- Go,
- Happy birthday Dad, this song is for you,
♪ Oh yeah, it's only to be yourself ♪
♪ And even it's so boring to be different people, ♪
♪ So need to have yourself be different ♪
♪ But if you're honest then ♪
♪ You can't be the same as everyone else ♪
♪ Oh yeah but if everyone was the same ♪
♪ No one would like it ♪
♪ It would be no fun ♪
♪ Oh yeah, be different, it would be fun ♪
- Happy birthday Dada,
- We love you,
- Love you,
- Yeah, no those are Mommy's old fake boobies
that she would put in her bra,
Now show me what they've become,
♪ Yeah I feel free, ♪
♪ Free, free ♪
♪ Sunrise to a brand new day ♪
♪ Bright eyes light up the way ♪
♪ Yeah as far as I can see ♪
♪ Yeah I'm free, free, free ♪
- Go,
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ To love is to live ♪
♪ I got more than I could ♪
♪ Ever want ♪ - Alright, again,
♪ And this is it ♪
- Yeah, Doc I understand that,
No, no, I got the message, I just,,,
Do you know what stage?
Is there,,,
Well is there, is there a biopsy or not a biopsy?
Okay, uh,
Alright, I just, okay I can't,,,
No I understand what you're saying, I just,,,
No I haven't talked to--
- Hey idiot, hang up the phone and drive!
- Are you kidding me?
Hey!
- Lady--
- How did that feel? - Alright, alright,
lady why don't you just go back--
- No, no, no, no, how did it feel
to drive like a douche bag, cut off somebody
and flip off a mom in a mini van,
That feel good to you? - Yeah, nice and cathartic,
real cathartic for me, yeah, - Oh, good, good, good,
I'm glad we could work that out for you,
- Alright now go back to the PTA meeting,
go back, no one cares-- - I'm not on the PTA!
I'm not even on Booster!
I used to be punk rock - We're done,
bye, - Mr, Shitty, shit,
shitter, shitty shit ass, - Goodbye, goodbye,
- Bag of shit, fart sniffing, - Goodbye, goodbye,
- No, not today, not today,
- What?
Hey, get-- - Today's the day
that you listen--
You don't get to treat people like crap anymore!
- Uh ma'am, excuse me,
- What! What!
- Are you alright?
Do you need anything?
- No, Mr, Helper, I'm not actually alright,
I happen to have cancer again!
Cancer! - Shit,
- Stop hurting people's feelings,
Look out!
I'm fine,
- Hey, Mama,
- Hi, guys,
- Max, stop it,
Max!
Stop it, Max, - Mom,
You're stupid,
- You're stupid, - Are you leaving or staying?
Hello?
Excuse me, I said are you leaving or are you staying?
- You need to shut the fuck up,
- Mom!
- Mom, that's a bad word,
That's like five bucks, - That's the worst one,
- I know, I know,
- Hi, - What's up?
- How you doing?
Good day at school?
- Hey Dad, - Hi, how are you?
- Good, - How was your day, good?
Good, ah, no, mine,
What's up, how was your day?
- Good but Nikki's party's on the same day as my party
and Nikki says everybody's gonna go to her party
and nobody's gonna go to my party,
and Nikki says I smell like old soup,
- You don't smell like old soup and Nikki's an idiot, okay?
I love you,
- Hey, there's my Ozzie!
- Oh honey, no not with the Ozzie,
- No, no, don't honey please,
Please don't, just don't turn him on,
Don't turn him on, - Yeah just mute it,
Don't turn them on,
- You okay?
- Uh, your mom, your mom called,
- Okay,
- She called and you should call her,
And I need a handle on the door of the garage,
I can't close it without a handle, I don't have a handle,
- Okay,
Guys, please!
Enough, the Ozzies inside,
Jesus,
- It's back,
- What?
What's back?
- Cancer,
Recurrence,
Left breast this time,
- How?
You guys okay?
Babe?
Hey babe?
- These floorboards are disgusting,
Like, crazy mold, dirty, spores,
- Hey, hon?
The phone, the doctor,
Do you want to talk?
I am using dulcet tones in order to
soothe you away from your OCD psychotic break,
- That was Dad's neighbor,
He met her a thousand times,
- Was it perfume lady or the clickety clack teeth?
- The teeth,
Yeah she said Dad's been gone all night,
He left around four a,m, and his door's open,
Where are my keys?
- I don't know,
- Of course you don't know,
But maybe if you
maybe looked left or right and helped me find them,
Why are you putting hands on me like a creepy spa attendant?
- These are my dulcet hands,
I'm trying to soothe you with dulcet hands,
- I have to go find him,
- Nope, I've got it, okay?
- No, no, no, no, I know all his places,
And you have to get Scout's cake, okay?
And no princesses, okay?
She's already furious enough without being relegated
to some female stereotype,
You might wanna pass that on to your mom
with her makeup and the heels and all that,
- Babe, babe, cake?
- Oh, cake, um,
In the book there are pictures, just flip through,
Point to the picture that you want and order that
but only order it from Josh, the chef,
- Josh, - The chef,
The chef, - Chef,
- Josh, yes,
- No princesses,
- You're it,
Can you clean up around here?
It's just looking a little--
- Wait, seriously what's up?
How are you? What's going on?
- I gotta go get Dad,
I don't know, I don't know,
I'm kind of shocky right now so I'm going with it,
I'm worried about Dad,
He's worse every day, he's wandering, he's repeating,
And the boobs, here we go again, freakin' Groundhog Day,
- You owe me a dollar,
- Oh, freakin' doesn't count,
You're it,
- Yeah, it, it has,
it's been about three months since that invoice,
If you could get that out to me,
I'd really, really appreciate it, okay?
Guys, really, really?
Just, you're gonna get me arrested with all this water,
Hey Jim!
Yeah, it's true,
How are you?
Pay me,
I'm kidding, not really, I mean,,,
Yeah if you could, uh, you could send a check sometime soon,
I was just joking around but I do kind of
need you to send that, it's been a few months,
Guys really, just try to get some soap on the car,
I like the whole thing, no not you, I'm watching,
I'm at a car wash,
Okay, thanks,
You guys are the worst car washers in the world,
- Jesus Christ,
Pop,
Hey,
You okay? It's me,
- Oh hi,
- Hi, - Hi,
Buckle up, safety,
- This car is quiet,
this is great, this is fantastic,
- Alright, you good?
- Yeah, it's good to see you,
- It's good to see you too, Pop, let's go home,
- Where are we going?
- Home,
- Okay,
- What's that?
Mm-hmm,
Yeah, buddy you gotta reduce the fractions there and there,
- No, no, that's not the way he's telling us
because he says we have to-- - I'm on the phone,
I'm on the phone, on the phone,
- Well you're doing it wrong,
- Tell me something I don't know,
- Tone,
- Really? - Max, stop being a cop,
- No, yeah I understand, I get it,
Just in the future if there's any other work that you had,
I would be open to, can you hold on just one second pl-,
Hello?
Hey, babe?
- Oh my god, this place hon,
it's like Three Gardens meets Martha Stewart,
No, it's really bad, it's horrible,
Oh, no,
These are bills,
These are all bills, these are bills,
How long have you had these?
Oh, god,
No babe, I gotta call you back, I gotta call you back,
Oh wait, wait, wait, you gotta get the cake today,
you gotta get the cake today,
Pop!
You have to order it today or it won't be ready in time,
Fine, I'll call Paula,
Yeah,
No, she'll come watch the kids, I'll call Paula,
I'm gonna call her, I'm gonna call her,
I'm calling her, calling her right now you can't stop me,
you can't stop me, okay I love you, bye,
- Dad?
