
- You are listed as next of kin,
We can contact your mother if you want,
- No,
If dude is breathing, then M-C is the one
who buried him alive in the first place,
I'll do it,
If I don't come back, call the Mounties,
(monitor beeping)
- [Echo Voiceover] He's just lying there,
My father,
Like he looks in magazines and on YouTube,
How old is he now?
34?
He's just lying there,
My mother lied to me,
No shocker there,
My dead father, just lying there,
like a guy in a coma in a movie about a guy in a coma,
I'm touching his hand,
'cause that's what you're supposed to do
in a movie about a guy in a coma, right?
I'm standing in a rehab clinic outside Montreal,
and I'm reaching out and touching my dead father's hand,
And ,,,
he's got ,,,
a hard-on!
(relaxed guitar music)
- [Dr, Marz] You look pale,
- Come in with me please,
♪ Oh if I could ♪
Jac?
Can you hear me, Jac?
I'm ,,,
I'm Echo,
I'm your daughter, Jac,
His lips are moving,
- I think he wants you to come closer,
- You do it,
- (giggling) He kissed me,
With his tongue,
- I want ,,,
to die,
My father is still alive!
- [Marie-Claire] (sighs) Apparently,
C'est un miracle(it's a mircale,)
He kissed your shrink open mouthed?
- [Echo] Tongue!
- [Marie-Claire] (gasps) He's still got it,
Did she seem pleased?
- Dripping like a percolator,
- [Marie-Claire] I prefer French press,
- You lied about my most primal nuclear relationship!
- [Marie-Claire] I was 17,
Do you know what it's like to be 17?
- Do you not keep track of my birthdays?
- [Marie-Claire] Well you're always my little girl,
- When's my birthday?
- [Marie-Claire] Uh, something ,,,
something, 1990-something,
It's written down,
- Narcissist!
- If I wasn't, who would focus on me?
After your father collapsed in concert,
he was briefly revived backstage,
We actually made love,
Two times,
- T-M-fucking-I!
- You, my one and only child,
you were conceived out of electroshock and chaos,
- Who says that to their daughter?
- And then he went dark,
Coma, Fini (finished)
I was 17,
Just like you will be on your birthday,
We put him in a clinic and didn't tell anyone,
for your privacy,
- [Echo] My privacy?
- They trample all over Jim Morrison's grave,
Can you imagine the pilgrimage to visit Jac?
I figured he would be safe with his sisters,
and the sisters would be safe with him,
- How'd they find me?
- I listed you as next-of-kin,
in case anything happened to me,
- Something's about to,
- Who should they call, Oprah Winfrey?
- I wish Oprah were my mother!
- No, you do not, mon cher(my dear)
Bone structure,
- Do not try to hug me!
It's creepy,
- All your life, I've tried
to keep you out of the spotlight,
Why do you thin we live in Montreal?
For the temperate climes and pastries?
Excuse moi(excuse me) The film crew is here,
- You never tape here,
That's why there's never any food in this house,
- No, no,
This is for the "Canadian Cribs,"
They want to see how we live,
- This is no way to live,
- How's my lipstick?
(smacks lips)
This is not how I wanted you to find out, Echo,
- I could kill you right now,
Je comprends (I understand)
- At least you won't be an orphan, should you succeed,
(soft piano music)
(train screeching)
- Jac?
I am Dr, Marz,
A friend of your daughter,
I ,,,
put together this chart to help jog your memory,
This is your ,,,
She wasn't your wife, your former girlfriend, Marie-Claire,
And ,,,
this is your wife's--
Pardon, your former girlfriend's ,,,
daughter, Echo,
which makes her your daughter,
Yes, you have a daughter, Jac,
You ,,,
You want me to come close?
Do you ,,,
Do you need a pen, paper?
Can you write?
Who names ,,,
her kid Echo?
(chuckles)
Someone screaming for attention,
(curious piano music)
- I brought some fruit,
I wasn't sure what you wanted,
After 17 years,
Puh ,,,
Puddy ,,,
Yeah, well they don't wrap that
in cellophane with a gift card,
Or maybe they do,
How about a ripe and juicy Asian pear?
Been there, done that,
Of course you have,
So, Jac, what's it gonna be?
Staring contest?
Thumb war?
Wrong finger,
G-d!
You don't blink very much,
You can tell ,,,
a lot from ,,,
someone's eyes,
What do mine say?
Do they say ,,,
I didn't know I had a father, eh?
I didn't know ,,,
I had a daughter,
Guess this makes us even,
You could have assumed,
All-right,
Someone had to fuck mom, true,
Where's mom?
Not sure,
But it probably involves layers of makeup and a diaphragm,
- You know, I think women can age like wine,
and can get better, you know?
(laughing)
(sighs)
This is okay, right?
Thank you,
(whirring)
And this is my daughter Echo's crib,
Access strictly verboten (forbidden)
Ooh!
Force field alert!
Bzzz!
