MARY: The things you need to know about Charlene,
Me and her have been thick as thieves since we were nine,
Since we met in third class,
What to say about her?
Charlene is loyal,,,
And honest and a very good person,
She's a kind of girl that,
if you're friends with her, she'll always have your back,
Not just from when fights break out but like with small things as well,
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that she's kind-hearted,
As most of you's know already,
WOMAN: Mary?
- See ya, - See ya, sweetheart,
(BELL BUZZES)
GIRLS: See ya, Mary,
(MAN ON PA): This train is serving all stations to Drogheda,
MARY: Fuck sake,
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)
Come on!
(MUSIC STOPS)
About fuckin' time,
(ENGINE STARTS)
We missed ya,
Yeah, right,
Ya know we did,
What time is Charlene coming over?
She said she's up to her eyes, She'll see ya at the fitting in the morning,
She hasn't seen me in six months,
Be nice to her, Mary,
She stood by ya this past while, A lot of them didn't, all right?
There's a picture of her dress on me phone,
Who's the other bridesmaid?
Leona,
Like to see that fat cunt fit into a dress,
She lost the weight,
I'm sure she'll find it again,
Mary!
What, Mother?
Just be nice, will ya?
- MARY: Come on, - (DOOR CLOSES)
MAN: (ON TV) Hello and welcome to a special episode of Crossfire,
where four well known personalities must avoid getting,,,
All right?
There's a load of Polish after movin' in next door,
(HOST CONTINUES CHATTING ON TV)
(PHONE RINGING)
(ON PHONE) Hi, this is Charlene,
Leave a message,
- (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) - MARY: Hey, it's me,
What's the story?
Thought we were meant to be going out tonight,
If I have to spend my first night of freedom in with me ma and nan,
I'll actually poke me eyes out,
So hurry up and get back to me,
Bye!
(MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES)
(MUSIC PLAYING IN CLUB)
I was waitin' here for an hour last week,
Fuck sake,
MAN: Come on, let's take it easy there, please,
Maybe we should get a few cans, head off somewhere else,
What are you staring at, sweet cheeks?
- Sorry, what? - "Sorry, what"?
I said, what are you staring at?
Do you want your go or somethin'?
I'll fuckin' slap the Day-Glo tits off her,
Hound,
(MURMURS INDISTINCTLY)
All right and now we got the fuckin' rat,
Mary, I'm gonna have to ask you to step outside,
I didn't do anything,
- Don't even put your hands on me, - Calm down,
- I didn't do anything, What did I,,, - Calm down,
- Tell me what I did, - You where hassling that girl,
How could I hass,,, She's the one staring at me out of it,
- Pikin' me out of it, - Will you just walk please?
Oh, you's are fuckin' fools in here,
You're after making a fuckin' show of me,
MAN: I'll ask you to step outside,
You know what, I'd advise yous all to fuck off out of here,
Run by cunts, absolute cunts,
Don't mind her,
All fuckin' knackers,
Just go home, Mary,
(MOBILE BUZZES)
(MESSAGE DINGS)
(SIGHS)
MARY: The things ya need to know about Charlene,
When me and her were in school,
all the other girls would have stayed away from us,
This is cos they knew we were tough,
And if they said anything smart they were gonna get a slap,
We didn't care though,
Cos the only people we ever wanted to hang out with was each other,
SALLY: Gorgeous,
- Do you think the length is OK? - SALLY: Perfect for dancing,,,
- Yeah? - ,,,once you wear those shoes,
- Are you definite on this? - Mmm, I'm not sure,
SALLY: Well, there's actually a bustle at the back
- that you can hook up and,,, - Alright,
- Makes it easier for dancing, - Great,
- OK, - Sorry, can I help you?
Hey,
Come here,
Oh, careful,
Em, this is Sally, the dressmaker,
This is Mary, my maid of honour,
- Hey, Mary, - And you remember Leona, don't you?
Yeah,
SALLY: Will you lift that up there for me? LEONA: Yeah,
- That's perfect, Sally, - OK,
Isn't she gorgeous?
What're you wearing?
What are you wearing?
What do you mean?
It looks like a little tablecloth,
Jesus, Mary,
What?