- Hey, I'm good, I'm good, don't worry,
- If I'm done, can I play guitar?
- Yeah,
- What?
- I gotta go on an errand, okay?
Are you okay with Auntie Paula coming over?
- Yeah, she paints my nails and talks about boys,
- You do know that Auntie Paula is not your real aunt right?
- Yeah, she's Mommy's bestie after you,
- You also know that she's crazy, right?
- She says you have issues, what's that?
- Well that's something I'm gonna talk to her about later,
Hey, are you the smartest girl in the world?
- Says you,
- And do boys think you ruin
all your stuffed animals?
- Says you,
- I love you,
- Well that was quick,
Did you hear there was a one dollar special
on well drinks here?
- Oh hey, captain tool,
I live two doors down, I could be here in a heartbeat,
How is she?
- She's Bailey, she's excellent,
- Yeah I know, she barely could get a sentence out
on the phone between all the ice munching so, not okay,
You know that right?
- Yes I know that,
Like I know about the auto renewal on your Eharmony account,
Don't kill my kids,
- Try not to screw up everything,
Scoutie,
- Hi, Paula,
- I brought lip gloss and my old retainer,
- Is that good or bad?
- You gotta be kidding me,
- Uh, excuse me,
We're waiting here,
You can't cut the line, - No cuts,
- I'm just,,,
So this is, this is the line?
This is the line to get a cake?
- Yeah,
- It is, and the end is over there,
- Are you serious?
Over there? - Over there, yeah,
- Oh, here!
- Mm-hmm,
- Tourist,
- Dickhead,
No, no, no, no, no, don't do it,
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
- But this is the line for the fancy cake?
- Yeah, this is the line for the cakes,
Careful, you do not want to cut,
they're crazy about cuts, okay?
- Okay, but this is the line for the fancy cake?
- Yeah, yeah,
- Okay, okay,
I have a daughter, five years old,
- Yeah,
- All she want is a Penelope Power Princess cake
and the guy who owns this place, um,,,
- Josh?
- Josh, yes, him!
I read that he's the best for these cakes,
- Yeah?
- My mom and me, we've been saving money
for months to buy her cake,
She's gonna be so happy,
- She's gonna love it, - Bakery's closing
in five minutes, if you're here to pick up, raise your hand,
We'll be taking five more new orders
and the rest are on Monday,
- Are you kidding, there's six people,
You can get one more, right?
- Five more orders,
- Are you serious?
One more?
Do you wanna go ahead of me?
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah, absolutely,
Go get that cake,
- Thank you,
- You're welcome,
get in there, - Thank you so much,
Thank you,
- You're welcome,
Hello,
Hi,
- Hola,
Do you speak English?
Espanol?
Si',
Oh, uhhh, je mappelle-uhhh, como se llama, Drew,
- Drew? - Drew,
- Okay,
- I want to order a cake, uh cake-o, cake-o,
Cake-o,
Feliz coplianos!
- Ahhh! La torta por las cumpleanos? - Si, si, si, si,
Perfect, sounds great,
I got this, it's like 20, $20,
Si, you just give it to them, Uhh mas?
I know it's more, I know it's more,
I know, I know, you pay in full, si?
Okay, okay,
Un momento? Un momento?
I come right back, - Si,
Horale', Hello?
Mas money, but for you,
You like it?
- Si,
- For you,
- Gracias,
- And cake,
Torta you say, si?
Perfect,
Para feliz cumpleanos cake,
My daughter, my nina,
She's,,,
Strong,
Ahh fuerte',
Fuerte! But sweet,
Ahh dulce'
So, por the torta,
No princessa, everyone says for girls--
- Princessa?
- No, no princess,
- Frozen,
let it go, let it go, - Frozen, yeah,
Okay, um,
Uh-huh, yeah, something like that but eh,
poquito princess,
Good princess like Amelia Earhart, Rosita Riveter,
- Si, - Si,
No, no, no princess,
A little bit princessa,
a little bit pero,
Tu nina es poquito princessa, poquito pero?
- No, - Si, si, si, si,
And chocolate,
- Ah, La TORTA de chocolate!
- Yeah, the torta,
No, not my nina is the pero,
So, The torta with the pero, in chocolate,
Un pero de chocolate', un torta por la nina que una princessa,
Si, so easy,
Gracias,
Okay, thank you,
- I just sorta wish one of them would get me to stop eating,
- Hey, hon,
You okay? Kids asleep?
- Yep, 20 minutes ago, you're welcome,
- How are you?
- I'm totally checked out
but Vicodin is neat, and so is that,
- Mm, okay I got dinner,
What do you want, I can--
- Already handled, I made stew,
Mommy and shorties are all happy and fed,
And there's some leftovers for you,
I didn't keep it hot because I didn't know
what time you'd get home, so,
- Well it smells incredible Paula,
Did you brew this up in your passive aggressive cauldron?
- Hey did you um,,,
- I did,
- And Josh understood everything?
- Mm-hmm,
- Hon, you spoke to Josh directly, right?
- Sure, kind of,
- Oh,
I told you, remember I told you specifically,
talk to Josh directly?
Remember when I said specifically--
- I went there and I ordered it from Josh's assistant
and he took the order and it's great and it's fine
and he said it's gonna be perfect,
- Oh no Drew, I told you, I told you--
- Will you just trust me, please?
- Fine,
Fine,
- Seriously? That's it?
That is a lame fight,
- Before I forget, how is the dating scene treating you?
- You are a bad, mean man,
Can you get me some ice?
- I am in like if you must know and he's amazing
and intelligent and has a real job,
Thank you,
- So, ancient,
- Mature,
- You know what honey, he sounds great,
He sounds great, don't you play along with him, okay?
Could you maybe get me some ice?
- I will call you in the morning,
I love you, you gorgeous obviously blind midget,
You call me if you need anything,
Good night, you giant strapping hemorrhoid,
- Honestly Paula, thank you so much
for taking care of her for me,
- I always do,
- Oh also, before I forget,
What kind of women over the age of 40 gets the clap anyway?
- Oh my god,
- It was a bladder infection,
And could you, you,
You possibly one time not tell him
everything that I tell you,
- I'm an idiot,
- Yeah but you're entertaining
and you have really pretty kids so
I forgive you, I love you,
- Love you,
- Hey,
Hey,
How are you?
For real, I mean you okay?
Hon, we need to kind of talk about this stuff,
- Can I just postpone all the feeling stuff
and give you all these lists and tasks and duties?
- You said duties,
- Okay, moving on,
So listen I'm about to get hijacked by all this doctor crap
so can you maybe take off tomorrow, maybe Thursday,
take the kids and take care of all this?
- Okay here's the thing,
I was lining up work for the next few days
and I was just thinking that,,,
Never mind,
- You're gonna work my cancer away,
- No, no, I mean maybe,
I, I,,,
Do you remember the bills last time?
- Yeah,
- Forget I even said that, - Okay, yeah,
I need you, this is where I need you,
You are serving a greater purpose,
You are helping me and the universe, okay?
Please just please? Please?
- Yes,
- Okay good,
I still have to hire a live-in for Dad
and we still have to book Popo, get the decorations,
there's a cake maybe, - I did that,
- Okay, maybe a backup or two,
Not to mention everything around here like the cleaning
and the shopping and the laundry,
- Hey wait a second, who's Poopoo?
- Popo, the puppy wrangler,
- What?
Puppies, why?
- It's what Scout wanted, we talked about this, I told you,
- No, well, we have two dogs, what--
- It's what Scout want-,
just listen, just listen,
I need you, okay?
This couldn't have happened at a worse time
and I have to try and get through this
and I have to do it now,
Can you please get me some ice?
