BETTER DAYS
DECEMBER
Hello,
Yes,
Yeah, totally ready,
I'm on my way,
Traffic and weather together, always on the fives,
It's 12:05 on a Friday, December 30th,
It's 72 degrees on this last weekend of the year,
You gotta love sunny, sunny Southern California,
I'm from New York and I hate it,
Don't get me wrong, it's a cool new car,
but kind of miss the Beemer, dude, My butt is really numb,
Come on, this is a sexy piece of machinery,
I can't feel my butt,
Always wanted an old vintage car, You know, I was thinking,
you just need to be more personal with that story,
I never laughed so hard like the one you wrote about you and Jessica,
Oh, Jesus! That name still literally gives me goose bumps,
I just hope I'll never be alone in a room with her again,
- Come on, she was fun, - No,
- She wasn't, - Alright, Let's hurry up, come on,
I want to get the house decorated before everybody gets here,
It's the only reason why I brought you up first,
- For your muscles, - My muscles, yeah,
I'm more of the brains, you know
- See? Here you go, - That I can carry, Alright, cool,
No, come on, this too, Please, I insist,
A little bread?
There you go,
Sorry, I'm not helping with the decorating much,
I just, I can't get a signal here,
Do you get Wi-Fi, like a Wi-Fi password maybe?
Where do you think you are, the Hipster Coffee Shop?
Leave your phone!
I missed you, dude,
For real,
Europe was amazing, but six months without your crap is too long,
I still can't believe they gave you six months to leave from the firm,
Is this house cursed? Why can't I get a signal?
- Are you expecting an important call? - No,
It's just… Actually, do you mind texting me,
'cause maybe something's wrong with my carrier?
Grab the big balls,
Put the big balls on the little tree,
Why don't you just tell me about her?
There is no "her",
- Oh, I'm sorry, "him", - You know what?
I'm single, I'm happy, and I'm empowered,
I know you're not waiting to hear from Joe's Pizza
after you crashed two of their cars,
The second one wasn't my fault, They know that very well,
It's the wrong guy at the wrong time, Maybe the time was right,
The point is I was framed, like that guy in "Making a Murderer",
Totally, yeah,
Daniel called me one night telling me he was in love with me,
and said something about you being desperate again,
I don't know how he got my number in Europe, but…
Wait, do I look desperate? Cause,,,
It's this girl I'm trying to call, It's probably nothing,
She's probably like busy, You know girls,
Enough crap, just tell me about her,
SEPTEMBER
The story I'm working on now is kind of a mix,
Got a lot of drama, a lot of comedy,
The protagonist is this amazing underdog,
- if I may say so myself, - Is he hot?
Not classically, but some girls are into him,
Oh, Ann is here!
Gary, please behave,
She just broke off a long relationship,
Leave her alone,
Leave her alone?
I'm not like that! That's what Red is like,
It takes me a while to get to know somebody,
That's like my whole thing, That and writing, right?
Ann already knows Red,
They don't get along,
Ciao, Ann!
Oh, my God!
You look hot as hell!
I wish I could carry a purse like that and not look gay!
Thanks, Daniel, don't make me blush,
- You…? - Hi, Red,
- Hi, - Hey, Vick,
Oh, this is Gary, my boy,
Hi, I'm Ann,
You're Daniel's boy? How long have you been together?
- Oh, not like… - Oh, no, no, my God!
Gary is not my boy-boy, He's not remotely my type, you know,
- I like manly men, - Thanks, bud!
I am Gary and I am very manly, actually,
Not like a dangerous man,
a mysterious man maybe, not like a… I wouldn't hurt anyone,
I've the physical capability to hurt someone…
Well, Gary, Ann and I have to catch up,
I can't wait to hear what's going on in your life!
- Gary, you stay here, - Nice to meet you, Gary,
- It was short but intense, - That's what they all say,
I mean intense, not short,
We know, lover boy,
She thought you were gay! That's great!
Yeah, it is, actually, okay? 'Cause there was a connection,
I don't believe in love at first sight,
but that night it took Ann one second to enter my brain,
and mess up every cell in it,
So since she knows Daniel,
ask him to throw a party and to invite her,
She's okay…
Boring as hell!
Datable, but just boring,
Datable? Don't even say that about her,
She's so nice, awesome,
You're doing the love-at-first-sight crap again, aren't you?
I don't even believe in that,
I'm just feeling hot tonight, Pheromones are kicking,
I've got this awesome scarf… I just feel hot!
- You might be having a stroke, - It's not a stroke,
- Look healthy to me, - Thank you!
Well, if it doesn't work out with Ann…
Damn, look at the imbecile Lisa's with,
Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Ann,
She always dates these pretentious hipsters,
- His glasses are pretty dope, - They probably have fake lenses,
The guy probably works at a coffee shop or something,
I don't know, I think she can do better,
Whatever you say, You're the expert on this, right?
Here comes Ann, Really?
Think of something really smart to say,
Scarf looks okay, I'm gonna break up Lisa's date,
That's nice,
Ann!
- Oh, hey! - Gary, the boy…
- The friend of Daniel's! - Yeah, I remember,
- Can I pour you a drink? - Oh, sure, it'd be fantastic,
Thank you,
Cheers,
It was nice of you getting a drink for him,
Do you know him? He's actually sweet,
- No, but I hope he enjoys it, - Thank you,
Oh, nice scarf,
Very soft,
Yeah, I wear a lot of scarves, I'm a scarf guy,
- Cheers, - Yes,
Back to The Bay in the morning,
I'm kind of nervous, I hate flying, a couple of days before the flight,
- Really? - Yeah, I mean…
Don't get me wrong, planes are great,
aerodynamic, brightly coloured, way better than birds,
It's the whole falling-out-of-the-sky thing…
…that scares the hell out of me,
What's in San Francisco that's worth risking your life for?
I wrote this short story,
and my friend John pushed me to enter it into this competition
and I ended up winning and now they're paying me to turn it into a play,
That's so brave of you to risk your life for theatre,
Brave, it's me,
I grew up listening to my grandma act old stories in Yiddish,
It was fascinating,
She was an actress before the war, back in Europe,
It's so cool!
My grandpa was Italian, he made really good pizza,
- I love pizza! - Yeah?
Except I just eat the cheese and tomato, 'cause I don't like the crust,
Like, the crust, like the bread at all?
No, it's just kinda more, I just use it like a plate,
- Are you gluten-free or…? - No, I love bagels!
- I'll eat your crust, - Yeah,
I'll eat the crust for you,
What are you up to these days?
I'm working on my PhD dissertation on Polish cinema,
It's like getting back to my family roots, I guess,
It's awesome, Polish movies, yeah!
- Do you like them? - Yeah!
