Hey, Peter! Come on, he's calling you!
Hurry it up,
Did you guys try smelling this herb?
I'm taking some to try out later, It is different,
Guys, heads up, This here is,,,
a Syrian bread, You eat it with hummus and stuff,
Everyone breaks their own bread, Come on, now!
Don't sit down, I want to make a toast, Everybody, up!
I'm making a toast! The night is just getting started!
Watch out, world!
What's going on?
Shut up, Thomas, Just go back to sleep,
It's like the Wall of Jericho came crashing down my head,
What the hell?
What is it?
What the hell is going on?
Guess we went a little too hard at last night's farewell party,
We could ask Jesus to do one of those hangover healing tricks,
Where is Jesus?
Probably laying around here somewhere,
I can't remember a single thing about last night,
I remember we had dinner, and there was bread,,,
and a shit ton of wine!
Guys, I can't find Jesus,
-Did you try the toilet? -Don't go there, There's a tiger in it,
-Say what? -Yeah,
Judas,
Judas! Hey, Judas!
Judas is out cold,
If he's out cold, then we really went hard last night,
-James, -Yes?
-No, the other James, -What's going on?
-Think you know where Jesus is? -I remember him saying,,,
someone here would backstab him or something,
Yeah, he did say that, That was during dinner,
Can you get us some olive oil? Bread with nothing on it is shit,
-Are you splitting the bill? -It's all on him,
Also some butter, come on,
Can we begin the supper already? The food we brought is getting cold,
-The food you brought? What? -Not yet,
First, I would like to say a few words because actually,
this shall be our Last Supper,
Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me,
-No way! -Hey, 'sup, guys? Did I miss anything?
Hush, Judas, Jesus is saying someone's betraying him,
Good God! Did he say who?
Not yet, That's when you got here,
Give us a hint, Is he a tall guy?
No, The person who'll betray me knows who they are,
-I'm sorry, Jesus! -Easy, there,,,
Mary Magdalene said she wasn't going to tell you!
-Say what? -It happened way before
your "throw the first stone" spiel!
I didn't even know you, It was just one time!
A friend had gone there before, It was just once!
It's okay, Thomas,
-It was before, and just once,,, -Three times,
Three times, No biggie,
-Four, at most! -Four is perfectly fine,
It was 37 times! Please, forgive me!
She does stuff that completes me! Roman bonfires and stuff!
-I couldn't resist! -What's a "Roman bonfire"?
And it wasn't just me here who did it! I'm dragging you all down with me!
-Just let him speak, -It wasn't you, Thomas, Relax,
Look, Jesus, if this is about your mother, I was drunk,,,
Guys, I'm gonna die!
-Oh, my God! -Hang in there!
He's choked on something!
Rain your blessings and love over us,,,
Cut it out, you nutcases! Just wait!
-He's back! It's a miracle! -A miracle of God!
Stop kissing me! Always with the kissing!
Calm down! See? I'm fine!
I'm saying that soon, I'll be losing my life,
I told you! It's Jesus' habit
of touching beggars and lepers and stuff!
He hugged Lazarus, for God's sake!
He was literally rotten! Dead for six days!
I said, "Heal him from afar, Jesus!"
But no, you just had to hug him, and be "accessible" and "open,"
That habit of kissing feet and the ground? That's what you get!
Calm down, Let's take it slow,
I'm trying to say I want you to carry on my word,
-I'm sorry, which word? -My word,
-You say so many words,,, -All of them!
-But which ones shouldn't we carry? -They're all okay,
-You want me to write them down? -No, thanks,
-I'd like that,,, -Let's eat! We'll remember it as we go,
-Remember what now? -My words,
-Why? -Because I'm going to die,
-No way! -I just said that!
Sorry, my mind was somewhere else,
Guys? Sorry for interrupting your conversation,
-Do you have salt? That other table,,, -We can't have anything on the table,
No salt, no straws,
-Sorry, -It's fine,
You're on edge 'cause you're dying, right? Sorry, by the way,
It's fine, And don't touch me, Personal space, much?
Anyway,
So that this moment is forever remembered,,,
Come here, He's a friend of mine, A bonafide painter,
Good with his hands, He'll paint us a nice picture,
Right, Jair?