- Look hon, I think we should just postpone the party,
- I'm not gonna p--
I don't wanna p--
I'm not gonna postpone,
No, I'm not postponing, I'm not,
The invites already went out, people are ready,
it is in less than two weeks,
I need to obsess on this,
I'm not gonna let this hijack my life again, okay?
Can you please just understand?
- Yes,
And I love you,
And I will continue to love you
after you crack all those teeth in half,
- I need to end this day,
- Okay well you know what?
I have a remedy for that,
- No, no, - Yeah,
I think we just need to do our thing,
- It's not a thing, stop with the thing,
- Isn't it magical?
- It's magical, honey,
- It's the healing power of dance,
- Mm-hmm,
That's super, mm-hmm,
- You like that? - Yeah, I like it,
- I'm curing you,
- You're not curing me, but I love you,
You're very cute, - I love you,
- I'm going to bed,
- I'll be in in a bit,
It's a lovely thing we got
going on here, - It's not a thing,
- Hi,
- I love you,
How do you feel?
- A little anxious,
Kind of sleepy,
How do you feel?
- In love with you,
- Ugh, Boo pooped, pooped, pooped on the rug,
- Okay, alright, - Come on,
- Alright come here, I cleaned it,
but it just, - No, no, no, no, no,
sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, - Stinks in there,
- Come on Boo,
come on, - Max you gotta get dressed,
Alright honey, did you oversleep?
- Yeah I overslept, overslept a little bit, okay?
I'm sorry,
- What's that?
What's that, I don't even know what that is,
That's like fish?
- Fish?
- I don't know, - We haven't had fish lately,
- Okay listen honey, I got a list for you,
okay, it's-- - Do you need that for school?
- Anal and it's irritating and it's, I'm sorry,
- What's anal?
- Anal means bossy, honey, and poison,
So just don't ever say it, - Don't worry about it,
- And run if you hear anyone else say it to you,
Hey hon, I gotta poo, have you got this?
- No Romeo, I do not, I have camp now and
we got a whole bunch of stuff to do,
If you just check in during the day,
we have Dr, Daly at 11,
That's, mm, stuck, that's not coming out,
- 11?
- Mom!
- Kids?
Go brush your teeth, Max go brush your teeth,
- If she wears flip flops
she's gonna get sent home,
- She will now wear flip flops, okay?
Seriously hon, I was gonna bid a job today,
Is there anything that could wait aside from my poop?
- No honey, no,
Everything got pushed because of the doctors appointments,
the pre-op stuff, insurance calls,
- Okay fine, fine, I'll see you at 11,
- Why are you yelling at me?
- Because I'm trying to scare the poop back in,
- Yes, yes, - No, no,
I'll trade you,
- No, that's all you,
That's all you and you're hot,
- I don't feel too hot right now, I feel horrible,
I love you, - I love you,
- I'm strangely attracted to you right now,
- You're so stinky,
I love you, get 'er done,
So good,
When you guys say next time "I just wanna do crunches,"
and then I systematically punch you all
in your whining faces, no one gets to sue me, right?
- Ugh, fine,
- Yeah, whatever,
- Good,
- How many calories does hate burn?
- Oh my god, everybody up, up, kettles,
You're all gonna pay for Debbie's naivety,
Let's go, kettles, rip it, pull it,
So no class on Thursday, okay?
- Does anybody else pee every time we do jacks?
- I just do it preemptively now when I get out of the car,
- Hang on wait, why is there no class on Thursday?
I mean not that I don't need a break,
- Me too, plus I have to do taxes,
- What? What's going on?
- Yeah, you either binged on kids cereal
or there's something wrong,
- Okay I might have a touch of recurrent boob cancer,
It's not a big deal,
- God seriously?
I was just whining about my wrist,
- It's fine, - Somebody, anybody,
kick me in my vagina right now,
- It's fine, I got it, it's fine, seriously,
There's no caloric burn in vagina kicking,
You guys, - Oh crap,
The big party, you're gonna have to
postpone, - No, no, no,
- Do you need help? We can-- - No, oh my god,
Drew's got it,
- Of course he does,
- Yes, right, - What about,,,
What about that duct tape incident?
- Okay see now's the time for the
vagina kicking, - It's fine, seriously,
It's fine, he's got it, okay?
Now we exercise because this is like an intervention,
It's super uncomfortable,
Come on, I gave him a list,
He's got the list and it's going to be
perfect and amazing and right,
He's got this, he's a big boy,
- You're gonna pass out,
Or crap your pants,
Listen,
Stop,
- No we have not talked about
what your cancer does to my balls,
See, they've become slightly
engorged, - Oh my god,
Oh my god, you forgot the word,
- No, it's a different-- - You just--
- No, it's the Latin term, it's testiculus bigness,
- Stop,
- See, it's, and they're misshapen,
I can't even go on, hey,
Hello Drew,
- Hi,
- Yeah you're looking good,
- Thank you,
- How are you?
- This is,
- No, it's good to see you guys
are dealing as well as always,
- We're doing fine,
I have breast implants in my balls,
- Well why don't you get up here?
And why don't you drag those over here,
- Can I get a referral for something?
- Certainly, I'll write that up,
Well, so listen,
The biopsy results came back and it's HER2/neu,
- Wait, so is that better or worse?
- Oh no, it's the same aggressive cancer
we found in Bailey's right breast,
But this time we found it sooner,
Still, we know how quickly this travels,
I would like to move the surgery up,
- Fine let's do it, - We have Scout's party,
We have Scout's party,
- Are you kidding?
- This isn't a go away and think about it
kind of thing, Bailey,
This is a seconds and inches situation,
I wanna get you in next week,
We'll go with the mastectomy, we'll test the nodes,
and then immediate reconstruction and augmentation,
- Next week? - Next week,
- Yeah, postpone the party,
- Wait, wait, no, - Yes,
- We can do both, we can do both,
We can do the surgery and the party,
- No honey, we just-- - We got this,
- Fine, we'll do it next Monday then,
I should be sober and I believe my license
is good through the end of the month,
So pretty lucky all around,
- One week, - One week,
- We'll just get creative, right?
Let's make it happen, we got this,
Pop?
- What's that?
Where'd the band go?
- Uh, they,,,
Oh, okay, um,
Hey, - Oh,
How you doing, Clyde?
- I'm doing great, gorgeous, come on,
Swing your hips,
Drop it, okay last thing,
- Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop, - Away from your young,
baby girl!
- You know me?
- Yes I know you, you are my little fish,
- I'm your little fish, - Come on little fish,
let's take a little swim, huh?
Let's put a swing in the swim, flip that fin,
- You are the worst finning shaking shark,
Oh,
- Pop, Pop!
- Don't worry, don't worry,
Freeze, just freeze, - Why you pooping my party?
- I'm not, I'm not, it's okay,
We're just gonna move rooms,
- Okay, I'll get a broom and towels,
- Okay, good, good, good,
- Ow, - Okay,
Okay, okay, okay, just sit, sit, sit,
- Mama's gonna kill me if I don't clean this up,
- No, no, no, I got it, I got it, I got it,
Okay let me see, let me see this one, okay,
- Momma's gonna kill me--
- No, it's okay, it's okay Pop, it's okay, it's okay,
We'll tell her a story, okay?
There we go, alright,
- We have got to get you to school,
- So you found the place alright,
- Yeah, directions were great,
- Well Felicia recommended you,
said you were quick, reliable, one and done,
- That's what she said,
What'd she say,
- Right, anyway so I'll need some specialty pieces,
- Really, well because my specialty actually is woodwork,
I do a lot of notch work,
- I need display showing,
- Okay,
- Do you do any collecting?