I mean, I can never pronounce the names correctly, but I love them,
Like the one with the guy and the girl and the gun…
- Bugajski? - Yes, him,
- Love Bugajski, he's a true activist, - Right,
He's a little more contemporary than the other Polish filmmakers I study,
Yeah, no, but Buginnaski is so good at…
What he does,
- Bugajski, - Is that how you pronounce…? Right,
- So, you're leaving tomorrow? - Yeah,
It's too bad, I really enjoy talking with you,
You too, yeah,
Get a room!
- I gotta go, - Let's go!
Bye!
Looks like we both got lucky,
I thought we were celebrating New Year's,
We are, Gary,
I'm trying to preserve the spirit of Christmas,
The guys are gonna love it, alright? Help me with the table,
So you guys are together now,
but you can't focus on your work, but you're building something,
- Is this going somewhere? - Yeah, I mean, it is, but it isn't…
All we've done is kiss so far, but…
Dude, that kiss!
It feels really real, like she could be the one,
Yeah, yeah,
Thank you so much for showing me this, I can't believe a film buff like me…
…never knew what a beauty was hidden in Poland,
Right!
Do you think next time maybe…
…you could get like a version with subtitles for me?
Oh, I don't watch films with subtitles,
I end up reading them and getting distracted,
It takes me away from the story,
Yeah, the story is most important, so…
Do you want me to read you one of my stories?
What stories?
Like a story that I've written,
Are they scary?
No, no, it's not,
But I do warn you,
What?
You're gonna fall in love with me if I read one,
Oh, Romeo, don't get offended if I fall asleep,
I'm a little tired,
I wish you were with me now,
I haven't seen her in person in three months until now,
Don't worry about it, just play it cool,
You don't have to reply to her right away,
If she texts you and you're out of service, then so be it,
I haven't heard from her in a while,
- Did you send her a penis pic? - No, no, I gave her a phone call,
yesterday, and she didn't get back to me,
We haven't spoken in like a week, one-on-one,
- A week? - Yeah,
Oh-oh, Gary, a week is a little long,
- Really? - Yeah,
But I'm sure everything has an explanation,
She probably figured she'd see you as soon as the aliens release her,
Or she contracted a contagious disease!
Or you came on too strong and you scared her off,
I played it cool,
I checked her Facebook to make sure that she's alive,
- She's alive, so… - Good,
I sent her the occasional text, email, phone call once or twice a day,
Or ten times a day,
I love it, This looks like just like it did when I was a kid,
How'd you even score your parents' house this time of year?
My folks are in Singapore,
I got them a present,
You make me feel like a terrible son,
I got my mother a gift card at dress-for-less,
They've done so much for me, it's nice to give it back,
Why not start a new tradition, just us friends,
spending New Year's Eve in this house every year?
That looks great,
Let's just have fun, alright? Don't worry about anything,
Just enjoy yourself,
You'll finish your play when you get back to San Fran,
That's all you've got to worry about, Make me proud, Come on,
- Merry Christmas! - Hey, hey!
I didn't know we were coming out to the North Pole!
Gary, no wonder you put on weight, buddy! You look great,
Get inside, you little fool, time to make the toys for next year,
- I've got a surprise for you, buddy, - Oh, yeah?
I'm sorry, honey,
…his penis!
I'll call you back,
Gary!
Oh, my God, you look so cute!
I guess that makes me Santa's Little Helper!
Where's my hug?
Would you be a doll and get my bag?
Thanks, Santa!
Damn, damn, damn, damn!
Dude, Jessica cannot be here when Ann is here,
I'm done right now,
Jessica's not gonna bother you, Didn't you hear?
She's gonna be your little helper,
- Help me make the bed, - Are you kidding me?
Ever since our break-up she has made it her mission to stalk me,
and humiliate me with her cleavage, nasty jokes and crazy crap,
Gary, listen, it's us, it's the whole crew,
I invited Lisa, How could I not invite Jessica?
- The white toy first - How could you not…?
Hey, Lisa, it's John, Great to talk to you,
How about you come up to my folks' country house,
invite all our friends, except for Jessica,
'cause that would be really freaking awkward for Gary?
It's not my fault that you're a ladies' man,
Forget about Jessica, focus on Ann,
Don't get the dark side distract you,
Just take these off, We look ridiculous,
We just got them!
Gary, I tell you, once Jessica finds out about me and Ann,
she's gonna go into "search and destroy" mode,
I know it's hard to believe, but maybe Jessica's actually over you,
Jessica's looking for you, she has hungry eyes,
Save me from Red, He is more determined than usual,
No kidding,
- What? - What?
Look, Lisa, it's not about free legal advice,
I just want to take you to lunch,
- Maybe have sex, - I'd rather give you legal advice,
Really?
You must need it, with all the sexual harassment you probably have pending,
- No, John handles those, - Oh, does he?
Are you following me?
No, you're going the exact same direction I wanna go,
Oh, this is nice!
I'm gonna need to sleep on the right side,
away from the door for safety,
You're not sleeping in my room,
What are you talking about? It's New Year's Eve,
Red, it's not gonna happen, okay?
There are seven hundred reasons why I'm never gonna sleep with you,
Number one, you're in the friend zone, I'm sorry,
Secondly, I have a boyfriend,
Boyfriend?
Well, I don't see any boyfriend,
Where is he?
Hello, boyfriend? Is he hiding?
See? Why are you so cold towards me?
Cold? I'm not being cold, it's just…
We didn't exactly end well, if you recall,
Okay, maybe we're over that, That was a while ago,
How about you just catch me up on your life, How's the job?
Sucks worse than ever, My boss hits on me every day,
Really? Are you sure you're not giving him any signals?
Sure, blame the victim!
Wouldn't really call a black widow a victim, Jess,
We had sex once,
We were drunk, I barely remember,
Now he wants to divorce his wife and introduce me to his children,
Do you like the guy? Maybe this could be a good thing,
Yeah, the older son could be a good thing,
What kind of a monster leaves his girl alone on New Year's Eve?
He's not my boyfriend boyfriend, We're just dating, taking it slow,
I like where this is going, counsellor,
First he was your boyfriend, by dessert he'll be your buddy,
In the morning he'll be a skeleton in your closet,
This is actually sad,
How many times are you really gonna try to make this happen?
You know what's sad?
I hope he's not a lawyer,
Why?
'Cause I just read a recent study,
It's statistically impossible for two lawyers to have a good sex life,
Statistically impossible,
Please leave,
Okay,
You don't have to decide right now, okay?
Make it a surprise, we'll be here,
Red, do you know why we're here?
I'm here for you,
Stop,
It's New Year's Eve,
Do you know that John even paid for Gary's flight?
