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Underwear Stampede Christmas Sale!
Best price on LCD TV's!
Only today!
MUG
Turn that shit off!
Fuck, man! You'll bust up the TV,
Slow down! Stop!
Get a move on, bro! Over here!
This way! In the stable!
C'mon!
Get 'er in there! Give 'er a push!
Faster! That's it! C'mon!
C'mon, bro! C'mon, c'mon!
Fuck, man! You bored or what?
Want a piece of this pitchfork? Take that!
Come at me!
Back to work! Move it,
Chow!
300, 400, 500,,,
600, 620, We're short,
We're 400 short for the pig,
- The Christmas pig,,, - Cough up, bro!
- I'm gonna fuck you up, man! - Cough up the money!
The money! You didn't chip in, You're holding out on us,
I don't fucking have to,
The fuck!
So you're not eating anything for Christmas dinner?
No,
I know why you're holding out,
You want to go abroad, wise guy, Where do you want to go?
- The Smoke, - Smoke, my ass, London, England,
- What do you,,, - Do you know any English?
- You are loser, - What?
The fuck you want to go there for? They're not letting immigrants in now,
They've wised up to that shit, So why the fuck?
Get it? You're Polish!
Get that into your head! Poles belong in Poland!
- Are you Polish? - I am,
I'd go there too if I could,
- You'd go where? - I would too,
- Do you know any other language? - I could learn,
Sure, pigspeak and cowspeak,
- Why're you riding him like that? - What's your problem?
You're on his case because he's got prospects, What do you have?
What fucking prospects? Washing dishes?
I can't stand the sight of you anymore, I can't even listen to you,
I know, I know what you're up to,
Your brother's going to England because he's saving up,
and I bet you're chipping in, and then he'll bring you over there,
Because he's family, and I ain't shit,
- Not with the way you're acting,,, - What's going on here?
Shut up, you'll give Mom a heart attack! Yo, yo Sis!
Quiet, I said!
- Take the kid! - Go to your room!
Fuck off to England, all of you!
Go! I'm staying right here,
- Quiet, she's gone, - Have a drink,
Go wherever the fuck you want,
Fuck! I keep telling 'em,,,
Who mixed this concrete?
Fuck this! What the fuck is this shit!
I fucking told you!
Make the fucking concrete less coarse!
I don't understand what you're saying,
Don't you fucking speak Polish?
Of course you do, Don't talk Gypsy to me!
Look what you've fucking done,
You calling your friend?
You're goofing off all the time, I fucking see you,
I don't understand what you're saying, Fuck!
Enough!
Gypsy, seek! Good boy!
Get down!
Is it straight?
Get off!
Gypsy! Gypsy!
Where's Jesus?
- Get off the grave, Gypsy! - Git!
I don't understand,
- Miss, get him a,,, - But I don't understand,
What do you want?
Jesus! Hallelujah!
Lemme some change for a nip,
- Don't disrespect him, - Serve them!
I'll come and pick you up tonight,
Bye, Gypsy,
Hop in! Stay!
What the fuck?
C'mon down!
I'm not getting on that, you're insane,
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Go to church, assholes!
Go to church!
- Fuck off! - Fuck off, you peasants!
Eat a dick, you fucking yokels!
Slowly, easy does it!
- This way, - Leggo, she's fine!
That's it, good,,,
Go go go!
Where you going? Not that way!
This empty seat at the table is there for Christ:
Christ who lives in our neighbor,
Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these My brethren,
ye have done it unto me, said Christ,
The Son of God is born, and He is love,
That is why we cannot leave our fellow man out in the cold,
And this empty seat is a symbol of our open hearts,
that welcome the weary traveler, Amen,
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen,
My wish for you is stop fooling around, start dressing proper,
look like a human being, not some monkey in a zoo,
But I love you all the same,
They say you have to wish people well, Well, I wish you'd get your shit together,
cut your hair, and stop looking like a cunt,
- And I wish you good health, - She's a bitch,
Good health!
May you get married, have children,
So I can have grandkids,
Because you're my darling son,
All the best!
Stay free, Stay the way you are,
and leave this house, and go far, far away,
Here, You're out, have some of mine,
A Jew, a Muslim and a Black dive off a tall building,,, who wins?
- Well? - Society!
Speaking of food,
This Roma kid says to his mother: "Ma, I wanna shit!"
And she goes: "Hold on! I'll slice you off a piece,"
,,,and if you were in Switzerland you'd be euthanized already,
But here you are at this fucking table, Here's to you, Grandpa!
And to the lovely ladies - none of whom are here,
Cheers, Grandpa!