- Like Elvis plates?
- No I'm thinking fine collectibles,
You see, my wife has a rare
and precious cache of collectibles
and we need display shelving to showcase them,
You know, large, functional, that won't distract the eye,
- That's what she said,
Sorry, that was involuntary,
- Takes your breath away, doesn't it?
So I'll need wall to wall casing
with shelving made to my exact specifications,
- Okay, he's all cleaned up,
He's in there watching Law and Order, podiatry or some shit,
Glass is cleaned up, feet are bandaged,
I took all the sharp knives out
and the knobs off the stove,
- God, that is so good,
Why is that so good?
Is it the chemicals?
- Yes,
Okay I have about 12 helpers lined up for you to interview,
You can have them come and go as you need
until you decide where you wanna go,
We'll be fine,
- It's just that, um,
I can't tell him,
I can't fix him, he can't fix me,
and he was the guy that I would take everything to
to make better,
Now I'm screwed,
- See, you're not,
You've got coverage,
All of us,
Hell, Blue Cross is about to pay for another perfect booby,
Perfect teat,
To make a matching new set,
Clyde's here,
He loves you like crazy,
He's still in there,
You just have to not claver,
Okay sweetie,
Come on, we gotta wrap this up,
I've got big plans for us,
- Oh no, no, no,
Oh my god if you take me to some cheese bag,
desperate housewives strip club, I will,
I will end you,
Did you just hurt yourself?
Don't, don't take me,
- Hey,
- Come in, - Hey,
Come on in, buddy,
- Hey, what's up?
- What's up, buddy? - Have a seat over here buddy,
Oh is this the helicopter explosion one?
- No, diamond heist,
- Oh, and check out the armor car, buddy,
Love that guy,
- You're an idiot,
- Six!
- What's with the number?
- Oh it's his acting teacher,
He's got him labeling all his emotions with numbers,
Trying to enrich his work and create a new process for him,
- His process,
- In the room, two,
- But how goes it with the big birthday plan of attack?
- Pretty good, I'm prepping,
- Yeah, - Oh, what's it say?
What is this?
- Popo? You got Popo?
- No, not yet, but,,,
I mean I'm calling him,
The puppy guy, right?
- Yeah, dude, Popo the puppy master is booked
up to years in advance here, okay?
- Are you kidding? - Ever since he got
that free publicity for doing Kanye's kid's birthday party,
he's the ticket in LA,
- Are you kidding?
He's a dog walker, are you kidding me?
- Hey word has it that Brangelina's
fifth orphan just got turned down,
- Jesus, - Yeah, I'm serious,
- He's not gonna do her party,
- Hey, yes hello,
I was calling to see if I could book Popo for a party,
Uh-huh,
A referral?
Of course I have a referral, my wife told me to call,
- Okay look, you have to tell them
that you're a celebrity or your wife is,
or they won't pay - Yeah,
you have to do this, - Attention to you,
they'll never,
- Yeah, my wife referred me,
She's,,,
Bette Midler,
- Bette Midler?
She's like dead, - Yep,
Hello? Hello?
It's not funny Keaton,
- Laughter?
- Yeah, little bit and a pfft at the end too,
- You know what, let's go right now,
Where is this, where's the-- - What are we gonna do?
- No, where's this Poopy located?
- We're not gonna go meet up someone named Poopy,
- Okay this is not a seven Lance,
we have to handle this with a little bit of finesse, okay?
We can't just tackle this like an Olsen twin,
- That's great, that's just, that's great,
- You totally clocked her man,
- You know what? I fell,
- On her,
- Look I can't even read half of this chicken scratch, man,
Come on Drew, what's your plan B?
- You mean after Bailey castrates me?
- We need to find some entertainment,
- Yeah, I know,
- Bro,
- What?
No, no, - Bro,
- No, absolutely not, - No, look at this,
Hey, here we go,
- Don't encourage him,
- See kids? They dig it,
Look at him,
Seriously, right Calvin? - That's one kid,
- Keaton,
Keaton, yeah, - Keaton,
I was close,
- Okay we got a lot of stuff to do
and we don't have a lot of time to do it
so let's saddle up,
- Boom, that's right Calvin!
- Keaton, - Keaton,
- If we stick with the list, we're gonna be totally fine,
- A viking party, they could totally--
- Lance,
- Swords!
- Let it go, - Ugh, five,
- Look I wasn't gonna agree with him but that doesn't mean
we can't incorporate a little bit of creativity,
- Frickin' incorporate,
- Seriously, I mean who cares about this stuff?
Scout is not gonna care,
- Mommies care, Bailey cares,
You wanna pick here to insert your creative license?
- What is that?
- It's for me, it's a taco,
- Just shut up,
Hey what's up man?
We need to get some balloons,
Four blue, four yellow, and was it three,,,
Is that my nard puppy balloon?
Mine, three mine nard,,,
- Mylar,
Three mylar puppy balloons,
- Yeah well we're back ordered
on all the puppy mylars,
We're not expecting any new stock until October,
- Okay can you call another store?
- Well I can, but they won't,
There's been like a total run on puppies
ever since the Puppy Power Box Set release,
Some of that stuff going for like
50 bucks pop on Ebay last I checked,
- These?
- Yeah,
- Well what about the display model?
- It's display only,
- I'll pay double,
- Display only,
- I'll pay even more,
Okay, hold on, guys, guys, what do you got?
Put down the taco,
- Alright I got one, - I gotta get to the ATM,
I've got a few singles, - Two,
three, - Can you guys stop
counting out loud? - I got four,
- You do scratch offs? - Hold on, I'm not done,
I got change, I got 64 cents,
Four dollars and 64 cents,
- One punch away from a free sub,
- He doesn't want, okay we got like 28 bucks,
$20 bucks, okay?
- Display only,
- Do you know any other words?
- Oh, oh, what about a belt sander?
You look like a belt sander guy,
- Wait a second,
Aren't you that midget dude who knocked out the Olsen twin?
Oh my god, hold on, hold on, whoa, whoa,
Oh,
- Four,
- Okay, take all this, take my wallet,
I got an idea, I'll be right back,
- Okay,
You think we might be able to get that display dog?
- No,
- How's it feel?
To be a dream crusher,
- Last time I watch your horrible kids,
- Right?
Don't they suck?
I'm selling them,
- Market's right,
This wasn't supposed to happen,
This is all bullshit,
- Ooh, you owe me a dollar,
- They each made like $17 off of me today, whatever,
You're gonna be fine, right?
Right?
- Yes, yes, everybody's fine,
Except Drew is improvising,
- How's he doing with all this?
- He's,,,
He's just,,,
I don't know,
Wow,
I suck,
- No, your boobs suck,
You suck and you suck,
Listen, everyone had snacks,
did homework, and dug ditches for me,
- Alright, thanks again sweets,
You at camp tomorrow?
- I can't wait to pee in my pants and barf up coffee,
Have fun with your sucky kids,
- Come here sucky kids, come here,
- Oh, here we go,
- This is ridiculous, you know that?
- Not if it works, - Yeah,
- Thank you so much for doing this man,
I really appreciate it,
Okay just go in there, and don't talk,
and just be my big, intimidating Black friend,
That's all you gotta do,
- What?
- Listen up, alright?
We need these damn balloons,
okay, alright?
Ooh,
What I'm saying is let us have the balloons,
- She doesn't like ponies?
What every little kid likes,
oh, oh, nevermind, we got it, puppies on the way,
I can't believe this,
I promise, I will never ask you to do this again,
- Oh you are such a liar, but I love your wife,
- Hey I need entertainment for this party,
What are you doing this week?