We all have big-boy jobs and Gary is a broke-as-hell writer,
So, you know, John takes care of him, Pretty standard,
I guess,
Stop staring at my butt, Get out,
I will not stop looking at your butt!
Listen, Jess, you're a physical person, I get that,
- But when Ann gets here, could you… - Anything,
…chill?
You know, Gary,
I know Ann, and you're way too young for her,
She was just using you, she's a tramp,
I'm not too young for her and Ann is not a tramp!
Come on, it takes one to know one,
Fine, whatever you say, but just…
When she gets here, promise me
you won't say anything or touch anything,
- But you still miss me? - What?
- Just a little? - No, See, like that, Stop,
Come on, Gary, I'm just teasing you,
We were so good together,
We used to have such amazing sex,
Right?
- Gary? - Guys, Daniel just called,
They're almost here, All of them,
I need to get changed,
- Johnny! - Vick, what's up, man?
Good to see you!
Oh, man!
- God, you've gotten skinny! - You just got bigger,
It's all that crappy European food…
- Hey, - Just saying,
We're here, the party is on,
- Not every time! - Sue me, I know you want me,
Just hoping one of these days…
…you'll have the courage to slip me some tongue,
Yeah, okay,
- You must be Ann, - Hi!
Nice to meet you, Let me take your bag,
Thank you! And thanks for the invitation,
You look better shaved, dude, Is there food in the kitchen?
What?
- Is there food in the kitchen? - Yes,
- He's so hungry, - He's always hungry,
It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you,
- I've heard a lot about you too, - Good things, I hope,
All wonderful,
I really wanted to get out of LA
and it's hard to say no to Daniel, he can be very convincing,
Really?
He's been trying to stick his tongue down my throat for the past 15 years,
- Ann, - Hi Gary, how's it going?
Good, good, Well, like, super busy, writing, working nonstop,
I wish there were two of me,
- How was the drive up? - It was fine,
Daniel's music selection was very… entertaining,
He was a DJ, so that makes sense, How have your holidays been?
Christmas, ugly sweaters, parties, family stuff,
I really should have been working more,
What…
You are the cutest straight man in the world,
The cutest straight man in the world,
That deserves a kiss from you too, Ann,
Yes!
- He put it on? - He didn't have to,
I was already wearing one under my clothes,
Maniac!
What about you, Red? What led you down the road of sexual obsession?
I believe it was the first time I saw you in yoga pants,
Oh my God, you're so full of crap,
No, Unlike you, Vick, I was very young when I became sexually astute,
Sexually astute? Who says that?
- How young? - Young,
My mother and her friends used to have waxing parties over at the house,
- Sure, - That's a thing?
- It's a thing, - It's definitely not a thing,
They would get together in the guest room,
And the woman who was most skilled at waxing would do the other women,
How's that determined who's the most skilled?
- Was there like a ceremony? - So gross!
No, it's not gross,
Personally, I prefer a clean canvass when I go to work,
- I don't mind a little bush, - It's a woman's choice,
Anyway, my mum leaves the door ajar,
and I peep in,
and I see Mrs, Maroni's black lacy underwear,
Holy crap, Paul's mum?
Paul's mum, God, I loved that woman,
That day changed my life,
"Porvert,"
I think that's pronounced "pervert", Daniel,
You've been here 15 years and your English is getting worse every day,
Guys love my accent,
I know, it's a cute accent, buddy, anyway…
Flash forward eight years, we finally make love,
I'm fifteen and she's all woman,
Dude, you know that we all had sex with Paul's mum, right?
Dude, you had sex with her a year ago, that is irrelevant!
Okay, Paul's mum is a beautiful 59-year-old woman, thank you,
Okay, She's a GILF,
- What's a GILF? - Grandma I'd Like to Fuck,
- What about you, Gary? - I never slept with Paul's mum,
Yeah, Sure, We know you didn't sleep with Paul's mum,
I'm talking about, when did you start your five-on-one life time tournament?
Or, if you prefer the clinical term,
when did you become a chronic masturbator?
- I'm not chronic, - Come on! Don't be shy,
Let's ask Jessica!
- Why Jessica? - You know why,
- I also think she took his… - You know what?
- I think it was Japanese anime, - What?
Some of that stuff's really hot!
Oh, yeah, like when the robot and the sea monster fight?
I meant erotic anime, damn moron,
You're the nerd,
- I was only five years old! - You were five years old?
Gary, masturbation is very healthy, don't worry,
Five? Five is pretty young!
Five is pretty young, Are you sure it wasn't just regular cartoons?
I've never seen you like that,
She literally told me she's been partying throughout the holidays,
Not even a second to text me back?
She came up here, That's a good sign,
Except now she thinks I'm a chronic "porvert"!
- What's up, Cole Porvert? - You should be a stand-up comedian,
Professionally,
Come on, man, Just messing around with you,
Have a little fun,
Ann comes up here and you're like Rainman,
but without the cool toothpick trick?
That's a cool trick,
One time I fainted and when I came to, I thought I had that gift,
I did some research, Turns out it could have been a genetic mutation,
- Amazing, Do you still have it? - Honey, Red is not completely wrong,
No, I know, it's a real thing,
Maybe it's not the capability to count really fast,
but, like, slows down time but can count at normal speed…
You need to loosen up with Ann,
What do you want with my hazelnut?
- What? - Gary,
Don't play games with me, I know you,
Look, we're just friends, He's a nice guy,
I'm not playing games,
- If I could just read Ann, - She's not a book!
Take her aside, talk to her, make her feel comfortable,
If that doesn't work, you look her right in her eyes and you kiss her,
If she tries to walk away,
you grab her and you say, "You are mine",
Just like that, You wanna be strong,
Hey, what's this, a meeting of the masturbator's club?
I can help you, guys,
I'm definitely better than all the girls you've ever had,
You're right, I need to do something,
I told them about my counting gift,
Gary is a sweetheart,
and he clearly still has feelings for me,
Gary!
Alright, guys, here we go!
Vodka or tequila?
Oh, Jesus!
Vodka makes me do weird stuff, so I'll have vodka, thank you,
- Gary? - For me, vodka,
Dasvidania,
- My accent is Russian, that's why… - Stop it!
If you have to say it, it's not working,
Gary has always been terrible at accents,
One time, for an entire month after we saw "Rocky IV,"
every time we had sex he insisted that I called him Ivan Drago,
That's adorable!
Who's Ivan Drago?
The Russian in "Rocky IV",
I've never seen it,
Wait a minute, you've never seen "Rocky IV"?
- Or you've never seen "Rocky"? - Oh, I guess any of them,
My focus is more on European films,
Well, we're in America,
and that's considered by many to be an American cinematic classic!
- Right? - Well, then I'll watch it,
My New Year's resolution, I'll make it happen,
Sylvester Stallone and Apollo Creed,
"I know you can do it, Rocky, you can do it!"