And this infinite hallways feature my magazine covers,
French Vogue, Interview, FHM,
Shoot them if you must, or La Chose réelle (the real thing)
(camera shutter sound)
Why go to the wax museum when ,,, (chuckles)
And if you'll follow me down here ,,,
What?
What's that?
Oh,
That,
(clears throat)
That is the last guitar my daughter's father, Jac Whyte,
played before his untimely demise,
(sobs) Rest in peace, mon amour (my love),
I need a moment,
(crying)
- How's your father?
- Dandy,
suppose,
He doesn't say much,
Anything, really,
Verbally,
But ,,,
you can tell a lot from someone's eyes,
Does he talk about me?
- Oh my G-d,
You are as bad as my mom,
You, my shrink, want to bone my comatose father,
- Well, believe it or not,
but it might turn out to be a good thing,
- How's that?
More quality time for you and I?
Slurping from one bowl of spaghetti?
Color Me Mine?
- Nurturing,
Stepping outside of yourself,
Getting in touch with a side of yourself
that needs to be taken care of and takes care of others,
Remember the egg exercise in sexuality class?
- When Jared Rubenstein tried fingering me
during the film strip,
or when we had to carry around an egg for a week?
- The latter,
Remember what happened to yours?
- I dropped it in the parking lot,
And ,,,
watched it sizzle and fry in the noonday sun,
And then I scraped it up
and ate it atop some Melba toast,
- And that's when you started seeing me,
What do you want, Echo?
To finally get to know your father?
To prove worthy of his love
that he unwittingly withheld for so many years?
(soft piano music)
Echo,
Look at me,
- I don't like seeing him in that hospital,
- Because it makes you feel helpless?
- No,
Because ,,,
I hate taking the train there,
And the smell,
I'd like to bring him home,
For better or worse, he's my dad,
- Why don't you?
- For one thing, it would drive Marie-Claire batty,
Doc!
High-five!
Merci-beaucoup!(Thank you so much!)
This has been our best session ever!
(chuckling)
This is it?
I just sign one form and he's mine?
- Right,
- UPS asks for more I,D,
- You have his eyes,
I'm giving you some medication,
And some diapers,
- Ew!
- We'll send a physical therapist to the house,
His voice and motor control will be more tricky,
- Does he ,,,
depreciate when we wheel him off the lot?
I mean ,,,
can we bring him back?
- [Nun] No exchanges, no returns,
(intense music)
♪ Why was I so ready to lay myself bare for you ♪
♪ Every thought to share with you ♪
♪ Correlate and care for you ♪
♪ I ask again ♪
♪ Why was I so ready to lay myself bare for you ♪
- I detect a disturbance in the Force,
What are you doing home at this hour?
Thrown out of school?
Pregnant?
Can they send you home for that?
- You can put him in my room for now, Phillipe,
First door on the right,
- Why not the guest room?
- He's not a guest,
He's family,
- You just signed for delivery of your father,
- I'm an only child, oui? (yes)
- [Marie-Claire] That I know of,
- And you always said, ever since I was a little girl,
that I could have whoever I wanted over for dinner,
Anytime,
♪ Why'd I need to lay it on the line for you ♪
♪ Explain every sign to you ♪
♪ Will you be mine I said to you ♪
♪ Will you be mine ♪
♪ Why'd I need to lay it on so thick with you ♪
♪ Want it all so quick with you ♪
♪ Think that it would stick ♪
♪ Your protective mother told me not to bother ♪
♪ Your prospective lover warned me not to go there ♪
♪ Even with an arrow through my chest ♪
♪ I still could not lay down to rest ♪
♪ Even with an arrow through my chest ♪
♪ I still could not lay down to rest ♪
♪ Even with an arrow through my chest ♪
♪ I still could not lay down to rest ♪
Cloth or disposable?
- Me?
- No, that would be way too personal,
I've never bought diapers before,
so I wasn't sure if I should get cloth or disposable,
- Well ,,,
Personally, I would go cloth, because of the environment,
No logo,
Eco-methane, that kind of thing,
- Duly noted, Greenpeace,
Think they'll fit?
Stand up,
Do you mind?
It's for a good cause,
- Couldn't I just make a donation or something?
- This is your donation,
- Over my jeans, okay?
- I will compensate for the difference in my head,
You can take it off now,
You're a hell of a good sport,
Kinky, but a good egg,
- Wait, can I get your number?
- Sorry, I like younger men,
but I don't date 'em 'til they're out of diapers,
Don't stalk me,
Going on safari?
- Welcome to the jungle,
- You brought out the good stuff, monogrammed,
Taking the Darjeeling Limited?
- [Marie-Claire] Give mama a hand, mon coeur (my heart),
- You're leaving?
You're a worse mother than Angelica Huston,
You're a worse mother than Joan Crawford!
- [Marie-Claire] I'm here at the Sofitel, not India!