You smell of booze,
Yeah, well, I thought we were meant to go out last night,
Yeah, sorry, Just been a bit mad with all of this,
(SIGHS)
Missed ya,
Here, hold that,
I got you this,
- MARY: What's this for? - You've to make a speech at the weddin',
,,,and just with your accent,
- I've the same accent as you, - (SNICKERS)
What're you laughin' at?
Nothin',
Nothin' is right, Laugh at me again and watch what happens,
Excuse me, do you realise you're actually the maid of honour?
It is your duty to the bride to turn up for fittings on time
and to organise everyone on the day
and show up with a nice fella that matches your dress,
What's that mean?
Mary,
LEONA: I wouldn't worry about her turnin' up with a fella, Sally,
Chance'll be a fine thing,
Think I can get a fella quicker than you, Leona,
And how'd you work that one out'?
I've been with the same chap the past five years,
Who?
Seamus McCrory,
- Who? - He was the year behind us in school,
The little midget who used to do football in his underpants, him?
That was fuckin' years ago, Mary,
People don't forget, Leona,
Yeah, well, at least I have a fuckin' boyfriend,
I wouldn't touch him with yours,
You're not even getting a plus one,
Charlene has given it to Declan's cousin,
Jesus Christ! You think we could focus on me for a while now?
Come here, what was it like?
Would have been nice to hear from you,
Said you didn't want visitors,
You could have wrote, like,
You should have told me, like,,,
Where the fuck is he?
Just text him and tell him we're goin' drinkin',
- No, - Please?
- No! - (CHUCKLES)
Why not?
Cos the wedding is this day, three weeks,
and I've fuckin' a hundred and one things to be doin',
How come I didn't get a plus one?
Cos the plates are like 60 quid,
Everyone you know is gonna be there,
What?
Nothin',
Sap,
- You're a sap, - You're a sap,
- (CAR HORN HONKS) - (CHUCKLES)
There he is now, look,
Right, this is for you,
Now, are you sure you're OK doin' all this?
Cos I can get Leona to help if you want,
Right, OK, cool?
- Call you later, right? - Yeah,
(KISSES)
(CAR DRIVING AWAY)
So, basically, if you punch in something wrong
you just hit void and start again, OK?
It's a piece of piss, really,
Just ask Udel if you need anything, all right?
I'm on the same shift as you tomorrow, So I'll see you then, yeah?
OK,
- Thanks, - No bother,
- Where are you from yourself'? - Nigeria,
Do you have a girlfriend?
- I have a wife, - Oh,
MARY: I knew the first night I met Declan,
that he was the one for Charlene,
He was a kind-hearted bloke,
And a nice man,
Plus, he bought the two of us loads of drinks, so that was cool,
Char was always the confident one with fellas,
Whereas with me,
I never really bothered that much
cos I think most fellas from Drogheda are all dopes,
No offence, to any of ya's here tonight, though,
SCROTE: It's shit around here now,
Everything's changed,
You're still selling gear?
Nah,,,
I'm working as a postman,
Your da set that up?
Yeah, Nice one, da,
Do you wanna go on a date sometime?
What?
A date,
Why?
I don't know,
We never did that,
- So? - Maybe we should,
- For the laugh, - What are you on about?
(CHUCKLES)
I suppose,
Any interest in goin' to a weddin', no?
I'll see ya around, yeah?
Yeah,
Dates,
OKSANA: (ON COMPUTER) No matter how great life is,
it's always better when you have someone special to share it with,
Here at Cupid's Arrow,
we provide a unique personal introduction service
that is designed to help you meet someone special,
No more single ads,
No more Tinder dates,
So why not visit us today?
(INDISTINCT ARGUING)
(MOBILE BUZZES)
(MESSAGE DINGS)
(MACHINE BEEPING)
JESS: Yeah, MARY: Are you Jess?
Yeah,
I'm Charlene Duffy's maid of honour,
I'm here to pay a deposit for the weddin' video,
Uh, any chance you can come back in an hour?
No,
(DOOR BUZZES)
Hey, Um,,, Uh, come in,
I actually thought this job was cancelled when I never heard from her,
MAN: Here, em,
Where am I, again?
Bewley Mews
Uh, what's the,,, What's the date again?
28th of March,
Oh, shit,
- What? - I actually can't do it, I have a gig that night,
What?
I have a gig with my band,
Well, can you not cancel that?
No,
Why not?
