- The charity reunion hockey game,
featuring your championship steelhawk team
from 10 years ago,
is just around the corner,
Fingers are crossed
it will see the return of hometown hero Tim Tucker
only months after his parents died in a tragic car accident,
Tickets are now on sale for the game,
And, Tim, if you're out there, we miss ya!
Loser!
- Stats?
- 18 deliveries for $79 in tips,
- Stiffs?
- Three no-tippers,
- Right, Miscellaneous?
- Two phone numbers, one act of vandalism,
- Ok, $79,,,
- Your favourite,
- Veggie?
- Don't be stupid, Matty,
You're a growing boy, All meat,
- It's Matthew, Thanks, Tim,
- Sure, Matty,
The steelhawks have been
almost unstoppable on the power play during these playoffs,
This is a great opportunity for them to tie this game up,
Seminelli wields from behind his neck,
He hits gartley with a lead pass coming out of the zone,
You know they wanna get it to Tucker on open ice,
They do!
Tucker has a full head of steam, cutting across the blue line,
cuts around Clark, but here comes dalmayo!
Holy black and gold! Tucker is sent flying!
He's writhing on the ice!
He locked knees with dalmayo, and this does not look good,
There's not a sound coming from the stands,
Everyone's holding their breath for their star player,
This isn't the first time
we've seen dalmayo pull a trick like this,
Tim Tucker, the most touted junior hockey player in years
is now being placed on a stretcher,
We can only hope this is not as serious as it looks,
- It's in! He shoots, he scores!
- Hey, what the hell is he trying to do?
Why didn't he take this one instead?
You wanna do this? You wanna do this?
Oh, it is on, Oh, it is on!
Oh, ho ho!
You've awoken the bear tonight, buddy!
I am going to eat your garbage
and shit in your trunk!
Are we gonna do this? Oh, are we gonna do this?
Your ass is grass! Your grass is ass!
Hey, it's your pizza-delivery guy,
Yep! Should be there in 3 to 4 minutes,
That's exact change, kid,
You know what you are?
You are a front
for your parents' penny-pinching operation,
Yes, you are!
You're a shield for these cheap-as-fuck shitheads!
Your parents are house-poor, You know what that means?
It means they're tighter than a nun's--
and that is why you should always respect your parents
and brush your teeth every night,
- Holden, honey, can you run this pizza inside, ok?
And just set the table for me,
I'll be right in in one second, ok?
10 years and all you bring is a pizza?
- I'm sorry,
I should've told you,
I shouldn't have left like that,
I,,, I am an,,,
- An idiot! I know,
Yeah, well, you did always look good in a uniform,
- Living the dream, putting on this upper crust pizza Jersey,
- Hmm! Perhaps you've inspired Holden to live the dream too,
I heard that chat you had with him,
- Holden, the kid! - Mm-hmm!
- Yeah, you heard that, - Yep!
- Wow! Wow, kid!
You look great, considering--
- I babysit with Winston once a week,
- Winston! Wow, you got a dog too?
That's--that's great! I love dogs,
- Winston is my fiancé,
- Fiancé, Engaged,
Oh, wow! Yeah!
Well, it makes sense someone scooped you up,,,
Even if they do have a dog's name,
That's great,
- Well, I'm sure you have some other deliveries to get to,
- Nope! Nope! Slow night, Not really,
Um,,,
You sure about this Winston dog guy?
Jesus!
There are other words than "great," Tim,
Stupid, Tim! Stupid!
- Almost forgot your tip,
- That's great,
28 for $110, one ex-girlfriend,
Bic it and box it!
- What ex-girlfriend?
- The ex-girlfriend,
Get in the corners!
- You going to the reunion?
- What? Offside!
Offside!
- Sterling cup reunion weekend, man,
It's been 10 years since you guys won it,
It's gonna be fucking huge!
- I didn't win, if you remember,
I lost,
- The only reason they got there was because of you,
They won it for you, You have to go,
- Ah, I don't know,
The only reason I'm back in the city is because of Matty,
I really feel like i let him down
by not being there for him when he was growing up, you know?
- Yeah, kid is a bit weird,
- You're a bit weird,
- Look, you obviously had your shit to take care of,
Just,,, Just let it go,
- I let it go for 10 years, Bobby,
I can't do it anymore,
- Yeah,
Like, uh,,,
Where did you let it go?
- Hit him for Christ's sake!
- Yeah, you're right, Hell of a game!
Hell of a game, boys!
Come on! Come on, get in there!
- Ran into Kelly,
- No!
- Yep!
10 years and she's just jumped right in,
fiancé, house, babysitting,
It's like she jumped right out of my bed
right into the next guy's,
- Never was sure about her,
- Forecheck!
- Use your head!
- Show us some more!
- Come on! Get in there, Richardson!
- Ugh, she was acting all, like:
"Look at me and my maturity!
"Like, thinking about having a kid is hard,"
I can have a kid brewing tonight if I wanted to, you know?
- Fuck yeah!
- Done, in these big old balls of mine!
- It takes real talent to live like you do and not have a kid,
You are the mature one, No question there,
- It's like she's trying to prove something to me
or something,
- You got nothing to prove,
- Exactly,
What is this special-ed hockey?
- Come on! Get in the corner, Richardson!
Get in there, Richardson! You are a mistake!
- Aaah!
- A drunken fucking mistake, Richardson!
What about this fiancé of hers?
- I didn't see him, I don't know,
- Well, there you! He's probably some fat slob!
You're in great shape,
You've got a Sterling cup ring,
Plus you deliver pizza faster than anybody else
in the history of pie ever!
What does he have?
