رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
Here's the thing about living with all women,
There's constant crying in the house,
And they hate it when I do that,
It's like, first of all, you know what I'm going through,
All right, you guys ready for your first comedian?
Let me hear it,
Please give it up for Nina Geld!
It's incredible, the things us women could be getting done
if we weren't always defending ourselves
from men trying to fuck us
all the time,
Peace between Israel and Palestine,
or Syria, or Saudi Arabia, or whatever,
We could have fixed that a long time ago,
but a bunch of dudes that just couldn't stop thinking about
fucking that hot Israeli translator,
Just fuck!
When I think about all the amazing things men could have accomplished,
if you weren't just trying to fuck us all the time,
You've made a breakthrough,
You're about to find the cure of cancer,
But, ah, you just wanna fuck your lab assistant,
Fuck!
Did you know, that's why we haven't found a cure for cancer?
It's because of fucking lab assistants,
You ready to see a cool comic?
This is fucking bullshit,
Fucking girl comic,
Why do I wanna fuck her?
Because you always want to fuck her,
Remember that time you were supposed to help your friend Jamie
with her AP biology test,
but you fucked her instead?
She failed that test,
Instead of graduating, getting her doctorate
and going on to solve the energy crisis,
she lives with her mother now and manages a Lids,
That's on you,
That's on you and your dumb, dumb dick,
Okay, I know I'm not supposed to talk about my pussy on stage,
because men never talk about their dicks,
but here's the thing,
I bleed through my pussy every month,
In fact, I'm,,, I'm bleeding through my pussy right now,
On stage,
And here's something else you probably don't know,
Just before I get my period every month,
and over the next day or two,
I get diarrhea,
I do, And I'm not the only one either,
It happens to a lot of us women,
- Okay? - Whoo! Yeah,
When I go to the bathroom and I'm done shitting liquid while I check Facebook,
I look down, it's like a scene from fucking Saving Private Ryan,
It's just like a massacre in there,
But weirdly no men,
No Matt Damon, just the all female reboot,
I read there's a German word for it,
"Bloodshitza,"
I bet in Canada the National Health Service
gives you a fucking day off for bloodshitza,
Oh, no!
Oh, no, Stay home, watch some hockey
and just shit that blood out,
Nina Geld, everybody,
She's horny as fuck, right?
Give it up for our next comic, Mike Hall,
Nina Geld, Round of applause for her,
I'm supposed to say, like, she's really funny, but she's hot,
She's red smoking,
oh, my God, take you out of your game hot,
and I want to fuck her,
She can put me in a dungeon, tie me up,
and play Phil Collins,
and I would still be bonerific,,,
Murderer,
When are you gonna fuck me?
Like, this dance is stupid,
Lose some weight, you fat fuck, Look at yourself,
If I lose weight you'll fuck me?
'Cause I'll lose,,, I'll lose weight,
You know why I will really never fuck you, Mike?
It has nothing to do with your weight, You know why?
No, it has everything to do with my weight,
I'm a big, fat fuck,
It's because there's not a single original bone in your body,
I'd like to put an original bone in your body,
Have fun jacking off to me tonight, right?
Jacking off to you is gonna be the best part of my night,
You're filthy,
You are filthy when I jack off to you,
We're not driving, We're taking the Uber chopper,
Have you guys checked that out yet?
Look, man, It should be a good weekend, It gets a little wild,
Uh,,,
Hi, Wanna buy me a drink?
You're, uh,,, You're forward,
Well, you make more than me, so it's only fair,
Well, what do you do?
I'm a comedian,
You're a comedian?
So then of course you'll tell me a joke?
Hmm, No,
No? Well, I don't know if I want to buy you a drink
if you're not gonna tell me a joke,
Do you wanna just go, then?
Do I want to?
Let's go,
Yeah, okay,
So, is this whole, like, cougar thing common for you?
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
Did you just say,,, Did you just use,,, Oh, God,
No, did I say that?
- Did you just say cougar? - No, I didn't,
How am I a cougar?
I swear, I'm like three years older than you,
- Jesus Christ, Joe, - Who is this guy?
Hey, who the fuck is this guy?
Who am I? Who are you, man?
Jesus,,, How did you get in here?
- No,,, - What are you,,,
It doesn't matter who he is, okay?
Okay, Uh,,, I'm gonna go,
- Stay, - You should fucking leave,
Uh,,,
Hey, Ken,
I asked you to come up here, and I want you to stay, Okay?
Okay, Uh, it's Cy actually,,,
Cy, Fine,
Looks like you already got a Ken,
That works out, That's great,
So I'm gonna sit this one out,
She'll be fine,
Look at that, You'll be fine,
Works out perfectly,
Good night,
I'm taking these, So,,,
Thanks a lot, asshole,
Hey, hey,
Fucking shit!
Fuck! Jesus Christ!
Fuck! Goddammit!
Fuck! Nina!
God!
Uh,,,
I'm gonna call you,
Please don't,
I hear about these set-ups people do for one another,
It doesn't work for me,
The last significant relationship I had,
if you can call it that, was with this guy,
If you can call him that,
Joe,
I got a call from a friend one morning, She's been raped,
That's not the funny part,
That part was real,
So I go with her to the cops,
And it's, you know, not a warm room,
Bunch of old, bloated white guys being like,
"Well, if you don't remember nothing,
how do you know you was raped?"
Woman's intuition,
'Cause my vagina's blown to pieces,
I swear, If men were raped as much as women,
there'd be an automatic death penalty for rapists,
So we gotta go to The Bronx,
And in walks Joe,
Joe, the guy I mentioned,
He's a breath of fresh air at this moment,
and just the kind of asshole I like to ride,
Will you go down on me, Joe?
- What? - Will you go down on me?
Yeah, Fuck, yeah, Of course, I will,
Yeah,
So he drives us to The Bronx, and he's chatty in the car,
and once he knows I'm in the business
he starts talking about films,
He's been an extra for Marty,
he's done comedy, blah, blah, blah,
As we get out of the car,
I kid you not,
just as I'm about to take my friend in for her rape test,
he hands us his headshot,
What do I like about him?
Nothing,
No, I'm with him because I'm a fuck up,
He's a joke,
A walking stereotype, So am I,
What's going on?
At least he's hot,
Fucks me right,
So who cares?
And yes, he hits me, He's a cop, Duh,
I don't mind it,
It keeps me from falling asleep during sex,
Thank you,
Good night,
I'll just be a minute,
Can I help you?
Hey, get back here!
Kids, hold on a second,
At least man up to it, you slut,
Hey!
Hello,
He do that to your face?
'Cause I'm about to punch you,
I just wanted to make sure you knew,
Just wanted to make sure you knew,
Of course, I fucking know, He's my husband,
You think I'm some kind of idiot?
He's my husband, We got two kids,
Well, maybe you can keep your fucking husband in line,
Okay? 'Cause he keeps showing up,
and I can't stop fucking him,
So, please!
Do something about it,
'cause I can't fucking take it anymore,
Then fucking leave,
Maybe I will,
Yeah, good, Go,
Get the hell off my property,
Hey, Nina, You still there?
Yeah, I'm still on hold,
Sorry, I don't have her right now, Can we try you back?