The circus is coming to town, and I didn't buy tickets,
I'm not "dompteuse," how do you say, a tamer of lion,
- And yet you can still crack the whip,
You're actually walking out the door,
wheeling the rolly-luggage?
We were gonna do this together!
- The wiping of the ass, the sleepless nights,
the stench of piss and sweat,
we did that together many times,
- I want a refund for my childhood,
- Then you should have kept the receipts,
(door opening)
- No,
No,
I don't need anything elaborate,
Just like a Jamaican lady to come over,
maybe take him for walks in the park,
How old is the child?
Huh,
Is that cheaper than the full adult fare?
(glass shattering)
Let me shop around and get back at you,
Wow, Jac,
I am traumatized,
Like "Tommy,"
Did you sleep all right?
For like the last 17 years, eh?
I have to ask,
Did you try dressing yourself?
That's mom's stuff, and makeup,
But, on you, it totally works,
Don't cry,
Don't cry!
What did M-C used to give me when I was about to cry?
Shit, I don't have Benadryl or Raffi,
Oh,
(singing in a foreign language)
Oh, uh ,,,
How about a ride in the stroller?
(upbeat electric guitar music)
Did I ever tell you about the time
M-C dropped me off at Graceland?
I was nine,
But she had already taken the tour before,
and she had to shoot some spread
near the Pyramid, so she left me there,
They give you this ancient Walkman,
not so ancient to you, I guess,
and let you wander the estate on your own,
No adult supervision,
They let you see and inhale everything,
His gold records, his jewelry collection,
You can linger near the eternal flame grave site
and reenact the "Heartbreak Hotel" scene from "Spinal Tap,"
You can stay all day if you want,
And I wanted to,
Pretend you're him,
Or his kid,
They let you see the yellow TV room
where he shot out the screen 'cause Robert Goulet came on,
Came-effin-lot,
Jac?
Jac!
(chuckles)
Okay, Jac, put down the iPod,
The iPod,
Hey now,
That album cover looks just like ,,,
I don't know what happened,
One minute he's fine, the next he sees his image
on a playlist and ,,,
- Well, there are things in the human mind
that we don't understand,
- I don't understand any of my mind,
and it is presumptuous to think anyone
can understand anyone else's,
Witch doctors,
- He had an episode,
- He had a whole season!
It was like, when he was listening to something,
like Radiohead, his pirate eye scrunched up like Thom Yorke,
Riddle me this,
Dude is in a coma for 17 years,
How does he know who Thom Yorke is?
- Perhaps the nuns,
- Are listening to Arcade Fire on CBC 3?
Trust me,
It's either "Sound of Music "or all-chorale all the time,
I don't know what to do,
- [Dr, Marz] What would Marie-Claire have done?
- Pumped me full of cheap Chablis
and let the Raffi DVD rock me to sleep,
(ticking)
I'm sorry I meringued my egg,
Forgive me?
I don't think you're ready yet for the field trip concept,
You didn't miss much,
(clicks pen)
Missed you,
Here's an idea,
Maybe we should wait for the physical therapist
before we take you someplace advanced,
like the Cheesecake Factory,
(scribbling)
It wasn't your fault,
Scary thought:
Is it possible to be a shittier mom than Mom?
(soft piano music)
(keypad buzzing)
- [Deliveryman] Delivery,
I have a ,,,
delivery ,,,
for you,
- [Echo Voiceover] Good morning, Jac,
Or good afternoon, as the case may be,
I had to go to school because
there are very complicated Canadian laws that affect,
And considering you haven't paid taxes in 17 years,
we don't want the man kicking down our door, eh?
- [Deliveryman] Delivery,
(buzzing)
- [Echo Voiceover] There's cold pizza in the fridge,
Whatever you do, don't leave the loft,
Don't answer the phone,
Don't talk to strangers,
(shakes door)
(buzzing)
Cable is groovy,
Don't order anything off home shopping,
Don't watch any shows hosted by Mom,
(buzzing)
Cartoon Network is good,
You might like "Doctor Who" too,
I'll be home soon, and we can map out the rest of your life,
XO, your genetic descendant, E,
- You have to ,,,
Okay,
When you hear the buzz, like a bee,
just hold it and keep holding,
(buzzing)
(emotional music)
That's not Doctor Who, true,
It's not the Doctor who you grew up with,
rather a regenerative incarnation,
- Honey, I'm home,
What's going on here?
Diaper-Boy!
I know you,
- That's me,
- Wait, why are you ,,,
You're the physical therapist they sent over,
Who else would wear those dorky shorts and tube socks?
- Me, because I'm not Diaper-Boy,
I'm physical therapist dude, and this is our uniform,
- Wear it proudly,
It's not like we're going to throw on matching outfits
and ride a tandem bike, eh?
- Not part of the therapy,
- One more question,
How did you get Jac to hold onto the remote?
- Oh, um ,,,
The same way you avoid evening gown nip-slips at the Oscars,
Double-stick tape,
- Cool,
Well,
That's settled,
So, where do we begin?