- I have to see him,
Yeah,
Who is this replacement me?
- Stakeout!
- Can I trust you to be stealth enough?
- Oh, I can be stealthy,
- How stealthy?
- The stealthiest!
Damn!
Kelly looks good!
- I know,
Where is this fat-slob fiancé of yours?
- Man, she's slow at this!
You were always so quick to get it off,
Remember that one-handed trick you had?
You were so fucking slick!
And you would just be hard as a rock while you were doing it,
- Did you spy on me and Kelly?
- What? N-no!
Are you-- are you crazy?
I--i just meant that it reminds me
of you and me getting into trouble and stuff!
Timmy and Bobby bird-dogging chicks, you know?
Taking it out and chopping it up!
God! So many fucking questions!
Just watch!
Come on!
- What the fuck, Bobby?
- Hey, what-- aaah!
- What the fuck? Just scatter!
- Tim! Tim!
Thought you had a bad knee,
- Ok, stop what you're doing and put your hands up,
- You didn't tell me to drop my weapon,
- You fucker!
That's where you were pissing, man!
- Warm, ain't it?
You're fighting a cop, you idiot!
- You're fighting a guy with his pants down!
- Ha!
Tim Tucker?
- Yes! No! Fuck!
- It's me, bill!
- You--you usually make introductions like this?
- Steel mill bill, man!
The hawks! You in town for the reunion?
- Aw, Jesus!
- How's it going, buddy?
You pissed on my leg!
- What did you expect?
I thought you were just some dumb cop,
- I am a dumb cop! Look how fast you stole my gun!
- I just got lucky,
- Drink? - Yes!
- Ah!
You gotta have some stories, though, huh?
Wait, I don't even wanna know, It'll just make me jealous,
- I'm a pizza-delivery driver,
- No! - Yep!
- Aw, man!
I don't know if that makes me sad or happy,
- Yeah, me neither,
- I can't wait to tell my wife
that I have a better job than Tim fucking Tucker!
She always had a crush on you!
- You know what? Go ahead,
Use me to get some action with your wife,
as long as she's thinking about me the whole time,
- Oh, fuck you!
I'm just leveraging your shortcomings, buddy!
- I got plenty of those, man!
- Please tell me you're delivering in the bangin' wagon,
- Delivering porn dreams one knock at a time,
- Get the fuck out of here!
Are you serious? - Yeah!
- Do people know they're getting their pizza delivered
in a pubescent experiment?
How many of us lost our virginity in that thing?
Like, six?
- Seven!
And you guys darted up the whole interior, especially you,
You were shooting ropes from the fucking back to the front!
I had to tell my parents it was marks
for a streak with the team,
- You were always good
at thinking on your toes, though, man!
Ah, fuck!
You know your parents totally fucked in that car, too, right?
Ha!
- My parents are dead, bill,
- Yeah,
I'm just, like, pointing out
what a wonderful life they had, you know,
including banging in the cozy confines of their prodigal son,
Family tree, bud!
- You got that whole police-harassment thing nailed,
my friend,
- First thing they teach you at the academy,
- At least you can still learn
after taking all those shots to the head, my friend,
- You know, every one of those shots to the head
were for you, pal,
Don't you ever forget it!
- Never, brother,
- Oh, fuck you! Don't even fucking think about it!
You're gonna try to kiss me after 3 beers?
That's what we used to call you,
the three-beer queer!
- Fuck you! I'll save it for your wife, then,
- Oh, fuck you!
- The motel district is not our area,
- Yeah, but the food is made,
- It's not our area,
Those motels are full of hookers and scumbags,
No way!
- But the food is already made!
There's no point in wasting it,
- But you will waste my time
and all my other deliveries will be late,
- Hey, this is about customer service!
- These are not our customers,
- But the food is already made, That's my point,
- It's 3 beef and extra cheese,
- Yeah, those are the toppings,
- You know who orders that?
Junkies and douchebags, Neither tip,
You're gonna have to give me extra mileage for this,
- All right, I'll give you an extra buck,
And don't forget the $5-off coupon!
- Do we even have a $5-off coupon?
- I don't think so!
- Pizza! It's the pizza guy!
- Holy fuck, man! It's a white pizza guy,
- No shit! - I'm fucking serious!
- Get his autograph!
- Why the fuck would I do that?
- I don't know, 'cause you're a fucking idiot!
- Man, scrounge up some cash!
- I got the ice!
- My hands are full, I can't even reach my pockets,
- Give him the money already!
- Here's your fucking money!
And I need the coupon,
- What's he talking about?
- Yeah, man, some coupon!
I guess the cleaning lady must've taken it,
- Yeah, I think she thought it was her tip or something,
- Listen, she's not too hard to track down, brother,
She's the one up the laneway with the cart and the towels,
- You got a fucking problem?
- Ah! Yeah, he's white, Big fucking deal!
He's still a piece-of-shit delivery guy,
Let's close the door so we can eat,
We have a problem here?
- No, you guys are the ones with the problem,
- You fuck!
- Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- Man, did you see that car?
- Yeah, I saw that car,
- The customers at the motel got a problem,
Wrong toppings on one of the pizzas,
You gotta go back with a new one,
- Ok,
- This is good customer service!
- I know, I know,
- Extra buck!
- Hope you're comfortable back there, Sonny,
Please let the front desk know if they can get you anything,
- Could you have the concierge send up a couple of goons
to do a small job for me,
and make sure they're not beaten and broken, please,
- They were dicks!
- Shut the fuck up and imagine what I was thinking
when I heard my so-called thugs got the shit kicked out of them
by a pizza-delivery driver!
- Well, at least I know they won't go to the cops now,
- Yeah, but I might,
That's right!