No, I don't want her to call me back,
I want her to get on the phone whenever she's done taking a shit
or whatever it is she's doing,
- You wanna stay on the line? - Yeah,
- Okay, please hold, - Thank you,
Hey, ducky, ducky,
Hey,,,
You guys got agents, too?
Hey, Nina, You're on, Carrie,
Hello? Carrie? Hey,
Nina, please don't be rude to my assistant,
I wasn't taking a shit,
I was on another call, That's what I do, It happens,
Yeah, yeah, I get it, Listen, um,,,
Can I still audition for Comedy Prime?
Oh, my God,
I mean,,,
I guess you can audition,
But Larry is still gonna have to see you do stand-up,
That's what he does, okay?
He hates New York though, He's not gonna go there, He hates it,
Yeah, I'm, um,,,
I'm moving out there,
I'm sorry, what?
I'm moving to LA,
So can you book me shows there or what?
I guess, But I don't know,
Are you gonna show up, or are you just gonna fuck the doorman
like you did last time?
No, I mean, I'm,,,
I'm serious this time,
It's not gonna be easy,
- I know, - It's gonna be lots of hurdles,
Yeah,
You promise me that you're gonna show up?
I,,, I promise,
Okay, Well,,,
I will see what I can do,
Goodbye,
Oh, my goodness, Honey,
I missed you so much,
Oh, my gosh, Is that Nina?
- Oh, hey, Amy, - Oh, Debora, look at that,
Oh, my gosh,
Hi!
I'm Amy, I'm your mother's best friend,
I've lived right over here for years,
Yeah, I know you, Amy,
She hasn't moved there yet,
Oh, everybody's so tan, and they run,
Amy, do you remember we had a conversation
- just about this? - Yes, I do,
Okay, good,
Why don't I bring over some wine? What do you prefer?
Amy, bring the wine over after Nina's gone,
You've got her for a little while, Treasure her,
Mom,
Mom, Mom, I'm hungry,
- Good, Mom, - Oh, John,
You looking for some food?
You are so sweet,
It's yummy, so there's no leftover, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry!
Hi, Mom, hi,
I'm here, I came to visit you,
I'm so glad you're here,
So what do you think, Mom?
You're gonna come visit me in LA?
I think you are gonna have a great life out there,
It is gonna be so fantastic,
I put a little something together for you,
for your trip to LA,
It's a list,
Of plumbers,
You know, just in case you need one
where you're staying if there's no hot water,
It's always good to know,
It's from Angie's list, so they're very,,, They're reputable,
So they're good, They're reputable,
Yeah, thank you,
I know what I wanted to talk to you about,
I know you're not gonna lie this, but,
Amy's parents, they live in LA,
You know, they're from New Jersey,
They're also Jewish,
They will take care of you,
I'm staying at my agent's friend's house,
So I'm fine,
Nina, this means it's gonna happen,
You are gonna be on Comedy Prime,
This is so exciting!
They have got to hire you, You are so fanta,,,
Do you want me to call them for you? 'Cause I will,
Yeah, Mom, Give 'em a call,
Call 'em up,
You should be on that show,
Blue skies, muted gold,,,
0,6 miles,
Continue straight,
It's huge,
Turn left,
Right,
Turn right,
You have reached your destination,
You must be Nina,
Carrie told me you were coming,
I'm Lake, My pronouns are she/her,
Sorry, I'm Mexican, and we don't do the hand thing,
We kiss,
Come here,
Oh!
Come in, I'm gonna show you the house,
Come,
This place is beautiful,
Thank you,
It's built around that tree there and the rocks,
As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to live here,
I used to live on the west side, but it was too wavy,
I need trees around me,
Hills, roots,
I'm water based, so I need the balance,
I'm whiskey based, so that's more my thing,
I feel your energy tired,
Well, I am tired,
So it makes sense that my energy would be,
What are you doing?
Reiki,
It's so good that you're here,
Come, Nina,
- This is gonna be your room, - Oh, wow,
- If you like it, - It's fantastic,
This is gonna be great,
Our fears are gonna sink,
It's gonna be really good,
I love Carrie, Don't you love her?
Yeah, Well, I mean, sometimes more than others,
She read my first book when it was just a manuscript,
I mean, into the cherry blossom cycle,
- Oh, so you're a writer? - Yeah,
Yeah, yeah, My 12th book is coming out next week,
You're into,,, Is it Prime,,,
Comedy Prime, right?
I'm just auditioning,
I gotta come up with material and stuff, so,,,
That's so retro,
Hey, I just wanna say thank you
for putting me up and everything,
It's really, really cool, Thank you,
Of course, Not a problem,
But I do have to ask you a favor,
I'm organizing this fundraiser thing tonight,
and my girlfriend is not in town,
Can you help me set it up?
Oh, um, I,,,
You know, I gotta shave, I gotta wax and,,,
I should probably,
You wax?
You don't?
No,
Come everyone, Sit down,
Welcome, children,
Thank you for honoring yourself
by coming here tonight,
My name is Geronimo, but you can call me Smoky,
What is this, now?
The circle of truth,
Thank you for donating your time
and your material possessions
to our Topanga Cat Sanctuary,
Cat?
Stay open,
Now, I'd like to begin
by going around the circle
and stating one instance in which
you saw something you shouldn't have seen,
This one time, I saw my girlfriend
shoot up heroin,
and I didn't stop her,
Thank you,
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not doing this,
No, no, no,
Okay, look, This isn't for everybody,
All right? I don't need to sit in a circle to own my truth,
I own my truth already,
It's right in here, just giving me heartburn,
That's beautiful, Nina,
In my 20s, I got into a horrible argument with my mother,
I called her a worthless bitch,
She died the next day,
And I've never forgiven myself,
Thank you, Fred,
Um, but the exercise was
one thing you shouldn't have seen,
Oh,
I saw my father hit my mother,
Thank you,
No, No,
No fucking way, Sorry,
Nina,,,
Yeah,,,
Lake, some birds weren't meant to be caged,
but we should still thank them for their presence,
It just feels like people get off on it,
Sharing all this personal stuff and then just
moving on,
I'd love to see your stand-up,
Okay, Okay,
I hear you,
I'm truthful on stage, but I'm not,,,
I saw my father hit my mother, too, when I was a kid, Lake,
- I'm sorry, - Don't,,,
See? No, don't do that,
Don't feel sorry for me,
- Okay? - Okay, okay,
You just sound like you want to have control over,,,
,,,everything,
Yeah, that's what art is,
You know, you create something so that
it has the effect that you want it to have on others,
Um,,,
No,
You can't control every reaction,
You don't know exactly how people feel,
No, I know if people are laughing, or if my joke bombed,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry to bother you,
It didn't bother me, okay? It didn't,
It made me sad,
Oh, it affected you,
What is it?
Cordyceps, reishi and maca,
Is it alive?
It's a super endocrine,
Want some?
You know you're still gonna die, right?
Try it,
What, what, what? What?
It's a mouse,
I have mouse-phobia,
If I move, will it kill me?
No,
It's just a tiny rodent,
- Don't make fun of me, - No, no, no, I'm not,
I respect phobias, Okay?
