- Sometimes, I dream I can fly,
But I'm so exhausted from flapping my wings
and the higher I soar, it reminds me
of how little I fit in with them on the ground,
So I rise and I rise
and I realize that
I don't wanna fly anymore,
They never knew what they were looking up at anyway,
But my mother did,
She always saw me,
I called her Muv,
And I loved her like nothing else,
A living testament to grace, glamour, and Gucci,
She had it all,
A siren in stilettos,
Abandon all hope, any men that fall under her enchantment,
She is just,,
Beyond,
Isn't she a vision?
That dress was to die for,
- Well, it should be,
The price tag nearly killed your father,
- He knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing,
- Did you just come up with that?
- No, I stole it from Oscar Wilde,
- We'd stay up late dissecting and gossiping the night away,
I could've stayed in that parlor forever,
Just me and she,
A circle of two,
Unfortunately, sometimes we were three,
Daddy Downer,
My parents fought and fought like hell,
I never really knew what drew them together,
But I was there that night when they fell apart,
He headed south and I stayed with Muv
for seven blissful years,
When she left this summer, destination unknown,
I was shipped to daddy's family estate,
And thankfully, I didn't come alone,
Muv armed me with an unflinching sense of style, glamor,
and a closet full of frocks, bangles, and beads,
So when she made her exit I made them my entrance,
And, let's face it,
Father's old home could use a little wow,
You again?
What am I going to do with you?
These are just words
and it's always better to show than to tell,
So buckle up, darlings
because I'm gonna take you on a little ride
I call my life,
- It's time for school, Billy,
Oh, be with us, Jesus,
And take off that glitter eyeshadow,
This isn't "Dancing With The Stars,"
This isn't Connecticut,
You're in the red states now,
You cannot go to your first day of school like that,
- You sweet, precious woman,
Of course I'm not going to school like this,
Hi,
So I am Billy Bloom,
I just transferred here from Darien, Connecticut
the hometown of Chloe Sevigny,
Hello!
And I realized for me, it was already over,
That is a fantastic tee you're wearing,
You gotta--
- Touch me again and I'll kick your ass,
- Oh!
- You have got quite a potty mouth,
- Go Griffins!
- Welcome, class, to the beginning of the school year,
- I was a hit,
- Good gosh almighty,
Told you to change,
I can take you shopping for blue jeans on my day off
if it's okay with Mr, Bloom,
- Blue jeans weren't gonna save me,
Maybe a ticket to Mars would,
Or Milan,
Anywhere,,,
But here,
- You know, son, there's a great saying,
The nail that sticks out gets hammered down,
- Yeah,
Well, Father, you'd certainly know an awful lot
about getting hammered,
- I'm not the one with that problem,
- I have to leave this town,
I've been hated by some people before,
But not by everyone,
- Psst,
Hey, Billy,
Hi,
Okay, I just wanted to let you know
that not everyone in this school is a dick,
And I think you're amazing,
- I think I just made a friend
in this vipers' den,
Shit, I missed her name,
If I can just catch a break in her verbal avalanche,
I can ask--
Hold on,
Did she just say, "Blah, blah, blah?"
- Anyway, pretty much the school is douche soup
and they're all stewing in it,
- All of them? - Yeah,
- I'll show you, - But I don't care,
- She's an angel,
- Bib Oberman was in a boy band,
- No way!
- Way,
They were called "In Twink,"
Would you die or what?
Oh,
And that's Lynnette Franz,
There's nothing she wouldn't do to become homecoming queen,
Including burning her competition at the stake,
We thought that was just a metaphor
until we saw her in The Crucible,
She wasn't acting,
- And who's that?
- Oh, Sesame Blixton,
She's secretly dating the entire basketball team,
I guess it's better than the swim team,
Chlorine is such a turn off,
And that's Tiffany Tarbell,
She's a cutter for Christ,
Nobody's seen her forearms since 8th grade,
Second-in-command on Lynnette's God squad,
Big guy right there, that's Bo-Bo Peterson,
He's a god on the football field,
which is kind of ironic considering he's dating the devil,
The kid behind me, I don't know,
We don't talk to him,
- Who is that?
- That's Flip Kelly,
There's like a whole story, you don't know it?
Okay, it was during the homecoming game of sophomore year,
The Griffins were down by three
when Flip, AKA Mark Kelly
executed a spectacular last minute quarterback sneak
leaping and jumping 10 feet in the air
over the defensive line and landing in the end zone,
- Oh, my God,
- The whole town needed a cigarette after that catch,
And after that, it was goodbye, Mark,,,
- Hello, Flip,
- Exactly, but it keeps going,
The whole town was whipped up into such a frenzy
that they nominated him as homecoming king
even though he was only a sophomore,
So, Flip declines the title
and says it should go to Bib Oberman,
Because he said Bib was the real guy
who led the team to victory,
I mean, people just lost their freaking minds
because of what a wonderful,
selfless young man Flip Kelly was,
And from that day on, the kid could do no wrong,
♪ I am a part volatile ♪
♪ Can be as cold as a winter beast but ♪
♪ Just like a child a juvenile ♪
♪ My ego smile ♪
♪ I look the other way ♪
♪ And you can say ♪
♪ Anything you want to me ♪
♪ Tell me any way you choose ♪
- Is it just me,
or does he literally move in slow motion?
♪ It's not the truth I
♪ No I couldn't take that from you ♪
♪ How could I take that ♪
♪ So say ♪
♪ Anything you want to me ♪
♪ Anything but the truth I
- I didn't mean to startle you,
- I certainly did not mean to make that sound,
- You're funny,
- You're Flip,
- Well, I just wanted, uh, to say hi,
Just introduce myself,
- Hey, girl,
Hi,
- Is that Dorian Gray?
Wow, that's crazy, man,
We're reading the same book,
- I wasn't gonna be the one to tell him
the entire senior class was reading it this semester,
- Uh, well, um,,
You know, I'll see you around,
And don't pay attention to those assholes in Biology,
I think you're okay,
- What are you doing over here?