Because I don't want to,
It's fine, I have a number here I can give you,
No, she wanted you,
I'm sure Charlene will get over it,
No, she really won't,
What do you want me to do?
Fine,
I will cancel my gig for you,
Thanks,
Bridezilla, huh?
Mind your own business,
What's, eh,,,
What's her name, again?
Jess,
JESS: OK, you owe me,
Oh, thank you,
- Seriously, thank you, - You're welcome,
Eh, Jess, I'm gonna head on, Do you want my digits?
- Uh,,, - He forgot your name a minute ago,
No, I didn't,
Yeah, you did, You just asked me what her name was,
(LAUGHS)
Uh, it's fine,
- I didn't want his number anyway, - Bye,
Well played,
I have me moments,
(DOOR CLOSES)
- The deposit, - Oh, thank you,
So I guess I'll see you on the 28th, then,
Yeah, (CHUCKLES)
- You're a good egg, - You, too,
AUTOMATED WOMAN'S VOICE: Door opening,
"You're a good egg"?
Fuckin' asshole,
(LIFT DINGS)
AUTOMATED WOMAN'S VOICE: Door closing,
(RAIN PATTERING)
Order for McArdle,
MAN: Um, just a minute,
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Thanks,
There's Mary,
- Hey, - Hey,
- Hey, Mary, - Hi,
Do you wanna join us? It's Leona's birthday,
- MARY: No, - All right
Happy birthday,
So I just came to say that I met a fella,
So I might need that plus one after all,
Oh!
What do you mean "Oh"? I'm not a fuckin' leper, Charlene,
I know, Stop cursin' at me,
- Sorry, - (CLEARS THROAT)
So, who is he?
- You don't know him, - Yeah, well, what's his name?
John,
"John" what?
Carter,
From Mars? (LAUGHS)
What?
DECLAN: The film,
So, can he come or not?
Yeah, Course,
Thank you,
You're welcome,
See you's,
- See you, Mary, - See you, Mary,
John Carter? Seriously?
She's fine,
(MOBILE BUZZING)
(SIGHS)
Hey, it's me,
- Hiya, - So, listen,
I was thinking it could be good for us to meet John Carter before the weddin',
Who?
Your boyfriend,
Oh, yeah,
So why don't the two of you's come over for a beer or somethin' on Saturday?
You can see the new house as well,
- He's workin', - Oh?
What's he do?
Works in a bar,
Where?
- McPhails? - Mary, the barmen in there are really hot,
Which one is he?
The tall one with short hair,
The one with all the tatts?
No, No tatts,
Look, you probably don't know him,
He keeps to himself,
Anyway, he's workin' Saturday,
Shit,
I could still come over,
Ah no, You're all right,
Come here, em,,, He's not weird or anything, is he?
- What? - You know what I mean,
No, he's not weird,
Cool,
It'd be good to meet him anyway,
Maybe next week?
Yeah, I'll say it to him,
Thanks, babes,
MARY: The things you need to know about Charlene,
(SIGHS TO HERSELF)
(CLOCK TICKING)
What kind of man you want?
One that's free to go to a weddin' on the 28th of March,
- That's it? - Yeah,
But what kind of men do you like? I mean, Polish, Irish, what?
- Any, - Look, in the agency
we have older men for older women, yeah?
But I'll find you a nice boy, OK? Stand up,
Photo,
(OKSANA HUMMING)
Now, ready? Smile,
Mmm? A bit more,
A bit more,
- (CAMERA CLICKS) - Ta-da!
SUZANNE: I'm giving you the famous J-Lo glow,
It's excitin', isn't it?
No,
Any advice?
You're askin' her for advice?
Yes, Mam, She's asking me for advice,
I'm a woman, I've been taken out by men,
A fuckin' sniper wouldn't take you out,
I don't remember gettin' any pearls of wisdom off you,
You're done,
- How do I look? - Like a whore,
I believe you're lookin' to find someone to go to a wedding?
MARY: Me and Char have known our fair share of hard times,
When Char's gran died, I was there for her,
When stuff was goin' on for me,
she was always there for me, too,
As they say, “Hard times will always reveal true friendship,“
And ours is very true,
- Ours is the most true, - (PHONE LINE RINGING)
Ours is,,,
(LINE CONTINUES RINGING)
VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Charlene,
Leave a message,
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
MARY: Hey, it's me,
So I was readin' this really interesting thing in the paper earlier,
It said that the best night ever to go out with Mary is a Tuesday night?