Great guy, He is out there,
Come over to this side, you guys, Let's all line up,
Can I ask just one thing? Can I sit here? Just this once?
Everybody freeze!
Sorry,
-Is this going to take long? -I'm still on the first Apostle,
Calm your tits,
Why are we doing this again?
Because my mother wants a memento from me,
and she came with this creepy talk about shrouds,
pretty morbid stuff, Sweaty cloth, or something,
So I suggested a nice picture instead, so she'll remember me after I die,
You're going to die?
For God's sake, Don't you hear any thing we say?
We'll write it down later,
It's all blurred now! You guys need to stay still!
Jeez! You guys are like little kids,
How are you going to handle my departure?
By hanging your heads against the wall?
Will I have to come back, fix everything, die again, come back again?
Drop that! No eating!
-Everybody, freeze! -In that same pose?
We'll have a caricature artist later, You'll love him, Great guy,
-Did anyone pay that painter? -I did,
Well, look at the shit job he did!
Fucking asshole, man,
We spent like an hour stuck in that pose,
Thaddaeus sprained his jaw, He might never speak again!
So, when did things go off the rails?
-James? -Yes?
-The other one, -Yeah?
Jesus told us to each bring a dish, Which one did you bring?
I brought chicken salad,
I brought fish,
I,,,
Thomas!
I,,,
I can explain it,
Can we set the food on the table and get this supper started?
God, yes!
Oh, we're missing just one thing,
Prayer,
We don't need to do it, I'm here, It's implicit,
You were the one who taught me we should always say our thanks,
Even with you here, we should direct it towards Him,
Sweet merciful Father,,,
Just focus on the pain,,,
Fine, Let's do it, Say your grace,
-Can I start? -Sure,
I'm nervous,
-Thank you, O Lord, for,,, -He loved it, Great job, Let's eat,
Let's get this shit started!
What's that?
This is Jerusalem coke, Galilean hashish,,,
Wait, what is that?
I've brought some vinaigrette,
Is it dosed with something?
Just bell peppers and onions,
I thought this was a party!
I asked each person to bring something to eat,
-But you said it was a "supper," -And it is, It is a supper,
You know, a "supper," I thought that was just a nickname,
since some people here are married and stuff, So, "Let's eat 'supper'!"
Did I do the air quotes when I invited you?
Like, "Thomas, let us eat 'supper'?"
No, you didn't, I mean, that would be too on the nose,
-You just said, "Let's have supper," -And that's what we're having,
Who does suppers anymore? It's such an old-fashioned thing!
-I do, -We do supper every day at home,
It's a farewell supper, That's it,
I focused on the "farewell" part,
-Too bad I've already called the girls, -What "girls"?
Is this where there's a "supper" going on?
Look at her, My sexy rogue!
-I mean,,, -Come on, spread out!
-What is this, Magdalene? -I thought you'd left,
I told you I was going to leave on Sunday!
-You just had to invite her? -She had the others' contact info,
You gave everything you had to the poor, and I had to pay for our candles,
I can handle myself, Buddha's wife kept waiting for her inheritance
-and that fucked her up good, -But I was going to give you powers,,,
I'm quite empowered already, love, I don't need no man,
Yeah, so, So glad you came and all,
but this was all a misunderstanding, Grab your friends and,,,
Well, guys, I can take away the girls, but I can't pay back the money,
-It's okay,,, -Hold up, guys,
-If it's paid for already,,, -Exactly!
Is this a "supper" or what?
That's the thing, Maddie, It isn't,
It's a fucking farewell party!
Relax, Jesus, By tomorrow morning, no one will remember a thing,
That's when Jesus started drinking!
-He was so upset, -I mean, how could he not be?
Sorry, but I'm 42, I'm old, I could be someone's great-grandparent,
"Farewell" means something else for me!
But seriously, though, where's Jesus?
Judas is still blacked out,
Forget him, He was the only one who didn't like the party,
He's fucking lame,
Hey, wasn't that when Jesus started getting all bummed out?
-Why does she do that to me, Judas? -You're too good for her,
Dude, I gave her everything!
Women don't like nice guys, They like assholes!
-Where is she? -She's in the room,
Try talking to her, Thomas!
