رسانه اینترنتی مای موویز MyMoviz جامعترین سایت فیلم و سریال
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Hi, this is Kristin, - This is Jen,
- I have a three-year-old boy named Dashel
and a seventh-month-old named, um,,,
Delilah,
- Did you almost,,, - Oh, my God,
- I'm a strong three in Los Angeles,
a definite six in Nebraska, but I am a 10
- in medieval times, - Yes,
Hey, Dr, Seuss, does "Red Fish, Blue Fish"
need to be a novel?
- I'm trying to squeeze into like
girdles and Spanx, whatever,
On the other end it looks like
your ass is blowing a bubble,
- You could seduce my husband with a ham sandwich,
Aren't you scared that you're going to like,
get killed in an accident
and somebody's going to find that?
- No, They're going to find me without a hairy lip,
I've literally had laser hair removal on my chin 14 times
and the lady said, and I quote, "We just can't beat this,"
(laughing)
- It's Delilah, and I love her so, so, so, so much,
- She's super cute,
Whatever her name is,
- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
from #IMomSoHard, Kristin and Jen!
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Thank you for coming out to #IMomSoHard Live!
We should all just relax, We should all just relax,
- Okay, Kristin-- - Just relax,
- You should just relax, - I know, I'm so nervous,
I peed like 40 times before I came out here,
I thought there couldn't be anything left in the tank
and then every time I took a step, I peed a little,
- Yeah, yeah,
This is the splash zone, right here,
You're fine, You're actually, look at how fine this mom is
in these hot leather pants, you guys,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- These aren't leather,
They're pleather,
By the end of this, I'm absolutely
going to have a yeast infection,
(audience laughing)
Because it's real swampy down there,
It doesn't get like, a lot of,,,
(audience laughing)
- Splash zone,
Look, we deserved a night out,
Did anybody else deserve a night out?
- Yes! Yes!
(audience cheering)
- This week, my son found a toothbrush
on the sidewalk in Los Angeles,
He used it,
You know that's been in a homeless guy's butt, right?
Like, worst case scenario, that's where my mom brain goes,
- Yep, But he brushed his teeth,
He did as you taught him to and he used the toothbrush,
I think you're doing great,
- Thank you,
See, that's what our mom friends should do for us,
is lie to us,
- Yes, that's why we have to stick together,
We have to be there for each other, Yes!
(audience cheering)
We have to love each other,
We have to support each other
because this is our time,
This is the mom's time,
Yeah! Because let's be honest,
no matter what we do, they're going to blame us
for all the shit that goes wrong in their life anyway,
(audience laughing and cheering)
- Nobody's ever in counseling 30 years from now going,
oh hey, by the way,
my mom has nothing to do with why I'm here,
- Oh, no,
She's blameless,
She is absolutely blameless,
- And they never blame Daddy,
- Oh no, no, no, Daddy's the fun one,
Daddy's a good time,
Daddy lets me wear my Tuesday underpants till Sunday,
(audience laughing)
And Daddy thinks showers are dumb,
And Daddy can make pizza magically appear at the door
every single time Mommy has to work late,
- Mommy's mean,
Mommy's always trying to prevent traumatic brain injury,
Mommy makes me get shots so I don't
die an early death of diptheria,
Boo! - Boo!
She's the worst,
They always blame the mother,
- I know I always blamed mine, - I know, me too,
There's no such thing as a perfect mom,
I mean, we all know that one,
You know, the one,
She seems to have it together all the time,
She's really happy,
She's really peppy,
She's a little quirky,
She just likes to bake shit,
(audience laughing)
And then she drops it off at the school
when it's not her day,
- She washes her hair,
(audience laughing)
She's not screaming at everybody all the time,
She doesn't have somebody else's boogers on her face,
Good for her,
- Let me tell you something,
She's bawling in her shower just like the rest of us,
(audience laughing and cheering)
And by the way, if you are one of those moms
who has miraculously figured it all out,
you need to take a casserole over to a mom who has not,
(audience cheering)
- And we're both from Nebraska,
Which two of you have heard of,
- Two of you have you heard of it,
- Everybody in the state wears red
for the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers,
And every dude's closet looks exactly the same,
He's got his Cornhusker tanks, his Cornhusker Ts
and his Cornhusker polos for fancy work events,
(audience laughing)
And my husband's from New York
so he does not get this at all,
Like at our wedding, all of my people
were wearing Cornhusker ties
and all of his people were rude,
(audience laughing)
- We had a Nebraska-Texas style wedding,
which means I was knocked up,
(audience laughing)
I did it,
The hardest part was the bouquet
because you go low, or do you go high?
Or do you go low?