- Just wanted to see how you're acclimating
to the new school,
- I'm not a ficus plant, Father,
I don't acclimate,
- You know, I remember how you liked that
Thai restaurant back in Darien,
There's a great place in town that we can--
- I'm really sorry,
I'm in the middle of something really important,
Oh, Muv, I miss you terribly,
You haven't answered any of my messages,
I know I'm only supposed to be here for the semester,
and I'm trying to fit in,
But I don't know how much of me they can take,
Come and get me,
Love, your withering Bloom,
Billy,
- Alright, class, listen up,
Now, your oral book reports will be due October 18th,
Girls, girls,
Break it up,
I've given you a choice of topics,
Zelda Fitzgerald, The Teapot Dome Scandal,
and The Picture Of Dorian Gray,
Now, there's plenty of time between now and October 18th,
Don't let me down,
Have a great rest of your day,
Class dismissed,
- The ladies who lynch,
- Hey! - Hey!
- It's Billy, right? - Yes, it is indeed,
- Well, we just wanted to come on over and say "Hey,"
- Hey, - Hey,
- We all might've gotten off on kind of the wrong foot
seein' as you are, you know, the new queer--
I mean, um, I mean,
kid on the block and all,
- Yeah, I guess you're right,
- We're not really used to people like you around here,
- You mean amazing people?
- No,
I mean, like, boys who dress like--
- Fashion icons?
- No, she means--
- Legends of the runway?
- Girls,
She means boys who dress like girls,
- Anyway, don't mind her,
We were actually just wondering if, you know,
you'd like to help us with our style
seein' as you've got it all goin' on,
- Absolutely, it'd be my pleasure,
How about we start right now?
Okay, Sesame,
Ditch the sweatpants,
Like Lagerfeld said, "It's the ultimate sign of defeat,"
Pretty funny, isn't it, Tiff?
Almost as funny as those wedges,
What are you trying to do with those things?
Kill a family of rats?
- Don't you dare,
- One must always dare, darling,
Or else we'd all end up looking like you,
Well, this has been fun,
We should do it again sometime, okay?
Kisses,
I know I just signed my own death warrant,
But sometimes, you just gotta dress a bitch down,
- What is it this time, Bloom?
- I am being practically terrorized out there
and you won't lift a fetal pig's brow to stop it,
- Is someone teasing you?
- Yes!
Bernie, Bib, Tiffany, Lynnette Franz,
all day, every day,
- Aren't you being overly dramatic?
- Normally, I would take that as a compliment
but, no, I'm not, look at this,
Mr, Reamer,
You have to transfer me out of that class,
- Nothing I can do,
- So, you're just gonna sit there and watch
like a good German?
If Mr, Reamer won't transfer me out of Biology
I'm gonna get myself kicked out of Biology,
- How?
- It's Lindsay Lohan that gets kicked out
of all those four-star hotels and strip clubs,
not Taylor Swift,
The pussiest pimple gets popped,
- Okay,
Billy, you're starting to scare me,
What're you gonna do?
I'm gonna get popping,
Weeks rolled by as I slalomed through the daily shitshow
of masticated spitballs,
Total war,
- What're you lookin' at, faggot?
- You, Bernard,
The faggot is clearly looking at you,
♪ If you losers can't see ♪
- The hash-fag,
- Life is hard, Billy, - Yes, but it's beautiful too,
♪ Don't you know your queen ♪
♪ Whipped ♪
Should we slow down, Muv?
- Slow down?
To slow down would be a fatal mistake,
♪ Don't you know your queen ♪
♪ Cracked ♪
♪ Peeling ♪
- Slop on that gunk,
Hide that desperation,
Goal?
To erase Billy Bloom completely,
Let someone else take over for a while,
When Billy looked around and saw all he created, he said,,,
It is good,
It is very good,
♪ No family is safe ♪
♪ When I sashay ♪
- That's messed up,
- What are you doin'?
♪ Hey hey hey hey ♪
♪ Don't you know your queen ♪
♪ Gleaming ♪
♪ Wrapped in golden leaf ♪
♪ Don't you know me ♪
♪ Rank ♪
♪ Ragged ♪
♪ Skin sewn on sheets ♪
- Are you happy, Billy?
- Me?
I've never been happier,
♪ The barracks ♪
- It's hard to be happy
when you're a chrysanthemum in a coal mine,
You know what I mean?
♪ Into the fold ♪
♪ Marry ♪
♪ No family is safe ♪
♪ When I sashay ♪
- Listen, I've gotta prepare you for this world,
The world can be a cold, hard, humorless place,
- No, move!
- That's why you must always let your fancy roam,
Yeah, I want you to learn to take a deep breath,
And if life kicks you,,,
- Muv,
- You just kick higher!
- Higher!
Muv,
- Mr, Bloom,
Hey, Mr, Bloom, I think he's wakin' up,
- You're still in the hospital, son,
You were in a coma for five days,
- Where is Muv?
She was just here,
- Well, she couldn't make it, son,
- Probably blacked out in a ditch,
- What did you say?
- Uh, she sends her love,
- Welcome back, Billy,
You gave us all quite a scare there,
How many fingers am I holding up?
- One, - Good,
Any blurred vision, headaches, nausea?
- All of the above,
Could I get some lip gloss please?
- When can I take him home, doctor?
- In a few days,
Your son has multiple abrasions, contusions,
concussions, organ trauma, and hemorrhaging
that we need to keep an eye on,
- Well, I guess they didn't like the dress,
- Billy is quite a fighter, Mr, Bloom,
The good news is he is going to mend
with at least a month of bed rest
and a little physical therapy,
You will feel quite dizzy for a while, so just,,,
You take it easy, okay?
- What happened?
- Sir, do you mind if I tell him?
- Of course not,
- Uh, could you guys, uh, give us a minute?
I'd like to hear this alone,
- I'll give you five minutes, okay?
And check his vitals and, uh,
get the boy some lip gloss,
- Hey,
- Hi,
- You know, you've got a great dad,
He's been so worried about you, Billy,
Me too, I've been here just about every day,
Most days, anyway,
I've been talking to you non-stop,
Did you hear me?