Sure, I'll just wait for Peter to be done trying to convince her,
She is relentless!
-See? -I've talked to her three times!
-I'll try talking to her, -Talk to her!
I'll give her some hard truths!
-James! -Yes?
-The other James! -Yes?
-Let's convince her together! -Right,
-You know what? You, too, James, -Really?
Those are some good pals!
I'm so praising you guys, You'll go down in history!
-Go with them, Judas! -No, I probably shouldn't,
Why not? Why don't you want to go?
There are too many guys there convincing her,
-You can give them a push! -She can't handle another push,
You don't like me, You were never my friend,
-No, I do, I love you, man! -Not my friend!
-You've never rooted for us! -I've always rooted for Jesus,
Have I ever told you that love parable about the man and the donkey?
-Yes, -With the mountain and the pole?
-Multiple times, -Once upon a time,
Isaac told the shepherd--
Would it cost you to go upstairs?
-Actually, yes, Ten gold coins, -Say what?
-God, is it hard to convince her? -I know! She's full of arguments!
Where's that stuff Thomas brought by mistake?
-Over there, -No, don't do it,,,
Isn't this a farewell party? So I'm kissing my shit goodbye!
Thomas! You know Jesus can't hold his stuff,
And Magdalene wasn't holding punches,
So, do we have any kind of evidence?
-I can't find Bartholomew, either, -Maybe he's with Jesus,
Wasn't he with Jesus during that fight?
Fight?
What fight?
Is this your card?
Listen to this, I've heard just now that the Son of God is leaving!
Yep, he is,
What a bummer,
But I've got some good news to cheer you guys up!
From today on, I'll be taking that position!
You go, Bartholomew!
She forgot my name, It's Diego,
-Diego! -But from now on, call me Messiah!
Yeah, a 2,0 version of the old one,
-What's his name again? -Jesus?
The guy who had that thing-- turning water into wine?
Well, look at my hand, guys, It goes up, and up,,,
a free round of gin and tonics and martinis for everybody!
-Free? -I'll pay you later,
-You do miracles, too? -Yes, I do!
Look, thumb's off, thumb's back, See? It's back already!
-How'd you do that? -Son of God, baby!
That's a cheap trick!
He just does this with his fingers,
Come here, let me talk to you, Look, I grabbed his nose!
He got his nose!
-It's his nose! -My nose is right here,
No, it's only back there now! Breathe, child!
-My nose was already on my face! -Chill, yo! And it wasn't,
Focus here, guys, Just standard procedure,
I'll need some offerings from you,
We'll need some food and money for the road,,,
-Can I get a hallelujah? -Hallelujah!
Don't give money to him!
-He's a fraud! -He said he's the Son of God,
-Thank you! -So we just have to say that?
Then sure, I'm the Son of God!
He's the Son of God, too!
But he can't pull a coin out of the pretty lady's ear!
What's going on here?
You decided to leave, so Diego and Judas are trying to take your place,
What the hell, Judas?
You got it all wrong! People think this guy is the Son of God now,
-They said they're Sons of God! -There's only one Son of God,
See? He recognizes it! Cute, isn't it?
Bro, don't even get me started, I've healed lepers,
Wow, he's healed lepers! But can you do this?
I've resurrected people, Can't compare that with the cloth trick,
He's resurrected people! Then I'll do him the card one, Pick one!
-There's only one Son of God! -That's true!
-And that's me! -Then we're brothers!
Don't waste your time on him!
-Listen, pal, -What?
-Do you know God? -Of course, I do!
-Then how is He? -Well,,, He's good-looking!
-What else? -He's strong!
-What about His face? -His face,,,?
You're asking a lot of questions, It seems like you don't know Him,
Asking me about God's face? Don't you know God, Jesus?
-Don't waste your time on him! -I talk to God all the time!
Do you?
-Well, He gave me a chalice, -Is this guy for real?
A Holy Chalice!
The chalice was already here!
-And here's another chalice! -He's multiplied the chalices!
The second chalice was already there!
-And they're gone now! Where are they? -They're up in Heaven now!
-You're an ass, -You're the ass!
-You're an ass times two, -You're an ass times infinity,
You're an ass infinity times infinity,
And you're four times more of an ass than that, I won!