I need a wing man,
- Mm-mm, - Uh hello,
sitting right here,
- A Black super gay wing man,
- Ooh, you are so cute when you're desperate, okay?
But no,
- You okay?
- Sure, can I have some milk?
- Yes, yes you can have some milk,
You sure?
- Yeah,
- Alright,
Look at me,
Spill it,
Come here, come here,
One, two, three, oh my god,
Okay, you know that I will hunt and torture you
until you give in, so,
- I know about Santa,
- Oh,
Who squealed?
- Kids talk about it at school, but I came to it on my own,
Don't go after anyone, okay?
- Okay,
- I've known for a while, I just,
I didn't want you to be sad,
I don't know why I'm so sad right now,
- Oh baby,
Okay,
- I'm right, right?
- Alright I know that it's hard sometimes,
this growing up thing,
But I want, I need you to know
that there is beauty and magic in the world, okay?
There are things of mystery and awe
everywhere you look and go,
- Mm-hmm,
Like aliens and Sasquatch and the black hole,
- Yeah, yeah,
And sunrises and hope and human kindness,
Can you trust me that this is important?
That I need you to fight, okay?
To always believe in that, okay?
- Mm-hmm, I get it,
- Alright, can you just hug me for a second?
- I heard you talking to Aunt Paula,
I know the cancer's back,
- Oh babe,
Is that what all this Santa, I'm a big guy stuff is about?
- Kinda, I just want you to know I can handle it,
I'll be okay,
You were okay last time,
You'll be okay this time, right?
- Yes,
I'm gonna be okay,
Look at me, I'm gonna be fine,
- Okay,
- Alright, trust me, I'm gonna be fine,
Oh my god,
- Can I play video games now?
- Yes, I get five more seconds,
- Five,
- Okay,
Okay, get out of here,
- Okay, I thought this was gonna be fun,
Get that away from, that doesn't have a face,
I don't want, I'm not looking at it,
- Lance, - No,
I can't, - Come here Lance,
- We need to go,
- I know, - Right now, I can't,
Now, because I can't,
Stop,
- Come on,
come on, he loves it, - I'm serious, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna punch you in the face,
Okay everything about that was wrong,
Seriously, are you getting paid like a lot to do this?
- Money's alright,
Weird thing is that guy, he's not even married,
- Ew,
Are you like, I mean okay with Bailey and all the,,,
- Oh yeah, yeah, I'm,
I mean as good as can be expected, right?
- Because I mean if you ever, you need to
talk or I don't know, uh,
I can listen or whatever,
Because you probably are thinking about some
pretty horrible stuff, I mean,
I bet you can think of things that are like the worst
possible scenarios,
This is kind of an Alan thing, isn't it?
- Yep,
- Do you wanna hug or?
- Nope,
- Shotgun,
- You know honey I have no idea where Scout is,
- I really wanted to see if I could find her
because I need to give her a tickle,
Rahh,
You like that, you like that?
- Dada you must tickle the child,
- No I must wash the stink from my body,
- Yeah, honey come on were not done here,
You gotta finish,
- Let me go say hi to boy,
then I'll come share my stink with you,
- Uh, goodie,
Hold on babe,
Max overheard Paula on the phone today
and he knows all about,,,
We talked and Scout still,,,
- How'd it go?
- He's processing,
- Wonder where he gets it from,
- Shut up, go bouncing,
- Dad, watch,
- Nice,
Hey buddy, come here,
I wanna talk to you,
Hey so I heard you talked to Mom today,
You okay?
- I guess,
- You know your mom's like the strongest woman
in the world, right?
- Mm-hmm,
- She's not going anywhere,
Do you get that?
- Yeah,
- It's just this cancer thing is just
one big old pain in the butt,
Or boob,
- Is Mom okay with Grandpa
and all this stuff that's going on?
- Your Mom has a very specific way of dealing with things,
Like you,
- Did you see that?
- Yes, do you wanna do it again?
- Please? - One more time, big man,
- Hi, Scoutie,
- Hi Dada,
Hey babe, can you get this for me?
- Yeah,
Oh my god, you look so hot,
You should stay home, we should do it right now,
What is this? - A zipper,
- Oh,
- It's weird actually looking at them,
- I know right?
Look at Scout, she's like a baby and he's
- So little,
- God, I haven't seen these since then,
I mean it's weird how I was all gung ho to film everything
and then just not,
- Okay, you had some stuff on your mind,
- Ah, that's Paula,
- Yeah, let's pretend we're not here,
Seriously, we could be having sex right now,
- Super idea, - Mm-hmm,
- No,
It's ladies night,
- Wow hating it, okay, - Let's go,
- I don't even know what you,,,
Ew,
- What's in that?
- Everything, I put everything in there,
- Oh, god,
We have to get out of here,
- What, you want a beer?
- You smell like beer,
- You want a bagel with shmear?
- You guys, this is good, this is good,
Good, good, good, good, - We did good,
- We should go,
- Oh come on, Debbie hasn't even taken her top off yet,
We need to wait,
- Alright Debbie, five minutes for that to happen
or, or two lumbersexuals pass by, and then we can go,
One, there's one, one,
- Debbie, drink up,
- Alright we're almost there, it's so close,
It's so hot, you should probably take your top off,
Hello?
Yes, hi, hi Mr, Lewis,
Yes,
- I'm gonna go dance,
- When I was a young child I liked to come here,
What's up?
- Dad's landlord,
- Mr, Shitsburg?
- Yes, there's music and he says he's calling the cops,
Drew's on his way over there, I have to go,
- Okay, you gotta go,
- We're going?
- Yep, we gotta go
now, - Not now,
Oh but Debbie, she hasn't even taken off her top yet,
- Really bitch?
That's like the third time you've bumped into me,
- What?
Really?
- Yeah, watch where you're going,
Apologize, you need to say sorry, seriously,
- Oh you're kidding right now,
See, I was gonna make it okay,
I pushed you,
- Uh, yeah, - Did I push you like that?
- Wow you did
not just do that, - I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
Did I push you like that?
- No it was like this,
- No it was more like that,
- Oh god, Jesus lady, come on!
- Clyde?
- I'm calling the police, you hear me?
- Yes, Mr, Lewis,
I'm very sorry, I'm gonna go in,
I'm gonna turn down the music,
Don't worry about it, okay?
- I'm calling the police,
He loves his music,
You know what I love?
- Your tank top?
- I love a good bagel and cream cheese
and a nice glass of 2% milk
and my peace and quiet,
I won't have it anymore,
- Okay, it's fine, fine,
Just please sir, just go back inside,
- He's out by the end of the month,
- Look, just give him a chance,
- I'm done,
You and that lady can just
take him, - What?
What'd you say?
No,
That's my wife, okay?
I don't want you even thinking her name,
you understand that?
If you're gonna say any more dumb shit right now,
I'll have the city inspector around here so fast,
Shut the hell up,
- He's out by the end of the month,
- Fine, - Already started
the paperwork, - Fine, stop talking,
Piss off back inside,
- What's going on out here?
Are you a taxi driver?
- No, Clyde it's me,
Bailey's husband, Drew,
- Oh well, come on inside,
- You asked everyone?
- Yep, just about,
Nobody smokes cigarettes anymore, they all just vape,
- It's because they're tourists,
Ugh,
Where is the car?
- Mm, Uber says 15 minutes,
- Paula,
Did you see her face?
- She's fine,
- You looked?
You looked at her after?
Did you see?
- She's okay, she,,,
She was stupid anyway,
- Wilma,
Will you do me a huge favor?
Will you find me a cigarette?
Just one, just one,
Remember that time you guys?