All right? Here's what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna open the door,
gonna let the mouse out,
Come on,
It's gone,
I don't know what the fuck you're saying,
but I'm sensing your energy,,,
,,,tells me you may have shit your pants,
Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Nina,
No problem,
Dating, dating, dating,
dating, dating,,,
Oh, my God, It's so boring,
It's such a boring thing to talk about,
Like, how many comics have forged careers
just talking about dating?
I guess that's what's expected of me,
like, as a girl comic,
You wanna hear about all the embarrassing stories,
Like that time I had spinach in my teeth,
or my dress got stuck in my underwear,
my tampon fell out mid-kiss,
or he was the Zodiac Killer,
And I had spinach in my teeth, Like, how embarrassing,
Let's get it out of the way, I don't date,
I don't, I fuck,
Because I don't get it,
I mean, this whole idea that you gotta go out to dinner,
and let a guy stare into your eyes
and ask you what your favorite color is,
For what?
If it works out, you're gonna have plenty of miserable fucking years to find out,
Right?
Here's what really matters,
What really matters is that the guy lights you on fire,
Like, look, when he walks into a room,
does he make your labia throb,
and your asshole tighten?
You know, do you feel it?
Does he know his way around?
Is what I'm saying,
'Cause that's what's gonna matter,
Eight years down the line, when you've heard all his stupid jokes,
what's gonna matter
is if he can go down on you
and make you come before the kids wake up,
It's never really worked for me, the whole dating thing,
And I've tried,
Like, when I was younger there was the wine and paint instructor
who finger banged me to Jackass,
while his roommate slept,
Which was a really romantic evening,
But if he had trimmed his nails,
you know, maybe it would have lasted a little longer,
And another guy, he saved dolphins for a living
and he was just like a,,, a beautiful human being,
But he gagged when he smelled my pussy,
Actually gagged,
Like, you work with fish all fucking day,
Go fuck a dolphin, I'm out,
I went on a date recently with this guy
who right at the top of the date
he was like, "Jenny, you should know
I'm getting millions of bitcoins right now,"
And it's like, you can just tell me you're gonna try to choke me in bed,
Be straightforward so I can,,,
Hey, can I get a Jack and ginger?
Uh, yeah, You're a comic, right?
- Yeah, - Yeah, cool,
So, actually we don't give free liquor to the comics,
We just do beers,
That's kind of shitty, right?
I'm not actually a bartender,
I'm an improv actor,
So, did you miss your improv set
with Bob Saget and Dave Coulier?
Is that supposed to be funny?
It's actually making me kind of horny how funny you are,
Fuck off, dude,
All right, You can put your claws away there, Wolverine,
I'm tired, I'm new here,
Would you just give me a fucking break
and let me pay for a fucking drink?
It's just like you're really aggressive,
I'm a little acerbic,
I'll get you a drink, I'll get you a drink,
Yes, sir,
What are you having?
Oh, now that he comes up you're gonna get,,,
What would you like?
What do you want?
Um, I'm trying to get a Jack and ginger,
Can we have a Jack and ginger, please?
Absolutely,
Thank you, Thank you so much,
Yeah, of course, it's a sexist thing, right?
Yeah,
- Enjoy, - Thanks,
Relax, man,
Cheers,
- Hi, - Hi,
So, um, you're not working, are you?
You mean, like a cop?
I hope not, Jesus,
No, I mean like a comic, You don't have that vibe,
Oh, What vibe is that?
Mmm, Desperate?
And usually pudgy,
You're hot,
Extremely rare for a comic,
So what? You just hang out in clubs and pick up comedians? Is that what you do?
Actually this is the first time I've ever been to a comedy club,
It's cool, Really cool,
And you were,,, You were great,
No,
I'm not gonna fuck you, okay? I'm not,
I'm sorry, I realize it's a mixed message,
'cause I was just complimenting you, but, like,,,
It's not what I do,
I mean, guys come up to me all the time after sets,
'cause I'm frank and I talk about sex,
And it's easy to think I'm into casual sex,
or a freak in bed or whatever, but I'm not,
Not the casual sex part,
Like, I can be freaky,,,
- Yeah, - Whatever, I'm just telling,,,
- I'm putting it out there, - You know, you sound like you do on stage,
Either you're not being honest up there,
or you're not being honest now,
But you are freaky sometimes,
So what's the truth? Like, what's the real you?
I'm,,,
I'm confused,
Tell you what, We can figure it out over dinner,
Great,
You still don't believe me,
You don't be,,, I'm telling you,
I do, I'm asking you to dinner, not fucking,
So, what? You're telling me you're one of those people
that has to like somebody before you sleep with them?
Is that it?
I mean, I have to like something about someone,
Something,,, like ass?
I mean, ass is good,
Nothing the matter with the ass,
But I mean, you have to have more than that, you know,
But I'm saying, let's just take it one step at a time,
Have a drink, talk,
Hi, I'm Rafe,
And I'll have some wine brought over, on the house,
- Appreciate that, - Enjoy,
Impressive,
Not what you expected?
Well, I admit, most guys who come up to me after a show
just offer to buy me a slice, so,,,
Ah, now, you deserve better than that,
Okay, who are you?
Am I supposed to know? Are you some sort of,,,
Are you like a motivational speaker or something?
I'm a contractor,
I'm no longer married,
I was, but she broke my heart,
But I'm over it,
- What's your last name? - Hines,
What? Yeah, you wanna make sure I don't have a record,
Yeah, Yeah,
But I do that with every guy,
- It's not,,, - Oh, hundreds of us?
God,
Well, this is going well already,
- You nervous? - A little bit, yeah,
Why?
The last time I liked a guy, I turned out to be really wrong,
Well, how long ago was that?
Three weeks,
Oh,
I get it, I'm not special,
It's okay, I can handle it,
I knew I wasn't that special
the day my dad walked out on me,
Is that a joke, or,,,
No, I'm just reassuring you that I already know
that I'm not special,
What is,,, Have I entered another dimension?
Is this how guys in LA are?
No, I'm just trying to be honest, We're being honest,
I don't think you're really over her,
You're too quick to say you're over her,
No, I am,
Ah!
You at home now, huh?
I'm feeling a little bit better,
Yeah, yeah, I see,
I think we need some water,
What, am I acting drunk already?
No, you're holding your liquor well,
We need some water,
Okay,
I'm gonna get that table,
You do that,
Get that, Yes, get that,
Get that,
Can we have some water, please?
Can you start a tab for me?
Thanks,
Thanks, Hmm,
Girls I know don't have the balls to talk like you,
Let alone on stage,
I like that,
I mean, it's scary, but you're not familiar to me,
I can't tell if that's good or bad,
It's good,
What were the other girls like?
Ah, they were clingers,
Tight, yeah,
- Tight? - Tight,
Oh, that's good,
I mean, in certain instances, yeah, it's good,
You know, you have sex with them and they move in the next day,
Is that good or bad?
Bad,
- Bad? - Yeah,
We don't like that,
No, Moving in the next day?
That's bad,
So, is this it for you?
Like stand-up, single,,,
Do you wanna get married or have children, or any of that?
Um,,,
I mean, stand-up is tough to sustain, you know,
But a big part of me wants to be 80 and still going on stage,
No pants on, just like,
"How is everybody doing tonight?"
Dentures fall out, I don't even care,
- I love that, - Yeah?