Here's to euthanasia!
Now you nailed it,
One more thing, dearly beloved, Before we go back to singing carols,
I would like to thank all of you
for your work, your help, and your donations
towards our statue of Jesus Christ,
our Almighty Lord, King of Poland,
My wish, for all of us,
is for the work to be finished safely
so that, this spring, we have the world's largest
monument of its kind,
Our Christ will be even larger than the one in Rio de Janeiro,
Let us sing,
God is born and might is shaken,
Lord of Heaven lying naked!
Fire frozen, brightness dimming,
he is boundless yet has limits,
He was scorned yet crowned with glory,
Mortal is the King of Ages,
and the Word was made flesh
and dwelt among us,
Fetch, fetch!
C'mere, c'mere! Good boy!
Will you be my wife?
- Your wife? - Yeah,
- Seriously? - Yup,
Snaggletooth,
Look at your wife!
That's it! Now look at your husband!
Right! We're good!
It's OK now,
Better than that,
it's outstanding,
Death!
Death, death!
Satanist! Satanist!
Jacek! Jacek!
It's gonna be ok!
Can you hear me?
Jacek, can you hear me?
It's gonna be ok! We made it,
Jacek, we all are there for you,
It's gonna be all right,
Wait! We'll take one from the side
to show the suture,
- It looks very good, I mean it, - Let me get a closeup, Hold on!
Super!
We had to put construction on hold,
Never mind, You're alive, that's what matters, It's a miracle,
The Good Lord wanted it that way, Christ wanted it that way,
It's a miracle,
Christ is giving you a second chance, it's like you're born again,
He cares about you, that's the way you should see it,
Maybe you have something important left to do,
But people will be asking questions, they'll be wondering who to blame,
You know how people are,
Jacek, join us, will you?
How do you feel? What was it like,
seeing your new face for the first time?
Can you see well, Jacek?
- We'll take questions later, - Jacek,,,
- Can you speak clearly? - Thank you,,,
Jacek! How did your family react,
when they saw you for the first time?
Jacek will have to undergo a few more operations
before he regains all the functions he's lost,
and that's bound to take several years,
For now, Jacek can't feel his face, he has trouble swallowing,
There's a lot of rehabilitation ahead,
But there will come a time when Jacek will speak normally,
- Can I say something? - Yes,
Thank you,,,
Wait, hold on!
My brother is happy, He's fine with the face,
You'll need to take precautions,
The transplant can still be rejected,
so remember: no houseplants, no pets,
no carpets, definitely no sports,
no swimming, no sleeping face down,
He has to keep taking the immunosuppressants,
Part of it will be reimbursed, but the rest of the bills are on you,
I don't understand,
I don't understand what you said just now,
The state can't afford for every patient to have
their treatment and rehabilitation paid for,
- So we're supposed to pay for it ourselves? - That's right,
How come nobody told us?
But that's the way it's always been,
I don't know what to say,
It's the first transplantation of that kind in Europe,
We don't have the procedures in place yet,,,
What's with the masks? Take that off!
Hi, Jacek,
Mama!
Hi,
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit,
Lord, bless these, Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty,
Tomato soup, my favorite,
Mama,
Good soup,
Don't eat like a cunt, Hold it in your hand,
Can I get some chicken?
It's me,
Is Dagmara home?
No,
When will she be back?
That's me, Want an autograph?
Hey there, Jesus!
I don't know you, man,
- Wanna drink? - Who's the flowers for?
You gave me a tenner, my friend, Wanna have a drink?
- See ya, - I remember! Hello!
Don't be mad at me, My friend -
Dearly beloved! Today's collection will go towards
the rehabilitation of Jacek Kalisztan,
who has come back home to us after a long recovery,
and needs our help,
He used to help out with the construction work,
so let's now show solidarity with our fellow man,
As our Lord Jesus taught us to,
All I have, my Lord, I give you
and for you alone I live,
Jesus Lord, I love you truly
and your child I want to be,
Take my heart, O Lord, let it sing your praise,
My heart and soul, O Lord, take into your hands!
- Us too, - OK, Your turn,
This side, Thank you,
That's it for now,
Good morning, Is Dagmara home?
- Excuse me? - Is Dagmara home?
No, she's not, And don't come back,
Why so surprised? The fact is your face is fucked up,
No wonder she doesn't want you,
Do you hear me?
But I love you, I'm your sister,
And I'll do anything, whatever it fucking takes,
for the two of you to get back together,
Got that? The cunt,
- Stupid cunt, - Don't call her that,
We have Jacek's family here with us,
His brother with his wife, and his brother-in-law, And whose are the kids?
Mine,,, Me and my wife's,
It worked! We're all very happy for you,
- And what's your name? - Asia,
Asia, tell the truth, Are you scared of your uncle?
- Yes, - There's no need to be,
- And you, what's your name? - Paweł,
Paweł, how do you like your uncle's new face?
It looks better than the old one,
There you are! What a smart thing to say,
Iwona, this might be a tricky question: What was the hardest part,
of the whole story, for you personally?
The waiting, I guess,,,
And how have these events changed you?
Changed me?
What have they taught you? About life,,, about people?
I never thought about that, There was no time,
What do you think, will happen next?
Peace and quiet,
We'll have peace and quiet,
Do you love your brother very much?
I do,
And there you have genuine love, I wish you lots of strength,
- Thanks a lot, - Thank you,
- You could have smiled, - Great,
- I did smile a bit at the end, - You could have smiled more,
- You weren't looking, - All right already,,,
Cut it out, it was OK,
Here's to our celebrity!
Cheers,
My brother needs to take expensive immunosuppressants every day,
He needs rehabilitation, He can't risk getting an infection,
or catching a cold, You know that, right?
But Jacek, is only partially disfigured,
and that doesn't impair his ability to work,
There's nothing about medication here,
Besides, there are plenty of office jobs he could do,
- Right? - Of course,
He's practically blind in one eye, What office jobs? What could he do?
He could be a messenger,
The Board rules that:
1, Jacek Kalisztan is capable of undertaking part-time work,
2, He is not entitled to a disability pension,
3, The Board's decision is binding and not subject to appeal,
That will be all,
My brother says you can kiss his ass,
And so can the rest of you,
I feel horny so I put on some porn
and I start,,, you know,,,
- Self-abusing, - That's a grave sin, my son,
- But I don't want to cheat on my wife, - Watching pornography is cheating,
So what am I supposed to do?
You're too self-centred, Open up to your loved ones,
How am I supposed to open up when I have to share a bed with the kids?
My wife's not putting out because she's looking after Mug,
- Who? - My brother-in-law,
Wonder if he's getting any with that mug of his?
It's hard to say,
What we're trying for here is to push the envelope,
- We'd like Janek to be,,, - Jacek,
- Jacek, of course, I'm sorry,
We'd like Jacek to become the face of our product,
We run high-impact campaigns with unique spokespersons,
- No, - Folks!
We have a great track record, We recently did a campaign for lingerie
where we had a model with no legs, We called it "Step into the Future"
and it came out great,
No legs? What the fuck?
Excuse me?
We're not really interested, we could have problems afterwards,
You need to look at it from another angle,
It could be a boost for transplants in Poland,
That's one thing,,,
And there's some money in it for you,
Jacek! Over here! Hold the product closer,
That's it, Good,
- Are you smiling now? - Yes,
- Then don't, - Why?
Because I need you to be serious,
Up close, up close, Let me see it, Dawid,
Very nice,
Now try another face, Jacek, It has to look emotional,
Look this way, That's it!
Now look at the product, Turn it around,,,
Very nice, Now for something different, Stand straight,
Look proud, Proud you have the product,
"Smooths the skin, removes scars, relieves burns,"
Why are you looking at me like that?
It's a photo, What do I care?
Jacek has a job now, He's a model,
What do you want from me, dear?
Jacek's engaged to marry your daughter,
Oh yeah? Says who?
She'd have to be crazy, A monster like that,
The whole village is talking, He's like some space alien,
You want him to be my son-in-law? Do you?
What if the kids came out like him?
With a face like that?
But you love him,
Say you do! Don't be scared!
Go on!
I don't know,
You changed your hair,
I don't understand what you're saying,
You've changed,
I don't know who it is, Maybe it's the other one,
But it's not my son,
I feel so strange when he looks at me,
It's like the other one was looking,
He looks at you like he's some kind of pervert,
Maybe that other one was a pervert?
Will God even recognize him? With someone else's face?
Can someone like that be saved?
What have I done to deserve this?
Is this some kind of punishment?
A mother has to love her child, Especially if it's sick,
He's not my child!
It would take an exorcism, to make the other one go away,
The waiting time to see an exorcist is over a year,,,
But I know people,
I could help,
The one I know
cast the devil out of my cousin,
- Are you smiling now? - No,
Try and look more serious,
Don't blink!
Chill the fuck down!
Fuck off, you peasants!
Look at you!
I was wondering, Father, if someone used to be,,,
,,,engaged to someone and doesn't love them anymore, is that a sin?
Are you seeing anyone now, daughter?
- I am, yeah, - Are you staying pure?
- Not entirely, - What does that mean,,,
Well, don't be shy! Tell me,,, tell me!
Do you touch each other?
Some,
And where do you touch each other?
At home,
That's not what I meant, The devil is in the details,
I meant,,,
how do you touch each other,
The regular way, I guess,
Do you touch his member?
,,,with your mouth?
Go on!
Is that a sin?
I wish I could give him a hug,
He looks so much like my son,
It's like it was him,
His death was not in vain,
Pray for me and my son,
My son was a skilled handyman,
He even built me a rock pond before he died,
Maybe Jacek could come see me some time,
I'd treat him like a son,
Mrs Krystyna is taking part in a viewers' poll
for Woman of the Year,
If you want to vote for Mrs Krystyna,
text KRYSTYNA to 4456,
Sancte Michael Archangele, defende nos in praelio,
Contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium,
Lord Jesus Christ, heed my prayer and save your servant
from demonic ruination and the clutches of the noonday devil,
Heed my prayer through the intercession of Mary Thy Sorrowful and Immaculate Mother,
Let me go!
- Water! - Let me go!
- Fuck! - Water!
Fuck off you filthy cunt, I'm not letting you have him,
I command you, Satan, at this sepulchre of human salvation,
Begone from this servant of God, Begone!
I cast you out, unclean spirit, In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,
He commands you: Begone!
Imperet illi Deus, supplices deprecamur,,,
Imperet illi Deus,
supplices deprecamur:
tuque,
Film it!
Tell the truth! Do you exist or not?
Does the devil exist?
He does, he does,
Can you prove it?
Are you out of your fucking minds?
Mug! Mug!
Saint Thomas, pray for us!
Saint Matthew, pray for us!
All ye Saints, Apostles and Evangelists,
pray for us!
Saint Luke, pray for us!
Saint Mark, pray for us!
Saint Barnabas, pray for us!
Saint Mary Magdalene, pray for us!
All ye Saints, Disciples of our Lord, pray for us!
About twenty zlotys, that's all there is,
Maybe if you were at Mass more often than you are on TV,
maybe they'd give more then,
It's hard to say,
He doesn't want your money,
People are mean,
We'll get by without them, God bless,
To me, you're still the same,
Come here,
You're so strong,
You're,,, You're,,,
Come home,
Lord Jesus is approaching:
he's knocking on my door,
I'll run ahead and greet him,
my heart trembling with joy,
Paweł!
Oh joy unmitigated,
- Paweł! - Paweł, over here,
The Lord has come to me,
Look down with grace, o Jesus,
Asia!
,,,that I may welcome Thee,
Get the fuck up! He's totally shit-faced,
Get him up, Hold on,
Got him! Take the fucking chair,
Got him? Let's go,
We've got a problem,,,
- We haven't changed anything, - It's all according to the blueprints,
It looks like Christ is facing the wrong way,
Mother Mary!
It's exactly the way it was in the drawings we got from the Curia,
Like the one in Rio de Janeiro,
And which way should Christ be looking?
Rio de Janeiro?
Towards Jasna Góra, the shrine of Our Lady of Częstochowa,
Out of Poland there shall come a spark, that will prepare the world
for my Second Coming, So it is written,
Let me put it this way,
The eyes of the nation are turned to this statue,
We don't want any more unpleasant incidents,
We all remember that terrible accident, And the media circus that followed,
Let me put it this way: Do what you need to do!
And the Church will shut its eyes to your hiring Muslims here,
Gypsies aren't Muslims, Your Excellency,
I'm going down to the grave,
in the darkness I'll lay,
And I'll rest there in sorrow,
waiting for Judgment Day,
I'm going down to the grave
taking nothing with me,
just this wooden casket,
and a plain white sheet,
Just this wooden casket,
and a plain white sheet,
You bitch!
You know that Grandpa left us the field?
- What? - Yeah,
He left us the field before he died,
Which one?
- By the woods, - I heard him,
Yeah, Junior was there,
You got that on paper?
Fuck paper, We talked about it before he died,
- He said it was ours, - It's mine,
It's ours and we're building a house there, He said: Build a house there,
- I'm building a house there! - It's mine!
You can build a house there if you buy the field off me,
- What did you say, you fat fuck? - Don't fucking talk to me that way!
Fuck you, it's my field, He fucking said it was mine,
Like it's your land? Are you a Kalisztan?
My name is Kalisztan!
MUG
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