[upbeat rock music]
[TV chattering]
- [TV Commentator] Deflection is good,
Off the post!
Now out of the zone in the center of the ice,
Look out!
Oo, just missed it,
Dumps it off and chases on the fly,
Westridge now pouring in off the bench,
What a hit!
[cheering]
[eerie music]
- What the hell, man?
What are you doing out of bed?
- I can't go to sleep,
Tell me a story,
- Tell you a story?
- A scary story,
- You want me to tell you a scary story?
- Yep,
- I'm trying to watch the game,
- Please,
- Okay, you want a scary story?
I'll tell you a scary story,
- [TV Commentator] He shoots, he scores!
- Let's see, ah, I got one for you,
Once upon a time there was a guy named Johnny,
You see, the thing you got to know about Johnny is,
Johnny is an asshole,
["Allegro"]
- [Johnny] What the fuck is this?
- It is your lunch, señor Johnny,
- No, you ignorant wetback,
Is this metal?
- Sí, señor Johnny, that is a metal spoon,
- How many times have I said that I cannot eat
with metal utensils?
I follow a strict Edo period macrobiotic diet
which means no metal,
- I apologize señor Johnny,
I can bring you a plastic -
- Plastic, are you loca señorita?
Wood, I need wood,
- [Lucia] I apologize señor Johnny,
- It's okay,
Now, come here,
It's too late, you've already tainted it with the metal,
Forget it, I'll get something later,
No,
Go get the hypoallergenic cloth, then wipe it up,
- Sí, señor Johnny,
- Like two little piglets wrestling under a blanket,
How many kids do you have, Lucia,
- Seis, señor Johnny,
- And that's why you're not invited,
Those things must just fall out at this point,
[fast paced exotic music]
- Stop!
Stop!
You freaking taco, what do you think you're doing?
- Ah, sí, señor Johnny,
[speaking in foreign language]
- What, what are you saying?
Speak English,
- Ah, no hablo ingles, señor Johnny,
Hablo español,
- No salt, the salt you idiot,
I said you only pour salt in the pool
with pink Himalayan sea salt,
- Ah, sí, señor Johnny, yeah,
Abominable blazario [growling],
- Oh my God, no, Himalayan,
Alejandro, Alejandro!
- Yes, sir, Yes, sir,
- Will you please translate Jose for me?
- I don't speak Spanish, Mr, Johnny,
- Your name is Alejandro, how could you not speak Spanish?
- Sir, my actual name -
[speaking in foreign language]
- Señor Johnny, you have to forgive my husband,
He's having mental problems, you know he did not -
- What is that?
- [Lucia] The micro-antibacterial rag,
- No, no, those are my boxers,
Give me that,
Aiesha!
["Allegro"]
[speaking in foreign language]
Aiesha!
What the fuck, Aiesha?
Seriously, how dumb are you?
Why in the Philippians, would you but my white boxers
in with my brand new red sheets?
- Well, Mr, Johnny, if you brought me that -
- Damn these bloody bitches,
Why is it so hard to get fucking laid,
You, you can do it,
- I ain't sleeping with you, Mr, Johnny,
- You wish,
Now go get this chick and drop her off where I tell you,
- I ain't a taxi service,
Besides, you have one of them pick her up,
- You're whatever Ben Franklin says you are,
Besides, those fence fairies clown car
probably smells like refried beans and tampico,
- And if I don't?
- Then you're out of a job,
- Thank you, Mr, Johnny,
It's been a real pleasure working for you,
- Okay, what do you want?
- I want an invite,
- It's for hot girls only,
- Well, it looks like you're going to be one hot girl short,
Goodbye, Mr, Johnny,
- Okay, fine, wait,
I'll text you the address when I'm on the road,
Hey, don't short change me
on the weeding and shit, Alejandro,
Got my eye on you,
Don't make me call immigration,
Why isn't my shit loaded yet?
- I'll get right on it, Mr, Johnny,
- Did he just threaten to call immigration on y'all?
- He still thinks we're fucking Mexicans,
I mean, do we look Mexican to you?
- You know damn well I ain't no Mexican,
- [Aiesha] I got to go guys,
I got to run an errand for Mr, Johnny,
[dog barking]
[phone buzzing]
- [Luke] Jennifer, we need to go get Brittany from the club,
- [Jennifer] Who the hell is Brittany,
- Hey, you friends of Johnny's?
- Get in,
- Woo, that's that I'm talking about!