But, yeah, No, I want kids,
I want my own show, I want,,,
,,,a husband who goes down on me regularly,
I guess that's too much,,,
What's up?
Yo, what,,,
- What's up, Ganja? - Hi,
How you,,, How you doing?
It's a long time,
I was, um,,, We,,,
Dope,
Hi, I'm Ganja,
Hi, Nina,
Hi,
It was,,, It was good seeing you,
No, no, no, Wait a minute,
As far as I'm concerned,
there's still something going on between us,
You know what? I'm gonna let you two talk,
No, no, You should hear this,
Woman to woman,
Well, you know what? I guess was thinking,,,
I was thinking that,,,
I don't actually think there's anything going on between us,
Oh, really?
Was there something going on between us
when I was riding you for 48 hours?
Was there?
Yeah, that's what I thought,
I called you,
I called you and I called you,
I was worried,
I thought he was dead,
Is it me? You said you liked my thighs,
Did you hate my thighs?
It was all in my head,
But, no, Now I know you're a fucking ghoster,
Look, let me say this, You're right,
I'm sorry,
I turned down a date with Joaquin Phoenix for you,
I should have called you,
I apologize, It's my fault,
Whatever, dude,
You're old, You should know better,
And now you know,
When it's over, he'll ghost you,
- Listen, I,,, - Such finality,
You know who's not a ghoster?
Joaquin Phoenix,
He's a good actor,
- Wow, - Hi,
Joaquin?
Yes, Ganja,
You know, it's, um,,,
It's not every day you get to witness
the beginning and the end of a relationship in one night,
Come on, Look, she wanted to have a baby with me
- on the second date, - Mmm,
Like make the child that night,
Was that before or after you were all up in her thighs?
- Well,,, - Come on, man,
This is the first night, and I get this shit?
Like, how many Ganjas are there?
Or did you ghost your wife, too?
Oh, shit,
Shit!
Nina, Look, Nina,
Seriously, I know this is the type of thing they warn you about on Jezebel,
But I promise,
I won't do this to you, I promise,
And if you do?
I go to work and I can hear people talking about me,
Talking about the smell,
In the beginning they would wonder where it came from,
and couldn't possibly imagine that it was a human smell,
But it was me, It was my smell,
Hello?
Hey, Nina, It's Carrie, Good news,
You got the audition for Comedy Prime,
Really?
I get to audition?
Mmm-hmm, Yeah,
Yeah, you do, But, listen,
Don't be mad,
What?
They're changing things up over at Comedy Prime,
so it's not just you that's auditioning,
What do you mean?
There's gonna be a lot of other comedians who are auditioning, too,
What, like a bake-off?
Mmm-hmm, Exactly, Like a female bake-off,
Oh, like a fake-off,
They know it's a sausage fest over there,
so they're gonna give one lucky lady their own one hour special,
That's great, I love being judged on my gender,
Do we really wanna do that? I mean,,,
Are they pitting us against each other?
That's not cool, right?
Yeah, it's really gross, And I don't care,
Isn't this what you've always wanted?
I mean, I can give it to someone else,
Three impersonations, Got it?
You know, I gotta go,
I'll talk to you later, Goodbye,
Okay,
This is Cher talking to you right now,
and I want you to know that I believe in you,
Is Cher southern?
Am I turning Cher southern?
I believe in you, Nina, Oh, shit,
Brendan Fraser at the Oscars a few years ago,
♪ Eddie Vedder From Pearl Jam ♪
♪ Eddie Vedder Sings like this ♪
♪ Or Scott Stapp From Creed ♪
♪ Sings like this
♪ It's the same voice Basically ♪
Nina,,, Nina!
You got a great ass!
Sia,
Hello?
♪ I'm so happy all the time I'm Shakira ♪
♪ Shakira
Nina,,, Nina, this is Celine Dion,
I love you very much,, Nina,
♪ I love you
♪ Nina, I love you
♪ I'm Celine Dion And I love you ♪
I'm Celine Dion,
You can do it,
Hey, what's up?
Hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm getting into
stalker territory,
and I don't like that, so,,,
I just didn't want you to think that,,,
that I ghosted my wife, 'cause I didn't,
She actually, uh, left me for one of my friends,
Then I ghosted her,
I mean, what else could I do then?
Anyway, I know this is a lot of information,
I would love to see you,
I want you to come by if you would like to,
and we can hang out and I'll make you dinner,
Hope things are well, Talk soon,
Bye bye,
- Hey, - Can I help you?
Oh, very funny,
I was just kidding, Just kidding,
I brought this, 'cause I know you like red wine, so,,,
That's really nice of you, Come on in,
Welcome,
So this is a nice house,
It's not really what I was expecting
when you said you were a contractor,
I've been here for, like, over 15 years,
You were in the Marines?
Semper Fi, baby,
Don't worry, I'm anti-war now,
Oh, God, That's a relief,
So, sobriety chip and a full bar, Wow,
I see I'm on the hot seat already,
Oh, yeah, You've been on the hot seat ever since I found out
you dated a Euro trash model half your age whose name is weed,
But you're still here,
God, I must be more fucked up than I realized,
Cheers,
So, this is what you do, I guess, huh?
You just charm women into your beautiful lair,
- Uh,,, - Oh, yeah,
Yeah, no, I can still smell her pussy juice,
Oh, my,,, Okay,
Oh, come on, Let's do it,
Look, you know what? Have a seat, Let's get at it, 'cause,,,
What, already?
Yeah, Well, I mean, clearly it's bothering you,
I mean, you said we're not gonna fuck,
So let's just get drunk, talk it out,
and have a good time,
Wow, What a guy, Okay,
Okay, Ganja, You're always talking about Ganja,
First of all, she's not a model,
Oh, well, that changes everything,
She does have amazing thighs,
What the fuck?
Not even those amazing thighs are worth her blabbering fucking mouth,
Do you like my thighs,
or do you hate my thighs?
I know I might sound sexist,
I'm not saying I want my women pretty and quiet,
You're here,
- Wow, - So,,,
That didn't sound right, Okay,
You are amazing,
You know it,
But I'm just telling you the truth about Ganja,
I'm a 40-year-old man,
I shouldn't be with 20-year-olds,
I know that,
Now,
What? What are you thinking?
A big part of me just wants to leave,
Okay?
But I also kind of can't stop staring,
Like a car crash,
Yeah, Yeah, like a car crash,
- Is it Ganja? - No,
I mean, this is great and all, but,
didn't you say you were gonna make me dinner?
Did I say make you dinner?
- Yeah, - Because I meant order,
Yeah, I was impressed,
Mmm,,, not so much,
But I actually do cook,
- Really? - Yeah,
I make flautas,
Even more insulting then, God,
I mean, I would have made flautas,
but it would have been too much,
Really?
Come on, I can't just make you flautas the first time,
Like, it's too much, No woman can handle it,
Not even you,
Did you make flautas for Ganja?
Ugh!
Unbelievable!
I'm leaving,
You keep being honest, What the fuck is the matter with you?
I think it's because I know we're not gonna fuck tonight,
It's liberating,
Yeah, it is, It is liberating,
Yeah, Let's eat,
Okay,
What about you?
Any Ganja equivalence in your life?
Hey, where'd you go?
I, um,,,
I don't usually date, so I've never really,,,
Never really done this before,
Never?