So,,,
Call me back,
JIM: So, do you do anything like that yourself?
- What? - Like sport or drama?
No,
Any interests at all?
No,
(INAUDIBLE CHATTER)
This is the first one of these where I've actually had a good feelin',
You just seem to be really sound
and funny,
And you're proper hot,
(CHUCKLES)
The fact that you need someone to bring to your friend's weddin'
and I need someone to bring to my brother's weddin',,,
,,,it could be perfect,
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
Oh, fuck me,
You're my boyfriend, your name is John,
I've got this,
Hello!
Hi, what are you doin' here?
Oh, I was passing on me way from work,
And who do we have here?
Charlene, this is John Carter, the chap I was tellin' you about,
John, this is Charlene,
I believe I'm comin' to your weddin',
Wow, He's cute,
(CHUCKLING) Thanks,
Well, it was good to see ya, Char,
He's fuckin' gorgeous, Mary,
Yep,
(CHUCKLING)
Can I ask you somethin'?
This is gonna seem really weird cos I just met you but,,,
would you like to be a groomsman?
It's just Declan, me fella, he doesn't really have any good-lookin' friends,
and it'd be deadly to have at least one good-lookin' chap in the photographs,
Er,,, Sure,
You did well, hun,
I sure did,
By the way, the hen's is on Friday, The theme is Mamma Mia!
What's that mean?
Ya come dressed as a character from the film,
What, like Meryl Streep?
No, Leona got Meryl Streep,
We put all the names in a hat And you got Stellan Skarsgård,
OK? See ya Friday,
Looks like you're coming to a weddin',
Bring it on, chicken,
You're gonna have to dial down the camp,
Er, I'm not camp,
Eh, yeah, ya are,
What?
I'm sorry, I'll,,, I'll go to your brother's weddin',
Aw, fuck off!
(EXHALING)
MARY: The things you need to know about Charlene,
Me and her share the best memories together,
(SIGHS)
Like the weekends,
When the two of us would go clubbin',
This is when we'd really get to let our hair down,
Nights that felt like they went on forever and ever,
Like me and her were the only two people left in the world,
- Hey, - I might head on,
OK, then,
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, you text me John Carter's number in the morning?
- Who? - Your boyfriend,
Oh,
- What? - Nothin', I was just,,,
,,,thinkin' of breakin' up with him,
(SIGHS)
Jesus, Mary, do you not recognise a good thing when it lands in your lap?
Ya don't even know him, He could be a fuckin' dick,
Yeah, well, he's not,
Oh, would you check your email cos I sent ya your speech,
I thought I was supposed to write it,
Well, I did it for ya,
Right?
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Nice outfit,
- Weddin' video, - Wedding video,
How's it goin'?
Good, So what are you up to?
Nothin',
Are you here with mates?
Yeah,
Sorry, I just have to,,,
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
GIRL: Hello?
(POUNDING)
(SOFTLY) Fuck off,
There's a queue out here!
- Are you the one doin' all the bangin'? - There's people waiting,,,
- So what'? - So, like, will you hurry fuckin' up?
Say that again,
Move!
You're after breaking a glass in me fuckin' hand!
Ya See that? Fuckin' lawsuit,
(MARY MUMBLING)
You all right?
Did ya enjoy the show?
What show?
You do realise you're bleeding?
(NURSE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
You didn't have to come with me,
I know,
Good night?
Hardly,
You?
It was OK,
Actually it was kinda shit,
I spent most of the night hiding from this psycho I went on a date with a while back,
- Hate that, - Yeah,
I've been on a few dates meself lately,
Oh, yeah?
- Lotta psychos, - Yeah?
Big time,
I went on one there the other night with this fella that used to be a priest,
Never been with a woman before in his life, He was like 34,
And what happened?
I left after the starter,
You didn't really give him much of a chance,
He was a priest,
Well, you've obviously got high standards,
That's what me ma says,
But I think that's just cos she has no standards,
When it comes to men,
Your dad not around?
Nah, He left when I was a kid,
My dad died last year,
Sorry,
My mam just started dating again, She's got like three guys on the go,
You should give her a call, She might give you some tips,
Yeah, maybe I will,
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Mary McArdle?