Party time!
Woo!
- Okay, remember now, Johnny can't know that we're dating,
- Luke, we've been dating for a year
and I still haven't met your brother,
- Yeah, but Johnny's a big prick,
I don't think you want to meet him,
- Are you sure this is going to be safe?
- Yeah, why would it not be safe?
- [Jennifer] What if he tries to sleep with me?
- I don't think he's going to be trying to sleep with you,
- How do you know that?
- Cause you're not his type, he only likes fun girls,
[scoffs]
[upbeat music]
[suspenseful music]
- Motherfucker,
He expects us to walk,
Damn it,
- You know, it's really cool that you don't have a radio,
Gave us a chance to talk, you know,
Really get to know each other
and connect on a spiritual level,
Hey, should I come with you?
Totally feeling you, man,
We should be quiet, take in the nature that surrounds us,
[suspenseful music]
- I think we have to walk,
[scoffs]
- Yeah, it's just like you could feel the ora of people,
you know, it's like it radiates off of them, you know,
Like Brittany's ora is kind of like dark, you know,
Yours is like, like I can feel that you feel me, you know,
It's like that time Johnny walked into the vape shop,
Ah, like, I knew there was something different,
Just something about his ora,
Do you hear the bells?
Oh my God,
This is so fucking cool, man,
[dramatic music]
- You two really make a cute couple,
- Oh, we're not a couple,
- I'm just a random hot girl he found on the street,
- Street?
Oh my God, no, no you should really try dancing instead,
It's how Johnny and I meet,
- She's not a hooker,
- Oh, well either way, dancing is amazing for the body,
Like seriously, you should see what it does -
- She's not going to be a stripper either,
- I'm a CPA actually,
- So, you like to watch people pee?
- I wonder why Aiesha's here?
- Oh my God, I am so glad that they brought Aiesha
I bet she's here to do the laundry,
- I don't think this place has running water,
- Wait, what?
[suspenseful music]
- Where's Johnny?
- How the hell should I know?
[gate creaking]
[suspenseful music]
[door slamming]
- Welcome everybody, please have a seat,
Hear ye, hear ye, I officially commence
this years haunted hot girl and one black bitch challenge,
- No, no, no, you see it's okay, cause he's an asshole,
What are you doing out of bed?
- Just getting some water,
What's he doing out of bed?
- He couldn't sleep so I'm telling him a story,
- How many beers has he had?
- [TV Commentator] Stolen and clear to the center,
down the ice,
They're just hanging on now with 2:36 to go,
Up to the line gathering speed,
That pass does not connect,
- His stories are better when he's drunk,
- Alright, - Continue,
- So, anyway, where was I?
Mm, yeah I got it,
Alright, haunted hot girl -
- Girl and one black bitch challenge,
The rules are simple,
You spin the gun and wherever it lands
is where you stay for the night,
If you leave, you're disqualified,
If you give up, you must yell,
"Johnny has the biggest cock I've ever seen,"
- That's it,
- You wish, my petite Nubian house servant,
No, I like to change the odds up every year
and this one is no exception,
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,
the Devil's Acid,
- Oh hell no, I ain't doing no drugs,
- Well then there's the door,
No acid, no competir,
Those are the rules, comprende?
[suspenseful music]
- Well, show me the money,
- That's what I thought,
Now, one more rule,
Cell phones in the basket,
I have placed battery operated cameras everywhere,
So, I will know if you attempt to cheat,
- Is that dad's gun?
- Yeah, ass wipe, it is,
He left it to me, just like he left everything else,
- Wait a second, how did you get this place?
- Airbnb, now shut up!
- It's on the internet,
- Now we'll go from a scale of hotness so Delilah you're up,
- What, Johnny?
- What?
Oo, the prison chapel,
It's time for you to find God, Delilah,
Maybe if you're lucky, I'll help you look for him,
[laughing]
Open wide,
- Excuse me,
Hi, I'm so sorry, could you just move her right along
so we can move onto the next hottest please,
["Don Giovanni"]
- Okay, so onto the next hottest,
Let's see,
- Are you fucking kidding me right now?
- She's new, okay,
- She's new,
- Well played little brother,
You didn't think I'd figure it out did you?
- What?
- You knew I wouldn't plow her because she's a stuck up,
tight wound bitch with a stick up her ass,
- Yeah, - I'm proud of you,
For once little brother,
Why don't you do the honors,
- Spin it?