- No,
- I even got you a fashion magazine,
- Ooh,
- I'll just leave it here, alright?
So, there were these guys
just texting shit about you,
And I didn't really think much of it
'cause everyone's been talking shit about you
since you got here,
- They have?
- Billy, come on,
When you didn't show up to Bio lab
and, and neither did Tim and Sal
and those asshole sophomore jocks,
Uh, look, Billy, I tried,
Like I really, really tried,
- Flip,
It's okay,
I am not mad,
I'm grateful,
You saved my life,
- Really?
- Really, really, really,
- Alright, well, I gotta go, alright?
- Where are you going?
- Football practice,
You're good, buddy,
Doc said you're gonna be good as new, back to--
- Think fast, Bloomy,
Think fast,
- Doctor!
- What happened?
What happened?
- I don't know!
- Thank you, Flip,
- Okay, you're home now,
And I better get goin', so,,,
- What?
No, no, no, no, no,
Stay here, you just got here,
Yeah, well, I just, I just figured, you know,
you'd want some rest or call your friends,
- Relax,
You can't catch multiple contusions,
Florence will make you something to eat,
I just wanna thank you for everything that you've done,
Yeah, you know, Billy, I appreciate it, I do,
but, I'm not, I just, I really better get going,
Bye,
Holy!!!
- You're an expressionist, I see,
- Well, yeah, I'm not a total caveman, Billy,
You know, when I saw this, this was part of an exhibit
at the Met in New York,
- Yeah, it was on loan,
Daddy likes to spread the wealth
but not the hugs and kisses,
- I told my dad that I was gonna go see a Mets game,
And he bought it,
- Oh, were these the extra glitter?
I love it,
- You like it?
- Okay, so, I have to tell you about school
because, literally everybody is talking about you,
And you are a hero,
You are a martyr to the cause,
They had an assembly at school about hate crimes,
And a sensitivity speaker was brought in
and she talked about tolerance,
She showed a movie and everything,
- A movie?
Yeah, well, that'll show 'em,
- No, all those guys who beat you up, they got expelled,
On the spot,
Just like that,
The school now has a zero-tolerance policy
on all hate crimes,
And it's because of you, really, it is,
- Well, whatever I can do, I will do,
- Okay, so, Flip Kelly beat the crap out of Bernie
the day after you were attacked
because he was laughing about
how you'd gotten your ass kicked,
And Lynnette Franz!
She broke up with Bo-Bo Peterson,
But nobody knows why,
Okay, did you hear about Sesame Blixton?
- No, but tell me or I'll die,
- Okay,
She got a boob job,
Monster snoobs,
As a 17th birthday present from her dad!
Right?
1 know, why!
Apparently, she got the boob job to get Flip's attention
because she wants to ask him to homecoming,
- So how's he doin', ma'am?
- A little tired, but,,,
Well, look who's back,
- Hey, Billy,
- Actually, I, uh, gotta go,
Feel better, Billy,
- Okay,
- Come on, honey, I'll show you out,
- Hey!
- What'd you say your name was?
- What's her name again?
- I have no idea,
She's my very best friend,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought I was,
Hmm?
Who's been comin' over here everyday
like he said he would?
- You have,
But, you spend all your time in the drawing room
or talking about fly fishing with my father, so,,,
- I know, I love it!
I can't believe the dude hates football,
- It's the only thing we have in common,
Do you hate football?
- What?
No,
Who could hate football?
Well, except you two,
I don't know, I just don't love it
as much as everyone thinks I do,
- You're leaving skid marks on daddy's new runner,
He's gonna freak out when he sees the mess
that you have made, young man,
- I am not!
- What's that Goddamned noise?
Oh, Flip!
Here,
- Hey, - Hey!
- Let me give you a hand with that,
- Oh, thank you,
- That "that" is your son,
- How're you doin', Mr, Bloom?
- Even daddy is under Flip's spell,
Here's what he was hoping,
That somehow just my sheer proximity
to a manly man like Flip will knock the sissy out of me
and maybe then, I'll gut fish and give him grandchildren,
- Florence!
- Apparently, Florence is the only one
in the house immune to Flip's charm,
- Why don't you make these boys some of that delicious
Virginia fried chicken of yours?
- What fried chick--
Why not?
- What is that?
- That is a broiled grapefruit,
And it's not gonna kill you, I promise,
- Honestly, Billy, I think I'd just rather have
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
Oh, no way!
Hey, Mr, Bloom!
- Hey, Flip!
How about a little doodle socking tomorrow after school?
- Oh, You got it!
- We're on!
- Alright, I'll see you later,
- I hope that's a fish,
- It's actually a style of fishing,
You got the best dad,
- Yeah,
If you're you,
But this is the most that I've seen
or talked to the man in seven years,
He turned on me when I was 10 years old
the first time I sashayed across his marble floor
in his wife's satin slingbacks,
Daddy never recovered,
- That's a shoe, right?
- A-plus,
- Okay,
Okay, okay,
- It was very traumatic,
I was exiled from the family after that,
No more regattas,
No more barbecues,
My life as a Bloom had officially ended,
So, are you gonna eat that broiled grapefruit or what?
- Dude, you got it so good,
You've no idea,
- I'm so sorry, what is so good about it?
- Everything,
You can dress however the hell you like,
You can dye your hair orange or pink,
Sleep till noon,
No one gives a shit,
- Yeah, but that's because no one gives a shit,
- Yeah, you wanna hear about my dad?
I was eight,
I skipped out on Pop Warner,
I wanted to go to the comic book store,
My dad found me there,
I've never seen him so pissed,
In front of all my friends
he pulled down my pants and beat me raw,
- Oh,
- I couldn't sit down for a week,
- That's terrible, - It gets worse,
- He made me burn all my comics,
Every single one of them and, dude,
I had this Amazing Spider-Man number 252,
That would be worth bank right now,
- What a prick,
- "Man is many things, but he is not rational,"
- Oscar Wilde,
- Mm-hmm, - Mm-hmm,
- I love that line,
- What would you do if you didn't play football?