I usually just fuck the wrong guy and move on,
How old are you?
I told you, I'm 40,
Two, I'm 42,
Okay, Well, I'm 30,
Three, I'm 33,
Jesus,
And you never been with anyone?
How many,,, How many women have you been with?
No, no, Let me guess,
You probably lived with a bunch of them,
Three,
Not at the same time,
How was that?
Great,
Till it wasn't,
Intimacy issues, I get it,
Daddy stuff?
Yeah,
Yeah, I told you about mine,
My dad left,
Yeah, you said that, Yeah,
Mine, um,,, Mine committed suicide,
Damn,
Suicide trumps abandonment,
- Does it? - Yeah, definitely,
I don't know, It's just, um,,,
It's the relationship part that I can't do,
Makes me nervous, I don't know what to do,
So I just don't do it,
Ah, you don't have to do anything,
Don't do nothing,
Ah, I invited you in,
and I said, "Welcome,
Welcome, Nina,"
You did say that,
Not that long ago,
Why are you reminiscing?
No, I know, But that's a great time,
Right?
Any other things you wanna share?
Time's almost up,
Is it?
Wait, is that you?
That wasn't even supposed to be there,
Oh, Oh, oh,
Actually, I'm done entertaining,
I'm done embarrassing myself,
No, don't stop, Come on, No,
Come on, I'm loving the band,,,
I love it, You're so old,
At least I don't smell old,
It's true, You smell young and fresh,
So what,,, What happened?
What happened with that? The band? I mean, that was amazing,
Ah, the usual,
We fought, and our drummer died of a drug overdose,
And then, the 90s ended,
- Right, - It was over,
- I want it back, - I know,
Watch how quick I am,
Well, I'm quicker,
I fear a little fear in,,,
- Mmm, No, - Yeah,
Ah!
I think we're doing a great job with not having sex,
Yeah, I think we are,
Is this when you would usually,,,
put the moves on?
- Moves? - Mm-hmm,
What am I, a slow loris?
It's been hours, Nina,
I guess you don't really know how it goes,
We could have done it like five times by now,
- Five times? Wow, - Wow,
Hold on,
I thought you were the one that said
you fuck guys like you write home about,
So, this can't be it,
playing slapsies at 3:00 A,M,
That can't be your moves,
'Cause it seems like this is your move,
Is this your move?
- Slapsies, - Yeah, slapsies,
Freaking at 3:00 A,M,
That turns you on?
Slapsies, huh?
No, no, Hold on,
No, hold on,
We can't do this,
If we do this, I'll be just another guy that you fucked
and move on from,
And that's not what I want,
I like you too much for that,
No one's ever turned me down before,
Let's go to your bedroom,
Hey, don't fuck with me,
I won't,
Don't,
Let me take care of you,
Let me be your man,
Rise and shine, sleepy head,
I'm sorry to wake you, but I have to go to work,
And I don't want you to think this is a hit and run,
What,,, What time is it?
6:00,
I have a meeting with a client in Venice,
Where'd you sleep?
Right here in the bed with you,
- That's sweet, - You snore,
- I do? - Yeah,
Loud,
Sounded like a dying buffalo,
That's a beautiful sound, Yeah,
Well, I guess it's nice for you, you were asleep,
- You okay? - Yeah,
Yeah, I'm just hungover,
All right, Well, I'll get in touch with you later,
Sandy, right?
Wait, what's your name again?
I'm just playing,
- I get it, - Okay, okay,
Well, here, I brought you a shirt,
You can stay as long as you want,
- Thanks, - Yeah,
There's snacks upstairs, too,
I have some cereal here,
And some fruit,
All healthy shit,
Breathe,
You've reached the office of Dr, Joan Streisand,
Please leave your message and I will get back to you
- as soon as I can, - That's,,,
Dr, Streisand, pick up the phone,
Pick up the fucking phone, please,
Please pick up the fucking,,,
Please,
Will you call me back?
Call me back, okay?
Okay, please call me,
Okay,
Okay, okay,
Oh, no,,,
I thought you turned it off?
I thought you did,
It doesn't work unless we do it for 15 minutes straight,
- I met somebody, - Okay,
Who is he, and what happened?
I never had sex like this before,
I never, It was so,,,
,,,intimate,
He's funny and sexy, and,,,
It's just the right amount of screwed up,
Oh, he fucks like a God, Oh,,,
Please,
If I wasn't having a panic attack right now,
my pussy would still be throbbing,
That all sounds very nice,
I mean, not every guy out there knows how to do that,
Yeah,
Yeah, I think I might be really starting to like him,
That's great,
What if I fuck it up?
Why will you do that?
I'm trying really hard to be honest with him,
So it's scary,
Honey, that's what relationships are all about,
Right?
It's good that you feel that way,
That means that you care about him,
You know what, Nina? Why don't you come home?
I'm gonna cook Mexican,
Shit, So goofy,
Thank you for dinner, guys, That was so good,
Stuffed,
Paula!
How many times
do I need to tell you not to leave the sponge
in the bottom of the sink?
Yeah, I know,
No, no,
No "yeah, yeah" me, huh,
- Are you serious? - Yeah,
- Let's do this, - Okay,
I've asked you
to leave the sponge outside the sink
so I don't need to move all the dishes on top of it
only to get to it,
And when you ignore a request of mine,
I feel,,,
,,,diminished,
And rage,
This right here is rage,
I hear you,
And I can understand why you would feel that way,
But I want you to understand
that when I leave the sponge at the bottom of the sink,
and put plates on top of it,
I'm not doing it on purpose just to piss you off,
It's just what I do,
I understand that,
But that's exactly what pisses me off,
That you're not thinking about me when you do that,
Okay, Um, what if we got one of those sponge holders?
That way, maybe if I could see it,
it would help remind me
to not put it inside of the sink,
That's actually a great idea,
I mean, it's better than having the sponge all around,
I feel that way also,
and I'm glad that we agree,
Now, would you like me to get it?
Well, if you don't mind,
I don't mind,
- Okay, - Okay,
Thanks for listening,
You're welcome,
I love you, Pau,
I love you,
Yeah, we want our men to be sensitive,
To hold us when we cry,
To tell us we look beautiful even when we're waxing our mustache,
Help us hide the body of the dude we just shot,
No, fuck him, he wouldn't turn the Packers game off,
Right, ladies? Ha!
No, we want our men to cry,
You know, to have feelings,
And then be able to express those feelings,
Most of them even get to the first step,
It's like, "Talk to me, boo,
Tell me what you're feeling,"
And then, if somebody comes at us with a machete,
we want our emotionally intelligent man to just like fucking,,,
Fuck! Don't you fucking move!
And then just be like, "I read your horoscope, babe,"
I see you,
I'm your ally, Mercury is in retrogade,
It's our fucking time to get out fucking fantasies out there,
Right, ladies? Who's with me?
Are we asking for too much?
We're not asking for too much,
No, I want my men strong and sensitive,
Supportive,
Machine washable,
Steel enforced dick,
Rechargeable,
Refundable,
And quiet,
When I'm with my friends talking shit about him,
- Hey, Nina, - Oh, Pam, Hey,
Hey, you should come to my club,
- Oh, God, Yeah, Um,,, - Awesome,
I'd love to, Yeah, What are you doing here?