They may be very interested to know
that Timmy two guns is living in the general vicinity,
- I know you better than that, Sonny,
- Yeah, Right,
That is a very fetching costume you have on,
Tell me, do you always pulverize customers who don't tip?
- First time, But it felt good,
- It felt good because that's who you are,
You are a pit bull, not a pizza boy,
Come back and work for me,
You have to accept responsibility for who you are,
- That's exactly what i am trying to do,
- Hmm!
Thanks, two guns, I'll be in touch,
- But after this, you're done, You're through,
You leave this town, You get the fuck out of here!
- But we live here!
- Not anymore!
- But we can-- we--we can do this job that you hired us for!
- You can't even say that fucking sentence, douchebag!
Let me get this straight,
The three of you, all with guns,
were taken down by a pizza-delivery driver?
What happens when you meet an angry waitress
or a moody mailman or a pissed-off paper boy?
Huh? Tell me that!
- You said it was Timmy two guns from your old crew!
Like, he's no ordinary pizza driver!
You fuck!
Let's go,
Hey, fellas, by the way,
be wary of the cleaning lady
'cause she looks mighty surly tonight,
- I told you the cleaning lady looked mean!
- He was being sarcastic, asshole,
saying we can't defend ourselves against subservians and shit!
- "Subservians" is not a word,
- Did you know what i meant by it?
- No!
- Then how do you know it's not a fucking word?
- Just fucking count! Tell me how much money we have,
- You know, not as much as we would get
if we did the job we were supposed to do,
That's for sure!
- Man, fuck this Timmy prick!
What's so special about him?
Next time I see him,
I'm gonna "subserviate" the shit out of him,
Hmm?
- You know what? Fuck this!
Let's go get loaded,
- What about don, man?
Shouldn't we take him somewhere or something,
uh, help him and shit?
- More money for us,
- What's he talking about, "retards"?
That's a good fucking idea, man!
- Thank you,
You know what? I kind of like it without don,
- Yeah!
It's nice,
It's like,,,
It's like he's here but he's not,
- Yeah!
- You think the cabbie will help us load him into the car?
- Yeah! I mean, he's like luggage now,
- I just point and I say: "Luggage,"
- Yeah!
- Nice, Nice, I like it,
Is that who I think it is?
- No way! - Yeah!
- I mean, I thought he was in, like, the military or something,
- I thought he was a hockey god in Finland,
- Ok, guys, maybe he's both of those, I don't know,
But fuck me if he didn't deliver me a pizza last week!
- No shit! - Mm-hmm!
- No, he was probably doing that
because he wanted to talk to you,
- Oh no! Oh no!
He was totally harassing Winston's nephew
about giving him tips,
- Tim Tucker working for tips? - Mm-hmm!
- Goddamn!
- Hmm,,, - Huh!
- Maybe that would make sense if he were a stripper,
- Hmm! Hmm!
- I live in my mom's basement,
I would've went with you,
- I couldn't take you where I went,
- Fuck you! Don't fucking give me--
- I went to Montreal, i got drunk, I fought a lot,
got recruited for a couple less-than-reputable jobs,
found out I was good at it,
did more of them, climbed the ranks
and became a top-level earner,
- Are you talking about amway?
- More along the lines of killing and stealing,
- Yeah,
Yeah, that makes sense,
Ok, sure,
Barkeep!
A couple of bourbons for me and the goodfella over here!
- I don't know! He's looking good!
- What did you call his dick again, kel?
It was like,,, - Little big tuck?
- Yeah! - Oh shit!
- Why do I get the feeling you ladies were talking about me?
- I was just sharing your shakedown techniques
on little boys,
- Untrue, ladies, Untrue,
I never miss an opportunity to educate our young,
They are our future, and I truly believe that,
- So, you're, like, a pizza Buddhist?
- The pizza driver is the waiter of the streets,
delivering hot food to your home
without the perks of a controlled climate
or nice trays,
but, rather, increasing gas prices, bad traffic
and whatever mother nature chooses to dish out,
We are road warriors,
and we should be paid and treated as such,
- You'd make more money stripping, mad Max,
- I prefer driving,
- I think we spent half of senior year in that wagon,
- I'm just gonna go powder my nose,
- Ah, me too,
- The guy at the bar over there
would love to powder his nose too,
- Ok, We'll find him, - On it,
- Mm-hmm!
- Ah! You girls like music? You like music?
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Me too!
What about this sweater? You like this sweater?
I got it 4, maybe 6 years ago for Christmas,
No, no! Two, Two,
Definitely two, Definitely two,
Usually my mom has shit taste,
but she fucking knocked it out of the park on this one!
You girls wanna make out or something,
celebrate our new family here?
- Uh, yeah, i don't think so,
That knitwear you're wearing, it's a real turnoff,
- Boom! How about now?
- Yeah, I don't think so,
Um, your upper body is a real turnoff,
- Ok, um, you don't like the upper body, How about--
- Jesus!
- How about the lower body?
- Bobby! Stop it!
- Ok!
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Fine, fine, fine! Ok! Ok!
Uh, what next? Let's write a rap song!
Do you rap a rap song or write a rap song or do you,,,
Are rap songs just, like, rapped and then transcribed?
Ok, yeah, you're probably right,
It's about the attitude, not the words, you know?
Oh god!
Whoo! Oh man!
Fucking great!
Ooh! Yeah!
Hey! Hey! What-- what's going on?
Back for more!
- Yeah,
- Ok, ok, I'll see you later,
- So, you know about the reunion, right?