When it was the whole class was burpees
for the entire hour and that's all I did?
Please help me, please get me anything, please,
- That was mean,
- I'm mean,
I'm mean now,
- That was a hell of a sandwich,
- Glad you liked it,
- You did good work Drew,
- You remember who I am?
- Sure,
You're the other man in my sweet Bay's life,
- Yeah well I think her heart's
always gonna belong to Daddy,
- So how's it going?
You treating my little girl right?
- Yes, absolutely,
Yeah,
I don't know what the hell I'm doing,
It's like they should give you a map for this crap,
All this stuff comes up, right?
And you just, you're trying to like stay on top of it
and you just,,,
Whatever you do, just more and more stuff keeps piling up,
you never,,,
I feel like I can never fix it, right?
I just wanna fix it, but every time you fix something,
something else comes up, every single day,
- It's like trying to hold water in your bare hands,
- Yes, yes, exactly you know?
It's like trying to hold water
and I need this water,
And I can't afford not to get it right,
- You know what I know?
Love's the answer to everything,
And a bucket,
You need something to hold all that water right?
I mean if you're the one standing by the hole in the dam,
you're gonna need a mighty strong finger,
If not, get ready for the flood,
My Bay, she's a hell of a swimmer,
We would tread water for days,
So you might wanna stop trying to hold onto all that water
and start treading, or maybe float,
She'll float with you,
- You have got to lock the door,
- It's a little creepy,
- God, why aren't we doing that every night?
- Because we're stupid,
You, mostly,
When did bar fights make you so horny?
- Oh it was a life affirming thing,
- You wanna talk about it?
- No, I don't,
It was embarrassing and mortifying and
no I don't wanna talk about it, I just want you to be here
and perfect and warm and you,
- Done,
- Dad was,,,
- Aw,
- Hmm?
- Hon, it's time, you know he's,,,
- Okay, I mean I know the place
that I would want him to go, I was just
waiting for it to get bad,
- It's time, it's bad,
What?
- Do the thing,
Do, do the thing,
- Oh, no, no,
- Do the thing,
do the thing, - No,
- Come on, I need it,
I need it, - I don't want it,
why? - I need it,
- Oh these look perfect,
To want for love it for the action,
Ah!
- What's happening? - I love it,
It's good, nothing disrupts the series when I get going,
Okay,
♪ Hurts so much, I can't believe it, ♪
♪ but I'm gonna keep on doing it ♪
♪ because you have fucking cancer, ♪
- Yes, yes, more kicks,
- That?
What, this old thing?
This old thing?
Fucking 360 shit,
Love that,
You see that shit?
- I did, I saw it,
I'm gonna have an aneurism,
- It's happy sometimes,
sometimes I get so happy when I dance,
Smooth jams,
Oh pancake,
Pancake,
Mm, babe you're my griddle,
- No you're so gross,
Ew, you're sweaty too,
- Hey Max is worried about you,
- About the cancer?
We talked,
- The cancer, the Dad,
your reactions to things,
- Wait, he said this to you?
- Not in so many words, but,,,
- In what kind of words, Drew?
In his words?
In your words?
What kind of words were said actually?
- Babe come on, don't get all,,,
- What, what, obsessive?
Psychotic, violent?
- No, I didn't say any of that,
- Hmm, no well I get it though,
- No, no, you infer it,
- Well that's how most feelings are conveyed by men,
- Well that's how most women extrapolate or,
this is ridiculous, what are we doing?
- This is fun, Drew, this is so fun,
This is what I need right now,
My dad is checking out and I have cancer,
- What, that is so unfair,
What am I supposed to do with that, huh?
That's like the mic drop of the universe,
Stop,
- You stop,
- Bay,
- Look I know that this is the part
where we're supposed to kiss and make up
and it's all fine again, but I'm mad,
I'm mad at everything and I will eventually come up for air
but right now, mad is working,
- Well in that case, piss off,
- Better, better,
Okay we have balloons, right?
- Yep,
- Okay good because Alonzo is very attached to those,
Hey are we okay?
- Yes I'm just shitting, hon,
You taking that off the list?
- Mm-hmm,
- Hon, everything is fine,
Everything is gonna get handled,
You just gotta trust me, alright?
- Okay,
Alright so I'm getting party favors and,,,
Oh, oh,
- What?
- I still haven't told Scout,
I mean about the entire surgery,
I kept waiting, oh my god,
- Shit, me too,
- Okay, okay,
I'm doing it now, I'm doing it right now,
Okay this is bullshit,
Remember when Mommy had Scout
and I had to go to the hospital for a couple days
and you stayed with Ishi and Pop Pop?
Well Mommy's got to go in the hospital again,
- This was last time when I was four,
You were just a baby,
- Aw look how little you were,
- A doctor is going to do something
called an operation on me,
No, you're gonna be at Ishi and Pop Pop's,
You know how sometimes you get a school note as a kid?
- Just listen, okay?
- Fine,
- That's what a doctor's gonna do for Mommy in a hospital,
A doctor's gonna go in and get the booby out,
- The boo boo, - The boo boo,
- Why'd you call it a booby?
- Well the boo boo is in my booby
so the doctor is gonna, you can't see it,
- Okay,
- It doesn't show, it's inside, under my skin,
- They did an x-ray and they found
an ouchie in there,
- No, no the doctors are gonna make sure
Mommy has lots of good medicine so nothing hurts,
They're gonna go and they're gonna get the boo boo out
and then Mommy's gonna come home with these bandages on
and then they're gonna send me home,
♪ Please ♪
♪ Don't go away ♪
- You okay?
- Yeah,
You okay?
- I was just thinking,
where am I gonna possibly deposit this pesky boob
and here we are,
- You're an idiot,
I love you,
- Even all jacked up?
- Especially,
It makes you really need and appreciative,
Come here,
- Lucine to ICU please, Lucine to ICU,
- Hey, - Hey,
- Any word?
- Doctor came by about an hour ago
and said that the uh,,,
They checked the lymph nodes and it hadn't spread,
so that's good,
- That's great, - Yeah,
- Paging Dr, Stavis, Dr, Stavis please,
- They still gotta finish up the surgery but,
and biopsy the tissue but you know,
just wanna make sure it's not invasive,
I sent everyone else home,
- Okay,
- What are they gonna do, right?
- Yeah,
Are you sure about--
- Mm-hmm,
Yes,
He said he wanted to come,
I gotta let him,
- Nah, no you're right,
You're doing the right thing,
- Yeah?
- Yeah,
You're good,
Okay,
- I'll call you, - Yeah,
- Thanks for coming by,
Hey,
- Hi, - Hey,
Look at me,
Who's this guy?
Sit down,
So this is what we do, we sit here,
You scared?
- Yeah,
- Yeah, me too,
There's nothing wrong with that,
You know she's gonna be fine right?
And I'm very proud of you for coming here,
I love you,
- I love you,
- The first step to recovery is admitting you got a problem,
- I need one of them grab, grabber things,
The grabby, the grab things,
- A hand?
Ooh, somebody's got a shiny ladder,
- Don't even talk to me, you're a traitor, okay?
- I got you those damn balloons, didn't I?
- You gonna be okay for a little while?
Did you OD her?
- I haven't even given her today's yet,
- I'm fine, I'm fine,
My tongue was numb,
I said, I have Zo, do you have the list?
- Yeah I got the list, okay?
I got three places to go and I'm gonna take Lance with me,
- Wait, Why?
- It's gonna be fine,
- Why do you have a ladder?
- Ooh, maybe he's just happy to see me,
- That makes zero sense,
I need to go to work,
- Wait, well what about the kids?