Oh,
Um,
- [Johnny] Whoa,
That's the scariest place in the whole prison,
Boo!
And for you,
Well go,
- Yeah, - Okay,
- And Luke, after you take her,
Be sure to come back right away,
I need you for some insurance polices,
- Yeah, but if the acid is as strong as you say it is,
how are we going to -
- Just shut your pie hole and get back here mucho fasto,
Now it's your turn my little trailer park princess,
Oo, that place has a lot of beds,
- So, am I supposed to be like Goldilocks or something?
- No, it's so we can ,,,
You know what, never mind,
Now open wide,
Won't be the last time I say that tonight,
- So, what do I do with my bags,
- What the hell?
What did you plan on going?
I told you to pack like you were camping,
- I really thought that you would have an RV,
You know, not the small one like my papaw lives in
you know, that sits on blocks and doesn't go anywhere,
but like, you know, one like Blake Shelton
might go on tour in,
Yeah,
- Nevermind,
You go ahead and have some fun,
Dr, Johnny will check up on you later,
- Wait, I thought that you went to law school,
[light exotic music]
[door slamming]
- And of course I save the least hottest for last,
Time to drop a little acid,
Now spin and take your hit,
- Give me the fucking bag of money,
Right now and I'll let your sorry ass live,
- They're like suites, okay,
Everything's fine Brittany,
Everything's fine,
At least we have electricity, that's good,
Oh, patient rooms, oxygen, okay,
My room, okay, no,
Oh, that's nice, clean, let nothing behind,
Okay,
It's for like a special meeting room or something,
- [laughing] You dumb bitch,
It ain't loaded,
See,
- It's just like your grandmother's house, you know,
the boogieman isn't real, it's all in your head,
[gunshot] [screaming]
Oh, Bambi,
I'm so sorry,
- Shit, oh shit,
- I swear to God I'm going to stop eating meat,
God, yes, Jesus, right,
If you pray to the Lord you won't get abducted by ghosts,
it makes sense,
Okay, you hear that ghosts?
You can't get me because I believe in God,
Jesus died for me,
Okay,
Oh my God, okay,
Oh, okay, everything's fine, it's not creepy at all,
See, he's just messing with you Brittany,
that's all it is ,,, Oh my God,
he gave you the one with the spa,
That sweet boy,
See, he's not all bad, you're fine Brittany, you're fine,
[exotic music]
[laughing]
- [Jennifer] So, what did he mean insurance policies?
- Oh, he just means like pranks and stuff like that,
- Does he scare us?
- Yeah, it's just masks and props and lights and,
it's kind of like a haunted house,
[magical music]
- Luke,
Luke, hey, you okay?
- Yeah,
Yeah, that acid's kicking in,
We need to go to our room,
I think this is the safest place,
- Johnny said this is the scariest place in the prison,
- Yeah, but it's the most secure,
- You're not going to try to scare me or freak me out right?
- No, I was actually thinking we could,
- Have you ever made love on acid on before?
- No,
- I think we should try to start this trip out right,
[screaming]
- Fuck Luke, - Goddammit,
- Why the fuck did you do that Luke?
- That wasn't me, I swear,
- God, you just said you help him
with his insurance policies,
- Yeah, but I think he does that to fuck with me
just as much as he does to fuck with you,
- Okay, alright, you know what Luke?
This is what you're going to do,
You're going to go out there
and you're going to help your brother scare the shit
out of those other girls so they lose,
- But what if he comes and scares you when I'm gone?
- Then you stay on his ass til those other girls are gone
and you get him so fucked up he passes out,
- Then what?
- Then we come back here, maybe I'll make a man out of you,
- Um, fuck, - Go,
- It's not bad at all,
You can do this Brittany,
Just like that time you stayed at that Hilton,
You know, you just never speak about it again,
That's real, that's real,
That's real, everything's okay,
You know what, it's okay,
Everything's fine, I'm fine, this is fine,
Okay,
Where's Aiesha when you need her?
[whistling]
Okay, okay,
Okay, that's good,
Okay,
Not what I signed up for but,
I mean, I really thought they would have a valet service,
Thank God, fresh sheets,
You think of everything Brittany,
See, people don't think you're smart,
I knew I forgot instructions,
Okay, how does Aiesha do it,
It's like,
you know, this is when you need Aiesha,
All she had to do was just come with me and do the sheets,
I don't really think that's too much to ask,
That's not right, we'll come back to that, okay,
It's fine,
Oh my God, I forgot about you,
Oh my gosh, oh happy day,
I'm going to name you Fredrick,
Where am I going to put you?
