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♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪
[laughs]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Simon,
My name's Simon,
Hey Tex, where you from, Cincinnati?
Hey Tex, where you from? Cincinnati?
How did the punk rocker cross the street?
He stapled a chicken to his head,
Hey, doc,
I got this problem, nobody pays attention to me,
Next, please,
Hey, doc, I got this problem,
I can't make friends, you big fat fucking slob,
Hey!
Grasshopper walks into a bar,
Bartender looks at the grasshopper and says,
"Hey, you know we got a drink named after you?"
Grasshopper says,
"You got a drink named Herman? Ho!"
Hey Tex, where you from, Cincinnati?
So I walk into this bar, and go to the bartender and say,
"Hey, you wanna hear a good Polish joke?"
He goes,,, "I'm Polish,
You see that guy with the big neck?
He's fucking Polish, Still wanna tell that joke?"
I said, "No," He goes, "Why, you're scared?"
"No," "Then why don't you want to tell the joke?"
"I don't want to explain it twice,"
-[clink] -[Sal] Cheers,
[Freddy] Salud,
Whoa, [chuckles]
I get a message, "Sally wants to talk to you,
Do you have time?"
Do I have time? Come on, I always have time for you,
I need you to do me a little favor,
it's about Simon,
It's a big night tonight,
I'd love for you to give Simon a chance,
Just this once, It's a big deal,
[sighs] Sal,
-Simon, the joke thief? -I know, I know,
Well, you know,,,
There's people here who don't exactly love him, you know?
I care about the guy, he's a good guy,
But you're asking a lot,
He tells a good joke,
When he tells them, they're funny,
He's funny,
He's a little funny worm, isn't he?
Yeah, and he steals from the best,
You want me to do a favor for him?
Or you want me to do a favor for you?
It's the same thing, Look, I want--
-Uh, uh, uh! -It's the same thing,
I mean, I want him to be able
to prove to himself that he can do it,
This is national, This is going national!
For me, is this a favor for you?
Yeah, It's a favor for me,
Then it's done, Why do you even ask?
You know, for you, I would do anything,
-Put him on, -I love you, man,
[ringing]
Yeah?
[Seb] Hey, Simon, Hi, it's Seb,
Uh,,, You want something to eat?
[Simon] What do you mean?
What are you, Jenny Craig, you wanna feed me?
[laughs] No, no!
I got a really big room service order
with a really fine, exquisite bottle of wine
going up, you want it?
Yeah, I appreciate it, Yeah, I'll look after you,
You don't have to pay for anything,
Just look in the peephole and it'll be covered,
Okay, Thanks,
[Seb] No problem, Bon appetit, enjoy yourself,
Yep,
Fucking guy! Jenny Craig of all people,
[phone ringing]
-Yes? -Come on down, I need you here,
I'm right here,
Put the tray down, get down here,
I need you right now, okay?
Okay,
Kiss my ass,
Another one,
♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪
♪ Please notice me
♪ And maybe There's something I can be ♪
♪ The night is ticking by So fast ♪
♪ I don't think my courage Is gonna last ♪
♪ You don't know If I'm dead or alive,,, ♪
[William] Amy, honey,
Is my brother in yet?
[Amy] It's a little early for your brother,
You know, I love him,
but you're way too soft on your brother,
If I'm gonna be soft on someone, it's gonna be my brother,
He's the only brother I got,
And I love him,
[Amy sighs]
[funky jazz] ♪ Keep my head up
♪ Please notice me,,,
[phone ringing]
Sí?I mean, yes?
You know, on second thought, don't bother,
It's taken care of,
You don't need me anymore?
Okay,
♪ Please notice me,,,
Nice,
♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪
Where's everything?
-[phone ringing] -[sighs]
Hello?
-Simon, is that you? -[applause]
Yeah,
I'm here at The Basement Comedy Club,
-Yeah? -And then they,,,
They're going national tonight, They want you to do a set,
Tonight?
I just made myself something nice to eat,
-What are they paying? -Two hundred,
-[cheers and applause] -Two hundred bucks?
Did I not say two hundred?
-And how long is this set? -Five minutes,,,
What am I gonna wear?
You know what you're gonna wear,
-[laughter] -Wear what you always wear,
♪ I feel so tangled in my soul
-[Brian] Hey, -Dad, you wanted me?
[Brian] Come on, sit down,
Listen, I want to talk to you,
What did I do now?
You did nothing,
You know you're a great salesman,
Customers love you,
I get a lot of reports, a lot of feedback,
I get lots of feedback,
Your brother, he's a good administrator,
But you, you could sell anything,
Proverbial refrigerator to an Eskimo,
Dad!
I just sold my first car
and I totally grossed the piss out of this idiot,
Yes, he did,
[laughs]
I just got to say, you know, everything's got a shelf life,
Including me,
But I've still got a lot of kick left,
But, you know, I'm moving towards retirement,
I want to spend more time with your mother,
And this business, it belongs to both of you,
And I want you boys to take care of the business,
I want you to keep selling cars,
I want your brother to be the administrator
because he's good at that,
-So he'll be my boss? -You're good at selling cars,
-He's not going to be your boss, -[William] Simon,
I will never be your boss,
But I'll always be your brother,
Simon,
we know what you want,
We know you want to be a comedian,
And you're talented, You're funny,
And I don't want to stand in your way of that,
But you always have to have a fallback plan,
A contingency plan, in case things don't work out,
And this is it,
You can always come back and sell a car,
This business will always be yours,
It'll be yours,,,
and yours,
But he will be running it,
He'll run it, and you'll sell cars,
Dad, you know I love you,
It's your business, you do what you want,
You built this
and I don't want to talk anymore, okay?
-I gotta go, -Simon!
Bro!
Dad, let me go talk to him,
No, No, no,
No, this is not a brother to brother thing,
this is a,,, father to son thing,
I'm going to talk to him,
[smooth jazz]
[Brian] Got a minute?
-You taking my office now? -[Brian laughs]
Simon! Nobody is going to take your office,
Can I sit down?
-It's your place, -[laughs]
You can sit anywhere you want, dad,
I'm going to clear something up right away,
This is our place,
Simon,,, [sighs]
I know what we talked about in there hurt your feelings,
But listen, son,
You guys don't have any faith or trust in me,
I trust you implicitly,
But somebody has to be the driver,
and you've always loved being the passenger,
And that's what you are,
He's going to drive the business,
You're the passenger,
You're going to sell cars,
and I believe you're going to be successful in your dream,
And that's what I want,
But right now,,,
I want to give you something,
It's so important,
Is that my consolation prize?
This,,,
This is a vest
that my father gave me,
And his father gave him,
It's been handed down
and I think it's a lucky vest,
I can't wear it anymore, you know? But,,,
I want you to have it,
It's going to be a lucky vest for you, Simon,
It's special,
This is the legacy,
And when I'm not around anymore,,,
You're going to think of me when you wear this,
and it's going to bring you a lot of luck,
It's yours, Simon, I love you,
Love you, son,
They're offering you two hundred fucking dollars,
Okay,
I'll be there,
Now! Like now, like five minutes ago,
Okay,
-Okay? Don't be late, -[cheers]
Hey, no, no, Hey, listen, Don't be late,
[uptempo jazz]
♪ I know that you're Out of my league ♪
♪ I just want you to notice me
♪ I've got no cash
-♪ Or fancy car -[phone ringing]
-What the fuck? -[phone ringing]
Hello?