- I can't seem to escape it,
- Me too, Dad just got back in town,
That's why I'm here,
He's already tried to rearrange my living room,
and he's been at my house for, like, 3 hours,
Totally him, right?
- Coach knows game plans, blueprints,
I'm sure he's right,
- You should come by and see him tomorrow,
Totally shit himself!
- Me, you, Winston and coach,
One big happy family,
- You haven't even met Winston,
I'm sure you'd like him,
- He's with you, That makes it fundamentally impossible,
He could be Santa claus, and I'd still have to hate him,
- It's been 10 years, Tucker,
Get over me,
- When did you get engaged?
- Last month,
- Last month?
Where did he ask you?
- I asked him,
- No shit!
- Yeah!
Dad called, said he was gonna be back in town for the reunion,
and kind of made me put my life into perspective, you know?
Made me think that it was time for me to grow up,
So I asked Winston for his hand,
- Then I showed up with pizza,
- Then you showed up with pizza,
- If only I'd delivered you pizza sooner,
- Wouldn't have made a difference,
We were kids, Tim,
This is an adult relationship,
a relationship with one bank account,
And you deliver pizza,
- If I had a bank account,
I would totally share it with you,
- But I don't wanna share a shoebox,
Why don't you come over for brunch tomorrow,
and you can meet him and you can see dad,
- Are you inviting me for a sleepover tonight?
- No,
I'm inviting you to brunch,
We need some cocksucking,
fucking service here!
Game over!
- Brunch!
Can we get some service?
Hey! Hey!
Bring us some beer!
- She says she's engaged,
but, you know, what does that really mean?
It's been a long time, and a lot of things change,
but what really changes, you know?
But her lips,,, Oh, ho ho!
Her lips were engaged with me tonight, Matty, and not his,
- What-- what--
- not his, History means more than a house and a ring,
- Now what, Matty? What's my move?
- Shit!
- There you go! Get comfortable with that,
Ah, I've worked with a lot of shitty people,
I've done a lot of shitty things,
But I know what love is,
and love happens at things like brunch,
12 for 46, 3 beat-up men,
one job offer from an ex-boss and one near kiss with an ex,
- Tim, there's a gun in my hand!
- Yeah, that's right! Second one,
Because in this life,
you really gotta learn to watch your own back,
- There's 2 guns in my hand,
and you're telling me your delivery stats,
- Accounting is always important,
- Are you a killer, Tim?
- I've killed people that had it coming,
You know, Matty? That's it,
- That's a killer!
And you know what killers do? They justify!
- Well, I'm sure you've wanted
to kill some of your friends from time to time,
- No, Tim! I don't have any friends!
And it's probably lucky, too,
because, obviously, the tuckers have a killer gene in them,
so I'm probably better off just staying by myself!
- Well, that's the whole point,
We share the same gene, We're brothers,
And I'm not gonna let anyone hurt us, ok?
Ok,
- Now let me show you how to use those, Come on,
One, One, - Oh god!
- Yeah, like that, big guy!
All right,
- Oh god!
My brother's teaching me how to be an assassin,
First accounting, now assassinating,
- Better than algebra, Matty, Better than algebra,
Now pull the triggers,
And don't you ever do that again unless you are absolutely sure,
- Ok,
- Good night, Matty!
- Matthew,
Matty's-- Matty's fine! Don't kill me!
- Timothy!
I've heard a lot about you from Kelly's dad,
Hi! Welcome!
Tucker!
You lollygagging son of a bitch!
You get your ass in here!
- Damn, coach! You look good! Real good,
That must be your matching car outside, huh?
- Star players don't kiss ass,
They get their asses kissed!
Get over here!
Oh!
- Ok,
- Flowers! Get the men a couple of beers, will ya?
- Yeah,
- Honey, you shouldn't have!
- Those are from me, Don't take credit,
- Considering they smell like pizza
and were obviously purchased at a grocery store,
you don't have to worry,
- Pizza-smelling flowers,
That's the most ingenious thing I've ever heard,
Good work, son, - Thanks, coach!
Flowers that smell like flowers have been done death,
- You got that right! Hey, let's go look at the car,
I remember you used to like to take Kelly
on all sorts of rides,,,
- Mm-hmm! - ,,,When you were younger,
What are you driving these days?
- Oh, same thing, actually,
- Bring the beers out to the car, will ya, flowers?
- Honey, it's just locker talk,
Seriously, don't worry about it,
Put these in some water for me, ok?
- Yeah!
- All right, thanks,
It's a real Frankenstein,
Yeah, I know the feeling,
- You know, I thought you'd be, uh, tearing up
some backwoods semi-pro league in Iceland or something,
- Nope, nothing,
Uh, just lost myself in the big city,
- You and me both, kid,
It's good to see you,
- There comes a time to be found,
You know,,,
I've been chasing this car since I was your age, 26 years,
I first saw her when Kelly was a baby,
I didn't have any money,
I've been tracking her ever since,
every owner, every city she's ever been in,
I almost traded my cup rings from the show for her once,
But it was worth the wait, Tim,
When I got my chance, I pounced,
You could definitely deliver pizzas in a hurry in this,
- Uh, I guess you've been doing
a little better than me since the cup year,
- I do ok,
But winning's been a little harder to come by
when you weren't around,
- Winning's been harder to come by when hockey wasn't around,
- Well, you must've done all right,
You look good, son,
- You know, not so sure about this guy she's with, coach,
- You didn't expect her to wait around forever, did you?
- Well, this car waited for you,
- This car didn't wait for me, I finally caught up to her,
If I was a little smarter,
I might've been able to spend a little more time with her,
- Yeah, you hear she proposed to him?
- I sure did! I actually kind of liked it,
She's a take-charge kind of girl,
- What kind of name is Winston, anyway?