Thanks for the swag, doc,
I feel safer already,
- I was going to "Bed, Bath & Beyond"anyway,
I had a coupon,
- Well, that makes you a member
of a very exclusive club,
It's Jac's nap time,
Most of the day saved for "Doctor Who" is his nap time,
- Do you have any cranberry juice?
Xanax?
- There ought to be a name for that cocktail,
"Cranax?"
Top shelf, right,
- Oh, god!
She has more pills than Jac,
- Marie-Claire used to send me to pick up
her maman's little helper when I was a kid,
I'll never forget,
Pharmacy bag was like a maraca,
Krishnas on the Netro let me jam rhythm,
- I'm only taking a half, based on my body weight,
Would you like to have the other one?
(speaking a foreign language)
Have you ever been to "Bed, Bath & Beyond?"
Do you know what the "Beyond" means?
Beyond child bearing, beyond hope,
- [Echo] No more "Cranax" for you,
- There's no place more depressing on your own
than "Bed, Bath & Beyond,"
I could just feel and touch the void,
Like Sandra Bullock in this movie "Gravity,"
- Stay away from the oven, Sylvia Plath,
That goes for the microwave too,
Can I ask your professional opinion on something?
Alléluia (Hallelujah)
- I thought you'd never ask,
- Physical therapist boy is coming over tomorrow,
Do you think it's safe to leave him alone with Jac?
- Are you jealous?
- Of whom, Jac?
Am I?
- Or perhaps you're transferring your abandonment issues
onto--
- No, no, go back,
I want to make sure I get my money's worth,
- This physical therapist boy,
- He answers to "Diaper-Boy", "Ethan,"
- Don't obfuscate,
You like him,
(chuckles)
- Maybe,
A little,
- Don't you think that's a little unprofessional?
- Of him,
- Or you, as a caregiver?
- You're lecturing me?
I have the only school shrink that makes
concierge house calls, unsolicited,
(exhales)
- Touche,
- Nice swimsuit, "Baywatch,"
- Where's Jac?
- "Doctor Who" marathon on BBC Canada,
Thanks for getting him hooked, crack dealer,
- Sorry,
- I'm checking this out first,
What's the drill?
- Well ,,,
We'll be working here and your house,
We need some time there to childproof everything,
- Isn't that occupational therapy?
- What, you think I don't know the difference?
You think I just read "Physical Therapy for Dummies?"
- Can I ask you something?
- [Ethan] Please,
- Do you know ,,,
who Jac is?
- [Ethan] He's your father,
- Of course,
So ,,,
why the Mikvah Pool?
- Hydrotherapy,
It's a low-G environment,
It's like walking on the moon,
- Why not walk on the moon?
- Price of fuel,
- I grew up with this teddy bear, Irwin,
who used to test drive everything Marie-Claire brought home,
Poorly installed car seats,
hastily assembled high chairs, IKEA shit,
I'm going to be Jac's Irwin,
- What, you don't trust me?
- Does Irwin shit in the woods?
(gentle piano music)
(splashing)
Now what?
- Now we float,
- You and me?
- Yup,
Lean back,
- This is so infantilizing,
- No it's not,
Need to go potty?
(chuckles)
- Is this some team-building trust exercise?
- You still don't trust me?
- I don't know you,
- Then you have no reason to mistrust me,
- You're not bad,
- You mean good?
Why don't you say what you mean?
- What are you, my therapist?
- If you'd like,
How's it feel?
- Therapeutic,
- [Ethan] We're just gonna ,,,
close our eyes, float, get in touch with our extremities,
- Careful,
- [Ethan] Jac's extremities,
- This is nice,
- [Ethan] Gravity is no longer in charge,
There's a Laurie Anderson song about it,
- You sing, Namor?
- No,
But neither does she,
- [Echo] Regale me,
- [Ethan] Something like ,,,
You don't realize it, but you're always falling,
Every time you step, you fall and catch yourself,
Over and over,
Stepping forward,
Catching yourself,
(gentle piano music)
(curious music)
(taps guitar)
(wheelchair squeaking)
- Hey, Jac,
I uh ,,,
was just admiring,
Why aren't you asleep?
Let's get you back to bed,
Come on,
We can do some wheelies,
(curious music)
Jac, I don't play, not even "Guitar Hero,"
(curious music)
(knocking)
- Ah!
Bonne à rien (Good-for-nothing)
She's back, like a bad penny,
J'accuse! (I accuse!)
How'd you find me?
- Who else checks into the Sofitel
under the name "Mrs, Mojo Risin,"
- The concierge recommended the name change,
lest the rabid crowd,
- What were you thinking?
- Oh, I was thinking the only thing lonelier
than being alone in a hotel suite
is being lonely and alone without the deviated septum wheeze
of your spiteful daughter in the next room,
Fruit, mon cheri? (my dear)
Regularity is second only to piété (piety),
- [Echo] You sold dad's guitars?