-Simon, -Hey, William,
Hey, are you coming in today, bro?
I'm sorry, No, I'm not coming in,
Got a big break tonight, I'm going to The Comedy Basement
to do a set, and it's going to be televised,
Wow, congratulations! That's good news,
Thank you, I appreciate it,
Can I get a car?
Simon, you know I can't do that,
[clicks tongue]
What the fuck, man? We own a dealership
and you won't give me a car?
Every time we give you a company car, you sell it,
I'll get you a ride, Uber,
Come on, man, I don't want to go in an Uber,
They all fucking smell like curry,
Simon, not every Uber driver is from India,
There are all kinds of guys: Irish, Italian, Chinese guys!
[huffing]
Come on, please,
Tell me when you need the car,
and I'll get it over there,
Twenty minutes,
Done, Hey, I'm proud of you,
You going to come?
Absolutely,
Really?
I'll be there,
-Okay, -I love you,
-I'll see you tonight, bro, -Thanks,
[funky jazz music]
♪ Nothing better in my head
♪ Please notice me
♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪
-♪ Please,,, -[door slams]
[Jerry] Mr, Simon! Welcome!
My brother's a fucking idiot,
I am Jagdish but you can call me Jerry,
How you doing, Jerry?
[Jerry] Easy,
[Jerry grunts]
[Jerry] All buckled in, sir?
I have to put my seatbelt on?
[Jerry] That's the law, sir,
[smooth jazz]
♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪
♪ And here's something That I've been told ♪
♪ Everyone makes So many mistakes ♪
♪ So tell me, honey What it's gonna take ♪
♪ Because sometimes Things change, I know ♪
♪ And sometimes
♪ Things never seem the same
[crescendo]
♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪
♪ Can you just grab my hand
♪ And give me One more opportunity ♪
♪ Because everyone
♪ Has a moment of grace
♪ Save face
[Jerry] How is your day going, sir?
Good,
By the way, do you like my car? It's brand new,
It's nice,
I'm very proud of it,
[Simon] Nice,
It's fast,
Like a tiger!
[Simon] Can you do me a favor, though? Can you slow it down?
Because what I ate for breakfast
is going to come out of my nose and my ass,
Very good, sir,
[soft jazz music]
What is it that you do, sir? What is your profession?
[turning signal]
[sighs heavily]
I'm a,,, I'm a comedian,
[Jerry] You are telling and writing jokes, then?
I tell jokes, I write some jokes,
But I'm a comedian,
So, some people sing,
but they don't necessarily,,,
write all their songs,
[Jerry] I have never met a joke teller before,
It is an honor,
Thank you, I appreciate it,
Is it,,, a good job?
It's,,, I guess you have to be committed,,, to it,
Just, I guess, like you're committed
to the job you do,
I love my job,
I love my job! [laughs]
I hope you love your job, sir,
-[jazz music] -[cheers and applause]
[chuckling]
Huh, That's shit,
[grumbles and chuckles]
[unintelligible mumbling]
Hey, what time is it?
[stage hand] Start going on in ten minutes,
Fuck,
Fucking Simon,
Please, sir, Tell me a joke, I like to laugh,
Okay,
You know why blonde women have bruised belly buttons?
No,
[Simon] Because blonde guys are dumb, too,
I,,, I do not understand,
Because blonde guys are dumb,
They think the belly button is the vagina,
so they're tapping that,
[phone rings]
Excuse me,
Hello?
-Simon, Where are you? -[cheers]
I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way,
[Jerry] Twenty-two minutes, sir,
Thank you for that,
Apparently it's 22 minutes,
Simon, please don't fuck this up, okay?
I'm on my way,
-Simon? Si,,, Fuck, -[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
[sighs]
Is that your,,, best joke, sir?
It's very good, Uh, very good,
But you didn't laugh,
Well, I didn't understand it,
but I am new to this country, and,,,
Can you do me a favor and slow down?
Because I'm going to be fucking sitting
on your spare tire soon, Jerry,
I'm sorry, sir, This is a very fast car,
I'm just learning how to,,,
So maybe you should have bought a,,,
a Hyundai,
Hyundai is a very good car as well, but,,,
this one is fast like a tiger,
[uptempo jazz]
Just relax, Hey, relax,
Just be honest with your brother, he's your brother,
Will you stop it, you're fucking lame,
Alright,
Alright, Ooh!
-Hi, -Hi, How are you?
-Pretty good, -Is my brother busy?
Does it matter?
Even if he was, he's always got time for you,
-Go ahead, -Appreciate it,
-Can I go in? -Yeah, of course,
Look who it is! [chuckles]
-How are you doing, bro? -Hey, bro,
What is that? Come here, you! I love you,
-Good to see you, come in! -You too,
Sally, what's up? Hey, champ, [grunts]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, -Come on,
[William] So,
What can I do for you boys?
[Simon] Well, you know,,,
I'm a little slug,
I'm a little tight, and,,,
for some scratch,
and I was hoping you could give me an advance,
Simon, you know the deal,
We get paid the same every month,
If I blow through my money,
I don't cut myself another check,
So, But you, you can step out on the floor
any time you want,
and make it happen, Listen,
Get out there and sell a car,
I'll give you the commission right now,
Well, thanks for seeing us but I don't want to sell a car,
Do it! Make it happen,
I'm not even dressed, I don't even have a jacket,
I got you,
There we go, Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket,
-Don't make me go sell a car, -Come on, come on,
This is like breathing for you,
You keep my jacket behind your door?
Yeah,
Go get 'em, tiger!
Watch this,
Watch this? What are you talking about?
He's my best friend,
He's going to come back here in two seconds with a contract,
Watch it,
Good afternoon, how are you?
-Good, thanks, How are you? -My name is Simon,
-Hi, Bernard, -Good to meet you, Bernard,
Call me Bernie, I'm just looking around,
Bernie?
I'll just tell you about the car,
because that's my job,
-Sure, -You like the car?
I like it, yeah,
You know, Bernie, I have to tell you something,
When they say they don't make them like they used to,,,
Thank God, because they used to be
-a pile of shit, -[Bernie chuckles]
This is a car, The highest level of technology,
the software synchs up with your phone,
whether it's Apple or Android,
All wheel drive, 2000 CCs,
it's an equal boost engine, it's great on gas,
This is a quick car,
-Yeah, It's nice, -And look at the back seat,
If you want to bang a chick in the back seat,
you ain't going to break a vertebrae,
[laughing] I'm married, but thanks for the info,
Take the wife in the back seat,
-Do you love the car? -I do, yeah,
Can I make a suggestion, Bernie?
-Sure, -Let's go in my office and talk,
-What do you think? -Okay, Simon,
Thanks,
-Bernie, come in please, -Yeah,
-Sit down, buddy, -Thanks,
[Bernie exhales heavily]
Bernie,
I was born into this business,
It's my dad that started this business,
he started as a salesman,
I'm talking to you like a brother,
The car,,, Do you love that car?
I love that car, It's a lovely car,
,,,fits your perfectly,
-A car's got to fit you, buddy, -Yep,
It's got a 2000 CC equal boost engine,
it's good on gas,
It's not a dog,
Because most of these cars that are fuel-efficient
you have to get out and fucking push,
But,,, here's the problem,
If you don't take this car,
and they sell it, it's six, eight, maybe ten weeks,
Almost a whole model year, And I won't go back and forth,
I'm going to give you the best deal possible,
first time,
Make the deal, and then you can pick it up,
I can have it PDI'd
and out of the showroom by tomorrow,
No, not at all,
No, I'm going to have to check with my wife, you know?