- Tim, flowers is not like us,
He treats her well, though,
- Treats her well,
Well, this car treats you well,
You're not gonna marry it,
- This car has rushed more blood to my dick
than any woman in the last 5 years!
I would if I could!
- Hey, rally up, boys! Brunch is ready,
- Oh!
- Oh! Allow me,
- What?
- Winston, how about those beers?
- How rude of us, gentlemen,
What about you, Kelly? Just milk, right?
- Yeah, Not a bad memory for a hockey player!
- Ah, hell! Tim was one of the brightest players in the game!
- Well, luckily the brain deterioration isn't as bad
as it is in football,
You ever feel like you have dementia
or that you're somewhere where you shouldn't be, Timothy?
- Oh, thankfully, I had a career-ending leg injury
when I was young,
But I appreciate your concern, Winston,
and I am exactly where I should be,
This looks great, kel,
- Mm-hmm! Fantastic, Kelly!
You've really outdone yourself!
- She always was a whiz in the kitchen,
- Oh, even more so now, I'm sure!
The dishes you come up with, honey, are out of this world!
- I'm sure they are!
You know, it was always me the prodigy on the ice
and kel the prodigy off the ice,
- Well, Kelly's a very talented woman,
and I'm a lucky guy,
- You sure are, Winston,
You sure are!
- Alrighty, then!
Let's all, uh, dig in!
- Before that, let's have a toast
to someone who I owe a lot of that luck to,
To Tim!
- That's a fine sentiment, Winston,
To Tim!
- To Tim, for choosing to run away
when things got a little tough,
- Excuse me, flowers?
I don't think you have any idea,
- Oh, but I think I do,
- The food, gentlemen!
- Do we have a problem here, flowers,
if that's your real name,
because we can sort this out right now,
Enough!
- Enough!
- She was pregnant when you left, you asshole!
Did you know that?
Yeah, she had an abortion,
and now she can't have kids anymore,
Do you feel good about that, big man?
- That's enough, Winston,
- Oh, yeah, Leave again, You're good at that!
Who's not man enough now?
- You had no right telling him that!
- He had no right walking out on you!
- He didn't know, He had no idea!
- I think he had an idea when he put his penis in you!
- Winston, take a walk,
- Sir, I'm sorry, but i don't like that man!
- I don't like the way you're talking about my daughter,
Get some air, son,
- He's an asshole!
- You're an asshole! Take a walk!
- No, this is my house,
and I can have any opinion that I want,
And I'm not going anywhere!
Ok, I'll take a walk,
- Is that true?
I'm sorry, kel, I--i didn't know,
- I know,
- I never stopped loving you,
I hope you know that,
I had to leave,
I wasn't good for anyone,
- I just thought you would come back a lot sooner,
- I'm sorry, coach,
- You had your reasons, son,
Nobody blames you,
- Tell Winston I'm sorry,
- Smashing!
- Uh, how much was that, again?
- $32,30,
- All right, I don't have a card,
I don't know where it is,
I'm gonna see if i have any cash,
- Whoa!
Not even a fucking tip!
Fuck this shit!
- This looks like the man I remember,
Yeah!
You're looking good, son!
- Portfolio,
- I want this guy brought here by Saturday night,
and I want him alive,
and I want you to kill him in front of me,
and I wanna watch him squirm,
- Usual deal?
- There will be a significant bonus on this one,
This guy's made it personal,
- I want the usual money,
but for a bonus, i wanna be left alone,
This job and I'm done,
I need to take care of my brother,
I can't take these risks anymore,
- Family is important, I respect that,
I'll Grant the bonus as well,
And that's a brand new car
so you can stop driving that shit-box around!
- If that shit-box could talk,,,
- It's hidden 'round back,
- Assholes!
- I had to make sure you'd show up,
You got 2 days, Tim,
Two days,
- Rough night, buddy?
- Yes, No!
Why? Wh--what?
Bobby, you little hairy bastard!
I'm fucked, you know that?
I love Kelly, and now I have to kill her dad
'cause he owes a shit ton of cash,
He coached like a hell of a dad!
And now I've gotta kill him,
because that's what I am, I'm a killer,
Blam, bam! You're dead, ma'am!
I can't-- I can't kill him,
You know what, though?
I gotta protect him and Kelly,
because I'm gonna marry her
'cause I love her and her dad and little Matty too,
Sorry, sorry Matthew,
Matthew!
You too, Bobby, buddy,
Mi familia! Hmm?
So, tonight,,,
Tonight, Bobby, me and you,
we gotta do--do this charity reunion dinner thing tonight
to protect coach and Kelly,
And that's--that's all there is to it!
I love you, buddy!
- So, my question for you is:
Are we going to this charity reunion dinner thingy or what?
- Yeah, Bobby, We're going,
- Oh yes! Come here!
- Aaah!
- Kiss me! Mwah!
You beautiful son of a bitch!
Oh yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Oh! Guess what, Matty? Uncle Bobby's doing it tonight!
Mmm, yeah! Mmm!
- Yeah,
- Ah, yeah!
- I read the portfolio on your coach,
You're gonna need money to get everybody out of here fast,
if you're not gonna kill him,
You're not gonna kill him, right?
- No, Matty, I am not gonna kill him,
- Good, because the charity event at the reunion game
is your mark,
What?
- $50,000,
You're playing in that game, and you're stealing that money,
- I'm listening,
- You too, Bobby, You need to be in on this,
- Well, all right! Two invites in one day,
Ooh! I am flattered!
- Oh!
It looks like someone is thinking
somewhere fancy for date night!