Okay,
Convenient,
You're real,
It smells like somebody died, but you won't, you won't,
Okay Fredrick, you sit there,
Okay, you can be my only friend tonight Fredrick,
Oh my God, you match!
We didn't even plan it,
Oh my God, it's like we were meant to be,
Seriously Fredrick, nobody understands me the way you do,
Do you love it?
I know, thank you,
Thank you so much, I do think it brings out my eyes,
You are so sweet,
He's not even going to be mad that
I bought them on his Planex card,
Okay,
- Ah yeah, she was wearing this black lace outfit
and these tight little jeans
and just started to shimmy right out of them,
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
No one wants to see that,
What happened to Aiesha?
- Oh yeah, Aiesha, yeah, yeah,
I was getting to that, I was getting to that,
It's cool, it's cool,
Alright, so check it out,
Johnny was knocked slapped the fuck out, right
and he's in this naughty dream with this disgusting shit,
whatever the fuck Johnny dreams of,
[lullaby music]
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
- Luke! Luke!
Where are you man, come on!
Luke!
Where are you, you pussy?
[eerie dramatic music]
- Johnny, looks like you're in a bit of a pickle, my friend,
What you need is a spiritual awakening,
Won't you come over here,
Take this iowaska,
Go bone that hippy chick,
Stop worrying about that dead girl,
She ain't going anywhere,
Go have some fun,
- Thanks, iowaska shaman,
["Rigoletto"]
[upbeat dance music]
- Hey,
- Oh my God, you came, I didn't think you could make it,
- How could I ever let you down?
- Look what he did, isn't this amazing?
- Ah, Delilah, you always see the best in people,
I think you need to look a little closer,
- Oh, Delilah, are you ready to find God yet?
- I don't want him to see me,
- No, wait,
- Hey, flower girl,
Have you found your lord and savior?
[laughing]
- He's right in front of me,
- You ever hear of iowaska?
This'll make you see the universe,
- Oh yeah,
Wait,
I have a secret I've never told you about,
- Oh, wait, you're not a dude are you?
- Is that a problem?
Just kidding, silly,
[laughing]
Someone's here with me, - Oo,
- And she's just like me only naughtier,
- You mean like a naughty twin?
- You want me to bring her out?
- I'm scared but yeah baby,
Bring that naughty twin out,
- [Dad] She's starts shaking her ass
and crawling real slow underneath the table,
All of a sudden,
- So, why is she crawling under the table?
- It's for dramatic effect, moron,
- You need another beer,
[upbeat dance music]
- This is the best ass ever,
- So, the basic conceptualization of the Copenhagen theory
is that all particles exist of waves of probability,
- Yes,
Now, apply that theory to larger articles,
- Oh,
["Allegro"]
- Check,
- Come on, cowboy, how about a little role in the hay?
- Don't mind if I do, little lady,
- Don't forget about me,
[horse neighing]
- Do you know, you kind of look like Jenny's groundskeeper,
I mean, he's kind of cute but he's a groundskeeper,
I mean, I would never,
I did let him watch me sunbathe though once,
So, tell me, how much do professors make, hmm?
- [Luke] Jennifer,
Come here, I want to show you something,
[loud bang] [screams]
[laughing] [deep laughing]
[loud bang] [whimpering]
[moaning] [goats bleating]
[eerie music]
[bells ringing]
[upbeat music]
[moaning]
- Johnny?
[groaning]
- What's your malfunction little brother?
Why are you interrupting something so beautiful?
- You told me to come back and help you
when I was done with Jennifer,
- Oh, yeah, right, How's that going?
- It's alright,
Hey, I found everyone except for Aiesha,
Do you know where she's at?
Oh, yeah, right,
Don't move,
When I come back, I'll help you find God,
Come on,
Luke, there's something I got to show you,
But you can't lose your shit,
- [Luke] Can't you just tell me?
- I got to show it to you,
And by the way, clean yourself up,
You look like a Chinese whore,
- Johnny? Johnny,
[suspenseful music]
- What the poop dick?
She was just right here,
- Who Johnny, what happened?
- Aiesha,
I fucking shot her,
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm fucking sure, look at all this blood,
- Johnny, maybe she crawled off somewhere,
Let's go find her,
- We have to finish her,
- What?