I respect that,
Second largest investment of your life is your car,
-Yeah, right, -I'm on your side, Bernie,
And you'll probably try to bang her in the back seat,
like you said,
There's lots of room, Nothing like romance,
This is what I'm going to do,
I want to hold the car for you,
So, there's a little box here where it says remarks,
I'm going to put "Must,,,
ask,,,
-[pen scratching] -wife's,,,
permission,,,
to buy,,,
the car,"
If she gives you the go-ahead, then we take this off,
Give me the fucking paperwork,
Nobody tells me whether I can buy a car or not,
You're a good boy, Bernie,
[jazz music]
[cheering]
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you!
Thank you,
Thank you!
Welcome to The Comedy Basement,
And remember, when you're here, in The Comedy Basement,
there is only one place left to go,
and that is up!
[cheering]
My name is Freddy C,
I am your host and the owner of this beautiful establishment,
-[cheering] -My first guest
is an up-and-comer, he's known all around the area,
we're very honored to have, ladies and gentlemen,
he's no longer driving for NASCAR,
Mr, Jeff Elliott!
[cheers and applause]
[Jeff] Hey, guys, How's it going?
Alright, I'm really starting to feel my age,
I hurt myself sleeping,
[laughter]
Did you know that was a thing you could do?
I was taking a nap,
I woke up, my shoulder was really sore,
Doesn't go away for two weeks,
So I go to the doctor, they take some X-rays,
Ah,,, turns out I tore my rotator cuff,,,
[audience] Aw,
,,,while I was taking a nap!
[laughter]
If you guys are familiar with this injury,
it's usually reserved for professional athletes,
Most specifically, baseball pitchers
tear their rotator cuffs a lot,
I knew I was good at sleeping,
[laughter]
Apparently I'm ready for the big leagues!
I'll say this too, these baseball pitchers
tear their rotator cuffs, they're done,
For a year, they don't play baseball,
I was back in bed sleeping that night,
[laughter and applause]
My next guest is the most famous sock
in the entire world!
Unlike his brother who never quite made it,
He's the sock that's still left out on the highway,
[audience] Ah,,,
Ladies and gentlemen, Ed the Sock!
[cheering]
[Ed] Alright, shut up already!
I don't believe your sincerity,
Thank you very much for that introduction,
I love the goatee, by the way, Very Wesley Snipes,
[laughter]
And thank you for the reference to my brother
who's out on the highway,
I haven't heard that one before, Though, of course, it's better
than the "brother that you jerked off into as a teenager,"
Guys! I'm a sock!
That's my ethnicity, I'm not defined by it,
Let's get past those jokes, okay?
[laughter and applause]
Our next act,,,
We love seeing this man when he comes
and garners our stage,
That Canadian guy,,, Glen Foster!
[cheers and applause]
[Glen] Alright, come on, come on,,,
Here we go, Oh, thank you very much, That's very nice,
I hope I look alright, I, uh,,,
I've reached the age where no matter what I wear,
I just come off looking like a retired cop,
-[laughter] -So,,,
Anyway, I do not need any more stress in my life,
I live with my pre-teen daughter,
-[audience] Oh! -my pre-menopausal wife,
[laughter]
and,,, a previously abused female Australian Shepherd,
-[laughter] -Oh, yeah!
There are days I walk through the door,
it is bitch, bitch, bitch,
[laughter]
But the dog is cute, so,,,
[laughter]
[Simon] I'll give you another joke,
So this guy is in his room, He's in a hospital,
And,,,
the doctor comes in the room, and he says,
"Mr, Smith, I got some good news,
-and some bad news," -[Jerry grunts]
So he says, "Give me the bad news first
and then you can pacify me with the good news,"
Goes, "Well, the bad news is
you got gangrene on both your feet,
we're going to have to cut them off,"
"So what the fuck's the good news?"
"The guy in the other room wants to buy all your shoes,"
Because they wear the same,,, they wear the same size,
And, and then?
Oh, that is it?
I got to check my messages because you're depressing me,
Okay? Anyways,
They're very good jokes, sir, Very good, But, I,,,
-[Simon] Apparently not, -I've never heard them before,
I would love to study your jokes so I understand them,
If you have to study a joke, it's not funny,
[applause]
Now our next act is known all around the world
as your neighborhood kid,
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up
for Jerry Caringi!
[cheers and applause]
[Jerry C,] Yeah! What's going on here? What's going on?
Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you?
Hey, how are you? Good to see you,
Hey! Faccia di polenta! How are you?
How are you, man?
How are you doing, huh?
What a crowd, what a crowd!
-You feeling good? -[audience] Yeah!
Ay!
Faccia di polenta,how are you?
Anyways, um,,, The Godfather,
It's getting serious, He's in his office,
Something is going on,
So he calls in Rocco, "Rocco, get in here!
I gotta ask you a question,"
"Yes, Godfather, Anything,"
"What's five plus five?"
Rocco answers, "Seven,"
[audience chuckles]
Godfather slaps him in the face,
"You're a good boy, You're very smart,
Thank you, Go get Anthony, Send him in here,
Stay outside,"
Anthony comes waltzing in, kind of worried,
Godfather asks Anthony, "Anthony,,,
I'm going to ask you a question, Give me a straight answer,
Are you ready?"
Anthony goes, "Yeah,"
"What's five plus six?"
"Ah, that's easy, It's eleven,"
Pulls out his gun, bang!
[laughter]
Falls to the floor! Ba da dum!
Rocco comes running in, "Godfather! What's going on?
What did you do?"
"He knows too much,"
[audience claps] Oh!
This woman has been known all around the world
for her role on Growing Pains,
She also garnered the cover,
and throughout America is known as a stunning Playmate
in Playboymagazine,
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for,,,
Julie McCollough!
[cheering]
[Julie] How y'all doing?
[cheers and applause]
Thank you so very, very much for having me here,
I've lived all over the United States, y'all,
I've lived in North Carolina, West by God Virginia,
Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, Nevada,
Texas,,, Woo hoo for Texas!
California, and I was born in Hawaii, Woo hoo!
Y'all could tell I was Hawaiian, right?
Blonde hair, Southern accent,,, Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian!
[laughter]
Wahme liki liki makke e ha ole makke hiki ho
-brothers, -[audience] Whoo!
Kahme ana wahini!
[audience] Ooh!
That means absolutely nothing,
[Julie and audience laugh]
-Now, our next guest,,, -[applause]
He can tell jokes, he's funny, he can sing, but please,,,
do not get him to dance up here right now,
[audience chuckles]
Ladies and gentlemen, Constantine Meglis!
[cheers and applause]
[Constantine] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
How are you?
I happen to be six foot nine,
[audience] Ooh!
That's not,,, tall, that's like monster tall,
[laughter]
Okay?
Even when I was a little kid,
My kindergarten picture,,,
I'm five years old, just like the rest of the kids,
I look like I'm the teacher,
[laughter]
[Jerry] Sir, you are too hard on your jokes,
I'm sure people who understand them will find them funny,
I just don't understand them,
Okay,
Are you going to give a show tonight?
Well, I'm,,,
I'm part of a show, because it's a,,,
it's a bunch of comedians, it's like a cavalcade,
and it's being televised on cable,
Oh, my God! That sounds very impressive,
I wish I could attend, [chuckles]
But I must drive my car,
Are you,,, excited, sir?