Just go to the,,,
(audience laughing)
- And now we live in Los Angeles,
but what we really miss about Nebraska is the food,
- The food! - L,A, food sucks you guys,
- Yeah, it's a combination of kale, air and disappointment,
(audience laughing)
See, when you go to a party in Nebraska,
you're going to bring the three Cs,
That is a coozie, a casserole and a crockpot,
(audience cheering)
And for those of you that don't know what a coozie is,
I know,
(audience cheering)
It's a personal and portable beer cooler
that generally matches your outfit,
- When you walk into the party, all the food
is going to be beige and covered in corn flakes,
When you fill your plate,
it should snap in half under the sheer weight,
Because it's not about quality, it's about quantity,
Hey Kristin, how many crockpots did you bring to the party?
- Oh, well, hold on a second, Jen,
Let me just wheel it on in here,
I made some casseroles and made a green bean casserole,
- And? - Potato chicken casserole,
- And? - A tuna casserole,
- And? - A tater tot casserole,
- [Jen] And? - I brought a crockpot full of pork and beans,
- And? - And I made some dips,
I've got a corn dip, bean dip, queso dip, artichoke dip,
(audience laughing)
A seven-layer dip,
- And?
- A veggie tray,
(laughing)
No, I didn't bring a veggie tray, Jen,
This is a party,
- All right, well let me take
your huge puffer coat off you there,
- Oh, yeah, let me just get that off there,
Let me just ,,, oh, yeah,
- Plug your crockpots in over there on the power strip,
- Okay, I'll just plug that power strip here,
I'm just going to (making buzzing noise),
Oh, no, oh shit,
- Blew a fuse, - Oh, shit,
- Hey, Brandon, Bryce, Brian, Brent, Brett, blew a fuse,
- AJ, JB, JC, JE, JJ, and Skyler,
get your butt down to the basement,
No funny business,
That means don't show each other your business,
- Oh, that reminds me, I've got a dessert chilling
in the deep freeze in the basement,
- Oh, I bet that's right next to the venison, I suppose,
(audience laughing)
- And that dessert is going to be one dessert
made up of three separate and complete desserts
that could stand alone but are combined for some reason,
Like my mom has a Butter Finger
Nutter Butter brownie recipe,
and she's a healthcare professional,
- God,
Let's cheers to your mom,
How about this? Let's cheers to all the moms tonight,
- Here's to all you moms,
- Yes, Yes, cheers to you,
I know we have all kinds of moms in the house,
I bet we have grandmas and single moms and step-moms,
Do we have any military moms here tonight?
(audience cheering and applauding)
Let's here it for our military,
Let's give a cheers to our teachers,
(audience cheering and applauding)
How about our nurses,
(audience cheering and applauding)
Hey, okay, let's keep the party going,
How about dads and husbands?
(audience lightly applauding and murmuring)
- Or as I like to call them, our designated drivers,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Yeah, Yes,
Wait, no real quick,
Do we have any single dudes in the house?
Do we have any,,,
(audience laughing)
- Two of you,
- Jen, travel with me,
We've found a genius,
- Yeah,
You two are good at math,
- Yeah, But you might not make it out of here alive,
You could light this place up on all this estrogen,
- I'm going to drop an egg or get my period any second,
(audience laughing)
- What are you talking about?
By the end of this, we're all gonna cycle up,
(audience laughing)
Oh, did I get it?
It's early, It's early,
Shit, It's early,
- Boy, That makes me want to drink up,
- Oh my God,
- My good steakhouse pour, come on,
- My hand is literally hurting,
It's like shaking,
It's a Jen pour,
You know what this is?
- Hold on, I'll tell you exactly,
- She'll tell you the SKU number,
(audience laughing)
This is hope in a glass,
(audience cheering)
- For me, it's hope that I can go into Target
and just get the stuff on my damn list,
- Hope that I find my keys in the door
before I blame my children,
- Hope that I learn how to use my curling wand
and stop burning the shit out of my neck,
- Hope that my husband never feels the need
to give me another tutorial on how to wrap a computer cord,
- Hope that I'll be acne free by the time I hit menopause,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Hope that my mom stops using phrases like
"I was watching the kids
"and I noticed a couple of red flags,"
(audience laughing)
What? I was just telling you,
I was just telling you,
- Hope that my pubic hair is just growing in blonde,
(laughing)
My lady,
Hope that my breastfeeding boobs
come back without the breastfeeding part,
- Yay!
(audience cheering)
- Oh! And hope that we're just raising decent humans,
- Yes, yes, Alright,
- Like I tell my kids, Mommy's going to love you
no matter what kind of surgeon you become,
(audience laughing)
- And if you become a chiropractor, that's fine,
- Not in my house,
Look, we realize that women are under a lot of pressure,
especially moms, which is why we started #IMomSoHard,
- Right, Not to be confused with the web series,
My Mom Is So Hard,
(audience laughing)
It's a whole different show,
- Yeah, You want to make sure you've got Google SafeSearch
turned on if you look us up on a work device,
But you know what?
I think it's nice that somebody
appreciates moms in that way,
- Okay, I'll drink to that,
This one will drink to anything,
- But does anyone else enjoy a glass of wine at night?
- Yes,
- All right, I'm not alone, but I am an adult
so I do have certain guidelines,
Like, I don't start drinking until 5 p,m,
Greenland Standard time,
And that is red wine because white wine
you can start a lot earlier because it's refreshing,
Like especially if it's a weekend or a holiday
or a teacher in service,
But my nightly poison is a cheap red wine,
but I limit myself to half a bottle max,
It is a Costco size bottle,
And sometimes I'll be doing a craft project
and I lose track and I have a whole bottle
and sometimes I'll be at book club and I'll have two,
but I feel like I deserve it
because I found time to read a book,
- Yes, yes,
That is not a drinking problem,
That is a drinking solution,
- Thank you, I don't know what my mom did without wine,
She must've done bourbon,
- She had to do something,
- She liked her drinks hard and straight,
which is how I like my men,
(audience laughing)
That's not true, Just willing is how I like my men,
But hard and straight is how my mom
likes to give her advice,
She's one of those, I'll call her after a long day
and she'll go, "Oh Jenny, I'd love to tell you
"it gets better, but life is shitty,"
(audience laughing)
- My mom didn't drink wine either,
My mom has two favorite things,
Margaritas, Thank you,
And wearing T-shirts that tell you
where she's at in her life,
(audience laughing)
When she was going through menopause,
she wore a shirt that said,
"They're not hot flashes, They're power surges,"
(audience laughing)
And now when I say things,
I hear her voice come out of my mouth,
Especially when I say like,
"This is why I can't have nice things,"
(audience laughing)
Or, "God damn it, these children never listen to me,"
Or, "Just leave Mommy alone to watch her show
"because this is all I have,"
(audience laughing)
"Now move, Move! Move!"
(audience laughing)
Calm down Terry,
Who am I to get between you,
Bobby Ewing and Remington Steele,
- Do you guys remember Simon and Simon?
- Yes,
- My mom wanted a Simon and Simon sandwich,
And I don't blame her,
While she was watching them, I was in the other room
very aggressively adjusting my inseam to Bo Duke,
(audience laughing)
- I liked Bo Duke, And Luke Duke,
And sometimes Daisy made me feel weird,
(audience laughing)
But do you want to know who my first crush was?
Like my first real crush?
And you know your first real crush
because you can feel your heartbeat here and here,
It's like (making pulsing sounds),
I can see you turning away in shame,
(audience laughing)
Don't turn away in shame,
Join me in the car pool of openness,
Listen, we're in the car pool lane,
We're sharing, we're getting to know each other,
Maybe you feel shame because we had a crush on the same guy
at the same time, who knows,
My crush was very famous,
It's possible,
His name: William Zabka,
You don't know who that is?
"Sweep the leg, Johnny" from "Karate Kid,"
(audience laughing and cheering)
Oh my God, Yes, yes,
Yes!
He's still so hot,
I wrote him a letter in third grade
and I told him if he picked me up for school
in his Corvette, I'd be his girlfriend,
(audience laughing)
- Kristin, nobody likes him,
Everybody liked Ralph Macchio,
- No, no, no!
He's just a misunderstood member of the Cobra Kai,
- I get that,
I thank God all the time for unanswered prayers,
Otherwise, I would be married to C,C, DeVille
of the band "Poison" right now,
(audience cheering)
- Jen, that looks like you,
(audience laughing)
Is that your senior picture?
- Look at that five o'clock shadow?
It looks like you,
- Shut up,
- He's a beautiful poet,
You don't understand him,
- "Talk dirty to me,"
- That's the language of my people,
- Well, we just have very different tastes in guys,
- Yeah, because you like bad boys,
- And you like guys with the long hair and eyeliner,
- Which is why we both love-- - Love--
- Khal Drogo, - Khal Drogo
Put up a huge picture of him,
Look there,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Oh, boy,
- Oh, - What are you doing?
(audience cheering and applauding)
Okay, okay, okay,
- Get underneath there, like behind it,
- I feel like that's not how,,,
I would climb that like a jungle gym,
(audience cheering)
Every time I look at pictures of him,
my Fitbit asks me, are you dying?
(audience laughing)
- Just to be totally clear, there is not one part of me
that would actually have sex with him,
- There is one part of me that would,
(audience laughing)
- For one, it would ruin my life,
And for two, it would ruin all future expectations
I ever had for sex, ever, ever, ever again,
But I would totally watch him with somebody else,
(audience laughing)
- Is that gross? - No, This is a safe space,
(audience laughing)
- Hear me out, I sort of feel like,
it's like how you get stuck online
watching one of those cake decorating videos, you know,
And you're like, oh, wow, I don't have the skill
or the equipment to pull that off,
(audience laughing)
But I could watch somebody else
doing a good job of it for hours and hours,
- That's funny, that's funny,
That is smart,
That is very, very smart,
But let's be honest,
I don't have time for fantasies,
I could be in the middle of the most excellent fantasy
with that guy and all of a sudden I stop
and think to myself, shit,
did I drop off that permission slip to my kids' school?
(audience laughing)
- No,
- And you know I didn't,
You know it's in the bottom of my mom bag,
It's covered in Cheetos,
- Yep, You blotted your lipstick on it,
- Yep, you know I gave the school a receipt
and I kept the permission slip
because that's how things are going for me,
- Yeah, It's wet, - It's wet,
I don't know why everything in the bottom of my mom bag
is wet all the time, but it's always wet,
Is anybody else's mom bag a total disaster most of the time?
- Yes, Yes, - Thank you, Thank you,
I'm going to come down and look in your bag
because I need to feel normal,
- Yes, And I'm gonna stand right here
and ask her to bring your mom bag to me because I'm lazy,
- So hey, you're giving me two bags right away,
- Just bring it on up here,
Let me see what kind of bag, oh, nice,
- Hi, these are nice bags,
You guys are, what the hell is this?
Is this a cool?
- That one is no joke, that's heavy,
That's a heavy bag,
Jeez Louise,
- Let me get that, let me get that,
- Somebody's got like a car in here or something,
- This is real cool, I'm just going to see if anybody
has anything that I want here,
I'm going to have that, I'm going to have that,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- This woman, she just handed me a Louis Vuitton,
Somebody gives blow jobs,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Somebody does not,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Oh, oh,
Excuse me, someone does butt stuff,
(audience cheering and applauding)
Wow, Look at this,
- [Kristin] Holy shit,
- You're a renaissance woman, aren't you?
- [Kristin] Oh my God,
- Wow, - Oh my God,
You guys, so she's like, you know why
she has to wear Chicago Bears sweatband?
Because this bag weighs like 400 pounds,
(audience laughing and cheering)
- This woman has got white wine spilled all over this,
but don't worry, I've got refreshing wipes,
- [Kristin] Don't you worry, - See, it's a cleaner up bag,
Ready,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Oh, yep, I had something on my,
did you get the front of your sweater?
Because the front of yours was, oh,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Here, You're going to want to rinse that out, Kristin,
with some of Pinot Grigio,
(audience laughing)
- Wine in a can, it never feels right,
- No, Oh boy,
Hold on everybody, hold on,
We've got a super plus, a super plus, a super plus,
a super plus, a liner, a liner, a liner,
Are you okay?
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, Keep one of those,
keep one of those, Day three for me,
- Okay, okay,
Kristin, this bag makes me so happy,
Number one, it's a backpack and it's got fringe on it,
- Oh, I know who this is,
- [Jen] Yeah, - Do you know who this is?
This is pot mom,
- [Jen] Yeah,
(audience laughing)
- Hey, do you know what problems pot mom has? None,
(audience laughing)
- Are you high because they have an entire dinner
that you could eat if you wanted to,
Like there's some potatoes in here,
There's like smashed potatoes,
There's some mushrooms,
There's mac and cheese,
That's good,
- What the hell?
Oh God,
I don't want to seem rude,
but I feel like if you have this problem seeing,
if you actually clean them,
it would be better for you in general,
(audience laughing)
It literally looks like all of you are ghosts right now,
They're not readers,
You are not reading,
No, you're not,
You probably think you have a problem,
I have your pad,
Hey, I just cleaned,
Now look, don't be embarrassed,
This is my friend,
This is the kind I use too,
You know what I call these these?
This is called a day three-er, okay,
(audience laughing)
- [Jen] Me too,
(audience laughing and applauding)
- At this point, you don't give a fuck what anybody thinks,
You're just trying to protect the upholstery,
- Yeah,
- It's like, thanks Trader Joe's guy,
Keep your opinion to yourself,
Let's give a big round of applause for the ladies
who let us look in their bags,
(audience applauding and cheering)
- Oh, this one, thank you,
I use like a bag from the 99 cent store,
- Let me get this bag, - That one's heavy,
Oh, come on!
- Ugh! You need to watch your back
because that's going to blow a disc straight up,
- I know, I'm worried,
And that one, you better get organized,
- You're metaphorically carrying around a lot of baggage
and you got to let go of some stuff,
- You got to Marie Kondo that shit, That's a,,,
- Oh, man, We go through a lot of bags
and every time I find a tampon,
I can't help but think of my dad,
Quick story,
When I was growing up, I was really close with my dad,
He was my best friend and I could ask him anything,
And then I went through puberty and I started my period,
So I went to my dad,
And I said, "Hey Dad, how far up
"do you have to push a tampon,,,
(audience laughing)
,,,so it doesn't fall out when you walk?"
(audience laughing)
And in that moment, he looked like he was breaking in half
and smelling something bad at the exact same,
"Oh, oh, Oh,
"Hold on, I'm not ready,
"Hold on, I'm not ready, I'm not ready,
"I'm not ready, oh my God,
"Blood is so gross,
"So God, ugh,
"I think you've got to talk to your mother about this
"because I don't know anything about your uterus,
I just, I don't know about it,"
- Okay, here's what I don't get about that,
As long as we're a nation that's okay with chrome testicles
hanging off the back of trucks
(audience laughing)
can we please be okay talking about periods?
(audience cheering)
In my opinion, periods are proof positive
that women are the stronger gender, you guys,
(audience cheering and applauding)
As a species, we should not have survived this long,
Like, think of what a cave woman had to deal with,
Like Kristin, will you be a cave woman on her raging period?
(audience laughing)
It feels like your wheel house,
(audience laughing)
- Okay, You want me to be a cave woman on a raging period?
- Yeah, And I'll be like a BBC guy,
- Okay,
- Like a demonstration,
- Okay,
(audience laughing)
- A cave woman prowls the Serengeti foraging for food,
She carries in tow her three young savage offspring,
They refuse to eat the berries
they were perfectly fine eating just yesterday,
(audience laughing)
A pride of saber-toothed tigers stalks her,
Her menses like a beacon,
Bear, sharks, predators of all kinds,
they relentlessly pursue her,
She must fight them away while protecting
her unappreciative young,
She must run from them,
She must do the running man,
(audience laughing)
She must do the Roger Rabbit,
Yet somehow she survives!
(audience cheering and applauding)
She survives!
And a dude wouldn't survive a day
at an auto show on his period, like,
they would have to set up triage tents everywhere
or they would all die from toxic shock syndrome,
(audience laughing and applauding)
- We should celebrate periods,
When you open a box of tampons, a high five should fly out,
Tampons should be like fortune cookies,
You open them, there's a positive message inside,
Hang in there, girl, this won't kill you,
Don't divorce him, you're just hormonal,
- Or, hey, at least you're not pregnant,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Now listen, I do have to give my husband credit
because he is bought me almost every box of tampons
I've needed for like the last eight years,
That's pretty awesome, right?
Hold on, I'm going to throw him under the bus,
(audience laughing)
Last week he bought a multi-pack,
A multi-pack,
Half of those tampons are for a 16-year-old's vagina,
(audience laughing)
They're cute,
They're sporty,
They're covered in pink paper,
There's a soccer ball on the side,
(audience laughing)
You open them and glitter and butterflies fly out,
(audience laughing)
Um,,,
What am I supposed to do with that?
Do I have a paper cut?
(audience laughing)
That looks like the end of a Q-tip,
(audience laughing)
How am I supposed to keep that in?
I don't have the core strength,
(audience laughing)
Hey, tampon makers, how about
you make a multi-pack for moms?
(audience cheering)
Start with super, then super plus,
then super fucking ridiculous,
(audience laughing)
- Before I had kids, my period was adorable,
My visitor would like, magically appear with an umbrella
like Mary Poppins and then three days later,
disappear again,
And now my visitor's this real angry dude,
I did something to piss him off and like,
he just got out of jail or something,
(audience laughing)
- His name's Trevor (in manly voice),
Bam, bam, bam,
What's up?
- What are you doing here, Trevor?
You were just here,
You were literally just here,
It doesn't even make sense you're back so soon,
- Hey Jen, Where do you think
you're going in those sweet white pants?
(audience laughing)
- To a baby shower with everybody from work,
- I heard you're going to a waterpark tomorrow,
(audience laughing)
I think we should meet at the top of the slide,
And go down tandem,
(audience laughing)
- Come on Trevor,
It's my wedding anniversary weekend away,
- Sweet, I'll make us a reservation for a couple's massage,
(groaning)
- All right! Knock it off, Trevor,
I haven't worn light colored underwear in like 10 years,
- Well, don't worry about it, Jen,
I won't be stopping by regularly much longer,
- Hey, that's not what I mean,
I still want you to visit, I'm still very young,
Let's talk about how young I am,
- Nope, From here on out, I'm going to send over
my Uncle Perry,
(audience laughing)
- Who's Uncle Perry?
- Perimenopausal,
He's Italian,
(audience laughing)
He's real hot cold,
We'll see how you like him,
He wears a visor, fanny pack, Tevas with socks,
He has a real dry sense of humor,
(audience laughing)
- Well, he dresses exactly like Kristin does,
- Shut up, shut up,
I got to go Jen,
I got to go, I got to go,
Enjoy your new beard,
(audience laughing)
- It's just one hair,
But speaking of beards, say hi to Kristin for me,
Uncle Perry,
- Hey, I am not menopausal,
I'm just Czechoslovakian,
(audience cheering)
Thank you,
I was born hairy,
- She could legit change her name to President Bush,
- Hey, I like the way president sounds,
Maybe I'll invite all of you into my Oval Office,
(audience laughing)
That's so gross,
But in my 20s, this would have looked like
an episode of West Wing,
People just coming in and out,
(audience laughing)
Now, that's gross,
But not untrue because I did my 20s right,
(audience laughing)
- I also entertained many foreign dignitaries
in my rose garden,
- Are foreign dignitaries and bartenders the same thing?
- I made some mistakes, but didn't we all?
- Yes, yes,
- Then we met our husbands and now everything's great,
(audience laughing)
- Yup,
(audience laughing)
We got married,
- Good times,
- It's so much more fun now,
I knew my husband was perfect for me the day we met,
We were laying in bed
(audience laughing)
and I looked into his eyes and I said,
"Oh my gosh, this is the first time
I've ever dated anyone with facial hair,"
And he looked back into my eyes and said, "Me too,"
(audience laughing)
- They say the wrong thing,
- They say dumb things,
- I remember when my husband and I were first dating,
I felt this immediate connection to him
and I worked up the courage and I asked him,
"Hey, do you think we're in love?"
And he goes, "Oh, I thought you were going to ask
if you could give me a hand job,"
(audience laughing)
Who asks if they can give someone a hand job?
- They would never say no, - They would never say no,
You could be in the middle of the grocery store
and they're like, this seems like a perfect time,
Just walk in front of it, just walk in front of it,
Just touch it and don't waste it, it's out,
Don't waste it, it's here,
Just walk in front of it, just walk in front of it,
- What did I find right here? What's this? - Oh, it's out,
- The kids are brushing their teeth,
Just touch it for just two seconds,
- Two seconds, - Just touch it,
- Just two seconds, It's never two seconds,
It's 11 minutes and carpal tunnel,
(audience laughing and cheering)
You guys rethinking some stuff over here?
(audience laughing)
Oh man,
- Different in the beginning,
- Yes, Because in the beginning
it's all about like humping and appetizers,
- So fun,
- You overlook their flaws and then you get married
and then you have kids, and their flaws come rushing back,
- So many,
- I will tell you, this helps,
(audience laughing and applauding)
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
My husband has a 30% greater chance of getting some action
if I drink this,
(audience laughing and applauding)
- That's because wine lowers your standards,
(audience laughing)
This is why I always think I'm doing great,
- Yes, by the look of this audience,
there's going to be some happy husbands tonight, I feel,
We might even get some thank you emails,
I don't know what you did to my wife, but it was great,
- Look, I don't think anybody wants
to talk about married sex,
- It'll be a real short conversation,
- Look, it'll be an efficient conversation
and it has to be,
Like what with kids and schedules
and all the online shopping
you're trying to get done at night,
And even if you're not buying anything,
you still put it in your Amazon cart
so you remember it for later, and then you get into bed
and you're like, something smells like poop,
(audience laughing)
Is it me?
It's not them, it's just life,
- Sometimes it's them,
My husband has the world's worst timing,
I could have a wad of Desitin on my finger,
I've got a sick kid over here,
I'm on the phone to the pediatrician,
and he'll walk by and wipe his boner on me,
(audience laughing)
I'm sorry, Doctor Man, can you please repeat that?
(audience laughing)
What am I? A Swiss Army knife?
You want me to do that too?
- Well, yes, because women are so good at multi-tasking,
However, I can't have a conversation with my husband
while he microwaves chili,
- He's like, hey, can I just--
- Whoa, ah! Ugh!
Kristin, will you not talk about your husband's boner
because I see him all the time and I don't want the visual,
- Let me give you a visual,
When my husband and I finally do decide to do it,
we rip off our clothes and we race to the bed
as fast as we can just to see
who does not have to be on top,
(audience laughing)
No, no, I was here,
No, I was here,
No, my back hurts,
My back hurts,
No, no, no kissing, my breath is bad,
No kissing, Fine,
I'm into it, I'm into it,
- Look, I'll do it, I just don't want to do it,
Like, I don't want to show off,
We're married,
I don't want to reverse cowboy,
I was at the book fair at school for four hours today,
(audience laughing)
- Listen, I think us women, especially us moms,
I think we get a bad rap about sex
because sometimes it's just hard to feel sexy,
especially after you've had a baby,
Because there are things that happen to your body
that nobody tells you about,
- Everybody fails to mention
that you're going to get male pattern baldness,
Mine grew back in white,
- She looks like a wizard,
- And then you breastfeed a couple of kids
and your nipples start to look like barnacles,
Like you would pay some dude to scrape them off your boat
so you didn't have to deal with it,
(audience laughing)
And then my C-section scar's this real unhappy guy,
He's frowning to one side like a disgruntled employee,
Like, hmm, this isn't what I signed up for,
- Well, if your C-section scar looks like it's frowning,
my vagina looks like that famous painting, The Scream,
Aaaaaah!
(audience laughing)
But the part that takes the biggest hit
and it's the hardest to explain is the stomach,
- Oh yeah,
And it does not matter what size you are--
- Nope, - Or started out as--
- Nope, - They all do the same thing,
And that's this,
(makes farting noise)
- It's like a bagel that gave up,
- Mine's sort of like a zip lock bag full of wet oatmeal,
Just like,,,
- Yeah, Yeah, it's like that but that's not exactly right,
It's hard to find the words because it's like,
it's high, but it's low,
- Yeah, - It's wide, but it's narrow,
- It's creepy but saggy, - Sad, It's kind of dead,
- Dead,
- But alive,
It's hard to explain it,
- It's probably easier if we just show it to you,
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Uh oh, - Uh oh,
Is that a T-Rex?
- There's a T-Rex coming,
- Is that, are we in Jurassic Park?
- It's sort of like I had a baby,
but the baby forgot it's windbreaker in there,
(audience laughing and cheering)
- I really enjoy mine now because my sides match the front,
So it's not really a midsection,
It's more of a mid sectional,
(audience laughing)
I get two delightful options with mine,
I can either hike my pants up really high
and then I get a sweet camel toe,
This is where I like to focus all of my fitness,
So I get that option,
Or, you're still laughing because it's still there,
isn't it?
It's got a mind of its own you guys,
That, or I can let it ride, you know,
in a more comfortable situation,
But the, it's on top of my legs,
Hey Jenny, I got us a table at happy hour,
Come on, let's get some cheese curds,
- Oh, okay, All right,
You know I love snacks, - I love snacks, Woo!
(audience cheering and applauding)
- My lucky husband also has two delightful options,
Yeah, he can visit my downstairs or my upper vagina,
(audience laughing)
Just doing my Kegels,
(audience laughing)
Or if he's feeling real kinky,
he can visit my old man butt hole,
(laughing loudly)
Are you talking to me?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm talking to you,
I noticed you from across the room,
(audience laughing)
- How could you not?
- If I saw you on Tinder, I would swipe right,
- I find you attractive in a realistic
standards of beauty kind of way,
- Hey, thanks for saying that because
I've really been feeling the pressure of social media,
Be nice to yourself,
- You be nice to yourself,
- No, you get in here and tummy hug me,
- You want some of this?
- I want some of that,
(audience laughing and cheering)
- Oh, that feels nice,
Serious question,
How many boners out there?
(audience laughing and applauding)
- Are you having a good time?
(audience laughing and applauding)
This is our favorite part of the show
because you guys ask us questions and we answer them,
And let me just tell you,
you guys are living your best lives,
Some of you are very active, - Yeah,
- You're active with your partners and we're proud of you
and we are not you,
- Yep, We're ashamed of us,
- Alison, This might be my favorite card ever
because you're awesome,
So Alison from Brookfield,
(audience cheering)
Alison, there's so much truth to this,
She goes, "Can you be sure to make sure
"this show lasts until my husband is asleep?"
(audience laughing and cheering)
- [Audience Member] We love you Alison!
- Yeah, listen, - Yes,
- There's more,
Why do you guys take an hour to take a shit?
Hey guys, it really only takes them eight minutes,
They're hiding the rest of the time,
- [Jen] Yeah, - Because whenever they have to take a shit
is when it's the busiest time of day for us,
- Yes, - Like if I'm--
- Walking out the door to school,
- Hey, hey, can I just, I just need to get by you,
I know you're working with three kids right now,
I just need to get, I don't want to get a tummy ache,
- Oh, sorry, - I don't want to get a tummy ache,
- Oh, I'm looking for shoes, You could make lunches,
- No, no, nope, I got to go Jen, I got to get in there,
I got to like everybody's Facebook posts,
- And everybody's coat is missing,
- No, I can't help you right now,
I got to, my tummy, my tummy ache,
- We're already eight minutes late,
- I got to poo poo, I got to poo poo,
I'm just going to shut the door for the next 57 minutes,
- Okay,
(audience laughing)
- You know how us moms go poop?
We go, oh God, oh God, oh God,
(audience applauding)
- I don't have time to wipe, but I sort of,
my theory is that it would take about an hour
to poop out what smells like a dead body,
(audience laughing)
- Yeah,
- I don't know what-- - What are they eating?
- Wings? Just hot wings? I don't know,
- Yeah, and then my husband sometimes
flips on the heater instead of the fan
and I think he does it on purpose,
(audience laughing)
- That just bakes it into the walls,
- All right,
Tori, she says, "I need some advice, dot, dot, dot,
"My two and a half year old is a monster,
(audience laughing)
"90% of the time he screams, he hits
"and only wants to drink milk and eat snacks,
What can I do?"
Nothing,
Tori, I hate to tell you this,
He's just preparing for the threes,
- Yeah, Developmentally, he's exactly on track,
- [Kristin] He's on track,
- Unfortunately, your pediatrician
leaves all of that off the charts,
- Yeah, Here's what you're going to see
and probably ask yourself,
Is my son a sociopath?
(audience laughing)
And the answer is maybe,
- I think the answer is probably around age three
they start acting like Ted Bundy,
- It's true,
I know that doesn't sound encouraging,
but they're just trying to figure out how to off you
because you get in the way of their fun,
- Fun, yeah,
And they know like what you care about and what you like
and they can really fuck with your head,
- Yes, But by that time, a new birthday comes around,
which is the fours, which is a delightful time
because they have so many words
and all of them mean fuck off,
- Yeah,
- And they're big so that means--
- They're big and they're fast and they're strong,
- If they're having like a temper tantrum at Target,
there's nothing you can do,
- There's nothing,
You can move around some displays,
You can say, I don't know why this small man
is having a tantrum,
And you just have to see it through,
You have to look at them and go, I am choosing to love you,
(audience laughing)
I am choosing love,
- I am choosing to call security on you
and act like you belong to somebody else,
- I'll call security so fast it'll be like,
is this person bothering you?
I'm like, yes, as a matter of fact, they are,
- They've been following me around the whole entire store
just putting dumb shit in my cart,
- Yeah, I've caught him stealing,
so if you could put him in your office
until I'm done shopping, that works out great,
- Be able to finish my coffee,
- See, but the good news is, after the fours,
after they've learned how to tell you,
you know yourself many times, they turn five,
which means kindergarten,
which means they're somebody else's problem,
(audience applauding and cheering)
So hang in there,
It's only going to get worse
and then it gets a tiny bit better,
- Yeah,
- How often do you lie to your kids?
I actually try very hard not to lie to my kids,
But, you know,
- Yeah, it's hard to remember what you told them,
This one has no problem lying to her husband,
- Yeah, I'll lie to my husband,
I won't lie to my kids, but I will lie to my husband,
- But it's not an innocent like,
oh, I spent too much at Marshalls,
It's like a big old lie,
- I'm going to kill you,
- She told her husband that she has a medically small mouth,
(audience laughing)
And she has a note from her dentist,
- It's not a lie,
I went to my dentist and he was like,
hey, you have a really small mouth,
And I said, can you put that in a note?
(audience laughing)
- Then she had it laminated, had it hanging up on the wall,
- Had it laminated, Framed,
My husband comes in, he's like,
hey babe, do you want to?
It's my birthday,
And I'm like, God yes, I want to so bad,
(audience laughing)
It's so fun,
I get so much out of it,
But I can't because I have a note,
(audience laughing and cheering)
Don't go to your dentist tomorrow,
- Yeah, it'll look suspicious,
- We have one more video for you, so don't go anywhere,
We'll be right back,
(audience cheering and applauding)
I have to wear Spanx because we're friends,
Every time I come over here,
there's something beige and delicious,
- Speaking of beige and delicious, boom,
- See, you can have all this and still eat casserole,
- All you got to do is wear three Spanx,
- Did you know that these have like a thing in the crotch
that you're suppose to, - I'm trying not to look,
- There's a hole there, - What did I just say?
- You're supposed to like, pee out of there
but like, it would look like a broken sprinkler head,
- What is this? - It's like medieval,
- If you took that off and that thing hit your hoo haw, you would be,,,
- Look at how much she's touching my vagina you guys,
If this son of a gun snapped, it could take off a labia,
One size fits all, really?
Because some girls wear this as a dress at the night club
like hey, hey girl, hey,
- That is no joke, that is serious,
- What size is this?
- Whatever, it doesn't matter, Small,
- Are you sucking in?
- I'm sucking in as hard as I can,
- Kristin, I'm trying to put it on the tightest one,
- Okay,
- Can you please put your foot up
so everyone can see that you have sneakers on?
(audience laughing)
- I am physically sweating,
I don't care anymore,
- Let me see,
I'm seriously so hot right now,
It's not even funny,
- I don't feel very good,
Ugh, it's like my organs and my uterus
are like trying to escape down the, out of the hole,
- Wait, did you, did you--
- It's supposed to make my body look like
it has an hourglass figure,
but it's like an hour and a half,
(jazz music)
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Oh, you know what, it looked so good,
- Did it look great? - It looked really good,
- All right, - You did like two full ones,
- You can do it, I can't do it,
- It was really good, - So good,
- Let's just,,, Because it's like--
- I know what you mean, - We're tired,
Boom!
(audience cheering and applauding)
- Thank you!
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