- Think about it,
Two white dudes trespassing in a prison
with a bunch of acid tripping chicks
and the one that dies is the black one,
- Yeah,
- We'll get the chair,
This isn't 1950s Alabama anymore, Luke,
- It's not, fuck,
What do you mean, trespassing?
- I broke in here stupid,
- I thought you said this was an Airbnb, Johnny?
- Yeah, Luke, got it through Airbnb,
Either way, we have to find her and we have to find her now
before someone finds her in the morning,
Shit,
I don't see the gun,
- Johnny, I don't see the fucking gun either man,
[screaming]
Oh, shit, it's Jennifer,
- Don't you even think about it,
You help your brother,
- [Luke] Bro, I'm out, bro,
- If I go down, you go down,
Find this walking problem,
- Oh yeah, no,
[suspenseful music]
- Professor?
Professor?
[screaming]
Who the hell are you?
Stranger danger, somebody help!
- You know exactly who I am, Brittany,
- No, I have no idea who you are,
- Really, - Mm-hmm,
- Cause I know you,
I've seen you rummaging around Johnny's house
looking for a safe when you thought no one was watching,
- How the fuck did you ,,, Okay, you know what,
I was doing that because I just needed to -
- I know exactly what you were doing,
Which is why I made damn sure all of you were here tonight
to atone for your sins,
That's why I made sure Johnny got those little party favors,
- Oh my God, it was you, you're the devil, it was your acid,
[laughing]
[screaming]
- Enjoy the rest of your night Britt brat,
Or what's left of it,
[water running]
[loud banging]
[warfare sounds]
[classical music]
[warfare sounds]
- Aiesha?
Aiesha?
Where are you my sneaky succubus?
[screaming]
- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
He didn't see us, he didn't see us, he didn't see us
and it's fine Brittany,
you're fine, you're fine, you're fine,
- Brittany, what's wrong with you?
- Oh, the devil, the devil, the devil, he was chasing me,
- What?
The devil, the devil, the one on the acid pack,
he came to me and he told me that
I'm going to pay for my sins,
- Maybe it was the acid,
- No, no listen, this was real, he was real,
- Brittany, listen to me,
All you have to do is say,
"Johnny's got the biggest cock I've ever seen,"
I can make this all go away,
- I am not quitting Johnny, fuck you
and where have you been, huh?
You been out there screwing Delilah?
- Screwing with her baby, you know I don't like to lose,
- You know what, I'm not quitting, okay,
So, if you need me,
I am going to be standing right here in this corner
having the greatest psychedelic experience ever,
Did you know that the word psychedelic
derives from the Greek word meaning mind or feeling?
Yep, the professor taught me that,
Although now I don't know, I don't know,
I think the devil might have him under some kind of
mind control or something,
[crying]
He's my friend,
- You haven't seen Aiesha have you?
- What the maid?
No!
But you know what if I had I would tell you
because you know what, that bitch would be disqualified
because she's out of her area right?
What did she spin?
- Uh, [loud bang]
[screams] Forgot I rigged that,
I need to go check on Luke's yoga pants,
- Okay, it's fine, you're fine, you're fine,
Oh God, there you are professor,
I was worried,
[eerie music]
- [whispering] I can't wait to wear you skin,
[panting]
[whispering]
- [Devil] Over here,
[evil laughing]
[screams]
[dark music]
[banging] [screams]
[climatic music]
[screaming]
- Jennifer, Jennifer,
Jennifer, Jennifer,
Jennifer,
How am I supposed to win
if you sit her cowering like an idiot,
[grunting]
- Step outside Jennifer,
[panting]
- I know who you are,
You're not going to fool me,
- Wait, who are the people with the devil?
- Seriously, you are like
the worst fucking story listener ever,
You don't need to know every little detail as it happens,
Pay attention, it's called a set up okay, shut up,
Alright, where was I,
Oh, yeah, yeah,
The devil,
- You want me to lose,
I bet you Johnny paid you to come here and mess with us,
He's probably the one that put your face on the acid, right?
- You all think this is Johnny's game but it's not,
This is my game,
[panting]
Not very smart Jennifer,
This is an abandoned prison,
I don't think anyone has keys to this cell,
- Yeah, but you know what?
That means I can't leave,
Which means we win, huh?
- We?
Interesting,
You and Luke are in this together,
Have a good night Jennifer,
[suspenseful music]
- Oh, señor Johnny?
Señor Johnny?
Wake up, señor Johnny
Oh, señor Johnny?
Señor Johnny?