-Oh, yeah? -What?
-You're a douche, -No, you, Look, it's a David Sling!
Look, it's a miracle!
Miracle? Here comes the Holy Spirit all up in your ass!
Look, it's an apple! Adam, Eve, and,,,
Let me just take King Solomon's Treasure!
I know what you said, I won't ask "what,"
-I didn't say "what"! -Gotcha!
Fucked ya in Egypt, say what?
Ditto with rice on top, say what?
-What a fuckwad! -Dumbass,
You're the dumbass!
-You should turn the other cheek! -I'm turning around on his cheek!
Jesus! You always do that! Want to bring down my tavern?
-What the hell do you think you're doing? -Go back to your stupid tricks!
Diego!
Stupid fucking tricks!
Forget this guy, He won't last,
You bet he won't,
Where's the air? Talk about weird!
Bartholomew!
You killed the guy!
You can deal with it, right?
-By burying him? -No, feed him to the tiger,
-What tiger? -The tiger in the bathroom,
There's no tiger in the--
-There's a tiger in the bathroom, -Take him, then I'll undo the tiger,
Here's the thing, Master, I don't want to overstep my boundaries,
but why don't you make the guy vanish?
Why make a tiger to eat him, and then unmake the tiger?
Listen up, Bart,
This guy in front of you now isn't the New Testament of God,
who's all cute and fun and talks to people over mountains,
and who has 12 pals, like Snow White's seven dwarves,
The God in front of you is the Old Testament's,
The one who throws golden calves off cliffs and kills whoever touches them,
The one who orders Abraham to kill his son,
But you did stop Abraham from killing his--
No?
You shouldn't believe everything you read,
He did kill him, with great prejudice, Chopped him up with a butter knife,
But then I gave him a cuter kid to adopt,
-That's true fatherhood, Now go, -My God,,,
Let's keep the party going with the only Son of God here!
Shit! Jesus killed that guy, And fed him to the tiger,
Hey, guys, What did I miss?
Where the hell were you, Bartholomew?
I was "concealing" a corpse,
-Where's Jesus? -We thought he was with you!
"Concealing a corpse"? But isn't the tiger in the toilet?
He's still there?
When I left to bury Diego, Jesus said he'd solve the tiger thing,
Where did you "conceal" this corpse? Over at Mesopotamia?
No, in the back, Have you ever dug a grave by yourselves?
Anyway, when did you last see Jesus?
Let me see, When the Romans came in,
Romans?
Jesus is our King!
-Jesus is our King! -Say what?
Jesus is our King!
Put me down!
-Oh, God! -Coming!
-Let me answer it, -No, I'll do it,
I'm just fine! I'll solve this in no time!
Everything will work out fine!
It's the Romans! Everybody, leave through the back,
I love them! I'll talk to them,
Just tidy things up a little, It's all good!
Come on, that won't do!
Guys, chill out! How do I look? Fine?
Well, maybe not "fine," but,,,
How about my breath?
-You're in no condition to-- -Don't be silly, Guys!
Chillax!
Now, Jesus will,,,
take the wheel!
Hello, Mr, Roman, Welcome to our humble abode,
I choose God
God is my friend
What the fuck is going on here?
We are gathered here to pray,
all with a lot if pomegranate, dates, gluten-free bread, love,
and zero hashish,
We were informed there was a party here,
Here? No way,
A party? In this peaceful environment?
This must be a mistake, Maybe some other tavern is throwing it,
It happens to all of us!
This one time, I tried resurrecting a guy, and it turned out he was just old,
It was here,
Documents, please,
We're good citizens, sir,
Is that wine?
A cup with every meal is good for the heart,
-One only, -Poundme!
-Pardon? -My colleague, Poundme,
Yes?
-Your name's "Pound Me"? -What's so funny about that?
Is his last name "Hard"?
What's the joke?
-It reminded us of this joke, you know, -What joke?
Internal joke, You had to be there,
-Now, Poundme! -Use a nickname, for God's sake!
You better respect me! I'm a relative of Biggus Dickus!
-Playtime's over, you bozos! -Hands on the table, now!
Come on!
"Poundme"!
Hands on the table, now!