- Don't laugh,
- Who could I laugh at?
- I'd be an artist,
- I knew it,
- How could you?
- I have a gift for the obvious,
And besides, you were practically drooling
over daddy's Jackson Pollock,
I think you like football
as much as I like eating with my fingers,
- Alright, is it time for you to roll around the backyard?
Twice a day,
Let's do it, come on,
- On your right is the historic home
of the Bloom family,
They are one of the city's founding families,
- Now, that's a naughty monkey,
- Welcome to the jungle, baby,
- You need to eat,
- I didn't choose to be fabulous,
Fabulous chose me,
- Arm,
I was thinking maybe you could be
a little less fabulous tomorrow,
Just tone it down a little,
- What?
- I just think if the guys got to know you the way I do
then your situation at school might get a whole lot better,
Less ostrich feather, a little more Wrangler,
And, uh,,,
- Say it,
I'm sure it'll only be insulting
for the first minute or two,
- Just, uh, lay off the, uh,,,
The "Hey, girl,"
Why don't we save that for after school and stick to chicks,
cars and zombie flicks from 8:30 to 3:00?
- So, you want me to change who I am for them?
- No, for me,
- I think we've established
that I'd do pretty much anything for him,
I'll think about it,
- Ta-da,
I'm done,
- Finally,
Flip, it is beyond beyond,
- This is-- - Yeah?
- Oh, I like that shoe,
It's really beautiful,
- Thank you,
- Well, look at you,
- It was Flip's idea,
- You know, you'll never be able to get
what you want from a boy like Flip Kelly,
- Florence, we're just friends,
And I don't want anything more from that relationship,
Really, I don't need love,
Or sex or physical attention,
I'm perfectly happy with things the way they are,
Thank you very much,
- Well, you might be able to tell that to yourself
but you can't tell that to old Florence,
- Your lunch, hello?
- Would it kill you to cut off the crust?
I can't, I can't,
- Yes, you can, - I can't,
- Yes, you can,
Trust me,
- How can I face them after what they did to me, huh?
- How can they face you?
That's their shit, Billy,
Come on, I got your back,
- It's great to have you back, Billy,
- Translation, "Please don't sue me,"
- For the yearbook, Billy,
Whatever I can do for you,,,
- I'll let you know, Mrs, Monusky,
I'll let you know,
- Okay, class?
- Ready? Okay!
B-I-L-L-Y,
Who's our high school's favorite guy?
Billy!
- Peace be with you,
Let the healing begin,
Hello,
Make that leap, Make that leap,
- Hey, what are you guys talking about?
- Fashion,
- 'Cause I thought that we were talkin' about football,
- We were talkin' about shoulder pads,
FYI, they rocked the runway in Paris last spring,
- Well, I thought we were talking about football,
And anyway, you didn't say anything about my pants,
Are these butch, baby, or what?
- Billy?
I thought we said
more Wrangler, less fabulous,
- Yeah, I thought you were joking,
- I'm not,
- Fag!
- Billy?
- Now, before you say anything
you said after school, I could be me,
And this is me,
- You look awesome,
- Seriously?
Four hours in hair and makeup,
I've been preened, plucked and bustiered so tightly
that my toes are turning blue, and "Awesome"?
No,
I look Atlantastic,
- Okay, Atlantastic,
Why'd you run away after class today?
- I didn't run,
I was chased,
- Oh,
We're making progress, right?
I mean, you're not getting beamed in the head
as much anymore,
- Am I not?
This is crazy,
I'm compromising myself for reasons
I don't even understand anymore,
I need a drink,
- Want me to hold your thing?
- Shut up,
- Flip, Flip!
I'm so sorry,
I must've made them pretty strong,
I forgot, that's how Muv likes them,
- Stop callin' me Flip,
I hate it,
It's a stupid nickname,
Call me Mark,
- Mark,
- You know what, Billy?
You're alright,
- Thank you very much,
- No, I mean it,
I mean it,
You are who you are, and,,,
- And,,,
Yes?
- I have somethin' for you,
His name's Lenny,
I want you to have him,
- Really?
- Take him,
I mean, so what if he's half-burnt?
He's screwed up,
He'll fit right in here,
You know what I mean?
- I wanna tell him
I don't know what he's talking about
but I don't wanna ruin the moment,
I think he's trying to explain our friendship
in straight terms, which I'm not very fluent in,
- Billy, you're gonna be great tomorrow,
They're gonna love you,
Just remember, no pizazz, alright?
Hey, no pizazz, alright?
- I've gotta be me, Mark,
- Do you?
- I've got to be me,
The pain!
Do you feel the flames?
Do you feel the hellfire flickerin' at your feet?
I am the ghost of Zelda Fitzgerald,
And when I danced upon this mortal coil
with my husband, F, Scott, and I
we knew boundless joy
and unfathomable pain,
Our larger-than-life escapades
and violent, gin-fueled tantrums
defined the Roarin' Twenties,
And I, I still remember
how we danced
how we drank, how we fought
and how we loved
like there was no tomorrow,
And now,
as my skin blisters and burns,
scorches and curls off the meat
and with every flame lick I endure
I'm reminded of my own personal damnation,
From madcap to just plain mad!
I am Zelda Fitzgerald!
And I wrote "The Great Gatsby,"
And scene,
- In all 27 years of my teaching
I have never been more thrilled by a book report,
- Oh, no, no, no,
Mrs, Monusky, that's so kind,
If you'll excuse me, I've gotta scrape cereal off my face,
- Of course,
♪ Bright light city gonna set my soul ♪
♪ Gonna set my soul on fire ♪
♪ Got a whole lot of money ♪
♪ That's ready to burn ♪
♪ So get those stakes up higher ♪
♪ There's a thousand pretty women ♪
♪ Waitin' out there ♪
♪ And I'm just the devil with love to spare ♪
♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪
- Maybe dancing on the coffee table was a bad idea,
- Listen to me, Junebug,
You only get one shot at the pageant
so who cares if you smash up a few tables?
At least you danced,
- Jesus Christ!