I wouldn't say,,,
I'm excited, but,,,
I'm probably, I would say, relieved, because if I do good,
this is basically the break I'm looking for,
If I do bad,
I'll be selling cars for the rest of my life,
Oh, my God, So it's a very important event, then,
Yeah, you could say that, Yeah,
I'm wishing you most excellent good luck, sir,
[Simon] Most excellent good luck?
[Jerry] Most excellent good luck,
Well I most excellently appreciate your wishes,
And I hope they're true for me and for my sake,
And congratulations on your car, which is a tiger,,,
uh, in heat,
[laughs] That joke I understand, sir,
[turning signal]
"Tiger in heat" you found funny?
Well a tiger in heat would be very funny,
Uh, dangerous, but I see how you make it funny,
You,,, you are good comedian,
Okay,
[laughter]
[Ed] Any ladies here considering breast implants?
-[woman 1] No! -[woman 2] Yes!
Any guys here considering their ladies
should have breast implants?
[laughter]
Hey, here's the thing, ladies,
If you're with a guy who wants you
to get a breast implant, get rid of him!
The best breast enlargement is sit closer!
[laughter]
Honestly, a breast enlargement that a guy wants you to have,
it's only because he can't get his penis made bigger,
[audience laughs] Oh!
[applause]
I am trying to take care of myself,
'cause I'm a single guy,
Trying to figure out what women find attractive in a man,
I think I have some things, I don't know if you've noticed,
but my hands,,,
are pretty much gorgeous,
-[laughter] -I take good care of them,
I've been told women look at your hands
when they first meet you,
They also look at your eyes, I've been told,
I've got some sweet baby blues
happening behind these safety goggles,
[laughter]
And I've heard feet before, which I didn't understand,
That sounds gross,
Who looks at a man's feet?
It's a size thing, right? They think you got big shoes,
you got the,,, [whistles]
[laughter]
,,,big underpants, right?
Mine are a size 11,
[clicks tongue] That is slightly above average,
[laughter]
They're 11 wide, actually,
[audience] Whoa!
Can barely get my gorgeous hands around the thing,
[laughter]
[turning signal]
So, do you have,,, all your friends and family
coming to see your performance tonight?
Sure you going the right way?
It's faster, sir, Much faster,
-You sure? -Very sure,
I don't know if my family's coming,
I mean,,,
My father and my mother are no longer here,
-unfortunately, -I'm very sorry, sir,
And I have a brother, and he's married,
And,,, that's us,
So hopefully he'll,,,
My brother will come tonight,
[smooth jazz]
♪ I want you to stop For just one second ♪
♪ I want you to take One step back ♪
♪ Don't say one word
♪ That you can't take back,,,
Come on, mom's waiting, Let's go say goodbye,
I can't go, I,,, I can't do it,
Simon,
Let's go upstairs and say goodbye to mom,
I don't want to say bye,
You've got to do it,
Hey,
You weren't there when dad died,
He was waiting for you,
Don't make the same mistake,
Why would you say that?
He wanted to say goodbye to you,
I know you regretted that,
Let's go, don't make the same mistake, Come on!
That's it, there, Let's go,
[slow jazz]
♪ ,,,and you tore it apart
♪ Threw it on the ground
♪ And rolled it around
♪ I am what I am
♪ I'm my own man
♪ And whether it's one second
♪ Or another 100 years,,,
[William] Can you give us a moment, please?
♪ ,,,never take anything
♪ From someone like you,,,
[Audrey] Simon? There's a line up at the gates of heaven,
Why are you keeping me waiting, my son?
You've tried all your life to make people laugh,
And you always make yourself cry,
Why are you so sad, my son?
♪ Then you understand
♪ That you're so, so sad,,,
And what about your wife, sir?
Are you married?
-I'm not married, no, -Ah,
Have you ever been married?
Jerry, It's tough enough
to get along with yourself, let alone with somebody else,
No, I've,,,
never been married,
That is sad,
A man needs to be married,
Why, to be miserable?
Hm,,, you have not found the right woman yet, I suppose,
Do they call you Jerry
'cause you're like Jerry Springer?
[Jerry laughs] Who is that?
It's not important,
You know what? Everybody finds their own happiness, Jerry,
I'm happy in my,,, in my,,,
[huffs] survival of life, I'm okay, I'm good,
Yes, I understand,
I was very happy with my Sharmila,
She's not with us anymore, but,,,
I still talk to her every day,
[phone rings]
I have got to take this, Jerry, okay?
[Jerry] Of course, sir,
Hello?
Si,,, Wha,,, What the fuck are you doing, Simon?
You know what? I don't know if I want to do this, I,,,
I don't want to embarrass myself, I,,,
This is a,,, I guess this is a big leap for me,
and I don't think I,,,
I don't think I want to do it,
What are you fucking talking about?
I put my fucking balls on the line for you,
But you told me they wanted me,
why are you telling me that it's your ass?
I don't understand,
Of course they want you!
But I still had to put my fucking balls on the line,
You know, credibility!
I'm the guy who fucking recommended you,
What's the matter with you? They want you!
Stop screaming in my fucking ear,
Don't fucking do this to me,
Don't fucking do this to yourself,
Get over here, What the fuck are you doing?
Okay, [exhales heavily]
Sometimes I feel like I'm married to you, Sally,
Okay, I'll do it, We're on our way,
-Fuck! -[cheers and applause]
[funky jazz]
♪ There was a moment
♪ In the past,,,
- Hey, Simon! -Hey, Did you bring some money?
-[Sal] Of course I did, -Good,
So tonight you know what I'm thinking?
I want you to play the deaf-mute,
I don't want to play the deaf-mute,
You fucked it up already
-at playing the deaf-mute, -[Sal laughs]
[funky jazz] ♪ Why so sad?
♪ Why so bad?
♪ Why so sad?
♪ Times have become so bad
♪ Why do you do this
♪ If you just,,,
Hey, Garry,
[Garry] Hey, Simon, what's going on?
Give me a scotch with a couple of cubes, please,
Sure,
What do you,,, want to,,, drink?
You sure?
-Beer, for my buddy, -[Garry] Sure,
-♪ ,,,such a sad song -[glass clinks]
♪ One last time,,,
Good?
How you doing?
[Margaret] I, ah,,, I speak sign language,
That isn't anything that I recognize,
You know why?
'Cause we're speaking dialect,
Oh,[chuckles]
Ok,
[Margaret laughs]
[jazz music]
This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world,
I love this place, The food is absolutely amazing,
Well, you know why I come here?
The waiter, He's like a father to me, Jack!
Buddy, we're ready,
[Jack] Your favorite wine, Simon?
Absolutely,
It's my favorite restaurant, I,,,
I come here all the time and I love the waiter,
He's like a,,, father to me,
Jack?
This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world,
I love this place,
And,,, the waiter
is like a dad to me, Jack!
We're ready, buddy,
Your favorite wine, Simon?
[pop]
-Miss? -[Margaret] Please,
Thank you,
[wine gurgles]
-Ma'am? -Please,
[wine gurgles]
Pinello!
-You spoil me, Simon, -[glass clinks]
-Miss? -Yes, please,
-[glass clinks] -[wine gurgles]
Do you mind if I order for us?