Look forward, punk!
Come on, dude, Let us off the hook,
Shut up!
-Come on, pal,,, -"Pal" my ass! I'm not your pal!
-Son of a bitch! -That's abuse of power!
I'm gonna raise my little hand, ya hear?
I'll work my magic!
-What's that over there? -It's nothing,
-It's nothing! -He's just a buddy of ours!
He doesn't look like he's sleeping,
He just had too much to drink and passed out!
He is dead,
Dead? What the hell did you do?
-You're all getting stoned and,,, -The fuck?
I was taking such a nice nap, What happened?
-See? He's alive, -Forget the drunkard, Poundme,
"Pound Me"? Your name is,,,
That hurts!
He's the one doing that!
-Messing with my insides,,, -Are you okay?
I'm not! Just when I'm getting near the light, he brings me back,,,
There it is!
It is his doing! God, this burns like shit!
Just let me go already, you bastard!
I'm getting there now! Someone pull me,,,
Legs open, smartass!
-Come on,,, -Legs, open!
-What are you guys up to? -What's this in your pocket?
Just a loaf of bread I keep there,
Two buns, Three buns, Four buns,
Are you making fun of me, damn it? You want to get it?
Bun it up, All up in my buns,
You messing with me? Want to say that to my fists?
Who do you think you're talking to?
Who the fuck you think you're talking to?
Excuse me?
Do you know who my father is?
Hope it's God, 'cause you're in deep shit,
It's Joseph!
-Joseph the carpenter? -Joseph the carpenter!
You're Joseph the carpenter's son?
How's that for you?
Hey, Poundme,
You know that table in my place? His dad made it!
-And I bet it was with patina, -It was a combo deal,
-He's great with patina, -Best in the land!
I stopped buying from him because he became expensive,
'Course it did! Quality comes with a price,
Bet that table will last 'till your next generation,
I'll abstain from kicking your ass out of respect for Joseph,
-Are we clear? -Yes, we are clear,
Good,
Thank you, sir, but what can we do to settle things on our end
so everyone can go home nice and happy?
Well, that's up to you,
The Legion needs some funds, Hard times and all,
Whatever you need, just say the word,
I don't know, What do you have to offer?
What a coincidence! Our buddy there, the drunk one,
just before he blacked out, he said his dream was to make a donation,
-Right, James? -Yeah!
-The other James, -Yes?
-Wasn't his dream to make a donation? -Which one?
-That bag of coins Diego had,,, -Oh, yes!
The donation he wanted to make to the Roman Legion!
-Of course! -Now we're talking!
Just let me find it,
Altruism's great, Helping thy neighbor and all,
-Here it is! -There we go,
Come on, Poundme! Have a nice one, guys,
-but this smartass is coming with me, -What? Why?
I need something to show to the Legion,
-That's excessive! -Come on, we had a deal!
No!
You can't leave, not before,,,
-Using our restroom! -Restroom?
It's great stuff, Porcelain walls, just amazing,
There's even ice cubes and lemon in the urinal, It's fun!
Plus, there's not a single decent bathroom
-from here to Jerusalem! -True that!
You'll have to poop in the woods and wipe it with myrrh,,,
So just use our restroom, It has candy!
Good idea,
Gotta fire some torpedoes,
Bust a grumpy one,
If you need to go, go now, Poundme!
No toilets on the road!
Okay, Fill this bag, It's only got 30 coins,
You betcha!
-Where's the bathroom door? -Right there!
Can't miss it,
-This one? -Yes, that one!
-But shut the door behind you! -Right,
Happy now? Now the tiger's full
and won't eat stupid Diego!
-Bartholomew! Bury that sack of crap, -Aw, man,,,!
-I'm sorry, -Shut up,
Guys! Automatic wine refill!
Whoever chugs it first wins! Let's do it!
Stop! This is the last round, you hear?
-Aw, shit! -How could you lose Jesus?
That's what we're trying to figure out,
-James? -Yes?
Dude, it's never you! Whenever someone says, "James,"
it's the other James! No one cares about you! Or likes you!
You're the most uninteresting person here!
"Soraya" would be more evocative of you than "James"!
People say "James"? It's always the other one!