- Kids are fine, Paula's gonna pick them up from school,
we got Marty Poppins here,
You're gonna be asleep all or like on Vicodin so,
I got it, don't worry,
- Wait, wait no, you can't got this,
You can't just got this, okay?
What if none of these guys work out?
We promised Scout something really special,
She's been talking about it all week,
- Honey, I said I got this, okay?
- Well you can't just got this and go out to work,
You can't double book,
- Honey, I need to go to work, okay?
We need the money right now,
- We need to take care of Scout,
- Scout's fine, you're the one that's kinda--
- Oh I'm the one, I'm the one,
Okay it's me, do you see that?
It's me, it's all about me and my thing,
No you, you can't screw this up, Drew,
- Yeah I'll try not to screw it up, okay?
- Oh my god,
- I love you, please take care of her for me,
- Drew, ouch, you can't walk out,
I can't follow you, that's not fair,
Shit,
Shit, shit,
Shit, shit, shit, ow,
Shit, ow,
- Elizabeth Taylor, how's this working out for you?
- It's not,
- Geez,
- Wait did you just call me fat?
- Not exactly,
- Seriously?
After all of it, after cancer and Dad and the party
and no money and whatever?
I know in my head those are all gonna be okay,
That, I can't do that, I can't do that with him,
If he and I aren't okay, I feel like I can't breathe,
And I'm the one that's making it not okay for awhile,
I just can't right now,
- Stop,
You need to prioritize,
You killed the cancer beast, and you live to tell,
You're here,
Now, you're ass got problems but
they're quality problems,
Being so in love you can't fight right?
Quality problem,
Ones frankly I wish I had,
I'd kill for,
It's a problem, yes,
But,
one born out of abundance,
Mm,
I said that, bam,
♪ I know she feel me ♪
♪ I know she got the big bum, come and get me ♪
♪ I know she got me ♪
♪ I know she want me ♪
♪ I feel when you're looking at me ♪
♪ Nothing like the swagger ♪
♪ Swagger ♪
♪ I see her trippin' 'cause she know I got the moves ♪
♪ Got that smooth move gotta do anything like I do ♪
♪ Won't need you ♪
♪ Won't need to hustle 'cause you know I got the muscle ♪
♪ And now I'm-a serve it up right with that attitude ♪
♪ Mommy's a looker and I know she like that style ♪
♪ The fresh Abercrombie keep her happy for a while ♪
- I usually find magicians creepy,
- Because they're touched by gods,
- Wow,
- He's kidding, he's kidding,
- Okay, - Oh you almost took,
that's great, - You got us,
- Wow rough day?
- Yeah just a little bit,
- Three,
- So, - So,
- Okay I get it, you know I'll just cut to the chase,
I book magicians,
myself included,
- So like a traditional kids birthday party, right?
- Do you have a dollar or a bill, any kind of bill?
Can't explain it can you?
Neither can I, it's magic,
Right?
- Wow,
You're good,
- You like that? - Yeah,
- That was kinda awesome, - That was amazing,
- Saturday, you busy?
- Uh let me check my, no,
- Excellent, excellent,
Stop it, - Is it dead?
- Yep, it's dead, - Dead bird?
- Clyde,
Clyde,
Clyde?
Clyde!
- Get off me!
- Okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay,
- Who are you?
- I'm Drew, I'm Drew,
- I don't know you,
- Yes, yeah you do,
I'm your son-in-law,
Bailey's husband, - Get out of here,
How'd you get in here?
- Keys, I have keys,
Hold on, look,
- Keys? - Yeah,
Okay, can I show you?
- What? - I got a picture,
You hit your head, okay?
Sit down,
I'm showing you right here,
You know me, we are friends, okay?
Who's that?
Little,,,
- That's little fish, yeah,
And then the kids, - Then the kids,
- Who's-- - That guy,
- Hi,
- How you doing bud?
- Hit my head,
- I know,
So I'm gonna get you an ice pack, okay?
- It hurts, - I know,
- Yes, - Okay,
We're good right?
- Yes we are thank you, - You sure?
- Okay,
- Your resume looks amazing,
Thank you,
You know, let me, let me,
- Thank you,
Hello you,
Is he okay?
I'm coming over,
- Well Clyde's doing better,
Everyone's getting dressed right now,
Are you sure you're okay watching them for a little bit?
- Sure, it'll give us time to get to know each other,
- Thank you,
What is that?
- Goo, it's awesome,
- Yeah, you gotta touch it, it's super cool,
- It's just cornstarch and water,
- Seriously, do it, - I figured it'd keep us
busy for a bit,
- Ew,
- I have three nieces and two nephews so
you learn to rely on the little things,
Kid love their messes,
- Hey, you're not by chance a serial killer are you?
- No,
- You a klepto?
- No,
- What about a cult member?
- No,
- Well you're hired,
- Thank you,
But I only think I can help you in a limited capacity,
Your father-in-law, he needs more,
He's getting to a point where it's dangerous
for him to be on his own,
He's going to need assisted living,
and sooner rather than later,
- Bailey's gonna be a tough sell on that,
- It's not surprising,
She's a very strong woman,
I speak from experience,
The thing about being strong is that when you do that,
you are that for long enough
and you begin to forget how to stop,
The really strong ones, they're the ones
that can let themselves break a little,
just enough so someone can help mend them,
You just wait for that break,
- You okay?
Just gonna be gentle,
Does it hurt?
It's okay?
That hurt?
It's really good,
She did a really good job,
Yeah, - Yeah?
- No she did a really good job,
- Okay,
- You're gonna like it,
- Okay,
- I love you,
Okay,
- You're back,
- So the food is done
and the cake is,,,
- In the fridge,
Lance picked it up on the way over,
- Oh Lance is doing the creeper thing,
- You're kidding me,
- Yeah, can you stop it?
- Lance?
- Hey what's up beautiful lady?
I see you,
What?
- Dude, you have to stop hitting on all the moms,
- I'm not doing that,
- You totally are,
They're all married, they all have kids,
and you're kind of freaking them out,
- Okay fine,
Alright?
Hey didn't I see you at the sandbox earlier?
- We're completely here,
I don't know,
- That was you,
- Oh my god, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
- Are you kidding me? - What?
- Just there, - We had a moment earlier,
- Do me a favor, - You weren't there,
- Lance, go watch the trampoline, okay?
There's like 10 kids in there, you're in charge,
That's your zone, yeah, - Right now?
Cool, six!
- Yeah, you got a mission,
- So in 30 minutes, the pizza, then kid activities,
then at one p,m,, Frank,
- Hap, - Hap,
- Yeah, it's 1:30,
- Hap at 1:30
and his magical parades,
- Yes, way to go with the flow,
- Going with the flow is kid party suicide, okay?
Parents all get trapped waiting on the cake
and you don't hold your guests hostage,
- Okay, honey? - Yes,
- I got this,
- You do got this,
So freaking cute,
Just making little checks on my list,
Plus pretty sure I double dosed my Vicodin,
- You're kidding me,
- Woo!
- That explains a lot,
- Maybe, or maybe not,
- Love you,
- I love you,
Bubbles,
Oh,
- Nope, absolutely not, sit down,
Scoutie!
Come here,
- So everybody's good?
- Yep, all good,
- Okay,
- Don't worry Mom, Dad's got this,
- Yeah he does, baby,
- When's the bunny guy coming?
- Bunny guy is soon,
- Hey you know what?
Why don't you go get a brush
and I will give you some cornrows,
- Okay,
- Awesome,
You
are on a shitload of drugs right now,
- Okay, define shitload,
- Alan?
Alan,
Can you come inside for a little bit please?