And he's like, "Adrian!"
"Adrian! Adrian!"
- You're slobbering, - "Adrian!"
You know? Punches!
- I've just never seen it, - Why?
Doesn't ring a bell,
Gary used to call me all kinds of names whenever we had sex!
Yeah, nicknames are fun, So how long were you two together?
Long time ago, They almost got married,
It's a really boring story,
but somehow Gary managed to make an interesting small play out of it,
- I have it on DVD, - I wanna borrow that,
- Thanks so much, Daniel, - You'll always be my Ivan,
Jessica, please!
- Hey, John, is Matt coming up? - He might surprise us,
Tequila?
Well, it will be nice to see him, He's annoying, but he's so hot!
Hey!
- Why don't we play Erotic Scrabble? - Oh, yes, yes!
If it involves getting naked, I don't think that's a good idea,
You've never played Erotic Scrabble? Why are we friends?
It's easy, it's just like Scrabble,
but it's erotic,
So you use erotic words,
and you get extra points if the words are extra sexy,
You know what I mean?
Penis, vagina, sperm, dildo, butthole,
Got it,
- Wham-bam-thank-you-mam, - Yeah,
Chitty Chitty Gang Bang,
That's a movie! That's a musical!
So, let's play!
- Alright, I'll get the board, - Yeah, get the board,
Let's play!
Okay, I've got something for you, tarts!
Climax!
I'm a genius!
No, you're just a pervert, that's all,
Shit, If only I had a C!
Hold your horses, it's my turn,
- Triple word! - And double that, 'cause it's erotic,
No, that's not, "Hazelnut" is not an erotic word,
It is when I say it,
Everything out of your mouth kind of sounds erotic,
- But not "hazelnut", - His package,
No…
Your penis is named Hazelnut?!
It's what it tasted like!
Do you use a special soap?
No, My penis just doesn't taste like hazelnut,
Is it the thing itself or the stuff that tastes like hazelnut?
- Both, - Oh, my God!
Daniel, it's your turn,
I was with a guy once who tasted like coconut,
Really, really, really…
He was like a walking, talking Piña Colada,
That's a really beautiful story, Let's get on with the game,
Yeah, let's, Can we…? 'Cause she's…
She's racking up hundreds of points on your penis, my man!
- Freaking hazelnut, - Hey, hazelnut is good,
- Add chocolate, you get Nutella, - She didn't call my penis "hazelnut",
You're making way too much out of this,
Why do you let Jessica push your buttons? She has no power over you,
I don't know, she always has,
When we were together, I couldn't even write anymore,
- How's it going with the play? - Really good,
I'm making a lot of progress,
The Bay area is awesome, I do miss you guys, though,
We miss you too,
I remember when you used to bring me…
…free pizzas in the middle of the night,
I should have fallen for you,
- Would we have been happy? - I don't know,
At least we'd have been nice to each other,
Yeah,
Are you happy?
I mean, work is good,
So, yes, I'm happy, I guess,
Have you even tried to talk to Ann alone yet?
- No, - No,
Because she was too busy laughing at me,
Frankly, I don't blame her,
With my luck, she's allergic to hazelnuts,
She could have called it "The Rock", "El Magnifico", "Spartacus",
Name it after a deadly weapon or a fierce animal,
No, she names it after a nut,
A little nut,
Very small, Very small,
Lisa? It's Red,
What do you want?
Stop!
I left my eye drops in there,
I don't care if you left your eyes in here, I am asleep!
Come on, my eyes are so dry!
Come on, don't be mean like that!
Leave me alone,
Oh, man, you're a cruel person,
We shouldn't go to bed angry with each other, that's what they say,
Sorry about earlier, I was a fool,
Son of a b…
- Gary, you okay? - Oh, yes…
- Have you been crying? - No, does it look like…?
What's that stuff all over your face?
Soot, Should I get it off?
Yeah, but it's not, like, tears,
Maybe I should leave the soot on my face,
I could go hunting, I would have fought a bear for you,
I think that's illegal, and I think the bear will kill you,
No, it's in my blood,
In this scrawny writer's body I hide one eighth Armenian or Indian,
My Grandpa is Italian… It's mostly Jewish, actually,
I don't want you getting hurt because of me,
Yeah, I should leave the bear hunting to Daniel,
What are you talking about?
In the gay community, bears are big, burly, hairy gay men,
- Oh, that's what Daniel likes? - He does have lumberjack fantasies,
- I could get down with some fur, - Do you want to see mine?
Do you want me to make a jacket out of you?
Yeah,
You are a good guy, Gary, I don't want to kill you,
But I really want a beer, do you want one?
Yeah, I got it,
- I'm gonna get the bottle opener, - Actually no need, they're twist-off,
- Easy, - Yeah,
I have actually been wanting to talk to you,
Do you need a hand? I have a really strong grip,
You wanna check the fridge for me? Maybe the box has instructions on it,
I don't know if the box is still in there,
You're so funny! I can't believe how funny you are!
Instructions for a twist-off!
Yeah, hilarious, Actually I think I got it,
- I can take you to emergency, - No, no, it's all good,
I don't think I have that much blood left in my body to lose,
- Are you serious? - No, no, no,
I could really use a beer, though,
- It's pretty… - Here you go,
You do have a strong grip,
Yes, I grew up on a farm, so it was a lot of hard work,
- Well, I'm gonna go to bed, - Yeah, you should,
Yes,
- Try not to bleed to death, - Okay, I'll try,
Good night!
- Do you want me to look at your hand? - Yes!
I wouldn't get medical attention from him, Gary,
Please, my pap smears are epic, You know that,
What's the deal with twist-offs these days?
Are they childproofing beers?
No, but I think they're foolproofing them,
Why couldn't she have asked for wine? We have that in a box,
- So she thought you were joking? - Yes, until I tore my hand open,
- Maybe you loosened it, - That's what I thought,
Wake up, sleeping beauties! Last day of the year!
Okay, we're coming!
- I'm gonna go upstairs and puke, - Nice,
- You guys didn't, right? - No,
I've got to pee,
Lisa!
Come on!
Wakey wakey! It's the last day of the year!
- I need my beauty rest! - Come on!
Good God!
- How are you doing? - I'm better,
- Sleep okay? - No!
You always wear that hat?
You always wake people up like Mary Poppins?
- You want coffee? - I'd love coffee,
Let's get you coffee,
Good morning!
What's going on? Are you hiding something from me?
I'm not hiding anything,
Gary!
I've got to go,
Hello,
- Oh, hi, - Oh, hi,
- Nice robe, - Thanks, It's John's mum's,
Red, can you not tell anyone what happened between us last night?