- [Marie-Claire] It's "dad" now?
Sweet papa,
- Where's Jac's shit, his real shit?
- Why do you doubt?
- [Echo] Jac Whyte always cracked a new guitar
before he went on stage,
- Why would he do such a thing?
- So he wouldn't break it for the first time,
It's like breaking a glass at a Jewish wedding,
- [Marie-Claire] Who told you?
- Wikipedia,
- That guitar was a very expensive copy,
The best,
- Which you could afford by selling the original!
- You were young,
In some ways you still are,
And I had to make ends meet,
- You have a job,
You've had many jobs,
- Now,
It was not always so,
And I am not Don Draper,
If I quit, they get Klum or Padma,
- What else did you sell?
I need to know,
Jac needs to know!
- Worried about your inheritance?
- [Echo] Not if there's a funeral involved,
- I'd tell you you were an accident,
but this you already know,
- What else?
- (sighs) I cannot recall,
You should consult the attorneys,
In the meantime, why don't I order us supper?
I hardly ever see you,
- [Echo] You've seen me more since Jac came back
than in years,
- (exhales) The disdain,
The utter disdain,
Where does such a beautiful child get that look?
- From my mother,
(car door opens)
- How'd it go?
- My mother is evil,
She is the "Wicked Witch of the West,"
Without the revisionist redemption of "Wicked,"
- [Ethan] That bad, huh?
- She squandered my inheritance, Jac's nest egg,
the only hope I had of caring for him,
She's up there right now eating through my trust funds
in Beluga caviar,
And I don't know if you can tell, but ,,,
I've ,,,
got serious abandonment and trust issues,
- No,
Well, I mean ,,,
You mask it well,
This may not be the best time, but ,,,
I have to tell you something,
- What is it, diaper boy?
You have a girlfriend?
- I wish,
I'm a rock and roll bandit,
In Steve Miller parlance, a "gangster of love,"
I watch MTV Cribs, case out celebrities homes
and steal their prized paraphernalia,
I can see everything: alarm systems, windows,
a piece of mail on the counter with an address,
It's not ,,,
entirely about greed,
It's about liberation,
Half the people in possession
of this stuff don't appreciate it,
and the other half are just conspicuous 1% consumers,
Think "Jabba the Hutt,"
I fence my spoils online: Ebay, a select collector in Japan,
Am I Robin Hood in a Prius?
Hardly,
I use a portion of my profits to survive,
To finance my band, my first film,
great American novel, or screenplay,
I don't really know yet,
I came here to steal Jac's guitar,
But then I saw you,
In the adult underwear garments aisle,
And then I met Jac and ,,,
here we are,
I'm so sorry,
Okay, I'm gonna take you home now,
I ,,,
I only ask if you give me a solid six,
maybe seven hours,
I need to get gas and turkey jerky
before you report me to the authorities,
(soft guitar music)
- You like turkey jerky?
- The cultivation of beef cattle
is devastating the planet,
♪ And so you hope to find ♪
♪ Another face to get by ♪
♪ Another mask to hide ♪
- Come home with me?
♪ You push me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
♪ You know your eyes cannot lie ♪
What?
- [Ethan] Who knew?
- Yeah,
- [Ethan] That whole "the truth will set you free" thing?
- [Echo] Mm-hm,
- [Ethan] It's true,
♪ To the fool that sticks around ♪
♪ Has your world come crumbling down ♪
♪ You could never lie ♪
(children chattering)
♪ You could never lie ♪
- [Echo] Am I a bad mother just because I left Jac
with a snow cone and a balloon
while we wandered off to make out in the grass?
- I think he'll be okay for a little bit,
(birds chirping)
♪ You could never lie ♪
♪ I saw you drifting into haze ♪
♪ That tonight's bled into days ♪
♪ No time to hide ♪
♪ Nowhere to hide ♪
♪ You push me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
♪ You know your eyes cannot lie ♪
♪ Push me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
♪ You know your eyes cannot lie ♪
- Jac!
Jac?
I knew we should have gotten one of those kid leashes,
♪ You pushed me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
Where'd you get those?
- A birdwatcher,
Or pervert,
- Spot anything?
- Nothing that's not vaguely pornographic,
It'll be okay,
Jac is ,,,
very lovable
in an "Of Mice and Men" kind of way,
(cellphone ringing)
- Hello?
Oui! (yes)
Jimmy who?
- They found him?
- We'll be right there!
I ,,,
love my iPhone,
- There's an iPhone app to find your father?
- Sort of,
- [Jesse] Jac, is this you son and daughter?
- [Echo] Jac, what are you doing here?
- [Ethan] You A-okay, buddy?
- Hi, guys,
I'm Jimmy from the Genius Bar,
Yeah, I called you guys as soon as I found the number,
- What number?
- The one sewn in side of his jacket,
- I don't sew,
Who--
- I learned it at Steiner school, okay?