-Don't listen to him, -Thomas is so rude today!
I did mean the smaller James,
See? What is it?
-Get me some water, yeah? -Okay,
Maybe some more Romans came in and took Jesus,
-We would know if they did, -Would we?
And now news from Judas, Wake up, damn it!
When did Judas get drunk? When I left, he was still sober,
Here's your water,
What the fuck?
-Jesus? -No, it's the tavern's owner,
How did he end up hanging from the ceiling?
I'm gonna fucking murder you--
Easy there! Temper!
I'd be mad, too, By the smell of it, he tried crapping before pissing on us,
-There, speak, -I'ma shove a cactus up your asses!
-Easy, man, -"Easy," my ass!
I was stuck up there for eight hours!
-How did you get up there? -It was that son of a bitch's idea!
-What son of a bitch? -Jesus!
You can't call Jesus a son of a bitch!
-Whose idea? -One of your drunk asses, maybe?
So you're saying we tied you up there?
-It was James's dare, -Me?
No, the other one, He gave Jesus the idea,
-I'm fucking clueless again, -James can't do dares,
You're after Jesus, right? You should,
After that "spin the bottle," shit got real,
Spin it, and,,, stop!
Truth or dare?
I dunno, Truth, Why not?
Peter, which Apostle would you screw?
Come on, guys, don't ask that, It's not cool,
Oh, no, now it's getting fun!
He can't answer that, We're all pals here, how could we choose,,,?
-Thaddaeus, -You go, Thaddaeus!
You're getting some tonight!
Thaddaeus?
Yeah, Thaddaeus, I had to choose, so I chose him,
You had 11 options and you chose Thaddaeus,
the Apostle who hasn't said a thing all night?
A supporting character at best, an extra at worst?
Sorry, but you are, You're just here 'cause Jesus wanted 12,
Hey, Thaddaeus is cool!
Yeah, he's cool, but you know, so is Thomas,
James is cool, too, We all are, Don't you think so?
Come on, man, relax, It's just a game!
Fuck that! If Peter has a fling with Thaddaeus, I want to know why!
Answer it, Peter! You picked "truth," so tell it,
What is going on here?
Well, Jesus, Peter is throwing away four years of,,,
Hey! Guys! Look at the bottle!
-It's Judas's turn! -Judas!
-Sorry, I was about to leave, -Wait up! What gives?
I'm tired, I have to get up early tomorrow, so,,,
-Just one last drink! -I didn't even have a first drink,
-You're such a stick in the mud! -No, I just can't handle my alcohol,
You little faggot! Faggot!
-Faggot! -Faggot!
That is not a cool thing to say, Jesus,
-I have a lot to do tomorrow morning, -Have a glass of water at least!
Do that and I'll let you go,
-A glass of water? -Yeah, just to humor us,
Oh, I see, You'll turn it to wine on its way to my stomach,
No, I won't,
-I've seen you do it before, -I'm not going to this time!
-It's just a glass of water? -Yes,
-You won't turn it into wine? -I won't,
Okay, then,
I turned it into absinthe, bitches!
Come on! It's James's turn!
-I'll tell the truth, -It isn't your turn!
-Truth or dare? -Dare,
Playtime's over! I need you out of here now!
The Romans are coming back at any minute,
-Come on, just 30 more minutes, -Two minutes,
People have died here! And look how Judas is!
He's in a coma! And the toilet's clogged with blood!
It's over, Out of here, now!
-Now, Jesus! -Hey, don't you talk to me like this,
or I'm raising my little hand!
-Calm down, -I'll raise my hand,,,
Easy, Jesus! Bartholomew isn't even back from his first grave digging yet!
You said "dare," right? So here's what we'll do,
I dare you to tie the tavern's owner to the ceiling,
-What? -Or else,,,?
Or else I'll write in the New Testament that James the Apostle
-was a cocksucker! -That's just being an asshole!
That's it!
-Just specify which James, please, -I'll leave it ambiguous!
People in the future will decide!
Spin the bottle!
It's pointing at me!
Truth or dare?
Ask him what the Devil did to tempt him in the desert,
Dare! I'm not falling for that!
-Just spin that bottle again, -Wait, what's the dare?
-Forget it, Jesus, -Why?