Wake up, señor Johnny,
- Lucia?
- Señor Johnny, you don't have time for a nap,
you have to wake up,
You have work to do,
- I do? - Mm-hmm,
You have to go find Aiesha and bury her,
- [Johnny] You're right,
- Oh, señor Johnny, one more thing,
Here's your fucking wooden spoon,
[dramatic music]
- Fuck yes, there is a God,
[upbeat dance music]
[opera music]
- Luke! Luke!
Wake the fuck up,
What the fuck is wrong with you?
- Wake up, you pussy,
I need your help,
- Johnny, the devil's here,
- What the hell are you talking about?
- The devil from the acid, he's here,
- It's the acid, stupid,
Now get up, I found Aiesha,
- Oh, great, where is she?
- Dead,
- Now, I need you to go get the shovel,
meet me back here, we have to bury her,
[suspenseful music]
- Why do you let your brother treat you that way, Luke?
- Fuck,
Uh, this isn't happening, you're not real, right?
- Touch me, Luke,
- Fuck, - Touch me,
- Fuck, - Touch me, Luke,
- I'm not touching you,
I'm not touching you,
Fuck, I'm not touching you,
- Do it, - Fuck!
[snickering]
Johnny, what are you doing man?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- It looks like you're playing golf,
Where's Aiesha, we don't have time for this,
- Shit, you're right,
I have to go disqualify those two twats
before I get Rick Ross,
Start digging,
- Johnny,
Johnny, we fucked up bad man,
The devil's here and he's going to fucking kill us,
- Will you shut up about that devil shit,
The devil is not real,
He's a fucking dealer mark on a fucking acid,
Nothing more,
Now I'm going and try to screw Delilah one more time,
get her disqualified,
Then I'm going to bang Brittany, get her disqualified
and then I'm going to bring Aiesha's body back here
and if that is not taken care of by the time I get back,
I'm going to triple dip Jennifer,
So, if you want first crack at it get that done
or I'm going to go Gulliver's Travels on your ass,
- Alright,
- You got something to say to me littler brother,
- No,
- That's what I thought,
["Rigoletto"]
[upbeat dance music]
- Delilah? - Yeah?
- Do you want to feel the ultimate power?
- Whoa, yeah,
[laughing]
- To gain something, you must sacrifice something,
- What do I have to sacrifice?
- Your innocence,
- That's part of who I am, that's my soul,
- Don't you want to be powerful like me?
- [Johnny] Oh Delilah, your king has returned,
- [Delilah] Hey, Johnny,
Come over here and let Delilah show you
what you've been missing,
[moaning]
- [Female] Johnny has the biggest cock I've ever seen,
- You hear that? - Mm-mm,
- They're calling me,
Don't you see, I won?
All I have to do is disqualify those two chicks
and then I'm going to come back and take care of
you in more ways than one,
This'll be the easiest year yet,
Praise be the devil's acid,
- Praise be the devil's acid,
Praise be the devil's acid,
[upbeat dance music]
Praise be the devil's acid,
[laughing]
[eerie music]
- It is time for us to sacrifice your innocence,
[chanting]
[groaning]
[chanting]
[moaning]
- No, no,
[screaming]
- [TV Commentator] Three down, oh what a save!
Cleared but not out,
Another shot blocked,
- I think you might want to lighten this up a bit?
- [TV Commentator] Mask out,
Stolen and clear to the center down the ice,
There's just hanging on now with 2:3 -
- Right, right, um,
Luke,
Oh, Luke, that's right,
Luke was about to get the fuck out of dodge, right,
He was going to get Jessica and go get the money
and just get the hell out of there, fuck this shit,
But he's tripping his balls off,
He's high as a motherfucking kite, right,
He runs in the dining room to get the money,
but there's a little problem once he gets there,
- Ah, god dog it, what the fuck's this, no way,
Oh, no,
[grunting]
- I've got plenty of girls left
and you're not going to stop me,
[grunting]
You weighed like an elephant,
Stop eating all that chicken,
- [Aiesha] Why won't you make love to me, Johnny?
- It's because you're black,
I don't pork black chicks,
- [Aiesha] We're all pink on the inside, Johnny,
- Are you?
I've never seen one,
I guess I was just afraid of the truth,
- Go on, take a peek,
I'm dead and I won't mind,
- Yeah, yeah you are,
[angelic music]
[laughing]
[rap music]
- Boys!