I am plucking the hairs on my chiny-chin-chin,
- Nice, - They're blonde, but I know they're there,
So no one can see them,
I'm here filling in for a friend,
But do me a favor and don't tell anyone,
Okay,
But you will come by,
I will, I would love to,
I mean, I'm gonna be here a while, So,,,
I know, Comedy Prime,
How do you know about that?
It was on Chugfeed,
What?
It was like the top female comedians that they're considering,
And you are a female,
I am, too,
You know, isn't it great like how all of a sudden
- they know that we're funny? - I know,
The new species, We've been discovered,
Yeah, Like, my mom was hilarious,
And she's dead now,
She's,,,
- Oh, I don't know about that, - Well,,,
But did you know that I tested for Comedy Prime?
I didn't,,, I didn't know,
- I was really good, - I'm sure you were,
It was decades ago, though,
- No,,, - Yes,
No, seriously, It was decades ago,
All those references are worthless now,
Where's the beef?
I did a whole thing about "where's the,,,"
So, I don't know,
I was,,,
I was good, I was great, I was good,
There's all these women that came before us,
And it's your turn now,
Yo! You're Nina, right?
- Yeah, - I'm Dustin,
- Hi, - Nice to meet you,
You're hilarious, I just saw your set,
- Thanks, - Speaking of,,,
I think I'm kind of your perfect guy,
Why do you say that?
- Well, see that? - Mm-hmm,
- Bar fight, - Oh,
- Strong, - Ouch,
- See that? - Yeah,
Rescued a duck in Echo Park,
Oh, that is so sweet,
- Sensitive, right? - Yeah,
Hmm,
- Okay, Um,,, - What's wrong?
Sorry, I don't,,, I don't think it's you, I, uh,,,
I think it's just somebody else,
You wanna talk about it?
That's very sweet,
But, no,
- I'm a good listener, - I'm sure you are,
Thank you,
You sure?
Hey,
Why didn't you call me?
I wanted to see if you would call me,
- Playing games? - No,
I just wanted to see if you were into me,
And if I hadn't called?
I would have called you,
I was gonna call you,
Come here,
It's weird,
You fuck so good, but you don't have that sex addict vibe,
Thanks, I mean, it sounds good, I hope it's good,
What are you doing?
I'm writing down an idea,
Let me hear it,
Just like there should be an app that tells you all your new guys' issues,
- You know? - Oh, great,
Like, this one's a mama's boy, or this asshole never tips,
or this guy's into toe fucking, or whatever,
Who told you about the toe fucking?
Uh, your ex,
Oh, come on, Let it go,
So what's the deal there? You haven't seen her since you split?
You're jealous already?
Well, I have fucked you twice now, so, yeah,
I want to ask you about that,
So you never saw anybody more than once?
Nope,
No one?
So how was work?
Driving me fucking crazy,
It's just all the waiting,
Like, all I do now is just wait for Larry Michaels to call,
or do stand-up, or now fuck you,
Who the fuck is Larry?
Oh, he runs Comedy Prime,
I'm sorry, I like the fucking you part,
I bet you do,
Read this,
Give me a kiss,
This is,,, This dude is dumb,
Really,
Actually, you're not that smart,
But, I mean, what is he talking about,
he wouldn't take you home to mama?
I would take you home to mama,
Everybody would want to take you home to mama,
This guy, he's a goofy,
It's my agent,
Hello?
Really?
Oh, fucking finally! Where?
Okay, thank you,
- Shit! - What?
I have to go, I gotta get my stuff,
Look, look, look, Hey, Nina, you have time, It's okay,
- Relax, Breathe, - Okay,
Just a quick announcement before I go,
If you sat on any of the stools in this pub,
you do now have HPV, I hope that's cool,
My name is Jamie Lactus, Have a good night,
Hey, what's up, guys? Thank you for showing up,
You guys all look beautiful,,,
Where is he, Larry?
I imagine he's out there,
Yeah, like fucking herpes,
I gotta take a shit,
What's that smell? Oh, Maria!
- I'm sorry, - Oh, God,
You guys, uh,
seem nervous,
Oh, you look real cool,
- Yeah, I'm cool, - Are you?
Actually, yes,
All right, Real defensive,
I wonder if we can tell the audience that we're doing characters,
Otherwise they're gonna be like super fucking confused,
I know,
Yolanda Oliver!
What? No!
I'm supposed to be like fourth,
You go,
Yolanda, just go,
Don't fuck it up,
Go, go,
I'm gonna fuck it up,
Unbelievable, I'm gonna fuck it up now,
This is Chelsea Handler talking to a baby,
Oh, my God, You're so cute,
I'd kiss you, but, I'm afraid you have chlamydia
since you came out of a vagina,
What?
This is Bjork
trapped in an armoire,
Oh, fuck,
♪ I've been stuck inside Of here for so long ♪
♪ And I feel so good
Ha ha ha ha, Yes, it's me, Emma Stone,
I know what you're thinking, "She's black,"
Yes,
I'm black now,
I really want that Best Picture Oscar,
This next one is Jabba the Slut,
Give me your dick,
Hey, ladies,
You ever, um, find yourself at your guy's house
and you're like, "Ah, I gotta take a shit,"
But you try to hide it?
Hey, fellas,
You ever find yourself at your lady's house
and you're like, "Oh, I gotta take a shit,"
And so you're like,,,
And you just take a damn shit,
Why is she doing stand-up?
She's supposed to do characters,
She has to take a shit,
Oh, fuck,
Oh, no,
I'm not getting on stage next,
Hello,
Hello, I am Nina,
And this is Bijork ordering a smoothie,
I would like the memory of my first Christmas,
and also the underbelly of a fairy,
with the sweat of a newborn deer,
And on top, millions and millions of urban electrons,
Okay, Um, I'll take Kristen Stewart's order,
Um,,,
I'm sorry, What do people,,,
What do people order here?
I don't know, I don't like being famous,
I don't like,,,
I don't like being like a celebrity,
I don't like going out, I just don't,,,
Could you not like look at me maybe? I don't,,,
Shelley Duvall from The Shining,
Please!
Just please take this smoothie for me, please,
Okay, Is that Werner Herzog?
I would like a neurotical smoothie
which is a representation
of the deepest parts of my soul,
It should have almond milk,
chaos,
fornication,
wheatgrass,
insanity,
coconips,
It should not have dairy,
It would be like a serpent screaming
throughout my inner intestines,
♪ Goji berries Some bananas ♪
♪ Add some M protein Throw in them mangoes Spirulina ♪
♪ Smoothie for Shakira
Thank you,
It's okay,
I'm sure they didn't really notice,
Did it get in your pussy?
Yeah,
Oh, girl!
You gotta see a gynecologist,
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Ugh! - I'm sorry,
Oh, my God, I can't believe we both did Bjork,
Yeah,
Why don't you drink that puke?
- No! - Yeah,
Should I drink it?
Why did you get a car?
Does anybody walk?
No, it's LA,
We don't walk, Are you kidding?
It's probably not that safe,
Honeless people are like crazier here,
They are, and I think it's because
they don't talk to people often,
You know?
Hello?
What? Really?