Ah,,, nope, Thank you,
We're not going to need the menus, I know exactly,,,
-Do you mind if I order for us? -Not at all,
-[Simon] Do you mind if I order? -No,
We're going to have the filet mignon,
the lobster tail,
and I want them to make the angel hair,,,
like they do for me, alla puttanesca,
Please? Thank you,
So we're going to have the filet mignon,
with the lobster,
We'll have the angel hair pasta alla puttanesca,
Ok? Thank you,
We're going to have the filet mignon,
the lobster tail,
and can you make that angel hair alla puttanesca,please?
-Of course, -Thank you,
[glasses clink]
-Cheers, -Cheers,
Thanks for coming out tonight,
-Thanks for having me, -[clink]
[clink]
Do you mind? I've got to make a quick call outside,
-I'll be right back, -No problem,
I'm going to make a quick call, Do you mind?
Not at all, Take your time,
I gotta make a quick call, if you don't mind,
-Is that ok with you? -Mm-hm,
-Sure, -Be right back,
Everything's good?
-Amazing, -Good,
Give me a sec,
I'll be right back,
Be back in a second,
Is everything alright?
Everything's amazing, but,,, Jack, where's Simon?
He was making a call, It's been a while,,,
Is everything alright?
Yes, excellent,,,
Is everything alright?
Mm, delicious, thank you,
[clink]
Where's Simon?
Is he coming back?
Nah,
[thud] Motherfucker!
[exhales heavily] What a scumbag!
I'll fucking scratch his eyeballs out
the next time I see him!
[inhales sharply]
[smooth jazz] ♪ Look in the mirror
♪ I just can't smile
-[phone rings] -♪ I need to find,,,
Simon, you ok?
Yeah, I'm good, Listen,,,
First of all, thank you for the way you take care of me,
I appreciate it,
Anything for you, It's ok, Simon,
That last girl, I think her name was Margaret,,,
Yeah,
How did she take paying the bill?
[chuckling] Well,,,
When she saw the bill, she started laughing,
Ok,,,
Get the fuck outta here, She started laughing?
Yeah, she was laughing,
Did she call me any names?
No, [chuckles]
Really?
Ok, thanks buddy,
I appreciate it, I'll see you soon,
-Ok? -It's ok, Anything, Simon,
♪ You make me a man
♪ You make me appreciate
[phone ringing]
♪ Who I am,,,
Hello?
Um,,, Margaret?
-[laughing] -It's Simon,
Wow, ah,,,
I'm surprised,
I honestly didn't think I would hear from you again,
I really,,, I'm sorry I had to leave, something,,,
came up and I couldn't get out of it, and I apologize,
Ah-ha,
I'd like to make it up to you, if possible,
Could I take you out again?
[scoffs]
You,,, you want me to buy you dinner again?
No, no, I want to make it up to you, and I got a big,,,
I got a big thing going on tonight,
I'm performing at The Comedy Basement,
It's being televised on cable,
And if you come,,, If you can make it tonight,
I'd appreciate it, and I'll make it up to you,
Ah,,,
[tsking] Let me think about it,
-Ok, -[Margaret giggles]
Sorry about it, really,
I'm sorry about it, I'll make it up to you, Ok?
-It's ok, -Try to make it tonight,
-Ok, -Bye,
-Bye,
[laughter]
My daddy's a hillbilly coal miner
from West by God Virginia,
So I'm a coal miner's daughter,
[cheers and applause]
He was a Marine,
he was in the United States Marine Corps, so oorah!
-Yeah! -Oorah!
My mama, she worked in a church in Durham, North Carolina,
So naturally, I am a Playboy Playmate,
[laughter]
True, I am Miss February,,,
[audience applauds] Whoo!
,,,1986,
[laughter]
I frickin' hate saying that year,
it's a dead giveaway,
I'm old,,, erish,
I'm 33 years in Playmate years! Whoo hoo!
[cheering]
Any guys here who like to send pictures of their penises
to prospective dates?
Good, I'm glad nobody clapped,
[laughter]
'Cause I know most of you are liars,
but at least you have the common sense
not to admit it in a crowd of people,
[laughter]
Not quite sure why a guy would send a penis to a woman,
Is it like they hope that later during the date
they can't be impersonated?
[laughter]
Like, "Wait a minute, I've seen your penis,
and that's not your penis!"
I just don't understand it,
Women don't go for guys for a penis,
Am I right, ladies?
By the time you know the size of a guy's penis,
you've already committed,
Any ladies ever looked at a penis and said,
"Sorry, I'm outta here?"
I imagine that would be
not because it's too small, but because it's too big,
-[laughter] -Ooh!
Ladies, you like 'em real big?
Hey, I don't understand that,
I thought the idea of sex was that it was intimacy,
Why do you want to have sex with a guy
who's in the other room?
Is everything alright, sir?
[Simon] It's ok, I guess,
You seemed to get very sober with that telephone call,
Pardon me?
Somber, sober, sad,
For a comedian,
that doesn't sound good, I don't think,
[Simon] I'm not sad, I'm just,,,
I think I just am,,,
got a lot going on in my mind
'cause I'm performing and there's a lot of pressure,
'cause five minutes for a comedian are an eternity,
[Jerry] Hmm,,, I understand,
But you are prepared for these five minutes?
[Simon] Am I prepared?
Is anybody ever prepared in life?
I don't know, We'll see,
I mean, everything is timing,
Sometimes when you're on stage your timing is bang-on, and,,,
you're in the rhythm of the audience and the crowd,
and sometimes your timing is off,
and you die a slow death,
[Jerry] Hmm, Well, I have faith in you, sir,
What kind of faith are you talking about?
In my country,,,
there's very little reason for faith,
In this country,
you have every reason for faith,
I have faith,
You have faith?
I have a gut feeling about you, sir,
But you don't even know who I am, or what I am,
[Jerry chuckles]
You know there's two types of people in the world, right?
[stutters] What do you mean, two types of people?
[Simon] There's good souls,
-and there's assholes, -[Jerry chuckles]
How do you know I'm a good soul and not an asshole?
Faith, sir, Faith,
[laughter]
[Glen] The dog is cute, Roxy, that's her name,
We had a little compromise with the dog,
I wanted to get a male dog
so we'd have two neutered men in the family,
[laughter]
What happened was I took my daughter to see the puppies,
and she fell in love with a female,
and she named her Roxy,
because she has never been to a strip club before,
[laughter]
I know, it's such a stripper name!
If you're a guy, there's a list of names in your head
and they're not in your head all cutesy,
[high pitched] it's not like, "Roxy!"
[low pitched] It's like, "Roxay!"
"Coming to the dog park
right now, gentlemen, it's Roxay!"
[laughter]
I know, I feel creepy just calling this dog,
I say, "Roxy! Here girl,,," [splutters]
"Who wants a big bone?
-Huh? Who wants it?" -[laughter]
-[Simon] Why are you so happy? -[Jerry laughs]
Look around you, sir,
And?
[Jerry] It is paradise,
This is paradise to you?
Very much so,
Fine, You know what?
I'll take that into consideration,,,
tonight,
And hopefully give myself a big break,
Hopefully,
Have faith, sir,
You have faith in life?
[Jerry] I'm grateful every morning,
For what?
[Jerry] For who I am,
For my,,, happiness, for my children,
For being alive,
[Simon] Ok, Nice,
My father always planned for the future,
But the future was short-lived for him,
What are you gonna do?