I don't kiss and tell,
No, but you do have intercourse and scream about it,
- You are the screamer, - I'm serious,
- Good morning, - Oh, it's my turn,
Ann, I could use some help in the kitchen if you have time,
- Yeah, what do you need? - I need some jars opened,
- I have a carpal tunnel thing, - Ignore him!
- Happy to help, - Thank you,
Oh, pancakes! I love pancakes!
Are we eating breakfast in here?
No, I was thinking we could eat outside, It's so beautiful out,
Yeah, I can help you set up, if you like,
By the way, I adore your house, it's so cute,
Thank you,
If you wanna help by setting up the plates, that would be great,
- Sure, - They're on the table,
Dude, wait for everybody,
Lisa said she wanted to make omelets or something,
I'm gonna go see if she's ready,
Do you guys see that?
No acknowledgement whatsoever from her,
Just go lay a big sloppy kiss on her,
- What? - Assert yourself,
Grab her arm, throw her up against the wall and kiss her,
That will get her attention,
That will get me arrested in this country,
Hey, listen, Gar-bear,
You couldn't open a beer bottle, okay? Who cares, buddy?
Maybe she thinks it's the cute, pathetic goofy guy routine,
It works for me all the time, Chicks love it,
And remember: pity sex is still sex, You call me on that,
Vick, baby, nothing works for you,
Go with my plan, Gary, You can borrow my leather pants,
That's okay, You brought leather pants to the country?
Why not?
You never know when you might need some tight leather pants,
Daniel, I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure she's not a Tom Jones fan,
Gary, listen, man, all you've got to do is play it like you don't care,
- Play it cool, You got it? - Yeah, got it,
What the hell?!
I wanna see some balls out there, Are you ready for this?
- You're wasting a pancake, - No, I'm not,
- Eat up, - No, I ate…
Take a bite!
Go get them buddy!
- Good job, - Thank you,
Lisa, are you dressed?
- We had sex, - Who?
- Me and Lisa, - No way!
I'm really hungry, John, Yeah, starving, buddy,
We made love, She liked it,
She could have faked it, But I think she liked it,
Okay, see you upstairs, Starving!
Lisa,
Hi,
Why do you have so many pain killers?
Pain killers? What?
I saw them in the bathroom,
- They're my parents', - They've your name on them,
Because my insurance has a better co-pay,
Come on, let's go, You're glowing, there's something different about you,
Please stop,
- I'll see you up there, - Stop!
I know, but you went behind my back,
and did exactly what I asked you not to do,
I did not!
- Liar! - I did not,
Stop all this back and forth,
Can I tell you something that's been on my mind for a while?
- What's that? - Seriously,
You have a beautiful vagina,
And I've seen a lot of them,
Okay?
- Check, - Check,
- I check, - That's it!
I did it, I shot the moon!
- Damn you, Daniel, - Anytime, sweetheart, I love bears,
I'm not a bear, okay? I've been told that at most I'm a cub,
- I'm done, I'm out, guys, - What do you mean, out?
I don't wanna start another year with empty pockets,
Gary, what are you talking about? You've never had any money,
Daniel, am I fat?
Okay?
- Sorry, have you guys seen Ann? - I think she's reading in her room,
Oh God, boring,
No, she's working on a dissertation, Very serious, Thanks,
- Poor Gary, - He's never gonna sleep with her,
Am I like a bear fat?
Or just like, "Oh, he's fun, He's like a fun fat,"
It's regular fat,
Ann?
Ann? It's Gary,
I'm in here!
Oh, should I…?
Can I come in?
- Yeah, come on in, - Thanks,
- Where is she? - I don't know,
She could be out in the woods being eaten by a wolf, for all I care,
If it's so important, why don't you go and find her?
I don't get it,
What does she have that and I don't?
You really need help, professional help,
Come on, Gary, it doesn't have to be like this,
Get in!
You can take me like you used to, Show me your little hazelnut,
We broke up, Do you think I'd just walk in here and have sex with you?
- Yeah, - Oh my God,
- Ann, no! - Let her go!
Is everyone in this house gay?
I'm not gay,
I'd rather not talk about this right now,
I'm not letting you go without,
- Without? - Give me the details,
- There are no details, - That's not true,
Okay, I'll give you the details, Are you ready?
I got my pyjamas, I got in my bed, I closed my eyes and I went to sleep,
That was it, It sounds really hot, right?
That's when Red got on top of you?
No, there's no "on top of me" at all,
- So you were on top of him? - Did you just hear what I said?
You guys were side to side? Like spoons?
Red came and knocked on my door, played this little…
Is that Matt?
- Hey, man! - Hey, John,
It's good to see you, dude,
You didn't give me a choice, did you?
- How's it going? - Good, how are you?
- Good, - Good,
Let me take your bag,
- How was the drive? - A pain, as always,
- Where's everyone at? - Getting drunk,
- Hanging out, - Let me take your jacket,
It's a little late for Christmas, don't you think?
Come on, it's never too late for Christmas,
I'm so glad you understand,
nothing's going on with me and Jessica,
nothing has for a really long time,
You know she still has feelings for you, right?
Trust me, there's nothing going on from my end,
Jessica is like the nurse in "Misery", only less chubby and more horny,
Oh, I've never seen "Misery",
It's a good movie, you should check it out,
Look, Gary, I need to talk to you,
Really? Been wanting to talk to you too,
We've done a lot of talking on the phone,
and texting these last few months,
I've been really looking forward to getting some time one-on-one,
Me too, We've only really talked by phone or email,
I barely know you and…
I think we said a lot of strong words really fast,
Yeah, because I feel so connected to you,
You're so beautiful,
and it's been so hard finding time with just you,
with all these people in the house,
And I understand you must have had a really busy Christmas,
'cause you haven't gotten back to me in like a few, like, seven days,
Gary, look…
You know I was coming out of a relationship when we met,
Exactly, that's why I didn't push things sooner,
I wanted to give you your time and space,
I appreciate that,
You really are a sweet guy,
It's just that I need you to know,
that my boyfriend, I mean my ex boyfriend…
It's complicated,
He was supposed to teach in Hungary for the next two years,
but he called me last week,
He's coming back and he wants to try again,
Oh, really? What do you mean?
I don't know, I just…
That's why I needed to come here, I wanted to see you in person,
It was really hard not responding to your messages,
- I just needed to see how I felt, - Right,
And I missed you,
I missed your stories and your thoughtfulness…
We really do have a great connection,
I feel exactly the same way,
And I'm not mad that you didn't get back to me over the holidays,
I get that, you needed your closure with him,
I totally respect that, I really do,
No…
I still need to see him, though,
I still need to try again with him,
What?