Are you sure? 'Cause if I give up my apartment in New York,
there is no going back,
And I will come after you if something goes wrong, I will,
Thank you, Thanks,
You got it?
None of us got calls,
Yeah, yeah, I got it, I'm,,,
Sorry, I'm sorry,
Oh, man!
Good job,
I just wanna,,, Just wanna,,,
throw you against the wall and,,,
I know, I gotta go though,
- Fuck you, - Cool,
I need to go and to be able to support you as well,
Yeah, I'm also,,, I'm gonna leave,
Fuck you,
- No, I'm sorry, - Okay,
- Truly, - Truly, fuck you,
- Yeah, - No, I'm so sorry,
Truly, fuck you,
I can't fucking believe it,
Congrats, A little clap for you,
I'm happy for you on the inside,
The outside looks tense,,,
- I sense it, - But the inside is joyful,
I just need to have a cry,
I'm gonna cry in a bathtub,
Hey,
- Where are you? - At the bar down the street,
I figured you'd need a drink one way or the other,
You figured right,
Well?
I,,,
- ,,,got it, - You got it?
- I got it, - What?
Larry Michaels wants to meet me,
but I got it, I fucking got it,
I fucking got it!
Welcome to the rest of your life,
She's gonna be on Comedy Prime!
She's on Comedy Prime, I gotta watch the show,
Yes, you do, Of course you have to watch,
Can we get fucked up now?
We got drinks right here,
- Oh, it's perfect, - Come on,
We ready?
- Oh, I'm so sorry, - Watch it, bitch,
Don't call me a bitch, you bitch,
You touch me again, you fucking midget,,,
What the fuck is your problem?
Get the fuck off my daughter!
I got her,
Wanna try again? Wanna try again?
Come on, What? What?
Try again,
I gotta get my fucking jacket,
So, what was that?
What was what? Did you not,,,
She fucking bumped into me, Did you not see that?
But it was by mistake, It happens,
You can't just start a fight
and just get up in the face of everybody who accidentally bumps into you,
Hell of a dad though, right?
Wish you'd defended me like that,
Defend you from what?
You started a fight with her for no reason,
What, am I not ladylike enough for you now? Is that it?
You know what? I think you're drunk,
No, I'm not drunk,
- You've been drinking too much, - I'm not,
What, you're just being an asshole?
What?
What is it? I mean,,,
It must be nice, huh?
To look down from your ivory tower,
What are you talking about?
I'm Rafe,
I like nice things,
I make things with my hands,
I'm a California native,
I'm special,
I'm Rafe,
What? What now? Cat got your tongue?
'Cause I can just keep going, you know,
You know, let's take,,, I'm gonna take you home,
What, you wanna fuck through this?
- No, Come on, - The conflict, you know?
- No, Come on, - 'Cause we can,
I know you,,, You might like that,
I don't know,
Bye,
Lake,
What are you doing?
Stream, ocean, brook!
Hello,
Lake,
Lake, Lake, Lake,
What the fuck, Nina?
I was trance writing,
I don't have time for your bullshit right now, okay?
Okay, what's going on?
How do you,,, How,,,
Oh, God,
How does,,, When he,,,
How,,, What do you,,,
Put your shit together, Okay?
I can't, I can't,
You poor thing,
You're in such distress,
Nina, the truth
will set you free,
What if the truth sends you to jail?
What?
Oh, my God,
Nina, did you commit a crime?
No, I didn't,,, Stop, I can't,,,
Look, the truth will set you free,
People say that, but that's,,,
John said that to the Jews, and look where it got us,
I have no idea what we're talking about anymore,
All I can tell you is that Rafe is a solid dude,
You just have to tell him whatever the fuck is bothering you,
Woman the fuck up, Nina,
Tell the truth,
The truth, here,
Hi,
How are you?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean any of the things I said about you,
You know that, right?
Well, actually, everything you said was really true,
But it seems you don't like that I'm that way,
I do, I,,,
I really like everything about you,
I just,,, I don't know why I did that,
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,
Let's talk about it later, You have a show,
I didn't think you'd come,
You invited me,
Yeah, I know, But I didn't think you'd show now,
Thank you,
God, you're so fucking solid,
I'm special,
I'm Rafe,
- I'm special, - Ugh!
I'm Rafe,
I'm special,
Oh, hey, What up, Nina?
- Hey, I'm Joe, - What's up, man?
- Yeah, - I'm Rafe,
You guys look good, She looks good, How are you?
What,,, What are you doing here?
I would have told you I was coming, but you fucking blocked me,
I saw your post, I thought you were funny,
She's really funny, isn't she?
Fucking hilarious,
Don't leave, don't leave, No, no, no, Nina,
He's not a good guy, He's a cop, Hey,,,
I left her,
I left her, Nina, I left her for you,
Don't fucking touch me,
I left her just like I,,, Nina, look at me,
Will you do something? Will you fucking protect me?
Ah, fuck!
Get the fuck off me,
Yeah, you can have her, you fucking bitch,
Fuck!
Rafe,,,
Oh, so this is what you want? You want us fighting over you now?
You want men fighting over you now?
So he's married?
But he just left his wife for you?
That's so nice, Wow!
A married cop?
That's great, Nina,
Does he have kids?
You know what? Don't tell me,
I bet he chokes black people for fun, too, huh?
- It's over, - It is?
He's here,
He left his wife for you,
You said you didn't have relationships,
No snappy comeback now? What?
What, you're just gonna go on stage and act like
you're the strong, independent woman
that always gets what she wants?
The fuck out of here,
Nina?
Nina Geld?
Oh, my gosh! It's Amy,
- Amy, I am your mother's best friend and neighbor, - Oh, God, Yeah,
- Yeah, Hi, - Oh, I'm here visiting my parents,
I saw that you were acting here,
so I thought, why don't I just go see what Deb's kid does,
So, um,,, You okay?
Yeah,
Well, the reason why I ask is,
'cause, to be honest with you, I've, um,,,
seen some of the clips
that you've been putting on the Internet,
There's so much anger in you,
I don't know why,
I mean, life is beautiful,
Don't you know that?
Yeah, it's not beautiful for everybody, Amy,
It's just not,
Nina!
Congratulations on the job, girl!
Is it just me, or are there more people here tonight than usual?
Oh, yeah, yeah, There are,
Word gets around fast,
Plus, I sent out a mass email,
'Cause this is great for me, I need this,
You know, you're a name now,
All these people are here to see you,
Okay?
So, it's no pressure, but there really is,
Kind of a lot of pressure on you to do great,
It's gonna be great, It's gonna be great,
You guys ready for our next act?
Give it up real big for Nina Geld,
Hello,
Hello, Wow,
That's a lot of,,,
Lot of people here tonight, Um,,,
More than usual, I'm a little bit,,,
I think I'm a little nervous here,
I had to build my confidence up,
You know, I wish I had the confidence of, like,
any guy walking into a guitar center,
Just like any guy,
Just the pure, unearned self-assurance
that you feel,
You know, I was gonna do,,, I had a whole bit about, like
periods and shitting liquid, and all this stuff,
But there's something that just been bothering me,
and I think I'm gonna,,,
Um, I'm trying to be more truthful in my life, So,,,
Oh, Thanks, Thank you,
So, what's that they say? They say the truth will set you free, right? Yeah?