- Well it's all I can see,
It's bizarro,
- Hey,
- Who is that?
- I have no idea,
- Holy shit,
- I don't, it might have been like
a language barrier or something, I don't get it,
- That's an edible nightmare,
- No, I need some solutions here, okay?
Work with me,
- Wow, is this blood?
- I don't know,
You know, maybe it's not that bad,
- Come on, man,
Dude if you take that out there, you're getting divorced,
- Okay, I get it,
Hello?
Um yeah, Hap,
Hey, what's up? Yeah,
Uh, wait, no,
No, no Hap,
You get off the freeway and you take side streets, okay?
Hap, Hap,
Hello?
Uh, something,
- Okay,
- Uh hey babe?
- Yeah,
- We might have a slight problem,
Hap, the magician that we hired,
Well he was on the 118 and there's an oil spill there
and there's not a chance in hell he's gonna make it today,
Okay?
So that's what it is but I think everything's gonna be fine,
- Okay,
- Because you know what?
I got this, - You got this, yes,
I do think that you got this,
I do, I do, I seriously want you to got this but, um,
you know, now would be about the time
that you would go about getting it,
- The cake, - Yeah, yeah,
Also my Dad is locked in the bathroom
because he can't find his guitar,
He's freaking out a little bit
and nobody knows that there's a cake so
these would all fall under the getting this category,
- I got it,
- Awesome, I love you, okay, - Love you,
- Drew? - Yeah?
- Is there anything I can help you with?
- No, no,
Yes, actually,
Can you help Bailey, or actually help Clyde,
Go find Clyde and just take care of him, okay?
Thank you,
- What?
- I thought cancer was supposed to soften you,
- Three second rule,
- How many burpees in a cupcake, Helene?
- Excuse me,
Sorry,
- Close the door,
close the door, - Alright,
where is it? - Close the door,
- Look better?
- No, mm-mm, no,
What the hell is that?
- I think it's a chupacabra,
A vampire goat killer,
- I can't, I can't even look at that,
- Okay I got a plan,
- What? - Go get me some cornstarch,
- How much?
- All the cornstarch you can find,
- Okay,
- What do you want me to do?
- I want you to go out there and entertain the kids,
I want you to entertain this party,
- Are you serious? - Yeah,
- You're not messing with me? - Not messing with you,
- I get to do this?
- You get to do this,
- This is my show, - You can go out--
- It's a one man show,
- It's pivotal, it's the role, - Can I dance?
- Yes, - Can I do the dance party?
- Yeah, yeah, - Can I make fart noises?
- Yeah, okay, - Just a little
- Sure,
- Seven, - Seven, Lance, it's seven,
- I got this, - You got this,
- For you man, - Okay, can we go now?
- Going right now, doing it,
You watch, just watch,
- Oh my god,
- How do you lose a freaking guitar?
I mean it's not like a goddamn
earring, right? - I don't know,
but you know what, I got this
because you keep checking the same drawer,
- Well that's just stupid,
- Yeah, why don't you let me handle this?
- No, no, no,
I,,,
I can't take care of my kids,
I can't throw a goddamn party,
I sure as shit can't cure cancer,
and my dad's losing his freakin' mind,
- Mom?
- Oh, baby,
God,
Come here baby, come here,
You know how sometimes when you're super frustrated
and you just wanna scream?
- Mm-hmm,
- Well Mommy gets that
a lot, - Really?
- And you wanna know what I do?
- What?
- It's super secret,
Just between us, okay?
So much better,
You wanna do it?
You're gonna do it? Okay,
- Me? - Yeah, rock it, ready?
- Nice, that was good style,
You feel better? - Yeah,
- Me too,
- Uh, is the magic guy here yet?
- Oh baby,
- There you are,
Hey do you wanna help me out with something?
- But what about the bunny guy?
- I can't even think about that
because I got a secret mission for you, if you wanna do it,
- Okay, - Yeah?
No, I'm not gonna let you do it,
- No,
- Come on let's go,
Okay,
- Dad's got this!
- Bailey, your dad's totally fine,
He had a little accident
but I borrowed a pair of Drew's pants,
He's asking for you right now,
Do you want me to stay and help?
- No, I got this,
Thank you so much,
- What's up!
Are we having fun?
Isn't this the best birthday
you've ever been to in your life?
Come on!
Do a little of this,
And there's a little disco, little disco,
Like Sabbalo The Buffalo, nothing,
Do the crazy dance!
See how much fun this is?
Whoa!
- I'm so embarrassed,
- Can I tell you something though?
I pee my pants every time I sneeze,
Seriously,
It's like standard practice around here,
Drew does it just for fun,
- Oh,
- I love you, Pop,
- I love you too, little fish,
- Yeah,
- Okay, cool, cool, cool,
I need you to, that's good, that's good, that's good,
Zo, I want you to bring the goo and also grab the cake,
- The creepy cake?
- No, not the creepy cake,
The perfect, perfect cake, right?
The perfectly great cake that we have, yeah, okay,
And honey I got a little surprise for you my little genius,
come on let's go,
Uh oh, uh oh, slimy hand,
- Oh boy,
- Yes and that is the comedy portion of our party,
- Thank you guys,
you've been the best audience I've ever had in my life!
- Now we're gonna get messy!
- Yeah!
- This is gooey,
You know what?
I think we should get Lance's butt in the goo!
Get his butt in the goo!
Come on, let him put his butt in the goo,
- Butt in the goo!
Butt in the goo!
Yeah!
- Alright!
Oh, the precious goo!
- Get the cake!
- Get the cake? - I'm really hungry!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Cha cha cha ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Cha cha cha ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear Scout ♪
♪ Cha cha cha ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ And many more ♪
- Daddy, it's creepy,
- It's what?
- It's creepy,
I like it,
- You do?
Want a bite?
- It's a cake fight!
- Who wants a bite?
Dig in, dig in!
Cake fight!
Hold on, save a little bit!
I wanna dedicate a piece to my wife,
- Yes, - So sweet,
- Aww,
- With your permission,
- Yeah,
- Yeah?
Yeah,
- Woo!
- Ew, you guys are the worst!
Nobody helped me!
- Hey, I love you,
Look what we did, huh?
It's okay? - You did good,
- I did good?
- You did good,
- I did good, - You did good!
It's not bad!
- Happy birthday Scoutie,
Best party ever?
♪ I feel free, free, free ♪
- Okay!
♪ I feel free, free, free ♪
♪ Sunrise to a brand new day ♪
♪ Bright eyes light up the way ♪
♪ Yeah as far as I can see ♪
♪ Yeah I'm free, free, free ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ And to love is to live ♪
♪ And this life is a gift ♪
♪ And I've got more than I could give ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ And to love is to live ♪
♪ I got more than I could ever want ♪
♪ And this is it ♪
- Guys, guys,
♪ It won't take much to make me smile ♪
♪ Simple things make this life worthwhile ♪
♪ And it ain't hard to see ♪
♪ When you're free, free ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ And to love is to live ♪
♪ And this life is a gift ♪
♪ And I got more than I could give ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ To love is to live ♪
♪ I got more than I could ever want ♪
♪ And this is it ♪ ♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ To love is to live ♪
♪ And this is it ♪ ♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And this is it ♪ ♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ To love is to live ♪
♪ And this is it ♪ ♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And this is it ♪
♪ Blue skies stretching over head ♪
♪ The sweetest song got me out of bed ♪
♪ And that sun will rise ♪
♪ Shining bright, bright, bright ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ To love is to live ♪
♪ This life is a gift ♪
♪ And I got more than I could give ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪
♪ To love is to live ♪
♪ I got more than I could ever want ♪
♪ And this is it ♪ ♪