[cheers and applause]
I did a whole bunch of TV shows y'all might know,
I was on Growing Pains, I was on The Drew Carey Show,
I played Peaches, his hillbilly neighbor,
I was on The Golden Girls,
I was their next door neighbor Ms, Mary,
Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210,
I did nine covers of Playboymagazine
around the world, whoo hoo!
[whistles and cheers]
Thank you very much,
I'd just like everyone to know who I think I used to be,
[laughter]
'Cause what I really am is just a small town,
blue jean wearing, four-wheeler riding,
hillbilly talking, country music listening,
tailgate sitting, blowjob giving,
blue collar boy loving kind of gal,
[laughter and cheering]
Most of the people here,
when a PlayboyPlaymate's speaking,
it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah, blowjob giving,
wah wah wah wah,"
I am sorry that he is not here to,,,
attend tonight,
Me too,
He was my biggest fan,
And he stuck by me when I was booed,
But he is here,
You have to forgive me, Jerry, for being a little cynical,
I really, truly, don't want to offend
what you believe in, in your,,, culture and your religion,
but I don't believe in that shit,
My father had faith,
so did my mother, and they're both gone,
Did they have a good life? Were they happy?
[Simon] Yeah, they were,
Well, I never saw my father on his deathbed,
because I didn't have the guts,
I didn't have the guts,
But my mother, yes, I was there when,,,
she had her last breath of life before they removed the,,,
the batteries from her,
Yeah, she was happy,
You were there for your mother,
That is a great blessing,
I agree,
I do, Jerry, I agree, I'm happy I was able to say bye to her,
And I'm disappointed in myself, to be honest with you,
that I didn't get a chance to say bye to my dad,
because I'm a fucking coward,
[Jerry grunts]
And the whole theory about,
you know, how black men supposedly are all so well-hung?
You think about the damage that does to black men
who are averagely hung?
[laughter]
Just think about how they have to walk around
knowing that one day they'll show their penis
and it's not going to be 12 inches flaccid,
[chuckles]
And just think of how awful they're going to feel
in comparison to the guys in porn,
Because that's the only place penises are actually that big,
Oh, there's a lady here who doubts that?
[laughter]
The guy sitting next to her is beaming,
-[man] Yeah, -Where's your hand?
Why's it under the table?
[laughter]
[Jerry] Let us not be so sad, you are a funny man,
You're going to perform tonight,
You are a very funny man, I know it!
What, are you from Jerry Seinfeld?
Who?
[Simon] It doesn't matter,
I gave you two jokes and you didn't laugh,
I don't understand it,
Try another one,
Nah,,,
But thank you, Jerry,
I really appreciate it, actually,
I did not want to take an Uber, because, I told my brother
"They all smell like curry,"
-[Jerry] Hm? -But your car smells brand-new,
Because it is brand-new!
Next week, if I pick you up, it will smell like curry, but,,,
-[both chuckle] -That's funny,
At least you're honest,,, You're a good guy, Jerry!
Thank you, sir,
Are we close?
Three and a half minutes, sir,
Three and a half minutes,
[laughter]
Because I was a Playmate,
everybody just thinks I knew everything about sex,
Sex, sex, sex,,, Nuh-uh!
I was about to get married,
I didn't even know how to give a,,, blowjob!
And, um, then,,,
I couldn't go have that sex talk with my mama,
'cause she works in a church and it wasn't comfortable,
So I went to Ms, Mary, Hugh Hefner's secretary,
Does anybody watch The Girls Next Doorshow?
-Did y'all know that show? -[all] Yes!
Ok, you know who Ms, Mary is?
Mis, Mary was in her 70s when she gave me the sex talk,
And this is what she said,
She said: "Honey, you did know that 'blow'
was just an expression, right?
[chuckling]
It should be called 'suck it',"
[laughter]
I was doing pretty good,
[Jeff] I got these nice eyes, decent-size feet,
and these beautiful, beautiful hands,
[audience] Whoo!
What they didn't tell me is that if you're losing your hair,
none of that other shit matters,
[laughter]
I just recently started shaving my head,
I guess as an act of surrender on behalf of my hair, really,
It was obviously losing the war to my forehead
for dominance of my face,
[laughter]
The hair put up a great fight,
But the troops just kept retreating,
and retreating, and retreating,,,
-[laughter] -Yeah,
And then some of my forehead flanked them from the back,
[laughter and applause]
[Jerry] Are there any other famous comedians
like yourself tonight?
[Simon] Um, you know what, I'm really bad with names,
but yes, it's very,,,
People much more talented than me, people very famous,
I'm not famous at all, nobody knows me,
[Jerry] Oh, then this sounds like
an excellent opportunity for you,
Yeah, and I'm actually,,,
quite surprised, and trying to understand
why I have this opportunity, because,,,,
I think that I'm kind of,,,
Being a little honest with myself,
I don't believe I deserve this opportunity
because I've been very lazy,
[sighs] Opportunity does not come to those who deserve,
just like bad things happen to those who don't deserve,
You should just accept it, and not judge it,
So you're saying go with the flow?
[Jerry] Well, be grateful for the opportunity,
And kill! [laughs]
"Kill?"
Isn't that what they say?
[Simon] Yeah, yeah they do, actually,
I'll do my best, Jerry, I'll do my best,
[Ed] By the way, did you ever notice
that there's a lot of jokes you can't tell anymore?
Things have become so sensitive, there's jokes you can't tell,
Which, ok, I understand it, we're much more enlightened now,
But what will we do
with all those great Newfie and Polish jokes?
[laughter]
Who can be targets nowadays?
So, c'mon, the idea of a submarine
with a screen door, that's funny!
The idea of a mission to the sun that lands at night?
That's funny!
[laughter]
But now we can't attach it to any ethnicity,
What group can we still make fun of?
I'm thinking there's one group we can still make fun of
that everybody hates,
Old people,
[laughter]
Am I wrong? Everybody hates old people,
[laughter]
And let's face it, old people is your age plus 40,
[laughter]
Started losing my hair when I was 19,
-[audience] Ooh! -Yeah, didn't seem fair at all,
I went from one day I had to use a fake ID to get into a bar,
next day I'm getting a senior's discount at Denny's,
[laughter and applause]
We're almost there, Mr, Simon,
Are you rehearsing?
I never rehearse,
Never?
Never,
[Jerry] Then you must be perfect, [chuckles]
[Simon] I'm far from being perfect,
Maybe it's because I don't rehearse,
[Jerry] I have to rehearse everything I do
because I want to be perfect, [chuckling]
[Simon] Maybe that's what I should do,
Mr, Simon, remember what you said:
there are two kinds of people, good souls and assholes,
You are a good soul,
You think?
-I know, -You really think?
I have faith,
[turning signal]
Thank you, Jerry,
That means a lot to me, I appreciate it,
Maybe that's what I need,
I need a little faith,
Actually, I've been doing a lot of shows on cruise ships,
but that market's kind of dried up now,
So,,,
[laughter]
My favorite cruise ship thing recently,,,
That Italian one that went up on its side,
[audience] Aw!
-That captain, "Cap'n Crunch" -[laughter]
as I like to call him, you know what he did?
Basically he was trying to wave to a friend of his onshore,
and basically he did, like, the nautical equivalent
of buzzing the tower in a small plane, you know?
And he was off the ship, this guy, he was off the ship,
before the passengers, before the crew,
Right? And the excuses!
"Oh, it was dark!