- Thanks for,,, - No worries,
I can wait if you like,
Oh, no, you're all right,
See ya around, Yeah?
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- All right? - Yeah,
What happened to your hand?
Nothin',
It's grand,
Did you see there's speed datin' in the Westcourt on Friday night?
The two of us could go together,
Dream on,
Your man Ollie that, drives the taxi for Caffreys, dropped me home,
Asked me out on a date,
He's my age,
I know!
So what? I like him,
You would,
You want advice, Mary?
Get off your high horse or you'll end up a very lonely girl,
And that one's for free,
(MESSAGE DINGS)
MARY: Fuck off!
What can I get ya?
All right?
(BELL RINGS)
Jess!
- Hey, - Hey!
I saw you from the bus so I, like, I ran from, like, all the way back there,,,
- No way! (LAUGHING) - Yeah, past the lights,
Right, I'll let you go,
Oh, which way are you walkin'?
Erm,,,
Well, that way, I suppose,
(CHUCKLES) Do you wanna walk with me?
Sure,
JESS: So how's the datin' goin'?
- Shit, - Oh, why bother?
- Because, - Cos why?
I need to find a plus one for that weddin',
So, you're going on all these dates
with strangers to find someone to bring to a wedding?
Yeah,
Not cos you want to meet someone?
No,
At least you're gettin' laid,
What?
Well, I'm not sleepin' with any of them,
Oh, OK That's cool,
Like, I mean, I don't just jump into bed at the drop of a hat,
(LAUGHING)
Good to know,
Do you wanna do somethin'?
Oh, no, it's cool if you're busy,
No, It's just I've got band practise,
Oh,
All right,
I would, um,
only we've got a gig at the weekend, so,,,
- Well, that's cool, - I kinda have to be there,
OK,
All right, well, I'm off up this way,
OK,
- It was good to see ya, - Yeah, you, too,
Hey!
What are you doin' tomorrow?
Nothin', Why?
Does it matter that I don't know any of these people?
- No, Neither do I, - Yeah, well, you're workin',
So what? You're my assistant,
Anyway, just focus on the blokes,
We're finding you a man tonight,
Or at the very least getting you laid by a culchie,
Hi, I'm Jess, nice to meet you,
JESS: OK, can I get everybody looking in here?
That's great,
So, what I think I'm gonna do is
just step the girls out for, like, two seconds
and get some photos of the guys,
Yeah?
JESS: Yeah, just move down a couple of steps,
That's perfect,
- Smile, - (CAMERA CLICKING)
Awesome,
So, uh, have all of you got girlfriends?
Hands up if you're single,
You? Cool,
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(INAUDIBLE)
(GUESTS CLAPPING)
(ALL TOASTING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
JESS: Charlene's wedding speech, take one, action!
All day I've been looking at ya,
and thinkin' how long we've known each other
and how much you mean to me,
It seems like only yesterday we were walkin' to school and makin' each other laugh,
Two things,,,
We never went to school,
Like ever, We were either suspended or we mitched,
And secondly the young one never laughs,
Like, I mean, ever,
It gets better,
You're the smartest person I know,
- Ugh, - You're gorgeous looking,,,
The face of an actual cunt,
You are the most generous person in the world,
She actually wrote this about herself?
Yeah, the girl is bat-shit crazy, - (PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
It's Charlene, she says your accent needs work,
Mmm,
No, no, it wasn't us,
Ask them for more drink,
Wait, sorry, Uh, could we get some drink?
- (DIAL TONE) - (CHUCKLING)
He hung up,
Fuck it!
You're a shit matchmaker,
It's your fault for bein' so picky,
Why weren't we iookin' for a fella for you?
I don't want one,
Why, have you been with loads?
What the fuck are you trying to say?
Sorry,
I'm only messin',
So have ya?
Oh, my God, you really want to know?
You mean sex?
Oh, I dunno, I don't have a number or anything,
- Why, do you? - No,
You do! Tell me,
- No, - Tell me,
No,
I don't think I'm very good at it,
Sex?
No, Like meetin' people, Datin', All that,
Me neither,
Fuck off,
No, I'm serious,
Yeah?