So I'm just gonna,,,
I'm just gonna share it with you,
Hope,,, Hope for that,
I've been reading a lot of stuff about myself recently,
People seem to think I'm negative,
Yeah, I know, Negative, Huh!
Polarizing,
Angry,
Not the type of girl you'd want to bring home,
Hmm,
Well, guess what,
I don't wanna fucking go home with you,
Okay?
I recently ran into this woman
who, um, I lived next door to since I was a kid,
She was like, "Nina,,,
Why are you so angry?
I follow you on the computer and it's really sad,"
First of all,
fuck you, Amy,
Fuck you, Why are you following me?
You love Nicholas Sparks,
You have no business reading my shit, you cunt,
And just because I grew up next door to you,
and I smiled every time you recapped Days of our Lives
doesn't mean you're gonna like my social media posts now, okay?
And also, I find it pretty amusing
when people tell me to cheer up,
Because considering the shit I've been through,
I'm pretty fucking cheery,
People are like, "Oh, you're such a man-hater,
God, you're always picking on men," Yeah,
Oh, you haven't seen anything yet,
You try being raped by your own father for eight years,
See what that does for your opinion of men,
Yeah,
Eight years of rape will, um,
make anybody a little irritated,
Not just in your vagina, but in your head, too,
The thing fucking Amy doesn't get
is she's lucky I don't turn into the Hulk
every time somebody says hello to me,
When a guy asks for my number,
my immediate instinct is to break a fucking beer bottle over his head,
It takes years
of recovery and therapy, and,,,
,,,frankly drinking,
not to just punch some dude out
who just wanted directions,
Oh, sorry, sir, You said,,,
"Where is Venice Beach?"
I could have sworn you said, "Where is your vagina, bitch?"
I remember this party I went to in college where,,,
they were playing stupid truth or dare games,
The hostess is like, "How did you,,,
How did you lose your virginity?"
None of your fucking business,
You know, only virgins ask this shit,
Or people who lived in a bubble of protection their entire lives,
And yes, I am jealous of them,
I'm jealous of their mothers who come out to visit them,
What I wanted to say was what happened,
How did I lose my virginity?
Face down on the floor,
when I was 12, eyes on my cat, while my father raped me,
Yeah, I know, It's not great party conversation,
but you fucking asked,
But instead I made up a story about
losing my virginity to a boy I used to love,
'Cause that's what I would have liked,
So, yeah, all in all, I think I'm doing pretty well, you know,
I do what I love,
I'm a reasonably good person,
I might even be able to love somebody some day
the way that they deserve it,
Yeah, catch you next time,
Thanks for coming,
This is Rafe, Leave a message,
I hadn't thought about him in so long,
Van Halen one, You were right,
Hey, Bree, How you doing?
Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike!
Look what the cat dragged in,
You, uh, seemed a little,,,
It's really a hug there,
- Oh, I missed you, - Missed me?
I heard you sort of had a bit of a meltdown tonight,
Like really kooky, Talking about fucking your dad or something?
Is that your Tonight Show set you're working out?
Yeah, yeah,
You gotta take some chances,
Slap a guy in the face and laugh,
- Let me kiss you, - Shut up,
I love you, I love you,
- Nina, I'm ready to come, - Good,
Oh, fuck!
Oh, fuck, yes! Oh!
Oh!
How did you lose your virginity?
None of your fucking business,
Shit,
How did I lose my virginity?
Face down on the floor,
when I was 12, eyes on my cat, while my father raped me,
Yeah, I know, It's not great party conversation,
but you fucking asked,
Hi, Mom,
- Hello? - Nina, Oh, my God,
Are you okay? I've been trying you all morning,
Yeah, um,,,
Crazy night,
Yeah, I'm so sorry, honey, I had no idea,
Thanks, Carrie,
Is everything okay? Did I get fired from Comedy Prime?
No, no, no, no,
Hopefully everything will be fine,
What do you mean "hopefully"?
Well, you're trending now, Nina, It's a great thing,
But you need a publicist,
Why?
Because now you're the comedian who was raped,
and that is not gonna go away,
I"ll put you in touch with Bunny,
- Bunny? - Bunny,
She's the best, and she was also a rape victim,
Survivor,
And you shouldn't out her, Carrie,
Okay, Well, Bunny will call you,
And now I have to go handle your career,
Ooh, By the way, do you wanna do an SVU?
No,
Say the word and I'll kick him out, Nina,
Just,,, I'm here for you,
Hmm, Yeah, Thank you,
- Okay, - It's okay,
Mmm-hmm,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I left,
It won't happen anymore,
I believe despite everything,
we're good together,
No, I don't know,
I got you, I got you,
Does the cat make you feel better?
Yeah,
I love you,
You know, it is really nice here,
It is really nice,
Yeah, it's all right,
So, house cats, I thought they'd be bigger,
You're very funny, Nina,
Oh, Hi, Um,,,
So nice to meet you, Thank so much for this opportunity,
We're in here,
Okay,
Now, I usually like to ask people I'm interested in hiring
about their childhood,
What did their parents do, That type of thing,
Eases most people into conversation,
Considering your performance on Friday,
that seems a bit perfunctory,
I'm happy to tell you about my parents, sir,
Oh, call me Larry, please,
I already feel old enough as it is,
Larry, Okay,
We're in a funny place right now,
People think they want reality,
but they really want a curated reality,
A bit of performance, a bit of hope,
You're a very strong performer,
I know you can do wonderful things here at Comedy Prime,
But you've also come out
with this very powerful voice
against abuse,
And I'm wondering if that's all people are gonna see
when they see you,
What do you think?
I think if that information prevents people from enjoying me play Taylor Swift,
then that's on them,
I mean, you've had plenty of people on your show
that have had drinking problems, or drug problems, or,,,
They probably hit women,
Sure, sure,
But people didn't know about it then,
It's a brand new world now,
I feel like I'm being blamed,
No, No,
It makes no difference to me, you see,
It was an awful thing,
I'm glad you got it off your chest,
I, uh, wanted to know how you felt about it,
I hire talented performers,
but also people I know I'm gonna feel comfortable with
when shit hits the fan,
- Hmm? - Right, Yeah,
I gotta think about it, Nina,
Thanks for coming in to see me,
- Hello, - Hey, did you have your baby yet?
Oh, yes, I had her yesterday morning,
She's real cute,
No name yet, but I cannot wait to get to know her,
So how was your interview with Larry Michaels?
I don't know, It felt like I was being interviewed by the patriarchy,
He said he'd have to think about it, so,,,
Not getting it, right?
Ooh, Yeah, that's not good,
You know what? Fuck Larry Micheals and his,,,
Hi,
Where are you right now?
Just saying hi to a friend,
Listen, can you book me?
Will anybody book me? I need to get back on the horse,
- Hey, Nina, - Mm-hmm,
You've got two minutes,
Yo,
That viral video,,,
Shit was dope,
So don't fuck it up tonight,
Thank you, Thanks, Thanks,
Where's you, Charlie?
You should have taken care of me,
You should have looked out for me just a little bit,
I could have been a contender,
Who's the boss? Who's the boss? Who's the boss?
Who's the boss?
Whoa, Los Angeles, Hi, Hi,
Thank you so much for coming to see my follow up rape routine,
رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال