Hey, hey, hey!
Hello there!
Hi!
Hi there, nice people,
Nice to see you all, How are you doing?
All right,
Good to be here in London, Good to be here,
I mean, I live here, but it's still good to be here,
Could have died today, Could have been eaten by a wolf,
But that didn't happen,
and I got to come here and be with you,
It's pissing out there, huh?
You know, it's funny
I knew that it would rain when I moved to London,
and rain doesn't really bother me,
I saw Mary Poppins, I know that that happens,
But what they don't tell you
is that the sun sets just after lunch for half the year,
They don't put that in the brochure,
and it's really awful,
Also, I almost fell down the flight of stairs
before I walked out here, cos they're old,
This place is beautiful, but it's old,
and the stairs are also old,
My wife and I recently watched a Channel 5 documentary
called "Dangers of the Victorian Home",
and the BBC gets all the credit for the slick documentaries,
and they are great, but Channel 5 is,,,
That's the uncut shit,
So good and so weird,
"Dangers of the Victorian Home" was mostly about one thing -
stairs,
That's how you died in Victorian times,
cos they didn't have zoning codes and stuff
so you just built whatever: "Yeah, those are stairs,"
And then you could build them out of anything
and there wasn't uniformity to them,
so people just constantly fall through them,
down them, up them, and that's how you died,
The best part of the documentary was,
they went to some fucking stair lab,
and they had a staircase built, but they can adjust it,
they can adjust like the depth and the pitch of the steps,
So they make it normal and they have a lady walk down it
and they're like, "Pretty easy, huh? What if we did this?"
And then they, like, fuck with the third step
and she walks down and she's like, "Argh!"
Falls into some cushions and she's like,
"In Victorian times, you'd have been impaled on a bunch of stuff
"and you would've died,"
And anyway,
nice to see you all, thank you,
Thank you,
I was in my backyard recently with my three kids,
and I was watering some weeds,
and I heard a crunching noise, a very loud crunching noise,
and my one-year-old had found a garden snail
and killed it and was eating it
and enjoying it,
And it made wonderful noises,
cos he was crunching through the shell
and then through just the raw, moist escargot sushi
and so it's quite a symphony of noises,
but I don't know if you're supposed to do that,
so I went to take it out of his mouth,
And at that moment my eight-year-old
punched my six-year-old in the face,
And I had a hose,
so I hosed the eight-year-old aggressively,
I blasted him against the wall and held him there for a second
and he was very upset, understandably,
I shouldn't have hosed him,
but if you punch my beautiful six-year-old in the face,
I'm gonna fucking hose you, even if you're also my son,
And so I held him against the wall for a little bit,
then I let go, took my thumb off and he slid down the wall,
And he was livid!
And he marched over to me and the baby,
and he points at the baby and looks in my eyes and goes,
"I'm gonna teach him to hate you,"
So now I have, like, a comic book nemesis,,,
living in my house with me,
I'm scared,
I didn't realise it at the time,
but I'd made a terrible error a few weeks before that,
We had gone to some cider festival in a forest,
and one of the activities that they had was,
you could give a guy £3 and then he'd give you some axes
that you could throw at a target,
And so I did it, and I threw the axes,
and I hit the target every time,
The blade never sank into the wood,
but it would hit it sideways and clang to the ground,
If I threw an axe like that at you, the way I throw them,
you wouldn't be hurt, you'd just be like, "Oi,,,!
"Hey, hey, that's a nuisance,"
And so I didn't do a good job,
But then my son, my eight-year-old was like,
"Hey, Daddy, can I do it?" And I was like,
"I can't imagine he's gonna let an eight-year-old do it,"
So I said to the guy, "He can't do it, can he?"
He's like, "If he's got £3,
"I don't give a shit who does it,"
And so I gave the guy £3, and then my son took the axe,
he's just fucking foom, foom, foom, foom,,,
and sunk them all!
And so now that we're nemeses,
I know that one day,,,
Like, when I die, you don't have to read the obituary,
it's just gonna be fucking three axes to the forehead,
one to the heart, one to each testicle,
and that's it, That's how it's gonna be,
I was walking around with all three of them a few weeks ago,
and we're walking down the sidewalk at dusk,
the most dangerous time,
and a guy approaches us,
and he's kinda shuffling along, looks like he's in trouble,
and I noticed that he's bleeding from his temple,
So, I'm a nice person,
so I said, "Sir, can we help you?"
And he goes,
"Oh, you know, if I could just get £5 on my oyster card,
"then I'm sure I could,,,"
And I'm like, "You fucking scammer!"
And so I gave him the money,
I didn't want deal with it, I had all the kids,,,
But my boys are upset,
they're like, "He's really in trouble, Daddy,"
And I’m like, "No, he's not!
"He's not gonna use that money to ride the train,
"he's not even hurt, he's gonna use the money
"to buy cocaine powder for him and his friends,
"We've been scammed, boys,"
They're like, "Huh?"
Like they're young and they're good people,
so they were like, "No, really, we have to help him harder,
"You gotta chase him down," And I’m like, "No,"
And so you can see inside,
their picture of me is just crumbling
because they think I don't wanna help the guy,
Anyway, we're all having crises,
as I'm like, "I think the guy was scamming us,
"but I'm not 100% certain,"
So I'm all fucked up, and so then,,,
we go around the corner
and a little while later I see the guy again,
So I grab the boys, and we all hide behind the bench
and I go, "You just watch, just watch him,"
And so this time, the guy's walking down the street,
and he's like, "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah,,,"
And then he identifies a mark, so he enfeebles himself
and then walks up, and he's like,,,
And I'm like, "See, what did I tell you!"
And the boys are like, "Huh,,," Now they think we're, like, MI6,
We went home and they were like, "Daddy teach us more scams,"
So I'm running a scam college out of the basement,
I went for a jog recently,
and I was running along the canal,
and I’m jogging, having a good time,
canal to my left, some bushes to my right,
and I see a guy standing in the bushes,
kind of on the edge,
and he's got his penis out,
And it's a nice penis,
It's a nice British penis,
which is to say it wasn't circumcised, you know,
and I love a good British penis,
It's like a little breadstick in a sock or something,
It's nice,
I looked at it with envy because my penis is gross,
You know, I'm circumcised, cos in the '70s in America
they just cut some of your dick off when you're born,
and so my dick is,,, it's all scar tissue,
It kind of looks like if you dropped a cheese Danish
on a barber shop floor,,,
,,,and there's, like, a toenail in it,
I mean, it's just,,,
I mean, my penis isn't totally off,
there are some cool things about my penis,
It can be like a bunch of different sizes for one,
Like, at its biggest it's nothing remarkable,
but it's recognisable as a human penis,
you don't have to take a picture of it and send it to your mom
and be like, "Any ideas?" you know,
And like, "Nah, he's doing the best he can,"
That's the biggest,
and then it can be a bunch of,,, like, 40 different sizes
down to really alarmingly small,
If it's cold out and I’m near a body of water, it's like,,,
like a little white oily almond,
It isn't actually oily, but it's just, like, shiny,
Like when you see a snake, you think, "It's gonna be slimy"
and then you touch it and you're like, "Oh, it isn't,"
But you can only rub it in one direction cos of the scales,
It's like that,
Anyway,,,
You know, it's funny, my boys aren't circumcised,
and so whenever they see my penis they're like, "Ugh!"