Now, Mr, Fonzworth, I have told you a million times
you cannot speak to me that way,
I am a respectable nurse and you're too disrespectable,
Now, Mr, Hank, you cannot put that in the back door
for that extra 20,
But I will let you put that finger someplace really special
for that, but you have to be gentle,
[exotic music]
[primate sounds]
- Babe,
How did you get in there?
Is there a key?
Do you have keys?
I'm going to get you some keys,
I'm going to go get the keys and I'll be back, okay,
- Johnny,
Johnny
What the fuck, man?
- I know,
I know what this looks like,
I can explain,
- Johnny, this is unexplainable, man,
Where are the keys, Jennifer's locked in her cell?
- You're right, brother,
I have the keys,
I have the keys to her heart,
Less burning repentance, purify lonesome candles,
I'm sorry, Aiesha,
We're not meant to be together,
- Focus man, where are the keys?
Jennifer's locked in her cell, I need to get her out,
- I am focused, little brother,
You need enlightenment,
The force is with you, Luke,
- Hey, Johnny,
Or should I call you, Mr, Johnny?
- Delilah?
Is this your new friend?
Are you cheating?
You know, since you left, you're technically disqualified,
What the fuzz?
I'm not into that shit,
- Funny, your browser history says otherwise,
- Man, look, I don't even know why I'm talking to you,
This shit isn't real,
- Johnny, now the game begins,
- The game began a couple hours ago ass clown,
- [Deer] Alright, alright, alright,
What you going to do now, Luke?
- I have to find keys and let Jennifer out,
- [Deer] Yeah, man,
That's exactly what you got to do,
But you going to need some money,
- Maybe we can sell the dildos and make some money,
- [Deer] Yeah, man, that's a good idea,
See, you're not as dumb as people make you out to be,
- I'm a good person,
- Nice taxidermy,
- Thanks, man,
What the fuck?
Why don't you just go away?
- You boys want to play a game,
so that's what we're playing,
I'm just here to make sure everything's on the up and up,
[bells ringing]
- You're just a hallucination,
I'm tripping my balls off, that's all,
- I really don't want to hurt you, Luke,
You seem nice enough and I don't think you meant
to cause anybody any harm,
But you're involved with some really bad people,
Against my better judgment, I'm trying to let you off,
if you just leave now,
Fine, suit yourself, Luke,
By the way, one of your charges got loose,
They don't look too happy,
- Fuck!
- Oh, Delilah, your king has returned,
[suspenseful music]
- Shit!
- [Deer] Stand up for yourself, Luke,
- What?
- [Deer] Go on man, you can do it?
You heard me, stand up for yourself,
You can take her, go on,
- Yeah, you're right, I can,
[groaning]
Fuck, Delilah!
Shit, I'm sorry,
- What the fuck?
[grunting]
- Oh, fuck,
- [Deer] That a boy, Luke, you did it,
I'm proud of you boy,
Now, go and find Jennifer before Johnny fucks her,
[keys rattling]
- Open B112,
Damnest thing,
they left these laying up there in the control center,
There are guard uniforms laying everywhere,
They just walked off and left the place,
- [Jennifer] I'm ready, padre,
- I think it's time for you to join the festivities,
- Dead man walking,
[chattering]
[door slamming]
- I'm sorry, Luke,
I'm sorry I used you,
I should've told you I used to fuck Johnny,
I was just trying to get even
and I was using you to do that,
[panting]
I was going to take the money and move to Mexico,
But now they're giving me the needle,
- Did you say you fucked Johnny?
- Yeah,
And I'll tell you something,
[laughing]
He really does have the biggest cock I've ever seen,
You're a pussy, Luke,
You always have been and you always will be,
- Sweetie,
Babe,
I'm going to fucking kill you,
How does my fucking pussy feel now?
- Ewe, gross, so, Jennifer fucked Johnny?
- No, try to keep up okay,
- This is Luke's acid trip,
He's fucking tripping his balls off, alright,
It's not what she's actually saying,
- Oh,
- And watch your fucking language,
- [Devil] Push!
[screaming]
Yeah, come on, it's the biggest shit
you've ever taken in your life, come on,
[screaming]
Push!
There, there it is!
[screaming]
- Hi, mommy, I think it's time to breastfeed,
[laughing] [screaming]
Mommy, I love you,
[evil laughing]
I brought you a teddy bear,
[laughing]
- [Brittany] Johnny has the biggest cock I've ever seen!
Johnny has the biggest cock I've ever seen!