- Oh!
Well, if it isn't the disappearing man,
You missed it all, William,
And yet, you were not missed,
- Goddammit, Muv, what's wrong with you?
- Stop it!
Don't yell at her!
- It's okay, I'm used to it,
- What were you thinking?
- Stop, I did it!
I broke the table!
- Is that the truth?
- "The truth is rarely pure and never simple,"
- What?
- Oscar Wilde, you philistine,
- Just go to bed!
- At least I danced,
Isn't that right, Muv?
- Yes, love,
That's right,
- Thank you very much,
Ever let the fancy roam,
- Hey, ladies, get in line!
Time to hit the rope,
You know the drill,
One of you holds,
One of you climbs,
- Coach Carter, sir,
Hi,
I don't feel like this is something I should be doing,
- This isn't a therapy session,
That's the whole point!
You're not supposed to feel!
You're supposed to be a man and do!
Now let's go!
Bloom, you hold,
Bo-Bo, you climb,
You can handle that, right?
Feelings?
- Oh, sweet, baby Jesus, no, no, no,
Don't do this to me,
Not Bo-Bo,
Another perfect specimen of Gluteus and Maximus,
I closed my eyes for one second
and my President Johnson was saluting the troops,
Hey, Bo-Bo, Billy's got a present for you,
And it's tiny,
Hey, guys, guys! Just quit it!
Hey!
Knock it off,
It's embarrassing enough as it is,
Bloom, why don't you hit the showers?
Make it a cold one,
Alright, you morons,
This kind of thing can happen to anyone,
A hundred push-ups right now!
- It could,
- His ass was in my face,
It could have been anyone's ass,
- Yo--
- I'm at the mercy of my hormones!
- Look, dude, all I'm sayin' is that it's just
it's a tough thing to live down, alright?
- Maybe it's not such a big deal,
I mean, Coach Carter said this happens to everybody,
- Don't even think about taking a shower with us, boner,
- Oh, come on, man,
- Dickwad,
- Leave him alone,
- What, are you two butt buddies or somethin'?
- Dude, back off,
- Oh, so you are!
You're fudge packers,
- Shut up!
- Fight, fight! - Get him, get him!
- Hey, break it up!
Break it up! Break it up!
- Fucking faggot!
- Are you kidding me?
It's homecoming in two weeks,
Are you trying to make me bench you?
Look at me,
What's goin' on?
Is there something you need to talk about, Flip?
- No, nothing,
- Help me out here, guys,
What's goin' on?
Billy, what's goin' on?
Billy, Billy!
- Oh, Flip, Flip, please tell me it's not true,
You're not gay, right?
- Flip, I heard Billy was practically
ass raping you in gym class,
- That's a lie, and besides, I was behind him,
- Well, at least we know you're the top,
- Would you shut up?
- Hey, hey, hey, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay, I'm fine,
Would you just please just get out of here?
- I was just trying to help,
- Well, stop helpin', okay?
- You know what, we'll let you guys
have your little lover's quarrel alone,
- We're not--
- Let's get out of here, Mark, come on,
- Get off me, you homo!
- Oh, no, trouble in paradise?
- Muv?
Muv?
- Junebug!
- Mr, Bloom is on his way,
I see you found the bar,
- You're out of gin,
- I've missed you so much,
I can't stand another second,
Just take me home,
- Let me look at you,
Darling, when did you start wearing blue jeans?
- Oh, no, I know,
But they're really common around here,
- I know, that's the problem,
They're so common,
Oh, I was so worried about you,
I came as soon as I heard you were in a coma,
- That was five weeks ago,
- I'm sorry I couldn't get here any earlier,
I've been abroad,
- Is that what they call rehab these days?
- Isn't there a toilet around here
that needs scrubbing, flossy,
- Nothing around here needs scrubbing except for your mouth,
- My angel,
Where's Daddy, darling? - Hiding,
- Junebug,
Be a lamb and make your Muv another drinkie,
Do you want a Tequila Mockingbird?
Or a Sunset Boulevard Bourbon on the rocks?
- Surprise me,
- Voila!
- Put that thing out,
- Happy?
- Billy, go to your room,
- No, I'm not going anywhere,
- Please, son, just go upstairs,
- You're just upset because Muv's come back for me
and we're getting out of Satan's strip mall,
- You know what, honey, I think your father's right,
- No, you know what? - You better go up--
- Stay here,
Well, that didn't take long, Miriam,
I just stopped the payment on Thursday,
- It's Mauveine, Bill,
- Actually, it's not,
- You know what, I'll go start packing,
- Goddammit, wake up!
She's not here to take you home!
- Yes, she is,
Tell him,
We're going home, right?
- Is that why you're here?
- Mom?
- Don't call me that,
- The deal is, son, Oscar had it half-right,
The truth is rarely pure but it's often very simple,
- Look, I need that money,
I deserve it,
I deserve it!
- I'm not paying you child support
for a child you don't support,
- Support him?
Christ, I was gonna flush him,
You wanted a son,
I gave you a son,
So pay up,
Checkie!
Just write the check and I'll be out of here,
- You cut the crust off?
- Mm-hmm,
- Thank you,
- You bet,
- Well,,,
Hello!
- Hi, ma'am,
Is, uh, is Billy home?
- Drink?
Something to drink?
- Oh, no, no,
No, thank you,
I just really need to see Billy,
- I'm Mauveine,
- You're, you're Muv?
Wow!
Wow, ma'am!
It's a pleasure for me to meet you,
I've heard so much about you from Billy,
- Friend of Billy's?
That's how they do it in Paris,
- I've never been to Paris,
- Football player too, huh?
- Yes, ma'am,
- Huh,
Isn't that a co-in-ki-dink?
You know, I was a big-time cheerleader,
I was,
Rah,
Rah!
- Ms, Muv, ma'am,
it's been real nice getting to know you, Ms, Muv,
But I've really got to go see Bi--
- Shake it to the left,
Shake it to the right,
Hit 'em to the left, hit 'em to the right,
Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!
Ah!
- Oh, God, Ms, Muv!
Let's get you up,
Come here, alright,
Here we go, here we go,
Oh!
- Oh, Junebug, Junebug! - Billy!
- With all due respect, ma'am, you're drunk,
- That's the smartest thing I've heard you say
since I met you, son,
You know what, I have cleaned the toilets
and now it's time to take out the trash,
- Oh, simmer down, slugger,
My Uber awaits,
Sometimes, I dream I can fly,
But I'm so exhausted from flapping my wings
and the higher I soar, it reminds me
of how little I fit in with them on the ground,
So,,,
I rise,
And I rise, and I realize that,,,
I don't wanna fly anymore,
They never knew what they were looking up at anyway,
- And so, it is with great excitation
and an okay from the Almighty
that I announce my candidacy for homecoming queen!
- Over my dead body!
- Look, we've got a jumper!
- It's Billy Bloom!
I'm not killing myself, you philistines!
I've never been more determined to live in my life,
I'm not gonna let some bible-humping debutante
make a mockery of everything I hold dear in this life,
Glamour, pageantry and good hair!
I am announcing my candidacy for homecoming queen!
- Lynette, are you dead?
- It's time to put a real queen
in charge of things around here,
- Wait, wait,
What happened?
This is my interview,
- Give me a second please, Lynette,
It's Bloom, isn't it?
The coma kid?
Now, how do you wanna be identified on camera?
Gay, straight, transgender?
- Transvisionary,
Gender obliviator,
- Freak!
- Okay, yeah, well, I was gonna reclaim it as my own anyway,
- Works for me,
- Wait, uh, now, this is my dream,
- I'm standing here with Billy Bloom,
self-proclaimed freak, here at Ulysses S, Grant Academy
where history is being made,
And this young man, that's right, I said man,
just announced his candidacy for homecoming queen!
- Billy?
Thank God,
Oh, I was so worried,
You didn't text me back,
- You don't need to be afraid,
They do,
- Tell us about your platform, Billy,
- Him?
What about me?
- Well,
My platform is simple,
I am pro-glamour, I'm anti-khaki,
I am pro-any-artistic-risk
and I'm against any attempts at categorization,
I am here to bring an end to the hatred
I've found at Ulysses S, Grant
and the world at large,
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm going to watch golf in peace,
Don't give me that look,
- What look? - That look!
- Oh, I know the world is a horrible place
for rich, handsome, entitled men,
Cry me a river,
- I didn't ask him to come here,
- And that was your first mistake,
I love my job, Mr, Bloom,
Lord knows I love this family,
But I'll walk straight out that door
right here and now if you don't stop acting like an ass,
- That's enough,
- Oh, but I haven't even started,
Did you forget that this is the child
that you prayed for?
Well, I remember, because I'm the one
who taught you how to pray,
- Well, I didn't pray for this,
It's all over the news,
He's running for homecoming queen,
- He is telling the monsters who put him in a coma
"I will not let your abuse and your insults
"define how I wear my tiara,"
- I'd rather be with my son,
But he doesn't want me,
I tried,
I tried in Darien but Muv shut me down,
I tried here and he shut me out,
- So keep trying,
You have more in common with that boy than you think,
- Hey, girl, hey!
- Billy, what do you think you're doing?
- Be gone, you have no powers here,
- Homecoming queen?
Billy?
Are you serious?
There's nothing I can do for you now,
Don't you get that?
- You've done quite enough, Mark,
- Okay, you know what?
Fine,
You do what you want,
But don't expect me to bail you out,
From now on, you're on your own,
Actually, I'm not,
How would you like to be my sidekick?
- Billy, I have been waiting my whole life
for someone to ask me that,
- No, I mean your name is really Mary Jane?
- Yeah, what did you think it was?
- Uh, it's not important right now,
We have bigger problems to solve,
And I don't want to do this one alone,
- You won't be alone,
I mean, we'll all be there for you!
- We?
- Okay, Billy,
I have wanting to tell you about them forever,
But I was bound by oath to keep their secret
until they told me it was okay to let you in,
- Who?
- The shadow people,
- The who?
- The shadow people,
It's a secret population of students
who survive on the fringes of the academy,
They live under the radar, out of the spotlight,
They're just regular students, like you and me,
I mean, you see them everywhere,
You just don't notice them
because they know how to blend in,
You see, the trick is you have to be attractive enough
as to not draw attention
but not attractive enough as to stand out
in a sea of physical perfection,
You have to be, um, a strict seven and a half,
They've been waiting a long time
for someone like you to come along
and they are ready to lend their support,
I know you won't let them down, Billy,
- Students of Grant Academy,
for too long you have suffered in silence,
I am like you,
For too long, I thought being on the outside
meant having no voice,
I accepted the moldings and manipulations
that were pushed upon me
and was still shamed into silence,
No more,
No more!
No more--
No more!
All that changes from this moment on,
I know that without hope, you cannot live,
And without a bit of glamour, you can't live well,
We are important,
And we owe it to the kids that come after,
the little boys and girls with the wrong haircut
or wrong accent or wrong curric--
Extra-curricular hobbies
to try and push ourselves into the light,
Give them the hope of seeing
a boy nominated for homecoming queen,
- This is Felicia Watts,
back at Ulysses S, Grant Academy
where it's day five of Academy Under Siege,
What's at stake?
One girl's dream and every girl's rights and privileges,
With me is homecoming queen nominee
Lynnette Franz,
Lynnette, can you give us an update?
- Can I ever!
Well,,
So, I was supposed to be
the only candidate running this year,
That's been the plan since the seventh grade,
But then, this sexually confused weirdo
announced that he was running,
Now, I don't know,
maybe he doesn't realize he's not a girl,
Whatever,
He doesn't stand a chance of winning
because everybody hates him,
- Everybody?
Lynnette, look at the walls around you,
The support for Grant Academy's
Gender Obliviator is palpable,
- With all due respect, Felicia,
this is a simple case of decency versus depravity,
Tradition versus perdition,
And by the end of this election, I believe--
No, I know that this school
and this nation will come to its senses
and put a real queen in charge of things around here,
- So, you don't think Billy Bloom has a chance
of taking home the tiara?