I mean, I don't wake them up in the middle of the night
and be like, "Look at your father's penis!"
I mean, if it, like, flops out on the couch or whatever
and they're like, "Daddy, what is wrong with your penis?"
And I'm like, "Woah, where do I begin,"
They're mad at my parents for circumcising me,
They're like, "What did they do when the doctor went to do it?"
And I was like, "I think they asked him to do it!"
When my mom visits and asks them to clean their room,
they're, like, furiously tidying,
"Look, I'm tidying, It's clean! It's clean!"
Anyway, so,,, I'm running along,
I see the penis, I enjoy it, I keep jogging,
And,,, but then I'm like, "Wait, you know what?
"I'm not the only person who uses this path,"
For me, not a big deal, just a little penis, how do you do,
but for everybody else that could really be upsetting,
You know, if it's a mom with kids and stuff,
I don't want that to happen to them,
So I'm thinking in my mind, "What do I say?
"How do I warn people about the penis?"
I don't want 'em to trip over it and fall in the river and die,
It's such a thin strip of a thing -
you either fall in the river
or you have to go in the woods and live with him, so,,,
I run along thinking, like, "OK, this guy's penis coming up,
"six o'clock, please look out," You know, and,,,
But then I'm, like, I've been running for a while,
and I’m big and sweaty,,,
If I approach you on a canal, you're already like, "Oh, no,,,"
I was like, "Er,,,"
So I just didn't say anything, I let people see the dick guy
because that's just one bad thing
that happened to them that day instead of two,
Me, you know, accosting them and penises,
My wife ran out of eyeliner recently,
so I called the police,
No, I was actually going to the mall, and so she said,
"Can you get me some eyeliner?" and I was like, "Yeah,"
And so she was like, "OK, look, this is the one I want,"
She shows me her empty eyeliner thing,
"I want this one, don't want a different one,
"If they don't have this one, don't get any at all,
"for this is the one that I require,"
And I was like, "OK,"
And so I had the boys with me,
and we go into the store,
and a guy comes up to me, he's like, "Can I help you?"
And I'm like, "I don't know," I tell him about the eyeliner,
He's like, "I think we got that,"
He takes me over to the eyeliner hutch,
and he's digging around,
He's like "Oh, you know what, I think we're out of that one,"
And I'm like, "Well, then I'll see you later,"
And he's like "No, no, no, but we have others,"
And then he summoned women who work there who had eyeliner on,
and I felt I could trust them,
And so they encircle me
and I’m getting hypnotised and confused,
And my boys are like, "Daddy, we gotta go,"
And then one women is like, "This one is very similar,
"It's just missing,,, it's got one different isotope,
"and I think that she'll love it,"
And I'm like, "OK," so I buy it,
and my kids are like, "Fucking,,,"
And I go home, and I present it to my wife,
and she sees it, and she's like,,,
And she just spit on it and stuck it up my asshole,
But that story should not reflect negatively on her, OK?
Seriously, she has a preference,
she wants this one, she doesn't want that one,
That's normal, people have preferences,
I'm not like that,
I just live in garbage, I don't care,
If I'm at a restaurant and I order a Coke
and they're like, "Oh, we don't have Coke, Is Pepsi OK?"
I'm like, "I don't give a shit if you piss in a bucket
"as long as you pour a bag of sugar in with it
"and mix it in, OK?
"I want sugar and bubbles that I can pour down my throat
"that will coat the grained meat I've eaten earlier
"and bind with it and create a compound
"that will make me forget about my life for 20 minutes,
"So, yes, Pepsi is fine,"
I wish that that there were a joke,
I wish that weren't how I live with my life,
I signed up to chaperone a field trip
for my six-year-old not too long ago,
and the day of the field trip came
and my son was sick,
Normally when my kids are sick, I just tell 'em
to go be sick at school, I don't wanna deal with it,
But he was quite sick, so we had to keep him home,
and then the school called and they were like,
"It would be great if you could still chaperone
"because a couple of chaperones dropped out,"
I was like, "Oh, Christ!"
And so I had to chaperone a field trip
that I didn't have a child of my own on,
I had no skin in the game
and I really found out just what a piece of shit I am,
I had never been checked out of a situation more in my life,
Like, we get into the museum
and the kids are walking through a turnstile
to enter the museum, right?
And so the woman at the thing pushes the button
to de-electrify the turnstile
so that it can spin and allow the children through, OK?
So they're all coming through and then the final kid in line,
he's kind of short and she didn't see him,
So she took her finger off the thing,
electricity surged through the bar
and became an impenetrable steel wall
and so then the kid's approaching,
I watched him approach it for 15 seconds minimum,
didn't say a fucking thing
and just clang, watched him get taken out,
Didn't give a shit,
I let a kid eat a cigarette,
Not mine,
I mean not my kid, it was my cigarette,
So a couple of years ago,
my wife and I went to the National Air and Space Museum
in Washington DC,
and one fun thing that they have there is,
they have the hall of weights and measures,
and they have different scales
that are calibrated to show you what you would weigh
on different planets in the solar system,
So there's, like, Jupiter,
which is huge, has a lot of gravity,
You stand on it, there's a massive number,
and you're like, "Oh, my God!
"Imagine if I weighed as much as a truck,"
And then they've got the moon,
which is a tiny little celestial body,
So you stand on that one, it's a wee little number,
and you're like, "I'm just a feather," you know?
And then they have Earth, and I,,,
I don't know why you're laughing,
So I stood on Earth,
and the number was fucking huge,
And I was like, "What?" And I summoned my wife,
"Honey, look at this," and I was like, "This is crazy,"
In the hall of weights and measures,
the Earth scale is broken,
She's like, "No, I think that might really be
"exactly what you weigh," And I was like, "Oh, we'll see,"
So we went home and I took out a scale I hadn't seen in years,
dusted it off and stood on it, Same number,
Now, what had happened is, I had become fat,
Well, I'd become medically fat,
and there had been warning signs, you know, like,
you ever take off your pants at the end of the day
and you have like a red band around your waist?
That wasn't the sign,
What would happen is, I would take off the pants,
see the red band and then go to sleep for eight hours,
wake up the next day - red band still there,
So, like, it was getting hard to do shoes and stuff,
I mean, I knew there was a problem,
Also, all my pants were so fucking tight,
They were like tight to the point of pain,
but if I bent over, they would pop off my ass
and fall down to the floor,
Sort of like restrictively, unbelievably, painted on tight,
bend over, pop,
and then just a denim bed sheet on the ground,
So I was like, "Shit, I gotta do something,"
So I started to lose weight,
and the way I did it was, I just ate less,
I wish that I could tell you I went on a retreat
or did tapes or used a lozenge,
None of that stuff is real, you just have to eat less
and I thought exercise had something to do with it,
Exercise has nothing to do with it,
Once you get to a certain age, you just exercise all the time,
I still exercised when I was fat,
Didn't fucking matter if you eat buckets of garbage each day,
So I just started eating less and it was really, really awful
and,,, particularly at night,
At night, my stomach would start to growl and I'd be like,
"I'm gonna eat something, something's going in here,"
And so what it would do is, when I was asleep,
it would start to suck dreams and memories
out of my mind and my soul
and just digest and destroy them,
So sleep time just became fucking awful,
I had horrible nightmares,
I hated going to sleep every night,
I remember one of the worst nightmares that I had was,
I was just walking down the street somewhere
and all of a sudden a guy pulled up in a van
and he jumped out and took out a gun
and held it up to my head and said,
"If you can't make 15 people in this neighbourhood
"let you be their dentist,
"I'm gonna blow your fucking brains out,"
And I was like, "Oh, my God!"
And it was, like, so realistic, So I'm like, "Oh, my God!"
So I'm running up to people being like,
"Let me be your dentist,"
And I'm not doing any soft sell stuff,
like you're supposed to do to like get new business,
Normally you'd be like, "Hey, nice choppers you got there,
"Yeah, well, I'm new in town,
"and it turns out I dent, and I was wondering if maybe,,,"
None of that shit, just, "Let me be your dentist!"
So people are like, "God, no!"
And then I was like, "You know what?
"I think what it is is, I'm too big and scary,
"I need to pretend to be a little girl,"
So I don't even,,, in my dream, I have no magic powers,
so I just get on my knees and start to speak in a high voice
and be like, "Let me be your dentist,"
And then people are like, "Definitely not now!
"I'd rather have the big,,, what the fuck, you know,"
So then the guy's coming for me, he's got the gun,
he's pointing at his watch and I’m fucking shitting,
So I go up to people's windows who haven't seen me yet,
and I’m going like, "Let me be your dentist,"
And so he's coming and he's, like, cocking the gun,
and so in the climax of the dream,
in the cutest little voice I can possibly do, I scream,
"Let me be your dentist,"
But I also do it in real life,
in my bed with my human wife on earth
and so she's like, "What's the matter?"
And I was like, "I'm fucking hungry!"
So awful,
Ahh,,,
Um, there's a weird thing that they do in America,
one weird thing,,, that they do
and it's every year,
the President of the United States has a physical
and then they release the data, for some reason,
So every year on one day
they just tell you the height and weight of the President,
Don't know why they do it,
When they did it with Obama, I was like, "Don't care,"
now they do it with Trump, I'm like, "Double don't care,"
And I remember about a year ago, they released the data
and he said that he was 6'3'' and weighed 237 pounds, OK?
Now when people heard that, they were like, "Excuse me?"
Like, people were like, "That's impossible,
"It's impossible that he only weighs 237 pounds,
"if you look at his dimensions and stuff,"
But people all think pieces and stuff, people were like,
"I don't know, maybe if you strain so hard
"to not say the N word all day every day,
"your body fills with like a racist gas
"that lifts you up and makes you lighter,"
Maybe that's what happened,
However,,,
On that day, however, in my weight loss journey
I was 6'3'' and it so happened I weighed exactly 237 pounds,
so I knew he was lying, So I was livid,
I was like naked standing in the mirror screaming,
being like, "The President's a liar,"
Whenever Trump comes on television,
I just turn it off, cos I love myself,
I don't wanna hear that shit,
But I was thinking it'd be kinda funny
if I was somewhere where I couldn't turn the TV off,
like if I'm at a laundromat or an airport,
What if we were all somewhere where we couldn't turn it off
and we had to see what he had to say?
So he comes on, and we're like, "All right,"
And then he starts to blather and you're like, "Huh,"
But then something happens behind his eyes,
so we all kinda lean in,
and then suddenly he's like, "Beugh,,,"
And then you're like, "Oh, my God,
"is he having a fatal cerebral aneurysm?"
And I was thinking, "How lovely would that be for us
"to just all together watch him die
"to death and be dead? How great would that be?"
Then Eric and Don Junior run out
and they're trying to do CPR, but they've never studied it,
they don't give a shit about anyone
so they don't know how to do it, but any excuse to touch him
because he hasn't hugged them in 30 years,
So they're just like, "Argh,,,"
But it doesn't work,
his skin is getting greyer, and his eyes are getting cloudier
cos he's fucking dead,
I love that premise, I do,
I want that,
So we've lived in the UK now for a little over five years,
and I’m pretty crazy about it,
I love the monarchy
because fuck them, they should not exist,
But,,,
What's good about the monarchy is,
they let you know from birth
that the deck is fucking stacked,
Born in the ditch, die in the ditch, right?
If there's anything in your wallet,
the Queen's face is on it, I love that,
In America, people are like,
"If you can dream it, you can do it,"
Where the fuck did they get that idea?
Also, I think it's good
that Nazi bombs fell on your grandparents
and I’ll tell you why,
Because in America, like, the day before 9/11,
the governor of Florida was like, "Fuck that Gomorrah,"
but then as soon as 9/11 happened, he was like,
"Oh, we can have a war? Oh, New York,"
And so, here,,,
if terrorists blow up the bus in front of your bus,
you're like, "Hmm,,,
"It would appear I will still make it to work,"
I mean that's cool, you're stalwarts,
Also you guys have the NHS, which is just fucking amazing,
Cos,,,
Cos in America, if you get a sick,
even if you have good private,,, "good" private insurance,
you still have to take your credit cards
and your mom's credit cards and your neighbours' credit cards
and melt them down and fashion them into a kayak
that you paddle into the hospital
and beg them to help you,
Maybe they don't, maybe they do,
but if they do, you still leave with so much medical debt
that you have no choice but to kill yourself,
Whereas with the NHS, if you're sick, you go into the hospital,
and you're like, "Yeah, something's wrong,"
And they're like, "Well, no promises,
"but we'll take a look,"
We'll take a look!
Ah! You'll take a look, thank you,
Because seriously, in America,
like, if something goes wrong with your eye or your knee,
all right that's step one,
Step two is, you immediately become filled
with molten hot diarrhoea that blasts out of your asshole
cos you're so terrified
of what's gonna happen to you financially,
You have to put on 15 diapers and waddle into the hospital,
be like, "Ah,,," and they're like, "Oh, God,"
And you're like, "No, it's my knee,"
Fucking nightmare!
If the NHS had a dick, I would suck that dick,
I would,
I would take it in my mouth soft
and start to hum a little Sade,
Suck it, I'd suck it down my gullet,
I would suck it down, I would suck it so hard
it would poke out my belly button and wink at you,
It would,
If the NHS had a pussy,,,
Fucking,,,
Scuba dive in that thing,
I don't know, look, why am I gendering the NHS?
Obviously it's greater than male or female,
Maybe the NHS has a cloaca, you know?
Where my farmers at?
Well if you don't know what a cloaca is,
it's the hole in a bird that everything comes out of, right?
Pretty cool!
Well, if you've ever been shit on by a bird
and been like, "Hey, good luck!" Not really!
Because you were not just shit on,
Yes, you were shit on, but you were also pissed on,
the bird also jerked off on you,
it also made an omelette and threw that at you,
So if you've been so thoroughly degraded and owned by that bird
that you should just chase it down the street
and beg it to merely shit on you,
I'm trying to dress nicer on stage when I perform
cos a guy came up to me after a show not too long ago,
and he goes, "Hey, great show, but wanted to let you know
"there's a hole in the armpit of your shirt,"
And I was like, "Oh, really?"
And I looked to see which one it was, It was both,
I had holes in both armpits of my shirt
cos I just wear clothes until they fall apart,
Like, I'm clean, I observe hygiene,
but clothes with holes, who cares?
Particularly boxers, I will wear a pair of boxers
until they're just a rubber band around my waist
and just hanging bolts of fabric,
So that I can stand over the toilet
and just sigh my contents out of my cloaca,
Anyway, I'm trying not to do that anymore, though,
cos a few months ago, I was lying in bed reading
and my wife came into the bedroom and she goes, "Ugh,,,
"You're bleeding from your vagina,"
And I wanted to see what she saw,
I don't have a vagina, so I was curious,
It was pretty awful what she saw,
Basically, I was wearing a pair of boxers
that I got in maybe 1991,
And when I got them, they were bright red,
fire engine red, they were the talk of the town,
just a beautiful garment,
And then in the decades that passed,
they started to fade and become like a nice salmon colour
and then like a light pink,
And then about a year ago, they tore up the middle -
not a problem,
And then after that,
the original bright red fabric thread tendrils
began to peak out the sides,
So what my wife saw was pink, pink
and then a gaping red wound
and then just a bunch of fur and meat and garbage,
So I threw them away,
not cos she's my wife, but, you know, she's a person,
and you wouldn't do that to a roommate,
Another thing I like about the UK
is that you can order your groceries online here,
I think you can now do it in America,
but when I moved here five years ago, you couldn't,
And the reason that it started here is population density,
We're all this close to each other right now in this theatre,
but when we leave here tonight,
we'll still all be exactly this close to each other,
And it took them a while to figure it out in America though
because in America it's, like, person,,,
three farms,,, another person,
Plus if you ring a doorbell in America,
you just get shot twice in the face
and then they try to figure out,
"Hey, I wonder why he rang my doorbell?" So,,,
Anyway, I love ordering my groceries online,
It's pretty great, It's not perfect,
Like, not too long ago, I was doing the weekly shop,
and I got to mint tea,
And I typically spend a while on the mint tea page -
I drink a lot of mint tea, you can probably tell,
And something was wrong, though,
It was super expensive this week and I couldn't figure out why,
But then I was like, "Are they gonna deliver it to this couch,
"then I don't care if it's £300, order,"
And the next day I found out why it was so expensive,
when they had delivered to me a pallet of mint tea,
OK?
I now own all the mint tea in Greater Metropolitan London,
If you want mint tea now, you gotta come to me,
And so, I'm drinking it like crazy, I'm just going bananas,
I'm not making it the treat that it should be,
I'm bathing in it, I'm just going insane,
And a while back my wife and I were gonna watch some TV,
and so I made the tea and she made popcorn,
and I finished first,
And so I'm walking back into the living room
to sit down and watch TV,
I’m just kinda waltzing along
not being careful with my mint tea
on account of I've got so darn much of it,
And I plop down on the couch and I immediately spill
the whole cup of boiling water right here,
None got on my thighs or stomach just 100% on the C and B,
and fortunately there was a glass of water
on the table next to me,
so I just tore my trousers off
and stuck my dick and balls into the glass of water,
I was like, "Oh,,,"
like the way that you would think you would fuck a woman
when you first hear about sex when you're like six years old,
I'm like, "OK,"
so I put my soft penis and testicles inside her
and then I scream into her mouth, OK,
And then, at that moment, my wife came in with the popcorn
and she goes, "What happened?"
And this is what I said, I go,
"I think it's pretty fucking obvious!"
And she just pirouetted with the popcorn
and walked back into the kitchen,
And then I kinda calmed down
and realised there might not be any permanent damage
and then I realised, "You know what?
"It might not be perfectly obvious what has happened,
"It might not be perfectly obvious,"
Meanwhile, she's come face to face
with a fucking aquarium of nightmares, So,,,
I had to do something I don't like to do,
which is apologise,
I don't like to do it, but I do it,
I,,, honestly, "I'm sorry," what is that?
Like, vapour and sound waves, right?
You'd think it probably weighs nothing, right?
If you added up all the I'm sorrys I've said to my wife,
I promise it would weigh 700 metric tons, OK?
Whereas she's never said it once,
I've literally never heard her say it,
Honestly, I swear to God, when she dies in a fire in February,
I think that the coroner is gonna be like,
"Mr Delaney, come here,"
And I'll be like, "Yeah? and he'll be like,
"If you notice, if you look in the oral cavity
"where the soft and hard palates meet,
"from the structure
"she actually couldn't produce the words 'I'm sorry',
"she couldn't make the noise 'I'm sorry',
"that's why you never heard it, you stupid asshole,"
All right,
Good, so you're drinking some wine,
I don't drink anymore, I quit drinking 17 years ago,
after I drove a car
into the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power,
a building I'd always hated,
And,,,
No one else was involved in the accident, thank goodness,
but I was pretty badly hurt,
I broke both my arms, and my legs were not broken,
but they were ripped open to the bone,
So in the emergency room, they had to sew 'em up
and then they put me in these leg stabiliser tubes,
so I couldn't bend my knees,
and then they put me in a wheelchair and sent me to jail,
And in jail, the law of gravity still applies,
and so sometimes I would start to slide out of the wheelchair,
and I couldn't bend my knees to stop the slide,
nor could I use my arms to do anything,
So I'd be sliding out
and then my bloody hospital gown would come up
and expose my penis and testicles
and even my cute little butthole to everybody in jail,
And I don't know if you guys have read any books about jail
or seen any movies about it,
You're actually supposed to keep that stuff to yourself,
So what would happen is, some big thugs would pick me up
and put me back in the wheelchair,
They wouldn't try to fuck me or anything
cos even in jail they still like the thrill of seduction,
You don't wanna be shooting fish in a barrel,
So they'd pick me up and put me back in the wheelchair,
and then they'd be like, "When you get better,,,"
And then I'd be like, "You guys are nuts,
"and thank you,"
And then I had a court date,
and the judge was like, "So how's jail?"
And I was like, "I'm gonna be honest with you,
"I don't care for it,"
and he was like, "You know what, why don't we put you
"in the chemical dependency unit of a psychiatric hospital?"
And I was like, "That sounds more my speed,"
And so they put me there, and it was great, I loved it,
I fucking loved living in the hospital,
Honestly, I can't wait to live in a hospital again
and move into a nursing home,
I'm seriously gonna move in when I'm 49,
My mom's like, "If they ever try to put me in a nursing home,
"just shoot me in the head," And I'm like, "All right,"
But I honestly,,, I really can't wait to go,
I mean, cos they got salad bars and stuff,
At the salad bar at this hospital,
they had cottage cheese available for every meal,
and I've never bought cottage cheese on my own in my life,
but if it's on offer at every meal,
I'm fucking eating it at every meal,
So I'm shovelling cottage cheese into my mouth
at eight o'clock in the morning, making new crazy friends,
it was the best,
Oh, another reason I wanna live in a nursing home is
cos in nursing homes you can fuck,
I don't know if you knew this, but they're riddled with STDs,
Like seriously, everybody,,,
They fuck and a lot of them have replacement hips and stuff,
so you really gotta hit it,
They won't even know that you're there, so,,,
And then if you get into trouble and they're like, "Mr Delaney!",
you can be like, "Oh, did I now? I don't remember,"
And then just scoot off into the sunset,
But anyway, the hospital was great,
But I had two broken arms and I was in casts
from my knuckles up to my shoulders on both arms,
and so people would ask me,
the most popular questions that I got asked were,
"How do you wipe your ass?" and "How do you jerk off?"
The way that I wiped my ass was not really all that well
and it hurt a lot to even attempt,
so I'd have to get in the shower,
So every shit took 90 minutes, and,,,
as opposed to the normal 70 that they take now,
And then they would ask, "How do you jerk off?"
That's actually more interesting,
I'm 42 now, right? I don't have to jerk off as much,
Thank Christ my libido has gradually begun to die,
but at the time I'm 25,
and when you're 25 you have to jerk off all the time, right?
If you don't, there could be an event,
like, you must jerk off,
And so I would wait, It was really hard,
So I would wait,,, I'd wait, like, ten days,
None of you did that,
You probably didn't even know it was possible, and so,,,
I mean, literally I would wait until I burped
and then tasted semen in the back of my throat,
I'd be like, "I gotta jerk off, I gotta jerk off,"
And so I would go into the bathroom at rehab,
and I would sit down on the floor,
with my back towards the door,
cos there's no locks on the door in rehab,
So if somebody opened the door, it would hit me,
and I could say, "Just jerking off, not shooting up,"
And they'd be like, "Carry on, my man,"
And then, using my teeth and my fingertips,
I would take off the brace
of whatever arm had least recently been operated on
and then using my fingertips so delicately
so that I didn't hurt my arm with my penis, I would jerk off,
just ever so gently, ever so gently,
Like the way that you would jerk off a baby if you had to,
Hey,,,
Hey, don't jerk off a baby, OK? Don't even think about it,
Yeah, don't jerk off at all, actually,
Honestly, I can't wait for my libido to die,
I know I said that thing about fucking people in nursing homes,
but that's something I wanna do now, When I'm actually that age!
I get angry when I see commercials for Viagra,
and it's, like, a couple in their eighties out on a canoe
and then the guy crushes up the blue pill
and then snorts it off his girlfriend's tits
and then they paddle into shore to go fuck, Ugh!
If I could figure out where my libido is in my head,
I'd stick a fucking pool cue in my eye and just route it out
so that I could get some fucking work done,
So sex dolls, sex robots, sex robot dolls,
they're getting good, OK?
And whenever they show on the news,
at the end of the hard news when they show a human interest story
and they go to visit some guy
on the 37th floor of a skyscraper in Tokyo,
and he's like "Yeah, I haven't left my apartment in 3 years,
"I've just been fucking my robot Betsy, having a good time,"
I always judge that guy, I'm like, "I don't fuck a robot,
"I fuck a human woman,
"semi-annually,"
But here's the thing,
whenever new technology comes out,
I always hate it,
just reflexively, I don't know why,
Like when the iPad came out, I was like, "Gimme a break,"
It was like halfway between a desktop and a phone,
both of which I already own and can do all the same shit,
It's like the Goldilocks one in the middle,
so I don't sprain my fingers
if I try to go too fast from a desktop to a phone,
it's ridiculous,
Anyway, flash forward a few years,
I now own three iPads, OK?
And what that means is,
I'm definitely gonna fuck a sex robot, OK?
In the not distant future, I'm fucking a sex robot,
and so are you, OK?
And so are some of your moms, All right?
Not all of your moms,
but the ones who can do, like, emojis now,
they're fucking robots,
You're gonna be,,,
You're gonna be over at their house for a roast on Sunday,
and she's gonna be like, "Sweetheart, can you help me
"download the George Clooney tongue swirling plug-in?"
And then you do
and then you have to help lower her down onto it
cos she has a bad ankle, and then she's like, "Whoa,,,
"Close the door, sweetheart,
"Check on the potatoes, check on the potatoes,"
Isn't that nice? I honestly,,,
If you'd asked me in the past, you would have been like,
"What sex robot are you gonna get?"
I'd be like, "Well, the Serena Williams one,"
But now that I think about the Clooney
with that stubble all up in your mom's ass, I want that,
So I think what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna put a George Clooney head
on a Serena Williams body,
and I am gonna fuck that thing
until I have a heart attack at 51 and die,
My son finally comes in with the hatchet to do the job
and he finds my corpse, he's like, "Oh, look at that!"
He just throws one in for good measure,
He's a good boy,
So,,,
Another thing I love about the UK is, you guys have trains,
In America there's, like, one train from like Boston to,,,
Trains are communist,
You can ride a train, you can make a friend -
next week, revolution,
So no trains in America,
there's just people in solo cars with AR15s, that's it,
But here you got trains and I didn't know how to use them,
I remember the first time
we were gonna go on a school vacation
after we'd lived here not that long,
We were gonna go to Cornwall,
You go to Cornwall? Huh? Yeah, fucking toilet, right?
No it's the nicest place I've ever been, Anyway,,,
We wanted to go to Cornwall,
so I'm in charge of arranging travel,
So, basically, I didn't know how to get,,,
I go on the website and I see a picture of a train
and I’m like, "Train! OK, let's go,"
Then we get to the station at, like, 4pm on a Friday
before a big school vacation,
and it's just fucking packed with people,
and my wife's like, "OK, you got us specific seats, right?"
I'm like, "Huh, I didn't know you could,"
She's like, "Fuck you!"
And so,,,
the doors to the train open and steam comes out,
there's already so many people in it,
it's like a meat puzzle,
we're stuffing our children in and people are looking at me,
I'm like, "I'm sorry,"
And then the train took off to Cornwall,
travelling for a little while, not that long, though,
and then the train just stopped in Slough,
which isn't in Cornwall,
In fact, it didn't even stop at the Slough station,
it stopped in a fucking field in the middle of nowhere,
and we're like, "What is going on?"
And after a little while, the conductor got in
and he goes, "Very sorry to say,
"but we have struck a person who wandered onto the tracks
"and there's been a fatality,"
And so everybody's, like, super upset,
I mean, we're in a thing that killed a person,
So it's like a giant bummer,
but then 90 seconds passed, and my kids went feral,
One of them ripped a wig off an old lady,
So I start to hate the dead guy,
I'm like, "I hope the train fucking ran you over
"and then backed up and ran you over again,
"you fucking asshole,
"I live in Slough now with my shitty family
"because you were sad
"and had to jump in front of a train, you fucking loser,"
Look, hey, mental health is a very serious thing,
and that isn't funny, OK?
But what is funny is, I'm kidding, he was pushed,
it was a murder, so it's OK to laugh,
It's OK,
It was just two friends goofing around, whatever,
So we got to Cornwall, all right,
it was wonderful, we were having a great time staying on a farm,
and one night we wanted to go on a date, my wife and I,
So we took the kids and we stuffed them in a pig kennel,
and we called up, we called a taxi,
and the taxi's taking us out to dinner somewhere,
and we're talking to the driver and he goes,
"Hey, where do you guys live?" And we were like, "Oh, London,"
And he goes "Ah, London, yeah, not really England, but hmm,,,"
And I was like, "What does that mean?"
And he goes, "Oh, I'm a bigot,"
I'm paraphrasing,
but he basically did, like, a full minstrel show
with fucking props,
he did every level of melanin, it was fucking disgusting,
And so I'm like, "Ugh!" I hated him,
I hate bigots, I really fucking do,
I gotta say, it's easy enough for me to point at you, sir,
and be like, "Bigot!" Look at you,
But for me to stand up here
and admit that I have prejudice in my heart is kind of heroic,
Look, let me tell you, I'm not,,,
Look, at I don't want to have prejudice, but I do,
I'm a person and I wanna get rid,,,
let me tell you a story about a prejudice that I have
that is absolutely fucking wrong
and that I deeply feel in my bones,
I was walking in my neighbourhood not too long ago,
and I saw a guy washing his car, OK?
He's, it's a teal Volkswagen Beetle
and he's washing the car
and he's got short denim shorts on,
it is not hot out, He does not have a shirt on,
and he's got really nice abdominal muscles,
and he's washing the car and kinda dancing,
He's got Madonna on the car stereo,
Not like a big hit, not like "Like a Prayer",
but, like, deep disco Madonna,
So he's dancing, singing, washing his car, looking great,
So I see this guy and I think to myself,
"I've got you figured out, sir,"
But then a woman came out of the house he was in front of
and said, "Hey sweetheart," and kissed him
in the French manner, tongues akimbo,
and I was like, "Whoa, that does not fit
"with the story I was telling myself about you!"
And it made me realise,
I would fight in a war for the right of gay guys
to fuck each other in front of my family,
but then I would redeploy to another front
to fight against straight guys' rights to fucking prance around
listening to that shit dressed that way,
What the fuck is that?
But I'm wrong! What the fuck do I,,,
Just cos I dress like a gas station attendant,
why can't he have a little flair and be happy?
Why the fuck do I care? But I do,
I feel, like, when a straight guy turns 30,
he should be issued a beige jumpsuit from the government
so he doesn't try to infect me with his intensive style,
I don't wanna see that shit,
But I do, I have to jettison that belief,
I do, because I don't want my grandkids to be like,
"Well, you know, we don't really talk about grandpa Rob
"because he was an ardent campaigner
"against straight fashion and music appreciation rights,"
I mean, look,
I know there are some prejudices that make sense,
like if you know really wealthy Russian people in London,
that's cos they killed people in Russia
and took their money and came here,
But that's just,,,
It's funny, when you tell that joke outside of London,
people are like, "I can't believe he's saying that!
"It's terrible, How dare he?"
And then in London, people are like,,,
And then rich Russian people in London are like,
"Oh, you got me!"
It was nice of you to get upset on their behalf,
but it's OK, they have it covered,
So our one-year-old was born in our house,
one year ago,
And we did it at home and,,,
We're not hippies,
but on your fourth kid you're a hippy about birth anyway,
plus my wife was like, "I don't wanna go to the hospital again,
"I can just do it right here, it won't be a problem,"
And so we were doing a home water birth,
and so, you know, you send away for a birthing pool
that they mail to you
and it's been used before, which is cool,
They wash it, I think,
but it's got stamps on it that say who's been born it,
You have to do a test inflate a couple of weeks before D-day
so that you don't fuck it up when it comes,
So I inflated the thing, got it ready,
and my dad happened to be visiting at the time,
and I actually made him stand in the far end of the kitchen,
and I got down into the tub and I took my clothes off
and I made him film me going like,,,
I showed it to my wife,
and she was like, "Delete that right now,
"and then go to your friends' houses who you've sent it to
"and delete it from their phones as well," And,,,
So our older boys knew that we wanted to do the home birth,
and so they actually asked
if they could be present for the birth, which I thought was cool,
And I said to them, "Yeah, well,
"why don't I show you some videos of home births,
"and then you can decide if you're into that
"and if you wanna see it really with your own two eyes,"
And they're like, "Great!"
And so I fired up the old YouTube,
and here's the thing,
lots of people have babies, billions in fact,
there's a big group of people who have babies, OK?
Smaller than that group of people
is the ones who do it at home, that's a smaller group,
Smaller than that is the people who film it,
Smaller than that are the people who then edit the video,
score it to Enya or Kate Bush
and then put it online for you to watch,
That's a pretty tiny group of people, OK?
Then even without that group, the women are all amazing,
There's no right or wrong way to have a baby,
they're all fucking brilliant,
I couldn't do it, so nothing wrong with them,
But some of the men in these videos fucking suck,
I remember we were watching one of the videos,
and it opens the video with some nice bells and whistles
and fucking panflutes and stuff,
And then, the first thing you see is a man
and he's a white guy with dreadlocks,
and he's got sunglasses in them, It's not,,, he's not outdoors,
And he's in a robe,
not like a dressing gown or a bathrobe,
just a ceremonial robe,
and so already my kids are like, "Daddy, what's the deal?"
I'm like, "I don't know,"
And then it pans out,
and you see there happens to be a woman there,
And so he walks over to the tub,
and then he steps up and he gets in the tub,
and my boys are already up,
they're like, "Daddy, make him get out,
"It's not for him, That isn't,,, Why, Daddy?"
I'm like, "I don't know,"
And then the guy kneels down opposite his partner,
and he puts his forehead against hers,
and he goes,,, are you ready? "We can do this,"
And my youngest one goes, "Who the fuck is 'we'?
"He's not doing anything, Daddy,"
They hated the guy so much
that by the time the baby was, like, bleugh,
they were like, "That's cool, but fuck that guy!"
So they totally were there when my wife had the baby,
and they were amazing,
Our eight-year-old actually cut the cord,
Pretty cool, huh? Yeah,
Had I not cut the first three, I wouldn't have let him cut it,
but, I mean, I've cut a lot of cords in my day,
Yeah, I cut a cord on the way here in fact,
I'll cut your cord after the show
if you don't fucking sort yourself out,
So that baby just turned one,
My wife stopped breastfeeding him a little while ago,
and breastfeeding, my God, it's amazing,
But it's difficult, It is, It's very challenging,,,
to be around a woman who's breastfeeding
cos their hormonal, I'm not interested in that,
And so I was thinking, I have an idea for an invention,
which,,, don't try to steal it,
cos I've already begun the patent process,
But basically what it is,
is, it is a strip that you would put on a breastfeeding woman,
or really any woman's forehead,
and it would have several tasteful light bulbs in it, OK?
And depending on how many are lit up,
it lets you know how nice you have to be to that woman, OK?
So like if just one is lit up,
you can be like, "Yeah, here you go, bro,"
And that's no big deal, but if all five are lit up,
then you know you have to crawl in on your fingers and toes
and prostrate yourself with a variety of snacks
and fucking say incantations and stuff,
So anyway, it was a good idea, right?
I told a friend of mine about it, and he was like,
"What if you were just nice to her all the time?"
I was like, "Yeah, I think
"that's the crazier than the light strips, my man,"
All the time?
What a silly guy,
So listen, I hope you can't tell by looking at me,
but I own a bearded dragon, OK?
I didn't want one,
I feel like that's one of those pets like a fucking cockatiel
that you use to like express your wacky personality,
I feel like a bearded dragon should belong to, like,
a Swiss electronic music DJ
who's like, "After I drop all my beats,
"I go home and play with my bearded dragon," Yuck,
Anyway, I didn't want one,
and so my kids found out that those existed,
and they said, "Daddy, can we get a bearded dragon?"
And I was like, "No, under no circumstances,"
Then, I don't know, I was out for the weekend gambling,
and I came home and my wife had bought them a bearded dragon,
And I was like, "Why did you do that?"
And she's like, "Let me tell you about
"what buying the bearded dragon was like,"
And she's like, "OK,,,"
The guy, was like, "All right,
"you gotta keep it hot all the time, OK?
"Cos they're coldblooded, If it gets cold, it'll die, OK?
"So you need three different types of heat lamp,
"you need a heat pad that goes under its wood chips,
"You keep it hot or it dies,"
OK, do you guys happen to know,,,
Does anybody know what bearded dragons eat?
Locusts from the bible, OK?
I thought that we had eradicated those,
And by the way, you know, locusts,
they're not even the first plague from the bible,
The first one's, like, "Stubbed my toe,"
But then they're the fucking ninth plague,
the one right before the angel of death kills your first born,
So literally God was like,
"What's almost as bad as having the devil kill your baby?
"Oh, a locust," And so,,,
So anyway, you gotta feed it locusts all the time, OK?
If you're not feeding it a locust, ask yourself,
"Why am I not feeding it a locust?" OK?
You should be using one locust
to push another locust into its maw,
Like, you need to be covered in sheets of sweat
as you stick locusts into every hole, or it will die,
So I'm like, "Jesus Christ!"
So I tell the kids, "Are you up for this?"
And they're like, "Yeah, Daddy, we can do it,"
And they did, they, honestly,
they were great for about 23 hours,
and then they forgot that they had a bearded dragon
and it fell to me to take care of her,
And I’m not ashamed to admit that I fell in love with her
very thoroughly and very quickly,
And her name is Jackie,
And,,, I mean, we had,,,
God, did we have a good thing and,,,
Seriously, I mean it's,,, Jackie, Anyway,,,
We'd had her for a while,
and then one day the boys left the door to her vivarium open,
and they also left the back door to the house open,
And so we all came home one day,
and Jackie was nowhere to be found,
And we're all very upset,
And so we're tearing the house apart,
I'm like cutting into fucking cushions
like I'm looking for cocaine,
We were turning the house upside down to find her,
but we cannot find her,
And so I'm very, very upset,
spending like a lot of time in the foetal position,
And after a few days, the boys came to me
and they were like, "Daddy, do you think she's OK?"
And I said, "No,
"No, I think what happened is,
"when she first saw that the door was open,
"she probably got excited,
"She probably leapt out in your room and played with some Lego
"and your little football cards and stuff, It's nice,
"And then maybe she heard, like, a 'cuckoo'
"and was like, 'Oh, what's that? Is that a bird?'
"and then went and looked -
"'Oh, my God, the door to the world's open,'
"And then went out there, you know?
"That's probably when things started to go south,
"I'm gonna guess at that point, you know,
"she's getting colder quickly,
"so confusion begins to set in, OK?
"Not long after that,
"ice crystals begin to form in her blood,
"cutting her apart from the inside,
"and then soon after that,
"I'm gonna guess that she probably died
"in great deal of pain and went to hell
"because of a series of choices that you made,"
And they were like, "OK, cool," and they went to play football,
I mean, I was losing it,
I was inconsolable, I didn't know what to do,
It was terrible,
And then the hands on the clock spun round and round,
and the pages on the calendar and all this,
and so time passes, and then a fucking month passes,
and so I'm starting to be able to participate in life again,
I'm experimenting with trusting people again,
and stuff like that,
And then my doorbell rings,
and it's my neighbour who I fucking hate,
and I hate him cos he's been doing construction for 4 years,
And it's not like if you have a big construction place
near where you work and it's just a wash of noise,
you kind of get used to it,
This guy's been doing fucking staccato atonal John Cage,
like it's,,, you can't figure it out,
So it'll be, like, brrr,,,
Bang! And you're like, "Jesus!"
My nerves are destroyed from this and I can't stand it,
Anyway, rings the doorbell, I open, and he's like, "Hello,"
And I’m like, "Yeah?" And he goes,
"You didn't by any chance have a package for me?"
Cos in this fucking Godforsaken country,
if you get a package and you're not home,
they give it to your neighbour, and they give you a little note,
saying, "Guess what, you get to make a new friend,"
And so you get to know this person
that you've been avoiding studiously for years,
And so, anyway,,,
So, I was like, "Yeah, here's your package,"
And he goes, "Oh, and by the way,
"you're not missing a lizard by any chance, are you?"
And I was like,,,
"Oh, do you have her little body?"
And he's like, "No, she's fine, she's in my back garden,"
And so I pushed him to the wall and ran out
and then ran through his house and into the back garden,
and Jackie was like, "What's up, motherfucker?"
And it's freezing out, there's no locusts anywhere,
and she's like, "Ooh, sorry,"
And I was like, "Oh, I can't stay mad at you,"
And I unbuttoned my shirt and pressed her against my breast
to feel my paternal heartbeat,
and I’m crying and it's washing the dust off of her,
I go into the house,
and I get some blueberries out of the fridge
and I just chew them up, and then I,,,
cunnaling them into her cute little mouth,
Mm, my sweet Jackie girl, I love you,
I do, I love her,
Honestly, I'm having a great time with you guys tonight,
but I seriously can't wait to go home
and just put her on my heaving chest
and sing her to sleep, I love her,
Jackie,
So my big boys recently found out about homosexuality,
and they're very excited,
They came up to me a while ago, and they go, "Daddy,,,"
I'm sorry they go, "Daddy" cos they have English accents,
which makes me love them so much more,
In fact, their accents are kinda weird
cos they started them in America and now they're here,
plus their nursery school teachers had cockney accents,
so some of the words they say are bonkers,
particularly the word "water",
Like I say "water", whatever that is,
You guys say "water",
and then, you know, cockneys, like, "water",
And so, the three of them together,
the way they say "water",
I can't even do it, it's like a whale being stabbed,
it's insane, And so,,,
I FaceTimed my mom
and I was like, "Mom, you've gotta hear this,"
And so I said to the younger one,
"Tell Grammy what liquid comes out of the tap,"
And he looked at her and he goes, "Blood,"
Anyway, so they corner me, and they're like, "Daddy?"
And I’m like, "Yeah?" And they go,,,
"Is it true that we don't have to marry women?"
And I was like, "Yeah,"
And they were like, "Cool,"
And then went away and had a little conference,
and they came back, and they go, "Daddy,,,
"Could we marry men?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, if you want,"
And they were like, "Ooh,,,"
And they went away, and they came back,
and they were like,,, They go, "Daddy,,,"
OK, we have these neighbours that they love to play with,
these twin boys who are named Charlie and Ethan,
and they go, "Daddy could we marry Charlie and Ethan?"
And I was like, "OK, now that's more complicated,
"I mean, OK,,, if all four of your hearts
"wandered down life's winding road
"and then, like, a couple decades from now
"you still wanted to get married,
"and by the way is,,,
"one of you marrying the other one, and is it two marriage,,,
"or is it like a quad lambo, like what it,,,
"Anyway, the answer is yes, Yeah, you could,"
And they were like, "Ah!"
They were so happy, like, they started to glow,
And then they go off for a final conference,
and they come back, and they go, "Daddy,
"could the four of us wrestle before bed every night?"
I was like, "That's kind of the main draw,"
They just exploded into a beautiful rainbow mist,
How great is that wedding gonna be, I can't wait,
So, are there any Bill Cosby fans in the house?
Who likes the Cos, huh?
If you're not familiar with Bill Cosby,
he's a prolific American rapist,
When I was kid, we knew him as a comedian,
We didn't know yet that he was a renaissance man
with the whole bag of skills,
And,,, so I was crazy about him, he was my hero when I was,,,
He was, like, everybody in America's hero,
and,,, so, I'd never seen him live, though,
So about ten years ago, he was coming to LA,
and again, this is before we knew about his other projects,
and I’m excited, I wanted to go see him,
So I get tickets to go see him,
And at this time, I'm doing comedy myself,
nobody cares, no one attends, but I'm doing it,
and so I called my agent at the time,
and I was like, "I'm going to see Bill Cosby,"
and he was like, "Oh, yeah, cool, let me call you back,"
And he called me back a little while later and he goes,
"So you know we represent Bill Cosby as well,
"and so I told his agent that you're coming,
"and he'd like to meet you,"
And I was like, "Bill Cosby wants to meet me?"
And he was like, "No, he doesn't wanna fucking meet you,
"He doesn't know who you are,
"But he likes to blather at young up-and-coming comedians
"and just hear himself talk about comedy,
"Are you willing to do that?" And I was like, "Yes, I am,"
And so my wife and I were gonna go see Bill Cosby,
And this is right after the birth of our first child,
So we're so excited, I mean, we'd be excited normally,
but it's also our first date after we've become parents,
and so we're very excited,
And so we're all dressed up, and we go,
and we're ushered backstage,
and his tour manager brings us in, and Bill sees us,
and as soon as he sees my wife,
he just pushes me aside, zeros in on her,
and he goes, "Are you breastfeeding?"
And she goes, "Yeah,"
And he goes, "I could smell it,"
And he goes, "It gets into the clothes,
"Mm, I love it,"
And we're like, "Oh, God," you know,
I mean, fucking sickened,
And afterwards, my wife and I were talking,
and we literally were like, "Oh, my God, did we just see
"Bill Cosby do the first creepy thing that he ever did?"
Like, we thought we won some horrible lottery, you know?
And so it's very strange,
And then after about 10 minutes, his manager was like,
"Bill, you've gotta do your show now," and he was like, "OK,"
And so finally he acknowledges me for the first time,
and he points at my wife's tits and he goes,
"Don't get used to those,
"cos once she's done breastfeeding,
"they're gonna brr,,, and disappear,"
Anyway, joke's on Bill Cosby
because my wife's tits are still banging,
and he's gonna die in prison,
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,
Good night,