Professor!
Anybody?
Fuck!
- [Johnny] Mommy,
- The door's locked!
- [Johnny] I'm coming for you,
- Johnny, you're so big, I swear to God,
Oh my God, no engagement ring is worth this,
I hate him, I hate him,
Oh my God, I should've seen this coming,
[frantic chattering]
[yelling]
[frantic chattering]
- You know what would be really cool?
If the twins grabbed her out of the cabinet,
made out with her and then sliced her throat,
- It's fine, it's fine, shh, shh,
Why does it smell like fucking vomit?
Oh my God,
[groaning]
- You could have at least waited til I kissed her,
- It's not too late,
- Fuck it,
- What?
No, that can't, there's no twins,
- The twinS at the demon baby birth,
- It's a split personality,
Don't you get it?
The sacrifice? It was all in her head?
Do you understand what I'm saying?
- I like the twins idea,
- What, no [stammering],
No, the demon baby crawled in the cabinet with her,
[screaming] [crunching]
["Miranda Part 2"]
♪ Oh Lord, it feels like I'm dying ♪
♪ You got to help, help me out
♪ I'm falling through the view
♪ It's blurring into you
♪ Am I sorry
♪ I tried my best for to understand ♪
♪ Tell the burning bush
♪ Ate the fruit in hand
♪ Two by two
♪ Ushered from a promised man
♪ Holy sweet
♪ You swallow me
♪ Holy sweet - Johnny?
Johnny?
♪ Will it do it, do
♪ Will it see me through
♪ Oh, lord, it feels like I'm dying ♪
♪ You got to help, help me out
♪ I'm falling through the view
♪ It's blurring into you
♪ Am I sorry
[rattling]
Fuck!
[yelling]
[fast paced music]
[screaming]
[opera music]
[fast paced music]
- Oh look, your brother's asleep,
Well, so, Luke bashes Johnny's head with a golf club,
everyone lives happily ever after, the end,
Now go to bed,
- What, no, that can't be the ending, that sucks,
So what if ,,,
[upbeat music]
- Hey bro, we should probably get out of here,
Delilah's gone crazy,
And I murdered Jennifer,
Something's wrong with Brittany too,
- I'll say something's wrong,
She has no fucking head,
- Oh, goddamn,
Poor girl,
- Did you do that?
- No, I only killed Jennifer,
- What?
- Because you fucked her,
- What?
[groaning]
[dramatic music]
Man, you seriously cannot handle your drugs,
Jennifer,
- Oo, then the twins show up,
And they all start making out,
- [Johnny] Yeah, that's what I'm talking -
- There are no twins,
- I really want there to be twins,
What if the twins kill Johnny?
- There's no fucking twins!
- Oo, what if Aiesha's brother shows up?
- Oh, son, they need to calm down,
Things are getting a little too out of control over here,
- Come to avenge your sister?
- What?
- No,
- Just spit-balling here,
- Listen to the story,
Okay, wait, where were we,
See the groundskeeper comes down from the tower,
Which was fucking stupid, - Calm down man,
What are you doing?
- Here's Johnny,
[grunting]
- [Son] Oh, this is where the devils sidekicks show up,
- [Dad] Oh, shit, I almost forgot, you're right, the setup,
[yelling]
- What the unholy hell? - Oh my God,
[gunshot]
- [Son] I knew Aiesha was the devil,
- [Dad] Oh, look at you, fucking genius, now shut up,
- What the fuck just happened?
- Did you put real bullets in that?
- You think I'm going to walk around here wearing a mask
scaring a bunch of white folk without some protection,
- Man, that's shame about Dale,
- Why'd he have to leave the guard tower anyway?
This fool would have been lights out
in another five minutes,
- Damn,
- Oh, once a hippy, always a hippy,
- That stupid motherfucker,
Well, come on, let's go,
You get the money from Johnny's safe?
- [Lucia] Easy peasy,
- And the code? - What else?
- 696969, - Predictable,
[speaking in foreign language]
- Wait, what was the point of the story?
- Isn't it obvious?
- Don't be an asshole?
- No, don't do drugs,
Go to bed,
[speaking in foreign language]
Coming me amour,
[rock music]
[exhaling]
- [Jennifer] Hello?
Hello?
Is anyone there?
Did I win?
- You want to be the husband or the wife?
- The husband,
- Good, now get down and suck your wife's dick?
- Oh, man,
Oh, okay,
[evil laughing]