Well, you're Jesus,
So what? Did you forget my origins?
We're all birds of a feather, dude!
It's me! Jesus Christ!
JC Superstar! Come on,
-You want to fuck shit up? -I do!
-You're gonna fuck shit up! -I'm all for it!
I dare you! I double dare you,,,
-to say the alphabet backwards! -What?
-That's hardcore! -It's a hard one,
It is pretty hard, Let me try,
Z, Y, M,,,
Oops, got it wrong already!
What the hell are you talking about?
Are you scared of daring me to do something?
-Of course not! -No, no,
-I'll dare you again to prove it, -Lay it on me,
I dare you to wash everybody's feet! Especially Simon's!
I just threw up on my foot!
I dare you to that!
-Cut it out! -The fuck?
The fuck is this? What's going on?
I don't even recognize you anymore!
It'll be in the Bible, "Jesus had 12 Apostles who were 12 lame fuckers,"
Where are those 12 badass Apostles who'd follow me
and always test me?
Our relationship is getting samey as hell!
It became a boring routine! I say "amen," you say "hallelujah"!
I want you to say, "Fuck 'amen,' I'm all up in this shit!"
Where's the ping-pong? I'm pinging and getting no pong!
I want you to dare me to do crazy shit!
Look at this nail!
-This is so unnecessary, -Jesus, don't,
I want a crazy-ass game!
Eyes closed!
That's dangerous, Jesus!
Call Mary,
That's right, yo! Who else wants to try?
-Come on, -Jesus,
Take the nail, Simon,
Take it!
-Come on, -Let's not,,,
Now! Nail between the fingers!
And I want it 500 fucking miles an hour!
I said now!
Guess I'll have to ask Thaddaeus to nail Peter, 'cause, boy, can he nail!
Fucking asshole!
You know blood gets me a little nervous,,,
What have you done, Simon?
Isn't he the big shot? Then big shoot this!
-Help me remove the nail,,, -No, don't,
Didn't he want something that'd surprise him?
He said we weren't daring, that we had to do something to test him,
Here's the thing, You, get three more nails,
You, get those two beams that fell down,
-I'm lost,,, -Listen!
We're going to do what we did to the kids in boarding school,
When they drank too much, we'd make them into scarecrows,
Tying them up, so that the next day,
they'd wake up with vultures pecking at their heads!
That's just low blood pressure!
-Isn't that prank kind of extreme? -He'll love it!
Jesus has a sense of humor, He won't get mad,
We'll show him the daring Apostles!
-He can regenerate that wound, -He can, can't he?
Let's just do it, What could go wrong?
What the shit have we done?
He's going to kill us!
Great idea, Thomas!
You agreed to it! It made sense at the time,
And who are those two other guys?
They look like those beggars who sleep in front of the bar,
That crown of thorns, I think it could've done without it,
Too much detail ruins it,
Oh, Magdalene, Hey, you,
-Cheer up, -He changed my life!
He changed ours, too,
You knew Dimas, too?
-Who's Dimas? -The one in the right,
No, we're talking about Jesus, The one in the middle,
Where do you know Dimas from?
He was my first customer!
I am who I am today because of his word of mouth,
My head is killing me!
I've never been this hung over!
What are you,,,?
What happened here?
Who did this to the Messiah?
-It was,,, -Actually,,,
It was you!
-Me? -Happy now, Judas?
-Yeah! -It was you!
-When? -After you chugged that drink!
Oh, God! I don't remember a thing after that drink!
You monster!
-Hold on, there! -"Hold on"?
Our King stands there crucified, by your Judas hands!
How can we "hold on"?
Yeah!
But why would I do that?
-For money! -Damn it, Judas!
He did it for money!
-Traitor! -I'm sorry, my Lord,,,
-Out of our sight! -Leave!
Get that traitor now!
-Murderer! -Murderer!
Bartholomew, just hide that old corpse for three days until things settle down,
James!
Jesus? You're alive?
Did Judas believe I was dead?
'Course he did! He was just chased off by a mob!
Is that a dare or what?
Judas just got a rope, That don't look good,
-Gotta learn with the master! -He just wants attention!
Now get me down from here, My hernia's acting up,
Good God,,,