Anybody can do it!
- Jac, why did you come here?
Are you mad at me?
- At me?
- Look, maybe I can help,
- Back off, genius from the Jimmy Bar!
He ain't a hard drive on the fritz,
- Well, actually,
- Hey, Jac, you want to go home?
You never really said you were sorry,
(relaxed guitar music)
♪ You're the star of the symphony ♪
♪ Playing all your songs for me ♪
♪ Oh I always used to wonder ♪
♪ What spell I was under ♪
♪ And now ♪
♪ For years I've been trying to find ♪
- You're feathery, even for a rockstar,
You're like half a Bowie feathery,
Actually, scarily ,,,
we weigh about the same,
You and I are like,, the living embodiment
of the Lincoln Kennedy penny
It's like ,,,
of this penny, hence the name,
that has both Lincoln and Kennedy on it,
There are all these weird coinkydinks,
like Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy,
Kennedy's was named Lincoln,
Both their assassins had three names,
And I'm the same age now as you were when you died,
For the first time,
The way I see it, you're going to die twice,
I am not going to let you fall,
The last few days have been the worst montage sequence ever,
I lost Jac in the park,
I think we hurt his feelings,
Doc!
Could you stop eating your mandarin oranges
and cottage cheese long enough
to acknowledge my apology here?
- You didn't apologize to me,
And you should be apologizing to Jac,
- Sorry,
I need money,
And not just short-term allowance money,
but long-term, full-time care money,
the kind that gets Jac more medical
and possibly psychological care
than the faux physical therapist whom I'm sleeping with,
But that means going to offices where adults roam,
Maybe trying to track down and sell some of his stuff,
Publishing deals,
Doc, I can barely pass pre-calculus,
I'm supposed to deal with this shit?
- People are capable of amazing things,
Do you think your mother was ready
to have a child at age 17?
Or host her own cooking show?
- You know how she cooks?
Every three months she takes out a scissors
and cuts open the Brita filter, if I remind her,
We used to coordinate it with her cycle,
but then she said we were wasting perfectly good filters,
- [Dr, Marz] Would you like me to come with you
to the lawyers?
- No,
But ,,,
what's your hourly for babysitting?
- Good news or bad news?
- Why do people ask?
Bring on the pain,
- The estate records are sealed,
Confidential,
Especially when another client's interest is involved,
The good news, there is some interest from Cirque du Soleil,
- Cirque du Freaks?
A bunch of Québécois clowns
standing around smoking,
"Laugh at us if you dare!
"Death comes to us all!"
- Those freaks ,,,
have made an offer, a sizable offer,
to adapt the songs of Jac Whyte
into a theatrical spectacular,
- No way!
My da--
Jac is not going to be a logo on some T-shirts
sold in a lobby like a ,,,
- Che Guevara,
- Yeah, how much did Che Guevara
make off all those T-Shirts?
- I'm not sure,
But his estate, and their attorneys,
likely made a mint,
- Good luck,
Bonne chance,
I'll let you think it over,
- Will there be a bill for this,
- Like any good pusher, first one's on the house,
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know,
- Should we watch it?
- Huh?
- The tape,
- What tape?
- The tape he left on the table,
There's a VHS,
Upright,
Just ,,,
standing there,
Like the monolith from "2001,"
(curious music)
- [Echo] Why would he just leave it there?
- And who uses tapes anymore?
- In my business, there are no accidents,
- "Moog?"
Who the fuck is "Moog?"
- Canadian Idol winner and pop sensation worldwide, "Moog,"
- How come I've never read about him?
- It wasn't in a catalog,
- Why are you wearing lipstick, Doc?
Why are you and dad both wearing lipstick, Doc?
- He needed some assistance in the bathroom, and ,,,
- [Echo] You can't walk without assistance,
but you can have sex in the bathroom?
- [Dr, Marz] I walk quite well,
- [Echo] I'm talking to him,
I shower in that shower,
Now I have to shower after I shower,
- Détour,, Let's watch this thing,
- Where'd you find a VCR?
- In the closet, behind the Lite-Brite
and the Easy Bake Oven,
(static humming)
- Test, one, two,
Are we rolling?
Coolio,
Hey, I'm Moog,
And you're not, (laughs)
This is my crib, my Fortress of Moogitude,
Kinda like Dr, Strange's Sanctum Sanitorium, if you will,
And this ,,,
is my kitch,
This is where the magic actually happens,
You know they say it's in the bedroom,
but this is where I do all my banging,
Over here, Viking oven, 48 incher,
About nine thou- American,
Why the Vikings had these, though, I don't know,
(camera shutter)
Over here, the ex-presso machine, Japanese, from Japan,
About 20 thou-, (sniggers)
This is like "The Price is Right," only for real,
- Does he know that he's not on MTV?
- This ,,,
This needs to be on the internet,
- Everybody always wants to see what's in the fridge, right?