It was dark, I fell in the lifeboat,
It started paddling by itself, I didn't know how to control it,
I know how to work the big ships,
these little ones are a mystery to me,"
[laughter]
"Oh, I was just testing out, I was testing out the lifeboat
to make sure it was safe for the other passengers,"
[laughter]
And I say, good thing this happened in Italy,
Right? Off the coast of Italy,
Because anywhere else in the world,
[mimics Italian accent] "Me no speaking English!
Boat go boom boom, she sink! I don't know what happened!
I'm just a guy standing here, boat sink over there!
Don't look at me, I'm standing here all day
minding my own business, boat sink over there,
Somebody help those people! Ahh!
Who put this uniform on me?
This is not my uniform!
I fell asleep, a man put a hat on my head,,,"
We're almost there, sir, I'm very excited for you,
I think I am too, now,
[Jerry chuckles]
[Simon] Thank you, Jerry,
Appreciate it,
On the house, sir,
Life is a series of moments,
And hopefully we will see each other again,
We may not, but if we do,
then that will be a sign of friendship,
And,,, another moment,
[Simon] You're very philosophical, there, Jerry,
But,,, you know what?
If I see you again, it'd be,,,
my honor and my pleasure to call you my friend,
You see? I am grateful,
You know Jerry, ironically, it is me who is grateful,
And usually I'm always the one that's ungrateful,
And I just realized something,,,
That I was very ungrateful
for a lot of great things in my life
to a lot of great people,
Thank you for that, Jerry,
No charge, sir,
No charge,
[smooth jazz]
♪ Then one morning You looked into the mirror ♪
♪ And you noticed All the years of fear,,, ♪
[Jerry] We are friends, now,
You need some sugar,
Give me a good luck hug! [hearty laughter]
♪ That's something I'll never know ♪
♪ The last thing I remember I said hello ♪
♪ Where did my time go?
[applause]
-♪ Please slow it down -[cheering]
♪ Help me keep my feet On the ground,,, ♪
-[Julie indistinct] -[cheers]
[grunts] The fuck, were you waiting there?
What's the matter with you? I thought you were dead!
-What do you mean, "dead"? -That you weren't coming,
-I told you I was, -[cheers]
I know, Hang on, listen, you're going last,
I don't wanna go last, that's a lot of pressure,
I know, but it's the best spot,
You'll be phenomenal, You're going last,
-That's Joseph Rogers, -Yeah, don't,,,
-Let me ask him a question, -Look, Simon, Simon,,,
-Excuse me, Joseph? -[cheers and applause]
Mr, Rogers,
Mr, Rogers, can I just ask you a question? Please?
[sighs] What?
You've been writing a column
for as long as I've been doing this,
how come you've never written anything about me?
'Cause I only write about comedians,
[cheering]
I got a few beauty tips for the girls,
Listen, instead of getting Botox in your forehead
like all the pinup gals do,
um, I recommend bangs,
[laughter]
It's a whole lot cheaper and a lot less painful,
[Ed indistinct in background]
-You know me? -[Mike] I know who you are,
Means a lot to me, Thanks, appreciate it,
Don't worry about it now, You have a great show tonight,
Thank you, Mr, Marino,
-Kill 'em, -Thanks,
[applause]
I'm not the sock, I'm nobody's puppet,
don't you be either,
[laughter and applause]
Thank you!
Aww! My time is up!
Give it up for Julie McCollough, everybody!
Thank y'all very much! Thank you for having me!
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen,
Have yourselves a great evening,
[Freddy] Give it up for him!
What a great crowd! I love you! [smack]
Enjoy yourselves, Thank you, Thank you, thank you so much,
Thank you very much, have a good night,
[cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
this man, once he retired
from quarterbacking the Miami Dolphins
decided to become a comedian,
please welcome the very, very funny Mike Marino!
[cheers and applause]
Come on folks, make some noise!
Come on, let's go!
Thanks, appreciate it,
Hey folks, one more time
for all these great entertainers,
Come on, ain't they fantastic?
[cheering]
Thank you so much for letting me come over,
It's fantastic, I'm very happy to be here,
My name is Mike Marino, I'm Italian,
I'm from a small place in Italy called New Jersey,
[laughter]
Yeah, make sure you laugh at what I say,
I ain't even a comedian, this is community service,
I like being Italian,
Growing up, a lot of people never believed
that I came from an Italian family
'cause I'm light skinned and have blue eyes,
Tell you people in this room right now, full-blood Italian,
both my parents born in Italy, And I can prove that,
[laughter]
I'm 55 years old,
and I still live at home with my ma,
[laughter and applause]
Don't worry about it, I see it in your face,
You're gonna have a good set, don't worry about it,
-Alright? -Thanks,
[Mike indistinct]
Get 'em! Break a leg!
[laughter]
We think we need to involve Italian people
in more things in this world, we wouldn't have
half the problems we've got, right?
-[audience] Yeah! -Think about it,
I don't like what the president is doing in the U,S,
We need a nice, Italian president
from New Jersey to take over,
-[audience] Yeah! -I'd make a great president,
I was running for a year and a half,
I shoulda been in there, I woulda been perfect,
"Make America Italian Again," that's the slogan,
That's right,
I had great ideas,
I wouldn't have even needed four years,
Three months, straighten out the whole country,
Done, perfect,
They'd ask me questions,
like how did I end wars in foreign countries,
"Hey Mr, President, you took care
of that problem in North Korea, can you tell us what you did?"
I'd be on national television
dressed up in a three-piece suit,
but I have my Cabinet behind me, you know my Cabinet?
Anthony, Nicky, Joey, Sally, Tony,,,
Like, "Mr, President, what happened?"
I'd be like, "Oh, you mean out there in North Korea,
with the guy and the thing?
[laughter]
Well, here's what happened,
We went out there to talk to him, and then, uh,,,
I don't know what happened,"
[laughter and applause]
Yeah,
"But he's gone now,
And there's nothing you can do about it,"
[laughter]
I always wanted to be on television
during the debates,
'Cause if you remember during the debates,
they made fun of each other on national television,
and you don't do that shit,
That shows weakness in foreign countries,
Imagine them making fun of a guy like me,
Then the Master of Ceremonies looks at me and says,
"Mr, Marino, Clinton and Trump just made fun of you
on national television, Would you like a rebuttal?"
I'd say, "Yes I would!
Go to a commercial break,"
[laughter]
Then we come back from break,
you can't find either of them anywhere,
[audience] Ooh!
[Mike] Then they look at me and go, "What happened?"
I'm like, "Ah,,, I don't know what happened,"
[laughter]
"But they're gone now,
and there's nothing you can do about it,"
[cheers and applause]
C'mon, people,
-[Mike continues indistinct] -It's ok,
It's ok,
We know you want to be a comedian,
And you're talented, You're funny,
You are a funny man, you're going to perform tonight,
You are a very funny man, I know it!
[laughter]
Folks, I actually just came back from doing a USO comedy tour,
I went to Afghanistan, Baghdad, Kuwait,
I went to go entertain the troops,
Right?
Now, if you guys remember,
when we first went to war out there,
France didn't want to help America,
Y'all remember that?
France didn't want to help America,
So I told the troops if I ran the country
and France didn't want to help America,
I'd cut the head off the Statue of Liberty
and send it back to France as a warning,
[laughter]
People, don't make me paint a picture for you,
Imagine the French ambassador
seeing the head of the Statue of Liberty
come floating back in on a boat,
Ok, but there's no body parts,
just a head all fucked up with an icepick in the eye,
[laughter]
That's sending a message,
[audience] Oh!