Gary, you're special…
- Sorry, - That's okay,
I don't want to lose you,
I need you as my friend,
I don't believe this, I do not want to be your friend, Ann,
I'm not looking for friends,
I've plenty of friends in this house, I don't make out with my friends,
I don't call my friends in the middle of the night…
I need you to understand where I'm coming from,
Oh, no, I understand,
You wanna have sex with this guy, then come back to me,
and talk to me like I'm your friend and tell me about…
"Hey, Ann, you're sleeping with Arthur again?
That's great, I'm just your friend now",
Forget that! I'm not your friend, okay?
- I'm just an angry person right now, - This isn't easy for me either,
Really? What's difficult for you?
Coming up here and embarrassing me in front of everybody?
Or knowing that you get to run off into the loving arms of your ex?
Gary, I like you, I really do, It's just…
I need to see where I stand with Arthur,
I don't know if we're heading toward closure,
or a new beginning, I just don't but…
I can't throw away 3 years of my life, I just need to understand that,
Arthur deserves another chance,
That is such nonsense! You could have told me over the phone,
Are you like getting off telling me like this?
No, forget this, I'm not your friend, I'm not anything to you,
Just stay away from me,
Fine!
I understand, if that's what you want,
You know what I want,
or what I wanted,
Fair enough,
Thanks,
You look okay,
I feel okay,
You make me feel like crap, man,
When are you gonna tell everyone, John?
Soon,
There's the John-answer:
"Soon",
You left me here for six months,
I had no idea,
Mum and Dad don't even know,
Are you just gonna sit here and just keep waiting?
- You've got a bunch of people there! - Lower your voice,
- I don't freaking care, John! - No, lower…
Why come up here if you're just gonna be pissed off at me?
Sorry,
- You don't need to be, - I wanna hang out with my brother,
- That's what we're doing right now, - No,
This is cute, Role-making,
- Are you gonna do this all night? - I'd love to,
- I'm worried about Gary, - Why?
- He's not really built for rejection, - I disagree,
He was born for rejection,
At least she's gone,
John and Matt have been talking for half an hour now,
- I think Vick's story is true, - What story?
Vick told me that Matt and his girlfriend Carrie broke up,
because she slept with John,
No, they adhere to a strict bro code,
I know it's Vick, but apparently there's a witness,
Vick's cousin's former roommate saw them and told him everything,
That sounds like a lie! So, yeah,
- Who's making drinks? - What do you want?
- I want to get drunk, - I'll take one,
- How did it go? - Ann got a room,
She can catch a bus back to L,A, in the morning,
What a mess!
Maybe she can get a ride back with Matt, I don't think he's staying long,
What the hell is he doing here? He's a party pooper,
He's John's brother and John wanted him up,
He had sex with his girlfriend first…
Don't tell me you believe that crap,
Why not? Vick told me,
See?
Oh, thank you, sir, Living la vida loca!
Hey, Gary…
Which do you like better?
On, off?
- On, off, - Off,
- On… - I said "off",
We should have brought a TV, man,
There's lots of walls, they could have put up a TV,
Reception sucks here and they don't have Internet,
But John's family is loaded, They could have cable,
Some people get a country house to get away from that stuff,
Okay,
- Would you like a nut? - Definitely not, thanks,
Hey, man, are you good? Are you okay?
- Is there something I can do for you? - Could you build a time machine?
Do you wanna go back to the time of the Romans…
…with modern technology and rule the world?
- Yes, it's always been my dream, - That has always been my dream!
What would you do one day one? I'll answer,
"I'd have sex with Cleopatra",
That's what I would do on day one,
Do you know that she invented the fellatio?
- I don't think that's true, - It's in history,
I'd have sex with Cleopatra unless you want to,
and then I would have sex with one of her cousins,
'cause they had to be just as hot,
Thanks, that's really nice of you,
No, I would take the time machine and go back before Ann ruined my life,
She's a rude lady, she just left, I saw her, she left,
I asked her to,
Apparently she's getting back with her ex boyfriend,
Oh damn, man! Are you serious?
Oh, God, that makes me so freaking mad!
You know what? I have a friend,
he's more of an acquaintance, but he owes me kind of a weird favour,
And he would beat that guy up, He would beat him up!
He would rearrange that dude's freaking face!
Jesus, Vick,
I'm not talking about killing him, just freaking scare him bad,
and probably scaring her too,
Goddam Polish-cinema-loving freaking dirty tramp!
She'd never seen "Rocky", dude, Never seen "Rocky"!
Hadn't seen a "Star Wars", not one, She hadn't even seen the crappy ones!
Okay, maybe we both should just move on,
Is anyone else starving?
Is dinner ready yet?
Hey, Gary,
- How are you doing? - Great,
- I like your shirt, - Thank you,
I would love to pour molten lead down her throat,
Oh, man, he could do that, He could do that to both of them,
he could go full freaking Han Solo on those two,
No, I'm talking Jessica,
- Jessica? - Yeah,
- She's very hot, - Okay,
Gary…
- What's going on? - You can reverse a vasectomy,
- It's hard… - You can do it,
If you're not gonna eat that, I'm gonna eat that,
- Go for it, - I'm gonna need more wine,
Actually, guys, if you'll excuse me…
Where are you going?
Stay, come on,
It's New Year's Eve, we love you, we're all here for you,
Sit down, try to make the best of it,
Come on, man, we're family,
Nothing says holidays like a dysfunctional family meal,
Daniel, pass me those mashed potatoes,
Sure, They're fantastic, aren't they?
Yeah,
I love the hint of horseradish,
I used this recipe in one of my episodes,
They're better than my Mum's,
So is it too early to talk about New Year's resolutions?
Oh, I've got one, I am gonna get a tattoo,
- Where? - Right here,
Gary, maybe you can help me pick something out?
I'm good, thanks,
Then I'll ask Vick, He told me I was hot,
Vick?
I don't like tattoos, cos they remind me too much of my grandma,
Hey, look who's here,
Did you guys sort out the whole "you slept with my girlfriend" thing?
- Jesus, Vick, - What are you talking about?
What? I'm just making sure they're cool, Are you guys cool?
Did you tell them some other lie?
Calm down, Matt,
Vick's just a little buzzed, He doesn't know what he's saying,
No, you slept with his girlfriend,
I didn't sleep with anybody's girlfriend,
Her roommate saw you,
I can't stay here pretending everything's perfect, John,
Jesus Christ, Matt, just sit down and have a drink,
It's almost midnight,
You gave up!
You don't want any help!
- Look at these people, John, - Matt, please don't…
What's your next genius plan?
What do you wanna do to make all this even harder?
You've got to tell your best friends,
Matt, just sit down!
Tell them or I will,
Don't make me do it,
John, is there something you need to tell us?
Come on, you act like you have freaking cancer,
I do,
Oh, man,
John, I'm sorry, come back,
Damn,
Dude, I got your back on this one, okay?