- A homosexual representing our school?
I'd laugh if he wasn't being so disrespectful,
I mean, it's like he's peeing on the flag or something,
Look, he just wants attention,
like all gays do, you know?
- I do not,
- Well, so, they can further their gay agenda,
And that is the God's honest truth,
What Billy is doing here by running for homecoming queen
is destroying the way of life here at the academy,
Let's make America great again!
Bye, Felicia,
- Disgruntled, delusional,
But determined homecoming queen candidate
Lynnette Franz,
And I am sure we have not heard the last of her,
- And after me, say
"Let Billy Bloom!"
One, two, three,,,
- Let Billy Bloom,
- Louder, come on,
- Let Billy Bloom,
- One more time, let Billy Bloom!
- Let Billy Bloom!
- I love the shadow people!
They're like little homecoming elves,
- Oh, yes!
There ain't no stopping us now, Billy,
Alright, if we can get one A-lister on our side
I think we can turn this whole election around,
Really, I do,
What about Flip?
- Next,
- Bo-Bo Peterson?
- Not gonna happen,
- No, I think we can make it happen,
I mean, honestly, he hates Lynnette now,
She broke up with him,
She broke his heart, banged his brother,
- I love it,
- Vote Lynette,
- Vote for me,
- Vote for Lynette, - Vote for Lynette,
- Vote for me,
- Bo-Bo, I am so sorry to hear about you and Lynnette
but have you given any thought to the other candidate
running for homecoming queen?
- I ain't voting for that ho!
I'd just as soon vote for a butt worm,
- Well, naturally, I am flattered,
- You got my vote,
Just make sure you beat her,
- Welcome to Team Bloom!
So, Bib, here's the deal,
When I give the signal at the pep rally
you're gonna put this button on your shirt,
- What's the F for, Fag?
- No, it's for freak, you freak,
Or should I call you Kid Krush?
- Okay, look, butt-lick,
I don't know how you found out about In Twink,
but if you don't shut up about it, I'll beat you so hard
you're gonna miss that coma, you got it?
- It's not so much did I get it
but this young, budding Tarantino did,
- Wait, where did she come from?
- Only the shadows know,
Now, do we have your support
or do you want that last little hate crime rant
to go viral?
- Oh, no, not again,
- What is it?
- Oh, it's nothing,
- No, no, no,
Let me see,
"Dear Billy, you are fierce,"
Ain't nothing wrong with that,
- Yeah, keep going,
- Yadda, yadda, yadda,,,
"You make me sick,
"You're ruining everything,
"I'm going to tie you up and fuck you
"till you love me, faggot,"
Chill out, all I'm trying to do
is make this world a little more pretty,
- I know, right?
A stalker means you're officially famous which is good news,
I'm going to have to get you a security detail,
- Yeah, I'm feeling good about,,,
Yeah, I'll be right back, alright?
Hey,
- Hey,
- I just wanted to say good luck
with the whole homecoming queen thing,
- Thank you,
And you, too,
With the big match, I mean, not that,,,
The homecoming queen,
Too many queens would spoil the broth,
- You're funny,
- You're Flip,
- I miss hanging out with you, Billy,
- Aren't you done yet?
- Yeah, just, uh, just give us a second,
- It's been a second,
- Yeah, just give us a minute!
I'm taking Sesame to the dance,
- You know they're fake, right?
- Billy, I think I'd know,
- Oh, you sweet, innocent boy,
Go,
Go on,
- It's been a minute,
- Hey, Billy, how's it going?
- I've had better days,
I've got to sort out all this stuff,
- Do you want a ride?
- With you?
- I know I've been a dick, but I wanna make things right,
- Yeah, sure,
Thank you,
Get off,
Bernie, what the fuck?
- You don't mean that,
Please don't tell anyone,
Don't tell anyone!
- Ladies and gentlemen, hello,
and welcome to the Ulysses S, Grant Academy
homecoming game pre-show,
And I know how excited everyone is
to see this year's nominees,
so without further ado I present the parade of floats
made by your homecoming queen candidates,
First up, Miss Lynnette Franz!
- Oh, come on,
These folks expect a show!
They want to be wowed!
♪ You better run better ♪
- I mean, this is the float
that you've been planning since the seventh grade?
This float was meant to be her legacy,
It should have been the ultimate expression
of who she was, and the culmination of all her hopes
and dreams and heartfelt artistic yearnings!
Luckily, the crowd didn't have too long
to dwell on this because,,,
- And now, ladies and gentlemen
I present our second candidate,
Here comes Billy Bloom!
♪ Candy ♪
♪ She's sweet like candy in my veins ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ I'm dying for another taste ♪
♪ And every night my mind is running around her ♪
♪ Then it's getting louder ♪
♪ And louder ♪
♪ Baby you're like lightning in a bottle ♪
♪ I can't let you go now that I got it ♪
♪ All I need is ♪
♪ To be struck ♪
♪ By your electric love ♪
♪ Baby your electric love ♪
- Surely, I have reached nirvana,
This is heaven on Earth
and I haven't even been crowned yet,
So, let's not let four quarters of football
stand between me and my tiara
and just cut to the end of the game,
- Let's go, Griffin, Let's go!
Let's go, Griffin, Let's go!
- There are 15 seconds left to play
and we're down by three,
The fate of the entire universe
rests on Flip's broad shoulders,
- Touchdown!
Oh, the Griffins scores and with that
the Griffins win, 27,
Huskies, 24,
- I didn't see the touchdown,
I was looking at Flip,
- Is he okay?
- Those scouts,
His father,
This game,
It meant everything to him,
And just like that, with one thumbs up,
Flip Kelly was gone,
and Mark Kelly could paint the world however he saw it,
- I wanna congratulate our Griffins!