I've always been a bit of a loner,
That's cool,
Is it'? I don't know,
Yeah, like, whatever makes ya happy and that,
I wouldn't say it makes me happy,
It's just the way it is,
Sure, most people think I'm off me rocker,
- Do they? - Big time,
Why?
Just cos,
Cos why?
I dunno,
I used to do a lot of stupid shit,
Like what?
Fightin',
What, like proper fightin'?
I hurt a girl in a nightclub a while ago, I got in a lot of trouble for it,
Was in The Joy for six months,
You were in jail?
Fuck off!
Whoa,
Are ya freaked out that I told ya that?
No,
What are ya thinkin'?
Just doesn't seem like you or somethin',
You don't know me,
(INAUDIBLE)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(GROANING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God,
(EXHALING)
You OK?
Yeah, I dunno why,,,
(SNIFFLING)
I really like you,
(LAUGHING)
(MOANING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
WOMAN: Bye, MAN: Goodbye,
MAN: See you, Jess, Take care, JESS: See you later,
You freakin' out?
No,
Are You?
Look, it doesn't have to mean anything,
Unless,,,
OK, I'm gonna go now because I'm dyin' of embarrassment,
I'm playin' in McPhails tomorrow night,
just if you're knockin' about,,, If you want to,,,
OK,
Thanks,
♪ What's the story, Drogheda?
♪ I feel like I don't belong Like I'm lost in the Viet Cong
♪ My head is gone Tell me what the fuck is wrong
♪ It's bleak when the highlight of your week is mitching school on a Monday
♪ To stuff your face in Subway Foot-long, yeah, baby
♪ It's boring, but better than smoking a bong with some radgy-looking mong
♪ Oh, by the way, my name is Julie Yours truly
♪ I'm a bad bitch, not really ♪
VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Charlene, leave a message,
Hey, what does it mean when you've been with a fella and he says
it doesn't have to mean anything?
And then he says, "Do you want to meet up?"
What does that mean? Does that mean
he's into it or not?
Call me back,
(JESS SINGING) ♪ Oh, God
♪ Get me out of this town
♪ Oh, God
♪ Get me out of this town
♪ I can't wait
♪ Till the factory shuts down
♪ I can't wait
♪ Till the dock lands drown
♪ Oh, God
♪ Get me out of this place
♪ Oh, God
♪ Get me out of this place
♪ I don't care if I never see another familiar face ♪
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS)
(RITA SINGING) ♪ You waze me up
♪ so I can stand on mountains,
♪ You waze me up
♪ to walk on stormy,,, ♪
You can stop there, Rita,
Rita, love, it's "raise me up", Raise,
Waze,
- (SOFTLY) Jesus Christ, - (WHISPERS) She's your cousin, Charlene,
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
Come on!
Who's she?
The young one doin' the weddin' video,
She looks like a weirdo,
I know, Total freak,
Why does she keep staring over here?
Maybe she's checking you out,
(SCOFFS)
Oh, my God! She is totally checking me out,
CHARLENE: Jesus Christ! Can nothin' go right?
Charlene!
All right Rita, Let's try this again and it's "raise",
Waze,
I need to talk to you,
Oh, Well, I need to talk to you, too,
Right, You go first,
OK, Erm,,,
- You go first - OK,
This might be hard to hear, so I'll just say it,
Me and Leona were in Fusion on Saturday night
and we saw John Carter getting off with a man,
You went clubbin' with Leona?
Yeah,
I have been asking you to go out with me for weeks,
Mary! I think you're missin' the point here,
Yeah, we broke up,
And when were you gonna tell me?
Well, when do I see you, Charlene?
All right look, Don't panic, I'm not gonna say it to anyone,
We'll just find you someone else to bring as a plus one,
Maybe one of Declan's friends, Some of them are really weird,
OK?
Mary?
What was that about?
I dunno, she just stormed off,
Hi,
Do you wanna go on a date sometime?
(CHUCKLING)
Um,,, OK,
- Cool, - Cool,
What the fuck is she doing?
(CHUCKLING) OK,
I just wanted to do that, so,,,
Erm, I better go, I'll call ya later,
Bye,
When did this happen?
Couple of nights ago,
Was helping her out at a weddin',
CHARLENE: And what?
We were drinkin',
one thing led to another,
So you're into girls now?
Maybe,
You're makin' a show of yourself, Mary,
Well, what's new, Charlene?
Try on that dress, will ya?
MARY: So I was thinkin',
Since you're gonna be at the weddin',
and I'm gonna be at the weddin', why don't we both go together?
I thought you wanted to bring a hot bloke,
Not any more,
OK,
Cool, (LAUGHING)
What?
Nothin', just,,,
Suddenly you seem very cool about all this,
It's a big change from when we were on the bus a while back
and you avoided looking at me for the whole three-hour drive, actually,
I didn't refuse to look at ya,
I seem to remember you looking out the window a lot,
OK, maybe I did a bit,
Then you kissed me in front of all your mates,
Fuck it,
Did they say anything about it?
Actually, Charlene had a lot to say about it,
Apparently I'm making a show of meself,
(SCOFFS)
Fuck her,
She's probably just worried about you,
Charlene does not give a fuck about me,
she's just worried that I'll ruin her precious weddin',
Is that why you're asking me to go?
What?
To piss her off?
No,
I don't care what Charlene thinks,
Mary, you're obsessed with what she thinks,
- No, I'm not, - Yeah, you are,
I don't want to be used,
What the fuck does that mean?
Whoa, don't curse at me,
I just don't want you usin' me to get even with Charlene,
I'm not,
OK,
Will I get us some drinks?
(SIGHS)
(MOBILE RINGING)
(LINE RINGING)
(RINGING CONTINUES)
VOICEMAIL: Hello, this is Mary,,,
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
(EXHALING)
(MOBILE BUZZING)
RECORDING: You have new voicemail, To listen to your messages, press 1,
JESS: Hey, Um,
I don't really know what happened last night and
to be honest I'm not sure I care any more,
I guess I don't really know what's going on with you
and you don't seem to want to tell me,
And running away like that is
fucking ridiculous,
That's what children do
and I'm not a child,
Look, I think we should just call it quits on this,
I hope everything goes well for you, Mary,
and that you figure it all out,
And there's no need to call me back, I'd honestly prefer it if you didn't,
OK, Bye,
- CHARLENE: Hey, - All right?
What are you doing here?
Came to see you,
So, what's the story with your girlfriend?
What?
She cancelled on me this morning,
I don't know,
And she's not my girlfriend,
So what, you're not a lesbian now?
Are you all right?
Here,
What's this?
The speech, I wrote it,
I did the speech for you,
Well, it's supposed to come from me,
(EXHALING)
Mary, like, I,,,
Fine, It doesn't matter,
Gimme it,
"The things you need to know about Charlene,
"Her first crush was on Mr, Duffy, our geography teacher in fifth class,
"Her first kiss was on the bus on the way home from a Boyzone concert,
"Her eyes are a mixture of green and brown
"and not hazel as most people think,
"She loves brown sauce and eats it on everything,
"She can never remember how a joke ends,
"When she's sick she always watches the film
"Ella Enchanted and eats packets of Monster Munch,
"When she walks into a room, people always notice her and want to be around her,
"This is because of her warmth and her good sense of humour,
"She loves Declan more than anything else in the world,
"even brown sauce,
"And she is the best friend that anyone could ever ask for,"
It's lovely,
You're me best mate and I wanted it to come from me,
Thanks,
Do you wanna go for a pint?
I'm gettin' married tomorrow,
Yeah, but is that not tradition, that the maid of honour take
the bride out the night before the big day?
- No, - For one?
No!
All right,
I'll see ya at the church, then,
Yeah,
Why do you never want to see me any more?
What are you on about?
Why do you never want to see me?
Mary, how many times do we have to talk about this?
- Fine! Fuck sake, - Stop cursin' at me, Mary!
Then stop actin' like a stuck-up bitch, Charlene!
I don't have time for this,
Oh, of course ya don't,
cos when do you have time for anyone other than yourself?
- Excuse me? - You've fuckin' changed,
Oi!
Do you have any idea the shit you've put us through?
Me, Your ma, All of us,
After what you did,
Ya haven't a clue, have ya?
And then you show up on me doorstep
the day before me weddin' and call me a shit friend
cos I won't go drinkin' with ya,
I mean, are you for fuckin' real?
And you know what, Mary? You're right, I have changed,
Everyone has, except you,
You're still a mess,
Who the fuck wants to be around that?
Hey, it's me,
- CLERK: How many do you want? - Six,
We're goin' out,
So, where's your boyfriend at?
Are you all selective cos you got a pony tail?
What's your name, delicate?
- I dunno, - Yvonne!
- Yvonne? - Oh, that's a French ass name, Yvonne,
My little French croissant,
You are mad, (LAUGHING)
All right,
I'm only joking, I'm sorry, like,
Let's do somethin? Come on!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Where we goin'?
Out,
(INAUDIBLE)
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - (WHISTLING)
Fuck,
BOUNCER: Don't! Don't!
- Ya fuckin' animal! - Call the guards,
(EXHALING AND SNIFFLING)
You're fucking buck mad you are,
D'you hear me?
(POLICE SIRENS WAILING)
Come on!
OFFICER: Assault, anti-social behaviour, assault again,
If she ends up in front of a prick of a judge,,,
SUZANNE: It's not good, OFFICER: No, it's not good,
You can take her home now,
Thanks, Guard,
Come on,
Is it my fault?
Is what your fault?
I dunno, That you're having problems again,
How is it your fault?
Did ya get someone to go with ya tomorrow?
Sure, so what? You go down there and hold your head up,
You're as good as any of them girls,
(SOBBING)
(SNIFFLES)
(SHUSHING)
Shh, It's OK,
(CONTINUES SHUSHING)
(DOGS BARKING OUTSIDE)
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
OK, Fix me,
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
- I'm surprised you'd the nerve to show up, - Leona,
Leave her alone,
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(CHARLENE SNIFFLES)
Thanks,
(SIGHS)
You look,,,
(CHUCKLES)
- Are we ready? - Yep, we're ready,
(CHUCKLES)
PRIEST: In the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,
amen,
CHARLENE: Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, amen,
You may kiss the bride,
(GUESTS APPLAUDING)
- Ah, yes, Thank you, - Thank you,
- It's just over the far right, - Thank you,
- Hi, - MARY: Hiya,
- Hey, - Hi,
I'm so proud of ya,
Thanks,
I think it's better if you didn't read out that speech you wrote,
I think it's lovely and it's really funny,
I just,,, Mary, it's just not appropriate,
- What do you want me to say? - It's OK,
Leona has got it covered, You can just sit back and enjoy your night,
You've done loads already,
OK,
"All day I've been looking at you, at me friend,
"and thinking about how long we've known each other, and how much you mean to me,
"It feels like only yesterday we were walking to school and making each other laugh,
- "And now, look where we are," - GUESTS: Aww,
"You're the smartest person I know, you're gorgeous looking,
"And you're the most generous person in the whole world,"
(GUESTS CHEERING)
You are, Char,
OK, folks, So, we're gonna pass it over to the father of the bride now,
so round of applause for him,
- (GUESTS APPLAUDING) - (MAN WHOOPING)
- (WOMEN LAUGHING) - (MUSIC PLAYING VIA SPEAKERS)
(LINE RINGING)
VOICEMAIL: Hey, this is Jess, Leave a message,
(BEEPS)
Hiya, Jess, It's Mary,
I know you don't want me to call, but,,,
I'm locked, So,,,
Actually, I'm not locked,
I haven't had a drink all day so I dunno why I said that,
I just wanted to say sorry for everything that happened,
(CLICKS TONGUE)
I don't know what's wrong with me,
I keep hurting people and I don't know why,
I think you were right about me and Charlene,
You're probably right about a lot of things,
I miss you,
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL WHOOPING)
(DJ ANNOUNCING INDISTINCTLY)
(MUSIC CHANGES)
(GUESTS WHOOPING)
MARY: Me and her were the best,
The most beautiful,
Me and her,
Hey!
Are you going?
Yeah,
All right, well,,, Thanks for everything,
You're welcome,
- I'm fuckin' married, Mary! - (BOTH CHUCKLING)
I know,
When I get back from me honeymoon, me and you are goin' out on the town,
Just the two of us,
I'll see ya, Char,
See ya, babe,
Where would you be going, if you were going out?
Music? Are you into your music?
Would you be getting up and dancing and all? Yeah?
What else do you get up to then? Over the weekend in your spare time?
DRIVER: I go surfin', SUZANNE: You're a surfer!
No way, That's mad,
(MOBILE BUZZING)
Hey,