C'mon you wanna talk about discrimination?
Whenever the Italians are on television or movies,
what do they make us play?
-[audience] Mob, -Mafia, right?
That's discrimination against the Italians,
And all I ever wanted to play was a mob boss in a mob movie
and I've been in two of 'em, and in both of them
I was the Irish cop that got whacked
in the first 60 seconds,
[laughter]
Get the Italians are on some better shows,
You know, more educational type shows
for the children,
-Yeah, -Yeah,
You guys remember the movie The Sixth Sense?
-Yeah! -Yeah!
That would be a good place for an Italian actor,
Because then that little boy would've been considered a rat,
[laughter]
Think about it, he woulda went, "I see dead people!"
Guy woulda said, "Shut the fuck up,
You don't see nobody,
[laughter]
We buried them good,
Next dead person you gonna see gonna be you,
Now go look for yourself,"
-[laughter] -[audience] Ohh!
[Mike] And naturally you people know most of the craziest trials
come out of California, Don't they, folks?
You see the trials that come out of California:
O,J, Simpson, Laci Peterson, Robert Blake,,,
Even the whole Michael Jackson trial
to me was like a California event,
'Cause I always tell the people there
if they ever killed anybody from New York or New Jersey,
that shit never would've made it to a trial,
[audience] Ooh!
C'mon people, don't make me paint a picture for you here,
Imagine if O,J, Simpson killed someone from an Italian family,
That judge woulda asked the family one time,
"Does the family wish to press charges?"
Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha,,,
No,
Let him go,"
Yeah, "We forgive him,
Better yet, judge, we'll drive him home from here,
[laughter]
Vinny! Get the bat, O,J, is coming over,"
That's my time, you guys have been a great crowd,
-I'm Mike Marino, -[cheering]
Thank you very much, folks,
-Thank you, buddy, -Appreciate it,
Mike Marino, everybody!
Mike Marino!
Mike Marino, ladies and gentlemen,
That man is going places, Is he funny or what?
[all] Yeah!
Alright, now,,,
Now I have to tell you that this last guest
warms my heart, that I have the opportunity
to be on this stage in my own place
and do this introduction,
Ladies and gentlemen, in his Basement debut,
my personal friend Simon McCabe,
Give it up for Simon!
[cheering]
Simon!
Thank you very much, it's very kind of you,
So, ladies and gentlemen, if you were to win the lottery,
or you make a lot of money,
what's the first thing you're gonna do?
You're gonna buy a car,
A nice car if you're a guy, right?
So this penguin wins a million dollars,,,
[laughter]
,,,and he buys a brand new 2018 Camaro,
It's gorgeous, it's beautiful,
He loves this car,
So he's driving on a highway,
and he hears a knock on the engine,
It's about 11:55 a,m,
So he goes to a GM dealership, which was right off the highway,
And he goes, "Listen,,,
[laughter]
,,,there's a knock on the fucking engine,
I love this car, I love it, it's my first serious car,"
So the service advisor says,
"Listen, it's 11:55, it's a union shop,
everybody goes to lunch at twelve o'clock,
There's a Dairy Queen across the street, go over there,
Get yourself an ice cream, After lunch we'll look at it,"
Penguin goes, "Ok,"
[laughter]
Goes across, one o'clock he shuffles back,
he's got this triple-decker vanilla ice cream,
Goes to the guy,
"Did you get a chance to look at my car?"
Goes, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal,"
He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing is licking the ice cream,"
Thank you, You're very kind,
So a friend of mine,,,
Any dog people? You guys like dogs?
-Yeah! -Yes,
You can tell a lot about a human being
if they're a dog guy,
But some people get carried away,
everybody thinks their dog's the smartest,
They post them on Facebook,,,
But this guy took his dog everywhere,
So he's in a bar and his friend goes,
"You know, it's a little weird
that you go everywhere with your dog,"
He goes, "My dog is a fucking genius,
My dog can do anything,"
The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes, "Watch this, Rover, come here,
Go get me a gin and tonic,"
[pants] "Alright," Dog goes to the bar,,,
[chuckling]
He goes, "What are you drinking?"
"Very dry martini, dirty, with one olive,"
"Rover, dry martini, dirty with one olive,"
[pants] "Alright,"
[laughter]
So guy says, "Big fuck, Your dog knows how to make drinks,"
He goes, "My dog's a genius, he can do anything,"
He goes, "Let's put him to the test,
I'll give him 20 dollars,
tell him to get me a small Marlborough,
Regular, And bring me back the exact change,"
"Rover, 20 bucks,
small Marlborough, regular,
Bring back the change,"
[pants] "Alright", Dog leaves,
Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes goes by,
guy goes, "You know what? Your dog's fucked,
he's stupid, he's just a dog, and I lost 20 bucks,"
He goes, "No way, Something's wrong,
My dog wouldn't do this,"
So they go looking for him all over the place,
Finally get to a park,,,
"Rover, Rover!" They looked and there's Rover
banging the hell out of this French poodle,
[laughter]
So guy taps him on the back goes,
"Rover, you never did this before,"
[pants] "I never had the money,"
Thank you,
[cheering]
Simon McCabe!
[jazz music]
♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪
♪ And here's something That I've been told ♪
♪ Everyone makes So many mistakes ♪
♪ So tell me, honey What it's gonna take ♪
♪ Because sometimes Things change, I know ♪
♪ And sometimes Things never seem the same ♪
♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪
♪ Can you just grab my hand
♪ And give me One more opportunity ♪
♪ Because everyone
♪ Has a moment of grace
♪ Save face
♪ Sometimes the wind blows The branch all the way back ♪
♪ And it just can't hold on And it snaps ♪
♪ But I'm saying our love
♪ Has a destiny
♪ And it's something That you and me ♪
♪ Can see
♪ Sometimes things change I know,,, ♪
I just sold my first car
and I totally grossed the piss out of this guy,
And cut, Keep rolling,
Do it again,
-You pissed the gross,,,
-I pissed the gross right out of him,
-You got it? -Can you do another one?
-No, -[beep]
I don't believe in that shit, You've got to make a right here,
Yeah, but this goes north, I want to go south,
Yeah, so we can't go south this way,
-I fucked up, -[beep]
Why are we fucking talking?
What's going on here?
Didn't you say "action"?
-Yeah, -[beep]
Keep that fucking thing up there, brother,
I love you, I don't wanna,,,
it's not a Canadian movie where we'll get knocked out
-with a fucking boom, -[beep]
I haven't been to bed yet, guys,
How can I fucking work without sleep, dude?
-Who can remember all this shit? -[beep]
Action! Action,
Start again,
Do it again, do it again, Hang on,
-I want it to be fluid, ok? -Ok,
-Action, -[beep]
See this here?
You know I love you, right?
But every time you do this, it gets lower and lower,
-You trying to kill me? -[beep]
Your favorite wine, Simon?
Please,
Fuck it, Do it again,
I'm not going to see it, but she's going to see it,
[beep]
I need menus, and I need two more of these,
-[beep] -Get out of my shot, people,
-[beep] -Hey Ed, I can hear you,
-Ed, I can hear you, -[beep]
What's happening, bro?
-[Simon] Sun tanning my balls, -[laughs]
-[beep] -[laughing]
What a world they live in,
رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
♪ I believe
♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