- Oh shit! Date night,
- Don't worry,
I already made a reservation at Chez mon ami
to make up for yesterday,
You don't have to worry about a thing because tonight, milady,
you are gonna be so pampered,
Oh!
No, honey, tonight is the cup reunion dinner,
Remember? I'm going with dad,
- Oh, right! Fun, fun!
Oh yeah, it'll be great to see your dad in his environment,
you know, see him in all his glory,
I can't wait,
- I don't think you can really go, babe,
'cause I'm his plus-one,
- Well, that's fine, I'll just be your plus-one,
- I don't really think that's the way plus-ones work,
It's not like dominoes,
- Yeah, you know what? You're right,
I'm just stupid in thinking i know what a plus-one is, Huh!
It's weird, because I figured being a plus-one for life
would mean I'd get to go to dinners and such,
How dumb of me!
I already said I was sorry for brunch the other day,
You can't keep penalizing me like this!
- Stop being a drama queen, Winston,
- Why are you moisturizing your legs
for a date with your dad?
- Don't be a pervert!
- Timothy's going, isn't he? - I'd assume so, yes,
That was the year he broke all the junior records,
- Oh! Oh, I would assume so!
That's the year he was probably breaking into your panties,
You know what? I'm coming!
- No, You can't,
- Oh, really? You gave me the ring,
That means I'm your plus-one for life, anywhere you are,
Anywhere! That's the point of the ring!
- Jesus, Bobby!
- You like? My treat!
- What the fuck?
I'm not accepting an open drink from you tonight,
You know that, right?
- Yeah, yeah, I know,
That's what all my dates tell me,
- Honey, thank you for being so understanding,
I know all of this must be really hard on you,
- Yeah, I'm--I'm sorry about earlier,
I think it's really great
that you get to spend this time with your father
and everything,
Mm-hmm! Love that old man of yours,
- You are one in a million,
- Yeah! Have fun tonight,
- Ok, You too,
Bye-bye!
- Kelly!
Plus-one for life!
- Well, the candy has dropped
on the vending machine case,
I'm standing at ground zero, where it's believed
that the original victim of the vending-machine bandit
has finally been found,
Detective and former steelhawk enforcer bill petcoff
attributes this find to taking things day by day
and one shift at a time,
Now, it's hoped that the puck will stop here
once forensics gets back from the coroner
and that petcoff will get the firepower he needs
to put this decades-old mystery to rest once and for all,
Now, for those who have missed out on the easy convenience
of snacks, cigarettes and even hot chocolate,
our hearts and prayers are with you,
- What the hell's next? Teddy bear burglars?
The criminal element in this town is embarrassing!
- Oh, heartbreaking, Uh, thanks, belinda,
Um, well, the city has been talking about this weekend
for a long time,
And now that it's here, the excitement is electric,
especially since we've just heard
that local legend Tim Tucker has just arrived,
- What are you gonna tell coach?
- Nothing, The less he knows the better,
I don't want him doing anything stupid,
- Ok!
Monsieur!
Giddy the fuck up!
- I'm here with former prodigy
and local legend for life
Tim Tucker along with his former coach,,,
- Hey, bubba, check this out!
- ,,,to celebrate
the pre-eminent sporting event
in Hamilton history,
the Sterling cup championship!
Tim, how does it feel
to be here 10 years later?
- Uh, you know, it feels great,
It's amazing to see the community come out
like it did 10 years ago,
It shows that the bonds back then
still continue today,
So, real great,
- Fantastic, And how's the knee?
- It's, uh, yeah, it's well, thanks,
- Any chance for a Tim Tucker comeback?
- Uh, no, no, I'm too old,
Players here are too good,
Just happy to have been part of something special,
- Well, you--you look in terrific shape
and ready for something special,
Coach, you stepped away from the game for a while,
What's life been like for you
ever since that breathtaking run to the championship?
- It's been a fun ride,
You know,
I have a beautiful and successful daughter,
It's really great to be here
with her and Tim tonight,
It's all about family,
We're looking forward to a great weekend together,
- There you have it:
Family, community and team spirit,
Truly inspiring then, now and into the future,
And don't forget,
due to the success of the charity fundraiser,
there will be one lucky $50,000 winner
at tomorrow's hockey game,
So be sure to come out,
Oh, back to you, Diane,
- Back to you, Diane,
- Huh?
- Hello!
- Give me my phone,
No, no, no! Don't stop! Just grab my phone, ok?
The daughter of your coach
sure has
a pretty face,
I'd hate to
mess it up,
Smiley face,
- There was the championship that season,
But before that was awarded, there was someone
who broke every single junior scoring record,
And they still stand to this day!
Of course I'm talking about Tim Tucker!
Now, let's all take a trip down memory Lane
and watch a guy
that not only was one of the greatest players
to ever play in this city,
but in any city, anywhere!
- Ten!
Ten years, Tucker, Ten years,
- I'm s-sorry!
- Come dance with me once your balls drop,
- Yeah, ok,
- Tim Tucker, you good-looking son of a bitch!
You need some help over there?
Just like old times, buddy,
- Yep,
- Wow! Your dancing's improved,
- Bad knee helps you focus on only the necessary movements,
- How are your, uh, balls? They doing ok?
- They deserved it,
- Right,
- How did you end up ever getting engaged?
- Men wanna make babies with me,
- Poor bastards!
- I know!
- I love you,
- Dip me,
- Thanks for saving my girl from drowning, Timothy,
- Your lady? - Mm-hmm,
Or plus-one or whatever,
- Funny, I don't remember you from 10 years ago,
Maybe you shouldn't be here
or you have dementia,
- No, no, no, I have the ring of power,
Yeah! Plus-one guy!
Plus-one for life,
- Ok, we were just dancing, Winston,
- Dipping, You were dipping, sweetheart,
- You've got nothing to worry about, flowers,
Let's man this out,
Come on, get up in here,
- All right,
Oh!
- Hey, don't! Leave him alone, He's ok,
- Damn right, I'm ok,
I'm the best!
- Moonwalk?
I'm beginning to like that guy, Fuck!
- Did you get the money?
- I emptied his bank account today,
$50,000, like I thought,
- Where is it?
- In the trunk of your car,
- You think Tim's ready to steal the other 50 tomorrow?
- I think he's about ready to do anything for me,
- What Winston said must have crushed the poor boy,
- Yeah, well, we knew that Winston was a dick
when I asked him to marry me,
But, uh, I think Tim's changed, though,
- You're not falling for him, are you?
Now, this boy hasn't thought of anyone but himself
since his injury,
- No! No, dad!
I'm just saying he's more like the Tim
that he was before the injury, you know?
Like when he would do anything for anyone on his team,
- He abandoned us, honey,
- I know,
- Ok, ok,
Now, anything else?
Let's focus on the task at hand,
Um, have you noticed anything suspicious in town?
- Uh, a couple of big guys at the bar the other night,
but I don't think they had much between their ears,
- Sonny might be around, You be careful,
- Did you contact him about the money yet?
- No, no, I'm waiting till I get the other 50,
- Ok, Hey!
We got this, dad, Ok?
- Yeah, Good,
- Ok,
- Maple whiskey, and keep them coming,
That's right,
Good party!
- I'm sorry, sir, but your card seems to have been declined,
- Oh, Jesus! Wha-- how?
- Please lay off the balls,
- I'm really, uh, sorry about the way things have turned out,
But we need to talk,
Is there somewhere we can go?
He's in a lot of trouble,
He owes a lot of money,
- Really?
- Gambling,
- Really?
- He needs help, He needs money, fast,
- Really?
- Yes, Tim, really,
- Really?
- Yes! Fucking really!
- What can I do?
- Ok, there's a giveaway happening tomorrow night
at the charity event,
I wanna steal it, But we need help on the inside,
- I'm playing, I'll be on the inside,
- Really?
- Really,
- You think you can get the money?
- I think I can come up with a plan,
- If you do this, I will make it worth your while,
- $50,000 worth is a lot of while,
- I'll be over tonight, and you can tell me the plan,
- Really?
- You're a good man,,,
But a very, very bad man,
Do you know what I'm saying?
- Not really, no,
- Ying and Yang, man!
That's what I'm talking about,
Ying-Yang man,
That's what I'm gonna call you from now on,
But don't you worry, coach, 'cause I got you covered,
- I have no idea what you're talking about,
but that's real swell, Bob,
Good luck tomorrow,
And, uh, I should say, we got you covered,
Don't you worry about a thing,
- It's a legends game,
There's not much at stake, but thanks,
- Oh! Not much at stake!
You're funny, coach!
- Ok! I'm going somewhere else,
- Oh! Ok, you go somewhere else, coach!
That's where we're all gonna go,
People--people respect this--this dick,
This dick and balls!
Mmm! Can I get another one, please?
Yeah, that makes sense, Ok,
Ah!
You guys got any triumph in here?
- No, you go to hell!
No, I think you are a crook and a jerk,
and I really am not gonna do any more business with you,
Goodbye!
- What seems to be the problem, Winston?
- The bank says I have no more money in my account,
- That's ridiculous!
Now, let's go back to the house,
and we'll figure this out, buddy,
- They wouldn't even give me a drink at the bar,
- Plenty of maple whiskey at your place,
Let's get out of here,
- Sure thing, Mr, Quinn,
- Coach,
- All right, coach!
Coach, I like it!
Honey?
Kelly? What the fuck?
- Ok, pops, You good here?
- Ah!
I'm just grateful
for a night without flowers' incessant banter,
Thanks, honey,
- Ok, well, I'm going to Tim's,
so I will see you in the morning,
- Ah! Goodnight, sweetie,
I'm proud of you,
- Thanks, dad, Goodnight,
- Goodnight,
- Night, Winston,
Goodnight, Kelly,
- It's pretty weird being back here like this,
- Name one thing that wasn't weird about tonight,
- Bobby motorboating on the dance floor?
- I'm glad i delivered you pizza,
- I kind of ordered from you on purpose,
The girl who works there is the daughter of one of my clients,
It took 3 tries before you delivered,
- Deviant,
I kind of knew your dad owes the mob a lot of money,
- I kind of never had an abortion,
- I kind of used to work for the mob,
- I kind of always wanted to use you to get the money tomorrow,
- Well, I kind of was already planning on stealing it,
- I kind of have Winston tied up in my house right now,
- It kind of was hard to kill your father,
- I kind of used Winston just to siphon the money,
- The guy after your dad is kind of in town,
- I kind of wanna kill that guy!
- I kind of never got over you,
- What are we gonna do?
Win!
- Uh, hi!
- Hi!
That was a hell of a plan you came up with!
- Oh, thanks!
- You're doing some casual reading, I see?
- This is just stupid,
Numbers are easier than words, I guess,
So, you're no longer the ex-girlfriend, I guess?
- Wow, ex-girlfriend!
That sounds like a high-ranking status,
I don't know if I wanna lose a title like that,
- I mean,,, So, I mean,,,
Y-you guys are doing it again?
- Um,,,
Have you ever kissed a girl, Matthew?
- Uh, no, no,
Girls don't usually, like, notice me,
Um,,,
But thank you,
- For what?
- For calling me Matthew,
Tim usually just calls me Matty, and I don't get it,
You know, what's the point? It's still 2 syllables,
- Yeah, It's 'cause he's a hockey player,
- What does it feel like to,,, do it?
- Um,,,
I guess, uh, if you're with the right person,
it feels perfect,,,
Like, um, like you shouldn't be anywhere else,,,
,,,like you belong,
- I never really felt like I belonged anywhere,
It's time to go,
You're staying here, Matty,
- I wanna help, Let me help!
- It's too dangerous, I can't risk it,
You're the only family I've got left, huh?
- Bye, Matthew,
- Thanks! Go hawks!
Holy frackin' goal!
Tim Tucker has called out Steph dalmayo
and is looking to settle the score from 10 years ago,
Buckle up, everybody! Here we go!
He lands with a couple of rights straight on,
and down he goes!
Dalmayo has dropped! Lights out!
The crowd is on its feet,
cheering on their former hometown hero
like so many times before,
Drink it in, number 9! Drink it in!
It's been a long, long time coming,
- Have you seen a little girl?
I can't find my daughter,
- Whoa! Look, this is a pretty big place, all right?
You guys should let the office know immediately,
- That girl is the most important thing to me!
- That little girl's the most important thing to me!
- Nineteen hours of labour will attach anybody to anyone,
I--i haven't been apart from her this long for ever!
- One of our 3 lucky contestants chosen from the crowd
will walk away today with $50,000!
Starting from the opposing blue line,
they will be attempting to shoot the puck through the hole
and into the net at the other end,
- Hey!
Bottom of the handbag,
- Ah!
- Booyah! - Make sure we're good outside,
- Oh, I will,
- I got it,
- Holy shit!
- Bob!
Coach?
What the hell did you hit me for?
- To knock out the security guard,
- Do I look like security?
- You're wearing the clothes!
- They told me you were in on this, this morning,
- I am! I assume since you were involved, it didn't go smoothly,
Sweetie?
- Yeah, It's all good, dad, ok?
I'm gonna go after the car,
You go with this, uh, motley crew,
- With you as captain, I don't have to worry about anything,
- That's right,
- Let's see the money,
- We got it,
- Ok, Good job, Now, hand it over,
- There's still a lot to be done,
- I can handle it, I just need that money and I'll be fine,
- Really? Because I was hired to kill you,
If someone else took the contract, you'd be dead by now,
- You gonna let this clown handle the money?
- I'm right here,
- If we stick to the plan, we'll get through this,
I owe you that much,
Hurry,
- Ladies and gentleman,
the grand prize has arrived!
- Hey! You didn't see anything,
Oh!
- Oh! We're getting close now!
- And the best thing you can name
is the good old hockey game!
Second verse, same as the first,
- I'm in love with your daughter,
- I know that!
- I'd like to ask for her hand in marriage,
if it's all right,
- I don't like your lifestyle,
- Coming from a degenerate gambler and shitty crook,
I can't help but feel a little hurt,
- I appreciate the irony, Tim,
- Yeah, you should know that before this, I was done,
It's been a very confusing time for me,
with you, Kelly, the reunion, Sonny,,,
My head's been a mess, You have to understand that,
- Happens to be my specialty, Tim,
- Good, because now, I'm seeing clearly,
After this, I'm gonna change my path,
Give back,
- How?
- I don't know, but I'm done taking,
From here on, it's about giving,
- Good for you!
- It's in! We have a winner!
Get on over here, and let's get the hawks over here,
- Hey! Can I get a gun, please?
Creepy singing guy sounds like he wants to slay people,
He even knows all the lyrics!
- Ha!
I've never seen you hesitate before, Timmy,
- I'm a changed man, Sonny,
- Yeah, sure you are, timbits,
- Coach has the money, Sonny,
- You got, what? 50 grand?
That's only half,
- We've got the other half too,
- It's true, We got it all,
Debt paid in full,
- I'll say when the debt is paid in full,
and that's when Tim puts you down!
Your time has passed, coach!
- He's been like a father to me, Sonny,
I can't do it,
- I was like a father to you, Me!
10 years!
You were a mopey little pissant when I met you,
I rebuilt you into the man that you are,
- Not a man I'm proud of, Sonny,
- Everybody likes a good comeback story,
- Shut the fuck up, you geriatric fuck up,
pissing your money away, money that you never even had!
You know, you're a dead man to me already,
The money is just a bonus,
- Nobody cares about you, Sonny,
'Cause you don't value human life,
no one values yours,
- If that's true, he would've pulled the trigger already,
- Anybody see the show my two dads?
Family programming at its finest,
Anyways, Tim can just have 2 dads!
I'm sure he cares about you both immensely,
Especially you, Sonny,
- Shut up, hairball!
- Ha! Classy touch!
- No more shoeboxes, kel,
- Hey! This is my show,
Get in the car! Jesus!
- No! Matty! Matthew!
- Two,,,
Two bad guys, two shots, Mark it!
- You're alive!
- You never told me anything about kickback, Tim,
- I didn't think you'd have to pull the triggers,
- Meet me there,
- Anybody home?
Tim?
- I love you,
- I love you too,
- Bobby, grab a couple hockey bags from the garage!
We're gonna need 'em,
- Two gangsters well known to police
were found dead
at the steelhawks championship reunion hockey game,
where reports are speculating a double-cross during a robbery,
At the game, fans were treated to the unexpected return
of wayward son and junior hockey great Tim Tucker,
Perhaps the book has yet to be closed on this local legend
and a new beginning is just around the corner,
Closed captions: mels
- it's in! He shoots, he scores!