And especially Bo-Bo Peterson,
Stand up, Bo-Bo,
On a spectacular game-winning touchdown,
And our thoughts and prayers go out to Flip Kelly
and hope that tonight's unfortunate injury won't,,,
Let's just keep him in our thoughts,
But now, it's time to give our homecoming queen nominees
their chance to say something
before the ballots are cast and a winner is crowned,
First up, Lynnette Franz,
Here, my dear,
- Thank you,
Hi, everyone,
How you doin'?
Okay,,,
Principal Onnigan, faculty,
friends, cheer squad, God Squad
alumni and lunch ladies!
Let's hear it for the real girl!
Me!
Yay!
So,,,
First reason you should vote for me,
And, uh,
I kinda can't believe that I have to remind you all this
but apparently I do,
Homecoming queens?
Hmm,
Yeah, they're,,,
They're girls, y'all!
You can't just decide what's right and wrong
based on the cast of Glee,
Hashtag quotable,
- We love Lynette!
- Second reason you should vote for me,
My rival,,,
And I'm not even going to dirty my lips to say his name,
He seems to only be interested in one thing
and that's turning this school
into some kind of tranny bar,
All gays are going to hell,
- Yup,
- And that's not me,
It's not me saying that,
That's,,,
That's Leviticus,
♪ Father son and Holy Ghost ♪
♪ Who's the queen Christ loves the most ♪
♪ Lynette Lynette ♪
♪ Lynette ♪
- Thank you,
Thank you so much,
Thank you so much, thank you,
You know, I've been waiting for this day
since I was 12 years old,
I'm sure you all have too,
- That was enlightening,
And our next contestant,,,
Billy Bloom,
- Thank you, Lynnette, for that most gracious set-up,
Now,
My appearance tonight might come as a shock
to many of you,
Sure, I could have worn a real show-stopper of an outfit
and talked smack about Lynnette
and reminded you all how you tried to kill me
and maybe you could vote for me
to try and clear your conscience
but instead, I stand before you,
And I'm stripped of all my usual bells and whistles,
Just a clean-scrubbed face,
To show you that,,,
To show you that I'm not so different from you,
Despite your protestations, despite mine,
You can call me a freak, okay,
I am what I am,
You're all freaks too, I mean, look at you,
Isn't that what being a teenager is all about?
I think that we're all pretty worried
that we're not gonna fit in,
That if people found out the real us
they would reject us, they would recoil in horror,
That they'd all hate us,
And we all carry around some kind of secret shame,
We've each got a flag to fly,
Just some of us are flying them on the inside,
So, I am asking you to look inside that secret place
where your freak flag flies
and raise it up,
Loud,
And proud,
Look, I know I have not been here for very long
but I am asking for a tradition to take place now,
A tradition of inclusion,
Of acceptance, of tolerance,
Love who you're gonna love,
Follow whatever path it is that makes you
be the person that you are,
I've got one thing to ask tonight
when you cast your ballot,
Vote for me,
You're voting for the freak
in all of us,
You're voting for the freak that stands before you
but you're voting for
the freak in each and every one of you,
That's all,
- Yay Billy!
- And now, students of Grant Academy,
it's time to get out your smart phones and vote,
Well, the votes have been tabulated
and you've all made your feelings abundantly clear,
The winner is Lynnette Franz!
Here she is, ladies and gentlemen,
Your new homecoming queen Lynnette Franz!
- Thank you,
Thank you,
- The crowd who just moments ago were on my side
now applauded wildly for her,
- What are you still doing on stage, freak?
Get lost,
- Sesame, do you always have to be such a bitch?
- Yeah, I think I do!
- Billy,
She might have gotten my vote but you got my heart,
Good job,
- Thank you, thank you,,,
Thank you,
God wins!
- For me, it was never actually
about being the queen,
It was about showing them I was worthy,
And I did,
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,,,
- Billy,
- But the man who I thought had abandoned me,
The man who came to tonight's barbecue
even though he thought his little boy was gonna give
a speech in a dress,
The man that is,,,
Daddy?
- I'm here,
- I'm queer,
- I'll get used to it,
- I lost,
- Are you kidding me?
That was the biggest win I've ever seen,
Look at me,
I am so proud of you,
Thank you,
Come on, son,
Let's go home,
- Yes, sir,
- You know I could have dodged that tackle
the other night, right?
But I realized that I found something more important
than pleasing my dad,
More important than football,
Me,
I never would have discovered that without you,
I'm so sorry I stopped being your friend,
- It's okay,
You were just being you,
Muv was just being Muv,
How about I do me
and you do you?
And maybe one day we can try
the other way around,
Deal?
- Nice try,
♪ I need your secrets ♪
♪ From your past ♪
♪ It's like your stitches ♪
♪ Are pulled apart ♪
♪ Your information ♪
♪ Is high demand ♪
♪ And all that content ♪
♪ Is like grains of sand ♪
♪ As it diffuses ♪
♪ Through those cracks ♪
♪ It's in the air now ♪
♪ There's no turning back ♪
♪ And those little victims ♪
♪ That no one sees ♪
♪ Need information ♪
♪ That your body bleeds ♪
♪ I need to know you're thinking of me ♪
♪ I need to know you're there ♪
♪ I need the information now ♪
♪ I got to know that you care ♪
♪ Give me something that I can work with ♪
♪ Deliver me from the dark ♪
♪ Give me something that I can count on ♪
♪ Right now it seems so far ♪
♪ You're complicated ♪
♪ And hard to read ♪
♪ Your information ♪
♪ Is all I need ♪
♪ But when those stitches ♪
♪ Are pulled apart ♪
♪ All that content ♪
♪ Well it gets so dark ♪
♪ It becomes toxic ♪
♪ And hard to breathe ♪
♪ You can't escape it ♪
♪ And it gets extreme ♪
♪ I need to know you're thinking of me ♪
♪ I need to know you're there ♪
♪ I need the information now ♪
♪ I got to know you care ♪
♪ Give me something that I can work with ♪
♪ Deliver me from the dark ♪
♪ Give me someone that I can count on ♪
♪ Right now you seem so far ♪
♪ Give me something that I can work with ♪
♪ Deliver me from the dark ♪
♪ Give me something that I can count on ♪
♪ Right now you seem so far ♪