Here's what I'm gonna do,
I'm gonna give back my advance, gonna move back to L,A,
You can stay on my Mum's couch, I think she still has my air mattress,
Whoever got second place in the competition can…
- Gary, you wanna help me? - Yes, literally anything,
Okay, finish your play,
Make me proud and… leave me alone,
You want me to go home and pretend you're not dying?
Gary, I am dying,
And I always took care of you, and…
Damn,
I need to know that you're gonna be okay without me,
Show me you don't need me to finish the play,
And then you can come and visit me,
- Promise me, - Damn you,
Gary…
Gary, promise me, okay?
Come on,
JOHN'S FRIENDS BY GARY SCOTT
MARCH
I'm trying again,
Gary,
Hey, Lisa, I'm writing, Sorry I haven't called you back,
John is slipping, Gary,
I'm almost done,
He's not gonna be around for much longer,
I'll make it, I owe him, okay?
So come,
I'll be there as soon as I can,
Did he ask about me?
That's what I thought,
I made a promise,
Okay, Please hurry,
- Red? - Hey, dude, how far are you?
I'm walking to the bus stop now,
Are you sure of this? Let me buy you a plane ticket,
No, it's all good, I'll just see you later,
Okay, keep me posted,
Red?
Yeah,
- You're at the hospital now? - Yeah,
How is he? Can you talk to him?
Can you tell him that I finished it?
He knows,
Thanks, buddy,
I killed you, Johnny,
- Maybe I should try another sport, - I think foosball’s a sport,
You ever think about how the world will keep going after you die?
No, not really,
I mean, your family, your friends, everybody that you know, Your home,
Everything about your life will just keep going, How is that possible?
When I've been away I think about people at home,
going on with their lives without me,
- It's kind of the same, right? - No,
I don't know if I believe in an afterlife or anything,
I'd wanna spend it in my house with everyone,
just being there to see what they're up to,
You know when you are super tired and you fall into a really deep sleep?
The kind of sleep where you don't even dream,
darkness without time?
And when you wake up it feels like you've only been out for a moment,
but you actually slept through the night?
I think so, yeah,
I think dying is something like that,
only without the morning after,
This is really bumming me out, dude,
Well, death is only sad if you're still alive,
APRIL
I like that you called the play "John's friends",
- Did you see Ann at the service? - Yeah…
But we're all good now,
I'm really just focused on writing and my friends, right now,
To be honest, I'm proud of myself, I've kept it pretty cool,
You've called me every night, crying,
and you wanted to talk about life and time and love,
and death and the meaning of it all,
- Really? - No, it never happened,
No, it happened,
The audio recordings I have of you crying
has over 40,000 views on YouTube,
I cut it together with a bunch of videos of cats,
Wait a minute, That was you?
I didn't recognize your cry!
- You sound like a little girl! - Are you guys kidding me?
No, not kidding you,
It actually helped me when I was feeling sad,
- I wanted to thank you for that, - Stop,
Vick, take that thing down, Are you kidding me?
I can't, man, It's been BuzzFed,
What?
Let me know if you're gonna cry when you see her, so I can film it,
What are you talking about?
Ann,
I put together some photos and videos of us and John,
I just think it's a nice way for us to send him off together,
Great,
Stop!
This is the worst idea I've ever had!
Come on, guys, please,
Cheer me up,
A joke, a beer?
Maybe it would help if you took off your shirt,
I'll get you a beer, buddy,
- Will you pour it down your chest? - I'll take a beer,
No, I don't want a beer,
I want a Skinny Margarita,
The last thing I need is to gain weight,
Oh, my God, I'm a hot mess!
- I opened it for you, Gary, - Thanks,
- Where is my Skinny Margarita? - You can get one at the Abbey later,
Ann is here,
- Already? - Yeah,
- You still have feelings for her? - No, Jesus Christ, no!
Yes,
I knew it, Lisa was all, "No, he doesn't care,"
And I was like, "Lisa, I know the dude,
he's not done,"
Of course I'm not done! Now I have something to offer,
- Are you gonna pay her? - No, it's me, the new Gary,
I'm not "I want you as a friend, Gary",
I'm "I wanna have sex with you, Gary",
I'm happy for you, man, Proud of you,
But try it on a different girl,
Ann is like an unfinished play,
John taught me to finish what I started,
so I don't know what I'm gonna say or do, but I know I'm gonna win,
Oh, man, I hope so,
I'm so glad you could be here, It means a lot to us,
I wouldn't have missed it for the world,
Hey, Ann,
I'm glad you could join us, You look great,
Hey, Gary, It's good to see you,
- How have you been? - I've had better days,
I think Red's calling me,
I should have reached out earlier, I'm sorry,
I think that night I overreacted,
There was a lot going on,
Definitely wasn't the best New Year's Eve of my life,
Yeah, Definitely not, Sorry about that,
I need a new drink, You want some?
Sure,
These last few months have been the longest,
most miserable months of my life,
Knowing John was slipping away…
But I stayed and I worked, I wrote,
He gave me the strength to finish,
I finished my play, You're in it,
Am I the bad one?
No, you're not the bad one,
- So will it be staged soon? - We start rehearsals in a few weeks,
That's great! I'm so happy for you,
The play is finished, but my life is not,
And you are still an open chapter in it,
I miss you, I miss talking on the phone,
I miss our conversations and this is not right,
Yeah, I miss you too,
I know what you meant that night at the house,
It wasn't just about seeing your ex,
It's about me, my neediness and my insecurity,
And I've really changed,
Because of this John's stuff, I've really changed,
- Yeah, I can tell, - I can't isolate myself anymore,
I know this sounds crazy,
but I think you should move with me to San Francisco,
We'll have a new start,
and I know how crazy that must sound, but I can't help it…
Because when I see you, it sends me into outer space,
I wanna take you with me into space,
we'll have a beautiful house on the moon,
Oh, Gary…
Hey, big daddy,
- What are you guys doing? - Daddy?
Do you wanna take Jessica and the kid on the moon, too?
No, this has nothing to do with us,
Haven't you learned your lesson with her?
Back off,
Don't speak to the mother of your child like that!
Nonsense! You said yourself there can be ten or eleven possible fathers,
Yes, but a woman always knows, and baby, I can feel that it's yours!
Don't worry, honey, daddy loves you! He is just scared,
That night I was drunk, I was crying about John,
You seduced me, you took advantage of me,
I never even, I'm pretty sure I didn't even finish that night!
Look, you can deny it all you want, but I know that Rufus is yours!
I'll have a part of you with me always,
- Did you say Rufus? - Yeah, our son,
- You must be Daniel, - Yeah, it's me,
- Hi, I'm Arthur, - Arthur, you made it,
I'm sorry, I'm late, Annette,
But time flies when you take special needs kids…
…to witness the ancient art of fire eating,
Oh, yeah, you do smell like kerosene!
- He always does, - Yeah!
Guys!
This is Arthur,
Arthur, this is Lisa, Vick, Red, Jessica, Matt…
- And Gary, - Lisa, Vick, Red,
Jessica, Matt and Gerard,
Gary,
- Gary, - Yeah,
Gary was John's best friend,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss,
Ann has told me so much about John,
And all of you,
Well, I'm so glad you could join us,
You can leave your bike next to the door, you don't need to hold it,
This? It's super light, I can hold it,
I got used to it when I was travelling around Cambodia,
- Really? - You can never put it down there,
Oh, may I try?
Sure,
- Yeah, it's true, - It's nice, right?
This is fascinating,
I'll get some more drinks,
Oh, actually I brought a bottle of Xtabentún,
It's an ancient Mayan ceremonial liqueur,
It will help us connect with the spirit world when we toast,
Our friend died,
Not really toasting,
I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it with disrespect,
I like to think of life as a full circle,
and with every ending come new beginnings,
Didn't you tell them, honey?
I was just waiting for break time,
Ann and I are becoming one on the paths of life,
You're adopting a highway?
We're engaged,
Fantastic! Let's go in the kitchen,
I want to show you my collection of shot glasses,
SEPTEMBER
- There you are, man! Take the mug, - Absolutely,
I'm proud of you, buddy, You're doing it,
You're wearing a Speedo to a wedding?
Yeah, dude,
I didn't want to put my suit on, because you know that I sweat,
And if I sweat, I've got to pay double for dry cleaning,
Never renting a tux again,
I usually don't wear underwear, If I'm perfectly honest, I don't,
You know, ladies love it!
- And it's easy access, - To what?
Oh, nice,
Are you ready?
- No, - Gary!
Do you think this is easy for me?
This decision could affect the rest of my life!
It does affect the rest of your life! It affects all of our lives!
A decision like this changes the whole timestream,
It changes the course of the future as we know it,
I guess I don't even have a choice,
I have to!
I gotta tell you something,
I want you to hear it from me first and not from anybody else,
I'm gonna ask Jessica to marry me,
For my baby Rufus, it's what's right and I'll be a good daddy,
All I'm asking for is your blessing, man,
My blessing? You should run away and take the baby with you,
No, she's different with me,
She's kind, she's passionate, she's considerate,
And she likes that I don't talk as much as you do,
'cause she said you talked all the time,
And that you're sort of nebbish, and kind of soft,
does this thing with her mouth…
I definitely don't need to hear that,
- Do I have your blessing? - Yes, yes, you crazy fool,
- Thank you! - Don't, you're really sweaty,
Thank you, buddy!
I guess I have no right to call you crazy,
I'm about to pull a Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate" and run away with Ann,
- So what are you gonna do? - I don't know!
But I know that I tried to play by her rules!
I called her up, begged for her friendship,
- You begged her? - It was better than nothing,
but she says we weren't even ready to try that again,
When I kissed her at that funeral, I felt something,
and I know she did too,
Drastic times call for drastic measures,
Yes,
So when the priest says if we have any objections, what does he ask?
He says, "Speak now or forever hold your peace,"
I'm gonna raise my hand and be like, "I've got something to say…"
I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I'll say something,
Yes!
You didn't tell anyone about this, right?
No, I didn't,
- Vick… - Yeah?
Look at me and tell me you didn't tell anyone,
I didn't tell anyone,
- Vick, what are you up to? - What are you wearing?
It's a good shirt! Zeppelin, good to see you,
I think what you're wearing is amazing,
Thank you! Somebody finally gets me, Hi,
What were you saying about Gary?
Is this true you got into all those Ivy League colleges? That's cool,
Nice shirt,
Thank you! It's a great shirt, Daniel,
Victor! What were you saying about Gary?
- I told Red, - Oh, damn!
And then I told Lisa, 'cause she was next to Red,
So you told two people! What do you mean you told Red?
- And Zeppelin, - Who the hell is Zeppelin?
Daniel's boyfriend,
- His name's Zeppelin? - Yeah,
- Like the band? - No, like…
- Zeppelin, - Okay, okay,
You ready, man?
You're gonna do it, man,
- For John, you know? - Yeah,
If you've gotta do it, now is the time,
- Now is the time, 'cause… - It's starting,
Put on some damn real clothes, you look like an idiot,
You'll embarrass me and I'll mess the whole thing up,
No, Gary!
Please, be seated,
Namaste, father, Thank you for coming,
We're so happy you could be here to witness our everlasting love,
This is for you,
Thank you, my love,
Dearest beloved…
- Oh, God, - Oh, my God, you killed the "prist"!
- It's "priest", Daniel, - The priest!
- No, I didn't… - You killed an innocent man, Gary!
I did not! I was gonna say something, but…
It doesn't matter now,
This is happening and it's the right thing,
You guys are in love, I see that now,
I totally get it, I was wrong,
I think I put you on a pedestal, Ann,
I know now that love wasn't returned
like it is with you guys, you know?
You can love someone like you love the Beatles,
You want them to be together, I'm not Yoko Ono,
I didn't kill the man, I would never…
Have a seat, Gary,
Is there a doctor in the house?
- Red, go, - I think he's still breathing,
- He is a gynaecologist, - I have a degree,
I think he's just old,
Jesus Christ, I needed a drink,
You sure you should be drinking, father?
After what happened?
- What do you mean? - At the ceremony,
- Oh, that was nothing, - Really?
Yeah, it just happens occasionally,
No,
- Would you like some? - Thanks, I've got a Martini,
I'm gonna take my girlfriend out there on the dance floor,
and we hope to see you out there real soon,
'cause we're gonna have a lot of fun with Señorita Tequila!
I will totally see you there,
This is the best wedding I've ever been to!
Well, you're welcome,
- I'm glad I entertained you, - Well, I thought it was brave,
Brave or incredibly embarrassing, but thank you,
- You sing beautifully, - Thank you!
- But I think you stole the scene, - Well, it didn't really work out,
I didn't get the girl, Well, I chose not to get the girl,
It was a personal choice I made,
I came to this decision, and I realized…
You're really beautiful, in addition to being a great singer,
You know Bublé, Michael Bublé? I call him Michael,
Discovered at a wedding,
Wait, are you a manager?
I am not, no,
But I can pour you a drink,
I prefer to dance now,
Dancing with me without a drink? You must be brave too,
No,
I'm Mia,
Gary,
- Hey, can I ask you a question? - Sure,
Do you like Polish films?
Polish films?
I'm not sure I've ever seen one,
- Why? - No reason,
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