There it is, ladies,
The Moog's gotta stay reg,
I love to cook,
You know, it's what I like to do
when I'm not touring or UNICEFing,
You see, kids, I'm a UNICEF cultural ambassador
to developing nations,
This ,,,
is my Jac Whyte guitar,
Price tag ,,,
"priceless,"
Jac is my alpha, my beta,
my kappa-gamma, and all the rest, eh?
It goes to "12!"
You know, if it weren't for Jac Whyte ,,,
I never would have picked up the guitar,
(tape rewinding)
If it weren't for Jac Whyte ,,,
I never would have picked up the guitar,
(static hissing)
(knocking)
- That is a very aggressive room service knock,
Ah!
(makes kissing noises)
Mon cheri,, mon petit chou,, mon
enfant terrible
Four air kisses are not enough,
- And yet too much,
- To what do I owe this honor?
- It ,,,
is "family night," and you have missed the last ,,,
896 worth,
So I brought over "Clue" and "Pictionary,"
I'm here on business,
- So I don't have to play "Pictionary?"
- You can come home,
I am willing to move out,
And overlook the last 896 family nights
if you grant me this one favor,
- How much?
- Your money's no good here,
But it does involve ,,,
confession,
I am a huge fan of your show,
Sacredieu (Holy G-d)
- Oh!
(clears throat)
I knew if I could just endure the first 17 years,
the karma wheel would spin in my favor,
Continue,
- [Ethan] Let me get that for you sir,
Guitar?
- [Moog] Makeup,
- [Ethan] Hope you don't mind the car,
Network's very green,
Got a little hybrid,
- [Moog] What's that?
- Green,
Environmentally conscious,
- No, no, "hybrid?"
- Part-gas, part-electric car, cross of the two,
- Like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup,
- Sort of,
- Must need a long cord,
(curious music)
Bienvenue, (Welcome) cooking nubiles
Put your freshly manicured hands together
and welcome warmly notre
beau morceau (our beautiful friend),
Moog!
(audience applauding)
Moog!
(audience applauding)
- [Concierge] What's in there?
- Girls and guns,
(laughing)
- No, really,
- Moog, you are about to taste Joliet's first attempt
at Salad de
Poulet de Citron,,(Chicken salad w/lemon),
- My tongue is hard,
♪ I've got a tongue erection ♪
(audience laughing)
- Fan mail for Moog,
(heavy breathing)
- Well that Moog is tres populaire (very popular,)
(buzzing)
(heavy breathing)
Le verdict? (The verdict?)
- Second-best thing I've ever had in my mouth,
(audience laughing)
(rumbling)
- [Ethan] You okay?
- Very "Altered States"
Birth regression, only less scary
without Marie-Claire offering me
an au pair's breast when I was six months old,
- You take what you can get,
- Yeah, I love to cook,
Well, bake the things I cook mostly,
You're hot, by the way,
- [Concierge] No-go?
- Wrong address,
(buzzing)
- [Concierge] There are two Moogs in Montreal?
Who knew?
(soft percussion)
- Shouldn't we wait for M-C?
- I uh ,,,
dropped her and Moog off at the Ritz Carlton for ,,,
dueling seaweed spa treatments,
- I just threw up in my mouth,
Fine, I'll do it,
Un, deux, trois (one, two, three)
Clicks on the case, and voila!
Or viola, cello, guitar in this case, literally,
Stand back, please, in case any soul-sucking
phantasmagorical harpies shoot forth,
- I thought you said mama was occupied,
- Good one, Doc,
Or, Jac, do you want to do it?
You do the honors,
She's all yours,
Your baby's back,
- I think maybe he's a little tired,
- I can take him,
- No, no, no,
You better stay with Echo,
We've all had a big day,
(gentle guitar music)
- We go all "Ocean's 11," 12, & 13 to recover Jac's guitar,
I mean, M-C even pitches in, which she hasn't done
since she unwittingly dropped that egg
down her Fallopian tube,
First and last time I've ever been on a water-slide,
- You turned out okay,
- What happened?
Bad memories?
- Maybe,
Probably not,
Je ne comprends pas (I don't understand,)
Same reason you don't make friends
the last week at band camp,
- I never went to camp,
M-C told me it was all Lyme disease and sexual awakening,
- That, and archery,
Just ,,,
doesn't want to get attached to something he'll ,,,
never see again,
♪ Come let's be gentle ♪
♪ Be soft in my arms ♪
♪ There's moonstorms been brewing ♪
♪ And braying in the barns ♪
♪ Your mother is sleeping ♪
♪ I'll play my guitar ♪
♪ Twilight is keeping ♪
♪ Us close to the stars ♪
Is that you gnashing your teeth
or do we have a rat problem?
- I can't make Jac part with his guitar,
What will it mean, a few bucks?
Temporary succor, what now must we do?
- Isn't it obvious?
(soft orchestra tuning)
- To appreciate this, do I need to be high?
- Keep drinking,
- Do I have to be French?
- No, but it helps,
Here's to a full house,
Chin-chin,
- Oh, dad, you don't have to do anything,
Just sit there, and when the music stops, stand up,
- We've been working on standing up,
- No one stays up like Jac,
It's a gift,
- Maybe just ,,,
wave, like the Queen,
- Your mother looks stunning tonight,
Go say hi,
- Mother,
- Daughter,
- I know, we had a deal,
- Oui (yes) A deal's a deal,
- But ,,,
I can't honor the agreement,
Pourquoi? (Why?)
(kisses cheeks)
- I hate you,
I love you,
You're my mother,
- Does this mean family night's back on?
- Every night,
- Family night?
I love "Battleship,"
I also have "Uno,"
"Scattegories,"
- You're not family!
(bright orchestral music)
- [Ethan] Jac has a gift for you,
(chuckling)
(soft piano music)
- [Jac] Even in the dark, I can feel her,
My Echo,
My love,
- Daddy ,,,
You rule,
- [Jac] She is me,
- Daddy, I ,,,
- [Jac] Only better,
- Shh!
It's about to begin!
- [Jac] My daughter to the right of me,
My girlfriend to the left,
My former girlfriend in the next row,
This makes me immeasurably happy,
An orchestra plays,, loudly,
I can feel the vibration through the balcony floor,
I don't remember any of these lyrics,
The music seems like it's from another life,
So I see no reason why the "Whyte Album" should interfere
with what promises to be (yawns) an epic ,,,
- [Melody] I don't remember much, but someday I will,
I remember that Jac wasn't able to stand
for his standing ovation,
and that someone called an ambulance,
We only trusted Philip to deliver him to the hospital,
Jac's room was waiting for him,
Dr, Marz decided to stay the night with him, again,
Sister Matilda was very understanding and kind,
She was like something out of "The Sound of Music,"
(gentle guitar music)
We returned home that night,
But nobody drank the champagne,
And nobody cried,
Until we went to the fridge,
- Oh my G-d,
- The Sub-Zero was covered head-to-toe in photos,
and a crayon drawing by Jac,
- How'd he get it to stick to the refrigerator?
- Double-stick tape,
- [Melody] Lots of photos of Jac and Echo,
Me in there if you look closely,
- [Ethan] I hope you don't mind,
- No,
♪ Your hazel eyes shine ♪
♪ In the face of it all ♪
Go on,
♪ Even when I try to make you feel small ♪
I knew you stole, I didn't know you actually played,
♪ But I didn't see ♪
Un poco (a little,)
- Nobody could sleep, especially me,
Not until I hear the sound of music,
The real sound of music,
♪ You gave to me ♪
- Where'd you get that sheet music?
- [Ethan] It was rolled up inside,
A hole in Jack's guitar,
♪ You took the burn for me ♪
- [Melody] It's beautiful music,
Pretty music,
Make you cry music,
Happy-and-sad at the same time music,
♪ You're on the edge ♪
- It's pretty,
♪ Of a final fall ♪
What's it called?
♪ You can only see freely or nothing at all ♪
- [Ethan] Here,
♪ So what drives you ♪
♪ To be my savior ♪
♪ To put up with me and my bad behavior ♪
- "Unnamed Melody,"
- [Melody] And that's where Mom and Dad got my name,
(chuckles) They just don't know it yet,
♪ When I was on fire ♪
♪ You took the burns ♪
♪ You took the burns for me ♪
♪ You took the burns ♪
♪ And each day that you gave me ♪
♪ You gave to my family ♪
♪ How can I repay you ♪
♪ What is the fee ♪
♪ And who knows when ♪
♪ Our time will be gone ♪
♪ Cause now I have my life back ♪
♪ I want it to go on ♪
♪ You gave to me ♪
♪ Without any return ♪
♪ When I was on fire ♪
♪ Well you took the burns ♪
♪ You took the burn for me ♪
♪ You took the burns for me ♪
♪ You took the burns ♪
♪ You took the burns for me ♪
♪ You took the burns ♪
♪ You took the burns for me ♪
♪ You took the burns ♪
(soft guitar music)
♪ And so you hope to find ♪
♪ Another face to get by ♪
♪ Another mask to hide ♪
♪ Like a world so down lightness ♪
♪ By that blood that pound inside ♪
♪ Could never lie ♪
♪ You pushed me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
♪ You know your eyes cannot lie ♪
♪ Push me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
♪ You know your harvest cannot lie ♪
♪ To the fool that sticks around ♪
♪ Has your world come crumbling down ♪
♪ You could never lie ♪
♪ And so you're drifting into haze ♪
♪ That tonight's bled into days ♪
♪ No time to hide ♪
♪ Nowhere to hide ♪
♪ You pushed me aside ♪
♪ Put a lock on your heart ♪
♪ But when your pain becomes a tide ♪
♪ You know your heart cannot lie ♪